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classics at .com. right, coming for coming up for our

1:46

first clip today, we have Adam Kurlow, 984.

1:48

This one's this one's featuring and Rosen and Brian Bishop. It's

1:51

the 2013 20 of the Union show. the Union just

1:53

a nice little little fun I thought thought that

1:55

felt very post that would fit would fit

1:57

in well that would fit in well. Couple

2:02

of interesting things went to Christmas party

2:04

at my sisters ran into You know

2:07

how I always marvel at how uninterested

2:09

everybody and my family is over what

2:11

I do? Yes, especially things like books

2:13

and things like that When I say

2:16

uninterested I don't mean mean-spirited and I

2:18

understand the part where it's like I'm

2:20

not their cup of tea creatively or

2:23

whatever But I would have questions for

2:25

me like how many of those things

2:27

did you sell? or like what's it

2:30

take to get on the New York

2:32

Times best-seller list? Like you got to

2:34

sell 10,000 or 100,000 or like what

2:36

is that the most sold and does

2:39

it count in the audio or the

2:41

e-books? I'd have questions for me. You're

2:43

more interested in their lack of interest.

2:46

I'm fascinated by their lack of interest.

2:48

So I wrote one book and I've

2:50

never discussed it with anyone in my

2:53

family either. But... They're I do have

2:55

the rogue stepfamily and they're normal So

2:57

they do a lot of, hey, what's

3:00

going on with this? And I got

3:02

an extra copy. Could you sign it

3:04

for my friend Tony? I work with

3:06

him. He's a big fan. I get

3:09

a lot of that out of them.

3:11

Just highlighting the weirdness of your actual

3:13

family. It does kind of underscore it.

3:16

Yeah. It's like, if a chick's a

3:18

six and she's got a little bit

3:20

of an ass and bad skin and

3:23

sex or she drops her, she drops

3:25

down three notches. Yeah, yeah, you should

3:27

hang out with you guys. No, no,

3:29

like, yeah, you'd be like a coyote

3:32

hanging around with a bunch of purebred

3:34

German Shepherds. And everyone go like, I'm

3:36

drunk enough to fuck that coyote. I'll

3:39

let that coyote blow me. So, um,

3:41

my, uh, I have a step cousin

3:43

named Kim and her dad who passed

3:46

away his name, who's originally my, you

3:48

know, everyone's a step, everyone's a half,

3:50

everyone's confused, I have no idea how

3:52

it goes, but she's really nice woman,

3:55

she's a couple years younger than me.

3:57

I grew up with her, essentially, and

3:59

she said, there's a picture in the

4:02

book of all of us on the

4:04

porch of my mom's shack that I

4:06

grew up in, and she and her

4:09

brother and her dad are all on

4:11

the thing. And she said, hey, somebody

4:13

told me about your, it. I guess

4:15

this guy I've known for 40 years

4:18

has got a book, maybe I should

4:20

go. But somebody sent them or told

4:22

them or did something, something. And they

4:25

sent them the picture. They showed him

4:27

the picture of all of us on

4:29

the porch. And she was a little

4:32

cute blonde girl, standing there in a

4:34

little flower dress. And she said, I've

4:36

never seen that picture before. Where did

4:39

you get that picture? I said, I

4:41

don't know. I just found it going

4:43

through some old, you know, shoebox full

4:45

of pictures. I read quite a bit

4:48

of the book. Pretty good. I said,

4:50

well now I'm rich. Now I'm rich.

4:52

It's like, thank you. She's like, no

4:55

problem. And I thought... Did she realize

4:57

there was sarcasm when he said thank

4:59

you? No, nobody... I think that's... I

5:02

think whenever I say thank you people

5:04

take it as sarcastic at least I

5:06

hope they do I mean even if

5:08

I was pulled from a river yeah

5:11

I hope that that thank you would

5:13

be taken you don't have to be

5:15

a dig about it yeah I hope

5:18

it's always taking sarcastically but it's just

5:20

a weird thing but first off it's

5:22

like what's it going to take for

5:25

someone to squeeze a trigger on a

5:27

1399 book like you're already on Amazon

5:29

yeah how many books are there with

5:31

pictures are there with pictures of you

5:34

in it a little more than one

5:36

picture of her per per per evidently

5:38

Right. That's a great sales pointer. How

5:41

many pictures are there with books out

5:43

there of pictures of you in them?

5:45

Wait till paperback, then I'll make the

5:48

move. This is the, uh, have the

5:50

old picture. You can go to amkroll.com

5:52

and take a look at it. But

5:54

I thought, wow, my family is really

5:57

committed. to not being committed. That's her

5:59

on the right. Those are my two

6:01

front doors. I always like to laugh

6:04

at and that's the entire miserable, miserable

6:06

brood. But like I said, the commitment

6:08

to what's it gonna take, like we

6:11

know we've established just a picture of

6:13

you in this book and a picture

6:15

of your dad and a picture of

6:18

your brother and stuff that she's never

6:20

seen before. Maybe there's more. The guy

6:22

who you essentially grew up with wrote

6:24

it, it's on the New York Times

6:27

Best Seller, can't be that bad, and

6:29

you're already on Amazon. You cook that

6:31

mouse over and get a used one,

6:34

$9.99? I mean, you can accidentally purchase

6:36

things on Amazon. I feel like you'd

6:38

be more careful not to click. Yeah,

6:41

so, but she did tell me she

6:43

read a fair bit of it via

6:45

the Amazon sample thing, which... start to

6:47

get me pissed off at Amazon. How

6:50

much is it giving away? If this

6:52

is enough to satiate my cousin, then

6:54

a perfect stranger. You know what I

6:57

mean? Like the person who has a

6:59

picture of it. Perfect stranger has read

7:01

too much. Has read enough to know

7:04

that they're not squeezing the trigger on

7:06

that. You got the used at $12

7:08

and $40. 46 cents. Seemingly a little

7:10

rich for her blood. All right, but

7:13

I'm saying there's a picture of you

7:15

and your brother and your dad in

7:17

it, so who's the joke on? Well

7:20

you. Yeah, you mostly. All right, so

7:22

and that's as close as up. So

7:24

that is the officially the most book

7:27

related conversation I've had. Other relatives over

7:29

here this conversation? If they did, they

7:31

quickly tuned out. You know, like when

7:33

you're on the subway and a black

7:36

dude's yelling as old lady. You do

7:38

that move, you know what I mean?

7:40

You're not going to get any eye

7:43

contact on it. Maybe it's culture right

7:45

on it. Yeah, we don't understand. You

7:47

can't judge and you could get hit

7:50

with like, you know, just there could

7:52

be a collateral fist for you too.

7:54

So let's mind your own piece and

7:57

cues. Bury your face in that people

7:59

or us magazine. Have you ever been

8:01

next to the person? who refuses to

8:03

bury their face though and decides to

8:06

be a good idea to get involved.

8:08

It's always a small woman who's a

8:10

little bit drunk. Oh, it's true. Yeah,

8:13

and like way too old. Well, there's

8:15

a point. There's a fighting age and

8:17

that fighting age is somewhere around like

8:20

after your period starts. to 10 years

8:22

after your period stops. That's your fighting

8:24

age. And then at some point you

8:26

become Judge Judy. and like we're gonna

8:29

punch out a 71 year old woman

8:31

like you're past so they can come

8:33

up and go excuse me sir I

8:36

don't excuse you I don't think it's

8:38

polite and you know you could be

8:40

talking to an ex-line backer in the

8:43

NFL but that guys can't pound her

8:45

she's nothing now I'm a regular-sized dude

8:47

who can't come up to that guy

8:49

because I come up to that guy

8:52

then we might have to scrap I'm

8:54

in fighting range age and size yeah

8:56

you can't get the Estel Getty Judge

8:59

Judy judge Judy right right yeah so

9:01

she could do it or a nine-year-old

9:03

you know whoever could come up and

9:06

do it but when you're in that

9:08

fighting age that 14 and a half

9:10

to 15 to like 55 depending on

9:12

how if you take care of yourself

9:15

or not no I had a couple

9:17

speaking of confrontations you know how I

9:19

never stopped complaining that Everyone is just

9:22

getting worse and worse and worse and

9:24

and especially young people and everyone has

9:26

an excuse and there's no more like

9:29

well, you know, the customer's king, my

9:31

bad, what, you know, there's not that,

9:33

there's like. a lot of laps you

9:36

do with people like a lot of

9:38

arguing like like in the past if

9:40

you took something back and said excuse

9:42

me i asked for this toast drying

9:45

it's covered with butter so can i

9:47

just take in the past me oh

9:49

sorry sir and just take back now

9:52

it's like i heard you say and

9:54

then you go i didn't because i

9:56

know i'm pretty sure and i didn't

9:59

Well, somebody, it's like, why are we

10:01

doing laps? And then- And why are

10:03

you lying about, like, what's in it

10:05

for you to lie about how you

10:08

actually ordered? Who is this new breed

10:10

of monster that we've created that has

10:12

to do multiple laps? And I realize-

10:15

Oh, these are the kids who got

10:17

the participation trophies. They've never done anything

10:19

wrong. I'm raising two of them myself.

10:22

You have to do laps, you know,

10:24

but why? But I don't feel like,

10:26

well, how come? But what about you?

10:28

You, you know, it's like everything's a

10:31

lap. Right. And then you get them

10:33

in a position where they're working, but

10:35

you can't shut that part of your

10:38

brain off. What are you talking about?

10:40

I got, uh... I got my inspiration

10:42

for my next movie and I met

10:45

my buddy Kevin Hinch over the break

10:47

to start working on it and I

10:49

met him at one of those little

10:51

breakfast cafes where you order at the

10:54

counter the cash register and then you

10:56

sit down and they come bring it

10:58

to you and you know how when

11:01

a certain Business takes on a personality

11:03

and sometimes it's just dumb. This one

11:05

just took on dumb. Like I walked

11:08

in and I said, can I sit

11:10

down? And she said, yeah. And I

11:12

said, do you bring the coffee or

11:15

I get my own? And she goes,

11:17

I'll bring it to you. I'll bring

11:19

it to you. And she goes, I'll

11:21

bring it to you. And I'll bring

11:24

it to you. And I'll come up

11:26

and buy it. It's like, OK, everyone.

11:28

And it was like, what do you

11:31

want in your ome? Give me some

11:33

onions and give me some turkey sausage

11:35

and what kind of cheese. Give me

11:38

Jack cheese. And she said, okay, I

11:40

ordered, I sat down. And I started

11:42

eating this omelet and I realized very

11:44

quickly this wasn't Jack cheese. Can I

11:47

say this, we need cheese clarity? Because

11:49

I feel like there's times when I

11:51

order omelet. and I get a square

11:54

of American cheese like melted on top

11:56

of it and I'm like that's not

11:58

what I'm talking about and first off

12:01

there is a difference between cheese like

12:03

When you have nachos, there is such

12:05

a thing as nachos with cheddar cheese,

12:07

and then there's nachos where they take

12:10

the one pump from the Velveeta thing

12:12

that's nothing but... Yeah, but that's... Cheese

12:14

is dairy-based, not oil-based, and then chemical-based,

12:17

like that stuff tastes like, fucking Tao

12:19

makes it, like when I was... Yeah,

12:21

it's very unofficial. When I was nine

12:24

and you gave me a piece of

12:26

American cheese and I bit and I

12:28

was like, what the fuck is this?

12:30

This doesn't taste like cheese, like I

12:33

like cheese, especially in an omelet. There's

12:35

nothing worse than the fake cheese and

12:37

they don't tell you. Now they don't

12:40

usually synthesize the cheddar cheese, but once

12:42

in a while they'll synthesize the Swiss

12:44

cheese, it's not cheese. Okay, there is

12:47

such a thing as a synthesized Swiss

12:49

and a Jack too. They don't tell

12:51

you. They come in those squares like

12:54

American cheese, right? They're just a different

12:56

flavor. It's cheese product. It's cheese product.

12:58

So they don't go, oh, this isn't

13:00

cheese. This is this synthesized oil-based, whatever.

13:03

So I'm eating into my omelet and...

13:05

it's not even melted, it's still in

13:07

its square like shape and it's coming

13:10

out and it's like and it's got

13:12

halipinos and peppers and stuff in it

13:14

and I said what is so it's

13:17

fake cheese so and it's always way

13:19

too salty and it just fucks up

13:21

the meal so I said this is

13:23

pepper jack oh this is fake pepper

13:26

jack cheese it's the fake version of

13:28

jack cheese somebody fine me it's like

13:30

I know velveida makes fucking jack and

13:33

a pepper jack or whatever it's not

13:35

Who are these fucking retards that like

13:37

this stuff? I mean, it's okay. Here's

13:40

what I will give you. American cheese

13:42

on a burger paddy melted, doable, fine.

