0:17

Hello , hello , hey y'all . We're

0:19

back . Holler

0:25

for a dollar . Is this a dollar in this economy

0:27

? We've been through it again here today

0:29

.

0:29

But we're here having some technical

0:31

difficulties , but we're

0:33

here we

0:35

are .

0:35

Thank you for listening and

0:37

tuning in we're

0:40

happy you're here .

0:41

Yes , we are . We're also happy to be here

0:43

and go over

0:46

what we have been discussing . I feel like

0:48

we've been .

0:49

Lord , we have been here .

0:52

Oh , they talk about all kinds of things , yes , and

0:54

then we always circle back to why

0:57

do especially

1:01

women we'll talk about , especially

1:08

women we'll talk about ? I know it affects everyone , but

1:10

why do women face so much like outside societal pressure on just how

1:13

, who they are in general , how to be ?

1:15

how to live .

1:17

Sometimes we can't live out here it just it's not having

1:19

to over explain right , right

1:21

choices I

1:23

agree .

1:24

I think we just we

1:26

aren't , I want to say , understood . I just think

1:28

we're just not given the space to live

1:31

how we want to . It's

1:34

always based on someone's timeline , something , someone's

1:36

judgment , and I want to say , when I say someone

1:38

, I think specifically , um

1:41

, older people

1:43

like boomers , or even , as soon as they

1:45

can be , our own counterparts , I think , you know , because

1:47

we're a millennial generation , yes , um

1:50

, and I think we can sometimes

1:52

put pressure on ourselves

1:54

and our other counterparts .

1:56

But also I do believe a lot of it comes from the condition

1:58

we have , from being

2:00

raised by our parents , whether they're boomers or gen

2:02

x or whatever they were , in

2:05

that aspect , especially

2:08

, I think , when it comes to we always

2:10

talk about these unrealistic timelines

2:13

, right , like by some

2:15

35 , for example , and

2:17

I think if I was to

2:19

go , let me , let's say , 10 years back

2:21

, just 10 years back , I

2:24

think I put this on myself

2:26

or subscribe to

2:28

this notion that by 30

2:31

, 35 , you know

2:33

, I so I am married . That was on the list . I want

2:35

to be married , I want to have kids , I want to have a house

2:37

, I want to have a dog , I want to do the white picket fence

2:39

thing and then

2:41

being having turned 35 this

2:44

year , and okay , yes , I am

2:46

married , but not having kids or the house

2:48

, or what have you feeling

2:50

like now ? I'm like comparing myself

2:52

to those people who are my age or maybe even younger

2:55

. Right , that have those things right that

2:58

I aspire to , or I was , I guess , told

3:00

to aspire to right . And

3:02

then that feeling like well dang , if I don't have

3:04

those things , where I didn't get what I said I wanted , what I thought

3:06

I wanted , then am I ? Am

3:09

I not the way I am ?

3:11

or are you behind you ? know

3:13

, but but but who behind is a big one . Who

3:15

are you living for ? And I think that

3:17

is the ultimate question . Um

3:20

, I think , because

3:23

of conditioning during upbringing

3:25

, we

3:28

tend to maybe live

3:30

under certain expectations

3:33

that were never ours to begin with and

3:36

we then hold that and carry forth

3:38

with that . And so I'm going

3:41

to give an example of like , let's say , you

3:43

know , for example , I'm single . I always get

3:45

asked oh , when are you going to have a baby ? When are

3:47

you going to get married ? You know , like all of these , these

3:49

things , and it's kind of like , did

3:51

you even ask if that's what I aspire to have ? I

4:01

was going to say it's not even asking , it's assuming , like

4:03

you don't want to like . It's like , monica , probably

4:06

the very little you know about me , you're assuming

4:08

that that's what you're saying is true . I

4:11

remember one time at a job that I

4:13

had and I was I think I was fairly new

4:15

and I was asked oh , do I have any children ? I was like no

4:17

, and

4:19

I'm like oh , you don't want any kids . I never said that . You

4:21

asked me if I had kids and I said no , I don't

4:23

. The question wasn't do you want kids ? The question

4:25

was do you have any kids ? And

4:28

so right there she like assumed

4:30

I didn't want any kids because I

4:32

didn't have any kids yet . And I think at

4:34

that time I think I was like 27 or something like that , and

4:36

so I found that very intriguing yeah because

4:39

it's presumed that if you don't have them by now

4:41

, whatever now is , it means

4:43

you don't want them .

4:44

Correct , because you would have done it by now , correct ?

4:46

I also think that person was an older person . I don't know if

4:48

they were a boomer or a

4:50

Gen X , but I think at the age I was , her

4:52

assumption was like oh , why don't you have

4:54

, because maybe that's what

4:57

everyone was doing at that age , at that

4:59

time . Yeah , yeah . And so that

5:01

judgment was placed upon

5:03

me and I found it very interesting , you

5:05

know , because I'm one of many at 27 that didn't

5:07

have children , and so that assumption

5:10

in itself was like wow . But

5:12

I also had to think that that person probably didn't

5:14

know no better , because they really truly believed

5:17

that at that age . Why don't you have any

5:19

kids ?

5:19

What is you doing ?

5:23

What was you doing ?

5:24

What is happening . You know , know .

5:26

You find yourself , you don't even and and that's from

5:29

not even knowing anything , just a stranger

5:31

so imagine your family and friends . Thank you , that

5:35

was a stranger that barely knew . I think I'd have been at

5:37

the job maybe a month , like you know , and

5:39

it's like when did I then you start

5:42

?

5:42

um , I think what happens . What

5:45

I don't like is then you find yourself having to explain

5:48

all of your life choices . Like when did I Then

5:50

you start ? I think , what happens , what I don't ?

5:52

like is . Then you find yourself having to explain all of your life choices

5:54

. It's true . And then I'm like , what have I been

5:56

doing To get a context on why you said what you're saying ? You fool , oh no

5:58

, that's not what I said .

5:59

Yeah , I don't mean to Try to backpedal , it's

6:02

bad anyway . Now you're unpacking 27

6:04

years of your life . It's like oh , I

6:06

just came here to work now

6:13

.

6:13

But that but that question triggered something

6:16

, because you said why is this woman asking

6:18

?

