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using promo code CAVE at liquidiv.com. Alex,

30:26

you want canned cranberry sauce or should we

30:28

make it ourselves? That's my mom. She didn't

30:30

know about Instacart's family carts, so... What about

30:33

pecan pie this year? Yes or no? On

30:35

how many boxes of stuffing? So I told

30:37

her we could just share a family card

30:39

and add all her holiday favorites to the

30:41

same order without losing our voices or our

30:43

sanity. It's so much... Alex, can you get

30:45

my holiday village out of the attic? Baby

30:47

steps, Alex. Baby steps. Shop

30:49

Instacart this holiday season and enjoy free delivery

30:51

on your first three orders. Surface fees in

30:53

terms of pla- Alex? Why

30:56

doesn't it smell the trees and see the roses?

30:59

Yeah, what? You know, because there's tree huggers. There's not

31:01

tree smellers, right? Smell the roses is a phrase that

31:03

also is a way to find out if you have

31:05

COVID. I think so. Do you

31:07

remember those days when you smell the roses and you go, oh fuck,

31:10

I think I have COVID. How did

31:12

you know that you lost your smell or taste

31:14

during COVID? I never lost my smell or taste.

31:17

I did. How many times did you get COVID?

31:19

15. Seven. Yeah, I got a 15

31:21

times, four of them I was lying. I

31:23

just didn't want to eat my wife out, but I

31:25

said, I can't taste it. What am I supposed to

31:27

get out of this? And she was like, well, take

31:30

a test. And I go, why don't you mind your

31:32

fucking business? We fight a lot, but it's all... But

31:34

a fight, if it leads to something fun, is a

31:36

worthwhile argument. Yeah.

31:39

You know what I'm saying? Makeup sex

31:41

can sometimes be better than

31:43

just regular in the middle

31:46

of the day sex. I haven't had makeup

31:48

sex in a long time. Let me pitch

31:50

something to you. I'm ready. Get into a

31:52

fight about something mundane. Okay. Let's say your

31:54

wife wants to throw up a decorate. We

31:56

got Christmas coming up. I love it. She's

31:58

like, Hey, I found a fun wreath

32:00

on Amazon, it glows in

32:02

the dark and it also, it doesn't, you know,

32:04

it's got a, it's got a cool, it's got

32:06

some Vietnamese writing on it. So we're, you know,

32:09

we're not playing favorites, you know, and,

32:11

and it's fun. The kids will come by, they'll

32:13

see it. They go, these guys, you know, celebrate.

32:16

And then you go, all right, that's a cool idea.

32:18

You go, or, and then you rip it down and

32:20

go, or, and you rip it in half and go,

32:22

or we could just fucking do it my way, which

32:25

is just fucking, you know, you know,

32:27

fuck you, you know, that starts a fight. She

32:29

gets riled up and then you go, you know,

32:31

get in the car, we're going to the Beverly

32:33

center. You go down to the mall, you walk

32:35

around, you go pick out anything you want. I'm

32:37

going to buy it for you. She grabs a

32:39

Jamba juice. She grabs a ring from Kay Jewelers.

32:41

You go into lady footlocker, you get some Sue

32:43

bird jeans, right? And then you go downstairs

32:46

to the puppy area. You start fucking looking all

32:48

the dogs and you go, what if you were

32:50

one of these little fucking pups? And she's like,

32:52

what are you trying to prove to me right

32:54

now? And you go that life

32:56

is tough. Get back in the car.

32:58

Let's go fuck in the trunk. And

33:01

then by that time, you know, by that

33:03

time, everything's calmed down, but you've had amazing

33:05

sex because you're confused too many times. I

33:07

know where I am and what I'm doing.

33:09

You ever had just blackout sex where you

33:11

don't even know if you're inside the person.

33:16

No, no, no, I was sober, but yeah. The

33:18

first time I lost my virginity was anal because

33:20

I thought I go, I go, well,

33:22

this feels a little deeper than I was advertised.

33:25

You're not to say she was advertising how deep she

33:27

was, but she just kept bragging to the football team.

