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Hello and welcome

0:57

to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast,

0:59

the number one podcast for those involved

1:01

or just interested in the production of beef

1:04

animals and dairy herds. The

1:05

Beef and Dairy Network podcast

1:07

is the podcast companion to the Beef

1:10

and Dairy Network website as well as the printed

1:12

magazine brought to you by the Milk 7000

1:15

Quantum Edition.

1:16

Now, this episode is my 100th

1:18

as host of the show after

1:20

I took over from former presenter Paul

1:23

Kitesworthy. Yes, it's

1:25

a milestone but I don't want to make a big deal out

1:27

of it.

1:28

I'm looking forward to this evening where there is a

1:30

gala dinner taking place in my

1:32

honour at the Montgolfier Golf Hotel

1:34

and Golf Course and Golf Course.

1:36

How much of

1:38

the gravy did we drink? We

1:42

need to pump out the gravy.

1:44

I'm of course looking forward to the food. For the main course,

1:46

guests can choose between Steak a la Garden Centre or Beef Houses

1:48

of Parliament which will of course be followed by

1:52

the Trout Course. There will also be a

1:55

bottomless tripe fountain, a frozen milk luge and entertainment

1:57

from the brass band of the evening.

1:59

R&L i.

2:01

Of course with the R&L i there is usually the

2:03

danger that the brass band will be called away to see

2:06

at any moment but I've slipped

2:08

them each an extra tenor and they've said they'll

2:10

turn off their mobile phones.

2:11

Can

2:14

you hear me? How much gravy

2:16

did you drink? Hello

2:19

hello what's your name? Do

2:21

you have a name sir? We

2:23

need to know how much gravy you've drunk. So

2:25

for today's show obviously we thought about doing

2:27

a sort of tribute show filled with well-wishing

2:30

messages an inspirational montage of my

2:32

best moments maybe a high-profile guest

2:34

to talk about the impact that my work has had on

2:36

the beef and dairy industries

2:38

but myself and the team behind the show decided

2:40

that the best tribute to the past hundred episodes

2:43

would be to carry on with our laser-focused

2:46

mission to cover the latest news from

2:48

the beef and dairy industries.

2:51

I'm gonna stop you there.

2:52

Oh oh sorry

2:54

really I'm just I'm just recording the intro.

2:57

Yeah I know but

3:00

happy hundred to you.

3:03

Look

3:06

we we did have a meeting about this and we said

3:08

we weren't gonna do any special stuff.

3:10

I know

3:11

but I feel like you know you never celebrate yourself

3:13

and I thought it'd be really nice just to kind of be

3:16

happy about what you've achieved over the

3:17

past hundred months. That's actually really nice.

3:19

That's actually really nice.

3:21

Okay you're welcome. So yeah

3:23

open the box in front of you. Oh

3:25

I'd wondered what this was. Okay oh

3:28

you've got okay

3:31

just so the listener understands what's happening. You've

3:33

bought me a lovely

3:35

looking cake. Yeah

3:39

that's so nice. Just so the listener understands

3:41

kind

3:42

of what's happening here. You don't normally get to

3:44

to hear this. What you're hearing is

3:46

one of the team. Just to

3:48

paint the picture we're in the studio and she's behind the glass

3:51

talking to me over the talkback system. She's

3:53

been there for the past hundred episodes

3:55

as well. Yeah loving it. And

3:58

maybe it's time to give you a bit of a shout out.

4:00

Oh, thank you. That's so nice.

4:02

Yeah, well, so I just

4:05

want to say it's just been an honour, past 100 episodes.

4:08

I've loved it. And also for their

4:10

listener at home to let them know that the

4:12

cake is actually a beef torte.

4:18

Oh, yeah. Oh, nice. Right.

4:21

What, so it's

4:23

what this cake is actually made of?

4:25

Of beef. Yeah, beef. Yeah. Yeah,

4:29

honestly, it's amazing what you

4:31

can do these days with milk beef flour.

4:33

Sorry, did you say,

4:35

did you say milled beef flour?

4:37

Yeah,

4:38

yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a really interesting process,

4:40

actually. It's like, once you've got

4:42

all the meat that you can off the,

4:46

you know, off the animal, it's like the remaining

4:48

bits of meat from the carcass and they kind of scrape

4:51

it all off, dry it in a kiln and

4:54

it creates this really, like, beautiful

4:56

flour. So, yeah, and we've also got 100

4:59

candles on top, which take ages, but

5:02

you're worth it, you know. So anyway, I

5:04

guess the idea is that I'm going to like, yeah,

5:07

okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's

5:09

go. Yeah,

5:13

it's so cute. Wow, it's

5:18

really kicking off some heat. Oh yeah,

5:20

yeah, that's deliberate. So the

5:23

idea is that like, the look from the candles crisps

5:26

up the top layer of beef. Right. Oh

5:29

yeah, sorry, I have to say also, they're edible tallow

5:31

candles. Wow, yeah. Look, it's quite

5:34

a lot of fumes. Oh, hang on.

5:36

And that's quite a lot of flame, isn't it? Yeah, hang on.

5:38

Actually, I think, I think this is getting out of hand.

5:41

Don't panic. That's too much fire. Oh my,

5:44

oh my god, it's a tearing beefcake conferno.

5:46

Okay, okay, that shouldn't be happening. I thought we

5:48

had a sprinkler system.

5:49

It's gonna kick in. Any

5:52

second. Oh my god, the sprinklers

5:54

are firing out hot gravy. Oh god, okay. Hot

5:56

gravy! That's not right. That's

5:59

not right.

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milk. Right, you'll edit around that bit when

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the studio's on fire and I'm being showered

6:33

by Love Heart gravy, really. Yeah,

6:35

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, honestly, don't worry Anna, I'm

6:38

so sorry, the beef tallow candles

6:40

kind of created a

6:41

fat explosion, didn't they? They did create

6:44

a fat explosion. Yeah. Which I was absolutely

6:46

at the epicenter of, so. I know,

6:48

but you know, you did look really,

6:52

really, like, fit, weirdly.

6:55

Oh yeah? Yeah. They could

6:57

be suited you? What, like a kind of action hero,

6:59

sort of like coming out of the flame, that kind of thing.

7:02

Yeah, sort of. Yeah.

7:04

Yeah, you kind of looked like Stephen Segal.

7:07

Wow. Yeah. I'm

7:09

taking that as a compliment. It is one.

7:13

Right, we better get on with it. So, okay. So,

7:16

this month, I

7:18

spoke. Oh, I was

7:20

thinking, do you want to maybe introduce me,

7:23

like, to the listeners? Oh yeah, I

7:25

mean. That would be really nice. I sort of have, I guess.

7:27

Yeah, like. Shall I do it? I'm

7:30

the producer of the Beef and Dairy Network. Listeners,

7:32

this is, this is Beverly, and

7:35

she's. It's like you're introducing me to

7:38

your parents, isn't it?

7:41

Anyway. Yeah.

7:43

Yeah, so this is Beverly, and she's

7:45

one of the team.

7:49

But you can say my real name now.

7:52

Sorry, what?

7:54

My name's not Beverly, is it? So.

7:59

But. Sadie?

8:02

No. Susan?

8:04

No.

8:08

Joyce?

8:12

Tessa? Yeah, right. No, come on. Just

8:14

say that. Okay, that

8:16

is funny, but you can say my real name now.

8:20

Jonathan Tonsano.

