0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. is a

0:05

dear media Welcome

0:08

to the absolutely not podcast

0:10

where we do the most in

0:12

the least at this same

0:14

damn time. I'm your host podcast,

0:16

where we do the

0:18

most and the least

0:21

at the same and gentlemen

0:23

and welcome to another episode

0:25

of the absolutely not podcast welcome

0:27

to the new year Happy

0:30

New Year Year, I'm wearing my

0:32

I'm wearing my sunglasses in the studio

0:34

because you know, your girl's probably

0:36

actually not as hungover as I expected.

0:38

But not is a really special episode.

0:40

One, I want to do a

0:43

little recap of episode. One, I want to do

0:45

little recap I want to say

0:47

thank you for being here, for being

0:49

a part of my world, my

0:51

life. a part of my we

0:53

did a lot in 2024. a lot in

0:56

2024. Rapt the comeback. The

0:58

comeback tour. went to

1:00

Australia, met all all the, my

1:02

ausies, I I know, I met all

1:04

met all my little koalas,

1:06

got to hug a koala,

1:09

coola, cried at at the, the Brisbane Zoo.

1:11

I mean, you know, we've traveled, Zoo. mean, went

1:13

know, we've traveled, I'll stop

1:15

that. I went to New Zealand,

1:17

to I traveled, I went to

1:19

Italy, thing, did the damn thing.

1:21

Netflix as a at Netflix as a joke,

1:23

perform for the Dodgers, watch the

1:25

Dodgers then win the World Series. Series. Shout

1:28

out to my boy Freddie that I saw. that

1:30

I saw a bar in Atlanta recently, and he said, Heather,

1:32

I just want you to know. Heather, won

1:34

because of you and I said, know.

1:36

welcome because of you and I said, you're had

1:38

a wild year, a highs, lows, ups

1:40

and downs, but from the beginning. I

1:43

I have had you guys with me.

1:45

this is truly the best part of

1:47

my week is sitting down and working

1:49

through my emotional instability. and

1:51

marrying it with your emotional

1:54

instability through the hotline. hotline

1:56

as always, can call call in.

1:58

800-2-1-3 75. But this

2:00

truly is such a blessing in

2:02

my life that I get to

2:04

chit-chat with y'all. Hear your woes,

2:07

hear your worries, and I'm very

2:09

grateful. So thank you for being

2:11

a part of my life. I

2:13

figured this would be a perfect

2:16

way to segue a lot of

2:18

new listeners that we gathered over

2:20

the last year. I, I mean,

2:22

we hit a milestone of 300

2:24

shows. in December. And I was

2:27

going back and listening to some

2:29

old episodes because, you know, as

2:31

I've gotten new followers, I say,

2:33

Heather, what's your most iconic original

2:35

episode that would really draw us

2:38

in to your world? My 19th

2:40

episode was ovaries on an airplane.

2:42

And if you're new here, I

2:44

think that's the best place to

2:46

start. So I figured for a

2:49

little refresher for our OG listeners

2:51

and for everybody new. We need

2:53

to start off this year with

2:55

a reboot of ovaries on an

2:57

airplane. I'm gonna play the episode

3:00

here in a minute, and if

3:02

you've been here for a long

3:04

time, you're like, hey, I've heard

3:06

this one before. I'm giving this

3:09

to you as a gift. I

3:11

am giving this to you as

3:13

a way to stay motivated, because

3:15

when you hear how harrowing of

3:17

a incident, an accident, a medical

3:20

emergency that I went through. You

3:22

will say, hey, you can only

3:24

go up from here. I mean,

3:26

famous last words, I said that

3:28

at the beginning of 2020, I

3:31

got diarrhea from a Guy Fieri

3:33

restaurant in the Cancun Airport. And

3:35

I literally said, hey, you can

3:37

only go up from here. But

3:39

damn it, it really can only

3:42

go up from here. I hope

3:44

you are ready. I almost said,

3:46

are you ready to rock? So

3:48

cheesy. But I hope that you're

3:51

ready for everything that 2025 has

3:53

in store. It's it's up and

3:55

at it. You know what I

3:57

mean? Work. We're going to the

3:59

top, but to But to get to the top,

4:01

at some point, you gotta be at the bottom. be at the

4:03

rock bottom. my rock was when I

4:06

had an ovary. an ovary essentially

4:08

explode. on an on an airplane. on an

4:10

on an international flight. flight from York.

4:12

York to London. if So if you're new

4:14

here, welcome. You You can't be a

4:16

part of this community. unless you know

4:18

this story. this So please So back. back,

4:21

ice Ice your head, a take a IV and

4:23

get and get ready for one of the

4:25

best episodes ever. We're doing a little

4:27

reboot. a little reboot of... on an

4:29

airplane. an Thanks for being here. Happy

4:31

New Year. here. Happy new

4:33

Get it started! get

4:35

it started Let's start Let's

4:38

start from the beginning. so I'm in

4:40

England, I'm visiting my three friends from Atlanta,

4:42

Georgia. My two buddies, Hayden and and

4:44

my girlfriend, my Taylor. We're all friends from Atlanta. LA,

4:46

Taylor lives in live in Hayden and Jared live in

4:48

Atlanta. we're dear We're doing the most. I We're dear old

4:50

friends. I adore them. So this was a perfect

4:52

transition. I I was like, I'm gonna come to

4:54

England to a couple of days in London because

4:56

I haven't been here in a long time. And

4:59

then I'm going to Italy. Perfect, great. set up for

5:01

set up for success. up for Now. Now. In the

5:03

week prior, I've had this weird gut

5:05

feeling that something was going on. I

5:07

think it's because I'm so stressed. a

5:09

I had a panic attack on my

5:11

flight back up to New York on

5:13

Tuesday. I'm I'm really I'm not I'm not really

5:15

practicing self I I think with the

5:17

energy coming off the tour, I'm in

5:19

full entertainment mode. I'm in full, crank gotta

5:21

crank this out. We're hustling, we're doing

5:23

the most. Even my agent and manager

5:26

were like, were you've been treating your

5:28

career like you're a feral cat, trying

5:30

to climb out of like a shelter

5:32

right now, a shelter to take a breath and

5:34

just like, let us do our job.

5:36

But in my mind, because I've my mind,

5:38

everything, I'm just like, I'm just like,

5:40

you what I mean? I'm like I mean? I'm

5:42

like, like a rat, trying to to break out of

5:44

the subway. trying to to pop open that and

5:46

break through, which is probably a control issue,

5:48

but there's a lot of things going on. We're

5:50

about to start the second leg of the

5:52

tour. of I'm changing a couple of things up.

5:54

I'm writing new material. Like Like just focused on

5:56

getting through the end of the year. because I

5:59

want to perform I I to do. the best job possible. But

6:01

the problem is I don't know how to let

6:03

go of the rains and just take a breath

6:05

and go, all right, all right, we're in the

6:07

zone, we're doing it. So I had a little

6:09

bit of anxiety coming into this trip and I

6:12

don't really suffer from anxiety, but recently I have

6:14

where I'm just like when my plate is so

6:16

full, I don't know how to like delegate and

6:18

just take a step back. So it wasn't feeling

6:20

great on Tuesday, but it wasn't the physical pain

6:23

that I ended up going through on Thursday. I

6:25

was just like having really anxiety, and I felt

6:27

like, oh my God, like, you know when you

6:29

feel like somebody sitting on your chest? That's kind

6:31

of how the way I felt all day Tuesday

6:34

and Wednesday. But I was like, I'm fine. I'm

6:36

fine. Maybe just a little chest cold, we're good,

6:38

we're good. Here's a deal. Woke up Thursday morning,

6:40

totally fine. Woke up at 6 AM, woke up

6:42

at 6 AM, felt a 6 AM, felt a

6:45

little 6 AM, felt a little, felt a little,

6:47

felt a little, felt a little, felt a little

6:49

itchy. You know, unwell, hold on getting a sip

6:51

of water, that's the first lesson in self-care, hydrate

6:53

the fuck out of yourself. If you think you've

6:56

had too much water, you haven't had enough. You

6:58

know what I'm saying? Although I kind of have

7:00

a debate about water, side note, our ancestors couldn't

7:02

get to fresh water. That's why they drank wine.

7:04

So why am I required now to drink so

7:07

much water? You know, I believe in creation, but

7:09

I do believe that we've been. all the time.

