0:17

Welcome to Coping with Ghosting , the podcast

0:20

that provides hope , healing

0:22

and understanding for anyone

0:24

who has been ghosted . I'm your

0:26

host , Gretta , and if you're

0:29

struggling to feel safe and secure

0:31

in a romantic relationship

0:33

or friendship after being ghosted

0:36

, this show is for you

0:38

. My guest , Karen Robinson

0:40

, is a mental health therapist

0:42

, trauma recovery expert

0:45

and transformation coach with

0:47

25 years of clinical

0:49

experience . Karen's also

0:51

the host of the Heal Thrive

0:53

Dream podcast and CEO

0:56

and founder of Heal Thrive Dream

0:58

, a mother-daughter company that

1:00

includes a wide range of services

1:02

and products for women recovering

1:05

from trauma . Thank you so much for

1:07

joining me today , Karen .

1:10

Thank you , Gretta , for such a nice intro

1:12

today .

1:14

Karen , after I was ghosted

1:16

by my friend in high school , I

1:19

was scarred , okay . So when

1:22

I went off to college I honestly

1:24

was afraid to make new

1:26

friends because I felt like

1:28

it was going to happen again , cause I

1:31

have been super close to my friend at

1:33

my school . But one

1:35

day I went up to her to ask

1:38

her something and she just turned around and

1:40

walked away and that was the last time I talked to

1:42

her for years

1:44

and years . So it really

1:46

took me a while to open

1:49

up to people in college and

1:51

begin to feel safe in relationships

1:54

again romantic and

1:56

friendships and I know that many of

1:58

my listeners are hesitant

2:00

to open their hearts and start dating

2:03

or make new friends after experiencing

2:06

the trauma of being ghosted . So

2:08

I'd love for you to dive

2:10

into ways that listeners

2:12

can feel safe in relationships

2:15

.

