0:04

Hello! Happy

0:07

pre-birthday! Birthday!

0:09

Birthday! Birthday Eve! Here

0:12

you are! On the

0:14

cusp of turning 50!

0:17

On the day

0:19

we're recording,

0:21

obviously when this

0:23

goes out, it'll be

0:26

birthday day! Yes,

0:28

we've timed it

0:31

specially. You know why

0:33

it's a significant birthday, don't

0:35

you? Why? What is significant

0:37

about this birthday? Ends in a

0:40

zero. Yeah, I mean, there is

0:42

that, but also, it's the last

0:44

birthday where you won't have known

0:46

me for more than half your

0:48

life. Hold on, let me just

0:50

get pen and paper. I won't have

0:52

known you for more than half my

0:54

life. Yeah, so as it is, you've

0:56

known me for, I think, just

0:59

under half of your life. Right.

1:01

Is that depressing? I love it.

1:03

I made it about you. Yeah, I

1:05

know, yeah. I mean, I don't know.

1:07

We can have a big falling out.

1:10

Oh God. Yeah. I think it's unlikely.

1:12

Do you think I'm tempting fate

1:15

by saying that? I'm going to

1:17

touch work. I don't want to

1:19

fall out. I don't think I

1:22

think we're not getting it. We've

1:24

been through some things. Yeah, we're

1:27

fine. Oh, that's so nicely to

1:29

say, because I was worried that

1:31

was Middle Asia, like 40, but

1:33

yeah, yeah, Middle Asia, great,

1:35

okay. You've got, because, because

1:37

I think it used to,

1:39

I think 40 used to

1:42

be Middle Age, then Madonna

1:44

changed it, didn't she, for

1:46

everyone? Thank you, Madonna, yeah,

1:48

yeah, yeah. And now, Madonna's,

1:50

I mean, she's well over

1:52

trying to catch, but never

1:54

will. But I mean, you, you...

1:56

There's like a literal halfway

1:58

thing going on. right? I lived

2:00

to 100. Yeah and I looked up

2:02

the odds before. What to living to

2:05

100? And 10% chance. That's

2:07

incredible. Pretty good isn't it?

2:09

I'm feeling really optimistic. I

2:11

made a deliberate decision not

2:13

to say you've got a 90% chance

2:15

of not making it to 100. No

2:18

because you're having a positive mental

2:20

attitude. Yeah but 10? What

2:22

in 10? Yeah if somebody said

2:24

to... if somebody said to me... there's

2:26

a 90% chance you're not going to

2:28

make it through. I'd be for lawn

2:31

but if somebody said you buy a

2:33

lottery ticket today and there's a 10%

2:35

chance that you're winning 120 million I

2:37

think I'd pay them I'd pay the

2:39

two pounds 50. You know if you'd ask

2:42

me to guess I would have gone

2:44

like 0.05% make it tangent. Yeah, do

2:46

you know, telegrams they're doing, aren't

2:48

they the king? I know. A lot

2:50

of telegrams. Probably what he'll be, you

2:53

know, because probably by the time you're

2:55

100, it'll be King William. Right.

2:57

And, you know, the amount of effort that

2:59

will go into sourcing telegrams

3:01

at that point, because now it can't

3:03

be easy. A lot of people aren't

3:06

using them anymore. It must be difficult.

3:08

Yeah. And, you know, it's hard to

3:10

find a telegram to find a telegram

3:12

boy. the people who make the

3:14

uniforms with the little hats.

3:16

Yeah, there aren't as many

3:19

of them as they once were.

3:21

They don't even dress monkeys up

3:23

like that so much anymore. That's

3:25

a good thing. With symbols. Clanging

3:28

symbols together in a telegram boy

3:30

outfit. Yeah. Do you want to

3:32

know what your life expectancy is

3:35

as a woman of about to

3:37

1050? I don't know, but you're

3:39

going to tell me anyway,

3:42

so go on. Why don't you guess?

3:44

I'd say these days it's what,

3:46

like 82 or something? Oh, what? 87.

3:48

Good grief. Yeah. I was on that.

3:50

Is it really? Yeah, I was on the

3:53

Office of National Statistics

3:55

website earlier. I

3:57

think that's the one I was on.

4:00

I wasn't on anything dodgy just to

4:02

get it. I'm just trying to remember

4:05

exactly which website it was. 87. I remember

4:07

it used to be like 76. Yes. But

4:09

did I have much? I drank in my

4:11

20s though. Maybe they need to account

4:13

for that. Yes, but you've been

4:15

very boring for a long time

4:18

now. You know, yeah. So, yeah.

4:20

I mean, it doesn't know about

4:22

your driving. Oh good point, oh

4:24

God, don't say that! Oh no.

4:26

Yeah so this is great, so

4:29

10% chance of living 200 and

4:31

life expectancy for a woman of

4:33

your age, as of today, 87.

4:35

Incredible. Not bad. I think probably,

4:38

could be a fall that

4:40

does you in? Yes, that's what

4:43

you've got to watch out for.

4:45

You've just got a brittle way

4:47

about you. Something about me looks

4:49

like it would break easily. Yes!

4:51

Never broken a bone, no. Touch with?

4:53

Yeah, but I think, yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:55

I'm saving it up for old age.

4:57

There's like a bird-like, a hummingbird-like quality

5:00

to you, isn't that we feel good?

5:02

But, yeah, I think, you know what,

5:04

I've not told you, what I've got you,

5:06

what I've got you. You don't take

5:08

this wrong way. But I'm

5:11

paying for one of those

5:13

chords to be installed in

5:15

your house. So that you

5:17

can pull it in the

5:19

case of an emergency. I've

5:22

taken it the wrong way.

5:24

And the warden will come.

5:26

Yeah, thanks. Do you know,

5:28

do you know what was invented

5:31

the same year as you?

5:33

I don't. Be to Max

5:35

Video. Yeah. Also. a week after

5:37

you were born, the Ethiopian monarchy

5:40

fell after 3,000 years. Wow. It's like

5:42

she's here, we had a good run,

5:44

but there's a new boss in town.

