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1:00

interested, in the production of beef

1:02

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Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast

1:07

companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website

1:09

and the printed magazine, brought to you

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by the Harrington Hoof Hoist from Mitchell's.

1:15

Mitchell's actually sent us a promotional hoist

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here to Beef and Dairy HQ and

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yes, it's a great product for inspecting

1:21

your animals' hooves, but we found it's

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also a useful tool in disciplining recalcitrant

1:26

employees. Hang on. Sandy!

1:29

Sandy! Don't make me

1:31

put you in the hoist again, Sandy!

1:33

Oh please, no, not the hoist! Now,

1:36

you may remember that four years ago,

1:38

I spoke with Barry Mison of the

1:40

Exotic Seeds breeding paddock, who had set

1:42

up a Kickstarter to raise funds to

1:44

start a breeding programme where he hoped

1:46

to crossbreed cattle with various other animal

1:48

species in order to create what he

1:51

described as an ultra cow, a huge

1:53

amphibious cattle which he claimed would revolutionise

1:55

global meat production. Barry's

1:57

Kickstarter target of £45m was the largest cow in the world, and

1:59

the largest is the second biggest

2:01

ever behind Zach Braff's ill-fated 2011

2:04

campaign to build himself an aircraft

2:06

carrier. But did Barry raise

2:08

that money? Has he created an ultra

2:11

cow? I caught up with him to

2:13

find out. Well I can tell you

2:15

what happened. Things were going pretty well

2:18

four years ago. I'd

2:20

started a Kickstarter fund that was the

2:23

whole basis that

2:25

was going to fund my

2:27

ideas. And I was already

2:29

on £111 by the time I did your podcast. And

2:33

then subsequently after the

2:36

podcast I only managed to raise

2:38

a further £7. Now

2:41

I don't want to get aggressive with you. I've

2:44

not listened to your podcast. I tried to listen to

2:46

it but I found your voice too annoying so I

2:48

just sort of gave up after the

2:50

first bit. But after

2:53

doing that podcast I

2:56

received quite a barrage of emails

2:58

from people. I mean you called

3:00

them people. The ones I

3:03

saw I had photos. They looked like they had

3:05

to wash their hair. I got

3:08

a lot of emails from people suggesting

3:11

that my ideas were

3:13

an affront to humanity and worse. And I

3:15

had to deal with quite a lot of

3:17

bad language. And I even had

3:20

some of these people in their caravan

3:22

and stuff camping out in my

3:25

paddock and preventing me from

3:27

getting in there. I was a victim of

3:29

several dirty protests. OK.

3:33

Let's talk about then what their issues were. Because I think the issues that

3:36

came up when we spoke, there was a couple of different ones. One

3:39

was really the moral side of whether it's OK

3:41

to crossbreed different breeds of animals. You talked for

3:43

example about crossbreeding a cow with a beaver and

3:45

an eel and I think some people might have

3:47

taken a bridge with that feeling

3:50

it's kind of unnatural. I think

3:52

though over and above that there then began

3:54

to be a suggestion that you would maybe

3:56

be adding your seed to

3:58

the mix. on. My

4:00

mate Dawn listened to the podcast

4:04

and she's dead now unfortunately so I can't

4:06

remember I'm just going to say from the memory what she said and

4:09

she said you were

4:11

insinuating that there was

4:13

something wrong with me that there was something perverted in

4:15

it which is quite nefarious.

4:19

Is that the right word? No,

4:22

that's the wrong word but it's quite bad.