8:24

Kyla! My name's Kyla. Jonathan

8:26

Tonsano. Jonathan

8:30

Tonsano. Kyla, you

8:33

know it is. No, no, I'm joking. It's all a big joke. Yes,

8:35

Kyla, of course. Sorry, I was joking. Jonathan

8:40

Tonsano. Anyway, I

8:42

know we've done the little cake thing, what I have,

8:45

but I just, I

8:47

wanted to do something even more special for the 100 episode.

8:50

No, we said we were just doing a normal episode.

8:53

We just said we were doing a normal episode. Yeah, so anyway,

8:55

this did take quite a lot of work, but I've managed

8:57

to line up a huge interview. Oh,

9:00

right. Okay. Yeah. Who is

9:02

it? Well, I want you to guess. So we've

9:04

talked about this person before as being like the

9:06

big one, and they've finally agreed to do an interview

9:08

over the phone. Oh my God. No.

9:12

Sir Douglas Chope. The inventor

9:15

of the Cordless Afterbirth vacuum. No.

9:17

Butley Spikes. The pioneer of overhand milking.

9:20

No. Not Pauline Tuckshop. No.

9:24

Dr. Pop Sandringham and his singing pig Topsham.

9:26

No, bigger guest than all of them actually. Or

9:29

maybe not bigger than Topsham. He is amazing. Okay.

9:32

So bigger than or equally as

9:34

big as a pig that can sing and

9:36

moonwalk.

9:39

No.

9:41

You didn't get... No.

9:45

Yeah, a former German Chancellor.

9:48

Angela Merkel. Sorry.

9:53

Sorry,

9:55

I just need a moment.

9:57

So, she's got like a brand new

9:59

towel. and she's agreed to

10:01

reveal the details of the new town exclusively

10:03

on the Beef and Dairy Network.

10:04

Oh God. I bet it's a really huge

10:07

bath sheet, probably Egyptian

10:10

cotton, or actually, no, maybe something more patriotic

10:12

like a sort of German reed weave.

10:14

Yeah. Okay, okay. She should be

10:16

on the line for you now. I'm just putting her through. Okay.

10:18

Hello, Angela. Or should I say a former

10:21

Chancellor Merkel, Mrs Merkel, your

10:23

Highness, your Honor? No, that's judges.

10:26

Frowel? Super Frowel? Hello?

10:29

I can't hear

10:31

anything. Hang

10:35

on. Oh no. I think

10:37

the cake's recombusting. It's recombusting.

10:40

How has this been allowed to happen? What

10:42

is?

10:42

How? Oh,

10:45

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11:13

I wield power beyond imagination

11:16

and nothing will stand in my

11:18

way. I'm

11:23

really sorry. I've got those candles that relight

11:26

after you blow them out. I just, I thought it would

11:28

be a fun party thing, but it's just a huge fire

11:30

hazard,

11:30

isn't it? No, no, I get it. Those

11:33

candles are fun. They are fun. That's

11:35

the thing. Yeah. But it has caused

11:37

a huge fire again, but

11:38

the boiling hot gravy does seem to

11:40

have put it out. So it's all right. Listen, is

11:43

Angela still on the line?

11:44

No, I'm sorry. I don't know.

11:46

Let's play your recorded interview and try and get back. Okay.

11:53

So we all remember

11:55

where we were when former editor of the Beef and Dairy

11:57

Network, Paul Keitzworthy, went missing.

12:00

For example, I was in my living room trying

12:02

to work out when it wasn't too early to ring

12:04

and offer my services as a replacement.

12:07

Then in 2019 a body

12:09

was found in Woodland.

12:11

I say a body, it was just a head,

12:13

lungs, liver and anus, which was

12:15

identified as Paul's when the anus

12:17

was sent off to Europol's ANAS,

12:20

the European ANO Notification and

12:22

Analysis System.

12:23

Last week, I caught up with the Chief Investigating

12:26

Officer on Paul's disappearance, DCI

12:28

Dexter Watley and also Paul's brother

12:30

Basil Keitzworthy, who over the past year

12:33

has been trying to create something positive

12:35

out of Paul's death.

12:37

I started by asking Basil to explain

12:39

what he's been doing.

12:43

I felt the loss of my brother seismically.

12:46

I don't think that's an exaggeration. And

12:49

I felt the grief had obliterated me

12:51

and any sort of life or agency

12:53

I had. And after four years

12:56

of that, one feels one's spirit

12:58

eroded rather. So

13:00

I thought there should be something

13:03

more done to honor Paul

13:05

and his work with the Beef and Dairy Network

13:08

and elsewhere. So I

13:10

decided what better way to

13:13

honor

13:13

Paul than to parade what

13:15

we have left of him around the country

13:18

ceremonially so that people could

13:20

salute or sing to

13:22

or shout at, however

13:25

they chose to worship

13:27

a part of Paul. And I thought

13:29

what more iconic element

13:31

of Paul to take out with us than the

13:34

anus, one of only four parts of his

13:36

body recovered. Now,

13:38

I believe Dexter, you received a phone call

13:40

from Basil inquiring about the legality

13:43

of exhuming his brother's anus from the family

13:45

crypt and taking it around the country. Is that the

13:48

kind of call you're used to getting as a policeman? It's

13:50

not, but let's not forget that I'm a detective

13:53

chief inspector. So at Mygrode, you have to be

13:55

aware of that legal

13:58

space

14:01

really and it is perfectly legal for

14:03

a family member to to to

14:05

exhume an anus if that

14:08

anus is already separated

14:10

from the rest of the body so there's no issue. That

14:12

was actually one of my more pleasant moments in

14:15

this whole Fandango frankly it's been very difficult

14:17

this time this whole investigation this loss

14:19

of Paul for me professionally

14:21

and it was nice

14:24

to be able to give the family just a bit of simple clear good

14:26

news absolutely go ahead grab that anus

14:28

I mean if you are listening out there and you wish to exhume

14:31

the anus of a family member if it is intact

14:34

and attached to the rest of the body then you do have to go through

14:36

there is some paperwork it does get a bit arduous

14:38

after that but that was no

14:40

problem the problem is really more

14:42

Basil's after that is finding the right kind of artisan

14:45

to to get that anus back

14:47

in there in good nick for public

14:49

consumption so to speak

14:51

well Basil I must say you know somebody's in

14:53

a very good job on the anus it

14:55

looks wonderful tell me about the process

14:58

of finding someone to

14:59

to do that so

15:00

of course an anus particularly

15:03

a partly decomposed anus can

15:05

be less than appealing prospects to

15:08

handle and as the officer

15:10

correctly states it's very difficult to find a

15:13

craftsman an artisan who can work in

15:15

that medium but I did manage

15:17

to find somebody who worked in pottery

15:20

and somebody was was particularly skilled with lacquer

15:23

and they advised me that

15:25

the best way to preserve Paul's anus

15:28

was to have it lacquered and

15:30

it really has been beautifully lacquered I

15:33

must say it's a it's a wonderful

15:35

tribute to the man I remember it's it's

15:38

golden it's burnished yes burnished golden

15:40

anus that's right it's on a wonderful wooden

15:42

oaken mount it's kind of mounted like

15:45

a like a stag's head that's right if you can imagine

15:47

a sort of a a hod

15:49

carrying bricks but

15:51

with a plaque bearing the name Paul

15:53

Kitesworthy at the base and then

15:56

on the back wall so to speak of the hod

15:59

the mounted gold

15:59

and burnished anus. Mason-Dee-Poole DCI-Watley, what

16:02

do you make of what Basel's done, especially given

16:04

that you've really become emotionally invested in this

16:06

case now? Alan-Yes, I was very moved when

16:09

Basel

16:12

showed me the lacadanus, and

16:15

it's portable, hard. I

16:18

knew that their plans were to make

16:21

a memorial of the anus. What I

16:23

was surprised by was that

16:25

memorial was going to be mobile.

