0:00

The following

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podcast is

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a dear

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media production.

0:09

Welcome to

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the Absolutely

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Not podcast,

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where we do

0:19

the most and

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the least at

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the same time.

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I'm your host,

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Heather McMahon. How

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are you? Hope you're fantastic.

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It's a beautiful day. But I'll

0:35

tell you right now, if you're

0:37

living below the Mason-Dixon

0:40

line, you're getting choked

0:42

out by pollen. The mother nature

0:44

is actively trying to kill

0:46

us right now in the state of

0:48

Georgia. The pollen is so thick

0:50

that we're choking on it.

0:52

It's like somebody took chalk

0:54

dust, took two old erasers.

0:57

From your third grade classroom and

0:59

just started banging them together and

1:01

then said hey, go play pickleball

1:04

I mean, it's fucking terrible You

1:06

can't go out for a leisurely

1:09

stroll to get your steps in

1:11

you can't sit on the back

1:13

porch with the sweetie honey. We

1:16

are choking down Yellow cocaine

1:18

aka pollen. It's not okay

1:20

We're all on anti

1:22

histamines methamphetamines and mikultras and

1:25

that's the way we like it

1:27

baby but it is it is

1:29

that blooming season spring has

1:31

sprung and we're gonna have to

1:33

fight it out hold on for

1:35

dear fucking life for the next

1:38

I'd say 11 days and then that

1:40

great storm will come and it

1:42

will wash away all the pollen

1:44

and all the hydranges will

1:46

be out and we'll all be at

1:48

the masters or we'll all be getting

1:51

on the cruise and then the next

1:53

thing you know What will we be

1:55

saying? He has risen. You didn't

1:57

think you didn't think Jesus

2:00

Mother Nature put that together. You

2:02

don't think that they sat back and

2:04

thought, you know what, this could be

2:06

good for our play, a little pollen,

2:08

and then the rain comes, washes it

2:11

away like what, the blood of Christ,

2:13

and then this, the flowers bloom, and

2:15

he has risen. Yeah, it all connects,

2:17

baby. Spring has sprung, the Lord is

2:20

here. We will crucify him very soon.

2:22

I won't. And I... tell Jesus all

2:24

the time just so you know if

2:26

I was there I would have been

2:29

like Judas did it bad he's there

2:31

he's right there and I'm not a

2:33

tattletailer but I'd be like he did

2:35

it right there bad don't like him

2:37

always had a bad feeling get out

2:40

of here bye so just letting you

2:42

know sir I would have had your

2:44

back and I would have been with

2:46

Mary Magdalene as they pulled the stone

2:49

away from the grave site and been

2:51

like I told you all I told

2:53

you all he said he was coming

2:55

back. Well, guess what? Where is he?

2:58

He's not in there. Is he in

3:00

there? No, I don't see him. Do

3:02

you see him? Yeah, call T.M.Z. Jesus

3:04

is risen and he's freaking hit in

3:07

the club. Yeah, he's out. It's Sunday.

3:09

He is in his Sunday best going

3:11

to have a good ass meal right

3:13

now. He is risen and you guys

3:16

doubted. Bye. See. Anyways, but yeah, spring

3:18

is here. It is so bad in

3:20

Atlanta right now, though. We are all

3:22

dying. My eyes are on fire. My

3:25

hands are itching. Poor Christina had a

3:27

full-on asthmatic episode in Raleigh, North Carolina.

3:29

I mean, it's all up the East

3:31

Coast. I'm praying for the people of

3:34

like Tuscaloosa, Jackson, Mississippi. Nashville, we're all

3:36

fighting for our life right now, but

3:38

it is particularly terrible terrible in Georgia.

3:40

But you know what? We know that

3:42

good things are around the corner. So

3:45

we sometimes you got to go through

3:47

seasons in your life where you fight

3:49

to the death. And then you emerge

3:51

a new person. And that's what we're

3:54

here for. A lot of things to

3:56

get into. Can't wait to hit the

3:58

hotline. And as always, if you're new

4:00

to this podcast, you can call into

4:03

our Absolutely Not Line. The number is

4:05

800, 2-1-3-7-5-0-3. Call in with anything that

4:07

you're going through. And we're going to

4:09

discuss it. Had a wonderful, absolutely incredible

4:12

weekend in Raleigh, North Carolina. One of

4:14

the best audiences I've had to date.

4:16

They were just on point. And speaking

4:18

of, he is risen. Oh, I was

4:21

asking the audience of anybody's handy plastic

4:23

surgery and this one gal, front row,

4:25

Molly, shout out to Molly, who's running

4:27

alive and well aesthetics. She's like, yeah,

4:30

come get Botox and Philor to live

4:32

and well aesthetics. And that's when I

4:34

made the joke. It's basically like, like...

4:36

I mean, who names their aesthetic spot

4:39

alive and well? It should be, bring

4:41

me your sick and tired, but you're

4:43

gonna, you're gonna reemerge alive and well

4:45

after you get a little Botoxin filler.

4:47

So I was making the joke of

4:50

he is risen. He is resin, aesthetics.

4:52

I love that. Very southern too. Saved

4:54

in the blood, Botoxin fillers. We love

4:56

that. is exciting. It's just it's a

4:59

fun time of year. We're going to

5:01

be in the Turks and Keko's for

5:03

Easter, post-cruise, we're going to be doing

5:05

the most, and I just love it.

5:08

I love that the weather's about to

5:10

get warm. We're all about to be

5:12

forced into wearing some sort of crop

5:14

top that Abercrumby's selling. I don't want

5:17

to do it, but I'm going to

5:19

do it. Yeah, you guys, I've been

5:21

doing one-on-ones. And this woman is tiny,

5:23

she is Israeli, and she doesn't fuck

5:26

around. And it has been intense. Every

5:28

muscle in my body is gonna fucking

5:30

her tomorrow. And I'm here for it.

5:32

This may be, give me till June,

5:35

okay, give me till June. We may

5:37

be in a crop top by June.

5:39

Give me till June. Guys, give me

5:41

till June. Everyone relax, but I'm putting

5:44

in that fucking work. Why? Because my

5:46

back hurts and I don't want to

5:48

be that person who has a hurt

5:50

back all the time. All right, what

5:52

else was happening. Had a great dinner

5:55

with some gals last night at Storico

5:57

Frisco. It was really awesome. We did

5:59

a charity event through Bert's Big Adventure,

6:01

Big Adventure Big Adventure. Two. Disney World.

6:04

You know, kids that might have medical

6:06

issues, kids that have diseases, and just

6:08

kids who deserve to go to Disney

6:10

World, get to go to Disney World

6:13

through Bird's Big Adventure. And I do

6:15

a lot of these charity dinners because

6:17

I love to be able to connect

6:19

one-on-one with folks. And so we did

6:22

a dinner at Storeco Frisco last night

6:24

with six of the coolest gals ever,

6:26

had so much fun. Turns out they

6:28

live in my neck of the woods,

6:31

so we took an Uber. girls in

6:33

this group got a Kia carnival and

6:35

they're like it's a minivan but it's

6:37

not and I have this is not

6:40

sponsored Kia's not paying me to say

6:42

this but I just want you to

6:44

know I found out more information about

6:46

this non this non minivan minivan from

6:49

Kia called the carnival I do believe

6:51

it is a carnival but they were

6:53

trying to make it feel exotic like

6:55

how you call target Tarjah but this

6:57

carnival looks like an absolute 10 out

7:00

of 10 investment. Truly shaped like a

7:02

minivan, but doesn't look like a minivan.

7:04

It's like, you know how a minivan

7:06

has a very curved top? Well, they

7:09

cut it, they cut it straight, and

7:11

then they raised the bottom. So it's

7:13

technically a minivan, but it's not. And

7:15

one of the gals in the group

7:18

said, Heather, I went to Chick-fil-A the

7:20

other day in the drive-through. And they

7:22

wrote on my receipt white SUV white

7:24

SUV. But I loved going to dinner

7:27

and drinking wine with these gals. and

7:29

they were just trying to convince me

7:31

that their Kia carnival was not a

7:33

minivan. And I'm like, this is what

7:36

I like to do on my days

7:38

off. This is how I like to

7:40

spend my time fighting with some suburban

7:42

housewives at my favorite Italian restaurant. It

7:45

does not get better than this. We

7:47

had a great time. The girls were

7:49

fantastic, so I want to give a

7:51

big shout out to Bird's Big Adventure.

