0:01

Hello and welcome to ATM at

0:03

this moment with me. Oh, let me

0:05

start again. We're off to a fly.

0:07

And welcome to at this moment,

0:10

ATM with Me, Jim Jeffries, and

0:12

Amos Guild. This is our first

0:14

episode. Hello, Amos. Hello, Amos. Hello,

0:16

mate. And as everyone who on Facebook

0:18

saw, it was very funny to point

0:20

out. It's asked them out. We didn't

0:23

know. We didn't know. We didn't know.

0:25

I thought we were going to keep

0:27

that secret the whole time, but it

0:29

lasted seconds. Isn't there egg on our

0:31

face? It turns out that there's a

0:33

porn search called Ask to Mouth. We

0:36

were illuminated by it. Yeah, yeah. And

0:38

we're rethinking the whole thing. So good on

0:40

you guys for finding that. I thought

0:42

it was a money machine. Which this

0:44

podcast will not be. So at this

0:46

moment. The podcast is at this moment

0:49

in my house. And we're going to

0:51

talk about what happens in our private

0:53

life. So what's happening globally this week

0:55

is there's been bushfires all across

0:57

Los Angeles where we live. This

0:59

is where the podcast was sort

1:02

of born, rising out of the

1:04

ashes of this fire. I had

1:06

a pretty horrific time. You know,

1:08

the fire started and you

1:10

first of all, you left Glendale,

1:12

didn't you Jack? And then I thought,

1:14

oh geez, Jack's evacuating. Then I came,

1:17

we had an arson burn two houses

1:19

down over there. You had arsonists here. Yeah,

1:21

we'd arsonists. They're everywhere. But for people that

1:23

don't know this, I don't know how the

1:25

original fire started, but there's a lot of... meth

1:28

had homeless people with gas canisters wandering around LA setting fire things. A

1:30

lot of time it is the homeless just trying to cook in their

1:32

little cardboard boxes and stuff like that. That's how some of the fires

1:34

have started. I've been told I've never been invited to a homeless dinner

1:36

party but that's what people reckon. What do you think they're doing? A

1:38

puree salmon and they're doing blow torch? It could be the glass barbecue,

1:40

it could be... I'm going to blame it on the glass barber. They

1:42

could have. They could have a tep and a tep and a tep

1:44

and a tep and a tep and a tep and a tep and

1:46

a tep and a tep and a tep and a tep and a

1:48

tep and a tep and a tep and a tep and a tep

1:50

and a tep and a tep and a tep and a tep and

1:52

a tep and a tep and a tep and a tep and a

1:54

tep and a tep and a tep Anyway, so a lot of the

1:56

homeless start the fire then if you have never been to

1:58

LA. There's a lot of homeless people

2:00

but a lot more now yes oh

2:02

golly yeah geez controversial hey any the

2:04

young man tell everyone you joke you

2:07

made tell everyone the joke that you

2:09

made the next time on stage we

2:11

evacuate and then the the day of

2:13

the fire went to the comedy magic

2:15

club in homosa beach and my joke

2:17

was the LA fire department chief said

2:19

she wanted more diversity that was

2:21

her mission was for more diversity

2:24

and I said well you got to

2:26

give credit where credit is due the

2:28

palisades has never been this black so

2:30

she's very good It's a good joke.

2:32

She's followed through. But it's too soon.

2:35

Hurtful. Hurtful to a lot of people

2:37

who already lost their homes. Let me

2:39

caveat that. The Palisades people, I don't

2:41

feel as bad for. Obviously it's sad,

2:43

it's horrible. These people are doing very

2:46

well. The outer denifiers, that's how you

2:48

know where you're at in life. You've

2:50

got more friends. You've got friends in

2:52

the Palisades. My friends all live out

2:54

in the poor fires, which are not

2:56

in the news. I don't discriminate against

2:58

people being burnt. I don't mean the ones

3:01

that are dead. Let's not pull the rip

3:03

cord on me this early in the show.

3:05

I tell you to joke that I met.

3:07

I walked down stage to a half sold

3:10

theatre in Pittsburgh. Already funny. Yeah, already funny.

3:12

Right? Three thousand cedar and I sold about

3:14

1800 or something. Is that where I get

3:16

you in your career when you can't even

3:19

sell any more? I said if I sold

3:21

this theatre out and I was more successful.

3:23

I would have bought a house of the

3:25

Palisades and lost everything by now. Right? See, that's

3:28

a lot fun. Because I'm making fun of

3:30

myself, a poking fun at myself, not at minorities

3:32

and people who have lost their houses. Oh,

3:34

I had to, listen, I live in the

3:36

Santa Monica area. I got a message to evacuate

3:38

because my girlfriend has asthma. And we didn't

3:40

know where to go, we had to leave. Wait

3:42

a minute, wait a minute, why did you

3:44

get a message because you had asthma? No,

3:46

we got a message on our phone that said,

3:49

if you've got breathing problems, you need to

3:51

get out now because the particulates

3:53

in the air are bad. And so my girlfriend

3:55

said, we need to leave somewhere, where can we

3:57

go? And I didn't want to pay for anything.

3:59

So I called you and you have a place in

4:02

Palm Springs. I'd already escaped, I'd already escaped

4:04

with my family to Palm Springs. When the

4:06

fire started in Studio City, which were put

4:08

out in like a matter of hours, right?

4:10

I went, all right, the whole city's going

4:12

down. And I said to my family, it's

4:14

time to go like this, right? And so

4:16

I sent my son up there, as I

4:18

said, get a couple of things, and I

4:20

told my wife to get a couple of

4:22

things. And what we got was a few

4:24

little. valuables and some paperwork and then I

4:26

looked at the house and I don't know

4:28

if I'd felt this light in my life

4:30

like I was like you'd like the the

4:32

merry condo element oh let the rest

4:35

of it burn I got my car

4:37

with my and then I had to

4:39

get my cats right so we have

4:41

three cats right which by the way

4:43

I want to say Jim did a

4:46

post on Facebook lost Lost subscribers. I

4:48

lost followers on Facebook on Instagram because

4:50

I posted me with cats. People hate

4:52

men with cats. My wife is more

4:54

a cat person than I am, but

4:57

I'm an animal person. I like animals.

4:59

You'd never see me being mean to

5:01

an animal. I like animals, except for

5:03

the ones I eat. But I still

5:06

want them to be treated humanely and

5:08

stuff like that. But so we didn't

5:10

have the cat boxes. We had to...

5:12

physically pick up the cats throw them

5:15

inside the Tesla which is hard with

5:17

those gull wing doors because they take

5:19

so long to shut like in a

5:21

normal car you just crack it open

5:24

a little bit and shove a cat

5:26

in and then shut it right this

5:28

one it was like hurting cats right

5:30

I had bloody cats it's because the

5:32

Tesla now is a car for conservatives

5:34

and they're not cat people so they

5:36

don't want you fucking pussies this is

5:38

the other thing with me so I was

5:40

this was the most this was the most

5:43

divisive tweet cats because a lot of lefties

5:45

are into cats right and they hate and

5:47

they hate Tesla right I like the cats

5:49

I hate the car that's what people are

5:52

right so I get in the I get

5:54

in the car I get the three cats

5:56

and I get my two boys my wife

5:58

my ex is up the road who's Hank's

6:01

mother and she's going to drive the

6:03

Palm Springs and off we go. We

6:05

escape, we get down there and then

6:07

Amos, you came and joined us but

6:09

before that I was driving along in

6:11

autopilot with like literally a cat just

6:13

sitting on the dashboard just hissing at

6:15

me just like freaking the fuck out

6:18

that it was being driven. On the

6:20

way back the cats were completely chill

6:22

I think I could plausibly just drive

6:24

around when my cats on a regular

6:26

basis now I think I've trained them

6:28

up. What's wrong with having three cats? There's

6:30

people who've taken four planes. Your audience can't accept

6:32

that you have cats at your house yet learn

6:35

that you travel with cats. I would have a

6:37

dog, I would have a dog if I didn't

6:39

leave such a busy lifestyle. I'm not home enough

6:41

for a dog. I'm not home enough for a dog. I'm

6:43

not home enough to walk it. Cats, you can just say,

6:45

I can just send Jack over to feed a feed a

6:47

cat. They don't care. They don't even miss you miss you.

6:49

But can't even miss you. But can't even miss you. But

6:51

can I don't even miss you. But can I don't even

6:54

miss you. Can I don't even miss you. that your

6:56

audience was genuinely fucked off to

6:58

see you have, because I'll be

7:00

honest, you had like, you had

7:02

like this light colored hat that

7:04

you're wearing there and some glasses

7:06

and cats and I was like,

7:08

it is a different, you are

7:10

a different guide to the alcoholic

7:12

degenerate from the early work. I

7:14

couldn't have seen that guy traveling

7:17

around doing coke with cats. He's

7:19

one of me child, children in

7:21

the background. He's all right. He

7:23

had cats. He had lots of

7:25

cats. And AIDS. Yeah, exactly. And

7:27

he did some really freaky things.

7:29

If the stories are true, there

7:32

was meant to be midgets on

7:34

all fours with bloody glass, like

7:36

cocaine mirrors on their backs at

7:38

his parties. That's what I've been

7:40

told. And that guy was a

7:42

cat guy? Your audience is saying,

7:45

Jim, you've got cats, you're gay,

7:47

and your defense is, well, Freddie

7:49

Mercury, Adam. You've got them. Freddie,

7:51

buddy, buddy, out of moustache

7:53

and everything. Yeah, one of whose name's a Freddie

7:55

Mercury. Jim was nice enough too. This is what happened.

7:58

He said, hey, look, we've got to Palm Springs. get

8:00

out of there. You don't need to stay down there.

8:02

And I said, no, we're

8:04

good because we were going to go

8:06

to Hawaii. We were looking for flights

8:08

to Hawaii. And it was too expensive. So

8:10

then the next day, I said, Oh, actually,

8:12

we might, you know, we might come down

8:14

and I, you know, you got to grab

8:16

your valuables because my girlfriend's a panic merchant.

8:18

And so she was, we have to leave.

8:20

We have to leave. So I brought, I

8:22

brought my golf bag. And we were driving

8:24

down to Palm Springs and my dad called

8:26

and you know what Australian dads are like,

8:28

already everyone in Australia or my family are

8:30

like, what are you bloody? What do you

8:32

live there? You get shot by some bloody

8:34

idiot. And you got, you know,

8:36

Trumpy and you've got, you know, fires move

8:38

home. And dad said he's watching the news

8:40

and the Australian news made it seem like,

8:43

you know, we're all burning alive here. Well,

8:45

it was the worst fire in LA history.

8:47

Okay, first of all, we have to do

8:49

the obligatory thank you for all the firefighters

8:51

and thank you for all the people who

8:53

are the second responders, the people who are

8:55

clearing away debris and stuff like that. That's

8:57

important because these fires bring out the best

8:59

and the worst in people. You get the

9:02

people who volunteer and then you get the

9:04

people who fucking loot those cunts. And

9:06

thank you to the workers at Nobu who did not take

9:09

a day off. They were, they survived.

9:12

Nobu Malibu was still there. Yeah, of

9:14

course. And there's a conspiracy theory around

9:16

that is that Nobu paid people off. But

9:18

Geffen's $83 million house got burnt down.

9:20

He would have paid people off. You reckon

9:22

Nobu's like right in with the fucking

9:25

fire people that his place gets protected first.