2:16

Sure thing . The first thing

2:18

I would like to say is I am so sorry

2:20

that happened to you , not

2:24

kind , and you deserved much

2:27

better than that . For

2:30

listeners who have

2:32

experienced this , I

2:34

think it's really important to remember not

2:36

to give up on

2:39

building relationships with others

2:41

. There's several reasons for that

2:43

, but the main reason is

2:45

that we heal within community

2:48

. We are made to be in relationship

2:50

with one another and , yes

2:53

, that means being hurt from time to time

2:55

. Healing

2:57

is possible , hope is possible . I

3:02

think working on our self-talk after

3:04

an event like that is huge . Self-talk

3:08

ideas would be saying things like

3:11

I deserve

3:13

to be in healthy relationships

3:15

. I am lovable

3:18

. I

3:21

have the ability to

3:23

make close friendships . Now

3:27

, if those don't resonate with you because

3:31

you talk in a different way , that's okay . Like

3:34

it's practicing and finding

3:36

the words that will work for you . Nothing

3:39

will work for everyone the same way

3:41

because we're not cookies , right , so

3:44

cookie cutter approaches just don't tend to work

3:46

Like for me . I love

3:49

the belief . I am lovable After

3:52

I experience a relationship with

3:54

someone that's unkind or

3:57

unhealthy , toxic . It

4:00

almost takes the triple the effort

4:02

and there is research behind this . I don't know

4:05

the exact stat or number . Our

4:08

brain gravitates to the negativity

4:11

, because we need those warnings

4:13

for survival . So

4:16

it takes a lot more positive

4:18

statements to kind of override

4:20

our negative experiences

4:23

, to override that negative

4:25

tape that's playing so

4:27

, feeding yourself

4:29

lots and lots of affirmations or counters

4:32

. Again , I deserve

4:34

healthy relationships . I

4:37

am lovable whatever it is for you

4:39

. So that's my biggest suggestion

4:43

. Now , some people , because

4:46

of our subconscious saboteur

4:49

I'm not sure if I'm saying that right word

4:51

right now , but we still

4:53

sabotage a lot and so

4:56

if that's you and

4:58

if you're someone that changing

5:01

your thoughts is more difficult , then I would

5:03

recommend taking courses in

5:06

cognitive behavioral therapy and

5:08

I teach that . I have a basic level

5:10

and an advanced level , but there's also

5:13

workbooks and things like that that you can purchase

5:15

to help you with that and what

5:17

that does . It helps you track your

5:19

negative thinking style , it

5:22

helps you challenge your

5:24

thoughts by teaching different analytical

5:26

tools to really challenge

5:29

the way you think , and then it helps

5:31

you reframe into a more healthier

5:33

thought . So I

5:35

call it my clients who

5:38

struggle more with negative

5:41

thoughts Maybe there's high depression

5:43

or anxiety is

5:45

a little higher than we do . Cognitive behavioral

5:47

therapy work Okay . So

5:49

that's two things so far . Or

5:52

the simple version

5:54

is just jumping to positive affirmations

5:56

or counters . If that's difficult

5:59

, the more complex step would be to

6:01

do some cognitive behavioral

6:03

work step

6:09

would be to do some cognitive behavioral work .

6:10

Okay , so the cognitive behavioral therapy course that you offer sounds

6:12

really helpful and interesting , because I think it's

6:14

good for any listener to

6:17

do a deep dive into this topic

6:19

. If they're really struggling with this

6:21

, I know that that could help

6:23

them learn a lot of personal skills

6:25

and tools that will transform

6:27

their relationships , so I love that idea .

6:32

Perfect , and I can also

6:34

give you the link for listeners . If

6:36

anyone's interested in that

6:38

, I'm happy to help with that . So

6:41

another tip is work

6:43

on finding your community

6:46

of people that get you

6:48

accept you . And when

6:50

we talk about communities , I think

6:53

this too is a deep dive on

6:55

where to find your people

6:57

. So one

6:59

idea is , if you're a person of

7:02

faith or any kind of spiritual connection

7:04

, is finding that

7:07

source . So it might be I

7:09

call it church shopping , or

7:11

it could be temple shopping , moth

7:13

shopping , like . Whatever your religious background

7:15

is , um . Or if you're not

7:17

religious , is there another like

7:20

are you , do you like

7:22

stoic ? You know

7:24

readings about stoicism . There's

7:28

people who really love that and the

7:30

reading is actually really well

7:32

done . I find it quite inspiring . So

7:34

, finding like-minded people

7:37

. It could be spiritual , it

7:39

could be sports If

7:41

you love sports , like are there any rec teams

7:43

that you could get involved in ? I

7:46

am also an avid reader

7:48

. I love books

7:50

. I probably go through three a week . So

7:53

book clubs can be placed

7:55

with like-minded people . When

7:58

you find like-minded people , it's

8:00

just easier to

8:02

engage and make connections . Especially

8:04

if we're a little shy or

8:06

have been bamdoozled

8:08

before from toxic

8:10

relationships , it can help us practice

8:13

being more confident . Again , concept

8:29

of meetups because you can safely interact with people based on interest in groups , so it's

8:31

less intimidating . It feels safer too , especially if you move to

8:33

a new area , but from

8:35

there it's an opportunity

8:38

to make closer relationships as well

8:40

through that . So that's another tip

8:42

I really like

8:44

Listeners may know , because I've talked about

8:46

it in other podcast episodes that I

8:48

love meetups too and

8:50

it's one of my favorite places

8:52

to make new friends . And

8:55

I have a follow-up question on that , because

8:58

I feel like some

9:00

of my listeners may be hopeful

9:03

and optimistic and even

9:05

excited to

9:07

go to a meetup group or a sports

9:10

rec club or something

9:12

like that , or a book club

9:14

, but they might still

9:17

be genuinely terrified of getting

9:19

too friendly and too emotionally

9:21

involved with people because

9:24

unfriendly and too emotionally

9:26

involved with people , because and I'm going to do a quote from my um , one of my online communities

9:28

because people can be nice

9:30

and charming and sweet and adore you today

9:33

and then tomorrow they may never

9:35

speak to you again . So I'm

9:37

just wondering what , how , what

9:39

you would say to somebody who's feeling that way

9:41

.