5:46

I didn't know they had a monarchy,

5:48

that's very interesting. Yeah, I'll be

5:50

honest I was looking like what

5:53

happened around your birth and there wasn't

5:55

that much as it turned out. Well

5:57

it's me, that's what happened. Yeah, yeah,

5:59

yeah. I got you a lovely

6:01

video of a pig. I loved

6:03

it so much. So it didn't

6:06

come up as was like notable

6:08

events on March 12th 1975. But

6:10

you are on Wikipedia. Yeah but

6:12

I don't reach into. Nobody's linked

6:14

those two things together. I'll do

6:17

it later. I got you a

6:19

lovely video of a pig. I

6:21

loved it so much. Yeah and

6:23

also one of a farmyard animal

6:26

that my son and I saw

6:28

at the weekend. That

6:30

fell flat, didn't it? Oh, I

6:32

see, right, right, right. Okay, yeah,

6:34

sorry. I'm not good at those

6:36

kind of things. No, no,

6:38

it was, it was, it

6:41

was very lazy construct for

6:43

a joke. What else? The

6:45

distance between you being born

6:47

and now. This is going

6:49

to depress me. It's the

6:52

same distance as from you

6:54

being born back to when

6:56

mine campf was published. Oh,

6:58

stop it. Yeah. Yeah, you know,

7:00

a hopeful young author. Are

7:03

you trying to compare me

7:05

to Hitler? Good, good. And

7:07

also, I've got to save

7:09

the best one for last.

7:12

Okay. You are now the same

7:14

age as Ronnie Corbett was

7:16

when he was filming the

7:19

first series of Sorry.

7:21

I love that. So his character

7:23

was actually only 40 or

7:25

41. I love that. But

7:27

Ronnie Corbett at the very

7:30

beginning, as they started filming,

7:32

it was just 50. So

7:34

that's where you are in life

7:36

now. This is wonderful to me.

7:38

So many happy returns. Thank

7:41

you. He seems young to me,

7:43

that's great. No, no, he's short,

7:45

it's not the same. Oh, yeah.

7:47

You're quite right. Oh, in the inbox?

7:49

Well, I'll probably be doing that tomorrow,

7:51

won't I? Of course, yes. Haven't arrived

7:53

yet. I've got a couple of any other

7:55

business. Okay, good, good, first. Chris, firstly,

7:58

read the Gujean in Greg's debate. last

8:00

week's podcast, I can confirm that

8:02

in one of my weaker moments

8:04

I have bought the Gujong collection

8:06

in Greg's despite the word-based culture

8:08

clash. wonder if the boffins in

8:10

Greg's HQ are secretly drifters as

8:12

the Gujean selection are in a

8:14

separate freestanding warm section like the

8:16

sandwiches are if you want them

8:18

you just pick them up yourself

8:21

and just mutter I'll have these please

8:23

oh that's good yeah so don't despair

8:25

fellow Gujean loving drifters Greg's have

8:27

your back good they probably did a

8:29

focus group they realize that nobody wanted

8:32

to go into Greg's and say the

8:34

word Gujean exactly through fear of seeming

8:36

pretentious or French yes yeah I'm sure

8:38

that's what happened And Sophie's writing about

8:41

how you mused about the Luddites

8:43

feeling stores being called a Luddite.

8:45

Yes. Why does one guy get

8:47

all the credit for a group's

8:49

efforts? Yes. She says he was

8:51

almost certainly a fictional figurehead. Shut

8:53

off. Like agitators, sorry, agitators

8:56

sent letters and proclamations to

8:58

factory owners and politicians with

9:00

their demands and signed them

9:02

from Ned Lud, King Lud

9:04

or Captain Lud. They used that

9:06

name to stay anonymous. Wow! Yes!

9:09

Who do? Some made-up names?

9:11

Sophie did. Sophie did.

9:13

It makes sense now.

9:15

Ned Lard. It like sounds

9:18

made up, doesn't it?

9:20

Ned Lard. Ned Ludd. Ned

9:22

Ludd. Does it say me?

9:25

It almost says. Is it

9:27

an anagram? Let me have

9:29

a look. Den, Den Darl,

9:32

dull. What does it mean?

9:34

Den's aren't dull though. Den

9:36

is dirty. No, don't waste. Nothing.

9:38

Forget it, I said it. Edit that

9:41

bit. This is someone who's played a

9:43

lot of boggle in her life. Oh,

9:45

I was so bad. Ned Love. Sorry,

9:47

Ned Lud was a pseudonym. This is

9:49

very interesting to me. I was going

9:51

to say, like, like Dick Tepin, then

9:53

I realized Dick Tepin was real. Yes.

9:55

And I was thinking of Robin Hood.

9:58

Oh, yeah, that's the not real. Yeah, well

10:00

thank you for those those correction

10:02

notes and corrections. Yes, the light

10:04

having those. Yeah, very much so. Okay, and

10:07

then let's move on to this from a

10:09

non. I listened to the podcast and

10:11

I followed you both for years,

10:13

but I'll be honest, I would

10:15

not consider myself by any stretch

10:18

to be a drifter. I'll basically

10:20

talk to anyone and often instigate

10:22

talking to strangers. Why though? This

10:24

is why I felt compelled to

10:26

write, as I recently had a

10:28

surprise and shockingly unable to speak

10:30

my mind drifter moment. This made

10:32

me think that drifterism is not

10:35

a definitive label, but a broad

10:37

spectrum. I'm also writing this as

10:39

I'm keen to get your opinions

10:41

on appropriate airplane etiquette. I was

10:43

recently returning after a two-week trip to

10:45

Florida. I was on a training course

10:48

and often do this trip a couple

10:50

of times a year for both social

10:52

and training purposes. I know that not

10:54

everyone's cup of tea but I love

10:56

long-haul flights. I'm a mummer three, have

10:58

two dogs, two businesses, a husband and

11:00

absolutely relish the eight hours of no

11:02

one being able to reach me, demand

11:04

anything of me or want me to

11:07

find something for them. I don't have

11:09

to answer any emails or text and

11:11

can just relax read or watch movies

11:13

completely distraction free total

11:15

bliss. I get it. Me too. Depending

11:17

on where you're sitting in the plane.