13:44

But when you're ordering an omelet or

13:46

you're ordering anything else, like anything that

13:49

has to do with Mexican food or

13:51

anything. that has to do with chips

13:53

or anything like that in the fake

13:56

fucking gelatinous hot gooey mess it's a

13:58

fucking nightmare sorry this is where I'm

14:00

a snob the American cheese and all

14:03

that process cheese is never okay now

14:05

I be on a burger you gotta

14:07

aim higher in your life put a

14:09

piece of cheddar on there but I

14:12

know but when you go do in

14:14

and out and you order a cheeseburger

14:16

you don't have a cheese there's no

14:19

cheese selection so you can go no

14:21

or you can go that and I

14:23

don't I don't like it I'd rather

14:26

have real cheddar melted on it but

14:28

it's the only time horrible and certain

14:30

things that particular and in and out

14:33

cheeseburgers fine with me I don't have

14:35

to pick the cheese off it but

14:37

in an omelet it's fucking horrible it's

14:39

synthesized salty weird oily shit and it

14:42

doesn't never the right level of melting

14:44

it doesn't melt correctly because it's not

14:46

real it doesn't melt like cheese like

14:49

cheese so I went to the counter

14:51

and I said First off, I did

14:53

10 minutes with hand shone. Who the

14:56

fuck wants pepper jack cheese? Why not

14:58

jack cheese? Why are we fucking putting

15:00

a flavor and everything? And by the

15:02

way, I've, okay, I've been going nuts.

15:05

I don't know what the over under

15:07

on Passion Fruit was for this year

15:09

and who won the pool, but Passion

15:12

Fruit everywhere, every vodka. every yogurt. Everything,

15:14

there's not, there's not, there's not, there's

15:16

not, there's 270,000 flavors of yogurt now,

15:19

and then 80,000 of them are five

15:21

flavors, and like I said, there's no

15:23

such thing as just getting cranberry juice,

15:25

it's cran, apple, orange, neck, green, Cuban.

15:28

Yes, it's just, it's just, it's like,

15:30

it's just, it's not, so I said,

15:32

so I did 10 minutes on that

15:35

with a hinch. And then I walked

15:37

up to the counter, of course, there's

15:39

a line. That's that weird thing, right?

15:42

I don't want to skip in front

15:44

of the line, but there's six people

15:46

standing in line. I got to get

15:48

half an hour. I got to get

15:51

my fucking, they fuck this thing up.

15:53

So as I walk up, I hear

15:55

the guy go, uh, pepper jack cheese

15:58

pizza, good. Thank you. And I'm, I

16:00

was like, okay. Thanks Dick. Like, what

16:02

fucking animal wants fake cheese. Now, they

16:05

don't tell you it's fake cheese, but

16:07

if you hear pepper jack, it's not

16:09

real jack cheese. Okay. So I go

16:12

up and there's the. ubiquitous 24-25-year-old semi-tractive

16:14

chick behind the counter sort of zoned

16:16

out and I said, excuse me, I

16:18

just ordered this omelet with jack cheese

16:21

in it and we have, this is

16:23

pepper jack cheese and I could I

16:25

just have it remade with regular jack

16:28

cheese and she said, all our jack

16:30

cheese is pepper jack, which first, again.

16:32

That can't be true. That's the only

16:35

cheese they carry? No, that's the only

16:37

Jack Variety they carry so I was

16:39

like first of my head is just

16:41

spinning because I said look you order

16:44

ice tea you order coffee you order

16:46

whatever don't you just want that fucking

16:48

flavor like on I go give me

16:51

Jack cheese and they go we only

16:53

have Jack cheese we have the Jack

16:55

cheese to taste like a Mexican shot

16:58

a snot rocking into it I go

17:00

oh better! Oh hold on! Leave the

17:02

peppers put them back in the car!

17:04

Usually I have to mill my own

17:07

cheese. But you already have it pre-made?

17:09

Oh, you have the pepper and the

17:11

jazzy? It's about time. Pans, take the

17:14

crate of peppers and bring them back

17:16

to the car. Fantastic. I didn't know

17:18

you guys had made this marriage, because

17:21

in normal it's something I'd do at

17:23

the table. If someone orders Jack cheese,

17:25

don't just think they might like Jack

17:27

cheese. And Pepper Jack and Jack are

17:30

so... Not the same at all because

17:32

one is disgusting and really spicy. And

17:34

one is Jack. And one is fake

17:37

cheese. Jack cheese is real cheese. Pepper

17:39

Jack is scinto Jack. So I said,

17:41

I said, well, you know, if if

17:44

Pepper Jack is the only Jack you

17:46

have, I don't know what I'm doing.

17:48

This is part of my new year's

17:51

resolution where everyone else gets their shit

17:53

together. I said, when somebody orders something.

17:55

with jack cheese you should you

17:57

should probably tell it's

18:00

to be to be

18:02

because that might, you

18:04

know, shape their

18:07

decision. shape their And she said, and

18:09

she said I'm I'm pretty sure

18:11

I told you and I I said first off

18:13

off, what happened to the math? Yes,

18:16

I ordered cheese cheese and then got back

18:18

to the table. Now look, now look the

18:20

omelet has four other ingredients. Am I

18:22

complaining about those? Cause I ordered the

18:24

i sausage the I ordered the fucking mushrooms

18:26

the I ordered the onions. So I'm

18:28

not coming back going, what are these

18:30

onion things doing are these no, I ordered

18:33

that, but I ordered i cheese. You know,

18:35

give me fake cheese and add peppers

18:37

in it and you ruin the fake cheese

18:39

And she goes, in it and She goes, the

18:41

sure I told she And I said, pretty

18:43

sure i told it and i me. me

18:46

You You did not tell me, because

18:48

if you did tell me, it

18:50

would have sounded an alarm. I would

18:52

have alarm. I wouldn't want, whoa, why I'm standing

18:54

here? why I'm she And she paused and she

18:56

goes I definitely heard it somewhere.

18:58

And I heard it somewhere. off, I

19:00

wanted just and I was like, first

19:02

off, the just to fucking dive over the counter

19:04

and just start beating her head with a fucking

19:07

cookie cookie pan. You know what I mean? I mean? Like

19:09

really have to have this fucking retarded square have

19:11

this in the middle of this thing. I heard

19:13

it somewhere. You're moving from someone else,

19:15

but not part of your thing? I heard it

19:17

said You're maybe from

19:19

know you're gonna think I'm a dick and

19:21

I had to apologize to everyone else who

19:23

was in line too, but I said, if

19:26

you heard it somewhere, you heard it in

19:28

your own head. and It did not, to was

19:30

not audible. You did not say it to

19:32

me, I did not order line, too. You you did

19:34

not tell me you had Pepper Jack, jack. Understood?

19:36

And And she's like, okay, And I knew she was

19:38

just like, oh, what a dick. a dick. And else in

19:40

the line was like, what a dick. in the line was

19:42

like, are we to do? How

19:44

do we stem this do horrible

19:46

this of this crazy crazy fucked up

19:49

She was willing to leave it

19:51

at. leave it at, I I heard Like,

19:53

yeah, that's what that's what I'll do.

19:55

Like sometimes when I'm ordering I'll

19:57

go, I'll go, is that wry or wheat pepper

19:59

jack? It's a bliminal man.

20:02

No, this is the difference between the

20:04

hash browns and the home pom-pum-pum-pum-drow. Yeah,

20:06

that's what I do. Did you hear

20:08

that? Huh? I could have sworn it.

20:11

As you were ordering. No, I didn't.

20:13

No, I didn't. No, pepper jock. I

20:15

wanted pepper jack. Huh? Can I order

20:17

my meal? One on break. What is

20:20

that? Is that a Colombian whole roast

20:22

coffee over there? The pepper jerk. God

20:24

damn it! What? I swear I got

20:26

that deal. Why are you swearing? Listen.

20:28

Does it ever happen when you order

20:31

macaroni? I gotta use the pepper jerk.

20:33

This guy has the keys or is

20:35

the door open? Yeah. I know she

20:37

heard pepper jack. And listen bitch. You

20:40

guys have made this horrific decision to

20:42

only offer pepper jack and in place

20:44

of jack cheese and I'm sure you

20:46

save a nickel and the hyenas of

20:49

coming here and eat don't know any

20:51

different. But let's not try to, not

20:53

this hyena bitch, let's not push this

20:55

one back on me for the love

20:58

of Christ. i heard pepper jack but

21:00

the thing is like what you're saying

21:02

about the idea of the customer always

21:04

being right in the day even if

21:07

you had ordered pepper jack and then

21:09

you came up and said you didn't

21:11

want pepper jack she supposed to say

21:13

oh i'm so sorry let me fix

21:16

that for you well this is bigger

21:18

because yes agreed but it's bigger because

21:20

it's not about me getting a new

21:22

omelet i'm getting a new omelet you

21:25

guys put weird synthesized cheese in my

21:27

omelet that fucked it all up That's

21:29

a foregone conclusion. I'm getting a new

21:31

omelet. This is about you winning the

21:34

battle at the counter. This is about

21:36

us walking away and me going next

21:38

time. I'm going to bring my stenographer.

21:40

Like this is worse because I understand

21:43

when you... I once had a tailor

21:45

sew buttons onto a tuxedo jacket and

21:47

then he returned it to me inside

21:49

like one of those white slip covers.

21:52

whatever and it was in my closet

21:54

for like nine months and then I

21:56

was going out and I pull pull

21:58

it out and they were brass sailor

22:01

buttons like there were what you put

22:03

on a blue blazer if you were

22:05

really rich in in the late 70s

22:07

and early it's like literally anchors made

22:09

of brass and I walked back to

22:12

the guy and you know his to

22:14

tailor and I said hey man yes

22:16

hello my name is Graham Wellington got

22:18

to put black buttons on this thing

22:21

you put big brass buttons on this

22:23

thing and he's like I didn't do

22:25

that It'd take a lot of balls

22:27

for me to walk into a strange

22:30

tailor shop and try to save three

22:32

bucks on buttons. And he's like, but

22:34

at least that guy was arguing, because

22:36

his old thing was, if I eat

22:39

this shit, I'm going to be out

22:41

ten bucks worth of buttons and out

22:43

an hour worth of sewing on. So

22:45

there was a reason. A method to

22:48

his man is that he wanted already.

22:50

I was getting a new omelet. She

22:52

was just going to win the battle

22:54

of the words. Yes. All right. Sadly,

22:57

in Memorial, something to report

22:59

to you guys, which happened

23:01

near the beginning of the

23:03

break, Philip the juggler, my

23:05

dear friend, and I think

23:07

we have, I told you

23:09

about his case, he's a

23:11

dear, dear friend of mine,

23:13

I went to YouTube and

23:16

I found, I looked at

23:18

his act and just marveled

23:20

at it, but I remember

23:22

when I, he passed away,

23:24

and I thought when he

23:26

was... the biggest celebrity in

23:28

the world to me when

23:30

I was working I met

23:32

him at the groundlings in

23:34

like 1986 or something and

23:36

he was like a working

23:38

comedian you know it was

23:40

and he was he was

23:42

making like six thousand dollars

23:44

a week opening for Andy

23:46

Williams yeah Andy Williams right

23:48

and it was just I

23:50

couldn't believe it and then

23:52

I came across this This

23:54

commercial and you guys can

23:56

go to Adam Kroll.com. We

23:58

can go to YouTube and

24:00

check it out But it

24:02

was just fill up in

24:04

his prime do I think

24:06

it was a Bud Light

24:08

commercial. I mean I just

24:10

run it. This is my

24:12

buddy Philip when he was,

24:14

it was a Coors Light.

24:16

And how about something to

24:19

light it with? But there

24:21

is an easier weapon. You'll

24:23

find everything you need if

24:25

the cool is light your

24:27

favorite store. So thanks to

24:29

the silver bullet, you won't

24:31

get caught with everything up

24:33

in the air. This is

24:35

amazing to know that guy's

24:37

dead. It freaks me out.

24:39

He was just the most

24:41

vibrant, coordinated, to say he'd

24:43

do that on a unicycle.

24:45

Just incredible guy. One of

24:47

those guys who was just

24:49

so... Fucking comfortable in his

24:51

own skin, not cocky at

24:53

all. Just, you know, he'd

24:55

be one of these guys

24:57

where like you'd go, I

24:59

don't want to return the

25:01

omelet, you go, why shouldn't

25:03

you? It's your omelet, you

25:05

know, but he wouldn't go

25:07

like, fuck them, go, go

25:09

up and fucking tell that

25:11

person, or he wouldn't be

25:13

like, he would, he was

25:15

like, like, Not almost naive

25:17

in a certain way. It

25:20

was just so comfortable. He

25:22

was so easy everyone like

25:24

him so much the way

25:26

we should all be almost

25:28

innocent innocent. Yes, just a

25:30

great guy so Philip you

25:32

will be missed dearly my

25:34

friend and We will Love

25:36

to one of our fine

25:38

sponsors speaking of a guy

25:40

I love Jimmy Kimmel by

25:42

the way moving to 1135

25:44

Yeah, that's what happened to

25:47

that kid. He's resurfaced. Finally,

25:49

for 10 years in exile.

25:51

1135, and this is a

25:53

big GD deal. Finally, you

25:56

can tune into those E

25:58

specials, where are they now?

