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0:25

what was last time you had milk?

0:27

Dude, the last time I had just

0:29

a full glass of milk was probably

0:31

about a year and a half ago.

0:33

I just had a full, I had

0:35

to go get milk for my kids.

0:37

And I just put it in the

0:39

fridge there and I was just looking

0:41

at it and I was like, I'm

0:43

gonna drink some milk. And then I

0:45

drank just a full, like a full

0:47

glass like that of milk, woke up

0:50

about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. I

0:52

mean ripping it off the backboard of

0:54

the toilet like like a like a

0:56

diarrhea like a cartoon you know like

0:58

and I'm not lactose intolerant but I

1:01

think my body was just like you

1:03

can't just give me all this milk

1:05

at once it's not 19503 no one

1:07

drinks milk like that anymore but I

1:09

did hear though that the re ready

1:12

for this they said two reasons why

1:14

colon cancer is going up in youth

1:16

one Increase alcohol consumption. Sorry Bert.

1:18

I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh,

1:20

yeah Let me write that down and

1:22

I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke Please

1:24

thank you colonoscopy is great and did

1:27

and did you what did you wake

1:29

up and you weren't hard? No

1:31

me either dude fucking our dads were

1:33

wrong. You got a colonoscopy? Yeah, I've

1:35

gotten two Why? You have a call cancer in

1:37

your family? No, well, the peers, what happened

1:39

is, well, I'm 40, so they say start

1:41

getting out 40, so I got cleaned. I

1:43

was 51. 51, but I got cleaned out.

1:45

This last one I did, I didn't even

1:48

do the propafold. I just said, just shoot

1:50

her up there. But when I was, just

1:52

give me a belt. Yeah, yeah. We went

1:54

old school, I have wilderness. So, but when

1:56

I was 35, they gave me one because

1:58

what happened was I was having an anxiety

2:00

attack and I took a shit that I

2:02

felt look questionable. I felt that I took

2:04

a questionable shit and so I took a

2:07

peek because my mom since I've been a

2:09

little kid she told me two things and

2:11

two things only like on a daily basis.

2:13

Don't do drugs? big and then always before

2:15

you flush your poop you look at it

2:17

and you make sure that your poop looks

2:19

good. Yes. So I've been looking at my

2:21

poop since I'm about six years old. That's

2:23

why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. They

2:26

take it away from you too fast. A

2:28

hundred percent. A runaway team. Yeah I have

2:30

to try to put my hand down there

2:32

and yeah. So I took a questionable shit

2:34

is what I'm a QS is what we

2:36

call it. And so and so and so

2:38

and so and so I have a friend

2:40

I have a friend I have a friend

2:42

who's a friend who's a dermatologist who's a

2:45

dermatologist who's a dermatologist. Can I send you

2:47

a pick? Yes. So I said, can I

2:49

send you a pick? Exactly what I said.

2:51

And he said, sure, expecting to see some

2:53

type of eczema or psoriasis. But I sent

2:55

him just a nice cold shit. And so

2:57

he said, this is not my expertise. Are

2:59

you sending this to me as a friend

3:01

or is it a professional opinion? Well, the

3:04

thing is, I'm calling him a friend but

3:06

I didn't even know him that well. I

3:08

just, I had his number because I booked

3:10

him on Zock Dock a couple of weeks

3:12

before. So, and he said, okay, he said,

3:14

it's not my expertise, he said, but I

3:16

would agree with you that it does look

3:18

questionable because I said, is this a questionable

3:20

shit? Yeah. Right away. And he said, it

3:23

does look questionable. So I made an appointment

3:25

with a gastroentorologist and I said, you know,

3:27

showed him the pick and he said, look,

3:29

I don't know if that's a filter. It

3:31

could be, it could be just the lighting.

3:33

I really don't know. He goes, but wait.

3:35

Yes, do you have you had a swipe

3:37

to put a filter on it? Yeah, that's

3:39

what I swear to go. You were posting

3:42

on Instagram? Yeah, like it was a snap,

3:44

it was Sepa, back of my Snapchat days.

3:46

Is this low pro, too? Is this Paris?

3:48

So, so. So he says, well, let's take

3:50

a look. Let's take a look. And I

3:52

said, great. So we do it. And then

3:54

I wake up and he's like, you know

3:56

what? I'm happy that we took a look.

3:58

You would have been fine, but you did

4:01

have two polyps. And those polyps could have

4:03

grown and would have grown. And maybe there

4:05

would have been cancer, maybe not, you don't

4:07

know. But we clipped them, so now you

4:09

should be good for five years. So we

4:11

said come back in five years. So five

4:13

years, I got seven. He told me, you

4:15

got seven years? I had three polyps. You

4:17

had three pops and he told you seven

4:20

years? Why did I get five for two

4:22

then? I don't know man. What the fuck?

4:24

Where did you get yours done? I got

4:26

mine done in New York. Maybe my clinic

4:28

was running a deal. Maybe we're doing a

4:30

pro, did you put in the promo code?

4:32

I had a promo code. Yeah, the promo

4:34

code busing. Yeah. No, wait, no, mine was,

4:36

mine was five, he said, I found three

4:39

polyps. He told me when he woke me

4:41

up. Yeah. He was like, I found three

4:43

polyps, they're not, I wouldn't worry about them.

4:45

We're gonna do a biopsy, I'll let you

4:47

know. Right. And then he dimmed me. And

4:49

he said, hey man, they're all clean. You

4:51

don't have to be back for another seven

4:53

years. And then I dimmed back, what should

4:55

I dimmed back, what should I wear. What

4:58

should I wear. What should I wear. What

5:00

should I wear. What should I wear. What

5:02

should I wear. What should I wear. What

5:04

should I wear. I can't tell you that

5:06

because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor.

5:08

Right. And I wrote back. Yeah, but I've

5:10

only let one man inside of me. Yes.

5:12

I would like a commitment. Yes. He never

5:14

replied. And he never replied. And he just

5:17

left it on rent. See, why doesn't anybody

5:19

have any fun anymore? Dude. I was just

5:21

talking, the guys like, well, hold on, let's

5:23

go back to milk. Yes. So that your

5:25

mom said it did two things. Don't drink.

5:27

She said don't know she said don't do

5:29

drugs she said always make sure you look

5:31

in the toilet bowl before you flushed on

5:33

your pooper. How does this have to do

5:36

with fucking milk? Because what I because what

5:38

happened was we started I told you I

5:40

drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after

5:42

just one glass of milk even though I'm

5:44

not not lactant tolerant. Yeah. Because typically I

5:46

honestly think the last time I had milk

5:48

before that glass is I sucking and straight

5:50

out of the titty. No I do. I

5:52

have. My dad had a problem with milk.

5:55

Like a pro, he would drink a gallon

5:57

a day. Right. My dad drank so much

5:59

fucking milk. I drank. I. I love getting

6:01

vitamin D, the red milk, you know the

6:03

vitamin D one? Yeah, whole

6:05

milk. By the way, I

6:07

remembered why I brought up

6:09

colonoscopies because of the milk,

6:11

I'm sorry. Keep going. Alcohol

6:13

consumption, what scientists think is

6:15

alcohol consumption on the rise

6:17

is causing colon cancer and

6:19

milk consumption on the low.

6:21

People are drinking less milk

6:23

because they think calcium fights against

6:25

colon cancer. Is it where the

6:28

doctors they fucking they fucks with

6:30

colon cancer? I always thought so we

6:32

so we do they can they tell what

6:34

causes cancer they they they well listen

6:37

most likely the reason colon cancer

6:39

is on the rise because of the additives

6:41

in the food you know that yuka

6:43

app do this app dude go get the yuka

6:45

app you start scanning shit do you have

6:47

like food here you have like package food

6:49

yeah bring me a package of fucking food

6:52

is someone listening downstairs yeah I need A

6:54

yuck app and I need a bunch of

6:56

the food that I eat all the time.

6:59

Yes, I have the yuke app. Just bring

7:01

me up some packets, food, we're gonna start

7:03

to be horrified at what's in the food.

7:05

Those protein chips I eat all the time.

7:08

Yes, yes, bring those in. Nothing that's a

7:10

sponsor. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I'm liquid death in

7:12

the fucking case. Yes, liquid death should be

7:14

good and anything I've scanned on. Hello fresh,

7:17

fresh. It's amazing. I'll tell you what I

7:19

said we should bring on sponsors and

7:21

just ruin all my god. Well dude

7:23

I just did a podcast before and

7:25

if they're sponsored at the South but

7:27

they had all they was all sponsored

7:29

by Celsius I scan that Celsius and

7:31

you got told me hell fucking know

7:33

for real they said Celsius is like

7:35

a 20 out of 100 sweet what's

7:37

Yuka the app why UK Yuka is

7:39

is an app that my girl got

7:41

you like my family my wife she's

7:43

like you we got to start scanning

7:45

our fucking food okay food okay hold

7:47

on Okay. Keep going. Yep. So, so,

7:49

so we got the Yuka

7:51

app and she starts scanning

7:54

shit and like, for example,

7:56

you scan Entomens Donuts, which

7:59

I know. donuts are not

8:01

healthy. Everybody knows that. But when you

8:03

scan Entomens donuts, a possible score, like

8:05

spinach gets 100 out of 100. Entomens

8:07

gets a zero out of 100 with

8:09

added 10 additives in there that all

8:11

cause cancer. The red or the additive,

8:14

the red or the additive, the more

8:16

it causes cancer. You know, I didn't

8:18

need this app to tell you that

8:20

spinach is going to be healthier than

8:22

adamant. Yes. and I went to go

8:24

get a protein bar with my egg

8:26

sandwich and I scanned one protein bar,

8:29

one flavor, the same protein bar. I

8:31

scanned one flavor, it got a 30

8:33

out of 100, and the other flavor

8:35

got an 80 out of 100. Let's

8:37

bring it in. Oh, shit, yeah. Here

8:39

we go. Oh, just start with, start

8:41

with, start with, start with cheese. Start

8:44

with cheese with, I'm gonna scan this,

8:46

she's good, I scanned her, she's 100

8:48

out of 100. Easy cheese cheese. Here

8:50

we go. Here we go, cheese whiz

8:52

whiz, cheese whiz, oh my god, a

8:54

two out of two out of two

8:56

out of two out of two out

8:59

of two out of two out of

9:01

two out of one. Holy shit, easy

9:03

cheese, pastries, 200, 100, additives, five additives,

9:05

too high risk. Oh my god, look

9:07

at these fucking, sodium phosphate, this additive

9:09

contains phosphorus, a minimal whose current intake

9:11

exceeds recommendations, have a harmful effect on

9:14

the kidneys, an increased risk of cardiovascular

9:16

disease, calcium phosphates, could be present in

9:18

nanoparticles, increased cardiovascular kidneys, I mean, so

9:20

this one's fucking out. The other day,

9:22

let me tell you the meal I

9:24

have with this, I had an Oscar

9:26

Meyer. Wiener with a Twinky as a

9:28

bun. Right. Cut in half with this

9:31

on top. Amazing. It was so good.

9:33

I guarantee you, I haven't been home,

9:35

but I guarantee you that was my

9:37

three year old's exact lunch. But dude,

9:39

so what I like about the UKIP

9:41

is they give recommendations. So this cheese

9:43

whiz can go fuck itself, but then

9:46

we got what's better? You ready for

9:48

this? Yeah. How about this? You want

9:50

a cheese? I'll tell you what cheese.

9:52

Get the organic pasta for cheese from

9:54

organics. 82. And that's got no additives.

9:56

All right, let's get, which one do

9:58

you think is possibly going to be

10:01

good? Which one out of these do

10:03

you think is healthy? Quest. Quest. Quest.

10:05

Here we go, let's fucking see. 16

10:07

out of 100! So bad! Dude, let

10:09

me tell you something. They're not a

10:11

sponsor, right? I think I just buy

10:13

them because they're keto. Dude, the additives

10:16

are fucking crazy. The sodium's through. Now

10:18

I'm saying all this, but also I

10:20

will tell you, full disclosure, I ate

10:22

a to toasted blueberry muffin with butter

10:24

on the way here. And there was

10:26

no barcode, so I couldn't scan it,

10:28

so I just threw that barcode so

10:31

I just threw that puppy back. But

10:33

this has calcium, carbonate, this has all

10:35

these things linked to cancer, linked to

10:37

heart disease, linked to heart disease. are

10:39

the harvest Friedo lay chips. Those are

10:41

51 out of 100. Because they have

10:43

no, because they're all about the ad,

10:45

like they. So what they're doing is

10:48

in order to get you low additives.

10:50

And that's what causes, because the calories

10:52

and the, you can burn all that

10:54

shit off. All right, cause, hang on

10:56

there. Nurds will be good. Nurds will

10:58

be healthy. Let's see what nerds are.

11:00

I guarantee you, if Nurd even gets

11:03

one point, I'd be shocked. Nurds

11:05

is four out of a hundred. I

11:08

mean get these the fuck out of

11:10

here. Hang on, zero carb, mission tortillas.

11:12

I fuck with these. Twenty four out

11:14

of a hundred folks. Not bad, considering

11:16

my diet's been in the 18s. Not

11:18

bad since it's, but it's got ten

11:20

additives. These six of them are high

11:22

risks that are directly linked to cancer.

11:24

Manase, go manase. Manase. Manase. Manase. Fucking,

11:26

come on, Manase, come on, Manase, you're

11:29

on everything. Come on, come on, let's

11:31

go, Manase, you're on everything. This is

11:33

a 15 out of 100. Jesus, Christ!

