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time. Both

1:00

of the Kroll Classics, I'm people super craving. fan, Giovanni. This

1:02

is the we play the best we play the

1:04

best moments the clips from all fans years

1:06

of the Adam from all 15 We have

1:08

the podcast Show. We have a Classics. You can

1:10

find Kroll episodes find entire archive, exclusively

1:12

available through Adam available Adam along with a

1:14

brand new show beat it a featuring

1:16

Adam and out featuring Adam and Jay onto the

1:18

clips. the clips. For the first day,

1:20

we have Adam Cruller Show 77, show 77,

1:22

once again doing a a Teresa Strasser, Bishop,

1:24

day and date -date news format episode. episode that airs

1:27

immediately after the last one. This indicates the format and formula from

1:29

of the Adam people were craving. I've gone gone

1:31

back and and remastered the audio it far more

1:33

more Hope you guys enjoy. guys enjoy. Teresa

1:39

Strasser and Bald Brian. It's good good to see you

1:41

guys. Been a couple of days. Yeah,

1:43

good to see you guys. so good

1:45

to be here, I miss us. Teresa, everyone

1:47

everyone loves these shows. It's

1:49

easy and it just feels

1:51

like a like a warm slipper. Nicely broken

1:53

broken in. So Teresa, in

1:55

you're in month of your of

1:57

your pregnancy? I'm in month number five.

2:00

my boobes are month number nine. Yeah,

2:02

yeah they are. Yeah. Nice. And Brian,

2:04

how's your health? Oh, I'm hanging in.

2:06

I'm doing good, man. I'm halfway done

2:09

with treatment. I started a week number

2:11

four out of six today, and I

2:13

feel good. I mean, my brain tumor

2:15

symptoms are getting kind of worse, but

2:18

talked to the doctor about it. He

2:20

said, that's totally normal. You totally expected

2:22

to get the radiation, and it's going

2:24

to make a seaborse at times, but

2:26

eventually should get better. So what happens

2:29

is the radiation sort of activates the

2:31

tumor or the symptoms a little bit?

2:33

Yes, exactly. It swells your brain, makes

2:35

it kind of like feel worse, and

2:37

the symptoms can get worse, but you

2:40

know, the way I think about it,

2:42

the way I guess, it makes sense

2:44

to me is imagine if you were

2:46

a tumor, and if you're getting radiated

2:49

every day, you're going to thrash about

2:51

and scramble too. Yeah, I would swel.

2:53

Yeah. Yeah, that was like junior high

2:55

for me. You felt like a tumor?

2:57

Yeah, I did. I'm more or I

3:00

felt like a cancer that's trying to

3:02

be carved out of my house. Oh,

3:04

we have something common. So if you

3:06

see Brian, I would say his movements

3:08

are sort of deliberate, kind of have

3:11

that old man at the supermarket luck.

3:13

I feel drunk all the time, you

3:15

know what I mean? Like I can

3:17

compare to how you feel when you

3:20

feel drunk, you're like, oh, daddy, you

3:22

know, got to study yourself and hold

3:24

on things, I got a lydiziness, but

3:26

it's the way, it's the doctor says

3:28

normal. And if they say it's normal,

3:31

then I'm... It sounds positive because they're

3:33

radiating, they're pulverizing the bad stuff, and

3:35

that's making it swell a little. Psychologically,

3:37

it almost feels good to know that

3:39

things are working and things are happening.

3:42

You know, it's like it feels like

3:44

progress being made. Yes. And how about

3:46

driving? Drive very deliberately and cautiously. It's

3:48

like being a first time driver. It's

3:51

like being a first-time driver. It's like

3:53

being a first-time driver. It's like being

3:55

a first-time driver. It's like being a

3:57

first-time driver. It feels good to get

3:59

behind the wheel and drive, you know,

4:02

deliberately and costly. you're able, so now

4:04

you have another few weeks left, you're

4:06

halfway, about halfway into the cycle? Yeah,

4:08

I got three weeks left. Three weeks

4:10

left on a six-week cycle and then

4:13

you take how long off? I get

4:15

about four weeks off from everything and

4:17

the radiation is done after six weeks.

4:19

Apparently you only do radiation once. It's

4:22

a one-time deal. So radiation is done

4:24

after these six weeks and then I've

4:26

got a four-week break at which point

4:28

I go back on the chemotherapy and

4:30

that's only five days out of 30.

4:33

So it's their short cycles for chemotherapy.

4:35

How many cycles do you do? I

4:37

think that's an indefinite thing. Adam was

4:39

talking earlier on an earlier broadcast about

4:41

them. Dr. Roos' sister Donna, if I

4:44

could use her first name, she had

4:46

a very similar tumor to what I

4:48

have and actually I think she still

4:50

has it. You know, they were able

4:53

to get under control with the radiation,

4:55

the chemo, she did the exact same

4:57

thing and I did, and this was

4:59

like eight years ago, and I talked

5:01

to her at your... Did she do

5:04

the chemo in the radiation? I believe

5:06

so. I didn't know she did that.

5:08

She talked to my parents and my

5:10

fiance for a long time because I

5:12

think they had a lot of questions

5:15

for her how to go and how's

5:17

it going and she's, you know, as

5:19

normal as can me and that's the

5:21

goal for me. Yeah, these tumors somehow

5:24

get started very early on but then

5:26

sometimes don't, the symptoms don't present themselves

5:28

until later on in life. In her

5:30

case it was probably not till she

5:32

was 45. And if I can thank

5:35

Dr. Bruce, he already thanked him. He

5:37

was a guy that called me right

5:39

away and he was like checked out

5:41

on me. He's like, hey, my sister

5:43

house will you have and if you

5:46

want to talk to her, that'd be

5:48

great. And I finally got that. Oh,

5:50

Drew did have his publicist call you

5:52

and send over a generic fruit basket.

5:55

Did he not? He had muffin basket

5:57

and he might have twittered. I got

5:59

an edible arranges. Yeah, Dr. Bruce is

6:01

a great guy who seems to have

6:03

sort of boundless energy for other people's

6:06

junk. not so much his own and

6:08

who has weird kids who were over

6:10

at my house the other day let

6:12

me just change the subject here to

6:14

but look what's wrong with kids today

6:17

I know I just sound like officer

6:19

Klaansky from the from the 50s France

6:21

ski or whatever pops corolla but I

6:23

mean kids first off this this is

6:26

all comes off the heels of Jimmy's

6:28

kid Jimmy's son got pulled over I

6:30

believe on the way back from our

6:32

My wife said you know Jimmy's son

6:34

got pulled over on the way back

6:37

from the Malibu Caker on the freeway

6:39

and I said oh Jesus was he

6:41

drunk was he weaving was he speeding?

6:43

No, he was going 40 on the

6:45

101 and the cop and I launched

6:48

into what the fuck is wrong like

6:50

Doni When you were 16 or 17,

6:52

you were doing e-breaks, brodies, 360s on

6:54

the lawn doing donuts, right? It was

6:57

a different time, Pierre. I know, but

6:59

I'm just saying, so I go from

7:01

that to, you know, when I'm talking

7:03

to Dr. Bruce's kids and I'm like,

7:05

we're gonna order pizza for him. Well,

7:08

you know, his son is, I don't

7:10

know, 10, 11, his daughter's like 14.

7:12

What do you like on your pizza?

7:14

I don't know. Well, what do you

7:16

like? I don't know. Well, what's your

7:19

favorite topping? It doesn't matter. Well, okay,

7:21

I know it doesn't matter, but just

7:23

go ahead and shout one out. I

7:25

mean, you must have a favorite, not

7:28

really. I like the despair lovers pizza.

7:30

Yeah, I like tears. I like the

7:32

salty brine of tears. Do you have

7:34

orphan tears? I don't like crazy bread,

7:36

but I don't mind sad bread. What

7:39

I want half orphan tears and half

7:41

the broken backs of widows who have

7:43

who have been forced to work after

7:45

husbands died in minds like so here's

7:47

and then every argument I get in

7:50

my wife goes like this well you

7:52

gotta have one you like Adam leave

7:54

them alone I'm not I'm not attacking

7:56

I'm not attacking I'm just saying is

7:59

it pineapple and sausage what do you

8:01

like quit badgering them were things they

8:03

like I know and then it becomes

8:05

as yeah stop badgering them leave alone

8:07

When I was 14, if someone said,

8:10

you know, first off, what do you

8:12

want on your pizza? I'd be like,

8:14

pizza? We're getting pizza? Could we get

8:16

two pizzas? What's going on? I'll have

8:18

everything. Put everything on there. Put everything

8:21

but anchovies on there. Like, put everything

8:23

but anchovies on there. Like, put everything

8:25

but anchovies on there. Like, put everything

8:27

on there. Like, that's the other thing,

8:30

too. Like, I can't tell you how

8:32

many kids I've said, like, like, like,

8:34

like, they've come into my house. They're

8:36

the kids of parents who come over

8:38

and you go, ah, you want a,

8:41

you want a, you want a orange

8:43

juice or a Coke or Sprite or

8:45

Seven Up, no thanks. What? Who turns

8:47

out a free software? When you were

8:49

fucking 12, if someone said you want

8:52

a root beer, would it be like,

8:54

no thanks old man? Like, really? You

8:56

know, it was the height of fine

8:58

dining. Like, when we went out and

9:01

we could order a soft drink with

9:03

our dinner, that felt like the most

9:05

luxurious thing. Like, to me, to this

9:07

day, I still love drinking out of

9:09

a straw, because I associate that with,

9:12

you know, a paid for drink. Totally.

9:14

And. Was there a scenario that you

9:16

could remember that like like if I

9:18

was 12 and I just did some

9:20

sort of dads presents the root beer

9:23

consumption competition from Coney Island done on

9:25

Memorial Day and I just drank 70

9:27

liters of root beer and then yacked

9:29

it all up through my nose if

9:32

I showed up at one of my

9:34

friend's house and they offered me a

9:36

root beer I still would have taken

9:38

it and said I'll drink it later.

9:40

There was no scenario under which I

9:43

would have been the... Eh. Nah. I

9:45

offer kids like cokes, root beers, you

9:47

want some cookies, you want some candy.

9:49

Don't you also think that the kids

9:51

taste is different? Like when do... There's

9:54

not regular coke that you've grown up

9:56

with. There's so many varieties of drinks.

9:58

Maybe they're just into a... I think

10:00

kids are just douche bags now. I

10:03

really think they're just assholes. You offer

10:05

them any of the other things that

10:07

you yourself would have liked as a

10:09

teenager. Like, look, here's a playboy. Did

10:11

you like to see, I don't know

10:14

who this woman is, but she's nude

10:16

in the middle. Take a look. She's

10:18

a sweetest supermodel. I don't like, I

10:20

just, I just, I can't tell you

10:22

all the kids like, I've had this

10:25

happen with Jimmy's kid, I've had it

10:27

happen with Bruce's kid, where I've like,

10:29

hey, why don't you grab the football?

10:31

I know it's a different time. I

10:34

know everyone has video games and everyone

10:36

has real things they can do and

10:38

computers and the internet and all that

10:40

kind of shit. But the root beer

10:42

or the Coke? No thanks! Plus when

10:45

you're younger you had that one, maybe

10:47

like father or family, you went over

10:49

and they're like, would you like it?

10:51

And you're like, yes, whatever you got,

10:53

I'll take, because you only got good

10:56

stuff, you got root beer, coke, something,

10:58

it's not a second of you, something,

11:00

some crappy soda, some juice. I'm just,

11:02

I'm trying to think of the number

11:05

of things, especially food items, I've turned

11:07

down, like, uh, Yeah, awesome. Is that

11:09

crunchy or is that something that's more

11:11

sweet? You can see, I'll take it.

11:13

That sounds good. Do you have any

11:16

consumption? I know. Just what is the

11:18

casual, eh? I don't care what's on

11:20

my pizza. First off, no general excitement

11:22

over pizza. I would have shouted the

11:24

word pizza at least 12 times. Pizza,

11:27

pizza, pizza. And then there would have

11:29

been questions. Like, who's getting the pizza

11:31

and why aren't they gone? And the

11:33

other, and I'll take it a step

11:36

further. Not only the pizza stuff, not

11:38

only the Coke stuff, but I have

11:40

a where. here and there's like mini

11:42

bikes and dune buggies and shit like

11:44

that and my friends kids walk through

11:47

here all the time barely give it

11:49

a second look if I was 10

11:51

or 13 or 9 and I walked

11:53

through my warehouse and be like what's

11:55

going on with that mini bike whose

11:58

mini bike is that what's it run

12:00

does it run can we ride it

12:02

can we write it who's mini way

12:04

whose co-car is that Who's going on

12:07

on on that go car? I want

12:09

a great car. You know what I

12:11

need? I need a root beer? I

12:13

need some pizza? And I need a

12:15

go car right now. What's going on

12:18

on on that go car? Is it

12:20

run? Who's is that? Like, I would...

12:22

First question would always be, who's is

12:24

that? How does it work? And when

12:26

can we get it out to the

12:29

fucking parking lot? What is wrong with

12:31

everybody? Like in our day it was

12:33

like a panic like there was a

12:35

fire and an emergency if you saw

12:38

something interesting that you wanted to take.

