0:00

In the dry states of the the

0:02

southwest, there's a group that's been

0:04

denied a basic human right. In

0:06

the Navajo Nation today, a third

0:08

of our households don't have running

0:10

water. But that's not something they

0:12

chose for themselves. they Can the Navajo

0:14

people reclaim their right to water

0:16

and contend with the government's legacy

0:18

of control and neglect? legacy of control

0:21

and neglect? That's

0:24

in the next season of of

0:26

reclaimed the of Navajo Nation listen

0:28

now now you get your

0:30

pot your podcast Hello

0:55

and welcome citation needed the The podcast where we

0:57

choose a subject, read a single article

0:59

about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're

1:01

experts, because this is the we're that's how

1:03

it works now. is the Eli, and I'll

1:05

be the reason... it works now I'm Eli and

1:08

I'll be the reason for the season

1:10

Christmas. episode was scheduled for But

1:12

we'll meet some minds. Winter is a

1:14

season. Yeah, it's season. only

1:16

there's only one season. This is the White

1:18

This is the white Christmas a podcast

1:20

or every one of our all white. one

1:22

of White is the white Christmas. Christmas episodes,

1:24

that's fair. That's fair. need we'll need

1:26

some minor characters to make my

1:29

story seem all the more astounding.

1:31

First up, up. Three men who got really

1:33

bitchy when I suggested their sections

1:35

of the show. of the show I

1:37

don't know know white stuff. Beep, Noah, and Tom. I

1:39

thought that was a good name

1:41

the pun. Yeah. Come on. And I was I was

1:43

just sad that it wasn't a

1:45

euphemism for cocaine. I thought we

1:47

were gonna party. gonna an unnecessary it's

1:49

an Eli, I do know Ely. I

1:52

stuff white guy stuff. Right? You do. All I know. Pretty much.

1:54

all Pretty much. It's true also

1:56

joining us tonight. us tonight. with a

1:58

hero hero with a

2:00

tale to be

2:02

told. Cecil, something Italian. Cecil! Are

2:04

you ready to be canonized? Does

2:06

you so rightly deserve? Feel like

2:08

we're going to get canonized by

2:11

this group. They're either going to

2:13

be shooting me out of or

2:15

with a cannon. Okay, it was

2:17

either that or Eli had to

2:19

try to spell Hagia Graphical. And

2:21

I don't think any of us

2:23

wanted that. Cecil. Yeah. Okay, that's

2:25

fair. You want a winter soldier?

2:27

That's how you get a winter

2:29

soldier. Before we begin tonight. I'd

2:31

like to take a moment to

2:33

thank our patrons. Patrons! Usually a

2:35

squadron of guys, Jer- A reason

2:37

for the season! Patrons! Usually a

2:39

squadron of guys! Jesus! Patrons! Usually

2:41

a squadron! Jesus! Patrons usually I

2:43

was just thinking this episode wasn't

2:45

going to be long enough Keith

2:48

it's going to be like three

2:50

hours for me to add it

2:52

okay yeah man if I don't

2:54

a break if I laugh and

2:56

stop every time he can't do

2:58

the bit it's good yes and

3:00

damn it Patrons usually thank you

3:02

I was going to say it

3:04

had to happen for that thank

3:06

you that's the commitment yeah and

3:08

also this next one has to

3:10

happen to happen to Patrance usually

3:12

has a squadron of guys jerking

3:14

off in such an egregious manner.

3:16

Have to find a Turkish bathhouse

3:18

or a David Barton gym. But

3:20

thanks to your dollars, we can

3:23

record it for the whole world

3:25

to enjoy. And if you'd like

3:27

to learn how to join their

3:29

ranks, be sure to stick around

3:31

to the end of the show.

3:33

And with that out of the

3:35

way, tell us Tom, what person,

3:37

place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event.

3:39

We'd be talking about today. And

3:41

Noah, you decided that we were

3:43

going to talk about each other

3:45

for this very special Christmas episode.

3:47

Why? Well, because sometimes ideas seem

3:49

better when you're high. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

3:51

Mm-hmm. I get it. I get

3:53

it. So Noah, why don't you

3:55

start us off by telling us

3:58

the tale of heath and right?

4:00

Okay, so obviously we've talked a

4:02

lot on this show about heath.

4:04

being tall, but what we may

4:06

never have mentioned is that that

4:08

has been a lifelong infliction. He

4:10

was in fact born at his

4:12

present height of six feet four

4:14

inches or a hundred and ninety

4:16

three seconds. Curled up. He was

4:18

he was like a yeah, right.

4:20

It's both an affliction and an

4:22

infliction by my parents genetically. So

4:24

but he was he was still

4:26

obviously baby levels of skinny at

4:28

first and then he just filled

4:30

out over time. So. In a

4:32

process less like being birthed and

4:35

more like being extruded, he came

4:37

into the world on August 27th

4:39

of 1981. Yeah, when he was

4:41

born, the doctor actually yelled, it's

4:43

a spaghetti! Yeah, right, exactly. That

4:45

was the most remarkable part. Now,

4:47

Heath's cement size was obviously an

4:49

incredible burden for his parents. Normal

4:51

baby furniture wouldn't accommodate their writhing

4:53

noodle of a child, so they

4:55

had to get creative. On walks,

4:57

for example, they used two walkers

4:59

with a board stretched stretched between

5:01

them. To put him to bed

5:03

they had to cut the ends

5:05

off of four crypts and kind

5:07

of duct tape him together and

5:10

to carry him around his mom

5:12

had to wear a pair of

5:14

pupuses One on the front and

5:16

one on the back that just

5:18

you know, it was for limb

5:20

overflow This childhood pet was a

5:22

kangaroo with a backpack you could

5:24

take him for rides in that.

5:26

Exactly. Yes. My story is a

5:28

lot like called Bunyan. Hey honey,

5:30

you think maybe we should just

5:32

use a a bed-sized bed for

5:34

our enormous baby? No, no, I

5:36

all right, then hand me the

5:38

baby safe duct tape. It's not

5:40

using it. It's duct. It's duct.

5:42

I was a pedantic shoe baby.

5:45

I would correct things like that.

5:47

It is duct. I'm gonna I'm

5:49

gonna need to do the voice.

5:51

No, it's duct. There's a duct

5:53

tape that is the universal tape

5:55

is duck. Take hell yeah, let's

5:57

get into this. Oh shit it

5:59

is for it is not for

6:01

ducts duct tape if you look

6:03

at you you you're they have

6:05

to let you use it on

6:07

duct tape is a shiny silver

6:09

tape that would be I'm gonna

6:11

not use anything else with Scott

6:13

no matter what else happens in

6:15

this episode? He then, right? We'll

6:17

be googling. He's googling right now,

6:19

only to find out in moments

6:22

that he is wrong, and I

6:24

promise. He's going to the dark

6:26

web. He's going to the deep

6:28

web. He's finding the first article

6:30

on Wikipedia. Which the original duct

6:32

tape is branded as a duck.

6:34

It's going to be like an

6:36

hour and 15 minutes already. With

6:38

a T at the end of

6:40

it, duct tape to use for

6:42

ducts is not the same thing

6:44

as the universal tape that you

6:46

are referring to you are referring

6:48

to. That is a duck tape.

6:50

I'm 100% serious. Duck tape is

6:52

a shiny, shitty tape that's not

6:54

particularly useful for anything other than

6:57

ducts. And it's not used on

6:59

ducts. If you look at your

7:01

HVAC system, you will not see

7:03

what you think of as duct

7:05

tape on your HVAC system. You'll

7:07

see a shitty, shiny, silver tape.