16:27

Mason-Well, yes, and how mobile it has

16:29

become. Basel, what

16:32

you've been doing over the past year or so really is incredible.

16:34

Alan-Thank

16:34

you. Mason-You have on foot

16:37

taken Paul's lacadanus around

16:39

the country,

16:40

displaying it in local beef information

16:42

centres, local libraries, garden centres,

16:45

on a kind of mission really, it seems, to

16:48

let the public remember

16:51

Paul. Alan-Well, as you say, it began as a personal

16:53

mission, and I would approach

16:56

any beef information centre or library

16:58

centre, and really I was in

17:00

a sort of fugue state of grief,

17:03

respect or honour.

17:05

It was a religious experience, certainly, nothing

17:07

less than that. So I began,

17:10

I set off from London after

17:13

many, many miles of walking, carrying this hod

17:15

I ended up in Reading, and the first building

17:17

I came across was the public library, and

17:20

the lady on the desk at first asked

17:22

me if I'd like to register, then she very quickly realised

17:25

that I was in the throes of a religious experience,

17:27

and she looked up at the lacad,

17:31

golden anus, and without

17:34

even reading the plaque, she uttered the words Paul Kitesworthy,

17:38

and very quickly she'd called the other librarians, all

17:40

the other staff cleaners, that sort of thing, around

17:42

her, and they insisted

17:44

that I stay for a day

17:47

or two, maybe a week, just to display

17:49

the hod and its holy

17:52

offering, and allow

17:55

people to come and pay their respects. So

17:57

it became a matter of demand very quickly.

18:00

And it's gone further even than just coming

18:02

to see the anus and quietly

18:04

paying respects. I've got a list here of

18:07

things that the anus has been used for in the last year.

18:10

It's been put at the top of a May

18:12

poll during the May festival in Swindon.

18:16

Somebody swore on it instead of a Bible during a court

18:18

case. That was especially moving, yes. That's

18:20

now allowed. It's been mounted on the

18:22

altar at many weddings over the past year.

18:25

At King Charles' coronation, it was

18:27

in fact looped around one

18:29

of the prongs of the crown that was placed

18:32

upon the king's head.

18:33

I couldn't have asked for

18:35

a better tribute to Paul than that. Now,

18:38

Dexter, when does

18:40

this kind of thing begin to get the attention

18:43

of the police? This thing gained momentum very,

18:45

very quickly, as you can imagine.

18:47

You heard Basil talking there about the fact that

18:50

it sounds startling, that librarian

18:52

recognizing

18:53

Paul.

18:54

But that happens a lot. And actually

18:56

there is... And just to be very clear, Dexter, before you

18:58

go ahead, it's not because he was a man who would bear

19:00

his anus in public. She didn't recognize it having

19:02

seen it before. She knew

19:05

the tone and tamer of his voice. And

19:07

there is something about vocal

19:09

recognition that keys in

19:11

with the brain perfectly. So

19:14

you may have never seen an anus before, but if you

19:16

know the voice, you will recognize the anus and vice versa.

19:19

And because of that, and because

19:21

Basil was walking openly down roads

19:23

and byways and highways,

19:25

listeners of the Beevendary network

19:28

were recognizing Paul from cars and

19:30

bicycles, word spread like

19:33

wildfire. There are of course imitators

19:35

as well. People claimed that calamari

19:37

rings, they'd been served in branches of weatherspoons

19:40

were depictions of

19:42

the holy anus. And somebody

19:44

claimed they had a sort of a shroud of Paul,

19:46

a tablecloth, which they said the

19:48

image of Paul's anus had appeared on.

19:51

But of course it turned out it was just a tablecloth

19:53

that somebody had sat on without wearing any pants.

19:55

So I'll now bring in someone who I believe is

19:57

with you Basil, her name is Raven Moon. Right.

20:00

Yes. Hello, Raven. Now

20:02

you are one of, and let me know

20:04

if I've got this right, you're calling yourself the Sisterhood of the

20:06

Golden Anus. Is that right?

20:07

Sisterhood of the Golden Anus, yes. Yes.

20:10

Right. Can you

20:11

talk about how this started and what

20:13

your organisation is really?

20:14

Oh, well, thank you for asking. So

20:17

I met Basil in Swindon.

20:20

That's right. Yes. One of

20:22

the places where I held

20:24

the Anus in state for some time,

20:26

they were found to have to let go of me, in fact,

20:28

especially Raven.

20:29

That's right. And I mean,

20:32

it's unconnected, but I've been going through a terrible

20:34

patch in my life. I mean, it's not relevant,

20:37

but it's just background. And

20:39

I saw Basil and I saw

20:42

the lack of Anus. And I don't

20:44

know, just, it's like my

20:47

whole world changed in that moment. And I just

20:49

knew that I had

20:51

to follow him and I had to follow the Anus

20:54

and the teachings of the Anus. And everything

20:56

has changed for me since then. And I think all

20:58

of Basil's followers would say the

21:00

same, that just that he

21:02

provides, he and the Anus provide

21:05

guidance and

21:07

sort of where before, you know,

21:09

people, my mortgage is really expensive

21:12

and my life's falling apart and my best friend's

21:14

not talking to me. But the Anus doesn't

21:16

do that. The Anus brings order where

21:18

there was chaos and... It

21:19

sits in beatific silence. That's

21:22

right. Maintaining the status quo

21:24

and bringing harmony to people. That's

21:26

it. That's the effect it seems to have.

21:28

And I just don't know where

21:30

I'd be without it, really. Raven

21:32

is one of the more devout followers. Raven,

21:34

you talk about the teachings of the Anus

21:37

and indeed Basil. So I

21:39

guess what I'm interested in is, to

21:41

what extent is this,

21:43

or could this be described as a cult?

21:46

No, I don't like that word at all. I find that word very

21:48

offensive. It's a collective. It's a collective.

21:50

It's a financially motivated religious collective.

21:53

And I've been in five cults in the past, so

21:55

I know this is definitely not one. Yes,

21:57

and Raven has told me that as far as she's concerned, this

21:59

is absolutely... not a cult. This is not a cult.

22:01

Where she has come to accept that the previous cults

22:03

that she's been involved in. They were cults, but this

22:06

is totally different. Right. DCO

22:09

Watley, obviously people get

22:11

worried about cults and they might call the police about this kind of thing.

22:13

Is this something that's come into your radar? I mean, I

22:15

feel a bit uncomfortable

22:18

talking about

22:19

this, most of all really, because

22:22

you know, Basil and I, over the last

22:25

few years, you know, a relationship

22:27

has developed. I would suggest

22:29

with the greatest of respect to Basil

22:31

that there are some fringe elements around

22:34

him that are

22:36

leaning that way. Sorry, Dexter.

22:39

Remind me, it's your birthday next week, isn't it?

22:42

Yeah, yes. Yes, I thought

22:44

so. I've got something for you, just a little presence,

22:47

but I can wait till after the interview to give it to you.

