0:01

If you have a have a locked here

0:03

with bolt cutters. T -Mobile will help

0:05

pay off your locked phone and give

0:07

you a new 5G phone for

0:10

free, all on America's largest 5G network.

0:12

This is T -Mobile off your locked phone

0:14

and give you a new 5G

0:16

days free phone up to free, all on

0:18

America's connection charge. Qualifying, 5G in service

0:20

on Go 5D This Contact us before

0:22

cancelling entire account to continue bill credits

0:24

or credits. Stop and balance our

0:26

required finance agreements. Do bill credits and

0:28

if you pay off devices early. is

0:30

hard. But I'll tell you a little secret.

0:35

out. You're You're listening to a podcast right now

0:37

and it's great, you love the the host, you

0:39

you it out and download it, you listen

0:41

to it while driving, working out, cooking, even

0:43

going to the bathroom. going to the bathroom. are a

0:45

pretty close companion. close And this is a and this is

0:47

a podcast ad. ad. I get your attention?

0:50

attention? And this is a Did ad. Did I get your attention? reach great You can reach great listeners with yourself

0:52

with podcast advertising from Choose from Choose

0:54

from hundreds of top offering host host

0:56

endorsements or run run a pre -produced

0:58

ad like this one across thousands

1:00

of shows. shows. audience

1:11

and their favorite podcasts

1:14

with Libsinads. Go

1:16

to libsinads.com, that's

1:19

L-I-B-S-Y-N, ads.com today. Alec

1:21

Baldwin, Tom, he's a

1:24

cinematic treasure. Come on. So

1:26

lifelike. I mean, it's actually creeping

1:28

me out a little. Oh man,

1:30

did it get here? It sure did.

1:33

Fuh. Okay, what got here? What,

1:35

what got here? What, what do

1:37

you get? Holy shit, is that a

1:39

kid? Heath, relax, it's a highly realistic

1:41

love doll of a kid. It's

1:43

not a real kid. Why do we

1:45

have one of those? Why not?

1:47

There's nothing wrong with it. What

1:50

are you talking about? Of course

1:52

there's something wrong with it. It's

1:54

practice doing horrible stuff.

1:56

I mean, Keith, don't be silly. It's

1:58

like saying a flashlight. Is the

2:00

practice of cutting your wife's vagina and

2:02

stuffing it in a Stanley mug? Okay,

2:06

fine, but Doesn't it

2:08

like encourage the horrible

2:10

stuff? I mean only if

2:12

you think every fantasy you've ever

2:14

had was practice to enact that

2:16

fantasy For the record. I do

2:19

think that see you think the

2:21

same as Tom You want to think

2:23

the same as Tom Rose? No,

2:25

okay? So just admit that ethically

2:27

there's nothing wrong with

2:29

the Hyper -realistic sex doll of

2:31

a child Love the love dog

2:33

love though. Oh, okay

2:35

With the condition that

2:38

it is not a fantasy

2:40

that I think anybody should

2:42

ever indulge under any circumstances

2:44

at all I guess Like

2:47

ethically in some weird general

2:49

way. There's nothing wrong

2:51

with the doll like by

2:53

itself one minute 15 seconds pay

2:55

up. I cannot believe you

2:57

got him to say it. I

2:59

told you guys we should not

3:01

have taken the bat Yeah, fine.

3:03

You guys weren't actually gonna like no

3:06

No, no, not at all But

3:08

I did bet the guys that

3:10

you'd admit it was ethical in

3:12

under two minutes not even a

3:14

follow -up question No, no, I did

3:16

what no what I said was

3:18

so you guys ready to record

3:20

Technically, I didn't say that I

3:22

feel like I'm ready to go

3:24

No, I tricked you guys my

3:26

love. knew you guys were tricking

3:28

and I tricked you with start

3:31

sandcastor Happen

3:33

so fast Hello

3:56

and welcome to citation needed the podcast where

3:58

we choose a subject read a single article about

4:00

it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts.

