0:02

Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy.

0:04

This Cold Stratton here filling in once again

0:06

for Kevin Pollock, who's off shooting the prequel

0:09

to End of Days. Plenty of Days left. Let's

0:14

meet her Chemist for today. She's also

0:16

fierce on the runway. Vanessa Ragland, what's

0:20

your signature? Look? This is kind of grimace.

0:25

I wish you guys could see this. It was really good. It

0:27

was I want to buy whatever she's selling next.

0:30

He's the end of the world and he knows it. Joey

0:33

Greer, Yes, I am Joey. How's

0:35

it all gonna end? I don't want to spoil it.

0:39

He's so angsty he needs to dance hardcore

0:41

in a barn, Mark Gagliardie

0:44

Mark, what song really gets you going? Um?

0:47

Right now? The confrontation song from

0:49

La miz Oh. That's a good one. Yeah, right now.

0:51

You're too hip for your own good. I

0:55

mentioned the world where musical theater is awesome.

0:58

Row finally,

1:02

working too hard can give you a heart attack? Atta

1:04

Kikok Craig,

1:06

would you get in a car with Billy Joel in

1:09

a heartbeat? I

1:11

wouldn't let him drive? That's was

1:13

that what you were asking? I didn't specify

1:16

that I would get in a vehicle with him. What's

1:18

the cultural take on Billy Joel at this point,

1:21

cool or not? I

1:26

don't think he's like three years away from people being like,

1:28

Billy Joel's the coolest, Like it's kind of

1:30

about that. I mean, you two is not cool,

1:32

right YouTube they

1:34

were there's They've always been the biggest band in the world,

1:36

so they didn't don't have a chance to be cool or not cool.

1:38

They're just they're just a stadium. I

1:40

think they got a chance not to be cool,

1:43

but I don't know that my opinion counts.

1:46

I just don't think they're cool.

1:51

Wait, do we have goss hot

1:53

Goss? We don't know. We don't know the

1:56

truth from Bam, We're just

1:58

getting headshakes and comes down for Beast

2:04

and Furious presents. Babe.

2:06

All right, well, let's get to our first scene. All of today's

2:09

scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.

2:11

If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast

2:14

at your name here at alchemy this dot

2:16

com. That's your name here at alchemy

2:18

this dot com. Our first scene comes

2:20

from David, who wrote, Dear Alchemists,

2:22

I would like to begin the way I'll finish, passionately

2:25

and without warning. Thank you, say

2:27

that you all have made

2:29

my job much easier. I travel three to four

2:31

days a week and usually drive four plus hours

2:33

at a time. I have laughed so hard I've cried, spit

2:35

water all over my dashboard, and swallowed my gum.

2:38

I would like to suggest a scene we always

2:40

see the public facing side of a live

2:42

action children's show, such as Sesame Street,

2:45

Blues Clues, Baby signing time, et

2:47

cetera. I have a one year signing

2:49

time and maybe it's singing time, but it's it's type

2:51

signing time here, so I'm gonna do that

2:55

terrifying show

2:57

teaches America signed like which to Toddler,

3:00

it's important signed us NBA right now. I have

3:03

a one year old and would love to see your interpretation

3:05

of what goes on behind the scenes in the writer's

3:07

room after bad takes craft services, et cetera.

3:10

I'll be overjoyed to hear you all take this and run

3:12

with it. I would like to tell everyone that I thoroughly

3:15

enjoy all of your characters. You're wonderful. Thank you again.

3:17

Can't wait to hear the next episode. Sincerely,

3:19

David, it's a rap. I

3:24

can't do that anymore. A

3:27

sure reason. I got your a costume in uh in the

3:29

trailer, so whenever you need it, it's

3:31

over there. I'm wearing the costume

3:34

I need for the day. I don't need the other costume. Okay,

3:37

do we have a for tomorrow? Christ

3:40

Uncle Squishy, Hey, Dwayne, you can

3:42

knock it off. I don't

3:44

know who Dwayne is, Uncle

3:47

Squishy. You don't have to always be on

3:50

Lawrence. I don't know why you even why do you

3:52

even try. I don't know him. I don't because because

3:55

I have faith in him. When when

3:57

he was hired here sixty one year ago,

4:00

everybody had faith in him, and we

4:03

don't have to be nice to him anymore. Like no, I just

4:05

feel like he's such a legacy here. Well,

4:08

I'm going to stop. Okay,

4:11

Uncle Squishy, Oh

4:14

my god, look at this the squishy

4:16

people. How are you doing? Corporate

4:23

new time over?

4:29

So? I want to just say the ratings are up.

4:31

The kids love it, the parents

4:34

love it. I think it's because I'm doing more feminist

4:36

stuff with my character. Thank you for listening to the notes

4:39

on what that was fantastic,

4:41

you know, we're progressive, we're moving.

4:44

Yeah, so I want to let you all know

4:46

we're gonna do a live show show.

4:49

We're gonna do a live show. Boss.

4:52

There's no way that Jayne's gonna be able to handle a live

4:54

show. I think he will know he can't,

4:57

can't take it. I think I know he's

5:00

ninety, and when he hits

5:02

ninety, we'll have a talk. He's

5:04

not all there. He's always uncle

5:06

squishy. He moves very slowly. We

5:09

have to edit around him and you

5:11

don't have to. Yeah, yeah, I'm

5:14

trying to. I'm trying to call angles on all

5:16

of these cameras and he's just wandering all over

5:18

the set. What do you think he's going to do on a live show. I think

5:20

he's gonna from his own year in

5:22

half the time, and then we'll guess what. We'll get a little

5:24

schlop pot of the bottom of the stage and it will excuse

5:28

me. I don't think I'm supposed to be back here.

5:30

I'm lost. Hey, you

5:33

want me to help you buy? Yeah, if

5:35

that would be great. Jesus Christ, why am I doing

5:38

this because you have one that all the kids left? Get

5:40

the kid to his mother? Yeah,

5:48

you know, I just I don't give a shit about

5:50

it. You know, I've been working like two weeks

5:52

on the set and that just sucking. Sucks. Yeah, you

5:54

know, you tell me about it. We've been we've

5:56

been out of here. I swear to

5:58

god, they're gonna put cameras out be able to smoking pit.