33:30

Like, you know, most of the guys could get in.

33:32

Why can't you feel, you know, for real, the first

33:34

time I lost my virginity, I, I

33:36

missed it. And my dick was between her butt cheek and the bed. Yep.

33:39

I think I, isn't that a Judy bloom book, the butt cheek in

33:41

the bed? It

33:44

should be. Oh, there God is me. Margaret, my dick

33:46

was between her butt cheek and the bed. I

33:50

was hoping you'd have another Judy bloom title.

33:52

Blubber. I knew I wanted to be. Judy

33:55

Blum, you want to be Judy Blum? Finish the

33:57

sentence. I didn't know what the books were about.

33:59

I knew that all the cool checks were reading

34:01

up. So I bought the Judy

34:03

Bloom books at the book fair and I

34:05

walked around with them. I didn't read, but

34:08

I just had like, read their cards, be

34:10

Margaret. And they were like, you read that?

34:12

I was like, it's really good. It's

34:14

about a girl getting her period. Oh,

34:17

you fucking pervert. I walked around

34:19

with Judy Bloom books all

34:22

through fucking fifth grade because I

34:24

wanted to look like I wanted the girls to

34:26

talk to me. That's

34:29

adorable. That's, so all the, what, all

34:34

the real stories were about like menstrual cycles? It's

34:36

everything about a little girl figuring out her life.

34:38

So like, what's, did you read them? You were like, how good

34:41

are these books? I never read one of them. I just had

34:43

like a quiver of them. Did they ever quiz you? Did any

34:45

of the girls you had to crush on say you down and

34:47

go, what'd you think about, you

34:49

know, Dental Damn Diane? They were so confused that

34:51

I had them. And they're like,

34:54

are you reading that? I was like, oh, I love it. It's

34:56

so good. She said, Judy Bloom was like my favorite. And

34:59

they're like, really? And I just had

35:01

no fucking idea. And then my mom

35:03

saw them and goes, what are you reading? So I'm not

35:05

reading it. I just carry it. And she was like, there

35:07

was one there, one called Blubber. I

35:10

think you're confusing it with Flubber, the Rob

35:12

Williams movie. No, Blubber. Blubber

35:14

was one. Are you there, God?

35:16

It's me, Margaret. What are the other, I had a

35:18

bunch of them. It's about a fat chick. About a fat

35:21

chick. I had tales of a fourth grade nothing. I

35:24

remember that. That's a great book. Freckle Juice.

35:26

Freckle Juice. Well, you can get that at

35:28

The Doctor. Super

35:31

Fudge. Super Fudge. Super Fudge. And

35:33

not to be confused with Superbad. Right.

35:36

I read the book. What else,

35:38

Judy Bloom? Is she still alive? Tiger

35:41

Eyes. She's 86 years old. It's

35:43

not the end of the world. That's when she started to take

35:45

a turn. She got dark towards the mid

35:48

70s. Yeah, they were

35:50

all about coming of age books for girls. Do they have coming

35:52

of age books for boys? What

35:54

if she just got real, just, she just went off the

35:56

deep end. She's like, enough of these young girl tales. What

35:58

if it was just like. like How to

36:01

Squirt by Judy Bloom. You

36:03

know what I'm saying? And you're like, is

36:05

this a tutorial? And she's like, no, it's

36:07

about the Holocaust. And you're like, Jesus Christ.

36:10

How about a more clever title that isn't

36:12

so disguising? That's a cool shirt, I Squirt.

36:14

I Squirt? Yeah, can we make that? Just I Squirt.

36:16

That's actually a great, can I tell you the first

36:19

time I saw someone squirt was

36:21

in my living room? Really? Yeah.

36:24

My son had some friends over and they had

36:26

some friends. We've all been a part of those

36:28

parties where somebody invites somebody and you go, I'm

36:30

a cool guy. My house is

36:32

open. Drinking the garage as long as you

36:34

sleep over. Yeah. But these

36:36

people that showed up, what? Drinking

36:39

the garage as long as you sleep over.

36:43

Another T-shirt? Love it. Okay.

