0:16

Hello. Hello. It's

0:19

a pre -Easter episode. Pre -Easter.

0:22

Oh, yes. Never

0:24

thought about being a pre -Easter show. I

0:26

would think about more being the post -Easter

0:28

show. That's one that I'm really into. Where

0:30

we do the debrief about how your

0:32

Easter was. Yeah. Going

0:34

to have an Easter egg? Probably

0:36

not, no. I've already had two hot cross

0:38

buns, though, if that helps. How much does it cost?

0:41

How much does cost? Oh,

0:45

yeah, gotcha, yeah. I

0:47

thought that was a serious question then. I would

0:49

have answered it quite seriously, like 80p, but yeah. I

0:52

was like the idea of hot cross bun. More

0:55

than like hot cross bun. Well, let me introduce

0:57

you to something new. Chocolate hot cross bun. It

0:59

just tastes like a brownie. Good, good.

1:01

Because I hate hot cross buns. They eliminated

1:03

the raisin. Yeah, they got the raisin and the

1:05

hot crossy bit. They just turned it into a chocolate

1:07

brownie. Hang on, there's no cross on melted butter

1:09

on it. Let's still look at the cross. I just

1:11

meant, you know, the hot crossy bit. It's

1:13

really weird that there's a cross on

1:15

it, isn't it? Yeah. Just like, I

1:17

want something delicious, but I also want

1:19

it to evoke the suffering of the

1:22

Lord and Saviour. I want his

1:24

method of death on it. Weird,

1:26

right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think,

1:28

I don't know, it's not

1:30

for me to comment, is

1:32

it, as a heathen.

1:34

But if I was brought

1:37

in to consult on

1:39

that religion, Christianity,

1:41

I'd downplay that a bit. The

1:44

crucifix bit, yeah. Yeah, being

1:46

squeamish. A lot of

1:48

people don't like thinking about

1:50

people being nailed to wood.

1:53

Especially through the hands and feet. They do

1:55

make a big deal out of it. Yeah,

1:57

yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get why, because

1:59

they want to show what the

2:01

Lord and Saviour went

2:03

through and what he

2:05

was willing to do

2:07

for the sake of

2:09

mankind, John 3, 16. But...

2:14

I find it a bit off -putting thinking about

2:16

that stuff. I'm squeamish. Makes me feel sick,

2:18

yeah. Yeah, I don't like watching gore on

2:20

TV. I know a lot of people do.

2:23

Just go a bit less gory in your

2:25

religion. In churches, they'll have it with

2:27

sort of like trickles of blood coming out.

2:29

And I think, you do know children

2:31

come in here, don't you? Yeah, yeah. It's

2:34

very gory. Yeah. But they

2:36

love all that, don't they? I know

2:38

my son loves gore. Right. So maybe

2:40

that helps get them through the door.

2:42

Maybe they could go more gory. Maybe.

2:44

To get the kids through. Yeah, good

2:46

point, good point. Because, anyway. Why

2:48

did I say Easter hot cross buns? Yeah.

2:50

I mean, to be fair, the cross on

2:52

the bun isn't very gory, is it? No.

2:54

It's barely a crucifix. No, because it hasn't

2:56

got the long bit. It's the

2:58

wrong shape. Yeah, it's the

3:00

wrong shape. Make hot cross buns

3:02

rectangular and then go back to

3:04

me. Like

3:09

focaccia. Yes. Then you could do

3:11

an accurately shaped cross on them.

3:13

And even maybe some feet and

3:15

hands. I mean, I think it

3:17

is difficult to render Christ the

3:20

Redeemer in bread form. I know

3:22

every now and then get a

3:24

piece of toast goes viral. Honestly,

3:27

let's make hot cross buns more

3:29

how it should be, rectangular. Like screen

3:31

accurate. Yeah, and with Jesus on

3:33

the cross with the nails and the

3:35

hands and the feet and the

3:37

blood. Would you

3:39

use some kind of fruit compot to

3:41

represent? Yeah. We would. Yeah. Is

3:44

this offensive, I'm wondering? I hope not. We're

3:46

not intending to be offensive. We're just spitballing

3:49

here, trying to help a brand refresh with

3:51

Christianity, which is, I don't know if it's

3:53

still the world's biggest religion. I think here

3:55

we're offending is the hot cross bun industry.

3:57

I was saying they could do better. No, they

3:59

need to modernise. Yeah. They've been resting on

4:02

them. I was going to say they need to

4:04

modernise. I mean, you've had one that tastes

4:06

like a chocolate brownie. It doesn't have raisins in

4:08

it. So maybe they don't. They don't. They're

4:10

doing well. Good. So you've had

4:12

two hot crust buns. I

4:14

was just curious to know

4:16

whether they cost 1p or not.

4:18

No, they didn't. No. Because

4:21

in the song, the plummeting, it's

4:23

like the stock market in

4:25

recent weeks with the tariff announcements.

4:27

They won a penny, but

4:29

then a second later, two a

4:31

penny. I know. Depreciation.

4:33

Yeah. I mean,

4:36

that song was longer.

4:38

Oh, God. So

4:42

I haven't had a hot crust bun because I

4:44

don't like them, but I might know that you've said

4:46

that. I've had a bag of mini eggs. Will

4:48

I get an Easter egg? Do you know what I've

4:50

come to? I

4:52

could just go and buy some chocolate if I want

4:54

some chocolate. Yeah, and it'd be

4:56

better. Yeah. I know what

4:58

you mean. Like the

5:01

shape of it is not a

5:03

fun shape. It's a fun

5:05

shape to behold. But

5:07

once... You get into it. So what

5:10

are you doing? Like biting a hole

5:12

in it? You're cracking a hole. You're

5:14

raining your fist down on it to

5:16

break it into segments. And then don't

5:18

even try getting that tin foil back

5:20

around it again. Yeah. It's possible. Whereas

5:22

a chocolate bar, it's much easier. Yeah.