6:18

me this do you think it's also the

6:20

time and the place ? Do you think , had it , had

6:22

it been asked in like a more personal setting

6:24

, you would have been ? You wouldn't have been so caught off

6:26

guard . Do you think it was because it was at work and

6:29

we ?

6:29

I guess , what really baffled me was

6:31

when I said I don't have children

6:34

. Oh , you don't want

6:37

kids .

6:37

It's not even so . Hey , yeah

6:40

, there was already like-judgment

6:42

.

6:42

Like the door was closed , she closed

6:44

the door for me .

6:45

I didn't even do it , that's true . I wonder

6:47

where that comes from , though .

6:49

Maybe her own , yeah , and her own perception

6:51

of what she thinks should be at a certain time . And

6:54

you know , because suppose I would have said like

6:56

you know , no

6:59

, that's not what I see . Or you know , like whatever , she

7:01

asked me to have kids and I just had said you know , no , that's

7:03

. I could have said , oh no , I don't want kids , or that's

7:05

not what I want to . You know , then that

7:07

would have been a different story . But yeah

7:09

, you know , it would have went left and

7:12

would have definitely went left . There's always , and

7:14

I don't know why , we assume , you

7:16

know , because what ? What if that person that's

7:18

not what they wanted ? Then what if they don't want to get

7:20

married ? What if they don't want you to ? What if they don't want the house

7:22

? and why do ?

7:24

they owe you an explanation is always my thing

7:26

. I think I'm always like

7:28

cognizant and like people who come and ask

7:30

like genuinely just . There

7:32

are people who generally just do want to have a conversation

7:34

. Do you want to know , hey , what's going on with their life ? yeah

7:36

, just just genuinely curious

7:39

or you know they you've

7:41

, maybe you have talked to them about family before

7:43

, about dating before , about children before , and

7:46

if you , they'd see it . When they see

7:48

you without it , then they're curious like hey , you know

7:50

you mentioned this thing , why don't you have it ? Yeah , I

7:52

don't mind . Um like a healthy conversation

7:55

and dialogue . What I don't like is like the um

7:57

, the judgment , preconceived

8:00

judgment and assumptions , that kind of like out of

8:02

nowhere , right , yeah , like well

8:04

, I also don't think it's out of nowhere , right . I think it is because

8:06

at 35 , especially being married and being

8:08

35 and not having children , that's like it's

8:12

rare , right , like what do you

8:14

like ? What else is like yeah , yeah

8:16

, yeah , like what else is the purpose of marriage if you're

8:18

not gonna have children ? Right with with someone

8:21

, what is ?

8:21

what is happening . You know , um , yeah

8:23

, know , yeah , and I think it's also

8:25

their conditioning , like

8:28

maybe that's what was true for them . People

8:31

were this age , were already well

8:33

into their families , having a house , having all of these things .

8:35

It was a different time period .

8:36

It was a different economic status , all of these things

8:39

. That's what they did , and so it makes

8:41

sense why they would project that . And

8:43

it's not a bad thing , those things are all

8:45

great , you know . Project that on to

8:47

the millennial generation of , like , you

8:49

need to have these certain things at these certain times

8:51

. Um , and

8:54

what if that's not true

8:56

? what that's not what people want at that time , like , why

8:59

can't we just live

9:01

how we live , right and where they

9:03

are right and not have certain expectations

9:05

for someone at a certain time frame or a certain age

9:07

or a certain , you know , economic bracket

9:09

or whatever it may be in life , of what they should or should

9:11

or not be doing . You know , like

9:14

we had talked about , like we think the underlying cause

9:17

of that is like a fear . We want

9:20

our children to be better . We want our children

9:22

to be better , we want our children to be safe

9:24

, we want them to be stable , to be partnered up and to have

9:26

the family unit . The cause is a good cause

9:28

, the intention is good

9:30

, the intention is good , but

9:33

I think sometimes it can come off very triggering

9:35

. I'm going to be honest For me very triggering

9:37

. Like well dang , am I not okay

9:40

by myself ? Am I not okay where I am , even if I

9:42

do or do not get married , it's not not not am

9:44

I not a whole ?

9:45

is that not ?

9:45

acceptable , right ? Am I not a whole person like

9:48

is you know ? Because , again

9:50

, I don't know what life will do . Who knows what

9:52

life will do ? And even

9:54

if it is your intention to do those things and even

9:56

if it doesn't happen , is that okay too ? I think we tend

9:58

to judge based on our own knowledge

10:00

of what we want for someone , based on what they want for themselves

10:02

, and we don't know

10:05

how to hold the tension for both , maybe

10:07

saying , hey , you know what I would . You

10:09

know , I see this for you . That would be awesome if you do

10:11

it . But even if you don't , I'm still you'll

10:13

be fine . I'm still happy for you . Do you whatever

10:16

? Maybe because not everyone's ? I

10:18

don't think everyone's will in life or goal

10:20

in life is that right it's to . Purpose

10:22

is to have children or get that

10:24

house , whatever it may be , you know , I

10:27

think . Why can't we just view what

10:30

we want is for us and not projecting

10:32

it on other people ?

10:34

I don't know . That's a great question . Let me know when you

10:36

find that . Yeah , no , let me know when

10:39

you get that answer . Yeah , I think , I

10:41

think it's . Also . People have a hard time believing

10:43

that she can be single

10:45

and still be happy , or she can be by herself

10:48

or not dating or not partnering up , and

10:50

still be good or still enjoying her

10:52

life . I think there's this like weird belief

10:55

out there that single people are

10:57

and correct me if I'm wrong but they're like

11:00

go home crying and miserable and wishing

11:02

and depressed Like there's

11:04

this gaping hole . But let me tell you I feel

11:06

like you can be in a relationship and be very

11:08

lonely and isolated as well too

11:10

, right , right . So I think , instead

11:13

of worrying about why people don't have certain things

11:15

and when they're going to get them and why they haven't

11:17

done it , maybe look at the reason behind it

11:19

more so . And also

11:21

what they do have right Even

11:23

if she doesn't what , what , what she

11:26

has a dog or a pet , or , yeah right , she

11:28

has a good group of friends . I see her out there living her

11:30

life .