36:46

Drinking the garage as long as you sleep

36:48

over. Yeah, you can go upstairs to shut

36:50

your fucking mouth. You know? So

36:53

I told my son, I said, make sure that

36:56

there's chips out. I want

36:58

your friends to be satisfied. And

37:01

then the next thing you know, I'll walk in

37:03

with a bowl of Tostitos lime chips. Shout out.

37:05

I just got what you said, drinking the garage

37:07

as long as you can sleep over. They're young.

37:09

Yeah. I

37:11

thought it was a grown man. Oh

37:14

no. Drinking the garage as long as

37:16

you sleep over. And it's just some

37:18

dude drinking in your garage until he

37:20

gets tired. He knocks on the door.

37:22

You're like, come on in. You

37:25

can sleep on the couch. As

37:27

long as you sleep over. That's

37:35

why I was laughing so hard at

37:37

that. Drinking the garage as long as

37:39

you sleep over. You're gonna

37:41

make my mustache fall off. I

37:45

need another drink please. I'll drink

37:47

in the garage. Yeah. You

37:49

imagine just drinking the garage until

37:52

you get sleepy. But I think,

37:54

look, waterbed futon couch. Your

37:57

preference of three. You're at a party. a

42:00

little bit of a boner, stand up, tried to

42:02

get out in a hurry, tripped, face down on

42:04

the boner, tried to do a pushup to save

42:06

myself, almost cracked my dick in half.

42:09

So got a little bit of a boner bruise and so

42:11

a couple of Advil tried to clean that up. Yeah, I

42:13

don't fuck that up. But I'm sorry, what was your story?

42:15

I don't know, here at Poxel My Dicks. There was something

42:17

about believing in Christ or something? Yeah, believing in Christ. I

42:20

forget how we got on it, but I was trying to. God

42:22

bless you. I'll take another two if that's all right.

42:24

I know you just went downstairs, but just

42:27

a second, yeah? Yeah. It's some good stuff.

42:29

I appreciate it. But

42:31

yeah, so I don't. You got, I love what

42:34

you're saying, which is death

42:38

is imminent, but it

42:40

doesn't have to be immediate. Yeah,

42:44

you don't have to focus on it the way I focus

42:46

on it. Yeah, I think, you

42:49

know, you make a list of things you wanna do, you

42:51

try to do as many as you can, but you also

42:53

wanna fill that list up so much so you go, why

42:56

am I not leaving space for

42:58

things just to be added

43:00

on at some later point in life, right?

43:03

Spontaneity, I'm big on that. I'll

43:05

go to McDonald's and I'll order a Big Mac, and

43:08

then while I'm in line, I'm like, fuck, maybe

43:10

I should get a fucking pie. Yeah.

43:15

Right? Mixing it up. Yeah, no, no, I. Maybe

43:18

I should go back in the car, get that flesh

43:20

light, and see if I can, you know, bargain, and

43:23

pay for this happy meal with my own

43:25

happy meal. Take

43:29

your time, sound it out. I like to go into McDonald's and give

43:31

him 200 bucks and go surprise me. Great.

43:35

I love it. And what do they do? They're

43:38

always like, huh? I go, just make it feel like 200

43:40

bucks. Do you say put this in the register or like

43:42

pocket this? No, they just go ham. We

43:44

did it one time, I did it with Ari

43:48

Shafir, Sean Patton, Mark Norman, Steve

43:51

Renizzese, and Ryan O'Neill,

43:53

and we went to a Del Taco, and they were

43:55

all talking about what they'd order, and we were all

43:57

fucking wasted. And I said, guys, let's make it easy.

44:00

Pulled up to the thing didn't even order. I just pulled

44:02

the thing I gave you got 200 bucks. I go surprise

44:04

us Razzle-dazzle baby res and

44:06

and this guy we ate Del Taco

44:08

for three days in Salt Lake City

44:11

What a dream God, that's the American

44:13

dream. I go. What's better? Don't

44:15

talk over Taco Bell Del Taco hands down I

44:18

had Taco Bell you were talk about dreaming. I

44:20

had Taco Bell In DC

44:22

not too long ago went to the Lincoln

44:24

Monument with my wife Robin and she goes

44:26

you want to take a picture? I go

44:28

no I get it you know and

44:30

I also have a dream to not shit my pants Public

44:33

because of that TV running through me Bert.