11:35

This is a 15 out of 100,

11:37

dude. Do I eat anything above 50?

11:39

No, let's see light, let's go. Come

11:41

on, let's go, let's go. Let's see

11:43

if, let's go, let's go, let's go,

11:45

let's go, let's go, let's go, let's

11:48

go, let's go, let's go, let's go,

11:50

let's go, let's go, let's go, let's

11:52

go, let's go, let's go, let's go,

11:54

let's go, let's go, let's go, let's

11:56

go, let's go, let's go, let's go,

11:58

let's go, let's go, let's go, let's

12:00

go, let's go, let's go, let's go,

12:02

let's go, let's in Ireland coming up,

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with via I'm so glad you got

16:13

it. Tito coconut mix? 17 out of

16:15

100 folks. See you fucking later. Yeah,

16:17

the fuck out. Yeah, let's do raisins.

16:19

Everyone's favorite American treat. Let's see fucking

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raisins. If they didn't have a barcode.

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This doesn't even have a fucking barcode.

16:26

Get it out here. Oh, Edamami, the

16:28

Japanese are healthy. Let's see if the

16:30

Japanese are doing? I'm getting that UKIP

16:32

app. I won't read it out. Liquid

16:34

death, come on LG, come on LG.

16:36

Liquid death, a hundred out of a

16:39

hundred folks! Let's go! Drink your liquid

16:41

doubt, it's mountain, it's, yeah, it's mountain

16:43

water, it's mountain water, it's mountain water,

16:45

it's mountain water, it's mountain water, it's

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still drinking water. Dang it, I'm gonna

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getting this, I'm going through the alcohol,

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it just says, you know what you

16:54

know what you're doing. That's what it

16:56

does. I was reading this. Well, it

16:58

goes, you know what you're doing, and

17:00

it won't give you a score. For

17:03

real. Swear to God. So how much

17:05

how girl do you drink? Me? Yeah.

17:07

I drink. Well, I actually, two weeks

17:09

ago, two weeks ago I realized, because

17:11

I'm not usually a big drinker, but

17:13

two weeks ago I realized, because I'm

17:16

not usually a big drinker, but two

17:18

weeks ago I realized, but two weeks

17:20

ago I've been trying to. But so

17:22

I've been trying to not trying to

17:24

not trying to not trying to not

17:26

trying to not to not to not

17:29

to not to not to not to

17:31

not drink to not drink, I've, I've,

17:33

I've, I've been, I've been, I've been,

17:35

I've been, I've been, I've been, I've

17:37

been, I've been, I've been, I've been,

17:40

I've been, I've been, I've been, I've

17:42

been, I've been, I've been have a

17:44

little wine, it's nice to have a

17:46

little fucking tequila. Come on. You know

17:48

what I mean? I like to just

17:50

have that. Little vodka. Little vodka. Just

17:53

a sip, just a taste. Yeah. Because

17:55

it's either that or I eat a

17:57

fucking muffin. And the Yuka app's going

17:59

to tell me don't eat the muffin.

18:01

I, well I'm trying not to drink

18:03

tonight. Okay. You just literally told me

18:06

you're going to drink before couples therapy.

18:08

Yeah. I said. I'm not a deal

18:10

breaker, but I need to know is

18:12

it okay by coming here drunk every

18:14

now and then. What you say? Of

18:16

course. 100%? She goes, why wouldn't you?

18:19

She goes, I would love to, and

18:21

then Leanne was like, please, I would

18:23

love to see what you get when

18:25

you use drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've

18:27

been doing, we're doing, I'm like, I've

18:29

won two, we've tied on two, I

18:32

think. Yeah, it's good. That's good. A

18:34

couple therapy, yeah. Yeah, we got a

18:36

couple therapy. It really helped us a

18:38

lot. It was Rocky at first because

18:40

the couples therapist after knowing us for

18:43

a couple of weeks was like, maybe

18:45

you guys should, maybe is there an

18:47

idea of like entertaining a possible open

18:49

relationship? Is that possible? Okay. And I

18:51

swear to God, I said, I'm not,

18:53

no. I don't want to do that.

18:56

That's not, you know, at all. And

18:58

then she's like, okay. But then I

19:00

said, but just to ask some follow-up

19:02

questions, what does that imply? Like, you

19:04

know what I mean? Like, do you

19:06

want to, what does that mean? And

19:09

then, you know, it was just silent.

19:11

And then as soon as we left

19:13

that fucking therapy session, I mean, my

19:15

girl's pissed. She was like, follow-up questions,

19:17

what's the fucking follow-up question? And I

19:19

was like, I don't know, because I

19:22

just, I think I thought that I

19:24

got a little nervous about like, okay,

19:26

one woman for the rest of my

19:28

life, one for the rest of my

19:30

life, so I just got frantic, but

19:32

now I'm calm. Now I'm good, and

19:35

I'm like, this is good. This is

19:37

good. You want one woman, and we

19:39

got a beautiful family, we got engaged

19:41

now. So yeah, okay. So I've always

19:43

been confused, or YouTube. And I go,

19:46

wait, are they together? Are they broken

19:48

up? Right. It's honestly, sometimes we didn't

19:50

even. and sometimes we were just getting

19:52

out we were out of control but

19:54

now we are fully together yeah we've

19:56

we've good committed yeah it's just good

19:59

I wanted to be that way we

20:01

got a family got our kids and

20:03

we've been good now we're engaged and

20:05

I say wife I say we're we're

20:07

married we're married but not technically married

20:09

yet but Puerto Ricans they said as

20:12

long as you're engaged in fucking in

20:14

yeah that's what it is so we're

20:16

gonna get married we're gonna do a

20:18

Puerto Rico so I'll get married in

20:20

my backyard in my backyard in my

20:22

backyard for which is that's that's that's

20:25

that's that's that's that's that's that's that's

20:27

that's how I'll get married in my

20:29

backyard in my backyard And so, and

20:31

so, but it's fun. I like, you

20:33

know what it is? I feel great

20:36

being committed to it because then it's

20:38

like. Then it's like you just focus,

20:40

like you just say, I got my,

20:42

I got my family, I got my

20:44

wife, I got, we're gonna do my

20:46

career, and this is great, and the

20:49

family's happy, and everybody's happy, and I'm

20:51

like, oh, I was just scared of

20:53

the commitment, and that's why I was

20:55

in therapy for years, because I couldn't

20:57

commit to anything, girls, my career, my

20:59

fucking care, I just couldn't commit, and

21:02

it's exhausting, it's literally exhausting, it's like,

21:04

it's like. What? Just have that much

21:06

hair. Dude, I just, well, you know,

21:08

all my friends are bald, so I

21:10

just spiked these puppy up, I just,

21:12

I just did it up, and it's

21:15

good, and also I'm scanning my hair

21:17

products on Yuka. I only use fucking

21:19

50, over 100 hair products. Are you

21:21

serious? Because the creams, all the creams

21:23

and lotions, you can do like lotions,

21:25

the lotions that you put on your

21:28

body? Some of these things are one

21:30

out of a hundred. Some of them

21:32

are just pure fucking cancer. Some of

21:34

them are like you literally might as

21:36

well just move to trinoble. It's like

21:39

you're literally rubbing yourself down with trinoble

21:41

juice. But the Yuka app saves. I'm

21:43

Chrisie Avino, dude. Avino's good for you.

21:45

I want to get this new, I

21:47

just got a new face lotion from

21:49

Dr. Diamond. Oh my God. Yes, not

21:52

going to get a good score. Oh,

21:54

I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me

21:56

my Dr. Diamond lotion. It's like $500,

21:58

$500. It sounds like somebody in Trump's

22:00

cabinet. Someone bring it up the way

22:02

it was presented to me. Yes. Do

22:05

I hope the whole presentation. about men

22:07

getting plastic surgery? What I think about

22:09

men getting plastic surgery is I think

22:11

we shouldn't do it, just like I

22:13

think men should never get paternity leave

22:15

money. I think a man who goes

22:18

on paternity leave, I think men who

22:20

get on paternity leave, let's see, look

22:22

at this, look at this guy. This

22:24

is, I mean, you mean this? Then,

22:26

okay. Dr. Diamond, hang on.

22:29

Go ahead. The best plastic surgeon

22:31

in all of L.A. Okay, and

22:33

I don't know why he sent

22:35

me this well, and feel this

22:37

feel it's it's magneted Magna Dr.

22:39

Diamond they said is the best

22:41

plastic surgeon all of L.A. And

22:43

he spells medicine M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E I think

22:46

it's a branding Wait, and it doesn't

22:48

have a bar code. Don't have a

22:50

bar code. Well, how does it? Oh,

22:52

look I'd already got colloodoo plum raspberry plum

22:54

raspberry raspberry oil face mist It might be

22:56

the mayonnaise. Yeah, it literally thought wait, I

22:58

literally face miss just popped up. Hold on.

23:00

It's just scanned it. Hold on. No, I

23:02

don't know. There's no fucking barcode on it.

23:04

Yes, high-end. It's got high-end shit Biomatic. Hey, you

23:06

know what? Dr. Diamond's medicine. Let me let me let me

23:08

let me write him in. Okay, I'm gonna write him in. Hold on.

23:10

He hit me. He sent that to me. He sent that to me. He sent

23:13

that to me. He sent that to me. He sent that to me. He

23:15

sent that to me. He sent that to me. He sent that to me. He

23:17

sent that to me. He sent that to me. He sent that to

23:19

me. He sent that. He sent that. He sent that. He sent that.

23:21

He sent that. He sent that. He sent that. He sent that. He

23:23

sent that. He sent that. He sent that. He sent that. He sent

23:25

that We're Dr. Diamond's medicine plasma.

23:27

That's what this is called.

23:29

I think that is. 49

23:31

out of 100. So it's

23:33

poor. It's not bad. It's

23:35

got Phoenix Sentinel, which is

23:37

a moderate risk, which is

23:39

just a potential allergen. But

23:41

it's actually, this one is

23:44

mostly green. Good. Dr. Diamond

23:46

actually came through with, I'm

23:48

surprised by that. Dr. Squatch

23:50

is the better doctor. They're

23:52

saying here. Dr. Squatch. They're

23:54

saying Dr. Squatch is excellent.

23:56

Dr. Diamond's poor. That's what they're saying.

23:58

Okay. Well, I'm gonna err on. Dr.

29:41

Have you ever

29:43

spotted McDonald's hot,

29:46

crispy fries right

29:48

as they're being

29:50

scooped into the

29:52

carton? And time just

29:55

stands still. in

30:05

my head about like, you know, should I, should I be dressing

30:07

and acting like a 52 year old? Right. Like no. Sandler sure

30:09

is hell doesn't. He doesn't look at him. And he's got like

30:11

a style. You're too, you know, you know, no shirt, jeans, jeans,

30:13

jeans and flip flops. You're the flip flops. You're the flip flops.

30:15

You're the only guy, you're the only guy, you're the old,

30:17

you're the old, you're the old, you're the old,

30:19

you're the old, I've, you're the old, you're the

30:22

old, you're the old, you're the old, you're the

30:24

old, you're the old, you're the old, you're the

30:26

old, you're the old, you're the old, who I

30:28

genuinely like who wears jeans and flip-flops. Most men

30:30

who wear jeans and flip-flops, I want to walk

30:32

up to them and say, if you think your

30:34

wife's not cheating on you, you're mistaken. There's no

30:37

way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes,

30:39

okay? Why do you? You, New York guys are

30:41

not a fan of bare feet. We, I hate,

30:43

no, but, but, but, but the thing is, you.

30:45

I don't know what it is. You're just the guy

30:47

and everyone's, you just, the way you do it,

30:49

maybe because it's, you're the opposite of insecure. You're

30:51

confident with it. And I'm like, that's just being

30:53

burnt. I mean, you're barefoot, you know what I

30:55

mean? You're barefoot, you know what I mean? We

30:58

come in. You barefoot right now. You're barefoot right

31:00

now. You make me? You're barefoot right now. You

31:02

know what I mean? You're barefoot. You know what

31:04

I'm barefoot, you're barefoot, you're barefoot, you're barefoot, you're

31:06

barefoot, you're barefoot, you're barefoot, you, you, you, you're

31:08

barefoot, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, barefoot,

31:10

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, barefoot, you,

31:12

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

31:14

you, and I will, I refuse, yeah, I

31:16

have sneakers on and I'll take the

31:18

socks off usually and I'll just go,

31:21

I'll fucking, I'll put on slip on

31:23

sketches, like my dad, I'll put on

31:25

water shoes, the last thing you see

31:27

is my feet, dude, I hate my,

31:30

it's just gross. For real? It's just,

31:32

well, it's just like, I'd almost

31:34

rather, I'd rather, literally, for me

31:36

it's like what's gayer, a man's foot

31:38

on your. A man's foot on your face

31:41

or his balls on your nose? I

31:43

would say his foot on my face.

31:45

Because the balls on the nose is

31:47

like that's just high school getting tea

31:49

bag. Shout out Coach Kern. Yeah, but,

31:52

but. Camp. In 1987. Yeah, but, but

31:54

the, the sandals, I think it's just

31:56

so, you're Florida guy. So in New

31:58

York, so it's different. a pair of

32:00

Kino flip-flops. Kino is like the Florida flip-flop.