9:27

So house also survived, which is very

9:29

important to the culture here. Yeah, well, that

9:31

does destroy the argument of a lot

9:33

of, because a lot of the states in

9:35

America, I've been, there's a lot of

9:37

negativity to LA. Yes, where they're like you,

9:40

your gay demons, you know, kitty

9:42

fiddlers and so God has punished. They don't

9:44

like that we do all those things. They're

9:48

disagreeable to that. And you've got us

9:50

on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have

9:52

a different lifestyle here. You

9:55

know, the movies here are not all.

9:57

I could go and adrenal gland right

9:59

now. Well that unfortunately, yeah.

10:01

Could you imagine that of then

10:03

that would have gone up in

10:05

freezes? Unbelievably, nothing. Nothing burns like

10:08

adrenochrome. It's just freezes those things.

10:10

You're going to lose some valuable

10:12

bits of artwork, some million dollar

10:15

baseball cards and some adrenal glands.

10:17

That's what, and Mel Gibson's all

10:19

his stuff. Mel Gibson lost all

10:21

the brave heart stuff. But he can

10:23

still find the tapes of him saying the

10:26

n-word. So, so... Who knows what was in

10:28

there? Yeah, nothing could burn. Mel Gibson was

10:30

super chill about it because he was like,

10:32

there's a lot of cancelable tapes up there

10:35

somewhere. A lot of blackmail lost up in

10:37

the palisades. No, but I was driving up

10:39

there and my dad Courtney goes, you know,

10:42

like, are you alright? You're safe, he goes,

10:44

it feels like, you know, you're in a

10:46

war zone. And when you escape with golf

10:48

clubs, it isn't that bad. No. Because I've

10:50

seen a lot of trauma in the Middle

10:53

East and very few of them, you know, going

10:55

to a Red Cross tent with a

10:57

pickleball bat. Palm Springs restaurants were

10:59

all filled with people that. Palm

11:01

Springs restaurants were all filled with

11:03

people that had just lost their

11:05

house that day. Well, we have Mexican.

11:07

All the palisades people just went down

11:10

to the desert to play around the golf.

11:12

We couldn't get a tea time. Yeah. So

11:14

that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying.

11:16

you know one of many homes and they

11:18

were okay they're in Palm Springs. Oh look

11:20

it's going to be hard to get insurance

11:23

moving forward but as you said people don't

11:25

really like us and it's in it's sort

11:27

of it's the same as Luigi or that

11:29

type of stuff like people people are rejoicing

11:31

in mayhem at the moment. Well if I was

11:34

the CEO of an insurance company yes

11:36

because you know they're not paying out.

11:38

What do you mean they're not paying out? Well

11:40

they actually pulled out like state farm and

11:42

farmers no longer offer insurance to people in

11:45

those areas because they're like it keeps burning

11:47

stop going there we're not going to give

11:49

you... Well this is the thing I reckon

11:51

pick your poison against earthquakes versus fire right

11:53

because a house in Australia made out of

11:55

brick takes an hour and a half to

11:58

burn down in intense heat these houses... in

12:00

California take 15 minutes, right? Because

12:02

it's all made of wood. This

12:04

pluckin place is made out of

12:06

fucking cardboard. Right? You could poke

12:08

your finger through the wall, right?

12:10

Like this thing would go up

12:12

in seconds. If you could like

12:14

this light with a sparkler, right?

12:16

Right? And someone will try. Keep

12:18

a look at it. So I

12:20

reckon, in the time I've been

12:22

here, in the 1516, 17 years

12:24

have been here, I... I've experienced

12:26

more pushfires than I have earthquakes and the

12:29

earthquakes have always been a bit of fun.

12:31

Your house just wobbles a bit and then you

12:33

move on with your day but maybe it would all

12:35

fall down if it was brick but how big

12:37

does it have to be? I don't know. Why

12:39

don't we under your logic there are saying

12:41

that the bricks take the heat? Why don't

12:43

we build houses? Well the chimneys are all

12:45

still standing in the palisades. I know that.

12:47

The chimneys and the safes. But let's. But

12:49

let's be logical. We should make it out

12:51

of the same material. We should make it.

12:53

What about make it out of... Make

12:56

it out of pizza oven. You open

12:58

it up, it's like a fucking, it's

13:00

like a Barbie house where you can

13:03

see all the different levels. You've seen

13:05

those pizza ovens at the Italians have

13:07

like forests used to have on these

13:09

outside. Just sort of big pizza oven

13:12

domes, because they're fire retardant. No, but

13:14

that's concrete. It can still crack

13:16

and some stuff. I'm down with the steel

13:18

idea. A big safe or tense. Yeah, well,

13:20

tensor, listen, the homeless people that are

13:23

sleeping, tens have the right idea. You

13:25

move. You're transient. You were sleeping in

13:27

Malibu on the beach, and then you just

13:29

had to move down to Venice, and you're

13:31

good again. Every time I go to the

13:33

homeless, you're not, you don't like the

13:35

homeless. Yeah, you pick on the homeless.

13:38

I'm saying the homeless are smart. No,

13:40

you mean spirited about the homeless and

13:42

the minority. If you send 20 million

13:45

on a home. Yeah, how do you

13:47

feel about lesbian firemen? How do you

13:49

feel about lesbian firemen? I'm glad you

13:51

brought that up Jim because there's been

13:54

some problems with these lesbian firefighters. Teing

13:56

me up as always. Now Jack can

13:58

I play some... I got to put

14:00

my mic to this. Obviously, I watch more

14:03

conservative news than you, Jim. That will be

14:05

somewhat of the dynamic here. No, I saw

14:07

this news story as well. This is

14:09

bad. I was going in between the two

14:12

stations. You listen to CNN, they were saying,

14:14

it's global warming, and you listen to

14:16

Fox, they said, it's Gavin Newsom, and the

14:18

truth is, somewhere in the middle. The government

14:20

didn't do enough, and there is global

14:22

warming. Why can't it be both? I know,

14:25

but no network was saying it's both. I

14:27

believe it was both. I want a

14:29

network in the middle. And that's where you

14:31

and I live. I just flicked back

14:33

and forth. When I get too depressed, I

14:36

flicked the other one and then I get

14:38

too happy and I flicked back and

14:40

forth. Okay, so I'm going to play you

14:42

a clip. Because this is just, to me,

14:45

all politics aside. And most of my

14:47

news I watch is on airplanes. I watch

14:49

seen in a Fox and airplanes for five

14:51

hour. and it is kind of insane.

14:53

Her clip came out which excited the other

14:55

fire chief because the long lesbians. All right

14:58

so she was asked what her mission

15:00

was and what and why there should be

15:02

more diversity in the fire crews and this

15:04

is this is the clip. You want

15:06

to see somebody that responds to your house,

15:09

your emergency, whether it's a medical call or

15:11

a fire call, that looks like you.

15:13

It gives that person a little bit. No,

15:15

you don't. No, no, you don't want someone

15:17

who... Well, I do. I want a

15:19

six foot tall man. Not you, though. No,

15:22

not me. Look at those little hands.

15:24

I don't want them that looks like me.

15:26

No, all hunched over. But, when people say,

15:28

why do you, why do you, you,

15:30

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

15:33

you know, you, you, you know, you, you

15:35

know, like, like, like, like, like, like,

15:37

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

15:39

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

15:41

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

15:43

like, Who gives a fuck what anyone looks

15:46

like? Are you strong and brave and giving

15:48

me a fireman? No one, there's not

15:50

one black person that goes, oh, it's a

15:52

white firefighter who's putting the fire out of

15:55

my house. If anything, they'd be done

15:57

for the black face with all the soot

15:59

and whatnot. from a firefighter is... Am I

16:01

alright? Is anyone? Ted Dansen. Ted

16:03

Dansen. Everyone Google Ted Dansen Blackface.

16:05

Which brings me to, I'm recording

16:07

a new special, come and see

16:09

me at the Vic Theatre in

16:11

Chicago coming up. But this woman who

16:14

says you want somebody looks like you,

16:16

I mean this is the sort of

16:18

modern racism that we have where it's

16:20

the equivalent of an old white person

16:22

at a nursing home saying I don't

16:25

want an Asian nurse, they hurt me

16:27

in my sleep. That's just racism. Okay,

16:29

the problem with her theory is flawed

16:31

because you don't know who's going to

16:34

knock on the door. Like 911 doesn't

16:36

go to you and what ethnicity is

16:38

you? All right, we'll be sending a

16:41

trans-Mexican to you as we speak. I

16:43

have to. Excuse me, there is a

16:45

man trying to break into my house.

16:47

Is that Ecuadorian? Where are you

16:49

at? I'm trying to pick up

16:52

the accent. We don't have many

16:54

Ecuadorians on roster at the moment.

16:56

That's the point. That's the

16:58

non-racist thing. That's where the

17:00

diversity is racist. Who gives

17:02

you shit? Just get strong

17:04

people. It's an emergency thing, but when

17:07

I go to the bank, I

17:09

want someone who looks like me. No,

17:11

you do? I tell you what, there's a

17:13

girl at my bank that she is, she's

17:15

a teller and she's deaf, right?

17:17

She's very nice, right? But during

17:19

COVID in the masks and

17:22

through the bulletproof glass, Her job was

17:24

a nightmare. Because people are writing things down on a note

17:26

and sending it and that always seems like a... She couldn't

17:28

lip-read people because we were all wearing masks. It was like

17:30

the poor thing. I don't know how we got to that.

17:32

No, that looks like a hostage thing where you like write

17:34

something and slide it to them. You get shot for doing

17:36

that. You put it underneath, go, I need some money. And

17:38

then the security go, you're like, no, she's deaf mate. It's

17:40

not a stick up. I'll play the other, I'll play the

17:42

rest of the rest of this clip. I'll play the rest

17:44

of this clip. I'll play the rest of this clip. I'll,

17:46

I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll,

17:48

I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll,

17:50

I knowing that somebody might understand their situation better, is she

17:52

strong enough to do this? Or you couldn't carry

17:54

my husband out of a fire, which my response

17:56

is, he got himself in the wrong place if

17:58

I have to carry him out. What, what, what,

18:00

what, what, what, let me just play

18:03

that again? That was a five person,

18:05

he just said, he's got himself in

18:07

a wrong place, if you need, he's

18:09

like so, a bit of wood's fallen

18:11

from the, from the roof onto his

18:13

legs, his legs are crushed. Oh, well,

18:15

someone's bloody, he made a mistake, are

18:17

they? What were you doing up there,

18:19

Steve? What, were we up in the

18:22

roof? I was trying to hose off.

18:24

the bloody roof so the fire wouldn't

18:26

get onto me thing and clean out

18:28

me gutters. Well you look like an

18:30

idiot now that your roofs caved in,

18:32

don't you? You think that I'm gonna

18:34

pick you up? Don't have her for

18:36

the police. You got raped. What did

18:39

you wear? Why'd you go out? It's

18:41

not my job to protect you. Yeah,

18:43

no, no, no, that's saying he's asking

18:45

for it. That's very wrong. My first

18:47

thing, and also, you know what's terrible

18:49

about this clip? This isn't from an

18:51

interview where she's been put on the

18:53

spot and she said something stupid. This

18:55

is something the fire department has put

18:58

out with editing. And music behind it

19:00

like, this is a beautiful story. Like,

19:02

like, you're in emergency services. You know,

19:04

I've broken my leg on a hike.

19:06

Why would you hike? It's a dumb

19:08

activity. I don't, yeah, I don't, I

19:10

don't mind, I don't mind if a

19:12

lesbian comes and picks me up, but

19:15

you know, maybe you have to send

19:17

a few of them. This happened, when

19:19

my mother passed away, right, she broke

19:21

her leg at home and the ambulance

19:23

drivers that were there, she broke her

19:25

leg in front of people, right? The

19:27

ambulance drivers that were there couldn't pick

19:29

her back up, she was a fire

19:31

department. We had nine emergency people pick

19:34

up my mother. At no stage did

19:36

they look at her. They probably did.