5:24

And then I'm not interested in the

5:26

fun versions of the things in the

5:28

middle. I want the full versions from

5:31

the news agents. Right. Yeah. Okay. So

5:33

I probably won't get an Easter egg. Okay,

5:35

well, I think that's the priest.

5:37

Okay, I look forward to the

5:39

post. Chat.

5:43

Let me tell you about something

5:45

that I can't work out

5:47

whether it's excruciating or not. Okay,

5:49

go on. Yeah,

5:52

we're selling our house. Yeah. So

5:54

somebody has put an offer

5:56

in on it, which we've accepted.

5:58

Who knows what will happen?

6:00

Yeah. But what this meant was

6:03

had the name of a

6:05

person. Who may in. Yeah, you

6:07

get the name, the person who made the offer.

6:09

So if you get the name of a person

6:11

in 2025, what's the first thing you do? Throw

6:13

straight to my computer, Google it. Yeah. So

6:15

think of just how it is. Okay.

6:20

But the first link that came up

6:22

was a LinkedIn page. Now, I'm not

6:24

going to click on that. Do you

6:26

know why? Because know. Because unless you

6:28

pay for LinkedIn, people can see that

6:30

you've been looking at their profile. So

6:32

I'm not clicking on that. So I kept

6:34

scrolling and then found their workplace. So

6:37

it went on the About

6:39

Us or Our Team page. And

6:42

then it had their name with, like, the link

6:44

underneath it. So I clicked on it. Awful

6:46

news. Oh, God, it didn't go

6:48

to LinkedIn. Yes. Oh, no. That's so

6:50

embarrassing. So I closed it

6:52

before. Oh, no. Too late. Like whack -a

6:55

-mole or something. late. I closed it

6:57

before the page fully loaded. Oh, too

6:59

late. Yeah. Let me give

7:01

you a secret. The top key to

7:03

success here. Always have your LinkedIn logged

7:05

out or logged into a fake name

7:07

like Renny Kleinhart. If Renny Kleinhart, if

7:09

he looks you up on LinkedIn, it's

7:11

me. Never

7:15

have it logged in as yourself.

7:17

So my question is. Is

7:19

this going to jeopardise the sale? Well,

7:21

they're going to be – they'd have done

7:23

it to you anyway. So surely – We're

7:25

all doing it. Yeah, everybody who – if

7:27

you get the name of anybody these days,

7:29

have a look at Google of that. But

7:32

I do think they will probably

7:34

be creeped out if they look on

7:36

who's viewed your profile. person

7:40

whose house you're buying even though we're

7:42

all up to the same thing yeah

7:44

oh yeah i think they just need

7:46

to be honest and say look i

7:48

did it like 10 minutes after them

7:50

so we all did it all right

7:52

um that's what i'm doing over the

7:54

easter holidays since i'm not getting easter

7:56

egg i'm spending some time setting up

7:58

a fake linkedin profile good for you

8:04

All right, let's hear from the drifters. Oh, before

8:06

we do so, I just want to say

8:09

if you're thinking, oh, I'll add Jeff on LinkedIn,

8:11

please don't. So I don't use it like

8:13

that. I'm never logged in. And

8:15

then there's going to be an awkwardness

8:18

where I won't accept you and I'll feel

8:20

bad about not accepting you. But I

8:22

don't even know why I'm on there apart

8:24

from nosing other people. And it hadn't

8:26

occurred to me to set up a fake

8:28

page. Right, right. Which I think I'll

8:30

do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I recommend it. Okay,

8:32

good. So I deleted my LinkedIn quite

8:34

recently. Oh, did you? Why am I even

8:37

on here? So I

8:39

deleted it. Yeah. And then

8:41

I needed to look at something,

8:43

so I had to reactivate my

8:45

account. Oh, okay. Fake account. Yeah,

8:47

yeah, yeah, that's the key. Although

8:49

my wife recently set up a

8:52

LinkedIn page, and for some reason

8:54

it wouldn't believe it was her,

8:56

so it made her... download

8:59

a thing onto her phone, which

9:01

then accessed the phone's camera. And she

9:03

had to hold government ID up

9:05

at the same time. Did it not

9:07

believe her? Because it's maybe not

9:09

that normal for comedians to join LinkedIn.

9:11

Is it not just for business

9:13

people? She's trying to get some of

9:15

that sweet corporate coin. Ah, gotcha.

9:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so maybe

9:20

I'll just delete my profile and embed

9:22

to name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take

9:25

your suggestions for names, please. Anything

9:27

spring to mind off the top of your head? Gerard

9:30

Nundan. Not bad. Okay. How

9:32

are you spelling Nundan? N

9:34

-E -R -N -D -A -R -N.

9:37

Good. Nundan. Okay. Shall

9:39

we hear from the listeners? Let's.

9:41

I'm going to ask them any other

9:43

business again. Yes. Firstly, from Alec,

9:46

talking about those things that make you

9:48

feel old, TV shows, films, blah,

9:50

blah, blah. He says, if

9:52

you think about, because he's talking about happy days.

9:55

Think back to when Back to the

9:57

Future. If it was to be

9:59

remade today, Marty would be travelling back

10:01

30 years to 1995. And

10:03

he makes a very good point. No time

10:05

travel film should be set in living memory

10:07

as far as I'm concerned. Oh,

10:10

interesting. I

10:13

feel a little bit like I do about

10:15

Who Do You Think You Are? Right. Which

10:17

is a great show. Yeah. But

10:19

sometimes when these things are so far

10:21

back in history and they're getting upset.

10:24

I don't know, that great, great,

10:26

great, great, great, great, great grandfather

10:28

was trampled at the Peterloo massacre.