32:02

You get them in Q West. They're made

32:05

out of tires by Cuban women. They cost

32:07

like $10 and they last forever. And I

32:09

wore Kino flip-flops everywhere and my toenails were

32:11

painted. Right. And we're talking 1999. Yes. And

32:14

I would go on stage and Puerto Rican

32:16

dudes would just be like, what the fuck.

32:18

Yeah. I remember there was a Dominican guy

32:21

that told me I need to put socks

32:23

socks. Yes. You need fox on this. Well,

32:25

the Dominicans do that. That's the difference when

32:27

you're a kid. You learn, Puerto Ricans will

32:30

wear sandals with just barefoot, and Dominicans throw

32:32

a sock on and put on a sandal.

32:34

So I go, if anything, I lean towards

32:36

Dominican. Even though my family's Puerto Rican, but

32:39

I do have, if I'm going to put

32:41

on sandals, Dominican style. Yeah. Yeah. Do you,

32:43

are your kids more Puerto Rican or more

32:45

Italian? More Puerto Rican. They're the most Puerto

32:48

Rican. They look, now my daughters are starting

32:50

to look real fucking Puerto Rican, for real,

32:52

like real deal, Puerto Rican dude. My nine-year-old

32:55

is, fuck, it just a tattoo on her

32:57

tip. We did a long time ago. Oh,

32:59

yeah. And we were talking about, you were

33:01

like, I'm just... I think you got emotional.

33:04

I did, I started crying. And then I

33:06

started crying and that was like the, I

33:08

think that was the first out of many

33:10

times I started crying. Yes. That was like

33:13

my first where I was like, because I

33:15

got, I was like, I was, I never

33:17

would cry because I was like, people are

33:19

going to think you're weak. And then I

33:22

got such positive feedback from that one clip.

33:24

Yeah. Like, you know, that's how I met

33:26

Isi, Israel Addisania. Oh really? Is he having

33:28

to me about that clip? He goes, dude,

33:31

this is powerful shit. You and him having

33:33

this conversation is strong man. Yeah. Can't wait,

33:35

I can't wait to you coming to New

33:38

Zealand. I want to see your stand up.

33:40

And I was like, okay. But that has,

33:42

how has that been? Like, it's that clear.

33:44

I just have a rule. I only go

33:47

away. two weekends a month max or sometimes

33:49

one if I can make enough money to

33:51

just If I won, then it's just one.

33:53

So I'm just like, I just, for me,

33:56

but everybody's different. For me, I'm just like

33:58

the guy, like, I don't want to be,

34:00

first of all, I get very uncomfortable leaving

34:02

the original 13 colonies to begin with. I'm

34:05

an original 13 guy, I'm big on the

34:07

founding fathers, I'm big on the founding fathers,

34:09

I'm big on the founding fathers, I believe

34:12

in their version of founding fathers, I believe

34:14

in their version of the founding fathers, I

34:16

want to, I want to, I want to,

34:18

I want to, I want to, I want

34:21

to, I want to, for, for, for, for,

34:23

for, for, for, for, for me, for me,

34:25

for me, for me, for me, for me,

34:27

for me, for me, for me, for me,

34:30

for me, for me, for me, for me,

34:32

for me, for me, for me, for me,

34:34

for me, for me, for me, for me,

34:36

for And so I, sons of Liberty Christie,

34:39

so I like coming out to California in

34:41

all these places I really do, but I

34:43

just want to be close to my family.

34:45

It's just how I am. Comedy for me,

34:48

I love doing it, I really do. But

34:50

I didn't ever, I was never the guy

34:52

that like knew the history of comedy. I

34:55

didn't watch any comedy, he was, I didn't

34:57

know. I just started doing it as a

34:59

goof. I was a physical therapist, I fucking

35:01

did an open mic at the Maui Taco.

35:04

But I was a physical therapist, I fucking

35:06

did an open mic at the Maui Taco.

35:08

But I was a physical therapy, like, fully,

35:10

that was my life. And then very quickly.

35:13

I don't know if, I think it is,

35:15

but I'm like, I don't know, because I,

35:17

like I see guys that fucking love it.

35:19

Yeah. And I'm just like, I don't know,

35:22

I don't know that I do, I love

35:24

it, I like having fun, I'm having fun

35:26

with you right now, but do I love

35:28

it? I don't know, I've never been, I

35:31

don't know, like I'm very, very, very, very,

35:33

very, very comfortable being in third place. I

35:35

couldn't fucking care less dude. I don't want

35:38

to be the best. That would suck. I

35:40

felt I felt the same way you did

35:42

for a very long time. Yeah, but look

35:44

at how big you are now. No, but

35:47

no, but I think what happened with me

35:49

is I've you get this. I mean, this

35:51

is exactly what happens is you take on

35:53

a responsibility like a movie where you're the

35:56

star of it or a TV show or

35:58

a tour or you create a tour or

36:00

you do an arena tour where you. You

36:02

had no, that was never my, my goal

36:05

was never to try to try to be

36:07

like, like a fucking, you know, I want

36:09

to be the fucking man. I remember Schultz

36:12

came all my podcast when I did it

36:14

out of my house, my old, old house,

36:16

and I was like, so what's the goal?

36:18

And he was like, what's the goal? And

36:21

he was like, I'm coming after Bill Burr.

36:23

And I was like, I remember hearing that

36:25

going like, I just hope they think I

36:27

think I think I think I'm funny. doing

36:30

bigger things and then all the sudden you

36:32

have to it gets out of control it

36:34

gets totally out of control and you have

36:36

15 people working for you and you've got

36:39

a vodka company in a 5k and a

36:41

summer festival and a cruise and an arena

36:43

tour and a movie in a TV show

36:45

and another movie in three movies and development

36:48

you're writing another movie with another movie with

36:50

another guy and then you're like wait I

36:52

don't know what did I get into this

36:55

for? It's almost like you know, like what

36:57

were we talking about? Yeah. And you're just

36:59

a little lost. And I think it's cool

37:01

that like you and Stavio, the two people

37:04

that I look at, where you guys completely

37:06

have no issue stepping back and getting off

37:08

the merry-go-round. I have two very, very, very

37:10

specific goals and I've had them from the

37:13

beginning. One. but first goal was to have

37:15

a sitcom about my father like on the

37:17

air of my family so that's in development

37:19

right now so God willing it goes but

37:22

that's like a goal that I'm really trying

37:24

if this one doesn't work I'll try again

37:26

because it's very specific and then the second

37:29

was to is to headline Madison Square Garden

37:31

because I'm from New York and I'm doing

37:33

that September 11 25 I'm doing the garden

37:35

September 11 yeah isn't that fucking wild dude

37:38

pre-so codes Hamas and Is it really? No.

37:40

Oh my God. They wouldn't let me. That's

37:42

so good. That's so, you're doing the fucking

37:44

garden for real, for real, for real. For

37:47

real, for real. Yes, Ron Funch commented, nice.

37:49

Thank you, Ronnie. Appreciate that. And shout out

37:51

Ron Funch. And Ron Funch is. And, but

37:53

yeah, I'm doing that. So this is, this

37:56

is what I, so for me, and it's

37:58

not about being the goat. which I respect

38:00

Schultz doesn't. Hold on, hold on, you realize

38:02

that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're

38:05

putting your name in the hat. That's what I

38:07

mean. So on it, but that's the thing for

38:09

me is that I couldn't, like here's, you want

38:11

to know my career for real, for real? I'm

38:13

doing Madison Square Garden and headlining the arena, September

38:15

11th, 2025, September 19th, you boys doing the Milwaukee

38:17

improv. And I'm not gonna sell it out. And

38:20

that's just what it is. And that's just what

38:22

it is. And that's just what it is. But in

38:24

New York, which I've only ever cared about,

38:26

you know, I just... You are so... You

38:28

aren't such a New York comic! Yeah! You

38:30

give two fucks about the rest of the

38:32

country! I don't fucking care! I mean, shout

38:34

out, you shout out, Jeffrey Dahmer, but I

38:36

literally... I literally, my goal has been, so

38:38

I've worked up the chain, you know, you

38:41

do the venues, town hall, then the beacon,

38:43

then Radio City, then the theater at MSG,

38:45

and now they put me on the big

38:47

one. And this is to me, like, how,

38:49

like, making it, like, the goat, that's what

38:51

it is to me. For me, it's not

38:53

about the other stuff. It's, I just want to

38:55

be big in New York. And so that's my,

38:57

that's my, that's my goal. And the, the tickets,

38:59

the tickets, you know, you know, you know, you

39:01

know, you know, you know, you know, you know,

39:04

you know, you know, you know, you know, you

39:06

know, you know, you know, you know, you know,

39:08

you know, you know, you know, you know, you

39:10

know, you know, the September 11th story that I've

39:12

told that's like my mini mini mini machine. It's

39:14

like the thing that I'm known for. I'm gonna

39:16

tell that at the end. And then I got,

39:18

I got special guests coming out and end, and

39:20

we just thought of, you know, we were gonna

39:22

do this. Anyway, but I was like,

39:24

I want to give, I was going to

39:27

give like money to like, I was going

39:29

to give like a money to like a

39:31

9-11 foundation. But now what I want to

39:33

do is I want to just give like

39:36

500 tickets to like first responders. That's a

39:38

better move. So we're going to just do

39:40

that as opposed to a foundation. Because I

39:42

know where the money's gone. It gets lost

39:45

in the fucking. I want the first responders

39:47

there. So, um, my class, like dude, Montreal,

39:49

Montreal, Montreal, just for laughs, class was for

39:51

laughs, was fucking nuts. Sam Moral, Mark Norman,

39:54

fucking Brooks wheeling. There's like some,

39:56

but there's other people that I'm like forgetting

39:58

that are like, it was. one of those

40:00

Montreal clients was like holy shitballs famous famous

40:02

oh yeah dude Shane Shulcy they know like

40:05

they know like they know everyone like why

40:07

I was at the Laker game with Shulty

40:09

we were sitting next to each other it

40:11

was great and you know just get recognized

40:13

you know obviously by everyone but then you

40:16

know like the coach of the Lakers is

40:18

Jay Jay Redick and like they're walking by

40:20

and like Jay just like oh what up

40:22

Schultz and it's just like oh you're just

40:24

like friend like you just know people I'm

40:26

still not that like I know and I'm

40:29

not even I'm not saying that I'm not

40:31

like that but I just I'm always shocked

40:33

if a celebrity knows me. Sure. Like here

40:35

many times I've said to people, you know

40:37

my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And

40:39

I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah.

40:42

I know it's a weird, it's a weird

40:44

thing. I mean, but yeah, I mean, I

40:46

mean, you, but I guess because you can't

40:48

see you from the outside. We can see

40:50

you. I would assume that they couldn't see

40:52

them from the outside. Right. I'm always shocked

40:55

that Shane. is I remember trying to introduce

40:57

him to Dipplo and he was like no

40:59

no no no no no no just don't

41:01

just don't he was so uncomfortable I'm trying

41:03

to introduce him to Guy Fieri and he

41:06

was like I'm good I'm just gonna stay

41:08

in the back yeah I was like okay

41:10

that's Shane yeah last week I see a

41:12

picture with him Guy Fieri and Dietti and

41:14

he was like I'm good I'm just gonna

41:16

stay in the back yeah I was like

41:19

okay that's Shane yeah you want to talk

41:21

about penis is ever seen Dipplo's Dick No,

41:23

pull it up. Are you serious? I mean,

41:25

you want to talk about a fucking pocket

41:27

rocket? Really? Whoa! Diplos penis. Whoa, whoa! No,

41:29

but there's, no, but there's pictures of his

41:32

beef. You got to take your fucking safety

41:34

off. Yeah, take the safety off. The filter

41:36

is filters. His actual, his actual penis is

41:38

out there. His actual hard penis. Somebody, I

41:40

used to have it, I used to try

41:43

to pass it along as Dick picks for

41:45

me. Is that it? Who's that? Orlando Bloom?

41:47

Who takes it after they took a piss?

41:49

Yeah, I don't know I know that's not

41:51

a lot of dick. Oh, no, it's damn

41:53

it I wish I don't have it in

41:56

my phone anymore God-dam jasmine started deleting it

41:58

all The you cap it should be on

42:00

the you cap his pays dick's a hundred

42:02

out of a hundred no added a big

42:04

dick, huh? Diplow's got a nice piece now.

42:06

Yeah, he fucks a lot I bet I

42:09

don't know if he's in a relationship or

42:11

what he's doing. No, that's the kind of

42:13

guy that's the kind of guy that is

42:15

like afraid of guy that is like afraid

42:17

of Yeah. Once you get to, like, what

42:20

does he, he's got to be, like, 45,

42:22

right? Right. 40. He's got, he's been around

42:24

for a while. And he has the kind

42:26

of life where every night it's a show,

42:28

then a private jet, then a show, then

42:30

a private jet, then a show, then a

42:33

private jet. And I mean, I just, I

42:35

guess he like pencils in pussy here and

42:37

there. Yeah. kill himself over it. Do I

42:39

just found out who that guy was? Yeah.