11:30

You know what are the good things , like adam

11:33

. But it's not . It doesn't have to

11:35

look one way .

11:35

I think you know and you know a

11:38

full , happy life doesn't have to be just

11:40

this , and I think for the longest time a lot of us

11:42

, myself included , thought happiness always

11:44

only looked like this in this package right

11:46

. But now we're learning that right happiness

11:49

can be in , you know , in your nice

11:51

home with your family and kids and a dog , or

11:53

it can be in your studio apartment downtown

11:56

just by yourself with your cat , or

11:58

it can be on a farm with

12:00

chickens and goats and cows and acres

12:02

and living off the grid , like I think especially

12:05

millennials are redefining , like

12:07

what it looks like to be happy and

12:09

to be I'm enough

12:12

and yes , like I agree and

12:14

and if they do want those things . I think there's also

12:16

like a lot of people are not subscribing to

12:18

by 30 , I need to be married or by 35 . I need

12:20

to do this . A lot of people are getting married later

12:22

on in life , and that's okay

12:25

too .

12:26

Yep , I agree with 110

12:28

, because I think it's like that . You also don't

12:30

know . We don't know why people

12:32

are where they are in life or what they choose to

12:35

. You don't know if , like I said , if that's

12:37

, whether they are able to even um

12:39

, you know , even at the

12:41

time maybe house a relationship or even even want to get

12:44

married or even have children , what if they want

12:46

to but can't ? We don't know why .

12:48

The reasons behind things , right , and we tend

12:50

to project and judge and assume

12:52

we don't have them , so they just

12:54

don't want it Correct that they don't want you

12:56

know they don't want it .

12:57

That's not you know and that's not necessarily

12:59

true , and not everybody deserves to know

13:01

your business .

13:07

It's happening ? I think it's also like they think it's like a selfish reason , because I know , like

13:09

for me , especially because I am such a social person and I like to go out , I like to travel , not

13:12

to do things . I think it's almost perceived as like well

13:14

, it's like if she doesn't want , it must be for selfish

13:16

reasons , like not wanting to maybe give

13:18

up a certain , because we all know children

13:21

come with sacrificing right , so I think with me . It's

13:23

probably this is what I felt

13:25

like it's assumed that maybe for selfish

13:27

reasons , like sarah doesn't want to , maybe

13:30

like give up , like this part of her life like , oh

13:32

, she's not ready to do this , not knowing what

13:34

I have tried or what I haven't tried , or what is

13:36

working or what has failed , or where I have succeeded

13:39

or where I am in that you know . So

13:41

I feel like that's like that tug of

13:43

war of and there are so many women who are very

13:45

unapologized and they're like you know what I don't want to

13:47

have kids because I don't want to , uh , lose my body

13:49

or stop traveling , or , uh , I

13:52

want to sleep in until two , and that's fine

13:54

.

13:54

Yeah , and why is that ?

13:55

I think a lot of them are afraid to say that

13:57

because they're shamed into it

13:59

. Yeah , because it's like what are you ? You a woman

14:01

? What do you mean ? You don't want to Like ? That's kind

14:03

of like , biologically , what you were designed

14:05

for . And it's selfish to say you like traveling

14:08

and sleeping in until

14:10

11 and going and coming as you please , but

14:12

wouldn't you rather somebody be honest and say that than

14:15

bring a child prematurely

14:17

into their life that they know they can't ? Really

14:19

, to me , I think that's the selfish .

14:21

Yeah , I agree . I really do agree

14:23

. Do you think it's more of because

14:25

you're married that people look at you like , oh

14:28

, why don't you have children ? I think it's the marriage

14:30

and the 35 .

14:31

Oh , so it's two things . If I was like 21

14:33

and married , nobody would be like , oh , I

14:35

don't want a baby . They'd be like , oh , take your time , you guys

14:37

have time . Yeah , I think .

14:39

So it's like two things against

14:41

you . So it's like what is happening . You

14:43

know it's a lot . No

14:46

, it's true . And yeah , even being single , it's the

14:48

age being 35 , being single

14:50

, you know , they talk about

14:52

fertility and having especially

14:54

being a woman , because everyone's a doctor now , correct you

14:57

know , you don't know what's going on with my uterus , but

14:59

you know . So at the end of the day , it's like

15:01

those questions are being asked and

15:03

it's like but you don't , I don't

15:05

know . I think it's just , it is a lot , and

15:09

so I also think it's an understanding of you

15:11

know older generations , to understand where we are

15:13

as millennials and what we've gone through and things that we've

15:15

had to persevere through . I think most

15:17

people I meet we're all anxious , we're

15:20

all disturbed , we're

15:22

trying to manage our mental health . We're

15:24

all disturbed , we're trying to we're trying to manage our mental health and I think sometimes people

15:26

choose not to do certain things because of their mental health . Yeah , you know , like I don't

15:28

, I don't think I'm mentally okay to have a

15:30

child .

15:31

I don't think I'm okay to get married or date or

15:33

whatever it may be right , whatever baggage

15:35

I may bring or pass on , I'm afraid to

15:37

correct .

15:37

Yeah and I think to me , I think that's such

15:40

a brave thing to even want

15:42

to collect that together first before

15:44

you even venture out to other things . You know wanting to

15:46

get yourself together because we can't perform an empty

15:48

cup and if you know of those weaknesses that you

15:50

have or those you know um , you know inabilities

15:53

, you know you're not well in certain areas , I think

15:55

it's good to tackle those things before you even get to that

15:57

next level . But people also don't know that you're

15:59

doing that . You know we've , we've , we've has

16:02

millennials , we've in a generation we've seen so

16:04

much we have trauma .

16:05

9-11 these school shootings . Yeah

16:08

, you know , like the , the pandemic , like

16:10

so many things that we've had to work and lift , which

16:12

we probably haven't processed , that

16:14

is affecting us now you know , um

16:17

, and we're kind of that in that transitional

16:19

, you know um the 30s

16:21

are definitely because , like we talked about

16:23

, like some of your friends are getting married and and

16:25

and um having kids and buying the

16:27

houses and then , some . I have friends that are , you

16:29

know , getting divorced too . They've been married for 10

16:31

plus years at home , yeah some

16:34

are living at home . They can't afford to move out

16:36

. So it's like we're all in the same

16:39

uh marriage group together , but we're living

16:41

so many different lives so I

16:43

can see like there can be that assumption , like

16:45

it needs to look one way um

16:48

in order for it to be the right way .

