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0:14

Welcome, welcome, to Armchair Anonymous.

0:17

I'm Dax Shepard and I'm

0:19

joined by Monica Padman. Hi.

0:21

Animal Attack. Oops! These are

0:23

scary. They're always good. Yeah.

0:26

They're always good. Animals are not

0:28

to be fucked with you guys. Yeah,

0:30

in the past, the two stories

0:32

that I'll always end up telling

0:35

in a dinner party is the

0:37

grizzly bear attack and the shark

0:39

attack that we've heard. And I'm

0:41

proud to say there's now a

0:44

third attack that I've been repeating

0:46

a lot that comes from this

0:48

episode. Animal Tech was hoard. I

0:50

know. I mean, you can't. What do

0:52

we expect? Hard, yeah. Really good.

0:55

You can't listen, but it's great.

0:57

Yeah, no, it shan't ever be

0:59

listened to. Please enjoy Animal Attacks

1:02

part something. Oh, just too. Oh,

1:04

just too. All right. This episode

1:06

is supported by F.X's Dying

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for Sex, starring Michelle Williams

1:11

and Jenny Slate. Inspired

1:13

by a true story, this series follows

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her best friend Nikki who stays by

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on Hulu. We are supported

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by better help. Support systems are

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so important. The most, some would

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say. Yeah, I have just a slew of people

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I rely on. Yeah, me too. Tom

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Hansen, I'm talking to you. In a

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society that glorifies hyper-independence, it's easy to

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forget that we're all better when we

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have a support system behind us. There

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can be a source of support for

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any area of your life. It's time

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to shift the focus from... doing it

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all to knowing we're better when we

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ask for help. I have a very

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hard time asking for help.

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Yeah, therapy is great.

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We all, I mean,

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we can't really say

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better help

3:01

h-e-l-p.com/Dax. What an

3:03

eclectic group of shirts you have behind

3:06

you. Yeah, that's my crawfish collection. Okay,

3:08

and you're wearing those what on the

3:10

weekend or for a specific event? I

3:13

do a crawfish boil usually a couple

3:15

times a year in spring. Are you

3:17

in Louisiana? No, we're a little bit

3:20

north of Austin. Oh, and you're doing

3:22

a crawfish boil. Is that a popular

3:24

event down there? Yeah, a lot of

3:26

it's brought in from Louisiana. They're like

3:29

shrimp or like lobster or neither. They

3:31

live in swamps. I think they burrow

3:33

into the ground for most of the

3:36

winter and then they come up this

3:38

time of year and that's when they

3:40

catch them. It's like a mud shrimp.

3:43

I've been. Tell me about it. Tell

3:45

me about it. In the South a

3:47

lot. They put it all on newspaper

3:49

and then you eat it. Oh. Yeah.

3:51

Well you have an animal attack

3:53

story. I do. This starts mid-90s.

3:56

My grandparents found a baby deer

3:58

on the side of the... road

4:00

of fawn and it's covered in fire

4:02

ants. Not doing well, it's abandoned. They

4:04

take it home. We live around the

4:07

Austin area in the hill country. They've

4:09

got 80 acres. They nurse it back

4:11

to health. They build a high fence

4:13

enclosure for this deer and his name

4:16

becomes Bucky. Fast forward four years, Bucky's

4:18

still there. I'm about seven. My sister's

4:20

11. And so we've grown up with

4:22

Bucky around. He's family pet. And is

4:25

the very docile. but you could go

4:27

feed him, you'd come eat out of

4:29

your hand. Also important in these four

4:31

years, my parents had just gotten divorced.

4:34

This is a combination of my dad

4:36

and my grandparents live on the same

4:38

property. So when me and my sister

4:40

at my dad's house, he's outnumbered. He

4:42

sends us to go feed Bucky. His

4:45

enclosure is about 150 yards away from

4:47

the house. So me and my sister

4:49

walk up there and we're throwing bread

4:51

through there and as we had walked

4:53

up there, the family dogs in tows

4:56

in tow. got antlers and is he

4:58

200 pounds? Like how big is bucky and

5:00

how formidable has he become? He's got an

5:02

eight point rack. He's pretty good sized. Yeah,

5:04

okay. We're feeding him through the fence. We

5:07

kind of toss him through. It's just like

5:09

a six inch metal square fence and as

5:11

we're throwing one. It hits the fence and

5:13

falls. Jasmine, the family dog, she runs up

5:16

there to grab a piece and I lean

5:18

down to stop her. This is the end

5:20

of October. And so that's important because dearer

5:23

in rut, they're baiting and that's when they're

5:25

all fired up. So as I go down

5:27

to stop the dog, I don't know if

5:29

he thinks I'm an opponent or he's not

5:31

happy with the dog, but he leans for

5:33

it and... hits the fence. So I stand

5:35

up and I touch my head, my hand

5:37

comes down, it's solid red. Oh no! I'm

5:39

seven years old, so I have these bright

5:41

vivid memories of sections of this and I

5:43

look at my sister and she just lets

5:46

out this scream that I could still hear

5:48

today. We go running to the house and

5:50

so I know my dad's worked in the

5:52

driveway. Tears are in my face and I

5:54

can barely see the house, he comes out,

5:56

he meets us halfway, grabs me, throws me,

5:58

throws me in the... and he gives me

6:01

a hand towel full of ice to hold

6:03

on there. And it's about 25 minutes to

6:05

the emergency room. I hit my head a

6:07

lot growing up. There was one memory where

6:09

I said, dad, am I gonna die? And

6:12

he had this running joke where he would

6:14

say yes. But not today. And I remember

6:16

asking him in the truck. He just said

6:18

no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. They accidentally give

6:21

themselves away sometimes parents when they're trying to

6:23

play it cool. Yeah, yeah. It was obvious.

