0:02

Welcome back to another pisode that

0:05

for me? This I mean, how's Kevin? Is

0:08

that right now? Okay?

0:11

Yeah, I can be there at night. Sure,

0:14

yeah, I'll see there o ja. But I digress.

0:16

Let's meet a shower you no particular or let's

0:18

quickly check in with Christoph Varado for his

0:21

two dog park report Coach,

0:24

I haven't been in a minute. Turns out the baseball

0:26

dad's are not happy with us

0:29

letting our dogs run around because it's not an

0:31

official dog park. The other day,

0:33

and I quote, a large dad

0:35

said to one of the dog owners, if

0:38

you if you're this is this true?

0:40

This is exactly what he said. If your dog

0:42

bites my kid, I will kill you

0:45

and your dog. Interesting,

0:47

that was the order, you

0:50

know, the the threat usually

0:52

starts with the potentially

0:54

lesser b you heighten you,

0:56

you'll be dead, and then I'll go down the left.

0:59

Yeah, because sharped me. I don't really give a ship

1:01

what you do with my dog, to be honest with. Oh

1:04

wow, um,

1:07

look over there, it's James Ceeney, jangled

1:09

up and chains. Jimmy,

1:12

what would you do to have

1:14

a cat? A case of hash

1:16

Brown's delivered in

1:19

one hour In

1:21

one hour I

1:23

would make all of the scenes

1:25

get wrapped up as fast as I could so I

1:27

could answer that door without interruption of the podcast.

1:31

Fair uh and and

1:33

now please welcome back Jackie again, Zalez

1:35

de Ruther back

1:38

Jay Jackie. What makes the best damn

1:40

guawk in Los Angeles? Who?

1:43

Not? What? Who makes the best damn

1:45

guawk in Los Angeles? That's a very

1:47

good question, because I

1:49

love glack and I feel like it's hard

1:51

to miss. It's hard to not

1:54

enjoy a glock, and

1:56

I don't think that I've ever had one

1:58

that blue. I fucking

2:01

mind being said.

2:04

Actually, I fucking hate this restaurant,

2:06

so I don't want to give them any good press. There is a restaurant

2:09

that based good walk, but I'm not going to mention their names.

2:13

Did they fire me for asking to get paid

2:15

as much as the men who did my job? Yes? They

2:18

did. Well, now we need to know

2:20

the name of them is so that we can all shoot

2:22

on them. What's the chat on them? One here? Before?

2:26

I mean, I don't know. I've been fired from

2:28

a lot of restaurants, yes,

2:31

and all for different egregious

2:34

regions. Well, I talk very

2:39

strange, if not competitive. I've

2:42

never been fired. Oh

2:47

I think three or four. And let me say

2:49

from those experiences, I quit

2:51

one after like during

2:53

my training, like after two days of training.

2:56

They were like, hey, um,

2:58

so you have your second I was like, yeah, I'm not coming

3:01

and they're like what, and I was like, yeah, I'm

3:03

I'm done. I don't like the culture at your restaurant, Like,

3:05

I'm not gonna there. Those

3:07

two days were horrible and they were like,

3:09

oh, well, Jacqueline, I

3:11

don't want to tell you what to do as you're an adult woman.

3:14

But and then like, yeah, it was

3:16

really weird. I was like, okay, um, yeah,

3:18

I'm not coming in. But

3:21

there's nothing more freeing, Like I've never felt

3:23

better in my life than to be like, you know what,

3:25

I'm not going to work at this fucking like

3:28

hell hole. I'll work at another hellhole.

3:32

Good for you, the hell

3:34

with that, and thank you for that. And I

3:36

still think we should share the name just so we can

3:38

all shoot on them together. But I'm

3:40

not gonna I'm not gonna put that on you.

3:43

You'll you'll, I'll write it somewhere

3:45

on a piece of paper and we'll get out there if

3:48

you'll let um and last

3:51

last already no

3:54

no, I can't be last penultimate. Where's

3:56

Chris Alvarado in you? We got the dog? We

3:59

got me? Oh, here we go, Craig Atkowski.

4:01

When do you know when the small talk is

4:03

done? Oh? I

4:07

guess now. I

4:12

thought we were just chatting, but then it turned all

4:14

serious. I

4:17

do want to say, I do think it's a basic human right to

4:19

be able to choose your own hell hale. Yeah

4:21

right, that

4:24

seems like a very basic human right, all

4:28

right? And now last, but seven fish in your

4:30

bath if you think him least it's Mark Gagliardi.

4:33

Hello Linguini lover. Where

4:35

am I gonna get the best pizza in

4:37

this damn town? Uh?

4:40

Best pizza? And last, it depends on what you're looking

4:42

for. If you want a Chicago style pizza, you go to

4:44

Masa and Echo Park. If you want a

4:46

New York style pizza, you go to Pizza

4:49

Bella, which is in the back of a liquor store

4:51

at the corner of Hollywood and UH

4:54

or Franklin and Highland. I

4:57

realized that the back of a liquor store is a strange place

4:59

to get a pizza, but it is

5:01

wonderful pizza. There's also garage pizza,

5:03

which is very good. My friend Jason Batton,

5:05

who used to work with me at Pizza

5:07

Bella, started that place. Uh.

5:10

He has a big sign over the door that says we import

5:12

our water from New York. He

5:14

does not import his water from New York.

5:16

But people go there because there is a

5:18

sign that says that he imports

5:20

his water from New York. But it is a fantastic

5:23

pizza pizza.

5:25

I can't believe, you know, garage pizza. Garage pizza

5:27

is fantastic. Yeah, I love him. Yeah,

5:29

the the misnomber of the the

5:31

New York style pizza being best only

5:34

in New York because of the water there.

5:37

Jamie and I got to see the original

5:40

owner and operator of Joe's Pizza

5:42

in New York. Um.

