0:00

You're listening to Better Than Before

0:02

Breast Cancer with the Breast Cancer

0:04

Recovery Coach. I'm your host, Laura

0:06

Lummer. I'm a certified life coach

0:08

and I'm a breast cancer thriver.

0:10

In this podcast, I will give

0:12

you the skills on the insides

0:14

and the tools to move past

0:16

the emotional and physical trauma of

0:18

a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're

0:20

looking for a way to create

0:22

a life that's even better than

0:24

Before Breast Cancer, you've come to

0:26

the right place. Let's get started.

0:33

Hey, friends, welcome to episode 397

0:35

of Better Than Before Breast Cancer. I'm

0:37

your host, Laura Lummer. I'm thrilled

0:39

to be here with you today and

0:41

I want to start off this

0:43

show with a thank you and an

0:45

acknowledgement. So first of

0:47

all, thank you. Your username is

0:49

Cora Lovey, which is really cute. I

0:51

like your username. Cora Lovey left

0:53

a review for the podcast and I

0:55

want to share it because I

0:57

want to address it. It was

1:00

a great review and thank you so

1:02

much for taking the time to do

1:04

that. I really, really appreciate it. And

1:06

what you said in your review that

1:08

I want to address is that my

1:10

only complaint about this podcast is

1:12

that it's for breast cancer survivors. The

1:14

information here is so juicy, rich

1:16

and helpful for living. I constantly want

1:18

to recommend it to friends who

1:20

are not going through cancer. Yes,

1:23

thank you for acknowledging that. And I

1:25

want to say something about it because

1:27

I hear this all the time. I

1:29

hear this from my clients. I receive

1:31

messages from people who don't have cancer

1:34

and never have had cancer that do

1:36

listen to the podcast. And it's an

1:38

important thing to bring up. It's an

1:40

interesting thought that we have that we

1:42

can't share this information because it's about

1:44

breast cancer, right? But it's not

1:46

about breast cancer at all, right? It

1:48

is about life and it is

1:51

about living and it is about loving

1:53

yourself more and creating a life

1:55

that's better than before breast cancer. I,

1:58

of course, named

2:00

the podcast. that because it

2:02

was a diagnosis of breast cancer

2:04

that changed my life. And it

2:07

was a diagnosis of breast cancer

2:09

that brought me into a community

2:11

of women who were struggling to

2:13

align their lives and themselves with

2:15

the way they wanted to live

2:17

after a breast cancer diagnosis opened

2:20

their eyes to a lot of

2:22

things. And they didn't have the

2:24

tools or the understanding of how

2:26

to implement these changes. So in

2:29

my community, right, this is the

2:31

women that I support are women

2:33

who have had breast cancer, but

2:35

I also do support other people,

2:37

and you're absolutely right. This information

2:40

is about living. But in order

2:42

to make sure that I reach

2:44

the audience of women who I

2:46

know are struggling after a breast

2:48

cancer diagnosis, hence the title of

2:50

the podcast, right? And it's my

2:52

own experience. You know, my own

2:54

experience of healing, of living, of

2:56

realigning my life is really just

2:58

the foundation of it was a

3:00

cancer diagnosis. So Cora Lovey, thank

3:02

you for bringing that up. It's

3:04

a very important topic and I

3:06

will tell you what. Here's a little... I

3:09

don't know, sneak peek, it's not a

3:11

preview yet because it's not ready yet.

3:13

But I've heard this so much and

3:15

I've had so often clients of mine

3:17

reach out to and say, would you

3:19

work with a friend of mine? Would

3:21

you work with a family member of

3:23

mine? And of course, I would work

3:25

with anyone who needs help. But my

3:27

better than before a breast cancer life

3:29

coaching membership is a sacred space for

3:31

women who have had breast cancer. So

3:33

that is a space that I don't

3:35

just bring anybody into, right into, right.

3:37

Even though all of this

3:40

information applies to life, we

3:42

do have a very meaningful,

3:44

traumatizing, transformative experience

3:47

as people who have had a

3:49

cancer diagnosis, and it's important to

3:52

me to hold a safe space

3:54

where these women feel that they

3:56

can come and be understood by

3:59

other women. I even have a

4:01

breast cancer recovery group, which is a

4:03

free Facebook group. And there are

4:05

over a thousand women in there. And

4:07

I often have people who are

4:09

support people or caretakers for those who've

4:11

been diagnosed. And they will ask

4:13

to join the group because they want

4:15

information or feedback or hear what

4:17

other women are going through. And so

4:20

I pull that Facebook group and

4:22

I ask those women, is this okay

4:24

with you? Do you want me

4:26

to let family members in or support

4:28

people in? And it is a resounding,

4:30

no, every time I ask. They

4:32

say, no, we want to save space

4:34

where we understand each other. We

4:36

want to save space where we can

4:38

talk about what we're going through

4:40

and what we've been through and ask

4:42

questions of other people who get

4:44

it. And I've been there. So, I

4:46

think that this is the way

4:48

the human brain works. We really resonate.