12:40

If I walked into some kids garage

12:42

and he had Honda XR 75 like

12:44

leaning against the bench or minibike or

12:46

go cart I would have been like,

12:49

huh, what is this? Whose is this?

12:51

Where does it go? Where can we

12:53

do this? It's an emanating light. The

12:55

garage door would open, shaft applied, I'd

12:57

be holding my hand up to shield

13:00

it from my face, oh, oh, there's

13:02

a mini bike, oh, not, eh, meh,

13:04

you actually might have thought that you

13:06

were dead. Yes, I've died and gone

13:09

to mini-bike heaven. Because I can't be

13:11

alive because I'm the like latchkey grape

13:13

nuts single mom kit. Right. I couldn't.

13:15

What is going on? It's not just,

13:17

I mean, everyone goes, ah, people have

13:20

money now or people don't give a...

13:22

You want to scream to the kids?

13:24

You're like, please, please react to my

13:26

recastry youth. Right. And they're like, like,

13:28

ah, fair. I'm offering you pizza. I

13:31

need to react. What is going on?

13:33

Well, you know, the females I give

13:35

a pass to, but the males stepping

13:37

right over the mini bikes walking. past

13:40

the go-karts, right past the soda, and

13:42

right past the pizza. Nothing. And an

13:44

age range of nine-year-old or even seven-year-old

13:46

to like 15 years old, not in

13:48

interest. No, by the way, the whole

13:51

reason I know how to ride a

13:53

unicycle is because my dad went to

13:55

his girlfriend's house. in 1977, and there

13:57

was a unicycle sitting in the kid's

13:59

room. And I was like, what is

14:02

this? What is this? This is a

14:04

unicycle. And the kid wasn't home, and

14:06

no one was around, and I'm sure

14:08

my dad just wanted to make out

14:11

on the sofa or something. So I

14:13

said, I will take this unicycle, I

14:15

will go out into the sidewalk, I'll

14:17

hang on to the side of a

14:19

tree or a car fender, and I'll

14:22

teach myself to ride it for the

14:24

next two hours. To this day, even

14:26

though I'm like, you know, pushing 40

14:28

up a hill, or I should say

14:31

30, if I see a Malibu dream

14:33

house or like those pink barbie corvettes,

14:35

something in me wants to touch it

14:37

and play with it. It's still magical.

14:39

Is stuff too, like, plentiful? Because it's

14:42

not really about money. I mean, shit

14:44

is cheap now, and toys are cheap,

14:46

and I also feel like... there's no

14:48

season for buying toys it's it's it's

14:50

it's it's like there was duck hunting

14:53

season and you could only hunt ducks

14:55

during these months and now it's open

14:57

season and like my wife was saying

14:59

to me a month ago we got

15:02

to get the kids a swing set

15:04

they want a play on the swings

15:06

i want to get a big swing

15:08

with a jungle gym and a slide

15:10

and i said Well, their birthday is

15:13

coming up. Oh, well, we'll get it

15:15

for them now. I said, why don't

15:17

we wait a month and we'll give

15:19

it to them for their birthday? But

15:21

they want the swing set now. I

15:24

know, but there's this thing that you

15:26

get gifts on your birthday and you

15:28

get gifts for Christmas. You build up

15:30

anticipation. Right. And then it has meaning.

15:33

It's called for play. Right. It really

15:35

is. pierced or do you have your

15:37

ears pierced? Yeah I got my ears

15:39

pierced when I was probably nine or

15:41

ten because I'm gonna wait with my

15:44

daughters I want to wait till there's

15:46

somewhere around ten before they get their

15:48

ears pierced. I couldn't wait I could

15:50

not wait to get my ears pierced

15:52

but I think it was a bigger

15:55

build though there was a build I

15:57

think I had to keep my room

15:59

I think I had a bigger build

16:01

though there I think I had to

16:04

keep my ears pierced but I think

16:06

a lot of A lot of girls.

16:08

Well, if you're going to be pregnant

16:10

at 12, you better get your ears

16:12

pierced. You better get that out of

16:15

the way. Do your girls, Fiona and

16:17

Charlie, play with dolls? Yes, they love

16:19

dolls. They're girls, they're girly girls. Yeah,

16:21

my son, you can threaten him by,

16:23

like, you come at him with something

16:26

pink. Soft. And it's, and it's like

16:28

coming at Count Dracula with a cross.

16:30

No, no! No, and my daughters ran

16:32

around like a whore with the makeup,

16:35

like a, like a drunken horse. She's

16:37

applying her own makeup. Oh, good. And

16:39

by the way, these. These gifts, like,

16:41

hey, and this is, you know, we're

16:43

talking about Dr. Bruce, there's a couple

16:46

of horrible, horrible gifts. My sister got

16:48

them gifts. that you've heard me complain

16:50

about before which is the plastic food

16:52

it's a little miniature hot dogs it's

16:54

miniature watermelons all stuff first off obviously

16:57

you can choke on this shit right

16:59

secondly the it's all filled with melamine

17:01

and shit from china i mean i'm

17:03

sure it's first off it's just plastic

17:06

i mean do you really want your

17:08

two-year-old just gnawing on plastic god knows

17:10

what kind of weird resins and shit

17:12

is in there that's just the plastic

17:14

forget about the orange dye number 15

17:17

that's on the hot dog that comes

17:19

from China out of the tainted batch

17:21

of paint over there but then second

17:23

and then thirdly what message are you

17:25

sending here's a hot dog these are

17:28

what hot dogs taste like weird plasticy

17:30

taste like so this sort of This

17:32

sort of game or this gift of,

17:34

we're going to get fake food to

17:37

fuck with the kids who are going

17:39

to put it in their mouth and

17:41

possibly choke on it. At least, best

17:43

case scenario, they get a little brain

17:45

damage from taking on some of the...

17:48

Brian is sitting right here. He doesn't

17:50

have damage. Not yet. I'm going to

17:52

Vegas a weekend for a bachelor party,

17:54

so God willing to come back to

17:56

some brain damage. Oh my god, it's

17:59

very flaky stumbling. My fantasy is that

18:01

you'll be stumbling. Right. And then some

18:03

bartender will be a real asshole and

18:05

say, sir, you gotta go. Even though

18:08

it serves. And then you'll say, you

18:10

know what, I know I seem drunk,

18:12

but I have a brain tool. I'm

18:14

going to get to the craft table

18:16

and knock over a stack of chips.

18:19

Totally sober, right? I'd be like, I'll

18:21

just tell him. I'm like, sir, you've

18:23

been over-served. Please have a word of

18:25

the craft. Can you drink it all,

18:27

by the way? Yeah, totally. I mean.

18:30

I'm like, can you drink it all,

18:32

by the way? Yeah. Yeah, totally. I'm

18:34

good. I mean. Can you have to.

18:36

Can you have to. Can you know.

18:39

Can you know. Can you know. Can

18:41

you know. Can you know. Can you

18:43

know. Can you know. Can you know.

18:45

Can you know. Can you. Can you.

18:47

Can you. Can you. Can you. Can

18:50

you. Can you. Can you. Can you.

18:52

Can you. Can you. Can you. Can

18:54

you. Can you. Can you. Can you.

18:56

Can you. Can you. Can you. So,

18:58

the second worst gift you can get

19:01

besides the fake food is the fake

19:03

little makeup kit, like the dolly part

19:05

and makeup kit, because my daughter smearing

19:07

the shit all over face, and not

19:10

only all over face, all over face,

19:12

all over face, all over the counter,

19:14

all over the floor, all over the

19:16

drapes, the shit is getting all over

19:18

the fucking place. And what are you?

19:21

So, you get to teach your kid

19:23

out to be a trolop. This is

19:25

a trolop. I think probably kindergarten class

19:27

picture, so maybe I'm five. I have

19:29

a full face of makeup. Really? Yeah,

19:32

and I looked at it later, I

19:34

asked my mom, why did you let

19:36

me go to school like that? And

19:38

she said, well, it was picture day,

19:41

and you were really enthusiastic and you

19:43

had to get into the makeup. But

19:45

I had like, what, I mean, I

19:47

looked like a hooer. I had like

19:49

red cheeks and blue eyes, and I

19:52

think I tried to feather my hair

19:54

a little bit. Yes, you don't there's

19:56

not a lot of subtlety at that

19:58

age with anything and so she's got

20:00

that smeared all over her face and

20:03

he's playing with the trucks and he

20:05

has no interest in that shit. As

20:07

a matter of fact, we'll start screaming

20:09

if she comes near him with that

20:12

stuff. I mean, you have no idea

20:14

how much this shit is cemented in,

20:16

how early and how often. And I

20:18

just can't, and I know I've screamed

20:20

about this many, many times, but I

20:23

just can't believe growing up in the

20:25

70s that we bought, at least a

20:27

small retarded segment of our culture bought

20:29

this idea that this was foisted on

20:31

us by the man. when they come

20:34

out of the hatch and the girls

20:36

make a beeline for the Barbie dolls

20:38

and the boys make a beeline for

20:40

the Tonka trucks and that's ninety nine

20:43

percent of it once in a while

20:45

you get one of the our cats

20:47

who's a little bit confused about which

20:49

one to fuck with but for the

20:51

most part you have two daughters so

20:54

you don't know if you had a

20:56

son he'd be he'd be nuts for

20:58

the trains nuts for the Tonka trucks

21:00

and by the way nuts for solitude

21:02

Just solitude, leave me the fuck alone,

21:05

I got my trains, clear out of

21:07

here. I don't want to be bothered,

21:09

whereas the daughter just follows you around,

21:11

tugging, tugging, and by the way... Leaving

21:14

makeup smears on your pants? And playing

21:16

you. Just, you know, she's got a

21:18

dolly, she's got her own dolly, her

21:20

dolly sleeping, she tells me to be

21:22

quiet, the dolly sleeping, she wants the

21:25

dolly, she doesn't want this blanky, she

21:27

wants that blanky, she doesn't want the

21:29

mermaid outfit, she wants the princess outfit,

21:31

put the princess outfit on me, get

21:33

it. Go get, you know, she goes

21:36

to the car, I want my sippy

21:38

cup. Here's your sippy cup. No, not

21:40

the Jasmine sippy cup, the Little Mermaid

21:42

sippy cup. Oh, just use this sippy

21:45

cup. See, he doesn't have those rules

21:47

because he just cares that he, he

21:49

only wants water. She doesn't want water

21:51

because there's water in the Jasmine sippy

21:53

cup. She wants to manipulate you and

21:56

get you to go back into the

21:58

house and go get the other sippy

22:00

cup. before, the way she, you know,

22:02

it's nap time, the difference between men

22:04

and women, it's nap time, and Olga

22:07

the nanny says, son he give daddy

22:09

a kiss, good night, and he won't

22:11

come in height, daddy, and he gives

22:13

me a big kiss and he goes

22:16

off to the room, and then Natalia

22:18

give daddy a kiss, no. Give

22:20

Daddy a kiss before nap time. No.

22:23

Kiss daddy for it. No. Not going

22:25

to do it until Olga says, well

22:27

then that's my daddy and I'm going

22:29

to give him a kiss and you

22:32

don't kiss him because then she looks

22:34

at Olga and gives her a look

22:36

like, fuck off bitch. And she walks

22:38

right over and gives me a kiss

22:41

and then gives Olga another look. And

22:43

then Olga goes, don't kiss him again.

22:45

Oh yeah. gives him another look like

22:47

you love it don't you bitch there's

22:50

me second kiss and then goes to

22:52

bed that's how she gets the kiss

22:54

with this she's not even three yet

22:56

in starting the manipulation my baby just

22:59

started kicking just talking about it really

23:01

my little boy is like don't worry

23:03

I'm not gonna pull that shit on

23:05

you guys you know here's what I

23:08

would say about guys self-contained Just can

23:10

go off down to the workshop into

23:12

the garage off to the warehouse and

23:14

just spend five hours there with nothing

23:17

but the talk radio going low maintenance

23:19

Yeah, you have a lot of upkeep.

23:21

I feel like I just swallowed a

23:23

cell phone and somebody's calling me in

23:26

a sun vibrate Really, I feel like

23:28

baby's kicking away. Yeah, he like yeah,

23:30

that or like popcorn. Is it are

23:32

you in good enough condition to try

23:35

some news? Well, I mean, the bar

23:37

is pretty low for me. I think

23:39

at this point. So I think, yeah.

23:41

We were, you know, with the reunion

23:44

and all. We thought we tried some

23:46

news. We tried some Skype calls as

23:48

well. But Teresa brought in some news.

23:50

That's what I love about her. Nice

23:53

crap. Oh, ready. Oh, no music. Oh,

23:55

yeah. I forgot about that. Wow. Can

23:57

you hum something, Brian? I heard hub

23:59

hubos. I had a fantasy yesterday. I

24:01

think I emailed Brian that we could

24:04

have Isaac Hayes back. Oh, because I

24:06

really feel like with everything going on

24:08

with Brian's health, I mean, doctors know

24:10

things, but not like Isaac Hayes knows

24:13

things. Yes. Isaac is clarifying to an

24:15

extent. Yeah, I want to ask him,

24:17

like, is Brian going to be okay?

