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Hello. This

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episode is a recording

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of our recent live show.

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Enjoy.

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beef.

0:53

Hello, and welcome to beef

0:56

dairy network live.

1:00

Now it is a great privilege to be here

1:02

to record an episode of the podcast. However,

1:05

Due to a clerical error by the venue,

1:08

leading to a room double booking, this

1:10

session will be both the podcast and the

1:12

wedding of a man called Barry and his fiance

1:14

Tanya.

1:20

Sorry. Excuse me, babe. And and

1:23

Excuse me. you actually said

1:25

that

1:26

you would just let the wedding take place. No.

1:28

No. I didn't. You told me the room would be in double

1:30

booked and I told you not to worry and that it

1:32

would be fine.

1:37

Right? Which I obviously understood

1:39

to mean that you would cancel your stupid podcast

1:42

and I could have my way

1:43

Sorry, just to explain, this is Tanya.

1:46

We've only just met, but I'm getting Bricella

1:49

vibes.

1:55

Sorry. I do know that

1:58

your wedding venue has been double

1:59

booked with a pork podcast

2:03

doesn't make you a bridesaler. Okay.

2:05

It's beef. Pork producers

2:07

don't have podcasts wouldn't even know which end of a microphone

2:10

to speak into the fucking ideas. Oh,

2:14

come on, please.

2:14

All of these people are here for my wedding.

2:16

Okay. Well, look. Give me a chance if

2:18

you're here for beef and dairy life.

2:22

Okay. And give me a cheer if you're here for

2:24

Tanya's wedding. Sorry.

2:32

That's my cousin. He

2:37

he's got a point. Shut up, Pendelbury.

2:42

His name is Pendelbury. Sit

2:47

down, Pentalbury. Apart

2:53

from Pentelbury, basically

2:55

no one has turned up for your wedding, Tamir.

2:57

Look, no.

2:59

Barry isn't very popular and I'm not

3:01

exactly

3:01

sure why. But to me, he's

3:03

almost the perfect man. He's kind loving,

3:06

dependable. And in bed, he goes

3:08

like a train, by

3:10

which I mean halfway through he brings an a trolley

3:12

groaning with snack and refreshments. Then

3:15

what's the problem? Well, I've often

3:17

wondered, but I

3:18

think it's that he doesn't like beef.

3:24

Where is

3:26

this sick fuck?

3:32

I don't know. He's probably off eating chicken

3:35

or prawns or

3:35

something. Well, look. There's a big audience

3:37

here to see the latest developments in the beef and

3:39

dairy industries. So why don't we just do the podcast?

3:41

And then when Barry turns up, whatever

3:43

his name is can carry out your wedding to to

3:45

Barry or Babbie or Babbie? Babbie.

3:47

Oh, yeah. Babbie? Babbie. Bernard?

3:51

Barry. Christopher.

3:52

Barry.

3:54

Jonathan Tonsano. Barry.

3:58

sorry, Barry. Thank you. Jonathan

4:00

Tonsana. No. Sorry,

4:03

Barry. Jonathan

4:06

Tonsana.

4:11

Right. Look, fine. Okay.

4:13

But there's one problem because of the mix up, the

4:15

vicar actually left

4:16

because he assumed

4:18

that the wedding was canceled. So

4:20

will you be able to do the wedding service

4:22

legally? Of course. Every

4:24

day I'm ordained anew,

4:27

by beef. So

4:35

This wedding has already created an odd atmosphere

4:38

amongst the audience slash congregation

4:40

here. Most of whom were excited about getting

4:42

the latest beef and dairy news. Some of

4:44

whom are here to celebrate the marriage of two people

4:46

that only death socialist gender.

4:48

And one of you is here because you want to bang

4:50

your cousin. We

4:55

haven't done the podcast in front of such an divided

4:57

audience since we did our live symposium on

4:59

whether Solenium and Vitamin E supplementation

5:02

is better served by separate Solenium and

5:04

Vitamin E supplements or a combined

5:06

supplement. I need not remind

5:08

you how that panned out, but we're still paying reparations to

5:10

Newcastle City Council for the

5:12

burnings. We

5:14

don't want another night of fire,

5:17

and so we'll try to be respectful to both

5:19

parts of the audience here today. And

5:21

first up is an interview with a man who's probably

5:23

best known for his TV show,

5:25

vet in a helicopter.

5:26

It's Bhavan Asvet, Bob Driscopic.

5:36

Hello.

5:36

Thank you. Hi, Bob, and since

5:38

we last spoke, you had

5:40

just essentially botched a face removal

5:42

operation. And I believe it was at

5:44

that moment you came to decide that you couldn't

5:46

feasibly continue. as a vet.

5:48

I'm not technically vetting.

5:51

No. I'm not I

5:53

mean, I'm I'm not treating unwell

5:55

animals. let's

5:57

say, I took a bit of time off, bit of a

5:59

sabbatical. I've

6:01

been getting back into to

6:03

ask based postmortem work.

6:06

Let's say dying art. Yeah.

6:09

On on on animals, on

6:11

on humans, or Well, a human is an animal,

6:13

isn't it really? So

6:15

anything really. I mean, III won't do birds

6:17

though, something old going on with birds. And

6:21

Chad never quite got to grips with.

6:24

But, yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean,

6:27

it's something for the little guy, you know, a lot of

6:29

the time, you know, a deaf girl, the police somebody

6:32

can if your headache

6:34

has died in suspicious circumstances.

6:36

And then and then when I come

6:39

and Yeah. I mean,

6:41

I'll I'll examine anything on anyone as long

6:43

as the price is right, frankly. Does a Haddock

6:45

have an anus? No. There's a

6:47

big question. And

6:50

if you're a a hadic munga

6:53

paying me to examine the art of your

6:55

hadic, then the answer is emphatically, yes.

6:59

If it's just the man on street asking me, then

7:01

I have to say, hang on up. I don't really know. Oh,

7:03

my

7:09

assumption is that something gets extruded from somewhere,

7:13

but I just can't get interested in

7:15

Haddock. Okay. So what

7:17

happens during and ask first postmortem.

7:21

Well, it's four stages, I suppose.