10:30

I can't connect to that. Did

10:33

you just make that up, was

10:35

it? Did you see that once?

10:37

No, no, I'm just... Okay. I

10:41

can't connect to that in the

10:43

same way as I can someone's granddad

10:45

who they knew suffered terribly in

10:47

the Second World War but never talked

10:50

about it. Inherited trauma though, everyone's

10:52

talking about it. So, you

10:54

know, I think very broadly

10:56

speaking, sorry, I'm just trying

10:58

to take a picture. Could

11:03

you hear me then just like filling time while I got

11:05

my phone and opened the camera? Your

11:08

glasses are over your mouth at the moment. I've

11:10

got this annoying thing with my glasses where when I'm

11:12

reading these emails, I have to wear my reading

11:14

glasses. But then I can't look at you and chat

11:16

in between with them on because you go all

11:18

blurry and it hurts my eyes. So I don't know

11:20

what to do with them. So I just like

11:22

hang them down over my mouth. But I admit that's

11:24

not cool. I'll take them off. I think it's

11:26

like you've got a glasses beard. Commonly

11:28

people put them on their head. I can tell

11:30

you're distracted by it because I can see your

11:33

eyes keep glancing down on my mouth. What

11:35

is she doing? It's

11:37

just odd, you know, when you see

11:40

somebody exhibit a behaviour that you've

11:42

never seen another human being. I

11:45

need to get my lanyard back out again,

11:47

my glasses lanyard. Get that clicked on again. Anyway,

11:50

shall we move on to the next

11:52

one now? This is from Andrew. He's

11:54

got a fun fact about boxes in

11:56

theatres. The view is almost intentionally bad

11:58

because it historically was nothing to do

12:00

with seeing the show and everything to

12:02

do with people seeing you. And

12:05

in theatres that have more than

12:07

one box for wordless interplay with the

12:09

people in the boxes opposite. I'd

12:11

have loved some wordless interplay, wouldn't you? What,

12:14

like you're doing mimes, like playing charades? No,

12:16

just like speaking without words with your eyes,

12:18

like we're better than them, aren't we? I'm

12:20

imagining. Oh, I see what you mean. Imagining,

12:22

that's what they're saying. And

12:24

this is from Mighty Dame Vicky. I

12:26

had to write in after hearing your snippet

12:29

about the dying out of the thumbs

12:31

up. I met my partner on the dating

12:33

app Hinge. I'm not sure if you're

12:35

familiar with it, but you have to make

12:37

a profile with four to six photos

12:39

and various prompts. Of my partner's five photos,

12:41

he was doing a single thumbs up

12:43

in one and a double thumbs up in

12:46

another. At first I was worried this

12:48

was a bit cheesy, but in the world

12:50

of internet dating, I then decided that

12:52

a bad man wouldn't go for a cheesy

12:54

thumbs up and he was worth a

12:56

punt. Fast forward three and a half years

12:58

and we're engaged and excitedly expecting our

13:00

first baby. I do think the thumbs up

13:03

plays a significant role, so I guess

13:05

I wanted to add my story in support

13:07

of this admittedly cheesy gesture. Wow, that's

13:09

great. I've noticed over

13:11

the years that my thumbs up

13:13

is a bit weird because of

13:15

my neurodivergent thumb that bends backwards.

13:17

You see there? Sorry, is

13:19

that something to do with being neurodivergent? I

13:21

think so, yeah. Oh, you should just see

13:23

toms. They practically curl around. Well, I'm completely

13:25

unsurprised. Honestly, he's

13:27

the most curly human being ever.

13:29

He's the most textbook ADHD human

13:31

being ever. Oh, dear. Don't say

13:34

that to him. Look at mine. Deadly straight. I

13:36

just had to straighten it. That is a

13:38

surprise. I mean, there's something. No. But

13:43

I'm worried now that all the bad people listening to

13:45

this are now going to do their hinge photos with thumbs

13:47

up so they can be baddies and trick nice ladies.

13:49

going to be listening to this if they're bad people, Of

13:51

course they're not, silly me. And then

13:53

this is from Gareth. Forgive me because this was

13:55

a couple of months ago. But I

13:57

remember Jeff reminiscing about having an image in

13:59

his head about cows always having a daisy

14:01

in their mouths in the 60s or 70s.

