0:02

Welcome back to another episode of malcom this well,

0:05

I get that. Look,

0:07

when the time is right, I'll

0:09

come back for you. Well trust

0:12

me. Do you trust me to welcome back for

0:14

you? You do? Yes? Psych,

0:17

But I digress. Let's meet Acamy. Shall we know particular

0:20

order. Let's quickly check on the Christoparado

0:22

for two audition advice

0:24

corner. Christo, don't let it

0:26

hurt this process. Can't

0:28

fucking physically hurt you anymore.

0:31

Talking to myself as I look in this zoom

0:33

thing. When I get an audition, my stomach

0:35

shouldn't sink and I shouldn't feel like I'm

0:37

I'm sentenced to prison. It should

0:40

be a joy, a place for me to have fun and

0:42

explore and be creative. So for everybody

0:44

out there, if it hurts, switch

0:46

it up. And he's coming from

0:48

somebody who's booked two co stars,

0:50

so nicely

0:55

said, and very well, I've checking it and thank you for sharing

0:58

it. Not Craig Atkowski and his classic

1:00

sitcom Memories review cow

1:04

Um,

1:07

so far, so good. I

1:11

liked that episode of Cheers where

1:13

um, sorry,

1:15

I'm super high right now, where

1:22

Coach told his plain looking daughter

1:25

how beautiful she was. Oh

1:27

nice, that was really because she reminded

1:29

him of his dead wife. Yeah, of course,

1:34

I just like those Cheers episodes with

1:36

Coach. Sure,

1:38

sure, I gave up on the show

1:41

as soon as Woody joined heard

1:43

heard it was still good after that. I

1:46

heard that guy read of Diane at some point too,

1:50

But that first the first three maybe

1:56

just like the first season with Coach, as

2:00

good as it got. Oh

2:02

man, man, oh man, Hey, it's

2:04

time for Caroline Cotter's bathroom

2:06

off the foyer, dudes, and

2:09

don't call um miss squats a lot.

2:13

Yes, you want

2:15

my column of dews and don'ts for shipping for

2:17

the bathroom off the foyer. Oh for the one

2:19

off of Fourier. Now that's I'm glad you asked I that has

2:21

specific rules for that one.

2:23

You do want to poop in the top tank, right,

2:27

You don't want to lift

2:30

the toilet seat up. Um, Actually,

2:32

you do want to lift the toilet seat up only if

2:34

you're pooping, so that way your butt

2:36

can kind of dip into the water if you

2:39

go on the bottom. And my

2:41

last hip for you is, um,

2:43

leave the door open, leave a cracked see

2:45

of my guests and you're in the foyer after all,

2:48

my goodness, gracious, all helpful, All appreciate

2:51

it. Check your coats. It's Mark Gagliardi

2:54

time. Hello, Lucifer's

2:56

muscle. What can you tell us about

2:58

your news cinematic organzation

3:00

Italians for better film portrayals.

3:04

I'm glad you asked that, Kevin, because

3:07

Italians have been portrayed in films

3:09

for entirely too long as

3:13

mafio so gangsters,

3:16

and the biggest culprits of this I

3:18

think are all actually Italians

3:20

doing so guys, come

3:23

on, let's just let's just play

3:25

random dudes, you know, dudes, random

3:27

dudes and ladies and other We don't have to

3:29

all be in the mafia. That said,

3:31

I'm saying this right now as just off

3:34

camera. Three mafio so's have

3:36

guns trained on me right now, all

3:38

of them Italians making sure

3:40

that I say this and exactly the way

3:42

that they prescribed. Did I do? Okay? Fellas

3:46

they mumbled something. They all have toothpicks

3:48

in their mouth, so I don't know fair

3:52

and accurate and last, but we'll

3:54

just take the check if you think of least. It's James

3:56

Heeney, Johnny Jack, Jim. If

3:58

you could change the structure of the days

4:01

in the week. Walk us through your

4:03

new layout, please easy.

4:06

I would put I would put Friday,

4:09

uh, just after Monday

4:12

because Monday's can be tough, and then Fridays

4:14

are exciting. Then it would be Tuesday.

4:17

Then it would be Wednesday, which is kind of like Friday.

4:19

So you get Saturday, and

4:21

then you get Thursday, then you get actually,

4:23

then you actually get the

4:26

leftover one. That's where that goes.

4:28

It's a hit

4:31

from Craig's hooka. I think so well,

4:33

it's difficult to try to figure out where to put those, but I

4:35

want to spread the weekend days. I think

4:38

you did a great job with that, to be honest, Thank

4:40

you, thank you, And

4:42

let me just take a moment. I'm going to

4:44

be gone for the next couple of maybe

4:47

like three weeks. Film you're

4:49

listening to this in chronological because I'm I'm

4:51

a big star in a big movie and I'm gonna

4:53

be on set. But I'm gonna

4:56

be answering all the emails that come into Patreon

4:58

and all the emails, so the sense suggestions,

5:01

and let me know that you're still around, and

5:03

say hi to James.

5:05

Oh nice, well done. Anyone

5:08

else? Yeah,

5:11

I got I'm gonna say,

5:16

you know, thank you for this opportunity.

5:18

Now. I do want to see the other day, I was at the beach and

5:21

I was with somebody else who went to the

5:24

culture to the ocean to check out the waves. And

5:26

when she came when she came back, she said, I just saw

5:28

James Heney walking. I said what,

5:31

So I turned and went James, James

5:33

Heney. This is a true story, James,

5:35

James, and he just kept walking. And then

5:37

she said she said that you

5:40

had asked, James, are you with Chris Olverado, and

5:42

she said yes, and you just kept walking. Happened.

5:46

It's very close to what happened. Okay,

5:50

what happened. I thought that she was with Gorbos. First

5:52

of all, I didn't know she was. She didn't use your last

5:54

name. Uh, And I

5:56

had just been like, oh, we were in a rush

5:58

because I had to get home with go on that morning walk.

6:01

But I had to get home for I forgot

6:03

what it was. I think it was an online doctor appointment.

6:06

But well, I wish I saw you,

6:08

But even if I did, I felt

6:10

I felt really burned though, because I was like, oh,

6:12

I know James very well. Watch this Jay.

6:15

I did not hear you. If I heard you, I would have come

6:17

back and I would have just showed up for the doctor's appointment

6:20

late. Okay, thank you, thank you.