4:50

It's almost like, no matter what

4:52

we've been through, if it's a college

4:54

alma mater, if it's a life -changing

4:56

experience, if people were in the

4:58

military service, if people have had a

5:01

cancer diagnosis, there's something in us

5:03

that resonates. And we meet

5:05

those people, we understand that we've

5:07

had a shared experience and

5:09

there's just a, I don't

5:11

know, a connection, right? And we

5:13

say, oh, you get it. You know

5:15

what I mean. Because we know

5:17

people outside of a specific experience can

5:19

certainly be empathetic, right? They can

5:21

certainly hear what our experience was and

5:24

they'll be like, oh, I'm so

5:26

sorry. But there is a big difference between

5:29

people who have not had a diagnosis

5:32

or any other traumatic life experience and

5:34

people who feel empathy for those, right?

5:36

There really is a difference. And so

5:38

that energy of holding that space for

5:40

those who've had this diagnosis is something

5:42

that's very, very important to me and

5:44

reaching them so that they don't feel

5:46

like they're out there alone. Hence again,

5:48

better than before breast cancer title. But

5:50

I did say, I was gonna give

5:52

you a little bit of a sneak

5:54

peek, a little preview. And because I've

5:56

had so many people reach out to

5:59

me and because Because I have, gosh,

6:01

almost five years of lessons

6:03

and content and coaching and

6:05

courses inside my life coaching

6:08

memberships, I have decided to

6:10

repackage them in a way that

6:12

people who haven't had a cancer

6:14

diagnosis can still resonate with and

6:17

look forward to more announcements about

6:19

this, it would be something outside

6:22

my better than before breast cancer

6:24

life coaching membership because I've just...

6:26

hopefully stated pretty clearly, that's a

6:29

very sacred space for me. But

6:31

it will be something, and I'll

6:34

give you, in fact, I will,

6:36

I'll tell you the new URL

6:39

so that it can reach a

6:41

broader audience and support people who

6:43

really want to make the change

6:45

in their life, in their health,

6:48

and just bring more joy and

6:50

more empowerment in. And the URL

6:52

for what is to come is

6:54

called University of Unlearning. And

6:56

that was inspired by a book.

6:58

the boy, the horse, the fox, and

7:00

the mole that was given to me

7:02

by one of my very special clients.

7:04

And it is a quote from that

7:06

book where the little boy is talking

7:08

to the horse and he says, I

7:10

wish there was a school of un learning.

7:13

And one day I was walking on

7:15

the beach and that's my place where

7:17

I meditate. It's my place where things

7:19

come to me. And it was just

7:21

something that came to me so strong.

7:23

And it was like, you can put

7:26

this out there into the world to

7:28

help even more people in a way

7:30

that doesn't take away from the energy

7:33

and the time and the effort and

7:35

the space that I've created for my

7:37

very special community of breast cancer drivers.

7:40

All right? So hopefully, that's exciting for

7:42

you. It's exciting for me. It's in

7:44

the works. It's a lot of work

7:47

and it's not coming out next week

7:49

or anything like that, but I

7:51

will keep you posted. And meanwhile.

7:53

Share this podcast with people. Feel free to

7:55

do it and let them know this is

7:57

not about cancer. I even have friends

8:00

who have been through breast cancer and they

8:02

say, I know, I would love to listen

8:04

to your podcast, but I can't deal with

8:06

hearing more about cancer. My podcast

8:08

is not about cancer. It is

8:10

about living your best life, right? It's

8:12

about understanding how to take charge of

8:14

your thoughts, of your health, of your

8:16

relationships, of anything you want in your

8:19

life, because I'm not an oncologist. So

8:21

I don't know about cancer and I

8:23

don't focus on cancer, but I do

8:25

know a lot about health and I

8:27

do know a lot about wellness and

8:29

I am educated and trained in that

8:31

and that's what this is about. So

8:34

it's perfectly okay to share it. And in

8:36

fact, this is a great segue into what

8:38

we're going to talk about today. So this

8:40

is about life. This is coming up

8:42

now on the end of January and

8:44

something that starts to happen around the

8:47

end of January. But it happens all

8:49

throughout our throughout our life. is we

8:51

start to kind of feel a little

8:54

let down maybe feel a

8:56

little discouraged about New Year's

8:58

resolutions or new goals

9:00

we set for ourselves. We're coming

9:03

up to being a month into

9:05

this and we start to be

9:07

like, oh, this is never going

9:09

to work or I've already dropped

9:11

the ball. Disappointment

9:14

is a really interesting

9:16

thing. And I want to talk

9:18

about it because The idea of

9:20

disappointment is something that really

9:23

it can be a huge

9:25

blockade to creating a life

9:27

you love, just a huge

9:29

block. So I want to

9:32

talk about why we feel

9:34

disappointment so deeply and what

9:36

it actually is, right? How

9:39

do we unknowingly set ourselves

9:41

up for disappointment?