14:03

As soon as Jeff said this... It wasn't

14:05

an image in my head. Oh, it wasn't

14:08

an image because you can't have an image

14:10

in my head. No, no. It immediately made

14:12

me think of Ermintrude the cow in the

14:14

Magic Roundabout. So I wonder if, subconsciously, this

14:16

is what Jeff was thinking about. Yeah,

14:18

but I think it was... So I

14:20

accept that. But I think it wasn't just

14:22

Ermintrude. You think it was more than

14:24

just Ermintrude? Okay. Gareth

14:27

also has a story about putting up with things

14:29

for far too long. Annabelle talking

14:31

about things that need fixing in her

14:33

house or things that just get left

14:35

or ignored for far too long prompted

14:37

me to send you my example of

14:39

this. In my office, we use some

14:41

really dated software for time and attendance

14:43

management, completing timesheets, recording holidays and absences,

14:45

that sort of thing. One day after

14:47

logging into this software, I discovered that

14:50

everything was now in French. I have

14:52

no idea how or why this happened,

14:54

but all of the menu options and

14:56

various bits of text was now all

14:58

in French. I couldn't be bothered to

15:00

deal with this, so I decided to

15:02

ignore it and just hope it sorted

15:04

itself out. However, a couple of weeks

15:06

later, I received a reminder that my

15:08

timesheets were late, so I logged back

15:10

in to deal with this and still

15:12

had the same problem. I should have

15:15

taken this to the IT team, but

15:17

this process often becomes painful and time

15:19

consuming. So with the little help of

15:21

Google Translate, I muddled my way through. Now

15:24

it's four months on. And instead of

15:26

having this fixed properly like an adult,

15:28

I've just gradually learned enough French to

15:30

get me through. It's not actually that

15:32

difficult. I'm no expert, but I was

15:34

fairly sure that approval absence was approved

15:36

absence from the start. So with this

15:38

and a few other key phrases now

15:40

learned in French, I'm able to do

15:42

what I need to get by. Maybe

15:44

one day I'll get it fixed properly,

15:46

but not just yet. Oh,

15:49

that's great. That's also reminded me of

15:51

that. As an affectation. Say

15:53

affectation weirdly then, didn't it? As

15:55

an affectation, sometimes when I

15:58

used to go to a cash

16:00

machine with somebody, you'd select

16:02

language. I'd just select French and

16:04

see if they noticed. No. I

16:07

don't think you see select language so much

16:09

anymore, do you? Although I'm not using many

16:11

cash machines these days. God, no, not for

16:13

years. That'll be why, yeah. Okay.

16:16

Would you like my OK then? OK.

16:19

OK. Nothing on...

16:21

I was really hoping we're going to

16:23

have something on eccentric cinema managers. Oh,

16:25

no, but Jack Mamoru has said he's willing

16:27

to be our unofficial or perhaps now official cinema

16:29

correspondents. That's great news. Thank you, Jack. Good.

16:31

As long as there's no money involved. No, I'm

16:33

sorry. I think he's aware of that. Don't

16:35

worry. He did it pro bono.

16:37

Yeah, he did say pro bono. Yeah,

16:39

he did say that, I remember now.

16:41

The email address, please, if you would

16:44

like to share with us, is hello

16:46

at adriftpodcast .com. How's

17:00

it going on the old sub stack? Oh,

17:02

thank you for asking. So

17:05

this week I'm writing about

17:07

how I'm unable to deal

17:09

with the slightest of slights. Ah.

17:12

There was an incident over the weekend

17:14

that prompted this. There was a small

17:16

slight and the turmoil it sent me

17:19

into and a few other examples. So

17:21

you can read that, annabelleport .substack .com. Come

17:23

and join me. And when's the price

17:25

hike coming? Oh, yeah, 10 days. You've

17:27

got 10 days left to get in

17:29

there in the bargain half price of

17:31

£2. And then it's going up on

17:33

the 26th of April, which is my

17:35

two -year anniversary. Do you

17:37

do one of those founding member things where

17:39

you can get an annual? Yeah, you get

17:41

your name on the founders' members' honours board.

17:44

Nice. All right. Yep.

17:46

Do you have another way in

17:48

which you're not a fully functioning

17:50

adult? Yes. My what I'm pretty

17:52

sure is abnormal obsession with the

17:54

TV show Gladiators. I was

17:56

worried that this might be boring if anyone

17:58

hadn't seen the show. But then I

18:00

remembered that I mentioned the 1846 repeal of

18:02

the Corn Laws last week. So this

18:05

is going to be sizzling in comparison. I

18:07

know you don't watch it, for example,

18:09

do you? But you're very, very aware of

18:11

it. I am, yeah. I tend not

18:13

to like anything involving feats of strength. Yeah,

18:15

there is a lot of that. Or

18:17

physical dexterity. Yeah, there's a lot of that

18:19

going on. I'd like, you know, when

18:21

people say, you go to France and their

18:23

Saturday night TV is philosophers sat around

18:25

talking. That's what I want.

18:27

Come on, no, you don't. You're like

18:29

the masked singer. Like, I couldn't be

18:31

any more different. Yeah, no, it's true.

18:33

Yeah, I mean, I suppose there's physical strength

18:36

watching them try and get the masks

18:38

off sometimes. Do they pre -record those

18:40

songs or do they sing them inside the

18:42

mask? No, they're singing them inside the

18:44

mask. Wow. Yeah. That's impressive. Yeah. Anyway.

18:46

Yes. So I'm going to just very

18:48

briefly describe Gladiators in case anybody is

18:50

unlucky enough to have never come across

18:52

it. There are nine male and

18:54

nine female superhuman gladiators with names like

18:56

Fury and Giant. And each week, members

18:58

of the public take part in sporty

19:00

games against them to win points. And

19:02

then the contenders go against each other

19:04

in the Eliminator, which is kind of

19:06

an obstacle course. Well, it is an

19:08

obstacle course. And you get a head

19:10

start if you've got more points than

19:12

the other contender. That's basically it. It's

19:14

extremely exciting. And I love

19:16

it so much. I've loved it since the

19:18

very beginning, which I think is the

19:20

very early 90s. And I wanted to show

19:22

my son the original Gladiators. So he

19:25

watched it on YouTube and it was so

19:27

flat that it was actually pretty much

19:29

unwatchable. Really? So interesting how much better TV

19:31

has got. Well, everything is

19:33

just... faster paced and

19:35

more frenetic. So if you watch

19:37

anything old, it just feels painfully

19:39

slow. It feels boring and flat

19:41

and the graphics are just so

19:43

terrible. I didn't know you're such a big

19:45

graphics fan. You

19:48

like to show good graphics. I do.

19:50

I love a graphic. I love a graphic.

19:52

So it's just so much better now.

19:54

The contenders are also so much better now,

19:56

which I think is interesting because out

19:58

of the four male semifinalists, Three had set

20:00

new Eliminator records in the course of

20:02

the series and they were all broken again

20:04

in the final. They're just getting better.

20:06

I don't really know why that is. like

20:08

the Olympics, isn't it? People are just

20:10

getting better. I don't know. There's some

20:12

world records that haven't broken. But I just

20:14

think, yeah, better YouTube videos people are watching. I

20:16

don't know. There'll be some reason. Fitness

20:19

is different these days. People take

20:21

it more seriously. I

20:24

remember when

20:26

I was... I

20:28

want to say 10 or 11,

20:30

there was a man who used to

20:32

do his exercises in the park.