6:00

One of these days. They're gonna put cameras out of here. They're gonna

6:03

put mics out of here. They're listening to everything we

6:05

say. Corporate guy, yeah, Steve

6:07

Oh always uses to oh at the end, that

6:10

guy. They're gonna turn this whole thing into like a cam

6:13

girl scenario. You know what I meant smoking

6:15

all that. If I wasn't two weeks from

6:17

my pension, i'd get out now. Yeah. I

6:20

got a friend who works the baby signing time, I might

6:23

yeah. Yeah, wait, your two weeks from

6:25

your pension. Why you know what, you're gonna go get a new

6:27

job after you retire. I don't know. I just

6:30

you like to work, huh. I like to work. It's all

6:32

about that. Yeah, I get it. Oh,

6:34

Hey, guys, are we smoking? Yeah? Trying

6:38

to quit any

6:40

room for the new kid or no? Yeah?

6:43

Going out kidding? Okay, So we're

6:45

smoking. We're smoking. What do we do more? Old

6:47

burloughs, I don't smoke. Yeah,

6:51

he's American spirits, American spirit

6:55

PAULA guy

6:59

got gonna kill Dwayne if he comes by my craft

7:02

s trailer's table one more and

7:04

calls Red Vines fun time. Squishy

7:06

straws, I'm gonna fucking cut him. Oh, Dwayne,

7:09

sweet listen,

7:12

I'm trying to get into the boys club. I'm willing to

7:14

do what it takes well doing what it takes me complaining

7:17

a lot about Uncle Squishy, I'll tell you that. N

7:20

Yeah, you weren't here when Dwayne killed him? Man what

7:23

Yeah? Yeah, Dwayne,

7:25

Uncle Squishy killed him? In what

7:28

happened? How to do it? Excuse

7:31

me? Uncle Squishy, that's

7:35

my name and that's my game. Oh

7:37

would you mind signing this? It's it's a Auburn

7:39

Helbert helmet. It's Auburn

7:42

helmet. I just want your singature. I know you

7:44

played there. You're a tight end for Auburn University

7:47

and uh, Uncle

7:49

Squishy octopus. I

7:52

know that, But Dwayne Doyne Helper, you were

7:55

your tight end for Dwayne

7:57

Helper. You were a tight end for Auburn univer

8:00

there's no one by that name anymore.

8:03

Why don't you drop the act and just signed the helmet?

8:06

He stabbed him eight times, one freest

8:08

tenticle. It's unbelievable. Wait,

8:11

he was a football player. You're

8:13

missing the point of his story. Don't

8:16

don't bring it up. Don't bring it up. I

8:19

just love football. Really

8:22

Yeah, why did you say like that? Well, because

8:24

this is such a boys club. This is such a boys

8:26

club. I can't love football. Yeah, it's

8:29

an amazing game. You know, we will talk about it.

8:31

We just think with the CT and the fact they don't

8:33

play, they don't pay college players, it just it's

8:37

well, guess what, I'm a fan of the CT. I'm

8:39

sorry. Like you like head trauma?

8:42

Yeah, I love it? Yeah,

8:44

that's that's crazy. Yeah, I mean, what

8:46

the hell? Hey, come on, we're

8:49

I'm supposed to say crazy alright, Sorry,

8:51

yeah, crazy cigarettes?

8:55

Try hold on, let me roll you one. I gotta

8:57

roll mine. Okay,

9:01

okay, okay, the season eight

9:04

arc. Okay, we have to be concise on

9:06

this all right now, Uncle Squishy.

9:09

In the timeline so far, he said he

9:11

hasn't he has had kids. He hasn't had kids,

9:13

He hasn't hadd hasn't had kids, no kids.

9:15

Okay, so then let's add we're

9:18

not adding kids. The kids watch

9:20

the show. Uncle Squishy is everyone's uncle. We can't

9:22

be daddy uncle Squishy. We also added

9:25

an orphan in season sixty, episode

9:27

eight, So we've done that before and

9:29

it didn't go great. Thirty minutes till the light

9:32

show starts, I'm gonna need a scrap. Yes,

9:34

okay, I think we just do the thing

9:36

where he sings the eight arms song again. How

9:38

many times he's gonna do that? He can do that three times? How

9:41

you can do that three times? In the show eight

9:43

arms, eight arms? Ears

9:48

got one arm over here, one

9:50

over there, one over

9:52

here, and one over here, one

9:55

over here and one over here

9:58

and one on over here. You

10:01

sounds like the scripts. Ready, let's get wrong. Were

10:05

just sing the song? What if he did

10:07

it in Spanish? Shut

10:09

that anyone?

10:13

You know? Yeah?

10:17

Why is somebody pointing at the brown guy in the writer's

10:21

yeah brass brassy?

10:34

Hello? Oh my god? What does that mean?

10:37

What does that means? We have twenty minutes? Are

10:39

we add percent that? That's what that means? Yeah,

10:42

that's what that means. You're getting distracted by the wrong

10:45

thing. We have to we have a live show. We got Uncle Squshy.

10:47

We'll do the arm song three times, then another time in

10:49

Spanish that's four three, So he's gonna

10:51

say I got an arm over here twenty

10:53

four times over the course of the show, but

10:56

in different languages. So I think it's okay, bent

10:58

Amon nudos. What if that someone's name, If that's

11:00

a call for help, it's not. It means twenty minutes,

11:05

where's graph service? It's

11:08

never moved. Well,

11:11

I'm gonna squish them down the hall. My

11:14

uncle Squishy, Oh my god. Do

11:17

you think he's like that at home? What

11:19

do you mean, Grandpa?

11:23

We have to talk. What's

11:28

Grandpa's It's

11:31

it's about it's about Marline. I'm

11:34

sorry, Mrs Squishy.

11:40

What's wrong with this? Is squishy? You

11:43

may have noticed there's

11:45

an e KG attached to her and

11:47

her bed has been replaced with a hospital bed, and

11:55

she's been making that noise a lot. Let's

11:57

see if we could all make that noise. It's

12:00

not I'm

12:03

not going to help, Look,

12:06

Uncle Squishy, it's not. Try

12:08

again, kids, very

12:14

good. I just think Grandpa

12:16

should just hugger goodbye because it's

12:18

probably times. Yeah,

12:22

that's the death. Cop. That was the death that's coming

12:24

soon. Well, I'll

12:26

hugger with this arm. I don't hugger

12:29

with this arm. Hugger with this

12:31

song. Goddamnit, hugger with us

12:33

arm. I've got eight arms

12:36

to hold you. I

12:42

heard a bad word. Yeah,

12:45

so it's you know, things have been going crazy

12:47

for him at home. But I don't know if he's gonna be

12:49

able to handle this guy. We don't have a choice.