5:45

He now has several locations in Los Angeles because

5:47

he moved to Los Angeles, his first one being in Santa

5:49

Monica. It's still there, I think

5:51

on Broadway around second

5:54

and Um. Jamie asked him, so do you

5:56

import the water from New York? And he said,

5:59

I used sent him on a of water. What's the matter with you? What this

6:01

is not the water, It's not the word. Yeah,

6:05

he was not affecting of voice. He's actually from

6:07

Italy. So here we go. Let's

6:09

do it, m show shout. We all of our scene suggestions

6:11

gather from your listener emails

6:13

or from our patron v I ps to

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become a patron supporter of the show and Joe exclusive content

6:18

like standalone bonus scenes, video of our

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Zoom recording sessions, or at

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the highest level of alcomniac, you could

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be like two of our alcomniacs who are

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joining us in zoom right now. That's

6:30

right. You can come and hang out

6:32

in the Zoom. There's a little meet and greet

6:34

beforehand and at the conclusion,

6:36

and otherwise you're just hanging with us as

6:39

two are, and that would be Mr

6:41

Prado and Ms Ashley

6:44

Um. We're hanging up with us today. Head

6:46

don't know what the patron dot com slash Alchemy there.

6:49

If you'd like to suggest a scene suggestion

6:52

via email, please do so all. I love

6:54

to read them, Chris loves to log them.

6:57

I think, head on

6:59

over to uh write us at alchemy

7:01

this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This email

7:06

seen one comes to patron v I P. Courtney

7:09

R. Who wrote, hey there, Kevin

7:12

Um or whomsoever reads

7:14

this on the air. Now there's

7:16

no air. You guys rock keep

7:19

kicking ass and making laughs. By the way, my

7:21

favorite Kings English

7:23

spelling of the word favorite part of being

7:25

a patron member is the alcaminnis.

7:28

Thank you James Heeny for creating

7:31

that universe um

7:33

and continuing to do so. Just

7:35

imagine a distilled third of an episode

7:38

with all the usual laughs. You can

7:40

imagine how that alone is

7:42

worth the price of a cup of coffee. Oh

7:44

that's very very sweet of

7:46

you, Courtney. Are on the

7:48

meat of the onto the meat of the mail.

7:50

My scene suggestion is the

7:53

welcome wagon. Thank

7:55

you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, and big big love

7:57

from the UK. Courtney

7:59

will who neu.

8:01

I'm so nervous, so nervous. I'm excited and nervous.

8:04

I'm excited and nervous. I could be both

8:06

at the same time. And excited ner I'm

8:08

excited and hungry. I'm so

8:10

hungry when I'm so excited, I'm

8:12

so so hungry. But I

8:15

think I'm gonna go I think I'm gonna say welcome

8:18

or like or you've arrived you

8:20

love that. I'm gonna say hey there,

8:22

everybody, Hey there.

8:25

Maybe get like, I don't know, meatballs on Texas toast.

8:27

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I

8:31

don't want to say welcome. You're gonna go hey there,

8:34

Oh, this is god, this is scog

8:37

and then we're gonna let them know how stringent

8:39

this program really is. We have rules,

8:41

we have protocols, and if they break

8:44

them, they will break

8:46

them them. That's

8:48

good, but that's why he came here. Welcome

8:53

there, this

8:57

is my printed I'll receipt,

8:59

and there's a barcode at the bottom. I'm jacky,

9:02

I'll take that. Oh

9:05

my god. Actually, we have rules

9:08

here, and if you break them,

9:10

we break you. Oh

9:14

wow, this is this is serious, I guess y

9:17

retreat. Oh,

9:20

you've agreed to not consume

9:23

anything but water and

9:28

the food that we provide you, which is mostly

9:30

okay. Now,

9:33

I'm going to get into shape by the end of this. That's

9:35

up to you. That's up to you. We

9:38

will be having meatballs on Texas toast.

9:40

That is not for you. That's a little

9:42

bit of what I like to call temptation

9:45

temptation Island. Welcome to

9:47

temptation Island. When we

9:50

welcome there into that pen and wait

9:52

around with the other piggies. Okay, what's

9:54

most important to us is

9:56

that you come out of here stronger

9:59

in the mind. Your

10:01

body means nothing to us, but

10:04

your brain means everything

10:06

to us. I paid to have my body

10:08

chiseled into better shape. You're

10:11

right. Let me just be honest. Then I

10:15

did. I did bring some boost with me. I didn't

10:17

think that that had calories in it. Okay,

10:20

yeah, again, dry,

10:23

I didn't know. I didn't know. Okay, we

10:26

have to give you a nickname before you enter the pen. I'm

10:28

gonna call you um

10:31

slops, perfect

10:33

slops. So

10:35

what nickname did they give you? Razor?

10:40

Razor? Yeah,

10:42

they gave me razor. When why do you think

10:44

that that one? Probably

10:46

because I'm sharp. You know, usually

10:49

the term is sharp as attacks, so you I would think

10:51

attack, But Razor,

10:55

did you shave when you were there? Uh?

11:00

I didn't do. I look like I've got

11:02

some stubble. No, you

11:04

look like you don't have stubble, which is making me think you shape

11:07

while you were there. Oh?

11:09

Um, okay, because you don't believe

11:11

racers and they call me slops. Okay, I

11:14

got the nickname below, honey, not

11:18

slops. Okay, Okay,

11:20

So that one went well. I think this next one I'm gonna

11:23

be less, less,

11:25

joyful, more not

11:29

stirred. I don't want to be mean your business

11:31

off the top, business off the top,

11:33

but then maybe joyful at the end, little

11:36

at the end, and they feel good about being

11:38

here for an entire fifteen days.

11:41

Hi, hello, hello, hello,

11:44

Hi. I have a piece

11:46

of paper with a barcode on the bottom.