11:19

Yes true. Now the flight back is always

11:21

overnight leaving at around 730 p.m. So my

11:24

routine is as follows. As soon as

11:26

the dinner surface is over I'll watch something

11:28

for just half an hour while drinking a

11:30

mini bottle of wine that will make

11:32

me slightly drowsy as I rarely drink and

11:35

then I lie down and get at

11:37

least four to five hours sleep before

11:39

they turn the lights on again for

11:41

the breakfast service. These few hours of sleep

11:43

are critical as we arrive in London at

11:45

around 8am so there's no chance for

11:47

sleeping until the following night. When I say

11:50

lie down, no I'm not in first class,

11:52

it's just always an empty flight. And I

11:54

can't remember the last time I didn't get

11:56

at least three seats to myself.

11:58

Luxury. Bliss. Anyway. On this trip,

12:00

in the hotel restaurant one evening, I

12:02

met a woman sitting at the next

12:05

table who coincidentally lived in the same

12:07

village with me. I knew there were

12:09

some other people there from my area,

12:11

so it wasn't a huge surprise we

12:13

chatted for around five minutes and I

12:15

didn't see her again. While waiting at the

12:17

airport gate, I saw her again. She was

12:19

on my night flight flight and she came

12:21

over to me to say hello. This is where

12:23

it takes a dark turn. She turned to me

12:26

and said these abominable words. The flight's so

12:28

empty and it's so early I'll be bored

12:30

on the plane, so I'll come and sit

12:32

with you and we can eat together and

12:34

chat. I could feel the blood draining from my

12:36

face. If I imagine myself now in this

12:38

situation, I can hear myself giving all

12:40

sorts of honest sounding responses like, oh

12:42

sorry I'm really nackless, I'm just going

12:45

to sleep. Or I've got loads of

12:47

work to catch up on and then

12:49

I'll just sleep. These are sensible and

12:51

I think non-offensive. But no, and here

12:53

is where I have my rare drifter

12:55

moment. I smile and kind of squeak

12:57

and let out a quiet. Okay! Blind

13:00

panic ensued. I boarded, sat in

13:02

my seat, and saw her coming down the

13:04

aisle to find her seat as she

13:06

was sitting further down the plane. As

13:08

she passed, she mowed, see you in

13:10

a bit. I was livid and anxious.

13:12

I don't know what to chit-chat to

13:14

this person, and what if I can't

13:16

get rid of her for hours and

13:18

miss my sleep window and miss my

13:21

sleep window? So I completely dismissed my

13:23

usual routine and as soon as

13:25

they fastened the seat belt sign

13:27

was switched off I made a

13:29

die for the middle empty row

13:32

covered myself in blankets including my

13:34

head and basically hid. That's like a

13:36

kid's first hiding that if your head's

13:38

coming up. There's no way they can

13:40

see you. I love that. Now this

13:42

may have been okay had I been

13:44

tired at this point and had a

13:46

full belly, but I wasn't tired and

13:48

I was actually starving as I'd only

13:51

had a salad for lunch. So I lay

13:53

there for the next six hours, too

13:55

hungry to sleep and pertur by the

13:57

whole experience. I doze for maybe an

13:59

hour. had a revolting breakfast wrap and

14:01

then found myself next to her at

14:03

the baggage reclaim feeling like a zombie.

14:05

Good flight, she asked. Yes, it was

14:07

okay, you. I was great, she said.

14:09

I'm so sorry I didn't come to

14:11

chat. I sat down and realized I

14:13

was so tired that I ate and

14:16

then passed out. Slept really well. I'm

14:18

curious to know if she was lying.

14:20

Had tried to find me and felt snubbed

14:22

or she was telling the truth. Anyway,

14:24

I've made a vow to never

14:26

talk to anyone at airports ever

14:28

again. And after this experience, I'm

14:31

asking you both for a temporary

14:33

visa to drifter land while I

14:35

recover myself. I'm welcome. Welcome after

14:38

all this time. Yes, make yourself

14:40

at home. Drifter's on flights. Yeah.

14:42

I thought that was going to

14:45

start turning into story about that

14:47

because she lived in the same

14:49

village wanting to share the method

14:51

of transportation. back to the village.

14:54

Oh I wonder how she escaped

14:56

there? That's a good point. That's

14:58

a bad one. That is horrifying.

15:01

Yeah. Oh gee, you're so tired.

15:03

Yeah. Oh. But yes, Drifters on

15:05

flights, if there's anything

15:07

on that. And just

15:09

your general stories of

15:12

social awkwardness, please. The

15:14

email addresses, hello at

15:16

a drift podcast.com. Annabelle.

15:22

Yes. You're not doing

15:24

a sub-stuck in your

15:26

50th birthday week, are

15:29

you? I've already written

15:31

it and scheduled it. Oh,

15:33

have you? Good. Good. Yeah,

15:35

yeah, yeah. You interested

15:38

to know what it's about?

15:40

I wasn't going to ask

15:42

it. Oh, what? Go on, go

15:44

on then. Okay. So you know

15:46

how people, particularly when

15:48

they turn... a big age

15:51

like a significant age like 50. They'll

15:53

do these lists of like 50 things

15:55

I know at 50, 50 things I've

15:57

learned by 50. I'm not doing that.

16:00

I'm doing 50 things I don't know

16:02

at 15. Good, although that sounds

16:04

like a lot of work, 50

16:06

things. It was easy. God,

16:08

I could do a half

16:11

thousand. So many things I

16:13

don't know. It's basically all

16:15

my ignorances and inabilities and

16:18

you can find it Annabelleport.com.

16:20

Or just Google my name. I'll

16:22

tell you something. If it was

16:25

my 50th birthday. Yeah. Which has

16:27

been and gone. Yeah. best possible present

16:29

someone could have got me is what

16:31

subscribe becoming a paid subscriber to me

16:33

substance it would have meant a lot

16:36

to me it's like a little gift

16:38

isn't it yeah it is you know if you think

16:40

it oh god I haven't got Annabelle anything

16:42

it's two pounds a month guys two

16:44

pounds a month guys two pounds a month

16:46

you want to sell yourself I just think

16:48

you know people times are hard like people

16:50

haven't got like money to be splashing here

16:53

they're if they have well if they have

16:55

well if they have That's great.