24:19

And are these symptoms going to do?

24:22

And I want to ask him about

24:24

my baby, like, quality, he did. He

24:26

really, he looked like one. But he

24:28

also had the same cadens. Yeah, and

24:31

now he's like an angel looking down

24:33

like I want to know, you know,

24:35

is my baby going to be healthy?

24:37

Is he going to love me? It's

24:40

good. Yeah, it's good. You know, I

24:42

miss it, but maybe we can work

24:44

on that. I'll work on that. Can

24:46

you get in a heaven with a

24:49

chain mail vest? At least Purgatory. Like,

24:51

you know, I don't know how St.

24:53

Peter works, but if I saw Isaac

24:55

Hayes, I need to see some ID,

24:58

like, whoa, whoa, whoa, who exactly who

25:00

he is. We don't need your kind

25:02

of trouble. Oh, oh, oh, Grammy Award's

25:04

winning. Oh, sorry. But wait, oh, Scientology.

25:07

Oh, sorry. All right, in brief, before

25:09

I launch it, it's gonna be a

25:11

weird move, like St. Peter's over there

25:13

at the gate, and he's got his

25:16

hand on that lever with the hatch,

25:18

and he sees the huge black bald

25:20

guy in the chain male vest, come

25:22

walking up, and he's just the black

25:25

moz. And so you see his hands

25:27

start to move toward the hatch, I

25:29

guess. Okay, so in

25:31

brief before I launch into some

25:33

news, I have to thank your

25:35

listeners. Your podcast listeners are amazing.

25:37

First of all, how many of

25:39

them showed up to Shakespeare? Yeah.

25:41

At your house? That was awesome.

25:44

They were really, love you there.

25:46

And they were all really, really

25:48

nice. And then last time I

25:50

was here, we talked about names

25:52

for a little baby, no name.

25:54

And a lot of people logged

25:56

on to exploiting my baby.com. And

25:58

I got 223. your fans. So

26:00

I just want to tell you

26:02

that the most popular of those,

26:04

by the way, 16 people pro-James.

26:06

They don't think James will be

26:08

Jim. A lot of people pro-Shane,

26:10

you guys like Shane. They don't

26:12

think James will be Jim. They

26:14

don't think James will be Jim.

26:16

Yeah, they say that that's the

26:18

older generation of James, but those

26:20

guys are Jim, but now James

26:22

can retain their William. Declan, pretentious,

26:24

pretentious. William is fine, but that

26:26

turns to a bill. Ryan, I

26:28

don't know, I just feel, we

26:30

don't need another Ryan. I like

26:32

Jake. Jake's cute. Jake's solid, but

26:34

you know what? Jake and Max

26:37

had a sort of renaissance a

26:39

few years ago, and I got

26:41

kind of fucked out a little.

26:43

Jake, Jacob is the most popular,

26:45

boys. Oh yeah. Jake's great. Nicknamed

26:47

Drew. Who doesn't love that? Drew

26:49

isn't Andrew, isn't it? Yeah, Drew's

26:51

an Andrew, I think. I've never

26:53

really done that math. And by

26:55

the way, you should only get

26:57

one because Andrew has Andy, right?

26:59

Andrew? Yeah. You've taken your name

27:01

and whacked into that many pieces?

27:03

Adam's got nothing. I know. You've

27:05

got two names coming and going,

27:07

yeah, with Andrew. Secondly, okay, so

27:09

I've gotten a lot of traffic

27:11

lately on my site, not only

27:13

from your listeners, thank you, but

27:15

from, I ended up on a

27:17

fetish website. Oh really? Breast expansion

27:19

dot net? But I'll take it,

27:21

like a link is a link.

27:23

Sure. But it's very bizarre. What's

27:25

that website again? Breast expansion. I

27:27

don't know, I was like Teresa.

27:29

I guess there are people who

27:32

are very fascinated with women whose

27:34

breasts grow. Yes. Which pregnancy will

27:36

cause? In my case, perhaps more

27:38

than others. Yeah. And perhaps an

27:40

outlier. In that regard, because I'm

27:42

up a couple cup sizes. to

27:44

buy new bras. Yeah, in fact

27:46

I bought I bought a C

27:48

cup and then I was just

27:50

sitting there I promise I'll get

27:52

some news I was just sitting

27:54

there having coffee was having coffee

27:56

with a friend at an outdoor

27:58

cafe and I was just sitting

28:00

stock still and then maybe I

28:02

exhaled and maybe I I pitched

28:04

like four degrees forward, my front

28:06

class broad just popped open, just

28:08

burst open. Wow. Hold on, slow

28:10

down. Yeah, in public, but I

28:12

mean I'm used to being in

28:14

an A cup, I didn't even

28:16

wear a bra, I didn't have

28:18

to wear a bra. And now

28:20

I've got to like, I've got

28:22

to get my tits back in,

28:24

you know what I mean, because

28:27

I'm out in public and I

28:29

don't, you know, and I already

28:31

got to wrangle them. And anyway,

28:33

I wrote about the experience of

28:35

like the experience of like the

28:37

experience of like just all of

28:39

like, having Booves and somebody linked

28:41

to it on this fetish site

28:43

and now I'm getting a lot

28:45

of traffic. That'd be cool if

28:47

there was some sort of condition

28:49

that you could go through as

28:51

a dude for nine months where

28:53

your cock grew. I was thinking,

28:55

yeah. I put on your underwear.

28:57

I put on four inches of

28:59

length and two and a half

29:01

inches of girth. Yeah, so we're

29:03

going to go away. I had

29:05

to switch from the midways to

29:07

briefs, I had to step up

29:09

a size. How's the launch of

29:11

the friend. I started laughing and

29:13

my cock shot out of my

29:15

fly. Tore my underwear wet. And

29:17

the thing is, you know, the

29:19

eat your cock gets a little

29:22

swollen. It's a little chafed against

29:24

your pants. But I think more

29:26

analogous would be just suddenly having

29:28

giant balls. Because you think, oh,

29:30

big balls. Metaphorically, everyone wants big

29:32

balls. But you don't. Really? No,

29:34

but here's the thing. Women don't

29:36

lust after big balls. Otherwise, I

29:38

would hang them out of my

29:40

short. There's another fetish. You know,

29:42

women going, man, that guy's got,

29:44

you know, he's ugly and he's

29:46

dumb and he's on disability, but

29:48

he's on disability. But he has

29:50

to mammoth scrotum sack. And I'm

29:52

so enamored with him. Oh, I

29:54

just want to go myself. bury

29:56

myself in his huge balls. No,

29:58

I've never even heard a woman

30:00

bring up balls. I imagine we

30:02

tell you mutually. I think they're

30:04

very adorable. I don't mind balls.

30:06

I know, but I mean, but

30:08

it's, it's, it's, you, it's never

30:10

gonna, you're not gonna close a

30:12

deal. It's like, here's the thing,

30:14

I've said this about balls many

30:17

times. This sounds great. No, I,

30:19

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:21

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:23

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:25

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:27

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:29

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:31

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:33

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:35

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:37

I, I, I, I, I, I,

30:39

I, I, I George Wentz balls.

30:41

and you could take uh... John

30:43

Goodman John Goodman's balls and and

30:45

and i i i i walk

30:47

yeah eli walk whether when the

30:49

least attractive let's just go with

30:51

the whole class cheers the you

30:53

know i walk with least attractive

30:55

men on the planet but notice

30:57

the guy who had the deformed

30:59

skull who was on the hills

31:01

have eyes That actor, I mean

31:03

you could take the guy from

31:05

the hills have eyes and you

31:07

could take his balls and hang

31:09

them through the plywood and put

31:12

them right next to Brad Pitt's

31:14

balls and George Clooney's balls and

31:16

you wouldn't know whose balls were

31:18

attached to who. Now that's rare.

31:20

You wouldn't do that with lips

31:22

or teeth or eyes or nose

31:24

on a beautiful woman versus an

31:26

unattractive woman, you know? There are

31:28

extremes. I mean Wilford Brimley's balls

31:30

might have a few grays. Yeah,

31:32

you could, oh, I could pick

31:34

his balls out of a lineup

31:36

in a fucking heartbeat. Can and

31:38

half. Yes, done and done again.

31:40

But I'm just saying women, you

31:42

know, they're not attracted to balls.

31:44

It's nice that you don't mind

31:46

them, but you're not attracted to

31:48

them. No, yeah. we don't really

31:50

care. They're incidental, unless there's something

31:52

really egregious. Right. Like guys, guys

31:54

have weird fetishes with feet, or

31:56

hands, or whatever, like, you know,

31:58

like, the woman's got really sexy

32:00

wrists, and you're like, oh, all

32:02

right, I don't see it, but

32:04

you do. I don't think there's

32:07

a single one out there who

32:09

would ever even consider, like, oh,

32:11

I'll bet he's a great ball.

32:13

No. Never heard that. Now, and

32:15

don't even need to see them.

32:17

Don't want to touch them. Like,

32:19

don't have anything to do with

32:21

them. So it's really, it's sad

32:23

that they're as big as they

32:25

are and placed where they are.

32:27

You know, they should be in

32:29

the smaller back. And they should

32:31

be smaller because they don't really

32:33

serve any function, you know. I

32:35

mean, the breasts, you know, they

32:37

serve something, you know, there's, there's.

32:39

Oh, balls! That's where you cook

32:41

up the baby. No, I know

32:43

they do. I literally don't already

32:45

function. They do. They do do

32:47

something. I'm just saying they're basically

32:49

in the way and they're not

32:51

attractive. The breast have a function,

32:53

but it also tracks men and

32:55

feeds babies. Oh, sure. It convinces

32:57

men that are looking at you

32:59

that you're fertile. Right. And thus

33:02

they'll want to talk to you.

33:04

Right. All right. Do you have

33:06

a news? I do. Okay. Now

33:08

if any of any of any

33:10

of these stories seem boring. Feel

33:12

free to tell me. Do not

33:14

be shy. Okay, let's start with

33:16

this story. Speaking of Dr. Drew.

33:18

Now this story is a couple

33:20

days old, but I had to

33:22

run it by you. Mary Kerry,

33:24

this from Avian, Mary Kerry has

33:26

returned to porn after a three-year

33:28

hiatus exploiting her exposure on VH1

33:30

celebrity rehab and sober house in

33:32

her new movie, which is called...

33:34

celebrity porn hab with Dr. Screw.

33:36

I think Jimmy sent me an

33:38

email that says you know you've

33:40

arrived. Porn hab, which is sort

33:42

of kind of true. Mary Kerry,

33:44

the last season I saw her

33:46

on that show, had put on

33:48

a couple extra pounds. And the

33:50

thing about porn stars is they're

33:52

not really known for their discipline.

33:54

You know, they're not like fighters.

33:57

They're going to go to camp

33:59

and do altitude. and shed

34:01

those pounds. And I now, and

34:03

she's got big jugs. So I

34:05

look forward to this, which always

34:07

bumps me, but it's always one

34:09

of those tells. Like, you know,

34:11

the kind of, we've talked about

34:14

before, like the guy with the

34:16

sweaty palm before he shakes your

34:18

hand wipe on the thigh before

34:20

he gets to. The chick with

34:22

the big jugs who also has

34:24

the gut will wear the boostier

34:26

that's pulled down but conveniently placed

34:29

around the gut. So whenever you

34:31

see the chicks who have the

34:33

guts in the porn, they're always

34:35

the ones that have that weird,

34:37

sort of, corset, sort of, yeah,

34:39

it's the corset, boostier thing that

34:41

gets pulled down to expose the

34:43

boobs, which is good, and then

34:46

underneath it it's fine, but it's

34:48

just that couple of rolls in

34:50

the center. Expect her to be

34:52

dawning one of those, that's all

34:54

I'm saying. And it's sort of

34:56

sad, isn't it not? It is,

34:58

she in this particular porn. Oh

35:00

God, I can't wait. Oh, well

35:03

Drew play himself. Interesting, you should

35:05

ask that, Dr. Screw. I mean

35:07

Dr. Screw. I played the version

35:09

of himself called Dr. Screw. Mary

35:11

Kerry will not be playing a

35:13

patient. She's going to play Nurse

35:15

Kerry, sort of like Drew's real

35:17

life assistant Shelly. Mm-hmm. Dr. Screw.