11:48

I'll take that. Uh

11:52

oh okay, um, well

11:55

my my name's my name is Dave. Um not

11:57

anymore. Dave. Let me you

12:00

that we have rules here and if you break

12:02

the rules, will break

12:04

you. This This is a this

12:06

is an aggressive way to begin a retreat.

12:10

Well that's how

12:12

we decided to do it this time. And no,

12:16

I don't know if it's a misstep. I mean you, you've been doing

12:18

the ear wasay, sir, right, and look at you and at

12:20

you And I

12:23

didn't even want to I didn't even want to come.

12:26

My kids made me come. I didn't

12:28

even want to be here. And and it's already

12:30

starting off with such hostility. You know

12:32

what, I think I'm gonna

12:35

go. I think I'm gonna go. No, No,

12:37

let's me lay eyes on you. You can't leave that's one.

12:39

That's one of the rules. What

12:41

what None of this was in the

12:43

website. Third rule

12:45

is if I can lass at you, keep

12:48

you here, I go. Why

12:52

don't you name him? Why don't you don't give him a nickname

12:55

before I sent him into the pens. Absolutely,

12:58

I'm going to call him cheeks cheeks.

13:04

Hi. Checking in my barcodes on my phone.

13:10

Welcome, you need scor

13:14

no no no,

13:17

Um your shirts off

13:19

and I could see your six pack. Um,

13:24

yeah, Sin is glowing. You look extremely

13:26

hydrated. I'm

13:28

one of the instructors.

13:30

Oh

13:32

my gosh,

13:35

and you guys are a couple of piggies, a

13:37

couple of little piggies getting the

13:40

pig pan. O. What

13:43

do you mean? You

13:45

know what I mean stuff because it's temptation

13:47

for everyone else. I mean, we are hearing

13:49

is on, going, going, going, going.

13:52

Look my cereal bowl of cook right. Your

13:55

name is Wilbur. Your name is Wilbur, and your

13:57

name is sal. I'm

14:02

sucking with you, guys. Oh

14:06

my god, wait, oh my

14:08

god. So you don't work here. No,

14:12

I do work here. I was working with you

14:14

when I said again in the pig pen. Okay,

14:19

you've really messed with our mentals,

14:21

and now I feel weak. Did Jerry send

14:23

you? I mean, what what? What's this text?

14:26

Jerry? I thought he owned

14:28

this establishment. I'm

14:31

Jerry, Guys, I'm oh

14:33

my god, Jerry, you're

14:35

a couple of little piggiest

14:38

piggies in the Jerry,

14:43

please, my kids

14:45

sent me here for a fifteen day retreating. It's

14:47

been three years. I haven't seen

14:50

the light of day. I

14:52

I don't, I don't. I've withered away to

14:55

nearly nothing. I've cleaned

14:57

everything you have to clean. I've I've buffed

15:00

every every inch of your car. I don't

15:02

know what else I can do to get to leave this place.

15:05

Jerry, please,

15:08

Okay, I heard that as snort, snort,

15:10

snort. I'm not a pig.

15:12

I'm a human. Jerry. Let

15:16

me let me see your abs. I

15:20

mean, if I lift up my shirt,

15:22

you can actually see my heart

15:24

beating. Okay,

15:28

I have no muscle power left, so

15:30

you won't see abs. But if I if

15:32

I suck in my breath really hard, you you

15:34

can see my individual vertebrae.

15:39

Do you think you're ready to go home? I'm so.

15:42

I've been ready to go home for two years,

15:44

three hundred and fifty days. Well,

15:49

um, hello, Hi, did

15:52

you need to talk to Ashley? I'm I'm

15:54

her boyfriend. Do you did you need something here?

15:57

Can't keep it down? Did you need something? You're

16:02

my wife? Was a Oh

16:06

my gosh, this is weird.

16:09

Hi, Okay, yeah, I'm a story

16:11

I was told was your kids sent you away to

16:13

a piggy camp and then you

16:16

pick that

16:18

you became an actual pig. So

16:21

I met actually at church and now

16:23

we have sex every day.

16:28

I just want to see my family, sir.

16:32

I can see Why is your shirt

16:35

moving? Because you can

16:37

see my heart through my shirt and my skin.

16:40

I'm who's at the door? Oh

16:43

my god, Oh my god? Is that my

16:45

Brian? Is that my little Brian? Brian?

16:48

Come here, someone's here for you. Hi,

16:51

Hi, Brian, It's it's Oh my god,

16:53

it's me your dad, It's it's

16:56

it's not it's Jack. I'm not Jack

16:58

Skellington. No, No, my name is

17:00

Cheeks. He's

17:03

gone. He's gone. Um

17:05

look, man, I don't know what to say to you. Son

17:07

of a you, son of a

17:09

bitch. We're doing

17:11

the right thing with these camps, right, I'm

17:14

not seen. Scene

17:21

two comes from patron Alcmaniac

17:24

Kevin Product who

17:26

wrote way back in February,

17:30

how about it's Valentine's

17:32

Day Eve and the chocolate

17:35

bandit is up to no good? Audios.

17:41

Well, listen, I made reservations at

17:43

a restaurant, as I do every year. I

17:46

got you flowers. I got you

17:48

a heart shaped box of candy.

17:50

I don't know what else it is I can do hunt you.

17:53

You know, every year it's a fucking

17:55

disappointment. And every year I think I'm gonna

17:57

get it right this year, and I suck

17:59

at this. So can we not fall for

18:01

this holiday made up by the

18:04

Hallmark organization? I

18:09

love? Well, it's like I'm talking to

18:11

myself. Well, you're talking to your

18:13

wife and her sister. So if she's not going to speak

18:15

up, I will. Why

18:18

don't you not? Why don't you

18:20

not be one of those guys that says it's made

18:22

up by Hallmark? You know what I mean?