4:02

Because this is the internet and that's

4:04

how it works now. I'm going to

4:06

be leading the expedition this week, but

4:09

a conspiracy theory with only one believer

4:11

is just a mental illness. So I

4:13

brought along a few guys to make

4:15

me seem sane in comparison. First up,

4:17

two men who fight it awfully suspicious

4:19

that no leprecons showed up for work

4:22

on 9-11. Tom and Eli. Okay, but

4:24

they didn't. Because we had an off-site

4:26

meeting that day. Yeah. They've never explained

4:28

that that's why the charms are lucky

4:30

and I feel like they should give

4:33

it conduct. Yeah, honestly. And also joining

4:35

us tonight, two men who became moon

4:37

hoaxers as revenge against Buzz Aldrin for

4:39

endorsing Trump, Cecil, and he was endorsing

4:41

him to get Trump to come closer

4:43

so he could suck him one. Just

4:46

give him one. Right. Yeah. And rocket

4:48

fuel doesn't burn that hot. I don't

4:50

think that's ours. And before

4:52

we get to the point, I want

4:55

to remind our listeners how much more

4:57

profitable it would be for us to

4:59

just be entirely full of shit. If

5:01

you'd like to learn how to keep

5:04

us on the side of truth and

5:06

justice, be sure to stick around to

5:08

the end of this show. And with

5:11

that out of the way, tell us,

5:13

Cecil, what person plays, think, concept, phenomenon,

5:15

or event what we'll be talking about

5:18

today. Today we're going to be talking

5:20

about Pizza Gate. And Eli, you stared

5:22

at this Wikipedia article with a freeway

5:25

accident level of morbid fascination. Are you

5:27

ready to tell us what stared back?

5:29

Yeah, the horrors, no illusions, the horrors.

5:31

So what was, slash is, Pizza Gate?

5:34

So I've covered quite a few gates

5:36

on our little program. If Gamer Gate

5:38

was the trial balloon for white supremacy

5:41

invading online communities and... Elevator Gates was

5:43

misogynist supplying those same techniques to atheist

5:45

fandom. Pizza Gate is the natural next

5:48

step. Because if it turns out we

5:50

can harass people over lies about online

5:52

gaming journalism and politely asking not to

5:55

be hit on in an elevator, then

5:57

why bother tying yourself to reality at

5:59

all? Pizza Gate asks, what

6:01

if a campaign of harassment

6:04

and slander was based on

6:06

literally nothing? What if you could

6:08

whip that nothing into a

6:10

furor so substantial it would

6:12

change the course of a

6:15

presidential election, give rise to

6:17

a whole new conspiracy cult,

6:19

and send one of its

6:21

believers into a pizza parlor

6:24

with a machine gun looking

6:26

for a basement that never

6:28

existed? Pizza Gate isn't just

6:30

another consequence of the destruction

6:33

of the truth by the

6:35

internet. It's the culmination of

6:37

those consequences. At least so

6:39

far. And it all begins with

6:41

Anthony's Wiener. Yeah, that's the hot

6:44

dog stand next to comet pizza

6:46

and unhappy neighbor with a dastardly

6:48

plan. Okay, the fact that Anthony

6:51

Wiener never officially dubbed his campaign

6:53

surrogate The Fluffers is proof. But

6:55

he was never really a man

6:58

of the people. Exactly. Yes. Anthony

7:00

David Wiener is an American

7:02

former politician who served as

7:05

the US representative for New

7:07

York's ninth congressional district

7:09

from 1999 until 2011. That's the

7:11

what Heath and I lived in

7:13

when we lived there. That's right.

7:15

That's true. Yeah, no, we did. We

7:17

did. I was actually a really

7:19

big fan at the time. I

7:22

thought he would be president. It

7:24

was unrelated. Why, I said, go

7:26

ahead. Well, you were a fan

7:28

for a reason, no illusions. A

7:30

member of the Democratic Party, he

7:32

consistently carried the district with at

7:34

least 60% on the vote. Wiener

7:36

received a 100% rating from the

7:38

Narole Pro Choice America in 2003

7:40

and a zero percent rating from

7:42

the National Rights to Life Committee.

7:44

He created the bipartisan congressional middle

7:47

class caucus, received an A on

7:49

the drum major institutes 2005 congressional

7:51

scorecard on the middle class issues,

7:53

and he loved sending pictures of

7:55

his dingle dangle to win on the

7:57

internet. I will never understand that. Like...

8:00

Even when the dick pick

8:02

is being asked for, why

8:04

would you do that? Like

8:06

the best ones look like

8:09

an evil alien sandworm. It's

8:11

terrifying with like a sloppy

8:13

neckwattle, next sandworm. You're telling

8:16

us so much about your

8:18

dick that you don't think

8:20

you're telling us, man. Mine's

8:22

not one of the best ones.

8:25

Mine's one of the best ones. I

8:28

know by the way that the drum

8:30

major institute was founded by MLK Jr.

8:32

But all I ever imagine is a

8:34

bunch of guys in marching band uniforms

8:36

sitting around a table mulling things over

8:39

and like casually spinning drumsticks in their

8:41

fingers while they do it? In 2011,

8:43

Wiener would admit to exchanging explicit

8:45

photos and messages with six women.

8:47

And while at the time there

8:50

was a lot of hand waving

8:52

by his defenders about the supposedly...