35:20

I don't know if you know

35:22

this actor will be played by

35:24

Mike Horner. Yes. She's also going

35:26

to be doing Mary Kerry, going

35:28

to be doing a girl-girl scene

35:30

with Lexi Tyler, who plays Tanya

35:32

Clayton. Also,

35:36

Mary Kerry says about doing porn. She

35:38

talks about how Dr. Drew said she

35:40

should really get away from porn if

35:42

she wanted to stay clean. And she

35:45

says, when you're in that situation, it's

35:47

easy to get into that anti-porn state

35:49

of mind. But eventually, you have to

35:52

go back to the real world and

35:54

make a living. She says, I love

35:56

Dr. Drew and I think he's a

35:59

great guy. I think it's hypocritical of

36:01

him. He has adult film stars on

36:03

Love Line all the time. He does

36:06

a radio show about sex. Mmm. All

36:08

right. And she says, porn didn't make

36:10

me drink or use drugs. I always

36:13

like to drink since I was in

36:15

college. I don't think there's any correlation

36:17

between that and addiction to drugs and

36:20

alcohol. Now you may be wondering, what

36:22

does Dr. Screw? you're when you're when

36:24

you know like when your self-esteem starts

36:26

to erode and then you just start

36:29

to go oh fuck it like it's

36:31

that sort of like I already had

36:33

four cookies like I'm on my diet

36:36

I always think of it in terms

36:38

of diet like you go I'm on

36:40

a diet like you go I'm on

36:43

a diet I'm on a diet I'm

36:45

not gonna eat any of those donuts

36:47

and then you go all right you

36:50

know what I'm gonna have half of

36:52

a donut and you just eat the

36:54

donuts I do think porn does this

36:57

with the drugs and the alcohol and

36:59

that kind of stuff, which is when

37:01

you have trouble looking yourself in the

37:04

mirror, especially because you have pink eye,

37:06

you tend to, it makes it a

37:08

lot easier to drown that out with

37:10

booze and drugs, but it's also this

37:13

sort of like I

37:15

don't know exactly how to explain

37:17

this, but if you're a smoker

37:20

and you don't want to smoke,

37:22

start working out a lot. Because

37:24

when you're working, A, you don't

37:27

want to smoke a cigarette before

37:29

you work out, because it's like,

37:31

I'm going to go, I'm going

37:34

to play hoop. And then you

37:36

don't feel like smoking a cigarette

37:38

after you work out, because you're

37:41

sweaty and you just worked out.

37:43

Yeah, her self-esteem is already way

37:45

off its diet, so it might

37:48

as well do a point and

37:50

take his annex and drink. Right.

37:52

Well, Dr. Drew sent out a

37:55

Twitter saying, for those of you

37:57

wondering about my feelings about Mary

37:59

Ellen Cook's choice to mock. Race

38:02

Ipsolocutor makes me very sad. Now

38:04

that is of course a legal

38:06

term meaning the thing speaks for

38:09

itself. Race Ipso Locator. It's used

38:11

in tort law like if a

38:13

barrel falls on my head, were

38:16

you negligent in putting the barrel

38:18

up there? Well it fell on

38:20

my head so it speaks for

38:23

itself. So Drew twitterred Latin. Yeah

38:25

he twitterred Latin tort law. This

38:27

is a fairly rare thing. I

38:30

get a lot of Latin tweets.

38:32

Him and Kucher both do on

38:34

all their twittering in Latin. I'm

38:37

so facto Drew. Exactly. I was

38:39

an ad hominem attack on Ashton

38:41

Kucher. I and yes, often confused.

38:44

Okay, so here's another story from

38:46

the spokesman review. The Guinness Book

38:48

of World's Records is being sued

38:50

by most litigious man in the

38:53

world for naming him the most

38:55

litigious man in the world. The

38:57

lawsuit, Zeus, also known as Johnny

39:00

tsunami. Filed a lawsuit this week

39:02

in federal court seeking an injunction

39:04

to stop the Guinness Book of

39:07

World Records from naming him as

39:09

the person who has filed the

39:11

most lawsuits in the history of

39:14

mankind. This guy Jonathan Lee Richards,

39:16

aka Irving Picard, filed his latest

39:18

legal fight this week in the

39:21

Richland Office of the U.S. District

39:23

Court for the Eastern District of

39:25

Washington. Although, he is currently incarcerated

39:28

in Lexington, Kentucky. Good. I believe

39:30

he is up to some wire

39:32

fraud. Johnny Lee Richards better remember

39:35

as a member of the stray

39:37

cats or as a bond villain?

39:39

Yeah. Or the captain of the

39:42

enterprise. Right, but hard. You know,

39:44

I was just saying to somebody,

39:46

all these people that have like

39:49

the multiple... Like the multiple suits

39:51

that file the multiple suits. I

39:53

don't care if their 15th one

39:56

is legitimate or not. I don't

39:58

care if they're burned over 90%

40:00

of their body. I still want

40:03

it thrown. out based on the

40:05

suits they filed before that. I

40:07

really I really hate these guys

40:10

in our society clogging up the

40:12

system and they're responsible for all

40:14

the rules we have and all

40:17

the fucking safety this and child

40:19

proof that it's all it's all

40:21

these guys and I'm glad he's

40:24

in prison and fucking. You did

40:26

a little wire fraud that's why

40:28

he's behind bars but he still

40:31

sues people from in the joint.

40:33

Sure. He's angry that Guinness is

40:35

calling him, among other things, superman

40:38

and the Patrick Ewing of Sewing.

40:40

Here are some of the people.

40:42

He's... Wow. That's a horrible reference.

40:45

He takes an extra step on

40:47

the way of the corners. Exactly.

40:49

Patrick Ewing... Patrick Ewing should be

40:52

suing them for evoking his name

40:54

this way. Ewing of suing? Jay

40:56

are youing of suing? I could

40:59

go with? It was all a

41:01

dream. Well, here are some of

41:03

the people he sued. New England

41:06

Patriots coach Bill Bellicheck, former president

41:08

George W. Bush, Somali pirates, Brittany

41:10

Spears, Martha Stewart. He's also filed

41:13

lawsuits against Plato. Must be his

41:15

estate. No, stridamus. Maybe Plato. Play-to.

41:17

Play-to. Play-to. Listen, I've been

41:19

sued, I've been sued, you know,

41:22

I'm one tenth ownership in a

41:24

restaurant and they didn't pay for

41:26

the dry cleaning of the tableclaws

41:28

or something and the company that

41:30

dry cleaned the tableclaws sued the

41:32

restaurant, I got served with a

41:34

bunch of papers. It's just completely

41:36

out of hand. Well either way,

41:38

the guy's in jail, right? He's

41:40

in jail and he's also sued

41:42

Black History Month. The president of

41:44

Iran and Butter Substitute, I can't

41:46

believe it's not butter. He has

41:48

a case. Against you. Somebody. Oh

41:50

yeah. One of these. Yeah, he's

41:52

got a case somewhere. You know,

41:54

I can't believe. not butter there

41:56

used to be there used to

41:58

be something called chiffon I think

42:00

if you think it's butter and

42:02

it's not and when I was

42:04

a kid I used to see

42:06

commercials where they'd be they'd be

42:08

in a supermarket and they do

42:10

like the blind taste thing which

42:12

by the way I always enjoy

42:14

and wish they'd bring back any

42:16

commercial where they were at a

42:18

supermarket and they're like we've taken

42:20

and they would do butter versus

42:23

like parquet or whatever it is

42:25

and more people chose parquet as

42:27

butter over butter and I'd always

42:29

even as a nine-year-old I was

42:31

like look you can you can

42:33

it can win a taste test

42:35

against other margarins but it can't

42:37

taste more like the thing it's

42:39

trying to be than the thing

42:41

is yeah I mean it is

42:43

weird that they more people pick

42:45

the fake butter over butter I

42:47

could never never believe that well

42:49

anyway I would su parquet Okay,

42:51

can you believe this John and

42:53

Kate plus eight thing? No. I

42:55

mean, yeah, I mean, what the

42:57

fuck? I mean, what's going on

42:59

with that show? Well, it had

43:01

its premiere, which apparently got some

43:03

huge number, doubling the season finale,

43:05

which was just, you know, a

43:07

month or so ago. Was it

43:09

even news before he got in

43:11

trouble for cheating? No, I mean

43:13

people like the show, I think

43:15

it did well on TLC. She

43:17

maybe had a speaking tour and

43:19

a book. It's all over entertainment

43:21

tonight. It's everywhere. It's the whole

43:24

search story online. What the fuck?

43:26

They have eight kids. He got,

43:28

well, gave a hooker a ride

43:30

home in a Z car. Like,

43:32

what's the, what's the big deal?

43:34

Oh, he's allegedly cheating on our

43:36

people. I think they're fascinated because,

43:38

first of all, he's one of

43:40

these, he's always talking about God

43:42

people. Oh, he is. He just

43:44

got sued by generally richest. Got

43:46

sued by God. Quit dropping my

43:48

name. That's right. If you're going

43:50

to go cheap. Oh, so he's

43:52

one of these God guys. He's

43:54

one of these God guys. Goslin

43:56

obviously had some fertility treatment. She

43:58

had twins and then she had

44:00

the sex couplets and You know

44:02

when they tell you you're gonna

44:04

have either six of these embryos

44:06

took Many people would decide to

44:08

selectively reduce some of those for

44:10

the safety of the babies She

44:12

was probably of the mind that

44:14

God gave me these children, but

44:16

also God made her infernal to

44:18

begin with. It's very confusing. Where

44:20

do you draw the the science

44:23

line? You know like I'm willing

44:25

to forgo God this much or

44:27

not this much? Oh listen, it's

44:29

completely self-serving with the religious idiots

44:31

because, you know, stem cell research

44:33

is playing God, but you getting

44:35

a vein pulled out of your

44:37

leg and replanted in your heart

44:39

and a new valve, electronic valve

44:41

from a pig or something. Put

44:43

in your heart, that's all fine.

44:45

Because that's you and has to

44:47

do with you and your shit

44:49

and your living and everything else

44:51

has to do with someone else

44:53

in Parkinson's and they don't give

44:55

a fuck. So it's totally convenient.

44:57

And by the way, just, you

44:59

know, when it comes to medicine,

45:01

I mean, the first time somebody

45:03

got a blood transfusion, somebody said,

45:05

you're taking the soul of the

45:07

other person and putting it in

45:09

you, right? I mean, and the

45:11

kids are cute and God bless

45:13

them, but Kate Goslin on her

45:15

website, which I looked at because

45:17

I was writing about them, she's

45:19

posted all her husband's favorite Bible

45:21

verses, and they sort of presented

45:24

this kind of lifestyle, and I

45:26

guess that's why it's interesting to

45:28

people, because, well, like all reality

45:30

shows, you take somebody who is

45:32

likely to have some sort of

45:34

personality disorder, and then you put

45:36

them in a bubble and you

45:38

judge them. But I gotta say,

45:40

just twins, like just when I'm

45:42

trying to look after the twins

45:44

on a day, the nannies not

45:46

around, and they're running five different

45:48

directions, and they're not listening to

45:50

anything you say, and they're defiant.

45:52

no and they just want to

45:54

do whatever it is you don't

45:56

want them to do that's what

45:58

they want to do and if

46:00

you say come this way they

46:02

want to go the other way

46:04

and blah blah blah I couldn't

46:06

imagine having eight of those kids

46:08

running around simultaneously yeah and I

46:10

mean she you know I guess

46:12

she does a good job you

46:14

never know how much help they

46:16

have or what happens behind the

46:18

scenes but I find it interesting

46:20

that TLC's programming is just fertility

46:22

porn. Like it's just people with

46:25

massive amounts of kids. And it

46:27

is completely fascinating. Like you combine

46:29

somebody who, and speaking of Dr.

46:31

Drew, you know, in his book...

46:33

Dr. Screw? Dr. Screw? He talks

46:35

about... You know, giving that narcissism

46:37

test to people and the celebrities

46:39

who scored the highest were reality

46:41

stars. Yes. Because they were people

46:43

who thought that they should be

46:45

on TV, their lives should be

46:47

televised, their lives were important. So

46:49

you take some of these already

46:51

wildly narcissistic and then you put

46:53

them in this kind of environment

46:55

and let the nuttiness. Well, I

46:57

mean, that's where it really... that's

46:59

if you're yo-yo Ma and you

47:01

can play the fiddle like none

47:03

other then you do deserve to

47:05

be in front of an audience

47:07

as a matter of fact you're

47:09

sort of robbing society if you

47:11

don't share your gift with society

47:13

versus one of these reality stars

47:15

who has nothing to offer and

47:17

is somewhat delusional so in a

47:19

way Being, you

47:22

know, virtuoso, whatever, whether it's an

47:24

instrument, you know, I mean, if

47:26

you're Whitney Houston and you're not

47:28

singing, there's something wrong with you.

47:30

You should be singing. I mean,

47:32

it's almost like a guy who's

47:34

a very skilled craftsman who refuses

47:36

to build cabinets or something. I

47:38

mean, that's not narcissistic. That's just

47:41

a gift that you have that

47:43

you sort of share with the

47:45

world. These, yes, these are people

47:47

that have nothing to offer but

47:49

yet insist. on being in front

47:51

of guys that could go on

47:53

and do great things but like

47:55

you know what I had enough

47:57

I'm washing my hands of the

47:59

affair right it's a weird thing

48:02

you kind of wonder what the

48:04

motivation is there yeah and I

48:06

mean but these guys who have

48:08

this gift and I guess they

48:10

could be narciss but just because

48:12

you're good at something and you

48:14

share it with the world doesn't

48:16

make you a narcissist having nothing

48:18

to offer and sharing it with

48:20

the world does make you a

48:22

narcissist One thing that I thought

48:25

was interesting about Dr. Drew's take

48:27

is that I think if you

48:29

don't really know much about it

48:31

and I don't, you just think

48:33

narcissistic people love themselves, but he

48:35

makes the opposite point, which is

48:37

that narcissism comes from self-loathing. So

48:39

we should really have compassion for

48:41

Kate. And because she's not so

48:43

much that she's loving herself, it's

48:46

just that she's hating herself. and

48:48

I can relate to that. And

48:50

you know, you do celebrities of

48:52

all, like from music and movies

48:54

and reality shows and stuff too,

48:56

like he studied those people, right?