7:11

We have talked about this on Instagram, we've talked

7:13

about this in stand-up, I'm the thirstiest bitch, I'm

7:15

so thirsty, I'm dehydrated, to the point where like

7:18

my skin is falling off because I'm so dry.

7:20

Why? Why am I not loobed up with the

7:22

Lord? Do you know what I mean? Why I

7:24

am loobed up internally with the spirit and the

7:26

presence of Christ, but I also feel like, why

7:29

do some people survive off black coffee and a

7:31

glass of Bozulele like my mother? It's a magnesium

7:33

deficiency anyways. I digress back to the story. So

7:35

Thursday I woke up really early was getting a

7:37

bunch of shit down was like power-throughing I was

7:40

decluttering my house I was packing I was like

7:42

feeling good at about 1 p.m. I went to

7:44

go get my eyelashes done and something kind of

7:46

hit me I started to get this weird pain

7:48

down the front my leg like literally

7:51

imagine the center ball of

7:53

your crotch like a shooting

7:55

pain down the front

7:57

of my leg my that

7:59

wrapped around in my back.

8:02

Now in the thing I've

8:04

had ovarian cyst I've had

8:06

I've had a lot of

8:08

problems recently. I got

8:10

off birth control like I

8:13

years ago and that's when

8:15

like to happen. and that's when want

8:17

to hear it. People are like, you shouldn't be on

8:19

birth control. I was on it for 12 years, didn't

8:21

have a are problem. I got off of it birth control. I

8:23

to unravel. 12 Do I think putting

8:25

hormones in your body is terrible? I Yes. have, Will

8:27

we all get some form of breast cancer? like

8:30

It's like one in four. I And I talk

8:32

about cancer openly because my dad dad cancer. So

8:34

I'm like, we're all I'm And I just say

8:36

that in a And way that's say that in a way

8:38

honestly, buckle up, Betty. buckle

8:40

know what I'm saying? I'm gonna be glass

8:42

half I'm but I quit using aluminum going

8:44

my deodorant. half full, because I quit to get into

8:46

my pores, so I'm doing all the necessary things. But

8:48

my sister started to get so bad I had to

8:50

get back on birth control. doing all to go on it,

8:53

went on it begrudgingly, but honestly I started to feel

8:55

better. things. Well, I I thought that it would

8:57

clear up my cysts. I said, at least I'll

8:59

do it for like a year and a

9:01

half. Then when I pop out of and a your

9:03

cysts are supposed to go away. So your the

9:05

pain that was happening to go Thursday, I I happening

9:07

just thought it was pain menstrual. I'm about to

9:09

start my period. like, oh, this is just it was

9:11

of that normal know, where you started to get

9:13

a little I'm in the back. You're like, I'm

9:15

not feeling that great, but it was weird. my

9:17

It was such a deep, deep. I'm talking

9:19

like, not in my colon. You It was such

9:22

a deep to a almost like twisting of my body.

9:24

I thought this is weird. I've I've had

9:26

sciatica before, which is where pariformis, like the nerve the

9:28

nerve or your piriformis muscle, it just just like

9:30

off circulation to your leg and your

9:32

leg goes numb. I was like, it's not

9:34

goes But I was kind of like pushing

9:36

through But I was And I will tell you

9:38

this, through I have learned more about myself.

9:40

I have learned more myself. I have learned to

9:42

my body, I'm a fucking warrior

9:44

a fucking warrior bitch. I would have been

9:46

right next to Caldrago in of

9:48

Thrones. I would have been

9:50

right next to next to Marie a ball at

9:52

a ball down down I'm not gonna

9:55

say that men are not as

9:57

strong as women, but what I experienced

9:59

on Thursday Thursday. brought me down to a

10:01

human humble level that I know if

10:03

Jeff was in the same position and

10:05

this was like something with his penis,

10:07

he would have just ripped his dick

10:09

off at one point and just like

10:11

thrown it out the window. You know

10:13

what I mean? He could not have

10:16

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10:20

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10:22

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10:30

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10:32

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13:14

so here so here we go. Thursday it's Thursday, my

13:16

my done and go to a nail appointment. I'm

13:18

just just some type of way. of way. I type my

13:20

girlfriend girlfriend Mary I'm like, where face time and I'm feel right.

13:22

And she's like, listen, Heather, literally I almost

13:24

blame Mary, but I don't. Because even if this

13:26

would have happened in the Mary, because still what

13:28

a if I almost Like, we're here, we're alive. even was

13:31

like, Mary, I don't feel that great. And

13:33

she my home don't change your flight. You can look

13:35

to change don't feel but won't you be pissed

13:37

if you spend thousands of dollars to change it?

13:39

And then you're still in the same position same

13:41

a couple of hours. it? like, a you're right. hours.

13:43

I I was starting. starting to feel pain where

13:45

I was getting a little cross was getting a Like Like

13:47

I couldn't really, Like I like I had blurry

13:49

vision. You know what I mean? I was seeing

13:52

I mean? I was seeing when I popped into Whole Foods

13:54

to get some power Whole Foods to was just looming

13:56

in the aisles. I was like, is that

13:58

Reba? aisles. Is Is that fancy? Is that fancy? or am

14:00

I just feeling some type of way? But then

14:02

I would literally just like pinch my skin and

14:04

be like, okay, you're fine, this is weird, this

14:07

is a weird menstrual, or like, and I thought

14:09

it might be a variant related, but I was

14:11

like, I'll be fine. So Jeff comes home from

14:13

working about five. I start feeling significantly worse. Yet

14:15

again, though, blurry vision, but I'm like, I'm a

14:18

bad bitch, I'm used to this, it's just gonna

14:20

come and go. Jeff goes down to the bodega

14:22

to get me Advil. He brings back a single

14:24

serving pack. There's two. I can't find my Xanax.

14:26

Of course, the one time you need Xanax. And

14:29

I don't like to take Xanax because I like

14:31

to be clear-minded, but I can't find it. So

14:33

I'm sweating. I'm panicking. My eyes are crossing. I

14:35

send Jeff down to the bodega to get me

14:38

Advil. He brings back a single serving-serving pack. He

14:40

comes back like he is fucking Winston Churchill, a

14:42

hero of the war with these two little things.

14:44

I looked at him and I said, if you

14:46

want me to marry you, if you want me

14:49

to ever get anywhere close to your grundle again,

14:51

go back downstairs to that bodega and bring me

14:53

back a full-sized serving of Adville. I mean, he

14:55

came up to the apartment beaming, beating his chest

14:57

like, I'm, I'm saving you honey. I said, what

15:00

is this? Cheap ass bullshit. Absolutely freaking not. Bring

15:02

me back. You send a man to do a

15:04

job and you gotta finish the job yourself. So

15:06

I scream in him, he comes back with a

15:09

full serving a bathill, I take two and I'm

15:11

like, all right, I'll be fine. I just need

15:13

a little relief. It's probably mensure related. I'm gonna

15:15

be fine. It's weird. It's really going down my

15:17

leg, but I'm fine. I get to the airport,

15:20

I'm kind of trucking through, adrenaline kicks in, we're

15:22

doing our thing, we're doing our thing. I'm sitting

15:24

in the Virgin Atlantic lounge, Delta Loyal, booked my

15:26

flight through Delta, but the flight was operated through

15:28

Virgin Atlantic, obviously we're flying to London, and I'm

15:31

sitting in this gorgeous lounge and I'm like, I

15:33

don't feel great, maybe it's a kidney stone. But

15:35

if it's a kid... Let me stone,

15:37

I I do know that

15:40

it has to pass

15:42

on its own. I'm like,

15:44

I'm still fine to

15:46

get on this flight. I'm

15:48

still fine to get

15:51

on this flight. I chug

15:53

two glasses of finding it

15:55

have a little vegetable I'm

15:57

I'm like, we're gonna be

15:59

fine. I get on

16:02

the flight. I'm sitting next

16:04

to this going guy named

16:06

I'm and he's talking like

16:08

this. He's from Brooklyn.

16:10

He's a white and he's tied

16:13

it up. He's a

16:15

photographer this like this guy named England

16:17

to do a shit bra.