6:25

It was serious. And by the time we

6:27

get to the time we get to the

6:30

emergency room to the emergency room. You know

6:32

I'm covered in blood I remember being very

6:34

calm I'm talking with the doctor there he's

6:36

saying okay I have to give you a

6:38

shot to numb it we're gonna have to

6:41

staple this shut to give you an idea

6:43

of the wound he was showing my dad

6:45

he's got gloved hands on and he puts

6:47

his finger up to my dad says the

6:50

middle knuckle oh my skin it didn't puncture

6:52

your skull though no thankfully oh I thought

6:54

he put his finger fucking knuckle deep into

6:56

your brain now I'd be talking like Frido

6:58

What's amazing about it is how close that

7:01

could have been to my eye. I could

7:03

be blind. They ended up doing five staples

7:05

and I had to go to school and

7:07

tell my teacher and everybody, oh I got

7:09

attacked by the pet deer. Sure looked pretty

7:11

gnarly with metals stapled in my head. Oh,

7:13

oh, oh. Bringing up the divorce, what quickly

7:15

happened after is Texas Parks and Wildlife

7:17

shows up with my parents and

7:20

grandparents' house asking where the deer

7:22

is. Oh, because someone at the

7:24

hospital reported it? Or your mom

7:27

did? I asked my mom, I

7:29

said, was it you? And she

7:32

said, I'm not going to say.

7:34

Oh, okay. Because I can guarantee

7:36

you I told the divorce attorney,

7:39

because I'm sure there was custody

7:41

going on. When I interviewed my

7:43

grandma this week, trying to piece

7:46

together some things, she goes, well,

7:48

that officer told us it was your

7:50

mother. Because your dad's like, we're just

7:53

living. It was an accident. Did they eat

7:55

bucky? Or you can't turn bucky free at that point,

7:57

can you? They told him he was going to be

7:59

released into. to some kind of sanctuary.

8:01

He's used to being around people.

8:03

What's surprising is, as I've been

8:05

queued up to be on here,

8:07

I've told this story a few

8:09

people this week, and I think

8:12

three people have told me they

8:14

had a deer growing up. My

8:16

wife had a deer, my barber's

8:18

husband, and something I had lunch

8:20

with today. Oh, wow. No kidding.

8:22

It's kind of standard in hill

8:24

country? Maybe. But you're the only

8:26

one that got attacked. That I

8:29

know of. Okay, so Bucky left

8:31

where the grandparents sad. Did everyone

8:33

miss Bucky or in a week?

8:36

They were like, oh yeah, I

8:38

forgot we even had that. Why

8:40

did we have that? I'm sure

8:42

they were just more mad at

8:44

my mom. Yeah, they had bigger

8:46

fish to fry. Divorces kind of

8:48

taint. Oh yeah, they take a

8:50

over. Well, Kyle, pleasure meeting you.

8:53

Yeah, nice to meet you. Is

8:55

it okay if my wife hops

8:57

and say hello? Oh, wonderful.

8:59

Thank you for supporting

9:01

us. Always. I appreciate the

9:03

entertainment. Oh good. And

9:05

do you think you'll

9:07

also get a t-shirt? It's

9:10

on the way while I was listening

9:12

to the cookie boy disagreement. That's when

9:14

I purchased it. While I'm walking my

9:16

dogs, I bought it while you're disagreeing

9:18

about who would or would not wear

9:20

the shirt. I would encourage you to

9:23

wear it. Well, to make everyone happy,

9:25

but what a clever marketing ploy that would

9:27

be if we were that calculated. Because I

9:29

think a lot of people came to your

9:32

defense and bought it just to defend you.

9:34

Yeah. Maybe they just like it and think

9:36

everyone should wear it. That too, but also I

9:38

think some people are like, I got to support

9:40

Monica. All the comments Monica where I

9:42

bought the cookie boy shirt because of

9:45

that. Oh my God. We're here for

9:47

you. Thank you. I'm excited to wear

9:49

it so we can all match. All

9:51

right, well lovely meeting both of you.

9:53

Really nice meeting both of you. Thank

9:56

you so much. All right, take care.

9:58

Little armchair family. Yeah, she

10:00

had the merch, she bought cookie boy

10:02

to stick up for her sister. She

10:04

bought cookie boy because she loved

10:06

it. Because it's such a good. It

10:09

is good. It is good. I never

10:11

said it wasn't good. It was always

10:13

a conversation about whether I thought I

10:15

was false advertising. That's it. We need

10:18

to put out to the arm cherries

10:20

what they want to see on a

10:22

shirt. We already decided. Oh yeah, but

10:24

we'll have more. Yeah, okay great. So

10:26

they should tell us what they want.

10:28

We forget a lot of stuff. We

10:30

forget we're forgetful. Yeah, I'll probably

10:33

say it on the fact check,

10:35

but for these listeners, I did

10:37

reach out to the person who I saw

10:40

in line. You did? I damned. Was

10:42

there a response? Yes, a very,

10:44

very kind response, but he does

10:46

have a girlfriend. Oh, I want

10:48

to hear all the details. I'm

10:50

not going to expose him. In

10:53

your reach out, you made

10:55

it clear you were...

10:57

interested romantically. Yeah. Right,

10:59

because he's had to

11:01

say I have a

11:03

girlfriend. Yeah. Wow, I'm so proud

11:05

of you. How did you phrase

11:08

it? I don't want to

11:10

say. Oh, half and half

11:12

hour. Well, it's vulnerable, but

11:14

I did it and I'm proud

11:17

I did it. Congrats. I

11:19

wish it had gone

11:22

differently, obviously. Exactly.

11:25

Hello? Hello, can you hear me?

11:27

Yeah, we can hear you. Can

11:29

you turn your camera on? Oh,

11:31

wait, you know what? Oh! I had

11:33

work mode on. Good, we can

11:35

see you now. So Amanda, where

11:38

are you? I am in Atlanta,

11:40

Georgia. Where? What part? Currently,

11:42

I'm in Brookhaven. I will say.

11:44

Monica, I'm jealous of you because

11:46

we graduated the same year of

11:48

high school and I went to

11:51

Brookwood and I was a competition

11:53

cheerleader and we were failures compared

11:55

to you. Wait, you and I

11:57

competed against each other. That's why.

12:00

We've never heard of a disgruntled competitor

12:02

yet. This is a first. I won't

12:04

be that disgruntled because I was more

12:06

of the... spirit hands on the floor

12:09

and they didn't know what to do

12:11

with me. I doubt that. Like

12:13

more of a participation trophy type

12:15

situation. Yeah, I'll be wonderful. If

12:17

you're on that competition squad, you

12:20

had some skills. We've met before.

12:22

This is so crazy. It is.

12:24

Okay. Well, most importantly, you were attacked

12:26

by an animal, unless you were the

12:29

animal that attacked. I don't know. Could

12:31

go either way. Humans are animals. So

12:33

this is November of 2020. just recently

12:35

been working in an emergency department. I

12:38

loved it, but I was trying to

12:40

figure out what my path would be

12:42

in my career. And so I ended

12:45

up getting my master's degree and

12:47

taking some time off. My master's

12:49

degree was in basically emergency preparedness.