6:22

Kevin. Yep, absolutely glad you could

6:24

use that time wisely. And you've given me a scene

6:26

suggestion, which is online doctor

6:28

visit all of our scene suggestions to gather

6:30

from your listener emails or from our Patreon supporters.

6:34

Head on over there to get exclusive content like standalone

6:36

bonus scenes, video of our recording sessh

6:40

on the Zoom at the highest level course

6:42

coomy Neck. You can join us in the damn zooe. It's happened

6:45

multiple times and we'll continue to do

6:47

so. We'd love to hear from

6:49

you either way. If you want to join

6:51

the Patron and support, go to patron dot com, slash

6:53

algemy this otherwise right to us at tcom to seemail

6:55

at gmail dot com, talking to com

7:00

and now seen one suggested by

7:03

James Ceeney and Chris's conversation

7:06

A Zoom doctor's appointment. WHOA,

7:10

uh so do I feel that? How do I Are

7:12

you gonna email me? Yeah? I just sent

7:15

it to your email

7:17

address. Okay, do which

7:19

one do you have? Do you have the Uh. Um, let

7:21

me see on file for you. We have

7:24

Big Daddy six at Geo

7:26

cities dot com. Thank you. That

7:29

is the correct one one. Yeah,

7:31

A lot of times I will give people, uh Steve

7:34

at John Lovitz dot com. That way, no one will

7:36

bother me. Um, but that is

7:38

a correct one, the one you have. Okay,

7:42

So I see, I see here the form. So

7:44

do I fill out the form in total before I see

7:46

the doctor or can we start the process

7:48

as well? No? So i'mm a receptionist,

7:51

UM or a medical assistant. Um.

7:54

What would you like to be? What do

7:56

I want it? Like? Anything in the world?

8:00

Let's go there. Yeah, um, I think

8:02

I would love to be um

8:05

someone who just names bones. I

8:09

should mention I'm recording this zoom? Is it too

8:11

late? Are

8:13

you cool? Cool with that? No, that's

8:15

wondering. I think. Yeah, let's have the world here.

8:18

I want to name bones. So

8:20

you must know, then, how many bones are in the human

8:22

body? Er I guess,

8:24

If i'd have to guess, I guess around five

8:27

thousand. It's two.

8:31

If we were to find a two hundred seven bone,

8:34

you would be able to name it, and you would name it of

8:36

course. Um.

8:38

Well, I have to say, I really like I'm taken with your email

8:41

name. I'd probably name it Big Daddy six. Um,

8:46

doctor, this is it's

8:48

confidential whatever happens here, even though it's online.

8:50

Right, yeah,

8:53

of course everything, everything that you say is

8:55

confidential online. I get you

8:57

a coffee. Uh

9:00

yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

9:04

So I'm doing this on my I'm doing this on my phone

9:06

at a Starbucks. Okay,

9:09

but you can still concentrate, you can still, I can still

9:11

completely concentrate. It's uh, it's it's

9:14

doctor with a oh and an R

9:17

recording in progress. Yeah,

9:20

we got this. Wait are you you're

9:22

recording this? Yeah, of course, we'll look. It's just for

9:24

my edification and uh

9:27

my, you know, gratification and my satisfaction.

9:31

Okay, um so but but

9:33

seriously, but tell me tell me whether the pain

9:35

that you're feeling and we are we talking about uh

9:38

internal emotional pain? Are we talking

9:40

about a physical pain that you're dealing. That's

9:42

the thing that's exactly right, Doc. You Hey, Mike,

9:45

Mike, what are you doing here this morning?

9:48

Doc Mike, come here, sit down on sit

9:50

down, have a seat. Sorry,

9:52

sorry, my colites that colites

9:54

cleared up. Oh good, good, good.

9:56

I'm so glad to hear that. I want you

9:58

to meet my new guy. This is a new guy. Would

10:00

you what did you say your name was? Hey,

10:03

heartbreak? Would you say your name was Big

10:06

Daddy six, Big Daddy? This is Big Daddy

10:08

six. You remember the crazy few years back when everybody's

10:10

name and everybody big Daddy six. It

10:12

was one of them. Yeah, hey, I'll

10:15

get I'll get with you in just just a second, just a second, I gotta

10:17

yetta knock this one out real quick. Okay,

10:21

you were you were saying, Oh yeah, Suvie

10:23

egg bites, those are me? So my wife, Oh

10:25

my wife she left me?

10:28

Um and

10:30

so again. Yeah, this is weird. It's like it's

10:32

a hybrid. It's combination of what you said, are

10:35

you are you? Are you chewing on a cake

10:37

pop right now? Yeah? Yeah,

10:39

yeah, I mean did

10:42

you I'd offer you a cake pop, but I don't have

10:44

one cake pop? And also with the zoom, so,

10:46

you know, I

10:48

feel like I'm dying of a broken heart. Could that

10:50

be possible? You know what,

10:52

it's never I'm not sure it's actually you

10:55

know what, I just sorry, what

10:57

I just realized I'm actually not on on the

10:59

WiFi and here, so the signal is going to be cutting in and

11:01

out. I should switch over because Starbucks always is the best

11:03

WiFi. I've been going off of LTE. Uh.

11:08

Dr Jenkins, this is your urban cybersecurity

11:11

health program. Um, we've been having

11:14

hackers trying to attack

11:16

in Have you been experienced anybody

11:18

infiltrating your zoom calls during appointments?

11:23

Uh? No, I mean I was just in one

11:25

at Starbucks. I don't think anybody

11:27

has taken over. You're using the secured line,

11:29

right, sure, I was using the I was

11:31

I was using the I mean I was

11:33

on LTE, but I switched over

11:35

to the shit he's

11:38

probably ACKed. You're

11:42

breaking up, you're breaking up, all

11:44

right? All right? It seems

11:47

like our plans working, huh, just hacking into

11:49

all these teledoc appointments and

11:51

getting personal information to

11:53

do with oh what we see fit? Are

11:58

we hackers? Are? Are we hackers? Hackers?