44:35

It's not real food, and I know people

44:37

love it It's

44:40

so good though. I mean look my problem

44:42

is when you're just fucked up enough anything

44:44

will do right Can I tell you what

44:46

we're talking about cells, and I've already thought

44:48

too much about this God bless you the

44:50

texture of their ground Beef is so fine

44:53

That you can't get the same texture of that

44:55

ground beef You have to put it in a

44:57

blender, and I've done it I've put it in

45:00

a talk about a blender no I put ground

45:02

beef with taco seasoning in a blender and got

45:04

it to the season This the texture of Taco

45:06

Bell's texture. Oh so fucking good. Would you mouth

45:09

is watering yeah from yeah? Well is your is

45:11

there something if you're on

45:13

the road right? Yeah, you're you have a night on

45:15

the town and you go I could have any food

45:17

right now Would you but you also

45:19

have like a private chef or your disposal you still

45:21

go fast food? No,

45:23

I haven't you don't haven't had Burger King in In

45:27

probably ten years cool. I used to play the clarinet welcome

45:29

back to who gives a shit Sorry

45:33

that came out real sorry it's election day. I'm sensitive.

45:35

I haven't had McDonald's in quite a

45:38

while I haven't had McDonald's probably this

45:40

is why your skin looks so good since I'm at

45:42

McDonald's since a pandemic Another Judy

45:45

bloom book. I haven't had McDonald's since a pandemic

45:50

I knew I had one more pop of me that was it We'll

45:52

wrap this up. I What

45:55

if I was just what if I said

45:57

a rotating joke catalog of Judy bloom play

45:59

on? words. Everyone's

46:02

like, this guy's a new Carlin. I

46:04

haven't had, uh, I

46:06

have had Taco Bell. I've had Taco Bell a lot.

46:08

I've had Taco Bell's my one cheat. I can't not

46:10

get it. Yeah. Well, they're also open 24

46:13

seven. I went to a 24

46:15

hour fitness once it closed at 11 PM. I

46:17

just about shot the place up. Wait, why did they close? How

46:19

20? Not. Yeah. Just,

46:21

uh, isn't Hollywood boulevards or things. I

46:23

think just a lot of the freaks

46:25

want to get home and you know,

46:27

put your thumb inside somebody. There's no

46:29

more powerful of a feeling than not

46:31

giving a fuck. Yeah. When I remember

46:33

going to a store and, and

46:35

I, it was a, it was an outdoor store, like

46:37

a outdoor shop. I loved going to those on the

46:39

road. Well, like a, like an REI type thing, but

46:42

it was a mom and pop shop. I thought you

46:44

were just meant like a store that was outside. I

46:46

was like, well, all stores are outside. You fucking idiot.

46:48

Yeah. And, uh, Oh, so a

46:50

big outdoors, like outdoors world. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

46:52

They got skis and. It

46:54

was like a more of a mom and pop shop and I needed to

46:56

get socks. And I love just going to

46:58

these places, but I needed to get socks and I,

47:00

and it closed at five and it was four 45

47:03

and I got up and the kid locked the door.

47:05

And I was like, as

47:07

I got there, I, he was locking the door and I went,

47:10

no, no, no, it's only four 45. And he

47:12

went like this. He goes, I don't care. And he

47:14

just walked away and I went, huh, it's the

47:16

most powerful fucking move I've ever seen in my

47:19

life. He doesn't give a fuck. It's not his

47:21

store. He doesn't have anything invested in this. I,

47:23

when I worked at Barnes and Noble, that kid

47:25

was Tobey Maguire. Fun

47:27

fact about Tobey Maguire. And I got five of them. He

47:30

used to work at an outdoors world first

47:32

day job. Yep. Give me more facts

47:34

about Tobey Maguire. Okay. Tobey Maguire Spiderman.