16:19

this. do a shit. He's

16:22

He's a white to God, first

16:24

thing out of his

16:26

mouth is, Feel feel good, an

16:28

outable. Let's buckle up, baby. And I'm like,

16:30

up right now, me up for now. I'm not ready

16:32

for this. fine. But I'm like, the he'll sleep,

16:35

we'll be fine. Now, this is the first

16:37

lesson I learned. upgraded to a pod. I was in not

16:39

been a cheat which is should have upgraded to

16:41

a still a $2,000 I was in economy, which is

16:43

essentially business class, You know still a $2 ,000

16:45

ticket, the but I was the first row right

16:47

next to the door, I could see all

16:49

the pods. like, You know what I mean? like,

16:52

was like the first like, like, from like, like, I'm

16:54

like, I can see. like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

16:56

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, which is is being in a

16:58

first class ticket. The first class tickets were

17:00

6 ,000. Like, you know what? I'm not gonna

17:02

do that. Taking what, I'm to gonna of a little

17:04

bit of a tease, if you will. It's only

17:06

a six of five minute flight. of So you

17:08

can't really get a full night's rest. six-hour, even

17:10

if you were to take an ambient and

17:12

be really someone is dragging you onto the

17:14

airplane you were they buckled you into your pod,

17:16

you're not getting a full six hours of

17:18

sleep. So you into you're gonna show up to

17:20

England. getting a full six the of we even doing here?

17:23

So was like, whatever, I cheaped out, I

17:25

got the premium economy, I can see

17:27

the I can see the little did I know about

17:29

I hour half later, and be in a

17:31

makeshift pod a the pod that the Virgin staff

17:33

made for me in a me in

17:35

a next to two emergency to

17:37

seats and the porta seats and the porta

17:39

right, so here we are.

17:42

We take off, I start this

17:44

warming this lava, Like ball of of deep

17:46

that is so deep inside my lower

17:48

back. It's not muscular. my When I

17:50

say it's inside my womb, that

17:53

is the only way to describe it.

17:55

It starts reaching around my back. it's

17:57

almost like it's I want Like I want you to imagine. you

18:00

just put an ace bandage around the back right

18:02

side all the way around to your front like

18:04

right in front of your fupa you know what

18:06

I'm saying and it just starts to satiate it's

18:09

sending it like a shoot of pain down the

18:11

front of my leg like satiating just like throbbing

18:13

into my groin you know when you can feel

18:15

your heartbeat somewhere and it's constant it's just radiating

18:17

I'm like oh fuck this is starting to get

18:20

crazy So I start standing up and then I'm

18:22

like, it hits me. It hits me so hard.

18:24

When I say I have a high pain tolerance,

18:26

I've lost the tip of my finger before, they've

18:29

put it back on, I've fallen down a flight

18:31

of stairs, I've had periods from hell, I mean,

18:33

I've been through some shit, I'm actually having like,

18:35

I'm sweating in this hotel room right now, I

18:37

have PTSD, from what I actually felt. Oh my

18:40

God, I can't control this. I stand up, I

18:42

start walking through the galley, and I'm just kind

18:44

of panicking. I'm like, this is happening. So my

18:46

first gut reaction is, it's got to be my

18:48

appendix, because even when I've had Novary Insist, I've

18:51

had a smaller one rupture before, it's excruciating, but

18:53

it's in a way that like, it wasn't like

18:55

this. It was not like this specific pain because

18:57

it would hurt and then we'd go away. This

19:00

was constant. It's like I couldn't catch my breath.

19:02

If I even took a breath in, I could

19:04

feel it just getting even deeper. So I finally

19:06

were like an hour into the flight and I'm

19:08

like, I got to say something. And I'm like,

19:11

Heather, listen to your gut. Now, mind you, I

19:13

texted my mom before he took off. Something's feeling

19:15

a little weird. She said, get off the flight,

19:17

don't do this. I should have. who worked for

19:19

the airlines my entire family were for the airlines

19:22

my mom's like heather you know if you're in

19:24

a cross mid-Atlantic flight there's nothing that they can

19:26

turn around so finally I look at a stewardess

19:28

I still call them stewardess and I'm sorry all

19:31

right you know what I know you're a flight

19:33

attendant but I like saying stewardess I think it's

19:35

like a sweeter word I look at the helper

19:37

the flight attendant I say hi ma'am and she's

19:39

this beautiful British British girl who has has

19:42

like the most beat face

19:44

of makeup you've ever

19:46

seen. I'm telling you, she

19:48

called hood-to- beauty, Anastasia Beverly

19:50

Hills. She's like, come to

19:53

my eyebrows and do

19:55

a glitter eye. This This bitch's

19:57

makeup looked on point.

19:59

So as soon as she

20:02

looks up to me and

20:04

we make eye contact,

20:06

I'm like, you're a fucking

20:08

sweet we make eye woman like, I'm

20:10

like has up makeup on.

20:13

How the fuck am I

20:15

about to tell you

20:17

that I think I'm up to

20:19

me, we make eye already at me and we a paddle. I

20:21

look at her and for a second, and was the

20:23

only pain relief I had make eye like an hour

20:25

and a half. we was like, eye-up, I'm. So, you look so

20:27

pretty, ma 'am. like, I'm. And her name was Chelsea. Thank

20:30

you, Chelsea. So So I look at Chelsea I

20:32

say, hi at I'm so sorry. And of course,

20:34

as women do, we just apologize. said,

20:36

no do, for alarm. I don't want to get anybody

20:38

alarmed. There's no worry, but I think I might be

20:40

dying. I said, I think my appendix is ruptured

20:42

or have a kidney stone. Can I come up and

20:44

sit with y 'all I maybe get some oxygen? They're

20:47

like, yes, absolutely, oh my God. So they bring over

20:49

their manager. And a manager on

20:51

a flight is called, I believe,

20:53

either a I think I might be dying. I said,

20:55

I think I think I think I'm right. So

20:57

this other woman, So lovely, lovely. name I believe her

20:59

name was Emily. up, Emily comes up. She's

21:01

like, all right, what's going on, pain radiating so

21:03

you have pain you, have you eaten from your back. no,

21:05

right, have you eaten anything? I'm I was

21:07

like, to sit you I haven't eaten anything. the pain She's

21:09

like, all right, I'm gonna sit you down.

21:11

So So I started describing the pain to I'm

21:13

going of these women in the front. So

21:15

they the pain to me through first I'm I'm in

21:18

the front galley. the So they put me on

21:20

oxygen. As soon as they put me on

21:22

to sit you I'm on it for 10 seconds.

21:24

I'm like, I'm gonna be sick. sit be sick.

21:26

I run to the bathroom. I projectile vomit

21:28

everywhere. When I say sit projectile vomit, I'm mean.

21:30

to sit you like we have now sprayed the

21:32

entire room. Mind you, I'm in my fabulous Navy

21:34

outfit, my outfit, new my brand new sweats that as

21:36

as fuck. I've got brand new Adidas on.

21:38

I went with it. I found the pair

21:40

the made me feel like a bad bitch.

21:42

My a bad bitch. My Adidas covered chunks everywhere. That's when I

21:44

knew something was seriously wrong wrong I was in

21:47

so much pain that I was barfing. barfing. I

21:49

like 10 years. Well, let me tell you,

21:51

Well, girl made up your of time. for So

21:53

I puked everywhere. Well, what did I do? what

21:55

did I a bunch of soap. of soap on paper

21:57

towels and I wiping down the. the

21:59

walls. So they're banging on the door. They're like,

22:01

man, are you wrong? Are you right? I was

22:04

like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm getting sick. I'm fine.

22:06

And they're like, do you need us? I'm like,

22:08

I'm OK. But mind you, I'm wiping down the

22:10

walls because I'm like, this is the first class

22:12

lavatory. I'm not going to have the captain come

22:15

in here. And then he sees who sprayed down

22:17

the freaking. And if you go into a bathroom,

22:19

even after just taking a light tinkle and you

22:21

don't wipe down the bathroom the way I did,

22:23

you're done. You fired? Go fuck yourself. Absolutely not.

22:26

I'm still courteous. To my fellow airline passengers, when

22:28

I'm fucking dying, riddle me why y'all still taking

22:30

off your shoes and putting your feet. on the

22:32

bulkhead bitch. All right, so I've just projected I'll

22:34

vomit it everywhere. I come out and they're like,

22:36

we've caught, and I hear them making the announcement.