16:57

Good for them. Spend it on

16:59

yourself. You should make it 400,000

17:02

a month. And all you need

17:04

is one oligarch. Oh, yeah, and

17:06

then that's it. I'm so much

17:08

alive. One subscriber. Yeah. And

17:11

also like people want to

17:13

subscribe to lots of subtext,

17:15

don't they? I think, you

17:17

know, anyway, that's just my

17:19

answer. I know, but I'll

17:21

be honest. I gifted you one.

17:23

Oh, I thought I was paying for it.

17:25

I'm happy you didn't cancel it, that's

17:27

so sweet of you. It was only

17:29

because it was two pounds, right? See,

17:32

there you go. I'd have paid, I tell

17:34

you what I paid, you know, things are

17:36

tight, six. You would not. Six. Yeah, absolutely,

17:38

yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's so very generous

17:40

of you. But anyway, it's what it's worth.

17:42

Thank you. I do think it is worth it.

17:44

But I think it's, I don't think people should

17:46

have to pay that much money. Well, I think

17:48

it should be free. I want to make it

17:50

like more people can read it. I mean, most

17:52

people can read it. I mean, most people can

17:54

read it. It should also be a free subscriber.

17:56

But paying ones get lots of benefits,

17:58

so it's much better. and drive the

18:01

prices down. Yeah, that's exactly wrong

18:03

too. Yeah, you make the value

18:05

of, you know, you carry on

18:07

decreasing the value of the written

18:09

word. Yep, will do, will do,

18:11

will do. So race the bottom.

18:13

Yep. But I'm not going to

18:15

bring that up because it's your

18:18

birthday eve. That's very kind of

18:20

you. Yeah. All right, do you have... a way

18:22

in which you are not a fully

18:24

functioning adult, despite being almost 50. Well,

18:26

this is going to go out on my

18:28

50th birthday, which doesn't come fine with it,

18:31

but doesn't quite feel real. I'm a bit

18:33

worried because people used to say life begins

18:35

at 50, which I think sounds great. I

18:37

think I think they used to say life

18:39

begins at 40. No, they say fifth. and

18:41

40. I think they said 50

18:44

after Madonna turned on. Oh, because

18:46

also they now say that 50

18:48

is the new 40 or the

18:50

new 30. Right. So did my

18:52

life begin at 30 or 40?

18:54

Because I don't know if that was

18:56

the greatest start. I

18:58

don't know, maybe ask your

19:00

mom. Yeah, yeah, she'd know. Yeah.

19:03

I mean, that's the longest station

19:06

period. Yeah. Whichever way you

19:08

slice it. I'd have been

19:10

bored. Byeboard. Fairly, I just...

19:13

You delight! You want to be in

19:15

a womb for 40 years? I

19:17

do believe you. Yeah, safe and

19:19

warm. Cozy, comforting.

19:21

Yes. Probably, I mean

19:23

I don't remember. Not everything

19:25

I've heard about it. I

19:27

hear good things. Yeah, yeah,

19:29

yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you...

19:31

Anybody doesn't matter. No. So

19:33

yeah, 40s. I'm not gonna... I

19:36

don't feel like 40s... I don't

19:38

know. I don't feel like 40s...

19:40

He's 10 years younger and he turns 40

19:42

in two weeks time. Yes. And he said

19:44

to me, yeah, my 30s are not the

19:46

best. And then there was this really awkward

19:48

moment when we both realized that this was

19:50

the only decade we spent together. I'm

19:53

going to look at you and I

19:55

went. It's a good job our seven-year-old

19:57

son didn't here. But of course, you know,

19:59

he has been. the best bit of my

20:01

40s. Now that isn't a good bit. But

20:03

I thought I was turning 50 because

20:05

I always think maybe... Can I

20:07

show a question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did

20:10

you put that? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

20:12

That's so morbid, yes. Yes, yes. Yes,

20:14

yes. That's so morbid, yes. Yes,

20:16

yes. Now I put it in just

20:18

in case he heard it one day

20:21

after you were dead. Oh, no, what

20:23

other circumstances you're going to hear it?

20:25

Yeah. What like the cool teenager list

20:27

of choice mom's podcast from 10 years

20:29

ago? You might want to catch up

20:31

on the more one day. I don't

20:33

know. No, you're right. Of course he

20:36

won't. He'll have a zero interest

20:38

with other girls. Yes, I'm fine with

20:40

2050 because I think if I'm lucky I'll

20:42

be 80 one day and lastly 87. Yeah.

20:45

And laughing at how I thought 50 was

20:47

old. Yes. Because like I laugh at

20:49

now and people say, well, I'm turning 30,

20:51

God, getting on a beer, you think that's

20:53

funny. Before I know it, I'll be 60

20:55

if I'm lucky and longing for 15.

20:58

Do you think 50 feels like the

21:00

last decade when you can feel

21:02

young? Yes. I think so too. I think, you

21:04

know, that was the thing that

21:06

I found the hardest about turning

21:08

50 was not turning 50, but

21:10

realizing that the next one with

21:12

a zero. There's no getting away

21:14

from the fact that that that 60.

21:16

Yes. even with the

21:18

pioneering work Madonna has

21:20

done for us all.

21:23

I think there's some

21:25

truth to be faced

21:27

there. Not saying, you

21:29

know, you're over the hill,

21:32

but I'm saying that there's

21:34

no way you can think

21:36

of that as in any

21:39

way young. I do wonder

21:41

though that... We're just a bit into

21:43

denial now and everyone feels this way

21:45

until 80s when you finally had to

21:48

face the facts I wonder if 60s

21:50

you start thinking well look at Susan

21:52

Sarandon and whoever I didn't know like

21:54

someone in their 60s at the same time as

21:56

you I read like the police report into

21:58

the death of Jean Hackman and his

22:01

wife and their dog. Oh yeah. And it

22:03

described them as an elderly couple. What? She

22:05

was in her 60s. And she was 65.

22:07

Yes. Oh my God. Okay. All right then

22:10

this is the last girl. I'm going... See

22:12

I try not to get depressed

22:14

about it. I started thinking about...

22:16

turning 60. And I was

22:18

thinking, you know, some people have

22:20

like a five-year plan, a ten-year

22:22

plan. I've never had that. And

22:25

I started to think, maybe I

22:27

should, that life doesn't just slip

22:29

away. And then I thought, okay, so

22:31

what on my life, look at 60.