4:25

What you were doing after

4:27

as someone as responsible voice

4:30

of the Beef and Dairy Network behind

4:33

my back afterwards you were

4:36

mis flavoring my opinions

4:40

and I think that led to a lot

4:42

of these long haired unwashed

4:44

folk basically throwing their shit at

4:46

my house. So

4:50

what do you feel about that? Well I'll tell

4:52

you what whether that's true or not you're here

4:54

again on the podcast this is your opportunity to

4:57

clear things up if you just want to be

4:59

very bold about what it is that you're actually

5:01

doing down there at the Exotic Seeds breeding paddock

5:03

and maybe if I did misrepresent

5:05

what you were doing this is your chance to tell everyone

5:07

what it is you're doing. Okay

5:09

right I'll tell you now where we are,

5:11

sorry I'm just going to calm, take

5:14

a deep breath okay and

5:17

relax okay I

5:20

tell where we are we're in the Exotic

5:22

Breeding paddock Exotic Seeds Breeding paddock

5:24

so you've even got me saying the name of the

5:27

thing wrong right what's

5:31

happened is I already had a cow

5:34

now the problem was my

5:37

initial cow wasn't

5:40

as good looking as I hoped. Where did you

5:42

get that cow from? Well I

5:44

got it, this is the thing when

5:47

you get a couple of things

5:49

animals on the internet you see the pictures and stuff like

5:52

that and there I don't know if that it was some

5:54

sort of cow filter on there or something it

5:57

looked much nicer than it did in real life

5:59

it was much shorter. when it came round to

6:01

my house and didn't look much like the real

6:03

cow. I always imagine in my

6:05

head one of those ones, like you see in

6:07

the anchor adverts, with the long

6:09

eyelashes and you just think, I

6:12

would eat up all your butter straight away. Don't even

6:14

put it in the box, put it in my mouth.

6:18

That's what I wanted. Because

6:20

I know some farmers who've got those

6:22

cows, and they said I

6:24

didn't even think I was going to get... I only got into

6:27

farming once I looked deep in that cow's eyes. So

6:31

describe your cow then. It

6:33

sounds like it may not have even been a cow. It

6:35

just... well, it was a cow, but barely.

6:38

It just looked like... I mean... I

6:42

don't know. It just looked

6:44

like some sort of four-year-old's art project

6:46

gone wrong. And

6:48

it wasn't attractive. That's the

6:50

first time in my life I can hand it in my heart and

6:52

say I'm 0% attracted to a cow. That's

6:55

when I knew we were in trouble there, mate.

6:59

Because obviously

7:01

there are some cows that are more

7:03

attractive than others. So

7:06

I got someone in, I

7:08

got one of those makeover people in to do

7:10

something. Shaved it all down.

7:14

Started from scratch. Painted

7:16

it, put the stuff on. Sorry, when

7:18

did you say put the stuff on? Just

7:21

make up paint stuff like that eye last year.

7:24

Had some fillers put in. That's

7:26

like five grand gone. It's

7:28

when I make the cow look fit. Now,

7:31

I've gone from a 2 out of 10 cow to

7:34

a 5 out of 10 cow. So

7:37

then you think, what am I going to do

7:39

now? I went back

7:41

to my own sort of experiences

7:44

of, you know, mating

7:46

experiences, put my human ones and

7:48

thought, when have I

7:51

managed to find a mate? Usually

7:53

in situations when it's dark. So

7:57

I put like some disco lights and stuff

7:59

like that. Right off the

8:01

some sources. Law

8:04

or the So cal wages are very want

8:06

me to stuff it gets cows go it.

8:09

Just became a if if you had

8:11

raised the forty five million pounds to

8:13

kickstarter. You wouldn't have had to do

8:15

any this right you dream to buy Effect co. Of

8:18

a catalogue. You

8:20

to eat of? Yeah, no problem. Sort of luring animals

8:22

to to mate with. it. I. Would

8:24

is done. In retrospect, I shift is set

8:26

up. A semi

8:28

as in some damn before I

8:31

was in a city. Cow at

8:33

England. fit his cow competition and

8:35

I'm kidnapped. the winner. Yeah yeah,

8:37

do that. Some is gotten any

8:39

display may on or deny the

8:41

Ira. That's a good one. Say

8:46

you play on somebody knows gonna mess with.