48:58

Yeah, he studied them and he

49:00

categorized their scores and the reality

49:02

stars are way more narcissistic than

49:04

say musicians or other. But all

49:06

that being said from a guy

49:09

who took the test and doesn't

49:11

remember much about it but evidently

49:13

scored off the charts, it's a

49:15

bogus piece of shit. I

49:17

thought your quote on the jacket cover, it's

49:19

a bogus piece of shit, was inappropriate. I

49:21

took the test and the test would say

49:24

things like, when you enter a party, do

49:26

you think everyone, all eyes are upon you,

49:28

or do you think everyone in the room

49:30

owes you? And I'd be like, I don't

49:32

think either one, and they'd be like, we

49:35

gotta choose one. Hmm. And I'd be like,

49:37

so either, and I'm just making this up,

49:39

but it was a bunch of those. So

49:41

do I think everyone in the room is

49:43

thinking about me or everyone in the room

49:46

owes me something? And he'd be like, yeah,

49:48

you gotta pick one. And so you just

49:50

pick one. And I don't know how they

49:52

end up with whatever they end up with,

49:54

but I. scored. Actually, I don't

49:57

remember what I scored.

49:59

It's just, I heard

50:01

them making fun of

50:03

me on fun of me on

50:05

Howard Stern. Well, Probably enough I

50:07

think the highest scoring person

50:10

person to whom he administered the

50:12

test is test is Robin Quivers. But she

50:14

refers herself to the third herself in the

50:16

third person we are not like, we are

50:18

not amused and stuff like that. have any

50:20

of don't have any of that. have a

50:23

I mean, I may have a personality disorder,

50:25

but it's not narcissism. you

50:27

you insist that? Could you do it

50:29

in the third person? the third We

50:31

do not have. a narcissistic disorder you in

50:33

and your giant sack? Well,

50:36

Kate Goslin's sister -in -law is urging urging viewers watch

50:38

to watch plus eight. She was blogging She was

50:40

blogging over the weekend TLC is airing the old

50:42

airing the old episodes, I thought

50:44

I should shed some light on how

50:46

the show works. We've discussed this

50:48

before, buried but it's buried somewhere in

50:51

the post. When When the show first started,

50:53

Kate made a wish list of

50:55

things she wanted, and that became the

50:57

theme of each episode, the carpet, the

50:59

room, bunk beds, room, cow, hair plugs,

51:01

teeth whitening, etc, etc. you see them

51:03

do do or buy is completely paid for out

51:05

of the budget for the for the show or traded

51:07

for free advertising. She She goes on to

51:09

say, believe believe everything you see, the children

51:11

are also being prompted to say or

51:13

do certain things. things. They sign their lives to

51:15

TLC and they they will continue to spin

51:17

the show to keep the viewer's interest. I

51:19

don't believe this show will go away

51:21

until the the decide that they don't want

51:23

to be played be played anymore. Well, as

51:25

we said, it's it's one thing

51:27

to do a reality show.

51:29

It's another thing to start

51:32

turning a reality show into

51:34

a drama. creative editing. editing,

51:36

worked on Big worked on

51:38

Big Brother a does a lot of editing. I

51:40

I've brought this up before. It always

51:42

drives me nuts where they go. nuts where

51:44

they go before they go to break,

51:46

somebody goes. goes. look

51:49

I've got I've got some news for you. And

51:51

then they cut to the dad's face with

51:53

a very stern look and a long pause

51:55

then then they go to commercial break. And

51:57

then when they come back, they go, they go look

51:59

I've got some news for you. Your hair

52:01

looks awesome and then goes thanks son

52:04

and you go wait a minute what

52:06

did you just create there oh you

52:08

just took you took a music sting

52:10

but uh you took a weird moment

52:13

watch those shows. Weird moment from about

52:15

like three hours earlier Yeah, you took

52:17

a weird moment where they just showed

52:20

the person's face. Like they'll do it

52:22

on all those desperate housewife shows and

52:24

stuff where they'll go like, I want

52:26

you to come with me this weekend

52:29

to the Hamptons. And then they'll just

52:31

show a picture of Teresa's face staring

52:33

for three Mississippi. And you go, what?

52:35

She doesn't want to go to the

52:38

Hamptons? Or she's angry about going to

52:40

the Hamans. And then they go, I

52:42

want you to come to the Hamptons.

52:45

Okay, when are we leaving? Well you

52:47

can't take shit from another episode or

52:49

earlier that day and just isolate on

52:51

it with a music thing? That's not

52:54

reality TV. You're now cooking it. You're

52:56

now making... You're now making... You manufactured

52:58

a cliffhanger or drama or whatever. Totally

53:00

manufactured. Completely. All right. The real drama

53:03

today. I still like that Desperate House.

53:05

Are that Real Housewives. The Real Housewives.

53:07

Yeah, that's a show. I know even

53:09

though you know it's Frankenstein and Cooked

53:12

it's still kind of compelling. Yeah. Now

53:14

Donnie is an editor. Do you allow

53:16

yourself a cricket sounds and be the

53:19

record scratch? I personally do I get

53:21

yelled at about it about it sometimes

53:23

but I I love the record scratch

53:25

in the oh it's so fucked down

53:28

the cricket sounds I don't do the

53:30

record I love the record scratch you

53:32

still do it I've been doing the

53:34

record out I've been doing a record

53:37

scratch probably for about 15 years Okay,

53:39

well this is the biggest story of

53:41

the day and if you are thinking

53:44

about going into news, what you don't

53:46

do is put the big story at

53:48

the back? Oh yeah, that's right. But,

53:50

um, Sonia Sotomayor, you may have heard

53:53

of her, is President Obama's Supreme Court

53:55

nominee. Yeah, she is. Yeah, President Obama

53:57

nominated her for a long time, got

53:59

all her trading cards. She was nominated.

54:02

a federal judge. She was nominated for

54:04

the Supreme Court, positioning her to become

54:06

the first Latino and only the third

54:08

woman on the nation's highest court. She

54:11

became a judge on the federal circuit

54:13

court back in 91. She was elevated

54:15

to the second circuit court of appeals

54:18

in Manhattan by Clinton in 1998, and

54:20

Obama said at a news conference today

54:22

that he was looking for somebody with

54:24

a few qualifications. He wanted someone with

54:27

a common touch. with empathy and he

54:29

also wanted rigorous intellect, a mastery of

54:31

the law, an ability to hone in

54:33

on key issues and somebody who's experience

54:36

can give a person a common touch

54:38

and a sense of compassion. Oh and

54:40

she's got to be Mexican because we'll

54:42

be up past the 50% mark by

54:45

the time the next election comes around

54:47

and that's going to look good on

54:49

my resume. Whatever. Quarterweight. Good enough. She's

54:52

54 raised in the Bronx. Her parents

54:54

moved to New York City from Puerto

54:56

Rico during World War II. She was

54:58

raised by her mother in a housing

55:01

project. I believe her father died when

55:03

she was very young. And that came,

55:05

her father's death came after she was

55:07

diagnosed with diabetes. Wow. Yeah, she graduated

55:10

from Princeton University in Yale University's law

55:12

school. She was an editor of the

55:14

Yale Law Journal and she said, today

55:17

I stand on the shoulders of countless

55:19

people. Scrapy. Yeah. Well be prepared for

55:21

change. Change is coming? No, it's just

55:23

every time they talk about a Supreme

55:26

Court appointee there's always some change some

55:28

one side or the others worried about

55:30

change and then I never it never

55:32

seems to affect itself. Rovey Way out

55:35

the window like it's always something is

55:37

coming but it never There's always a

55:39

lot of discussion on like talk radio

55:41

like if she gets appointed and then

55:44

they vote on and then another one

55:46

of her gets appointed then we're gonna

55:48

have a lot of next thing you

55:51

know jackwooded thugs are coming to your

55:53

house confiscate your forks and spoons and

55:55

they're not gonna let you have guns

55:57

or rovee ways gonna get in and

56:00

it never never I don't know what

56:02

they were it never seems to, I'm

56:04

done checking that score. Well, some people

56:06

are pissed off that she's a liberal

56:09

judicial activist of the first order. Yeah.

56:11

And it's not, it looks like she's

56:13

going to be confirmed. And the president

56:16

wants to see her get confirmed before

56:18

the Senate's August recess so that they

56:20

can be ready for the start of

56:22

the high court's fall term in October.

56:25

She will, of course, be replacing Justice

56:27

Souter. Oh, she will? Yeah. Where's suit

56:29

are going? You're retired. Yeah. She's like

56:31

going home. Hey, I don't, I don't

56:34

keep trying. I hope Ruthie holds on.

56:36

Ruth paid against, right? Yeah, she's still

56:38

on the bench. She, you know, she,

56:40

I believe she had a, some pancreatic,

56:43

a little touch of pancreatic cancer. Yeah.

56:45

Little dusting. Yeah. But I love her.

56:47

I wonder what Supreme Court justice get

56:50

paid. I think for some reason they

56:52

get too and change. That's what I

56:54

was thinking. But I don't know. But

56:56

really, all that stuff is all about

56:59

what you get, you know, writing your

57:01

books, your memoirs. It's all, I mean,

57:03

what people don't understand is the underground,

57:05

and not so much underground, but the

57:08

circuit. What they don't understand whether it's

57:10

John Stewart or Jay Leno. And I

57:12

mean, Jay Leno. Jay

57:14

Leno told me he has not cashed

57:17

one tonight's show check in 18 years.

57:19

He just lives from his corporate job.

57:21

Yeah. I mean it is all he

57:23

should cash him all at once like

57:26

this Thursday and bankrupt the company. Yeah.

57:28

There be a run on NBC. I

57:30

mean seriously. I like to deposit these

57:32

checks. And the checks are not you

57:35

know 10 grand a week. The checks

57:37

are probably more into the hundreds of

57:39

thousands of dollars a week. Never. never

57:41

used a penny of it. It's all

57:44

road money. And like when John Stewart

57:46

goes out and does these things, hits

57:48

these colleges, does this corporate stuff, it's

57:50

200 to 250 a pop. the idea

57:53

that you're getting you're drawing your salary

57:55

from doing the daily show or doing

57:57

the Tonight show or doing or being

57:59

on the Supreme Court or whatever you're

58:02

drawing a nice salary But it's really

58:04

just setting you up for these huge

58:06

paydays And I don't know if these

58:09

people go out and hit the road

58:11

every weekend and have Jim Norton open

58:13

up for him, but I'm just saying

58:15

whether you're the president or whether you're

58:18

a Supreme Court or whether you're John

58:20

Stewart, the real money, especially for these

58:22

guys, is when they hit the roof.

58:24

Commencement address, for example. Sure, you got

58:27

a pretty penny for that. Yeah. And

58:29

it's insane what colleges have, and then

58:31

it kind of pisses you off. Like,

58:33

wait a minute. We're always talking about

58:36

how high tuition is and how it's

58:38

how expensive it is and student loans,

58:40

blah blah blah. You have 200 grand

58:42

to give to John Stewart, plus you're

58:45

going to pay for his net jets

58:47

to fly them out there and put

58:49

them up at whatever. You know what

58:51

I'm saying? Like, you don't, you're, you're,

58:54

first off. Last time I checked you

58:56

didn't need weekend entertainment for the Students

58:58

like it's not part of the curriculum

59:01

I mean you could get you could

59:03

run a college without John Stewart coming

59:05

by on a Saturday night and doing

59:07

a 65-minute set could you not? Listen

59:10

God bless him, but I'm just saying

59:12

How does that work as a college?

59:14

And then where do colleges get all

59:16

this money? And then if they do

59:19

have all this money, you shouldn't be

59:21

crying poor all the time. Yeah, if

59:23

you're a certain percentage of your tuition,

59:25

let's say your tuition is $20,000 a

59:28

year, a certain percentage of it goes

59:30

to like student programming, just comes out

59:32

of the tuition and they collect that

59:34

from all the students and then they

59:37

have however much money, a million dollars

59:39

or whatever, or whatever, to spend on

59:41

bands or whoever to whoever to come

59:43

by through the year. Right, and maybe

59:46

people would prefer it if their tuition

59:48

was $19.5 and they didn't see blues

59:50

traveler. Right, exactly. Or have, not that

59:53

these aren't all fine entertainers, I'm just

59:55

saying, how about you do this? How

59:57

about, you don't take it out of

59:59

the... and you just say

1:00:01

look John Stewart's coming to town if

1:00:04

you want to pay 25 bucks for

1:00:06

a ticket go go see him but

1:00:08

if you're a student if you're a

1:00:11

school it looked better in your brochure

1:00:13

to say first of all those are

1:00:15

the difference between saying we charge $19.5

1:00:17

and $20,000 for example and by the

1:00:20

way every student gets to see John

1:00:22

Stewart for free or you know what

1:00:24

I mean like every last year we

1:00:26

had blues travel come around everyone got

1:00:29

a free concertand Just a half a

1:00:31

one. Always remember. In college you saw

1:00:33

Queen Latifah. Yeah! Wow. Yeah, I saw

1:00:36

Queen Latifah and I really just remember,

1:00:38

I mean just feeling sleepy and good

1:00:40

and maybe for the first time like

1:00:42

things were okay with the world. Do

1:00:45

we have time for one more story?