12:03

Yeah? We're hackers, all right? So

12:05

now I'm thinking we could do whatever

12:07

we want with this information. There's credit

12:09

card stealing, there's blackmailing, but

12:11

this awesome might be good fodder for

12:14

short stories. Yeah man,

12:17

yeah, well whatever,

12:19

you know, whatever you want to do with it because you all

12:21

stole the information. So whatever you want

12:23

to do with this, Spike, what are you thinking? Well,

12:28

you're right man, because you know I'm I'm

12:30

hacking mostly to pay the bills. But uh

12:33

yeah, I h I do. I'm

12:35

trying to get into the Iowa Writers Workshop. And

12:38

it was you haven't given

12:40

up on that yet? That's awesome. No, No,

12:42

I haven't given up. Well why don't

12:45

we just why don't we just hack the

12:47

competition? Yeah, they're

12:49

doing all their classes online now right. He

12:51

doesn't want it like that, Spike, Do you want it like

12:53

that? Is that how you want to get it? Well?

12:56

Look, if I if I have to use my hacking skills

12:58

to uh you know, to jump start my

13:00

my career as a writer of short fiction,

13:03

then that's just what I have to do.

13:06

But uh, you know, just going through a lot

13:08

of these people at the Iowa Writer's Workshop,

13:10

a lot of them are using John

13:12

Lovitt dot com email addresses, which

13:14

are just you know a lot

13:16

of firewalls. They're they're very hard to protected.

13:18

They're hard too hard to hack into. Penelope,

13:23

any ideas of what you're going to use this info

13:26

private info for? Um? Yeah,

13:28

I'm kind of mainly, like um

13:31

Spikes said, I kind of mainly am using

13:33

it for money, like this

13:35

is a job. I don't know, we have to do like other things

13:37

with it. But now, but now

13:39

you said it, I think maybe I why

13:42

not, I'll give the Iowa's Writer Workshop attract

13:44

too. Oh

13:48

okay, Spike? Is that it seems

13:50

like that would be Is that conflict? Is that? Is

13:53

it compos I just like

13:55

this limited spots available, right, I

13:57

mean I I don't know, you know how much

13:59

they're trying to diversify the you know, they're their class

14:02

for three. But yeah,

14:04

the odds that two hackers from New York

14:06

City we'd both get in, I

14:08

don't know. Well, I don't think I'm gonna write that on my application

14:11

profile. I'm not gonna say I'm a hacker.

14:15

What do you put in under? I don't I've

14:17

never done it before, You've

14:19

never you don't even care

14:22

about writing short fiction? Alright,

14:25

I don't care about it at all. I just want to do it

14:27

because you're doing it. I could get in, all

14:29

right, John Shiver, John up

14:31

Dyke, or what

14:35

what are you gonna do with it? Neo? I

14:37

actually just got myself accepted

14:40

to the Iowa Short Story Contest, different

14:45

different sc

14:49

Oh shit, I don't think I want to be part

14:51

of this competition. So you're

14:53

a doctor, huh yeah, yeah,

14:55

yeah, Wow, you have a one of those like big

14:58

fancy offices Largemont or

15:00

something like where's your office is

15:03

large Mona adjacent and it's pretty

15:05

big and pretty fancy. But you know,

15:07

we do a lot more on on on zoom.

15:11

I'm not saying as many patients examinations,

15:16

a lot less prostrate examinations

15:18

on zoom then we would do in

15:20

the office, but most of the stuff we can we can

15:22

do over less, so they're still

15:24

happening. Yes, yes, what

15:26

will happen is I'll have people insert

15:29

their own pinky and feel

15:31

around for Okay,

15:36

it's it's in What

15:39

am I looking for? We're not

15:41

looking as much as you are feeling what

15:46

it's a doctor's appointment. Okay,

15:50

what am I looking for? Uh?

15:52

Well, we're hoping for a smooth

15:56

uh text, a texture

15:58

as opposed to a lumpy you one. So

16:01

let me know as you move your finger about

16:04

if it's mostly a smooth surface

16:07

or if you're coming up

16:09

again to an abutments.

16:12

Rich rich,

16:16

what is it, honey? I Hi.

16:18

I know you're doing your virtual doctor's appointment

16:21

and it smells disgusting in here, but

16:24

you need to prepare our son more for this. He's

16:26

crying, he won't stop crying, and he's

16:28

trying to stick his finger up his butt too. Now. He

16:30

said he wants to be like daddy. Oh

16:33

wow, that happened fast. Hi doctor, nice

16:36

to see you. Yes,

16:39

you're looking well and I like that. Oh,

16:42

thank you. I do have a question about the

16:44

inside of me that I felt. I wasn't sure

16:47

if it was correct, but I'll save it for my

16:49

own appointment anyways. Want to say that? Um,

16:52

okay, you bet your see

16:54

you tuesday. Yeah, so

16:56

your husband, your husband has

16:58

been using my boyfriend as a doctor,

17:01

which is so cool. Yeah, isn't that crazy.

17:03

It's kind of like we're sleeping with each other's

17:05

boyfriend. I

17:08

have a question about the inside of me. Um

17:11

okay, and you're asking me again. In

17:13

mind, I'm a bone collector.

17:15

I don't do doctor stuff, but I'm

17:17

willing to. What's up? What's your

17:19

question? Like? The inside of me is

17:22

like which part? Yeah? Which

17:24

part? Because we're both women, I have

17:26

to go, I have to go. Why

17:28

we just we just sat down. We

17:30

worked so hard to get a reservation here.

17:34

This is making me uncomfortable after all. Okay,

17:37

First of all, you brought it up, you fucking bitch.

17:39

Second of all, it took me literal months

17:42

to get a dinner Friday reservation

17:44

at Nobu, and you're gonna leave. I drove

17:47

you here. Okay, Yeah, you're right, that's true.

17:49

Okay, fine, okay, So when

17:51

I'm I'm gonna have Toro

17:55

for sure, I'm gonna have to Oh my god,

17:57

me too. Yeah,

18:00

speaking of the texture of Toro, ya

18:05

achres Oh my god, I got

18:07

the best piece of footage

18:09

after we can totally blackmail.

18:12

This is our history teacher. Look

18:14

at this tape, knuckle

18:17

asshole. He's sticking

18:19

his finger up his boom, He's sticking his

18:21

finger up his butt. Well, now

18:23

what we we got the we got the footage. What we do

18:25

with it? I mean, is

18:29

there anything we can do? Yes,

18:31

Spike could probably use this to inspire a short

18:33

story. Yeah, I think. I think you start

18:36

with the history teacher, you know, waking

18:38

up in the morning and just kind of going through

18:40

the routines of his day,

18:42

but then flashing back to incidents

18:44

from the past. I

18:47

want to use this blackmail, like, how do

18:49

we blackmail him? Now? We want to make

18:51

money? Right, so, so not for

18:53

creative purposes, but rather destructive.