42:41

I never knew who Vichy was and I

42:43

saw it on my name's Bill or something

42:46

is the documentary on Netflix and I start

42:48

watching it and I'm like oh this kid's

42:50

cool shit and then I start recognized songs

42:52

I was like oh I know the song

42:54

big song and like both my daughters walked

42:56

in and they're like oh my god he

42:59

killed himself and I was like wait I've

43:01

not at the end yet you assholes yeah

43:03

he fucking he killed himself because of this

43:05

you spending time with your family the way

43:07

you do grounds you and then yeah after

43:10

the night time you get clamidity or you're

43:12

like you know what I don't need to

43:14

walk this off anymore why don't we just

43:16

retire the good old dick and balls and

43:18

then now at least I know when it

43:20

paint when it's when I have a little

43:23

pain during urination I said it's not an

43:25

CT could be cancer but that's better yeah

43:27

at least it's just a fucking prostateate cancer

43:29

you know because I you know that and

43:31

I also just felt like there's no way

43:33

I'm going to be able to even make

43:36

it through this career unless I have some

43:38

time like you have you're rock in the

43:40

ocean lian yeah right so like I that's

43:42

that's what I have I have my empana

43:44

I have my empana on the front You

43:47

have your bodega. My bodega. My bodega. Because

43:49

she's, you know, my little plantano, because she,

43:51

you know, and it's just nice to come

43:53

home and be like, you know, have someone

43:55

who's, who's taking, like, we feel like, we

43:57

feel like, like, like a good unit now.

44:00

I take care of the career stuff and

44:02

our family, you know, and our family has

44:04

what they want, and then she takes care

44:06

of the kids and the house and the

44:08

house and the house and the home, and

44:10

then it all works, and then it all

44:13

works together, and it all works together, and

44:15

it all works together, and it all works

44:17

together, and it all works together, and it

44:19

all works together, and it all works together,

44:21

and it's like, and it's like, and it's

44:24

like, and it's like, and it's like, and

44:26

it's like, and it all works together, and

44:28

it's like, and it's like, and it's like,

44:30

and it's like is when you feel like

44:32

a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and

44:34

you go, this is my team. Right. These

44:37

are my guys. This is my starting lineup.

44:39

Yeah. And this is, and we've got each

44:41

other's backs? Yes. Oh, it's the best. It's

44:43

amazing. Yeah, I do feel like I have

44:45

a basketball, I do feel like we're like

44:47

a basketball team. And two of my children

44:50

are black. But I am their father. Yeah.

44:52

Is that hers from the other one? For

44:54

the and that we did the we did

44:56

the DNA test and it's not it's pending.

44:58

Okay, but they are my children Yeah, Tunisia

45:01

Tunisia and Tarif God But yeah, you know,

45:03

I am because you know, the thing is

45:05

for me is I you know, we have

45:07

our three kids have stepson and there are

45:09

two biological daughters and and and they a

45:11

lot of people get married and have kids

45:14

but we had kids and then got married

45:16

so it's kind of cool for us because

45:18

we're like oh our kids now will have

45:20

memories of like our wedding of when we

45:22

propose like my kids were involved in it

45:24

all so I kind of there is like

45:27

a little silver lining of that you know

45:29

a part of me is like I wish

45:31

I would have just fucking done this years

45:33

ago no so I wouldn't like you know

45:35

shorts on my house in Staten Island the

45:37

thing that's what I did Because I thought

45:40

I wanted to, I was like, oh me,

45:42

we're not going to work out. So I

45:44

was like, let's sell our fucking beautiful home

45:46

with the 2.8% interest rate. But it's really

45:48

just because I wasn't, I was scared to

45:51

commit to anything. And now I'm fucking out

45:53

there, fucking dick in the wind with mortgage

45:55

rates at 7%. You're fucking 20% sold in

45:57

the pre-sale. Do you run all your money?

45:59

on all your money. So do you, are

46:01

you go with money? I, I'm, I'm. more

46:04

responsible with money now than I've ever

46:06

been. I have an accountant of course that

46:08

I talk to, like I talk to

46:10

my accountant every day. Really? Because I want

46:12

to have a relationship with him where

46:14

I'm like what are we investing and what

46:16

are we doing because that is my,

46:18

I feel that's my responsibility. Like we have

46:21

a little bit of an old school

46:23

relationship in the sense of like I do

46:25

the money, the finance, I bring home

46:27

the bacon and then she takes care of

46:29

the home. Do you have like a

46:31

login to your bank account? the cash account,

46:34

we got some of the kids 529,

46:36

we got some in fucking... Bitcoin. Do

46:38

you have some in Bitcoin? Do you

46:40

have some in crypto, baby? Whoo, Christie

46:43

Crypto, I grabbed those coins like, fucking

46:45

Mario. For real? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I

46:47

bought a couple of biddies low. But

46:49

I bought a couple of biddies in

46:51

2021, son. For real? Yes. So

46:53

nothing's appreciated like that. Like

46:56

the bit. I don't go crazy with it.

46:58

I got a friend who has 100%

47:00

of his money in Bitcoin. Who signed the

47:02

contract where they wanted their signing bonus?

47:04

An NFL player. I don't know who

47:07

it is, but he has to have

47:09

the most money in the NFL. Yeah.

47:11

Because of how just much it went

47:14

up, he has to. Now I don't

47:16

understand at all, but I don't need

47:18

to understand it. So you ready for

47:20

this? Yes. So when we did the

47:23

first sober October, so it was before

47:25

that. So before O'Dell Beckham took his

47:27

2021 salary in Bitcoin. What does

47:29

he got now? Wait, what? He

47:32

bought 750 grand of Bitcoin? Yeah.

47:34

Yo, holy schmole. What is

47:36

his Bitcoin work now? What

47:38

is Odell's Bitcoin worth now

47:40

right there? Oh, I'm sorry. Would be

47:42

worth about... What? How is that?

47:44

No. It's got to be more worth

47:47

more than that. Only from 750?

47:49

Well, it's... I think you... I think...

47:51

I don't know when you had to

47:54

buy, that's 2023. Okay. So it's been

47:56

kind of fluctuating. Right, that's true. This

47:58

is my biggest regret. I didn't have

48:00

money then, so I couldn't have

48:03

done this. I was doing Rogan's

48:05

podcast, and I think Red Band

48:07

was still doing the board, before

48:09

Jamie. Oh wow. Okay. This is

48:11

back in the day. I remember

48:14

in this episode, Red Band said,

48:16

I didn't believe that women could

48:18

squirt, and Red Band said, I

48:20

could make your wife squirt, and

48:22

Joe got snapped at him. I

48:25

mean, it was like, hey, that's

48:27

fucking inappropriate. You can't do that

48:29

moment. She's a rock in the

48:31

ocean. Yeah. Brian bought up Bitcoin

48:34

and Joe casually said we should

48:36

each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin

48:38

Had we done that? I think

48:40

I did the evaluation was like

48:42

2006 right when Bitcoin came out

48:45

right like right when I was

48:47

like 2016 2017 it would see

48:49

what Bitcoin if you had 3,000

48:51

in now would be so what

48:53

was it? What was the cost

48:56

of one Bitcoin in 2016? Yeah

48:58

One BTC, Bitcoin, BTC, baby. 963

49:00

bucks was long Bitcoin. So if

49:02

I bought $3,000, I would have

49:05

had $3,000. So I would have

49:07

had like five, five Bitcoin's. You

49:09

would have had, no, no, no.

49:11

No, no. No, you would have

49:13

had 3,000 Bitcoin. They were basically

49:16

963. So you'd have had like

49:18

a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right?

49:20

No, no, no. You were saying

49:22

you're saying you would have a

49:24

particular ticket. I

49:28

was only going to spend $3,000. I'm sorry.

49:31

I'm sorry. So then how much would three

49:33

Bitcoin be today? So it's good investment. Yeah,

49:35

that would have been a good investment. But

49:37

the people who make the real real

49:39

money is when Bitcoin was like 22 cents

49:42

and they bought like, you know, they put

49:44

like 10 grand in it. That's when it's

49:46

not crazy. I was I didn't understand Bitcoin.

49:49

Can you explain Bitcoin as someone who

49:51

does understand it? Can you explain the concept

49:53

of Doge coin, Bitcoin, Bitcoin, Bitcoin, Bitcoin, Bitcoin,

49:55

Bitcoin, No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

49:58

Yeah, see the meme coins and stuff I

50:00

don't know and I don't really I

50:02

don't really I don't I don't Fox with

50:04

that. Yeah I just stay standard Bitcoin and

50:06

for me the thing with Bitcoin is yes

50:09

I can't explain it I really can I

50:11

don't know how it is some Japanese guy

50:13

I have no it's it's it's it's

50:15

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

50:18

it's it's when Asians this when Asians lost

50:20

me tenacle porn Yes, and I was like

50:22

okay it turns me on and I don't

50:24

know why and I know it's not

50:26

real and now I'm turned on You're done.

50:29

I can't do it right so so anything

50:31

that comes from that that's a beautiful brain

50:33

like Aylon must probably has an Asian brain

50:36

I would imagine his brain is Asian

50:38

I mean can you believe he's from South

50:40

Africa, right? And have you met South Africans?

50:42

No. No. They're not all like that. I

50:44

believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa.

50:47

Right. And it's just, fucker, he's coming

50:49

out, he's good. And so my thing is

50:51

like, yes, I can't explain Bitcoin. and I

50:53

don't know how it fluctuates or whatever, but

50:56

I also really can't explain inflation and why

50:58

the Federal Reserve decides to do what they

51:00

do either. So in a way, it's

51:02

like you can show me all this, you

51:05

know, trigonometry, but it's like at the end

51:07

of the day, it's just somebody saying the

51:09

rates are up because they're up and they're

51:11

down because they're down, and it fluctuates

51:13

like that. So it's the same as Bitcoin.

51:16

So for me, just because you can explain

51:18

it to you. Yeah. I can explain it

51:20

to you. Yeah. You ready? Yes. And you'll

51:23

like this. This is a history. By

51:25

the way, I'm not like you. I can't

51:27

recite the exact history. I can just tell

51:29

you kind of what it was about. Right.

51:31

Yeah, I'm like autistic with history. Like you

51:34

start asking because I'm like 1776, 7077. Do

51:36

you really? I showed the gun like

51:38

that. So the first American currency was introduced

51:40

in like 1800s. Yeah. They were using coins

51:43

because you could feel them in your hand.

51:45

Right. You could hold them. They were the

51:47

value of that gold coin. You knew

51:49

that was the value of that thing. Yes.

51:51

So they're like, you know, we got to

51:54

take over Canada. Right. And they're like. We

51:56

need like 3,000 soldiers, but we don't have

51:58

any money to give you guys. So

52:00

don't, we're not gonna go back to Mesopotamia.

52:03

Well, maybe it was, maybe it was 1775.

52:05

But anyway, so this is the story. So

52:07

they said, let's just make paper currency, okay?

52:10

And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you

52:12

this, and we're gonna take over this

52:14

town, we're gonna get all their fucking shit.

52:16

And we get all their shit, you give

52:18

me this and I'll give me this and

52:21

I'll give you get me this and I'll

52:23

give you get me this and I'll

52:25

give you get me this and I'll give

52:27

you get me this and I'll give you

52:30

get me this and I'll give you get

52:32

me this and I'll give you get me

52:34

that much and I'll give you get

52:36

me that much and I'll get me that

52:38

much and I'll get me that much. So

52:41

they gave everyone $3,000 in or $300 in

52:43

paper currency. They went in, took over the

52:45

fucking city, they won. Had they not

52:47

won, it wouldn't have worked. But they won.

52:50

And then everyone went, here's my thing, can

52:52

I get my thing, can I get my

52:54

stuff back? And the guys were like, I'll

52:57

just hold on to this. And then when

52:59

they were like, yo, this is easier

53:01

than this. So they're like, yo, I'll take

53:03

these, I'll take these. So we are, no

53:05

one can say no, everyone's gonna believe in

53:08

it. Right. And that's the shit with Bitcoin.

53:10

Yeah. Everyone's got to believe in it.

53:12

So it's real though. But once as soon

53:14

as everyone believes in it, it's good. Once

53:17

JP Morgan and all them are investing hundreds

53:19

of millions of dollars, like it's, stop, it's

53:21

not, I'm not, I'm not telling you,

53:23

I'm not telling you, you, put your money

53:25

in, but you can't actually ignore it anymore.

53:28

If it did go to zero, it's a

53:30

risk. It's a high volatile risk thing that

53:32

I have. But yeah, I don't, I can't

53:35

explain, dude, I can't explain anything, you.

53:37

It's like, you know, I can't explain anything.

53:39

I was telling this to Peter, we were

53:41

looking at some show on Netflix and the

53:43

guys had a Honus Wagner rookie card. Sick.

53:46

And you know who Honus Wagner? Honus

53:48

Wagner, Hall of Fameer. Yes. And Pete, and

53:50

Pete, and five sister Pete's like, Pete's like,

53:52

I would never pay that much money, it.

53:55

It's worth it. He's like, not to me.

53:57

And I went, that's Bitcoin. That's Bitcoin.

53:59

Oh. We just believe it. The baseball card

54:01

right there, the Honus Wagner, the baseball cards

54:04

are many bitcoins. By the way, Honus Wagner,

54:06

I mean, what the face of a Nazi?

54:08

I mean, you want to talk about a

54:10

Nazi head? All work. If this kid,

54:12

he would have been hitting the home runs,

54:15

except the balls were Jews. We watched we

54:17

watched in glorious bastards on tour in Europe

54:19

with our tour manager who's German the best

54:22

that was really fun Yeah, those are

54:24

some bad guys Yeah, those are some bad

54:26

guys This is all this is so horrible.

54:28

Yeah, knowing full well those are like Benman.