18:24

And just use this day as a day to

18:26

just thrust and

18:29

spray and splush love

18:31

all upon your wife. Okay,

18:33

Well, I'm all about the thrust thing and this s in

18:35

this playing, especially

18:38

this playing. Um,

18:40

but why only once

18:42

a year? Why not once a month?

18:45

Great question? Now I could let your wife speak for herself.

18:47

She wants to h Darling.

18:51

Nope, she's not ready and that's her choice.

18:53

Now, you didn't just marry her, you married

18:56

into the family. And you know we have three sisters.

18:58

So I'm gonna call out team and out Tina. Tina

19:03

has a couple of words on her thoughts on Valentine's

19:05

Day, Right, Tina, you want to talk to

19:07

me about Valentine's Day?

19:10

I mean, I don't now

19:13

he thinks that it's a it's a it's a fake

19:15

holiday made up by a big corporation.

19:18

Really, like saying Valentine didn't even

19:20

exist, like he's not the patron,

19:22

saying of love, like Cuban

19:25

doesn't wields an arrow, Like

19:27

all of that isn't true. Let's not

19:29

even talk about the Valentine's Day

19:31

bunny who drops off chocolates at

19:33

everyone's doorstep. That's

19:35

the bunny. That's the bunny I want to talk about. Yeah,

19:38

yeah, I can't seem to get this chocolate

19:40

thing right. Well, I can give

19:42

you one hint. If you don't believe

19:44

in the chocolate laying

19:47

funny, it won't come. Sure,

19:50

But is there a difference between like say,

19:52

Whitman's Sampler and

19:55

Russell. That's that's your

19:57

wife. You know what, are you gonna

20:00

say it? Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I am

20:02

really upset. I thought that you'd be able to turn

20:04

this holiday around. Do you remember the last time

20:06

you got me chocolate? Charles? Um,

20:09

yes, I do remember. It was just and I

20:12

presented it to you and I said, Charles

20:14

chocolate. Yeah. It

20:16

was Christmas. It was an advent calendar and it was filled

20:18

with catshit. Now

20:21

it ended up looking like cat shit. I don't know if

20:23

it's no, no, no ship

20:27

sold I don't know. But this

20:29

was supposed to be a big day. It's Valentine's

20:32

Day, and you're not even gonna make up for

20:34

the I'm gonna let my sister's

20:36

hand. No no, no, no, honey, honey, States Stays

20:39

Stays. Talk to me, listen. I'm I'm sorry

20:41

that I can't get behind this annual

20:43

fucking celebration of nonsense. I

20:46

love you every single day of the year. If

20:48

you need me to prove it more

20:51

often, I'm also down with that.

20:53

I just don't want to give into big business

20:55

and big corporations. That's all. That's all I'm

20:58

fighting. You

21:02

don't want to you don't want to give into big business.

21:04

And you buy your toilet paper? Where

21:07

do you where do you buy? Where do you buy all your food? And how about

21:09

those those clothes you're where your clothes that

21:12

you're fully closed? Sir? Did you make

21:14

that yourself? Did you make that camera

21:16

outside? Is that the first

21:20

of all? That's camera? Don't you talk

21:22

badly about that? Okay, listen, Charles,

21:24

today is Valentine's

21:27

Day eve. That means you

21:29

have a handful of hours to

21:31

make this right. Yes,

21:35

so thanks for getting to me early to make

21:37

sure I didn't funk it up yet Again, that's

21:40

appreciated in the pool. We

21:42

will be in the pool, of course,

21:47

so you are a last minute too, huh yeah?

21:50

Yeah. I mean why does CVS even

21:52

sell Valentine's Day Ship? I know, I

21:54

know it's a made up They always know, they always

21:57

they know when it is. They know everything CVS

21:59

no everything. I mean,

22:02

have you seen the Russell Stover ever go over?

22:05

Well? How are they in business? I don't know. There's

22:07

a Whitman sampler. How is Russell Stover still

22:09

in business? Heart

22:11

shaped box? Did you ever last

22:14

minute? Or Russell Stover? I mean, there's no quicker

22:16

way to break up any relationship. You guys need help

22:18

find anything? Yes, yes we do. Thank

22:21

you. If anything

22:23

we have is on the shelves, that that

22:25

is your help. That is the help. Yeah, yeah,

22:28

I mean whatever what you see is what you get. Can you help

22:30

me behind the lock and key so I can

22:32

get some advl PM about that?

22:35

Scott, Um, I

22:37

have to get a manager. You don't have a key,

22:41

um not to the aville.

22:45

How long have you worked for Scott? Scott? How long have you

22:47

worked just a second, Scott, answer

22:49

me seven years? Seven

22:51

years? And at what point do you think they're going

22:53

to give you a key? Um

23:00

m from now? Yeah? I

23:03

I caught a bust with three transfers

23:05

while you thought about your answer. Okay, a

23:09

Valentine's Day present. No,

23:12

I needed to talk to you. Excuse

23:15

me, you the

23:17

Easter Bundy. I got some words

23:20

for you of of

23:22

the volatized day chocolate Bunny. You

23:26

you're messing all all night. You're messing up

23:28

all my all,

23:31

your what, all your fucking what what

23:34

am I messing up for you? You

23:36

come days in advance of me, days

23:38

months even. You are John the

23:40

Baptist to my Christ. You know that you

23:43

are the You are the herald of what of

23:45

chocolate to come. That's

23:48

what you are. You know what people don't write. You know whose la People

23:50

don't sit on the chocolate Bunny. That's

23:53

whose laugh they don't sit on. You know why? You know who

23:55

they wanting to see. They're wanting to see Cupid

23:57

on Valentine's Day, not the chocolate

23:59

Bunny. A second tier and

24:01

that's why we're kicking you out. I'm

24:03

second tier because of you, because

24:06

you've stole my whole thing. I've

24:08

been here for the very beginning and you didn't

24:10

come here until after Jesus died. I've

24:13

been here BC baby,

24:15

So technically the whole bunny thing

24:18

is mine. The bunny thing is

24:20

yours. The chocolate Bunny free dates,

24:22

Christianity, free dates,

24:25

sake Valentine's Day. Oh

24:29

hi, Charles, I'm sorry about

24:31

earlier when me and my sisters were getting

24:33

on you. I just got out of your pool. Do you have a you

24:35

have a towel because right now I have no towel on it. You

24:38

came down to the pool without a towel. Yeah.