18:58

You guys have all been using this for creative

19:00

purposes, haven't you? Guilty?

19:03

Guilty, guilty guilty.

19:08

Oh my god, I didn't even notice you there.

19:10

That has seen one? Everybody

19:17

see two comes from a patron v I P. Thank

19:21

you for using my suggestion, because here's another

19:24

failed science museum exhibits.

19:29

Opening the doors, opening the

19:31

doors to the Publicna,

19:34

hang on, hang on, hold

19:39

the door, holl the door, hold the door just when

19:41

we're finishing touches, when we're finishing touch Okay,

19:44

okay, stay, stay,

19:48

stay, Okay,

19:51

you can open the door. Okay,

19:53

anybody else opening the door?

19:56

Open? Okay? Open doors.

20:02

Hello everyone, Welcome to sam

20:05

denounced museum.

20:10

Stay stay. I'm

20:14

a museum inspector,

20:16

so I would like to make sure that uh somebody

20:19

here that I

20:23

need a guy to bring me through. I'm just

20:25

security, sir. I opened and closed and

20:27

locked and unlocked the doors, so you may

20:29

want to check in with management. UM,

20:32

I'm assuming you have an appointment and I have I

20:35

can handle this. You you must be the inspector.

20:37

Yes, I am, I'm here to inspect

20:40

the museum. Everything's ready for an inspection,

20:42

right, well, this exhibit is complete.

20:45

Stay, this exhibit

20:47

is completely ready for an inspection. Thank

20:49

you so much for coming. We are and we are

20:51

a non taxidermy animal

20:54

exhibit. Stay stay,

20:58

stay, stay.

21:00

So if I could just walk you through right over here,

21:03

and um, the first exhibit I

21:05

would like to show you is, uh, this

21:07

is Leo. We call him that because all

21:09

lions are named Leo. That

21:12

lion is taxidermy. Right, No,

21:14

no, no, this is all Let's stay. This

21:16

is an entirely non taxidermied

21:20

exhibit. We we're cruelty free.

21:22

We're stay. Stay, No,

21:24

no back up, back up, back up. Hey

21:26

Hey, I said stay, I said Leo,

21:28

Leo, Leo. I said God,

21:31

oh God, Leo, God

21:37

Leo. This is all part of the exampit,

21:39

it's all part of the examity nature

21:42

enjoy when everybody for you, there

21:44

are lessons. Oh

21:46

so, uh, shut the

21:48

door, shut the door, shut the door. Hi,

21:51

ma'am, thank you for coming in. We understand you

21:53

witnessed something very traumatic at the opening of

21:55

the museum. Um. Yeah, and

21:57

tried to get in first and they closed the door

22:00

and I had to wait for it to open again. Right,

22:05

and we are working on that. Thank you for that part of the survey.

22:07

Yeah, but we're talking about the line attack.

22:09

Oh yes, sure you

22:12

Um this is weird, but

22:14

you know we have cameras everywhere. We zoomed in you.

22:17

You were actually yawning during

22:20

the attack. Yeah,

22:24

I know, I got I

22:27

got a puppy. Um,

22:30

so I kind of it's like every couple hours

22:33

whining have to check if he's pissing or whatever. So

22:36

for me, I mean, after you've had a puppy, a line

22:38

attack is nothing. Okay,

22:41

okay, okay, great. That answers all the questions

22:44

we had. Are you um? Sorry, I noticed

22:46

a kind of white

22:49

mark where it looks like a wedding band maybe

22:52

used to be. So are you used

22:54

to be? Is right? Yes? Yeah,

23:00

I'm not interested. I was just kind of wondering if

23:02

you're divorced because I could, oh,

23:05

because I was like I'm free tonight. Oh no,

23:07

absolutely not. I would never in a million

23:09

years. I was just curious. I like to know who I'm

23:11

interacting with that is divorced, and

23:14

are you so? I imagine you're taken

23:16

you I would never answer that question. Sir,

23:19

you're a stranger. Yeah. Oh I'm

23:21

so sorry. I'm so sorry. Okay,

23:23

you know what, for all of your help

23:25

here, I'm gonna give you two passes to

23:28

the gorilla exhibit. And

23:31

that's in the Natural History Museum.

23:34

Not no, it's it's in the Science Museum.

23:36

Um. They're they're they're they're

23:38

actively doing tests

23:40

on the gorilla. Now.

23:42

I'm also I could go with you, Schaffer. I could take

23:44

one of those tickets because I haven't actually seen it myself.

23:47

Oh no, sorry, I don't have them anymore.

23:50

M hmmm mmm right.

23:55

Well mcgreet was a surrealist,

23:58

so when he wrote, this is not a place up

24:00

under a picture of a pipe, uh, he

24:03

that that's kind of the whole idea. It's

24:05

a representation of a pipe and not the

24:07

actual thing. But you're saying that we have to put up a sign

24:09

saying this is a pipe under the

24:12

painting. We

24:14

don't understand why the public is being misled.

24:17

Well, uh, look, I thought when

24:20

the museum inspector comes in that this is all

24:22

pretty routine. But it feels like you're

24:24

you're exercising creative

24:26

control over these works of art that have stood

24:29

for years. I don't speak four the

24:31

Museum Inspector as much as I represent

24:34

the Museum Inspector. And

24:36

either you're served with a subpoena today

24:39

or you're not. That's pretty much up to you. Where

24:42

are these subpoenas coming from

24:45

the Museum Inspector's office? Okay,

24:48

I I don't know who signed on

24:50

off on that, And and they're sending uh,

24:54

lackative and not a Lackey

24:57

is what I'll tell you this. Lackey went to Harvard.

24:59

But sure, let's go with Lackey. Well,

25:01

if you went to Harvard, then you're probably familiar

25:03

with the artwork of Renee Mgreet. Uh

25:06

yeah, yeah, of course. And you went to Steve's

25:09

College of Art. I did go to

25:11

Steve's College of Arts. Ship.

25:17

Hello, somebody

25:20

else inside this lion inside?