7:09

Yeah. I'm 100% right. I've looked

7:11

this up before. I've looked this

7:13

up before. I've looked. Because I

7:15

did the same thing you just

7:17

did and then I got I

7:19

got pulled off and I looked

7:21

it up and I was like,

7:23

no way, that's true This this

7:25

this correction pays it forward. It's

7:27

kind of amazing. Yeah, yeah, there

7:29

you go Yeah, it was like

7:32

a double shitty baby. I tried

7:34

to do a pedantic correction. I

7:36

was like I was like emailing

7:38

a podcast to my parents. Yeah,

7:40

yeah, he's still Heath's extreme toll-less

7:42

also came with a few health

7:44

issues. For example, in order for

7:46

baby formula to reach all the

7:48

way down his giraffe-like neck, it

7:50

had to be squirted with great

7:52

force. Caliente! Holy shit! Now unfortunately,

7:54

aerospace engineer and former NASA employee

7:56

Lonnie George Johnson would not invent

7:58

the supersoaker until 1989! So his

8:00

dad had to fashion a makeshift

8:02

bellow system to get he through

8:04

those first few tenuous months of

8:06

life his extended digestive tract also

8:09

required a far higher intake of

8:11

fiber than was true for most

8:13

kids a problem his father rectified

8:15

with a steady diet of surprise

8:17

toothpicks secreted away his food the

8:19

video of heath's mom jumping on

8:21

those milk bellows from the diving

8:23

board never should have been cut

8:25

from America's funniest home videos it

8:27

was a coward Yeah, coward. She

8:29

hit him with a wiffleball bat

8:31

right in the crot. Yeah, she

8:33

got him just about it. Yeah,

8:35

she did. Now, as Heath got

8:37

older, it became clear, it was

8:39

like, cut, it. Now as Heath

8:41

got older, it became clear that

8:44

he was only going to grow

8:46

outward instead of upward, which came

8:48

as a great relief to his

8:50

parents. Keep in mind that they

8:52

were mentally preparing to raise a

8:54

24-foot tall teenager. But he remained

8:56

six foot four as he aged,

8:58

making his height progressively less awkward

9:00

every year. Now in his adolescence

9:02

he did make a habit of

9:04

wearing trench coats everywhere in hopes

9:06

that people would assume he was

9:08

just you know several kids trying

9:10

to get into an R-rated movie

9:12

but by the time he reached

9:14

about 14 years of age it

9:16

ceased to be an issue. Ceased

9:19

to be in it yeah. Teams

9:21

in trench coats in the 90s,

9:23

definitely not an issue. Oh, no,

9:25

it was fine. I meant, I

9:27

meant, I meant, I meant, I

9:29

got to take, I got to

9:31

take cover behind a desk from

9:33

that joke, Jesus Christ. No, I,

9:35

look, I meant his height seems

9:37

to be, his, his fashion choices

9:39

would remain an issue far into

9:41

the 2000s. Man. Okay. True story,

9:43

my friend wore a trench coat

9:45

to school, the teeth of Columbine,

9:47

and got Jesus Christ. Crying black

9:49

face at the time. Now, as

9:51

a teenager, Heath excelled at a

9:53

number of sports, none of which

9:56

were basketball, which we can all

9:58

admit is weird, but Heath's dad

10:00

was the type who believed his

10:02

son should have a sport for

10:04

every season, because the alternative was

10:06

spending time with him. ancient game

10:08

of unknown origin that involves forcing

10:10

larger and larger objects through smaller

10:12

and smaller rings. I'm sorry, Heath

10:14

didn't play football and there are

10:16

just no other autumn sports there.

10:18

So Heath was also an excellent

10:20

student. He made it all the

10:22

way through high school without ever

10:24

answering a question on a test

10:26

incorrectly or rather in a way

10:28

he was willing to concede was

10:31

incorrect. Sometimes the teacher disagreed, but

10:33

they were fucking wrong. It was

10:35

duck. and technically his answer should

10:37

account it but the teachers didn't

10:39

disagree often uh... and so he

10:41

went from high school to williams

10:43

college where he would go on

10:45

to graduate magna come loud at

10:47

how because this is a fictional

10:49

biographer okay time out time i

10:51

tell my i didn't realize we

10:53

were allowed to lie about each

10:55

other he i'm about to venmo

10:57

you a lot of money i

10:59

need you to look at your

11:01

phone Is it for my birthday

11:03

dinner that I bought six years

11:06

ago when your card got to

11:08

time? So it's okay. Thanks for

11:10

that. Well that was going to

11:12

be the peak of my God

11:14

damn biography. Thank you for spoiling

11:16

it. And as is true for

11:18

so many of us, it didn't

11:20

pop up. As is true for

11:22

so many of us, it was

11:24

during his days in college that

11:26

the most pivotal moment of his

11:28

life occurred. I get it. Lots

11:30

of people experiment in college. Not

11:32

as many as Bill dorm room

11:34

fuck robots though that's a little

11:36

no it was even more important

11:38

than that actually so this event

11:40

that I'm talking about it happened

11:43

as heath can tell you from

11:45

memory I'm sure at 1048 on

11:47

November 28th on 2009 that was

11:49

a Saturday Saturday yeah and it

11:51

lasted for only 45 seconds but

11:53

it would echo in heath's heart

11:55

and his mind for all the

11:57

seconds afterwards and still rings there

11:59

today and the moment I'm talking

12:01

about of course is the 2009

12:03

Folger's incest commercial in which an

12:05

actor playing a teenage sister, I

12:07

fucks the actor playing her 20-something

12:09

brother for the most awkward three

12:11

quarters of a minute in the

12:13

history of American advertising. Fun fact,

12:15

that commercial is so heath directional

12:18

because they weren't sure if they

12:20

wanted the two characters to be

12:22

husband and wife or brother and

12:24

sister when they shot it, but

12:26

they ended up cutting the two

12:28

shoots together, which I think we

12:30

can all agree wasn't interesting. I

12:32

don't think that's true. And there

12:34

were both adults, I'm pretty sure.

12:36

But with AI accelerating at the

12:38

rate it is, 2025 over the

12:40

year, that Heath finally sees the

12:42

climax of that commercial. Oh, there

12:44

are several reenactments, Cecil, that you

12:46

can buy now. So now, after-

12:48

Lots of my climax are called

12:50

the singularity, but it's fair. Yeah.

12:53

Now after graduation he would go

12:55

on to use his degree in

12:57

economic sciences to secure a job

12:59

as a bartender at TGIF Fridays

13:01

because what? He could see how

13:03

fuck the economy was before the

13:05

rest of us and he's like

13:07

I want to get bartender money.

13:09

He would then leave that job

13:11

to take up a very promising

13:13

career in the throwing around sacks

13:15

of sand industry which he would

13:17

eventually give up for the somehow

13:19

even less promising field of podcasting.

13:21

A career move no doubt that

13:23

seemed like a better idea at

13:25

the beginning of this biography than

13:27

it does at the end. Oof.

13:30

So Cecil, tell us about Tom.

13:32

Wow, going after Noah with something

13:34

like this is pretty difficult, but

13:36

I'll give it a shot. Okay.

13:38

Tom's mom and dad met the

13:40

day Saigon fell to the Viet

13:42

Cong. It was April 30th, 1975.

13:44

It had nothing to do with

13:46

Vietnam or the Vietnam War, it

13:48

just happened on that day. Their

13:50

courtship was a whirlwind affair, spurred

13:52

on by a substantial lack of

13:54

conversation. When his mother asked his

13:56

father to marry, his dad, like

13:58

always, didn't speak, so she just

14:00

took it as a yes. Tom's

14:02

mom, Carol, had a monkey called

14:05

Stacho. He served as the ringbearer

14:07

in the wedding. They eloped to

14:09

the Everglades, where they were married

14:11

by a Protestant python who offered

14:13

Tom's mom and apple. And she

14:15

in turn asked the Python if

14:17

it was... martini flavor. Okay, to

14:19

be fair, at this point everything

14:21

that ends up in Tom's mom's

14:23

mouth is martini flavor by default.

14:25

So, or something blue at the

14:27

wedding was just grease beer to

14:29

olive stuff with blue cheese. Yeah,

14:31

technically counts. All right, this is,

14:33

I had to make up fictional

14:35

stuff for mine season. This is,

14:37

I see, I know, I know

14:39

Tom a little better. Okay, their

14:42

marriage lasted three years. During that

14:44

time, Tom's parents had two children

14:46

and... Three conversations. The conversations were

14:48

never about anything too deep. Two

14:50

were about the weather. The other

14:52

was about where they should go

14:54

to dinner. Tom was conceived during

14:56

that one, ever done anything. They

14:58

called it a Denny's Grand Slam.