8:54

Mutual nature of those exchanges when

8:57

he got caught sexing a 15-year-old

8:59

girl in 2016, the FBI got

9:01

involved. He would plead guilty to

9:03

a single charge of transferring obscene

9:06

material to a minor and serve

9:08

18 months in prison. But it

9:10

was the investigation of that crime

9:12

that gave birth to Pizza Gate

9:14

with a huge helping hand from

9:17

then FBI director James Comey.

9:19

Transferring obscene material to a

9:21

minor sounds like a tax

9:23

deduction box on an IRS

9:25

form. He showed his dick

9:27

to a kid, man. Thank

9:29

you. Cecil, this isn't a

9:31

fucking beetle juice play. Keep

9:34

it in your pants, man.

9:36

Exactly. See, while Wiener was

9:38

being investigated, the presidential candidate

9:40

Hillary Clinton was going through

9:42

a controversy of her own. I'm

9:44

talking, of course, about her emails. In

9:46

a post-Donnell Trump leaving the nuclear codes

9:49

taped to a bathroom wall in Marilago

9:51

world, it's hard to imagine that we

9:53

ever even pretended to care about whether

9:55

or not Hillary Clinton used a private

9:58

email server for official government. business,

10:00

but we did. And it was the

10:02

alleged discovery of some of

10:04

those privately sent emails during

10:06

the course of this investigation

10:09

that prompted then FBI Director

10:11

Comey to announce an investigation

10:14

into Hillary Clinton and her

10:16

campaign for mishandling national security

10:18

information. An announcement that Mrs.

10:21

Clinton credits with losing her the

10:23

2016 election. Yeah, I mean, definitely

10:25

a factor, but it seems like

10:27

a superminer thing. considering all her ties

10:30

to the lizard aliens who control

10:32

the banks and the media. You'd think

10:34

they could fix that? I was really

10:36

disappointed by how little power the lizards

10:38

actually had that. Yes! Yes, because

10:41

the Democrats, they are at

10:43

once an all-powerful cabal of

10:45

interstellar monotamic gold-horting fourth-dimensional time

10:48

travelers that have controlled international

10:50

markets and politics for decades,

10:52

but they also... Lost in

10:54

election to a bunch of guys

10:56

keeping the truck nuts industry alive

10:59

and right right? Yeah, it's November

11:01

that lizard slowed down. It's a

11:03

cold Do you guys think we

11:05

should have changed the price of

11:07

eggs using our banking stuff? Maybe

11:09

yeah But of course the improper

11:11

use of an email server wasn't going

11:14

to convince the American every

11:16

man that Hillary was unfit

11:18

to be president Sexism did

11:21

that. But you can't just say, I'm a

11:23

sexist piece of shit, and that's why I'm

11:25

not voting for a woman. You need an

11:27

excuse, a gish gallop to muddy the

11:29

waters. And luckily, a Russian spy hiding

11:31

from the US government on child rape

11:33

charges was all too happy to provide

11:35

that mud. You see, at the same time

11:38

as Anthony Wiener's computer was

11:40

being rightly investigated by the

11:42

FBI, the Russian propaganda website

11:44

Wikimedia had released the hacked

11:46

emails of Hillary's campaign chair,

11:48

John Podesta. John Podesta. And you

11:50

might be wondering to yourself, okay, wait

11:52

a second, Eli, I don't understand, how

11:54

are those two things related? And they're

11:57

not. They're just two things that happened

11:59

in the... time to mention, relatively

12:01

close to each other. Yeah, but it

12:03

allowed the right wing fake news machine

12:05

to correlate the legitimate investigation

12:08

of eight Democrat or sex

12:10

crimes to the Hillary Clinton

12:12

campaign. And that's all the

12:14

space that was needed for Pizza Gate

12:16

to form and take hold. All right.

12:19

Well, I thought this episode would

12:21

have no actual child sex

12:23

predators and we're already up

12:25

to two. So I need

12:28

to recalibrate my humor for

12:30

a second. which means

12:35

it's

12:38

time

12:41

for

12:44

some

12:48

apropos

12:52

of

12:55

nothing.

12:59

I'm sorry Senator Smith, what?

13:01

I mean, yeah, don't get me wrong.

13:03

I'm like 100% in on the

13:05

evil island. I'm just not into

13:07

kids. Is there any like

13:09

adult women available that

13:12

we could get? Yeah, honestly,

13:14

I'd love an adult as well.

13:16

Okay, well, how the hell am I

13:18

just now hearing about this? Have

13:20

you guys been wanting to fuck

13:23

adults this whole time? I mean,

13:25

I do prefer. Well, do

13:27

you at least want to murder

13:29

them and eat them? No, it's

13:31

not really. Probably not. So, so

13:34

all these years, I've just been

13:36

some kind of fucking kid-fucking

13:38

and eating weirdo and you

13:41

guys, we just, we could have

13:43

been having a consensual sex with

13:45

adults. I mean, you made the

13:48

plans, it seemed rude to sort

13:50

of object. No, yeah, we'll find

13:52

out. We'll get adults. But

13:54

since I be, we're all being

13:56

so honest here, Chris, I hate

13:59

steak houses. Every time we get

14:01

together, you book a steakhouse, and I

14:03

just, I can't stand it, let's get

14:05

some fucking, some Thai food and some

14:08

sushi once in a while, okay? You guys

14:10

don't like steakhouses? No, I mean, the

14:12

guys are fine. He's just lashing out.