7:23

There's inspection. You know,

7:25

you're looking for sort of a blank or

7:28

anal ruling, we call it,

7:31

what you sort of series series of patterns that

7:33

might tell you to tell a tale.

7:38

palpation where you're feeling for sort of

7:40

ribbing, feathering, gritty textures,

7:43

bailing, brail.

7:46

Well, it's for Lane or Braille. It's not technically

7:48

Braille. But

7:52

I I've had to work in a lot of very poorly

7:54

lit places in the past. So I've

7:59

learned to read it. I keep I keep the

8:01

pad of my right index finger exceptionally

8:04

soft. I use

8:06

it for nothing. In

8:08

fact, normally, it's bound, so it remains

8:10

baby soft. Ouscultation, what

8:13

you're listening. AAA

8:17

normal mammalian anus should just

8:19

sound like Oliver Reid

8:21

whispering sweetener things into

8:25

the ear of an engineer from a

8:27

distance anything gone there

8:29

as abnormal. And then insufflation where

8:31

you simply pump the anus full

8:34

of. A dry ice I find

8:36

is best but anything, really? Any air. a

8:38

helium and remove

8:40

the viscera one by one. And

8:44

what you do with them is up to I

8:46

guess that's the question. It's it's kind of I was listening to

8:48

all this and thinking, To what end?

8:53

Peace of mind. Fighting

8:57

crime. So you're would

8:59

you it's just to be clear, you're removing all of the internal

9:02

organs -- Yeah. -- if needs be. A lot of you

9:04

just need the anus. That's it. You know? Right. It's the eyes

9:06

of the windows to the soul and the anus

9:08

is, you know, is the is the kitchen

9:10

window. You've unintentionally, carelessly

9:12

left open or can be easily, you know,

9:14

smashed through with half a brick.

9:16

And what about the rumors that you've been

9:18

employed by BIOS? Oh,

9:20

yeah. Very happy to to talk

9:23

about being asked. Yeah. Yeah. I don't

9:25

know if everyone knows. You you you

9:27

would've been contacted. You would've got a

9:29

letter. I imagine they would've got this should have

9:31

got a letter, but I have to admit that III

9:33

didn't get round to looking up

9:35

everyone's address. So a lot of them were

9:37

posted without addresses. But a

9:40

letter was sent to everyone because

9:42

obviously, you know, pre-twenty sixteen, we were part

9:44

of ANAS. And

9:48

the European -- Yeah. -- you know notification

9:50

and analysis. I don't know.

9:52

Yeah. Service. And,

9:54

you know, thank God.

9:56

We've got unshackled from them in twenty

9:58

sixteen, and they're eight hundred

10:00

million strong database. And

10:02

just to be clear, this is a a database

10:04

of European aliases? Yes. It's an

10:06

alias database. Yeah. And that's using

10:08

crime scenes, crime scenes, cross

10:10

referencing. Yeah.

10:12

those features, what are the yeah. Yeah. There's a

10:14

bit of private stuff to do on the side.

10:16

BS is our answer to that. But

10:18

unfortunately, there's been very, very little taking

10:20

people at the moment is purely voluntary coming in

10:22

to get an anal print. Done.

10:25

I'll be out the back of the gazepo at the end

10:27

of the show. technically,

10:30

by not replying to your letters, you have

10:32

all consented to having

10:35

your imprints, but very useful. I mean, I mean, only

10:37

only recently. And, approximately, we solved

10:39

the case of a

10:42

guy from the seventies who'd

10:44

been defacing lava

10:48

lamps and making

10:50

them look obscene. and

10:54

but he'd he'd been caught in in the

10:56

act and run away in the

10:58

left. I think it was about barely even

11:00

a quarter of his anus dangling on the

11:02

edge of a garden trellis.

11:08

And that was the only piece of evidence that remained

11:10

from the entire case. And

11:12

everything else has thrown away. Loads of

11:14

fingerprints in the house. That was

11:16

bulldozed in a policy at the time where they didn't have

11:18

time to investigate bullows the crime

11:20

scene. And

11:26

he was banked right, so I was able to read

11:28

that little bit of Aenus very well and track him down

11:31

to an Aenus rehabilitation center in

11:33

the Shetlands. And

11:35

so, obviously, they haven't got a choice in the

11:37

matter, but what are the benefits for the audience here

11:39

today for logging their apps on the BOS

11:41

database? because currently I heard that it's only

11:43

thirty five strong. Is that right? It's only thirty

11:45

five strong. I

11:47

think really if

11:49

you've if you and your anus have done

11:51

nothing wrong, you've got nothing

11:53

to hide. is

11:57

is the advantage,

12:00

I I would say. And you know that you're contributing,

12:02

you're doing your duty at

12:04

King Country, you know that you know, you can

12:06

you can we exclude it, you know, from from a

12:08

crime and and if any of our thinking of

12:10

committing a an arse

12:12

out robbery at any point. know,

12:15

you'll think twice because you know you're you're on

12:17

the books. And

12:19

principally, that's through they were dust from our

12:21

print. It's a kind of

12:23

dust. It's

12:26

what what I use is it's a

12:29

very dried out strong household

12:31

alkali pace. Okay. So

12:33

it toothpaste, pure oven cleaner, that sort

12:35

of thing. Until it's

12:38

I'm very rarely patient enough to to let it get

12:40

to dust stage. So it's more

12:42

like a sort of scorching paste that

12:44

we use. Okay?

12:46

And that burns in print on

12:48

a bit of a four. if

12:51

I can find it or just some bug roll and

12:53

then put that in a an old sandwich bag. I've

12:55

always got loads of sandwich bags and send it

12:57

off. And that's just kept in your car then,

12:59

isn't it? kept in my car in the glove compartment

13:01

until such a time as it as it is

13:03

needed. Yeah. Well, Bob, I'd like to I'm

13:05

sure we'd all like to say thank you for keeping us safe

13:08

and my pleasure. And the back in the

13:10

gazebo at the end. Thank you, everyone. It's a gift. Just

13:12

got big.

13:23

Bob? Bob?

13:26

Tanya. I

13:29

wasn't expecting to see you. Hang

13:33

on. You know Bob.