9:43

And most importantly...

9:46

How can we shift our mindset

9:48

to navigate disappointment? Not to

9:50

not feel it, because disappointment

9:52

is the human emotion, and I

9:55

actually think every human emotion is

9:57

valuable, even when they are uncalled?

10:00

comfortable, right? Disappointment? It's uncomfortable.

10:02

It doesn't feel good. But

10:04

if we resist it, if

10:06

we try to design a

10:08

life around never feeling

10:10

disappointed, how in the world is

10:12

that life gonna look? That's a

10:14

life of never trying anything new.

10:17

That's a life of never putting

10:19

yourself out there. It's a life of

10:21

like no hope in my opinion because

10:23

we're going to try things and we're

10:25

going to fail. We're not going to see

10:28

the outcome the way we want it to

10:30

be. It's going to happen as long as

10:32

we're focused on growth. It's inevitable. So how

10:34

do we navigate that? You know, when I

10:37

was going through my life coach school,

10:39

my life coach training at the life

10:41

coach school, Brooke Castillo, the founder of

10:43

the life coach school, she taught a

10:45

skill that I think is super valuable

10:47

and is one that I work with

10:49

my own clients on. And it's setting

10:51

yourself up for 25 things you're willing

10:53

to try and fail and fail at.

10:55

That's a huge lesson, right? And

10:57

I've heard people say in response

10:59

to that, why would I want

11:01

to fail at something? It isn't that

11:03

you want to, is that you're willing

11:05

to, is that you're willing to

11:07

risk, even though you know it

11:10

might not be successful, because in

11:12

taking the risk of trying 25

11:14

new things, in taking that chance

11:16

and that risk and that effort

11:18

and that growth, you're going to

11:21

learn. you're going to grow, you're

11:23

going to learn what worked and

11:25

what didn't work, you're going to

11:27

create change in your life. So

11:29

it's really powerful because there's so many

11:32

things in our mind that we

11:34

will have to overcome in order

11:36

to be willing to try 25

11:38

new things and let go of the

11:40

expectation of their outcome. So

11:42

that's where we're going to start

11:45

with this very simple and very

11:47

clear truth. Disappointment.

11:49

stems from unmet expectations.

11:51

And those expectations, where do

11:54

they come from? Well, they're

11:56

rooted in how we want

11:58

people to behave. how we think

12:00

situations should unfold, how we think

12:03

things should end up. So let

12:05

me give you a really profound

12:07

example that if you're listening to

12:09

this show, you've probably experienced. The

12:11

idea that you're doing everything you

12:14

can to support yourself to be

12:16

well and healthy and heal, and

12:18

then you receive lab work or

12:21

a scan that you don't like

12:23

that has an outcome that doesn't

12:25

make you happy. And so you

12:27

feel very disappointed. Right? Let's say,

12:29

and many of us have experienced

12:31

this because it's a big thing

12:33

that's talked about in the world

12:35

of a diagnosis, right? People get

12:37

ghosted. We say we're ghosted cancer.

12:40

I think they call it cancer ghosting.

12:42

It's not just breast cancer. It's all

12:44

around. And people say, you know, I

12:46

got a diagnosis and so and so

12:48

didn't show up for me. I never called.

12:50

They never came. They never did

12:52

anything. I thought this person was

12:54

so different and they ghosted me. Right?