12:52

We don't even know what bendos means. You gotta

12:56

mean anything. Now, you have to get this show

12:58

together. We can have the other characters

13:01

do more songs. We can have them improvised.

13:06

IV I don't know it's

13:08

fun. Are we gonna? Are we gonna put in more of that feminist

13:10

crap that she's been preaching along there? I think

13:13

it would buy us sometimes. All right, fine, get

13:15

her out there on top of the show. I gotta fade this

13:17

into the prompter. We ready, I gotta

13:19

feed it into the problem. What are we going to put in

13:21

the prompter? What are we going to put him the prop anyone have anything

13:23

to put in the propect? I know what it is. I know what it is.

13:27

Bay means to to beckon. To

13:29

nudo means by

13:35

means to beeccan are getting

13:37

that? Oh

13:39

my god? What does that mean? I think? Are

13:44

we a hundred? Someone

13:47

has to have something to put in the prompter. Anybody,

13:49

what are we gonna put in? Send him the file, send

13:51

him the last whatever, the last thing you wrote.

13:53

Put it, we'll put it in the prompt. Okay, and

13:56

emailed him sent sent okay,

13:59

Ready, this is what you want to put in the from

14:03

all right, I put it in the ro all

14:05

right, put it in the put it in the prompter. Okid,

14:13

Uncle Squishy, do

14:17

you know what painting minw toast

14:19

means? Bay

14:22

means to beckon? Oh

14:27

oh what

14:31

she wanted to see me? Or yeah,

14:33

we did want to see you? Yea? What

14:35

is this about? What do you think it's about? What

14:37

do you think it's about? That's good? I

14:41

wore sandals. You think that's

14:43

why you think that? As our

14:45

live show was starting and Uncle

14:47

Squishy was going on and on about

14:50

what maintaining new Toast means that it's

14:52

because you were sandals that you're in here today, we

14:54

asked to send the teleprompter the

14:58

script. I was struggling to find

15:01

the word. Yeah

15:03

I did. I did, and

15:07

that's what you thought that Uncle Squishy should

15:09

say. Is this about steppers or no, it's

15:12

not about your sandals. This is about going

15:14

into the lives. This is about going into

15:16

the live show. I'm sorry to overstep. That's

15:18

okay, don't overstep. It's you're not overstepping at all.

15:20

No, I was overstepping, Dan, and

15:22

I shouldn't have. It's okay, I don't mind.

15:24

You can handle this. You know, we we

15:27

both have the same I've

15:30

been here longer, but we both have the same job. So there

15:33

it was, you

15:36

tell me it's not a thing, and then you just sneak in

15:38

that you've been here long because I think we're losing the thread

15:40

here. Okay. After he fed that into the

15:42

prompter, it was then just stats about

15:44

Auburn football players throughout the year

15:47

he flipped out. He stabbed each of

15:49

those kids eight times. Thankfully

15:52

he only had a spoon, so it just gave

15:54

them little bruises. But still the

15:56

damage is done. The house

15:59

friend wait to way to trigger

16:01

him, way to trigger him? Gary. It

16:04

was the last thing I wrote, how

16:07

long have you been standing there? Anyone

16:10

know where Mrs Squishy is? I can't

16:12

find her anywhere. Um,

16:16

I heard she's I heard she's

16:18

in the parking lot. Yeah, she's.

16:21

Uh. If she's not in the parking lot, she's

16:23

on the train tracks or

16:27

very dead. He

16:31

was joking, a horrible joke, Mr

16:33

Uncle squishy pants. Um, the train

16:36

tracks, that's right. Yeah, Dan was right.

16:38

She said she would be waiting on the train tracks,

16:41

just laying on them. Well,

16:43

I guess we'll go lay on the train tracks.

16:46

Okay, Uncle Squishing.

16:50

What have we done? Oh? Man, I don't know. I felt like

16:52

it was just a momentary lash out to say

16:54

that, and we might have just just killed

16:56

Uncle Squishing. Well, he did a lot

16:58

of damage. You can't him in the building.

17:00

He's a threat to everyone. He's safer on the

17:02

train tracks. By

17:07

boy trained

17:10

depart at the station. He

17:13

for one more little kid? You bet,

17:16

kid, jop all two more little

17:18

kids? Okay, to do kid? He

17:21

wait in the Probert the engineer, sure can

17:24

so excited over

17:27

here? Run around here and one

17:31

who essentially from the train tracks.

17:34

What do you mean there's there's

17:36

an offer from the train tracks. I do everything

17:39

and training I see Squire's

17:43

sorry started. Oh

17:52

and that's the end of Uncle squish, he

17:55

got squish, he got squished. Oh he got

17:57

uncle's QUI strot a poetic in a way

18:01

none of us have have worked in television accurately

18:05

sl right there. I don't know how that works. Our

18:11

second scene comes from Lance. He

18:13

wrote, Dear Alchemists, I have been loving

18:15

the podcast since the first show. Athan listen

18:17

to it while doing yardwork on the weekends. I'm

18:20

sure the neighbors wonder why I'm laughing so much while

18:22

pulling weeds, spreading mulch, and getting points

18:24

in ivy. I don't think you're doing all right, guy.

18:27

In any event, a suggestion if you all

18:29

would like. A couple wants to buy a new car.

18:32

The various salespeople at the car lot all

18:34

really need that sale, and he tries to

18:36

sabotage the other to convince the couple to

18:38

buy from them. I look forward to the next

18:40

show, Lance in Baltimore. This

18:43

is a nice model, honestly, four

18:47

door. It looks pretty good. Looks pretty good. I

18:50

noticed you're looking. I'm

18:53

terribly sorry. Oh no, I was just I

18:55

was just checking it out. It's

18:58

a beautiful car, isn't Yeah, really

19:00

really gorgeous. Yeah, you guys newly wents.

19:04

Don't put any more pressure on him. We're living

19:06

together, just living, and that's fine.