15:00

Tom was born in 1978 and

15:02

the doctors had some trouble removing

15:04

him from the birth canal. His

15:06

shoulders stuck and they had to

15:08

exert some... sort of amount of

15:10

pressure on him to get him

15:12

out of there and in the

15:14

process his neck was shoved deep

15:17

into his body and his shoulders

15:19

formed this sort of protective foreskin

15:21

around it and his his neck

15:23

his neck stays deeply buried in

15:25

his chest cavity today oh today

15:27

yeah Absolutely, but otherwise the gravotron

15:29

at the carnival was a fun

15:31

time, right? To be fair, based

15:33

on what we know about Tom,

15:35

if he had tried to let

15:37

himself out, he'd have just ripped

15:39

his mom in half and saved

15:41

the world a ton of trouble.

15:43

Like Hulk Hogan taking off his

15:45

shirt. Exactly. Tom and his brother

15:47

Ralph Wigham went to a school

15:49

in a two-room schoolhouse in the

15:52

swamps of Central Florida. One of

15:54

the rooms was for the students,

15:56

obviously, and the other was for

15:58

the alligators that they rode to

16:00

and from the schoolhouse. Tom's alligator

16:02

had to walk uphill both ways

16:04

to school and then he'd ride

16:06

at home and then he'd have

16:08

to jump across several alligator heads

16:10

like pitfall to get to his

16:12

front door. Inside he would see

16:14

his mom doing shots of plastic

16:16

bottle doers with the monkey. as

16:18

he took swig after swig of

16:20

that swill. The monkey died a

16:22

year later. But it died because

16:24

it bit Tom and he tried

16:26

to flush it down the toilet.

16:29

And his mom caught him mid-plunger,

16:31

so she tried CPR for 30

16:33

minutes on stacho's tiny fragile and

16:35

broken body. Jesus taste of toilet

16:37

water, a welcome reprieve from the

16:39

doers. And he died right there

16:41

in the bathroom on the floorboards

16:43

and I can say you still

16:45

hear his heartbeat if you listen

16:47

very close All right see so

16:49

for the last time that's just

16:51

my throbbing head. That's just yeah,

16:53

know we talked about this Which

16:55

is crazy because it's resonant because

16:57

it's stuck in your chest cavity.

16:59

So it's just this sort of

17:01

thrumming that comes up Tom prehensile

17:04

tail heart Tom was sent Tom

17:06

was sent to... No, I already

17:08

checked that out. Tom was sent

17:10

to live with his dad near

17:12

Midway Airport. A small neighborhood surrounds

17:14

that airport and they all signed

17:16

a petition to kick Tom's dad

17:18

out of the homeowners association. They

17:20

complained that Tom was so loud

17:22

he disturbed the serene sounds of

17:24

the landing 747s. So his father

17:26

moved them to Frankfurt, not like

17:28

an interesting one like in Germany.

17:30

The one south of I-80 in

17:32

Illinois that's next to the entire

17:34

village of white supremacists, white supremacistsrem

17:36

premises. Yeah, the other side, it's

17:39

kind of sandwich between white supremacy.

17:41

That was the original description of

17:43

the Oreo. Tom spent many years

17:45

tearing down road signs, breaking mailboxes,

17:47

duck taping, up, sorry, duck taping,

17:49

raccoons to dead people, steering wheels,

17:51

and killing any animal that came

17:53

near his house. The most amazing

17:55

accomplishment is this all he had

17:57

to do all this before his

17:59

curfew of 4.15 p.m. Well early

18:01

morning is when the raccoons are

18:03

the most trusting season. I'm comforted

18:05

to know now that the raccoon

18:07

was already dead when Tom duct

18:09

taped it there though. Right. That's

18:11

not my fault they die with

18:13

their arms out comically. I mean

18:16

they're just begging for a steering

18:18

wheel taping. Like our lord in

18:20

the garden. I just want to

18:22

point out that Cecil and Noah

18:24

are secretly changing their duct to

18:26

duct. I didn't change anything. I'm

18:28

willing to be wrong Heath. I'm

18:30

okay with it. I'm just settling

18:32

for the notes to be wrong.

18:34

Oh yeah, we wouldn't want a

18:36

spelling error in our notes. Well,

18:38

in four-fifths of it. Right, exactly.

18:40

I wouldn't want one in red

18:42

or pink. All right. So Tom,

18:44

fine blue everybody, just that you

18:46

know what that was. Tom eventually

18:48

found weightlifting. We get it. You

18:51

have depression. Whatever, nobody cares. Tom

18:53

eventually found weightlifting which is kind

18:55

of amazing because his eyes barely

18:57

pop up outside of his upper

18:59

body. He's like a cross fit

19:01

cordier like it's an interesting shape.

19:03

He was also recruited to wrestle

19:05

in his high school, which is

19:07

surprising since he lacks any sort

19:09

of pressure control, balance, athleticism or

19:11

tactile sense. His tactic was to

19:13

grab on to his opponent as

19:15

hard as he could and then

19:17

when his balance failed, which inevitably

19:19

would, he would fall with them

19:21

and hope that he, they hit

19:23

the ground before he did. Cecil?

19:26

Yeah, what did he call it?

19:28

He called it the 9-11. As

19:30

you can imagine a wrestling career built on

19:33

hope is only available to see on punk.

19:35

Fun fact, that is a person Tom wrestled

19:37

in college. And I'm not kidding on this

19:39

last last month. Tom and I went to

19:42

a college with a bunch of guys and

19:44

they had a wrestling league and some kids

19:46

backyard on Friday nights and they had a

19:48

ring and they would jump off the ropes

19:51

and they'd break tables and shit. And then

19:53

they had a free-for-all at the end of

19:55

the night, like a big fucking battle royal.

19:57

When Tom answered, like the original backyard and

20:00

Jurassic Wrestling Federation, yeah. Yeah, when Tom answered.

20:02

I was in it, but I played. But

20:04

Tom, Tom got in at the end to

20:06

try to win the money, but they all

20:09

ganged up on him because they were smart.

20:11

And then, and then he did wrestle with

20:13

see on punk before that guy got his

20:15

face obliterated in the UFC. So, yeah, Cecil.

20:18

I literally have a podcast whose main purpose

20:20

is for Tom to tell crazy stories from

20:22

his life, and we hadn't gotten to that

20:24

yet. That's how many crazy stories. This is

20:27

all I would talk about. You think that,

20:29

but then you learn about the car wash

20:31

fight club, and you're like, well, I guess

20:33

we gotta spend some time on the car

20:36

wash club. I'd just be coming in hot

20:38

to every room. Resteled CM punk, okay, whatever

20:40

you guys are talking about, moving on, that's

20:42

fine. Still Brooks at the time. Brooks at

20:45

the time. My great-grandma fucked millionaire heart and

20:47

my friend wrestled C.M. punk. It's all coming

20:49

together. Another true story I'd like to share.

20:52

One time I was at Tom's house with

20:54

my now wife and then girlfriend, Sarah came

20:56

out of the kitchen and she saw Tom's

20:58

brother Ralph Wigam. A much, much, much smaller

21:01

and frail version of Tom. This is due

21:03

to years of him losing food share battles

21:05

at the dinner table. My wife asks who

21:07

he is, but not in a normal way,

21:10

guys. In the way you would talk to

21:12

a family pet. And who are you, little

21:14

boy, she says. And he says, I'm Tom's

21:16

brother. And then, no shit, in the most

21:19

condescending, an obvious child pandering tone. She asks,

21:21

and how old are you? And she leans

21:23

over. to get to his eye level to

21:25

say it. She kind of sorority squats. How

21:28

old are you? And he says, I'm three

21:30

years older than Tom. And then Sarah waited

21:32

out in the car for me for the

21:34

rest of the time. In fairness to Sarah,

21:37

my brother was about 28 and still not

21:39

finished puberty. You've got to see a picture

21:41

of this guy before you judge Sarah on

21:43

this. Tom went to college in Naperville, Illinois,

21:46

at a college wed. between a and

21:48

a and Mongolian barbecue. He studied

21:50

English lit in minored

21:52

in secondary education. got

21:55

a soul job job after

21:57

college and decided not to

21:59

to become a teacher

22:01

kids. Later, he kids. to have

22:04

he would go on

22:06

to have two kids

22:08

and then find two

22:10

more children and then

22:13

start a podcast that

22:15

exclusively talks about it. Throughout the hard

22:17

years of the hard years

22:19

of labor and long long

22:22

hours, he kept his

22:24

spirits up by reading

22:26

about people lost in

22:29

the Arctic or dying

22:31

at sea. are dying at

22:33

sea. All right, well, while we

22:35

reflect on just how many of

22:37

the crazy parts of that

22:39

story are true, crazy parts of that story you're

22:41

true. of exposure as

22:43

a kink is pretty

22:45

awesome. is pretty awesome. You know, like

22:47

I sure, I'm get an hard

22:49

my own way, you

22:51

know, my watching know, from watching

22:54

them, whatever. Amazing. All

23:11

right, everyone, pipe down. as I

23:13

I mentioned in your invitation, we're

23:15

roasting ourselves this week so

23:17

we thought it would only be

23:19

fair to it the subject of

23:21

our to you the episodes, 400 plus have

23:23

a turn as well. a turn as

23:25

well. So up to the mic

23:27

and do your thing. on up to the

23:29

mic first? your thing Oh, wow, all

23:31

the way back from way back from

23:33

It is Andrew Jackson, everybody. Jackson

23:35

Howdy, y 'all. Howdy Okay, here

23:37

we go. Since Tom did my

23:39

essay, I thought I'd talk

23:41

about about Tom is an Irish He's an an

23:43

Irish. He's

23:46

an red Full hair

23:48

red, everything hair

23:50

and everything. Wow.