19:38

I wasn't there. I was about to

19:40

go. And no stage did they go,

19:42

why have you fallen over? Why did

19:44

you get this heavy? You're a bit

19:46

too fat to carry. Up, gun to

19:48

up. I know your son's work. The

19:51

up gunter up over the years. Some

19:53

local kids, many years ago, about a

19:55

decade ago, figured out where my childhood

19:57

home was. would ride the bikes by

19:59

the house yelling up Gunter up. Oh

20:01

God, that was a hard, that was

20:03

a heavy weight for me to carry

20:05

with my mother. That's what you did

20:07

to her. Yeah, and she couldn't move,

20:10

she just did a lazy boy chair

20:12

with the doors open, you know, because

20:14

it's fucking Australian heat. She just got

20:16

the fly screens, like she heard it

20:18

as clear as they were sitting right

20:20

next door. Did Gary like it? Or was

20:22

he like, buddy, buddy, mean, the inner step

20:25

up to defend the item? two days before

20:27

the fire, three days before the

20:29

fire. And then he never rang

20:31

me afterwards. And he goes, you would

20:33

have called me if there was a

20:35

problem. Spot on. Yeah, true, true, yeah.

20:37

And he goes, you go after Palm Springs?

20:39

He goes, I like your hot tub. You

20:42

should use that. That'll make you

20:44

relax. That'll make you relax.

20:46

That was my, but Australians have an

20:48

up. That stage. And that stage, I was

20:50

like, Dan, I could lose my house.

20:52

Oh, I could lose my house. Use

20:54

the hot tub. And which we

20:56

did. Yeah, let me play the

20:58

last clip for you. Okay. Because

21:00

there is a lot of... But

21:02

back... My first question, you shouldn't

21:04

be asking any questions when you

21:06

see someone laying in the ground.

21:09

There shouldn't be, my first question

21:11

be, how did you get yourself

21:13

into this predicament? Well,

21:15

I mean, imagine any situation where

21:17

a firefighter basically goes, I

21:19

have to justify what were you doing,

21:21

were you stupid? Do you deserve

21:23

to be... You know what I mean? Do you deserve

21:26

to be saved? Yeah. It's a lot of effort

21:28

for me to get up there. I'm a fat... All

21:30

right, well, do you want to talk

21:32

about non-fires? Yeah, so that's done a

21:34

lot of fire gear. That's what's happening

21:36

at this moment in LA. Time for

21:38

an outbreak. All right now, I've got more for

21:40

you on that. And we're back. Oh, so

21:42

speaking of... Okay, actually, we haven't done it.

21:45

With our adverts, we haven't sold any adverts

21:47

yet, so what we're going to do to

21:49

begin the show is we're going to give

21:51

you some... So the problem with podcasting is

21:53

this, is that they only sell adverts in

21:55

America, but we have a podcast that's going

21:57

to be listened by people in the UK,

22:00

South Africa. Australia, probably all five people

22:02

in New Zealand. Helsinki, I saw

22:04

someone from Helsinki who was excited.

22:07

Helsinki, I'm quite, I do quite

22:09

well in Holland, right? And we

22:11

can't sell adverts to these other

22:14

countries, it's all just like advertising

22:16

within America. We want to change

22:19

that, so we haven't sold the

22:21

American ads just as yet, but

22:23

we do have some foreign ones

22:26

for you. Check this out. Hello

22:28

everybody I'm Bob and welcome to

22:30

Bob's built-on. If it walks, swims

22:33

or flies, you can rest assured.

22:35

We've killed it and dried it

22:37

into a barely tubal stick like

22:40

small good. It's like you Americans

22:42

may not have tried this before.

22:44

You try jerky? It is like

22:47

jerky but with more jerk involved.

22:49

It's like jerky but much worse

22:52

and at a higher price. Now

22:54

of course we have all the

22:56

standard meats. We have chicken. We

22:59

have springbok. We have hippo. We

23:01

have all those standard meats. That's

23:03

right Jonti. And they are delicious.

23:06

But now we have a special

23:08

offer for our American listeners of

23:10

the ATM podcast. Our endangered line.

23:13

Not everything in this world is

23:15

black and white. Unlike our pander.

23:18

Oh! It's got a meaty gamey

23:20

taste. It's meat. That's right. It's

23:22

black, it's white, it's Asian. There's

23:25

so much flavor in there. That's

23:27

right. We have a new special.

23:29

We have a new special kind

23:32

of built-on from our endangered line.

23:34

That's right. It's a lion. It's

23:36

a lion. A lion? Cecil the

23:39

lion. You might remember him from

23:41

back in the day. We have

23:44

been drawing him out this whole

23:46

time. He's ready to go. We

23:48

are very famous here in South

23:51

Africa. The people of this country

23:53

love our built-on. Like Oscar Pastoreus,

23:55

he's the face of built-on. Oscar

23:58

had this to say. I was

24:00

in prison there was a few

24:02

things that I missed. River, my

24:05

legs and most importantly built on.

24:07

I couldn't get it in there.

24:09

I had a lot of dried up

24:11

dark meat but that's another thing I

24:14

don't want to talk about. Prison was

24:16

hard. It was hard and it

24:18

was tough not the prison that

24:20

built on. There are people in

24:22

LA who are very dangerous

24:25

by the circumstances they find

24:27

themselves in. Biltong is not

24:29

just a snack that is

24:31

healthy and low-cattery, it's also

24:33

a fucking weapon. You can step

24:35

someone on the street if they approach

24:37

you to ask you for change. Now,

24:40

of course, all of our

24:42

meat is very ethically raised, etc,

24:44

etc. etc. But we have

24:46

had some problems with Peter. Peter

24:49

is the one vegetarian in South

24:51

Africa. Hey, Peter, don't tell me

24:53

what to do. I don't know

24:55

what to do. You do what

24:57

you do. You do. Peter, Peter

25:00

the carotita, that's what we call

25:02

him, it gets under his skin.

25:04

Don't be like that, Junty, that

25:06

is a view of the past.

25:08

Our company is moving forward and

25:11

including vegans now. We have a

25:13

special product for vegetarians. It's called

25:15

Beyond Tong. It's just a stick

25:17

and we've engraved on it. You

25:19

are a big pussy. Which we also

25:21

sell jungle cats as well. Come

25:25

on down and purchase

25:27

online using a 25%

25:29

discount code from the

25:31

John Joffries podcast ATM

25:33

into the corner animal

25:35

to mouth That's right animal

25:37

to mouth If it's ever

25:39

lived and it's died we've

25:41

dried it and sent it

25:43

to you now we have

25:46

sent built on all across

25:48

the world from Cape Town

25:50

to Johannesburg and the suburbs

25:52

near Victoria But we are going

25:54

to expand the business internationally, so

25:57

you will have to convert your

25:59

money from from US dollars to

26:01

land to be able to purchase

26:03

the billton. You will need some

26:05

type of mega computer to put

26:08

all those digits on the

26:10

screen. That's right, our meat is

26:12

also 100% South African. None of

26:14

that Namibian shit. Yes, and Zimbabwe,

26:16

they say you shit as well.

26:18

No good from there. How else

26:21

can you say? So it's Johnny

26:23

and Bob. The best way to

26:25

remember our company is to remember

26:27

us. Johnny and Bob's. Built on,

26:29

we believe you. And we're back.

26:32

Just want to buy some

26:34

of that, I'm going to buy

26:36

some. I want to talk about...

26:38

Whatever that is, I'm getting it.

26:41

Fire insurance. How about helicopters that

26:43

have great big blankets? Stop because

26:46

I'm sick and tired of hearing

26:48

the word retardant. It feels

26:50

too close. I get worried about

26:52

the PCness of dropping retardant. Yeah,

26:55

the fire chief is non-retardant. Yeah,

26:57

not retarded. That was one of

26:59

my medical reports once was

27:01

non-retarded. That sounds like I say my...

27:03

Pretty good. The thing about me is

27:06

I'm non-retardant. I don't do the voice.

27:08

I can do the voice, Brad. Okay,

27:10

but people just think you're doing someone

27:12

mentally ill. Why voices is this, this

27:14

is called Ozzy. What you're doing is

27:16

you're doing an Australian, like Greek guy

27:19

or something like that. This is just

27:21

what happens in Australia. I'll quickly explain

27:23

it. It's a little bit like Jonah

27:25

from Tonga. Hey bro, it's my culture.

27:27

Okay, all right, sorry. So like in

27:29

Australia, all us ethnics, my family came

27:32

from Croatia. Food is better. We all

27:34

came to Australia and then instead of

27:36

picking our natural accent, we all just

27:38

unionised and picked one. They picked this

27:40

one. We made one big accent. This

27:42

is the one we use and we

27:45

say that all the Australians are skips

27:47

and their food has no flavor. Fuckin

27:49

doggers made. This country, the

27:51

food was shit. The food was

27:54

shit and the fucking women?

27:56

Right? They got hairy boxes,

27:58

right? Oh, they did. Our

28:00

bitches are so hairy we made them

28:02

waxed. We made they had to get

28:04

rid of it get rid of all

28:06

of it That's where the fires came

28:08

from from these hairy bitches these leb

28:10

chicks anyway, so that's how that's how

28:12

Amos and his kind speak That's why

28:14

I made my girlfriend me told Tula

28:16

you need to wax your legs. We're

28:18

in a fire area That's dangerous to

28:20

her family. You know what else? You

28:23

know what else? I always I always

28:25

suggest with your girlfriend back back back

28:27

back These chicks, you gotta get rid

28:29

of it. If they don't get rid

28:31

of the hairs on their backs, you

28:33

know, they could be done for attempting

28:35

to do that. But I like it,

28:37

something to hold on to, when I

28:39

fuck your mom. With her hairy back.

28:41

Now let me- You think your mom

28:43

will be listening to this? Absolutely not.

28:45

She didn't even turn up when I

28:47

performed in an arena. That's, yeah, so

28:50

Amos once opened for me at an

28:52

arena in Perth, 10,000 people, and Amos's

28:54

mom was coming to the show, Amos

28:56

was on before the interval doing the

28:58

warm-up, doing like 20-minute spot, and his

29:00

mother showed up with her boyfriend during

29:02

the interval, missed all of Amos and

29:04

stuff, just came to see me. I

29:06

said, well, we're, we're, we're, we're, dinner

29:08

around a little bit over. She goes,

29:10

oh, we're at Elitos and we were

29:12

going to leave on time, but we

29:14

decided for desserts because they have a

29:17

really nice panicota. Yeah, rather than see

29:19

her son perform in front of 10,000

29:21

people, she had fucking panicotta. And then

29:23

how about this one? Cotted cream. You

29:25

wouldn't think there's a woman who's digested

29:27

more clotted queen than this fucking woman.

29:29

And now this is what she was

29:31

doing. And then I go to her.

29:33

You missed, what's the whole? Now let

29:35

me read some comments about the show.

29:37

Welcome by the way to at this

29:39

moment. One thing quickly, but only quickly,

29:41

when I met your mum, what was

29:43

your mother's nickname? And you said call

29:46

this nickname, she'll find it really funny.