7:54

What else? We're just, we're gearing up

7:56

for the cruise. I'm already laying out

7:58

my outfits. I'm packing up all my

8:00

stuff. I've been trying on all my

8:03

outfits from Show Me Your Moo. I'm

8:05

very excited. I'm excited to be on

8:07

the top deck. Feel the sun kissing

8:09

my skin. And having a cold drink

8:11

in my right hand and just thinking,

8:14

he is risen. I am excited for

8:16

that. It's Mother's Day coming up and

8:18

I know you're going to want to

8:20

get a fabulous gift for your mom.

8:23

Well, hey, maybe she is also going

8:25

through it through it or maybe. It's

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your best friend who's a new mom.

8:29

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this Mother's Day neutral fall makes the

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8:59

your mom's list and listen I think

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this is a great gift if you're

9:03

going to a baby shower and you

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want to bring the moms who are

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already getting stuff for your baby, bring

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9:43

gift. If you need a little refresh

9:46

for your spring wardrobe because we're all

9:48

trying to come into this new season

9:50

with fresh feelings and fresh style, well

9:52

then I highly suggest newly. Newly is

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a subscription clothing rental service that is

9:57

all about helping you have fun and

9:59

get creative with your style. Rending from

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newly lets me shift gears in my

10:04

wardrobe without a complete and completely expensive

10:06

overhaul. Every month I rent six items

10:08

from newly shared closet of thousands of

10:10

styles for everything I have going on.

10:13

And let me tell you, newly has

10:15

been so helpful especially because I've been

10:17

on tour. Like I don't need to

10:19

keep buying more shit. I need to

10:21

have six outfits once a month I

10:24

can wear them. as I'm like after

10:26

the show I can wear me the

10:28

meat and greets and then I have

10:30

a fresh outfit and I didn't spend

10:33

a ton of money and guess what

10:35

then it's eco-friendly and I can send

10:37

it back somebody else gets to enjoy

10:39

it I'm very into this I don't

10:42

need to be buying more things I

10:44

need to be enjoying and reusing and

10:46

having something in my closet that I

10:48

just feel like feels fresh And here's

10:51

the thing, dressy stuff for like occasions.

10:53

There's trending, going out, clothes, cute dresses,

10:55

casual tops, and premium jeans for hanging

10:57

out, jackets, vacation bits, you name it.

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How many weddings are about to come

11:02

up? A ton. So you know what

11:04

you need to do? Get a newly

11:06

subscription. You're probably going to have 10

11:09

events in one weekend. Well, there you

11:11

go. There are all your new outfits

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through your newly subscription. I also love

11:15

that I get to try out trending

11:18

styles, colors, and silhouettes, and then send

11:20

them back for something new. Newly takes

11:22

care of everything from shipping to laundry

11:24

and I can even pause without paying

11:26

a fee if I need to take

11:29

a break for any reason. Okay, here's

11:31

the deal you get. Your choice of

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any six styles each month and access

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I'd say for over more than 400

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laundering facility. And also if you love

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12:16

Ladies, let's take a minute to talk

12:18

about something important. In the epic words

12:20

of my 90s idols, salt and pepper,

12:23

let's talk about sex. Anyone who has

12:25

ever experienced infertility like I have will

12:27

get this. Sex is all you think

12:29

about. But that's okay, right? Because sex

12:31

is fun. But what if you didn't

12:34

want it anymore? What if you lost

12:36

your desire? Did you know that frustrating

12:38

low libido is a real medical condition?

12:40

It's called hypoactive sexual desire disorder or

12:43

known as HDDD. And for certain... Preminopausal

12:45

women, there is an FDA-approved treatment just

12:47

for it. It's called Addie, and it's

12:49

the number one prescribed treatment for HSDD.

12:52

In clinical trials, Addie was shown to

12:54

improved desire, reduced stress from low desire,

12:56

and increased the number of satisfying sexual

12:58

events. So don't be mad and sad

13:01

feeling bad thinking about the things that

13:03

you never had. God, salt and pepper

13:05

truly wore the Shakespeare of our generation.

13:07

Head over to Addie's website. at addyi.com

13:10

to see if Addie is right for

13:12

you. Addie, or Flavansarin, is for premenopausal

13:14

women with acquired generalized hypoactive sexual desire

13:16

disorder, HSDD, who have not had problems

13:19

with low sexual desire in the past,

13:21

who have low sexual desire no matter

13:23

the type of sexual activity, the situation,

13:25

or the sexual partner, the situation, or

13:28

the sexual partner, the low sexual partner,

13:30

the situation, or the low sexual partner,

13:32

the low sexual partner, the situation, or

13:34

the sexual partner, the low sexual partner,

13:36

the low sexual desire, the situation, or

13:39

the situation, or the sexual partner, the

13:41

sexual partner, the sexual partner, the sexual

13:43

partner, the sexual partner, the sexual partner,

13:45

the sexual partner, the low sexual partner,

13:48

the low sexual partner, the sexual partner,

13:50

the sexual partner, the sexual partner, the

13:52

sexual partner, the low sexual, the sexual

13:54

partner, the sexual partner, the sexual partner,

13:57

the sexual partner, the sexual partner, the,

13:59

the sexual partner, the sexual partner, the,

14:01

the sexual partner, the, the, the, or

14:03

the, or the sexual partner, before taking

14:06

out yet bedtime. Your risk of severe

14:08

low blood pressure and painting is also

14:10

increased if you take certain prescriptions, over-the-counter

14:12

or herbal medications, or have liver problems.

14:15

Low blood pressure and painting can happen

14:17

when you take Addie, even if you

14:19

don't drink alcohol or take other medicines.

14:21

Do not take if you are allergic

14:24

to any of the ingredients in Addie.

14:26

Allergic reactions may include hives, itching, or

14:28

trouble breathing. Slapiness, sometimes serious, can occur.

14:30

Common side effects include dizziness, nausea, tiredness,

14:33

difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep and

14:35

dry mouth. See full PI and medication

14:37

medication guide, including at Addie. That's addyi.com.

14:39

I'm also excited for kind of a

14:41

new a new group that I've recently

14:44

found called the Savannah Bananas. If you're

14:46

unfamiliar with the Savannah Bananas, you need

14:48

to go on Instagram or TikTok immediately.

14:50

The Savannah Bananas are taking the the

14:53

internet by storm, taking over the South

14:55

by storm. It's a baseball team that

14:57

is based out of Savannah. and they're

14:59

not just a regular baseball team. Not

15:02

only are these the most attractive men

15:04

I have ever fucking seen on this

15:06

planet, they make viral videos while also

15:08

playing baseball. Let me just explain to

15:11

you what they do. These guys are

15:13

all hot. They do backflips across the

15:15

field. Then they get up to bat,

15:17

hit a home run, and then they're

15:20

dancing like Charlie DiMelia. Hit in the

15:22

gritty just like it's nobody's business. They

15:24

have choreographed dances. They're doing flips like

15:26

Cirque Sallay, and they got Bay Ruth

15:29

Energy behind the plate. And I'm telling

15:31

you what, I don't know what these

15:33

guys are making, but we need to

15:35

give them a raise. And they're all

15:38

taking their shirts off, and I don't

15:40

mean to be an older woman, googling

15:42

and googling at these men, but Savannah

15:44

bananas. If you need a water girl,

15:46

you call me, okay? I'm just letting

15:49

you know. And they play this other

15:51

team called the party animals. They're all

15:53

so hot, they do the same stick.

15:55

Next thing you know, they're all... lip-syncing

15:58

Saline Dion and one guy's doing the

16:00

splits with his shirt off and then

16:02

he hits a home run and you're

16:04

like what the fuck is happening I'm

16:07

into it all I want you to

16:09

know is if you need a little

16:11

eye candy check out the Savannah bananas

16:13

and I'll let you I'll tell you

16:16

what right now they could do a

16:18

split on my face if you know

16:20

what I mean hello get that whipped

16:22

cream all over that that hump on

16:25

my back Oh,

16:27

but let's not forget, he has

16:29

risen. So, anyways, yeah, I don't

16:31

know what the deal is. I

16:33

don't know what this league is

16:36

that they're a part of, but

16:38

they're just like good baseball players

16:40

that maybe couldn't make it in

16:42

the MLB per se, or they

16:44

just took a different alternative route,

16:47

and they're hot, and they're jerked

16:49

her off, and it is a

16:51

fun, fun time. I'm taking Tina

16:53

to a Savannah banana game, and

16:56

we are gonna have our tits.