14:14

Well, you guys started it. When

14:32

we last left off, Hillary was

14:34

on the internet at the very

14:36

same time as O.J. Simpson, so

14:39

maybe she murdered Nicole. Tell us,

14:41

you like, what happened next? Right,

14:43

well, luckily, the connections only get

14:45

less relatable from there. So the

14:48

second these hacked emails hit wiki

14:50

leaks, the right-wing media dives into

14:52

them, looking for some form of

14:54

impropriety. And to be fair, when

14:57

the standard for right-wing controversy

14:59

is wearing a tan suit,

15:01

They had a really good

15:03

shot. Unluckily for them, John

15:06

Podesta is, both in his

15:08

private and public life, one

15:10

of the most boring

15:12

human beings on the

15:14

planet. The emails are

15:17

entirely about fundraisers, trusty

15:19

lunches, and other boring

15:21

aboveboard shit like that.

15:23

So, the likes of

15:25

Fox News and OAN,

15:27

they didn't have anything.

15:29

But... A little reality never

15:31

stopped the real center

15:33

of right-wing media, barely

15:35

concealed white supremacist websites

15:38

from doing their thing. Making

15:40

shit up. And the shit they made

15:42

up was kid-fucking. The dartboard they

15:44

used to decide this stuff is

15:46

weird. Yeah. It's just a big

15:49

circle that says kid-fucking. So... It's

15:51

a weird day at the custom

15:54

dartboard company. A brief side note

15:56

about child pornography in places like

15:58

4chan and 8. Thanks for joining

16:01

us today everybody for Tom, Eli,

16:03

Heath, and Noah. I'm Cecil. Thanking

16:05

you for hanging out with us

16:07

next week. By then. This is

16:10

actually relevant to the story. Eli

16:12

still won't be an expert on

16:14

anything. You're unfamiliar with places like

16:16

Fortune and Achan. First of all,

16:19

congratulations. You are the internet version

16:21

of that kid who never broke a

16:23

bone growing up. So for those lucky

16:25

among you, edgy message boards like this

16:27

are filled with child porn. In the

16:29

first part, because they have little

16:31

or no moderation, and pedophiles know

16:34

they can work largely untroubled as

16:36

long as they aren't to open

16:38

about what they're looking for or

16:40

selling. Secondly, on websites whose chief

16:42

purpose is posting awful edgy things,

16:44

a lot of people can pretend

16:47

that talking about or posting child

16:49

porn is part of the bit.

16:51

And that's a convenient cover if

16:53

you are, in fact, just straight

16:55

up posting child porn. But third...

16:58

This is why it's relevant to our

17:00

story, I promise. Child porn is a

17:02

fantastic way to turn people and

17:04

despise. Yeah, the activation words for

17:06

that winter soldier are not great.

17:08

They kept Desire 17 at home

17:11

coming from the Buckinghams. Oh, Jesus

17:13

Christ. Yeah, the other ones. All

17:15

right, so is anybody else starting

17:17

to think that Eli was just

17:19

way too trusting when the first

17:21

excuse somebody he knows could come

17:23

up with was... It makes me

17:25

a spy. I'll explain. I'll explain.

17:27

So say you're a Russian agent

17:29

and you want to turn your

17:31

everyday white supremacist into a Russian

17:33

agent. Well, it's not going to work

17:36

if you just tell everybody, but yes,

17:38

Eli, I am. Okay. So you got

17:40

on a website, 4chan or 8chan, many

17:42

of which have sections dedicated to

17:44

porn of young looking women, and

17:46

you post some porn. Say a

17:49

big collection of famous porn actresses

17:51

or something like that. You

17:53

then place a tracker on that folder

17:55

and you wait till a few hundred

17:57

people download it. Because what those downs...

18:00

motors don't know is that among

18:02

the big pile of files, you've

18:04

placed some legitimate child pornography. So

18:06

you do some IP address hunting. Do

18:08

people not know about porn hub? You

18:11

can just like go to porn hub

18:13

to see whatever. There's lots of porn

18:15

there. Why are you thinking? Right? Downloading

18:18

folders of it? Yeah. There in Florida.