13:37

It was

13:41

nineteen ninety eight, my

13:43

yorker. I was on

13:45

holiday with the girls. which is what I

13:47

call my passport and traveler's

13:49

checks. One

13:52

day, I was sitting in a town

13:54

square Sipping a hot

13:56

orange gina. When

13:59

I saw him,

14:01

his arm elbow deep in the

14:04

back

14:04

of a donkey, Even

14:06

though he was removing compacted feces

14:09

from a donkey's asshole, it

14:11

felt like he was reaching into

14:13

my chest. and

14:14

grabbing my

14:16

heart. That

14:18

evening, we went out for dinner.

14:20

I'd have enough of the foreign rubbish they

14:23

eat in Spain. So Bob

14:25

found us a place where you can have a full English

14:28

any time of day or

14:30

night. He had kind

14:32

eyes,

14:32

was well dressed, and smelled strongly

14:34

of junky

14:35

manure, which I personally

14:37

went very sexy.

14:39

Across the restaurant, an old woman was choking

14:41

on a house brown and he

14:43

saved her life retrieving the

14:45

hash brown, not from her mouth, but

14:47

from the other end.

14:50

Then

14:52

we went down to the beach and stayed up

14:54

all night dancing and

14:56

drinking, boiling hot orange until

15:00

the sun came up. For the

15:02

rest of that week, we were inseparable.

15:05

Sexuality goes like train

15:08

by which

15:09

I mean it should be nationalized that's available

15:11

to everyone for a reasonable fair.

15:20

Then when it was time to go home,

15:23

he dropped a bombshell. And the

15:25

rest of the bombshell, not just the outer

15:27

shell. He was

15:29

married and had kids.

15:31

My

15:31

heart was broken forever.

15:34

So

15:34

yes, you could say we know each other.

15:37

And and, Bob, you

15:40

know Tanya,

15:48

It was nineteen ninety eight.

15:51

Myoka. I was on

15:53

holiday and came across a profoundly

15:55

flattered and ailing donkey,

15:57

badly in need of disinfecting.

16:00

I put down my sweet warm or

16:02

engina and started doing what I did

16:04

best I looked

16:06

up from one of nature's most

16:09

beautiful sites, the anus of the

16:11

Dunkin' saw something almost

16:13

as captivating, Tanya.

16:19

Within minutes, I was asking her to come to a place

16:21

nine year little a Chutore that did twenty four

16:23

seven English breakfast. A

16:25

few extra euro would slap in a bit of

16:27

montre cheese over the top. After

16:31

our feasts, we slunk away to the beach where we

16:33

drank pike, ping, hot, orangina,

16:36

and banged. Sectionally

16:39

she went like a train by which I mean it

16:41

was pretty good but not as good as some experiences I've

16:43

had in Germany.

17:00

I

17:02

was about to confess my love

17:05

when I suddenly realized that my wife and two

17:07

children were watching us from a two star hotel

17:09

to stay on the road, the balcony, I

17:11

promised they'd taken to the beach about a week

17:13

ago, and that Send my hot

17:15

orange jeans a little bit cold metaphorically.

17:17

So yes, you could

17:20

see I know it's not

17:22

here. Right.

17:23

Okay. Can we

17:26

get

17:26

on with my wedding now? Well,

17:27

where's Jonathan Tons

17:30

no. What? Sorry, Barry.

17:32

Where's Barry? Sorry. Hello. Sorry.

17:34

Sorry. Sorry. Hello. Sorry. Sorry.

17:36

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I'm late. I was just eating

17:38

a lovely chicken and prawn boomer.

17:41

Oh, don't say that love. It's

17:43

a pork podcast. Beef. Yes.

17:45

I be. It's me. I work in

17:47

a pin factory. Great.

17:56

Now I feel we

17:59

should probably learn a bit about you

18:01

both. Tell you tell you what to

18:03

expect yourself. Oh, yes.

18:04

Okay. Sure. I'm Tanya. I

18:08

am a bubbly go getting girl

18:10

and I I love traveling by

18:12

you. Rail eggs.

18:16

The works of the absurd is played

18:18

right, Eugenio Nesco. And

18:20

I'd say my biggest pet peeve

18:22

is how wedding ruined by a

18:24

pork podcast. Right.

18:25

And and and

18:28

Barry? I work in

18:29

a pin factory. Anything

18:35

else?

18:45

Making pins.

18:48

Making pins. making pins

18:50

all day. Short

18:53

pins, long pins, pins, pins. pins.

18:55

pins. If the pins go

18:57

wrong, we put them in the

18:59

beans. Beans. Beans. I

19:02

make beans.

19:12

I've got to

19:12

say Barry that was pretty fucking weird.

19:20

I'm working at In factoring. And

19:22

I hear Barry that you

19:24

you don't

19:25

like beef.

19:30

It

19:30

was nineteen ninety eight, my

19:35

fourth birthday. My

19:44

whole

19:44

family gathered around Expectantly

19:47

waiting for me to try my first

19:50

beef. I put the

19:52

beef to my lips and

19:54

tried to swallow it, but it caught

19:56

in my throat. My

19:58

body would not

19:59

accept it. It was violently

20:03

expelled in a tornado of bloody

20:05

vomit, which fired out

20:07

from every orifice, including

20:10

some or emphasis I hadn't been aware of

20:13

previously for the following

20:15

thirty six hours. That

20:19

day, I

20:21

stopped growing.

20:27

I was a tall four

20:29

year old yes, but

20:33

imagine how vast I might have otherwise been

20:41

That's how we discovered that

20:45

I am a nil beef of

20:47

age.

20:47

A what?

20:50

A

20:50

nil beef of age. There are

20:52

other words for it, a bovafobe, both

20:54

of over juvenile

20:57

never beef, friend

21:00

of Daisy admiral's gimp. Essentially,

21:04

I can't eat

21:06

bees. No. No. The

21:08

Nilled beef fudge is just a myth used to

21:10

scratch Eldren, I work

21:12

in a pin factory. Come

21:16

on,

21:16

Barry. Let's

21:18

get married. Okay. I'm

21:21

sure

21:21

you can't eat beef and you're only

21:23

as tall as a four year old,

21:26

admittedly a five for ten four year old,

21:28

but and you're ultimately not very

21:31

exciting, but at

21:31

least you don't have a secret wife

21:33

and kids.