9:44

I really love that question . I

9:47

think one of the

9:50

best mindset tips

9:52

around this is you

9:55

don't want to be in relationship

9:57

with someone who's fake or

9:59

doesn't have your best interests at heart

10:01

. So the

10:04

minute someone does that to

10:06

you and

10:08

I know this is a challenging thing , I'm

10:10

not saying this is easy . I

10:13

think it's important to work so

10:15

you're at the place where you can

10:17

say , oh , thank goodness

10:20

, because that person is not

10:22

meant to be in my life . Now

10:25

I know . So now

10:27

I can move on and find my

10:29

people that are going to be healthy . So

10:33

, hopefully , if you're meeting someone that's

10:35

going to do that , they do it really quickly

10:37

. And then practicing

10:40

and I tell people too , with this with

10:42

dating , like finding

10:44

out on the third date that

10:46

someone is mean or toxic

10:49

is way better than the 50th date , right

10:51

? And of course , the

10:53

person on the third date when they thought this , like

10:56

they're excited , like , oh , things

10:58

are going so well , they're hopeful

11:00

. You know it can be devastating

11:02

to learn something hard . You

11:05

know about this person or they're rejecting in some

11:08

way . But if we practice

11:10

the mindset of , oh

11:12

, I have gratitude

11:15

to learn this now , because

11:17

now I can move on to

11:19

find my healthy people to be

11:22

in relationship with find

11:27

my healthy people to be in relationship with .

11:28

When somebody thinks , okay , this person seems really nice . I've been going to meetups

11:30

for a while now . I've seen

11:32

them every week . They seem like a genuine

11:34

nice person , but

11:36

I'm afraid , I'm afraid

11:39

, I'm scared to take this friendship to

11:41

the next level and maybe hang out

11:43

with them outside of this group or

11:45

, you know , go go out to

11:47

dinner with them , do something else

11:49

, because I'm afraid of being ghosted

11:52

. What would you

11:54

say to that person ?

11:55

Yeah

11:59

, For that person

12:01

. I would suggest thinking

12:04

about all the steps involved . Let's

12:08

say there's four steps and I'm just making

12:10

that number off at the top of my head

12:12

and

12:14

just slowly do the baby steps

12:16

so you're working in that direction . So

12:20

, for an example could be just something as

12:22

simple as you

12:24

know , asking that person

12:26

for their phone number . So

12:29

like , oh , you know , it's okay if I text you once in

12:31

a while , you know , to talk

12:33

about acts like whatever the mutual activity

12:36

is . You know , that

12:38

could be like step A and

12:41

again , this may not even be in the right order

12:43

. Like , I really feel like I need to know the person

12:45

in order to help them with the steps

12:47

in the order , because everybody's kind

12:49

of on a different journey . But

12:52

another tip would be to

12:54

be honest with that person and just

12:56

say , hey , I want

12:58

to share with you and this is me being

13:00

vulnerable . You

13:02

know I've had a recent

13:05

rejection from someone , so

13:07

it's made me a little shy and hesitant

13:09

. You know , do you

13:11

have any thoughts about that ? Like

13:13

, would you be interested in

13:15

us connecting and going

13:17

out to lunch and just

13:19

gauging that ? You know , taking those little baby

13:21

steps I think can be helpful

13:24

Because then , if the person is

13:26

, they have an opportunity

13:28

to say I don't think we're a good fit

13:30

, you know , or however

13:33

they say it , and then it's good

13:35

to you know . It's good to know because now you can move

13:37

on to building those healthy relationships

13:39

with someone else , someone

13:48

else you know . And another step is you know , just let's say that you really want to go on a camping

13:50

excursion with this person , but you're doing these baby steps , you know so . Then

13:52

, of course , another step would be going out for coffee

13:54

or tea . So

13:57

I hope that concept of baby steps is helpful

14:00

. And again , if you have a therapist

14:02

, it would be really great to work with them on

14:04

like a plan or someone

14:06

that you trust with the plan

14:08

.