1:00:47

Yeah, one more story. Okay do you

1:00:49

guys want to hear about why it

1:00:52

was a bad day for the gaze?

1:00:54

Well, California's highest court upheld a voter-approved

1:00:56

ban on same-sex marriages today. You might

1:00:58

have heard about this, this story from

1:01:01

CNN. But they did allow about 18,000

1:01:03

unions performed before the ban to remain

1:01:05

valid. So if you were one of

1:01:07

those 18,000 couples, they got married when

1:01:10

gay marriage was legal in California, the

1:01:12

state will not make you get a

1:01:14

divorce. How did it go to the

1:01:17

court who challenged it? I mean, it

1:01:19

was, they were trying to validate the

1:01:21

vote? It is so complicated. It is

1:01:23

complicated. And then how does it work

1:01:26

that you get grandfathered in on something

1:01:28

that they didn't, that's Molly Girl by

1:01:30

the way, that they didn't validate. I

1:01:32

mean, I... It's completely

1:01:34

confused. So the court, so

1:01:37

the California State Supreme Court

1:01:39

is largely Republican, although they

1:01:41

said it's unconstitutional for marriage

1:01:43

to specifically be between a

1:01:45

man and a woman. Then

1:01:47

in November there was a

1:01:49

ballot initiative called Prop 8

1:01:51

and that passed. Yeah, passed

1:01:53

effectively banning gay marriage. Right.

1:01:55

Now then this went to

1:01:57

court again. I think the

1:01:59

reason it went to court,

1:02:01

and this is complicated, but

1:02:03

I think The

1:02:05

people who were against Prop 8

1:02:07

were saying that this is a

1:02:10

constitutional revision. It's not an amendment.

1:02:12

It's too big to be called

1:02:14

an amendment. Therefore, it can't be

1:02:16

voted on by the people. It

1:02:18

can't be a prop. It should

1:02:20

really go through a different system.

1:02:22

Sounds like they're aggressive and straws.

1:02:24

The real question here is do

1:02:26

I have to send George decay

1:02:28

out a punch bowl or not?

1:02:30

Yes. Yes, you still

1:02:32

owe him some salad tongs. Because

1:02:35

he got grandfathered. Tell your salad

1:02:37

tongs with the gays. Sorry. He

1:02:39

got, he got grandfathered. People. So

1:02:41

now all the gays that didn't

1:02:43

get married feel, it's weird because

1:02:45

now they must feel like, fuck,

1:02:47

we should have gotten married because

1:02:49

it would have been, couldn't have

1:02:51

taken us off the books. I

1:02:53

think that's why there was a

1:02:55

rush to get marriage license, remember

1:02:57

that? There was, you know, 18,000

1:02:59

unions is quite a bit before

1:03:01

that. So it was six to

1:03:03

one, only one guy dissented, there

1:03:05

was a lot of people chanting

1:03:07

in the courthouse in San Francisco,

1:03:09

shame on you, but I think

1:03:12

this is going to come up

1:03:14

again. Yeah, it'll be one of

1:03:16

those things that'll happen eventually. Yeah,

1:03:18

the one dissent or Justice Carlos

1:03:20

Moreno wrote, the majority's holding is

1:03:22

not just a defeat for same-sex

1:03:24

couples, but for any minority group

1:03:26

that seeks the protection of the

1:03:28

Equal Protection Clause of the California

1:03:30

Constitution. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger opposed

1:03:32

the initiative, Prop 8. He praised

1:03:34

the court for leaving the previous

1:03:36

marriages intact and urged opponents of

1:03:38

the decision to respond peacefully and

1:03:40

lawfully. In other words, don't riot.

1:03:42

Yeah. Well, gaze don't riot. I

1:03:44

mean, I mean, if they do,

1:03:46

it's like they take a little

1:03:48

graffiti off a wall, then they

1:03:51

straighten out a rug. Very proactive

1:03:53

writing. They plant, they're playing out

1:03:55

the case, gaze don't riot. don't

1:03:57

know. That's one group that just

1:03:59

doesn't write. And if they did,

1:04:01

I don't think you'd know it.

1:04:03

Listen, I'm straight, I'm white, I

1:04:05

don't care. I think that's a

1:04:07

good place to wrap it up.

1:04:09

Yeah, there you go. Teresa, your

1:04:11

due date is when. October 2nd.

1:04:13

October 2nd. Yeah, that's the day

1:04:15

that both Gandhi and gradual marks

1:04:17

were born. Brian, you are halfway

1:04:19

into your treatment. Yep. Week number

1:04:21

four out of six. So we're

1:04:23

keeping our fingers crossed for you.

1:04:25

It's going well. It's going according

1:04:28

to plan. According to plan. And

1:04:30

we will, again, you will be

1:04:32

in our thoughts and in some

1:04:34

of our prayers. Although I'm not

1:04:36

a prayer. And you'll keep us

1:04:38

updated and we'll come back. We'll

1:04:40

do this as much as we

1:04:42

can. Absolutely. We're trying to minimize

1:04:44

the tour talk, but I'll give

1:04:46

you guys an update. And if

1:04:48

you guys want to be updated,

1:04:50

check out my website, highbrine.com. And

1:04:52

my fiancé Christie is writing a

1:04:54

really, a really detailed blog. I

1:04:56

mean, if you really want to

1:04:58

know what's going on, she pours

1:05:00

your heart out, and it's amazing.

1:05:02

It's an inconvenient tour. It's an

1:05:05

inconvenient tour. Yeah, it's great. I

1:05:07

was telling Brian before that on

1:05:09

my website, I can see what

1:05:11

you've typed into Google to get

1:05:13

to my website and a lot

1:05:15

of people, a lot of the

1:05:17

search terms are an inconvenient tumor,

1:05:19

ball Brian, ball Brian's tumor, funny

1:05:21

looking tumors, an inconvenient tumor, ball

1:05:23

Brian, and then random stuff like

1:05:25

Adam Krolla's mom and funny plus

1:05:27

Vicadin. All

1:05:32

right, there's Adam Cruel Show 77.

1:05:34

Come up next we have Adam

1:05:36

Cruel Show 707 featuring Clay Aiken

1:05:38

from 2011. Adam and Clay Aiken

1:05:40

became fast friends. It's a really

1:05:42

fun episode. Hope you guys enjoy.

1:05:45

I'm excited to welcome Clay Aiken

1:05:47

to our studio. Good to see

1:05:49

a Clay. Likewise. I always wanted

1:05:51

to sit down with you and

1:05:53

I'm thinking myself on the way

1:05:55

in. I usually do all the

1:05:57

talking even though we have guests

1:05:59

on the show. surprise. I

1:06:02

am not. I really want to, I

1:06:04

really want to talk to you. I

1:06:06

want to scratch your lottery ticket. Get

1:06:09

to the bottom of Clay Aiken. Oh

1:06:11

goodness. I'm excited. So, and I find

1:06:13

that the journey is what people are

1:06:16

interested in and why I love all

1:06:18

those biography shows and everything. I love

1:06:20

to hear wherever someone comes from. It's

1:06:23

not all the rags to riches stuff.

1:06:25

Sometimes the guy's dad was rich and

1:06:27

told him he was going into the

1:06:29

oil company with him, but he said,

1:06:32

no, I must do, I must do,

1:06:34

I must do. I must I must

1:06:36

do street art or I must I

1:06:39

must dance and we know him from

1:06:41

that and it's still exciting to me.

1:06:43

So I want I'm gonna do the

1:06:46

whole clay-aken story or I'm gonna ask

1:06:48

the questions and hopefully you'll give me

1:06:50

the answers. I'll try to be interesting.

1:06:53

I know It will be because you're

1:06:55

here and I know where you started.

1:06:57

So let's go back with Clay Aiken.

1:06:59

Where does it all begin? Can you

1:07:02

always sing? Do you always know that's

1:07:04

a gift of yours? I think, well,

1:07:06

you know, when I was a kid,

1:07:09

my mom said I sang all the

1:07:11

time, but I... I think when kids

1:07:13

sing, whether they're good or not, some

1:07:16

kids are willing to do it and

1:07:18

some kids are not willing to do

1:07:20

it. And I was always willing to

1:07:22

do it and I wasn't shy about

1:07:25

it. So I don't think I realized

1:07:27

that I could, maybe when I was

1:07:29

in elementary school, I started getting the

1:07:32

solos in choir and everything. And so

1:07:34

I guess people told me I could

1:07:36

sing. It wasn't until high school when

1:07:39

I thought, wait, I can actually do

1:07:41

this. You seem to be, you seem

1:07:43

to have a lot of what the

1:07:45

Jews call Hutsba, but not Hutsba in

1:07:48

an obnoxious way, just in a, I

1:07:50

believe in myself, kind of. I put

1:07:52

on a nice air then, huh? Well,

1:07:55

whatever it is, it works, and I'd

1:07:57

love to give my kids an ounce

1:07:59

of that, because I'm really thinking in

1:08:02

life. Like, I don't care about test

1:08:04

scores and IQ points and college degrees

1:08:06

and all that kind of stuff. I

1:08:09

want my kids. have a little fire

1:08:11

in their belly and a little belief

1:08:13

in their soul. And it seems to

1:08:15

Clay Aiken has that. But let's go

1:08:18

back. So you graduate, you grow up

1:08:20

where? In Raleigh, North Carolina. And your

1:08:22

parents do what? My mom is an

1:08:25

interior decorator. My stepfather worked as a

1:08:27

correctional officer in the state prison. Wow.

1:08:29

So very strict. A lot of yin

1:08:32

and yang going on. So shit on

1:08:34

a shingle for breakfast every morning. And

1:08:36

you decide. Now what point do you

1:08:38

know you're gay? Oh God. That's a

1:08:41

few years down the road, actually. We'll

1:08:43

have to skip forward. I tell people

1:08:45

all the time that I think when

1:08:48

I was in high school, I mean,

1:08:50

I dated girls in high school. did

1:08:52

things. And it wasn't until I was,

1:08:55

while I was in high school, I

1:08:57

always thought maybe I hadn't finished puberty

1:08:59

yet. Well, first I thought, you know

1:09:01

what? I need to, I need to

1:09:04

try it before I, maybe once I

1:09:06

try it, I'll like it, and I

1:09:08

didn't like it. Maybe I didn't do

1:09:11

it right, I'll like it, and I

1:09:13

didn't like it. Maybe I didn't do

1:09:15

it right, or it didn't matter. And

1:09:18

I thought, well, well, cry when she

1:09:20

hears this, it probably wasn't until I

1:09:22

came out here for idle that I

1:09:25

really realized that that's what it was.

1:09:27

Because where I grew up, people, you

1:09:29

know, you either, if you were gay,

1:09:31

if you could hide it, you hit

1:09:34

it, and if you didn't hide it,

1:09:36

it was because you were, you know,

1:09:38

extremely flamboyant, and I am no one's

1:09:41

lumberjack, and I know that's a surprise

1:09:43

to you, but I, you know, I

1:09:45

wasn't... as flamboyant as some of the

1:09:48

folks that I knew, so I kind

1:09:50

of didn't realize that's what it was

1:09:52

until I came out here. Do you

1:09:54

think, and it's funny, because this will

1:09:57

apply to sexual proclivities and career proclivities

1:09:59

as well, is I probably would have

1:10:01

found out I had a sense of

1:10:04

humor a long time before I found

1:10:06

out I had a sense of humor

1:10:08

if I was in an environment that

1:10:11

nurtured that that said like it's okay

1:10:13

rather than I shut up and get

1:10:15

to work knock it off quit talking

1:10:17

like if somebody had said if you'd

1:10:20

grown up in San Francisco 2015 and

1:10:22

somebody said, you know, in that environment

1:10:24

where someone went like, yeah, it's cool,

1:10:27

whatever. Do you think you would have

1:10:29

discovered this in the fifth grade? Oh,

1:10:31

yeah. Well, I, hmm. I don't mean,

1:10:34

I need to lay on this couch

1:10:36

here. I don't mean starting dating dudes,

1:10:38

but I just meant, yeah, probably accepted

1:10:41

it, been okay with it. Well, I

1:10:43

would have known what it was. Right.