18:20

So you do some IP address hunting. A

18:22

task so easy that teenagers literally

18:24

do it to each other on Omegal

18:26

as a prank. You find the

18:28

guy who downloaded your file and you

18:31

email him and let him know that

18:33

if he doesn't send you a picture

18:35

of his passport or put this

18:37

amount of money into a Bitcoin

18:40

wallet, you'll turn his information

18:42

over to the FBI. And

18:44

there is almost no doubt that

18:46

this scheme or something like it

18:48

has been done to dozens of

18:50

US politicians who now operate almost

18:52

exclusively as assets for the Russian

18:54

government. a whole bunch just so

18:56

you know folks yeah I I

18:58

do I love that in an

19:00

essay about the problems of speculation

19:02

and conspiracy theories we are now

19:04

just openly speculating about right anybody

19:06

else starting to think Eli was

19:09

just way too trusting when the

19:11

first excuse of politician he knows

19:13

could come up with was it

19:15

was hidden in a cache of

19:17

legitimate porn by a Russian spy I

19:19

said what I said so you're probably

19:21

wondering what does this have to

19:23

do with pizza gate well If

19:25

you're lighting fires, the way Russian

19:27

agents on 4chan and 8chan were

19:30

doing, it helps to have a

19:32

lot of smoke to cover

19:34

your tracks. And fake accusations

19:36

of child abuse are excellent

19:38

smoke. So they decide that

19:41

all the talk of pizza,

19:43

specifically cheese pizza, in John

19:45

Podesta's emails were code for

19:47

child pornography. Because, I

19:49

get you not, they start with

19:52

C. And P. Come on. It's

19:54

a searchable database. You can search

19:56

it right now. Go through those

19:58

emails. There are. are zero uses

20:00

of the phrase cheese pizza,

20:03

zero times. Okay, that's it. I

20:05

looked into the email of

20:07

both Colin Powell and Chris Pratt.

20:09

It was terrifying. So

20:12

post -decoding, these emails started popping up like

20:14

the ones shared by the New York

20:16

Times that said, quote, search

20:18

for these possible double -speak keywords

20:20

in WikiLeaks. Hot dog equals

20:23

boy. Pizza equals girl. Cheese

20:25

equals little girl. Pasta equals

20:27

little boy. What? Ice cream

20:29

equals male prostitute. Walnut

20:31

equals person of color. Yikes. Map equals

20:33

semen. bet they didn't write person

20:35

of color in there. And sauce

20:37

equals orgy. Okay, you can't just

20:40

assign a new thing to cheese. People

20:42

need to talk about cheese over emails.

20:44

It's not a color. Cheese plates. This,

20:47

really, this is no good. No good. These

20:50

are a bunch of months. Guys,

20:52

if you replace yours with

20:54

I am and truly with an

20:56

interdimensional lizard you who rapes

20:58

children in Easter adrenal glands, you're

21:00

not going to believe what

21:03

these emails say. Exactly, exactly. So

21:05

with these decoders in place,

21:07

ordinary emails took on a brand

21:09

new sinister exchange. How could they

21:11

not? Take,

21:14

for example, this exchange between common

21:16

sense media founder Jim Steyer and

21:18

John and Mary Podesta, which says,

21:20

quote, hey, John, we know

21:22

you're a true master of cuisine

21:24

and we have appreciated that for

21:26

years, but walnut sauce for pasta?

21:28

Mary, please tell us the straight

21:31

story. Was the sauce actually very

21:33

tasty? To which John replies, it's

21:35

an amazing legurian dish made with

21:37

crushed walnuts made into a paste.

21:39

So stop being so California, end

21:41

quote. I often crush

21:43

people into a paste

21:45

after an orgy. That's yeah,

21:47

normally that's the order

21:49

of operations. It all comes

21:52

together. Now, as any

21:54

Russian spy will happily tell you

21:56

that the great thing about spreading misinformation

21:58

to Americans is that no - And I

22:00

mean nobody, yes ends bullshit like

22:03

we can. See, when you're adding

22:05

truth, Kathy grows up being told

22:07

that there's a real and literal

22:10

goat demon whose only goal is

22:12

to separate her eternal soul from

22:14

its reward in heaven. When her

22:17

bipolar disorder or opioid addiction

22:19

or both kicks in, later

22:21

in life, she is ready

22:23

to find some satanic imagery,

22:25

whatever direction you point her in.

22:27

Which brings us at last, to

22:29

comet. ping pong see comet ping

22:32

pong inexplicably and for no

22:34

other reason the internet could

22:36

think of had a bunch

22:38

of space imagery all over

22:41

their website and you know

22:43

who else uses symbols like

22:45

stars and moons that's right

22:47

Lucky charms! Oh see,

22:49

little children! What are

22:52

they hiding? Also, also

22:54

I checked, the letters

22:56

in comment ping pong

22:58

can be rearranged to

23:00

spell, Men got copying,

23:03

which is literally and

23:05

truly... Better than any of

23:07

the arguments they came up

23:09

with. You're in the wrong

23:11

profession, no all, illusion's wrong

23:13

profession. But on all, symbology

23:15

was that obvious. Internet sleuth

23:17

used an FBI list of

23:19

well-known secret pedophile symbols, like

23:21

triangles, hearts, and spirals, only

23:23

to find that common ping-pong

23:26

signage also contained... Shapes?