21:34

Okay. Well,

21:36

First on the order of service for the wedding is

21:38

a reading, and it doesn't seem like there's anyone here

21:40

to read that out. But luckily, our next guest might be able

21:42

to help with that. Please welcome. My

21:45

Bania. Hello.

21:51

Thank you. Michael,

21:55

now I'm audience will know that you are a former Bovine

21:57

poet Laureate, who then found out with the

21:59

Bovine Pharma's union, who stitched a cow face

22:01

to your face as a punishment and sent you

22:03

into exile in Spain, you

22:05

returned after the death of Beaufort from his union

22:07

and force of Runyon Crutch, only for you to be

22:09

shunned by the literary establishment on your return to

22:11

the UK, which led to you turning your

22:13

hand to television, which led you being

22:15

sued by the actor Paul Giamati,

22:17

which meant that you then had to have a cow you the

22:19

cow face letter on your face removed to sell to a

22:21

Russian billionaire to pay your legal fees However,

22:23

when that operation took place, you then had to

22:25

reattach a new cow's face to keep you

22:27

alive. Yes. And

22:29

throughout that period, I've also been

22:32

using a late twenty twelve MacBook,

22:34

which I'm sure a lot of

22:36

you already know really struggles with

22:38

any operating system beyond my Sierra.

22:42

So I've been through a lot. I've been through a lot.

22:44

Email's lagging much lagging

22:46

quite a lot. Yeah. Yes.

22:48

It's it's been it's been tough. How

22:50

is the new cow face bedding in? It's looking

22:52

alright? Thank you very much. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's

22:54

like a new pair of shoes. It's exactly the same

22:56

as a new pair of shoes. Just

22:58

just just a a monofaceted.

23:00

That's how I describe it

23:02

to people. And as

23:06

with a new pair of shoes. It's got to break it in.

23:08

You've got to break it in. Yeah. There's

23:10

some pain. There's some is it there's some

23:12

bleeding? I'm just looking at it. Mhmm. Is it a

23:14

bit small for you? me, man.

23:16

Definitely. Yeah. It's

23:20

a rude bit. Yeah. Oh, yes.

23:22

It's a little optimistic. It's a bit twenty

23:24

six. It's a it's a tight face. I've I've I've

23:26

currently got a I like to think of it as a

23:28

as a nice tight little face. We've

23:37

really all squeezed into that face. I don't need

23:39

it tonight, Michael. That's

23:41

how I think of it. Yeah.

23:43

I like the way you've you've poured your lives into

23:45

that face. There's some Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

23:47

Oh. Oh, you are bursting

23:49

out of that face. But

23:54

what I do for that is I'm having to

23:56

do Face Physio. Okay. So I do I

23:58

have to do daily Face

23:59

Physio to I'd have to to sort of break

24:02

break it down and make it supple from the

24:04

inside. Okay. The heart level. What does

24:06

that entail? So that entails, I have to run

24:08

through every every possible facial

24:10

expression every day. Wow.

24:12

It's more than you think because it's more

24:14

than you think that there's

24:16

there's anger. There's extreme anger. There's rage,

24:19

mega rage. There's

24:21

also anger, the frugalment, the confusion,

24:24

arousal around confusion, angry confusion, angry arousal. There there's

24:26

a huge I've got a huge

24:28

chart that I have to run through.

24:30

Disappointing avocado. Disappointing avocado.

24:32

no sexy avocado. Thought

24:37

it was an avocado, it wasn't.

24:39

It was a dragon's egg.

24:42

What was another

24:44

card? It was

24:44

a sexy dragon's egg, etcetera. There's a

24:46

huge fucking So how are you able

24:49

to know, you just go through the list every day. the thing is it's difficult.

24:51

I don't have to feel each emotion genuinely. That's

24:53

the thing I have to actually feel each of those emotions

24:56

otherwise doesn't work. Right. And so

24:58

obviously, there's only one way of

25:00

experiencing

25:00

all the the true

25:03

emotions. isn't there in a day. There's only one

25:05

person that can take you on that emotional

25:07

journey. Okay. And that is, of

25:09

course. The greatest action regeneration.

25:11

Samantha Islands. He's

25:15

so every day he he comes around to visit

25:18

me. It's all in the NHS as well.

25:20

It's incredible. too incredible.

25:22

Every morning he comes around

25:24

to visit me and

25:26

he does a medley

25:28

He performs the middle of all his greatest

25:31

roles. Yeah. I mean,

25:33

I'm struggling to think of the BFG

25:36

everything from the BFG

25:38

strictly all through the other films, the big

25:41

all the big ones. Now let's

25:43

think about Rylance. He a lot of

25:45

the

25:45

time, he's a huge and he's the greatest actor of all time and

25:47

no one no one has any doubts about that. But it's quite something that's

25:49

quite hard to to name check. Think of

25:51

the specific roles. But a lot of his greatest

25:54

that's because a lot of his graces roles are actually

25:57

playing other people playing

25:59

roles. That's how good he

26:02

Sorry. What do you

26:02

mean? Say for example. Look, we

26:05

don't know. He he played Harrison Ford,

26:07

playing Hand Solo in his postcodes back

26:09

for example. So you

26:11

watched the first film and did it inch

26:13

perfect inch perfect. Harrison

26:16

Ford. And that was Harrison Ford doing doing

26:18

doing this. He

26:19

lock he

26:22

has to lock the he

26:25

has to

26:26

lock up. He had to have the actor as

26:28

Yes. It locked them up in Royal Arts's dungeon.

26:31

Yeah. Yeah. And

26:36

And so

26:36

they're pretty still there, presumably. I didn't

26:39

know. He played Michael

26:41

Kain playing chewbacca in

26:43

return of the Jedi. if

26:45

you look at that film again, it's a it's a it's a cane

26:47

infected chewbacca. A lot of it

26:49

is like, oh, But

26:51

a lot of it, aerial notice. This

26:54

is a little infection he's put in.

26:56

He paid Kevin Kossner

27:00

doing just for the press interviews. He all of Kevin Kossa's press

27:02

interviews for dance of the walls. He played two of the walls

27:04

in dance of the walls. A lot of people say they're answering the

27:06

walls and dance of the walls. Well, of

27:08

course not. That's how well he played them.