29:48

So my mum's nickname from her brother

29:50

is Trotts. Trotts. Because she has the

29:52

legs of a little pig. Yeah, the

29:54

legs of little pig. It's like she's

29:56

walking around on hoofs, mate. She walks

29:58

around on hooves. So he called the

30:00

truts and the aim I said to

30:02

me when my mom comes in, call

30:04

the trots, she'll find it funny, her

30:06

whole family calls the trots. And she

30:08

walked in and I went, I went, trots

30:11

is here, I won't get a trots. She

30:13

went, and she went, that was my

30:15

nickname when I was a little girl, Jim.

30:17

She looked at me. She looked at me

30:19

for three weeks because of that comment. Yeah,

30:21

yeah. I mean he told me she'd laugh

30:24

about it. So if you say if you're

30:26

listening, trots. Cheer up. She's not

30:28

listening. She's at a restaurant. I

30:30

want to read a comment. Feeding

30:32

from the trough. So Jim put

30:34

up, we're starting a podcast post

30:37

and there were some comments there which

30:39

were not too bad. But AI. I

30:41

don't check comments. Meta does this thing

30:43

now. So Facebook and Instagram,

30:46

they surmise the AI reads all the

30:48

comments and it gives you a rundown

30:50

of what the public really thinks. Let me

30:52

read to you. Oh, I don't need this

30:54

anymore. No, no, this is good. Well, you

30:57

edited something. It says this. You know what

30:59

you did. You're in a lot of

31:01

trouble. All right, it says here, what people

31:03

are saying about ATM. Excitement builds

31:06

for the upcoming podcast at this

31:08

moment, with Jim Jeffries and Amos

31:10

Gil. Fans are expressing eagerness, share

31:13

fond memories of live shows where

31:15

they've seen the duo, and inquire

31:18

about future projects. One fan. humorously

31:20

likens Amos to a low-rent John

31:22

Snow, setting a light-hearted tone for

31:25

the podcast reception. So Mark Zakabek

31:27

starts fucking lifting weights all of

31:29

a sudden, now he's roasting my

31:32

appearance via AI. You're very handsome

31:34

in the flesh, but on camera you're

31:36

rough to look at. You've got a

31:38

big head. Fat cheeks. If you meet

31:40

him in the flesh, it's not that bad.

31:43

Not that bad also. That's why Jim lets

31:45

me open up for him. Also there's a

31:47

clone that if you see him in the

31:49

car for long enough He odorizes the whole

31:51

vehicle You said I don't want to

31:53

do the voice, but I'll say that they're

31:55

hairy and stinky fucking unbelievable. What?

31:58

Who did I say was hairy and stinky?

32:00

You're insinuating that because of my ethnicity,

32:02

I stink and them hairy. No, my

32:04

mom has it every back. No, you

32:06

work alone. You smell good. You smell

32:08

good. You smell fresh. Like, like timber

32:11

that has been rinsed in citrus. Let's

32:13

move on. Your mom has hairy back.

32:15

She's got big legs too. No, little

32:17

Tony Trotter legs. I got little legs

32:19

myself. I'm a short legged person. Hello,

32:22

Leon. There's one of me cats. There's

32:24

one of me cats. Yeah. keep the

32:26

cats out of the pot. If this

32:28

thing's gonna go anywhere. How do I

32:30

always, I was fucking, I was swimming

32:33

in pussy and I still got abused.

32:35

Can't win with these people. I know,

32:37

these fucking bros. All right, all right,

32:39

let's talk about some other stories that

32:41

aren't just fucking fires. Oh yeah, no,

32:44

I was gonna talk about looters. I

32:46

say let them loot once the house

32:48

is called off. Like, I think the

32:50

fire department and police department, you go,

32:52

your insurance is gonna cover the common

32:55

contents. It's gonna cover the common contents.

32:57

It's too dangerous is too dangerous, it.

32:59

It's too dangerous, it. It's too dangerous,

33:01

it. It's too dangerous, it. No, because

33:03

they'll be safe as... I think we

33:06

make a reality TV show. That's like,

33:08

the one where they buy those lockers.

33:10

You know, the one? The storage was?

33:12

Storage was. But you do it, you

33:14

buy a block of land, and all

33:17

you can see is from the aerial

33:19

shot. And you have to pick over

33:21

from the aerial shot whether you get

33:23

it or not, and then you're driven

33:25

up to your thing, and then you

33:28

get these shovels shovel around. But he

33:30

it's what I'm just giving you the

33:32

tag. It's it's unpleasant comedy It's unnecessary.

33:34

It's witless. It's witless. It's witless. It's

33:36

witless. Okay, so I'll tell you what

33:39

happens. On the one mistake club we

33:41

have a guy called John Leahy. He's

33:43

a good guy, right? John John is

33:45

the major producer on the show. He's

33:47

the guy that's in me here all

33:49

the time of the 1% club. And

33:52

when Amos was writing jokes, me and

33:54

Amos went down to a comedy club

33:56

after the 1% club. If you haven't

33:58

seen the 1% club, the 1% club

34:00

in America Club in America Club. What's

34:03

easy now? Lee Mac does the British

34:05

one. Anyway so so we went down

34:07

to do a comedy club and Amos

34:09

was opening as he does and afterwards

34:11

John came out and he goes Jim

34:14

I really enjoyed your show

34:16

today but Amos I found

34:18

your jokes about Catholicism to

34:20

be whitless. Whitless! Whitless! That

34:22

was a good name for

34:25

podcast. Whitless, you know, the

34:27

joke was, if you got

34:29

molested by Cardinal Pell, in the deep recesses of

34:31

your mind, you'd have to think, well, at least he's high

34:33

ranking. He's not some suburban, you know, bitch. Oh, no, no,

34:35

it's, back in the days, if you go finger as a

34:38

kid, it was Michael Jackson, that beats the creepy guy, I

34:40

was saying, I'm arrogant. At least you get a roller coaster

34:42

to ride out of the bloody thing, and you're probably get

34:44

to play in a play in a play in a video,

34:46

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you

34:48

get to play, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

34:50

you, you, you, you, you, you, you get to play, you,

34:52

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

34:54

you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you Whittless? Well I've

34:57

never come back to work on the show. Whittless? It hurt

34:59

my feelings. Whittless. Hurt your feelings? You weren't asked. You

35:01

hurt me feelings and I'm not coming

35:03

back! I could have come back to

35:05

season two. I did not want to

35:07

write any more jokes about percentages. I'm

35:10

getting good at it now. I think

35:12

I'm getting to the stage where I

35:14

can host the One Percent Club without

35:16

actually having any written jokes. The only

35:19

jokes that are written are the ones

35:21

that are over the top of the

35:23

show. Over the top of the 30

35:25

seconds. And there are bits that everyone

35:27

mutes anyway. It's a painful process. I

35:30

get people right to me every day like,

35:32

can you shut up? What chance do they

35:34

have when he asked a question and then

35:36

he's bloody droning on with gags? It's not

35:38

a time for him, I'm trying to think.

35:40

You know who I'm trying to entertain at

35:43

that stage? The people who have given up.

35:45

The people who are like, I don't get

35:47

over the 50% question, I'm too dumb, I'm

35:49

just going to listen to the occasional joke.

35:51

But this is the problem, mate, you know,

35:54

now you've got your game show, you're positive,

35:56

you've got cats, you've got cats, you've got

35:58

cats, you wear a light- in your Hollywood

36:00

house that's still standing. I've often, I'm just

36:02

high walking around the house. And here I

36:05

am, witless, every time I say something vaguely

36:07

nasty. Fat, you're bigger than you used to

36:09

be. I've got a big head. Yeah, big

36:11

head, big round head. And I come up

36:14

here and I make a remark like, it's

36:16

a real Black Friday sale. It's not my

36:18

best stuff. Yeah. And immediately you're thinking, I'm

36:20

associated with a bloke that's going to lose

36:23

me, my bloody game. It was terrible and

36:25

your best stuff. All right, so what

36:27

other story what other stories we got

36:29

this is gonna last this guy's episodes

36:31

this podcast stop Okay, all right back

36:34

to the Black Faraday's now. I'm gonna

36:36

whip this down. All right, okay I'm

36:38

just saying let him pick through the

36:40

ash Yeah, let the looters go through the

36:42

ash That the way you looked

36:44

at me there. Yeah, that's your point. Is

36:46

it after all that? You said storage wars

36:49

It's like storage was I said yeah, it's

36:51

a real Black Friday sale I'm just trying

36:53

to tag you up storage wars those people

36:55

could picture what I was actually suggesting

36:57

You made it about race or

36:59

something or lesbians you haven't gone

37:01

five minutes without fucking mentioning lesbians

37:04

speaking about that. I've got another

37:06

clip here. Here we go the

37:08

fat Friday. You're lucky I haven't

37:10

got into my other conservators. So

37:12

here we go. So we'll talk

37:15

about what's going on around the

37:17

world. We'll leave the California files

37:19

behind and we could probably edit

37:21

that into a good 12 minutes.

37:23

We've gone from about 45. But

37:25

it's where we live. It's what's

37:27

affecting us. Here's some global stories

37:30

that I want to go through.

37:32

The football club Lazio. Lazio is

37:34

the second team. Okay. They have

37:36

I like how you just said that

37:38

like okay, okay, just letting it

37:40

go man I said the wags coming

37:42

back out a bit right now Okay,

37:45

you explain to the Americans what the

37:47

word wog means and you can use

37:49

it Yeah, yeah, it's just Mediterranean folks

37:51

Mediterranean okay, you know, you know, it's

37:53

a slur that they've adopted that they

37:55

say and for the most part everyone

37:58

can say it now it wasn't in

38:00

the 70s, but everyone can sort

38:02

of say it, but I'm not

38:04

saying it because, you know. Lazio

38:06

is the fascist team. So here's

38:09

what you need to know

38:11

about. Lazio, fun facts. Mussolini's

38:13

great-grandson plays for the team.

38:16

Well, he's an okay grandson.

38:18

Yeah. Black Friday was

38:20

bad. He's great-grandson. And when

38:22

he scores they do the Mussolini

38:25

salute. Duché, duché, duché, which is

38:27

very similar to the Nazi salute

38:29

but with less effort. It's a

38:31

bit more. You know, if you

38:34

extend another 15 degrees, you're a

38:36

Nazi, a bit lower. You're an

38:38

Italian, yeah. So, this is the

38:40

equivalent of like Adolf

38:43

Hitler's great-great-grandson playing for

38:45

Bayern Munich. And then going

38:47

like, sick, high, when he scores. That's

38:50

the kind of fan base we've got

38:52

here. Okay. And they're not a bad

38:54

football team. They have a falconier before

38:57

every match. Yes. Now, who does that

38:59

here? They do that. They do that.

39:01

They do that at LAFC. And sometimes

39:03

Will Farrell actually does the Falcon. He

39:05

comes out of the thing and actually

39:08

gets the Falcon. Yeah. So they have

39:10

a falconier and he's like, you

39:12

know, a famous mascot. For the

39:14

team and he flies the falcon

39:17

which is the the bird

39:19

of Rome. Yeah And

39:21

this guy his name

39:23

is someone mangioni fucking

39:26

one banabe Someone

39:28

fucking manabe Someone fucking

39:31

mangiote. Oh, yeah, and

39:33

I become the voice

39:36

of reason Let me

39:38

read let me read the

39:40

story I'm like,

39:42

why do you think I was going

39:45

to do an Indian slow? Yeah, yeah,

39:47

yeah, I thought you were going to

39:49

do something. You're going to start wobble

39:52

in his bloody head. He was. He

39:54

reckons that cricket games in India, they

39:56

give them still heads. As

39:58

a promotion. Terrible. Terrible.

40:00

Terrible. Things he says.