12:57

So we feel crushed. They

12:59

didn't show up. They didn't respond

13:01

in the way you think

13:03

they should. Right? This situation,

13:06

this circumstance, didn't produce

13:08

the outcome. You wanted

13:11

it to produce. This

13:13

is the decision to

13:16

attach your emotions to

13:18

an outcome. And then

13:20

facing the reality that

13:22

things didn't go as

13:24

planned. That outcome. did

13:26

not manifest in the way

13:28

you wanted it to. So

13:30

you already decided, if this

13:33

doesn't happen, I'm going to

13:35

be disappointed. And I'm going to

13:37

talk to you about. other ways we

13:39

can look at that. So there was

13:41

some research on the psychology of disappointment

13:43

and I will link to that study

13:46

in the show notes for this episode,

13:48

that study and the others I'll refer

13:50

to here. You'll find those at the

13:52

Breast Cancer Recovery Coach.com/397. Anyway, so there

13:55

was this research done by Zeelandberg and

13:57

what they found was that disappointment arises

13:59

when reality doesn't meet our

14:01

expectations. An interesting thing here

14:04

is that disappointment in the

14:06

study that they looked at

14:09

was very distinct from regret

14:11

because regret focuses on our

14:13

choices. We're disappointment focuses on

14:16

the external world not aligning

14:18

with what we wanted. So what can

14:20

we take away from that is that

14:22

we're not just reacting to what happens,

14:25

okay? We're reacting to what we

14:27

expected to happen. We are setting

14:29

ourselves up for this. And

14:32

another major cause of disappointment,

14:34

as I alluded to, is

14:36

the expectation that other people

14:39

will behave the way we think

14:41

they should. So we project

14:43

our values, our beliefs, our

14:45

experiences on other people. And

14:48

when they don't align, their

14:50

words, their actions don't align

14:52

with what we expect, we feel

14:54

let down. But we have to

14:56

recall... that everyone has their

14:58

own lens through which they

15:00

view the world. They have their

15:02

own lens, their own experiences,

15:05

their own ideas, their own

15:07

traumas, right? And when we

15:10

think people should act like

15:12

us, we're expecting people to

15:15

have had the same life

15:17

experience as us. And that's just

15:19

not realistic, right? People are not us.

15:22

And one of the things that happens

15:24

is that when we start to project

15:26

our own manuals, our own rulebook on

15:28

these people, you should behave this way.

15:31

And we've got them, we've got big

15:33

rulebooks, right? I think there was a

15:35

lesson, I can't remember when in my

15:37

life coaching membership, where I just call

15:40

it, burn the manual. We've got to

15:42

look at these rule books we

15:44

established for life, and we've got

15:46

to practice radical acceptance. Acknowledging

15:50

people and circumstances for

15:52

who and what they

15:54

are, not who and

15:57

what we wish they

15:59

would be. I'm going to be

16:01

very clear. This does not mean

16:03

that you have to accept harmful

16:05

behavior. And I actually think that

16:07

this helps us more clearly to

16:09

see when others' behavior is harmful to

16:12

us and the choices we make to

16:14

allow it into our lives or not.

16:16

And I'll give you an example. When

16:18

we are with someone, and I don't

16:20

mean like romantically involved

16:22

in someone, when we're engaged,

16:25

someone is in our life.

16:27

And we perceive that person's

16:29

behavior as being in violation

16:31

of maybe some of our

16:33

healthy boundaries. And yet we

16:35

look at the person and

16:37

we say, well, maybe it was

16:40

this, and maybe this is wild.

16:42

Maybe if I do something different,

16:44

they will change. And then we

16:47

put our hope and our expectation

16:49

in them changing. Then it becomes

16:51

like a tip for Tet. Well,

16:53

they still didn't change and I

16:55

did all this work and they

16:58

didn't change and they're still not

17:00

doing what I expected them to do,

17:02

right? And we don't get to control

17:04

other people, other adults, right?

17:06

That doesn't happen. And so when

17:08

we can step back and instead

17:10

of putting this expectation or belief

17:13

on another person or on any

17:15

outside circumstance, but we can stop

17:17

and we can. Look at that

17:19

and just accept it for what

17:21

it is and say, this is that

17:23

person, right? I see you, right? I

17:26

see who you are. I

17:28

see how you respond. I

17:30

see your expectations. I see

17:32

your behaviors. Let me ask

17:34

myself without judging the person,

17:36

right? You're bad. You're horrible.

17:39

You're this or that. But

17:41

let me ask myself, is that

17:43

the way I want to be treated.

17:46

Is that the type of behavior I

17:48

want to accept in my life?

17:50

When we see people for who they

17:52

are, when we see circumstances for

17:54

what they are, then we

17:56

can ask better questions and

17:58

we can become... empowered. So

18:00

instead of attaching our

18:03

emotion to another person's

18:05

behavior, we can just

18:07

observe another person's behavior

18:09

and we can decide the choice

18:11

we want to make for

18:13

ourselves, our health, our wellness,

18:15

our happiness, our joy. So it

18:18

really is a process of

18:20

releasing the need to control

18:22

another person's actions and the

18:24

need to control another person's

18:26

outcomes. And when you do

18:28

this, you actually release yourself

18:30

from the cycle of frustration

18:32

and disappointment because you release

18:34

yourself from attaching your emotions

18:37

to something you cannot control

18:39

and to empower yourself to

18:41

ask yourself better questions. What

18:43

did I set myself up for?

18:45

What do I want in this

18:47

situation? Am I okay with this?