22:39

Like, ladies and gentlemen, we're so sorry to bother

22:41

you, but we just want to see, is there

22:43

a doctor or medical professional on board? No, cause

22:45

for concern, but if there is, please make your

22:47

way to the front galley. And I'm like, this

22:50

is it, this is it. They've done it. They've

22:52

now called a doctor on doctor on board. I

22:54

have a doctor on board. I have been called

22:56

a doctor on a doctor on board. I have.

22:58

I have. I'm not getting up for my pot,

23:01

I'm comfortable. And this sweet woman named Rachel, Rachel

23:03

comes up. Now this is a nurse who could

23:05

not have been kinder. What I'm about to tell

23:07

you, this is where the part of the story

23:09

gets ridiculous. Rachel comes up to me and I

23:12

look at her and I look at her and

23:14

say, hi, these are my symptoms, this is what's

23:16

happening. I'm of course already self-diagnosing. I'm like, it

23:18

could be my appendix, it could be a kidney

23:20

stone, I've never had a appendicitis or a kidney

23:22

stone, I do suffer from ovarian cysts, I don't

23:25

know what's happening. Now mind you, I literally walk

23:27

out of the bathroom and I'm like, can I

23:29

please get a cup of the bathroom and I'm

23:31

like, can I please get a cup of tea

23:33

because I just want something to I'm like, can

23:36

I please get a cup of the bathroom and

23:38

I'm like, can I please get a please get

23:40

a cup of please get a cup of tea,

23:42

because I just want something to like, I could,

23:44

I could, I could, I could, I could, I

23:47

could, I could, I could, I could, I could,

23:49

I could, I could, I could, I could, I

23:51

could, I could, I could, I could, I could,

23:53

I could, I could, I could, I could, I

23:55

could, I could, I could, I could, now in

23:58

the jump seat. She turns around, looks at the

24:00

other students, and I think she's pregnant. I think

24:02

she's pregnant. Under her breath. And I'm hearing this,

24:04

but I'm choosing just to ignore it, because I

24:06

feel like I've taken more pregnancy tests in the

24:08

last month, because I had to go to the

24:11

hospital two months ago for the same thing, and

24:13

everybody just automatically thinks you're pregnant. So Rachel turns

24:15

to, I believe Emily. who's the head bitch and

24:17

charge on the flight? She goes, oh, thanks, she's

24:19

pregnant. So then Emily leans down to me, she's

24:22

like, hi, Heather, have you ever heard of an

24:24

atopic pregnancy? And I said, yeah, I know what

24:26

that is, I had a friend who had a

24:28

friend who had one, she was, right, so I

24:30

think there's a baby in your fallopian tube, could

24:33

there be, do you think there might be a

24:35

little child in your fallopian tube? Let's pop this

24:37

cherry and fucking go. So I look at her

24:39

and say, hey, I shouldn't be pregnant. If I

24:41

am, how the fuck would I know? Also too,

24:43

I'm pretty sure, since all of my friends have

24:46

had children, this doesn't happen to you when you're

24:48

pregnant. So Emily turns to Rachel, the nurse, and

24:50

is like, no, I think it's atopic pregnancy. I

24:52

think this is why it is. They just got

24:54

a little baby and a flopopian tube, could be

24:57

trapped. You know. You know what I'm like? No!

24:59

There's not a fucking baby my fallopian tube right

25:01

now. And if there is, this just fucking came

25:03

on all of a sudden. It's either my appendix,

25:05

a kidney stone, or literally my ovary is falling

25:08

out of my body. So then what they do

25:10

is they make me this palate right in the

25:12

galley way. I'm like, do you guys have somewhere

25:14

I can lay down? Of course, all the pods

25:16

are full. My mistake, I could have been in

25:19

my own pod, but I was a cheap bitch.

25:21

So, less than learned. So literally, they lay me

25:23

down, and when I say I'm squeezing this nurse's

25:25

hand, it's not like a contraction. It doesn't like

25:27

come and go. It's just radiating, writhing pain through

25:29

my body. I'm now at about a 17. I've

25:32

vom, my blood pressure is rupturing, I'm becoming... This

25:34

is what's happening. So then they're like, oh,

25:36

like, to stop have to stop

25:38

breakfast service because we're

25:40

about So we're hours out. So

25:43

we're gonna have to

25:45

move you down. We're gonna

25:47

make a little section

25:49

for you. So they take

25:51

a bunch of mats

25:54

and a bunch of pillows

25:56

but there's two I seats where

25:58

by the exit doors,

26:00

but there's a curtain. So

26:02

they guess that's where down to

26:05

a doctor on takes a quick

26:07

little nap. on They lay

26:09

me down the land, they

26:11

were able to call down

26:13

to a doctor on

26:15

the land they're, and able to

26:18

give me, and if you

26:20

took like a Tylenol and

26:22

they're, you know, an an 800

26:24

milligram. They give me that.

26:26

That's not working. I'm

26:29

still vomiting. So we're gonna give

26:31

her not working, I'm think is a little anti so

26:33

like we're going to just be a painkiller. They

26:35

give me that, it gives me I I

26:37

go from a 17, now I'm down to

26:39

like a 12. I'm still over or but

26:41

I can at least sort of catch

26:43

my breath. I literally had a moment me

26:45

down. go I said 17, loud, I said in

26:47

the name of Jesus, I'm still this. I

26:49

rebuke this feeling. I rebuke what is happening

26:51

to my body. I'm not ready to

26:53

meet my maker. love I love my dad,

26:55

I miss him. I'm not ready to be

26:57

with him fully. I I finish the tour.

26:59

the tour, a baby, have I wanna get married

27:02

in Italy. I literally saw my entire life

27:04

flash before my eyes. This is not

27:06

being dramatic. I am not is this fucking

27:08

story because I'm trapped. I'm trapped in a

27:10

fucking silver tube. I'm trapped in an

27:12

airplane. I knew we couldn't turn around. I

27:14

knew we were halfway in between New

27:16

York and London. I wasn't gonna fuck up

27:18

not other people on this flight's vacation. I

27:20

was still being selfless I thinking about everybody

27:23

else. But I said, I I cannot handle

27:25

this. I cannot handle this. And I

27:27

started of sort of black like was to, and they keep

27:29

checking on me, I'm like, checking I me and I'm like,

27:31

listen, I think my blood sugar is low. Can

27:33

low. you get me a like, I have spry. We don't have

27:35

we have We have like, I don't give a like, I

27:37

what it is. have Just get me something with

27:39

sugar and bubbles. lemonade. I'm So We bring me a

27:41

lemonade, Sprite. And I said, We have let me

27:44

know give the last possible second I need to

27:46

buckle into my seat. And they said, we're I

27:48

have give lemonade. I. you when you land lemonade. I course

27:50

this whole time I. apologizing I'm so I. I. I have

27:52

I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed. I I

27:54

can't believe you guys are having to deal

27:56

with this. with this. And like, apologize, but you're

27:58

probably pregnant. you're probably pregnant. reminding

28:00

me that I was pregnant, which at this

28:02

point, I'm pissed. And I'm like, if I

28:04

am pregnant and this is how I'm finding

28:06

out by my body betraying me on a

28:08

fucking transatlantic flight, then this baby and I

28:10

are gonna have a lot of issues. Do

28:12

you know what I'm saying? Like this baby

28:14

is a little baby bitch. So they call

28:17

the ambulance, they're gonna be there when we

28:19

land. They sit me back in my seat.

28:21

I know we're making our like final descent.

28:23

So they sit me back in my seat

28:25

and my poor seat means like, how there,

28:27

where are you been? You've been gone for

28:29

like, like the whole flight. And I was

28:31

like, hey, Chris, just need you to know

28:33

I'm dying. I think I have my appendix

28:35

is ruptured. So I need you to shut

28:37

the fuck up and just hold my hand.

28:39

So literally Chris is like, yeah, he's like

28:41

squeezing my hand. He and I are having

28:43

any. intimate moment. And it was almost like

28:45

I could see us breaking through the clouds.