47:37

Wait, which one? Oh, wait, no. The original

47:39

afraid of spiders. The original one was like

47:41

the lisp. I got five. Yep. He's

47:43

got a lisp. I got five Tobey facts for you. Okay.

47:46

Uh, afraid of spiders worked at

47:48

outdoors world allergic to grilled cheese,

47:51

hates Jews and grew

47:53

up in a two parent household.

48:00

And he was giggling until he heard,

48:02

hate juice, and he was like, the

48:04

fuck, man? I said, hates juice. Oh,

48:07

juice. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's on you

48:09

for making, hey, that's tonight's Doritos, joke

48:11

of the night. Hates juice. No, hates

48:13

juice, yeah. There was

48:15

a girl, there was a girl, there

48:18

was a girl, God, I wish I remember the name of this

48:20

comic. I'm so sorry. Does this story get better? Yes. She

48:24

said, she said, we

48:26

were talking about getting a black eye. And

48:29

she goes, I had a black eye one time.

48:31

Black eye. Her boyfriend

48:33

goes, what did you say? Oh, shit. She goes, it

48:36

hurt so bad. I

48:38

said, really? She goes, it was

48:40

so black, it was almost purple.

48:42

Oh, boy. We were crying, laughing.

48:45

And he was like, hold on, hold on. She's like,

48:47

my dad was so pissed when I came home and

48:49

he saw it. And I was like, we were, I

48:51

was like, this is a bit, what was that guy's

48:53

fucking name? Yeah, that's a great story. Ryan Dalton.

48:56

Great guy. Ryan Dalton. Great comic.

48:59

His wife. His wife. Mazel.

49:02

Yeah, there's certain play on words like that that

49:04

people, they can get you into trouble. But

49:07

that's why I articulate, are you a big word guy?

49:09

When you tell your stories, you know what I mean? Like,

49:11

do you like to, you know, some people use big words

49:13

just to sound smart. I use the big words, but I

49:15

always use them wrong. Yeah. Like, I was

49:18

using salt of the earth as in like,

49:21

these people, they ride the subway, they're salt of the

49:23

earth. Someone's like, what

49:25

do you mean? You mean like bottom of the barrel. Yeah.

49:27

I didn't know salt of the earth was like the good

49:29

people. Yeah, salt of the earth, that's like, you know, this

49:32

guy donated his heart to his cat. He's

49:34

real salt of the earth. He's a fucking idiot.

49:36

Yeah, for sure, that was a bad example. But

49:39

yeah, like a good guy, you know, this guy helped that

49:41

old lady, you know, squirt for the first

49:43

time. She was wearing the shirt, time to back it up.

49:47

What was the story? Oh,

49:49

I had a friend one time. We had a friend one

49:52

time. And he was

49:54

trying to pick up a chick. And

49:56

there was this little girl, and they

49:58

were talking about her needing. a heart transplant.

50:00

Okay. And he leaned in and he

50:02

goes, that's why I'm an organ donor. So I can save a little

50:05

girl like that. I go, they're not going to give her a 50

50:07

year old's heart. It's fucking huge.

50:09

You're a grown obese man. Yeah, that's too much.

50:12

She's going to be walking around like this. That's

50:19

funny. You know you can donate your eyes.

50:21

What? Can you

50:23

donate your eyes? You can donate your eyes. Wait,

50:27

why don't they just don't? How do we not have

50:29

cured blindness then? I mean, I have a lot of

50:31

questions. First of all, would

50:33

you be picky

50:36

if you lost your eyes and your heart

50:38

and they go, we found a match, but

50:41

he's a. So

50:43

you'd have the heart of. Yeah,

50:46

I know you could have the heart of a line, but you

50:48

know, we're the, I wouldn't want it. You'd

50:51

say, you'd say no. I'd say no. You say,

50:53

let me die. Yeah. I

50:55

would. Because what if that, but how about this? What

50:57

if before he was a. He

51:00

donated a charity for like two

51:02

years straight. Okay. Now

51:04

we're back in. And his

51:06

eyes, they found from, you know, they arrested

51:09

him and did all sorts of tests and

51:11

scans come to find he's got x-ray vision.