54:30

This is crazy. I was on I did

54:33

bad friends yesterday I was talking about

54:35

mass and square garden and then we pulled

54:37

up how the Nazis sold out mass and

54:39

square garden in 1938 in 1938. Do you

54:42

know about that? Everyone I was thinking like,

54:44

how funny, it was like, you know, like

54:46

the MC was like, and now welcome

54:48

the man, you hit a T! Hit no!

54:50

It's coming out. I heard someone pissing a

54:53

moaning that Hitler's Hal Hitler wasn't even like

54:55

a full Hal Hitler, it was like a

54:57

phone-in-in one, like, yeah. Well, you know

54:59

they were on meth, you know, like Ponsor

55:02

chocolate, like that, that thing, and you know

55:04

it's a lot, you know what's one thing

55:06

people people don't, people don't, people don't, people

55:09

don't, people don't, people don't, people don't,

55:11

people don't, people don't, people don't, people don't,

55:13

people don't, people don't, people don't, people don't,

55:15

people, people don't, people don't, A lot of

55:17

these German soldiers, these Nazis, you know, they

55:20

were definitely the SS and the bad

55:22

ones, 1,000% like pieces of shit, garbage people.

55:24

A lot of them were good guys. Well,

55:26

fumma. No, not those guys. No, not those

55:29

guys. No, not those guys. No, not those

55:31

guys. No, all those guys were scum. But

55:33

some of those guys, no, all those

55:35

guys were scum, but some of them were

55:37

not anti-Semitic at all. you know like crystal

55:40

meth basically because they would even give it

55:42

to the soldiers they would definitely give it

55:44

to the SS guards then they would

55:46

give it to the army and then you

55:49

know the war ends the drugs start to

55:51

go out of your system you start to

55:53

have these mental health crises they would suicide

55:56

through the roof and when they went

55:58

back to Germany or whatever country they How

56:00

to join the Nazis from they were hated

56:02

and they would be murdered. So it was

56:04

like there's a there's a period of like

56:06

10 years after the World War two like

56:09

the it's really bad for like Quote

56:11

unquote innocent German people. Yeah, that's

56:13

when my family Came here of

56:15

real yeah, because I'm really most no

56:17

most of my ancestry is German really to the

56:19

point where I'm not even short because I did

56:21

the ancestry that common it's a 98% German. So

56:24

I'm like was distef a cover name I don't

56:26

know if it was a cover Could you guys

56:28

have lived in the Alps? Well, here's the thing.

56:30

When I was a little kid, when I was

56:32

a little kid, this is true, when I... grew up

56:34

in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood, okay? But I, when

56:37

I was a little kid, people, the older people, older German, people are

56:39

still living there. They've died off now, but they would come up to

56:41

me if I was like seven years old walking the store and they'd

56:43

be like, hey, do you know, like, I don't know, German, but they

56:45

thought I was a little fucking German. And then there was a, you

56:47

do kind of look German. There was a, there was a, there was

56:49

a, there was a guy, who my grandeur, who my grandeur, who my

56:51

grandeur, who my grandeur, who my grandeur, who my grandi, who my grandi,

56:53

who my grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who

56:56

my grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who my

56:58

grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who my grandi, who my

57:00

My grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor

57:02

across the street. Great guy, whatever, and he

57:04

would say they're war buddies. And then he died,

57:06

my grandpa died, and then his name was Charles,

57:08

and I remember asking my mom, like years later.

57:10

Remember, Charles, you know, remember, asking my mom, like

57:12

years later. Remember, Charles, you know, I mean, Charles,

57:14

like, yeah, I mean, asking my mom, like years later. Remember,

57:16

Charles, like, yeah, I mean, I mean, my mom, like, like,

57:19

like, like, like, like, my mom, like, like, like, like, like,

57:21

like, like, like, my mom, like, like, like, my mom, like,

57:23

like, like, like, my mom, like, like, like, like, my mom,

57:25

like, like, like, my mom, like, like, like, like, like, my

57:27

mom, like, my mom, like, like, like, like, like, my mom,

57:29

my mom Kind of and I was like,

57:31

what do you mean? Where did they meet?

57:33

And she was like, honey Charles was a

57:35

Nazi and I was like, what? She was

57:38

like, yeah, he came here. He fought with

57:40

the German army and he just

57:42

lived here. And I was like, oh,

57:44

I didn't know that. It's like, I

57:46

told a different story. I didn't know

57:49

that. That's why he would always slapped

57:51

canishes out of my hand. Because the

57:53

German because like SS sort like there's

57:55

a documentary the devil next door this

57:58

SS guard so like those guys The

58:00

government still will hunt them down and

58:02

arrest them. But if you were just

58:04

like a German soldier that was just

58:06

like forced to find the army, which

58:08

I guess this guy Charles was, it

58:10

was like you just fought in the

58:12

other side and it was okay, I

58:14

guess. But it's interesting. My favorite Nazi

58:16

story is Alex Eichmann, where they got

58:18

him from, they extracted him. Is it

58:20

Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I

58:22

don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just

58:24

hit and it'll come up. It'll come

58:26

up. They pulled him out of Brazil.

58:28

8th off hike made a little different

58:30

Alex American love yeah and they brought

58:32

him to Israel and they were because

58:34

and a lot of people in Israel

58:36

didn't believe in the Holocaust a lot

58:38

of Israelis didn't believe because they're like

58:40

so hold on they killed everyone but

58:42

you guys are still here right tell

58:44

me how bad was it if you

58:46

made it out right and uh And

58:48

then they brought, when they took him

58:50

and they held him on trial in

58:52

Israel, he is the reason that people

58:54

started believing the Holocaust because he told

58:56

the stories of, yeah, this is what

58:58

we did, this is what we did.

59:00

And he was saying, I was just

59:02

a guy, I was doing my job,

59:04

I was doing my job. And you're

59:06

like, wow, my grandfather was in World

59:08

War II, he went in and cleared

59:10

out Nazi. death camps or whatever concentration

59:12

camps and saw his relatives his cousins

59:14

wow as Nazis and was like wow

59:16

he's like that would have been me

59:18

yeah it's crazy crazy do you think

59:20

because I'm into a lot of history

59:22

as well do you think when you

59:24

listen to these stories of of Americans

59:27

getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea

59:29

or World War II or World War

59:31

I seems to be the fucking worst

59:33

in my opinion. It was wild. Do

59:35

you think that you could have done

59:37

that, could have given up your free

59:39

will and listened to a man going

59:41

all right I want everyone out of

59:43

this Foxhole and everyone charge the berm?

59:45

I'm gonna say no. I mean all

59:47

I couldn't at all. 9-11 happened and

59:49

a lot of kids in my high

59:51

school join the army was a lot

59:53

of patriotism back then and I literally

59:55

was online looking at ways to get

59:57

excluded from the army and I swear

59:59

to God one of them was if

1:00:01

you have psoriatic arthritis which I was

1:00:03

able to mentally convince myself I had

1:00:05

and be able to prove in a

1:00:07

court of law that I did have

1:00:09

to avoid going to the army so

1:00:11

I literally was able, so I'm gonna

1:00:13

say that I'm gonna give you a,

1:00:15

the answer is no. I think if,

1:00:17

you know, like when you watch like

1:00:19

movies about like colonial America, I think

1:00:21

I'd be the drummer in the back.

1:00:23

I'd be that guy, the drummer holding

1:00:25

the flags, it just get a cannonball

1:00:27

to the head immediately. I bet I

1:00:29

could have been, I could have been,

1:00:31

no I can apply myself. As a

1:00:33

matter of fact, I don't mind reading.

1:00:35

I like reading, I like reading, I

1:00:37

like reading, I like reading, I like

1:00:39

reading, I like reading, I like reading,

1:00:41

I like reading, I like reading, I

1:00:43

like reading, I like reading, I like

1:00:45

reading, I like reading, I like reading,

1:00:47

I like reading, I like reading, I

1:00:49

like reading, I like reading, I like

1:00:51

reading, I like reading, I like reading,

1:00:53

I like reading, And here's one, this

1:00:55

one is my favorite little bit of

1:00:57

history. Okay. We went to Serbia to

1:00:59

shoot the machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix.

1:01:01

Um, shout out. And, uh, we saw

1:01:03

a statue of Gabriela Pritzip. Okay. I'm

1:01:05

not familiar. Gabriel Pritzip, uh, is type

1:01:07

of men. He's fell it correctly too.

1:01:09

Don't fuck around. I think good luck.

1:01:11

Uh, he is Gabriel, Gabrielo. Pritzip, he

1:01:13

shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand

1:01:15

to start World War I. This one

1:01:17

man affected history bigger than anyone ever.

1:01:19

And here's my connection. I mean, by

1:01:21

the way, just real quick, just look

1:01:23

at this guy. This guy looks like

1:01:26

he's in his mid 60s. He died

1:01:28

at 24. Yeah. He died in prison

1:01:30

at 24 in Chechnya, I think, or

1:01:32

in, I don't know, maybe in Croatia.

1:01:34

But anyway, he is the biggest hero

1:01:36

in Serbia. He is a hero because

1:01:38

this man created Yugoslavia, basically. What he

1:01:40

did is he stood up, he was

1:01:42

part of the Young Turks, I think,

1:01:44

and he started that. Now here's what's

1:01:46

crazy. So when they shot that CEO?

1:01:48

Yes. Fame Energy. Right. That people look

1:01:50

at that kid as a hero and

1:01:52

he, it reminds me of this Gabrielle

1:01:54

Pritzip, of like this one gunshot changes

1:01:56

the world. This is the Luigi Manzioni

1:01:58

of Serbia. Yeah. I mean, listen, here's

1:02:00

the thing with the CEO, I don't

1:02:02

like it, I don't like a murder

1:02:04

in the street at all, but I,

1:02:06

I mean, you know, as well as

1:02:08

anybody, I mean, there's health care industry,

1:02:10

I mean, it's pigish. Dude. It's piggish,

1:02:12

dude. I'll tell you what, I'm not,

1:02:14

I've come out inside, but I've said

1:02:16

out loud, I hate that people are

1:02:18

celebrating this guy's murdering of a person.

1:02:20

No good. It's horrible. He has family,

1:02:22

he has children, he's a human being.

1:02:24

I'll tell you one thing, is shine

1:02:26

the light on how bad the health

1:02:28

care system is. Hell yeah. I mean,

1:02:30

like, if that, imagine, I feel like

1:02:32

I'm talking shit, but imagine sacrificing your

1:02:34

own life to change a system. That's

1:02:36

what this guy did. That's what this

1:02:38

guy did and that's what that guy

1:02:40

did I don't I'm not that guy

1:02:42

right but it's crazy that that's a

1:02:44

thing I know I'd like to give

1:02:46

Luigi Manzionia fucking colonoscopy I mean what

1:02:48

a haughty with the body that guy's

1:02:50

a hundred out of a hundred on

1:02:52

the UK app I understand an ugly

1:02:54

guy killing people but yeah looking guy

1:02:56

what are you killing people for dude

1:02:58

seriously like Ted bunny he could have

1:03:00

just fucked him gorgeous man John Wayne

1:03:02

Casey I get it I get it

1:03:04

I get it Just get out of

1:03:06

here and be disgusting. Totally get it.

1:03:08

I mean, look at this kid, dude.

1:03:10

Jeffrey Dahmer, understood. Yeah, understood. Look it.

1:03:12

I mean, you know, he's just, he's

1:03:14

got those lips. Just give him a

1:03:16

little kiss. Um, yeah, I don't, uh,

1:03:18

yeah, I don't know. I just want

1:03:20

to, I just went to, I just

1:03:22

went to, uh, I just went to,

1:03:24

uh, I just went to Florence, I

1:03:27

just went to Florence, I just to

1:03:29

hang out, a little kiss. Yeah, yeah,

1:03:31

I don't know, I don't know, yeah,

1:03:33

I don't know, I don't know, I

1:03:35

don't know, I don't know, I don't

1:03:37

know, I don't know, I don't know,

1:03:39

I don't know, I don't know, I

1:03:41

don't know, I don't know, I don't

1:03:43

know, I don't know, I don't know,

1:03:45

I don't know, I don't know, I

1:03:47

don't know, I And the girls, yeah,

1:03:49

we took him that. How many times

1:03:51

have you been back and forth to

1:03:53

Italy? Oh, oh, I had one month

1:03:55

where it was three. I had one

1:03:57

month where I went to Italy three

1:03:59

times. From back, from the United States,

1:04:01

Italy, to Italy, back and forth three

1:04:03

times. For the show. For, for, most

1:04:05

states, for work. I've been to Italy

1:04:07

probably 12 times. and you always go

1:04:09

to Florence. Every time all you gotta

1:04:11

go, Florence, Rome, and Venice are the

1:04:13

places to go. Right, I've also been

1:04:15

down to Barry, down to the very

1:04:17

bottom, been over to Greece that through

1:04:19

there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy,

1:04:21

what's crazy, I'm like, I, so I

1:04:23

only, when I travel, I obsess about

1:04:25

the history of that place. Sure. And

1:04:27

I get really into the history of

1:04:29

that place, and I wanna know things

1:04:31

about that place. Right. Right. Mussolini's

1:04:34

a lot like Nero. So Nero apparently wasn't,

1:04:36

he wasn't that bad of an emperor. Like

1:04:38

he was, he was, he was, he just

1:04:40

got a bad rap because the three dudes

1:04:43

after him kept fucking up. And so the

1:04:45

guy that came three dudes after Nero was

1:04:47

like, yo, in order for myself to look

1:04:49

good, I gotta make your ex-boyfriend look bad.