26:00

You don't have to worry

26:02

about seeing himself. 1135. This

26:04

is the best tip of

26:07

the camp you can get.

26:09

Put 10 years in, can

26:11

you believe it's been 10

26:13

years? New week is going

26:15

to kick off, by the

26:18

way, with Jennifer Aniston and

26:20

no doubt on Tuesday. Ryan

26:22

Gosling, Sophia Vergara, Brad Paisley,

26:24

Bruno Mars. That's just the

26:27

first week. Jimmy Kimmel Live,

26:29

1135, starting Tuesday. God bless

26:31

him, 10 years. Younger, smarter,

26:33

better looking, possibly thinner now.

26:35

There's a big billboard up

26:38

that we pass, big picture

26:40

Jimmy. It's freaky for my

26:42

kids because we go to

26:44

his house for the... Christmas

26:46

Eve thing and you know

26:49

he's all over him. Here's

26:51

your present son. Here's your

26:53

present. Here's your present. He's

26:55

the most gracious guy in

26:58

the planet. Do you have

27:00

he's serving them pasta Natality?

27:02

Do you have pasta? He

27:04

always makes pasta for the

27:06

kids and everyone else eats

27:09

the seafood and everything and

27:11

he does all the stuff

27:13

and then we're driving home

27:15

and there's a huge billboard

27:17

with him and I thought

27:20

I said to her, that's

27:22

a good one Natalia, that's

27:24

a good one, Jimmy Kimmel

27:26

Live, and she said, I'm

27:29

not kidding, and I was

27:31

like, all right, zero credit

27:33

now. But it's interesting how

27:35

the mind of a six-year-old

27:37

works and... Boy, does she

27:40

love her? Some Uncle Jimmy.

27:42

So, 1135, starting this Tuesday,

27:44

and it couldn't happen to

27:46

a better guy. All right,

27:48

quick break. Be right back.

27:51

News, more stories after this.

27:53

See if you can guess

27:55

which movie this famous line

27:57

is from. Aloha Mr. Hans.

28:02

If you said fast times at

28:04

Ridgemont High. Oh, oh, Mr. Hand,

28:06

you're correct. Now, back to the

28:08

show. People been tweeting me things

28:10

that annoy me all during the

28:12

break. One of them was the

28:15

pumpkin flavored eggnog and the various

28:17

varieties of flavors. This is, this

28:19

is exactly. If I could pinpoint

28:21

what went wrong, it's right now.

28:23

Eggnog is fucking eggnog. It's not

28:25

like I get to the store

28:27

in late December and go, oh,

28:29

thank Christ for the pumpkin eggnog,

28:32

because I topped off with the

28:34

regular eggnog in August. Because I'll

28:36

sit by the pool just drinking

28:38

a tumbler of eggnog. You know,

28:40

July, August, summer months, summer months.

28:42

You'll have eggnog. Honestly, I think

28:44

I consume, I average probably less

28:46

than three ounces of eggnog a

28:49

year. But there is one season

28:51

and one time when I actually

28:53

go, this seems like a good

28:55

idea, this incredibly high caloric thing

28:57

that ends with the word nog

28:59

and starts with egg. This is

29:01

the one time of the year

29:03

where this, I'm actually drunk enough

29:06

for this to work, and they

29:08

have flavored eggnog. Eggnog is eggnog

29:10

flavor. That's the flavor of eggnog.

29:12

It is its own flavor. It's

29:14

like, it's not, it's good. is

29:16

what we're gonna have like the

29:18

passion for root beer like root

29:20

beer fucking root beer you know

29:23

when they should introduce flavored eggnog

29:25

never but if that's not an

29:27

option then maybe in the summer

29:29

right when you can't get eggnog

29:31

but to choose flavored eggnog is

29:33

insane because that would mean you're

29:35

depriving yourself of eggnog there's a

29:37

small window right We're getting so

29:39

fucking stupid it's insane. Two things,

29:42

was wild cherry Pepsi like the

29:44

god, like the the forefather of

29:46

all of this? Because cola is

29:48

a flavor. I think cherry coke.

29:50

Or whatever, I'm saying, the cherry

29:52

cola. is what Yeah.

29:54

And then number

29:56

two, where do

29:59

you stand on

30:01

eggnog? I love

30:03

eggnog. amazing. two,

30:05

Eggnog, it's also on

30:07

Eggnog? I love off,

30:10

Eggnog, it's also...

30:12

So good. First off,

30:15

nutmeg is a crazy

30:17

and Nutmeg. First off,

30:19

Nutmeg. First off, or is

30:21

a noggin spices, so

30:23

If you take fresh

30:25

nutmeg a... you you it

30:27

over eggnog, it's fucking

30:29

delectable even though nutmeg

30:31

is good for nothing nothing

30:33

other than that. It's like like

30:35

invented invented that we had that

30:37

we had a to sell to sell nutmeg

30:39

the nutmeg board must have

30:41

just went down to like

30:44

Santa's workshop and went you must create

30:46

create a nog that we can be be

30:48

crushed know you know grated on

30:50

top of it. nutmeg cartel.

30:52

cartel yeah Not like not like there's

30:54

any nutmeg an an omelet, There's not like

30:56

anyone ever takes a sip of a

30:58

broth of stew and or know, it's

31:00

missing. you a little nutmeg. just a You

31:03

don't use nutmeg. You not much good for

31:05

anything, but over much good for anything, but over

31:07

the fucking eggnog. Just, and fresh

31:09

I think I think

31:11

nutmeg... pops up on some

31:14

of those custard -y pies. pies.

31:16

Isn't it like the coconut

31:18

custard? also put on also put on

31:20

top of know what I mean,

31:22

but rare what I mean? But carries

31:24

holiday drink that carries Nutmeg. The

31:26

eggnog, a rum in there there,

31:29

then the nutmeg. fucking

31:31

delicious. Not the Not the fucking the

31:33

way, pumpkin the way, is just

31:35

a pumpkin smoothie, isn't it? just

31:37

a pumpkin been trying to figure out what

31:39

that would taste like. All right,

31:41

so let's talk that would taste like.

31:43

All right, so my drink on

31:46

I got guys do on.

31:48

What'd you guys you do? for the New

31:50

what you do well, I made a rule

31:52

that I wasn't going to do a

31:54

rule that I then I almost broke But then

31:56

something, I would argue making that rule.

31:58

Well, that's something. did I? Yeah,

32:00

so it was actually probably the most

32:02

mellow but non-nothing year ever. Daniel and

32:04

I hung out and my friend Trevor

32:07

came over and then we were that

32:09

fun but awkward three somewhere at New

32:11

Year's I wondered who do I kiss.

32:13

I guess both you guys. Yeah, it's

32:15

always uncomfortable with that person where you're

32:17

just you kind of passed that you

32:19

got to kiss it and hug it

32:21

out with them a little bit but

32:23

you're not sure. Although we did the

32:25

early ball drop thing. New Year's, New

32:27

York Feed, yeah, New York Feed. The

32:29

kids buy it hook, line, and sinker.

32:31

They see the ball drop and then

32:33

they, pow, Brian, what'd you do? Well,

32:35

dinner party, the friends, but went over

32:37

to their house, we did a lot

32:39

of the hosting nowadays, but we love

32:41

doing it, but went over to their

32:44

house, but we love doing it, but

32:46

went over to their house, and I

32:48

thought to myself that I was leaving.

32:50

Is it your obligation as a friend

32:52

or as a host to have a

32:54

full bar? Well, I think, depending on

32:56

what most people, you know, I'm not

32:58

saying, you know. If you invite people

33:00

over. You're not saying Bailies, but I'm

33:02

saying. No, I had a similar problem.

33:04

You invite people over. Well, first off,

33:06

when you buy a house, it should

33:08

come with booze. Like, why not? the

33:10

least they could do. Well, I mean,

33:12

there's certain things, you know, we have

33:14

we have certain standards, it has to

33:16

have insulation in the walls and a

33:18

roof on the on the on the

33:20

top, and why not come with booze?

33:23

Yeah, you know, I mean, they have

33:25

an apartment, so there's a square footage

33:27

issue. I don't have like a ball

33:29

one. Yeah, it's up to every adult

33:31

to make like a Trader Joe's run

33:33

and get like just to bottle of

33:35

Scotch, bottle of Scotch, bottle of vodka,

33:37

750, you know, you know, you have

33:39

to get the big one have to

33:41

get the big one, and just to

33:43

get the big one, and just to

33:45

have to have to have to have

33:47

to have to have to have to

33:49

have to have to have to have

33:51

to have to have to have to

33:53

have to have to in case you

33:55

know folks like us come out of

33:57

the house. But yeah it is weird

33:59

when you get a hanker in for

34:02

a drink and then they're like well

34:04

I got a Bud Light and you're

34:06

like yeah that's not a Martini. Because

34:08

drinks are specific, especially those kinds of

34:10

drinks. If you want some whiskey or

34:12

that's your thing, then you want whiskey

34:14

and vodka, it will not suffice. You

34:16

want to know, you guys can just

34:18

picture poor Lynette. Just picture poor Lynette

34:20

for a second. We have a picture

34:22

in her. Okay. I'm going over to

34:24

poor Lynette. I'm going to Bill Simmons'

34:26

house for the first. Or the years.

34:28

Eastman. Come on over. Let's talk pats

34:30

and Brady. Go back! So I'm going

34:32

to go over there and it's just

34:34

me and Lynette and one other couple

34:36

and Bill and his wife Kerry who's

34:38

like I love her because she's just

34:41

a fucking cracker jack. She's like, let's

34:43

do it. Like her whole thing is

34:45

like, let's do it all the time.

34:47

And she's like, she's up for anything

34:49

all the time. So I said, all

34:51

right. So they just, they made a

34:53

new bar outside. We brought all the

34:55

kids and the kids were running around

34:57

and everything like that. And I said,

34:59

well, Bill and Kerry like Mangria and

35:01

I like Mangria. So I'm going to

35:03

bring them. booze my cocktail for these

35:05

guys and they just got a new

35:07

bar they just built like a new

35:09

teaky bar like out by their pool

35:11

and everything so I'm gonna christen it

35:13

with this and they got every every

35:15

accoutrement there and I said uh so

35:17

I said uh... Lynette I called her

35:20

on her cell phone I said yeah

35:22

we coming stop off I need a

35:24

bottle of rye Rye whiskey Canadian Rye

35:26

whiskey because that's what you used to

35:28

make the better man. I've never drank

35:30

Rye before and tell this but it

35:32

tastes very specific and it's very good

35:34

in this drink. So I said get

35:36

a thing and it's not the kind

35:38

of booze that people have lying around

35:40

the house. Rye. It's not a normal

35:42

whiskey cabinet. Rye liquor cabinet. So I

35:44

said yeah not the one that comes

35:46

with the apartment. Like when I'm in

35:48

charge. Yeah. So she comes home with

35:50

a thing of Canadian Rye. And

35:54

I look at this thing of Canadian

35:56

Rhine, it says Canadian Maple Rock. like

35:58

maple and she said I asked the

36:00

guy for rye and that's what he

36:03

gave me and that's all they had

36:05

and this is what they had in

36:07

the rye department so I put the

36:09

frying pan down slowly and I said

36:12

maple and she said that's what they

36:14

had they had a whole rye department

36:16

but they didn't have the only rye

36:18

this is it this is what they

36:21

gave me and I thought well it

36:23

is Canadian You know, Montreal has a

36:25

team called the maple leaves, but those

36:27

guys don't taste like maple. Or do

36:30

they? Tastes like cheese. They don't. Yeah.

36:32

No. So I said, well, maybe it's

36:34

a maple, like maple leaf, you know,

36:36

for the place where the birthplace of

36:39

the maple, but they're not saying it

36:41

tastes like a maple bar. This is

36:43

rye, for Christ's not fucking vodka for

36:45

black people. This is Canadians. This is

36:48

Canadians. These are professional alcoholics. They don't

36:50

fuck around. You know what I mean?

36:52

Yeah, and they need real alcohol. So

36:54

I was like, maple. Huh. All right.

36:57

Well, it's probably just the brand, like

36:59

maple brand Canadian Rye or something like

37:01

that. So I pack up my mangrian,

37:03

my maple rye. I get over there.

37:06

We don't have any lemons. Carry. can

37:08

do carry has a lemon tree in

37:10

the front yard and she's like one

37:12

of these people is like I just

37:15

love these people because I go you

37:17

have a lemon tree because we're making

37:19

a drink she's like we're making a

37:21

cocktail it's like good she's like good

37:24

with Chris in the bar like great

37:26

I said but do you have any

37:28

lemon juice I got a lemon tree

37:30

next you know she's coming like a

37:33

shirt full of lemons like it's not

37:35

that thing you know those people go

37:37

I think it's per You know those

37:39

people are like well we have a

37:42

tree but it's pretty dark and I

37:44

don't have a ladder and I don't

37:46

know if a lot of you know

37:48

she's like I'll go get them and

37:51

she's go get next you know she's

37:53

cutting them up and she's got I

37:55

got one of those squeezer things and

37:57

she's squeezing them and I'm pouring them

38:00

into a cocktail shaker not only that

38:02

they have a a quarter bottle of

38:04

rye. You want to talk about fucking

38:06

ready for Armageddon? So I'm like, oh,

38:09

you guys have rye. All right. So

38:11

I started dumping. She's like, how's your

38:13

man? So Bill loves this drink. She

38:15

loves to drink. I'm into it. Everyone's

38:18

drinking. Everyone's getting shit-faced. So much show

38:20

that we run out of the rye

38:22

whiskey. And now it's time to open

38:24

my maple rye. And I'm like, I'm

38:27

still praying that this is just... Rye

38:29

from the maple capital of the world.