16:49

This is the age that you should be doing things , and this

16:51

is the age people , your age yes , there are people

16:53

there equally , as people who have kids and have a marriage

16:55

, but they're equal people who are single and

16:57

have a house and don't have a house and live out . So

17:00

it's like all of it is like you can't really

17:02

say you're doing wrong

17:04

if we're in a decade

17:06

of where there's a plethora of things going on to

17:08

everyone At the same time . Let's

17:10

be real . And so we tend

17:13

to base oh , because you're not doing it like Susie or

17:15

like Johnny or like Billy , what's going

17:17

on , what's wrong with you , what's you know ? And it's

17:19

just not fair Because

17:28

you guys I think it's also that notion that you guys started off- together , right , correct

17:30

, and now , uh , suzy's here , correct , and you're here .

17:31

Yeah , you know , and you like , I was having this conversation with my friend , um eric and ashley

17:33

, the other day and we were talking about renting and

17:35

he was talking about somebody was asking him like

17:38

you don't want to buy a house , you don't want to

17:40

, um , uh , leave the apartment ? He

17:42

was like Sarah , I have no problem , I

17:44

like renting , and if I

17:46

need something fixed , I can call

17:48

maintenance . And I'm , like you know what ? I said the same thing the other

17:50

day too . As much as I would love a house

17:53

, if something breaks in

17:55

our apartment we'll

17:59

call maintenance and they'll be here in less

18:01

than 24 hours to fix it . There's a sense of responsibility that

18:03

comes with home ownership that a lot of people don't talk about

18:05

because it's like kind of glamorous on the outside

18:07

but what , what is I'm good ? Like why

18:09

can't I just be ? Okay , I love my apartment , love , why , why can't

18:11

? that be okay , people can fix this something

18:14

malfunctions , I don't have to that stress . It's

18:16

a lot of responsibility . If

18:18

I'm good , why is that not

18:20

good enough for you ? You , you know it'd be one thing if

18:23

I was like complaining I'm

18:25

so unhappy I wish . I had

18:27

more , but how can I get ?

18:28

one , but if it works , if it's not broke , why

18:30

fix it ? You know what I mean , and so I do get . Yes , some people

18:32

are just like not ready for that step , or not even they

18:34

just don't want it Like you're wasting money renting You're

18:38

throwing money down the drain . It's somewhere that you actually

18:40

are living and you're utilizing , it's not .

18:42

I digress Anywho you

18:44

know , but I get what ?

18:45

Now you're chucking my pockets and my uterus . Right

18:48

, I get it . It's a whole thing . You don't know what people

18:50

are saving for or what they're trying to do

18:52

and so yeah , it is . You know

18:54

what , if that's her preference

18:56

, maybe like for me saying oh Sarah , I don't

18:59

know why you don't have a house , I have a house you know

19:01

, don't you want one maybe ? My preference is to have

19:03

a house , but her preference is not . She wants to stay in her

19:05

apartment what's wrong ?

19:06

with that , that's okay you'll be so much

19:08

happy with this much space and this

19:10

much . And then I found out , like a lot of

19:12

things . It's like well , I , you're the one who taught

19:14

me . I had to start asking myself , though , why ? Why do I

19:16

want this ? Why do I really want a house ? It's

19:18

just to say I have a house

19:21

. Am I going to be able to keep

19:23

up with that house ?

19:25

You know I'm not the most organized , just so that it looks good . Oh , sarah got

19:27

a house , so that's what it is , by 35 .

19:28

The whole time you're stuck , or whatever the timelines

19:30

that we put on ourselves are , or maybe I'll get a house

19:32

at 45 and it'll be great then

19:34

, yeah , so I think , and also

19:37

, we measure things based on material

19:39

things that we have we

19:44

have and I think , measure our worth . Yeah , we measure our work and I think people measure things that

19:46

we've accumulated .

19:46

Yeah , she has a house she's doing well , so what she wasn't doing well when she was in the

19:48

apartment ?

19:49

was she worth less in what she was with

19:51

the apartment you know ?

19:53

like what does that look like ? Or someone's all

19:55

got two houses and you can easily feel

19:57

like you're unequal

19:59

when that's not your reality . But maybe you've . Maybe

20:01

that's not where you've grown , maybe you've grown in , like your mental health

20:03

and where you are , whatever may be , in different

20:06

areas of life , which is good

20:08

. So it's not like you're staying stable , but I think because

20:10

we tend to want to see something tangible to

20:13

to equate that to someone going or doing better

20:15

, yeah progress . Oh , they got the degree because they

20:17

went to school . That's , that's tangible . The house

20:19

tangible , the job promotion tangible .

20:22

Versus peace peace and

20:25

happiness and joy , because

20:27

you can be in a house and be miserable .

20:29

Yeah , you know what I mean and so I think you

20:31

know um it . It looks

20:33

different for you know , like for everyone and where they

20:35

are in their bandwidth and things and honestly , out

20:37

here it's expensive , it's expensive , it's

20:39

very expensive , you know , and that's

20:41

also another reason too , but also it's

20:43

not you know it , just it's . I

20:46

just think that we need

20:48

to not put our own timelines and projections on other

20:50

people and where they should be or what they should

20:52

do , or thinking that you know what's

20:54

really going on . You

20:57

know , maybe you only see 30%

21:00

of me , you don't see 360 , so you really don't know

21:02

why I'm doing what I'm doing , or why I'm where I'm

21:04

, where you know why I am where I am

21:06

, um , in certain things , and so , yeah

21:08

, I don't . It's hard

21:10

, you know and I , but I also think , let

21:14

me ask you this do you think pressure

21:16

comes from just like people , or it can be

21:18

like other areas and other avenues

21:20

that pressure can come from and we start to compare

21:23

ourselves ?