22:33

And then my first thought was, well,

22:35

my dog will be dead. And

22:37

I got really depressed. And I

22:39

couldn't think about it anymore. It

22:42

could be a record breaker. Yeah. Okay,

22:44

for better now. Oh, okay, he will

22:46

be around. There are some ways

22:48

that I don't for ready for

22:50

50. Like, I feel that my

22:53

parents had a waste paper basket

22:55

in every room when they were

22:57

50, and we've just got the

22:59

kitchen bin and one that Tom

23:01

bought for his workroom. How

23:03

many do you think a three

23:05

bedroom home should have? Like, be

23:08

honest. I don't even have one

23:10

in the bathroom, which is weird

23:12

and wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. layout. Now

23:14

we haven't got a waste paper basket

23:17

in the front room. No, me neither.

23:19

Okay. So you've only got one on

23:21

the ground floor? Yeah, so the kitchen bin

23:23

is on the ground floor. Yeah. You need

23:25

one in the bathroom. I know, I really

23:27

thought that out. And then I think every

23:29

bedroom needs a way, it needs

23:32

some little bend, doesn't it? It does,

23:34

but mine doesn't. Yeah, well there's something

23:36

to shoot for. Yep. I thought I'd

23:38

have a hand towel in the bathroom by

23:41

now. I'm not just expect guests to dry

23:43

their hands on the howl, hunk towels, hung

23:45

on the radiate that we use for bathing.

23:47

I mean really I should probably have by

23:49

now a guest body and hand towel. And

23:51

also a flannel just for guess, but I

23:54

don't. Who are these guests? That is, well

23:56

exactly. Exactly. I thought I might have a

23:58

box of tissues in every room. That

24:00

feels like a grown-up thing, doesn't it? Ah,

24:02

it feels passé. Oh good, okay. I didn't

24:05

think I'd have an email inbox with 27,195

24:07

messages, but I don't even want to know

24:09

how many you've got. Well, you're looking now,

24:11

go ahead, for better. In the inbox that's

24:13

open at the moment, there's 85,000 and 10.

24:15

Wow. Yeah. That's not as bad as I

24:18

thought it was going to be. I thought

24:20

it'd be in the hundreds of hundreds of

24:22

thousands. But when you say in the one

24:24

that I've got open, that's just where you've

24:26

got more than one either. Yeah, so hang

24:28

on, then I can see another one with

24:30

69,703 in it. Wow. And then there's a

24:32

tab that's not open as well. Okay,

24:35

okay. But then I also don't understand

24:37

people being glad when they have zero

24:39

messages. That one's got 49, oh my god.

24:41

355. Okay, so all I did together, but

24:43

I was probably about right. Yeah. Yeah, I

24:46

don't understand people being glad at having zero

24:48

messages because I use my inbox as an

24:50

external hard drive for my memory. Yes, like

24:52

when did I go to Sardinia, search flight

24:54

details in the inbox? Oh yes, 2008. Yes,

24:56

like an external hard drive, isn't it? Yeah,

24:58

yeah, so I think it's a good thing.

25:00

I didn't think I'd have a desk in

25:02

my bedroom which I work at all day,

25:04

like when I was a student, I definitely

25:06

was not expecting now. on the positive side

25:09

at the same time maybe I didn't dream

25:11

that I'd have a bedroom big enough to

25:13

include a desk as my student one had

25:15

a single bed so you know that's

25:17

positive and look at the things that I

25:19

do have at home that I didn't expect

25:21

to have a debobler look at me

25:23

with my electric debobbler no

25:25

bubbles on my clothes wow yep

25:28

two darkboards one above the other

25:30

living the dream there unless your dream

25:32

is a dream house And

25:34

then I got a bit distracted by

25:36

googling people who became successful in their

25:39

careers late in life. And it's always

25:41

Colonel Sanders as he was 62 when

25:43

he did KFC, but I'm not sure

25:45

I can hold out that long. But

25:47

it's okay as Darwin did origin the

25:49

species at 50 and Momu Fuku Andu

25:51

invented instant ramen noodles at 50 as

25:54

well. Okay. So I've got a year

25:56

to invent a new convenience food and

25:58

some kind of foundation of evolutionary. So

26:00

I'm feeling

26:02

really energised

26:06

again. All would

26:08

be great and

26:10

love being 15.

26:13

Makes success.

26:16

Yeah. the P of the Y my

26:18

party party of the year yeah yeah

26:20

yeah little shindig what is a

26:22

karaoke thing a small group of

26:24

people karaoke for my birthday it was

26:26

good it was great so it was

26:29

a karaoke place above a pub so

26:31

it was drinks in the pub from

26:33

630 transition to karaoke eight was that

26:35

how it went yeah yeah and you

26:37

said I don't expect you to be

26:40

there for the drinks was that

26:42

nice of me but I said no I'm

26:44

gonna nice of you but then but then

26:46

oh something terrible happened. So

26:48

I fully intended to

26:50

be there for the

26:52

start of the drinks.

26:54

Six-thirty. Yeah, right. And I brought

26:56

with me an old friend of

26:58

ours, Vince, from LA, and

27:00

we fully intended to be

27:03

there at six-thirty. He

27:05

was hungry, as was I. Yeah. So

27:07

I said, we'll be able to eat

27:09

there. He googled the place.

27:11

Didn't like the food. nothing gluten-free.

27:13

It was all gluten-free. It was

27:16

just pizza. So then we had

27:18

to stop somewhere and get him

27:20

take out gluten-free food, which meant

27:22

that I turned up, you know,

27:24

at the back end of the

27:26

drinks, which looked like what you'd

27:29

expect of me. Yes. Dudging

27:31

the drinks and dodging the

27:33

socialising, when actually it wasn't my

27:35

fault. Let me tell you nobody

27:37

turned up until 715, and that

27:39

person was your wife's error. That's

27:41

where she went. So was it just

27:44

you and you and Tom and my

27:46

sister? Nice! Well you don't come together.