8:48

So. Any so bad

8:50

permanency group blame on them now is

8:52

gonna mess with that and you I

8:55

said it it is when wrong the

8:57

cows are attractive the not to get

8:59

find some it's it might with i'm

9:01

so I told you about to thought

9:03

might mama it is I'd posit gone

9:05

past year see your be a plan

9:07

was either a colleague who oh did

9:09

citing safari park and ends does suggest

9:11

an emotive take them the and was

9:13

off his hands and put them into

9:15

your breeding paddock. I went down there.

9:19

And this by was just line the stuff

9:21

he was rubbish right? the anything had was

9:23

on his hip eyes. So.

9:26

I said all right. How

9:29

much for like you want a nice

9:31

sixty grand for the hallway pass and

9:33

know why my out I added rinse

9:35

off you. A copper nice

9:38

awake the i promise per hour.

9:42

The. Hit paradox when would phone

9:44

record Queen our. First

9:47

not hit by comes over. It

9:50

was Buying a ban is no race or

9:52

for a sick good sign is ready for

9:54

it. But many God and. Put.

9:56

it this guy light on to the me

9:58

to com I mean, I

10:00

was even feeling up for it. So

10:03

that hippo must have loved it.

10:06

If anything, it was too much. It

10:08

absolutely went out the cow, snuck

10:10

the back of it off. I

10:13

thought jackpot from the sounds put a disco

10:16

lights up. I

10:20

got half a cow. The other

10:22

half's on this hippo. We had to

10:24

get the bloke from the garage

10:27

to with some specialist equipment to pull

10:29

the back end of the cow off that hippo.

10:33

I got charged another five grand for damage to

10:35

the hippo. So it never breed again. I

10:37

was half a cow in my

10:40

field. And- And needless

10:42

to say, maybe, did

10:44

the cow survive that experience?

10:47

No, it was in half. It was half a cow. Yeah, I

10:49

know. So you just hadn't been explicit about it. And I

10:53

didn't want to be too intelligent. What do you think? Yeah,

10:55

sure. I said, there's garage

10:58

fees, hippo damage fees. And

11:01

then the kids next door saw it. They were traumatized.

11:03

I had to give them both 10 quid in book

11:05

tokens. So where

11:08

are the most of the money's gone now? Sure.

11:11

And you've got nothing left? Well, half a cow. I

11:15

mean, you could say I've got some disco lights and some

11:17

good music. So, yeah, it's quite

11:20

emotional thinking back on it. Nothing

11:25

went right. No!

11:30

More from Barry Meisen later. But first,

11:32

on the Network website this week, we

11:34

asked you if you could crossbreed a

11:36

cow with any other species, what species

11:38

would you cross it with? We've

11:41

had some great emails. This is the first

11:43

one from Andrew in Ripon. He writes, I

11:45

would love to crossbreed a cow with a

11:47

giraffe. My hope would be that the creature

11:49

would have the long neck of the giraffe,

11:51

but instead of a giraffe's head at the

11:53

end of the neck, it would have the

11:55

udders of a cow. Then

11:57

by rigging up some sort of mechanism, I could make this

11:59

a cow. giraffe, cow-nack, rain milk down

12:01

on me like a shower." Interesting

12:04

stuff, Andrew. Paul McRenn writes,

12:07

I would cross a cow with

12:09

another cow. Think about it. Cow

12:11

squared the ultimate beef. Not

12:14

really how that works, Paul. And

12:17

finally, Janet from Swansea writes, I've

12:19

always longed for a cow with

12:21

the political guile of Condoleezza Rice

12:24

and the voice of Linda Ronstadt.

12:26

Would that be possible? I

12:30

don't think so, Janet. Hang

12:33

on. Sandy? Sandy,

12:36

really? Right, I'm hoisting

12:38

you. You're going on the hoist. You're

12:40

going on the hoist. Oh god, not

12:42

the hoist, please. No, no, not the

12:44

hoist. I don't care. I don't think,

12:46

Sandy. Oh no! Why? I brought... Those

12:48

satsuas were for guests only. I'm not

12:51

listening. I'm not listening, Sandy. I'm just

12:53

hoisting. Maybe

12:55

you can, when you're up there, you can

12:57

think about how to be a less

12:59

disappointing employee. Yeah?