40:03

Lazio. Let's stop it. They just

40:05

call him a football team. Don't

40:07

say, oh, that's the actual

40:09

names. Lazio, that's what

40:12

they're like in the office. Come

40:14

on. All right, come on. Lazio. Can

40:16

you get to your point? There's

40:18

a balcony. Lutzia has fired the

40:21

man who handled the Italian soccer

40:23

club Eagle mascot after he posted

40:25

photos and videos online of his

40:27

own prosthetic penis. Falconier Juan Bonabe

40:30

shared the images on his private

40:32

social media accounts after undergoing a

40:34

surgery for a penal implant, which

40:36

he said was for non-medical reasons.

40:38

It's the catch the bird! give

40:41

it a little bit of a

40:43

perch. I got a mate who

40:45

does penal implants and he does it

40:47

and he says it's very hard to

40:49

get people to actually endorse them. He's

40:51

done like 5,000, his company's got hymn

40:54

plants. If you check out him, plants, there'll be a video. You know

40:56

where I met him, right? I met this guy, and we've become friends,

40:58

he's come to a couple of my shows, and I actually really like

41:00

him, I think he's a good dude, right? I met him at a

41:02

three-year-old's birthday party, at least, the van a pump's house. The life I

41:04

live, and so I'm at a three-year-old's birthday party, and so I'm at

41:06

a three-year-old's birthday party and I used to watch legit, and I said,

41:08

and I said, I said, I talked about myself for about 20 minutes,

41:10

for about 20 minutes, for about 20 minutes, for about 20 minutes, for

41:12

about 20 minutes, for about 20 minutes, for about, for about, for

41:14

about, for about 20 minutes, for about 20

41:16

minutes, for about, for about, for about, for

41:19

about, for about, for about, for about, for

41:21

about, about, about, about, about, about, and what

41:23

do you do? Like to be polite, I

41:25

asked him what he does. What were you

41:27

expecting? Thinking that it wouldn't be as exciting

41:29

as what I did because I'm too arrogant,

41:32

right? And I thought he was gonna go,

41:34

I work as an entertainment lawyer or something,

41:36

you know, you meet these people all the

41:38

time, I work in blah blah blah, or

41:40

I research this, that, and the other. And

41:42

he said, I own a penis enlargement. penis

41:45

implant company, the largest in the world

41:47

that does penal implants. I've done over

41:49

5,000 and it's like a silicon sock

41:51

that goes, you can only do it

41:54

if you're circumcised and it's him, he's

41:56

Arab, it's an Arab, a Jewish guy

41:58

and a gay guy. covered all the

42:00

dick bases. And what's the story?

42:02

Is it good? I haven't had one yet.

42:05

Well, didn't you say, you

42:07

said to me. Yeah. No, you said to me.

42:09

don't think he'd give me a deal. No,

42:11

well, this is the problem. He would definitely, he would

42:13

do it for me for free if I just

42:16

went on and said how happy I was with my

42:18

results. You gotta endorse it. Yeah, if I did

42:20

it, he'd do it for free if I'd endorse it,

42:22

but I'm not gonna endorse it. Usually an athlete

42:24

will, you know, they'll do like Invisalign. There's

42:26

a lot of athletes that like I did Invisalign, I got

42:28

my confidence back with a nice smile. Not many like NFL

42:30

players would be like, I had a little dick in the

42:32

locker room. You know, I didn't feel comfortable

42:34

walking around with the rest of the 49ers. They reckon

42:36

there's a lot of athletes that are getting them

42:38

done. Well, that's the thing. You've actually got to

42:40

be your cock out time. But anyway, so this

42:42

balcony, you get to dick implant. He tells everyone,

42:44

I've got a dick implant. Well, yeah, so he

42:46

said basically the same thing. I've got a penile implant. I've

42:49

never felt better. Yeah. And he plugged

42:51

the surgeon who did it. That's

42:53

why you have plastic surgery to feel

42:55

better about yourself. Okay, so then

42:57

the club wrote this. We are shocked

42:59

to see the photographic images and

43:01

video of Mr. Juan Bernabe and have

43:03

decided that we will stop and

43:05

cease with immediate effect all relationships with

43:07

this person given the seriousness of

43:09

this behavior. Lazio is a masculine and

43:11

proud club. Yeah. So

43:13

basically they've gone, you've given us a bad

43:15

name. You've got a little cock and

43:17

a real man wouldn't get a penile implant

43:19

year against. I mean, we'll do the

43:21

zig hail. I'm unhappy with this because

43:23

this is a double standard. This is like when I was

43:25

talking about what's the name you lost a hair and

43:28

how she could have had a wig. What was her name?

43:31

Oh, Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith, right? This

43:33

double standard that we meant to cry for women

43:35

who go bald, but not for men who go

43:37

bald, right? And now a standard of a guy

43:39

who wanted to make his dick bigger, he does

43:41

it and we all call him a loser and

43:43

an asshole. He wanted to have his dick bigger.

43:45

He wanted to feel good about himself. When a

43:48

woman get her breasts done, we don't, maybe there

43:50

are some arseholes who do it, but she's not

43:52

getting fired from a job, is my point. Yeah,

43:54

I would imagine. There's no one who's showing up

43:56

to work and going, oh, you're not allowed to

43:58

have those. If anything had been carried. in my

44:00

workplaces, I would encourage that. Yeah,

44:02

to get, to get, to get, to

44:05

get, to get, to get, to get

44:07

dick implants at my workbook. Like, we

44:09

had to let one of the cheerleaders

44:11

go. She refused to get her tits done.

44:13

It's fucking embarrassing. Is that serious?

44:15

No. Because I thought they didn't

44:18

have cheerleaders in, in football or

44:20

soccer as the Americans call. They

44:22

never do, because the game's entertaining

44:24

enough. Just doing a bit. Just

44:26

doing a bit. Just doing a

44:28

bit. little chubby bloke and he's got to spend his

44:30

life in the locker room with Italian lads. Yeah. And he wanted

44:33

to improve his penis and he's been made to see it for

44:35

and I feel bad for the circumstances. You're not circumcised? I'm circumcised.

44:37

Okay, yeah, your one's good to go. So you can get the

44:39

implants as well. You can get the implants. I can get the

44:41

implants. Jack. And how big does the penis go? Like you can't,

44:43

we're not at the level where you can go. You can't make

44:45

the head bigger. You can't make the head bigger, you can't make

44:47

the head bigger, you can't make the head bigger, you can't make

44:49

the head bigger, you can't make the head bigger, you can't, you

44:51

can't make the head bigger, you can't make the head bigger, you

44:54

can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you

44:56

can't, you can't, you can't, it, you can't and that'll like

44:58

a medical video. Do you think we

45:00

could get this guy on? What do

45:02

you come on? Yeah 100% 100% 100%

45:04

he's great dude. I'd love to hear

45:06

about this because he must be a

45:08

billionaire. No. Well he's doing all right.

45:10

What does he charge to get your

45:12

cock done? I don't know. I'm getting

45:14

it for free. If I go to

45:17

your office and there's pamphlets and brochures

45:19

down there. It can't improve you

45:21

on the erecto though. It doesn't make

45:23

you go erect because it's still, the

45:25

three tubes that make the cock, it's

45:27

going around those. It's the flesh around

45:30

it, so it makes it bigger, like

45:32

a silicon sock. And so your dick

45:34

will be bigger all the time. There

45:36

we go. There we go. This is

45:38

a hymn plant. Embrace the next generation

45:40

of excellence. World renouncession. Dr.

45:43

James. A list, that's him? He's not

45:45

what you go, no. No, the inventor of

45:47

the him play. I'm not gonna name him

45:49

until he's okay with being named. Well, he's

45:51

on the fucking internet. Yeah, no, man. Oh, I

45:53

see it, look at that, looks, yeah. Look at,

45:55

that's the fucking... And it cuts from the base,

45:57

cuts from the base and it goes in over...

46:00

top and it scoops around. This is

46:02

good scoops. It's like when you're childproofing

46:04

a coffee table edge. This is funny.

46:06

So I really get about it here.

46:09

These are its key features. Yeah. Number

46:11

one, FDA cleared. That means there

46:13

was a Senate inquiry meeting. Where someone

46:15

had to get one of these cocks

46:17

out and all the senators are going

46:19

around having a look at it. Looks

46:22

all right to me. Of course. Of

46:24

course it has to be cleared. How do

46:26

you think it's going to work? Of course, let's

46:28

be clear. No, I know, but I would like

46:30

to see that Senate inquiry hearing where they go

46:32

about, you know, does it increase girth? Is it

46:34

lumpy? Because that used to be the big problem

46:36

was, people used to suck fat and inject

46:38

it in, and then you'd get like a

46:41

ribbed penis. I look, this is one of

46:43

the many differences between men and women, right?

46:45

Every man knows the size of

46:47

their dick, down to the centimeter

46:49

millimeter millimeter millimeter, or whatever, or

46:51

whatever. We've all done it, you

46:53

know, right? Women will never know.

46:55

I can tell you the size

46:57

of my dick. It's a standard

46:59

iPhone with the head over the

47:01

top. So picture that iPhone, that's

47:03

my dick, because I was holding,

47:05

watching porn next to it, and

47:07

then I went, oh, that's a good

47:09

measuring. And I googled how

47:11

big's an iPhone, and then

47:14

I worked off that measurement.

47:16

Simple, simple, not complicated, right?

47:18

Anyway, don't want to, don't want

47:20

to, don't want to, don't want to

47:23

brag that bad, but it's standard iPhone.

47:25

Yeah. But my would be the size

47:27

of that one now. I want to

47:29

brag with my, I'm $79 a month

47:31

for the four hours and so that's

47:34

not what I'm. I got the big

47:36

phone. Anyway, my point is, at least

47:38

we know, at least we have the

47:40

information I've had sex with over my

47:42

life, or being like, you like, you

47:44

like, you like, Every woman who's listening to

47:47

this podcast right now, you have no idea.

47:49

If you're truly honest with yourself, you have

47:51

no idea. Because visually, you can't tell if

47:53

it's going to be good or bad. It's

47:55

a lucky dip. How did they tell? You

47:57

got to get like Sonar mapped in front

47:59

of those fishing. depth charges that they get.

48:01

Well I know a girl who had the

48:03

retreat who had it tightened up. Yeah you

48:05

could you could crack a finger in there.

48:08

Let me read this to you. Good work

48:10

it was. I'm on the website. Money will

48:12

spend that. I'm on the website and they're

48:14

talking about how it's a success and it

48:16

saves people. Now normally I would expect the

48:19

number one quote would be a guy who

48:21

goes, I suffered from You know, low self-body

48:23

worth, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now I

48:25

forget about yourself. You want to know the

48:27

quote they run with here? Get ready for

48:30

this. I'm writing on behalf, says Olivia

48:32

T, satisfied wife. Saved our marriage. Not

48:34

that we were not happy, but we're

48:36

having big difficulties in bed, and now

48:38

it's much more enjoyable for both of

48:40

us. If a plastic surgeon for women...

48:42

Did breast enlargement surgery? And he

48:44

had a quote, satisfied husband, ate

48:47

at the flat-chested chick, had to

48:49

picture someone else. Now I've got

48:51

somewhere to come. I can put

48:53

me dick in between them. I've

48:55

got a new... Satisfied husband. Forrest

48:57

rang me up, if you know

48:59

my old podcast, Forrest Shore, and

49:01

you're probably still on the same

49:04

link, because this is the same

49:06

feat. And he goes, you know what?