38:31

Right now this is better worse Rye.

38:33

Start making the better man with the

38:36

maple rye and now it does taste

38:38

like the better man with a shot

38:40

of log cabin syrup on top of

38:42

it and I now I'm drunk and

38:45

I have to do 45 minutes on

38:47

the... People could we just have a

38:49

fucking flavor? Could we just have vodka

38:51

that tastes like vodka and ri that

38:54

tastes like ri and fucking eggnog that

38:56

tastes like eggnog? You're fucking up my

38:58

world. Meanwhile the ball drops. I'm screaming.

39:00

No, but people twitter me all the

39:03

time or tweet me all the time

39:05

or they go like, I thought I

39:07

bought a thing of, you know, fritos

39:09

and I got home and they were

39:12

zesty jiz. And it's like. Well, how

39:14

is that? I mean, if that's what

39:16

you have a hanger in for, it's

39:18

good, because they just put a little,

39:21

just a regular bag, which is a

39:23

little thing on the corner. And the

39:25

guy who was selling the maple rye

39:27

probably never sold a bottle of rind

39:30

his life, and my wife doesn't know,

39:32

and it looks like just whiskey, and

39:34

it's like, ah, you're fucking my world

39:36

up people, knock it off, get your

39:39

shit together in the new year. Was

39:41

a liquor store or a grocery store?

39:43

A grister carries maple rye but not

39:45

rye? According to... According to Lynette... Sorry,

39:48

I've kicked the horns ass. They were

39:50

out of rye. Oh! She could have

39:52

just been covering herself. Anyway, this is

39:54

what the guy handed her. And again,

39:57

I can't read all the... fine

39:59

print and when the

40:01

product comes from

40:03

Canada, Canada, maple sort of, you You

40:06

know what I'm I'm saying? You know, know, yeah, see,

40:08

see, thinking that the maple rye

40:10

is maybe just a nod to

40:12

the old country, but it's actually

40:14

rye it's me of rye flavored, reminds me of

40:16

when I ordered buffalo, buffalo,

40:19

buffalo. Buffalo chili or buffalo beef buffalo

40:21

meat chili or something where I thought where

40:23

I is just, they're making it like a

40:25

wild west themed chili. a wild then I

40:27

had a few bites and I thought and

40:29

weird tasting because it was I meat. is weird tasting

40:31

I'm the stupid person though who didn't

40:34

think, I'm the it was right there in the

40:36

name. who didn't think oh yeah it

40:38

was right didn't taste like all right

40:40

expect it didn't taste like I expected yeah

40:42

I uh I just I just of

40:44

a simpler day day we all got

40:46

the got the fucking flavor the specific I mean,

40:48

like I said, I coffee,

40:51

tea, tea, it's all it's all people.

40:53

Let's stick with the fucking

40:55

plan. with the it out on

40:58

Christmas plan. I have to reverse -law made

41:00

eggnog flavored cheesecake. um, my

41:02

is kind of the same

41:04

thing? Sort of, although I

41:06

wear very similar cheesecake, which is kind

41:08

of the same thing. Sort a sort

41:10

of substrate. take... I will accept

41:12

I will take cheesecake with

41:15

some cherry, whatever over

41:17

it, or blueberry, whatever over

41:19

it. it I will even

41:21

accept a pumpkin cheesecake.

41:23

I know I sound like

41:25

a I will I All right.

41:27

accept a pumpkin cheesecake much

41:29

more to complain about than like a

41:31

people on the phone. right yeah

41:33

so much more to

41:35

complain about then

41:37

there's you people

41:40

on the phone let's see

41:42

what's going on, baby

41:44

Hillary Hey, super excited. This is

41:46

the first time I ever called

41:48

I've taking my and This is amazing.

41:50

my call. is amazing. Thank you.

41:52

What's happening? Yeah, well, I was just

41:55

wondering, your opinion, given you

41:57

often rant about the current state

41:59

of strippers. and how they're all former

42:01

gymnasts who are gonna crush your

42:03

head with their, you know, 0%

42:05

body fat thighs. Yeah. What's your

42:07

opinion on burlesque dancing? Interesting. Or

42:09

have you ever seen a burlesque

42:11

show? Well, no, and a couple

42:14

of things. Yeah, the stripper thing

42:16

where Pat Benatar predicted this many

42:18

years ago when she told you

42:20

people to stop using sex as

42:22

a weapon. and hell is for

42:24

children. The strippers used to be

42:26

like curvy and had some bosom

42:28

and a little belly button on

42:30

them and now it's all just...

42:32

weird barbed wire tattoos and aggressive

42:34

piercings and just pulsating music and

42:36

everyone's fucking angry and everyone's drinking

42:38

a red bowl with something so

42:40

it's like you ratchet it up

42:42

the douche bag on whatever it

42:44

is you're drinking and the fucking

42:46

lap dance he's like the fucking

42:48

like you're fucking laps and nail

42:50

and their pussies and hammer one

42:52

more upside down lap dances too

42:54

oh that's that's all thing the

42:57

chicks are doing on the pole

42:59

and it's like Look, I'm not

43:01

a Russian judge, I'm here to

43:03

get a little boner and have

43:05

a couple of Miller lights and

43:07

go back and beat off in

43:09

the hotel room. I don't need

43:11

to be impressed by this. I

43:13

want to be impressed by how

43:15

good you look naked. If I

43:17

want to do this, I'll watch,

43:19

fucking watch gymnastics. I mean, there's

43:21

a lot of stuff where you

43:23

can, like, you've removed all the

43:25

sexuality from it and you've ratcheted

43:27

up the athleticism. It's tumbling. Right!

43:29

It's like, well I watch football

43:31

on Sunday because I want to

43:33

see guys being athletic. I come

43:35

in here to get a fucking

43:38

boner. Like, you go to a

43:40

strip club because you want to

43:42

go, hey, when you pick out

43:44

like you're stripping, look at this

43:46

one. Look at the, look at

43:48

it. No, not behind her, the

43:50

redhead. She's a fucking amazing. You

43:52

think those are real? Like, oh

43:54

my God, this chick did a

43:56

one-handed handspring. This is unbelievable. She

43:58

must have been on some sort

44:00

of scholarship where she blew out

44:02

her fucking ACO and it goes

44:04

for a spectacle of it. Women

44:06

would be going. Right. And appreciating

44:08

it. So I don't need that.

44:10

I don't need all the tattoos.

44:12

I don't need all the super

44:14

angry stuff. I don't need that.

44:16

The burlesque is sort of interesting,

44:18

but it's like, how much Cinemax

44:21

do guys who have access to

44:23

hardcore porn watch? Do you know

44:25

what I'm saying? Like, every one

44:27

of my friends would be like,

44:29

hey, do you hear Desire Island?

44:31

Three was on last night. It's

44:33

going to Desire Island, four. Same

44:35

two chicks, by the way. And

44:37

it's like, you know, you'd watch

44:39

all night to see a little

44:41

topless scene and whenever she makes

44:43

out with a native or something

44:45

like that. But then... Soon as

44:47

U-Porn came around, everyone all, fuck

44:49

that! I'm not gonna sit up

44:51

and watch Desire Island to see

44:53

some booby. We all forgot about

44:55

Emanuel as soon as U-Porn came

44:57

around. That's what I'm at point.

44:59

There used to be, there's Emanuel,

45:02

there's Emanuel, returns, Emanuel, like, lost

45:04

space to trial in Manuel. She

45:06

went out over the world. Yeah,

45:08

whatever Billy Jack movies there were,

45:10

there were the same for Emanuel.

45:12

Oh, she just died. I think

45:14

that was Belzer's wife. By the

45:16

way, this point where people are,

45:18

I need, I need movement in

45:20

that room. I think Sylvia Christel,

45:22

was her name, Emmanuel, was Belzer's

45:24

wife, Richard Belzer. I love him.

45:26

And except for his dog. And

45:28

he travels with the dog, which

45:30

is now. Well, now it's his

45:32

only companion. Oh, let's find out.

45:34

Find out if it's her Sylvia

45:36

Cristo By the way, how am

45:38

I unaware of this? Ask me

45:40

who Gerald Ford's vice president was

45:42

like when I'm fucking Wikipedia over

45:45

here dude the fuck do I

45:47

know but I'll tell you all

45:49

about Sylvia Christel and Emmanuel. A-K-A.

45:51

Yeah, Emmanuel. And we had, now

45:53

find me, figure out that's Belzer's

45:55

wife, number one, and then figure

45:57

out how many Emmanuel. So there

45:59

used to be, listen, that's a

46:01

franchise that made $200 billion because

46:03

there was no porn. But now

46:05

we have porn. These are like,

46:07

they're skin and max adult films

46:09

basically. Yeah, it's like, you know,

46:11

a lot of gauze hanging around

46:13

and wind blowing through curtains and

46:15

women, but no penetration. A lot

46:17

of saxophone. A lot of saxophone.

46:19

Not, you know, lots of boobies,

46:21

maybe a quick bath scene where

46:23

they get out of the tub

46:26

and they put the towel on.

46:28

You get a little vagina in

46:30

there, but it's not porn. Richard

46:32

Belzer. Wow. This is what I

46:34

think I know I want it

46:36

to be true. So I'm gonna

46:38

assume it is you want to

46:40

be true that Richard Belzer's wife

46:42

is dead Oh Hillary, it's not

46:44

what I mean. She's still there

46:46

to put on home Hillary. Oh,

46:48

sorry Yeah, so I don't I

46:50

don't I don't have any time

46:52

for burles because I know the

46:54

women are beautiful and I appreciate

46:56

the aesthetic of it, but now

46:58

I have porn This is true.

47:00

I think it seems like they

47:02

are serving two different purposes. I

47:04

was just wondering if you'd ever

47:06

seen them. I've never been to

47:09

a strip club, to be honest,

47:11

but I've been to a few.

47:13

You're sicking me. Oh, she's been

47:15

there a few burleshes shows. Yeah,

47:17

I mean, it's kind of its

47:19

own art form, and I sort

47:21

of look at it, like, you

47:23

know the guys that are trapped

47:25

in the 50s, they're serving two

47:27

different purposes. And they're driving, they're

47:29

driving, they're driving, there's a lot

47:31

of them, a lot of them

47:33

talking about, I got a murk,

47:35

a lot of mercury, I got

47:37

a murk, I got a 55

47:39

murk, I got more dice hanging.

47:41

Were dice ever that big in

47:43

the 50s or were we just

47:45

decided to, it's got a gear

47:47

shift? Three on the tree, but

47:50

it's a dice, there's a new

47:52

dice with flames coming off, I'm

47:54

tattooed, and then poor old ladies

47:56

forced to dress to dress the

47:58

same way, she's, she's, she's, and

48:00

And there's part of you that's like, of you going

48:02

on? And then there's part of you that's

48:04

like, I'm kind of secretly jealous that they're into

48:06

something that I just of into at all, like

48:09

that culture. something that I just not dudes are at

48:11

all, like the burles, culture, a stylistic choice

48:13

for every facet of your

48:15

life have a your hair to your

48:17

for every facet of your clothing. Oh,

48:19

hair to your apartment, to your clothing. Oh,

48:21

I got, oh, Lady Chatterley,

48:23

better. Lady Chatterley, who? Lady Chatterley too,

48:26

the trial of Lady of Lady

48:28

Chatterley. Well, that's another

48:30

one of those, one of

48:32

those, Oh, don't play

48:34

stupid with me, dude.

48:36

with me, dude. Lady Chatterley's lovers. Wow, these

48:38

movies must have been the inspiration for the inspiration

48:41

for the novel. Yes, Lady

48:43

Chatterley was the the

48:45

soft maybe a maybe a little before

48:47

but the But the point is,

48:49

is that's what we had. We

48:51

didn't have porn. porn. But that's what we

48:54

married. Belzer. Yeah, Belzer

48:56

married Lady Chatterly, not

48:58

Emmanuel. Sorry. Young Lady Chatterly

49:01

from 77. Oh, there's got to

49:03

be from 77. Oh,

49:05

there's gotta be 22 got to be

49:07

but there's gotta be more

49:09

Emanuel. Eventually Emanuel got to outer

49:12

space to outer then she fought

49:14

Lady fought Lady Chatterly. Oh my God. Emanuel, big

49:16

explosion. Yeah. Two titties came

49:18

together and sent her the ring.