27:10

Have you how many walls

27:12

you ever seen in your life? You didn't see walls. So

27:14

what do you mean? But they're

27:17

but they're they're they're they're

27:20

they're they're they're they're they're

27:22

they're they're He

27:25

played Pritel from the autumn

27:27

of twenty nineteen through to spring of twenty twenty

27:30

one. He played

27:32

in gold for Bruce at Dortland from

27:34

twenty fifteen to twenty eighteen, including the Champions

27:36

League run. He

27:38

played Emily close in the first

27:40

half of the prince Andrew interview, and

27:44

then I play prince Andrew in the

27:46

second half. So

27:51

despite these teething problems with the

27:53

face, it sounds like it's going well. I've

27:55

heard that it's given you a new lease of life creatively. It

27:58

really has, you know. And

28:00

I've

28:00

been doing something. I've I've often

28:03

wanted to do and I've thought about doing, which is I've

28:05

I've been trying pros.

28:07

Pros. I've been

28:10

writing pros. Right? Yeah.

28:12

So I wanted to write prose and

28:14

I've always felt

28:16

quite deeply that literally fucking

28:18

anyone can write children's Yeah.

28:23

because it's for

28:23

it's not a it doesn't count right. It doesn't count. It's

28:25

for children's sake. Literally, I've

28:28

always really felt that very, very

28:30

deeply. I think it'd

28:32

be a complete piece of

28:34

piss. And You're

28:36

literally writing for children. Is that do you

28:38

know what I mean? You're writing because you're writing for

28:40

idiots. Is it not all idiots? It's not all idiots. Yeah.

28:43

because they say everyone has a novel in them. I believe that everyone has at least

28:45

eight children's books in them and

28:47

two film adaptations and merch. I believe the

28:49

average person has a quarter of

28:51

million branded rucksacks

28:52

in them. So you

28:55

I I believe you've you've started a new

28:57

series, a series of children's books. It's

28:59

about a young boy. sent away to a

29:01

butcher's school. His name is Harold Porter. That's

29:03

right. Yeah. And is

29:05

it full sequence planned out? Yep.

29:07

Seven a horseback panned out. Yeah. It

29:09

was really easy panning them out as well.

29:11

Yeah. So seven seven in

29:13

in total Harold Porter and the Philosophers Cow

29:16

Harold Porter and

29:19

the chamber of meat crudes. Harold

29:22

Porter and the

29:24

Cairl loin of Askeby hellporter

29:28

in the gauntlet of gravy,

29:31

hellporter in the order of two steaks, three

29:33

beef mass man curries, and some sticky beef on side,

29:35

please? Help

29:37

order in the half fat

29:39

mince.

29:44

And Harold Potter

29:48

and the Deathly Tallows, which

29:52

is the phone would be fast. They knew

29:55

that. They knew that. And

29:57

that sounds to me like big screen potential. Our

29:59

big screen potential

29:59

retinal over it. thought

30:02

about the cast? Yes. I thought

30:04

I thought I I've had some some deep casting

30:06

thoughts. I thought probably go for the leading actor of our

30:08

time. Mark Rylance. No. I

30:10

I'm for get in his busy playing games with the

30:12

North for the next six years.

30:15

Right. Big gig for France. So

30:17

now I had to

30:19

go one down the One

30:21

case. Shane, not Paul Giametti.

30:23

Not Paul Giametti sadly. Unfortunately,

30:25

I can no longer be within two

30:28

thousand yards. a porta matty. because I'm a court order

30:30

or Then I just can't take

30:31

those pissing pissing eyes.

30:34

So intense. Okay. So who who have

30:36

you lined up for this.

30:38

Well, I believe the third greatest scientific all time, didn't

30:40

exist controversial, is Daniel Radcliffe.

30:47

Good. Just just a super

30:48

factor. And my plan is to

30:50

use CG technology. Right.

30:55

We

30:55

make him look

30:56

younger.

30:59

Imagine a young

31:01

Daniel Radcliffe So you're kind

31:03

of taking the Irishman technology -- Exactly.

31:05

-- and taking it even -- Exactly. --

31:07

yeah. Because obviously in the film, the Irishman, they

31:09

used CG technology. to

31:12

make an old Niro look like an old Robert

31:14

De Niro who had been

31:17

unsuccessfully turned into

31:19

a young Robert

31:22

Nero, by poorly

31:25

developed CG technology, rather

31:27

than an underlying bad

31:29

eye here. But we're

31:31

gonna improve on that. And

31:33

I think I think we can make it work. I think I think second

31:35

time, I think it's gonna work with us. We're also going to

31:37

use CG backwards technology to

31:40

to to D. H. Emma

31:42

Watson, you may have heard of? Do you know the

31:44

actress and campaign, Emma Watson? Mhmm. We

31:46

can depiate her, and she'll be playing Harold's

31:48

best friend who and me.

31:50

Okay. Am I and

31:52

me? Yeah. Brilliant. Well,

31:54

best level of that now. lucky you're

31:56

here, Michael, as as this is both a

31:58

podcast and a wedding for Tanya

32:01

and and Barry. You'll be careful.

32:03

saying

32:03

the word wedding. Too loud around me.

32:06

Sorry. Why? Because

32:08

if Jonathan Franzon he

32:12

has an app on his phone, which hacks all of his friend's

32:14

phones, and it hacks into the microphone, and

32:16

it it listens out for the word when

32:18

it when it goes if that goes to him, it

32:20

goes to his Google Maps and instantly it

32:22

it hires a horse for him.

32:24

And and he arrives there because

32:26

he loves an evening too.

32:30

Jonathan Ramsey has ruined more evening dues, and Kashy Ishigoro

32:32

has burned down branches of TGI Fridays.

32:37

Great. Well, the I'm glad you're here is that off of the wedding, there'll

32:39

be a poem and you're here to

32:41

read a poem from your new collection

32:44

I was wondering whether you could take the poem you were you were

32:46

going to read and dedicate it to Tanya and

32:49

Berry and and and do that. So

32:51

tell us about the the poem you're going

32:53

to read. Well, I mean, it is from

32:55

my my new collection, which

32:57

is poems exclusively about about

32:59

cow shit. Turd

33:03

highway. Right.