23:28

Shapes, you say? Wow. Okay,

23:31

fun fact, Fox News has

23:33

a triangle thing and an

23:35

arc thing in their logo.

23:37

And the conspiracy people were

23:40

saying the other businesses

23:42

near Komet Tingpong were

23:44

also doing pedophile stuff.

23:47

Okay, listeners, we have sort of

23:49

an unofficial page minimum on the citation

23:51

needed essays. We're now in the portion

23:53

of the show where Eli is trying

23:55

to game that system by putting a

23:58

bunch of pictures in the notes. The

24:00

symbol of the fair sentence?

24:02

I give and I give. But

24:04

wait, there's more. What if I

24:07

told you that the owner of

24:09

Comet Pingpong posted a photo to

24:11

Instagram of himself with two

24:13

half-naked men wearing a

24:16

t-shirt that read Jeharte-Lenfant,

24:18

which for those unfamiliar

24:20

with the language of

24:22

love is French for

24:24

I-heart-emogee children. Well, I tell you

24:27

that that's... Not a photo of the

24:29

owner of color ping pong. It's the

24:31

photo of the owner of a different

24:33

restaurant named. You guessed it. Longfong

24:35

cafe and bar. Which also is almost

24:38

certainly a nod to the French

24:40

phrase law enfant terrib which refers

24:43

to someone whose ideas shock or

24:45

upset norms. But since Americans pretty

24:48

routinely refuse to acknowledge

24:50

other cultures. I don't

24:53

know, I just hear

24:55

we. Yeah. Well, it's

24:57

also worth mentioning that.

25:00

Pierre Charles Longfaunt was

25:02

the architect that designed

25:05

Washington DC. There are

25:07

like 406 things in

25:09

Washington DC named after

25:12

him. The I-Hart Longfaunt

25:14

is a moderately standard

25:16

tourist t-shirt in T-C. Yeah.

25:19

Now I think they should

25:21

still get rid of that

25:23

though. Yeah, no. Other theories

25:25

of Beetsigate are, say the

25:28

least, far-ranging. One popular post

25:30

accused John and Tony Podesta

25:32

of kidnapping the British toddler,

25:34

Madeline McCain, on May 3rd

25:36

of 2007, based on a

25:38

computer reconstruction of the kidnappers'

25:40

faces released by police. When

25:43

question about the kidnappings, the

25:45

Podesta said, look, you want

25:47

to make a good walnut

25:49

sauce, you got to break

25:51

a few hot dogs, you know what

25:53

I mean? So there's a couple of

25:56

problems with this theory. First of all,

25:58

the PS1 graphics released are. pretty

26:00

much just guys with faces.

26:02

And secondly, the two computer

26:05

images being compared to John

26:07

and Tony are supposed to

26:10

be of one person, not

26:12

two. Also, elite pedophiles aren't

26:14

going to fly to England

26:16

and do their own kidnapping.

26:18

It doesn't even make sense.

26:21

I mean, without skin masks

26:23

made of stem cells from

26:25

earlier kidnapping. My favorite of

26:27

these connections. is a photo of

26:29

Barack Obama and a child playing

26:32

ping pong at the White House. Yeah,

26:34

100% of the way. That photo is

26:36

still hanging in the White House and

26:39

it could not more obviously be in

26:41

the White House. There's

26:43

a giant red carpet,

26:45

an extremely recognizable archway

26:47

behind them. It looks nothing

26:49

like comet ping pong, but

26:51

on fortune, someone put a

26:53

new sky run on it that says

26:55

Obama had comet ping pong, so... You

26:57

know, he's closed. Okay, and if you're

26:59

about to fuck some kids and eat

27:01

them in a secret pizza dungeon, it's

27:04

kind of weird to have a quick game

27:06

of ping pong first, right? Again, just

27:08

like take it through, that wouldn't make

27:10

sense. I don't know why I'm giving so

27:12

many notes to these people on like,

27:14

whatever, don't. Doesn't make sense. Yeah,

27:16

I totally get that. That's why pickleballs

27:18

becomes. And as we all know, pickleless

27:21

pedophile code for Cuban boy of eight

27:23

to eleven years old with a lisp.