23:53

That's okay. Fine.

23:55

Wow. you okay.

23:58

Okay. Thank you,

24:00

President Jackson.

24:02

right. Next up, Chung Ling-su.

24:05

Hero! No, no, no, no,

24:07

thank you. Also for anybody

24:09

who's mad about it, a

24:12

reminder that Chung Ling-su was

24:14

a white guy pretending to

24:17

be Asian, so you can't

24:19

get mad, please. Okay, uh,

24:21

Frank ducks? You want to

24:24

come up here, ducks? It's

24:26

actually ducked. She's... Pretty

24:30

sure that's not how it works with

24:32

the tape, but anyway Cecil's caraté doesn't

24:34

hold a candle to mine And I'm

24:37

not sure about that. It does it

24:39

does the whole episode is that you

24:41

are a liar So wrong about the

24:43

duct tape too. Okay. I want to

24:46

go Sure action park. What do you

24:48

have he threw up and pooped himself

24:50

at the same time in me. I

24:53

was there right right? Thank you anyone

24:55

else Oh, Henry Ford. All right, Henry,

24:57

come on up. What are you doing?

24:59

Escalator is broken. No, no, Henry, those

25:02

are stairs. Just, you just walk. No,

25:04

those are your hands. There you go.

25:06

Is this the microphone? No. No, this

25:09

is. Yes. Why would it look at

25:11

my hands? Which hand? It's both hands.

25:13

I'm holding it with both. You know

25:15

what? I'll come to you. Here. You

25:18

got it. Got it. Okay, now talk.

25:20

Tom is an Irish. Got him. Okay.

25:22

Marketing is hard. But I'll tell you

25:24

a little secret. It doesn't have to

25:27

be. Let me point something out. You're

25:29

listening to a podcast right now, and

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it's great. You love the host. You

25:34

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25:36

listen to it while driving, working out,

25:38

cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts

25:40

are a pretty close companion. And this

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is a pretty close companion. Did I

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26:32

And we're back! we When we left

26:34

off, tails told, and and three were

26:37

left to go. go. Come, you're due some

26:39

revenge, why don't you tell us

26:41

a little about us a little about Noah's illusions?

26:43

Certainly. The Phoenix, the the mythical bird whose

26:45

death and rebirth is only possible

26:47

because of its famed its to to

26:50

from that emulation to be reborn,

26:52

a creature made a creature made flesh from ash,

26:54

may fact be the closest known

26:56

relative of no illusions. Though

26:58

little is known of his parents,

27:00

it of can be surmised to

27:02

some degree of reasonable to that

27:04

degree of not made certainty that but made

27:06

rather was perhaps not made born the

27:08

remarkable from flesh, was born walks among us

27:10

animated ash He is ash, and

27:12

when he refers to his he is

27:14

that is just his blonde

27:16

people. his boomstick, that is just his bon guys

27:18

have been guys have all this whole

27:21

time, I apologize for the

27:23

Christmas for the year. this

27:25

year. Regardless whether the not his origins were

27:27

biological or mythical, what what remains astonishing

27:29

about his birth was that from the

27:31

moment he left his mother's birth

27:33

canal, before he even had words or

27:36

was able to properly coordinate his

27:38

limbs, baby Noah still managed to perform

27:40

a rough pantomime, perform a rough the medical

27:42

technique of the attending obstetrician, the and

27:44

while reports from the day are

27:46

admittedly sketchy, the infant Noah was both

27:49

technically correct both brutally brutally in his

27:51

clumsy critique. critique. Yeah, if I if I could

27:53

just hop in to correct you,

27:55

wasn't what the pediatrician was was when

27:57

he when he ass, but it's but it's what he

27:59

got The cold, harsh The cold, of

28:01

harsh environment of the real world

28:04

contrasted so starkly with the warm embrace

28:06

of the gentle womb, a fact fact Noah

28:08

has never forgotten. His desire to

28:10

desire to retreat back into the fold

28:12

of his mother's folds, perhaps igniting

28:14

his longstanding love love of hot pockets.

28:16

Jesus Christ. I know I know these

28:19

are always going to be

28:21

kind of to be but you only

28:23

like hot pockets because they

28:25

remind you of your mom's pockets because

28:27

they say we're checking you of your mom's,

28:29

sleeve, right? it so far. It's it's gray

28:31

sleeve, I think it's the gray

28:34

sleeve. the, I think it's the white on

28:36

the outside. it's, it's white on the outside. Yeah,

28:38

it is crazy that

28:40

you can make that you can

28:42

more gross by adding a

28:44

motive, right? more gross by adding a

28:46

motive, right? Well, things thanks for

28:48

baby Noah chugged along as you might expect for the

28:50

first few years until one day. until When

28:53

watching the black -and -white black and

28:55

white his parents had just

28:57

installed in parents home. just installed in

28:59

saw home, Noah first saw Bobo, the smoking

29:01

recalling his origins, perhaps recognizing the

29:03

freedom the chimp embodied in his

29:05

fearless, chimp embodied in his social rules and to

29:07

social Noah saw in that chimp

29:09

his own future, chimp and he began

29:11

his smoking habit at the tender

29:13

age of at old. age of three years

29:16

old. Hey mall! Half the is in

29:18

the in the again. Well that's

29:20

how he that's how he likes it!

29:22

Okay, you've come a long

29:24

way, baby. That's a good slogan a

29:26

good slogan, actually. That's pretty

29:28

good. You won't go much

29:30

farther, but you've come a long way.

29:32

come a long way. Keep the the coffin.

29:35

In school, school, a Noah was student. In

29:37

actually Tom's mom's chimp at

29:39

first a then became but literally a lot of

29:41

extra It did a lot of

29:43

extra work. In school, related. a

29:45

In school, Noah was a frightful

29:47

student. but literally a bad student,

29:49

but literally a frightening student. While it

29:51

was not unusual for raise children to

29:53

raise their hands frequently in class, sat

29:56

within within the confines of his one

29:58

room schoolhouse, disinterested in the...

30:00

rambling to the teachers, he would later

30:02

describe as, quote, no better educated

30:04

or better able to educate than

30:06

a dressed up turnip. What he

30:08

was called to the front of

30:10

the class to answer some rudimentary

30:13

question or puzzle. Instead, no, it

30:15

would take to the front of

30:17

the class, snatch the chalk from

30:19

his teachers, trembling hands, and begin

30:21

correcting the errors of grammar, logic,

30:23

and judgment in the problems themselves.

30:25

It wasn't long before groans of

30:27

dismay would instinctively rise of dismay

30:29

would instinctively rise from the beginning

30:31

an unasked for solilically with, let

30:33

me begin by rejecting the premise.

30:35

By the age of eight, Noah

30:37

declared himself both emancipated and graduated

30:39

and struck out on his own.

30:42

Yeah, when he walked across the

30:44

stage at graduation, the principal handed

30:46

him a word. I actually redlined

30:48

it and gave it back. It

30:50

said, see me at the bottom.