20:35

Right. And it was a

20:37

point of conversation. Really? So who does

20:39

he think about? I remember my mum

20:41

and my aunties being like... Oh, really?

20:43

Who does he think he is doing

20:45

that in front of people showing off?

20:47

Do you know what I think? Strong

20:49

men were people like Jeff Caves. Yeah,

20:51

yeah. And then... I don't know. Everybody

20:53

else was doing like maybe a bit

20:55

of Mad Lizzy or a bit of

20:57

weightlifting. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:00

It's a whole other thing now. Yeah. Towing

21:02

a truck for comic relief. Got CrossFit now. Yeah. I

21:04

don't even know what that is. I just threw it

21:06

in there. Yeah, I don't know what it is. We

21:08

both don't know what it is. So

21:10

here are some of the things that

21:13

I think is abnormal about my obsession. Number

21:15

one, the final was while I was

21:17

away last week in Sussex and I arranged

21:19

the whole of the last day of

21:21

the holiday around being back to our apartment

21:23

in time to watch the final on

21:25

TV. There was absolutely no question of watching

21:27

it the next week when we were

21:29

back. I was excited all day. It's basically

21:31

like my World Cup final. I can't

21:33

judge this as somebody who went on a

21:35

weekend away to Brighton. Yeah. the year

21:38

that it was Will Young versus Gareth Gates

21:40

in Pop Idol. Yeah, yeah. And I

21:42

had a dinner reservation. I feel

21:44

like it might have been like a

21:46

Valentine's Day or something. Oh, yeah. So

21:48

I took a VHS video recorder and

21:50

rigged it up to the hotel TV

21:52

so that I'd be able to watch

21:54

it, because this was before on -demand shows

21:56

online, so that I'd be able to

21:58

watch it when we got back from

22:00

the restaurant. This is all totally understandable

22:02

to me. It was a very exciting

22:04

series, that one. really was. Okay,

22:07

here's what I think is abnormal number

22:09

two. How often I cry during what is

22:11

essentially like a light -hearted, sporty game show.

22:13

Because I would say I cry every

22:15

episode. What is it, backstories? It's not always

22:17

backstories. It's a bit of backstory, like

22:20

Joe F. one of the finalists who grew

22:22

up without a dad and his mum

22:24

died when he was two and him dedicating

22:26

every win to his granny Christine who

22:28

brought him up. That's it, I'm gone. Amanda

22:30

dedicating her win to her mum who

22:32

died recently. That's it, I've gone. Xavier

22:35

winning the Eliminator by gritting her teeth

22:37

and getting up the travelator. But even

22:39

though she'd like really damaged her knee,

22:41

just with this incredible sure force of

22:43

will, like she was in agony. You

22:45

could see in her face, she still

22:47

did it. I was in tears. If

22:49

a gladiator respects a contestant so much

22:51

that they hug them, that's it, I'm

22:53

gone. Anybody over 40 taking part, that's

22:55

it, I'm gone. Totally gone. Does that

22:57

include Bradley Walsh? No. Here's

23:01

what I think is abnormal number three. How

23:04

it makes me laugh more than any comedy.

23:06

Really? Oh my God. There's only one

23:08

part that does it though. And it

23:10

is the travelator in The Eliminator. They

23:12

have to run up a quite sharply

23:14

sloped moving walkway. And nothing in this

23:17

world to me is funnier than when

23:19

they're too tired and their legs go

23:21

to jelly and they fall flat on

23:23

their face and get dragged back down. And

23:26

honestly, when it's happening to both contestants at

23:28

the same time, one after the other, they

23:30

can't finish it. Honestly, for me, there is

23:32

no comedian who's ever existed that's written a

23:34

funnier joke. kills me there was

23:36

one contender who struggled to get up and

23:38

then once you're up you're supposed to swing

23:40

on a rope through this big piece of

23:42

paper for want of a better word and

23:44

he was so tired that he forgot about

23:46

the rope and just threw himself through it

23:48

and honestly I have never in my life

23:50

laughed more Here's

23:52

what I think is abnormal number four, though,

23:54

because I hate it when the contender

23:56

who's won comes back round to the travelator

23:58

at the end to encourage and cheer

24:00

on the losing contender. The commentator's always like,

24:02

oh, this is great sportsmanship. Look at

24:05

Jo F cheering on Muzz or whatever. But

24:07

if I were the loser, I'd say,

24:09

go away. Stop rubbing your win in my

24:11

face. You're putting me off. Drives me

24:13

mad that they do that. Here's

24:15

what I think is abnorm number five. How

24:17

often I think about becoming a contender, even

24:19

though I'm weak and unfit and 50. And

24:21

even if I trained solidly for two hours

24:23

a day for the next two years, I

24:25

still wouldn't be good enough. So instead, I

24:27

spend a weird amount of time trying to

24:29

persuade Tom to enter. Tom's

24:32

not even that into it. And he's the

24:34

sporty one. He didn't watch the final. Why

24:36

do I love it so much? Anyway,

24:39

I feel like I've been going on too

24:41

long now. But it's also not normal that

24:43

as a 50 -year -old woman, I'm Googling all

24:45

the gladiators' real names and what they used

24:47

to do and who their boyfriends and girlfriends

24:49

are. None of this is normal and I

24:51

will now stop. Yeah, I think we should

24:53

pivot to a podcast where you describe people

24:55

falling over. I

24:58

really enjoyed it. Oh, did you? Okay,

25:00

maybe we'll do a pilot. Without

25:07

going into any detail, I asked a

25:09

couple of people to help me out

25:11

with something for my son's birthday, which

25:13

is tomorrow. And

25:16

they both came through for me. So

25:19

I wanted to send a thank you.