12:51

Then I tried to apply for

12:53

jobs with that in the heart

12:55

of the pandemic and they were

12:57

like, well, we need some people

12:59

with some experience. I ended up

13:01

being unemployed for a little while. I

13:03

was also going through a divorce. Yeah, it

13:05

was a lot, but I started working

13:07

as a line cook and trying to

13:09

be the most outdoorsy version of myself

13:12

as I could be because I had

13:14

time, I was single, so I was

13:16

about to try and go on this

13:18

run and I needed directions and so

13:20

I pulled over to look for directions

13:22

and I saw this woman and her

13:24

daughter, they were hysterical and like kind

13:26

of pointing across this five, six lane

13:28

road. I saw that they had lost

13:31

control of their dogs. And they were

13:33

on leashes, but just hysterical. I've had

13:35

big pit bulls my entire life. And so

13:37

it was like, I got this, I'm gonna

13:39

be a good Samaritan and go help

13:41

them. You have a master's in

13:44

emergency preparedness. This has to fall

13:46

under that umbrella. I should. So I

13:48

get out and I'm doing the kind

13:50

of like slapping my knee motion come

13:52

to me. And they do, but one

13:55

of the dogs just immediately latches onto

13:57

my arm. Oh, my God. What kind of

13:59

dog? pits my entire adult life. You know

14:01

when you rescue a pit, there's some innate

14:04

distrust from the community. Understandably,

14:06

they've got big teeth. Even

14:08

when you train them and

14:10

raise them, right? You don't

14:12

really know what they're going to

14:14

do. Well, just the bottom line

14:16

is if it goes sideways, they

14:19

have the physical ability to really

14:21

harm somebody. Yeah, they're so tough.

14:23

That's what all of us non-pit

14:25

people on the outside are going.

14:28

It's like, yeah, tigers could be

14:30

great, but fuck, one goes sideways,

14:32

they can kill a human. So

14:34

this thing fucking latched onto your

14:37

arm. Yeah. So the dog watched on

14:39

and did one of those like... You were

14:41

its chew toy. Yeah, I'm bleeding through my

14:43

favorite sweatshirt, her daughter, who I find out

14:45

is 10 years old and she is just

14:48

hysterical. I feel so bad for her, but

14:50

at the same time, I kind of feel

14:52

bad for myself. Yeah, yeah, you're getting

14:55

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it's probably like six seconds.

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It's not that long, but

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So it's probably like

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six seconds. It's not

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that long, but she grabs hold

18:20

of the leash and she tosses her

18:22

phone and her wallet on the ground

18:24

because they're on this walk She was

18:26

like, it's collateral and she leaves with

18:28

the dog because they live like right

18:31

down the street. So she was like,

18:33

I'm going to take my dog away

18:35

and that's my collateral. You have my

18:37

daughter in my information. Oh, my take

18:40

of it because they lived in the

18:42

apartment complex right near where it happened.

18:44

I think that she let her daughter

18:46

hold the leashes while she was locking

18:48

the door or something. Yeah, it's a strong

18:50

dog. And then they were out trying to find

18:53

them, I guess. Yeah. The daughter, I'm trying

18:55

not to yell at her because I

18:57

don't want to yell at a 10

18:59

girl. So I was like, can you

19:01

call 911 please? She's like, I don't

19:04

have a phone. I was like, that's

19:06

my phone. Meanwhile, I'm like up on

19:08

the hood of my car, even though

19:10

the other dog is gone. There's a

19:12

chihuahua there. I'm like, it's going to

19:15

bite my ankles. I'm between my shoulder

19:17

and my shoulder and my ear. as

19:19

I'm holding my arm. Monica, I'm sure

19:22

you know the level one trauma hospital

19:24

in Atlanta. Grady, he was right on

19:26

the street. They came within like three

19:28

minutes and the police showed up and

19:31

they're like, do you want to press charges?

19:33

I said no, the woman didn't bite me.

19:35

People are going to be so mad at

19:37

me right now, but does it cross your

19:39

mind? Maybe I got a press charges

19:41

because they don't have control of the

19:43

dog and someone else going to get

19:45

their arm. What Grady ended up doing was

19:47

they charged me what's called indigent care. It's

19:50

what they charged for like homeless populations. So

19:52

I paid like 300 bucks for the ambulance.

19:54

Whoever coded it the way that they coded

19:56

it. They knew that I was not going

19:59

to be paid and It's not to say that

20:01

this family is bad people, but they never

20:03

followed up. I get to the hospital

20:05

and I'm deemed very stable. I mean,

20:07

the bleeding has stopped. I do have

20:09

a significant enough wound that they have

20:12

to debris it with like sterile water,

20:14

which is terrible. But I was sitting

20:16

there with a person in front of

20:18

me who was laid on his front

20:20

side. because they had been shot in the

20:22

butt. So if he's stable enough to be out

20:24

there, I'm like, I'm just chilling. Yeah. But it

20:26

is paying a picture of where you're at.

20:28

There's gunshot wounds in the lobby. There are

20:30

a lot of gunshots that come through Grady.

20:32

The fact that I was brought in the ambulance

20:35

and I got to kind of see that process

20:37

and then got to sit in the ER

20:39

for a while and listen to the emergency room

20:41

process, I was like, you know, I know I

20:43

can't go back to work to work to work

20:46

for a work for a work for a work

20:48

for a while. a lot of animal wounds because

20:50

of bacteria and stuff so I can't go...

20:52

work in a kitchen. So I was going to

20:54

go home and do what just sit so no

20:57

I studied and became an EMT instead. Wow

20:59

pivot! And then I worked on

21:01

an ambulance and then I started

21:03

working for Grady. Whoa! Three shifts

21:05

in I met this guy. Meekute!