21:24

I think both . So I think a lot of pressure can come from like

21:26

. I think family is a

21:28

big one because I don't

21:30

know , I was listening to something and they were like that it

21:32

can't come from like strangers , it has to come from

21:34

somebody like closely . That's why it feels

21:37

like , because it's like this

21:39

is like somebody close to me . So it's like family

21:41

, friends can pressure you and then . I think yourself

21:43

, like we , put a lot of pressure on ourselves . I think

21:45

even maybe like co-workers too .

21:47

You can like compare yeah , no fair , because

21:49

you spend a lot of time with people for the most part , yeah

21:51

, yeah yeah .

21:52

So I feel like that's . It

21:54

starts with , maybe

21:56

, what we talk about our boomer parents

21:58

and kind of what they accomplished at our

22:00

age , and then you know how well they're

22:02

doing now and it's like it

22:04

did work out for them and they just wanted to work out

22:06

, if anything more for

22:08

you , right ? So it's like , if

22:11

you're kind of not doing that , you're kind of

22:13

saying like you're going against it , and then you start wondering

22:15

well , then I find myself like putting

22:17

pressure . Well then , dang , am I behind . Do

22:19

I not want ?

22:20

I do want that , but am I if ?

22:21

I , if I take a here , then

22:23

it's going to derail me another three years . Should I

22:25

have gone this bad ? Then you start second-guessing

22:27

. I think we know . I think

22:29

we pretty much know ourselves better

22:32

than other people do

22:34

, but for some reason just caring

22:37

about those outside opinions is

22:39

kind of where that .

22:41

And I think they mean well . Like we

22:43

said earlier , they mean well . It's not coming from

22:45

a place of like like

22:47

just trying to hindrance . Yeah right , they mean well

22:49

, they just want to like , they want

22:51

to know what does it look like

22:53

, how can you move forward or how will you move

22:56

forward . But I think also , it's again

22:58

what does

23:00

it looks for me from ? For it looks different to everyone

23:02

. So you can be

23:04

told you know , well , you know , I see

23:06

that you're working . You know you've been there for eight years . You

23:08

haven't been promoted , yeah

23:11

, you . But you don't even know how

23:13

my company runs . You don't even know why I was . You

23:15

don't . Did I even want the promotion

23:18

?

23:18

that's number one .

23:18

You know what I mean , and so I think we

23:21

tend to want things

23:23

for others that maybe they

23:25

don't want for themselves , and

23:28

I think we need to be able to live

23:30

with that that what you wanted for somebody

23:32

is not what they maybe want for themselves .

23:34

Maybe what you want for yourself , maybe

23:37

I would have wanted the promotion . So I'm thinking , why

23:40

don't you want the promotion ? But it can't

23:42

both things . I

23:44

think the two things can both exist at the same

23:46

time , correct , I agree .

23:47

I definitely agree .

23:49

I think we're very we've been brought up

23:51

very like black and white , If it's not

23:53

this it's that . Yeah , if you're not

23:55

doing this , you must be yeah .

24:05

If you're not moving , if you're not moving at this rate , in this direction , then you must be going backwards

24:07

. Right , I hear you , and then sometimes we can even like , I think , we talked about the pushback

24:09

right about like if we're , if you do want something different and

24:11

you're brave enough to vocalize it

24:14

right and and also

24:16

like we , we

24:19

thought , like when

24:21

there's a lot of pressure put on us for certain things

24:23

that we're wondering why

24:26

are you saying this ? For

24:28

example , maybe your parents are like , oh , you should

24:30

, you know , why don't you have the children and have

24:32

the marriage and have the house ? We

24:35

tend to sometimes be

24:37

triggered , you know , and then

24:39

often being like did I , even did

24:42

I ? We tend to want to push back on that

24:45

, you know and not , you know , not

24:48

wanted to ? What am I trying

24:50

to say ? We tend to push

24:52

back on that because that's not . We

24:55

don't want to be questioned with these things , right ?

24:57

And so it's like it's like I'm a grown up and

24:59

I'm an adult .

25:00

Let me figure it out my life my

25:02

way .

25:03

Right On my terms .

25:04

Right , it's wild out

25:06

here , I don't know , it's hard .

25:10

It is hard , and I think people

25:12

have a problem vocalizing

25:15

, like being transparent , because

25:17

of the fear of like they're

25:20

not going to ascend . They're going to question me , they're

25:23

going to say something's wrong with me , but

25:28

then I'm going to sin . They're going to question me , they're going to say something's wrong with me , but then I'm going to go

25:30

down this rabbit hole versus just saying and a lot , and I really admire those people who are so unapologetically them and

25:32

they're like this is my life , this is how I'm going to choose to live it , this is what I'm going

25:34

to do , and they don't care . Like you

25:37

know , this is what's going to be good for me right

25:39

now . I know what's you know best me

25:41

. Because I feel like on the flip side , I think

25:43

when you do do something

25:45

that someone else has now forced you into , that you

25:47

didn't want , then now it's

25:49

like you're not

25:51

going to blame that person Well , you're the one who told me that and then people

25:54

are going to be like well , they're

25:56

going to throw it back on you . Why did you make

25:58

that decision if it wasn't right for you ? You

26:02

?

26:02

know I'm not doing it because you told me .

26:04

This is what you're pushing . I mean , how many people

26:06

are pushed into things that they clearly aren't ready

26:08

for ?

26:08

So , then , it's also about like standing strong

26:11

in your convictions and where you are

26:13

, and accepting

26:15

even where you are , so that when

26:17

you do talk about it to people

26:19

you know you are , there's confidence

26:22

in that . No , this is what I'm doing , this is where it's at . I don't have to

26:24

explain it to you .

26:25

And I'm good , I'm happy , I'm good , I'm happy .

26:26

If you think different , that's your problem , not my problem . Figure

26:29

it out within yourself , because

26:31

I'm this is where I want to be and

26:42

you don't .

26:42

But I think we can find ourselves having to explain , over explain , because we want people

26:44

to understand where we are and sometimes it's not what it is and we want to fit in right . We want to be

26:46

accepted . I think everyone wants to be understood . Nobody

26:49

wants to be that only person . Like

26:51

all my friends are getting married and having kids and buying houses , and

26:53

I'm the only one you think people want to

26:55

choose to be actively like

26:57

the odd man out nobody's

26:59

true .