25:23

One of them, I sent

25:25

some chocolates. And

25:27

the palaver this turned

25:29

into. So

25:32

I sent them and the chocolate company

25:34

got in touch with me and said,

25:36

oh, we've accidentally, you asked for same

25:39

day delivery, but we've sent them with

25:41

a courier. So they're going to get

25:43

it twice. Can you get in touch

25:45

with them and ask them to send

25:47

the couriered ones back to us? No,

25:49

it's a gift. you have an admin

25:51

for deed? Exactly, exactly, exactly. But

25:54

then because it was a

25:56

surprise, when the courier tried

25:58

to get in touch with

26:00

them, to say we're outside

26:02

your building. Have you ever

26:05

been in, had those scam texts

26:07

from people pretending to be couriers?

26:09

Yeah. Sarah's always getting caught out

26:11

by, no, to be fair, she

26:13

got caught out by one once

26:15

and then she's always asking me,

26:17

do you think this is real

26:19

or not? That courier company Every,

26:21

E -V -R Oh, yeah, yeah. And

26:23

then she'll send me a link

26:25

and it's like, not every .com

26:27

or every .co .uk, it's like every

26:29

129AK stroke. C -A -Z

26:31

-A or dot

26:34

Z. So no, I

26:36

don't think that's their real website. What's

26:38

she going to be like in old age?

26:40

That's what she's like now in her

26:42

40s. But anyway, the person I was sending

26:44

these chocolates to thought it was a

26:46

scam. So then didn't reply to the text

26:48

messages. There was this whole thing went

26:50

on. And then the

26:52

other person who helped

26:55

me out, I sent them

26:57

a book via Amazon. to

27:00

their workplace. This

27:02

is about a week ago at

27:04

this point and I haven't had a

27:06

thank you. So

27:09

I've got terrible anxiety, of

27:11

course, that they didn't get

27:13

it. But it's also very

27:16

possible that they're off for

27:18

the Easter holidays. Oh,

27:20

and also maybe they just got it and thought,

27:22

oh, that's nice and didn't think to mention it.

27:24

Do you thank a thank you? That's it. Yeah,

27:26

yeah. So I

27:28

don't want a thank you. I

27:30

think the polite thing to do just

27:32

for the peace of mind as

27:34

the sender of the sender is to

27:36

say, oh, thanks for the book.

27:38

You really shouldn't have. Yes, yes, yes,

27:40

yes. But at the moment, I'm

27:42

at the point where I don't know

27:44

if the Amazon delivery ever got

27:46

to them. Oh, this is tricky. Like

27:50

if I look on my account,

27:52

it says left at porch and

27:54

it's like a huge. So

27:56

there's no porch or is there a

27:58

porch? But then if

28:01

I send him an email,

28:03

just checking you got it,

28:05

it looks like I'm fishing

28:07

for a thank you. I

28:10

think in this situation, the left porch thing

28:12

is so weird and vague in a big

28:14

business. I think you can say it. I

28:17

give you permission. That's what I'm going to do. You

28:21

sent me some clippings. I was going to go through

28:23

some of them. This is from The

28:25

Telegraph. I only got the headline in the

28:27

first paragraph because I don't have an account. I'm

28:29

surprised you do. I don't, but

28:31

weirdly, the whole article came up when I clicked

28:33

on it. Really? Yeah, so I thought, oh, it's

28:35

not behind a paywall and I sent it to

28:37

you. That's weird. Here's something that I don't understand. So

28:40

I may have said this before.

28:42

It's vexed me for some years. Say

28:47

there was

28:49

an interview with

28:51

Mike White. creator

28:54

of the White Lotus in the

28:56

Telegraph. I'm not a Telegraph reader,

28:58

generally speaking, but I might think

29:00

I'd quite like to read that.

29:02

And in the old world, I

29:04

could go to the news agents

29:07

and pay a pound and have

29:09

the Telegraph. And maybe their

29:11

hope would be, oh, this newspaper is not

29:13

what you think it's going to be. Maybe

29:15

that you do like it after all, and

29:17

then I'll become a regular reader. But

29:20

they've completely given up on that as

29:22

a business model. They give you a

29:24

click -baity headline that gets you into

29:26

a frenzy. I want to read that. And

29:29

then it's sign up for a free

29:31

trial in the hope that you'll forget to

29:33

cancel it. And then we'll see how

29:35

long we can get away with charging you

29:37

20 quid a month or whatever. That's

29:39

a terrible business model. Why shouldn't I be

29:41

able to? Buy

29:44

an article. Because I would pay

29:46

over the odds. I'd pay more

29:48

for the article than for whatever

29:50

the page of a newspaper would

29:52

cost. I'd pay the

29:54

cost of a newspaper to read an

29:56

article sometimes. Yes, yes, yes. So why can't

29:58

you do that? Surely that's a better

30:00

way. And then

30:02

have a thing that pops up on

30:04

your website that says, do you know you've

30:06

spent £7 on articles this month? Have

30:08

you thought about a subscription? Yes, yes. Do

30:11

you think they haven't thought about this?

30:13

Because it's so obvious. I think the depressing

30:15

thing about modern life is a lot

30:17

of companies' business model is, oh,

30:19

maybe they'll forget. Well, yeah, that's the

30:21

whole business model. You can't be

30:23

bothered to, like, yeah, cancel it. Oh,

30:28

Telegraph. Yes, yes. What's the

30:30

headline there? Humans will soon

30:32

understand dolphins, claim experts. Don't

30:34

need the rest of the story. An

30:36

AI model programmed with the animal's clicks

30:38

and whistles could soon facilitate human communication.

30:40

Then the rest of it was behind

30:42

a paywall. I

30:47

don't need to be talking to a

30:49

dolphin. No, you don't want to

30:51

chat to a dolphin. No, here's what I thought.