27:48

Nice nice and I didn't even

27:51

eat anything because when I got

27:53

there it felt like weird to

27:55

eat. Oh because he got yeah oh

27:57

no. So had you eaten already? Well

27:59

we're at home. bit you know bit what

28:01

here's what I think yeah but like something

28:03

it's a way of keeping yourself like

28:05

young that's like somebody in the

28:08

early 20s what approach an evening

28:10

eating is cheating I was doing

28:12

I don't want to waste time eating

28:14

I don't really fancy the pizza I

28:16

don't want to eat when I'm there

28:18

I just think typically

28:20

middle-aged people think about people

28:22

it wasn't a food evening it was

28:24

what time what time did you tell

28:27

people to tell people to arrive this

28:29

drinks from 630. Right. Eat before

28:31

you come or you can get pizza

28:33

there or you can get pizza

28:35

there. So, and did anybody

28:37

live next, sorry, remind me,

28:39

did anybody live next door to

28:42

the venue? Yeah, but I ate a five

28:44

o'clock. Yes, but that's like,

28:46

so you're expecting people to either

28:48

behave like somebody, like a child

28:51

in the, like a student or

28:53

an old age pensioner. Yeah, yes,

28:55

is the answer to that, yeah. But I

28:57

just wanted to tell what a lovely even

28:59

then. I wasn't going to bring that up.

29:01

That was funny. Tom wanted to meet even

29:03

earlier. He went six, it's got to be six.

29:05

I was like, what? People might want to eat

29:07

before they go on. Yeah, I mean, like a

29:09

lot of people would build that into the

29:11

evening. I did build it into the evening.

29:14

They did pizza there. Nobody got any

29:16

of those. But you told people to like, like,

29:18

like, go for an early bird, for like,

29:20

for an early bird special. Anyway, but

29:22

it was lovely. I think it's

29:25

lovely. I don't think I would

29:27

have been able to order pizza

29:29

there. Why? Because I would have

29:31

destroyed my vocal cords trying to

29:34

speak above the loud music. Everybody

29:36

there was, you know, I think

29:38

the youngest person there was an

29:41

anomaly in their mid-30s. And then

29:43

everybody else was broadly speaking in

29:46

10 years, either side of 50.

29:48

Yeah. You know, no one could

29:50

hear anybody else. No one can't

29:53

hear, you can't hear what somebody else is

29:55

saying when the music is that loud. Never,

29:57

no. So I'm just like looking at other

29:59

people. facial expressions. I'm trying to guess

30:02

what I'm saying. What my response and

30:04

facial expression should be. Yeah, yeah, that's

30:06

the best way to do it. Yeah,

30:09

but I think I did quite a

30:11

good job of it. Well what people

30:13

are saying about you after us, I

30:15

don't know. Was I the first to leave?

30:18

Sarah came over to me just went, I'm

30:20

going to do an Irish goodbye. I don't

30:22

think we should say that. Oh, is that

30:24

bad thing to say? I imagine so. Okay.

30:26

I mean, I mean, you know, you know,

30:29

I'm not. I've said to her, I'm not

30:31

sure that. Because she also then, she went

30:33

to say that to her friend Vince, who

30:35

is, you know, whose parents, you

30:38

know, is from an Irish background.

30:40

So I jumped in and said, we're

30:42

doing a Welsh goodbye. I didn't even

30:44

know what it was, is it when

30:46

you leave, you leave Italy? Oh,

30:48

without saying goodbye. Without saying goodbye,

30:50

right. But I don't even think

30:53

it, I've heard it called something

30:55

else. Not an Irish goodbye. Yes,

30:57

I think I've heard it called a

30:59

French goodbye. No, you're thinking a French

31:01

letter, which is a Johnny bag. No,

31:04

I'm not thinking of a Johnny bag.

31:06

Why are you thinking of a Johnny

31:08

bag? Is it a birthday tree tomorrow

31:10

from Tom? That's a tree. It's

31:13

a French goodbye. Okay. Why were we

31:15

talking about condoms? You brought

31:17

it up. Oh, Sarah saying Irish. Yeah, no,

31:20

I wish she hadn't said that.

31:22

I feel like it's a phrase

31:24

from a different time really that

31:26

I was offended on behalf of

31:28

the Irish. But maybe she can say

31:31

it because her dad did one

31:33

of those DNA tests. Oh yeah.

31:35

And I think like three generations

31:37

back is Irish on one side.

31:40

So maybe it's okay for her

31:42

to say it. I don't know.

31:44

But I just want to apologize

31:47

to everybody for everything. To

31:49

get the party started, I thought, what was

31:52

number one on Anna Bell's birthday? I could

31:54

put that on for her. It's not a

31:56

good one. No, it's like Telly Savalas who

31:58

played co-jack, singing if. It's actually

32:00

I'm actually always been embarrassed by

32:03

that. It's terrible! But I have a

32:05

bit of that. So mine was, um,

32:07

tie a yellow ribbon around the old

32:09

oak tree. That's not good. No, that's

32:12

not good. But why does that feel

32:14

embarrassing compared to somebody who had like

32:16

dancing queeners? Yes. Because they have

32:19

a cool one. It's not fair.

32:21

Why have I got a boring one?

32:23

Yeah. Especially think of all those decades

32:25

that you've had you on. Exactly. You

32:27

did a lovely rendition of

32:29

Chapel Rowan. Well, this is

32:32

very exciting to me because less than

32:34

a week earlier, I didn't even know

32:36

that song existed, and you played it

32:38

to me last week. and I went,

32:40

I liked that song, I might do

32:42

a karaoke. Do you know, it was one of

32:45

the great moments of insight in my life, right?

32:47

Yeah, you just knew that I'd like it. I

32:49

just knew that you would love that song so

32:51

much you'd want to sing it, karaoke. I practiced

32:53

it. I practiced it again and again. And it

32:56

was wonderful. Well, it wasn't. It was wonderful. I

32:58

don't, you're not going to play it, are you?

33:00

No, good. Minocurt. Minocurt. The second verse I

33:02

lost the melody now, it was really

33:04

humiliating. Oh, but never, you know, you'd

33:07

won, you'd won the evening by the

33:09

time it got to the second verse.

33:11

You know, people were just in a

33:13

state of ecstasy after that first verse.

33:15

It was so wonderful. I did catch

33:18

your sister at one stage. Because she,

33:20

she, I don't want to use the word

33:22

commandeered, but you know, she lined up a

33:24

lot of songs. Did she? Oh, yeah. I

33:26

think because... I don't remember

33:28

doing a lot of songs.

33:30

No, but she was like

33:32

the puppet master. So who's

33:35

put this on? She's sister.