21:07

Well hold on it is meekie

21:09

but he's a zero killer. Within

21:12

10 minutes he was talking about

21:14

his wife who's awesome and I

21:16

was like okay cool not going

21:18

to happen. And then within three

21:20

hours. He was like, you gotta

21:22

meet my friend Ted. You're

21:24

like the female version of him. I

21:26

was like, no one was a date

21:29

that. And then I met him

21:31

and I was like, I think

21:33

he's really cool. Even though we

21:35

don't have the same exact things

21:37

in common that he thought we get

21:39

along. So now we're married. A

21:41

wonderful you and Ted tied the

21:43

knot. The same partner

21:46

from Grady introduced me to

21:48

my now boss. who completely changed

21:50

my career trajectory. So I'm working

21:52

in local government doing emergency preparedness

21:54

work. This dog bite was the

21:56

best thing that's happened. Oh, that's

21:58

a really positive. Yeah, now I feel

22:01

bad and I guess I owe the pit

22:03

bull. Thank you. Oh, last thing. I

22:05

was told under threat of death

22:07

if I don't call out the

22:09

vortex in Atlanta. Oh. That's the

22:11

restaurant I worked at. I went

22:13

in this morning because I was

22:15

stopping by a couple places in

22:17

Atlanta and Particularly my friend Shannon

22:19

was like if you don't tell

22:21

Dax and Monica that I am

22:23

their number one fan I will Not

22:25

be your friend anymore. What kind of

22:27

cuisine do we have at Vortex

22:29

should we eat? Oh It's kind

22:31

of an institution. Oh, I love a Burg.

22:34

You'll have a sodium headache, but

22:36

it's great. Oh, I'll take it.

22:38

How fun! Well, shout out vortex,

22:40

shout out pit bulls. Shout out

22:42

Grady Hospital. Making dreams

22:44

come true. Shout out, Ted. Yeah, Ted. Way

22:47

to get it, Ted. We love

22:49

this. Congratulations. Yeah, that's

22:51

a great story. Very rarely

22:53

do the animal tech stories

22:55

have a silver lining, and

22:57

this one really does. Take care.

22:59

Hi, is this Brittany? Hi, yes. Oh,

23:02

wonderful. Are you married to Matt?

23:04

I am. This is his account.

23:06

This is his account. He's done

23:08

literally everything for me today.

23:10

Where are you at? I'm in

23:12

Boulder, Colorado. Oh, lovely. Okay, I'm trying

23:14

to think what animal you could have

23:17

been attacked by in Boulder. I guess

23:19

this guy's the limit. You really have

23:21

a lot of stuff, right? You got

23:23

mountain lion and bear. Yep. All

23:25

the good stuff. So, we actually.

23:28

live two doors down from where

23:30

this happened. I have neighbors with

23:32

my parents. So this happened summer

23:34

of 2009. It was the day after

23:37

my mom's birthday and we had all

23:39

gone to sleep. It was like 2

23:41

o'clock in the morning. How old were

23:43

you at the time? I was 17 at the

23:45

time. So it was my last summer before

23:47

senior year. I was over at it already

23:49

and then this happened. I was like, I'm

23:51

out of here and now I'm back. So

23:54

the layout of our house is my dad

23:56

built it and the first floor is the

23:58

main floor so it has a kitchen. and

24:00

there's a room off the side of

24:02

it, and then there's two bedrooms, and

24:04

then he added on to it later,

24:07

and so there's the master bedroom downstairs

24:09

and then another bedroom. My brother got

24:11

the bedroom downstairs. I got the bedroom

24:13

upstairs and then obviously my parents are

24:16

down in the basement. So we had

24:18

a 40 pound Jack Russell Terrier German

24:20

Shepherds make. Super smart, super spunky.

24:22

Too much energy. A lot of energy.

24:24

Yeah. She was graphing at my mom

24:27

in the middle of the night and

24:29

my mom was trying to ignore it

24:31

and still sleep. She would smell stuff

24:33

either from outside or through our swamp

24:35

cooler. She would catch with some stuff

24:38

sometimes. So my mom was just ignoring.

24:40

I'll go check it out. My dad

24:42

is now totally deaf. Back then he

24:44

was very close. So he's dead

24:46

to the world. Has no idea

24:48

anything's going on. But hearing him

24:51

through the trick, so my mom

24:53

headed upstairs. We had this put-out

24:55

window from our living room that

24:57

you could see through into the

24:59

kitchen. And so my mom

25:01

cured through there and there

25:03

was a bear charging at

25:05

her. Oh, in the home. In

25:07

the home. Oh my God. Oh

25:10

boy. And so this little. 40

25:12

pound dog starts to go to take

25:14

care of the bear and my mom

25:16

is hysterically screaming. What color bear?

25:18

We have black bears here so thankfully

25:20

no grizzly. But still it could be

25:22

a three four hundred pound. He had

25:25

actually gotten into my car the same

25:27

week. I had left like this much

25:29

in a Starbucks cup. That was a

25:31

small amount for the person. Yeah, she

25:33

just held up an inch between her

25:35

index and her thumb. Yeah, and I don't

25:37

know how much you know about bears, but

25:39

they are nasty greasy. animals, so he

25:41

left lots of grease all over my car.

25:44

From going through trash and stuff? They

25:46

never wash their hair. They don't like to

25:48

shower. They don't have good hygiene. Stinky,

25:50

greasy, all that good stuff. So my

25:52

mom's screaming bloody murder. She high-tails

25:55

it back into the bathroom that's right

25:57

by my bedroom and is still screaming.

26:00

My mom used to ridicule me of

26:02

like, Brittany, you can't just sleep in

26:04

your underwear, you have to sleep in

26:06

clothes, because what if something terrible happens

26:08

in the middle of the night, you

26:10

need to be ready. Mom, that stuff

26:12

never happens. Yeah, I was weeping out of

26:14

my bunk bed, just in my underwear, eating

26:17

some humble pie, and I like step out

26:19

there, I'm like, what's going on? And she's

26:21

like, there's a bear in the house, and

26:23

then books shit down the stairs, and left

26:26

me. I'm assuming she thought I

26:28

was following her, but the dog

26:30

was still upstairs. The dog was

26:32

going bananas near our kitchen. Now

26:34

hold on, I got a pause to

26:36

just say we just kind of shit

26:38

on dogs for a dog attack story

26:40

a little bit ago. Now this is

26:42

where dogs rock. Dogs will fucking take

26:44

on a bear to protect you. Yeah.

26:46

They rock. My dog would not give

26:49

up. Do I stop trying to cover myself

26:51

up and try and save my dog? Do

26:53

I just high-tail it and hope that she

26:55

makes it? So I free the titties, run

26:57

after, grab the dog by the like chip

27:00

of her tail and like drag her back

27:02

and the bear is still following us at

27:04

this point. Oh my God. Oh my God.