13:02

You think citrus fruits are free, do you? We're

13:05

going on a full 12 feet, Sandy. We're

13:09

going full hoist. More after this.

13:18

Former American president and noted theatre

13:20

seat stainer Abraham Lincoln is thought

13:22

to have said, good things come

13:24

to those who wait. I mean, it

13:26

has been attributed to others. Like all

13:28

quotes, it's been wrongly attributed to

13:31

Churchill. Some people think it's from the Bible,

13:33

if not. It appears in a

13:35

Victorian poem written by Violet Fane, but

13:37

she didn't originate it. It was made

13:39

famous by a Guinness advertising campaign. No

13:42

one knows where it really comes from. But

13:44

what people don't realise is that the rest

13:46

of the quote, good things come to those

13:48

who wait, is, but only the things left

13:50

by those who hustle. That's right.

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That's ziprecruiter.com/b-e-e-f.

14:21

Right, back to my big interview with

14:23

Barry Mizen of the Exotic Seeds Breeding

14:25

Paddock. It was clear from what

14:27

he told me that his plan had failed, but

14:29

Barry isn't the sort of man who gives up.

14:32

So I thought let's go back to the blackboard and

14:36

re-think the whole thing. Okay. So,

14:40

I think where

14:44

I was going wrong was

14:47

channeling all my thoughts into the cow.

14:50

Right. And what is a cow? It's

14:53

a meat vehicle, right, wouldn't you say? Yeah.

14:57

If you want to grow beef, does

14:59

it have to be on a cow? That's

15:01

my question to you. Oh. Well,

15:04

hang on. You know, you had promised

15:06

your Kickstarter donors,

15:09

shall we say, that you were going to

15:11

crossbreed animals to create an ultra

15:13

cow. But they don't know what an ultra

15:15

cow looks like, do they? I

15:18

decide what an ultra cow is. I'm

15:20

interested in what you're going to tell me about, but

15:22

I'm just going to make reference to an email we

15:25

received a couple of weeks ago. This is from Margaret

15:28

from Bexhill on Sea. She

15:30

writes, I gave £10 to the

15:32

Exotic Seeds Breeding Paddock Kickstarter.

15:36

I've received none of the promised perks, behind

15:38

the scenes footage, and as far as I

15:40

can tell, he hasn't created an ultra cow.

15:43

Well, if Margaret would like

15:45

to see footage of

15:48

a cow being snapped by a hippo

15:50

and gassed from

15:53

the garage using a winch to

15:55

pull half that cow, of

15:57

that hippo dick, I'm more than happy

16:01

to center that footage.

16:04

Yeah, I mean, Margaret, if you're listening, do get in

16:06

touch. If you want to see that video, I'm sure

16:08

we can hook you up with it. Feel free to

16:10

contact me, Margaret. OK,

16:12

what's Margaret referring to there where she says

16:15

the promised perks? She was promised perks when

16:17

she sent in the £10. It

16:20

was the first meet, some meet samples.

16:22

Right, I see. But she hasn't

16:24

received those. What does she want? Does she

16:26

want me to spend all my time emailing

16:28

all these people? You think of your meat

16:30

and standing in the way of science. What's

16:33

going to happen? Oh, she preferred to have, oh,

16:35

I've got an email. I've got a picture of

16:38

a hippo doing a cowing. Or

16:40

does she want me to focus

16:42

my energies on doing something that

16:44

will save her children and other

16:47

people's children and even animals as well? And

16:49

if she's got a cat, what's that cat

16:51

going to eat in the future when

16:53

all the cows have run out? Well,

16:56

I tell you what's going to wait. The new meat

16:58

that I've created. Well, that's exciting. So

17:00

you have. You

17:03

have created something this it's all

17:05

about space. OK, how to

17:08

add value to space. Now,

17:12

if we could talk about your body, which

17:14

is the least used part of your body,

17:16

would you say? I've done some research and

17:18

it's actually the back. OK,

17:21

it's just kind of empty real estate.