33:37

Oh, right. But, which I

33:39

think, you know, there were a

33:41

lot of crowd pleases. She

33:43

did a good job. Yeah, yeah.

33:46

But at one stage, I saw

33:48

her typing. Why, because she

33:50

was typing Roxanne. Roxette. Oh,

33:52

Roxette! Yeah. What did she really? Yeah.

33:54

Dress for success. I don't know which one,

33:56

but I know that, you know. Must

33:58

have been love. No that, yeah. ex-husband

34:00

was a big fan and he is a big

34:03

fan. I didn't want you to be

34:05

triggered. I would have been by that

34:07

memory. The time I found the greatest

34:09

hits of rock set at home. Yeah,

34:11

I mean, and CD. We've never

34:13

really talked about why the marriage

34:15

ended. Who has CDs in their

34:17

30s? Like what? It's CD for? Weird.

34:20

Do you know what my birthday gift

34:22

to you is though? You want me some

34:24

flowers? No, that was just like a

34:26

little token thing on the night. It's

34:28

not singing happy birthday to you

34:31

because I know you don't like

34:33

it. Because I feel awkward. Yeah.

34:35

Yeah. So, so I've really been

34:37

very thoughtful about what I can

34:40

do for your birthday. Thank you.

34:42

And what I came up with

34:44

not, was not singing happy birthday

34:46

to you. Thank you. That's a

34:49

beautiful thing. Thank you. Thank you.

34:51

So my mother-in-law texted me for.

34:53

She is obsessed with me. Sure.

34:55

Seriously, yeah, always texting

34:58

me. So this story

35:00

here I think was on the

35:02

BBC's website. Meat and dairy

35:04

grown in a lab could be on

35:06

sale in the UK for human

35:09

consumption. Be weird if

35:11

it was, look don't eat this

35:13

but you can give it to

35:15

you gerbil. We can look at

35:18

it. Meat and dairy grown in

35:20

a lab could be on sale

35:22

in the UK for human consumption

35:24

for the first time within two

35:27

years. sooner than expected.

35:29

Oh, they rushed it through. Now

35:32

some people are disgusted

35:34

by the idea of like

35:37

meat or dairy products just

35:39

created in a

35:41

laboratory. I want to say to

35:43

you, if you're disgusted by

35:46

that. You should see where

35:48

it comes from now. Yes.

35:51

Yes. If you think that's

35:53

horrified. Just look at the

35:56

current situation. The other thing

35:58

it says. is that sugar

36:01

could be created in a lab

36:03

as well. Why would they do

36:05

that? It's a good question, isn't

36:07

it? What's going on? I don't

36:09

know, because I am, I was

36:11

then sort of led me just

36:14

thinking about where sugar comes from

36:16

anyway. And broadly speaking, I don't

36:18

know. So I know that it

36:20

comes from a sugar cane. Yes.

36:22

Yes, yeah. So I've seen it,

36:24

I can, you know, I've got

36:27

a sense of what a sugar

36:29

cane looks like. Yes. Mm-hmm. How

36:31

it goes from that to the

36:33

stuff that's in the bag. Yes.

36:35

I've got no idea. Zero idea.

36:37

Think of it as little granules.

36:40

Yeah. Oh, it's this thing that

36:42

looks like part of a plant,

36:44

like bamboo. Maybe it's like almost

36:46

hollow, but it's just full of

36:48

that sugar. That's what I'm imagining.

36:50

And then there's like, icing sugar,

36:53

brown sugar, demerara sugar, that might

36:55

just be brown sugar. Do you

36:57

know what icing sugar is? Castor

36:59

sugar. You're not going to believe

37:01

this. It's just normal sugar, like

37:03

ground up more finely. It's gone

37:06

in a blender. What? Yes, I

37:08

know. It's exactly that it's just,

37:10

if you want icing sugar and

37:12

you haven't got any at home,

37:14

just put normal sugar in a

37:16

blender. So interesting to me. Is

37:19

it unblended? What do you do?

37:21

I don't know. Anyway, I'm not

37:23

sure I want to know. No,

37:25

no. People are about to start

37:27

emailing in. Ignorance is bliss on

37:29

this occasion. Yeah, yeah. birthday Eve

37:32

no one's sent in a quandary

37:34

but because it's birthday Eve you

37:36

get have your own quandary if

37:38

you like. Well yes this happened

37:40

to me a few weeks ago

37:42

and I'd be very interested to

37:45

hear from you what I should

37:47

do in this situation which will

37:49

probably arise again. So a bit

37:51

of backstory here my son plays

37:53

football a few times a week

37:55

and he's at the age where

37:58

I still have to go and

38:00

watch it. I don't go to

38:02

all of them like me and

38:04

Tom taking interns but I have

38:06

to go outside I have to

38:08

stand at some I don't know

38:11

what do you call them like

38:13

railings what what there's two different

38:15

venues one's got like a big

38:17

chain-lit fence so it's like I'm

38:19

watching him in a prison camp

38:21

and the other one is kind

38:24

of like waste height railings right

38:26

okay this was the barrier yes

38:28

a barrier yes the occasion I'm

38:30

about to talk about involves the

38:32

barrier now uh There are eight

38:34

children in his football team. They've

38:37

all got parents and over the

38:39

course of him being in this

38:41

team since September, meantime I've both

38:43

got to know all these parents.

38:45

Okay. Sometimes the dad comes, sometimes

38:47

the monk comes, I tend to

38:50

chat to the moms more than

38:52

the dads. Do you know their

38:54

names? Yeah, I know all their

38:56

names. You've memorised like up to

38:58

16 names. Yeah, I know all

39:00

their names. This is unbelievable. This

39:03

is unbelievable. Yeah, some nice people.