30:53

Here's what I thought about this. It's

30:55

rare enough for me to

30:57

feel any kind of a

30:59

connection with a human being.

31:01

Right. And we live quite

31:03

similar lives. Right,

31:07

right. I don't relate to a dolphin.

31:10

If a dolphin says, hey,

31:13

I'll never guess what happened to

31:15

me today, I would think I

31:17

probably can or I'm aware of

31:19

the parameters here and it's not

31:22

that great. I can see what

31:24

you're saying. You're not going to

31:26

have a great chat. You're not

31:28

going to have a great chat

31:30

with a dolphin. And I just

31:32

think, you know, we just perceive

31:34

the world from a human paradigm

31:36

of humanity and dolphins. Like, you

31:39

know, have you ever seen your dog stop and

31:41

admire a view? No. The

31:44

only thing a dog would think about a

31:46

view is, oh, this is a good vantage

31:48

point to spot a squirrel from. Or I

31:50

can smell something nicer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

31:52

So I'm just... I'd

31:54

like to chat with them and find out if

31:56

they're nice or not. How would you do that? Well,

31:58

you'd get a feel like within the conversation to

32:00

get a feel like this is a nice guy or

32:02

this is like a baddie. Okay,

32:04

let's role play it. You're you and I'm

32:06

the dolphin, but I'm not going to

32:08

click some whistles. Okay, okay. You're going through

32:10

AI. Yeah. Hello. This

32:12

is exciting. I've never spoken to a dolphin

32:14

before. How are you?

32:16

How's life? Tell me everything. I

32:24

don't perceive life in that way.

32:26

I just exist entirely in the present.

32:28

Oh, you're a baddie. You're

32:30

a really annoying

32:32

baddie. Yeah,

32:34

I've got nothing to say to a

32:36

dolphin. I wish them well. Yeah. So

32:40

how are you going to get,

32:42

if you think, what's life like for

32:44

a dolphin? It's like when people, Neil

32:47

Armstrong would say that, or

32:49

Buzz Aldrin, I can't remember

32:51

which, would say, the

32:54

question that people had

32:56

asked them. What's

32:58

it like? What's it like

33:00

on the moon? Or what's

33:02

it like being in the

33:04

Beatles? What's it like being a dolphin?

33:07

I don't know. Right. I

33:09

don't know, yeah. Yeah,

33:11

I need to think about it. What's it

33:13

like being a human? Yeah,

33:15

you're right. You're right,

33:17

so bad. Okay. All

33:19

right. Another one? Yes.

33:23

This is from the

33:25

BBC. Ancient

33:28

oak tree cut down by

33:30

Toby Carvery. Shouldn't

33:33

laugh. It's actually really bad. Yeah, it's not

33:35

good of him, that, is it? No. It's

33:38

got the knives, though. Sorry.

33:43

It's all right. Sorry. I was

33:45

just trying to let it land.

33:47

I thought Toby Carvery was a

33:49

person. Yeah. But the knives

33:51

were better. I'll admit it. The

33:54

cutting down of a 500 -year -old

33:56

oak in North London was ordered

33:58

on health and safety grounds by

34:00

the pub chain that owns Toby

34:02

Carvery after it was told that

34:04

the tree was dead. People

34:06

are upset about this. 500 -year -old tree.

34:08

Yes, I'd be upset. A living thing. I'm

34:10

sad. Yeah. I mean,

34:13

people are going to lose their minds when they

34:15

find out. The

34:17

stuff that they're carving up in the Toby Calvary,

34:19

where that comes from. If they're worried about killing

34:21

things just for the sake of it. Yeah.

34:26

From the eye newspaper. Human

34:29

teeth grown in lab

34:31

for first time by scientists.

34:34

Researchers at King's College London say

34:36

the breakthrough could lead to

34:38

patients regrowing lost teeth in the

34:40

future. That's a

34:42

creepy workplace, isn't it? Oh, with

34:44

all those teeth everywhere. Just

34:46

growing. Oh, yes. Do you imagine

34:48

there being a lot of ultraviolet light and

34:50

red light and stuff? Like the lighting's often

34:53

weird. So I was thinking of the plant

34:55

pots with soil, but they're wrong, isn't it?

34:57

Petri dishes or something, they? Yeah.

34:59

Just like a tooth growing

35:02

every day. Disgusting. Like a magic

35:04

crystal. Could

35:06

bode well for the economy, though. Yeah.

35:08

Yeah, because what you

35:10

could do is you could just grow loads

35:12

of these things and get everyone to

35:14

put them under the pillow. I mean, that's

35:16

it. People say in an AI world, like,

35:19

how are we going to live?

35:21

Because many of us won't have

35:23

jobs because it'll be done by

35:26

AI. We could just earn

35:28

money with these teeth. Yeah, teeth, we'll

35:30

get them. Although

35:32

it'd probably drive the prices down, wouldn't it? Ah.

35:36

Yeah, got to think these things through, haven't you? Yes.

35:39

I'm not sure you do, really. Quandary

35:51

Corner at the Glap Clinic here in

35:53

Problematic, Annabelle. Okay, this is from Alex.

35:55

I have a quandary that has perplexed

35:57

all I have so far asked and

36:00

I am therefore seeking your expert assistance

36:02

in search of a solution. I work

36:04

in a not -too -busy office, not very

36:06

loud, with minimal seating options. A colleague

36:08

I sit close to eats at his

36:10

desk, like most of us, as there

36:12

are minimal breakout area options. The issue

36:15

is he sounds worse than a cow

36:17

chewing the cud, at a volume somewhere

36:19

approaching that of a jumbo jet. Oh

36:21

my God, we took a friend's kid

36:23

to the cinema recently. Yeah. And

36:25

he asked if he could have popcorn. This

36:28

kid... then proceeded

36:30

to eat the popcorn like a horse,

36:32

he'd just stick his head into the

36:34

thing. What, like a dog would? Yeah,

36:36

yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that. It

36:38

was amazing to watch, yeah. Sorry.