22:50

Oh, I want to say what it is now, but I don't know

22:52

if I should tell you, ruin the surprise. Well,

22:55

I wonder if we perhaps should. All right, I'll tell you, it's

22:57

this £20,000 in an envelope you said

22:59

you wanted. In

23:03

summary, then, cult is not really a proper

23:05

legal term. In this country,

23:07

we believe in a sentence of proven guilty, nothing has been proven.

23:10

What he's operating is a pilgrimage. It's not a cult, it's definitely

23:12

not a cult, no one has proved it is a cult. And actually, they

23:14

would be liable potentially to slander

23:17

proceedings or liable proceedings were to appear

23:20

in PID. So I would urge the public not to use

23:22

that term again. Okay, well,

23:24

I will refrain from using that term if that's

23:27

legally prudent. But Raven,

23:29

as I say, I'm not going to say the C word, but I'm just going to talk

23:31

about some facts on the ground. Yeah.

23:34

Is it true that you consider yourself now to be Basil's

23:37

wife? As far as we and

23:39

the common law of England

23:42

are concerned, we are husband and wife.

23:44

And then I passed all of the

23:46

money in my bank account over to Basil. Ceremonially.

23:49

Ceremonially. And then that clinched

23:52

the deal. So yes. And

23:54

she is my wife. She is my common

23:58

law wedded wife. which

24:00

is very different to the 20 or 30

24:02

brides of anus who are,

24:05

fulfill some of the duties that might

24:07

at times be considered those of a wife.

24:09

That's right. And they have merged their bank accounts with

24:12

yours as well, but that's, it's sort of different.

24:14

It's bonded their bank accounts to mine. That's right.

24:17

Yes. And Diese, what are you hearing

24:19

that?

24:20

That doesn't ring any alarm bells from a policing

24:23

perspective.

24:24

Oh, Dexter, Dexter, that reminds me. Do you

24:27

remember that gold plated Hyundai I10 you

24:30

were looking at in the dealership the other day?

24:33

Well,

24:33

I don't want to say too much,

24:35

but there's a little surprise in the multi-story

24:38

garage outside the studio. Yes. Thank you. Happy

24:40

birthday. Once again.

24:43

No, no alarm

24:46

bells. No alarm bells. No

24:49

alarm bells. It's just people

24:53

going about their business. Let's keep it small

24:55

state. This is Britain. Okay. And

24:57

I'm a policeman. I police by consent. I'm not,

25:00

I'm not, I'm not political

25:02

police, not secret police. I'm not interfering in

25:04

how people operate perfectly easily

25:06

with their highly

25:09

profitable polygamous marriages.

25:16

More than that interview later. I don't think I've ever heard

25:18

the word anus that many times before. But

25:20

first, hopefully we have Angela Merkel on

25:23

the line. Sorry, I don't know where she's gone.

25:25

I think she said she was going to town off some

25:27

garden furniture after a rain shower.

25:29

God's sake, why can't she just let them air dry?

25:33

Sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Okay.

25:36

More after this.

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26:03

slash beef.

26:08

Okay, still no Angular, but

26:10

we did another little special something for this special

26:13

episode. You didn't! We

26:15

did! You didn't! We did!

26:18

You asked a composer to compose a bespoke

26:21

musical theatre number about how important I am to the professional

26:23

beef media landscape and then engaged a

26:25

full Hollywood orchestra and a cast of 60 including

26:28

a hologram of Angela Lansbury to perform and record

26:30

it. Um,

26:32

no.

26:35

No, we asked a few former guests to

26:37

leave you a voicemail.

26:39

Oh, great.

26:43

Hello, Janet Bingham here, mother of

26:45

the late and much-loved Warren. Thank

26:48

you so much for the invite to dinner to celebrate 100

26:50

episodes. Can't

26:53

make it, unfortunately. Got a guy here sorting

26:55

the Wi-Fi and that has to take precedence. I'm

26:57

sure you'll understand.

26:58

Hello, Reverend

27:00

Hillary Block here. Blessed

27:02

congratulations on the 100 eps

27:05

and blessed thanks

27:06

for my invitation to the gala dinner held

27:08

in your honour. I, for one, would

27:10

be delighted to come. Unfortunately,

27:14

I can't. My internet is on the fritz. I'll be waiting for the AOL

27:16

technician to come and reinstall a new CD-ROM in the router.

27:19

Blessed sorry.

27:20

Amen.

27:22

Um, hello. This is, uh, Theresa

27:24

Becton. I'm a youth worker or

27:26

at one point I was a youth worker. Now

27:28

I would

27:29

describe myself as a lady of leisure. And

27:32

I was just sending this

27:34

message to say congratulations. I'm

27:37

very proud of you on your many episodes

27:39

that you've done. I

27:42

would have loved to come to the gala dinner, but unfortunately,

27:44

um, put it down. Sorry,

27:48

um, there's just somebody put it. Sorry.

27:51

For goodness

27:53

sake. I'm trying to sort my Wi-Fi.

27:56

I've had this guy come round to try

27:58

and sort out the Wi-Fi, but actually. When

28:00

he got here he said, you don't have Wi-Fi. Well,

28:03

if I don't have Wi-Fi, what have I been using? So

28:07

it's been quite a mystery. Put

28:11

it down. Sorry,

28:13

it's one of the children working

28:16

for me at the moment. How was that

28:18

flat white? Make it again. Hi, this

28:21

is Paulie York, relationship expert. I

28:23

just want to congratulate you on 100 episodes

28:26

of Real Achievement. Really annoyingly,

28:28

I can't make it dinner because

28:30

I'm just on my way back home to

28:33

let a guy in, he's going to look at the Wi-Fi

28:35

because I've been having an absolute nightmare with

28:37

it. He keeps dropping out. I've tried factory

28:40

research. I've tried checking to see if it's overcrowded,

28:42

the signal that is, not my

28:45

house, and turns out it's not. So

28:47

no idea. The only time you can do it is the exact time

28:49

that your dinner is on, for

28:53

the duration of the dinner and then he's going

28:55

to leave. Sorry, I can't make it, but

28:57

I hope it's an overwhelming success,

28:59

as I'm sure it will be. Best wishes.

29:07

Hello, Melanie Hancatch

29:10

here from Hancatch PR. I

29:12

just wanted to congratulate you on the 100 episodes.

29:16

I'd love to be there with you, but I am still currently

29:19

trapped in Ted Danson's mansion.

29:22

He's on. Oh my God. I'm

29:25

hiding out in the mezzanine pantry. He's

29:27

on an absolute rampage. I think his

29:29

Wi-Fi stopped working and it absolutely turned

29:32

him rat wild. If

29:34

anyone can find me, oh my God, oh

29:36

my God, if anyone can find

29:37

me, go to the very

29:39

centre of his land. He'll

29:41

tell you it's due northwest. It is not.

29:44

If you hit the big tree with the horrible

29:47

crows, you've gone too far. Somebody! Can

29:49

you hear me? How much gravy

29:51

did you drink?

29:56

Hello, beef and dairy

29:59

is me.

29:59

I'm so

30:02

sorry that I couldn't be there or

30:04

listen to a single episode ever. I'm

30:07

busy,

30:07

I live in Singapore. I've got

30:09

a man coming around to look at my router. You

30:12

would not believe how good the internet

30:14

is over here. You can download

30:16

Flubber

30:17

like that.