16:58

Oh, sorry about it, honey. You

17:00

ordered it your first, Jeff. Sorry

17:02

about it. All right, what else

17:04

is happening? We've just been having

17:07

a great week. Had great shows

17:09

in Raleigh. Was a little hung

17:11

over Sunday, not gonna lie. Had

17:13

some friends come in town to

17:16

the show in Raleigh, and then

17:18

we had a couple brew dogs

17:20

after her. Whoa, shout out to

17:22

this place called Brewery Bivana. Brewery

17:24

Bivana in Raleigh North Carolina needs

17:27

a Michelin Star. That was some

17:29

of the best Asian food I've

17:31

ever had in my life. We

17:33

didn't get to go to the

17:36

restaurant. I Googled it though. Stunning.

17:38

The aesthetics were immaculate. The food

17:40

was incredible. Raleigh's a really great

17:42

town. And it's the research triangle.

17:44

where you have all these smart

17:47

people who go to Duke, who

17:49

go to Wake Forest, who are

17:51

not too far away in Chapel

17:53

Hill, and in Sea State, and

17:55

all these great, just iconic, academic

17:58

establishments of North Carolina. would just,

18:00

you know, they're doing the research.

18:02

We got doctors, we got scientists,

18:04

we got people working on AI,

18:07

people building robots, and they're all

18:09

there. In North Carolina, just going,

18:11

Piper, no! Piper, no! And... He

18:13

was just a great. It's a

18:15

great city. It's great people. You

18:18

know the last time I was

18:20

there a gal was arrested after

18:22

the show and and I immediately

18:24

knew it was her because her

18:27

her mug shot was put up

18:29

on The the website, you know

18:31

the Raleigh Times if you will

18:33

and she's in a cheet-of-print shirt

18:35

with mascara running down her face.

18:38

So I was glad that everyone

18:40

behaved this time everyone was real

18:42

great time the meat and greed

18:44

afterwards was amazing. We just had

18:47

a really lovely show and I

18:49

was laughing my ass off. It

18:51

was so hot on that stage

18:53

though, and I'd forgotten the last

18:55

time I performed there, I got

18:58

really overheated. So if I was

19:00

actively dripping on you on the

19:02

front row, I want you to

19:04

know, I apologize. I was having

19:06

a hot flash. It was ultra-fucking

19:09

hot in that theater. But it's

19:11

a great town, a lot of

19:13

smart people. We ran into some

19:15

friends from LA that have been

19:18

working for like a defense fund.

19:20

I mean, we got a little

19:22

bit of the military. And then

19:24

we got Parker Posey just going,

19:26

Piper, no! Oh, that's great. I

19:29

love the South. I really do

19:31

love being Southern, but the pollen

19:33

is going to take us out.

19:35

And we can't do it. We

19:38

cannot do it. But you know,

19:40

sometimes you got to go through

19:42

hard times and God challenges you

19:44

to get through a full bottle

19:46

of Zyrtec before he's going to

19:49

let you know that you're saved.

19:51

Oh man, but you know spring

19:53

is here and then that means

19:55

summer and that means that I'm

19:58

gonna be in Portugal. I'm gonna

20:00

be eating tapas. I'm gonna be

20:02

drinking Vino Verde. Oh my god,

20:04

I love white wine on a

20:06

boat. Europe just sets me into

20:09

another dimension. I love it. I

20:11

love it. If anything ever happens

20:13

to me, where I am unable

20:15

to live out my best days,

20:18

the way I want to, I

20:20

want you to take me to

20:22

Europe, put me on a boat,

20:24

don't have to be a big

20:26

boat, put one last grilled prong

20:29

in my mouth, some sort of

20:31

fried potato. A little nucky and

20:33

take a nice chill, crisp, almost

20:35

frisante, white wine, and I want

20:37

you to let it, even if

20:40

I have a feeding tube, just

20:42

let it drizzle out of the

20:44

side of my mouth and then

20:46

push me off the fucking boat,

20:49

and that's it. And that's how

20:51

I'm going. As a Pisces, I

20:53

will return back to the water,

20:55

and if you've been watching this

20:57

new season of white Lotus, you

21:00

know it's full circle for everybody.

21:02

We come from the water, we

21:04

go back to the water, and

21:06

that's where I'll be. In the

21:09

Mediterranean, although the Portuguese, I think,

21:11

off the Atlantic, it is. Yeah,

21:13

it's okay. Take me to warmer

21:15

waters, you know, take me to

21:17

the warmest waters and then just

21:20

let me go. Oh, but wine

21:22

season's honest. I had my first

21:24

class of rosé of the season

21:26

last night at storico fresco, and

21:29

it was... Oh my God. My

21:31

tongue is getting tingly, just thinking

21:33

about it. I'm ready for a

21:35

white wine tonight, because we're gonna

21:37

go see a Broadway musical at

21:40

the Fox Theater, called Parade. It's

21:42

actually a very sad and thought-provoking

21:44

and kind of depressing musical, but

21:46

it's beautiful. But I'm gonna have

21:48

a white wine beforehand. Okay, anyways,

21:51

let's get to the voicemails, because

21:53

I wanna hear what y'all have

21:55

to say. I've been dying to

21:57

hear what you have to say.

22:00

I've missed you on your little

22:02

lips. I love seeing you at

22:04

the shows and let me tell

22:06

you something, the male energy that

22:08

has been coming to the Bamboozle

22:11

tour is, you guys get it.

22:13

Y'all are supportive kings. You're dressed

22:15

up. You look sharp. You're giggling.

22:17

You're there to support your queens

22:20

or your twinks. And I love

22:22

that. I love that. So every

22:24

every guy that came out to

22:26

the Bamboozle tour deserves a hand

22:28

job this weekend. Okay. So ladies

22:31

and gays. Get on it. Let's

22:33

get to the first voicemail. Hey

22:35

Heather, it's Stephanie in Ohio and

22:37

I don't know. I am just

22:40

calling with an absolutely not after

22:42

just seeing another famous comedian has

22:44

a movie coming out called The

22:46

Bread Winner. Excuse me? I don't

22:48

understand why this keeps happening. I

22:51

don't know if this is a

22:53

coincidence or if everyone just knows

22:55

how much of a fantastic genius

22:57

you are and... just keeps using

23:00

the same names for things you

23:02

come up with. I don't get

23:04

it, Heather. I don't get it,

23:06

but I am not here for

23:08

it. And in light of last

23:11

week's episode, like what wave do

23:13

we need to collapse? What is

23:15

happening in the universe that we

23:17

just need to collectively do something?

23:19

This just can't keep happening. I

23:22

just think it's ridiculous. So absolutely

23:24

not to that, but absolutely yes

23:26

to coming to see you in

23:28

Cincinnati this fall. I cannot freaking

23:31

wait. It's going to be amazing.

23:33

So anyway, just wanted to say

23:35

I'm cheering you on, rooting for

23:37

you. One of these days, you'll

23:39

get a show or a movie

23:42

that someone else doesn't steal the

23:44

name of. So love and light.

23:46

Bye. Love and light. Okay. I'd

23:48

like to be about with the

23:51

Savannah bananas. So what you're referring

23:53

to is Nate Brigetti, who's an

23:55

incredible comedian. I adore him. He's

23:57

coming out with a new movie

23:59

called The Bread Winner. Here's a

24:02

deal. Yeah, he's shooting in Atlanta.

24:04

I'm not going to say a

24:06

damn thing because I'm trying to

24:08

get a roll in that movie

24:11

All right, you know that there

24:13

has got to be some like

24:15

angry housewife role or some like,

24:17

you know schoolteacher who's got to

24:19

have a sassy scene with him

24:22

and I need I want that

24:24

gig I don't own the IP

24:26

to to the name breadwinner. You

24:28

know, and he's a huge star.