36:41

Did his head disappear as it was?

36:43

Yeah. Oh, my God. used to sit back

36:45

of it, but it was like face

36:47

down in the popcorn. love that. He'd just

36:49

like go in, like he was bobbing

36:51

for apples. That's amazing. It makes

36:53

my skin crawl each time I

36:55

hear it. I've tried putting headphones on,

36:57

but it doesn't always drown out the

36:59

sound. He is too loud. Also, it's

37:01

not always possible, for example, if a

37:04

few of us are discussing some work.

37:06

How can I politely inform this

37:08

colleague that their eating is the wet,

37:10

sloppy, tongue -slapping equivalent of nails down a

37:12

chalkboard and ask them to either

37:14

find somewhere else to eat or learn

37:16

to eat like a civilised human being?

37:18

This quandary is made more challenging by

37:20

the fact this colleague is a nice

37:22

person without much confidence and is not

37:25

particularly close to anyone in the office.

37:27

I don't want to upset this

37:29

person or hurt them, but it can't

37:31

go on. Please, please help me. Okay. Here's

37:34

what I've got to say to you. It

37:37

can go on. And

37:39

it has to go on. You

37:41

can't tell them without hurting their feelings.

37:43

That is an impossibility. You can't

37:45

have one without the other. No. I'm

37:47

going to talk to you about earplugs. I

37:50

tell you, I've started wearing earplugs just around

37:52

the house and stuff. What? Yeah, I'm loving

37:54

it. What's going on in

37:56

your house that you feel the need

37:58

to? Like your son asking for things?

38:00

No, don't worry. Asking to meet his

38:02

needs? Not when my son's at home.

38:04

Okay. Just to deaden the sound of

38:06

the dog barking every time someone moves

38:08

outside. To deaden the sound

38:10

of Tom having calls on his phone

38:12

on loudspeaker. Just to deaden the sound

38:14

of life. And I am loving it.

38:16

I find I can concentrate much better.

38:19

And I can't wear them at night,

38:21

as previously discussed, because Tom wears them

38:23

at night. But you're sharing them? No,

38:25

shut up. The daytime is my earplug

38:27

time now. And I think earplugs, if

38:29

you get some good ones, they're going

38:31

to shut this out. They are. And

38:34

they have many other benefits. Name

38:36

them. Not having to deal with anyone else

38:38

in the office. And

38:40

also I think there are some ones you can

38:42

get that I've seen them all over Instagram. Like they're

38:44

almost fashionable to wear during the day now. How

38:48

close when you say almost fashionable. I'd

38:51

say like 99 % fashionable. They're on

38:53

the trajectory to becoming fashionable. Yeah, yeah,

38:55

yeah. Because you can get them in

38:58

like cool colours and stuff. I've told

39:00

you that I wake up deaf in

39:02

one ear. Yeah, it's not good. I

39:04

think it's just a waxing. Because

39:06

it gets better as the day goes on. And I

39:08

think I've also noticed if I really tip my head to

39:10

one side. But it's quite

39:12

nice if I've got the good

39:14

ear on the pillow and then the

39:17

deaf ear pointing out to the

39:19

world. That's like having earplugs in

39:21

for the first part of the day. It's

39:23

like nature's own earplugs. My wife and son are

39:25

squabbling about something. I don't have to see

39:27

it here. So you haven't thought about having them

39:29

syringed? Yeah. Do you want the honest truth?

39:31

Yes, I have. You have thought about it. But

39:34

you have, I think you're supposed to do

39:36

a few days off your own back of

39:38

like putting some drops in. A week of

39:40

olive oil. And you can't, you can't. Yeah,

39:42

I know. I know you. The admin that.

39:44

That's not happening. It's not happening. Yeah, yeah.

39:46

You can't just have it done. No, why

39:49

can't they just admit me to hospital for

39:51

a week and then someone puts drops away

39:53

as every day. my God. And then stringes

39:55

them on the 7th. Tell you That would

39:57

be a good use of NHS resources. You

39:59

need a nurse. You need a nurse. Yes.

40:01

Yeah, you need a nurse. A

40:03

private nurse. Yes, that's exactly what I

40:05

need. I need to be... When's your

40:08

birthday? Like young Mr. Grayson, I think

40:10

so. I'm going to save up and

40:12

buy you a nurse. Your

40:14

face! You look so happy! And I know

40:16

some people, you know, have a seedy

40:18

association with that. No. Not at all me.

40:20

No, that wasn't in your facial expression.

40:22

It was just like being looked after. Yeah.

40:24

All I want to be is looked

40:26

after. No one's ever looked after me. Well,

40:28

apart from your wife. Oh, yeah? Oh,

40:30

right. Okay, yeah. I'll take that back. And

40:38

that was

40:41

our podcast.

40:43

Thank you

40:46

for listening

40:48

to it.

40:51

We appreciate

40:53

you. We

40:56

appreciate you

40:58

being here.

41:01

There's a lot going on in your life. Unless

41:04

there isn't, in which case, what

41:06

else are you going to be doing?

41:08

Yeah. But either way, you're welcome.

41:10

We love clasping you to our comely

41:12

bosom here every week on Adrift.

41:14

Thanks to Man in the Echo for

41:16

the backing music and to Emily

41:18

Harrison for the incidental music. Thanks

41:20

to Carla Gowlett, who took our

41:22

photos, and Kim Rainey, who designed our

41:24

artwork. Have a...

41:26

Happy Easter. And

41:28

sorry for all that stuff we

41:31

said about crucifixes if it offended

41:33

you. Sorry. We're nice, though. Yeah,

41:35

we are.