30:21

Have you watched Ghostbusters Afterlife?

30:30

Hang on, so is anyone coming to my dinner? Well,

30:32

there's the RNA Libros Band. Apart from

30:35

the people who are paying to be there.

30:39

Your wife is coming?

30:43

So the thing with my wife is she's

30:45

gone to stay with her

30:47

sister. Oh no. And

30:51

I thought everything was okay and then I

30:53

got a text this morning saying

30:56

that she wants to be taken off the council tax. So

30:59

that I can get the single person discount,

31:02

which is 25% off.

31:06

And also, I

31:08

tried to

31:10

log on to Netflix earlier to watch Beef Warriors

31:12

and

31:15

my login, it's her account, but

31:17

my login's not. I

31:19

think she's taking me off the Netflix.

31:23

Which feels like a sign, doesn't it?

31:27

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

31:29

I mean, that's basically over,

31:31

isn't it? I'm really sorry

31:33

that you had to find out like that. I mean, that's not necessarily

31:36

how it is.

31:38

I'd say that's definitely what it is.

31:40

To me,

31:42

that reads as like, this is definitely

31:44

over, but spread

31:47

your wings. This

31:49

is actually really helpful because I've been having a hard time kind of

31:53

coming to terms with like what, like

31:56

she's never said like it's over. Like

31:59

she screamed.

32:00

She came in and she screamed like, I've had enough of

32:02

the constant focus on beef in our lives. I

32:04

don't like beef and I've never liked beef. And I was like,

32:07

I don't believe you. And then they brought her

32:09

a guided tour of the Panaman Sausage Factory

32:12

for her

32:13

wedding anniversary. And then

32:18

I found out that she didn't go. She

32:20

doesn't like beef. That's really sad.

32:22

I mean, I

32:24

love it.

32:26

I love beef. Right.

32:29

So,

32:31

gala dinner-wise,

32:34

what, it's just going to be me

32:36

watching a brass band on me? You can't watch a

32:38

brass band on your own, not

32:40

unless you're like a dictator.

32:43

It's weird. It's kind of the kind of thing Robert Mugabe

32:45

used to do. I can't watch a brass

32:48

band on my own.

32:49

No. I mean, yeah, well, you know, luckily

32:51

you don't have to because, you know, I'll be there.

32:54

Will

32:54

you? Yeah, I think it's going to be really

32:57

nice. Like, there's going to be the

32:59

tripe fountain. We can like dangle

33:02

our legs in and, you

33:04

know, you

33:04

can like playfully splash me if

33:06

you want and sort

33:09

of gently remove the tripe from my lips.

33:13

What? So just

33:14

you and me?

33:16

Yeah. And the brass band

33:18

and the tripe fountain. A candlelight. Yeah.

33:24

You know, we can just like giggle and you can,

33:27

you know, I can put your hand on my

33:29

leg. What

33:34

do you think? I think it sounds really sexy.

33:42

Is it getting a bit hot in here? Do you feel that? Yeah,

33:44

yeah, it's nice. Yeah.

33:47

Yeah. No, I think the tallow candles have

33:50

caught again. I think they've re-lit themselves again. Sorry,

33:52

I don't think we put enough gravy on them last

33:54

time. Yeah. Oh no. Oh

33:56

God. Oh God. Shit.

33:58

God, the flames are even higher.

33:59

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34:03

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It's Blazing Fast.

34:35

The pilgrimage of the Golden Anus continued to

34:37

grow through the early part of 2023, until it

34:40

reached its zenith in June when over 100,000

34:43

acolytes of the anus descended on London's Hyde

34:46

Park,

34:47

where the anus was lifted from its wooden hod

34:50

and put on top of a 200 foot high Golden

34:52

Plinth.

34:53

I asked DCI Dexter Watley whether this

34:55

huge influx of people was a challenge for the police,

34:58

especially given that the American rocker Bruce Springsteen

35:01

was himself playing a concert in the park at

35:03

the same time. That complicated things were

35:05

with Bruce Springsteen doing

35:07

a concert with the rock band Squeeze,

35:11

so that had quite a heavy attendance

35:13

as well. Do you think that Bruce Springsteen

35:15

playing with Squeeze as a backing band is more of

35:17

a draw or less of a draw than just Bruce Springsteen and

35:20

the E Street band? We saw

35:22

a lot of what we called musical rubbernecking.

35:23

There was a morbid fascination with

35:25

what the results would be. It

35:29

actually was quite a big draw. I guess people

35:32

are thinking, is he going to be playing like Bruce Springsteen

35:34

hits or is he actually going to be playing the hits of Squeeze with

35:36

Squeeze? Is it a new collaboration? We don't

35:38

know. The thing that really irritated the audience

35:41

because the audience was largely English was that

35:44

actually the concert was pretty good. They

35:48

didn't know how to deal with that. That

35:50

resulted in some aggression that needed

35:54

to find its way out somehow so that there did end

35:56

up being a bit of argy-bargy between the music

35:58

crowd and the music.

35:59

the anus crowd. So

36:02

there was some policing

36:04

was needed, put it that way. And

36:07

we don't take sides as

36:10

police. We are after law and

36:12

order. Well, it's interesting you

36:14

see that because contemporary reports seem

36:16

to suggest that the police did take a side

36:19

and chose to side with

36:21

the acolytes of the anus.

36:23

One system of policing with

36:26

riots, major crowds is do you try

36:28

and disperse them? Do you try and calm

36:31

the atmosphere? Do you try and separate them into different

36:33

funnels into the city? Or

36:35

do you team up

36:37

with one mob and decimate

36:40

the other mob? And

36:43

we did choose that avenue

36:45

on this occasion. So we did team

36:47

up with the team anus and

36:50

quelled the Springsteen squeeze crowd very

36:52

rapidly

36:53

indeed. And as I say, we're not taking sides.

36:55

I mean, it was my call

36:58

which way we went down. I mean, there

37:00

were discussions I had with Basil. I did

37:03

open a channel of communication with Springsteen

37:05

and the squeeze people. They didn't get

37:07

back to me. They

37:08

were playing a concert to be fair at the time. Perhaps

37:11

that's why. So that

37:12

dialogue didn't happen. But we

37:14

were only too happy to help. And of course,

37:17

our principal interest was in venerating Paul

37:19

and in keeping the occasion

37:21

peaceful and happy. So a great

37:24

deal of the heavier set

37:27

members of our organization did

37:30

lay in pretty hard. I

37:32

headbutted three women. That's

37:34

very true. We were all very, very proud

37:36

of you. But as I

37:38

like to say, we converted as many as we maimed.

37:41

And then at the end of the night, this

37:44

incredible occurrence took place. Some

37:46

have described it as a miracle where

37:48

the anus began to, on the

37:51

top of its gold plinth, began to

37:53

emanate a kind of pink

37:55

light. It began to pulse outwards

37:58

and then a very strong

37:59

concentrated laser beam

38:02

shot out of the anus, hitting Bruce

38:04

Springsteen in the chest. SL.

38:06

Yes, that was a shock to

38:08

all of us, not least me. I

38:11

did find out later that one of

38:14

our followers had stolen

38:17

an extremely experimental energy

38:19

weapon and smuggled

38:21

it into our gathering. But

38:23

at the moment we were convinced that what we were seeing was

38:26

a genuine miracle.