30:52

A legit, I called my 10th

30:54

grade English teacher out for using

30:56

the wrong form of principal on

30:58

a classroom sign. And you know

31:00

what, Miss Macquarie? I stand by

31:02

it. You were fucking wrong. She

31:04

hung up with duct tape. As

31:06

most of the men and women

31:08

of his generation did when needing

31:11

to cross the vast expanses of

31:13

the country as yet not entirely

31:15

tamed, young Noah took to riding

31:17

the rails. I actually hopping a

31:19

train in motion being far too

31:21

difficult for Noah's young body. he

31:23

instead took up the practice of

31:25

finding some beleaguered rail bureaucrat and

31:27

just harangued him until the confused

31:29

fellow eventually gave up and conceded

31:31

the point that yes the US

31:33

rail system does benefit from heavy

31:35

federal subsidies and the people therefore

31:37

do have a right to benefit

31:40

from those rail systems and wasn't

31:42

Noah that entitled not only to

31:44

ride on the train but also

31:46

perhaps from some of the man's

31:48

packed lunch. He stole the guy's

31:50

copy of Atlas Shruggs too. That

31:52

was while riding the rails across

31:55

our great nation, then boasting not

31:57

nearly so many states as in

31:59

its present incarnation, that he came

32:01

across the performers of the Big

32:03

Apple Circus. Here, Noah again felt

32:06

himself at home in a way

32:08

that he couldn't within the constraints

32:10

of modern society. Among what he

32:12

felt were his people, Noah began

32:14

to learn the ancient arts of

32:16

juggling and balancing random stuff on

32:19

other stuff. A skill witch, serving

32:21

no practical purpose, delighted Noah, not

32:23

instead of their practicality, but precisely

32:25

because they were so completely divorced

32:27

from all utility. Okay, am I

32:29

the only one who's going to

32:32

do a fictional one? Jesus. If

32:34

a sandbag disruptor isn't practical, I

32:36

don't know what is, Tom. It

32:38

doesn't make sense what you said.

32:40

Just gibberish. It wasn't even English.

32:42

Read and economics. And so it

32:45

was that Noah began to grow

32:47

up, riding the rails of the

32:49

troop of the big top and

32:51

seeing and criticizing the world. From

32:53

town to town, there was no

32:55

elected official or state policy that

32:58

was immune to his biting critique.

33:00

Having been gifted a soapbox from

33:02

one of his friends within a

33:04

circus, Noah began his early career

33:06

in forming diatribes from his very

33:08

first platform, a wooden crate, stamped

33:11

ivory, the symbol of whiteness, berating

33:13

a nation, now becoming a long-standing

33:15

tradition, even to the present day.

33:17

Oh, Tom, here's another rock. I

33:19

think I see a part of

33:21

that glass house that's still standing.

33:24

It was on one of his

33:26

many sojournes across our great nation

33:28

that Noah, taking a break from

33:30

performing for, as he called them,

33:32

the god damn rubs, the god

33:35

damn rubs, met the love of

33:37

his life. Somewhere in the backwaters

33:39

of Georgia, he heard the voice

33:41

of an angel calling out from

33:43

somewhere deep within the woods, followed

33:45

quickly by a thud and a

33:48

muffled squeak, intrigued and... Perhaps slightly

33:50

aroused Noah followed the sound I

33:52

do like a good muffled squeak

33:54

let me tell you I'm not

33:56

here to judge just you know

33:58

I do get it just a

34:01

biographer Noah followed the sounds deep

34:03

into primordial Georgian wilderness when he

34:05

spotted her. There upon a riverbank,

34:07

clad in child's overalls and a

34:09

straw hat made for a doll,

34:11

stood loose into, singing and gleefully

34:14

swinging what would later be described

34:16

as her varment hammer. It was

34:18

in that moment that Noah realized

34:20

that his heart never fully belonged

34:22

to himself and that his journey

34:24

of thousands of miles had been

34:27

made so that he might one

34:29

day happen upon the diminutive woman

34:31

who so clearly had captured it.

34:33

At the moment he realized this,

34:35

however, tragedy struck, without warning a

34:37

bullfrog of no particular note or

34:40

size, suddenly leapt from the water,

34:42

and in one gulp swallowed whole

34:44

tiny Lucinda, before disappearing into the

34:46

murky depths of the shallow water.

34:48

At once, determined not to lose

34:50

his love, mere moments upon finding

34:53

her, Noah dove into the water

34:55

and seized the frog, pulling loose

34:57

from its belly Lucinda and sending

34:59

her upon a small stick. to

35:01

catch her breath. Are you all

35:04

right? exclaimed a shocked and love

35:06

struck no illusions, to which Lucinda

35:08

only laughed. Of course I am

35:10

silly. It happens all the time.

35:12

She was nonetheless taken by the

35:14

gesture and thus began their whirlwind

35:17

courtship. Wow, Tom's not even going

35:19

to mention that I was the

35:21

bullfrog. This is bullshit. No one

35:23

listened together began their lives with

35:25

the circus. With Noah introducing Lucinda,

35:27

it's the world of juggling and

35:30

Lucinda. introducing Noah to the world

35:32

of narcotics. Yeah, as you see,

35:34

Lucinda was known across Georgia at

35:36

the time as the Hillbilly South's

35:38

own Pablo Escobar. Her tiny stature

35:40

allowing her to escape law enforcement

35:43

by scurrying into crevices where men

35:45

or dogs simply could not follow.

35:47

Noah then found his second true

35:49

love. Weed, which by trying for

35:51

the first time, caused him to

35:53

loudly declare, this almost makes you

35:56

stupid fuckers tolerable. That was in

35:58

the year of our Lord 1963

36:00

and Noah has not One hour

36:02

of his waking life been sober

36:04

since. Yeah. One time we took

36:06

a plane to Japan, but yeah,

36:09

he actually had a bunch of

36:11

THC stored up in his mitochondria,

36:13

I think, so like... Powerhouse of

36:15

the South, also gummies, also I

36:17

had gummies. Now the heyday of

36:19

the traveling circus had begun to

36:22

wind down, and Noah and Lucinda

36:24

had no desire to sell out

36:26

to Ringling brothers, or as Noah

36:28

called it, big circ. And so

36:30

the pair... So the pair needed

36:33

to stop traveling and settle down

36:35

into more stable and less itinerant

36:37

lives. It happened that juggling aimlessly

36:39

about New York City, Noah found

36:41

himself standing in front of a

36:43

large toy store in Midtown Manhattan

36:46

with a sign in the window

36:48

that very coincidentally read, help wanted,

36:50

toy demonstrators, must be pretern naturally

36:52

agile and coordinated, no people's skills

36:54

necessary. Not one to believe in

36:56

fate, Noah did believe in opportunity.

36:59

and he heard the knock loudly

37:01

enough. It was in that store

37:03

that Noah met one Eli Bozna,

37:05

a 9-11 truther and conspiracy theorist,

37:07

and the only Jewish person who

37:09

believed that the Jews probably did

37:12

it, regardless of what it happened

37:14

to be. Noah began his usual

37:16

process of belittling and berating his

37:18

surprise, discovered that not only was

37:20

it effective in converting Eli, but

37:22

he was also able to perform

37:25

his miracle of intellectual conversion while

37:27

keeping six hackysacksacks going at once.

37:29

He also met Heath, who helped

37:31

to get something down from a

37:33

high shop. Alas! We stocked the

37:35

sandbags up on shelves sometimes at

37:38

the stone. No. They did, it's

37:40

true. Alas, but all good things

37:42

must, it seems, come to an

37:44

end. And one cold and blustery

37:46

Christmas season, Noah found out that

37:49

he had been fired from his

37:51

toy store job. He took it

37:53

hard. Impossibly hard. Retreating into himself

37:55

and living deep in the Pennsylvania

37:57

and the Pennsylvania woods. In an

37:59

unheeded single wide trailer, Noah began

38:02

plotting his revenge. Just as he

38:04

was putting the finishing touches on

38:06

a quote a serves you fucking

38:08

right device Which I won't describe

38:10

in further detail for legal reasons

38:12

He realized there might be a

38:15

way to channel his rage and

38:17

misanthropy and turn it into money

38:19

In short he had discovered podcasting.

38:21

Yeah, the people at Noah's old

38:23

company had already built a pretty

38:25

big bomb so it seemed redundant

38:28

at that point too A listener

38:30

to this show know the rest

38:32

of the story, how he first

38:34

reached out to Heath to help

38:36

him get a microphone from that

38:38

top shelf at Best Buy, before

38:41

realizing that Heath was actually both

38:43

clever and tall. And how he

38:45

asked Eli to guess on the

38:47

show on a lark and realize

38:49

that actually self-affacing New York Jews

38:51

might know a little something about

38:54

comedy. And how eventually he and

38:56

Lucinda found some measure of success,

38:58

moving finally from the backwoods of

39:00

Pennsylvania and into the backwoods of

39:02

Georgia. A step, if not up,

39:04

then at least not down. He

39:07

also likes video games. A lot.