49:20

two titties came together. Center of

49:22

really. Oh, it's nothing like that.

49:24

Not really. Not I'm wrong then well

49:26

they tell me in the tell

49:29

me in not do that, but

49:31

this really to not is but this really... This

49:33

egregious. First Emanuel was 74. So

49:35

Lady a full three years

49:37

after three years after Yeah, at the

49:39

beginning. Now at the Did you you that

49:41

you might have might both this

49:43

and porn? and porn? Or was it

49:45

an instant, like fuck this this

49:48

shit? shit? I think it it it'd be be

49:50

like you getting an iPhone and going,

49:52

I think I'll hang on to that Motorola

49:54

that flips open for another couple of

49:56

years, open another I don't think so. like

49:58

nah, I don't think so. Yeah. Now, uh... Yeah, there

50:00

was 22 Emmanuel made for TV

50:03

films. There were seven Emmanuel in

50:05

space? Seven! Wow! So she could

50:07

do all of these and not

50:09

literally be fucked out? No, I'm

50:12

sure she was... they did with

50:14

Emmanuel what they did with like

50:16

the band the coasters where like

50:19

you're sitting there you're sitting in

50:21

Laughlin watching the coasters like there's

50:23

a 26 year old guy in

50:25

the coasters they're seeing Charlie Brown

50:28

in 1950 that's from 1956 you

50:30

know like they just keep shuffling

50:32

the Manuel's in a quietly replace

50:35

and by the way parts like

50:37

minuto nobody's like I want those

50:39

old saggy tits this is bullshit

50:41

with this new 19 year old

50:44

like what we'll take him in

50:46

there are seven Emmanuels made for

50:48

TV in France Black Emanuel. That's

50:50

my favorite one. In Italy. Di

50:53

Emanuel. That was a film. That's

50:55

in Italy. Jesus. How have I

50:57

been unaware of this? I bet

51:00

you're Marvin Hagler was in there.

51:02

Why do you think it went

51:04

there? Emanuel series in France or

51:06

seven more and then there's other

51:09

19. I mean, I'm doing a

51:11

tally here of at least 65

51:13

Emanuels. At least. Didn't the Italians

51:16

have black smurfs? Like what's their

51:18

thing with like black versions of

51:20

American things? Interesting. Find out that.

51:22

Alright, I need I need know

51:25

how many Lady Chatterley were but

51:27

anyway soon as we discovered porn

51:29

like since it was real porn

51:32

Like I don't got time for

51:34

Lady Chatterley or her lover and

51:36

I don't give a fuck of

51:38

Emmanuel if it's Emmanuel in Adam's

51:41

asshole, I'd still go nah Not

51:43

tuning in French or the Black

51:45

Smurfs. Oh. I mean, how would

51:48

you even personally watch that? It's

51:50

a good point. And I'd be

51:52

like, I, all I'd do is

51:54

be going, I don't remember that.

51:57

Oh my God, I don't remember

51:59

that. I do not remember that.

52:01

It's definitely going to be a

52:04

lawsuit. Go, Daddy, baby. Go, Emmanuel.

52:06

Go lady chatterly Go daddy. They

52:08

got a deal baby two ninety

52:10

five just two ninety five you

52:13

get a domain name One lady

52:15

chatterly one like if the lady

52:17

chatterlies used up you can use

52:19

like one lady chatterly or ace

52:22

lady chatterly That's right you can

52:24

get up to three of them

52:26

seven ninety nine is what you

52:29

pay after that but again you're

52:31

just hoarding if you're using more

52:33

than three domain names each one

52:35

comes to the free one page

52:38

instant website personalized email and a

52:40

built-in photo album just enter the

52:42

promo code Adam two ninety five

52:45

and the number nine and the

52:47

number Five go daddy. I'll take

52:49

a quick break, but I need

52:51

some lady charity stats. Should we

52:54

take a quick break? We've got

52:56

news coming. All right, I will

52:58

tell you. I'm

53:01

pretty sure Lady Chatterly was dwarfed by

53:03

Emmanuel, but I'm still thinking the over-under

53:06

might be in the mid-teens on the

53:08

Lady Chatterly. Emmanuel's gone on father because

53:10

I'm familiar with that for my days

53:13

with cable, but I have Lady at

53:15

Lady at Lady Chatterland. Well, maybe, maybe

53:17

they just made a couple. We'll take

53:19

a quick break. We'll tell you all

53:22

about that. We'll do the news next.

53:24

four thousand little bucks lips with things

53:26

that bother me written all all over

53:29

them that's what I did that's how

53:31

I spent my holidays right now shit

53:33

that bothers me oh and let me

53:35

just tell you I went to Disneyland

53:38

today with the kids and I have

53:40

I could do an hour do you

53:42

bring bucks lips to Disneyland because that

53:45

would be smart yes the thing that's

53:47

folded I literally yes you really did

53:49

oh yeah smart I mean you could

53:52

do in your phone but I bring,

53:54

there it is, there it is. Sons

53:56

of Pussy, ran into Brian, Pusseine. Had

53:58

this weird, I don't even know. First

54:01

up, Disneyland is a weird place because

54:03

it's filled with super happy young kids

54:05

and then incredibly lost souls. Like we're

54:08

trying to recapture something that they can

54:10

never get back. They're either, now they're

54:12

in those larks or those motorized little

54:14

scooters or something, but you see that

54:17

like 61 year old guy with all

54:19

the buttons on his suspenders and all

54:21

this stuff for the woman. There's like

54:24

they're always a little bit obese and

54:26

kind of sloppy looking and you're like,

54:28

what? It's the obsession and what are

54:30

you trying to capture and how many

54:33

fucking cigarettes were put out on your

54:35

back as a seven-year-old for you to

54:37

live at this place now? You know

54:40

what I mean? Yeah, there's something so

54:42

sad about it. There's a weird, like,

54:44

your relationship with Disneyland should be the

54:46

same relationship. I've always said you should

54:49

have this with your phone. When your

54:51

phone rings, if you dive on it,

54:53

your life is horrible. Who's that? Finally,

54:56

some contact, some contact, somebody. But if

54:58

you stare over it while it's ringing,

55:00

like, oh man, I've pissed off a

55:02

lot of people and I owe the

55:05

rest of them money, like I ain't

55:07

picking that up, then your life's fucked

55:09

up. The greatest, and this is, you

55:12

know, I forget about, forget about whatever

55:14

the Dalai Lama says, and Tony Robin

55:16

says, the most put together, the most

55:18

self-actuated or actualized you could ever be,

55:21

is your phone just the day your

55:23

phone rings, your phone just the day

55:25

your phone rings rings And you just

55:28

go, I'm just picking it up because

55:30

it's ringing. Like not, who is that?

55:32

Oh boy. That is truly being, living

55:34

in the present. And that is, there's

55:37

not an ounce of baggage. I haven't

55:39

answered my phone since 1985. There's no

55:41

baggage. That is, you literally just go

55:44

and phone rings? I shall pick it

55:46

up because I have nothing. Disneyland, so

55:48

you, here's how you, here's how you,

55:51

here's how you should be with Disneyland.

55:53

Your thing with Disneyland should be, yeah,

55:55

okay, sure, for the kids, you know,

55:57

once a year, sounds good. But if

56:00

there's like, I can't go there, or

56:02

there's like, I must live there, that,

56:04

that's a problem. And I see the

56:07

people who want to live there when

56:09

you go there and it's like, what?

56:11

I know people who went on a

56:13

Disneyland honeymoon. Yeah, what, there is not

56:16

enough... The Disney cruise. Fuck and Pixie

56:18

Dust to fill the hole that is

56:20

inside your soul. Now, what should your

56:23

relationship with the holidays be? Because I

56:25

used to when I was a kid

56:27

I loved the holidays and I never

56:29

wanted to become one of those adults

56:32

who was dreading it and who couldn't

56:34

stand the sound of the music and

56:36

Who just couldn't wait for it to

56:39

be over and who like grew a

56:41

number of years in one season of

56:43

gift buying however This season I did

56:45

find myself kind of counting the minutes

56:48

till it was over and feeling like

56:50

what the fuck happened? and then there's

56:52

that part where you kind of lose

56:55

track of it a little in your

56:57

20s and 30s and then there's that

56:59

sort of it becomes about parting or

57:01

like when I was poor the whole

57:04

time it'd be like oh fuck I

57:06

got a windbreaker this is awesome you

57:08

know now for me there's nothing you

57:11

can get me that I won't have

57:13

thought of or bought myself for the

57:15

most part and so it's not there's

57:17

not a monetary side to it there

57:20

used to be a very practical monetary

57:22

side to the holidays like I get

57:24

shit twice a year my Christmas and

57:27

my birthday and that's fucking it my

57:29

super cheap shitty family so i'm gonna

57:31

get a set of forks for my

57:33

dirt bike and i'm getting them on

57:36

for christmas and i'll go by myself

57:38

and i just collect all the money

57:40

from everybody it was almost romantic well

57:43

now i have to live it through

57:45

my kids problem is this my wife

57:47

goes fucking berserk they make a list

57:50

and she gets them every and they

57:52

they start tearing

57:54

into everything don't they

57:56

don't even open the

57:59

box they tear

58:01

the wrapping paper off

58:03

They throw it

58:06

to the side my daughter

58:08

daughter day I

58:10

had a horrible day. she horrible. She was

58:12

a mess the whole day. realized I said to

58:14

my I realized, end I said to my

58:16

wife at the end, said, she don't do

58:18

this. I And she said, I'm not. I

58:20

know what you're talking about. I said, them

58:22

them so much shit that it lost all

58:24

meaning they they started to spin out a

58:27

little and they were just fucking unhappy like

58:29

the whole day because you need that,

58:31

oh, this is my one thing. I got

58:33

a train i got a you get a i'm

58:35

train sets, a completely lost all

58:37

meaning. I all into, into Mike,

58:39

i I think you might

58:42

have this picture somewhere. picture I

58:44

got up first, up I walked

58:46

up the stairs, i have an opening

58:48

like a a that looks down

58:50

into the living room. the I saw

58:52

these two. i saw these two first of

58:54

my off my daughter was in

58:56

such a present opening frenzy.

58:58

She opened all my opened all my shit

59:00

she opened everyone's fucking presence and she was like

59:02

a feeding shark her eyes a feeding her

59:04

eyes rolled back into her

59:06

head. one of one of its friend

59:08

sharks there's a frenzy a yeah like she's just

59:10

an just an opening frenzy. just

59:12

And she's just tearing into everything

59:14

and they were both were both moody

59:16

and bitchy all day them really one

59:18

of them really appreciated what

59:20

they had they they just wanted, there's

59:22

this Weird bad cycle, we just want

59:24

more, more want to go, to this is

59:26

a picture. a picture that's what what's my go

59:29

to got .com. I I woke

59:31

up. the place is just a

59:33

fucking sea of wrapping paper is just

59:35

a kids of wrapping paper and cardboard I say

59:37

all the time stuff is other problem is, as

59:39

I say all the time, stuff is

59:41

way too cheap. It's all just made

59:43

in China. of And everyone wants to kind

59:45

of be that good uncle or that

59:47

good agent or that good person. and

59:49

and also if it sets you back 14

59:51

dollars or or $11, I'll give him I'll give

59:53

him a big old fucking box a whole

59:55

whole bunch of cool plastic shit in

59:57

it. hot wheels and and that. and that. over.

59:59

it over. kids are are talking drowning in plastic

1:00:01

shit from China it means nothing to

1:00:03

them by the way it's a zero

1:00:06

it's it's a zero I've said it

1:00:08

a million times even me well a

1:00:10

they didn't earn it so it just

1:00:13

means it's zero every car with every

1:00:15

new car I get all the other

1:00:17

cars are worth a little bit less

1:00:20

in my mind in my heart it's

1:00:22

just the way it has to happen

1:00:24

with kids it has to It has

1:00:27

to. Soon as I saw that second

1:00:29

one come out, I was like, blooms

1:00:31

off the rose for the first one,

1:00:34

you know. But no, that was the

1:00:36

first thought I have. I, you know,

1:00:38

there's one guy, say it all the

1:00:40

time, he's got a fucking Mustang notch

1:00:43

back from 1966. It's worth... seven thousand

1:00:45

dollars but he's had it you know

1:00:47

he'll do that this is my bet

1:00:50

I wanted one of these when I

1:00:52

was in high school and then I

1:00:54

bought this one 20 years ago and

1:00:57

he every day just waxing that thing

1:00:59

in the drive she's my baby you

1:01:01

know every you know weekends down to

1:01:04

Bob's big boy with my baby you

1:01:06

know he loves that one car way

1:01:08

more than I'll ever love my 20

1:01:11

cars and yes if you have 10

1:01:13

kids There's no fucking possible way you

1:01:15

can love them all equally. Because you're

1:01:17

just a kid acquiring mode. Yes, you're

1:01:20

an acquiring mode and not appreciation mode.

1:01:22

They're an opening mode, not appreciation mode.