19:09

I don't want any more. Well,

19:11

you know, there's don't do this right now. I'm not doing anything.

19:14

You're just making it about the ring, and I just

19:16

didn't make it about the rings as if we were married.

19:18

I said we're not. And it's not a big deal. I think it's not. Even saying

19:20

it's not a big deal makes it seem like it's

19:22

a big stuff. That's your stuff coming by

19:25

stuff. It's absolutely you've

19:27

got a call online. Four I think it's the census.

19:30

Well the census. Hey, I'm

19:33

so sorry. I'm

19:35

sharing your life with you. That's enough for me. I'm just I'll

19:37

be right back. Here's my car. Thank

19:39

you, want to thank you too.

19:42

I see you looking at this car? Right? Four

19:44

dos four doors? Great enough

19:46

for a family, but also great for just two people. What

19:49

mm hmm, I just didn't

19:52

white? All right, great, Yeah,

19:54

it's it good for a family, let's go good for a film. It's good

19:56

for a family. It's easily get a car seat

19:58

in there too if you need to, or maybe a

20:01

dog. We could put a dog in there. Definitely dog

20:03

serious I don't you doing it. I'm

20:05

trying to make it better. Not worth a dog? Do

20:07

you not like a dog? I mean that unconditional

20:09

love right off the bat, Like, what are you doing? What are you talking

20:12

about? What are you talking about? We're moving in together,

20:14

we're getting a car again. I understand that, but it's

20:16

just one thing. When do we not get a dog? Because

20:18

it's I gotta Brent is one thing? Hey

20:21

Jones, he's sorry to interrupt here, but

20:23

you got a phone call something about

20:26

your wife and a divorce. I probably

20:28

should take this. He's been threatening

20:30

for months. So here's my car.

20:36

No, we only need one because we share everything.

20:38

I'm not gonna hold both. Just take one of them. Are we doing

20:40

here, folks? Anything I can help you with? Yeah?

20:42

We're just looking at this sess today and it's it's really nice.

20:44

It's sparkles

20:47

like a diamond. It's really nice. So

20:50

clearly you've been married a long time now. We're

20:52

not married. No, we're not married. Okay,

20:55

married. We don't need

20:57

a piece of paper. No we don't. We don't need No,

20:59

we don't. No, we don't because love doesn't

21:01

need paper. I agree. Okay,

21:07

Well, speaking of a piece of paper. What

21:14

is you married? Are you doing this? I'm

21:16

not doing anything. I'm trying to make conversation. Are

21:19

you married? That's what I just did?

21:21

Well, proppably married for twenty Oh

21:24

my gosh. Let me show you a picture,

21:27

not just a picture of you, that's a picture of me. That

21:29

was me the day I got married. Look

21:31

great, thank you all

21:34

Denim all denim. Wow it

21:36

was the nineties, ZIZI

21:41

here your wife. Your wife's on the phone right

21:44

now. She needs you to take this call.

21:46

Okay, very badly. Oh no, I

21:48

better take this call. Okay, do you want us

21:50

to keep the picture? You can? Please take the

21:52

picture. Take three of them looking

21:57

at this car. Yeah, we've been looking at the car.

22:00

Yeah. You guys got kids? No,

22:02

we don't have kids. No, we don't have kids.

22:04

You have a dog? No you're

22:07

married? Nope, nope,

22:09

And we don't want to be. We're happy to just be sharing our

22:11

life together. Needs paper. Let me show you, guys a couple

22:13

of motorcycles in sure

22:16

you know what? That's more like the life we're living, isn't it. Yeah

22:18

it makes a great point. We're living a motorcycle

22:20

life. I love it. Let's do it. I don't love it. I

22:23

don't want to live a motorcycle. I I don't want to be shoving

22:25

for two motorcycles. That's

22:28

psychotic. Look

22:30

at me, Look at me. I don't want about

22:32

a motorcycle. You never want to take a chance.

22:34

No, No, I wanted to get a car with you, and I wanted

22:36

to move in with you because I thought we're moving towards because everything

22:39

I say triggers. We got to share one car,

22:42

share one car? Do

22:46

know how to do a motorcycle? What is

22:48

it? You got a phone call the

22:50

cast a wild Hogs and making a sequel

22:52

and they want to bring you on a marriage.

22:59

Don't be a to marriag. If you don't want me to be afraid

23:01

of the motorcycle, I don't want you to be a friend of Americans.

23:05

Get flies in your mouth? What's what are

23:07

you talking about? I

23:10

don't know a lot of married people with flies in their

23:12

mouth that are scraping off the highway. Oh yeah,

23:14

what do you hear about that couple that passed on the on the train

23:16

track. I didn't on anything because

23:18

you know why, because I'm talking to your mother on the phone

23:21

all the time. Talk to my mother, talk

23:26

to my mom. She's got sny Well

23:29

I don't. She should stop calling me, don't

23:31

answer it, Okay, then she'll be mad

23:33

at me. The

23:36

manager of this establishment here, is

23:38

there is there a problem? Not at all.

23:41

We're just trying to decide between this or the motorcycles.

23:43

No, we've already decided we're not getting two motorcycles.

23:46

Okay. Well, all of our

23:48

all of our sales associates have a thousand

23:51

yards stare right now, and they all claim that it's

23:53

because of you too, So

23:55

I just like to think you're good. I

23:58

think it's probably just my fault, but that's the way things tend

24:01

to shake out around. Wow, are

24:03

you serious? It's probably my fault, But

24:05

I think everybody's like Stephanie. Who would

24:07

want to commit to Stephanie? Get

24:09

away from Stephanie. It's

24:11

George. George did it? George

24:13

the guy George manager's

24:17

manager. And if you're

24:19

not going to buy a car, then get the funk off of our

24:21

locks. Okay, you're

24:24

not worry of one of our car Come

24:26

on, the word tall

24:29

you something right now? I would taste something right now, Okay,

24:32

something George does how you sound?

24:35

I'm right here, tell you joice something

24:37

now, George, tell you somewhere to me.

24:41

Tell me, it's gonna go damn. You want

24:43

to say it, It's gonna go right into your heart and it's

24:46

gonna blow your mind. Stop looking at our Sudan's

24:48

okay, you're not even worthy to lay eyes on them. Oh

24:51

really, we could lay whatever we want

24:53

on your you know what, dumper

24:56

on this, you

24:58

buy it, right, I'm not buying the scraps.