27:00

No , you're right , we all want to be misunderstood

27:03

, right , we all want that , but maybe my

27:05

timeline is different than your timeline , so why

27:07

am I , you know ? Why are we judging

27:09

each other based on that , you know ?

27:11

yeah I think we should be able to celebrate

27:13

the people that did do

27:15

that that way and are having a great

27:17

life , and then also celebrate people who choose to do

27:20

things a different way

27:22

and what they decide and what they want for

27:24

themselves .

27:25

right , like , okay , let's say you're

27:28

like , we said we're over 35 . Let's say , okay , you haven't

27:30

found a man , you haven't found anyone . Okay , now you're like you know what

27:32

? I don't know when I'm going to find somebody . I

27:35

think I want to have children . Let me go

27:37

to a sperm bank , or whatever and do it myself

27:39

and then people can judge you saying well , why are you going to do that

27:41

? You know it's very it's hard to raise children

27:43

it could be anybody . You know all of

27:45

these things , yeah and you tend to judge

27:47

their decision on doing that because you would

27:50

never . Because you would never do that , but maybe they're really

27:52

convicted and that's what they want to do , because they really are

27:54

out here like I don't see nobody around or

27:56

any partner and I want a child . Is

27:59

that wrong you ? They should be

28:01

able to do what they want to do , and then that's . That's

28:03

okay .

28:04

It may not have been the way you wanted to do it , but it's not your

28:06

life , Right , you know so I

28:08

think my thing is , especially if no one asked for your advice

28:10

or your opinion , because I think if somebody

28:12

comes to you with something , then yeah , give them let

28:24

them with that , yeah , but with .

28:24

For me it's a lot of like the unsolicited correct advice and opinion and , and

28:27

you know , I think it's okay to be a disclaimer for example , I had , um , you

28:29

know , uh , uh , a superior of mine . That was , you know , how do

28:31

you do ? You know , do you want children ? I'm

28:33

just letting you know , because if you want children

28:36

, you may want to consider freezing your eggs , because

28:38

you know , for me it got a little late and I

28:40

couldn't do it , and so so you know

28:42

something I wish I did early on . So

28:45

I never took it like they're trying to like

28:48

force me or you know it was more of like just

28:50

disclaimer . You may want to look into if

28:52

this is what you want to do , because just for me

28:54

it wasn't , you know . So I'm just going to give you this advice and

28:56

you take it , and honestly

28:58

, right and honestly , I was like you know what

29:00

? I never even thought of it . Thank you for saying that , you know

29:02

, because I didn't even . I love that . You know , but

29:05

also I think I was also in

29:07

an immature , sorry , mature

29:10

setting

29:12

to receive that and know that you're not really trying to

29:14

come for me and what I'm doing . You're really just trying to give

29:17

me some advice , because that's maybe what you

29:19

learned yourself . You know , yeah , you

29:22

know and knowing , and I think even like other

29:25

versions of monica when she was under put probably like what

29:27

do you mean ?

29:28

I would probably be like that's just not the way I want to be

29:30

correct , correct , but what if that's not ?

29:34

the reality we don't know what life is gonna do you don't

29:36

know what you don't know . Right , we don't know what we don't know

29:38

and I think it's okay to say I don't know yet . We

29:40

talked about this , about like saying like are you gonna

29:42

do you want to get married ? I don't , maybe . Maybe you just don't

29:44

know where it's gonna go yet , you know

29:46

we feel pressured to have an answer for

29:48

everything right now right it's like what

29:51

do you mean ?

29:51

you're 35 and you don't know yet

29:53

what if you don't people that are ? 55

29:55

and don't know if they want to get married .

29:56

That's true too , you're right they don't know , and

29:59

they and they are in like relationships , but they just

30:01

haven't jumped the broom yet . You

30:03

know what ? I mean and they just don't know if that's what they want to

30:05

do yet . Or you know , if that's what I

30:07

, you know , I think you know I we

30:10

have to respect people and where they are and especially if

30:12

that's what you want . Like some people maybe don't want to be married

30:14

, maybe they just really are . Now , if you

30:16

want to be married and you are somebody who's also , you

30:19

may want to decide to get out of that . Because if

30:21

it's 10 years and you still don't you want to get married , it

30:23

happens . You may want to , because

30:28

I can see if both are on the agreeance of this

30:30

, but if one is like not and

30:32

you know what I mean or like if one person

30:34

wants kids and one person doesn't , yeah , what you , you

30:36

may want to . Yeah , I'm not gonna sit

30:38

here and stay . If you say you don't want that , I'm going to go

30:41

jump ship . So if you're both of that , agrees , I

30:43

think it's good to you know . It's

30:45

just what it is , but yeah .

30:47

I think that the important thing is getting

30:49

to know yourself and sitting with

30:51

yourself enough long enough to know

30:53

and really think about what it is in

30:55

general in life that you do want , because

30:58

I was listening to this podcast

31:00

. I love listening to podcasts with

31:02

Lori Gottlieb . She's like

31:04

a psychotherapist and she was talking to this woman who is like I

31:07

think this woman's 35 or 36

31:09

and she just got married and

31:11

she was going on and on about how she

31:13

thought she would have kids by now and

31:16

she's like she's basically kind of like brushing

31:18

her husband to having kids . Cause she's like I found

31:20

I

31:24

spent all this time like dating you , finding out who were here when you did blah , blah , but then

31:26

I think they were having some issues in their marriage . So she's thinking like it's not gonna work