49:08

He goes, great tits are hard to come

49:10

by. And I went, but easy to come

49:12

on. Now that's a bumper

49:15

sticker. Oh easy to come

49:17

over. Oh, how did I do it?

49:19

Great tits are hard to come

49:21

by, but easy to come over.

49:23

Oh easy Easy to come by,

49:25

but easy to come on. Anyway,

49:28

it makes sense. Oh, well,

49:30

we'll have to get that

49:32

sorted for the teachers. Yeah,

49:34

black Friday sale. Big tits.

49:37

Big tits. It's easy to come

49:39

by, but easy to come across.

49:41

That's the line, that's the line.

49:43

Great tits are hard to come

49:45

by but easy to come across.

49:47

The cross makes the joke, there you

49:50

go, there's the t-shirt. Jack, don't

49:52

edit that bit out, we want the

49:54

audience to see the process behind genius.

49:56

That's not a bad line man, it's

49:58

not a bad line. It's a thinker.

50:01

No, to edit at any of

50:03

the slurs. I've got nothing else.

50:05

I haven't said anything. Yeah, it's

50:07

his problem. You get into distance.

50:09

He can distance. I'm at this

50:11

moment. At this moment, I'm not

50:13

talking to Amos Gil. Next. At

50:15

this moment, me and Amos are

50:17

estranged. At this moment, I wish

50:19

Amos Gil in his court case

50:21

good luck. Just... This has got

50:23

three weeks, shelf life. This podcast.

50:25

All right, so Brad Pitt, let's talk about

50:27

Brad Pitt. Let's talk about Brad Pitt. What

50:29

was the last one? I just thought I'd

50:31

bring this up with you because I felt

50:33

so relieved today that maybe I should feel

50:36

guilty. I got a email from we have

50:38

a shared agency. Yes, like our agents. We

50:40

have the same agency. Manages and managers and

50:42

agents. Okay, so I got this, which I

50:44

love. This comes from my agent who

50:46

said hi Amos. I'm happy with my agents. Thank

50:49

you for all the work you done. This

50:51

is just great. I'm just getting

50:53

in early before he says, hi

50:55

Amos, anyway, you know what type

50:57

of person he was. Like, come

50:59

on, let's wait for the penny

51:01

to drop with this fellow. You know,

51:03

I was talking to my agents. Don't

51:05

do that. Don't do that. What is

51:07

wrong with you? You think the only

51:10

way to get noticed to be canceled?

51:12

You think the only way to be

51:14

noticed? There's no new ones. That was

51:16

a personal joke. It was witless. But

51:18

it was a personal joke for the

51:20

black comedian we saw. We saw a

51:22

French. We saw a French Canadian comedian

51:24

who we didn't know what he was

51:26

saying, but he went through every single

51:28

stereotype. Did we show you this footage,

51:30

Jack? Yeah, he went through it and

51:32

he did it. We can maybe put

51:34

it in the podcast. We don't know

51:37

who his name is. But it's the

51:39

most edgy material I've ever seen and

51:41

I didn't understand a word of it.

51:43

All he did was he did every

51:45

race, but because he's a black guy,

51:47

he did a stare at every race.

51:50

He did bubble heads, he did

51:52

Italians, he did hairy Arabs, he

51:54

did like Italians. Like suicide bomber

51:56

and then he didn't do it.

51:58

Don't do it. Let's start this

52:01

again. Jim! Jim! Jim, you like this

52:03

stuff. We have shared agents. Yes. And

52:05

you don't check your emails. No, I

52:07

don't. But I got this. I figure if

52:09

it's big enough, I'll make it to me.

52:12

It says, High Amos and team. We just

52:14

want to ensure you have all the resources

52:16

you need in this difficult and

52:18

challenging time coming ahead. So I'm

52:20

thinking, it's about fires, you know.

52:22

I need more, tell it work.

52:24

And then it writes this. As you may

52:27

know. Tic-toc will be unavailable next

52:29

week. To support you in navigating

52:31

the evolving landscape, our department has

52:33

given you a guide attached here

52:35

to help you get through this

52:37

difficult period where you may lose

52:39

your online presence. I have never

52:41

felt more relieved in my life

52:44

that I never did Tic-toc. No

52:46

Tic-toc, baby. Tic-tac, never did Tic-tac,

52:48

fuck! The crowd work clips, I

52:50

don't have to post anymore, I've

52:52

never felt more relieved. Comed. Comedian

52:54

kills. The amount of guilt I

52:56

had every day that I don't have

52:58

a tick-tock presence, if you wait long enough,

53:00

one of the apps will be taken down

53:03

because it's a Chinese spirit. I'm going to

53:05

be like Gary Newton. One day they'll just

53:07

be flying over the deserts and there'll

53:09

just be piles and piles of computers

53:11

and people will look out from the

53:14

plane and they'll say, what were those things?

53:16

That's what my dad believes. Yeah, he

53:18

was, um, what were those things? He thinks

53:20

he thinks he was not long on computers.

53:22

Yeah, he thought he's expecting the computer fat

53:25

to go away. He's just figuring out how

53:27

to get on the, on to his phone,

53:29

right? So he's just. He's just got

53:31

his first phone because my mother died

53:33

and now he's got Instagram and he

53:36

can do the Instagram reals and he's

53:38

very clearly typed vagina into his search

53:40

engine, right? Because he's trying to get

53:42

to porn but this is as far

53:44

as he can get is with the

53:47

Instagram. So he typed in vagina. At

53:49

Christmas my two boys were singing, Christmas

53:51

caroiki, like they're singing, Santa Claus is

53:53

coming to town. And in the corner

53:55

we see Grandad and his phone goes

53:58

like this, the vagina. The vagina. that

54:00

consists of three main parts,

54:02

a labia, a clitoris, and the

54:05

other bit. Whatever

54:07

they said. At least she's learning. Yeah, yeah. And then she

54:09

was like, no, I don't want that one. No, not that one.

54:11

And then he kept on flicking through, and then he had

54:13

another one that went like, even after

54:15

a woman gives birth, that doesn't

54:17

mean that the elasticity in her vagina

54:19

will go away. Jingle bell, jingle

54:21

me, look at all these kids. Your

54:24

son told me, he goes, yeah. Granddad

54:27

was looking at twerking videos. Yeah,

54:31

so he would sit next to the glass

54:33

window. Me and Hank would go out of the

54:35

house, walk all the way around the house,

54:37

go stand behind him at the glass window, and

54:39

he was just looking at women twerking. He's

54:42

well up for it. If my

54:44

dad actually gets through past

54:47

Instagram into the internet, he'll die

54:49

of dehydration. He's never seen hardcore

54:51

porn before. He's had a bit of playboy and

54:53

all that stuff. He'll be done. I'm sure you've

54:55

told the story before, but I was doing a

54:57

gig once, and I said, I made a porn

54:59

hub joke, and Jim's dad, Gary, pulled out a

55:01

piece of paper. Sitting next to my wife, sitting

55:03

next to my wife. Porn hub, and put it

55:06

into his top pocket like, oh, check that one

55:08

out later. He had one of those little pads

55:10

that had the spiral on top where you flip

55:12

the pad over, like he's a cop that just

55:14

wants to get a couple of notes off you,

55:16

and he's just flipped it over and he's written

55:18

porn hub, and flipped it back

55:20

and put it in his thing, sitting

55:22

next to my wife. Well, TikTok's gone, and

55:24

they're worried for all of us, content

55:27

creators, so we've lived long enough

55:29

to see the death of TikTok, and

55:31

I couldn't be happy. I'm still

55:33

waiting for MySpace to rise again. I

55:36

just love the idea of

55:38

Gary Nugent shorting Microsoft in

55:40

1995 with his stockbroker. Worthless

55:43

things. My dad always says that

55:45

he goes, I should have, buddy, bought a BHP.

55:47

Someone told me, I didn't buy enough. I bought a

55:49

little bit, but enough. Every Australian dad has a

55:51

story about if I can BHP or Santos. Yeah, I

55:53

should have bought a BHP. Bloody, if

55:55

I bought up a bloody BHP, back

55:57

in the day, BHP is just a

55:59

steel company. in Australia that has been very

56:01

successful that if you've bought shares in

56:03

the 70s that sort of... That's us

56:05

with meta, my generation, is crypto, should

56:07

have bought Bitcoin. When I'm dying I'll

56:09

be haunted by not buying Bitcoin. All

56:11

right here's another story, another one from

56:14

the world, this comes to us from France

56:16

and as a LA and actually a

56:18

personal element to you Jim, you know

56:20

the bloat. A woman was conned out

56:22

of $855,000 dollars. Well I've never met

56:24

Brad, I've just seen any money, I

56:26

just wanted to be known to be

56:28

known. So these stories are right? I've

56:30

never actually met him, yeah, I've talked

56:32

to him though, we're mates. An AI

56:34

projection? And I send him things? Unfortunately

56:36

for this lady, she fell in

56:39

love with Brad Pitt, where she

56:41

thought it was Brad Pitt. Yeah, yeah.

56:43

And he kept sending photos

56:45

of himself in a hospital. Yeah,

56:48

many pictures in a hospital,

56:50

because he'd had a skiing trip in

56:52

the French Alps that had gone awry.

56:55

And he was, and he was. It

56:57

says, a French woman thought she was

56:59

in a romantic relationship with Hollywood

57:01

star Brad Pitt. She handed over €830,000

57:03

to scammers as part of an elaborate

57:06

year-long colony of AI. I have an

57:08

elderly relative, and I've told you this

57:10

story before, this is a blue. I

57:12

have an elderly relative in her 90s,

57:14

who's a very nice lady who has

57:16

been on Facebook for a very short

57:18

amount of time, and she believes she's

57:20

been talking to Johnny Depp. And Johnny

57:22

Depp is at the moment, as far

57:24

as she concerned, holidaying in Australia, but

57:27

he can't change over his money. So

57:29

she has been buying him vouchers at

57:31

Coles. That's good. To get his groceries. About 50

57:33

bucks a day, she sends him every day. Johnny Depp?

57:35

And maybe for Dan Murphy's, I know he's a wine

57:37

drinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Johnny Depp, yeah, so Johnny

57:39

Depp, he goes off and he goes off to Coles,

57:42

he hasn't been spotted yet, the media hasn't spotted him

57:44

yet, but it's only a matter of time. He's always,

57:46

he's a master of disguise. Yeah, and he always goes

57:48

up to the counter and he just brings out a

57:50

whole lot of vouchers. I can't change the money over,

57:53

I'm like mentally challenged, that when I get to the

57:55

airport, they don't, they don't have those booths anymore, they

57:57

don't have those booths anymore, they don't have those booths

57:59

anymore. I have to get vouches of women

58:02

who are in their 90s, who I'm

58:04

really friendly with, who I approach. And

58:06

how did this come out, this info?

58:08

Like, did she bring up, you're not

58:10

the only one that knows famous people.

58:12

There's no, a relative who, my brother's

58:14

a cop and he's been trying to

58:17

tell her that she's been getting scanned,

58:19

but you can't tell people. Because

58:21

she's humiliating to them. If they

58:23

believe it. Look, okay. Okay, it's

58:25

the, it's, it's the, the, once you said

58:27

that again, the double stand. So I'll tell

58:29

you the story. So we went and saw

58:31

The Day of the Fires came out, we

58:33

went and saw Better Man with Robbie

58:36

Williams movie, which I really, really liked,

58:38

right? And, um... We went along to

58:40

the thing and Robbie was there and

58:42

I've met Robbie once before and my

58:44

wife had never met Robbie, my wife

58:46

is British and Robbie walks up and

58:48

he goes, oh you're tasey, oh you're

58:50

so beautiful, oh look at you, aren't

58:52

you really, you're really beautiful, aren't you?