18:49

How do I need to handle

18:51

this differently so that it works

18:53

better for my life? Right? So

18:56

let's talk about this. I mentioned

18:58

earlier in the show, I said,

19:00

okay, now it's January. We already

19:02

might start falling off of some of

19:04

the things we said we were going

19:06

to do when we said goals for

19:09

ourselves. So let's talk for a

19:11

suck about goal setting. Because if

19:13

we don't have dreams and desires,

19:15

then we really need to get

19:17

help because we are stuck in

19:19

a rut and that does not

19:22

feel good. There's absolutely nothing

19:24

wrong with striving for something.

19:26

It's wonderful. The challenge comes

19:29

in where we emotionally attach

19:31

ourselves to the outcome, to the goal

19:34

itself, rather than who do I

19:36

need to become to move closer to

19:38

this goal that I think. I would

19:41

like to have in my life. This

19:43

is such an important part of my

19:45

becoming you program, becoming

19:48

you 2.0, is all about who do you

19:50

want to become? Who do you

19:52

have to become? If I'm a

19:54

person who heals from metastatic

19:57

breast cancer, who do I

19:59

have to be come. So this is

20:01

really closely intertwined with the

20:03

expectancy theory of motivation, and that

20:05

dates back to 1964. This

20:07

is a theory that says, we

20:09

base our efforts on the

20:11

belief that it will lead to

20:13

a desired result. And

20:16

then what happens when that

20:18

result doesn't materialize? Disappointment,

20:21

right? So that doesn't mean

20:23

that you shouldn't set goals. It doesn't mean that

20:25

I'm going to say that I'm going to

20:27

let go of the goal of walking into my

20:29

oncologist's office one day and seeing him come

20:31

in and hearing him and seeing him turn around

20:33

look at me and say, you have no evidence

20:35

of active disease. That's

20:37

a goal I'm never going to

20:39

let go of because having that

20:41

goal helps me show up for

20:43

myself as a person who does

20:45

the things I believe support my

20:48

ability to heal. Right?

20:50

So it's not saying let go of

20:52

the goal. Instead it's saying focus

20:54

on the process rather than the outcome. Embrace

20:57

curiosity. So

20:59

I say I'm doing

21:01

all the things to support my

21:04

ability to heal. Let's say I

21:06

get lab work or a scan

21:08

that shows progression or an increase

21:10

in tumor markers. I can decide

21:12

to be disappointed and in fact probably at

21:14

first seeing that the first thought and

21:16

the first emotion that's going to just

21:18

naturally and organically pop up is going

21:20

to be disappointment. But as soon as

21:22

I see it and feel it and

21:24

become aware that I'm in disappointment, I

21:26

can decide to embrace curiosity. I

21:29

can decide to say, what

21:31

can I learn from this? Right?

21:34

What can I learn from what I'm seeing

21:36

right now? And so I'll give you

21:38

an example. Like I would say

21:40

over the last few months I've

21:42

kind of been evaluating my lifestyle

21:44

and my nutrition. And

21:46

I've indulged in a glass of wine here and

21:49

there way more often than I used to.

21:51

I used to, there was a period where I

21:53

wouldn't touch it at all. And then it

21:55

was maybe like a glass on a

21:57

holiday and now it's like, I'm

21:59

doing so good, you know, everything's great.

22:01

If I were to get lab markers

22:04

or a scan or something that showed

22:06

progression instead of being disappointed, I would

22:08

look at that and say, well, can

22:11

I learn from this? I can see

22:13

that I can get better about the

22:15

plan, get better about being more consistent

22:17

in my nutrition plan, in relieving my

22:20

toxic burden. What can I learn from

22:22

this that I actually have power over

22:24

without judging myself? without saying, God, you're

22:26

so dumb, you shouldn't have done that,

22:29

right? I'm not going to allow myself

22:31

to go into that because that's

22:33

not going to support my healing

22:35

either. So it isn't that we

22:37

won't feel disappointment. It isn't that

22:39

disappointment sometimes isn't a natural thing

22:41

that's going to pop up. We're

22:43

human beings with a full spectrum

22:45

of emotions, ones that we consider

22:47

positive, ones that we consider negative.

22:49

I prefer to consider them comfortable

22:52

them comfortable and uncomfortable and uncomfortable.

22:54

When we are in that uncomfortable emotion,

22:56

what do we want to decide?