14:10

That is great advice and

14:13

something that is

14:15

important to remember . When you're

14:17

just meeting people , you just take it one

14:19

day at a time . This

14:22

episode is sponsored by BetterHelp

14:25

, so being ghosted can be extremely

14:28

upsetting and overwhelming like

14:30

a punch to the gut . It

14:32

can bring out past emotional wounds

14:35

and intense feelings , and

14:37

what really helps is talking about

14:39

these issues with a therapist . Regardless

14:42

of whether you have clinical mental health

14:45

issues like depression or anxiety

14:47

, or if you're just a human who lives

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in this world and is going through a hard time

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, therapy can give you

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tools to approach your life

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in a very different way , and

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that's why I'm excited to tell you about today's

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supporting my podcast . So

16:47

now let's go back to the

16:49

other things you were going

16:51

to share about how to feel safe

16:54

in relationships .

16:57

Yeah , now this . I

16:59

don't know if this tip will necessarily help

17:01

with safety . I think that's an

17:03

interesting word that

17:05

I want to come back to . But

17:08

in terms of having

17:11

those flags in relationships

17:13

when you're trying to figure out , let's

17:16

take dating , for example and I think

17:18

this could work for friendships too , but

17:20

dating is a little bit easier to

17:22

describe this with . When

17:25

I was coming

17:27

after a divorce with someone

17:30

that was toxic , one

17:32

of the things I stumbled across

17:34

in my work is I was doing some couples counseling

17:37

at the time . I don't I

17:39

don't like the name of this book at all

17:41

, but it was really helpful . It's

17:43

called the Idiot's Guide to

17:46

Healthy Relationships . Okay

17:49

, terrible name , but

17:54

I was feeling like an idiot because here I was a couples therapist struggling myself

17:56

within relationships . It's like hello

17:58

, didn't you study this ? Like what's going on here

18:01

? Well , first of all , it takes

18:03

two people to make a healthy relationship

18:05

right . You can't control the other person

18:07

and , second of all , we

18:10

as individuals always have work to

18:12

do to be as healthy

18:14

as possible ourselves . So

18:16

I was working on my part after

18:19

that relationship failed , and

18:21

so I studied that book and

18:23

then I started to use it in my client sessions

18:26

and what I really found

18:28

impactful is this

18:30

concept of flags the

18:33

red flags , yellow flags and green

18:36

flags Okay , and

18:38

so I use this process when

18:41

I started to date again and it was

18:43

incredibly helpful . So

18:46

let's start with the red flags . The red flags

18:48

are no-goes . You do not

18:50

want to be in relationship with people the red flags the red flags are no-goes . You do not want to be in relationship

18:52

with people with red flags . And

18:55

for me because

18:57

I had a lot of breathing problems is I

19:00

will not date a smoker

19:02

. Cigarettes are

19:04

off the table or smoking anything really

19:06

. Now that's I

19:08

didn't think of it at the the time , but that

19:10

probably would be true for friends too as

19:14

well friends to go away with , especially in

19:16

hotel rooms or camping or something . I

19:18

think I do have a couple friends now that

19:20

smoke , but when we are doing

19:23

activities together they're not smoking , like we

19:25

go to the movies , or one

19:28

of my friends actually is in my Bible study group . I know

19:30

she smokes . So I don't

19:32

judge people for smoking . I just

19:34

know that like talk about

19:36

, like dating , to kiss someone

19:38

they

19:43

can't be a smoker . If you've got breathing problems , that's

19:45

. That's a no go . So red flag was an example . Is smoking . Now , when I was dating , I was a

19:47

single mother because I had a child

19:50

in my . Now , when I was dating , I was a single mother because I had a child in my marriage . So