27:06

Pick her up, book it down the stairs

27:08

and we don't know where it is at

27:11

this point. We get down there. My

27:13

brother is also just in his

27:15

underwear, putting his contact lenses.

27:17

Redding himself for battle.

27:19

Speaking of wish, my dad was

27:22

in the process of loading up

27:24

his shotgun. He kept things separately,

27:26

so he wasn't as quick as could be,

27:28

but it was safe. Thank God he

27:30

finally heard. I know, yeah, my mom

27:32

at that point had gotten down there

27:34

and let him know what was going

27:36

on. So he put two rubber pellets

27:38

in the gun and then had a

27:40

regular slug shot ready to go again.

27:43

super death didn't put in his puree

27:45

gaze before he went up there, which

27:47

was a foul choice. And his idea

27:49

was to go up and open one

27:51

of the doors to let the bear

27:53

escape. So he went back up there,

27:55

flipped on a light to open the

27:57

side door, and the bear was charging

27:59

him. Oh my God. So he shot

28:01

the rubber round and it just beyond

28:03

pissed it off and it got

28:05

like really aggressive. And so we're

28:08

downstairs. My mom is rightfully so

28:10

freaking out. I called 911 to

28:12

get them on the phone. So

28:14

I was giving them details while

28:16

they can hear shotgun shells going

28:18

off in the background. And we

28:20

hear shooting and then a scuffle.

28:22

And then we hear another shot

28:24

and then another scuffle. And then

28:26

my dad did his third. real

28:29

round which turned out to be

28:31

another rubber pellet round and he

28:33

grabbed the wrong color. So he had

28:35

no actual real protection. He shot

28:37

it and for some reason that

28:39

three rounds of rubber pellets to

28:42

the face disoriented them

28:44

enough so we all of a sudden

28:46

just hear my dad barreling down the

28:48

stairs and my mom was like open

28:50

the door to my brother so My

28:52

brother let him in really quick and we

28:54

slammed the door shut because we didn't know

28:57

if the bear is going to follow. The

28:59

911 operator told us to go out of

29:01

the house and get in our car and

29:03

wait at the bottom of our driveway for

29:05

the sheriff to come. So we did that

29:07

and the sheriff came and kind of poking

29:09

around asking his questions visibly shaking and he's

29:11

like, I would rather deal with any armed

29:13

criminal. than a bear. They're my biggest

29:15

fear. Oh geez, they sent the wrong guy.

29:18

The only one at that time too.

29:20

So he went up and quickly got

29:22

to action and so we heard another

29:24

couple rounds go off and then more

29:26

sheriff showed up so he had backup

29:29

finally but what happened is he went

29:31

in the house and the bear was

29:33

at the back of that side room

29:36

clawing at a window clearly trying to

29:38

get out. It turned around started to

29:40

charge him. He shot it. And again, I

29:42

don't know how much to know about bears,

29:45

but they have really thick skulls. And so

29:47

it is extremely hard to shoot a bear

29:49

in the head. Yeah, yeah, you can kill

29:51

a bear, but it's going to be

29:53

10 minutes after you shoot it. You

29:55

got to deal with this bear that

29:57

doesn't even fucking feel that it got

29:59

shot. enough to go through the ribs

30:02

or something like that, but if it's

30:04

charging you, you don't have

30:06

that shot. He actually shot the

30:08

bear five times and it did nothing

30:10

but piss it off and it

30:12

continued to charge at it. The

30:14

next sheriff came and had a

30:17

bigger gun and it took actually

30:19

three more rounds from that gun

30:21

to put this bear down. Wow,

30:23

so a bear was killed in your

30:25

living room. The way that he

30:27

was charging, he technically died outside.

30:29

The way he would have wanted

30:32

it. Yes, exactly. Back into the

30:34

wild. He died doing what he

30:36

loved, being outside. We

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are supported by drunk elephant. All

30:46

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30:48

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30:50

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30:52

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30:54

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30:56

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31:00

Silky but not shiny Monica. I

31:02

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find a cafe near you. He

33:01

definitely got vengeance on us

33:03

though, because he smeared his body

33:05

over every surface that was in

33:08

our house So they brought us

33:10

back up. They showed us the

33:12

bear. He was like a two-year-old

33:14

only 120 pound bear She had

33:16

somehow learned that if you push

33:19

on the side of the door

33:21

threshold You can kind of warp it

33:23

enough and that just swung the door

33:25

wide open. Oh my goodness. This is like,

33:27

yeah, you should have been in the circus.

33:29

No kidding. So that's how he got in.

33:32

I was curing a big thing. One of

33:34

the rounds, they shot at him, hit him

33:36

in the forehead and broke his shade off

33:38

and went through one of our windows and

33:41

smashed our windows. We went in the house

33:43

and it was like a massacre. There

33:45

was blood everywhere. And my dad was

33:47

dealing with the sheriff, going over everything.

33:49

insurance agent and claiming this with homeowners

33:52

insurance. He's like, I don't even know

33:54

how to enter this. This is my

33:56

first bear in the house. They told

33:58

us that they would cover everything and

34:01

that they could send a cleaning

34:03

crew up the next day or

34:05

we could do it and we would get a

34:07

check and my mom was like put

34:09

some gloves on and get going.

34:11

We had to buck up and

34:13

get it done and then shortly

34:15

after that for some reason the

34:17

sheriff had to report it nationally.

34:19

They've probably tracked bear attacks around

34:22

the country. Yeah. So then

34:24

that meant that the news crews got

34:26

all of our information so they were

34:28

calling and calling and my dad didn't want

34:31

to do it because we are in Boulder

34:33

and it's a pretty liberal city and he

34:35

was really worried that he's going to be

34:37

tagged as the bear murder. Oh, it's not

34:39

his fault. Oh my God. We kept telling

34:41

him that, we're like, Dad, you literally saved

34:44

our families. You should have let the bear

34:46

eat you. I mean, I know, right? So

34:48

yeah, everyone except for my brother

34:50

got charged by a black bear.

34:52

Wow, that is wild. And the

34:55

dog, he made it. She lived a

34:57

long, happy, healthy life. She was

34:59

never the same after that, always

35:01

on high alert. We called her

35:03

the bear dog after that. She

35:05

lived to tell the tale. Wow.