25:23

Hello, I

25:26

guess I'm all along. I

25:29

thought I heard an attack, but

25:31

nope, it's just me living in this lion's

25:33

belly. Hello.

25:37

Hello, help, you're

25:40

standing on me? Oh

25:45

how long have you been there? I've been here for

25:47

a long time. What year is it? I

25:49

don't know. Well, I was eating in two eighteen.

25:51

When were you eating two seventeen?

25:54

It's been a long time time.

25:59

Oh my, didn't you sound like earlier?

26:02

Didn't It's like earlier somebody was like training

26:04

this line and that lion ate that person.

26:08

I will go with the brief moment. Yeah,

26:12

it's tightened here. I

26:15

wish I would have just stay. Are

26:17

you guys gazelles like me? It's

26:22

a good question. Good question.

26:26

Um, I'm a bird, you're a

26:28

bird. How about you?

26:30

I can't see in here? Oh

26:32

you can't see I'm a I'm

26:36

a I'm a I'm a rhinoceros.

26:40

Yeah, I'm I'm

26:44

a trucker. Help me find my keys? And here

26:50

wait you think it'd be um

26:53

yeah, so uh. It took quite

26:55

a few tranquilizers to get this lion knocked

26:57

out so we could perform this X right by the way. But

27:00

um, if you want to just look at the X ray here, it'll

27:02

be clear why the lion was feeling under

27:05

the weather. There's a bird, a gazelle. You want to

27:07

know that my lion is okay? Well, I don't

27:09

know. He has a what looks like a man and

27:11

a semi truck in

27:14

the lion's stomach, has an appetite.

27:17

We know he has an appetite let's not shame

27:19

him for it, and we we're just trying to get the

27:21

exhibit hoping. Sir, I am not. I'm a

27:23

veterinarian. My duty is to protect

27:25

my patients first. I would never shame

27:28

him. Um, and I just want to draw your There's

27:30

something else in here. I'm not really sure what it is. There's

27:33

a gazelle, a truck driver, a bird,

27:35

uh, truck, a truck

27:38

and uh and a museum inspector who's

27:40

I believe claiming to be a rhinoceros.

27:43

Oh, that's you're right. You know. I have stared

27:45

at this for so long and I

27:47

could not figure it out. Thank

27:50

you. You just saw and you knew immediately. Well,

27:52

I you know what I I can whisper. He's

27:55

my Leo's mine, it's my boy.

27:57

I can whisper my Leo. Okay. And I

27:59

also can't help an notice another thing I kind of noticed,

28:01

um behind the

28:03

teeth if you look up there at the pus

28:06

interior posterior. Um,

28:09

Wow, that did you name those bones? I did?

28:11

Yes, thank you for noticing. Um,

28:14

it looks like a bottom half of a

28:17

leg and is that. I can't help but notice

28:19

I don't want to be presumptuous. You are missing

28:21

the bottom half of your right leg, so is

28:23

that your leg in there? Um?

28:25

I'm not going to answer that question. You are a stranger,

28:28

understood, and I respect that. Again,

28:31

it's surrealism, So if the artist wants

28:33

to represent a lion with a ridiculously

28:36

large stomach, it's clearly

28:38

for comic effect. You

28:40

don't have to push put a

28:42

warning sign on that this isn't, you know,

28:44

feasibly possible. What's clearly

28:47

to one is confusing to another. Sir, I

28:49

don't know why you're taking this superior

28:51

position that everyone's on board with

28:53

your thoughts. Okay,

28:56

Well, look at Steve's College

28:58

of Art. They always told us that,

29:01

uh, yes, that the you

29:03

know that that the the artistic impulse

29:06

is is king you know, okay,

29:09

and the lion is the king

29:12

of the jungle. Yes, right.

29:15

And in the legal hallways

29:17

of Harvard they

29:19

teach us is their precedent for legal

29:23

matters, and if there is, you proceed.

29:25

If there isn't, you take caution, And in

29:27

this case there isn't. So I

29:29

am taking caution. When I asked these questions.

29:32

I am being as respectful as I possibly

29:34

can. But I smell future

29:37

representative of this particular item,

29:39

And it is very unclear to me if it's funny

29:42

or not funny, and whether or not it

29:44

belongs in a museum. And my first question

29:46

to you, sirs, doesn't need some sort of disclaimer?

29:50

Well, I think let's leave that up to the patrons

29:53

of this museum whether this is funny

29:56

or or inspired. Let's

29:59

just put up there. M

30:02

m oh. I like this piece. I like this. Yeah.

30:07

Huh m hmm. I didn't

30:09

know. I didn't know a

30:11

line stomach was so big. Apparently

30:15

unconfid aled kinds of things. Look at this disclaimer.

30:17

Look at all the things that are in it. Wait,

30:20

is the disclaimer saying those things are not actually

30:22

in it? Or is the disclaimer saying what's

30:25

this? I can't read? It looks like reading

30:27

this disclaimer, it looks like one person

30:30

wrote one thing and then someone came

30:32

through later with the red crayon and

30:34

changed all of the disclaimer and

30:36

then wrote in big letters at the bottom,

30:39

this is art. So

30:42

I don't know what to believe. But isn't that the

30:44

point of a museum that when you leave

30:46

you don't know what to believe? No,

30:49

no, no, no, no, Not in a science

30:51

museum, it should all be fat. And if they're

30:53

showing a line with the truck inside of its stomach,

30:56

then that must be what is happening

30:58

which makes me want to go jump into

31:00

a lion's mouth and say hello

31:02

to the village of living things inside of it?

31:04

Well, doesn't that make it art then? And this isn't

31:07

then? Isn't every science museum and art

31:09

museum? And if every science museum is an art

31:11

museum, isn't it all open for interpretation?

31:15

M hmm. All

31:17

I know is that is definitely a

31:20

pipe that

31:23

has seen two three?

31:35

Who wrote? I dreamt

31:37

I was holding a large pill in

31:40

my hand. Is it I dreamed or I dreamt?