22:58

Do we want to decide to stay

23:00

in disappointment, self-judgment? Or

23:02

do we want to decide to become curious

23:05

and grow? In 2011, there

23:07

was a study on mindfulness

23:09

and emotional regulation. And in

23:12

that study, they found that

23:14

mindfulness practices can help regulate

23:16

emotions. They can allow us

23:18

to experience life with greater

23:20

acceptance and less attachment to

23:23

specific outcomes. So in that

23:25

study it said mindfulness strengthens

23:27

the ability to observe and

23:29

accept emotions without judgment, reducing

23:31

the emotional impact of

23:34

disappointment. So again, not saying

23:36

don't feel disappointment, don't recognize it,

23:38

don't hold space for it, but

23:41

be mindful. What is mindful in

23:43

the present moment? A lot

23:45

of times I'll hear from people

23:47

who say to me, I've done

23:49

everything, I'm doing everything, and my

23:51

tumor markers went up. And then

23:54

they'll go into disappointment,

23:56

sometimes fear, sometimes anger,

23:58

and even this... This kind

24:00

of thinking can even cause us to stop

24:02

showing up for ourselves. We can look at

24:05

it and say, I did everything, and

24:07

now this changed, so why bother doing

24:09

everything? Because I didn't get the outcome

24:11

that I wanted. And whenever we go

24:13

down that road, if we stop showing

24:15

up for ourselves, then we're really in

24:17

big trouble, right? So how can we

24:19

look at and experience and hold

24:21

space for disappointment in any area

24:24

of our life? And also be mindful.

24:26

and also be in the present moment.

24:28

So if I were to hear again

24:30

that I had increasing tumor markers right

24:32

now, I could also be in this moment

24:34

and go, okay, that's interesting, yet here

24:36

I am in this moment, still functioning,

24:38

still feeling well, I'm not in pain.

24:41

What does this mean to me? How

24:43

can I be curious about this? Where

24:45

are my thoughts going with this? So

24:47

I can be in the moment and

24:50

hold space for myself to feel what

24:52

I'm gonna feel. but also to understand

24:54

that I have control over the story

24:56

I'm going to choose in this

24:59

situation. Right? And so what

25:01

happens when we catch ourselves going,

25:03

you know, if this doesn't happen,

25:05

everything's going to fall

25:08

apart? If this doesn't happen, if

25:10

these people don't say something, I'm going

25:12

to be crushed. Or even worse, well...

25:14

I'm going to do everything myself because

25:17

people always let me down and I

25:19

don't want to feel disappointed. So then

25:21

we feel angry and take advantage of

25:23

because we do all the things because

25:26

we need to control other people's behavior

25:28

so much so that we don't feel

25:30

an uncomfortable emotion. And yet

25:33

then we live in uncomfortable emotions.

25:35

It's pretty wild. And when we

25:37

get curious about that and we

25:39

start to see those thought patterns,

25:41

it really helps us to understand

25:43

how our... thoughts can be

25:45

completely disconnected from what's true

25:47

and what we want to create.

25:49

These are examples of cognitive

25:52

distortions, ways that our

25:54

mind twists reality into

25:56

something more negative than

25:58

it actually is, right? common distortions,

26:00

all or nothing thinking, right? This

26:03

is all black and white. I

26:05

did this, I didn't get that

26:07

result, this isn't worth it, right? Or

26:10

this one is a deep neurological

26:12

pathway with every human being

26:14

I've ever met, including myself,

26:17

that I have to work

26:19

on all the time, catastrophizing.

26:21

Expecting the worst case

26:23

scenario. The human brain just

26:25

does this, right? It expects

26:27

the worst case scenario. When

26:29

we hear something happen, oh,

26:32

that's not gonna go well.

26:34

Oh, but what if this

26:36

goes wrong? Oh, like I talked

26:38

about the exercise of 25 things

26:40

you're willing to fail that. Would

26:42

you think, when I said

26:44

that, did you think, well,

26:46

what if I succeeded at

26:48

all 25 of them? Probably

26:50

not, right? devastating. Experience

26:53

myself failing at 25 things?

26:55

That's gonna suck! Why didn't

26:57

our brain go too? Ooh, if I

27:00

thought about 25 new things I could

27:02

try for this area of my life

27:04

and I succeed it at all 25

27:06

or even at 10? Wouldn't that be

27:09

awesome? But our brain just

27:11

doesn't do that. So we

27:13

have to reframe these all-or-nothing

27:15

thinking patterns, these catastrophizing thinking

27:18

patterns. We have to start

27:20

to just recognize them and

27:23

challenge them. Initiate curiosity

27:25

again, instead of saying, this was

27:27

a complete failure, right? What if

27:30

you were trying 25 new things with

27:32

the willingness, the willingness to fail at

27:34

them? And you looked at it, you

27:36

could judge it and say, well, that

27:39

was another failure. That's number 22. Or

27:41

you could say, okay, well, that one

27:43

didn't go as planned. Here's what

27:45

I learned from it. Here's what I

27:47

can take away from that. Now we

27:49

can come up with 25 more things

27:52

based on that, right? So what if

27:54

disappointment wasn't something we had to avoid?