35:07

I wonder if you didn't have a

35:10

dog in this bear, you know, is

35:12

running around the kitchen, finds a bunch

35:14

of peanut butter and yummy stuff, and

35:16

then just ate 50,000 calories, and then

35:18

just went to sleep. If you guys

35:20

would have woken up and found like

35:22

a snoozing full bear in the living

35:24

room. Do you think the bear would have

35:27

left after it ate its dinner? Why would

35:29

it? It's inside. There's inside. There's a

35:31

couch. to interact with people, right?

35:33

They will if there are people

35:35

there. Right, they tend to avoid people,

35:37

but if there's yummy food and they'll

35:40

eat till they are, you know, nearly.

35:42

Ironically, you ate a ton of crystal

35:44

light of my mom. Oh, he loved

35:46

it with locale. Crystal light was

35:48

exploded everywhere around our kitchen.

35:51

If you've only been eating leaves

35:53

and bark and berries and you

35:55

get your hands as crystal light,

35:57

I can't imagine an explosion of

35:59

flavor. that was. Maybe that's

36:02

just an anton of. Yeah,

36:04

I think maybe if he

36:06

hadn't gotten into that he

36:08

might have been more docile.

36:10

This is why Monica doesn't

36:12

live in Boulder. Well I

36:15

was about to say people

36:17

are scared of LA because

36:19

of the fires and they're

36:21

like I'm gonna move. Everywhere

36:24

has something is gonna get

36:26

you. We have bears and fires.

36:29

Well Brittany wow what a thrilling

36:31

story what a thing to a

36:33

witness thanks for telling us that

36:35

was Harry and heroin yes and

36:38

if I can quickly shout out

36:40

my friend Nicole she is my

36:42

beloved boss shout out to Nicole

36:44

thanks for being a great boss

36:46

all right take care That is

36:48

a weird sin because the other day we

36:51

had an earthquake. Yeah, we haven't even talked

36:53

about it. You were in your bedroom? Yeah,

36:55

I was in my bed. The earthquake happened

36:57

and I was just wearing underwear and I

36:59

was like, I'm putting pants on. If there's

37:02

gonna be more tonight and I gotta like

37:04

run outside or something, I can't be in

37:06

my undies. I was in the basement watching

37:08

a guest movie and the whole house started

37:11

shaking above me above me and I was

37:13

like. Oh my god, the house is going

37:15

to fucking collapse on me. I do not

37:17

want to be in this basement right now.

37:20

I want to fall down on shit.

37:22

Okay, so every time there's a

37:24

little earthquake, I think, I need to

37:26

double check again about what you're supposed

37:28

to do. Go on a door frame.

37:31

I know it's the door frame, but

37:33

being on the first floor, I'm like,

37:35

is that going to do anything? The

37:37

whole thing is like, really? Go

37:39

outside, right? Game Day decision. Is it

37:41

more dangerous? I mean, ideally, yes, being away

37:43

from the falling buildings is the best. But

37:45

if you think you're going to be midrun

37:48

when the building falls down, you could have

37:50

stood in a doorway, which will protect you.

37:52

Get on a boat if you can. Yeah,

37:54

you want to get on a boat as

37:56

quick as possible. And wait for the tsunami

37:58

to take you. Oh God. Okay, last

38:00

one. Wobby Wob is calling.

38:03

Hey guys. Tells about the time

38:05

you were attacked, Rob. Rob never

38:07

told us he was attacked

38:09

by a lion. Hello. Is this

38:11

Rob? It sure is. You have

38:13

half of a moose rack behind

38:15

you. So this promises to be.

38:17

Yeah, maybe. I have so many

38:19

moose. things because of this attack.

38:22

Everybody says something from a moose.

38:24

Oh my God. Okay, I don't

38:26

think we've heard a moose story.

38:28

We're excited. Yeah, wow. Well,

38:30

first of all, Rob, where are

38:32

you? Sellersville, Pennsylvania, Bucks County. Okay,

38:35

Bucks County, that's on brand. And

38:37

I used to travel to

38:39

Alaska. every winter with our sled dogs.

38:41

I did that for 20 winners. Oh

38:43

my god, you're anoronda, what is it

38:45

called? I did a rod. I did

38:47

a rod. No, the I did a

38:49

rod is a distance race where they

38:51

go about five to seven miles an

38:53

hour. We do sprint mushing, so our average

38:55

speed is over 20 miles an hour.

38:57

Wow. And the advantages, it's only 10

39:00

to 20 miles, so I get to

39:02

sleep in a warm bed at night,

39:04

as do my dogs. Oh, wonderful,

39:06

wonderful, wonderful. Really quick, how do

39:08

you travel up to Alaska with

39:10

that many dogs with a truck

39:12

and trailer? Yeah, big truck. I

39:14

got to be let out about

39:17

six times a day. It's about

39:19

eight to ten day drive and

39:21

we do it in the winter.

39:23

We go up around Thanksgiving and

39:25

come home around Easter. Wow. Oh

39:27

my goodness. Boy, you got to

39:29

be into it, man. That's a

39:31

lot of commitment. I look back

39:33

on it now and I wonder what

39:36

was I thinking. But if you travel

39:38

out to the parks out west, they

39:40

will tell you the single most dangerous

39:42

animal you'll see out here isn't a

39:44

grizzly bear. It isn't a timber wolf. It's

39:46

a cow moose with a calf. And so

39:48

in Alaska, it's always a concern because if

39:51

you run into one with a calf, I've

39:53

had friends that have had dogs that were

39:55

stomped and killed. Typical in the winter, a

39:57

moose eats about 40 pounds of wood. a

40:00

day, which fills a 55 gallon

40:02

trash can. Oh my God. Yeah.

40:04

And on cold winters, of course

40:06

the color needs are up, so they

40:08

eat even more, so they tend

40:11

to be more irritable and a

40:13

little more aggressive. So it adds a

40:15

whole new layer to the word. Hangry.

40:17

Yeah. We should add too, right? Moose

40:19

have terrible eyesight. Isn't that part of

40:21

the reason they're aggressive? They don't see

40:23

you and then all of a sudden

40:25

they see you and it's a little

40:27

shocking to them. But they don't necessarily

40:30

want to get out of the way

40:32

because there are six foot at the

40:34

shoulder and they weigh about 1400 pounds.