27:25

So. I'm just saying that if he

27:27

ever found himself accidentally in a child

27:29

fucking and eating situation, he would absolutely

27:32

try to delay the inevitable by playing

27:34

ping pong with them. And we need

27:36

to acknowledge that Obama would have done

27:38

the same thing. And now I have

27:40

a great alibi. Exactly. So- And now

27:43

I fucked it up. Damn it. Yeah,

27:45

exactly. So with damning evidence like

27:47

that in hand, pizza cake became

27:49

what every other conspiracy eventually becomes.

27:51

That Hillary Clinton, John Podesta, and

27:54

every other politician and or Jewish

27:56

person who the right didn't like,

27:58

were secretly killing, eating- and raping

28:00

kids in the basement of comet ping

28:02

pong which I will clarify again does

28:05

not have a basement now conspiracy

28:07

theorists will use the fact that

28:09

everything eventually becomes about killing raping

28:11

and eating kids as a sign

28:14

that there's like a kernel of

28:16

truth to these things but there's a

28:18

couple of problems with that first of

28:20

all that means nothing second of all

28:23

killing eating and raping kids are just

28:25

the worst things that people can think

28:27

of So when you're trying to villainize someone,

28:29

accusing them of doing the worst

28:31

thing you can think of, just

28:34

kind of tracked. And three, we do

28:36

know about a secret cabal of murderous

28:38

child rapists. It's called the Catholic Church,

28:40

and nobody cares because they're nice

28:43

to your grandma or something. Yeah,

28:45

right. Notice how quickly they're concerned

28:47

about groomers faded when Donald Trump

28:50

was trying to nominate one to

28:52

run the Justice Department, these fight.

28:54

You might wonder during all of

28:56

this. how this benefits Russia. But

28:58

you have to remember that like

29:00

Game or Gate and Elevator Gate before

29:02

it, the harassment is the point.

29:05

Common ping pong hosted democratic

29:07

fundraisers and was a place

29:09

where members of Hillary's campaign

29:11

like to meet and hang

29:13

out and eat pizza. But

29:15

now being spotted there proved you

29:17

ate babies for their adrenochrome.

29:20

So the disruption was enough.

29:22

Well, these people know that when

29:24

you heat adrenochrome, you denature it,

29:26

you essentially get zero evil powers

29:28

putting that baby on a pizza

29:31

in a new 500-degree oven. That's

29:33

stupid. It's stupid. Also, adults have,

29:35

I would imagine, way more adrenochrome

29:38

than babies because of bigger

29:40

adrenal glances. So, here's the thing.

29:43

If any QAnon heroes want to fight

29:45

fire with fire, use a... grown-up adrenal

29:47

gland from your like you and on

29:50

buddy and get a neutral bullet you

29:52

know and you enjoy it but heath

29:54

the stuff from babies tastes better it's

29:56

like it's like veal in terms of

29:58

how moral it is to consume. That is

30:01

by the way the actual argument that

30:03

people make about the kids versus the

30:05

dolls thing. Is that a taste better?

30:07

Is that a taste better? And of

30:10

course it wouldn't be American

30:12

stupidity if it wasn't also dangerous

30:14

and gun related. So on

30:16

December 4th 2016 Edgar Madison Welch

30:19

a 28 year old man from

30:21

Salisbury North Carolina arrived at Comet

30:23

Ping Pong ready to save the

30:25

children. He knew they were being held

30:27

inside his sex slaves, threatening several employees

30:29

with a gun and firing three shots

30:32

into the walls and ceiling in the

30:34

restaurant. Welch demanded to be shown to

30:36

the secret basement. And after he was

30:39

satisfied that it didn't exist, he

30:41

surrendered bloodlessly to the police. Welch

30:43

spent three years in prison for

30:45

the crime and is currently free, with

30:47

the custody of both his children. Yeah,

30:50

Jesus. Okay, if three years seems like

30:52

a very short sentence compared to say...

30:54

I don't know, the national average of

30:56

84 months for a drug conviction.

30:58

I want to just reassure everyone here.

31:00

Eddie is white. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool.

31:02

Yeah. All he was doing was firing

31:04

a gun in a restaurant filled with children.

31:07

Children. Yeah. No big deal. I wish

31:09

I could end this essay the same way

31:11

I've ended by other essays on

31:13

Gates, right? I'd love to tell

31:15

you that pizza gate faded to

31:17

obscurity and ended up an internet

31:20

joke recognizable only to the chronically

31:22

online, but like myself, like myself.

31:24

Truth is, Pizza Gate has become

31:26

mainstream. Its advocates are some

31:28

of the most visible members of

31:30

Congress, and its legacy was no

31:32

small part in the attempted overthrow

31:35

of our government on January 6th,

31:37

which, by the time you're listening

31:39

to this, will have been rewarded

31:41

by a second significantly more

31:43

powerful presidential term. What I'm

31:45

saying is, someday, this podcast may be

31:47

the only piece of media that tells

31:49

you Pizza Gate wasn't real. And if

31:52

you had to summarize what you've learned

31:54

in one sentence, what would it be?