58:55

My wife was floating. It was like

58:57

just, oh thanks, because this is a

58:59

big pop star, she was, she was.

59:01

glowing. Yeah, she was like, oh he's

59:03

violating. He's wonderful, Robbie, wonderful, ah, I like

59:05

this, right? And I, as a man, you

59:07

do this, it's all right, but he, if

59:09

I can, Robbie Williams wants to fuck me,

59:11

he misses. I've done a right for myself.

59:13

There's an element of pride as a guy.

59:15

You go, that's good. Good. Yeah, you can't,

59:17

you want, you want the celebrity to want

59:19

to fuck your girlfriend not to follow her

59:21

through? No, not to follow through, but I

59:23

was like this, I was like, well, you

59:25

know, funny, funny gets the women, you know,

59:27

I was like, yeah, my wife. So it

59:29

is, it's a badge of honour that your,

59:32

your pop star is attracted to your wife,

59:34

right? And I was, my girlfriend was there,

59:36

so like, you know. I wish you'd dress something

59:38

a little sludier for Robbie's eye. He

59:40

didn't say anything to your girlfriend. No,

59:42

we're still dealing with that as a

59:44

couple. Oh, right. Is that been mentioned?

59:46

No, I was like, you could have

59:48

hoarded up a little bit for Robbie.

59:50

I'm fucking embarrassed. So anyway, so, so

59:52

I, the double standard, imagine if I

59:54

went to a pop concert with my

59:56

wife and let's say Taylor Swift walked

59:58

walked up to me. in front of

1:00:00

my wife and went, God you're handsome,

1:00:03

you're so fucking hot. Look how hot

1:00:05

this guy is. And then point at

1:00:07

one of the dancers, one of the

1:00:09

female friends, how hot's this guy? This

1:00:11

guy's fucking hot. My wife wouldn't be

1:00:13

like, my husband's handsome, no way in

1:00:15

the world. Taylor Swift would be a

1:00:18

fucking bitch. Right? And then if

1:00:20

I was to bring it up

1:00:22

ever again, like I'd had this

1:00:24

wonderful bit of information where Taylor

1:00:26

Swift said I was like, but

1:00:28

I'd be never allowed to tell

1:00:31

the story again. That's such a

1:00:33

traumatic event to women, Dolly Parton

1:00:35

wrote a song about it. That's

1:00:37

literally Jolleen. Yeah, like like Daisy

1:00:39

rang up her mother, imagine if

1:00:42

I rang up my dad the next day

1:00:44

and went, yeah, you know, the one,

1:00:46

the Shake it off girl, thinks I'm

1:00:48

hot. Yeah, yeah, fucking. Now, I have a

1:00:50

story about this, which I do in

1:00:52

stand up, so I probably, I might

1:00:54

be bothered doing it here, but this,

1:00:57

this is the thing that got

1:00:59

me canceled in Australia. You've been

1:01:01

canceled in Australia? I had

1:01:03

my big news statement. Why I had

1:01:05

my big news. Why you moved out

1:01:07

and came in? Yeah, well, I had

1:01:10

a fight with the newspaper. Well, I

1:01:12

was doing a bit. Oh, yes, yes,

1:01:14

yes, I remember this. I remember this.

1:01:16

and she sent him like a couple

1:01:18

hundred grand. And then he never came

1:01:20

to Australia, the whole thing was a

1:01:22

scam. That was Mr. Friday, we're in

1:01:24

love. Men of pigs. Yeah. And it

1:01:26

got like, it became a big story

1:01:28

because the guy went on the news

1:01:30

and everything and he started to go

1:01:32

fund me for his mom. And it was

1:01:34

like, my mom got love scanned and our

1:01:37

family's rebuilding. We've lost a

1:01:39

couple hundred thousand dollars. And if

1:01:41

you could do anything. And my take. on the

1:01:43

stage was your mom is a woman in her

1:01:45

70s, you know, a wealthy Western woman who could

1:01:47

have met a bloke at the Bowles Club at

1:01:49

her own age, but she wanted to get fucked

1:01:51

by a handsome black guy from Ghana, as we

1:01:53

all do, right? So she's got some 21 year

1:01:55

old because she wants, you know, handsome good dick.

1:01:57

When she got scammed,

1:01:59

more for her, keep your

1:02:01

mouth shut. If there was

1:02:04

an old man who sent 19

1:02:06

year old Thai girl, 200 grand and

1:02:08

she stole it, no one would

1:02:10

go start a GoFundMe page for Steve.

1:02:12

He was ripped off, they'd go,

1:02:14

well done to that woman. He's a

1:02:16

pedophile. Steve, go back to the

1:02:18

house and get some from Carolyn. He's

1:02:21

a pedophile. And good on her,

1:02:23

but as soon as it's an old

1:02:25

woman, they're like, oh, it's so

1:02:27

sad. What happened? She's a fucking, she's

1:02:29

a greedy Western whore who should

1:02:31

be all right. Okay. And that's where

1:02:33

I lost it. Yeah.

1:02:35

Greedy Western whore. I didn't say

1:02:37

it went well. I got canceled

1:02:40

for a reason. We're one of

1:02:42

the few people who get to

1:02:44

call people cunts and you've even,

1:02:46

you could have used that avenue.

1:02:49

You think greedy Western whore is worse?

1:02:51

She's a dumb cunt who I

1:02:53

think is a dumb cunt is better

1:02:56

than greedy Western whore. Would you

1:02:58

rather be called a dumb cunt or

1:03:00

a greedy Western whore? It sounds

1:03:02

like something a Russian state media would

1:03:04

say. Greedy Western whore. Comes off,

1:03:06

she wants a big black dick. That's

1:03:08

what Vladimir Putin puts into Pornhub.

1:03:10

And then she gets money taken off

1:03:12

her. Greedy Western whore. How

1:03:14

many countries is that the number

1:03:17

one search in Pornhub? Western whore.

1:03:19

Western whore. I like Saudi Arabia.

1:03:22

Do you reckon ATM will get taken down? Do you

1:03:24

think people will figure out? Like, I think it'll be

1:03:26

all right, the ATM. Will you ask the mouth? No,

1:03:28

yeah, well, we're going to have a segment in future

1:03:30

episodes calls. Is this person talking out of their ass

1:03:32

or this person talking out of their mouth? We got

1:03:34

a lot of different ideas. Yeah. How about, um, how

1:03:36

about Whittles? Whittles for

1:03:38

the podcast? Yeah, Whittles is a good name,

1:03:40

but ATM, I think, is going to reach more

1:03:42

people. Because more people

1:03:45

will know my mother -in -law knew. I

1:03:47

said, we're going to call it ATM. And I

1:03:49

said, it's actually a search for it. She

1:03:51

goes, oh, I know. And I was like, my

1:03:53

girlfriend's such an innocent Midwestern girl. She was

1:03:55

like, well, I Google it.

1:03:57

It's like, awful. Oh, yeah. She

1:04:00

goes, it's like, it's like they put it in

1:04:02

the bum and then into the mouth. That's so,

1:04:04

that's why would you want to, why do you

1:04:06

want to make that the title? Well, it's funny

1:04:08

because when I was with your girlfriend, she thought

1:04:10

different. I don't know, I don't know,

1:04:12

Robbie Williams doesn't think she's hot, so, you

1:04:14

know, it's what you got to deal with.

1:04:16

Actually, yeah, you've picked up our confidence there.

1:04:19

Jim Jeffrey, he said he'd fucking your ass

1:04:21

and put your ass and put it in

1:04:23

your ass and put in your mouth. Chin

1:04:25

up. Someone's, someone's got notice, hey. He's more

1:04:27

known than Robbie Williams in America. Yeah, true

1:04:29

that, true that. I tell you what, if

1:04:31

Tazy had the Robbie Williams saying that she

1:04:34

was beautiful in London, would have meant

1:04:36

more? No, I'm not better known than

1:04:38

Robbie Williams in America. I reckon Robbie

1:04:40

Williams could still go from town and

1:04:43

town in some more tickets than I

1:04:45

bloody do. Let's lay the gauntlet now.

1:04:47

I think Robbie's too busy doing arenas.

1:04:49

I think in America in other things

1:04:51

why would you bother selling a

1:04:53

few thousand tickets here if that's

1:04:55

what he sells when he can

1:04:57

sell big arenas in Australia and

1:05:00

Britain like like women of a

1:05:02

certain age 40 and over Robbie

1:05:04

is the the fucking the king cheeky

1:05:06

chappy and he's a nice guy

1:05:08

wonderful thanks my wife I mean

1:05:10

we've got no platform really yet

1:05:12

but go and watch the fucking

1:05:14

thing it's I watched some Oscar

1:05:16

movies yes to tie it all back up

1:05:18

to the fires m There is no sympathy

1:05:20

for the city anymore and that's because we've

1:05:22

always been bad people here but we're bad

1:05:24

people who made great movies. We don't even

1:05:26

make good movies anymore. So if you watch

1:05:28

all the Oscar nominated films this year, most

1:05:30

of them are shit. Most TV shows are

1:05:32

a rehash for a marvel. if LA starts

1:05:35

creating good films again we will get sympathy

1:05:37

from the rest of the country. Well that

1:05:39

would be the first thing I would do

1:05:41

with this town because I love LA right

1:05:43

but I'm thinking and leaving right because the

1:05:45

taxes are too high and the work that

1:05:47

you do get is never in town right so I

1:05:49

filmed a movie in Albuquerque I filmed a TV show

1:05:51

up in Portland I've you know what I mean and

1:05:54

that's all my acting work but it used to

1:05:56

be that you made things here and everything

1:05:58

was made here they got to give tax breaks

1:06:00

back to the entertainment business, they've got to get

1:06:02

the entertainment business back into town because that's why

1:06:04

the tourists come because they want to see where

1:06:06

the movies are made. And the only things that

1:06:08

are made here now are things that are in

1:06:11

studios. Even game shows now are being made in

1:06:13

fucking Dublin and that you think they're being made

1:06:15

here in LA. Well this is the problem. They

1:06:17

go on and on and on about, you know,

1:06:19

we joked about it before, the pedophile cults, the

1:06:21

this to that, the wokeness, that's, that's always... Hollywood

1:06:24

has always been full of that, except they had

1:06:26

such good product and made such good things here

1:06:28

that we kind of let it slide. And

1:06:30

the reason that they're so hated

1:06:32

now is because they're like, you're

1:06:34

doing all these satanic rituals and

1:06:36

there's no good end product. The movies

1:06:38

are shit. Name me an Oscar movie this

1:06:40

year that you've watched. I used to watch Oscar

1:06:43

movies 10 years ago, we knew all of

1:06:45

them and we had an opinion. Have they

1:06:47

been, have the nominations come out? Then how would

1:06:49

I know which ones? Well, you know

1:06:51

the Golden Globe ones? She's the same.

1:06:54

Wicked. Was wicked in there? Wicked

1:06:56

was in there. All right, I watched

1:06:58

Wicked. There was that Demi Moore

1:07:00

movie, which was fine. Which he

1:07:02

births herself. Which she births a

1:07:04

younger version of herself. Yeah, yeah,

1:07:06

yeah. What other ones are? The Jackie

1:07:08

or a filming nerd? The

1:07:10

brutalist, that's another Holocaust, maybe

1:07:13

we've seen that. Let's get

1:07:15

an Armenian Holocaust film. Where

1:07:17

are they? We could make that locally.

1:07:20

It's always the same holocaust,

1:07:22

one holocaust to pick from.