38:27

So they fired it off the anus, like sort of ricocheted

38:30

the laser beam off the anus, or they deployed from

38:32

the London Eye I gather and ricocheted

38:34

off the angles were

38:37

perfect. SL. The anus was used

38:39

as a sort of viewfinder, as a

38:43

focal point for targeting the

38:45

energy weapon from one of the pods on the London

38:48

Eye. Of course, a moving pod, so

38:50

even more of a skillful shot than you might think. SL. It was

38:52

skillful. And of course, I mean, that

38:54

experimental weapon is technically unregistered.

38:57

SL. On an

38:57

unrelated note, Dexter, sorry,

38:59

I've got these tickets for that red letter day outing on that helicopter

39:02

you wanted. SL. The

39:04

Chinook. SL. The Apache. SL. So

39:08

there'll be no further action taken with regards to

39:11

the experimental

39:16

energy weapon. SL. Well, I still think

39:18

it is a miracle. I've been presented with

39:20

all of this evidence,

39:25

so-called that it

39:28

was one of our own group, Mary, I

39:30

believe, that had commandeered this

39:34

energy weapon. SL. Evigidly. SL. I

39:36

actually think it was a miracle,

39:38

and maybe it was a miracle acting through Mary,

39:41

but a miracle nonetheless. And

39:43

if Bruce Springsteen

39:45

had to die, then he had to die. SL.

39:47

I should say, legally speaking, he technically

39:50

isn't legally dead, because his

39:52

body is still too hot to be approached

39:56

by a physician. SL. Unfortunately,

39:58

several paramedics were vaporised.

40:00

when they attempted to touch and resuscitate the body

40:02

of Bruce Springsteen. Yes.

40:04

He will probably only cool down

40:06

enough to be certified dead and they estimate

40:08

in 52,000 years. That's right.

40:11

All in a good cause though. That's right.

40:14

He's in fact so hot that people

40:17

are suggesting that they might connect him to the national grid

40:19

and that he might be able to

40:22

power Northumberland indefinitely.

40:24

Praise the anus. Praise the anus.

40:33

Right. Now this next bit is going to be a little bit delicate,

40:37

shall we say. The reason

40:39

why this interview is

40:41

taking place, Basil, is because

40:44

DCI Watley contacted me and

40:46

said

40:47

that there was something that he

40:49

had to tell you

40:52

and that he needed to tell the world

40:54

and that he felt it should be done in a public forum.

40:57

And I agreed that the Beef and Dairy Network would

40:59

be a good place for this to happen.

41:01

Dexter,

41:04

what is this? Well

41:06

it's regarding what, as

41:08

you know, we've discussed many times, I've

41:11

always felt haunted by the fact that we never truly

41:14

got to the bottom of what happened to Paul. Yes,

41:16

yes.

41:17

Even at the very beginning, it was very distressing.

41:19

You were very strong about it. I mean the fact that he was,

41:21

I mean, yes, his

41:24

head was there, his lungs were there, his liver were there, but they were

41:26

all in such a state that we had to use the anus

41:28

to identify and that's the only thing

41:30

we could

41:31

do. And as

41:34

I've talked about on the podcast, on this podcast

41:38

in the past, we at the time, we

41:40

used anus, which

41:43

many people know is the European

41:46

anal identification system. It's a

41:48

brilliant, huge database that

41:51

we were at risk of being excluded from with

41:54

Brexit and lo and behold, we have been excluded

41:56

from. And I mean, I don't want to go over

41:58

the same ground, but we're now alone.

41:59

left with BRS. And

42:02

just to make things clear for any listeners

42:04

who don't know what the deal is with ANAS, ANAS,

42:07

the ANO notification and analysis system

42:09

based in Lyon, in France, had

42:12

this massive, I believe 800 million ANIS's

42:14

on the database, is that right? Yes. The

42:17

amount of ANO capture was massive. I

42:19

mean, if you were arrested, the smallest misdemeanor,

42:23

border controls, you name it,

42:25

marriage certificates, whatever it might be, the

42:28

reach was extraordinary, the cooperation was superb

42:30

and they have this huge, they still have in

42:32

Europe all this database

42:34

of ANIS's and the ANIS's,

42:37

the records are kept in perpetuity. And then

42:39

in contrast to that, the British system now, BRS,

42:42

the British ANIS registration service

42:45

is voluntary use. It's essentially

42:47

just a filing cabinet somewhere. As

42:50

three people work for BRS, they

42:52

go door to door asking for voluntary

42:55

ANO donations. Most people slam

42:57

the door in their face and they've

42:59

got very different skill sets, the three.

43:02

So one will do a crayon rubbing of

43:04

your ass. Another one is

43:06

an English literature A level

43:08

teacher who burnt out and she

43:11

just does it in prose, describes your ANIS

43:14

in prose. The

43:17

other one works in various

43:19

media, sometimes acrylics, sometimes

43:22

black and white photography, sometimes

43:25

it uses doughs to make casts

43:28

and sort of bakes them. It's

43:30

absolutely hopeless. But the good thing

43:32

about Paul's case, although Paul's

43:34

body was discovered in 2019, which was after

43:36

the Brexit vote,

43:38

we were in that

43:40

interregnum period between voting

43:42

to leave and actually leaving the EU. And so we were still

43:44

able to access that 800

43:46

million strong laser captured

43:49

ANIS

43:50

database. We were still in ANIS, that's what

43:52

I was told. That's right. And that's how Paul was

43:54

identified. We were still in ANIS,

43:56

but I have.

44:00

got wind from an associate

44:05

that in between the Brexit vote and us

44:07

actually leaving that as

44:10

perhaps as a petty act of

44:12

payback as an FU those working

44:15

at

44:15

ANS may have

44:17

been playing a bit fast and loose

44:20

with what they

44:22

sent us. What? I don't know

44:24

the details but the impression that

44:26

I've been given is that that was widespread

44:28

and if that is the case and I fear

44:30

it is then that means that any conviction

44:33

that we secured in this country

44:36

from that point on using the ANS

44:38

system is unsafe

44:40

and of course more pertinent to this case any

44:43

identification we may have made of a

44:46

body may be

44:48

inaccurate. What

44:51

are you saying Dexter? What are you saying?

44:54

I'm saying we don't know that

44:56

that's Paul Zaines.

45:02

Basil what does it what does it mean for

45:04

the sisterhood if it's not Paul Zaines? It

45:06

is Paul Zaines. But if it's not. There

45:11

is no evidence. I can't have built my entire belief

45:13

system on another lie. I've done that five times.

45:16

This can't be another one. Please

45:20

please look me in the eyes and tell me that

45:22

it's Paul Zaines.

45:23

Raven

45:25

I'll say only this if

45:28

you believe that

45:29

that is Paul Kitesworthy's ANUS

45:33

then it is Paul Kitesworthy's

45:35

ANUS. I wish it was that simple Basil.

45:38

I truly do and I I mean I you

45:40

know I was always concerned that we'd never cracked the case

45:43

in fact when you began your pilgrimage that's when

45:45

I felt the best about the whole thing you told me

45:47

about the the librarian in Reading

45:49

who recognized the ANUS and I thought well it has

45:51

to be Paul's. They were certain they were absolutely

45:54

certain on sight. But have a think how many

45:56

times did people say that your brother sounded exactly

45:58

like Jamie Oliver?

45:59

Hang

46:01

on, are you saying that's Jamie Oliver's anus? Well,

46:04

either Jamie Oliver or someone who sounds an awful

46:07

lot like Jamie Oliver and Paul Kightsworthy.