1:10:45

You know, and I think part of

1:10:47

my problem was not that I had

1:10:50

not, right so i didn't have any

1:10:52

idea i didn't know what gay was

1:10:54

there's no contact none at all and

1:10:57

i know a lot of people i've

1:10:59

got friends uh... who grew up in

1:11:01

much more progressive areas than north carolina

1:11:04

who knew when they were twelve or

1:11:06

who you know i've got friends whose

1:11:08

parents whose parents say all we knew

1:11:10

when he was when he was ten

1:11:13

and i'm like how the hell do

1:11:15

you know well that's because you know

1:11:17

what gay looks like i didn't know

1:11:20

what gay was i didn't But I

1:11:22

got called every once in a while

1:11:24

and I didn't really know what the

1:11:27

hell that meant. So I probably would

1:11:29

have known what gay meant and then

1:11:31

realized, oh wait, yeah, probably so. But

1:11:33

even after I started having, even after

1:11:36

I started realizing it to myself, it

1:11:38

took many years for me to be

1:11:40

willing to, A, admit it to myself,

1:11:43

B, admit it to anybody else around

1:11:45

me, and then C, C, admit it

1:11:47

to my family. And then, you know,

1:11:50

it's a, there circles, there levels that

1:11:52

it had that it takes. That it

1:11:54

takes. It's an onion. And your dad

1:11:57

cries when you cut into it. That's

1:11:59

why we call it an onion. Must

1:12:01

have been great first day of work

1:12:03

back at the penitentiary. had he had

1:12:06

he had died actually long before I

1:12:08

before I came out to anybody but

1:12:10

I honestly I almost think that I

1:12:13

almost think he probably knew before I

1:12:15

did so really yeah so So you

1:12:17

come out to do American Idol and

1:12:20

at this point you're not even sure

1:12:22

of your sexuality. At this point I

1:12:24

probably knew but I always say any

1:12:26

self-respecting southern gay man has been bisexual

1:12:29

at some point in his life. I

1:12:31

think I was at that point in

1:12:33

that phase for me because I realized

1:12:36

you know I may, I can, I've

1:12:38

been successful in doing things with women.

1:12:40

I can pull that off if I

1:12:43

have to, that's what I'm really supposed

1:12:45

to do. I must like it enough

1:12:47

that I'll, that's what I'll do and

1:12:49

I'll just, you know, get magazines or

1:12:52

something for the other stuff. So, so

1:12:54

you graduate high school and you go

1:12:56

off to school with music, but I

1:12:59

thought to myself. What

1:13:01

the hell am I going to do

1:13:03

with the degree in music? Now that's

1:13:05

not to bash people who have it,

1:13:07

but I didn't want to teach music

1:13:09

because I have a lot of patience

1:13:11

for kids, but I don't have patience

1:13:13

for something that's somewhat natural to me.

1:13:16

I don't know how to teach something

1:13:18

that I just do. intuitively. Right, so

1:13:20

I did not feel like I'd be

1:13:22

able to teach music and I did

1:13:24

not think that having a degree in

1:13:26

music was going to necessarily make anybody

1:13:28

think I was good. You know, you

1:13:30

can have the piece of paper and

1:13:32

still be crap and you can definitely,

1:13:34

most people who we know as famous

1:13:37

singers don't have their degrees in music.

1:13:39

So I took the year off. Sort

1:13:41

of like the nine-year-old with the black

1:13:43

belt. You go, I still bet I

1:13:45

could kick that kid's ass. I probably

1:13:47

couldn't, you might be able to. Well,

1:13:49

just because a kid weighs 41 pounds.

1:13:51

I mean, eventually I'd get tired and

1:13:53

fall on them, right? I thought that

1:13:55

I'd take the year off and just

1:13:58

kind of see, you know, what I

1:14:00

wanted to do. And I started working

1:14:02

at a YMCA. really kind of fell

1:14:04

in love with working with kids, and

1:14:06

especially working with kids with disabilities. For

1:14:08

me, I really enjoyed working with the

1:14:10

kids with the behavioral disabilities. And so

1:14:12

after a year of doing that, I

1:14:14

decided that's what I wanted to go

1:14:17

to school for. So the physical disability,

1:14:19

that one's pretty cut and dried. I

1:14:21

mean, you get a prosthetic or you

1:14:23

learn to work with it or around

1:14:25

it, but the behavioral thing. you gotta

1:14:27

you gotta roll your sleeves up and

1:14:29

you can make a difference or not

1:14:31

or get killed right yeah well for

1:14:33

you know i don't know i just

1:14:35

enjoy that type of challenge and every

1:14:38

kid is individual and i you know

1:14:40

i loved working with the kids in

1:14:42

general uh... and and i've worked with

1:14:44

mostly kids with you know typically developing

1:14:46

kids but when you do that every

1:14:48

kid kids get lost in the mix

1:14:50

and I enjoyed being able to figure

1:14:52

out what makes this one tick, what

1:14:54

makes that one tick and really individualizing

1:14:56

what I did to that child and

1:14:59

that's kind of what I fell in

1:15:01

love with and through doing that I

1:15:03

got placed sort of accidentally the principal

1:15:05

at the school that I was working

1:15:07

with the after-school program for asked me

1:15:09

to come and do be a substitute

1:15:11

for a few weeks for a teacher

1:15:13

who taught in the autism classroom. and

1:15:15

she was going on maternity leave and

1:15:17

they needed somebody in there for a

1:15:20

month and a half. So I kind

1:15:22

of reluctantly did that and absolutely fell

1:15:24

in love with it. The teacher never

1:15:26

came back. So I was there the

1:15:28

rest of the year, totally fell in

1:15:30

love with that and was able to

1:15:32

kind of get credit and school for

1:15:34

it. and ended up staying another year

1:15:36

while I was going to school, working

1:15:39

in that classroom also. And I just,

1:15:41

you know, working with kids' individual needs

1:15:43

and knowing what kid, you know, I

1:15:45

had one kid who'd get angry and

1:15:47

every time he'd sing the sound of

1:15:49

silence, Simon Garfokal song, and you'd know

1:15:51

he was about to throw something as

1:15:53

soon as you heard him saying, start

1:15:55

singing the sound of silence. It was

1:15:57

just really fascinating. Certain kids would do

1:16:00

completely different. I mean, I had one

1:16:02

child who would go to the bathroom

1:16:04

and then come back from the bathroom.

1:16:06

no clothes on in the trash can.

1:16:08

And it was just, it was really

1:16:10

kind of lots of fun stories. And,

1:16:12

you know, having to, knowing how, being

1:16:14

the only person who understood how that

1:16:16

particular child worked in the, in the

1:16:18

school was fascinating to me and having

1:16:21

to be a problem solver was something

1:16:23

that was fun for me. And I

1:16:25

liked the individualized work that I did

1:16:27

with these kids that I did with

1:16:29

these kids. You know, I've got a

1:16:31

three-year-old and I see him learn things

1:16:33

every day, but he learns so quickly

1:16:35

that when he learns something new, it's

1:16:37

like, oh, that's pretty cool. With kids

1:16:39

who I worked with in this classroom,

1:16:42

you'd be working on one particular thing

1:16:44

for four months before they'd finally master

1:16:46

it, and then you really felt this

1:16:48

sense of accomplishment, and you felt like

1:16:50

you had done something important, and I

1:16:52

like that more. and did you think

1:16:54

then this will be my career i

1:16:56

will work with special needs children and

1:16:58

it'll be you know a noble pursuit

1:17:00

i'll never get rich but it'll be

1:17:03

gratifying absolutely i'm not my my thought

1:17:05

was i would do that for a

1:17:07

while and then i i mean i

1:17:09

kind of in my dream scenario thought

1:17:11

i'll go and and uh... being assistant

1:17:13

principal get my masters and doing it

1:17:15

being assistant principal somewhere but that's really

1:17:17

sort of all i necessarily dreamed of

1:17:19

doing and some days i still dream

1:17:22

of it I come from a long

1:17:24

line of those, by the way. My

1:17:26

dad worked at a place called Five

1:17:28

Acres, which is out here in Altadena

1:17:30

for sort of an orphanage, essentially. He

1:17:32

was like director of education because they

1:17:34

had a school that was for the

1:17:36

kids that couldn't go off to school.

1:17:38

They're all living at this facility waiting

1:17:40

to be adopted or put into foster

1:17:43

care or something. But then some of

1:17:45

the kids were so... unruly for lack

1:17:47

of a better term that they couldn't

1:17:49

go out into a public school so

1:17:51

my dad sort of oversaw but there

1:17:53

was never any money that was what

1:17:55

I would have I would have loved

1:17:57

that it was it was kind of

1:17:59

interesting they all lived in cottages and

1:18:01

had like den mothers and den you

1:18:04

know and they like sort of dorms

1:18:06

and bunks and it was this weird

1:18:08

thing but it was interesting and I

1:18:10

went with him a couple of times

1:18:12

to see his work and then my

1:18:14

grandmother worked at the VA hospital and

1:18:16

that was it for no one else

1:18:18

worked in my family so that was

1:18:20

it but there was never any didn't

1:18:22

seem like there were there weren't many

1:18:25

raises in my dad's future because all

1:18:27

the money just came from fundraising and

1:18:29

all that kind of stuff and there

1:18:31

just wasn't any. There was no dividends

1:18:33

or stock options or profits to kick

1:18:35

down. So you have to do it

1:18:37

because you love it. Oh yeah. But

1:18:39

you're definitely repaid in a kind of

1:18:41

satisfaction that you don't get as a

1:18:43

stock trader. Some people work for that

1:18:46

type of... I mean, North Carolina pays

1:18:48

teachers worse than pretty much any state

1:18:50

in the country. So I was relatively

1:18:52

ready to be poor the rest of

1:18:54

my life. So how does American Idol

1:18:56

come about for you? I was working

1:18:58

with a one child after school during

1:19:00

the school year. I'd pick him up,

1:19:02

take him from his school, take him

1:19:05

home and kind of work with him

1:19:07

on social skills, child with pretty low

1:19:09

functioning autism, didn't speak, and I'd work

1:19:11

with him on social skills, some sorts

1:19:13

of home skills, take him out in

1:19:15

the community and let him do things.

1:19:17

go to the grocery store and learn

1:19:19

how to check things out and that

1:19:21

type of thing. And his mother heard

1:19:23

me sing around the house or you

1:19:26

know, because I was there many days

1:19:28

in the afternoon. Hello darkness smiled. That

1:19:30

would mean something was coming to my

1:19:32

head. Different kid. The stapler being thrown

1:19:34

at me again. We usually ducked when

1:19:36

we heard that song. But he would,

1:19:38

anyway, she heard me sing around the

1:19:40

house quite a bit and I was

1:19:42

not with him during the summer. And

1:19:44

when I came back, she asked me

1:19:47

if I'd seen American Idol the year

1:19:49

before. And I had maybe seen one

1:19:51

or that was the year my dad

1:19:53

was sick and had passed away. So

1:19:55

I hadn't seen too much of it.

1:19:57

But she said, you need to watch

1:19:59

the last. or three episodes of season

1:20:01

one. Yeah, Kelly Clarkson, Justin Glorini. And

1:20:03

thought, oh, this is pretty interesting, but

1:20:05

I am not really competitive person, which

1:20:08

is, which is a may surprise you.

1:20:10

And so I really didn't want to

1:20:12

go into, I didn't want to do

1:20:14

this competition. She said, you really need

1:20:16

to do it. She'd heard me sing.

1:20:18

Had you done singing? I mean, you've

1:20:20

sang in front of people, but had

1:20:22

you done it on any professional level

1:20:24

or anything that you could compare, well

1:20:27

nothing you can compare to American Idol,

1:20:29

but something that you could think back

1:20:31

on and go, yes, I remember that

1:20:33

Christmas show, there were several hundred people

1:20:35

in the auditorium and I soloed and

1:20:37

I did a great job. I sang

1:20:39

in church. sort of regularly, but it

1:20:41

was a small church, you know, 50

1:20:43

people on a Sunday. And then there

1:20:45

were occasionally some like community concert type

1:20:48

things that I would sing in back

1:20:50

home. But nothing, it never was my

1:20:52

dream to be a performer. I like

1:20:54

doing it as a hobby. Did you

1:20:56

know? that you had the chops to

1:20:58

do it. No, no, no, no, no.

1:21:00

I, uh, that got him horribly skinny

1:21:02

in the pictures that I was looking

1:21:04

at a nice picture. The, um, I,

1:21:06

no, I thought I was good and

1:21:09

I went and auditioned finally after she

1:21:11

nagged me so many times, I went

1:21:13

and auditioned in Charlotte, because I was

1:21:15

there, so might as well. And I

1:21:17

got cut, I didn't make it through.

1:21:19

I had heard people singing in line

1:21:21

throughout the day because you waited line

1:21:23

from 6 a.m. and had heard some

1:21:25

really bad people singing and I thought,

1:21:27

God, I know I'm better than that

1:21:30

person or that person. So when I

1:21:32

got cut, I was like, shit, I'm

1:21:34

not no. I'm not getting cut the

1:21:36

first day. So the next weekend I

1:21:38

went to Atlanta and auditioned again. Different

1:21:40

town. Different city. And auditioned a second

1:21:42

time and thought, God, I am. I

1:21:44

just really want to make sure this

1:21:46

wasn't a fluke. Do you remember the

1:21:48

song you... I'm guessing you did. I

1:21:51

do. It was... Hello Darkness? No I

1:21:53

didn't. I am... This is somewhat embarrassing.