1:04:52

Yeah. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when

1:04:54

Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the

1:04:56

fiddle yet. The Philadelphia man around, so that's

1:04:59

not a real story. They did the same

1:05:01

thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented

1:05:03

fascism. Like he invented it. His only shortcoming

1:05:05

was like, he thought he was gonna be

1:05:08

best friends of Hitler, he thought he's gonna

1:05:10

be best friends of Stalin. And so when

1:05:12

they killed him, they were like, yo, let's

1:05:15

trash his memory. and so they trashed his

1:05:17

memory and they made all these big gestures

1:05:19

that went over a nation foolish gestures right

1:05:21

look at him like yeah yeah so I

1:05:24

was obsessed with Mussolini it's interesting yes he

1:05:26

Mussolini is a guy I don't know a

1:05:28

lot about I mean they they they hung

1:05:31

his body upside down with piano wire and

1:05:33

his mistress next to her and her dress

1:05:35

went over her head and then the women

1:05:37

came in and talked her dress to respect

1:05:40

her dress to respect her respect his wife

1:05:42

lived his wife lived his mistress got murdered

1:05:44

got murdered that's what happens don't I think

1:05:47

I that's very fascinating yet because when I

1:05:49

went to Florence it's it's a it's a

1:05:51

it's a culture I didn't know much about

1:05:53

I mean for real I was the last

1:05:56

name like this stuff no yeah but I

1:05:58

told you I'm mostly German so I don't

1:06:00

know but your dad's your dad's straight up

1:06:03

no he is no and he told me

1:06:05

that his mom was half German But he's

1:06:07

culturally Italian. He's culturally Italian, yeah, but I'm

1:06:09

just full of Axis blood. I'm all about

1:06:12

the Axis powers, dude. And I have a

1:06:14

Japanese penis. And so, and so, but I

1:06:16

loved it because, and I couldn't, I was

1:06:18

so amazed by the statues and I mean,

1:06:21

everyone was just, you know, obviously the flaccid

1:06:23

penis and the balls. And I was just

1:06:25

like, this is amazing. And then every statue

1:06:28

I noticed was, you know, men. And then

1:06:30

if there was a woman, almost exclusively statue

1:06:32

of woman she's being in the statue. And

1:06:34

I'm just like, what is the fucking, what

1:06:37

is going on with this? And nobody could

1:06:39

explain, but I was like, every statue I

1:06:41

see in the square, it's like a woman

1:06:44

being like hurt and just a flaccid cock

1:06:46

above her. Do you think Michelangelo after he

1:06:48

was done sculpting David? Because you've seen it.

1:06:50

17 foot tall? I've seen David five times.

1:06:53

So that's statue 17 feet tall. He'd have

1:06:55

to take three months just on the cock.

1:06:57

I think that David was supposed to stand

1:07:00

on top of the domo. Yes, that's what

1:07:02

it was. And so he made it proportionally

1:07:04

so that when you looked at it, it

1:07:06

looked proportional from the height of what you

1:07:09

saw it from. Yes, and everyone talks about

1:07:11

the front of David, but you know you've

1:07:13

been there. What an ass! If that would

1:07:16

have had a tattoo of a butterfly in

1:07:18

one of the ass cheeks, I would have

1:07:20

fucked it in the ufitsi. Oh. So you

1:07:22

just went to Florence? I just went to

1:07:25

Florence. I literally went to Florence for three

1:07:27

days and came right home. Oh there, this

1:07:29

is my friend Don DePetta. Do you know

1:07:31

Don? Of course I do. Yeah, that's Don.

1:07:34

He's got a fresh haircut. Look at good.

1:07:36

He's looking good. You look totally different. He

1:07:38

lost a little weight. Yeah, he fucking mustache

1:07:41

looks tight. That's it dude. The, um, so

1:07:43

you just went to Florence? I just went

1:07:45

to Florida. We literally, here's the mistake we

1:07:47

made and here's a little PSA. I'm sure

1:07:50

you know this, you travel so much. We

1:07:52

left New York at 4.30 p.m. on the

1:07:54

flight and we flew to Paris and then

1:07:57

transferred to Florence. Do not take the 4.30

1:07:59

p.m. flight when you're going to Europe. six

1:08:01

o'clock in the morning or five o'clock in

1:08:03

the morning and the jet lag I've never

1:08:06

experienced it like that in my life that

1:08:08

it almost like ruined our trip because we

1:08:10

couldn't we were missing dinner reservations we were

1:08:13

missing you know museum reservations you got it

1:08:15

the move is either just sacrifice a day

1:08:17

and leave at eight o'clock in the morning

1:08:19

and fly the whole day so your body's

1:08:22

in regulation or take the 1030 p.m flight

1:08:24

and get there at noon so at least

1:08:26

you sleep Yeah. Or fly private like Burt.

1:08:29

No, I don't fly private. I've flown private

1:08:31

to Europe. Yes, yes, dude. You've taken the

1:08:33

fucking bus to Europe. I've taken, no, when

1:08:35

we tour Europe, we have a double-decker bus.

1:08:38

Nice. Fucking next level. We just went to

1:08:40

Paris. We just went to Paris. Me and

1:08:42

Leon. She'd never been to Paris. And next

1:08:44

week, growing in Spain. Well, see, this is

1:08:47

a beautiful. This one I went to bring

1:08:49

up. Our kids are gone. Our kids are

1:08:51

gone. Our kids are gone. You have a

1:08:54

beautiful part, you're at a beautiful part of

1:08:56

your life from the outside looking in right

1:08:58

now. It's because now if you wanted to,

1:09:00

you can live this beautiful life which you're

1:09:03

living, touring, all that. bring your wife, which

1:09:05

you know, because she doesn't have to stay

1:09:07

home now with the kids or she could

1:09:10

come because you said the kids are out

1:09:12

of the house. So they either A, don't

1:09:14

want to be around you anyway because they

1:09:16

want to hang out with their friends or

1:09:19

B, if they do want to come, they

1:09:21

can come. They're adults. So that's what I

1:09:23

hopefully I'm coming out with their friends or

1:09:26

B, if they do want to come, they

1:09:28

can come. Yeah. They're adults. So that's what

1:09:30

I hopefully. Remember back to like when you

1:09:32

were 40, when you were 40, how old

1:09:35

were your children? They were probably eight and

1:09:37

six. Right, so similar to my little kids.

1:09:39

You probably had more of a, you, and

1:09:42

you weren't, you weren't at this, you weren't

1:09:44

at the level yet, you weren't at the

1:09:46

level yet. No, I wasn't at the level

1:09:48

yet. No, I wasn't, you weren't at the

1:09:51

level yet. No, I wasn't, you weren't at

1:09:53

the level yet. No, I wasn't at, you

1:09:55

weren't at the level, you weren't at the

1:09:57

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:00

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:02

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:04

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:07

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:09

level, you weren't at, you weren't at the

1:10:11

level, you weren't at the level, you weren't

1:10:13

at, you weren't at the level, you weren

1:10:16

came before me as great height says you

1:10:18

had they always say I missed I missed

1:10:20

that part but you now I think are

1:10:23

at the perfect part because how about your

1:10:25

family can experience this with you how about

1:10:27

this though this is the this is the

1:10:29

thing I'll say is stand up today is

1:10:32

not what stand up was 12 years ago

1:10:34

what do you mean that we all did

1:10:36

clubs like no one did clubs like no

1:10:39

one did did Madison Square Garden 12 years

1:10:41

ago? Right. No one did. Let's hear the

1:10:43

Nazis. Joe Rogan 12 years ago, I'm not

1:10:45

even joking, 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was

1:10:48

doing... The Wilbur was like a big deal.

1:10:50

Sure. I mean, Joe, and I apologize, Joe,

1:10:52

if I'm miss speaking. But I mean, I

1:10:55

just remember that like no one was doing

1:10:57

theaters, no one was doing arenas, and now

1:10:59

we're all, I mean, like there's a handful

1:11:01

of us doing arenas. Sure. I mean, a

1:11:04

handful, a lot of comics do arenas. Right.

1:11:06

And that just didn't exist. So what do

1:11:08

you think about, so how, what do you

1:11:10

say? Like if you like it was like

1:11:13

every comic every comic did club so every

1:11:15

comic did club so you didn't have like

1:11:17

if you don't offer to club you to

1:11:20

take it right so like if you want

1:11:22

to continue to be a comic for me

1:11:24

then that one week off I had to

1:11:26

go to stand up because those those offers

1:11:29

were hard to come by yeah like every

1:11:31

fucking comic I mean it's so hard for

1:11:33

people to wrap their heads around but like

1:11:36

There wasn't the opportunities around there. Like right

1:11:38

now when I hear you go, I only

1:11:40

do two weeks a month, I go, that

1:11:42

would be fucking incredible. But if I'd only

1:11:45

done two weeks a month back then, I

1:11:47

would have never got to where I am

1:11:49

today. And I can tell you the comics

1:11:52

who did two weeks a month and they

1:11:54

don't do comedy anymore. Right, because it just

1:11:56

wasn't, because you were, they weren't working, they

1:11:58

weren't putting in as many hours. You had

1:12:01

to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was

1:12:03

like a lot more of a hustle back

1:12:05

then. Right. Then it is now, because the

1:12:08

internet. Like I remember, Ali Wong saying, you

1:12:10

know, you can take it, you're off. That

1:12:12

is like, I mean, yeah. I remember. I'm

1:12:14

hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed

1:12:17

to. What are you talking about? You gotta

1:12:19

keep your foot on the gas pedal. And

1:12:21

it was, this is the first time I've

1:12:23

ever taken off in 25 years into a

1:12:26

stand-up. I took off starting in July till

1:12:28

now, and I'm not even sure if I'm

1:12:30

going back out on tour in the fall.

1:12:33

But I've never taken it off. Why, because

1:12:35

you're liking the feeling of being off? No.

1:12:37

because you're doing other shit. I don't want

1:12:39

to reset my comedy. I want to reset

1:12:42

everything. I want to start from scratch, but

1:12:44

really start from scratch and not have a

1:12:46

bunch of material that didn't go in that

1:12:49

special, be the beginning of the next special.

1:12:51

You ever think like maybe with the reset

1:12:53

instead of taking the shirt if you take

1:12:55

the pants off? You'll win any the poit?

1:12:58

I wish. I wish. I'm going to be

1:13:00

litigious with if this comes out wrong. Okay.

1:13:02

There's a... There's a couple comics that don't

1:13:05

wear shirts on stage now. It's like a

1:13:07

good thing. And a friend of mine texted

1:13:09

it to me, a friend of ours, texted

1:13:11

it to me, and said, this is insane.

1:13:14

Like, you're the first person to ever take

1:13:16

your shirt off. And now these people are

1:13:18

taking their shirt off. Like, but I didn't

1:13:21

read his text. I saw a dude with

1:13:23

his shirt off. And I clicked it. And

1:13:25

I go, what the fuck is this guy

1:13:27

doing? Yeah. See me shirtless go, what the

1:13:30

fuck is this guy? Because I just did

1:13:32

it. I just did it! I just did

1:13:34

it! I was like, this fucking fool with

1:13:36

this fucking shirt off. Yeah. And I was

1:13:39

like, oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God,

1:13:41

like what? Yeah. And then I was like,

1:13:43

wait, is there a world where I start

1:13:46

wearing a shirt on stage? Yeah. But here's

1:13:48

a deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. I

1:13:50

don't know. Well, the thing is, you wouldn't

1:13:52

make it, you wouldn't make it to the

1:13:55

level you made it if you were inauthentic.

1:13:57

So that's a thing, it's all authenticity. My

1:13:59

authenticity was so direct and honest that, I

1:14:02

mean, I made a choice to be shortless

1:14:04

on my Showtime special. Right. There's a Showtime

1:14:06

special. And they said, you're giving them a

1:14:08

reason to change a channel. Right. She said,

1:14:11

legit, can we do one with your shirt

1:14:13

on and one with your shirt off? I

1:14:15

said, no, you can't cut in between. And

1:14:18

they go, well, I think this is a

1:14:20

big mistake. And it was. It was the

1:14:22

lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone

1:14:24

changed channel. The second my shirt came off.

1:14:27

They said, the ratings dropped. That everyone turned

1:14:29

it off. No one thought this was a

1:14:31

good idea. But then with the internet, it

1:14:34

was like, you need a reason to go,

1:14:36

what is that. That one reason were so

1:14:38

was those clips from that showtime special that

1:14:40

blew everything up those clips from those I

1:14:43

put four clips the machine story fighting a

1:14:45

bear jumping out of a plane with Rachel

1:14:47

Ray and my taking my daughter to first

1:14:49

grade John Henry story and I put four

1:14:52

clips up and I remember the machine the

1:14:54

first night got like three million views yeah

1:14:56

and every single one of them was like

1:14:59

two million one million seven hundred fifty thousand

1:15:01

like everyone was skyrocketing and then the machine

1:15:03

got to like fucking 10 million, 12 million,

1:15:05

20 million, 30 million, that's like 50 million

1:15:08

right now. But I remember, that's when Showtime

1:15:10

was like, you got to take it all

1:15:12

off. Why? Why would they want to take

1:15:15

it off? It was doing, because they weren't

1:15:17

benefiting from it. Because you had it on

1:15:19

your birdcrisis page. Yeah. And they were going

1:15:21

to sue me for like, for the price

1:15:24

of the special. And the way, but it.