27:56

What if it was something we decided

27:59

to embrace? What if we saw

28:01

it as a chance to grow? When we

28:03

experience disappointment, it's

28:05

an opportunity for

28:07

reflection and curiosity.

28:10

So many questions can

28:12

come up when we realize

28:14

I'm feeling disappointed. We can

28:16

ask ourselves things like, okay,

28:18

well, what was my expectation?

28:21

Did I have a realistic

28:23

expectation here? We can

28:25

ask ourselves. How did I

28:27

set myself up for potentially

28:29

feeling this disappointment? Did I

28:31

decide if it wasn't this

28:34

one way, I was going

28:36

to feel disappointed? And if

28:38

so, how can you shift your

28:40

mindset? Resilience is an

28:42

incredible skill to develop.

28:45

And it does not mean

28:47

avoiding hardships. How can you

28:49

become resilient if you never

28:52

experience disappointment hardships?

28:54

So it's not about avoiding

28:56

the difficult things in life.

28:59

It's about bouncing back. So

29:01

there's another study in 2001

29:03

that looked at resilience, and

29:06

it described resilience as

29:08

ordinary magic that anyone

29:10

can develop. Think about

29:13

that. Ordinary magic. That's

29:15

a pretty interesting concept.

29:17

And just by reframing this

29:19

appointment as a natural part

29:22

of life, and approaching

29:24

it with curiosity instead

29:26

of dread. The shift that

29:29

can happen in your life

29:31

can be ordinary magic.

29:33

Things can change dramatically

29:36

for you. So how do

29:38

we set ourselves up for

29:40

success and not constantly

29:43

set ourselves up

29:45

for disappointment? One, we

29:47

must have realistic

29:50

expectations and... be

29:52

flexible and open to change. And

29:54

also not attach timelines to some

29:56

of these expectations, right? So if

29:58

we go with. my expectation, someone

30:01

might say, is that realistic?

30:03

Is your expectation to heal

30:05

from widespread stage four cancer realistic?

30:07

In my mind it is, I

30:09

think it's a realistic expectation. People

30:11

heal, I'm a people, I can

30:13

heal. I'm just figuring it out

30:15

along the way. What happens, and

30:18

where I might set myself up

30:20

for disappointment, is if I

30:22

decide on a time, right? Now, if I

30:24

want to decide on a time, if I want

30:26

to say, I'll be cancer free in October of

30:28

2025, It's okay. I can set up

30:30

that time frame as long as

30:32

I'm willing to be flexible,

30:35

right? As long as I don't

30:37

attach disappointment to that time frame,

30:39

and I'm open to change, and

30:42

I'm open to growth, and October

30:44

2025 comes along, and if I

30:47

haven't achieved that, I can look

30:49

and say, well, how far have

30:51

I come? What have I learned? Okay,

30:54

am I willing to move this

30:56

deadline? I'm going to give up,

30:58

right? The only way we can ever

31:00

fail in life is when we stop

31:02

showing up for ourselves, when we

31:04

give up, and when we attach

31:06

uncomfortable and negative emotions to

31:08

outcomes, that is almost a

31:10

surefire way to give up

31:13

on ourselves. Okay? So, one

31:15

is, let's look at our goals. Let's

31:17

ask ourselves, is this realistic for

31:19

me? And, you know, there's one

31:21

thing that we can control. Our

31:23

decision to believe, right? Our decision

31:26

to decide, like... I decide I

31:28

have the ability to heal and

31:30

I'm going to achieve that. I

31:32

have control over that. I don't

31:34

really have control over time. And

31:36

maybe even that is a limiting

31:38

thought, right? But here's the thing.

31:40

It's really important to believe in

31:43

ourselves. So when we're setting goals

31:45

and expectations for ourselves,

31:47

do we believe at least it's possible?

31:49

Right? Here's the thing. If I were

31:52

to say, well, wait a minute, Laura,

31:54

maybe setting a time frame is a

31:56

limiting belief. Okay, so could I

31:58

say to myself out loud. I

32:00

believe I will be instantly healed.

32:03

My body kind of goes,

32:05

I don't believe that. I don't

32:07

know why. There's something in

32:09

me, right? That's like if I

32:11

just accepted right now that I

32:13

could stand here and say instant

32:16

healing is in me. It doesn't

32:18

feel true to me, right? Feels

32:21

like I'm kidding myself. If I

32:23

want to believe instant healing as

32:25

possible, then I have to work

32:27

on. understanding and uncovering all of

32:29

the thoughts that stop me from

32:31

believing that, right? If you want

32:34

to change a job, change a

32:36

career, make more money, change a

32:38

relationship, and you say out loud,

32:40

this is possible, and your body

32:42

says, I don't think so, then we need

32:44

to look at why, what are the thoughts

32:46

that are there that are deeply ingrained in

32:49

you, that don't allow you to believe

32:51

this, right? And then we, we work on,

32:53

can we at least get to the point

32:55

where we're saying, you know what, you know

32:57

what? Maybe that's possible. Can

33:00

I believe it's possible? Right?