25:01

No, no, no, we could dump on it and we wouldn't

25:03

buy it. I'm sorry, folks. I'm a lot

25:05

relationship counselor. They bring me in

25:07

when sales go bad because of turmoil

25:10

between two people, and I'd just like to come

25:12

in here and try to help solve this situation. I want

25:14

you to hear, hear each other. We're

25:17

gonna shoot on that car. Yeah, okay, Now,

25:20

what's your which, what's your name? I'm Stephanie, Stephanie,

25:22

and you are George. Let me George,

25:25

George here. You didn't you didn't

25:28

George stammering

25:32

that. George, listen to me. I

25:36

didn't do that. I didn't stay Okay, yes,

25:38

you didn't talk.

25:41

You're getting Senalia just like your mom. Don't

25:43

say that don't

25:46

say I'm just poking your shoulder. Okay,

25:48

I didn't hurt you to

25:50

shoot on this Carlo, you I'm gonna

25:52

do it right now. I'm gonna shoot on this car. And

25:54

I want you to really hear me when I say I'm

25:57

going to dump on this sedan. Okay,

26:00

hands going and it's going down. This

26:03

is hard because you guys decide if you wanted

26:05

to. Wow, what the hell is going on for

26:07

the better of their relationship? It's

26:10

cool. I'm this

26:13

man does not working. He doesn't work here. No,

26:17

he's the self appointed relationship

26:19

counselor. He shows up a couple of times a week.

26:22

He's just doing good here. You're gonna get a sale

26:24

after I figured the dunk off of my by

26:26

whatever you guys are do George,

26:30

we've been through a lot together. We really have. Could

26:34

be pretty funny. Time to propose. I'll

26:40

take a motorcycle. Oh I

26:42

will too. Oh no, we're not doing this together.

26:44

What do you mean you're breaking up with me?

26:47

Yeah? I want a motorcycle.

26:50

Prepare the paperwork just big enough

26:52

for one. You got it? No side car,

26:55

no even no even hook up for a side car.

26:58

And I guess if You're relationship is ending. I'll

27:01

take a minivan, all right, prepare

27:03

the paperwork. Thanks George. Why

27:06

are you getting the most impressing thing I could

27:08

think of to drive solo? Oh

27:13

um, honey, I

27:15

tried to shoot on the car. It didn't know good. I'm

27:18

not helping anybody. Don't

27:21

you say that. Don't you say

27:23

that. My little boy is gonna be

27:26

a It's gonna be a big by,

27:28

big bright, shining star of

27:30

the of the world, of of of

27:33

what is it that you call this job? You made up

27:35

relationship counselor lot use

27:38

Carl car lot relationship counseling.

27:40

You're gonna be the big cone of it.

27:43

I don't know. Most of my friends are playing video games

27:45

and trying to score. I'm a fifteen year

27:47

old who wants to shoot on a car to help a relationship.

27:50

Well, you know what, some people are

27:52

doing important things in the world and some people

27:55

aren't. You think video games are important?

27:57

No, you think that shifting on a car

27:59

to show a relationship when it should

28:01

be Yeah, I don't know. I just don't

28:03

think I'm going to get into Dartmouth or Princeton. I

28:06

think I just need to go to a state school and reset,

28:09

come here, we've got a very interesting application.

28:15

I know, we don't. We've

28:20

got a very exciting after What

28:23

is it? What does it say? What? He

28:31

disregard the g p A. Disregard the

28:33

g p A, disregard the g

28:35

A. They've asked, Yes,

28:40

Cambridge cadge, all the heads

28:42

of all the ivy league. When we've decided

28:44

what this student is up, where we will

28:47

auction in bid? Yes, yes, I've

28:49

Justice League. Now oh,

28:51

here we go. Point one

28:54

disregard gp A fascinating start

28:56

points. True, I'm only fifteen.

29:01

No, no, I'm not fifteen.

29:03

I've been fifteen and I'm no longer

29:06

fifteen. The applicant fifty,

29:08

right, but

29:11

we've had younger in the course

29:13

of course, they've been geniuses. His

29:16

person is of average intelligence? Right?

29:18

What what? Why did you call us

29:21

all in here? Because point

29:23

three? Right, look

29:26

at my CV and it's attached.

29:28

And then when I look at the TV or

29:31

not used car Relationship

29:34

counselor this is your CV. No,

29:36

no, no, no, no, this applicant CV. He's

29:39

reading the application. It

29:41

says has saved upwards five

29:43

relationships by sitting on cars.

29:54

It's a dartmouth man. If ever, I heard.

29:57

Well, it is a tulip pointed representative

29:59

of Princeton. We've been

30:01

coming to our fine establishment. Wait,

30:04

if he likes to shut on cars, why not Brown.

30:08

There's

30:11

a gentleman from Soxford. I think that is.

30:15

Where are you from? Soxford University

30:17

is one

30:22

of those state schools? Onto fest?

30:28

Oh you've seen my chest underneath

30:31

his vest. He's the chest of a statement.

30:38

Kirby, that's

30:41

spoons for you. I

30:45

got into Brown, you did, honey,

30:49

It's so exciting. That's a little

30:51

on the nose, but I'm

30:53

excited. You're fifth. Oh

30:56

my baby's fifteen and he's gonna

30:58

go to Brown. I just

31:00

don't think I'm ready for you to go to college yet. I

31:02

think I'm ready. All right? Is she

31:04

looking at some cars here? Huh? Yeah? Okay

31:07

cool. If you have any questions, just let me know. So

31:09

are you all in a relationship or no?

31:12

This is my family. I'm about to go off to college.

31:15

Are you all married together? Or how does that work? How

31:17

does the family work? Clearly

31:20

his father and I'm clearly his mother. Yeah?

31:22

Is there like I'm kissed? Three? Just

31:25

three? Okay? And so who

31:27

married who? How does that work? Married?