17:23

Yeah. How about we

17:25

use that space, we rent

17:28

that space to grow

17:30

meat? Well, if I mean, if that

17:32

were possible, that would be possible. You're

17:34

telling me it is possible. You've seen the thing

17:36

with the mouse with the ear on its back.

17:39

Yeah, that's 20 years ago, mate. That's around

17:41

the turn of the that's that's an ear. That's

17:43

a lot more complicated to grow an

17:46

ear than is to grow like a

17:49

steak. Imagine that

17:51

two big steaks on people's backs. You're not

17:53

even going to notice it. You carry a

17:55

rucksack around to protect it. It's

17:58

there. I'm not saying everyone's. going

18:00

to do it. It will just be for the

18:03

kids at school, the sick kids at

18:05

school who don't pass their

18:08

GCSEs. They've got no hope.

18:10

They've got no future. Oh yes

18:12

you have mate. I'll grow a couple of

18:14

stakes in your back. One's for you, one's

18:16

for me. Can't say fair on

18:18

that, can you? Barry,

18:21

I'm just going to... I mean, you must

18:23

have considered this, but there's a couple of

18:25

very obvious kind of ethical questions

18:27

that come up. Okay. So

18:29

you were doing this last time, all this ethical

18:31

stuff, but all you're trying to say is you're

18:33

right and I'm wrong. That's what

18:35

you're using. You're misusing the word

18:38

ethical. Ethical in whose book? Book

18:41

of crybabies. I think the things that I'm going

18:43

to bring up are things that the

18:46

public at large would probably think if they heard about

18:48

or when they hear about your scheme. It's

18:51

not necessarily my point of view. Oh that's

18:53

right, that's convenient isn't it? There's a couple

18:55

of issues here. One is scientific.

18:58

Yep. Is it possible? I

19:00

just told you about the bear on the

19:03

shitting mouse. There's

19:05

an idiot on a mouse. You can't

19:08

grow a stake on someone's back. Yeah, but can you

19:11

grow a stake on someone's back? I'm not saying

19:13

can anybody... somebody might be able to, but can

19:15

you? It's all on the internet mate.

19:18

Grow up. Okay, I'll move on to

19:20

the ethical issue then. Yep. What

19:23

do we say about a society that is suddenly

19:25

split along... there's a two tier system in

19:30

which you've got citizens who are

19:33

able to live life without stakes screwing on their

19:35

back and then based solely on academic performance

19:37

at school, you have a lower class of people

19:39

who end up having to grow stakes on their

19:41

back. That's the kind of ethical issue,

19:44

right? Oh right, so you're saying that they

19:46

don't enjoy having stakes on their back? Well it doesn't sound

19:48

like they have much choice in the matter. You said it

19:50

was based on their GC... if they fail their exams, that

19:52

happens to them. They don't choose for that to happen, right?

19:55

I mean, what's... I don't see what's wrong

19:57

with that. I think some people would say

19:59

that... ethics. This

20:02

ethics business. Sorry,

20:04

I'm just sorry. It just annoys me. As

20:07

if you're speaking for someone

20:09

else. Oh, the

20:12

other the general public. However, I correct

20:14

an imaginary friends. And I said I'm

20:16

speaking on behalf of them then. Fair

20:19

enough for 1000 people. If you go out to

20:21

the in the public and get

20:23

signatures and 1000 signatures that people agree with

20:26

you and also and say how many people

20:28

don't agree with you, you in a poll,

20:30

it's called a poll, you do that, then

20:32

you can start saying 1000 people

20:34

said like that. I'm not fat, like

20:36

family fortunes. That's fine. Not Oh,

20:39

here's my opinion. I I am the voice of

20:41

the bloody Republic of the

20:43

world. But Barry, last time we

20:45

did this. Yeah, I

20:47

invoked in a similar way

20:50

that the kind of ethical objections people might

20:52

have. You had a similar

20:54

reaction. But then lo and behold, people did agree with

20:56

me, didn't they? Because they turned up at your house

20:58

and started hurling their own feces at your front door.