39:09

Well, done indeed. Well, podcast listener,

39:11

as you know by now, the

39:13

important part of the podcast is

39:15

about to begin, the part about

39:18

me. I assume this time stamp

39:20

is carved onto some gold plate

39:22

somewhere and you're listening back through

39:24

the annals of history, both for

39:26

the story of and exhibition with

39:28

my genius. My genius. So Heath,

39:31

tell us about me. Elias Q.

39:33

Boznik. Wow. Eli? Boznik, we're going

39:35

to talk about Eli. What can

39:37

you say about Eli Boznik? Hasn't

39:39

already been etched on the inside

39:41

of the bathroom stall at the

39:44

Greyhound station. Not much. Not much,

39:46

but I'll give it a shot.

39:48

Eli was born in 1987. Wearing

39:50

geriatric Velcro Sneakers. Oversized and one

39:52

mesh shorts and a loud t-shirt

39:54

with an obnoxious meme on it.

39:57

Huh! Since then, Eli's, uh, thrown

39:59

out a beer tool. Otherwise, visually

40:01

Spanish. Same year as the garbage

40:03

pale year as Things have never made so

40:05

have never made so much

40:08

sense to me. didn't young Eli

40:10

just didn't realize that Jeff Jeff

40:12

was not intended to be be aspirational.

40:14

Okay, but but here's the thing.

40:16

It's not that Eli wasn't a

40:19

a beautiful baby. It's that he that

40:21

he wasn't trying to be a

40:23

beautiful baby and look good. He

40:25

was being ironic as a baby. as

40:27

a baby. visual stuff. So Eli grew

40:29

up in Binghamton, New York. York, and

40:31

against all odds. all odds, he is not.

40:33

a member of the clan

40:35

right now. He He has done

40:37

firearms training at their literal

40:40

facilities, but that was that was it.

40:42

That was was it. And Eli not being

40:44

of a hate group group is

40:46

large part. large part to

40:48

his amazing parents. His father

40:51

his father, David, was a high

40:53

school and college football star who

40:55

went on to become An

40:57

extremely beloved teacher. I

41:00

heard David had I heard in

41:02

one game at Popeye. Yes,

41:04

in one the at Bowl Yes, yes, in

41:06

the high school team He the

41:08

fucking Rose Bowl. the fucking Rose Bowl.

41:10

super cool, super cool dad, the coolest.

41:13

And Eli's Liz, Liz, is an

41:15

extremely talented and celebrated

41:17

writer. writer. Eli never tell you

41:19

this, because doesn't like to brag about his

41:21

mom, but he is actually one. mom, but

41:23

Liz actually won a Lee Benn Hopkins for poetry.

41:25

Get the fuck out of here. That

41:27

is prestigious, sure man. sure is.

41:30

excellent an excellent professor as well,

41:32

who's taught at some great

41:34

institutions Hamilton Hamilton, and Sarah Lawrence. her

41:36

And her whole life seems

41:38

super cool. on on top of

41:40

being a great poet and novelist

41:43

herself, she was married to

41:45

John was one of my personal

41:47

favorite of my Grendel was

41:49

authors. Grendel was amazing! Love

41:52

good and fun So about And fun fact

41:54

about Eli. This mom. of the

41:56

ghosts from Nickel was actually

41:58

based on Liz. on Liz. No

42:00

way! Wow! So cool man! Okay,

42:02

said like men who have not

42:04

read the book, okay? My mom

42:07

is as close as John Gardner

42:09

got to writing Lelida and with

42:11

a similar age difference, so let's

42:14

just move forward. Okay, please don't

42:16

interrupt. Did you guys know that

42:18

J.D. Salinger tried to flirt with

42:21

Liz? And she totally shot him

42:23

down. I did not know that.

42:25

Nice! He is a bad author.

42:27

He is a bad author. Yeah,

42:30

absolutely. Did you guys know that

42:32

Liz Rosenberg anagrams to Zen or

42:34

gerbils? Oh my god. Wow. His

42:37

parents are so interesting. So good.

42:39

Okay, so let's talk about Eli's

42:41

childhood. He had amazing parents. And

42:43

just a reminder, the leaphead at

42:46

Hopkins Award is like a super

42:48

duper serious honor. And of course,

42:50

it's named after Lee Bennet Hopkins,

42:53

the educator, poet, author, and anthologist

42:55

who was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania,

42:57

in 1938. You don't say! Fun

42:59

fact, Scranton is the setting for

43:02

the American version of The Office,

43:04

starring Steve Correll, and Steve is

43:06

amazing! Yeah. As a comedian, an

43:09

improviser. You tap dance, he could

43:11

tell us, man! I loved him

43:13

on the Daily Show back in

43:15

the day, amazing. Right, and remember

43:18

in Bruce Almighty when he was

43:20

doing the speaking in tongues? Yes!

43:22

His comedic gibberish was going to

43:25

be compared to Jim Kerry, but

43:27

still crushing? So good! What about

43:29

crazy stupid love? Very underrated. Love

43:32

that movie. Yeah, agreed. He is

43:34

great. Super great. If this episode

43:36

was building to a prank on

43:38

me, I'm going to mention you

43:41

all by name in the note.

43:43

Steve Correl. Wow. Just so much

43:45

talent, Steve Correll. Wow. But yeah,

43:48

okay, getting back to Eli, another

43:50

important thing about Eli, he has

43:52

an amazing cousin. She was the

43:54

chief of obstetrics at the Cleveland

43:57

Clinic for years, and during that

43:59

time, she revolutionized the field. using

44:01

advanced robotics to assist in delivery.

44:04

Wow, she sounds really smart. So

44:06

smart! And she saved so many

44:08

lives. A good person. Just a

44:10

truly great person for society. Yes.

44:13

Yeah, the whole world. Elis family

44:15

member. But we're getting off track

44:17

again. I want to talk about

44:20

Elis for real. In particular, his

44:22

amazing great-grandparents who survived the Holocaust.

44:24

Oh, wow. Yeah. as a Jewish

44:27

family living in Poland, it must

44:29

have been absolutely terrifying. Somehow they

44:31

lived through that horrific time and

44:33

eventually made it to America where

44:36

they continued the family. During the

44:38

darkest, darkest moments, all they had

44:40

was their faith. And then generations

44:43

later, we got Eli. But, okay,

44:45

we're running on time. Something, something

44:47

Tevia in high school, I don't

44:49

know, IBS, NYU. Penicillin, penicillin, penicillin,

44:52

selling light up condoms at a

44:54

toy store. Should he use those

44:56

condoms to avoid the penicillin now

44:59

that I think about it? More

45:01

IBS, more IBS again, and of

45:03

course, abandoned the Jewish faith of

45:05

those incredible Holocaust surviving ancestors and

45:08

become an atheist, podcaster. I mean...

45:10

You're not wrong, I just wish

45:12

it was long. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

45:15

One other important thing about Eli.

45:17

Eli's parents would go on to

45:19

adopt another kid, but this is

45:22

very important. There's no official record

45:24

of them saying, we're hoping to

45:26

get, quote, a good one this

45:28

time. That is immediately. All right,

45:31

Heath's short, but sweet. Like my

45:33

revenge will be noted. He also

45:35

has a blog. Or no, he

45:38

had a blog, but like he

45:40

had a blog. Talked to get

45:42

a blog. People, multiples. Anyways, that

45:44

leaves us to the reason why

45:47

we're all here. Nay? Perhaps the

45:49

reason this crazy dance called a

45:51

universe began. The best friendship of

45:54

Cecil something Italian and Eli Bosnick.

45:56

But before there can be an

45:58

eclipse, there must be two celestial

46:00

bodies. You heard the brief story

46:03

of my son. Now prepare for

46:05

the moon. The yang to my

46:07

yin, or as you call it

46:10

off in the way distant future,

46:12

the Cecil to my Eli Bosnick.