24:41

Hey, I know we're hard on you, just you

24:44

know, I want what's best for my sister. Are

24:46

we gonna again. Is that what this is about. That's

24:48

what I would like to happen. That's what I was

24:50

hoping what happened? And you know, I just put that I put on a

24:52

show. I put on a show. Yeah you do, and it's

24:54

a great show. And I don't

24:56

know why we yeah, yeah, yeah,

24:58

Okay, So stay in the pool. I'm gonna go get

25:00

my suit and then we're

25:03

gonna do pool sex. Tina's

25:05

still in there, so can we pretend like we're wrestling or something

25:07

and do that? Okay,

25:10

let's Tina

25:13

cannonball. I

25:16

was trying to keep my hair dry. Why

25:19

it looks so cute when it's wet. I know,

25:21

but the chlorine is bad for my color, and

25:23

I need I need this amber

25:25

to stay. I know you

25:28

do, You're like really needed to stay. I

25:30

really do, because me as my

25:32

original blonde. It's dusty and

25:35

I just look like a little sad

25:38

mouse and I want the dust fire.

25:41

The phone is for Tina. The phone is for Tina.

25:43

I'll tell hey, Tina, there's a phone call

25:45

for you, apparently on that on the landline

25:47

in the house. Oh

25:50

no, yeah, I brought you a towel

25:52

if you wanted to just go get the phone. Mmm.

25:55

I have this kind of thing where I'm like, no phones

25:58

on weekends. You know what I mean? If you need business

26:01

hours because

26:03

I don't have a job, so I need something to

26:06

do during the week days. Right, Well, it might

26:08

be a job on the phone. But if it's she

26:11

doesn't need the phone, and we could just wrestle, but

26:13

it wouldn't be weird. Scott.

26:18

Can you come here for a second. Yeah,

26:22

I have a seat in

26:25

this chair, Yes,

26:27

Scott, in this chair, Scott,

26:33

I'm getting Oh.

26:39

I just couldn't keep it off of my face, could

26:41

i? Scott? You waited seven

26:43

years in an additional eight and

26:46

there it was the day cool.

26:50

But first you must answer these questions.

26:52

Three. Okay, I'm

26:54

gonna place this box right in front of you. The

26:58

keys to the advil PM are

27:00

in this box. Scott. Okay.

27:04

Your first question, if

27:07

a customer comes in and can't

27:09

find what they're looking for, what

27:11

do you do? And Thomas

27:14

on the shelves. That's

27:18

the correct answer. Your

27:21

second question, if

27:23

it's not on the shelves and they still want it, what

27:27

do you do? They say,

27:29

how good you have a manager, but they never do That's

27:33

the correct answer, Scott. The

27:36

third question, Scott, what's

27:40

your biggest dream to

27:44

print the longest receipt of all

27:46

time? You

27:50

know what, Scott, this key

27:53

is yours. It's inside

27:55

this box, and I will give you this

27:58

box in

28:01

eight years. What but

28:06

you hold onto this case, Scott, Oh,

28:09

so tell me all about it. What

28:12

did Charles do for you last night? Well?

28:15

Um, the truth, he

28:18

really was. I don't

28:20

know. It seems like he was glowing at the beginning

28:22

of the night. He just radiated like we

28:25

were it kind of like he usually does

28:27

after we had sex a long time ago. God,

28:30

those were the days. But then he fell asleep

28:32

pretty promptly. So that's

28:35

why I'm packing all of my things. I think I need

28:37

to move in with you and Tina. That's a good idea.

28:39

I think it's a great idea. That's

28:41

a great idea. Yeah, for sure, that's

28:43

a good idea. We

28:47

do have another roommate, though, you

28:50

do. It's not just me and Tina. Well,

28:54

I don't I know about this well, because

28:56

some people treat it's

28:59

a little different, Lee, But it loves

29:02

us just as much as we love it. You know

29:04

what, I'll stop beating around the bush. This

29:07

is chocolate Bunny. Hi, Chalco

29:13

Bunny, This is my sister. It's

29:15

so nice to me. I can see the resemblance. You all

29:17

look so much alike. Oh

29:20

my god, my husband was right

29:23

about what it

29:26

is a knockoff holiday. Look at her. You're

29:28

supposed to be. You're supposed to be the

29:31

chocolate barring from Valentine's. Yeah,

29:33

the chocolate buddy from Valentines. I have polka

29:36

dot patches on my hip

29:38

and elbow. I have a peak,

29:40

fuffy screen generic and I'm

29:43

looking for name brand. You

29:45

know you see that car

29:47

outside? Um, yeah,

29:51

it's and it's special.

29:54

You know it's name brand. It's name

29:56

brand, and you you're

29:59

They should have come up with something different. You know what

30:04

name brand is Santa? What named brand

30:06

does Santa? Christmas? Bitch

30:09

Christmas? Don't don't

30:12

hurt you're

30:17

wrestling me. You're biting the

30:19

chocolate are

30:23

delicious? Hi

30:26

on what can I find neo sporn?

30:29

You know sporing? Yeah? Where

30:32

can you find it? Yeah?

30:36

Um, I'll four if we have it. If

30:39

we don't, then nowhere. M hmm.