51:13

And what if you have a pedophile's eyes and then you

51:16

start being attracted to kids? What

51:18

if it's the eyes? Yeah, I was in a cover band

51:20

called pedophile's eyes in high school. We

51:22

sang only a Peter Gabriel

51:24

covers. All

51:27

right. That sounded better in my head. Wait,

51:29

wait, hold on. You can donate your eyes

51:31

after you die to help others see or

51:34

to advance medical research. A corneal transplant. Yeah.

51:37

You can donate your fucking eyes. You can donate

51:39

anything. Nobody should be blind then. Nobody should be

51:41

blind. Everyone that dies should be donating their eyes.

51:43

And then what if, what if you, is it,

51:45

is it bad? Do you think it's white privilege?

51:47

If I, if I got, if

51:50

I took some donate, I donated, if I got

51:52

eyes, you know what I'm trying to say? I'm

51:55

just, if

51:57

you want me to be honest on this show, I'm going to tell

51:59

you the truth. Shout

56:00

out to Dana, by the way, but there's

56:03

a time and a place to celebrate your

56:05

friends. And I have this Netflix special coming

56:07

out. Oh, tell me about the Netflix special.

56:09

November 19th, Dr. Phil Live Netflix special, some

56:12

big surprises. Myself,

56:15

another Dr. Phil, real Phil arguably.

56:18

Really? A couple, I don't know how

56:20

to do this, but a couple, I was

56:22

curious about how to promote it without breaking the fourth

56:24

wall. Did the real Phil at one point go, you

56:26

know I used to do this without you? You

56:31

definitely came on at one point. I go, it's good to see you,

56:33

Phil. He goes, I go, I'm glad you're here.

56:35

He goes, I'm sure you are. He

56:37

goes, I'm sure this is exactly how you play in this

56:39

shit. He fucking ripped it up. It was a good

56:41

time. It was him, myself, Patton

56:44

Oswell, Jay Ferrell, Joe Gatto, and it's

56:46

on Netflix November 19th. Because

56:48

you know, we do the show at the Comedy

56:50

Store once a month. Now we're on a big

56:52

theater tour, right? Doing big theater, Chicago theater, celebrity

56:54

theater, Beacon theater on November 15th. We've

56:57

got sold out shows in March and February of

57:00

2025. I heard you're doing a

57:02

big show at the Super Bowl this year. I don't

57:04

think it's been announced yet, but I've heard rumors. There's

57:07

rumors that I'm going to, because I'm a big sports

57:09

guy, you know. I'll follow Travis Kelce on LinkedIn. Who

57:11

would you like to, if you could interview someone at

57:13

the Super Bowl, who would you want to interview? Rob

57:16

Grimkowski and Joe Montana. Because Joe Montana and I

57:18

are Eskimo brothers. Really? He doesn't

57:20

know that, but I'm about to blow his mind with a couple

57:22

of tweets. Rob

57:24

Grimkowski, you know, that might

57:27

be the sweetest guy

57:29

I've ever seen, but also fearless.

57:32

I did the roast of Big Poppy with Rob

57:34

Grimkowski in 2016. It was

57:37

Bill Burr, Anthony Mackie, Rob

57:39

Grimkowski, Dustin Pedroia, and

57:42

myself. And I

57:44

was there, I went there to watch.

57:47

Comedian Adam Ray was on the dais. I went

57:49

to watch as a plus one for,

57:52

who was it? My Pitbull. There's a guy, I'm

57:54

friends with a guy who's friends with Pitbull. Dan?