40:36

Yeah, there's males they've shot that are

40:38

2,000 pounds. So when I'm out with

40:40

a sled dog team, you don't have

40:42

reins on them. So your leaders are

40:44

your steering wheel and your lead dogs

40:47

might be between 40 and 70 feet

40:49

in front of you, depending on

40:51

how big a team you're driving. So they

40:53

don't always see what you see. And

40:55

so on this particular training

40:57

run, I was out several miles from

40:59

our cabin and I went to make

41:01

a right hand turn into the bush

41:03

to go around a big loop. And

41:05

as I told him to turn right,

41:08

the leaders backed off like they saw

41:10

something. I thought it was a squirrel

41:12

or a rabbit. And then we turned

41:14

behind and went around this big

41:16

looper about 300 yards back in the

41:18

bush. I come around to bend and

41:20

it wasn't a rabbit or a squirrel.

41:22

It was a cow moose for the

41:25

calf. Oh, yeah. I don't blame the

41:27

moose because think about what she's thinking.

41:29

We went by her once. Now we're

41:31

turning around, she sees as aggression. So

41:33

I slam on the brakes. I have to

41:35

make a split-second decision. I'm a

41:37

dog lover. I've been in dogs

41:39

my entire life. I started screaming,

41:42

waving my arms, trying to make

41:44

myself big, hoping that she would

41:46

leave the dogs alone and maybe wander

41:49

off. But she did something that nobody

41:51

expected, and certainly I didn't. She ignored

41:53

the dog team and comes charging at

41:55

me. So she leaves the dog team

41:58

right next to her calf. out of

42:00

there, I let go of the dog team,

42:02

told them to go home. And they take

42:04

off and they're like, see ya. Oh God.

42:06

And I stupidly thought I could get to

42:08

a birch tree behind me, climb the birch

42:10

tree. Once the moose calmed down, then

42:12

I could walk those miles back to the

42:15

cabin. Bad idea. Yeah, not a great game

42:17

plan, but I understand you're under a lot

42:19

of duress. Yeah. And aren't these dogs protective

42:21

of you? Weren't they inclined to go after

42:24

the moose? They were very afraid of the

42:26

moose. They just sort of laid down. When

42:28

I let them go, they're saying, I

42:30

agree, let's go. Yeah, let's get the

42:32

fuck away. Luckily for me, it turned

42:34

out that the snow is pretty deep.

42:36

I didn't get halfway to the birch

42:38

tree and the moose ran me. Oh

42:41

my god. I fell down in the

42:43

snow and the last thing I remember

42:45

was her hooves pounded on my chest.

42:47

Oh my god. So she knocked me

42:49

unconscious and left me for dead. I

42:51

laid there, it was 20 below which

42:53

is another problem. Oh boy. And we

42:55

figured based on time frame I was

42:57

unconscious for about 30 minutes, which as

42:59

you can imagine is really dangerous.

43:02

When I came to, I honestly

43:04

did know. where I was or what

43:06

happened, and then I started to

43:08

realize that I'd been stomped. So

43:10

my next thought is she's still

43:12

here. I literally laid there, just

43:14

rolled my eyes to see if I could see

43:16

her, and she was gone, and I

43:19

tried to move, and the pain

43:21

was excruciating. It turned out. She

43:23

had broken all my ribs. She

43:25

tore the cartilage in my sternum.

43:27

She fractured my elbow. In fact,

43:29

I still have a steel bolt

43:31

and wire that reminds me every day

43:33

of this. But the real problem was

43:35

I couldn't breathe, and now I realize

43:37

there's no way I can make my

43:40

way back to the cabin. So my

43:42

right hand was swollen like a boxer's

43:44

blood. the surgeon figured I was trying

43:46

to block her blows right but you

43:48

know these wildlife biologists tell you if

43:50

you ever attacked my wild animal that

43:53

just played dead trust me they'd never

43:55

been attacked it's humanly impossible not to

43:57

defend yourself yeah the only part of

43:59

me that was exposed was my left

44:01

hand, because what saved me was is

44:04

she's pounding me the snow so deep.

44:06

She's actually pushing me down in the

44:08

snow. It was absorbing some of that

44:10

impact. So like an old native told

44:12

me, if she would have caught you

44:15

on the hard packed trail, she'd have

44:17

ripped you to shreds. But now I realize

44:19

the only chance I had to get

44:21

back to the cabin was the dog

44:23

team, because I realize I can't walk

44:26

back with these injuries. The other thing

44:28

is that I'm hypothermic. So when you

44:30

become hypothermic, your body temperature gets so

44:32

low, you get really sleepy. And that's

44:34

how people die from hypothermia. I lay

44:36

there and I really just wanted to

44:39

go to sleep and I realize that

44:41

if I do this, I'll never wake

44:43

up. The problem was my dog team's

44:45

heading back to the cabin, but my

44:47

family is still in Bucks County. They

44:50

won't arrive for another... two weeks, right?

44:52

So nobody's gonna know that I'm missing.

44:54

My wife and I try and talk

44:56

every day, but you know, four hour

44:59

time change. So she wouldn't even worry

45:01

about it till the next day. Now

45:03

I realize I'm in deep trouble and

45:06

I'm starting to fall asleep and

45:08

I think I gotta make it back

45:10

to the main trail. It was about

45:12

300 yards because if I die here,

45:14

which I knew I was gonna die,

45:16

it'll be... maybe two weeks before they

45:18

find my body. If I can make

45:21

it out to the main trail and

45:23

die there, a snowmobile or a trap

45:25

or another dog team, they'll find my

45:27

body. So I focused on my

45:29

wife and kids and just started

45:31

crawling back out to the main

45:34

trails. I cover that 300 yards.

45:36

Miracle, I don't know how it

45:38

happened, but there was the dog team.

45:40

It turned out when the dog team

45:42

turned back onto the main trail, the

45:44

sled tipped tipped over. We have in the

45:46

sled what's called a snow hook. It's like

45:49

a boat anchor. That fell out and caught

45:51

in the snow and held the dog

45:53

team there. Oh my God. This is

45:55

like so often it's like the worst

45:58

luck on earth happened simultaneously to them.