31:29

out , she may have to leave him . But then

31:31

now she's like telling laurie and the other therapist like

31:33

if I leave him , I feel like I spent so much time and

31:35

I'm already in my mid to late 30s

31:37

and I'm gonna have to rush and try to . you

31:39

know , I'm basically like she was worried about her clock

31:41

like her biological clock , and the therapists

31:44

were telling her sometimes you have to like

31:46

slow down and really sit in the decision

31:48

before you like quickly

31:50

make another one . Because she was like they

31:52

were talking to her and they were like it seemed like you kind

31:54

of rushed into this marriage because of your timeline

31:57

, now you're trying to rush into this baby because of a

31:59

timeline and then now you may be

32:01

divorced and like she was even saying like I'm even

32:03

just willing to just go out and have you

32:05

know , just to have a baby and just because I'm getting older

32:07

and just and they were like well , sometimes you have

32:09

to sit there . It was a lot of pressure and she was

32:11

putting a lot of it on herself and they were saying something

32:14

that I really love like sometimes you have to slow

32:16

down to really like

32:18

think clearly , yes , instead

32:21

of like rushing to make those like quick

32:23

decisions , because I think they were telling

32:25

her had you slowed down , maybe you would have realized

32:28

this wasn't the partner for you and

32:30

maybe you would have found someone who wasn't . You would have had

32:32

your baby by now but now , because

32:34

you're , you were making decisions so quickly

32:36

, and now it's like now she's like

32:38

, okay , I'm just gonna rush and divorce him and blah blah . And then they're

32:41

like well again , so why don't you slow down

32:43

? Do couples counseling , do therapy , see if you

32:45

can work it out , because then maybe you you know you

32:47

guys can and then you can still have your baby , versus you

32:49

rush out of here , then you waste another five years dating

32:51

and then you really don't get your . So it's like her

32:53

rushing was kind of causing her to miss

32:56

out on these things , which is where

32:58

I feel like a lot of people are . They're

33:00

like okay , timeline clock , I got to figure out . She's

33:07

like , no , really sit in things and take your time and then the decision will come

33:09

, because you're getting there in a place of

33:11

stillness and peace and clarity . You're

33:13

making the decision To

33:15

even think You're not hasting , yes , making

33:18

the decision .

33:18

Based on a timeline or a judgment or something

33:21

like that . It'd be us , sometimes our own

33:23

selves , honestly . But

33:25

I wonder , did that pressure stem from

33:27

other things , more than her that

33:30

maybe caused her to ?

33:31

But like you said it , was like her biological clock .

33:33

But also , I think , culture pushes that

33:36

clock as if it

33:38

is a blanket for everyone

33:40

, when it's not true . Everyone's body is different . Everyone's

33:43

body is , you know , does their

33:45

own thing . Their own uteruses are different , so there's no

33:47

need to . You know we

33:49

can't compare . Oh , you know , there's many people that have

33:51

had babies at 40 , 45 , 50

33:53

, you know again , we know the

33:55

signs of signs . I know I personally wouldn't want

33:57

it at 50 because I just I need to

33:59

be able to move and run , you know .

34:01

So you know , for other reasons , you

34:03

know , but I think you know um

34:05

that that

34:09

can really make us make

34:11

harsh decisions , like this girl did

34:14

, or maybe do you think like sometimes , like those

34:16

pressures can make a person like forego

34:18

their own decision altogether , like maybe they did have their own plan and their own . You

34:20

know decision they they did have their own plan and their own

34:22

. You know decision . They're like you know what people

34:24

have pressured me into , like my ways , the wrong way

34:26

, so let me just screw it , forget it .

34:28

I just won't do it my way then , right , I hear

34:30

you because , like , let's okay , going back to the whole

34:32

, you know you may want to freeze your eggs or whatever it may be

34:35

thing , and it's like , okay , um

34:37

, maybe that's not what you never thought of

34:39

doing , but now , because of this pressure , you're really like looking . Oh my God , maybe

34:41

I need to .

34:41

That could be your reality now . Yeah .

34:43

Maybe I need to go to this and it's just like , well

34:46

, wait , let's think , is that what you really wanted

34:48

to do , or are you just doing that based on because you just got the idea

34:50

and you really are ? Now I feel like people

34:53

and society can push you

34:56

into a decision . You never were

34:59

thinking of making to begin with that one , because

35:01

they now put something in your purview that made you start to worry

35:03

. Wait , should I be concerned

35:05

about ? Maybe I

35:07

?

35:07

wasn't concerned , because I wasn't concerned Now .

35:09

I'm concerned Right Now

35:11

. I'm like , oh , should

35:13

I be concerned about that ? You know , I

35:16

thought I still had time . I thought what is my oyster

35:19

?

35:20

There's still time to get married . Now

35:26

you still had time . I thought that what is my oyster ? There's still time to get married . So now you're a senior citizen , right ?

35:28

so I think we have to be careful of not allowing that energy , the outside noise yes , outside , I call it outside , yeah

35:30

to penetrate already what we already have decided in our minds

35:32

and let other people influence us to decisions that we

35:34

never wanted to make . You know , I think we can definitely

35:37

do that because we've let that pressure come to us , you know , and it's

35:39

like what you let that pressure come to us , you

35:41

know , and it's like what you know

35:43

. For example , if it's like you know , oh

35:45

sorry , been in that job for eight years , why are you

35:47

not going ? Another Leaving

35:59

, limiting myself right now , start to question your

36:01

decisions based on what the comments someone

36:03

has said . Yeah , you know , and

36:05

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to say those

36:07

things , but it's like , if that's what you're never thinking of , I

36:09

think it's good to sit and think and gauge Is

36:11

it the person ? Is it you , were you ? I can

36:13

understand if you're already on that

36:15

bandwidth of thinking you need to leave and

36:18

that person said that to you . Maybe that's a confirmation that

36:20

maybe you do need to leave because I was really thinking

36:22

about this anything . But if you were just moseying

36:25

on along and that came out , you'd

36:27

be like wait a minute . Now I'm like am

36:29

I overstating ? Am I limiting myself ? I

36:31

think it's worth reflection if someone says , especially

36:33

someone close to you but , then

36:35

also come to your conclusion . You

36:37

know , I think they may have a

36:39

point , but not right now , maybe in the future or

36:42

you know what , maybe I do need to

36:44

think about this . You know , I think it's good to like go

36:46

over it , but not make a harsh decision

36:48

based on what they say someone

36:50

else said because also , a lot of people what I'm

36:52

learning , we talk about this all the time are projecting correct

36:55

.

36:55

So a lot of people project a lot of things

36:57

on us and if you're not really like solid

37:00

, you're on who you are and what you want

37:03

, that yeah , you're like

37:06

are they overpaying on their underpayment ? Yeah

37:08

, when really that

37:10

was not even about you or that job . Maybe they had

37:12

a bad experience at a company they

37:15

gave their whole life to and they think

37:17

that's gonna happen to you when

37:19

it because they always they felt like maybe they overstayed

37:21

their welcome , so they don't want you to overstay your welcome

37:23

, but maybe once you're not overstaying your welcome .