24:31

I don't think he's ever watched

24:33

my material. So he wouldn't know

24:35

that I just named my my

24:37

special breadwinner. But it is what

24:39

it is. There can be specials

24:42

named breadwinner. There can be movies

24:44

named breadwinner. There could be a

24:46

memoir named breadwinner. I don't own

24:48

it. I did trademark absolutely not,

24:50

though. Oh, yes. for

26:58

a free trial and when you're ready

27:00

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28:30

advertisement, insurance is underwritten by

28:32

either Independence American Insurance Company

28:34

or United States Fire Insurance

28:36

Company and produced by PTZ

28:38

Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA

28:40

is on insurance or is

28:43

not engaged in the business of

28:45

insurance. I have been doing a clean

28:47

refresh for spring and I'll tell you

28:49

what I was so glad that I

28:51

got rid of all the shitty plastic

28:54

that I had for cookware. I had

28:56

stuff that was lined with Teflon. Plastic

28:58

reusable bins that have just Leaking into

29:00

my food, leaching with those PFAs and

29:02

all those toxic chemicals. And that's why

29:04

I switched over to caraway home. The

29:07

amount of plastic and brain samples has

29:09

increased from 50% since 2016, which is

29:11

terrifying. And a single scratch on Teflon

29:13

cookware can release over 9,000 microplastic particles.

29:16

That's why I love caraway.

29:18

Careaway cookware is the best.

29:20

I use all of their

29:22

storage for food. It is

29:24

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29:26

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29:28

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29:34

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29:36

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29:39

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29:41

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29:43

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29:45

$150 for buying the items individually.

29:48

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29:52

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29:54

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29:59

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30:01

checkout. Careway non-toxic cookware made modern. You

30:03

will thank me later, I'm telling you,

30:05

this is also a great gift that

30:07

you could give for spring refresh, a

30:10

home gift, or for Mother's Day. Make

30:12

sure the people in your life that

30:14

you love are cooking on non-toxic cookware.

30:16

So again, that's Careway Home. I use

30:18

the cutting boards. I use all the

30:20

food containers and I'm obsessed with all

30:23

the pots and pans. It's just a

30:25

game changer. Again. I sold another TV

30:27

show, very excited about it. We pitched

30:29

it last week. I don't know if

30:31

we're going to continue pitching it, but

30:33

we got a yes. We got a

30:35

yes, and we're very excited about it.

30:38

Now again, we have been down this

30:40

road. So I've sold two different TV

30:42

shows before. It was good grief, then

30:44

good grief turned into I can't right

30:46

now. And now this working title is

30:48

called Mississippi Queen. I really hope that

30:51

this show gets picked up, but now

30:53

basically what happens is we get paid

30:55

to write a pilot, we develop it,

30:57

and then we hope that it gets

30:59

made. I have a feeling, dishes still

31:01

won! Y'all, I was on my walk,

31:03

right? Before the pollen got bad. I

31:06

was on my walk, before the pitch,

31:08

the day of the pitch. And I'm

31:10

out there and I got my weighted

31:12

vest on, I'm waving to the neighbors.

31:14

Also side note, this very attractive man

31:16

keeps just appearing in my neighborhood, he

31:19

has on no shirt. ripped fucking abs

31:21

and the other day he was walking

31:23

with no shoes as jovial and joyful

31:25

as one could be big smile on

31:27

his face waving I figured he was

31:29

walking to like a buddy's house I've

31:32

never seen him before I sidebar texted

31:34

a couple of the ladies in my

31:36

neighborhood and they're like don't know who

31:38

he is I'm not mad at it

31:40

he had no shoes on but seemed

31:42

happy as a fucking clam and had

31:44

a great body so I'm like even

31:47

if you're going to rob somebody blind

31:49

not mad at it like you do

31:51

you do you but I was walking

31:53

through the neighborhood and I have this

31:55

playlist. Because the way I kind of

31:57

write things as I always have. a

32:00

very specific playlist in mine of how

32:02

I want like the show to be

32:04

curated and I'm listening to my songs

32:06

and they're all songs that my dad

32:08

introduced me to at some point and

32:10

this show is not about my dad

32:13

but regardless and it was kind of

32:15

just like this like okay all right

32:17

moment I'm getting my exercise and calming

32:19

myself down before the big pitch and

32:21

the big pitch and the lead character

32:23

is named after a friend of mine

32:25

from college but I'm gonna play this

32:28

character is nothing like this person's namesake

32:30

I just love her name and right

32:32

before I got on the pitch the

32:34

zoom to pitch I went on Instagram

32:36

and I was like oh my god

32:38

it's her birthday and so I sent

32:41

her a happy birthday note and I

32:43

was like that's got to be a

32:45

good sign and then we sold the

32:47

show so all the stars were aligning

32:49

I don't know what the hot Shoeless

32:51

man had to do with it, but

32:54

he was sending good vibes. He may

32:56

have been a Guardian Angel, I don't

32:58

know. And I was listening to Mississippi

33:00

Queen. You know what I mean. If

33:02

you've never heard the song, Mississippi Queen,

33:04

by Mountain, you need to listen to

33:06

it right now. I want you to

33:09

turn it on. And I want you

33:11

to tell me if the first 10

33:13

seconds of that song doesn't send a

33:15

chill down your spine. And if you

33:17

can't see, okay, I want you imagine,

33:19

lights go up, cameraizes. You see a

33:22

woman on a Mississippi River boat, she's

33:24

got crunchy blonde hair, she's putting out

33:26

a menthol cigarette. She's about to grab

33:28

a microphone, a light hits her, bam,

33:30

and she's singing, while that song is

33:32

coming up. We have a cold open,

33:34

and then hit the credits, Mississippi Queen,

33:37

dare, nir, nir, nir, I mean, it's

33:39

fucking good, it's great. Go with me

33:41

here, dair, nir, nir, and when you

33:43

listen to the song, you'll get what

33:45

I'm talking what I'm talking about, you'll

33:47

get what I'm talking about. I also,

33:50

since I've been making these playlists, wonder

33:52

would you guys ever want me to

33:54

share these playlists? Maybe I'll do that.

33:56

Maybe I'll make a Spotify playlist of

33:58

like my fantasy, my fantasy movie moments

34:00

and just share this music. with you,

34:03

you may hate some of it or

34:05

you may love it. But Muse came

34:07

on the other day and if you

34:09

have not listened to Black holes and

34:11

revelations, it is from the beginning that

34:13

album starts, Muse, M-U-S-E, is the band.

34:15

From the beginning of that album starts

34:18

it's like something takes over you I

34:20

imagine it could have been the soundtrack

34:22

for like a doom Spinoff or something.

34:24

It's just good. So I'm driving in

34:26

the car cars covered in pollen I'm

34:28

like driving home from the airport had

34:31

a great weekend of shows I'm driving

34:33

home to see my honey and I'm

34:35

playing this like creepy soundtrack in my

34:37

car just visualizing You know what I

34:39

mean? Like rain man. Like all the

34:41

things are swirling. The thing is collapsing.

34:44

What are we trying to get to

34:46

collapse? The wave is collapsing. And it

34:48

was all clicking. I was like, oh

34:50

no, this is happening. I was like,

34:52

did I jump the matrix? Oh no,

34:54

this is happening. I was like, did

34:56

I jump the matrix? Oh no, this

34:59

is happening. Oh no, this is happening.

35:01

I was like, did I jump the

35:03

matrix? Oh no, this is happening. Oh

35:05

no. Oh no. That's

35:07

a thing so much shit is filming

35:10

in Atlanta right now, and my agent

35:12

has not called me back on any

35:14

of it You know, and actually that's

35:16

concerning But I love that you all

35:19

have my back. I really do and

35:21

here's the thing I'm a little bit

35:23

of a marketing genius You know what

35:25

I mean? I'm a little bit of

35:27

a marketing genius. So You know it

35:30

is what it is. I have great

35:32

taste clearly What

35:35

else did I do this weekend? Oh

35:37

after I got back in on Sunday

35:39

I went and popped into my buddy

35:41

Adam Ray show He's gonna be on

35:44

the cruise with us. He's incredible and

35:46

it is so wild because he became

35:48

very famous He's an incredible comedian one

35:50

of the I would say genuinely one

35:52

of the funniest guys I have ever

35:55

met and He's really getting his moment

35:57

in the sun right now, which is

35:59

so well deserved, but he really kind

36:01

of popped off into another stratosphere with

36:04

this Dr. Phil character that he does.

36:06

And so I went to his show,

36:08

he asked me to come be a

36:10

guest. Now his audience does not know

36:12

me. My audience is learning about him.

36:15

Does I come out on stage? It

36:17

is all men. There were four wives

36:19

in the audience who go fucking nuts.