31:42

Greig? I think either

31:44

is acceptable perfect. I

31:47

squeezed this large pill in my

31:49

hand tightly, and then from the pressure in the sweat

31:51

on my palms, the pill casing

31:54

begins to disintegrate. I have

31:56

an urgent need to swallow this pill before

31:58

it falls apart. I put it in my mouth, and

32:01

then I woke up back in my

32:03

real life. A large object was

32:05

in fact stuck in my throat. In my sleeping

32:07

confusion, I worked with everything I have

32:10

at my reach to

32:12

get this thing down moments later, it

32:15

occurs to me that I've actually now swallowed

32:18

one of my wireless earbud to

32:28

the e R. I went, oh,

32:33

anonymous, Oh, dear sweet

32:35

anonymous. Thank you for sharing that, uh

32:38

scene suggestion a man is in the e R for having

32:40

swallowed an earbud. Yeah, no, ship, let

32:43

me please let me make this anonymous

32:46

due to the sensitive nature of it, of course, and

32:49

bless you for sharing. Thank you very very

32:51

much. Suiture

32:53

Stack, just hold

32:56

on there, if you will get that here

32:58

you go. You could say, please, what

33:01

the fuck what I got the sutures?

33:03

I got the sutures. I got them.

33:05

Stat Apparently, stat is what we have to do around

33:07

here with Dr Bossy.

33:10

Okay, somebody gonna knock me out. Okay,

33:17

sir, just hold on another few moments.

33:19

Please, the anesthesiologist is on their way.

33:21

You too, need to take your ship outside though.

33:23

I can't have arguing in front of the pace. Sorry.

33:26

Do I feel like you're the you're the problem doctor

33:28

right right for

33:31

us? Yeah? You know what, here, you take

33:33

over. I'm gonna go maybe wait,

33:36

I'm gonna go on a smoke break good lecture. Okay,

33:40

wait, does that mean you're in charge of me now, I

33:44

mean technically yes, but fine,

33:46

why don't we work it? Why don't we work together? Okay,

33:48

fine, let's work together. Well, sir, what

33:50

seems to be the problem.

33:52

I swallowed one of I swallowed.

33:55

Um, I swallowed. It's

33:57

it's an mirror budget type thing. But it was also

33:59

a mike her phone. Um

34:02

in that in that earbuds

34:05

have a two way speaker. It's

34:07

a microphone or no.

34:09

No, I was undercover and somebody knew us

34:11

where the wire. So I real quick

34:13

swallowed it. I real

34:16

quick swallowed. So I gotta keep this kind

34:18

of on the d L. It's gotta

34:20

be anonymous. This is exciting. Oh

34:22

that's why you're anonymous. Okay, Why am I holding

34:24

a suitor that I don't know? Can

34:26

we get the doctor back? And he's

34:29

on a smoke break, and also

34:31

he wanted to use a suiture on for the

34:33

situation. I think that's wrong. Nurse well,

34:36

I mean, he's gonna have to get cut open to get it out of there

34:38

anyway. I don't know. I think we can just open

34:40

up his phone and see what's been recorded. No,

34:44

you can't, that's that's super

34:46

private information. Grab his phone out, Grab his phone

34:48

out of his pocket. Okay,

34:50

they all right, we opened it. Look at

34:53

that. Who go to voice memos. It's

34:55

still recording, so

34:58

we're being recorded. That's a good Hi.

35:01

Hello,

35:05

you gotta talk closer, and I'm gonna stop. I'm

35:07

gonna stop, and I'm gonna grow

35:09

according and I'm gonna press play. Please don't know?

35:13

Hey, sick fuck you want? What

35:16

do I feel under there? Either that's a third

35:18

tit or you got a wire. It's not

35:20

a wire. Stop this whoa

35:24

wow. He was not bullshitting

35:27

us. He really was some sort of informant.

35:30

This is amazing. Why why did you change

35:32

your voice? I was I was starting

35:34

todercover. I was undercover.

35:37

That's my undercover voice.

35:39

You just make up a different voice for when you're

35:41

undercover. Oh, that's just

35:43

tough guy voice. It's tough guy voice.

35:45

I was undercover. Okay,

35:47

tough guy. Let's see what else you got on the recording. Tough

35:49

guy. Here we go. Hey, how come

35:52

your voice sounded different than when you first started

35:54

talking to me a couple of seconds ago. I

35:58

don't know. It was probably because I swallow, remember that

36:00

thing was it was a bug caught

36:02

in my throat? What

36:05

so it doesn't

36:08

sound like you were doing a great job. I felt like that person was

36:10

on to you immediately. It was improvising.

36:13

I didn't know what to do, like I caught in the moment.

36:16

It's just that doctor smokeber. You can take too longer.

36:18

We just wait for him to get smokes. American spirits

36:20

they take forever, like they're

36:23

better for you. Ya know. All

36:25

they do is take fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes.

36:27

I wasn't say fifteen minutes. Yeah, I

36:30

feel like a marbor light six minutes.

36:32

Look at us figuring out how to get along. Okay,

36:36

okay, so what to do with

36:38

you? Sure

36:41

we have a super Maybe we could

36:43

try making me vomited up. Nobody's

36:46

trying that. Maybe maybe maybe an invasive

36:49

um, an invasive

36:51

thing. Let's

36:54

listen to more of the recording. Okay, wait,

36:58

now you want to perform something called the Harold

37:01

for me? Yeah, it's

37:04

not a big deal. But what I'm gonna do with some

37:06

group games, I'm gonna bring everything together

37:08

afterwards. It's kind of weird

37:10

when I do it by myself. So doing

37:12

you're describing a Harold as doing

37:14

group games that then come together at the

37:17

end. You

37:20

know what much press

37:23

positive. I don't

37:25

know a lot like I'm a nurse. Sure,

37:27

well you're a doctor right now? Okay,

37:30

stop it. But I did spend a couple

37:32

of months at an improv theater,

37:35

and if I'm mistaken, it seems like

37:37

the bad guy in this situation totally called

37:40

you out. I'm not getting what a herald you

37:42

know what? In the moment, it was strange, but I didn't

37:45

think she'd really call me to do a Harold. Just one

37:47

person at best, I can do stand

37:49

up set unless I had a team, and maybe

37:51

they bring a team in. Well,

37:53

will you just you know what this is gonna be good for our records?

37:55

Will you please walk us through the elements

37:58

of a hell your knowledge?

38:00

Oh, here's the thing that should be quick.

38:02

It should be QUI. So you usually

38:05

you're gonna have your team and you're gonna come out.

38:07

You're gonna get a single words suggestion.