33:05

You're you're over there. I think we're gonna have to

33:07

go with it. So okay. Well, to promote his

33:09

new book and to honor the enduring love

33:11

between Tanya and

33:13

Barry. A poem

33:15

by Michael

33:16

Banyan. Okay. Maybe I can give a

33:18

little tweak to make I

33:20

make I make it about them. A little something for a happy couple

33:22

of years. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

33:25

So this this purpose is

33:27

simply called cow shit. It's based

33:31

on a on a on a on a on a true

33:33

event that took place in my life. This is years

33:35

before the cafes days. when

33:37

I was the Anupam coming poet

33:39

and, yeah, I'll let

33:42

the plan be the

33:44

talking. I

33:47

didn't fit in at the

33:48

picnic. Their

33:51

disdain was barely concealed.

33:53

So I

33:54

said I was feeling a bit sick.

33:56

have escaped by way of

33:58

the field. All

34:01

around

34:01

around me me,

34:03

you lay sleeping, General

34:06

faces turned to the skies.

34:08

Not talking, not judging. just

34:13

softly seeping. In

34:14

crust, it turns in the

34:17

shape of hot pies. Some

34:22

fresh faced

34:24

and soft like an

34:26

on the turn

34:29

souffle, and others brittle

34:32

skinned with time like

34:34

a rancid creme brulee. In

34:38

a way, you look like flying

34:40

saucers descend it down from

34:42

heaven, a race of

34:45

friendly marshes all the way from

34:47

Turgelon seven. No mouths

34:50

to mock

34:51

and to

34:54

hate me. No eyes to squint into

34:56

judge. Just bare

34:57

faced, feces, frisbees, friends

35:00

sculpted

35:00

from branched all to

35:02

fudge.

35:03

I christened the

35:05

stringy one, Jimmy.

35:07

Steamy Sue was the bell

35:09

of the ball.

35:12

Ronnie Jack was dripping on Timmy, and

35:14

the lumpy one had to be pulled.

35:19

Here was

35:22

a smooth faced young charlie,

35:24

and there was a wrinkly

35:26

old clive. And Sven almost seemed

35:29

to be winking. Good Lord, were

35:31

they really alive? Old Hamish had gone

35:33

a bit yellow, and Keith was

35:35

attractive to flies. Red Tim

35:38

was a strange looking fellow, I'll warrant that cow shortly

35:40

dies. I

35:46

was getting the

35:50

eye from Big Carol, but

35:52

smooth Jane I decided

35:54

to embrace and Gloopy Young Sue was a lovely last two I

35:56

stooped down to kiss her wet face.

36:03

When

36:09

the picnic has finally

36:12

found me, They shouted, where have

36:13

you been? What?

36:14

What the fuck are

36:16

you doing? What? The

36:19

fuck are you doing? Why

36:22

are you why

36:24

are you kissing the

36:28

tards?

36:38

But please, can we join you

36:40

where jealous was the far

36:42

deeper truth that I heard? With

36:46

my new fecal friends, I

36:49

truly had found companionship

36:51

rich beyond words.

36:55

I hear you're a great

36:57

couple, tenure and Barry.

37:00

Like a couple of

37:03

seeping old turds.

37:13

a a

37:17

beautiful tribute.

37:20

Thank you very much, Michael. Sorry.

37:21

Did you compare me and my

37:23

husband Yep. Yo. I'm not the

37:24

one that chose to get

37:25

married during a

37:28

beef podcast.

37:28

Am I? What the word chose is

37:30

doing a lot of work there, isn't it?

37:32

Kinda say, I meet your

37:34

husband. Seems very, very odd. And

37:39

and I'm talking

37:42

as someone who was there for the whole

37:45

of on a tat. Laser Quest every day

37:47

for sixty days phase. Yeah. Well, thank

37:49

you for coming in, Michael. Michael

37:51

Bangnan, everyone. Goodbye.

37:55

Now for

37:58

the

37:59

the

37:59

next stage of your wedding, sadly,

38:02

Tanya and Barry, many of your friends

38:04

and family shouldn't be here today, but they've left some message

38:06

messages for you, which we can now

38:08

watch.

38:08

Tanya. Hi,

38:10

Tom here. Just

38:13

a quick video message saying, sorry, I can't be there with

38:15

you today, but hope we have the best day. We

38:18

can han continue

38:20

bearing. getting married.

38:23

Never thought all those years ago in

38:25

the common room that, you know, you didn't

38:27

end

38:27

up with him.

38:28

pop. Here we are. We all

38:30

make choices. Have a really great

38:33

day. Enjoy yourself. and

38:36

remember to take take some

38:38

time out in the day and and,

38:41

you know, ask yourself what

38:44

you're doing. Alright. Have a

38:46

good one. Hey, Tanya. Barry, I'm I'm

38:48

really sorry. I can't make it to your wedding. I

38:50

just I just really

38:53

don't wanna come. Sorry, it's me again. I'm still

38:56

trying to wrap my brain around it.

38:58

I'm nearly but me can't. It's ten

39:00

year. Think about this.

39:01

It's very Hi,

39:04

Tanya. Hi, Barry. I'm so sorry I can't

39:06

beat you wedding. I hope you have a lovely

39:08

day, but I guess it is just as

39:10

well because very such a boring bastard. Look.

39:12

and nowhere cousins. We've

39:14

got a connection. Hi,

39:18

Lucy

39:18

here. I just wanted to say

39:20

congratulations on your big

39:23

day. Tanya. I'm

39:25

Barry. I'm so sorry I can't be with

39:27

you today, but I hope that you're having a

39:30

lovely time and that Barry ruining

39:32

it by being an absolute disgrace

39:34

as usual. It

39:35

just it's Barry. Okay.

39:38

I'm just I'm just I'm

39:40

just just let's say, there are other

39:42

options out there. Okay. You know, and I know right with second

39:44

cousins, but that shouldn't stop anything.

39:47

Okay. Hey, Tanya.

39:50

So sorry, not gonna be there at the weekend for your

39:52

wedding. I'm not gonna miss you

39:54

loads, but I hope you have

39:57

an amazing time. Yeah.