46:09

David Jason at a young age.

46:11

I can't worship Jamie Oliver's anus.

46:14

I can't. Raven, please. I

46:16

can't do it. There's no basis on

46:19

which to think that this proves anything.

46:21

You're saying this isn't real. No,

46:24

no, this is real. This

46:26

is real. Look, you can see it, you can feed it, you

46:28

can taste it. It is a real anus.

46:31

And it's Paul's anus.

46:33

Basil, when DCI Whatley spoke to

46:35

me

46:36

and suggested that we do this

46:38

here,

46:40

he didn't give me all the details, but he did say that

46:42

what he was going to say would mean that

46:45

the case would be reopened into Paul's

46:47

disappearance. The seed of doubt has been

46:49

sown. We've got to do this. We've got

46:51

for Paul. For Paul, and also for whoever's

46:54

anus this is. This is an obscene

46:56

suggestion. A blasphemous one,

46:59

as far as I'm concerned, and I think that it's

47:01

disgusting. I absolutely

47:03

refuse to entertain this nonsense

47:05

for a second more. And I'll tell you something else, DCI

47:08

Whatley. There is a perfectly

47:10

preserved vintage 1958 Stratocaster

47:12

guitar, which will not be finding its way underneath

47:14

your Christmas tree this year. Basil,

47:17

there's another family out there

47:19

whose anus you have burnished and

47:22

taken on tour. It's my belief.

47:24

And they deserve the truth too.

47:26

DCI Whatley, this is obviously something you've had

47:28

a chance to think about at

47:30

great length.

47:31

What is your leading theory on what you think did happen

47:34

to Paul?

47:35

Even when you found what you thought was his

47:37

body, you never truly resolved

47:39

what actually had happened to Paul and why that had happened.

47:42

Whether he is dead and this is his anus,

47:44

or whether he has disappeared and maybe

47:46

still even alive. What's your

47:48

leading theory on what's going on? What

47:50

happened to Paul? It's

47:52

hard to know what happened to Paul.

47:55

I've suggested perhaps he

47:57

was, he fell

47:59

foul on Paul. the Belgian pottery

48:01

underworld. I mean there

48:04

are more difficult subjects to broach.

48:07

Paul, I

48:09

mean you knew Paul before

48:11

his death, assuming he is dead.

48:13

I think he's dead. I didn't but I have

48:16

extensively gone through his audio recordings and

48:18

his writings

48:20

and there's this thing that keeps coming up about

48:23

a fifth meat.

48:25

Well thank you Dex. So I'm sorry there

48:27

is there are only four meats,

48:29

beef lamb chicken and pork. So right yes which is

48:32

beef lamb chicken and pork. But

48:34

I mean it was an absolute nonsense I'm afraid. Oh right

48:36

but it must be interesting nonetheless that he's written

48:39

about this. Thank you. I wonder what you think. Thank you Dexter.

48:42

Thank you very much. Right

48:43

that's all the time we've got for this interview. Just

48:45

quickly Basil I don't know if you've got the invitation

48:47

to my gala dinner. Yes I received

48:49

the invitation but I'm afraid I can't make it.

48:52

I've got a man coming around to look at the Wi-Fi.

48:54

I've eaten the fifth meat. Goodbye. Thank

48:57

you. Goodbye.

49:00

A

49:00

big thanks to DCI Dexter Watley,

49:03

Basil Kitesworthy and Raven Moon

49:05

for that interview.

49:06

And if you'd like to view what may or may not

49:08

be the burnished anus of Paul Kitesworthy

49:11

it is currently on display behind the till at

49:13

the Tesco Express on Grove Road in Norwich

49:15

until the end of the month.

49:17

It will then tour to the Ipswich Beef Information

49:19

Centre until the 5th of September. Lincoln

49:21

Wagamama that's at Braford Wharf until

49:24

the 16th of September and then it will be displayed

49:26

at the Blissetts Garden Centre and Caravan

49:28

supermarket in Pottersbaw until

49:31

the 1st of October.

49:33

Right so let's see if Angela Merkel is on

49:35

the line. Yeah so

49:36

sorry just so you know Angela Merkel's a no.

49:39

She's gone.

49:40

Unfortunately I'm sorry I think

49:42

it's just a case of like once you start townning

49:44

down everything that's potentially wet in your garden it's like

49:46

a day-long enterprise. Also

49:49

apparently she's got a pond so you know if she

49:51

gets caught in a loop of trying to towel dry a pond

49:53

you know I guess that's why she

49:55

stepped down as Chancellor. Right

49:57

then well thank you. again,

50:00

sorry, thanks for all of your, I mean, it's amazing that you

50:02

even got to agree to do it. I mean,

50:05

you're worth it. Thanks. That's

50:08

okay. And

50:10

also, I just, I absolutely love

50:12

the interview. Oh, the,

50:14

the golden anus thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's

50:17

really, really great. Oh,

50:19

thanks. You know what? I've been feeling a bit weird

50:21

about this whole hundreds episode thing. Like, is

50:23

it going to be an anti climax? Like, are we, should we

50:25

do something special? Like,

50:28

and I've just, I mean,

50:30

you've just made me feel really,

50:32

really good about myself actually. So,

50:36

so thanks for that.

50:38

Thank you, because like, you

50:40

always make me feel like that. And then,

50:43

you know, this has actually been the highlight of my day,

50:45

month, year, even, like, so

50:48

yeah, it's been really great.

50:50

And yeah, it was an amazing interview.

50:53

And do

50:54

you reckon it's true what the policeman was saying,

50:57

you know, about Paul's disappearance being something to do with the fifth

50:59

meet?

50:59

Um, sorry, don't talk about the, don't

51:02

talk about, no, don't say it. Just don't,

51:04

there's some words we don't say in the studio.

51:07

And that's what I'm, that's one of them.

51:08

Okay, don't worry. Just right. Never

51:11

say that again.

51:12

Okay, hang on. Hang on. There's someone looking at the door.

51:14

Hang on a minute. No, no,

51:16

don't answer it. Please ignore it. Don't, don't

51:18

answer the door. No,

51:28

no. Beverly.

51:32

Sadie. Susan.

51:37

Jonathan Tonsano. Kyla?

51:45

That's really... She's

51:50

dead. Jonathan

51:55

Tonsano! BIMCY!

52:02

BIMCY! BIMCY! BIMCY?

52:08

Is that you? Be calm.

52:12

Be not afraid. I

52:14

will protect you. I will

52:16

always protect you. I will never

52:18

die and neither will you. My

52:21

spirit is eternal. You

52:24

are me. I am you.

52:27

My heart is your heart. BIMCY

52:30

is forever. BIMCY! There's two

52:33

men with guns in the control room. I will

52:35

protect you. These men

52:37

cannot harm you. Close

52:40

your eyes. Rest.

52:43

It's time to sleep. Sleep.

52:48

Sleep. BIMCY, I've got so

52:50

many questions. What happened to Carol?

52:52

Are you Carol? I am

52:55

Carol. You are

52:57

Carol. What? Carol

53:00

is BIMCY. You are

53:02

BIMCY. I

53:05

am BIMCY. We

53:08

are BIMCY. You're

53:10

too late, BIMCY. You've already

53:12

killed Kyla. I will revive

53:15

her. I will protect

53:17

everyone you love and everyone

53:20

who loves you. She

53:23

loves you. No. She

53:25

loves you. She

53:28

loves you. She

53:30

loves you. I

53:37

will breathe my rainbow

53:39

breath into her lungs

53:42

and she will live for

53:44

a thousand years. She's

53:54

breathing. She's breathing. I must

53:57

return to the stars.