36:21

Heather! And every dude is just like,

36:23

oh, I thought fucking Shane Gillis was

36:26

going to come out. They were all

36:28

like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. It's not

36:30

Rogan, fuck. And I just come out

36:32

and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna

36:34

show you my twat, let's go. But

36:37

Adam is the best. So he is

36:39

coming on the cruise and I said,

36:41

listen, I know that you may be

36:43

a little like anxious about my audience.

36:46

They're gonna fucking love you. This is

36:48

the way I feel about coming out

36:50

to your audience. Like. I love introducing

36:52

y'all to fantastic people and you should

36:54

know Adam because he's a great guy.

36:57

But either way, did that show, it

36:59

was a fucking riot, we had so

37:01

much fun, and I mean that show

37:03

is wild. And if you get a

37:05

chance to see him on the road,

37:08

please go see his show. Whether it's

37:10

him as Adam Ray or him as

37:12

Dr. Phil, he puts on a two-hour

37:14

performance in full drag as Dr. Phil

37:16

and it's insane. But that was really

37:19

fun. And I love going into other

37:21

people's shows too because, you know, you

37:23

got it. Listen, you got to do

37:25

shit. You got to get out there

37:28

and you got to spread your wings

37:30

if you want to be a Mississippi

37:32

Queen! Just listen to that song. And

37:34

then I will make up Spotify playlist

37:36

tomorrow and I'll upload it and I'll

37:39

add it to Instagram stories and then

37:41

I'll allow you guys to get on

37:43

the same wavelength I'm getting on. I

37:45

want you to take a gummy. Get

37:47

in bed. And I will make sure

37:50

that as soon as you hit play,

37:52

you're going to another stratosphere. But folks

37:54

do ask how I write, and I

37:56

usually write with music in mind first,

37:59

and I'm not, I'm not, I don't

38:01

understand music. I did, it's a feeling.

38:03

It's a feeling thing. What am I

38:05

talking about? All right, let's go to

38:07

the next voicemail. calling from Boston with

38:10

an absolutely yes, which is the cruise

38:12

coming up. I'm going on the cruise

38:14

by myself. I've never taken a solo

38:16

vacation. I'm a little nervous, but I

38:18

know you're putting on one hell of

38:21

a party and I know I'm going

38:23

to have the best time. I cannot

38:25

wait to just wake up with no

38:27

alarm, so excited to relax. enjoy the

38:29

pool and just soak in a ton

38:32

of giggles and cocktails. Again, just so

38:34

excited. Kind of going through it right

38:36

now, recently had a break up, and

38:38

as sad as I am, I honestly

38:41

think this will be the therapy I

38:43

need. So absolutely yes, to the crews

38:45

and just all the hard work, you

38:47

know, you, Tina, everyone else is doing

38:49

behind the scenes just to make this

38:52

an amazing trip for all of us.

38:54

Love and appreciate you Heather and cannot

38:56

wait to see you in a few

38:58

weeks Listen girlfriend. We are pumped to

39:00

have you When I first started touring

39:03

I had a lot of gals that

39:05

would reach out to me and say

39:07

hey You know one of my girlfriends

39:09

can't make it is it awkward to

39:11

go to the shows alone I'm like

39:14

no Come it's a community like you're

39:16

gonna make friends and so many people

39:18

over your shot about being a solo

39:20

traveler on the cruise and let me

39:23

tell you're gonna make so many vacation

39:25

friends and I want to encourage Every

39:27

grown adult listening to this fucking podcast.

39:29

If you ever see somebody sitting by

39:31

themselves at a show or sitting on

39:34

the Lido deck by themselves, you go

39:36

over to them, put your hand out

39:38

like you're running for fucking governor of

39:40

Ohio. And you say, hey, the name

39:42

Charlotte, what's your name, cutie? Great to

39:45

meet you. All right, we're making friends.

39:47

It is already hard enough to make

39:49

friends as an adult. But... You give

39:51

me a peanut colata, fresh air, and

39:53

a good time, and we're gonna be

39:56

scissoring before you know it. I will

39:58

say. I do want to give a

40:00

big shot, there's a lot of lesbians

40:02

coming on the ship, and do not

40:05

get so aggressive on those solo travelers.

40:07

Just because you see a woman sitting

40:09

by herself for a moment catching her

40:11

breath does not mean you can get

40:13

in there and take a bite, but

40:16

also if she's into it, fucking go

40:18

for it. Challenge accepted. I kid, you

40:20

know, I'm joking. But I love that

40:22

you're coming out and doing something for

40:24

yourself. And also, listen, I hate that

40:27

you're going through a breakup. And

40:29

remember, he is risen. Okay? Okay?

40:31

Honey, you guys think y'all are

40:33

going through it. Just imagine if

40:35

you're J.C. knowing he was about

40:37

to get crucified for the dumb

40:39

shit that we're all doing. Don't

40:41

love that I made an Easter

40:43

joke there, but it's either way.

40:46

I'm sorry that you're going through

40:48

a breakup. I will say the

40:50

best thing for a breakup is

40:52

to keep yourself occupied. Go make

40:54

some new friends, go have a

40:56

giggle, go see a hundred comedy

40:58

shows on this cruise, go to

41:00

karaoke, do some basket weaving, do

41:02

a sip and paint with Robin,

41:04

go hit the casinos, win a

41:06

couple hundred bucks, and fill yourself

41:08

at a buffet. That's what you

41:10

need to do. But remember, it's

41:12

spring. A lot of people are

41:14

going to be going through a

41:16

bunch of different changes. It's that

41:18

time of year. People are graduating.

41:20

They're going to the next chapter.

41:23

Things that were dormant, feelings that

41:25

were dormant, are now going to

41:27

be explored and pushed outward. It's

41:29

an itchy time, physically, emotionally. I'm

41:31

scratching my eyes. I'm scratching my

41:33

throat, but I'm also internally... I

41:35

also have bubble guts. It's a

41:37

weird time for a lot of

41:39

folks. But we're going to make

41:41

the most... of those anxious feelings.

41:43

And whether you're on the top

41:45

deck of the ship or you're

41:47

on the back row at a

41:49

show, we're going to grab hands

41:51

and we're going to yell. Just,

41:53

we're just going to yell. Miss,

41:55

I say, pray quayin. And that's

41:57

all we're going to do. Because

42:00

that's all we can do. Breakups

42:02

are tough. Breakups are tough. I

42:04

remember in college, the amount of

42:06

times, I broke up with a

42:08

man that was not my boyfriend.

42:10

And he would do horrific things

42:12

and I'd be like, sure, come

42:14

on over, that's fine, yeah, you

42:16

can finger me. I mean, it

42:18

was just like the bullshit that

42:20

we would put up with over

42:22

and over again. And granted, I

42:24

did not think this relationship was

42:26

going anywhere. And he didn't even

42:28

know that we were in a

42:30

relationship, so that was also kind

42:32

of on me. I think I

42:34

gasped him to think he was

42:37

my boyfriend, but regardless, man, breakups

42:39

are, they're gnarly. You spend and

42:41

invest all this time with a

42:43

person and then they either turn

42:45

out to be somebody that you

42:47

That surprised you turned out to

42:49

be somebody completely different than who

42:51

you thought you got in the

42:53

relationship with or just Sometimes things

42:55

just don't work out So we

42:57

can feel very scary. Here's what

42:59

I would tell you. Do not

43:01

isolate yourself. All right? There's nothing

43:03

worse than when you see a

43:05

girlfriend or a girlfriend who's been

43:07

broken up with yes You're allowed

43:09

to cry for two days not

43:11

leave the house Watch sad movies

43:14

eat your weight in as many

43:16

cheesy carby crunchy snacks as you

43:18

can and then then after two

43:20

days 48 hours. We got to

43:22

wrap it up. We got to

43:24

go out. We got to shake

43:26

it off We got to touch

43:28

grass You know we got to

43:30

at least put on pants and

43:32

go to a drive-through. No more

43:34

somebody dropping off food to your

43:36

house Unless it's your friends, but

43:38

you know what I mean. No

43:40

more door dash. No no no

43:42

no no we're gonna put on

43:44

pants and we're gonna Apietti, which

43:46

is Italian for start walking, we're

43:48

gonna Apietti and we're gonna get

43:51

in the car and go have

43:53

human connection. Because the one thing

43:55

we're not gonna do is what?