46:14

Cecil something Italian was born in

46:17

Chicago or something. I don't know,

46:19

but I do know he was

46:21

born poor. As a child he

46:23

would often sit by drain pipes

46:26

while things in his neighborhood explode.

46:28

That's true. But from such a

46:30

spark. But from such a spark,

46:33

greatness was made. Greatness in the

46:35

form of Cecil something Italian. Says

46:37

a lot about my childhood when

46:39

someone can ask if I remember

46:42

the refinery exploding and I have

46:44

to ask which times. It was

46:46

fine the first time, refined the

46:49

second time. But it was on

46:51

the rough streets of Chicago or

46:53

maybe somewhere else that Cecil learned,

46:55

the blade, switch blade of first,

46:58

of course, the Tommy knocker, the

47:00

butterfly knife, the rapier, and eventually,

47:02

the rapiest. Jesus Christie, like Boston.

47:05

So in our notes, there's space

47:07

here for a joke. Thank you,

47:09

Tom. Thank you for dumping on

47:11

that. Certainly space there for a

47:14

joke! Soon! None could match Cecil's

47:16

blade. The sound of his shoes

47:18

made of food stamps on the

47:21

cop's dome streets of Chicago or

47:23

maybe somewhere else made his fellow

47:25

Dickensian orphans flee in terror. Yes,

47:28

his own sword teacher, Mandy Patankin,

47:30

who once famously said, I think

47:32

it would be a good idea

47:34

for me to do a one-man

47:37

show about Anne Frank. But despite

47:39

his skill, Cecil struck him down

47:41

and shedding the only tear he

47:44

would ever cry in the process.

47:46

I use that and... Frank puppet

47:48

is an offhand parry device for

47:50

many years. Good, wholesome time. Cecil

47:53

was so good guys. He could

47:55

sword fight a guy with one

47:57

hand while making the puppet sword

48:00

fight that guy's dog with the

48:02

other. It was pretty crazy shit.

48:04

It's true. There's video. Due to

48:06

his terrible, horrible, disgusting poverty. Cecil,

48:09

or as he was known at

48:11

the time, L.T. Gray, it only

48:13

rocks and pebbles until the age

48:16

of 16, when, rifling through a

48:18

dumpster, he met a rat. with

48:20

a dream to cook. Through a

48:23

series of wacky happenstances catalogued in

48:25

the documentary Ratoui, Cecil went to

48:27

cooking school where he met Tom

48:29

Curry who was studying English. studying

48:32

English. Yeah, you just boil the

48:34

food. English is a really, is

48:36

a department. A culinary school. He

48:39

was boil everything. Done. Yes, there

48:41

were so many of us English

48:43

majors coming out of the culinary

48:45

at the time. When at last

48:48

Cecil had won the heart of

48:50

the food critic, he knew he

48:52

was ready to dive head first.

48:55

into the world and give the

48:57

gift of himself to the masses.

48:59

So he did the thing he

49:01

did best. He stabbed that rat

49:04

in the heart of his heart

49:06

and breathed in that rat's last

49:08

breath out at exactly midnight and

49:11

gained all his cooking knowledge. Some

49:13

say he still has that rat's

49:15

affection for cheese to this day.

49:18

Right, and then he mentored those

49:20

turtle ninjas. It's a cool story,

49:22

but tell us about Cecil and...

49:24

I shall, you see. Every Lone

49:27

Ranger needs his tanto every Batman

49:29

needs his Robin and also some

49:31

examples where the two aren't fucking

49:34

After having explained to him multiple

49:36

times that he couldn't study English

49:38

at Cecil's cooking school Tom and

49:40

Cecil started reading Yeah Tom and

49:43

Cecil started reading philosophy or something

49:45

and they were friends a friendship

49:47

that would turn out to be

49:50

a second only to my own

49:52

maybe third in Shakespeare's 12th night

49:54

the clown fiestie says Fools are

49:56

as like husbands as pillchards are

49:59

herrings. The husbands, the

50:01

the bigger. I don't I don't know

50:03

what that means, but I think a it's dip joke.

50:05

And I didn't know how to transition to

50:07

Sarah. So now I have. So now I

50:09

have. Good job me. Because yes, I am

50:11

Cecil's best best friend, his soul is

50:14

entwined with mine as no souls have

50:16

ever been or ever will be

50:18

again, but there is But there is

50:20

his wife. wife. We met. We met. a

50:22

a park. She She was drawing a

50:25

sweet crow crow wearing an shut mask,

50:27

dipping its feathers in blood. feathers in

50:29

said, That reminds me of

50:31

all the people I killed, And

50:33

they they knew would be they would

50:35

be second place in each

50:37

other's hearts forever. what what point

50:39

does this fictional biography over into

50:41

sexually harassing your co -worker, guys?

50:43

This is important to know. to know.

50:45

Okay, but but also a crow wearing an

50:48

an eyes shut mask, dip Dip against feathers

50:50

in the and an amazing. an amazing cake.

50:52

I have a hundred percent. Sarah's next try. have that

50:54

one, Sarah. one, Sarah. For honeymoon,

50:56

they they through the through the and brought back

50:58

some of those time of those god cats, which

51:00

they keep in their home. keep in their

51:02

home. Scientists guessed between are and and

51:04

three godcats in Cecil's any given time, but

51:06

there is no way to know

51:09

for sure. sure. The brave, The brave,

51:11

the the foolish, the full of them seek those

51:13

those cats trade belly rubs for a

51:15

glimpse into the future. into But

51:17

the future holds only death. And

51:19

what the cat sees what the be

51:21

unseen. be unseen. My favorite part part is

51:23

when I'm sleeping past their breakfast

51:25

and they stand on my chest they

51:27

my future chest I wake up.

51:29

Yeah, it's my favorite part. Yeah, it's

51:31

you favorite do they apply the

51:33

electrodes? up. How do they apply the electrodes?

51:36

The little bots. a rare lot. are

51:38

a jewels that function

51:40

that function not you, than

51:42

you. As would call you, you, Normis, I would would

51:44

never say that, because I am very

51:46

relatable and just like you. like you. But

51:48

Cecil says it all the time, just

51:51

so you know. you know. Anyways, we we cannot

51:53

speak words, we the the

51:55

way a normal person can. answering

51:57

questions, ordering from restaurants, we

51:59

fill fill with... words like come in a

52:01

teenager's ball okay come on release as

52:03

we explode like a teenager's ball so

52:06

Cecil started a podcast with his second

52:08

best friend Tom called everyone's a critic

52:10

it's a movie review show much like

52:12

god-awful movies available available wherever you get

52:15

your podcast but It wasn't nearly as

52:17

good. It was not nearly as good.

52:19

No, Tom said Goodfellas was only okay.

52:21

Okay. But that is still one of

52:24

my most raving and boring. It's over

52:26

long. It's true. What we learned from

52:28

everyone's critic, which I have heard every

52:30

episode of, is that Tom doesn't care

52:33

for film. The movie's factor. Not really

52:35

who? Not a fan. From there, Tom

52:37

and Cecil decided to enter the world

52:39

of secular activism. Podcast atheism looked so

52:42

different back then than it does today.

52:44

There was hinkerpunk, curtiao, hickory hour, the

52:46

Bible Belt something, the unholy whatever, and

52:48

also Tom and Cecil. Seth Andrews was

52:51

still Christian and Hemet Meadow was still

52:53

a math teacher. So being the only

52:55

atheist podcast that spoke fluid English was

52:57

a great benefit to Tom and Cecil.

53:00

And soon they soared to the top

53:02

of the chart. Yeah, we definitely nudged

53:04

that one guy out who wouldn't edit

53:06

out the part where of the recording

53:09

where he let his cat out. It

53:11

was a real tough room to get

53:13

into. One guy. Yeah, no. The two

53:15

guys. The one guy who spoke German

53:18

and did it and the other guy.

53:20

Eli actually had a show back then.