38:11

Then you do like some sort of an

38:13

idea generating game, and then you'll do

38:15

three scenes which we usually call it, which we usually

38:18

call an opener, an

38:20

opening game or

38:22

listen to obviously still playing a game,

38:24

because that's it's game. It's the game. You're

38:28

I wanna listen. I want to listen to this bad guy who's

38:30

saying dear

38:34

announcement for the doctors and the nurses.

38:37

You may have heard earlier. I just wanted to repeat,

38:40

we are still out of epichat.

38:42

We are out of epichac. So it's a

38:44

patient comes into the e er and they've swallowed

38:47

something, they're fucked. Just to be clear,

38:49

we are out of epichat. It

38:52

was like almost someone like wants it,

38:54

like likes the way it tastes, because like,

38:57

this is like my sixth hospital I've worked at

39:00

and we've never run out before. But

39:03

who would be sipping on an epichat cocktail?

39:06

I don't know, do we? You don't think it's

39:08

it's the janitor, do you? Oh

39:11

my god, the janitor that we call him

39:13

Barfi Yeah,

39:15

Barfey Bill, Barfey Bill's always

39:21

Hi Bill, Hi Bill. Hey,

39:24

y'all just just want to empty the

39:26

trash cans. Awesome, thank

39:29

you, We appreciate you. Bill. Oh

39:33

my god, Bill,

39:35

are you okay? Yeah, I'm sorry. I gotta

39:37

get the wood chips to uh oh

39:41

my god, Oh no, it's

39:43

all right. I know how to clean it up. Uh

39:47

what it's uh what'ever here? Did

39:49

you hear over the the announcement the

39:52

p A. No. I got my earbuds

39:54

and I listened to MPR. Oh

39:57

there that we're out of epichac again

39:59

for this six straight months. Oh,

40:02

because I'm a janitor, I can't listen to NPR.

40:08

Oh No, sorry, I was just I was anticipating

40:15

apecac. Huh, that's that's weird, okay,

40:21

So okay, So so let me get this straight.

40:24

So, so I wanted to specifically

40:26

define what it is we're looking for in this second

40:29

beat so called? Can

40:31

we please just let me use this suiture? Don't

40:34

please, don't anything to step to the suture from

40:36

coming in at me. I don't know. I think the nurse

40:38

is right. Probably anything from discussing what

40:40

a herald is anymore would be better. Okay,

40:43

sure him up? Okay, where though, Like

40:45

I mean, he's got a lot of holes and

40:47

suture is the only thing the doctor asked

40:50

for, so I know that's what he's planning

40:52

on using. Are we trying to seal the air bud

40:54

in or we're trying to seal

40:58

other openings?

41:01

Folks, the surgery light wasn't on, that's

41:05

okay? Are you just high

41:08

high bill? Yeah,

41:10

just please don't get near this patient. Oh

41:13

of course, of course, Bill, can you

41:15

can you? Can you keep it down? I'm gonna press play on this

41:17

recording real quick. Sure, Oh

41:20

my god, please stop stop.

41:22

It's been going on for fifty minutes. I think they're only

41:26

they're going to like it. It's been you. I

41:28

can't follow. You're playing every character,

41:31

you're doing everything, and you're asking me to name

41:33

the game of the scene after every fucking

41:35

wait, but you guys, are they talking about Harold

41:39

Bill? You know Tina

41:42

phase on Terry Gross right now, it's talking about

41:44

That's a great one, A long

41:47

form improv in Chicago.

41:50

Oh god, I'm

41:52

sorry. Did that getting did that getting

41:54

into anybody's open? No?

41:57

No, we're

42:00

just we were just about to suit your him up. Okay,

42:05

any idea where you've

42:07

been in that? You look, you've worked at a lot of hospitals,

42:09

haven't you. You've been in a lot of e R

42:11

s. Tell me about it. I don't

42:13

think that's a qualifier. If

42:16

if the doctor said I

42:18

want to suit her, but nothing had happened,

42:21

nothing else, and all we were going

42:23

off of like it was the only item that

42:25

was on this tray. What would you use

42:27

it for I was like a short form

42:29

game. Oh my god, is everything

42:32

about improv for you? I don't know. I'm just it's

42:34

in my head or not. It's like you're still at that school.

42:36

Hey, everybody's hand like, hey

42:39

doctor, I'm the anestusiologists.

42:43

But thank you? Is this the

42:45

patient? Wait? Hold on, duck? You

42:48

just you all

42:50

right? Do you want to take a knee? I'm

42:53

the I'm

42:55

with the nurse here. If we just there's a

42:57

likeness that's like, oh you're

42:59

talking a doctor, Larry. Yeah,

43:01

you guys look similar? We do?

43:04

We do. There's no relation. We do look

43:06

similar. Uh.

43:08

In fact, I remember I was arrested once he

43:10

was up on fondling

43:12

equipment charges and give

43:15

a whole fucking dissertation on why I'm

43:17

an anesthusiologist who touches nothing but

43:19

the anesthesiologist equipment.

43:22

So yeah, there's a similarity.

43:24

We look alike. We even sound like different

43:27

guy. Okay, so you're going to knock

43:29

this patient out so we can. I don't think

43:31

it's a good idea. Uh, sutur

43:34

Well, before anyone's suturing, we should

43:36

probably get a scalpel in a doctor's hand. So

43:38

there's something to suture. But in the meantime, I'm

43:40

gonna knock this fucker out. At that scalpel

43:43

in a doctor's hand. Uh

43:47

yeah, yeah, Well isn't

43:49

it anesthusiologist technically a doctor?

43:51

So you hold this scalpel and I'll suit your him up.

43:54

Yes, right, Okay,

43:57

you

44:00

you guys are nurses. Guys come back from

44:02

a hundred sir, you guys are nursing. Huh,

44:06

I'm I'm a janitor. Don't mind me. I'm just

44:09

just pounding my special drink here. Uh

44:12

what kind of special drink you're hugging there, buddy?

44:15

Uh, It's it's mostly

44:18

epicac. Wait what

44:22

mostly? What's all anybody

44:24

had to do was ask? That's terrific. H

44:28

It's it's like a third Lacroix

44:30

or spin drift or you know whatever, whatever

44:34

your go to soda is, you know, right,

44:37

Like, look, look,

44:39

so so, so what are you getting at here? You

44:41

think the guy that we sold the drugs

44:43

too might be a cop, but he also might

44:46

be a bad improviser. Is definitely

44:48

a bad improviser, I got that much. But

44:51

as far as being a cop, I don't know what kind of cops

44:54

are told to swallow their wire,

44:56

explain view of the person that

44:58

they're trying to arrest. You know what, I yeah,

45:01

yeah, yeah, Look, we're gonna have to kill you.