28:47

I was like, this is the longest, this

28:49

is truly the longest landing I've ever been

28:51

a part of in my entire life. We

28:53

land and I just take a deep siverly

28:55

if I'm like, I'm on land. Someone is

28:57

going to pop something in my body and

28:59

relieve the pain that I am feeling. It's

29:01

getting worse. It's not better, but now the

29:03

tram at all has kicked in and I

29:05

feel super fucked up. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

29:07

to London Heathrow Airport. The time here is

29:09

10.05 a.m. Greenwich time. I think that's what

29:11

it is. Thank you so much for choosing

29:14

Virgin Atlantic. Please stay seated. We do have

29:16

a medical emergency on board and paramedics are

29:18

going to have to come on board. So

29:20

please stay to the right-hand side. Our left

29:22

aisle is going to be occupied. We have

29:24

to get the ambulance on. Heather McMahon has

29:26

an atomic pregnancy and we're 99% sure. She's

29:28

got a baby in her fallopian tube. Oh,

29:30

the captain's come out. Hold on one second.

29:32

Now, the captain comes out. The captain comes

29:34

out. When I say, this guy was fucking.

29:36

Rico's suave. He was the most gorgeous man

29:38

I had ever seen. Okay? we've

29:40

landed, the second captain comes

29:42

out and and on, what's

29:44

that? You can literally

29:46

hear them talking. talking. Yeah, no,

29:48

it's it's probably a

29:50

baby and a and do, uh-huh,

29:52

right, okay. Well, hey, good to see you,

29:54

good to see God,

29:56

Charles. a you're a good

29:58

looking. like, I I can

30:00

hear them talking about

30:02

how good the is

30:04

and I can see

30:06

him and I'm fucking

30:08

mortified. mortified. like, all right,

30:10

and thank you for

30:13

choosing Virgin Atlantic. Have

30:15

a beautiful, lovely, cherub day.

30:17

So the pilot pilot comes

30:19

out and is like,

30:21

all right, you're not

30:23

feeling good, right? So

30:25

people are now getting

30:27

off the flight to

30:29

the the flight to I'm on the hand

30:31

by the door. on the This guy is so

30:33

fucking good looking. I'm like, of course, so of

30:35

course, the captain is my future husband. Sorry,

30:37

no hate, no shade of Jeff, but this

30:39

guy is like no shade fucking Jeff, but this of

30:41

is you know what I'm saying? I'm like, of course

30:43

he's my husband. This is how it had to

30:46

happen. like, of course, he's feeling well. I'm like,

30:48

go fuck. how I'm about to vomit again.

30:50

This is the ambulance comes on. People are

30:52

filtering off to the right. the I'm causing

30:54

a scene to the left. left. Amos comes on

30:56

they have to do customs while I'm

30:58

sitting on the flight. the So they're doing

31:00

customs. customs. Megan, the paramedic comes on comes on, the

31:02

same questions. So I tell her everything that's

31:05

going on with me. She's taking my

31:07

vitals. Then another person from like the airport.

31:09

I don't know if they're like customs

31:11

patrol, person from to make sure that I'm not

31:13

making up this story. I have to

31:15

then tell this other woman my 15 to

31:17

story of I'm not happened to me. then someone

31:19

else comes on. I'm like, like, why can't the the paramedic

31:22

who sees that I'm at a level 14 other

31:24

tell the other two people me? So I'm wrong with me?

31:26

So I'm standing up in the cabin. I'm like,

31:28

flown I've flown internationally I'm almost I'm almost a status, like I'm

31:30

almost there. This is not I had a had a

31:32

nervous breakdown on a flight. never never felt this kind

31:34

of pain. So the so I think so I think

31:36

that now people maybe aren't believing me, but I'm

31:38

like, fuck it, just get me to a hospital.

31:41

Let me put it this way. Everyone's being really humor.

31:43

You with each other. like want love the British sense

31:45

of humor. more in You other. just, you know, they always

31:47

so when I have a laugh, kind of take the

31:49

piss out of like, Ronnie, Ronnie, which oh, you think really

31:51

should do more in be on going be on the going sensitive, going

31:53

but it on of got to the point where be on

31:55

the like, you're going to be on the baby, going to be on the oh, going

31:57

to be on the baby, think you're gonna be on the going

31:59

to be on the baby, because you're such a fucking wankster

32:01

and you're like shut the fuck up

32:04

Ronnie this isn't time for you to

32:06

test out your new five minutes set

32:08

to be on last comic standing England

32:10

I can't handle this right now so

32:12

then they tell me they're like all

32:14

right so you're gonna have to come

32:16

back to Heathrow to get your bags

32:18

but I hear that I'm like fuck

32:20

it I don't care if I get

32:22

my bags on Tuesday just getting in

32:24

the hospital they put me in and

32:26

like oh Love your hat, you look

32:28

great, so tell me where you're from

32:30

and I think that they're probably just

32:32

trying to have a conversation with me

32:34

to get my mind off of what's

32:36

going on, but it doesn't fucking matter.

32:38

I'm like, I don't care, I can't

32:40

think, they're like, all right, okay, she's

32:42

a little rude and I'm still being

32:44

super nice. I says here on the

32:46

form, you're a comedian. Let me hear

32:48

a joke, you got a joke. And

32:51

I look at this guy, and I

32:53

think I had turned so green, so

32:55

pale, I'm not going to even try

32:57

it. And then he turns around to

32:59

the two guys who were driving cars,

33:01

like, she's a comedian, but I don't

33:03

think she's up for a joke right

33:05

now. Steve, we're going to get it

33:07

though. Everyone's just fucking cracking, god damn

33:09

jokes. I am at a point. where

33:11

I have a sort of sense of

33:13

relief because I know I'm on my

33:15

way to just eventually getting my leg

33:17

cut off. This is a topic, pregnancy

33:19

taken out of me, like whatever the

33:21

fuck they think is wrong with me.

33:23

I'm like, just take my legs off.

33:25

I need my legs, but at this

33:27

point, just take them off. Because as

33:29

long as something is just taken off

33:31

my body, then I'll just feel better.

33:33

Like I didn't even know how to

33:35

feel. So then the guys, I, alright,

33:37

so do you want morphine? I knew

33:40

I needed morphine, but I didn't want

33:42

it because morphine, I'm like, I'm just

33:44

gonna start projectile vomiting again. So he's

33:46

like, we have laughing gas, she wants

33:48

some laughing gas. So the guy just

33:50

hooks me up to laughing gas. If

33:52

you ever had laughing gas before, it's

33:54

a fucking good. I'm truly just beyond.

33:56

I know I'm on my way to

33:58

the hospital. I'm woofing on this laughing

34:00

gas and I just have this moment.

34:02

I'm even now starting to crack Joe.

34:04

Love and Guess doesn't make you laugh,

34:06

but it just makes you kind of

34:08

not give a fuck. And I look

34:10

at this guy and I'm like, dude,

34:12

what's up. And now I'm starting to

34:14

sound like my bunk mate, my seat

34:16

mate Chris, who's on edibles. I'm like,

34:18

you know what? What's your name? Is

34:20

I'm Edgar? I'm like, I'm like, I'm

34:22

Edgar. I'm like, Conay West. conversation. The

34:24

two guys in the front couldn't be

34:27

nicer. It was like the movie Princess

34:29

Pride or like spam a lot. I've

34:31

got one guy that looks like Hodor,

34:33

this tiny Indian dude who can't be

34:35

more than five two. And then this

34:37

other guy who's probably in his 60s

34:39

is actually in the back of the

34:41

ambulance with me who looks like kind

34:43

of like sting, but if sting got

34:45

hit in the face a couple times,

34:47

that's who's helping me. So I've got

34:49

Hodor, tiny Indian man and beat up

34:51

sting helping me. They couldn't be nicer.

34:53

I felt like they were dumber than

34:55

a brick, but they could not have

34:57

been nicer. So they wheel me into

34:59

the hospital. Next comes Mark. Mark, he's

35:01

not a porter, and a porter in

35:03

a hospital is somebody who transports you

35:05

from like room to room to room.

35:07

But this guy, Mark, comes up and

35:09

he's not a porter, and a hospital

35:11

is somebody who transports you from like,

35:14

like room to room. But this guy,

35:16

Mark, Mark, comes either my appendix. all

35:18

of the things. So he's just having

35:20

like a cool calm collective conversation. I'm

35:22

sitting in a seat. I said, Mark,

35:24

I need to get into that bed.

35:26

So they put me on a gurney

35:28

and I'm like, all right, now you

35:30

can have a conversation with me. Then,

35:32

Mark's just like, all right. Wow, you

35:34

got kind eyes. He kept saying I

35:36

had kind eyes, which made me think

35:38

this is when I die. I feel

35:40

like that's what they say to you.