53:22

I think it was called mouth noises

53:24

before every sentence, but it was a

53:26

different category. Yes, exactly. Spoken like a

53:29

man who edits me. Then as you've

53:31

heard so many times today a miracle

53:33

happened Heath and Noah started a podcast

53:35

so that I Could eventually be on

53:38

it and with that promise on their

53:40

lips They were raised from the obscurity

53:42

of the honky-tonk Bible squank where they

53:44

shared the spotlight of cognitive dissonance and

53:47

then an episode of debris so hilarious

53:49

that it would lead to the very

53:51

program to which you listen. But none

53:53

of that matters. None of these people

53:56

matter. Because then I arrived. God, by

53:58

which I mean that guy from Ali

54:00

Baba, reached down and smote, Toys R

54:02

Us, leaving my tremendous genius without an

54:05

outlet. Heath and Noah came to me

54:07

on bended knee and whispered, And I

54:09

said, Sure. Yeah, okay, so we were

54:11

actually bending down to put a dollar

54:14

in Eli's hat at Washington Square Park

54:16

He's doing stupid. I don't know tricks

54:18

or some bullshit with cards or something.

54:20

So it was like nobody nothing. Yes,

54:23

I will lend you my genius and

54:25

we were like what? Yeah We didn't

54:27

ask you to lend us your genius.

54:29

You were desperate. We asked you to

54:32

sell it to us outright and you

54:34

did. It's true I did. We're fucking

54:36

bowl soup. Soup. It was crazy. Got

54:38

him Could have been the end of

54:41

things, my friend. Except for snarky email

54:43

about Halloween costumes which would set the

54:45

world of fire and bring Cecil and

54:47

I together at last. And that began

54:50

and ended. The very first time anyone

54:52

believed Eli Ba. See? Up at Yale,

54:54

a lady who totally turned out to

54:56

be a bigot wrote an email to

54:59

her students saying to look the other

55:01

way if they saw racist Halloween costumes.

55:03

And then her husband... ran across the

55:05

campus with his hands over his ears

55:08

to escape the consequences. In fact, he

55:10

was so ashamed of his actions that

55:12

he secretly invented a time machine to

55:14

destroy all the evidence of what he

55:16

had done. If not for the incredibly

55:19

reliable news source, yek, his actions would

55:21

have been hidden forever. But luckily, I,

55:23

investigative reporter Eli Boznik, appeared unathistically speaking

55:25

in cognitive dissonance to put the truth.

55:28

on the map. Yeah, Eli had called

55:30

no fact-checking like he was JD Vance

55:32

and the debates. I did, I did.

55:34

That was fun. I think it was

55:37

the first time we ever had to

55:39

put out an apology episode immediately following.

55:41

To say, Tom and Cecil are... You

55:43

don't have to make shit up to

55:46

find racist people in America, man. There's

55:48

so many real ones. Cecil and

55:50

an understatement. an said

55:52

of the episode, They

55:55

said the that was

55:57

the greatest episode we've

55:59

ever done, and

56:01

we'd like to apologize

56:04

to those of

56:06

you who were upset

56:08

about the things of

56:10

said were turned out

56:13

to be not

56:15

true. Eli praise like

56:17

that. to be not Yeah,

56:19

I actually think we

56:22

offered refunds to

56:24

our listeners, and this

56:26

was before refunds to our

56:28

listeners. Yeah. A Trying to give him

56:30

time. Yeah, he give an hour of your

56:33

life. was rough. Yeah, you had I'm

56:35

gonna die at an hour of

56:37

that episode, just. it was

56:39

that's why. I'm going to die

56:41

at 53, just from that episode. Oh, yeah,

56:44

A spark? A spark? it?

56:46

spark? Was I can't keep

56:48

doing this. I can't keep doing

56:51

this. That's ended the

56:53

podcast of the music just fades

56:55

in. Ha ha just fades in.

56:57

A spark? was lit.

56:59

A flame was flamid. was a

57:02

friendship And a friendship had

57:04

begun. a charity a charity needed money

57:06

to burn witches in Africa, I used

57:08

my insult powers to make sure

57:10

make sure they had When Keith needed several

57:12

Michelin star dinners a month to

57:14

keep him going, we

57:16

a forces and raised money

57:19

to make those dinners

57:21

possible. dinners And also maybe And some

57:23

stuff for some poor people, hopefully.

57:25

for some poor people. Just gonna jump

57:27

in right here to give here shot.

57:29

Thank you. a clean talk. It was

57:31

after the second of those the fundraisers

57:33

as Sweat ran down our as

57:35

backs and into our eyes. Where

57:37

do you think your eyes are, eyes.

57:39

Where do you said to each other, man?

57:41

We should start a podcast together a

57:44

stuff. together about stuff and things.

57:46

And was. it was and would

57:48

be. be. Amen. All right, Noah, you

57:50

brought this All right, Noah,

57:52

you you brought this monstrosity upon us. If you had

57:54

to summarize what you've learned in one sentence. What

57:56

would it be? This was a terrible mistake

57:58

and I've ruined ruined 2020. five already, sorry. Fair

58:01

enough. All right, Noah, are you ready for

58:03

the quiz? I guess so, why not? Cecil,

58:05

what is your favorite thing about me? It's

58:07

an essay question. I thought I was just

58:09

gonna jump in right here for you, Cecil.

58:11

No, thanks. I appreciate it. Clean cut. Okay,

58:14

Noah, which are the following is the most

58:16

tragic element of today's discussion? A. Tom competing

58:18

for his mother's love with an alcoholic monkey.

58:20

Uh-huh. My complete lack of any distinctive quality

58:22

ever, that's fun. C. One of Cecil's recurring

58:25

childhood nightmares of an oil refinery explosion was

58:27

actually a real oil refinery explosion happening next

58:29

to him again. Or D. Eli's understanding of

58:31

his relationship with Cesar. God, that's a tough

58:33

one because they are all pretty fucking tragic.

58:35

I'm going to go with Secret Answer E,

58:38

the fact that I didn't even make it

58:40

into this fucking question. That was correct. Okay,

58:42

okay, I do have one about Eli everybody,

58:44

so let me just do this. We all

58:46

know Eli's pension for lying about pretty much

58:48

everything. So with that in mind, what is

58:51

his favorite TV show as a kid? A,

58:53

misleading rainbow. Spurriest George C my little phony

58:55

or D Shmucktails. Oh, it's got to be

58:57

D. Shmucktails. It's got 100% All right. Well

58:59

Cecil talked about me last so he wins

59:02

All right. Well, Cecil talked about me last

59:04

so he wins All right. Well for everyone

59:06

that isn't me and also me I'm me.

59:08

Thank you for hanging out with me tonight.

59:10

We'll be back next week, and by then,

59:12

we'll do a show like normal again. Between

59:15

now and then, you can hear me, on

59:17

dear old dad, skating, atheist, god-awful movies, D&D-minus,

59:19

the Skeptocrat, and even a couple episodes. It's

59:21

a cognitive distance. Those aren't up anymore. Those

59:23

other guys. And if you like to help

59:25

keep the show going, you And

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or check the show

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notes. Be sure to

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check out on social media or check

1:00:00

the show notes. And to check out

1:00:02

citation Christmas. hey, Cecil. Merry Christmas. This

1:00:05

comes out at the

1:00:07

beginning of January, man.

1:00:09

Fuck you of January, man. Fuck

1:00:11

you guys, mom is such

1:00:13

a good writer. a good

1:00:15

writer. Such a great writer. Leave that

1:00:18

hot, kids. It's like you like

1:00:20

you don't even care

1:00:22

about exploration. I do. I I

1:00:24

do. what I just

1:00:26

find what happened along

1:00:29

the way Oh, so Oh,

1:00:31

so is is funny you? I

1:00:33

mean, yeah, I mean, yeah,

1:00:35

Tom, we're Tom, we're starting

1:00:37

to roast back up.

1:00:39

up. Are all the

1:00:42

explorers done yelling at

1:00:44

you? at you? Yeah, I think think

1:00:46

they're done. didn't make

1:00:48

any difference. any So

1:00:50

mean. So my own my own

1:00:52

You don't see how

1:00:55

that's funny. that's funny? No! In

1:00:57

the the dry states

1:00:59

of the southwest, there's a

1:01:01

group that's been denied

1:01:03

a basic human right.

1:01:06

In the Navajo Nation today,

1:01:08

a third of our

1:01:10

households don't have running

1:01:12

water. But that's not

1:01:14

something they chose for

1:01:16

themselves. they Can the

1:01:19

Navajo people reclaim their

1:01:21

right to water and

1:01:23

contend with the government's

1:01:25

legacy of control and

1:01:27

neglect? legacy of control and neglect? That's

1:01:31

in the next season of

1:01:33

of reclaimed the of Navajo Nation.

1:01:35

Listen now, wherever you get

1:01:37

your your podcast