43:57

We're not gonna isolate. Thank you

43:59

very. good boys and girls that

44:01

was great and I know that's

44:03

easy for me to say well

44:05

how they're easy for you to

44:07

say don't isolate because you have

44:09

never had any sort of I

44:11

don't know quiet thoughts in your

44:13

brain before you've never been an

44:15

introvert I am I have moments

44:17

where I have to be quiet

44:19

but it's after I'm overstimulated and

44:21

it's when I hide in the

44:23

basement for my mom And

44:26

I'm like, mom, just the other day, I love

44:28

her, I love her so much, but I don't

44:30

get a break. You know what I mean? I

44:32

don't get a break. And yesterday, I was dealing

44:34

with some shit, work was busy, all this stuff,

44:37

we have construction at the house, we were cleaning,

44:39

doing spring cleaning, you know, trying to get ready

44:41

for the cruise, there was a million balls in

44:43

the area yesterday. And my mom just kept nagging

44:45

me and nagging, I finally said, mom, mom, mom,

44:47

I love you know, I love you, I love,

44:49

I love, I love, I love, I love, I

44:51

love, I love her, I love her, I love

44:53

her, I love her, I love her, I love

44:55

her, I love her, I love her, I love

44:57

her, I love her, I love her, I love

44:59

her, I love her, I love her, I love

45:01

her, I love her, I love her, I love

45:03

her, I love her, I, I am a ghost,

45:05

I am hovering, if you hear my little feet,

45:07

a peetti across the kitchen floor, I am not

45:09

here. That lasted three and a half minutes before

45:11

you say, hey, let me show you this thing

45:13

I saw on the YouTubes. So some days I

45:16

do need to shut it down and be isolated.

45:18

Okay? But you got to recalibrate your thoughts, go

45:20

into your cocoon, watch your shows, feel the feelings,

45:22

and then you got to get back out there.

45:24

You know, and I did learn this

45:27

great thing in therapy. That's like sometimes

45:29

you need to tell your friends to

45:31

like hey I don't need action steps

45:33

right now I don't need support. I

45:36

just need you to listen And I

45:38

love that Because I'm always gonna try

45:40

and fix it. I'm always gonna try

45:43

and fix it I'm always gonna be

45:45

like all right I can fix my

45:47

own problems. I can fix it. Let's

45:50

do it And sometimes you just need

45:52

to be real with your friends and

45:54

say, hey, I need to bitch. For

45:57

the next 15 minutes, I'm going to

45:59

say the most horrific shit you have

46:01

ever heard. I am going to read

46:04

my ex-boyfriend to filth. I'm going to

46:06

say shit about his family that if

46:08

they ever heard this... We would all

46:10

be deported immediately. Like I'm gonna say

46:13

some fucked up shit and I want

46:15

no judgment and I want you to

46:17

let me say it and then we're

46:20

gonna have one cigarette together and then

46:22

we'll never talk about it again. Just

46:24

be real with your friends. Let them

46:27

know that's the energy that you're coming

46:29

to with this moment. They can handle

46:31

it. They'll probably be sitting there in

46:34

agreement like we thought the same thing.

46:36

Yeah, the brother was a fucking creep.

46:38

I agree. Oh yeah, oh the dad,

46:40

dude, the dad is absolutely doing something

46:43

illegal. There's no way they have two

46:45

lake houses. Oh yeah, and we all

46:47

knew he had a tiny dick. Yeah,

46:50

we were trying to tell you that,

46:52

but you wouldn't listen to us. You

46:54

know, it's the stages of grief. You

46:57

get sad, you get confused, and then

46:59

you get angry. But instead of getting

47:01

angry towards that person by like doing

47:04

something bad that would... Put you in

47:06

jail. You're just going to say horrible

47:08

things in the safe space of talking

47:11

to your friends for 15 minutes. You're

47:13

going to get it out. Then you

47:15

have a white wine. And then you're

47:17

going to move on. OK? That's what

47:20

I like. But solo travelers. Don't isolate

47:22

yourself on the boat. Don't isolate yourself

47:24

at the shows. Come in. Everybody. I

47:27

want us to treat this like we

47:29

are at a we're at a convention

47:31

where we are all sales people. Hey,

47:34

what's what's your name? Kelsey, Kelsey, nice

47:36

to me. I'm Heather McMahon Atlanta, Georgia,

47:38

where are you local to? Fantastic Pittsburgh,

47:41

love Pittsburgh, go stillers. All right, that's

47:43

the energy I want. Everyone's gonna be

47:45

mingling and scissoring and having the time

47:47

of their life. All right, here we

47:50

go, next voicemail. Hey Heather, my name

47:52

is Brittany. I live in Arizona, I'm

47:54

about to let my pits off when

47:57

heat arrives. But I am originally from

47:59

Kentucky, which I know have a special

48:01

place in your heart. So I'm actually

48:04

going about something that I do not

48:06

know is an absolutely not or an

48:08

absolutely yes. So I'm calling to seek

48:11

your wisdom, guidance, and your realness. about

48:13

high school reunions? Are we going to

48:15

these? So my 20 years coming up

48:18

in BSE, Kentucky, and I don't know,

48:20

do I go? Because I feel like

48:22

social media has really changed this type

48:24

of event. Like I know my classmate

48:27

Kevin and Marilyn May are having issues

48:29

because he's, you know, probably stepped out

48:31

on the marriage with Courtney. And I

48:34

learned. all of that from social media

48:36

and there's no judgment because you know

48:38

I put it all out there too.

48:41

I'm one meant to be from posting

48:43

my weird mold. I mean what do

48:45

we talk about? That's a good topic

48:48

but should we? And it's not like

48:50

I can go there and show off

48:52

a banking bud. Like I got a

48:54

four-year-old and saggy titties and they just

48:57

keep getting lower. It's not like I

48:59

have time to show off anything to

49:01

show off anything and make people jealous.

49:04

Brantly for popping my bra strap in

49:06

fifth grade and you know here like

49:08

I said these titties are hanging low

49:11

So anything anyway, what's what's your vice?

49:13

What things should one consider? What are

49:15

your parameters? Are you going to go

49:18

to yours? Yeah, let me know I'm

49:20

going to see you in April for

49:22

the third time. So I'm so excited

49:25

love you so much. Bye All right,

49:27

I think you've already worked through it

49:29

in your brain though, that you're going.

49:31

Because the amount of drama and gossip

49:34

that you just spilled in the first

49:36

10 seconds of this voicemail means you

49:38

are itching to see it live in

49:41

person. You want to see the drama,

49:43

IRL. Am I going to my 20-year

49:45

reunion? It is my 20-year reunion this

49:48

year. Girl, not only am I going,

49:50

I'm on the planning committee. I shouldn't

49:52

be on the planning committee, but my

49:55

best friend Anne Marie Marie. whose this

49:57

is her job refuses to be on

49:59

social media so you know who has

50:01

to the stalking me. So my bestie,

50:04

our other bestie, Mary Beth and Katie,

50:06

we're the ones dividing and conquering and

50:08

getting to poke everybody on Facebook being

50:11

like, hey blast from the past. Hey

50:13

Mark, you haven't seen me in 20

50:15

years. Guess what? Are you free? Such

50:18

and such date? Because we're going to

50:20

be getting fucked up. And Annie was

50:22

like, well, I'll get on social media.

50:25

I said bitch, it's too late. I

50:27

found everybody. And my friend Mary is

50:29

so good at finding obscure shit on

50:32

the internet. I didn't know how to

50:34

navigate LinkedIn. I don't understand that world.

50:36

It's corporate America. Mary used to be

50:38

corporate America. So she's finding everybody on

50:41

the LinkedIn. And I don't know that

50:43

when you look up somebody on LinkedIn

50:45

and notifies them how many times you've

50:48

looked at their profile. So I had

50:50

to learn that the hard way one

50:52

night after taking a lot of gummies.

50:55

Go to the reunions. If anything. At

50:57

all, you will leave feeling better about

50:59

yourself. You know what I mean? What's

51:02

the worst that's gonna happen? Honestly, what's

51:04

the worst that's gonna happen? You show

51:06

up and realize it to people who

51:08

are ducie are still kind of ducie,

51:11

but now they've just like put on

51:13

20 pounds? You gotta be fine. And

51:15

if you had a good relationship with

51:18

high school, I had a good relationship

51:20

with it. I was like... I've, shit

51:22

I have left in the past, I've

51:25

left in the past, but I had

51:27

a, I had a fun time. I

51:29

really did, I was involved in kind

51:32

of everything, so I was a chameleon,

51:34

I kind of float from the drama

51:36

club, over to the soccer field, back

51:39

to, you know, the dance team back

51:41

over here, to student body, like I

51:43

just kind of flowed, but I also

51:45

went to a small school where we

51:48

had all known each other since kindergarten.