31:29

His mother and his father and I are married. And then who

31:32

you got you kind of cherry pick or

31:34

we had them? There are children? Okay,

31:37

have you done this before? I sell cars all the

31:39

time. All right, so I

31:41

just need something that's gonna, you know, get me across

31:43

country. So I can you know, I

31:46

just hate hearing that it's

31:48

gonna be okay, all

31:50

right, here you go nice

31:53

and uh so do you all sleep in the same

31:55

bed or how how does that? Just? Buy

31:57

a car? Please? Every

32:00

and going? Okay over here? Oh?

32:05

No, which one are you married to? I'm

32:07

married to my wife. Yes, we're married. Oh

32:09

congratulations, we love that. So a car

32:12

for the newly wed? Might

32:14

I suggest a pink Corvette? Love

32:17

it? Love it. We've been married

32:19

for a long time. I mean you know, we've had our ups

32:21

and downs every couple times. It's normal.

32:23

That's when you brought that one in. Well, spice

32:26

it up, spicing it up with I'm

32:28

going to college. The cars for me, it's for me, it's

32:30

for the second husband. This

32:35

is our son to

32:38

drive to Providence, Rhode Island. Oh, so

32:40

you're gonna want a aqua

32:42

vehicle? What? I love it? Guys?

32:47

Why are we doing this? Let's just go to Uncle Squishies

32:49

a lot across town. You

32:51

don't want to go to Squishes. Oh, we got good deals

32:54

here, alight, better

32:56

than Uncle Squishy can do. We guarantee,

32:59

we guarantee, we guarantee it. I

33:01

guarantee. Do you guarantee the eight high

33:03

fives when you buy the car like he does? We can make

33:06

that happen. Oh yeah, no problem, no

33:08

problem. Happy to get in the mix of this crazy

33:11

marriage crupple, it's not you

33:13

know what. Let's

33:16

just go to Uncle Squishies. No,

33:21

well, here we are. Look

33:25

at that animatronic was

33:31

dead? Animatronics

33:34

alive? Honey? But why is he not dead?

33:37

But that's how animatronics work. He should be

33:39

dead forever

33:45

thanks to what

33:48

Yeah they I guess they just put

33:50

Uncle Squishy's brain inside a new robot

33:52

body. Can they do that with Grandma? Oh?

33:56

Honey? Dead?

33:59

Maybe? I

34:01

don't think they're ai. I don't think they're ayeing

34:04

everybody, just the important ones. It

34:06

was important. She made the best jam. Oh

34:08

she was important to you. Oh your grandmother

34:11

was dead forever up

34:13

top one

34:18

five. So

34:23

sorry about grandma, honey. We're

34:26

all suffering. Uncle Squshy. We'd

34:28

like to get our son a car for college. Where

34:31

are you going? I'm going to Brown. You

34:35

must like the ship on cars, dude,

34:38

it's my passion. Well here's

34:40

one you can take a ship on anytime

34:42

you want. Wow, Mazda Miata. I'll

34:46

be careful, honey. That's a convertible. You don't want to

34:48

take a ship in the car. That's

34:50

that's fair. Let me just do it on the hood.

34:52

Then let me see how this feels. Gonna take a frispin,

35:02

that's all. Yeah,

35:06

But I think this is the car like my life. I

35:09

don't like my off, I don't like my dad,

35:11

I don't like my brother, and I don't

35:13

like Uncle Squitchy, and my grandma's

35:15

dead. And she was the one that will

35:17

saw me. She deserves her

35:19

own spin off special three

35:23

years old, very very She

35:27

was the one that should have been going, you know, to the ivy

35:29

leagues. Our

35:35

third scene comes from Clint, who wrote,

35:37

I've been listening since the start of this podcast, and I've

35:39

loved every episode. I listened while I'm at

35:41

work doing my flaps. I work in water

35:43

treatment for my local government. You

35:46

make me laugh out loud, disturbing the safety

35:48

officer in the office next door. My

35:50

idea is we

35:52

need to get nerves control.

35:55

He's got a big job. My

35:57

idea is a safety officer

35:59

and inspecting a new building which is wildly

36:02

out of code, but the people working there are totally

36:04

incompetent. Keep up the hilarious work,

36:06

Clint from North Carolina. The

36:14

second floors, that's uh, we presume

36:16

a lot of flooding might have been there. That's

36:19

above the first fool.

36:26

You assume a lot of flooding is going to happen on the second

36:28

floor because we're handed out finished

36:31

the I'm

36:33

sorry, I was called

36:35

in here to inspect this building and you're just flat

36:38

out telling me that you did a terrible job

36:40

with it. The

36:45

second floor my flood, Yeah,

36:48

I noticed already wrote down that the second

36:50

floor the breaker up there, I got

36:52

a lot of exposed wires. Yeah, I wanted

36:54

to ask you about that. Why exactly is the breaker

36:56

sitting in a half full fish aquarium? I don't

36:58

know. That's where I keep the dogs, so I figured

37:01

I just leave them all up there and keep them in a safe place.

37:03

Second floor, all right. I didn't

37:05

even notice that there were dogs in there as perhaps,

37:07

so would you notice the dogs? Why

37:10

wouldn't I notice the dogs? Tell him we're

37:13

painted him like the walls you carry. You see you

37:18

dogs, it's a new breed. We created

37:21

camo dogs military

37:23

budget, and we're gonna send them camo

37:27

dog bitch. Alright,

37:30

I do have a few other things i'd like to Yes,

37:33

you're right, I'm I'm I got I'm a bit.

37:35

I got into a property manager.

37:38

I thought you you're not the property

37:40

managers. Doesn't look

37:43

like we're property man. By

37:53

god, I checked in on you. Oh

37:56

are you the property manager? I managed

37:58

the property are I've

38:01

got to say there's some serious violations

38:03

here. The only violation is that every

38:05

dog isn't camoed. You

38:10

guys have been camoing dogs, which

38:13

frankly I did not even know was a verb. And

38:15

uh and then this building is a nightmare.

38:18

Look around at this place, for god. Think

38:20

you have a ninth floor but no floors three

38:22

through eight. Those floors overrated.

38:25

It's just stilts with a floor at the top. They

38:28

only had enough money. Fun three

38:31

flaws. Let

38:35

me finish, boss. The

38:38

favorite numbers nine because when you flip

38:40

it over at six and when you put it by a nine,

38:42

it's sixty nine. Hey,

38:47

yeah, Mr Inspector,

38:50

Hold on a second. Why I

38:55

don't even think they'll notice I'm gone. Hey,

38:58

what I'm a whistleblower. What

39:01

I'm a whistle blower? What? Okay?