1:01:24

Much like rings of the phone. Is

1:01:27

there a sweet spot for cars or

1:01:29

kids? You know what I'm saying? Is

1:01:31

there some sort of like one, you

1:01:34

put too much tension on, but then,

1:01:36

you know, 20, you put enough? You

1:01:38

know, to me, boy and a girl,

1:01:41

good, done. And, you know, weird mistake

1:01:43

you have with the nanny eight years

1:01:45

on. If you had had... Done with

1:01:48

the family. Should have pulled out. If

1:01:50

you had had two boys or two

1:01:52

girls, would you have kept going? If

1:01:55

I... Oh, oh, no. No, no. I

1:01:57

wanted to stop at zero. You didn't

1:01:59

want to start. It's for me to

1:02:01

name my next book. Yeah. All right,

1:02:04

but so they... miserable because they got

1:02:06

way too many fucking toys and they

1:02:08

started spinning. It's like when you give

1:02:11

people everything they want and they don't

1:02:13

have to earn it, it has no

1:02:15

value, it has no meaning, but there's

1:02:18

also, there's no gravity anymore. What's interesting

1:02:20

that even at six material items aren't

1:02:22

filling an emptiness inside. No. And the

1:02:25

more material items you throw on top

1:02:27

of that, the more I think... Yes,

1:02:29

talk about all the time the car

1:02:32

that you worked all summer for busted

1:02:34

your ass and then bought a used

1:02:36

version of and now you're working on

1:02:39

it yourself blah blah blah means so

1:02:41

much more to the one just rich

1:02:43

daddy gets you it's insane it's insane

1:02:45

and I don't know why we don't

1:02:48

know that about human beings plus the

1:02:50

person you give the car too or

1:02:52

you give the tons of toys to

1:02:55

you're stripping away their self-esteem and and

1:02:57

ironically they're resenting you at some point

1:02:59

you at some point so Anyone, again,

1:03:02

whenever we talk about, hey man, why

1:03:04

don't you pay a little more to

1:03:06

give a little more to these people?

1:03:09

I'm like, I'm not doing it to

1:03:11

keep more money in my pocket, although

1:03:13

I'm not gonna argue with that. Giving

1:03:16

people shit, fucks them up. It fucks

1:03:18

them up. Giving kids, giving adults welfare,

1:03:20

fucks them up. I'm not saying. Bailing

1:03:22

them out of a tough situation factory

1:03:25

clothes divorced whatever like they're gonna you

1:03:27

know temporarily whatever but When the months

1:03:29

turn into years you erode that person

1:03:32

to the point where? They're not employable

1:03:34

and there's nothing wrong with them The

1:03:36

only thing is wrong with them is

1:03:39

that fucking pile of pumpkin flavored mush

1:03:41

that used to taste like brain between

1:03:43

their ears All right, shall we do

1:03:46

some news? Yes, the news with Allison

1:03:48

Rosen She'll read some news from her

1:03:50

iPad sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad

1:03:53

it's Allison Allison And when it's time

1:03:55

to wrap it up she'll sign it

1:03:57

off with zip it cut it's Allison

1:04:00

I'm sure the

1:04:02

fiscal cliff has

1:04:04

been sure the fiscal

1:04:06

cliff has been on both of

1:04:08

your minds, but thankfully the crisis

1:04:11

has been kind of. of

1:04:13

three hours before the midnight deadline on

1:04:15

January 1st. The Senate agreed to

1:04:17

a deal to avert the crisis.

1:04:19

crisis. Senate version passed two hours

1:04:21

after the deadline. The House of

1:04:23

Representatives approved the deal of hours later.

1:04:25

New Year's Eve, I was watching

1:04:27

Anderson and later. New Year's Eve, I was a

1:04:30

whole bunch of stuff, a whole

1:04:32

bunch of C and stuff. A whole bunch

1:04:34

of C-span-like stuff. So basically, You You know, okay,

1:04:36

Obama said that this deal protects

1:04:38

98 % of Americans and 97 %

1:04:40

of small business owners from a

1:04:42

middle a tax hike, tax hike while this is quote,

1:04:44

Republicans got everything they wanted. This

1:04:46

agreement is the right thing to

1:04:49

do for our country. they wanted, this

1:04:51

people are pretty unhappy with it

1:04:53

because the taxes are going to

1:04:55

go up, not as much as

1:04:57

they may have, but it because the 77

1:04:59

% of Americans, much as they may have, but about

1:05:01

77% of you know, look. their You

1:05:03

know, everyone thinks I'm a up. Dush, I

1:05:06

am perfectly fine with the perfectly fine

1:05:08

with the notion of now we have

1:05:10

money, now we have some

1:05:12

great schools and some great

1:05:14

roads and some public transportation

1:05:16

and we're living in a

1:05:18

crime crime-free, zone zone

1:05:20

and awesome. awesome. I I

1:05:22

don't think there's ever an amount you

1:05:24

can give the government that they won't

1:05:26

spend. that they won't way. I'm

1:05:28

I mean, way. I mean, I... I tend to

1:05:30

spend about what I make every year a

1:05:32

a lot of my friends are that

1:05:35

way way I have friends go from. from

1:05:37

75 grand grand a year to a million dollars

1:05:39

a year but still at the end of the year there end

1:05:41

of the year have the same amount

1:05:43

in the bank. the same amount in the

1:05:45

feel like the government will

1:05:47

spend everything, everything you know started it,

1:05:49

I don't know know what next to

1:05:51

nothing and they've been ratcheting up

1:05:53

over the years the years just

1:05:55

think they will spend will spend not

1:05:57

do a great do a great job spending.

1:06:00

they're given so the answer of

1:06:02

they need more money so they

1:06:04

can write this ship is never

1:06:06

going it's fundamentally flawed I don't

1:06:08

think there's amount that you can

1:06:10

give a school system that's ever

1:06:12

going to fundamentally I know you're

1:06:14

going to get a lot more

1:06:16

administrators and a more union people

1:06:18

and more this and more that

1:06:20

but if your test scores are

1:06:22

low you need to focus on

1:06:24

why your test scores are low

1:06:27

more money not going to write

1:06:29

that ship and as far as

1:06:31

the government goes bring it down

1:06:33

scale it They need to do

1:06:35

it, like they do, when they

1:06:37

do a rock song, where he

1:06:39

goes, all right now, he's like

1:06:41

he's jamming, he's going, all right

1:06:43

now, now take it down, take

1:06:45

it down, and the drummer, just

1:06:47

the thing, one thing on the

1:06:49

high hat. Not just a million,

1:06:52

that's tick down, lighters over your

1:06:54

head, gold lighters over your head.

1:06:56

I just don't think that there's

1:06:58

anything that we can give the

1:07:00

government that will ever, A, get

1:07:02

rid of the deficit, and B,

1:07:04

slow down their spending. More money

1:07:06

just means more hires, bigger, and

1:07:08

I don't think it means better.

1:07:10

So I'm fundamentally against the whole

1:07:12

taxing just because I think it's

1:07:14

anti-American. I really do think that

1:07:17

this country, it's really European thought.

1:07:19

It's really, we started this country

1:07:21

by saying, fuck you to this

1:07:23

taxation. And I understand, yeah, you

1:07:25

gotta kick in for roads and

1:07:27

you gotta kick in for the

1:07:29

military. But this endless debate on,

1:07:31

you know, enough, enough, enough. To

1:07:33

me, it's about the spending. Let's

1:07:35

figure out where it's going and

1:07:37

let's start fucking trimming the fat.

1:07:39

And I can tell you right

1:07:42

now, the people that are paying

1:07:44

in. right now, especially the huge

1:07:46

fucking gobs of money, are not

1:07:48

the problem. Like the focus is,

1:07:50

how do we get these people

1:07:52

who aren't the problem to kick

1:07:54

in more? That's the wrong focus.

1:07:56

whatever the problem

1:07:58

is. mean, if you

1:08:00

you go look.

1:08:02

I got a I got a basketball

1:08:04

team. team. Bryant Bryant 30

1:08:06

30 points. I got this the bench the

1:08:08

bench from Ukraine He's putting in three

1:08:11

points. How can I get Kobe to

1:08:13

get to 40 points? 40 points? Well Kobe's

1:08:15

already doing 30 game. I I don't think Kobe's

1:08:17

part of the problem. Yeah, but

1:08:19

he's so good so he's so capable. so

1:08:21

capable. Okay but but if we can

1:08:23

get the guy from the Ukraine

1:08:25

to get up to 12 points points

1:08:27

a game. You more shots. Vukovic to start taking

1:08:30

more shots and then everybody could

1:08:32

do it. Well then taking float

1:08:34

all our boats, isn't it? This

1:08:36

whole notion, it. Well and then you

1:08:38

say to Sasha, look, you wanna

1:08:40

put in some time after practicing?

1:08:43

whole notion and then you say If he

1:08:45

could get to 40, you such

1:08:47

a gifted athlete. some time after practicing?

1:08:49

No, no, no, let do the

1:08:51

heavy lifting! Well, House Speaker John

1:08:53

Boehner told told Senate Leader Harry Reid

1:08:55

to go fuck himself, which I

1:08:57

think is himself, pointed Reid is said,

1:08:59

go fuck yourself. And then Reid

1:09:01

said, what are you talking about?

1:09:03

And then Boehner go fuck go And then Reid

1:09:06

said, what are think these guys are

1:09:08

punchy. then Boehner again said, I

1:09:10

can Wow. I think you this.

1:09:12

are punchy. Yes. Now I can tell this.

1:09:15

Disneyland. I had had a thought This had to

1:09:17

bring my little had with me. my little

1:09:19

buckslet with me. Disneyland. is

1:09:21

exquisitely crowded.

1:09:24

It is crowded. It's, they

1:09:26

don't put a cap. They should they

1:09:28

don't put a cap. a They

1:09:30

should put a cap, like

1:09:32

a bar. and fire marshal, 250 marshal, 250

1:09:34

people. They'll let in as

1:09:36

many motherfuckers as they can let

1:09:38

in to that place. in And

1:09:40

place. the weight over the Pixar

1:09:42

the Pixar cars ride will be three

1:09:45

hours. hours. I I mean, would be hour wait, it

1:09:47

be an hour half wait. a You'll

1:09:49

go into that place and you and

1:09:51

your family, you and the way, spent who by the

1:09:53

way spent 120, bucks a ticket. you will

1:09:55

You will stand in line for two

1:09:57

hours. Oh, Matterhorn's only 55 minutes, maybe.

1:09:59

to go over there. But I mean,

1:10:02

when is the last time you

1:10:04

stood in line for an hour

1:10:06

and a half? I mean, this

1:10:08

is not to get fucking who

1:10:10

tickets, you know, when you're 14

1:10:12

and camped out in front of

1:10:14

the music plus. That was the

1:10:16

last time. As the Osborne. So

1:10:18

here's the deal. Here's your choice.

1:10:20

Here's all you got. You can

1:10:22

buy a valet. You can buy

1:10:24

a cute chick who walks you

1:10:26

to the fucking front of the

1:10:28

line. How much is that cost?

1:10:30

Fuckin' bucks an hour with they

1:10:32

don't put the fucking part in

1:10:35

that's me I add the fucking

1:10:37

okay in between the three and

1:10:39

the five oh it's 350 bucks

1:10:41

an hour it's a six-hour minimum

1:10:43

so you do like that but

1:10:45

your choice is go to Disneyland

1:10:47

with your family and never ride

1:10:49

the new cars ride and never

1:10:51

ride whatever or just hey You

1:10:53

want to go to the haunted

1:10:55

mansion? You want to go to

1:10:57

pirates? The fucking line is you

1:10:59

can't see the end of it.

1:11:01

And if that's your idea of

1:11:03

a vacation or family fun or

1:11:05

whatever. Did you do this? I'm

1:11:07

like, look, my wife basically said,

1:11:09

look, we didn't go anywhere this

1:11:11

year. We can go to Hawaii.

1:11:13

We didn't do anything. And we

1:11:15

will go down there and you'll

1:11:17

just stand in line. That's all

1:11:20

you'll do. I got a discount

1:11:22

through like ABC or something like

1:11:24

275 bucks an hour But it's

1:11:26

like that's it or don't go

1:11:28

and I said Fine, but I

1:11:30

had all kinds of questions I

1:11:32

was like I don't want to

1:11:34

just walk up to the front

1:11:36

of the line with my person.

1:11:38

I don't feel weird about it

1:11:40

and Lynette said, oh no, you

1:11:42

go around the back. And I

1:11:44

was like, huh? They have like

1:11:46

a separate door or something. I

1:11:48

thought, oh, this is good. Well,

1:11:50

it turns out you go in

1:11:52

through the exit. They walk you

1:11:54

in through the exit. And it's

1:11:56

a, it's, it's, it's a. scam,

1:11:58

it's a deal.