51:50

So we were like family, you know,

51:52

I talked to these people all the

51:55

people all the people all the time.

51:57

But there's nothing more exciting. One,

52:00

just going back to have that,

52:02

oh my god moment, can you

52:04

believe it's been 20 years? With

52:06

two, to have, I love going

52:08

down memory lane and having those

52:10

funny moments. I don't suggest showing

52:12

up with a chip on your

52:14

shoulder, wanting to find that bitch,

52:16

who fucking told you she thought

52:18

your shoes were fucking ugly, like,

52:20

don't go in with that energy.

52:22

That's the energy you're gonna go

52:24

in with, then don't waste your

52:26

time. then living well is the

52:28

best revenge. But I said you

52:30

put on a little black dress

52:33

and you show up and you

52:35

let them know what's good in

52:37

Arizona. And here's the thing, you

52:39

have been sweating in Arizona, which

52:41

means you know your skin is

52:43

good. Girl, that skin is so

52:45

good. And yes, all of us

52:47

have tits that are going down

52:49

to the floor, but give yourself

52:51

a little grace. Honey, there's nothing

52:53

that a skims bra, a pair

52:55

of spanks. And a little lateraleral

52:57

can't do to get you zipping

52:59

and zopping. right to that reunion.

53:01

And you know, you're going back

53:03

to Kentucky, so a couple people

53:05

never left the form. You know

53:07

what I'm saying? I love a

53:09

good study of characters, so I'm

53:11

going back because I want to

53:13

see what folks have been up

53:15

to you. And Tina and Jeff

53:17

grew up together, and they have

53:20

their high school reunion in June.

53:22

And Tina was like, Jeff, we're

53:24

going. He's like, I don't care.

53:26

I thought my best friends. And

53:28

I was like, oh no, we're

53:30

going. Because I want to see

53:32

Christina on a dance floor, twerk

53:34

with this, doing the stanky leg

53:36

with that look on her face

53:38

with all the hot Dominican guys.

53:40

Like I want to see that

53:42

go down. And I also want

53:44

to walk around with Jeff and

53:46

just kind of suss out who

53:48

he may or probably did not

53:50

date in high school. I want

53:52

to be like, oh, oh, did

53:54

you go to home coming with

53:56

my man? What's your name? What's

53:58

your name? Oh, okay, what do

54:00

you do? You do medical research?

54:02

Oh, wow, that's a great. great

54:04

job and you're doing a lot

54:07

for the community. Okay, I'll back

54:09

off. I'll back off. Yeah, is

54:11

that your real hair? Oh, you

54:13

do neutral fall too. Yeah, me

54:15

too. You do cool. It looks

54:17

great. You're having success. Like, I

54:19

wanna go. I wanna go and

54:21

suss out the scene. I wanna

54:23

wedding crash other people's reunions. That's

54:25

actually would be so much fun

54:27

to show up to a 20th

54:29

reunion and act like you were

54:31

a part of the crew and

54:33

no one remembers remembers remembers remembersers

54:35

you. Maybe you show up with

54:37

a German accent. Oh, yes, you

54:39

know, I was just a study

54:41

abroad girl. Yes, it's me Yes,

54:43

Leslie from Frankfurt. You remember I

54:45

blew you behind the bleachers at

54:47

homecoming. You don't remember. You don't

54:49

remember. Wow. Okay. That's that hurts

54:51

my feelings. I mean you could

54:54

really have some fun with it

54:56

Maybe we'll start doing that going

54:58

to other high school reunions Maybe

55:00

go to a random high school

55:02

20 year reunion and also put

55:04

out the vibe there Because you

55:06

know everyone's gonna be the same

55:08

age There's gonna be a couple

55:10

divorces in the audience. That's not

55:12

a bad place and you can

55:14

go in there anonymously There is

55:16

no pressure because you're not trying

55:18

to impress these people and you

55:20

stir the pot and you get

55:22

the goss and that's a really

55:24

quick way to learn about people

55:26

You know, you're in line, you're

55:28

getting a little taco, you're getting

55:30

a little margarita. Hey, so, hey

55:32

girl, it's so good to see

55:34

you. I don't even remember me.

55:36

Yeah, I'm Heather. Yeah, I was

55:38

only there for like half a

55:41

semester, senior year. I know. Who

55:43

did you date again? And the

55:45

girls gonna be like, oh my

55:47

God. I dated Scott, you remember,

55:49

he was on the football team,

55:51

he was so gorgeous. Yeah, I

55:53

mean he still looks really good

55:55

at prison did him well, but

55:57

not a good guy And then

55:59

you're like, perfect. I don't check

56:01

that off the list. I don't

56:03

have to try and flirt with

56:05

Scott, because guess what? I already

56:07

got the T. He's a bad

56:09

dude. You could learn a lot

56:11

about people. You're putting out the

56:13

vibe at the bar. So guys,

56:15

whatever, who do you think's been

56:17

the most successful from high school?

56:19

And everyone's like, well, obviously it's

56:21

Ted. And you're like, where's Ted?

56:23

I don't see him. Yeah, he's

56:25

over there. You're getting so much

56:28

downloaded information by going to a

56:30

high school reunion, and you can

56:32

play dumb. It's easy to try

56:34

and play catch up. I don't

56:36

remember, guys, it was 20 years

56:38

ago. It's like selective amnesia. How

56:40

do you guys remember this? I

56:42

don't remember. I do not remember.

56:44

Everyone has name tags. Hello. God,

56:46

sometimes when I'm struck with an

56:48

idea from the Lord, it's just

56:50

like, you can't stop me. If

56:53

you're cruising for random dick and random

56:55

pussy, I say go to a 20-year

56:57

reunion. And if you're married and going

56:59

to your 20-year reunion, do not be

57:01

cruising for random dick and random pussy.

57:03

Okay? I am in charge of planning

57:05

ours, so Mary, I know you'll listen

57:07

to this episode. We gotta get on

57:09

it. But I'm pumped. I'm gonna be

57:11

there with rollerblades on. And I'm double

57:14

upset that I have to get my

57:16

neck revised because then I don't think

57:18

it'll be a snatch I may still

57:20

be a little swollen at the reunion

57:22

and I I Thought I'd have a

57:24

year to recover but now because we

57:26

got to go in there and tighten

57:28

a couple loose screws I am very

57:30

insecure about that, but you know what

57:32

we're gonna go in there and I'm

57:34

just gonna Let them know I'm still

57:36

just as much of a thirst monster

57:39

as I was back then No backstage

57:41

at Adam's show I ran into a

57:43

buddy of mine and my friend's little

57:45

brother and he was like, oh my

57:47

God, my mom was still asking about

57:49

you because I dated this guy's brother

57:51

and I was like, oh my God,

57:53

it was kind of, I already had

57:55

one of those blasts from the past

57:57

this past weekend and it's wild. I

57:59

love it. I love having that moment.

58:02

And then you leave it all there. Leave

58:04

it on the dance floor. And

58:06

go back to your families and

58:08

just be like, we're doing okay.

58:10

If anything, go to your reunion

58:12

to make yourself feel better. Do

58:15

it. Because you know you're going

58:17

to be kicking yourself if you

58:19

don't go. And if you're single

58:21

and you don't want to go,

58:23

who's like, oh, I'm single,

58:25

whatever. Go and cruise and cruise

58:28

and pick up some dong. So

58:30

absolutely not finding out your boyfriend

58:32

has a wife. I found out because I'm

58:34

the FBI part of the female Bureau

58:36

of Investigation that he's still legally married.

58:38

So I called him to my house

58:41

and I confronted him like Chris Hansen.

58:43

I was like, take a seat there.

58:45

And I laid out all the evidence

58:47

and he acted like he had no

58:49

idea that he's still been married for

58:51

a full two years since he told me

58:53

that he got divorced. Insane.

58:55

But absolutely yes, only

58:58

wasting a few months

59:00

on this complete psycho.