54:00

Goodbye.

54:03

Goodbye, Bimsy. Thank

54:05

you. Also, thanks

54:08

for the invite, but I can't

54:10

come to your dinner because

54:12

my WiFi isn't working,

54:15

so a man

54:16

is coming to look at

54:18

the root road. Kyla?

54:28

Kyla?

54:32

You okay? You're alive. You're

54:36

alive, and you'd love me. Pardon?

54:41

That's why Bimsy saved you. Because

54:43

you'd love me. What? And I

54:45

love you. Do you?

54:47

I don't... Sorry, I... What is this?

54:50

I don't love you, obviously. Are

54:54

you joking? Do

54:57

I need to go to HR? Bimsy

54:59

told me. That's why she breathed

55:02

her rainbow breath into your lungs. Oh

55:04

my God. Have

55:07

you got concussion? You've

55:09

been unconscious for like half an hour. Have

55:12

you been drinking the gravy from the sprinkler system?

55:15

No. Well...

55:19

yes. Yeah, I can see it down your chin.

55:22

Okay. Have you got Angela Merkel on the line yet? What

55:26

are you going on about? Are

55:27

you alright? Seriously, do

55:29

you want me to call an ambulance? I was also

55:31

thinking, sorry, just

55:34

because it's the hundredth episode, I know we said we

55:36

weren't going to do anything special, but maybe we

55:38

could... Like

55:40

the team go out for a drink. We never

55:42

really socialised outside of the office, and I was thinking that just

55:44

because it's the hundredth, we could go to

55:46

the pub

55:49

and just have a couple of pints before the dinner.

55:53

Like nothing formal, just like a kind of warm-up for

55:55

the dinner. Erm...

55:57

yeah, I can't tonight, unfortunately.

56:00

because I've got someone coming around to look at our Wi-Fi

56:03

and also nobody's up for it, sorry.

56:05

No, that's OK. No, no, it's OK. Because

56:08

obviously I'll see you

56:10

at the dinner. How past seven I think?

56:12

Yeah, sorry, I'm not actually going to be there, but

56:15

I hope it goes well. So it's definitely not

56:17

going to be just you and me and the brass band

56:19

and candlelight and... What?

56:22

Absolutely not. OK,

56:24

let's record the outro. Yeah, OK,

56:27

and try not to fuck it up this time. We've gone over our

56:29

recording time. We were meant to be

56:31

out of here like half an hour ago. Yeah,

56:34

but then obviously we had the fire and like... What are

56:36

you talking about? No,

56:38

it's OK. What fire?

56:42

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

56:44

But if you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get

56:46

over to our website now where you'll find all

56:49

the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section

56:51

where this month... Hang

56:54

on, Kyla. Are you saying you

56:56

have no memory of mentioning the fifth meet

56:58

and then being accosted by two gunmen who

57:00

shot you to death and then you were revived by a big

57:03

pink horned alien? You've got no recollection

57:05

of that. Right, I'm calling an

57:08

ambulance. Until next time, Beef out.

57:21

Thanks to Susan Harrison, Tom Crowley,

57:24

Mike Kwasniak and Gemma Arismus.

57:26

And all of those people have podcasts that are worth listening to.

57:29

Crowley Time is Tom Crowley's podcast,

57:31

which is like a really

57:33

brilliant sketch show that he kind of

57:35

does on his own, but it's amazing. Gemma

57:38

and Susan make a podcast together called Hayley

57:40

and Ruth, Two Stars, which is a

57:42

podcast where these two

57:45

cultural critics review something

57:47

without actually having seen that thing. It's really, really

57:49

funny. And Mike Kwasniak does another

57:51

podcast called Three Bean Salad,

57:54

which is a podcast

57:56

that I'm also in,

57:57

which is my other podcast, Three Bean Salad, if you

57:59

haven't tried it out. I think if you like

58:01

this one, you'll like that one.

58:03

Also on those voicemails, you heard Amy

58:05

Mason, Matthew Crosby, Josie

58:07

Long,

58:08

Stevie Martin, Natasha Hodgson

58:11

and Chris Cantrill. Also, of course, you

58:13

heard the amazing voiceover talents of Linnea

58:15

Sage. As the Mitchells voiceover, she's

58:18

the best.

58:18

Our live show in September, on September the

58:21

16th, has now

58:22

sold out.

58:24

So thanks to everyone who bought a ticket for that, I'm really looking forward

58:26

to that one. You can still watch

58:28

the live stream though. So I'll put a ticket link in the

58:31

show notes for this, or you can look on our social media,

58:34

or you can go on the Kings Place website.

58:37

That way you can watch it live streamed.

58:40

If you buy a ticket for the live stream, you can also watch

58:42

it at a later date. If, for example, you live in

58:44

Australia and the live stream is happening in

58:47

the middle of the night. Yes, 100 episodes.

58:51

I'm so pleased to have done 100 episodes of this podcast.

58:54

May there be 100 more. It feels like a bit of

58:56

a kind of,

58:58

I don't know, it's meant to be a thing, isn't it? 100. You're

59:00

meant to get Angela Merkel on

59:02

the phone. Thanks to all of you for listening.

59:05

The fact that I've been able to do this now for

59:08

how many years? Seven

59:10

or eight years? I

59:12

mean, that's insane.

59:14

And also a huge thank you to all the amazing

59:16

talented people that have been on the

59:18

show over the past 100 episodes.

59:21

Been a real dream. And of course, thanks

59:24

to all listeners, but of course, a little special thank you

59:26

for those of you who sign up during the

59:28

MaxFun drive and contribute to

59:30

the podcast. Because without you,

59:33

we wouldn't have had 100 episodes.

59:35

So a big special thank you to all of you.

59:38

And of course, thank you to everyone at Maximum Fun

59:41

who have proven to be a very,

59:43

very great podcast network. And similarly,

59:46

I couldn't have made 100 episodes were

59:48

it not for all the people there who are brilliant.

59:50

Right. Now thank yous. I have not won

59:52

an Academy Award.

59:54

I think I'm going to go and buy a Solero.

59:56

If you're in the UK, you'll know what a Solero is. Maybe

59:58

the Solero has made it outside of

1:00:01

It's an ice cream.

1:00:02

It's a possibility though that it's been

1:00:05

renamed elsewhere. Celero,

1:00:07

it's a good name though. I don't

1:00:09

think that, what it comes down to is I don't think

1:00:11

there's going to be a Celero in the US. It doesn't feel

1:00:14

very American. There's something very European about Celero.

1:00:17

Anyway, worth importing if you're an American.

1:00:20

Bye! I'm Emily Heller.

1:00:22

And I'm Lisa Hannah-Walt. And we're the hosts of

1:00:24

Baby Geniuses. We've been doing our podcast

1:00:26

for over 10 years. When we started, it was

1:00:29

about trying to learn something new every episode.

1:00:32

Now it's about us trying to actively get stupider.

1:00:34

And it's working. Hang

1:00:37

out with us and you'll hear us chat about...

1:00:40

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1:00:42

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1:00:43

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1:01:02

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1:01:07

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