40:00

And wonderful life going forward with with

40:02

with but no. I'm I'm

40:05

recording a message for ten year

40:07

and a boring comfort feel,

40:09

oh, eight. It's not

40:12

illegal to marry your cousin.

40:25

Barry,

40:25

how does that feel watching that montage

40:27

of well wishes?

40:30

But

40:33

I work a pin factory.

40:36

Sorry. Sorry. There

40:36

is actually one more video message,

40:39

please. Oh, sorry. Okay.

40:44

Tanya.

40:44

When I found out you were getting

40:46

married, it felt like a blow to the

40:49

heart and anus. Not

40:52

many people know that the two

40:54

are intrinsically linked. Anyway, driven

40:56

mad with

40:56

a jealousy knife. Try to turn

40:58

your family and friends against Barry.

41:01

and afraid I sabotaged the

41:04

room booking to try

41:06

and stop the wedding going ahead.

41:10

I'm

41:10

so sorry. It's just that

41:12

I can't even close my

41:13

eyes without tasting

41:16

that

41:17

hot orange

41:34

Tanya, in the process

41:36

of sabotaging your wedding, I've learned two things.

41:38

One, I love you.

41:41

And two, an

41:43

alarming number of cousins are sexually attracted

41:45

to you. It's not a

41:47

legal, Bob. Is it is It's not

41:49

it's not it's I know

41:52

Barry isn't a prick. You know,

41:54

he's he's nice. Too nice. You might

41:56

say all that I did once when I was following you

41:58

guys in the shadows. I did witness. I

42:00

think him skipping away after a

42:02

hit and run. So there's a bit of

42:04

edge. But the point is he

42:06

can't give you what I can give you

42:08

spontaneity, hot,

42:12

orangina. Oh, you big

42:16

sexy armbits, Barry? I'm sorry. I'm looking at

42:18

manufacturing.

42:20

Tanya, what do you

42:22

minding me?

42:24

I don't I don't have a ring, but I do have this dry

42:26

up calziness that I phoned him. It

42:30

cost me three thousand pounds.

42:34

More of that

42:37

after the break.

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44:20

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44:23

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did it over here correctly that you are part of your

44:52

life and miss your wife with her

44:54

weird voice. Weird voice.

44:56

Weird voice. Weird voice.

44:58

Weird voice. Wait a minute. Wait a

45:00

minute. Wait

45:08

the That

45:15

that's right. Weird voice. Yes. Yes, I

45:17

miss her. Well, what would you say

45:19

if I told you that there was

45:21

an unlimited number

45:24

of parallel universe is where your wife is still

45:26

alive and the government

45:28

are still trying to tell

45:31

everyone's family meet and that I can take you

45:34

there in

45:36

this box.

45:39

I'd say, let's

45:42

go. Okay.

45:44

okay Now

45:50

hold

45:53

on tight to the special

45:55

handles on the box. Okay.

45:59

Quite

46:05

a ride. Now, this

46:08

is your home,

46:10

but in a parallel universe, where

46:12

everything is the same. But your wife

46:14

is still

46:15

alive. Why are there

46:18

chickens everywhere? Oh, yes. Sorry.

46:20

That's the only other difference. This is

46:22

your home, but in a parallel universe

46:24

where everything is the same, but

46:26

your wife is still alive, and there are over twenty

46:28

chickens in every room.

46:30

Oh my god. I

46:34

think she's through there.

46:36

Oh my

46:36

gosh. I'm touching me.

46:51

You saved me

46:54

once again from the government, goons,

46:56

and saved our family meat.

46:58

If there weren't over twenty chickens in this room, I'd

47:01

make a love to you right here and now.

47:03

Let the chickens

47:05

look baby. Stop

47:09

right there. Who are

47:12

you? What? You're slash b.

47:14

That's right. I'm slash b. I'm slash b.

47:16

Slash b.

47:18

Slash b. That's right.

47:22

I'm slash beef. And

47:26

you are fucking my

47:31

wife.

47:45

slash, you've just killed

47:48

yourself in another dimension.

47:50

That have

47:52

wide ranging effects across the multiverse. Well,

47:54

you could have explained that beforehand. I

47:57

should never have listened to

47:59

you. I should have recruited a scientist

48:01

through zipracuda

48:04

dot com.

48:11

Right.

48:12

We're and

48:15

we're back from

48:18

the amps. Tanya, will you marry

48:20

me instead of bury?

48:22

May I say something?

48:25

Come on. I know I'm not the

48:27

most exciting man in the

48:30

world. I'm not sure if I've ever told you this,

48:32

but I work in a

48:33

pin factory. Maybe

48:36

that's why so

48:37

many people in that video called

48:39

me a prick. Just

48:41

pin

48:45

joke for you there. You see in

48:47

this world, some people are born

48:49

with with an inherent

48:52

quality, one difficult to

48:54

define being interesting.

48:56

Actually, I

48:57

suppose that wasn't that

49:00

difficult to

49:02

define. that those people grow up to do interesting things

49:04

like being insurance claims adjusters

49:06

or health and safety

49:08

inspectors or Nicholas Whittle. Not

49:14

me. I work in a pin

49:16

factory and try as

49:18

I might become

49:20

interesting to by buying

49:22

who did jumper or having

49:24

a cup of tea after one PM or

49:27

mixing two breakfast cereals

49:32

together, all brand and

49:34

brand flakes. It never

49:36

seems to work. The

49:40

most and only

49:42

interesting thing I've

49:43

ever done is love

49:45

you, Tanya. And

49:47

that hit and

49:50

run, I

49:52

did. Sorry, Barry. That

49:54

was nice, Noble. She

49:57

wants to

49:58

guy that was nice nobody wants them

49:59

marry me. an

50:01

international globe dropping arthlet with massive

50:04

hands. Actually, no, I

50:06

don't,

50:06

Bob.

50:07

propose to me on

50:09

my wedding day. Yes. We spent

50:11

a wonderful week together in my Orchka

50:13

drinking hot, Orangeina.