1:21:55

I haven't told too many people. had

1:21:57

about five songs prepared in my head

1:21:59

in Atlanta. I don't remember what I

1:22:01

sang in Charlotte because I didn't have

1:22:03

anything prepared and I think I stole

1:22:05

it from whoever was behind me in

1:22:07

line. How do they let you clear

1:22:10

stuff? Do they give you? Well, it

1:22:12

wasn't. It's not necessarily taped. That part

1:22:14

of the issue is not taped. And

1:22:16

then if you get far enough, you

1:22:18

have to pick off a list. Right.

1:22:20

I had five songs in my head,

1:22:22

one of them was Arthur's theme, when

1:22:24

you get caught between them, yeah, and

1:22:26

a few others, I can't quite remember,

1:22:28

when I stepped into the room, it's

1:22:31

like a cattle call thing, five people

1:22:33

walk in, you step forward, you say

1:22:35

your name, you sing your song, step

1:22:37

back, and so on and so forth.

1:22:39

And then we say, sing your song,

1:22:41

probably mean 20 seconds of your song?

1:22:43

Yeah, not much. I was so nervous

1:22:45

in Atlanta, I mean I was scared

1:22:47

shitless, and I walked in and I

1:22:49

opened my mouth and I started singing

1:22:52

the theme song to Perfect Strangers. Remember

1:22:54

that TV show for me? Sure. Cousin

1:22:56

Balke? Yes, I sang the theme song

1:22:58

to Perfect Strangers as my audition. And

1:23:00

wait a minute, I was sticking the

1:23:02

other day, he was from me post

1:23:04

or something. That's exactly where he was

1:23:06

from. And then I remembered, I can't

1:23:08

name the vice president of the United

1:23:10

States, but I know that cousin Balke's

1:23:13

from me post. And evidently and I

1:23:15

thought boys that sad. I don't know

1:23:17

why I was walking out my front

1:23:19

door and I was like cousin Balcoos

1:23:21

from me post wasn't he? But the

1:23:23

theme of that song what was the

1:23:25

theme of that song? What was the

1:23:27

theme of that song? I'm a bear.

1:23:29

It gives a little taste. Standing tall

1:23:32

on the wings of my dreams the

1:23:34

rain and thunder the wind and haze

1:23:36

I'm bound for better days. You remember

1:23:38

it all anything? It's starting to come

1:23:40

back. You know that Family Matters was

1:23:42

a spin-off of that show. No, I

1:23:44

did not know that. The Urban Show

1:23:46

was a spin-off. Oh, we're gonna get

1:23:48

the... Yeah. Here it is. I sang

1:23:50

this whole thing. It just came out

1:23:53

of your mouth. That's what, that's what,

1:23:55

when I opened my mouth, this part.

1:23:57

Sometimes, world looks perfect and the guy

1:23:59

looked at me like what the hell

1:24:01

are you singing but he probably didn't

1:24:03

know what it was right he had

1:24:05

no clue what it was and I

1:24:07

think they thought well we'll never be

1:24:09

able to clear this we use thankfully

1:24:11

he had the patience with me to

1:24:14

ask me to sing something else right

1:24:16

because he could have he could he

1:24:18

probably should have just kicked me out

1:24:20

then I miss when

1:24:22

every sitcom started with them packing up

1:24:24

the car and driving wherever they were

1:24:26

going to end up. Like whether it

1:24:28

was college or it was an apartment

1:24:31

they were going to share. That's right.

1:24:33

There's Balfi with this. There are really

1:24:35

no more. This song is a minute

1:24:37

and a half long. Do you realize?

1:24:39

He's back in his native mepos. He's

1:24:41

handed the sheep herding staff to his

1:24:43

grandfather. She's loaded him onto the card.

1:24:46

It was sort of, well let's put

1:24:48

it this way, if they were any

1:24:50

color but white, this would have been

1:24:52

horribly offensive, right? He's

1:24:54

got a Teddy bear, he's getting in

1:24:57

a tanker ship, he's going to, going

1:24:59

to some stock shots. Why don't TV

1:25:01

shows have great theme songs like this

1:25:04

anymore? It's really sad. That's a minute

1:25:06

and a half of that show every

1:25:08

week we watch this. They used to

1:25:11

really, wow, this is the extended dance

1:25:13

version, right? Yeah. Loose,

1:25:15

the whole thing was basically like this.

1:25:17

The one guy had a, it was

1:25:20

sort of Three's Company, which is the

1:25:22

one, every episode would start with, I

1:25:24

got a hot date tonight. Don't screw

1:25:26

this up, Balke, and then smash cut

1:25:28

to her, slapping him in the face

1:25:31

and saying I never want to see

1:25:33

you again. That's how I remember the

1:25:35

show, but for some reason I remember

1:25:37

the song. I funny I remember the

1:25:39

the song I remember the show but

1:25:42

not the song also this is why

1:25:44

I recommend staying up till 5 a.m.

1:25:46

like twice a month just to see

1:25:48

what the fuck's going on on TV

1:25:50

because they still put reruns of this

1:25:53

well to see that's all thing when

1:25:55

I did in in North Carolina your

1:25:57

own your own state of North Carolina

1:25:59

did Dawson's Creek and I did a

1:26:01

week on Dawson's Creek, Dr. Drew and

1:26:04

myself, and we had this horrible schedule

1:26:06

where we would do love line from

1:26:08

1am to 3am because it was... 10

1:26:10

p.m. to midnight out here but because

1:26:12

we're going to be gone for a

1:26:15

week and with a three-hour time change

1:26:17

we had to do it from a

1:26:19

studio live yeah live so we'd work

1:26:21

course every night from 1 a.m. to

1:26:23

3 a.m. and then we'd be on

1:26:25

set at 7.45. Is that what time

1:26:28

that came on because I remember watching

1:26:30

that when I was younger? We would

1:26:32

do the MTV version, we would just

1:26:34

gang tape those shows and those shows,

1:26:36

I know almost sounds like gang rape.

1:26:39

It's a little bit, it's actually worse

1:26:41

than gang rape in terms of being

1:26:43

violated as a performer. doing four one-hour

1:26:45

shows in one day by the way.

1:26:47

So we would gang tape those and

1:26:50

those would air every night at like

1:26:52

1130 or something like that or 12.

1:26:54

But we would do the syndicated radio

1:26:56

show and the syndicated radio show would

1:26:58

be from 10 o'clock to midnight but

1:27:01

when we went to the East Coast

1:27:03

it'd be 1 a.m. to 3 a.m.

1:27:05

and they put us up like a

1:27:07

lodge sort of motel lodge and we

1:27:09

were working the entire week on Dawson

1:27:12

Creek but we would finish love line

1:27:14

at 3 a.m. and I'd get back

1:27:16

to my hotel room at 3.30 and

1:27:18

when I turned my TV set on,

1:27:20

bosom buddies would be there. So I

1:27:23

watched a week's worth of bosom buddies.

1:27:25

I'm surprised it wasn't the Andy Griffith

1:27:27

show because that's the North Carolina staple

1:27:29

really. Yeah, that's the fallback. That's the

1:27:31

go-to, like that's what ends up. It's

1:27:34

weird when you get trapped places. Like

1:27:36

when I did dancing with the stars,

1:27:38

I'd get trapped in my trailer for

1:27:40

four hours. They had KDOC. They had

1:27:42

no other stations. So you'd watch Andy

1:27:45

Griffith, then you'd watch like Perry Mason,

1:27:47

and then Hawaii 500. See, I'd be

1:27:49

happy with that. I was actually kind

1:27:51

of happy with it as well, though

1:27:53

you do realize no one would put

1:27:56

up with this. because they

1:27:58

were very slow

1:28:00

moving shows. But anyway,

1:28:02

you sung the bosom buddy

1:28:04

theme song. Stranger's. sorry.

1:28:07

Perfect Strangers theme song

1:28:09

song. And the guy, they gave that gave

1:28:11

you the nod? he he he he looked

1:28:13

at me with a, what the fuck was

1:28:15

that on his face? said can said, can you

1:28:17

sing anything else? had He had, he let

1:28:19

everybody else go, he had me stay.

1:28:21

And he asked me if I could sing

1:28:24

anything else. And I sang sing forever. else and

1:28:26

I sang always he let me through based

1:28:28

on that. And then, you know, there on

1:28:30

two or three other steps before you actually

1:28:32

stand in front of the judges. before you actually

1:28:34

I got my first taste of, and I

1:28:36

got my you know, reality show producing show doing

1:28:39

that because that because they were There

1:28:41

were people who were making it through. it through

1:28:43

with me had heard had heard sing

1:28:45

on the street and were horrible

1:28:47

And one guy in One guy was really, really

1:28:50

really, really bad. it And after

1:28:52

we made it through one of

1:28:54

the rounds, the executive producer producer I

1:28:56

made it through it through he came out and

1:28:58

out and said. I said, Oh, you made you made

1:29:00

it through, great, congratulations. And he said, yeah,

1:29:02

he he told me that I was

1:29:04

exactly what this competition needed. And I

1:29:06

thought, And I thought, that is a crooked way

1:29:09

to tell somebody somebody you just need

1:29:11

him to be on the show, but

1:29:13

you're going to make fun of fun of them.

1:29:15

so I kind of got an idea

1:29:17

of what I was getting myself into

1:29:19

a little bit. into a little bit. But they had, had,

1:29:21

and actually that same executive producer had

1:29:24

told me told me when I I sang Always that

1:29:26

when I stood in I stood in front of

1:29:28

the judges, he really really me to sing it

1:29:30

to and really sell a tepola to

1:29:32

in hindsight I wonder I he just

1:29:34

do that because he thought he thought, that

1:29:36

the picture of me singing a love

1:29:38

song to Paul Abdul would be

1:29:40

pretty funny, pretty funny and and he could

1:29:42

get a laugh out of it

1:29:45

even if they didn't put me

1:29:47

through. even if they wasn't there, so

1:29:49

I got Paula the potential embarrassment of

1:29:51

this homo singing a love song

1:29:53

to Paul Abdul. of this homo singing have

1:29:55

stuck with the Paul Abdul. I should have stuck

1:29:57

with its reigning men like I got the you know

1:29:59

been been of on the producing

1:30:01

side of some of this stuff,

1:30:03

not the reality show, but just

1:30:05

doing shows. And, you know, they

1:30:07

go, look, this person's gonna be

1:30:09

on TV, they're lucky to be

1:30:12

on TV, they're never gonna be

1:30:14

on TV, most time they're getting

1:30:16

paid, so screw them, who cares?

1:30:18

And the show always comes first,

1:30:20

but yes, it does. It's sort

1:30:22

of border, borderline cruel. Some of

1:30:24

the stuff they do. So once

1:30:26

you make it through and you

1:30:28

realize you're going to LA, that

1:30:30

has to be insane. We were

1:30:32

told we were going to Hollywood

1:30:34

and I'd barely left North Carolina.

1:30:36

If I couldn't drive there with

1:30:38

the family to Myrtle Beach in

1:30:40

South Carolina, I probably hadn't been.

1:30:42

And so I was thrilled to

1:30:44

be going to Hollywood. Well, they

1:30:46

sent us to the Hilton in

1:30:48

Glendale. This is not Hollywood, but

1:30:50

you know at this point. In

1:30:53

hindsight, I was somewhat naive to believe

1:30:55

it, but at that point, you think,

1:30:57

you know what, if I've made it

1:30:59

to Hollywood, I'm going to, this is

1:31:01

all I need, I'm going to be

1:31:03

able to sing for the rest of

1:31:05

my life, and that's going to be

1:31:07

what my career is. Was that the

1:31:10

biggest or most highly rated American Idol

1:31:12

season they had? As far as season

1:31:14

goes, I think that one season had

1:31:16

higher ratings, but the finale I know

1:31:18

was the largest finale that had. I

1:31:20

find, and then after I'm done forcing

1:31:22

my words into your mouth, you can

1:31:24

pergertate some new words that came out

1:31:26

of your head, but... I would definitely

1:31:28

be on the losing end of a

1:31:30

fight where everyone in the arena thought

1:31:32

I won, even if I didn't get

1:31:34

the belt, rather than win the fight

1:31:36

and have everyone booing as I was

1:31:38

sort of walking back to the dressing

1:31:40

room. And not that Reuben Studder did

1:31:42

that, but what I'm saying is, is

1:31:44

coming in second place and I've everyone

1:31:46

sort of think you should have came

1:31:48

in first place, is better than the

1:31:50

guy who came in first place, I

1:31:52

think. Well, you know, the whole season

1:31:55

for him. I was, I think, excuse

1:31:57

me, the idea of he and I

1:31:59

being so diametrically completely different was a

1:32:01

fun story for folks, but Reuben definitely

1:32:03

had, I think, at least from the

1:32:05

cool people. you know, the people you

1:32:07

want to be rooting for you. Ruben

1:32:09

was, Ruben was the cool one and

1:32:11

I was the nerdy little, doesn't quite

1:32:13

know he's gay yet, kid. Sure. And

1:32:15

I was the underdog the whole time.

1:32:17

Right. I didn't realize a few years

1:32:19

later and it feels dirty saying it

1:32:21

now, but about a year later they

1:32:23

released and apparently I had had the

1:32:25

most votes every week until the finale.

1:32:27