39:05

five years probably he's in year

39:07

four and then there's reception and

39:09

there I would say maybe I

39:11

know six names of parents how

39:13

how do you I could name

39:16

probably every parent oh I think

39:18

um So I know who some

39:20

of them are if I see

39:22

them in the street. Oh I

39:24

know, I know, I know why

39:26

this is, you're not on the

39:29

class WhatsApp group. That's how you

39:31

learn the names. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

39:33

So how does this play out

39:35

with like 16? Well no, no,

39:37

no, because there's not. I just

39:39

take away two as you and

39:42

so, yeah, it's 14. And it's

39:44

only one parent and it tends

39:46

to come, like it's just seven,

39:48

so I go to this particular

39:50

session. the barrier. And we're a

39:52

bit late. As I approach the

39:55

group where everyone's standing, it's only

39:57

dance. It just happens to be

39:59

one of the occasions where it's

40:01

just dads. They're all a lot

40:03

taller than me. They're all like

40:05

six foot, whereas I'm about five

40:08

foot. They're all standing in a

40:10

semicircle around this barrier. I can

40:12

also hear that they're all talking

40:14

about football as in like proper

40:16

football, premiership league football. Oh. Yeah.

40:18

So I approach the group and

40:21

I feel like, what do I

40:23

do now? Because to attract their

40:25

attention, I'd have to physically push

40:27

my way in the middle of

40:29

the group and say, hi, I'm

40:31

here now. Or taps on the

40:34

shoulder and interrupt a conversation and

40:36

go, hi, I'm here now. But

40:38

if I just stand there next

40:40

to them, that feels kind of

40:42

rude like I'm ignoring them. But

40:44

that's the better option, right? So

40:47

I stand there to the side.

40:49

Unfortunately, it stays that way for

40:51

the whole hour of the session

40:53

because not once there's anyone turning

40:55

around and seeing me there. So

40:57

it looks like I'm being rude

41:00

and shunning them. But at the

41:02

same time, how do I get

41:04

myself into the group to be

41:06

polite and friendly when there's no

41:08

way of inserting myself that wouldn't

41:10

feel excruciating? Well you say that.

41:13

Could you not have like crawled

41:15

through the legs? That's what I

41:17

would have had to have done.

41:19

And then pop up. It's me!

41:21

the only mom no no see

41:23

I am I am you've in

41:26

this story mmm there is a

41:28

key way in which you and

41:30

I are very different oh go

41:32

on go on and that is

41:34

I would feel nothing but relief

41:36

about not being in the group

41:39

I would be far more comfortable

41:41

off to one side then with

41:43

a bunch of blokes talking about

41:45

football yes and then then If

41:47

any of them looked over, I'd

41:49

give a friendly, I'd try and

41:52

give a friendly glance from the...

41:54

expression but I wouldn't want to

41:56

be part of the group. That

41:58

is that is hellish to me.

42:00

I think you know I just

42:02

feel relieved on your behalf. I

42:05

didn't say I wasn't relieved not

42:07

to have to make conversation for

42:09

an hour. But I don't think

42:11

they think you're rude. I felt

42:13

I felt awkward being like this

42:15

sort of hanger honor but then

42:18

I also didn't want to like

42:20

walk away to sort of feel

42:22

like that I was embarrassed by

42:24

the situation so I just stood

42:26

there. I think they probably thought

42:28

you felt threatened by them. Yeah.

42:31

Who was the Alpha? I don't

42:33

know that there's an Alpha. There's

42:35

always an Alpha. There's always an

42:37

Alpha. I mean it's usually me.

42:39

It sounds like it. No I'm

42:41

the Sigma. Sigma. So what, so.

42:44

Apparently kids talk all the time

42:46

about Sigma. They say what the

42:48

Sigma. What does Sigma mean? So

42:50

I looked it up on like

42:52

a big dictionary or something and

42:54

it's that it can both be

42:57

a complement or an insult. It's

42:59

kind of a lone wolf who

43:01

plays by their own rules. I

43:03

love that. Yeah. No, not in

43:05

the same. But those guys thought

43:07

you were a Sigma. Exactly. I

43:10

don't want it. I didn't want

43:12

to be a She Wolf. I

43:14

just wanted just like I just

43:16

shouldn't care. I think they were

43:18

probably like, so it's difficult for

43:20

me to get in the heads

43:23

of those types of men. Yes.

43:25

But what I project on to

43:27

them is relief. So of course

43:29

there are plenty of women who

43:31

like talking about football and would

43:33

have wanted to join in with

43:36

that. But I think like often

43:38

perhaps a certain type of man

43:40

doesn't think that that is the

43:42

case. and they might be self-aware

43:44

enough to just stop. But then

43:46

I think that they wouldn't really

43:49

know how else to enter. interact

43:51

with each other or you and

43:53

there'd just be a lot more

43:55

awkward silence. And then, so that's

43:57

another reason then that I don't

43:59

want to make them feel they

44:02

can't talk about football. So you've

44:04

done a kind thing. I'm just

44:06

going to start like turning up

44:08

wearing headphones I think. Yeah. Taking

44:10

like emergency work calls. Look, look

44:12

is that you should be looking

44:15

at a phone like you've just

44:17

received an email. Hmm. that has,

44:19

oh I'm so irritated that this

44:21

email has taken me out of

44:23

the wonderful experience of standing with

44:25

seven doos and looking at some

44:28

children playing football. I've got to

44:30

answer it because the quarterly figures

44:32

are due into the CFO tomorrow.

44:34

Mm-hmm, CFO. Yep, okay. Well listen,

44:36

this is what happens when we

44:38

get no countries in. So this

44:41

is your punishment having to listen

44:43

to that. Yeah. That's why we

44:45

need more countries. Because really the

44:47

answer was just crawl through the

44:49

legs. Exactly! And we really strung

44:51

it out. So come on more

44:54

countries next week, please. And

45:16

that was our podcast. Thank you

45:18

for listening. Thank you for all

45:21

the e-cards that Annabelle's going to

45:23

be inundated with tomorrow. Yes, thank

45:25

you in advance. I'm worried about

45:28

your data charges. If you don't

45:30

get any, that'll be people. really

45:32

thinking about you know your data

45:35

that'll be the reason yeah I

45:37

can't think of another reason no

45:39

really but we would like your

45:42

quandaries please as Annabelle just said

45:44

podications as well yeah still do

45:46

them on an ad hoc basis

45:49

as and when and your stories

45:51

of drifted them please drift a

45:53

hood the email address is hello

45:56

at a drift podcast.com thanks to

45:58

man in the echo for the

46:01

vacuum and to Emily Harrison for

46:03

the incidental music. Carla Gow that

46:05

took our photos. Kim Raney

46:07

designed our artwork and

46:10

happy birthday Annabelle.