37:25

Maybe you're . You're where you need to be .

37:28

Maybe I'm celebrated here , maybe I'm encouraged

37:30

here , maybe I'm yeah . So

37:32

it's , oh my gosh , that projecting is so , it's

37:36

so serious our fears and our wants

37:38

and our worries onto people , yeah

37:41

, or ?

37:41

where they think you should be . You should be a manager by now . You

37:43

should be a ceo by now . You know there's been a lot of

37:45

time you need to be doing . You need to be , because

37:47

they thought that maybe that's where they wanted

37:50

to be and they never got to be , that maybe the time expired

37:52

or whatever . So they just again . Maybe they just don't

37:54

want you to miss out and doing all those things . But what

37:56

if that's not where your path leads to

37:58

? Maybe you're just meant to stay where

38:00

you are or to flourish

38:03

when you're ready to flourish , not when they think

38:05

you need to flourish . Because

38:07

we can sometimes miss the blessing when

38:10

we move in haste . We can sometimes

38:13

miss things that are

38:15

oh , because if you would just stay still , God

38:17

would have blessed that but you decided to move

38:19

. I guess as well . So good luck .

38:21

Because now it's like say well , now am I only valuable

38:23

or worthy as the CEO of the company ? What

38:26

, what about just a line level employee ? Is

38:28

my worth then tied ? Into that and then you're kind

38:30

of missing those small blessings , I think

38:33

because you're waiting for that big thing

38:35

. I think that's for me was like a lot of you

38:37

know , when this big thing happens , I'll

38:39

celebrate when I get that big , that new car

38:41

or that big ? House , then I'll

38:43

start celebrating my life . Why ?

38:45

can't you celebrate ? I have a great life now

38:47

. I have a lot of things now that a lot of

38:49

people would exactly yes

38:52

, it's always the next thing , the next thing , the next thing

38:54

, the next thing , the next thing because I do believe that's

38:56

how culture does . Celebrate people is the next thing

38:58

.

38:58

The next thing the next , next , next , okay , next

39:00

, next , next , okay . You graduated , now what's next ?

39:02

Next . Now , what's next ? Okay , now what's next ?

39:04

So you , never really bask in the glory of what you've

39:06

even attained . No .

39:07

Until you look back and be like I've done so many things and I missed

39:10

it myself the fruits of your labor . I

39:15

missed it myself . You worked

39:17

so and now you're miserable because you never really got

39:19

to celebrate and really truly go

39:21

and understand where you're going . It's hard

39:24

, oh man , it's unfortunate

39:26

. It is . It's so sad , you

39:28

know , we just need to be able to be

39:30

grateful and have gratitude for what we are now and be content

39:32

when we are right now what we have versus what we don't have Right

39:34

now .

39:35

Right now .

39:36

And look more at what we have than what we

39:38

don't have , more

39:41

what we have than what we don't have , and that's something I've even had to like retrain

39:43

my mind . We took the focus on what we haven't done what we aren't where we

39:45

have a future , right future . Instead of look at

39:47

where we've come , look what we've attained , we

39:49

should be proud of ourselves for where we are and

39:51

what we've done and how we're navigating and

39:53

moving , and you know how far you've

39:55

come right and then and then be

39:58

like I'm yes

40:00

.

40:01

Who was I listening to ? I think it was Viola Davis

40:03

. Somebody had interviewed her like in the beginning of her

40:05

career and they were like this is as far as you

40:07

go , and you never go any further than

40:09

this . Is that enough ? And she was like you know

40:11

what Things are good right now ? I think I would

40:13

be happy if things so . It's like starting to ask

40:15

myself if I never get

40:17

to move out of this apartment , would I be

40:19

okay ?

40:20

it's not the dream but , I think I would be

40:22

fine you know , I'm not the world is not gonna

40:24

come crumbling around me , right

40:27

, right , right , or if you never get married

40:29

, or if you never get you know , like those things

40:31

, like , are you able to hold the tension of

40:33

yes ?

40:34

I would like it , but it doesn't happen . Great , yes

40:37

, but it doesn't happen , am I ?

40:39

does that mean my life is over ? No , it doesn't , doesn't you know what

40:41

I mean , and so I think , holding both ends

40:43

of that spectrum

40:45

you know for your life and even for other , I

40:47

think when you can do that for you , you also are

40:49

easily to accept that for other people as well

40:51

.

40:52

Yes , I think you're easily to accept that

40:54

You're like .

40:54

you know what I get it . You know if she's great

40:56

, I support you , whether you do or you don't

40:58

, because I know you're going to be good regardless , correct

41:01

.

41:01

I think that's what we should start telling people .

41:03

Either way , you're good , yeah , god's with

41:05

you either way . Whichever , way it goes

41:07

, you know , and

41:09

it's not . One way is right , one way is wrong , and I think

41:11

that's what it is , you know . Yes , we tend

41:13

to look at it like it's all or nothing , like

41:23

you're all or , and that's not

41:25

true . We're able to be exactly like who we are , how we're meant to be . So , yeah , it can

41:27

be unfortunate sometimes , but I think , like you said , it's just being stable

41:30

, holding your ground , not allowing the

41:32

outside noise to come and cloud your judgment .

41:34

You know just be firm , being unapologetically

41:37

, you and being unapologetically you and

41:39

you being you is enough . You

41:42

being you is enough . You being you is enough .

41:43

Period Point blank . Stamp

41:46

it Period . Whatever you want

41:48

to do to it , yeah

41:51

, on that note

41:53

. Yeah , thanks

41:55

for listening . I know it's probably probably

41:58

went on and on , but I think it was an important conversation

42:00

. It was , it was .

42:02

And it's okay to not agree with everything that

42:04

we're saying , of course . And how someone else is living

42:06

, but it just no

42:08

, it's what's working for them .

42:10

Right , exactly , and maybe they're

42:12

happy about it , even though it

42:14

may not be what you thought it would be for them , and

42:16

if they're happy with it , then be happy for them

42:18

and accept them where they are .

42:20

Yeah that's all we want

42:22

. Thank you , guys cheerio

42:27

I'm going home , I'm going to bed now . Bye you .