30:43

What time do you get off? Never?

30:47

I'm always here, but

30:51

if I don't leave, um,

30:55

I mean technically we're open, so

30:59

we can't do anything about it. Okay,

31:05

okay, yeah,

31:09

m hmmm, I

31:13

guess let this walk around. Then I'll see you a

31:15

little bit. Um,

31:17

if you need any of the good chocolate, we have an under

31:19

lock and key. Now that is

31:22

seen too. Scene

31:27

three comes from listener Katie,

31:30

who wrote, I love you also

31:32

very much? Is it weird when people

31:34

say that? I'll leave some space

31:37

for your response. Um,

31:40

do we think it's weird when the listeners say

31:42

they love us? I don't think that's

31:44

weird. I think it's incredible. I love it.

31:47

Yeah. I mean

31:49

we should start naming the ones we love individually.

31:54

Blanket. I

31:57

think a blanket we love you all two is

31:59

kind of instantly horseshit I recognizably

32:02

is she

32:05

goes on. Okay, my suggestion is a

32:07

rule I remember from preschool. You

32:09

know what. I'm sorry, I said she I

32:11

don't know what Katie identifies as Katie

32:13

goes on. Okay,

32:16

my suggestion is a rule I remember from preschool.

32:18

No sharing snacks unless you brought

32:21

enough for everyone. Sincerely,

32:24

Katie in Sacramento, California.

32:29

What do you What are you eating

32:31

for lunch today? Human?

32:36

But of course right

32:40

we eat human for lunch every day, right,

32:43

But I mean, is there

32:45

a lunch pail or

32:48

something that you could open up and we could maybe

32:50

share or swap some items. Oh,

32:53

here we go. You didn't pack a very good lunch

32:55

today, and you want to trade? I mean I don't.

32:58

I don't pack it. My mom does, so I'm

33:00

always looking a get rid of it.

33:03

Well, let's see what I have in mind. I mean, what

33:05

kind of trades are we talking here? Whatever

33:08

you want to maybe get rid of. Let's

33:12

see what's in here? Oh my god,

33:15

I got a construction worker in here. Looks

33:18

pretty good, you know. Still are

33:20

they still wearing their hard hat? They're

33:22

still wearing their hard hat? Yeah, yeah, but you

33:24

can take it off. It's you know, like

33:27

you don't eat the peel on a banana or

33:29

you know, and not normally.

33:32

But um, once I did so. Um

33:35

what else? I got a construction worker?

33:38

I have? I have a pair

33:40

of teachers. They share a class

33:42

They used to share a classroom together, you know, before

33:45

they climbed up here and everything. You

33:47

know, Curiosity gets the better of everybody.

33:49

I guess, yeah, I

33:52

might want to swap for one of the teachers. What

33:55

do you have in yours. Yeah, I got

33:58

a balloony sand much

34:01

and apple

34:03

slices. You've

34:06

got a bologna sandwich and apple slices.

34:09

Yeah, it's so exotic, isn't

34:12

Yeah it sounds good. Let

34:14

me take a look. I mean they're

34:17

teeny tiny slices

34:19

already brown. No, no,

34:22

no, what what? What? What?

34:26

What? What? What? We

34:28

weren't doing any what? What? Oh? You weren't

34:30

doing anything. No, we weren't doing

34:32

anything. It's just we're just having our lunch.

34:35

Do I need to point out the rules of Mountaintop

34:38

Elementary to YouTube? Right?

34:41

Yes, all of them read it

34:43

to us. I'm not I don't work for you.

34:46

I'm the teacher here. Okay,

34:49

yeah, Mrs Cresterton

34:53

my favorite student. Yes, actually

34:57

verify that these little giants,

35:00

we're trying to share snacks

35:05

and they didn't offer me anything.

35:08

And you know I got a big football

35:10

game later. I need the

35:12

fuel. He

35:15

needs the fuel, These little and these

35:17

little giants no better. Number

35:19

four states no sharing

35:22

snacks. Read it with me, you

35:28

or everyone? Yeah,

35:31

football head, you want some stitches to go with that

35:33

snack? Yeah, you can take

35:35

what you think, baby,

35:38

lineout

35:40

principle, it's a principle.

35:44

Oh no, Oh he's I think he's

35:46

just walking by. Oh no, he's coming

35:48

in. He's coming in, he's coming in. He's

35:50

here. Hello

35:54

children. For

36:04

somebody sharing snacks

36:07

without bringing enough for

36:10

everyone? I

36:13

mean no truth.

36:19

I mean I I just had my lunch.

36:22

If there's a bloomy sandwich and apple slices

36:24

and everything, is this a

36:27

human child? Biggest

36:32

human child? It

36:35

was hard to determine

36:37

the difference between a little giant and

36:40

a big human child? Big

36:43

human child. I was told I was big

36:45

for my age, but you are big for your

36:47

age. Would you like an apple slice? Sir?

36:50

Apple slice? For

36:54

what floss? Am?

36:57

I? Right? Principal, Harry, I

36:59

brought an give me a pound,

37:03

you're a kiss ass, Principle.

37:06

Perhaps we could have

37:08

a a parent

37:11

conference with this child's

37:14

parents to see whether or not he is human

37:16

or a little giant. Well

37:21

that's fine, okay,

37:25

but I've got to go to my office to see

37:28

my sketching. So

37:31

what was the first day like in this exchange

37:34

program? I mean, you don't

37:37

seem like you had a very good day at school,

37:39

sweetheart. It's not that I didn't have a good day,

37:41

It's that I didn't understand

37:44

most of everything, and

37:47

I don't think I was

37:49

looked at as an equal or I

37:52

belong. And also, I'm

37:55

sure you're jill self conscious about it. You're

37:57

going to have to learn a lot about a new culture.

38:00

We start with the apple slices. Please,

38:02

I think if I'm gonna fit in, you need

38:04

to put your back into it. Really.