35:42

Right before you pass, you've got kind

35:44

eyes, you were a good person, and

35:46

you gave back to your community. And

35:48

then they slowly put their two fingers

35:50

like a peace sign over your eyelids,

35:52

shut your eyelids, and then you go.

35:54

and you you over

35:56

to the the bridge.

35:58

I was like, like,

36:01

this is it. this

36:03

is is where he just closes my

36:05

eyelids Mark maybe, you know, lifts up my shirt and checks out up

36:07

my shirt and checks out what my titties

36:09

look like. else in the else in the hospital knows

36:11

that he did it, but then he still makes

36:13

sure that he puts a like bead on my

36:15

body as they lower me into the the ground, you

36:17

ground, I'm you know what I'm saying? doctor comes doctor

36:20

comes in. tell she's a doctor, can't even tell she's

36:22

a doctor. because she's a sweet she's a sweet Ukrainian

36:24

woman, but she doesn't have anything on.

36:26

She's not necessarily dressed in scrubs. Truly, she

36:28

looked like a candy striper. She had

36:30

like sort of a vest on, but she

36:32

had normal sneakers on, on, kind of she had

36:34

normal Nothing said scrubs about this woman. said

36:36

She's from the Ukraine. She's from let

36:39

me do my Russian accent. me do my Russian Okay,

36:41

I always do this to get Okay, I was doing She

36:43

comes in, she says. She comes and

36:45

what's happening? what's I'm like, ma 'am, ma'am. seen my

36:47

chart, Edgar seen my chart, seen my seen my

36:49

chart, Emily has seen it, Megan's seen it,

36:51

can somebody just look at my fucking chart?

36:53

Cause I can barely get out the words

36:55

right now. So I tell her what's going

36:58

on, she's like, now. So I tell her right, okay, like, all

37:00

right, okay, it out. figure it like, maybe maybe

37:02

we out. They take They take blood. They

37:04

take urine. She's doing an abdominal ultrasound test.

37:06

She's pushing on my It's It's not my

37:08

appendix. We rule that out because when she

37:10

pushes on it, it doesn't pop back. And

37:12

I don't like like start immediately She's like, it

37:14

could be a giant could cyst. I said,

37:17

I have them before. have them like, we're

37:19

going to figure it out. we're going to the

37:21

deal. out. In London, the healthcare is free. When

37:23

I say it's free, I mean, I I

37:25

did not pay for a thing except

37:27

my my $9 worth of coding. All you you pays

37:29

for your prescription and that's still that's still cheap

37:31

as fuck. Okay? Cheap is absolute fuck. So anyways, she started to

37:33

do all she started to do all sorts of tests

37:35

on me. like a there, sense I feel like a

37:37

sort of sense of relief. Now they don't give

37:40

me any I'm in when I'm in there I I don't

37:42

even it. like, I just want to figure out

37:44

what the fuck's going on. to figure So everybody's just

37:46

coming in and out. out. That's what it is.

37:48

They're just coming in and out. in It's a shit

37:50

show. a I don't know what's happening. what's And they

37:52

keep just moving me around. So I'm admitted now

37:54

into the into the ER. Thank God I got there when

37:56

I did. I I got there before I I guess

37:58

Friday rush. So I I immediately get seen, which Thank God. But

38:00

okay, so the hospitals are free, which is great.

38:02

I can't figure out free health care is fantastic,

38:04

but I was just ready to swipe my Amex

38:07

because I had called the day before and increased

38:09

my limit because I knew I was gonna like

38:11

live my best life in Europe. But I say

38:13

that. for two parts. One, the hospital looked like

38:15

it survived the war, like it was definitely a

38:17

hospital from like 1940, and then on the other

38:19

end, like thank God it was free. I do

38:21

think I got great care, but it was not,

38:24

I did not feel as elevated, if you will,

38:26

if you were in the States. Now, we still

38:28

had wonderful care, but it was a little like,

38:30

you know, there were like tumbleweets going down the

38:32

hall a little bit, still, did not know who

38:34

my doctor was, but felt... Oddly safe. Let's also

38:36

say this. They put me on oxygen again. They're

38:38

starting to figure it out. Okay, the guy, I

38:41

know, comes in. She's kind of a bitch. I'm

38:43

going to be honest with you. The way she

38:45

would respond to me, I said, hey, I've had

38:47

her variances before, so I... Okay, I hear you.

38:49

Like, she wasn't, everybody else was cheeky. Everyone's cracking

38:51

jokes. They were all just trying to have a

38:53

laugh. You know, we're all like having a moment.

38:55

Even though I'm dying, I'm still having a positive

38:58

conversation with everyone. The gynecologist comes in, she's got

39:00

long red hair, she's young, she's got on like

39:02

burberry boots. And I'm like, I know, we're not

39:04

going to have a moment. Everyone asked me, are

39:06

you pregnant. And I'm like, you just took a

39:08

blood in urine test. I'm not pregnant. She's like,

39:10

have you been pregnant before? I've never been pregnant.

39:12

All right. Do you have an ASTIs? Everyone kept

39:15

asking me my sexual history. Literally, when I told

39:17

the one, I said, ma'am, I honestly have never

39:19

had a sexually transmitted disease, I'm in a loving

39:21

committed relationship with the same man of nine years.

39:23

Look, I think they thought I was lying about

39:25

being pregnant, or having horrific, She looked at me

39:27

as if I was just riddled with warts inside

39:29

my womb. And I'm like, look, so that we're

39:32

gonna do a full vaginal pelvic exam. We've already

39:34

done an ultrasound on the outside. We're gonna need

39:36

to do a vaginal ultrasound. When you have cysts,

39:38

you know, or if you're pregnant, you've had 65

39:40

vaginal ultrasound. They basically take a wand that's. the

39:42

size of like a weed wacker, something that you'd

39:44

use to trim your hedges and the side of

39:46

your sidewalk, they use that in your vagina, okay?

39:48

Obviously without the blade, but they stick that up

39:51

in you. Long story short, this woman's like, all

39:53

right, so I can hear her talking to her

39:55

colleague outside, like the two women on the flight,

39:57

like, is probably a topic pregnant, and she's probably

39:59

has ridgel with gonorr, but she's not telling us

40:01

because she's a whore. So they come in, they

40:03

do a vaginal exam. Now mind you, this is

40:05

when I knew the hospital was a touch, like,

40:08

I don't know, maybe not up to date. She's

40:10

like, sorry, this is kind of embarrassing, but we

40:12

don't have a light, you know, when like when

40:14

you're having an exam and they have that giant

40:16

light. She's like, so can we use your phone?

40:18

She asked to use my iPhone to use the

40:20

giant flashlight. To use the giant flashlight, I'm like.

40:22

What the fuck is happening? Sure, at this point,

40:25

I don't even give a fuck if you take

40:27

photos and put them on the internet because I

40:29

want people to know I'm not making this shit

40:31

up. All right? And I need to prove to

40:33

y'all and everybody in this hospital, I'm not riddled

40:35

with gonorrhea. So they open it up, they do

40:37

a pap smear and she immediately says like, she

40:39

takes a sire live like, oh yeah, there's nothing.

40:42

Her vagina looks totally normal. Her vagina looks totally

40:44

normal. Maggots with an M. You know, I thought

40:46

she, I don't know what she thought she was

40:48

going to find down there, but it was a

40:50

normal healthy vagina. If there's one thing I can

40:52

pride myself on, it's that, my pussy good. You

40:54

know what I'm saying? And if you've had an

40:56

STI before, that's fine. You know, shit happens. Thank

40:59

God for penicillin. So the nurse is holding my

41:01

fucking flashlight. on my own phone to see my

41:03

vagina. And she's like, all right, so we're gonna

41:05

do a CT scan. They will me up to

41:07

do a CT scan and they just leave me

41:09

in the hallway for like two hours, but I'm

41:11

fine. At this point, I'm delirious. I'm Instagramming. People

41:13

are messaging me left and right. Now mind you,

41:16

my buddy Chris Kettner, who is my producer on

41:18

my tour, is the only person I messaged him

41:20

and the people I was technically traveling. with when

41:22

I I was up in

41:24

the air. as And then

41:26

as soon as I I

41:28

said, Chris, I said, have a 911

41:30

we have a I need

41:32

situation. how I I need you

41:35

to figure out how

41:37

I can get to I

41:39

hospital as soon as I

41:41

land. We lost on it, I

41:43

got it. I wasn't So to is

41:45

like, mom, I on it.