33:02

So these are some ways

33:04

that we can manage our

33:06

expectations and remain flexible and

33:08

open to change instead of

33:10

attached to the outcome. Another way

33:12

is practicing gratitude along

33:14

the way, focusing on what is working,

33:17

rather than fixating on what is

33:19

it? So if we get an

33:21

outcome, we didn't like, we can

33:24

look and say, what did I

33:26

learn? What do I think is

33:28

working? What do I think isn't

33:30

working? What changes am I willing

33:33

to make? And spend some time

33:35

in that really mindfulness space of

33:37

observing our own thoughts, being honest

33:40

with ourselves without judgment, being very

33:42

curious, and allowing ourselves to celebrate

33:44

the progress, not just the outcome. So

33:46

if I were to get lab work

33:49

back that I perceived as negative, I

33:51

could still look at and say, well,

33:53

I know now some steps I can

33:55

take to try to shift this. That's

33:57

really great. Look at areas where I

33:59

have grown. Look at areas that were

34:01

challenging to me. Look at where I

34:03

decided to deviate from my plan without

34:06

judgment with curiosity and say, but you

34:08

know what? That may be true, but

34:10

I also did so many things that

34:13

were so good for myself that required

34:15

so much energy. And now I get

34:17

to decide, am I willing to make

34:19

more change, right? To move closer to

34:22

the outcome that I desire, right? I

34:24

heard this statement, I don't know where, but

34:26

I love it, and so I'll share this

34:28

quote with you, I have no idea where

34:31

it's from, but it was, disappointment

34:33

is temporary, but growth is lasting.

34:36

So if we can see disappointment

34:38

as a stepping stone, instead of

34:40

a stumbling block, I think that it

34:42

can really shift the way. I was

34:45

going to say shape, and it can

34:47

shape, I'm going to be a shape

34:49

shifter. It can shift and shape the

34:52

way that we view ourselves and that

34:54

we allow ourselves to grow. And I

34:56

think that it can be amazing, really

34:59

and truly amazing, okay? So

35:01

I hope that that helps you

35:03

in whatever area of your life

35:06

that you may feel disappointed in,

35:08

maybe you get stuck in disappointment,

35:10

maybe you're not sure how to

35:12

move past disappointment, that we can

35:15

embrace it and just reframe the

35:17

way that we perceive it. Because

35:19

no matter how much we grow

35:21

and no matter what we do

35:23

and accomplish, life is unpredictable, right?

35:25

Those external circumstances are

35:28

unpredictable and that's

35:30

okay. Remember we want to see

35:32

things for what they are. So the

35:34

more we can let go of the

35:36

rigid expectations we've set for ourselves and

35:39

for life and circumstances and people, the

35:41

more we can let go of that

35:43

and the more we can embrace the

35:45

journey we're in, the more we can

35:48

find peace in ourselves. The more we

35:50

can find calm and the more we

35:52

can find joy in every single day of

35:54

our life. All right? So, if you think you

35:56

know someone who could benefit from

35:58

hearing this message, Whether or

36:00

not they've had cancer, share

36:02

this episode with them. And

36:04

if you want to dig

36:07

deeper into cultivating the skills

36:09

and the mindset to develop

36:11

a healthier, happier, more joyful,

36:13

productive life for you, come

36:15

to my website, the Breast

36:17

Cancer Recovery Coach.com, and join

36:19

one of my programs. Download,

36:21

Becoming You 2.0. Enroll in

36:23

the Four Pillars of Breast

36:25

Cancer Recovery. Join my life

36:27

coaching membership better than

36:29

before breast cancer. Invest

36:32

in yourself and I mean

36:34

time and money, right? Make

36:36

an investment and a commitment

36:38

to yourself to create a

36:41

life you love because you

36:43

are worth it and Even if

36:45

you're disappointed along the

36:47

way, you're gonna figure it out.

36:49

All right, my friends. I

36:52

will talk to you

36:54

again soon until then

36:57

take care to rest.

37:00

Your mind is clearer

37:02

than before. Your heart

37:05

is full and wanting

37:07

more. Your future's at

37:10

the door. Give it

37:13

all you've got. No

37:15

hesitating. You've been waiting

37:18

all your life. This

37:20

is your moment.