38:08

Yeah, but instead of phoning in packing

38:11

my lunch, well, I thought

38:13

that it was good. And I know you're busy, and

38:15

I know you have a lot of responsibilities what

38:18

with me as an only child, and you

38:20

know you work at home, but maybe

38:23

you could start quote

38:25

unquote kicking some ass. I

38:29

mean, that's not the way that we do it here

38:31

at the Feldman's house. We're

38:33

kind can I also ask how much longer

38:35

will be at the feldman So

38:38

let me get this straight, big kid, you're

38:40

part of an exchange program. Are

38:43

you telling me there's a lot of big people

38:45

like you that live somewhere else? I

38:47

find that very hard to believe, right, classmates,

38:51

Yeah, okay,

38:54

Well, first of all, we live at the Feldman's.

38:57

Oh you're back? Oh okay, Sorry,

38:59

I got confused, Okay, because I thought the oh,

39:02

never mind, it's it's him. Okay were

39:06

you Yes, yes, yes,

39:09

I'm big kid. I'm big kid. Now

39:11

I have a name. I

39:13

don't know what to call you. Monstro,

39:17

Monstro, Montro. Why is there ooze

39:19

and guts stripping out of your lunch bag? Why

39:21

is your lunch bag so big? Yeah,

39:24

it's bigger than a house. Well,

39:26

it's got to be that big to contain the humans

39:29

I eat for lunch. What

39:34

are humans for lunch? That's gross, that's

39:38

illegal. Well,

39:44

my cop, I didn't

39:46

ask to be bust to this school. Okay,

39:49

we're part of it. You signed up for the exchange program.

39:52

Yeah, I guess so, but I didn't. I specifically

39:54

didn't has to be bust. Alright, fine,

39:57

you're here. So what's one thing we could

39:59

teach you about way we do things? And one

40:01

thing you could teach us? What

40:03

do you want to know about us? Oh? We

40:05

could teach him the hokey pokey. Oh

40:07

yeah, I love the hokey pokey. Watch the

40:09

hokey pokey. It's a dance.

40:13

It's really easy. Okay, you two are cute,

40:15

you said at the same time. Shut up,

40:18

God quit. It's

40:21

really easy to put your right hand in okay

40:24

o oh

40:28

no, Monstro, I

40:32

would like to see the principle right now of

40:34

this giant school. Okay,

40:37

be careful to take me to the principal police. Okay,

40:40

just give me one second. You'll know when

40:42

he's coming. Un

40:45

principle, we have, Um, it

40:47

appears to be a piste off human who

40:49

wants to speak to you. Get

40:52

ready for this. It's pretty wild to

40:55

me. I'm used to it because I'm also

40:57

big. I'm a teacher here, so you

41:01

can come right in. Oh, okay, you can

41:03

just head it, head up. I'm

41:06

just just right around the corner, yep.

41:09

Okay, um, but

41:12

but let me let me quickly.

41:15

I gotta run down the hall and use the use

41:17

the bathroom first. See

41:22

that that is that's

41:24

pretty char That is pretty hope.

41:26

He's back, he's big. Okay.

41:30

That that was the fastest

41:32

I've moved in years. Ah,

41:37

you must be the problem. You must be

41:39

the human mother father,

41:42

father, father. It doesn't

41:45

matter, though, it doesn't matter. It

41:47

doesn't matter. Listen, we don't have here

41:50

in giant land, thank

41:52

god, because I would like to not be compared

41:55

to giants. All right, it doesn't matter. I

41:57

want you to start treating my kid with

42:00

respect. I caught my child sneaking

42:02

back into the other school because they didn't feel

42:04

accepted here. Really, well,

42:07

look, I'll have you know that my own son, Monstrou

42:11

is part of the exchange program. Uh,

42:15

here's a here's a picture. He

42:17

doesn't he doesn't fit in the

42:20

frame. That's just a picture of a

42:22

Torso that's that's a portion

42:24

of my son. So

42:27

I can I can identify

42:32

now. I guess what you could do is help me out as

42:34

a dad. How can I prepare my kid to fit

42:36

in? I brought I sent

42:38

apple slices in Bologna, and

42:41

all of a sudden, I'm a bad guy. I

42:43

will working dad. So

42:47

I understand you're staying with the Feldman's.

42:52

They're really kind there awkward,

42:55

I don't. I don't know how long we're gonna be there. They're

42:57

they're big donors to the Giant School.

43:00

So um, they

43:03

have both human and giant blood. So

43:05

you know that they're a big part of of

43:07

doing this exchange. I

43:09

thought they were just tall, but that makes sense. Well,

43:13

if if your trial brings apple slices,

43:15

it's got to be enough to share with

43:18

the entire classroom full of little

43:20

giants, and they

43:22

would take an orchard. Well, O,

43:29

Hey Brian. Heidi, Um, that was

43:31

really cool doing the hokey pokey earlier. Um,

43:34

just real quick, I know you too, or like whatever?

43:37

But um, Heidi, Monstro

43:39

wants to know if you want to go to the dance

43:41

with him? What what

43:44

Heidi's Heidi's micro? Where's monster to

43:46

talk to him? Right now? Hold on, hold

43:48

on, calm yourself, cool man, what do you think?

43:50

What do you think you're gonna do? Too? Monstro? Also, what about

43:53

Heidi's choices? Heidi?

43:57

Um, yeah, I

43:59

am well it's

44:02

interesting because I really

44:04

like your personality and

44:07

I've known you for way longer. Did she answer

44:12

you? I

44:15

want to go to the dance and put my whole self

44:17

and my

44:20

show. You just you just stepped in Heidi.

44:24

O peel

44:30

her off of my boot. I'm

44:34

so sorry, Hid, I understand.