39:04

I think this building might not be up to code? Yeah,

39:08

yeah, I think I think you're absolutely right. This building

39:10

is not up to code. If anything you need, I

39:13

can get you information. You just can't use my name. Okay,

39:16

thank thank you, I appreciate Ted. Anybody

39:20

want to I'll take seconds.

39:23

Also, what do you what do they even? What

39:25

are they even calling this room that you're living in

39:27

here? This is Ted's room. It's

39:30

called Ted's room, and

39:35

they keep me in here? Why you

39:37

just have one extension cord going out

39:39

of the room. There's no wall outlets in here. That keeps

39:42

saying they're gonna sell tickets, sell tickets

39:45

to see you. I don't know. I don't know, Ted,

39:48

Ted, you want to blow the whistle? Okay,

39:50

you're blowing. This is it? This is you are currently

39:53

blowing the whistle. I think they didn't

39:55

build any handicapped ramps, Ted,

39:58

Ted, Yeah, want

40:00

you to know You're seven o'clock is sold

40:02

out? Oh no, they're

40:04

selling tickets. You don't know what for.

40:06

But it's you got

40:08

a complice for the matinee tomorrow because

40:10

it's almost sold out. If you got accomplice, you gotta

40:13

get it to me. I don't have any comps. Nobody knows

40:15

I'm here, Ted. Everybody apparently

40:17

knows you're here. God's

40:20

sake. Look, it's gonna be really hard for me to not

40:22

use you as a whistle blower and not use your

40:24

name because you're the only other person in

40:26

this building. Okay, but whatever

40:29

you can do to just stop this building,

40:32

to stop the building, that's all

40:34

right. Condemn it, whatever you have to do. Honest, I'm

40:36

gonna be perfectly honest with you, Ted, I really

40:38

didn't need a whistleblower to tell me that this building

40:41

was really in terrible shape. I want to be your deep

40:43

throat. Okay, you

40:45

can be deep throat. Yeah, Like,

40:48

if you don't tell me who your contact is, I'm not going

40:50

to be able to condemn the building. You know how this works. You

40:54

you can see from I mean, I'm your contact.

40:56

Look at this list. Look at this list of problems

40:59

that this building has. The foundation is

41:01

literally made of quick sand. Like, I understand

41:03

that you're telling me this, but I'm gonna need a third party

41:05

to tell me that that's actually what's going down. About

41:07

to take the condemned list down to city Hall?

41:09

Do we have any of the names Ted? Wait? Wait, wait,

41:11

wait before you go, before you go wow,

41:14

back up, back up, Okay, back up, Okay,

41:16

no one gets that close to my face before

41:18

you go. Much better, I'm

41:21

gonna go talk to a guy. All

41:23

right, I'll be right back. Don't send the

41:25

list until I go down

41:28

doing the number on my nuts. Ted's

41:30

in the middle of a performance right now. I have

41:33

to see Ted, right, No, think you k

41:35

busy? Ted's killing

41:38

it and I gotta go back in ticket?

41:41

Yeah, I find I'd like one ticket? Please? How

41:43

much you got? Oh my god, are you a scalper?

41:46

You look? Do you want to take it to see Ted? And that? Yeah?

41:48

I need a ticket to see Ted? How much you go? About

41:52

sixteen dollars? I have a couple of quars? Sixteen

41:54

fifty? Said, you've got a couple of coins? Yeah?

41:57

How many coins? You got to? Two quarters?

42:00

It's the fifties, all right, let's do it for

42:03

justin Coinsifty's bigger than sixteen,

42:05

ain't it? You know what? It?

42:07

Sure is? Fine?

42:10

I guess I'll give you these fifty cents

42:13

instead of these six dollars. The

42:15

boy, thank you. Sorry.

42:18

Nobody gets seated after act once

42:21

you get the intermission. Fine,

42:25

you could go in for Act five right

42:27

after intermission. What happens to at

42:30

two, three, and four, at

42:32

one and at five? A good? Alright?

42:35

Can I get you a drink while you wait? You

42:37

want to eat a fot from concessions? No,

42:39

I don't want to eat a fart from concessions? Uh?

42:43

Yeah, you know, what about a spicy fot? No?

42:45

I don't want question. Question. Yeah,

42:48

you don't see any dogs in here? Do you know? Dogs?

42:59

Again? You

43:03

know what? That's it. I'm just going in there. I'm

43:05

just going in there. Please

43:10

please help me, Ted,

43:12

Please help me this part of the ship.

43:15

Just here in the middle of a performance. What

43:17

exactly are you doing? Look? Act

43:20

five they're gonna flood, They're gonna flood this level.

43:22

Oh god, you know what. Come with me,

43:24

Ted, Come with me. I know you don't want to be outwardly

43:27

the voice of dissension in this building.

43:29

You think he's a hero. Hero that's

43:33

just established and that character. I'm just a t

43:36

Comes on, Ted,

43:38

Come with me, We've got to get downtown to the building.

43:41

Inspectors making me do eight shows a week.

43:43

There's no understudies. Just

43:45

come with me, Ted, I'm getting I'm literally telling

43:47

you how to get out of this situation right

43:50

now, Ted is a love story. I really

43:52

can't leave in the middle of a performance. You're gonna

43:54

flood the place. What

43:56

a gladigator leave in the middle of a performance if he

43:58

could? Yes. The one part I like

44:01

is the curtain call. They really don't

44:03

do it now. It's versus

44:06

his love for call.

44:08

Now do something that's never been done in theater

44:10

before. Take your curtain call right now and

44:12

get off the stage before they fled this place. Thank

44:15

you. That's not

44:17

a curtain call. I've got an application

44:24

another Princeton man. Yeah, this guy

44:26

is a performance an't do? Why

44:30

am I looking up applicant

44:35

Lernew You say he's

44:38

very good. He's very good. He's been performing

44:40

eight shows a week down at the Condemned but not

44:42

get Condemned Camel Dog man

44:49

like Harvard Love Haven?

44:54

What we kill you? Yes? Oh?