21:00

Yes, exactly. That's the people, the people

21:03

who would happily shit into their own

21:05

hands and fling at someone's

21:07

house. That's the sort of

21:10

people that listen to this podcast and agree

21:12

with you. Shit fingers. Well

21:14

done. Well, Barry, it's been great to talk to you.

21:16

Is the Kickstarter still open? I don't know if people

21:19

you know, I've yes, it is still open. We still

21:21

accept your money for this these things. Will

21:23

you be making a contribution? No,

21:25

and I don't think many listeners will. I don't

21:28

I don't feel like this is the interview that will finally

21:30

get them over the line to

21:32

pledge to the Kickstarter, but it's possible that to is

21:34

he throwing their own extra in the people's houses. But

21:37

I'm happy to give you the airtime now just to,

21:39

you know, to give that pitch

21:41

to those listeners who might be on the fence about

21:45

giving you the hardware and money. Right.

21:48

Listen, how about you listeners stop

21:50

throwing your butt remnants at my

21:52

house, and instead put your hands

21:54

in your pocket and put some

21:56

change into it. And

21:58

then maybe one day you children

22:00

would have enough meat on their

22:02

back to sustain their boring lives.

22:04

How's that? Okay,

22:08

well Barry, best of luck with ironing out some of

22:10

the kinks in that technology. Yeah, best of luck with

22:12

ironing out some of the kinks in your podcast. And

22:16

maybe if you've cracked it in the future it will get you back

22:18

on and you can tell us how

22:20

you did it. Well, if I've got time. Okay.

22:24

Well, all the best, Barry. Yep. Bye. Bye.

22:29

Yep. A

22:35

big thanks to Barry Meisen for that interview

22:37

and as he said there, the Kickstarter is

22:39

still going if you want to support his

22:41

work developing a way to grow a stake

22:43

on a teenager's back. And

22:45

it's also worth saying that there are

22:47

a number of other worthy causes on

22:49

Kickstarter that you can back. For example,

22:51

Scrub star Zach Braff is currently

22:54

raising money for a new patio. And

22:57

that's all we've got time for this week. But if

22:59

you're after more Beef and Dairy News get over

23:01

to the website now where you'll find all the

23:03

usual stuff as well as our off topic section

23:05

where this month we've put together a guide on

23:07

how to give a no comment police interview but

23:10

make it sassy. Hello?

23:13

So until next time. Hello? Beef

23:16

out. Can someone please let me down?

23:20

I'm still up here. I'm

23:22

still hoisted. Anyone?

23:36

Thanks to Mary Cloud, Tom Crowley and

23:38

Linnea Sage. Hello

23:41

teachers and faculty. This

23:44

is Janet Varney. I'm

23:46

here to remind you that listening to

23:48

my podcast, The JV Club with Janet

23:50

Varney, is part of the curriculum

23:52

for the school year. Learning

23:54

about the teenage years of such guests

23:56

is Allison Brie, Vicky Peterson, John Hodgman,

24:00

and so many more is

24:02

a valuable and enriching experience.

24:04

One you have no choice but

24:06

to embrace because, yes, listening is

24:09

mandatory. The JV Club with Janet

24:11

Varney is available every Thursday on

24:13

Maximum Fun or wherever you get

24:15

your podcasts. Thank you. And remember,

24:18

no running in the halls. If

24:24

you need a laugh and you're

24:26

on the go, try SDOPPODCASTIA. Are

24:30

you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

24:32

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let

24:34

me give it a try. Okay. If

24:37

you need a laugh and you're

24:39

on the go, call SDOPPPDAD. I

24:42

will never fit. No, it will. Let me

24:44

try. If you

24:46

need a laugh and you're on

24:48

the go, try SDOPPPDCOO. Oh,

24:51

we are so close. Stop

24:53

podcasting yourself. A podcast

24:56

from maximumfun.org. If

24:58

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25:03

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