44:38

Oh man, Now

44:40

I can't go to the dance at all. My

44:44

limbs are flattened like pancakes.

44:49

Talk. What are you gonna do with that rock?

44:51

What do you think you're gonna do with that rush? Quiet?

44:53

He's not looking. Give me a sling

44:56

shot? What give

44:58

me your sling shot? It's yeah,

45:01

all right here it is. Thanks. Let

45:03

me inflate you again, Heidi, my

45:08

first kiss. That's

45:11

our show. Wow,

45:16

that is the sweetest and saddest first

45:18

kiss I've ever heard. Yeah,

45:21

sweetest and sadness. Um,

45:26

let's see, should we This

45:30

is the normal time we say goodbye, but

45:32

I'm wondering. As

45:34

a special gift to

45:36

the Alca maniacs,

45:39

I think we have one left, we invite Kevin

45:42

Prato into the zoom for the goodbyes.

45:45

The problem is that recording the recording.

45:48

Yeah, it up, he's not in the zen caster.

45:50

Sorry, Kevin, hold hold your horses.

45:53

Damn it, I never remember how

45:55

this works. Yeah.

45:57

That really was a sweet, silly,

46:02

funnier though. Um. All

46:05

right, we'll start our thanks with James,

46:07

since he was so very kind to point out

46:10

once again how I ruin everything.

46:13

You don't ruin anything, Kevin. You give

46:16

it a little special flare. I

46:19

think there's just enough time if you

46:22

go online to west Side Comedy dot com

46:24

and buy your tickets to see Alchemy

46:27

This Live. It's on Sunday,

46:29

April third. I know I

46:31

had it right. It's

46:34

the Sunday eight pm. Come check

46:36

it out. We're gonna record live. We'd love you to be there.

46:39

Uh yeah, go to the website if you can in time

46:41

and check, because I think we're on earlier

46:44

than eight o'clock because we insisted

46:46

on going on before the stand up show, and

46:49

I think April's when we start doing that, so

46:52

but you'll you'll know that. And thank you for the plug, James.

46:54

That's very hopeful. Mark Gagliardi, Yeah,

46:57

man, thanks for having me. You guys are so fun.

47:00

Uh, this was a delight. Listen

47:02

we got this. Yeah,

47:05

we got this with Mark and hell please listen to that podcast.

47:08

And Mark, you were at one of the live shows, in fact, the

47:10

last one at the stage

47:12

there at the West Comedy Theater. You can tell

47:14

the folks just how damn fun it is, y'all.

47:17

It is such a delight. It

47:19

is in beautiful Santa Monica, California.

47:21

It's a beautiful theater. Everyone

47:24

that works there and attends the shows is

47:26

beautiful. And when you come see the

47:28

show, you will be beautiful too, not

47:30

that you aren't already, but you'll be even

47:32

more deluxe beautiful. And

47:35

the bonuses you get to enter through the

47:37

urine soaked alley. That's true,

47:39

the beautiful urine soaked alley.

47:42

Yeah, that right there in Santa

47:44

Montica, thank you Mark, first

47:47

of all, Toronto. Yeah,

47:50

you know, speaking of that show, I

47:52

was, I was just looking around our Patreon

47:54

page and I came across the video that James

47:56

posted and I watched a few minutes of

47:59

it. Really funny, dio. Mark

48:01

cracked me up when you called in Batman into into

48:03

the office because he was moonlighting

48:06

as a therapist. You had to be there, or

48:08

if you're a Patreon member, you can go watch it right

48:10

now. Is that right, James, that's

48:12

absolutely right. We're

48:14

all on stays, Caroline, Conner and Mark

48:16

and it's a it's a good time. Was It was fun

48:18

to watch that video. Thanks for doing that, James. And

48:21

also um Kevin Prado,

48:23

like Kevin Pollock, I'm with you. That would

48:26

have been a cool idea to have him in at

48:28

the end. And I wouldn't have remember the zen

48:30

Caster audio situation either. So

48:33

I'll just say thanks againing Kevin Proddo for being here,

48:35

for being a

48:37

supporter, of being a friend, perfect,

48:41

Thank you, uh an O, g Alcmaniac,

48:45

Jackie Gonzalez to Ruth Yo

48:47

yo, thank you so much for being

48:50

here. Thank you for having me. It's always

48:53

very fun and very silly and Uh,

48:56

I like. I like being here.

48:58

It makes me happy for the rest of my day.

49:01

Well, thank you, And where

49:03

might folks find you? I'm

49:05

not Jackie to Ruthy on Instagram and

49:08

I'll post things there of shows

49:10

and stuff. Well see, and I'm I'm

49:13

tricky on too. When this, you know, when

49:16

we record, it's a little different than when it airs, usually

49:19

a week. Yeah, you're so in advance.

49:22

Well, if you went to to

49:24

a live show last week and saw me. Thanks,

49:29

Um. I

49:31

can't think of anything in the in the

49:34

future future, just this

49:36

weekend. It's well, you're officially

49:38

invited to join us April three if you'd

49:40

like. Oh, no

49:44

pressure, just the invite, just float

49:46

that. Yeah, I know I need

49:48

someone to sit in for me because I'll be

49:50

in New York. But

49:53

we'll talk about this off the camera and recording

49:56

device. Yeah, she

49:58

likes it. I mean, hey, Mikey, she

50:01

likes it. Uh,

50:04

James Ceney, I thank you. I

50:06

think I thanked everyone. Yeah,

50:10

sweet, um, let's thank

50:12

you. Mr Doug Bane,

50:14

the engineering producer to the start. I

50:18

heart Media. I'm

50:22

your host. Kevin pobably remind me to please be kind to each

50:24

other. Go out of your way. If you can let somebody

50:26

know it's okay, it's gonna be okay,

50:29

or it was okay. I tell

50:31

everyone you've ever known all about us

50:34

until next time.