57:58

Anyway, he invited me. I

58:00

went and it was wild because Grinkowski's

58:03

up there. Josh wolf was there too

58:05

and Rob Grinkowski. I saw

58:07

him asking Adam Ray pre-show Hey,

58:09

I got this joke about titty fucking Josh

58:11

Wolf's wife after I shit on her chest

58:14

and I heard Adam say I

58:16

don't know how that's gonna go over but

58:18

trust your instincts And

58:20

Rob opened with it and it bombed

58:22

and everybody laughed Cuz

58:24

he and then he Rob gets up there and goes

58:27

So it's backstage fucking tooty fucking Josh Wolf's

58:29

girlfriend after I shit on a chest. Nobody

58:31

laughed then Rob goes Fuck

58:34

you guys. I thought it was funny Which

58:37

made everyone laugh even harder. He was

58:39

the funniest guy at the Tom Brady

58:41

roast because he would miss He

58:43

would miss read his thing. It would be even

58:45

funnier. Yeah, he is the fucking he is he's

58:47

he's likeable You want to be likable when you're

58:49

on stage? You don't want to be stupid, but

58:51

you want to be affable classically trained pianist Know

58:55

what? He's a big math math guy and well,

58:57

I don't believe that but he's a huge math

58:59

guy Okay, that's what Julian Edelman told me huge

59:01

math guy proficient in the

59:03

violin classically trained pianist You

59:06

know guilty until proven innocent. Can

59:09

you play any instruments guitar pan

59:11

flute harp bass clarinet alto sax

59:14

half a drum kit trumpet trombone

59:19

I Can

59:23

play the guitar kind of where are we in time

59:25

right now, but we're at we have we were right

59:27

that we're done Okay, well, let's do the teeny play

59:29

us all so I've got I wrote a

59:31

song for you. You were some for me. He

59:34

turned a 5248

59:36

and and I wrote a song

59:38

I just I've been taking guitar lessons with John

59:41

Mayer for about three days Okay, really I didn't

59:43

know anything until then thanks brother. You got a

59:45

pic for me as well Of

59:48

course. Oh, yeah right there God

59:50

bless you and John Mayer told me I

59:53

said hey what what's the best? You

59:56

know, it looks cool to put the strap on but when

59:58

you don't size it up, right you look like like you're

1:00:00

about to strangle yourself. What? You're

1:00:03

like you're wearing kids clothes. We'll

1:00:05

keep her out here. I'm gonna take my phone out,

1:00:08

that's what she said, and video tape, not

1:00:10

video tape, but I wanna get some lyrics

1:00:13

up here. I took a little

1:00:15

bit of time, John told me, he goes, hey,

1:00:17

you wanna act like you're having a good time.

1:00:19

John, you've seen John in concert. Every time he

1:00:21

sings, he's living it up. Move your strap. John

1:00:24

Mayer, I saw John Mayer, I gotta give him

1:00:26

a shout out. I saw him with Dead in

1:00:28

Company. Incredible, maybe the best show I've ever seen.

1:00:31

Maybe the best show. And I've seen Andy Lennox

1:00:33

live. And he really, he had a broken, this

1:00:37

finger was broken, and he played three

1:00:39

hours without

1:00:42

one finger and didn't miss a fucking beat.

1:00:44

He is amazing. He's incredible, he might be

1:00:46

the best guitar player I've

1:00:49

ever seen. I

1:00:51

would love to smell his fingers too, just to see what's going on

1:00:54

there. But that's a Judy

1:00:56

Blum book. Do you know what John

1:00:58

Mayer's fingers smell like? It's

1:01:00

me, Margaret. All right, so I

1:01:03

wrote a birthday song for you, okay? Never

1:01:06

played it live, didn't even rehearse it, just wrote

1:01:08

it, but here we go. Okay, do

1:01:10

you want? You

1:01:17

good? Can

1:01:20

you hear me still? Okay, great. You

1:01:24

know how every song has like an intro? Yeah, yeah. I'm

1:01:52

a liver for booze and a fun

1:01:55

as fuck game plan. Tampa

1:01:57

Bay, don't you say is where it

1:01:59

all goes. One

1:04:01

goes atop the swab, the other wears a shirt.

1:04:03

Tom tells stories and Bert's the

1:04:05

machine. There's not a chance in

1:04:07

hell that they'll keep it clean.

1:04:09

Here's what we call Two Bears

1:04:11

One Cave.