46:00

possibly good luck. I make my way

46:02

back I stand up the sled. The dogs

46:04

are perfectly quiet. They're scared. But now they

46:06

see me. So they went from being scared

46:09

to I'm there. Okay, let's go. Let's get

46:11

out of here. So I stand up the

46:13

sled. I kicked the snow hook loose with

46:15

my foot because I have no use of

46:17

this arm. It turned out the two bones

46:19

of my elbow were an inch and a

46:22

half apart, which I didn't even think was

46:24

possible. I get back on the sled. They

46:26

start taking me back to the back to

46:28

the cat. I don't even remember much about

46:30

the trip other than every once while they'd

46:33

hit a bump. And you can imagine the

46:35

pain. I was in and out of

46:37

consciousness. And then trying to go around

46:39

these curves at 20 plus miles an hour

46:41

with one arm. They bring me all the

46:43

way back to the cabin. I stagger into

46:46

the cabin and I picked up the phone

46:48

and I called a friend. All he heard

46:50

was that I've been stomped and the phone

46:52

man did. And he rushed over. He

46:54

helped me out to the truck. and they

46:56

hauled me 50 miles to the hospital

46:59

where they started to do surgery. So

47:01

the dogs literally saved my life. And

47:03

so I'm in passion to them for

47:06

sure. But an interesting

47:08

thing happened after I get out

47:10

of the hospital, I find out

47:12

that that actually wasn't my first

47:14

call. My first call was to my neighbor

47:16

who lived across a sloop in a cabin,

47:18

and I asked her to come over and

47:21

take care of the dogs. Oh, wow. Rob,

47:23

this will seem off topic, but. What on

47:25

earth did you do for a living that

47:27

you could leave at Thanksgiving and come home

47:29

in Easter? I'm a little hung up on

47:31

how the fuck you made all this work.

47:33

It's all about the dogs. I went to

47:35

college. Northern Minnesota, I was born to death,

47:37

I went to the sled dog race, I

47:40

thought, wow, this is really cool. And so

47:42

I started to rescue sled dogs, dogs

47:44

that nobody wanted, started training them, and

47:46

then I started beat some of the

47:48

people that had given me, including one

47:50

guy who refused to believe it was

47:52

the same dog. Right, right, right. Well,

47:54

one day, one of the dogs couldn't

47:56

get out of her dog house because she

47:58

was paralyzed, rushed her to the... and they determined

48:01

she was salinium deficient. So I changed

48:03

her diet. Not only did she get

48:05

better, but the whole dog team performed

48:08

better. It changed my life. I decided

48:10

this is what I'm gonna do the

48:12

rest of my life. I'm gonna study

48:15

nutrition. So I changed my major, went

48:17

to Ohio State when I'm originally from

48:19

Ohio, studied nutrition, and then from there

48:21

was invited to be a grad

48:24

student at Penn at the vet

48:26

school, studied nutrition for seven years.

48:28

So I published work. that have helped

48:30

define how working dogs should be

48:32

fed. And I started a pet

48:34

food company. Oh my God. So

48:36

I'm a canine nutritionist and I

48:38

design diets for dogs and cats.

48:40

Now you can buy our food

48:42

in 18 different countries. So cool.

48:44

Wow. So yeah, I guess that's

48:46

in keeping if you're disappearing for

48:48

several months. Yeah, it's part of

48:50

the job. Well, you know what?

48:52

People didn't realize it. whether I

48:54

was in Pennsylvania or Alaska, we

48:56

actually formulated some of the diets in a

48:59

little cabin with no running water in the

49:01

interior of Alaska. We're testing them on our

49:03

dogs, so there's no better way to find

49:05

out how good a food is. than on

49:07

a performance animal. Wow, Rob, that's a

49:09

crazy story. Last question, it's unrelated. Are

49:11

you a listener? Do you have like

49:14

a daughter or somebody who said, dad,

49:16

you got a call? A god and

49:18

law who's sitting here is the one

49:20

that turned me on to you. And

49:22

I told her she should come and

49:24

say hello. Yeah, we would love to

49:26

meet her. Come on, Madison. Hi. Hi.

49:28

You turned your father-in-law onto the show?

49:30

Yeah, I said, I don't have

49:32

a good enough story, but I

49:34

know someone. This sometimes happens.

49:37

That is a good enough story.

49:39

I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah.

49:41

It's going up there with the

49:44

grizzly mare and the shark. Incredible.

49:46

Oh, man. Well, Madison, so nice

49:48

meeting you, Rob. Thank you for

49:51

telling that. I will be a

49:53

listener now. Okay, good. We'd love

49:55

to have you. Wow, so people send him moose

49:57

stuff because he had a big half of a moose.

50:00

antler. It's kind of throwing it in

50:02

your face. Yeah, it's a little bit like

50:04

I don't know if I'd want to see

50:06

Moose stuff around me all the time.

50:08

He's taking it in stride. That is

50:10

scary. But I've been around Moose. Well

50:13

I saw an enormous one in Alaska

50:15

on a trip to Alaska, Alaska, but

50:17

I have seen them in Jackson Hole

50:19

a bunch. And they're so fucking big.

50:22

I just can't imagine laying on your

50:24

back and looking up at one. That

50:26

would be insane. Well, you know,

50:28

Tom Hansen almost died in front

50:30

of my eyes. From a moose?

50:32

Yes. Oh, so I'm at Tom

50:34

Hansen's house. I think we had

50:36

taken the dogs in the backyard.

50:38

That's why we were outside, but

50:40

it was nighttime. And he was

50:42

standing with his back to the

50:44

lake that's in the backyard. And

50:46

Monica, for real, there was only

50:48

20 feet between Tom Hansen's back

50:50

and the lake. and we're just

50:52

chatting and all of a sudden

50:54

I hear stomping and then this

50:57

fucking bull moose that's running

50:59

full-till crosses frame behind Tommy

51:01

Hudson in this 25th gap

51:03

it's running as fast as

51:05

it could and it's an

51:07

1,000 pound moose. And it

51:09

like blows by and Tom

51:11

spins around and says, oh

51:13

my god, I'm like, oh

51:15

my god, dude, a fucking

51:18

moose just wiped frame. If

51:20

you were seeing four feet

51:22

back, you'd have been plastered.

51:24

Goes wild. Scary. We're just

51:26

little humans. We're pretty defenseless

51:28

against our moose. Oh, all

51:31

right, well, animal attacks, that

51:33

works, that's the keeper. Yeah, we

51:35

like it. We like it. All right, love

51:37

you, love you. We

51:41

don't have a thing so

51:43

for this new show so

51:45

here I go go go

51:47

We're gonna ask some random

51:50

questions and with the help

51:52

of our Jerry's book and

51:54

some suggestions On the fly

51:56

rhyme dish on the fly

51:59

rhyme dish Follow

52:03

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