1:12:00

deal, it's they oversell their

1:12:03

amusement park to the point

1:12:05

park to the point where people want

1:12:07

normal people wanna wait in line for three

1:12:09

hours, you but then but the fuck can afford

1:12:11

this? afford But like the airlines. like the but I

1:12:14

was just like, oh, you know what? Fuck

1:12:16

it. like oh you know the

1:12:18

it I'm biting the bullet now

1:12:20

You're in there. there couple of good

1:12:22

moments, know, we're like you hours in two hours

1:12:24

like, I'm hungry. And I'm like, I'm hungry and

1:12:26

I'm not. oh we're on the clock. the we're

1:12:28

on the clock. And she's like, well, I

1:12:30

want to eat. The kids want to

1:12:32

eat. I'm going to get in line over

1:12:34

at the at the hot dog over here. And

1:12:36

I was like, you, sweetie, you take the

1:12:38

kids up the space mountain. We'll wait

1:12:40

in wait in line a certain a certain point, and and

1:12:42

Lynette came back from the line and she

1:12:44

was holding a water. holding a water And I was was

1:12:47

like Did I buy that? Because you're

1:12:49

you were in line for 20

1:12:51

minutes, which is $100. And it's like, oh yeah. And

1:12:53

like, it's like, was like, we'll

1:12:55

go to like, buy you at We'll go

1:12:57

to the blue she'll get us in and I'm like,

1:12:59

you she'll get us in and I'm

1:13:01

like, We showed get it. She's off

1:13:04

at a .30. We showed up at 12

1:13:06

.30. There's a six at minimum. going to

1:13:08

but can't we eat at then you We're gonna be hungry and

1:13:10

then you have to go back and do the podcast. the

1:13:12

like. Not while she's

1:13:14

standing around making money like

1:13:16

a fucking attorney. fucking attorney. Yeah,

1:13:19

I mean We'll have fun,

1:13:21

have fun. God damn it I mean the

1:13:23

dream team didn't cost as

1:13:25

much cost as much was like

1:13:27

like But ultimately it's the

1:13:29

old doesn't fit you must

1:13:31

acquit. It's the only the only way

1:13:34

you can do it if you want

1:13:36

to go this time of year of go

1:13:38

on rides on go on rides if

1:13:40

you you're kids just wanna go to

1:13:42

at fat people, walk walk around those larks

1:13:44

or cuzoos or or whatever. If you If

1:13:46

you just wanna make fun of

1:13:48

the broken people and the little

1:13:50

people, the that's fine. But if you

1:13:52

think you're going on the new

1:13:54

Pixar, on, the you know, you theme,

1:13:57

whatever, you are about three hours. I

1:13:59

So, mean, literally... You could get there at

1:14:01

noon and you could stand in line until

1:14:03

2.30 and then, I mean, you do two

1:14:05

rides to hold in an eight or nine

1:14:07

hour period. You do three or four rides.

1:14:09

Can anyone get this valet if they have

1:14:11

the money? Anyone who wants to pay 350?

1:14:13

Because they don't make this known. It is,

1:14:15

it's kind of like in and out burger.

1:14:17

Do we tip this person? Like this girl's

1:14:19

really sweet and she said Yeah, give her

1:14:21

you know 25 bucks and then I she

1:14:23

said 25 bucks and then she thought about

1:14:25

it and then she went or like you

1:14:27

know 15 20% like what a meal would

1:14:29

be and that's $400 She's like oh Because

1:14:31

now it's weird What do you tip them

1:14:33

based on the two grand? You can't do

1:14:35

it based on the two grand. I never

1:14:37

know what to tip when something is really

1:14:39

overpriced. Not that the valet thing is overpriced.

1:14:41

I literally just said to her, do you

1:14:43

take tips? And she said, yes. And I

1:14:45

said, oh, and I said, that's kind of

1:14:47

a little weird. I mean, say this to

1:14:49

her, but I didn't know. I said, I'm

1:14:51

just saying, Disney is like one of those

1:14:53

places where you'd think they'd think they'd say,

1:14:55

they'd say, they'd say, they'd say, No, like,

1:14:57

you think they'd have a policy? You couldn't

1:14:59

give a guy $20 to get on the

1:15:01

Matterhorn a little early, or even when you

1:15:03

got out the Matterhorn, you just gave a

1:15:05

guy 20 bucks. Yeah, and it'd be a

1:15:07

huge money shaver. And she said, well, we

1:15:09

didn't use to. And I thought, I miss

1:15:12

those days. Evidently, this has been going around

1:15:14

since like 98. Like, Walt Disney used to

1:15:16

do it himself, like for, you know, President

1:15:18

Reagan, or whoever back. Spiro Agno. Welcome to

1:15:20

my world. Right, but now you can buy

1:15:22

it. So basically what they're saying is, is,

1:15:24

uh, hey, Rich Whitey, you wanna go to...

1:15:26

Disneyland and you want to fucking stand in

1:15:28

a two-hour line? Pay up. And then I

1:15:30

realized, all right, and I was the one

1:15:32

who was paying, so I was like, you

1:15:34

fucking kids are going to enjoy every one

1:15:36

of these kind-dam roller coasters all back at

1:15:38

you. And I was going nuts, but then

1:15:40

I walked out there and I thought to

1:15:42

myself, well, this is a little microcosm of

1:15:44

the world. This is costing me. $2,000 and

1:15:46

it's costing everyone else here $125. And it's

1:15:48

basically costing me, I was there for six

1:15:50

hours, so anyway, it's basically, it's costing me

1:15:52

350 bucks an hour and it's costing you

1:15:54

guys $15 or $20 an hour and because

1:15:56

Disney's a business. They recognized my $2,000 and

1:15:58

that $2,000 gets me to the front of

1:16:00

the line if I don't want to pay

1:16:02

it Then I can get to the back

1:16:04

of the line, but then I thought to

1:16:06

myself The only thing that doesn't work this

1:16:08

way is this government like that would be

1:16:10

everyone going half the people got in for

1:16:12

free The other half paid $40 some people

1:16:14

paid six dollars I paid $9,000 and everyone

1:16:16

said get to the back of the line

1:16:18

and I went hey fuck that I paid

1:16:20

$9,000 I want to get to the front

1:16:22

of the line and then they took a

1:16:24

bunch of people paid nothing and they went

1:16:26

you think you're better than me and as

1:16:28

a matter of fact we're gonna take a

1:16:30

vote and we think you should be paying

1:16:32

$10,000 to get into this amusement park and

1:16:34

I was like why I'm already paying nine

1:16:36

and they're going maintenance takes a lot of

1:16:38

maintenance this place takes a lot of upkeep

1:16:40

and I'm like Okay, I can dig it,

1:16:42

but you're getting nine for me and everyone

1:16:45

in front of me in line is paying

1:16:47

somewhere between zero and three dollars So why

1:16:49

am I the fucking problem? Why? Because you

1:16:51

have more money at home And it's like

1:16:53

yes, I do but I already paid nine

1:16:55

grand and I'm in the fucking same amuse

1:16:57

Park and I'm using the same bathrooms and

1:16:59

I'm waiting in the same line. I mean

1:17:01

there is an element where you go to

1:17:03

the front line and you go all right

1:17:05

I paid two grand for six hours but

1:17:07

at least I know what I'm getting. This

1:17:09

is pay two grand stand in the back

1:17:11

of the line and by the way shut

1:17:13

up. No one wants to hear you complain

1:17:15

about paying $9,000 and standing in the back

1:17:17

of the line. That is never really going

1:17:19

to work. That process is never going to

1:17:21

work. Those people are paying. Right, because you're

1:17:23

not, no one is acknowledging how much you're

1:17:25

paying in. At the very least, you'd want

1:17:27

to like thank you or something that's to

1:17:29

make you feel special. And the, everyone is

1:17:31

put in zero, let's take a vote and

1:17:33

see how much that guy, that guy's going

1:17:35

to stop showing up. He's moving. It happens

1:17:37

in England. People go, fuck it. I can't

1:17:39

handle it. 75% tax or whatever. Everyone who

1:17:41

makes a nickel goes, fucking, I'm out of

1:17:43

here. It gets people not to go. And

1:17:45

I, and it certainly doesn't feel good as

1:17:47

a person who paid nine grand to get

1:17:49

into Disneyland when all the money gets pooled

1:17:51

and it all goes into maintenance on the

1:17:53

matter horn to get the fucking finger point

1:17:55

at me and going, why aren't you paying

1:17:57

your fair share? When I'm in the back

1:17:59

of the fucking line. So, Disneyland works exactly

1:18:01

how society should work, is exactly how everything

1:18:03

works, every hotel, everything, every car dealership, everything

1:18:05

on the planet works, except for our government,

1:18:07

which is, you want to get to the

1:18:09

front of line? Pay too brand? What if

1:18:11

you were assigned a government-issued valet who was

1:18:13

just a cute blonde chick to get you

1:18:15

in the front of the line and the

1:18:17

DMV? Get you out of tickets? Yeah. But

1:18:20

then you'd have to tipper her? And I'd

1:18:22

call her up? And I'd be like Dakota?

1:18:24

Listen, that would be her name. I know

1:18:26

the trash in a Friday's normally trash day,

1:18:28

but I got all this Christmas stuff like

1:18:30

in there and I was kind of hung

1:18:32

up. And I didn't

1:18:34

bring the cans out

1:18:36

on Friday. So anything

1:18:38

can get on the

1:18:40

blower there and get

1:18:42

the guys to come

1:18:44

by like on Sunday

1:18:46

or something Like that.

1:18:48

Thanks, sweetie. Love you

1:18:50

Love you. Love you.

1:18:52

That'll be so cool

1:18:54

if you could do

1:18:56

that right and then

1:18:58

I would never I

1:19:00

wouldn't get parking tickets

1:19:02

Or any I'd be

1:19:04

in the Platinum Club

1:19:06

in other words of

1:19:08

this country I would

1:19:10

be completely cool by

1:19:12

the way if paying

1:19:14

in Over 300 grand

1:19:16

just got you into

1:19:18

the Platinum Club and

1:19:20

you just didn't get

1:19:22

chicken shit parking tickets

1:19:24

or anything You didn't

1:19:26

get your own fighter

1:19:28

jet to fuck around

1:19:30

with But you didn't

1:19:32

get like you didn't

1:19:34

get the front of

1:19:36

the V line and

1:19:38

no parking ticket Those

1:19:40

things were incentivized if

1:19:42

you could pay extra

1:19:44

to skip the DMV

1:19:46

line People would do

1:19:48

that and that would

1:19:50

be a way to

1:19:52

generate revenue And I'm

1:19:55

sure there's a reason

1:19:57

why this can't happen

1:19:59

But I don't know

1:20:01

what it is or

1:20:03

if you could pay

1:20:05

extra on a parking

1:20:07

ticket and that got

1:20:09

you a couple freebies

1:20:11

All right, the choice

1:20:13

again Disney just goes

1:20:15

look you want to

1:20:17

pay 125 bucks you

1:20:19

can stand in line

1:20:21

one pay two grand

1:20:23

you can go to

1:20:25

the front of line

1:20:27

that'll be your choice

1:20:29

and It'll be just

1:20:31

like first class The

1:20:33

difference is now we

1:20:35

resent the person who's

1:20:37

going to the front

1:20:39

of the line But

1:20:41

that person's money is

1:20:43

subsidizing this entire affair

1:20:45

now. I'm gonna resent

1:20:47

the person going in

1:20:49

through the exit I've

1:20:51

seen that happen at

1:20:53

Disneyland and I just

1:20:55

assumed. Oh that person

1:20:57

must have like left

1:20:59

their watch in the

1:21:01

ride or something Yeah,

1:21:03

I will I will

1:21:05

tell you that none

1:21:07

I walked in every

1:21:09

single one of them

1:21:11

totally self -conscious going. Where's

1:21:13

my watch? Where's that

1:21:15

goddamn watch? That was

1:21:17

my grandfather's watch He

1:21:19

put it up his

1:21:21

ass during World War

1:21:23

two. No, Vietnam. No

1:21:25

first World War two

1:21:27

No, I was weird

1:21:30

cuz you are walking

1:21:32

to the front of

1:21:34

the line through the

1:21:36

exit, but look there

1:21:38

are business there Like

1:21:40

that they make money

1:21:43

Well Kim Kardashian

1:21:45

is pregnant Huge news for

1:21:47

people who follow Kim Kardashian and

1:21:49

Kanye people are calling them

1:21:51

Kim. Yay All

1:21:53

right, listen, this is one of those things where

1:21:55

if we don't have one we don't have

1:21:58

one, you know benefit was one thing And

1:22:00

And there was like a like a J-something,

1:22:02

worked a little, but now they're so

1:22:04

fucking forced. worked a You

1:22:07

know what I'm saying? Oh yes. so

1:22:09

fucking forced. Yeah. You know, Look, know what a

1:22:11

good one, then there's a good one

1:22:13

and there's not, look, if on. Mm a

1:22:15

good you know then there's a enough

1:22:18

time in my day to say

1:22:20

not, it's Kanye. on. You know,

1:22:22

speaking of. I got Sounds like. in

1:22:24

my day kind of cabbage dish.