19:52

a yellow flag for me was

19:55

children the other person having

19:57

children Like I could go either way . Now

20:09

, when I say I could go either

20:12

way , meaning if they had maybe one

20:14

or two , but I actually went on a date with someone who had something

20:16

like seven children and so that , so the number of children mattered . I

20:21

did not want to be an instant mother of you know , I had two on my own at that point

20:23

, cause I had one in the marriage , and then I adopted a child as

20:26

a single mom . So I was like

20:28

, taking on all those other children

20:30

, that's a no go for me . That's just that's not going to all those other children . That's a no-go for me , that's just , that's

20:33

not going to be healthy for me . That's a lot of responsibilities

20:36

. And then the green flags

20:38

are what you must have in

20:40

a relationship and I

20:43

would say this goes closely with your value

20:45

system , right , and

20:47

so if you're a bleeding heart liberal

20:50

with social justice causes

20:53

and just have

20:55

a passion for that , you're

20:57

probably gonna not do

20:59

so well , especially

21:01

in close , intimate relationships with

21:03

someone who's extremely conservative . Okay

21:06

, I'm not saying it doesn't happen

21:08

, but for some people that

21:10

is a red flag . Other people can do it . You

21:13

know , I have tried to

21:16

date people outside of my political

21:18

affiliation and it's no go for

21:20

me because my values are tied

21:23

up in my voting practices , right

21:26

. So those are just

21:28

some kind of examples . So , knowing

21:30

what your flags are , what

21:32

your green flags are , what your values are

21:34

, knowing what are no-goes

21:36

for you . I had a client

21:38

once that went away with a friend

21:40

and they stayed in a resort

21:43

. They were in a hotel room . That

21:54

friend had brought a lot of drugs illegal drugs with her and my client had a security

21:57

clearance , a high level security clearance . So , as you can imagine

21:59

, that put her in an immediate

22:01

state of high anxiety to

22:04

be rooming with someone with all these drugs

22:07

. And then the friend started

22:09

partaking and became

22:11

aggressive . Okay

22:14

, so we talked . When she came back

22:16

, she now has this book as well . Okay

22:18

, so next

22:21

time you choose to go away with a friend

22:23

, having some pre-calls , pre-conversations

22:26

on what's not , okay . Any

22:30

questions about the flags ?

22:33

I love the flags and I have a whole

22:35

episode it's all about

22:37

red flags and ghosting , so

22:40

I completely agree . I believe that

22:42

we need to know the red flags . I'd

22:46

like to share some questions from the

22:48

listening community and the

22:50

Facebook community in particular

22:53

. I have been ghosted in the past

22:55

and now I fear that my partner

22:57

will leave me . What are

23:00

reasonable things to ask a partner

23:02

to help me feel more safe in my

23:04

relationship ? I tend

23:06

to need a lot of reassurance

23:08

.

23:09

Yeah , really great question . Tend

23:13

to need a lot of reassurance . Yeah , really great question . So , first of all , you want

23:15

to be with a partner that isn't stingy with reassurance

23:18

. They should hand it to you on a plate

23:20

, okay , but you have to

23:22

verbalize that you're

23:24

feeling insecure

23:27

. If that's what your experience

23:29

is right now , you , you know . So it

23:31

could be something like look , I know that

23:34

this isn't necessarily healthy , but

23:36

right now I'm struggling with insecurity

23:39

. Are you going to be okay

23:41

with giving me reassurance and

23:45

then stating directly what you need

23:47

to make that happen ? It

23:50

could be for , for example , now I recommend

23:52

this more if the relationship

23:54

is at a deeper level

23:56

, where there's a commitment , because otherwise

23:58

it's too intrusive

24:01

, I think . So , let's say , you've

24:04

been dating for a long time and it looks

24:06

more serious . I think it's okay

24:08

to say you know . One of the things that would help me feel

24:10

better is if we had

24:12

joint

24:15

or mutual access to each other's

24:18

email

24:20

, phone texting

24:22

. I would just feel better to

24:25

be able to see in your phone

24:27

that you're not in relationship

24:29

with other women able

24:32

to see in your phone that you're not in relationship with other women . That would help