50:16

But Barry is the right man

50:18

for me. After that week in May

50:20

or can you left me high and dry? And

50:22

the

50:22

thing I haven't mentioned yet is that

50:24

you stole all my traveler's checks and my

50:26

passport. Like, she

50:27

had to swim home. But I

50:30

would never do that to me.

50:32

He's dependable. And,

50:34

sexually, he goes like a

50:35

train, by which I mean that if you

50:37

take away the element of friction by using

50:39

a huge electromagnet, he can go up to three

50:41

hundred miles per hour Come

50:47

on,

50:51

Barry. We can't married to the service.

50:53

Mhmm. Okay. The service will take place using

50:55

the traditional beef service used to marry members

50:57

of the Roman Farmers Union

50:59

since the reformation. Thank you,

51:04

Tanya. I work in a

51:06

pin factory.

51:06

for

51:12

you.

51:13

the

51:25

Welcome all. You know, I gathered here

51:28

today in the side of

51:30

Beef to join together Tanya and

51:32

Barry and

51:34

Holy Matrimony. Tanya and Barry, you've come

51:36

together this day so that beef may seal and strengthen your love.

51:39

And this community of

51:41

friends and cousins. I

51:46

wonder if Michael would do

51:48

the reading, It's

51:49

in the script, you

51:51

know. I thought

51:54

he meant Michael wasn't

51:56

heck.

51:58

Whose Michael

51:59

Wolfgang. No

52:04

idea. What

52:07

the the Traktor seat design

52:09

pioneer, Mike Rosner. Yeah.

52:23

Beef is

52:24

patient. Beef

52:27

is kind. It does not

52:29

envy. It does not boast. It

52:31

is not proud. It is

52:33

not rude, it is not self seeking, it is

52:35

not easily angered, it keeps

52:37

no record

52:38

of wrongs. Beaf

52:41

does not delight in

52:44

evil but rejoices with the

52:46

truth. It always

52:48

protects, always trust Always hopes,

52:51

always perseverance. Beef.

52:58

Tanya, repeat after me.

53:00

I, Tanya.

53:02

I, Tanya. Take the Jonathan

53:06

Tonsana. Sorry.

53:08

I take the barry. I take the barry. To

53:11

be my husband. To be

53:13

my husband. cousin or

53:16

non cousin. Cousin or non cousin. To have

53:17

it to hold for this day fourth. To

53:18

have it to hold from this day fourth.

53:20

And Barry -- I've actually

53:22

written my own vows.

53:25

Oh, so romantic.

53:28

Thank you, Barry. So

53:30

repeat after me.

53:32

Yep. I work

53:34

in a pin factory. I

53:36

work in a pin factory. Was

53:42

that it? Yes.

53:46

Okay. So by the power vested in

53:48

beef, I

53:50

now pronounce you.

53:51

Tanya and Barry.

53:59

And that

54:00

is time for our

54:02

final section. Ask a vet.

54:04

Your chance to ask any questions

54:07

of the vet, Bob Tzgravic. And we we

54:10

will take him an audience, Mike,

54:12

to this person. So the first one comes

54:14

from Clive from Little Hampton

54:16

who's over here. She can bring the orders to make

54:18

over.

54:21

Hi,

54:24

Bob. Can look live. My horse egg aren't

54:26

going down very well with the family of the

54:28

horselegs. Yeah. At at at

54:30

family breakfast.

54:32

Mhmm. How can I

54:34

improve their taste? Yes. The bitter Acrid

54:36

taste of the horse egg.

54:42

That's a strange phenomenon where the taste

54:44

comes entirely visually from a horse

54:46

egg because they look so foul

54:48

and rancid. It's such an over parrot

54:51

vision, you assume they taste accurate.

54:53

So eat them blindfolded or

54:56

or or score out thionized with their thumbs.

55:01

eat them blind. If you

55:03

nervous about doing that for the first time, then just get

55:05

put them in a sort of mystery breakfast

55:08

buffet with a few different items. You got your horse eggs.

55:10

You got Duck eggs, you got your hands, you got your yogurts, and you know, try different things,

55:12

and you won't notice when the whole things go down. That's

55:14

the key. Thanks.

55:16

Did that answer your question? Excellent.

55:19

Thank you, Bob, for answering my question. Thank you, Bob.

55:22

Wait. Wait. I have a

55:24

question for the vet.

55:26

What would you

55:28

do?

55:29

if you made the biggest mistake of

55:31

your life. Gone.

55:38

Look, I've been married

55:40

to Jonathan Tonsana.

55:44

Sorry. Barry. for upwards

55:46

of seven excruciating minutes.

55:50

And the only thing

55:51

that's made it bearable is that you

55:53

were there as

55:54

well. And honestly, the hit and run

55:55

thing has left a very sour taste in

55:57

my

55:57

mouth. Well, I can think of

55:59

something that could take that sour

56:02

taste away. Will

56:20

I

56:21

also have

56:22

a question to ask

56:24

the vet? So you better listen

56:27

and listen good? I have

56:29

a sick pig that keeps vomiting in

56:31

my shoes

56:33

and Tanya,

56:37

Bob.

56:38

that Tanya,

56:41

why? Why? Why? I

56:46

look in a

56:49

big factory. Oh.

56:53

What's the

56:54

point without her?

56:56

I'm

56:56

gonna do myself

56:58

in. I'm gonna

57:00

run myself through

57:03

with a pen.

57:26

So that's all we've got time for

57:27

this month. If you have to more beef and dairy news, get over

57:29

to the website now where you can find all the

57:32

usual stuff and of course there's the off topic

57:34

section where

57:36

this month we run down Joanna Lumberly's favorite Romanian stations

57:38

accessible by boat. But

57:42

until next

57:43

time,

57:45

be found

57:51

moutes.

57:56

Thanks to the

58:00

Natus

58:01

Age, Tom Crowley, Mike

58:04

Wozniak, Henry

58:06

Packer, Najid Kamal, Vivian Almond, Rob Gilroy,

58:08

Clarissa Maycock, William Cleveley,

58:10

Kim Covington, James Maltby,

58:14

Max Davis, Alan Giles, and also thanks to

58:16

everyone who came and saw us at the London Podcast

58:18

Festival. It was

58:20

most fun.

58:22

Bye.

58:22

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58:24

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58:26

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58:29

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