31:56

America is a bad place filled with

31:58

bad people, but sometimes... It's wacky

32:02

We're bad in an entertaining way at

32:04

least I want that shirt. That's

32:06

amazing. So are you ready for the quiz? Absolutely.

32:09

All right, Eli Calling all

32:11

scandals a something something gate

32:14

is fucking stupid. Why?

32:17

Hey, watergate is one word.

32:19

It wasn't a water -based

32:22

I Be

32:25

watergate had consequence. Yeah

32:27

bad guys lost See

32:30

remember consequences. Nope

32:32

guys D

32:36

Sorry, oh, oh,

32:38

it's D. It's

32:40

always D

32:42

All right, Eli. What was

32:45

the most reasonable moment

32:47

from the entire pizza

32:49

gate movement? Hey

32:51

When Edgar Welch saw there was

32:53

no basement and he was

32:55

like Well fuck Okay,

32:58

okay time for jail, I guess B

33:02

it's a the pinnacle of ethics

33:04

and intellectual honesty of this entire thing Came

33:06

from the guy who fired a gun

33:08

into a crowded restaurant full of kids But

33:11

then admitted he was wrong being honest

33:13

intellectually for a second I went down a

33:15

whole Edgar Welch rabbit hole when I

33:17

was researching this essay because there's one of

33:19

those like you know They take shitty

33:21

people and they'll do like a he ain't

33:23

so shitty no more They did it

33:25

with the kid with the torch at Charlottesville

33:27

as well They they made one of

33:30

those articles about him and reading people trying

33:32

to be like well He was just

33:34

a passionate guy with his heart on

33:36

his sleeve and a tear in his

33:38

eye Fascinating. It's fascinating answers a by

33:40

the way That's

33:42

correct doesn't make any sense like you shoot

33:44

the gun around the kids The adrenaline goes

33:46

out of the gland All

33:50

right Eli Best

33:52

way to search the pedestrian emails

33:54

is through AI. What's the best

33:57

AI tool to use a kid

33:59

journey? Dammit. Chat

34:01

C .P. C. Adrenochrome

34:04

Plugin. Or D. Frazzle

34:08

Clippy. Adrenochrome Plugin.

34:12

Fint, I'm going to go with Chat

34:14

C .P. Oh, yes. You are correct.

34:16

It's Chat C .P. right, fantastic. Oh,

34:18

you've run the board, Eli. You

34:20

are this week's winner. Oh,

34:23

all right. I'd like a Tom essay this week.

34:25

Wouldn't we all? All right. Well, for a season,

34:27

but we're going to have to wait until next

34:29

week, actually. So, for Cecil, Tom, Eli, and Heath,

34:31

I'm the one thanking for hanging out with us

34:33

today. We'll be back next week. And by then,

34:35

Tom will be an expert on something else between

34:37

now and then. You can hear more for our

34:39

various combinations of us on cognitive dissonance, the scathing

34:41

atheists, God awful movies, dear old dads, and a

34:43

bunch of other stuff. And if you'd like to

34:45

help keep this show going, you can make a

34:47

per -episode donation at patreon.com .citationpod or leave a five -star

34:49

review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to

34:51

get in touch with us, check out past

34:53

episodes, connect with us on social

34:55

media, or check the show notes.

34:57

Be sure to check out citationpod.com.

34:59

I want to jump in here

35:01

real quick just to mention that

35:03

on the 14th, which this releases

35:05

on the 15th to wide audiences,

35:08

so was the day before, Michael

35:10

Marshall and I are releasing a

35:12

brand new podcast called the No

35:14

Rogan Experience. It's a show where

35:16

two guys with no previous Rogan

35:18

experience get to know Joe Rogan.

35:20

So you can check it out

35:22

at norogan.com. That's K -N -O -W -R -O

35:24

-G -A -N.com. All the stuff is

35:26

there. You can subscribe in any

35:28

way that you want. But we'd

35:30

love it if you give this

35:32

show a listen, give it a

35:34

shot. We think it's really good.

35:36

I wrote the first iTunes review. I

35:43

gotta say, guys, this was delicious. What

35:45

was this? Spicy tuna roll. Loved

35:48

it. Loved it. I will be

35:50

back. Okay. You really liked it?

35:52

Really did. Yeah.

35:54

Just delicious. Absolutely delicious.

35:56

Hey, you know, I

35:59

could go for some dessert. What did you have

36:01

in mind? I'd love to fucking

36:03

kill a neither child.

36:06

Seriously, you guys aren't just

36:08

saying that. Come on! Let's

36:10

do it! No, why not? You

36:12

guys are the best.