1:15:26

I was like, I'll give you that money

1:15:28

because I need this business. Yeah, because your

1:15:31

ticket sales. I'm telling sales. So you want,

1:15:33

that was the first time ever you start,

1:15:35

so you only started selling tickets, so when

1:15:37

was that 10? 2000, does someone have a

1:15:40

date? 2016, December 27th, I was set up

1:15:42

to do the Wilber, January 2017, and I

1:15:44

hadn't sold 200, and we were panicking. And

1:15:47

promos weren't a thing yet. Like I, no

1:15:49

one was doing promos. And the machine story

1:15:51

went viral. And I remember my agent goes,

1:15:53

we cleaned up the Wilbur. And he's like,

1:15:56

by the way, you're sold out at Portland

1:15:58

Helium, Portland, Buffalo, Helium, and New Jersey. and

1:16:00

I was like, no, that's crazy. And because

1:16:02

you had went 10 plus years of never

1:16:05

selling out any shows. Not selling.

1:16:07

Like you wouldn't come close. Buddy,

1:16:09

I would, they would have to give money back

1:16:11

to the club. Yeah, a couple times.

1:16:13

No, a couple times. Yeah, if

1:16:15

you wanted to work there again,

1:16:17

and they got a fucking upside-down

1:16:20

deal You're like, yeah, let's figure

1:16:22

this out. But you ever think

1:16:24

about that like how many years

1:16:26

like think about yourself in the

1:16:28

middle of those 10 12 years

1:16:30

of not selling anything? There must

1:16:32

have been times You'd be like

1:16:34

I'm not selling anything. There must

1:16:37

have been times you like I'm

1:16:39

just not good maybe I'm just

1:16:41

would show up. So I'd kill

1:16:43

to 75 people but it's also you know

1:16:45

it was the road and the road there

1:16:47

were no rules to the road and it

1:16:49

was like yeah I definitely was like maybe

1:16:51

this isn't gonna work out and then

1:16:53

it would work out for Tom and

1:16:55

I was like fuck man and then

1:16:57

I was like getting older and I'd

1:16:59

watch like Dudes show up with like,

1:17:01

I remember Krista Lee, I had like

1:17:03

space pants on and like a brand

1:17:05

new Audi in the hottest check I

1:17:07

ever seen in my life and I

1:17:09

was like, I was sitting off the

1:17:11

side going in jeans with dad shoes,

1:17:13

I plan her fashion, I like this,

1:17:15

no shirt on, sandals and jeans. Yeah,

1:17:17

and I'm looking at going, I guess

1:17:19

it just didn't happen for me. And

1:17:21

then I'd be in the, because you

1:17:23

were already one, your mid 40. just a journeyman

1:17:25

comic just a really good comic who like maybe not maybe no one stayed

1:17:28

in the room to watch but maybe no one by your peers and all

1:17:30

that oh and friends with everyone yeah man's good set you know but like

1:17:32

no one was like hey guys Bert's on we like you know with the way

1:17:34

they do for like you know what the way they do for like yeah like

1:17:36

if Chappelle's in the room sure rogan goes up everyone goes come on let's go

1:17:38

look at rogan you know I wasn't gonna be that guy and I was like

1:17:40

cool and rogan had a conversation had a conversation with me in conversation with me

1:17:42

in a conversation with me in the conversation with me in the back with me

1:17:44

in the back with me in the back with me in the back with me

1:17:46

in the back with me in the back with me in the back with me

1:17:48

in the back with me in the back with me in the back of the comedy

1:17:50

store and he was like, hey man, you need

1:17:53

to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're

1:17:55

too funny, you need a Netflix special? And I'm

1:17:57

telling you, and I was like, Joe, that's, that's

1:17:59

like saying. Hey man, you need to fuck

1:18:01

a supermodel. I was like, how the fuck

1:18:03

do I do that? Yeah. He was like,

1:18:05

be undeniable. Yeah. I didn't know what that

1:18:08

meant. Yeah. I got fired from Travel Channel.

1:18:10

And because of that, I could do stand

1:18:12

up every single night. And I just did

1:18:14

it every single fucking night. I did it

1:18:16

every single fucking night. I did it every

1:18:18

single fucking weekend. And then one day, the

1:18:21

dude that I liked that it was like

1:18:23

really like the hot, hot, hot, hot, hot,

1:18:25

hot comic came up. He was like when

1:18:27

did it was like when did it was

1:18:29

like when did it was like when did

1:18:32

it was like when did it was like

1:18:34

when did you get funny? When did you

1:18:36

get funny? When did you get funny? When

1:18:38

did you get funny? When did you get

1:18:40

funny? When did you get funny? I've been

1:18:43

funny. That was the other thing is I

1:18:45

came kind of from out of nowhere. So

1:18:47

everyone was like, oh, he's a travel channel

1:18:49

guy. Right. But yeah, I didn't get success

1:18:51

until I was like 43. But that's good

1:18:53

because now you know what it feels like

1:18:56

to not have success or you hold on

1:18:58

to the success. You don't take it for

1:19:00

granted. Well, yeah. But I mean, that's why

1:19:02

like, I was like, I was like, fucking

1:19:04

foot to the pedal to the pedal to

1:19:07

the metal. Yeah. I mean we didn't get

1:19:09

paid for pot, I mean podcasting was like,

1:19:11

yeah, it was like we were early to

1:19:13

the game of podcasting, but like you guys

1:19:15

can go in and you guys are so

1:19:17

much. better at podcasting than us older dudes

1:19:20

I think. Yeah. I really think you guys,

1:19:22

like I watch you, I watch history, I

1:19:24

hang in this, I watch Stavi, I watch

1:19:26

Hey babe, back in the day, like everything,

1:19:28

you are so good on a podcast, that

1:19:31

I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should

1:19:33

just stop podcast. But then I should just

1:19:35

stop podcast. But then I do I do

1:19:37

just stop podcast. But then I do one

1:19:39

with you and I go, it's like the

1:19:42

opportunity other. podcasting and then we sell the

1:19:44

tickets or whatever so I'm like okay here's

1:19:46

the balance but when I'm home I'm in

1:19:48

New York I'm like I'm doing spots every

1:19:50

single night like I love I would never

1:19:52

stop comedy I love it but it's like

1:19:55

this dilemma of like okay now I look

1:19:57

at money as like now I look at

1:19:59

money as like okay now I look at

1:20:01

money as like I try to look at

1:20:03

money as like I try to look at

1:20:06

money as like I try to look at

1:20:08

money as like I look at money as

1:20:10

like you know I didn't make money for

1:20:12

like forever. So now that I can make

1:20:14

money, I need to, this is exactly what

1:20:17

I said, I need to get us a

1:20:19

big house, I need to get the girls

1:20:21

and I gotta pay for colleges, and I

1:20:23

was like, buddy, can you imagine being 43

1:20:25

and knowing that colleges, like four years away,

1:20:27

I mean, I can't remember exact ages or

1:20:30

whatever, but like remember thinking, colleges coming up

1:20:32

and I don't have money for it. Nor

1:20:34

do I have money for Christmas next year.

1:20:36

Nor do I have money for for I

1:20:38

don't know if I'm gonna have money for

1:20:41

a mortgage Nothing safe for the future. I

1:20:43

got nothing safe for the future. I remember

1:20:45

going and being in a car in St.

1:20:47

Louis at the Helium I'd done radio. I

1:20:49

was I drank on radio I was shirtless

1:20:51

in the car. I'm fucking 43 and the

1:20:54

manager looked at me and he goes, how

1:20:56

long can you do this for? And I

1:20:58

was like, oh, I don't know, am I

1:21:00

sad? I was like, wait, am I depressing

1:21:02

people? Like, oh, fuck. And then I was

1:21:05

like, oh, how long can I do this

1:21:07

for? By the way, hadn't sold any tickets

1:21:09

that weekend. Yeah, hadn't sold any fucking tickets

1:21:11

or anything. And got into a fight with

1:21:13

Doug Benson on stage, and I knew he

1:21:16

was posting it Monday morning for his fucking

1:21:18

Doug loves movies movies. Wow. Like a legitimate

1:21:20

fight. If you download this, and I'm sure

1:21:22

it's still out there, and you hit play,

1:21:24

you will never be more involved and committed

1:21:26

to a bit of content in your life.

1:21:29

It is a passionate. Heated fight on stage

1:21:31

in a sold-out comedy club where he is

1:21:33

screaming at me and I'm confused and I'm

1:21:35

drunk and I'm trying to give people cheese

1:21:37

burs And I leave the room and then

1:21:40

I walk back into the room. Yeah, and

1:21:42

it gets worse. Yeah, and then I I

1:21:44

humbly apologize and I get on stage by

1:21:46

the way people don't know who you are

1:21:48

yet. Right? No one knows what the fuck

1:21:51

I am And I was like, I was

1:21:53

like, motherfucked, but the one thing I got

1:21:55

on that weekend was Google Trends. He told

1:21:57

me Google Trends were and I realized I

1:21:59

started seeing spikes. I started googling why I

1:22:01

spiked. I was like, oh shit. I guess

1:22:04

Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that. I

1:22:06

was like, I usually did Rogan's, but I

1:22:08

knew I got followers, but I didn't know

1:22:10

that I would help my career. And then

1:22:12

I was like, wait, oh, and I'm like,

1:22:15

it would help my career. And then I

1:22:17

was like, wait, oh, and I'm a, I'm

1:22:19

like, I don't know like, I would help,

1:22:21

I would help my career. I would help

1:22:23

my career. I would help my career. I

1:22:26

would help my career. I would help my

1:22:28

career. I would help my career. I would

1:22:30

help my career. I would help my career.

1:22:32

I would help my career. I would help

1:22:34

my career. I would help my career. I

1:22:36

would help my career. I would help my

1:22:39

career. I would help my career. I would

1:22:41

help my career. I would help my career.

1:22:43

I would help my I am like, I

1:22:45

like, look back and I am so fucking

1:22:47

lucky that I took my shirt off. I

1:22:50

posted that machine clip and I met Joe

1:22:52

Rogan. Those are my three things. Three things.

1:22:54

Three things that happened had one of those

1:22:56

things not happened. I don't know if I'd

1:22:58

be where I am. Right. If the machine,

1:23:00

if I didn't post a machine, no, I'd

1:23:03

just be like, I'd just be like a

1:23:05

regular guy that did Rog Rogan. It's crazy

1:23:07

man. But now look dude, it's fucking awesome.

1:23:09

Now you got now, I feel like now

1:23:11

is the good, I mean, obviously it's been

1:23:14

great years, but now it's like, you know,

1:23:16

get the family, get it going, beautiful home.

1:23:18

Oh dude, it's amazing. I'm, I make good

1:23:20

money on the podcast, we make great money

1:23:22

on the podcast, we make great money on

1:23:25

the vodka, we're like doing, great money on

1:23:27

the vodka, we're like doing, we're like great

1:23:29

money, we're doing, we're doing it, we're doing

1:23:31

it, we're doing it, we're doing it, we're

1:23:33

doing it, we're doing it, we're doing it,

1:23:35

we're doing it, we're doing it, we're doing

1:23:38

it, we're doing it, we're doing it, we're

1:23:40

doing it, we're doing it, we're doing it,

1:23:42

we're, we're doing it, we're, we're, we're, we're,

1:23:44

we're, we're, we're, we're is getting the bus

1:23:46

in California and just go across the country

1:23:49

doing clubs. Clubs. And just do a big

1:23:51

loop for like two months. Yeah. No kids

1:23:53

at home. Just do two months of a

1:23:55

loop. Yeah. Have friends fly out and meet

1:23:57

up with you. Have them on the road

1:24:00

for two days. Amazing. Oh, we did that

1:24:02

right before my special. We went on the

1:24:04

road for a month straight. Right. Doing clubs

1:24:06

from LA. All the way down to Tampa.

1:24:08

Jesus. And no, no, no. Up to where

1:24:10

we started fully loaded. Toward all the way

1:24:13

through fully loaded. By the way, where's Tom?

1:24:15

Tom was supposed to be on. Where the

1:24:17

fuck is Tom? Sky just was supposed to

1:24:19

be on. Yeah. And then I get a

1:24:21

text at noon that he's not on. What

1:24:24

is Tom? What is he losing weight? No,

1:24:26

he's doing a hair thing consultation. Is he

1:24:28

doing a hair thing consultation? Is he doing

1:24:30

it? He's going a hair thing consultation. Is

1:24:32

he doing it? He's hair thing consultation to

1:24:34

see if he has enough hair to replace.

1:24:37

You think, does he have enough hair to

1:24:39

replace, does he have enough hair to replace?

1:24:41

Tom is insanely bald. Oh, like his no

1:24:43

hair. Tom's like chemo bald. Oh, yeah. Yeah,

1:24:45

like his his hair receded here, like it's

1:24:48

receding here. So they're just doing a consultation.