44:57

Does you are you? Are

44:59

you the stocks for guy from

45:01

my brother? My brother? What are you

45:03

from? Trilling me? Trill

45:06

at the State School. I'm not. I'm

45:09

not. I'm not. Don't come now, this

45:11

is I the

45:17

Camo dogs. Well, I

45:22

can't see the

45:28

best money the Ivy Justice League ever spent

45:30

was all those Camo dogs. Say, God

45:33

damnit, sergeant, get in here, and

45:36

then hearing about these things Camo dogs.

45:38

Yes, yes, about this, Yes, I wasn't

45:40

I informed about this. Why aren't these Camo dogs working

45:43

for the United States military? Goddamnit? Well

45:45

they're still being tested out, sir, still

45:47

being tested, field tested, field

45:49

ted. What kind of idiots would field test Camo

45:52

dogs? Did

45:56

you bring them in with you? Sure? Did privates

45:58

line up? A line

46:02

can be in the shape? Cann't not? Oh

46:06

my head, my head. These

46:09

guys showed up, so they were drafting, even though we got rid of

46:11

that a long time ago. So we just decided

46:13

they're privates in the military. People

46:15

We need bodies. They are they are? I

46:18

am being generous and saying disheveled,

46:22

yes, sir, but they have a way with camera dogs.

46:24

There came dog whispers, sir, Camo dog

46:26

whispers. Huh, alright, cameo dog whispers. Are

46:28

you gonna eat all those pens? No,

46:31

I'm not gonna eat any of them. I gonna

46:33

have them around

46:36

there. Uh, nobody

46:38

eats farts around. Get your hands off

46:40

the pen one huh.

46:44

Yes, I have a ceiling, the better to keep the

46:47

rain out. My dear, I'm

46:49

the big wolf from red Head.

46:52

All right, Am I gonna have to sergeant,

46:54

Am I gonna have to put up with this kind of ship to get if

46:56

you want the camera dogs, they're part of the package deal, sir. Alright,

46:58

you know when the red Head thing, the grandma

47:01

has been eaten by the wolf the whole time.

47:04

Yeah, riding

47:06

hood. It's a classic. Hey

47:08

colonel, yeah over here, Yeah,

47:11

what who are you? I'm a whistleblower?

47:14

What there's a conspiracy, But

47:16

there's a conspiracy with Let me

47:18

shut the door. There's a conspiracy.

47:22

I'm sorry, now I'll shut the

47:25

door. Well,

47:29

she's hold on all right, let me all

47:31

right. You stay there, you stay here. Let

47:33

me come around. Now, both

47:36

of you stay on this side of the door. I'm

47:40

gonna go in here, and I'm gonna talk to this. Do

47:42

you want your pens? No,

47:45

you can eat one

47:47

of my pens if you need to. All

47:50

right, look, I'm gonna tell you a crazy story.

47:53

Okay, And did he go straight to the

47:55

top. Okay, there's no limits to who's

47:58

involved in this. Okay, I'm

48:00

gonna tell you a story about eight

48:02

men in England can decide where

48:04

all Ivy League students and public school students

48:06

go. I mean this sounds a little far fetched. Do you

48:08

realize I'm gonna tell you a story about people

48:11

shooting on mini vans, relationships

48:13

getting solved. Okay,

48:16

I'm gonna tell you a story about an

48:18

octopus who died on a train track,

48:21

but maybe he didn't die. Um

48:23

do you do you actually have

48:26

a conspiracy theory that you

48:28

want to let me know about, or a real

48:30

problem that you've seen that you want to whistle blow, or

48:33

are you just gonna ramble about these kind of things?

48:36

This is? Is this all connected somehow? I don't

48:38

understand what you're saying. It's all in one episode

48:40

of alchemy? This what got to be connected?

48:43

What? It goes straight to the top, straight

48:45

to the top of alchemy. This, yes, all

48:47

the way up to Kevin. Kevin's

48:50

never here. I'm sorry to interrupt, buddy,

48:52

he can't make it. How did you get here?

48:54

Oh, I'm always Oh my god, how

48:58

did you get in here? Um? I just have been here. I

49:00

don't remember a life before this. Hey

49:05

everybody, I'm here again. Sorry cool Stratton

49:09

disappointed looking all your he's

49:12

the front. I'm James Heeney

49:15

and I'm

49:17

here too. I'm Joey. Have

49:20

been even McCom that's

49:22

inaccurate. We're

49:29

spitting inception tops over here. Oh

49:31

my god. Oh that's our show

49:33

for today. Let's

49:40

go around and say what we're up to. Mark gig already.

49:43

You can catch me at the Beautiful

49:46

Dynasty Typewriter Theater on the last Wednesday

49:48

Wednesday of the month with Craig Kowski

49:50

playing with work us iprov H and also

49:52

Blood and Treasure Season one, now available

49:55

on Amazon Prime. Vanessa

49:57

Raglan, I'm usually a Dynasty

49:59

type right to the aforementioned hanging

50:01

out scooping corn. We just ordered

50:04

a cotton candy machine. I'm

50:06

gonna be twist and sugar and no time

50:09

to get tambo dogs soon, and we're

50:11

trying to but you know there's a lot of red taper on

50:13

that understood. Craig Atkowski. If

50:15

you're in Austin, Texas over Labor

50:17

Day weekend, I'll be scooping corn at the Out

50:20

of Bounds Comedy Festival. Yeah,

50:23

yeah, I love it. Joey Greer at

50:26

Jeffy Grieber on Instagram, Bear Supply

50:28

second fourth, Wednesday, nine o'clock West Side Comedy

50:30

Theater. I'm pretty pretty pony. First first

50:32

Thursday up,

50:35

last time, so I wanted. Yeah, that's what it is. We

50:37

always show up most of the time, right.

50:41

I'm at Cole Stratton on Twitter

50:44

at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Always getting a fews.

50:46

I don't know which is which. Um, yeah,

50:48

that's about it comes see pretty pretty

50:50

pony. As he mentioned, let's thank our sound

50:53

engineer Doug I Hate Billy, Joel

50:55

Bay, our

50:58

post sound design artist Rough El Brito,

51:02

our producers Sophie Lichtman, and

51:05

lastly I heart Media. Encourage

51:14

all of you to write a review, tell everyone you've ever

51:16

met, and write to us at your name here

51:19

at alchemy this dot com. That's your

51:21

name here at alchemy this dot com.

51:23

Until next time. No