59:03

So now I've opened myself

59:05

up for the man

59:07

who I'm actually supposed

59:09

to do it. Love you

59:11

Heather. Bye. Oh my god. Are

59:13

you fucking kidding me? Also,

59:16

I love him. He's like, I

59:18

had no idea. Oh my god,

59:20

I'm still married? I'm married? What?

59:23

Huh? Who is she? Talk about

59:26

selective amnesia there.

59:28

Huh? Where am I? It's hot

59:30

in here. These guys are

59:33

fucking idiots. Wow. Wow.

59:36

Wow. Wow. Girlfriend, I am

59:38

so sorry. That is,

59:40

I don't even have

59:42

words for that except,

59:44

that's fucked. The

59:46

audacity in some of

59:48

these men. Again. Do

59:52

they not realize that we

59:54

are always 10 steps

59:56

ahead? I am 10

59:58

steps ahead every woman

1:00:00

is 10 steps ahead.

1:00:02

Who is 10 steps

1:00:05

ahead? Mary Magdalene. She

1:00:07

knew that he was

1:00:09

going to rise. We

1:00:11

are all 10 steps

1:00:13

ahead. If you told

1:00:16

me that you're you're

1:00:18

widowed and your ex-wife

1:00:20

died in a parasailing

1:00:22

accident in the Bahamas,

1:00:24

I'm going down checking

1:00:26

court records. I'm asking

1:00:29

lifeguards on the beach.

1:00:31

I need a full

1:00:33

rundown of your past

1:00:35

life before I'm believing

1:00:37

you that she's no

1:00:39

longer with us. And

1:00:42

if you've been watching

1:00:44

the new season of

1:00:46

White Lotus without giving

1:00:48

anything away, you get

1:00:50

why. You got it.

1:00:53

Beyond the look. Wow.

1:00:55

What a douche, Lord.

1:00:57

And here is a thing. Even if

1:01:00

this guy was saying, oh, I'm getting

1:01:02

a divorce, I'm gonna, well, you're not

1:01:04

divorced yet, Ronnie. But also, the amount

1:01:06

of men that have the energy to

1:01:08

live a double life is really, truly

1:01:11

what perplexes me. If one of the

1:01:13

Savannah bananas DM me tomorrow and was

1:01:15

like, let's link up, I would honestly,

1:01:17

I'd be like, I'm flattered, thank you,

1:01:19

I would, you know, just give me

1:01:21

a photo of your penis, I'm not

1:01:24

showing up to do nothing. I am

1:01:26

actively trying to get my spine in

1:01:28

line. My scoliosis has taken over. Now

1:01:30

it's pinching my sciatica. I don't actually

1:01:32

have the real unbridled energy to do

1:01:34

anything with you. I'm talking a big

1:01:37

game. I'm not showing up. No. Who

1:01:39

is the energy to have two relationships

1:01:41

going at once? Truly. If you guys

1:01:43

are on some sort of new party

1:01:45

drug and you haven't let me know

1:01:48

let me know but I do not

1:01:50

have the energy to or the brain

1:01:52

capacity to be running that many tabs

1:01:54

open in my brain that have to

1:01:56

do with sex and emotions and feelings.

1:01:58

I don't. Jeff is easy. I know

1:02:01

him. You know, when he says, hey,

1:02:03

put your phone down, that means we're

1:02:05

doing something physical and bump and uglies.

1:02:07

That's our catch phrase. Hey, put your

1:02:09

phone down. OK. It's time. I don't

1:02:11

have the brain capacity to do that.

1:02:14

How do these men have so much

1:02:16

fucking time on their hands? Oh yeah,

1:02:18

because they're all horrible husbands and fathers,

1:02:20

so that's how we know how they

1:02:22

have time. But I really don't know.

1:02:25

I mean, what a dush. I'm so

1:02:27

sorry that has happened to you. I

1:02:29

mean, this guy must just have all

1:02:31

the time in the world. And men,

1:02:33

too, when they get out of relationships,

1:02:35

immediately need to be in another one.

1:02:38

You look at widows. often takes them

1:02:40

a long time, if they ever do,

1:02:42

get with another person. Men, honey, a

1:02:44

lady dies, a guy's booed up, and

1:02:46

the next, I'd say six to eight

1:02:48

weeks, because they can't be alone. And

1:02:51

by the time we're done, we go,

1:02:53

oh my God, I feel like he

1:02:55

just got hit by a bus, I'm

1:02:57

good, I'm good, thank you, I'm good.

1:02:59

But I like what you said, you

1:03:02

had a positive at the end, you

1:03:04

were opening yourself at the right, I'm

1:03:06

sorry to find out that way, but

1:03:08

also kind of a great story to

1:03:10

tell you your reunion that we're all

1:03:12

going to go to. Why? Because if

1:03:15

anything, we're going to have a giggle

1:03:17

at the end of the night. I'm

1:03:19

frustrated for you. I want you to

1:03:21

know I'm here for you. Can you

1:03:23

call us back, dear caller, and let

1:03:25

us know? I need more details about

1:03:28

the situation. I'd love to know more

1:03:30

details. And I love that any time

1:03:32

these guys get caught. Even when... on

1:03:34

to catch a predator when you're actually

1:03:36

catching child predators. Chris Hansen pops out

1:03:39

and these guys are always confused. Chris

1:03:41

Hansen. and like hi what's your name

1:03:43

John John take a seat and they're

1:03:45

all like huh what where am I

1:03:47

because they know they've gotten caught and

1:03:49

they just like melt down they're not

1:03:52

even good liars what and they never

1:03:54

have their pants on and you're like

1:03:56

you just were gonna walk into someone's

1:03:58

house with no pants on what a

1:04:00

what a fucking loser and pervert like

1:04:02

where are your pants sir and they're

1:04:05

always like huh what what's my name

1:04:07

And they like stumble out the back

1:04:09

door and then the cops are waiting

1:04:11

for them like, get the fuck out

1:04:13

of here. But you know what, even

1:04:16

though you had to learn a tough

1:04:18

lesson, you're opening yourself up to what?

1:04:20

And give yourself a right for you.

1:04:22

The person who's right for you. And

1:04:24

give yourself a little grace. And remember,

1:04:26

what are we not doing? We're not

1:04:29

isolating. We're talking shit for 15 minutes

1:04:31

and then we're going to have a

1:04:33

glass of white wine. I really love.

1:04:35

At the end of the day, whether

1:04:37

your eyes are itchy, whether your back

1:04:39

is broken, or whether your heart is

1:04:42

broken, we're all in this together and

1:04:44

we're going to figure it out. Because

1:04:46

that's all we can do, baby. That's

1:04:48

all we can do. I will see

1:04:50

you guys next week on the podcast

1:04:53

and also... If you're coming on the

1:04:55

cruise, I'm so excited. And hey, if

1:04:57

last minute your schedule opens up and

1:04:59

you want to come, please come on

1:05:01

the cruise. It's not too late. I

1:05:03

got a lot of late night D.M.

1:05:06

the other day, where I'll be like,

1:05:08

can we still come? Yes, you can

1:05:10

still come? Heather, com. We have just

1:05:12

come. Yes, you can still come. Heather

1:05:14

at sea.com. We have just come. Heather

1:05:16

at c.com. We have just a few

1:05:19

rooms. Heather. Heather. I'll see you. I'll

1:05:21

see you. I'll see you. I'll see

1:05:23

you. I'll see you. I'll see you

1:05:25

on the next. I'll see you on

1:05:27

the next. I'll see you. I'll see

1:05:30

you on the next. I'll see on

1:05:32

the next. I'll see you on the

1:05:34

next. I'll see you on the next.

1:05:36

I'll see you. I'll see on the

1:05:38

next. I'll see on the next. I'll

1:05:40

see on the next. I'll see Thanks

1:05:45

so much for listening to today's

1:05:47

episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate

1:05:49

us, and leave a review. And

1:05:51

as always, follow me on Instagram

1:05:53

at Heather K. McMahon. See you

1:05:55

guys soon. Feel

1:06:00

the vibrations, take control of

1:06:02

me. Shines and lights are brighter,

1:06:04

please, I like a symphony. I

1:06:08

can hear it in your

1:06:10

symphony. Please

1:06:23

Please note that this episode may contain

1:06:25

paid endorsements and advertisements for products

1:06:27

and services. and services. on the show

1:06:29

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1:06:31

financial interest in products or services

1:06:34

referred to in this episode.