45:03

You know yeah,

45:05

We're gonna heighten this. This is the third beat, Sweetheart,

45:09

that's our show for today. This

45:13

is the third beat, Sweetheart. That should

45:15

be the name of your second book. Chris, Um,

45:18

oh no, so not okay and so funny

45:20

at the same time, hashtag

45:22

canceled. All right, let's thank almost

45:25

everyone for being here today, starting

45:28

with Chris Alverado. Chris,

45:30

thank you. It's such a pleasure to play

45:32

with this group of people. Um,

45:35

that's all I want to say. Fucking what a fun

45:37

for a fun day indeed, and thank

45:39

you for sharing it. And give our best to Jess, who I

45:41

believe popped in earlier momentarily,

45:45

Um, and tell her everyone is enjoying the television

45:48

program that she is on. Was there an announcement

45:50

for a second season? Already? We're waiting

45:52

where I've

45:55

spoken too soon. I'm a big JINX.

45:58

Sorry about that. All good? Uh,

46:00

but so far, so good, so great, and

46:03

um, all the best to both

46:05

of you, damn it. Please? All right? Fair

46:08

enough? Mark Gagliardi

46:10

can I put my foot in something in your life? Please

46:12

put just find somewhere to put your

46:15

foot and when you take it out, I'll

46:17

make sure it's all suitured back up. You

46:19

happy to see on the Instagram that Jamie and I made

46:22

a special trip out to the land yesterday because

46:24

it was maybe day two

46:26

of you Can Hug. Oh,

46:28

it's back to hugging the characters.

46:31

Now the characters. That's very

46:33

sweet. I didn't think the first

46:35

three most important were for

46:37

us to hug to hug

46:40

um, I would I would go all

46:43

five of the big five, making Mini Donald, Pluto goofy.

46:45

But for you guys, that's

46:50

the Big five. But

46:52

but I'm gonna guess personal thing.

46:57

I don't know who were the first ones that you went and hugged.

47:01

Well, it was based on availability,

47:03

but so so Ratigan from but

47:06

they were in they were in the top five

47:08

choices. We started with Chip

47:11

and Dale. There's a photo that her friend called Chip which

47:13

because she's in between them, very

47:15

cute Chipp and Dale. Then we went straight to Donald,

47:17

who was not impressed at all with my Donald

47:20

sneeze. You know, usually I can get the

47:22

uh seventeen year old that's

47:24

inside the costume to laugh for some sort

47:27

of acknowledgement. I don't know what you're talking about. There's nobody

47:29

in any cop but nothing nothing from this

47:31

one, which is so good. Yeah

47:34

so, but nothing again zero zip

47:36

za uh yeah

47:38

so is uh Chipp and Dale and Donald

47:40

and eventually Mickey. Mickey was so

47:44

nervous because about people

47:46

decided to line up and it was just

47:48

too much. I get it. Yeah.

47:52

Um, but bless

47:54

you and yours and welcome back from Orlando.

47:56

And I hope your illness goes away quickly. And it's

47:58

not COVID. Thank you. It's definitely not COVID.

48:01

It was a delight to be here today and all of you

48:03

make me laugh very hard. Perfect

48:06

you see that, Caroline. Uh

48:08

yeah, I actually did for the first time ever.

48:15

Thank you so much for being here, you

48:17

know, thanks for having me. Um,

48:21

that's all I have to say. I had a good time with four

48:26

of the other people here. I won't name

48:28

the one that I did not have a good time. I

48:31

think that's fair, So thank you.

48:34

Do you have some performances, some live things or

48:36

websites people can maybe visit to see

48:38

some of your performance websites.

48:41

No, um, you know, I

48:43

don't really have any I have a live

48:45

show in June. Um, there we go,

48:47

and uh, you need to listen to my podcast

48:49

Stinkers Boom.

48:53

Look, you know, we're all just trying

48:55

our best out here. At least four out of

48:57

the six of us are of

48:59

us. Some of us are just waiting for that invite. I love it.

49:01

I love live performance, I love doing, I love performing.

49:03

I love to perform. You know I'm being for

49:05

a while. You have what's your name again? Yes,

49:12

and that's ship Chris. Thank

49:15

you, Carol and Chris. Yes, yes you too,

49:17

damn it, thank you, thank you, my

49:19

goodness gracious. Back to you again, Craig. Well,

49:23

this is my standard disclaimer that none of us are

49:25

healthcare professionals and none of the advice that

49:27

we give on this show is meant to be interpreted.

49:30

Uh. Ipocac has been found to have minimal

49:32

health benefits and is ultimately ineffective

49:35

at purging the body of poisonous substances.

49:37

As the American Society of Healthcare Professionals

49:39

advises, epocac SARA no longer

49:41

recommended for routine management of outpatient

49:44

ingestions of medications or other chemicals.

49:47

Thank you, Thank you for that as well as

49:49

the correct pronunciation. I'll appreciated

49:53

epocacs.

49:57

Yes, you gotta love every word with cat. It's

50:00

a great comedy part of a word. James

50:03

cak Heeney, thank you, thank

50:06

you. I am so glad that

50:08

I got to get together today. I laughed

50:11

harder today than I have in a while. So

50:14

um, I'd say check out game

50:16

Front, the website game

50:18

front dot com or the YouTube channel. Thank

50:21

you for that. Let's thank your engineering producers

50:24

to the stars. Mr Drug find

50:28

folks that I hurt media from the Iman

50:32

host Kevin Pollack reminding you that we greatly

50:35

appreciate your listenership, your

50:37

viewership, your involvement. We

50:41

reached out and asked for new scene suggestions

50:43

because there was a a

50:47

time when that was needed. Is no

50:49

longer needed. I repeat,

50:51

back off with your scene suggestions

50:54

were good for a little bit shocked

50:58

by this information. Who

51:02

yeah, yeah, my my

51:04

rudeness is appreciated by seventeen percent

51:06

of our audience and it's improven. Continue

51:09

to write your reviews so James can get

51:11

off a ledge with the M sixteen and

51:13

until next time,