1:24:50

I think he didn't want to go to

1:24:52

Turkey. I think he didn't want to go

1:24:54

to Turkey. I think he may have to

1:24:56

go to Turkey to get it done because

1:24:59

everyone in LA is like you don't have

1:25:01

to go to Turkey to Turkey to get

1:25:03

it done. I'm going to need to bring

1:25:05

other people to know about it. Well now,

1:25:07

well okay. Well, sorry Tom. Let me tell

1:25:09

you how bad I was serious. But what

1:25:12

do you guys want to even know? He's

1:25:14

just going to show up one day back

1:25:16

on two bears with just hair? Let me,

1:25:18

no, he just, he'll just not talk about

1:25:20

it? He's like, let's look at this person

1:25:23

shooting on the thing. He was, he was

1:25:25

playing was like, when I started shaving my

1:25:27

hair, I had hair. People just think I'm

1:25:29

just growing it out. Right. I was like,

1:25:31

okay. Sure. You've been you've been bald for

1:25:34

20 years and now you're just growing it

1:25:36

out. Yeah. You gonna make a, was your

1:25:38

wife upset about the island of garbage? No,

1:25:40

she wasn't. Was there any Puerto Rico upset?

1:25:42

No. She got, honestly, look, I'm sure there

1:25:44

were. I'm of course there were. I can

1:25:47

only speak on my family. My family just

1:25:49

doesn't care like at all. Yeah. My, you

1:25:51

know, my mother-in-in-law had a had a had

1:25:53

a good point, I had a good point,

1:25:55

I thought. I thought. I thought. I thought.

1:25:58

She was like. She was like. She was

1:26:00

like. That to me that same thing she's

1:26:02

like I get the you know the problems

1:26:04

with her she knows Puerto Rico She was

1:26:06

like I get the joke. Maybe it wasn't

1:26:09

the best joke or the political rally I

1:26:11

get all that she's like but the media

1:26:13

making a big deal about that She's like

1:26:15

is the same is the same thing that

1:26:17

happened the first time when they made a

1:26:19

big deal about Trump saying grab her by

1:26:22

the pussy where she was like me as

1:26:24

a woman you think I haven't heard that

1:26:26

from a man you think that I don't

1:26:28

know that all that that men talk like

1:26:30

that all the time that's not a reason

1:26:33

I'm not going to vote That's not that

1:26:35

she was like that's not the read that

1:26:37

the reason that doesn't get me to vote

1:26:39

for Hillary now now you make me want

1:26:41

to vote for Trump more she said it

1:26:43

was very she had that same feeling about

1:26:46

you're gonna now I'm gonna let this white

1:26:48

motherfucker on CNN tell me what as a

1:26:50

Puerto Rican I should be offended by now

1:26:52

we go to Don E.T. Yeah so that

1:26:54

that's what it is basically what happened you

1:26:57

know you know what actually is fucking wild

1:26:59

to what so my Perception is reality, right?

1:27:01

Of course. Who cares about reality, reality? 100%

1:27:03

and hang on, can I give you a

1:27:05

gift? Yes. Apply that in your marriage. Okay.

1:27:08

When you guys get, don't forget perception is

1:27:10

reality. Great. When you get, Tommy Chong said

1:27:12

this to me, high as fuck. When you

1:27:14

get into a fight. you get to decide

1:27:16

if you're angry or not. You can also

1:27:18

decide to focus on all the great times

1:27:21

you had and ignore this one little thing

1:27:23

and look past it and go, I'm gonna

1:27:25

give, I'm gonna take all these experiences, I've

1:27:27

done that, and it fucking works. Keep going.

1:27:29

So, yeah, that's a good one. So, so

1:27:32

I feel like, you know, perception's reality that

1:27:34

our... When I was a kid, when I

1:27:36

was in my 20s, you had to be

1:27:38

like liberal. Like you had to be, like

1:27:40

if you, everybody was liberal, everybody voted for

1:27:43

Obama, everybody was like in the comedy world,

1:27:45

in the college world, whatever. Now it's like

1:27:47

reverse. Now it's like the kids, like my,

1:27:49

I have a nephew, he's 17, 18, and

1:27:51

he goes, I was like, oh, you know,

1:27:53

before the election, I was like, who you're

1:27:56

going to vote for? I don't know. I

1:27:58

was like, well, just vote, like, what do

1:28:00

you think? What do you think you're going

1:28:02

to do? I guess for you guys, you're

1:28:04

generating, because I didn't know, I was like,

1:28:07

you guys are going to go liberal, right?

1:28:09

Because I think he's in college. He's like,

1:28:11

no, dude, that's gay. Being a Democrat's gay.

1:28:13

And I was like, what? I was like,

1:28:15

what do you mean? He goes, isn't that

1:28:17

gay? Isn't that the gay? Isn't that the

1:28:20

gay? Democrats were gay and hated America and

1:28:22

Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved

1:28:24

America. And I was like... Yeah. And I

1:28:26

was like, wait, so why do you think

1:28:28

that? And he was like, and I was

1:28:31

like, I'm not judging you at all, dude.

1:28:33

I was like, I'm not judging you at

1:28:35

all, dude. I was like, what do you

1:28:37

think? And he was like, that's what I

1:28:39

think. I was like, then vote with that.

1:28:42

I was like, vote, vote, vote, you know,

1:28:44

for you, it's simple. You're fucking gay or

1:28:46

straight. You know, you fucking, you know, you

1:28:48

know, you're simple, you fucking, you're simple, you

1:28:50

fucking, you fucking, you fucking, you're, you're fucking,

1:28:52

you're fucking, you're, you're fucking, you're, you're fucking,

1:28:55

you're fucking, you're fucking, you're, you're, you're fucking,

1:28:57

you're fucking, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're,

1:28:59

you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, be

1:29:01

like, whoa, here's how I knew it was

1:29:03

shifting. Last year, okay, I did a show

1:29:06

on a fucking U.S.S.S. aircraft carrier, 5,000 people,

1:29:08

okay, on the U.S.S. aircraft in San Diego,

1:29:10

the government booked me, right? So I do

1:29:12

the show, and they tell me... Do not

1:29:14

do not even speak about President Biden. Do

1:29:17

not speak about President Biden. Do not obviously

1:29:19

disparage America. Don't even say anything about like

1:29:21

anti-america's enemies. Just do your comedy. I was

1:29:23

like, great. So I'm doing my comedy. The

1:29:25

microphone breaks. Okay? No Mike. 5,000 people outside

1:29:27

in San Diego on the water on a

1:29:30

fucking aircraft character. With these kids about to,

1:29:32

these are like the first wave of the

1:29:34

art. They'll go to war these kids. Yeah.

1:29:36

So I go, so I'm like, oh shit.

1:29:38

So it was a gas, it was a

1:29:41

gas powered generator that was powering the audio

1:29:43

system. So that. didn't have any gas in

1:29:45

it so my mic went out so I'm

1:29:47

trying to get through it and I can't

1:29:49

and there's five thousand people I'm trying to

1:29:52

scream whatever and then a person over there

1:29:54

who had told me ten times do not

1:29:56

say anything about you know America whatever but

1:29:58

I knew from knowing contracts I knew that

1:30:00

this was like that forced day majore thing

1:30:02

where it's like I'm gonna get paid no

1:30:05

matter what because your equipment broke yeah so

1:30:07

you now legally have to pay me and

1:30:09

I knew my agent's gonna get that fucking

1:30:11

money so I I said, I got to

1:30:13

just get this crowd back on my side.

1:30:16

I said, guys, I was like, and I

1:30:18

didn't tell them to do this, this just

1:30:20

happened organically. And I was like, oh shit.

1:30:22

I go, guys, I was like, fucking microphone

1:30:24

broke. And they were like, boo. I was

1:30:26

like, yeah. I was like, fucking microphone broke.

1:30:29

And they were like, boo. I was like,

1:30:31

yeah. I was like, yeah. I was like,

1:30:33

we're sending all the money to Ukraine. And

1:30:35

they were like. Fuck Joe Biden and I

1:30:37

was like, looking at, I was like, is

1:30:40

this bad? And then I was like, wait,

1:30:42

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I was like,

1:30:44

no, we can't say that. I was like,

1:30:46

my family's Puerto Rican. And I started doing

1:30:48

fucking Puerto Rican acts, trying to get it

1:30:51

back. No means, yes, no means. But they

1:30:53

started screaming, Fuck Joe Biden, and I was

1:30:55

like, wowsers. Wow, dude. And I was like,

1:30:57

oh shit. It's over. And I knew it

1:30:59

then. And at any time, like, you know,

1:31:01

I was very polite. And again, I'm not,

1:31:04

I'm, I really am very apolitical, I really

1:31:06

really am. But there's such a thing, there's

1:31:08

such like this bubble at least in New

1:31:10

York City and of course, LA, where like

1:31:12

even the comics when I was sitting at

1:31:15

the comedy song, and they were sitting at

1:31:17

the aircraft carrier with me, you would know

1:31:19

it's fucking absolutely. Fucking Yuka gives that a

1:31:21

zero out of a hundred. If I scan

1:31:23

that response, Yuka gives out a full zero.

1:31:26

They would say you'd rather eat fucking Quest

1:31:28

protein chips. Oh my god. Yeah. God damn

1:31:30

it. It's just like you gotta know. I

1:31:32

mean, the comedy clubs, the comedy clubs, we

1:31:34

really are the first wave. Like you know,

1:31:36

like, you know, like, you know. I knew

1:31:39

in 2016 when I was going through Ohio

1:31:41

and all this place, you see the Trump.

1:31:43

flags everywhere that he's gonna win. I didn't

1:31:45

see them in 2020, you know, okay, I

1:31:47

mean, we weren't really on the road, but

1:31:50

I didn't hear many people talking about, so

1:31:52

I was like, he might lose. 2024, going

1:31:54

back, you know, you do fucking go bananas

1:31:56

or whatever, it's like Trump everywhere, you know

1:31:58

he's gonna win. 2016. I was in Ohio,

1:32:00

we were getting ready to do the end of

1:32:03

the world podcast, me, Burr, Stan

1:32:05

Hope and Rogan at the store. And I'm

1:32:07

in Ohio that weekend before, we're doing it

1:32:09

like Tuesday, the election. And I had a

1:32:11

joke, you know, you always, for anyone listening,

1:32:14

I hope you understand this, but the fun

1:32:16

thing to do in comedy is say the

1:32:18

thing you think they're gonna hate and then

1:32:20

win them over with the joke. And I

1:32:23

said, and I said, and I. Thought this way

1:32:25

I was I was like I'm voting for Trump and

1:32:27

the place went fucking bananas Yeah, you thought it was

1:32:29

gonna go the other way I was like I guess

1:32:31

I don't need to say the other part of the

1:32:33

joke Yeah, yeah, I don't think they're gonna like

1:32:35

that. Yeah, dude. I did a gig for the

1:32:38

MLB right like the Major League Baseball was like

1:32:40

a closed event like only the baseball players like

1:32:42

active place what plays some Hall of Famers were

1:32:44

in there Trump had elected on elected on Tuesday

1:32:46

this gig was like Thursday like Thursday, right 500

1:32:48

people in a room and I said, I said,

1:32:50

here's the thing. I said, folks, you know, again,

1:32:52

they told me don't say anything political, be squeaky

1:32:54

clean, but it's like, okay, I'm gonna, I need

1:32:56

to be funny here, so whatever. So I said

1:32:58

to them, not knowing where it's gonna go, but

1:33:00

I had ways to go, but I said, listen,

1:33:02

we're in a room to go, but I had ways

1:33:05

to go after it. I said, listen, listen, we're in a

1:33:07

room, we're in a room, we're in a room, we're

1:33:09

in a room, we're in a room, we're in a

1:33:11

room, we're in a room, we're in a room, we're

1:33:13

in a room, I had, I had, I had, I

1:33:15

had, I had, I had, I said, I had, I

1:33:17

had, I had, I had, I said, I had, I

1:33:19

had, I said, I had, I had, I had, I

1:33:21

had, I was like, there he was big by me?

1:33:23

He was like, oh, it's my boy! He got Dominicans

1:33:25

and millionaires. This place voted for Donnie T. And they

1:33:27

won fucking ape shit. And so it's one of those

1:33:29

things where it's like, it's not even about who, I

1:33:31

don't care, it's like, you just got to be in

1:33:34

reality a little bit. Yeah. Where it's like. Dude, you

1:33:36

can't tell, you can't be white telling

1:33:38

Puerto Rican people how to feel. I

1:33:40

know that. I'm with a Puerto Rican

1:33:42

woman. You've been trying it for fucking

1:33:44

five years. For ten years, dude, it

1:33:46

doesn't work. So it's like, that was

1:33:48

the first mistake when I was like,

1:33:50

shut up. Let Puerto Rican people say

1:33:52

something, but when you hear fucking wolf

1:33:54

blitz or everything like, this is outrageous.

1:33:56

You know, my family was like, shut

1:33:58

the fuck up, Whitey. So you to

1:34:00

Kimmel. I have to go to

1:34:02

couples therapy. I have to go thing, but

1:34:05

I Therapy. It's a love you too thing.

1:34:07

the fucking lips. I would I

1:34:09

would kiss you on the lips too.

1:34:11

I'm just you on the fucking lips. I would kiss you on

1:34:13

the lips. It's a great It's a great

1:34:15

episode you you coming September 11 11th. Make

1:34:17

sure to check his his Hulu It's

1:34:19

unfortunate. 21st Yes, Madison Madison

1:34:21

September 11. That's what

1:34:24

it is, baby. Fuck.

1:34:26

Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, dude

1:34:28

I got, to my girl.

1:34:30

It's January 6. I'm

1:34:32

doing to my girl Hell

1:34:34

yeah, dude America

1:34:37

America,

1:34:39

dude

1:34:41

I'm doing

1:34:44

comedy September

1:34:46

11th. Fuckin'

1:34:48

hell yeah

1:34:50

dude. America,

1:34:53

America, dude.

1:34:59

You