1:22:26

Kaniy. Yeah. Yeah, some some sort of

1:22:28

weird weird Korean bitter cabbage -based dish, yeah. People

1:22:30

tell you're gonna like it, but you

1:22:33

don't like it. tell oh, you'll love it.

1:22:35

It smells like farts. but you of some point,

1:22:37

they weave their mom into it. Well,

1:22:39

if you had it the way my mom

1:22:41

made it, what's your answer gonna be?

1:22:43

Oh, that dead cunt? point, they weave their mom

1:22:45

into it. Well, the kitchen. you had

1:22:47

it the way my it's always like don't play that

1:22:49

if you know if you had it the

1:22:51

way my mom used to Please.

1:22:54

Speaking of word things, I was of today

1:22:56

I heard I was thinking today, I

1:22:58

heard someone say, I've if you believe

1:23:00

that then I've got some oceanfront property

1:23:02

you you Yuma. And I and I was -

1:23:04

Then a while hadn't heard it I hadn't heard

1:23:06

it in a while, I but every time I hear

1:23:08

it, it's one time too many. I don't need

1:23:10

to ever hear that ever again, and I wanted to

1:23:12

know what your opinion of that is. of that is. And

1:23:14

Because here's the thing, I feel like when people say

1:23:17

that, they always say that with like a little

1:23:19

smirk in their voice, as if they think they're clever,

1:23:21

but they're not. It's just as if but

1:23:23

not clever. clever but they're

1:23:25

you to know cliche

1:23:28

but not Lynch, remember to

1:23:30

standing backstage in

1:23:32

were standing backstage club. Agora at

1:23:34

the club and out of it,

1:23:36

Mike Mike August you can just can

1:23:39

just say August August, and I told

1:23:41

you told you guys that Is this his

1:23:43

second second weeks, for three weeks, we've

1:23:45

been talking about having the stake with

1:23:47

Nick with Nick three weeks, and

1:23:49

I walked backstage, he was taking the

1:23:51

last bite of a huge steak

1:23:53

dinner. dinner. And I said, Mike, was there a rib eye?

1:23:55

Was big steak. steak? today about it.

1:23:58

he's like, about it. forgot. he's like, oh yeah, forgot. Who

1:24:00

orders a steak dinner at a club?

1:24:02

It's basically a music club. You know,

1:24:04

you get the chicken fingers and at

1:24:07

best fries, curly fries, you know. Here's

1:24:09

a full steak, anything free, probably the

1:24:11

most expensive thing. And he looks at

1:24:13

me and Mike, he stands because, that

1:24:16

was a horrible steak. And we're like,

1:24:18

yeah, and he goes, you could still

1:24:20

see the whip marks from where the

1:24:23

jockey hit it. And Mike and I

1:24:25

just stared at him. And I said,

1:24:27

Mike, you don't think we've both heard

1:24:29

that joke a thousand times. Ronnie Dangerfield

1:24:32

told it. I'm sure guys from the

1:24:34

Borsh belt told it. You know, that

1:24:36

thing has to go back to vaudeville.

1:24:39

Number one. Number two, who are you

1:24:41

talking to? a couple of guys with

1:24:43

learning disabilities like at the salesman convention

1:24:45

you're talking to the funny guy and

1:24:48

then the other funny guy who you

1:24:50

go out and do funny with and

1:24:52

who hate stupid jokes especially ones that

1:24:55

have been told by other people a

1:24:57

million times and I don't know I

1:24:59

had to have a five-minute conversation about

1:25:01

what the why the fuck did you

1:25:04

have this with August oh yeah well

1:25:06

he had August What'd he say? But

1:25:08

yeah, as if neither of us could

1:25:10

have possibly ever seen Caddy Shack. It's

1:25:13

not something that would have been required

1:25:15

to watch for either of us. Right.

1:25:17

No, no. You can say whatever you

1:25:20

want to his face. So what did

1:25:22

he say? What can you say to

1:25:24

someone going, did you really think either

1:25:26

one of us? What do you think

1:25:29

we're going to do? Like laugh? I'll

1:25:31

be a muse or go, that's a

1:25:33

good one, I'm going to write that

1:25:36

down and work it into my set

1:25:38

or did you think of that yourself

1:25:40

or we're both just going to stare

1:25:42

at you and then along like... He

1:25:45

finished the last bite of a steak

1:25:47

and then started on the cheesecake and

1:25:49

ordered sushi and a shrimp cocktail for

1:25:52

dinner. Because he couldn't know like range

1:25:54

went to Mastros and ordered sushi and

1:25:56

he would have

1:25:58

done turf and turf

1:26:01

would have done turf did

1:26:03

the turf. cocktail and the

1:26:05

big to Mastras? That's my

1:26:07

and then... He went to Mastros?

1:26:09

That's my favorite. Look out of it.

1:26:12

I works, like, mean,

1:26:14

works. I mean honestly I we were talking

1:26:16

about this. can't remember talking about

1:26:18

anymore, but... can't walking through

1:26:20

Fresno! through Fresno and he's

1:26:23

like club called to try

1:26:25

to make the gonna try to make the better

1:26:27

man. Yeah yeah they need ginger. ginger.

1:26:29

Ginger? Yeah, they need ginger. Better man

1:26:31

doesn't Yeah, they need ginger. in it. You sure?

1:26:33

Because doesn't have a ginger in it. I said, well

1:26:36

because they need saying that, but no, no, said,

1:26:38

well, they're saying that. she was like, well,

1:26:40

he did this thing, I they don't need it. is

1:26:42

swimming, so if, he was like. if I said

1:26:44

this again. He did he did this thing, he

1:26:47

goes, my camera, to head is cards and me if I

1:26:49

said of the He did this thing where he goes,

1:26:51

can just go I got to drink cards in the

1:26:53

trunk of the rental car so we can just

1:26:55

go ahead and look at the ingredients on those we

1:26:57

said, we don't, we don't. We don't need

1:26:59

to do it. I was there when

1:27:01

the drink was invented. It's rye, not

1:27:03

maple rye. It's lemon juice. It's a rye.

1:27:06

sugar and it's juice. It's There's no

1:27:08

ginger in it. I've had 20 of

1:27:10

them. I was there when they

1:27:12

were made. no There's no ginger. I've had

1:27:14

20 of when we get back to

1:27:16

the car, we'll take a look at the, they

1:27:19

were I'm pretty sure I heard no ginger. like,

1:27:21

we don't need to look at in the car. like,

1:27:23

well, why is the club guy bringing it

1:27:25

up? Like, this is Mike, this is your favorite

1:27:27

drink. You've had 50 of these fucking things.

1:27:30

It doesn't taste like ginger, ginger fairy taste

1:27:32

like And no, I don't know if

1:27:34

the guy just had a little brain

1:27:36

fart or whatever. no. I Why are

1:27:38

you, know if this conversation. had a then

1:27:40

later on that night he's like, check

1:27:42

the drink or no ginger. Why are

1:27:44

you? Why are we having

1:27:46

this conversation? He's

1:27:48

my room then later on

1:27:51

that night, on with people? check

1:27:53

the What's up? There's people

1:27:55

and there's ginger. He's a good guy, like him

1:27:57

a lot. It's a That's a good point, but

1:27:59

you could say to him. Mike, how much do we

1:28:01

make in the second part of

1:28:04

the first quarter in, you know,

1:28:06

2010 and he'd ring it up

1:28:08

on his computer and tell you,

1:28:10

boom, net or gross? He'd be

1:28:13

like that. But yet, Ginger. You

1:28:15

might hold back your New Year's

1:28:17

resolution. That's the new, but I

1:28:20

love him. That's the news. I'm

1:28:22

Allison Rosen. All

1:28:27

right, it was Adam Cooler Show 984. Come up

1:28:29

next, we have Adam Cooler Show 1233. Allison Rosen,

1:28:31

Brian Bishop 2014. Hope you guys enjoy. All right,

1:28:33

someone's got a question for Brian about picking the

1:28:35

drops, but you can go to top drop, right?

1:28:37

Just go to Twitter and, yeah, use the hashtag

1:28:39

top profit on yours, and I'll use the best

1:28:41

one every day for a little shout-up. All right.

1:28:43

Also. And I'm not sure if that means how

1:28:45

do you pull them how do you decide on

1:28:47

them or how do you get them John's question

1:28:49

quickly Yeah, I guess I'll keep in my tradition

1:28:51

of being a dick on this show and ask

1:28:53

Brian You use your drops a lot and some

1:28:55

of them you use them more and more How

1:28:57

do you know when to retire a drop and

1:29:00

how come you're not like with the internet out

1:29:02

there you can get you shut your mouth when

1:29:04

you're talking to me? I'm sorry John you were

1:29:06

saying it was really interesting. Yeah, I was wondering

1:29:08

how you go about picking them because I hear

1:29:10

different ones all the time. This is amazing. I'll

1:29:12

never hear them again. And some of them are

1:29:14

really funny and I just wanted what your process

1:29:16

is because I went to Top Drop and suggested

1:29:18

one and somebody else suggested it too and never

1:29:20

got picked. I just kind of wanted what your

1:29:22

process is. Just literally for picking the top drop

1:29:24

or for picking drops that I use. Ah, whatever.

1:29:26

Well, to answer the... What I think is his

1:29:28

real question is, if I hear something funny or

1:29:30

something that makes me laugh out of context or

1:29:32

I think, oh, that would make something embarrassing for

1:29:35

somebody, that always becomes a drop, or at least

1:29:37

the drop at the end of that show. And

1:29:39

if it sticks, you know, like at the Ace

1:29:41

Awards, we heard the best... drops of

1:29:43

the air, if it

1:29:45

sticks, then it's a drop

1:29:47

that, you know, makes

1:29:49

its way into the regular,

1:29:51

uh, routine. routine. I,

1:29:53

uh, uh, speaking of sounds

1:29:55

like your thing. Sorry

1:29:57

to interrupt. It's like your

1:29:59

thing with, you know,

1:30:01

life is a, uh, rummy

1:30:03

hand, you know, pick

1:30:05

the best ones and they're

1:30:08

probably a lot from

1:30:10

the old days. I don't

1:30:12

use And there are

1:30:14

a lot of new ones.

1:30:17

So funny, um,

1:30:19

last night had dinner.

1:30:22

And, uh, do tell.

1:30:25

So there already.

1:30:27

had dinner uh, with Vince

1:30:29

Vaughn and his wife and

1:30:31

my wife. Uh, pleasure, There's

1:30:33

walked to a restaurant.

1:30:35

and the whole time. you

1:30:38

know when you're bringing someone to a

1:30:40

restaurant, you're talking up. like somehow you

1:30:42

discovered this place even though it was

1:30:44

there and it will be there and

1:30:46

they don't need you and all that

1:30:49

kind of stuff but you get to

1:30:51

be the person that goes, Oh yeah,

1:30:53

Try the uh, mushroom with the crab

1:30:55

in it as the appetizer, unbelievable. Unbuff's

1:30:57

talking about all day, talking about it

1:30:59

on the walk there, got to the

1:31:01

place, they did the, uh, would you

1:31:03

like appetizers? I said, oh, yes we

1:31:05

would. will take, Lynette and I had been

1:31:07

talking about it since we ate there

1:31:09

the week before. We will take the Portobello

1:31:11

mushroom with the crab sort of cake

1:31:14

on the thing and the thing. and the

1:31:16

guy was like, yeah, no, we don't. That

1:31:18

was last week. And I said,

1:31:20

yeah, but it was so good. And he said,

1:31:22

yeah, I know, but now we have new ones.

1:31:25

And by the way, the new ones were like

1:31:27

the butternut squash soup, you know, and stuff like

1:31:29

that that didn't sound very good. And I said,

1:31:31

yeah, that was a good one. And he yeah,

1:31:33

we rotate them. And I said, less

1:31:35

than 24 hours ago. You

1:31:38

need to treat your appetizers like a

1:31:40

gin hand when you get the good

1:31:42

one and you get all the great

1:31:44

feedback on it and everyone's telling you

1:31:46

how delicious it is. Yeah, keep that.

1:31:48

Feel free to keep that one. literally

1:31:50

ordered a nut soup. I've laughed about it,

1:31:52

but L .A. the only city where they

1:31:54

tell you what's not in it I

1:31:57

mean, it was literally, it was, it was

1:31:59

like a He's not soup. of

1:32:01

all. We want several thousand several thousand

1:32:03

years of making soup without knowing

1:32:06

that you could make soup out

1:32:08

of anything Pretty, I mean,

1:32:10

what I'm mean, is, I'm saying is, it

1:32:12

it had to be for barley or

1:32:14

clams or chowder or something in it it.

1:32:16

Now I I fucking just talk to

1:32:18

people like like, yeah, what is I

1:32:20

soup? I lens. lens. What? Yeah,

1:32:22

just one just one. bouchion lawn. Oh, it's just a, we

1:32:24

don't use any. but they, then they go, they give

1:32:27

they give you the laundry list

1:32:29

of what's not in it, which I

1:32:31

don't like. like. There's cream. There's no

1:32:33

dairy. There's no cream. no, Cause all

1:32:35