41:47

I got it. I wasn't

41:49

gonna text my mom.

41:52

I wasn't to text Jeff I

41:54

I didn't want anybody

41:56

else to worry. I Chris

41:58

is my friend of I

42:00

12 years. to He's a

42:02

warrior. He's with me on

42:04

the road. He knows

42:06

what I need. And I

42:09

was just like, because I

42:11

Chris can handle this I

42:13

an appropriate situation and knows

42:15

London well enough I didn't

42:17

I'm gonna let him know

42:19

I not gonna freak my

42:21

mom out I my mom

42:23

would just be running

42:26

around I didn't, because I didn't, because I

42:28

like. because I didn So you know.

42:30

they So into a wheel me into a

42:32

CT scan. They can tell it's not

42:34

my appendix. And so they do the

42:36

vaginal ultrasound. They're like, you have a

42:38

cyst They're your ovary. a That's huge. It's

42:40

like four that's People have had like that

42:42

are like the size of grapefruits. They're

42:44

like, we can't tell if this one are

42:46

like So it's called novarian torsion. It's

42:48

basically where your cyst in your ovary

42:50

get twisted of they twist up like They're like,

42:52

you get at the mall that's covered

42:54

in butter and smells like heaven. That's

42:56

what happened. They think either that happened

42:58

like, another smaller cyst behind it ruptured. when

43:00

I say when I say that I have

43:02

gone to the interwebs when I talked

43:04

about this on Instagram, women messaged me

43:06

and said, and said, I dropped in the

43:08

middle of the mall. I literally passed

43:10

the fuck out at a at a roller skating

43:12

rink when I was I was 11, my

43:14

friend. I mean, I hope she didn't

43:16

mind that I share this I share this. Busy

43:18

said, Heather, I blacked out and passed

43:20

the out and had to be rushed to

43:22

the hospital when I had that. So

43:24

I am now feeling like, right, I'm

43:26

being vindicated. like, I now know that what

43:28

I was feeling feeling was a normal sensation of

43:30

pain. I'm like, pain. people have been through

43:33

this, understand this is the worst thing ever. this,

43:35

like, guess what? They're like, the nothing we

43:37

can fucking do for you. They say, we

43:39

can give you nothing This is probably gonna happen

43:41

again. you. We can't tell if it's ruptured.

43:43

You don't have enough fluid around your uterus,

43:45

around your ovarian sac or whatever the fuck

43:47

is in my body. you not enough fluid to

43:49

show that it's ruptured. So we think it

43:51

was probably a torsion. We're basically it to

43:53

a pretzel don't then it twists back. But they're

43:55

like, right now it's twists back. And now

43:57

my pain is starting to go down. I'm like

44:00

all right, clearly this thing has flipped itself

44:02

back over, like a little kidney bean.

44:04

But I look at the woman, I go,

44:06

do I have an atomic pregnancy? And

44:08

she's like, no, no, you don't. I'm

44:10

like, gotcha, bitch. Told you. So I

44:12

don't even want to hear it right now.

44:14

OK. But they're like, I don't even

44:16

want to hear it right now. OK.

44:18

But they're like, there's nothing. They're like, I'm

44:21

like, I just want to get the

44:23

fuck out of the fuck out of

44:25

the fuck out of here. Coding's a

44:27

real fucking deal. So they decided to give

44:29

me Coding. I'd go down to the

44:31

pharmacy checkout. Mind you, I'm like, who's

44:33

going to swipe my credit card? They're

44:35

like, it's free. Welcome to England. So I'm

44:37

like, that's at least nice. I was

44:39

in a, you know, World War I

44:41

hospital and everyone was super lovely. Don't get

44:44

me wrong. I had a great quality

44:46

of care. But when I had to

44:48

use my own cell phone flashlight so

44:50

they could look at my own cell phone.

44:52

back in the past, but still, again,

44:54

wonderful quality. Thank you to the staff.

44:56

I'm not going to complain, but at

44:58

one point I was kind of like, can

45:00

I just get an IV and like

45:02

some coding and get the fuck out

45:04

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this. this. I go down to get my I go

48:07

The get my drugs. The you're not having a great time

48:09

not having a great time because I'm

48:11

also wheeling my own luggage. Now, mind you,

48:13

I was alone for this entire process.

48:15

My friends were of hours outside of London way

48:18

their way back, but they couldn't get

48:20

to me quick enough. And And honestly, I

48:22

was like, y 'all enjoy your vacation. I'm

48:24

a bad bitch. I got this. And I

48:26

kind of had an epiphany later. Everyone was messaging

48:28

me like, I can't believe you're alone. can't

48:30

believe you're alone. And I finally at this moment

48:32

where I like, I do so many things alone

48:34

and I am so not reliant on other

48:36

people. reliant on kind of a mind of

48:39

a for me for me. I'm not saying

48:41

that to toot my own horn toot

48:43

my own horn, but to-toot, else on that independent

48:45

bitch bitch train. You got a one -way ticket too.

48:47

Nobody's really helped me in my life, so

48:49

I'm gonna keep going. time I've had a

48:51

medical emergency, my mom's one of those

48:53

moms who absolutely cannot handle it. So I

48:55

would just go it. then tell her later.

48:58

and then tell her later. Jeff handle it.

49:00

it. I mean, for fuck's sake, when I asked

49:02

Jeff to pick me up some he brought me

49:04

back a a of of I'm texting Jeff, Jeff

49:06

now knows that I'm in the hospital, he's

49:08

panicking. I'm like, Jeff, this is what happened.

49:10

They think it's an ovarian Jeff, or a

49:12

torsion. They're giving me it's an like, oh, I,

49:14

you know, just sweating, pulling out his like

49:16

last few strands of hair. I can't believe

49:18

this was happening. I'm like, well, it happened.

49:20

And I made it through and I'm on

49:22

codeine right now hair. I I'm flirting with the

49:24

really hot I'm you guys, I'm just gonna throw

49:26

this out there. If you're hair, I'm I know

49:28

I say go to the Delta I'm in the hospital.

49:30

also come to England the guys here

49:32

are fucking hot. They're sophisticated They

49:34

all have good jobs and honestly, they're

49:36

down to fuck like I looked

49:38

so fucking rough But I still so

49:40

as I had my lack of color

49:43

hat from because on and was wearing

49:45

my all color hat from Show Navy because

49:47

that's my on and was I was getting all

49:49

with left and fucking right like

49:51

the pharmacist and I my chic look. I

49:53

had not like vomited on my own

49:55

self and so I puke on

49:57

my Adidas Like the we would have fucked. I'm

49:59

just saying. legit. I contacted the flirting that we

50:01

made. I was feeling something, he was feeling

50:03

something. We were about, we were down to

50:05

clown, you know what I'm saying? I wouldn't

50:07

cheat on Jeff because I love him, but

50:09

regardless. In my mind though, I was like,

50:11

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna fuck him, I'm

50:13

gonna get codeine and have an affair. You

50:16

know, that's what was playing in my mind.

50:18

So I get the medicines like, maybe nine

50:20

pounds. I'm like, it's only nine dollars for.

50:22

Codeine? Are you kidding me? Do you know

50:24

what Little Wayne pays for Codeine on the

50:26

black market? Hundreds of dollars. Do we have

50:28

an opioid crisis in America? Yes. Does Codeine

50:30

make me feel like I want to scratch

50:32

my skin off 100%? Was I down to

50:34

fuck with it? You bet your ass. I

50:36

pop too and I was like, let's go.

50:38

So then I'm alone. So I'm having this

50:40

like this world epiphany. I'm walking out of

50:42

the hospital. I'm like, I did all of

50:44

this shit by my fucking self. And honestly,

50:47

had I had somebody there with me, it

50:49

would have been fucking annoying. And I'd have

50:51

been like, I just apologizing the whole time

50:53

because that's what we do as women. We

50:55

apologize for things. Well, you know what? Moving

50:57

into the future, I'm not apologizing for shit.