1:07:24

Why are you abandoning it? I

1:07:26

know the things that get you in

1:07:29

trouble. You're not saying... You don't bring

1:07:31

it up. I'm bringing up

1:07:33

the Armenian genocide. And they

1:07:35

deserve to be heard. What have you

1:07:37

got a big audience in Istanbul? I'm

1:07:39

sure they have them. I'm sure they

1:07:41

have. I'm actually, I actually am performing

1:07:43

an Istanbul this year. That's why you're

1:07:45

not going with me on the Armenian

1:07:47

stuff. You're looking for those fucking Turkey

1:07:49

A sales. Oh, I'm getting, yeah. That's

1:07:51

what they, this is what also gives

1:07:53

me the, so let me just. I'm

1:07:55

gonna come back with a fez on

1:07:57

me head. Well, I'm fucking sicker this also.

1:07:59

I still say Turkey. Listen, we don't

1:08:02

say Deutschland, we say Germany. I think

1:08:04

it's, I think country should name their

1:08:06

country in whatever language they want and

1:08:08

we have to repeat it the same

1:08:10

way that they say it. Right, so I've

1:08:13

never understood why Deutschland, over Germany,

1:08:15

if they want to call it

1:08:17

Deutschland, I'll call it Deutschland. But

1:08:19

they don't have a push into

1:08:21

that. But Wales wants to be

1:08:24

Kamere, now. Oh, silly country, Wales.

1:08:26

I've been to Wales. It's a

1:08:28

silly place. Too small for their

1:08:31

language. What are you, bloody year?

1:08:33

It's a small island. You want

1:08:35

to have your own language. And

1:08:37

the language isn't good telephone. Yeah. Like that

1:08:40

type of stuff, what are you doing, Wales?

1:08:42

Stop it. And they all love a sing,

1:08:44

they all think they can sing. Last topic,

1:08:46

well we're going to do, count of the

1:08:48

week. Can't of the week. Jack's going to

1:08:50

write a theme song. Do you know, do

1:08:52

you? We'll put this out to the public.

1:08:54

Can you write us a theme song for

1:08:56

count of the week? We'll be accepting submissions

1:08:58

for count of the week. What needs to

1:09:00

happen in the song is we need to

1:09:03

hear the words. Can't of the week, or

1:09:05

whatever melody you want to use. It could

1:09:07

be game showy, probably game showy, or do you

1:09:09

want to be heavy metal? Cut of the week, cut of

1:09:11

the week, cut of the week, cut of the week, cut

1:09:13

of the week, cut of the week, cut of the week,

1:09:15

cut, cut, cut. That's one of the options. See, I

1:09:17

just think, cut, cut, done, done, done, done, done. That's

1:09:19

obviously jeopardy. Don't do jeopardy, we don't do jeopardy. We

1:09:21

don't do jeopardy, we don't do jeopardy, we don't do,

1:09:23

we don't do, we don't do, we don't do, we

1:09:26

don't do, we don't do, we, we don't do, we,

1:09:28

we, we, we, we don't do, we, we, we, we,

1:09:30

we, we, we, don't do, we, we, we, we, we,

1:09:32

we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we Give me one

1:09:34

of those. Yeah, yeah, man. Your mom's gonna

1:09:36

be employee of the month every fucking. She's

1:09:38

gonna have more plaques on a wall than

1:09:40

anybody I've ever seen. Trotts would like that.

1:09:42

It's a bit of a boost. Okay, so before

1:09:45

we finish, we are gonna do count of the

1:09:47

week. I'm glad my mother's dead because it would

1:09:49

be hurtful to say things like that. It's a

1:09:51

horrible thing. Yeah, so your dad would be more

1:09:53

respectful. You would, because you'd be trying to get

1:09:56

the leg over get the leg over get the leg

1:09:58

over. Yeah, kind of the leg over. I mean,

1:10:00

on a just a genuine level here,

1:10:02

we are trying to build a podcast

1:10:04

out for what people like. Maybe we

1:10:06

have a segment where, you know, at

1:10:08

the moment you need help with the

1:10:10

problem, you could write into Jim, he's

1:10:12

wise. Give us feedback on which bits

1:10:14

you liked, which bits you didn't like.

1:10:16

Don't, dad, that's not do that. You

1:10:18

know, I've, I've got a pretty good feeling

1:10:21

myself where I'm going on. I'm not a

1:10:23

better person than you. I've just lived on

1:10:25

this planet longer. I'm just

1:10:27

wiser. that you get nowhere

1:10:29

with some of these comments

1:10:31

but anyway. Carry on. Can

1:10:33

of the week. Can't be a

1:10:36

nation of people just has to

1:10:38

be a one person. Now this

1:10:40

is your segment. I mean let's

1:10:43

be frank this is your show.

1:10:45

No I don't know. I'm splitting

1:10:47

the money 50-50. We all get

1:10:49

zero of zero. We've got

1:10:51

that. Yeah. Jack put down

1:10:54

the board. Put down the

1:10:56

board. Councilations are every man's

1:10:58

on their own. If we were

1:11:00

to look through the week, here's

1:11:02

some nominees. Any insurance company that's

1:11:04

saying they're not going to pay

1:11:07

out for the fires, they could

1:11:09

be kind of the week. Massive

1:11:11

counts. Massive counts. If at this

1:11:13

very moment there's a big deal

1:11:15

going on between Israel and Palestine,

1:11:17

there might be a ceasefire. So

1:11:20

I'm going to, I'm going to,

1:11:22

if that fails, they're counts of

1:11:24

the week. Both sides are counts

1:11:26

of the week. I did like

1:11:28

when Joe Biden was asked, do you

1:11:31

think the deal will hold? Well, I

1:11:33

mean, it's only been going on for about a

1:11:35

thousand years. I don't know if this is going

1:11:37

to be the deal but then's all deals. The

1:11:39

deal will hold until he's out of government. But

1:11:41

then, so do you believe that the ceasefire has

1:11:44

more to do with Trump or more to do

1:11:46

with Biden? Trump. I think it's more to do

1:11:48

with Biden. I think, because Trump would have waited

1:11:50

until he was in office to do it in

1:11:52

the first week then. He would have said, can

1:11:55

you hold it, can you hold it off for

1:11:57

a few weeks for a few weeks, for a

1:11:59

few weeks, when there was hostages and a type

1:12:01

of stuff to be taken care of, right? So...

1:12:03

I think his transition team has been discussing with

1:12:06

Israel and he has a closer relationship with them

1:12:08

at the moment. and he's be, well, Pibby

1:12:10

Nettin Yahoo said, this is thanks to

1:12:12

Trump, but it is true, he obviously

1:12:14

wants to get favour with Trump, but

1:12:16

listen, the Democratic Party could have stopped

1:12:18

the war a long time ago, Israel

1:12:20

exists because of America. All right, we

1:12:22

don't want this, do we? Who's count

1:12:25

of the week, count of the week?

1:12:27

My nomination for count of the week

1:12:29

is Megan and Harry. That's counts of

1:12:31

the week. They're the counts. They're the

1:12:33

counts. They're the counts. They're multiple. Kuntai.

1:12:35

Did she watch them wandering around the

1:12:37

Pacific Palisades? They care. They are very

1:12:39

important people and they care and you

1:12:41

don't like because you're racist and

1:12:43

you don't like ginger because you're

1:12:45

bigoted. Yeah. But they're bloody wonderful

1:12:47

people. They're part of the Royal

1:12:49

Family, the fabric of our Australian

1:12:51

society, the thing that has held

1:12:54

us up for over... Oh okay,

1:12:56

fuck them then, fuck them, yeah,

1:12:58

counts of the week, for abandoning

1:13:00

the crown first and first and

1:13:02

then to come... a job only

1:13:04

more vacuous than being an actress

1:13:06

which is being an activist where

1:13:08

she wandered around the palisades like

1:13:10

a disaster tourist. You're not an

1:13:12

elected official. Politicians wander around and

1:13:14

go we hope you rebuild. No

1:13:16

one there gives a fuck. You're not

1:13:19

the royal family of America. We

1:13:21

1776th. Yeah, they live in Santa

1:13:23

Barbara. They came down from Santa

1:13:25

Barbara and did a walkthrough while

1:13:28

she's also launching her terrible Martha

1:13:30

Stewart like fucking Netflix show that

1:13:33

they paid her $500 million to do.

1:13:35

Her lifestyle show where she teaches

1:13:37

about Netflix. We don't speak badly

1:13:39

about Netflix. New special coming

1:13:41

soon. I did audition for

1:13:43

Netflix last night. Oh yeah, okay. Can't

1:13:45

of the week? Yeah, I lost them

1:13:47

on the diversity joke. Yeah. Well, you know,

1:13:49

my opening joke to them was, what's the

1:13:51

point of even getting a Netflix special anymore?

1:13:53

You can't even buy a house or go

1:13:56

to a ditty party anymore. There's

1:13:58

no fun in LA left. It went well. I,

1:14:00

I, I look, I was never famous enough

1:14:02

to buy a house in the palisades

1:14:04

and never famous enough to be invited to

1:14:06

ditty. My mediocrity has saved me so

1:14:08

many times. I always said that through the

1:14:10

me too movement, like me having a

1:14:12

small dick stopped me from whipping it out.

1:14:14

Thank God. Small cock meant no dick

1:14:16

out. Yeah, if I, if I went to

1:14:18

Charles parties instead of ditties. Oh,

1:14:22

yeah. And you moved to the valley. Yeah,

1:14:25

I moved to the valley. Yeah. Yeah. You

1:14:27

just gave it past it all. I'm, I'm

1:14:29

all good. I'm all good. It turns out

1:14:31

the thing that gets you is doing this podcast

1:14:33

with me doing it with a crow at

1:14:35

mediocrity energy and now there's been the three

1:14:37

million Croatians just like, what did you see?

1:14:39

What did you see? Zubac for the clip.

1:14:41

The clippers is upset right now. I don't

1:14:43

play for LA no more. Right. They

1:14:45

can't comprehend what we're saying. They're fucked off

1:14:47

their head on a lucky right now. They

1:14:50

don't care. What? What's what? What are the

1:14:52

Croats Croatians is Croat derogatory? No, we call

1:14:54

ourselves the nation of Croats. Okay. So what,

1:14:56

what are they, there was some alcohol. They

1:14:58

were Rakhia. It's just like that rocket fuel

1:15:00

white, you know, every, every

1:15:02

culture on earth has like a heinous

1:15:04

like a grupper heinous grupper that's

1:15:06

like 60 % proof that their grandpa

1:15:09

makes, you know, it's rough. Yeah. It's

1:15:11

moonshine. Yeah. It's good old moonshine. For

1:15:14

those who don't know, Croatia is used

1:15:16

to be in the Yugoslavia. We invented

1:15:18

cravats and the Dalmatian

1:15:20

dog is from there. And in

1:15:22

breeding and Chevabtecchi. Yeah. Well, ladies

1:15:24

and gentlemen, I think we covered a

1:15:26

lot of bases. I hope that this podcast

1:15:28

has brought you some solace in your

1:15:30

life and maybe made you think about your

1:15:33

actions and what you do. We're going

1:15:35

to start up a social page. Instagram will

1:15:37

have a page. If

1:15:39

you, if you like the, I don't

1:15:41

know about that podcast, keep on listening because

1:15:43

this podcast could fail really quickly and

1:15:45

we could go back to that one very

1:15:47

quickly. Right now, forest is somewhere rubbing

1:15:49

his hands together. They all come back. Yeah.

1:15:51

Forest is going, I don't know about

1:15:54

that.