50:59

I went out of that hospital stay. So

51:01

then I have to go back to Heathrow

51:03

and go back through customs to collect my

51:05

back. I have to call this guy from

51:07

Virgin Atlantic who's giving me like bad directions

51:09

on how to get to where I need

51:11

to go. Long story short, I have to

51:13

go back through, get my luggage, I'm just

51:15

sweating at this point, I'm just sweating. I'm

51:18

like, do I, am I going to vomit

51:20

again? I get all my suitcases, I get

51:22

an Uber and I just literally get the

51:24

Uber and that's when it hit me that

51:26

I had just survived the day that I

51:28

had just survived the day that I had

51:30

just survived the day that I had just

51:32

survived the day from the day from the

51:34

day from the day from the day from

51:36

the day from the day from hell. You

51:41

know that kind of gentle Merrill Streep in an

51:43

Oscar winning moment, but like the buildup to that

51:45

Oscar winning moment That's the soft cry I had

51:47

to myself the Uber driver turns around now mind

51:49

you to find an Uber you have to go

51:51

up to like parking level three row full QA

51:53

to the left, it's very hard to find where

51:55

you're supposed to get your Uber picked up at

51:57

Heathrow. And still, even in that moment, I'm like,

51:59

I have my hospital banned on, I just vomited

52:01

for the last six hours, found my appendix ruptured,

52:03

I'm still dragging two suitcases and navigating how to

52:05

get to the car park so I can get

52:07

picked up by the super. And that's when I

52:09

finally sat in the back of this Prius, and

52:11

the guy turned around, and I just said, I

52:13

just fucking went through that. I'm not on the

52:15

other side of the Rainbow Bridge. I'm on the

52:17

other side of the fucking pond. And I'm a

52:19

warrior bitch. And I just did that. You know?

52:21

And the guy's like, you're right. And I said,

52:24

yeah, I'm fine. We're going to make it. Joaquin

52:26

drives her. Just drive. And we had like a

52:28

tender moment where he's like, yeah, you're going to

52:30

be okay. All right, also it's two and a

52:32

half hours of traffic through London because it is

52:34

five 30. So buckle up, hope you got a

52:36

snack. Thank God I did have a snack and

52:38

I fell asleep in the back of the cab

52:40

and woke up at the note and I did

52:42

tell him, I said, sir, I haven't slept in

52:44

24 hours. Oh, yeah, mind you, I haven't slept

52:46

in 24 hours. Oh, yeah, mind you, I haven't

52:48

slept in 24 hours. Oh, I haven't slept in

52:50

24 hours. Oh, I haven't, I haven't slept in

52:52

24. I haven't slept, I haven't slept, I haven't

52:54

slept, I haven't slept, I, I, I, I, I,

52:56

I, I haven't, I, I, I, I, I, I,

52:58

30, 30, 30, 30, 30, 30, 30, 30, 30,

53:00

30, 30, 20, 30, 20, 20, 30, 20, 20,

53:02

20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, Well, I

53:04

mean, if you did, you wouldn't get gonorrhea because

53:06

I don't have it. So that's just a heads

53:08

up. But side note, just take me to the

53:10

Nobu Hotel. So he takes me to the Nobu

53:12

Hotel. And he looked at me though, and he

53:14

said, no, he's safe. You're in angels arms. I

53:16

got you. All right, let's go. And just floors

53:18

it. Two hours later, because the traffic was so

53:20

bad. I wake up at the Nobu Hotel. I

53:22

wake up. I wake up at the Nobu Hotel.

53:24

I wake up at the Nobu Hotel. I check

53:26

in. I ordered so much room service, when the

53:28

lady brought the cart up, she brought four pieces

53:30

of cutlery, like four napkins with four knives, spoons,

53:32

and forks. Because I was like, fuck it, I'm

53:34

getting that no-boo service. my friends,

53:36

they were like, do you

53:39

do want to come out

53:41

to dinner? They do checking

53:43

on me, of course.

53:45

I'm of getting to ,000 phone

53:47

calls because now on waking

53:49

up in the stage I'm getting

53:51

are you phone Are God,

53:53

you okay? What's happening? I

53:55

said, listen, I'm going

53:57

to put my phone on

53:59

you to not disturb.

54:01

I and this oh to kick

54:03

in. I'm now, my Are

54:05

come down to like

54:07

a level happening? I I can

54:09

breathe, I can manage

54:11

it. And honestly, on I

54:13

just started to fucking I

54:15

my eyes out in the

54:17

sense I was like, to

54:19

the way that I

54:21

felt 48 hours ago was

54:23

so traumatizing. I can I can't

54:25

believe that I made it through. I I

54:27

kind of felt like I wanted to puke

54:29

again, just simply from the fact that I

54:31

was like, adrenaline rush, the fact had 16 rush,

54:34

but then I took a bath and I never take a

54:36

bath. I'm kind of one of those people where I

54:38

like to shower because if I take a bath, I one

54:40

get in the shower. Even if I'm in the nicest bath

54:42

in the world, I'm still sitting in my own I'm kind of

54:44

one I like to wash my hair. So I

54:46

got in the bath, I soaked, I I took a

54:48

minute, I got in the shower, the I put on my

54:51

on my robe, which is what they actually give you. They

54:53

give you a soft, gentle. give you. really high high

54:55

count kimono, so So that's not me being racially.

54:57

insensitive. They they give you a kimono

54:59

at the Nobu Hotels. which if you've never say to

55:01

a Nobu Hotel, check them out. They're really crazy

55:03

expensive, but if you get the you get the if

55:05

you know somebody, mean, I worth it. worth it. And I

55:07

And I will say this, I had that I moment. I

55:09

was in in the Airbnb with Jared and Taylor Taylor but

55:11

and I'd have to share it about with my girlfriend to

55:13

share it Not a big deal, but I just knew I

55:16

was gonna have a long two weeks ahead of me.

55:18

long was like, I'm gonna book a hotel for myself. like,

55:20

I'm Thank book a did. for myself. Thank God put my friends through

55:22

this. And want I was like, that's the moment where I

55:24

I was like, y 'all listen, even if you don't have a

55:26

pot to piss in, just, if you don't have a pot

55:28

to pissing. Take care of yourself, spend the extra

55:30

$3. What are you gonna do? Take it

55:32

with you over to the rainbow bridge? My buddy

55:35

Raymond's texting me. He's like, you knew you

55:37

should have booked a pod. He's like, fuck it,

55:39

Heather. You don't need a retirement plan. We're

55:41

burning the earth down. The fuck it, Heather, we're literally

55:43

not gonna have trees in another two years. Spend

55:45

your fucking money. You're making The like, live your

55:47

truth. Get an literally upgraded me, which was phenomenal.

55:49

But I did have that moment where Ray's

55:51

like, Heather, I told you, if you would have

55:54

just fucking not been a we're and gotten the

55:56

pod, none of this would have happened. burning. I'm

55:58

like, he's probably right. right. This was God. telling

56:00

me, spend your money. money. There

56:02

no point. you You You work too

56:04

hard. You have hustled for

56:06

too long. You have scraped,

56:08

pillaged, literally clawed your way to

56:10

where you are and you

56:12

you to claw. Do not,

56:14

not treat yourself right. I I

56:16

myself in my sweet in my

56:18

sweet finished off my last

56:20

piece of yellow tail with

56:22

jalapeno tail with took one last

56:24

Took one last coating, chuged effigy. crawled in

56:26

a bed I literally look up

56:28

to the sky to the sky and I said,

56:30

I come before you in

56:33

the name of Jesus and I

56:35

thank you bringing me through, for

56:37

helping me realize that I

56:39

can do anything. that I can

56:41

do we're going to live to

56:43

see another day. Please tell my day. Please

56:45

not ready, but I knew he

56:47

had my back this entire time. back

56:49

God is good. God God is great. great.

56:51

Thank you for this day. I'm

56:54

going to tea with the tomorrow because

56:56

I'm manifesting it and now the and

56:58

kicking in. kicking in. Night, I I asleep

57:00

at at then woke up at then woke up

57:02

at 6 a.m. to 1500 phone calls and

57:04

messages. messages. But moral the story is, ladies

57:07

and gentlemen, I've walked you through what

57:09

happened to me. through I did

57:11

it. I'm here. I'm I'm alive. you You

57:13

can do it. Thank you for

57:15

tuning in. in, Thank you for letting

57:17

me explain what happened. explain what happened. Thanks

57:19

so much for listening to today's episode.

57:22

Don't forget to Don't rate us

57:24

and leave a review. And as always,

57:26

follow me on a review. And as always, See

57:28

you guys soon. at

57:30

Heather K. McMahon. See you guys

57:32

soon. you

58:08

You