24:34

reassure me With someone with nothing to hide . That's

24:36

going to be . That's a no brainer

24:38

. Yeah , like I was

24:40

sure you know , I hope that helps you

24:43

feel better Now . If someone

24:45

you're dating is too

24:47

private , that

24:50

could just be their value , or it could be

24:52

that they're hiding something , but

24:54

either way , they're not a match for you right now

24:56

. If you're feeling insecure and

24:58

you need that reassurance

25:03

, you know . So it really is about

25:05

being in relationship

25:08

with people that value you where

25:10

you're at and you

25:12

valuing where they're at . So

25:15

if privacy if

25:18

you're not valuing somebody else's

25:20

privacy because your need for

25:22

reassurance , being able to say

25:24

that and getting on the same page with

25:26

that so

25:28

that's one thing I

25:30

would recommend .

25:33

How often is it okay

25:35

to ask a partner for reassurance

25:37

? Is there such thing as

25:39

too much ?

25:43

I think it can feel that way in the beginning . I

25:47

think if the partner

25:49

is super willing to do it and

25:51

is open to it , a thousand percent of

25:53

the time that need will

25:55

go away . Actually , I'm very sure it will

25:57

go away . The problem

26:00

is , if you're in a relationship with someone toxic

26:02

, it'll

26:04

just get worse . Thus

26:07

, toxic relationships are not what you want . Thus help . Toxic relationships are not

26:09

what you want , right .

26:12

And so what are some signs in

26:15

a partner that aren't

26:17

verbal that would could

26:20

reassure you that you're in a trustworthy

26:24

, secure relationship . What

26:29

are some signs to look for ?

26:30

I think someone that will , you

26:32

know , leave their phone around like they're not hiding

26:34

it . Someone that

26:36

doesn't close their computer when

26:38

you walk in the room like

26:40

it's open and if

26:43

you're walking by you can see kind

26:45

of thing . Now , of course , there's exceptions

26:48

, like I'm a therapist . If my husband

26:50

comes into the room , he knows I have

26:52

to . If I'm writing a client note , he

26:54

knows . But he also

26:56

knows he can trust me at this point

26:59

. Right , he doesn't have any need to be

27:01

reassured that I'm not doing something

27:03

I'm not supposed to . Yeah

27:14

, so I think just someone that's very open with you , you know , and willing to be open

27:16

with you . So , for example , if

27:18

your partner says I'm

27:20

going out with my friends on this night

27:23

, if you say

27:25

something like okay , well , could

27:27

could you call and check in with me and

27:30

reassure me , that should be a no-brainer

27:32

like oh sure , no problem . If

27:35

someone really cares about you

27:37

and they're healthy , they're

27:40

going to want to do those things . That's

27:42

what love is . So

27:45

if someone doesn't want to reassure you

27:47

or do little things to help

27:49

you feel more

27:51

secure , they're not someone

27:54

I would want to be in a relationship with and

27:56

I know that , personally and professionally

27:59

, at this point I

28:01

agree .

28:01

I have another

28:03

question from the listening

28:05

community . I've

28:08

suffered PTSD around

28:10

being ghosted . Now I

28:12

have a hard time trusting people , even

28:14

if they seem great . How

28:16

do I know ? The difference between

28:19

anxiety and my gut

28:21

feelings Is

28:25

my anxiety

28:28

, intuition or trauma .

28:30

This question is way more complex , right ? Sometimes

28:32

I don't think we can tell because

28:35

it's so enmeshed with each

28:37

other , and

28:39

I think that's okay . A

28:45

tip I have on this would

28:47

be decreasing

28:50

the anxiety as a general goal . So

28:53

an example would be practicing

28:56

meditation to a high

28:59

degree . So if you met

29:01

people that meditate

29:03

religiously and consistently , they

29:05

aren't anxious at all . That's

29:07

research proven . And I know that

29:10

we can't be a monk and go move into the mountains

29:12

super easy , Like if you have a career

29:14

and a family and all that . But

29:17

you can do pieces of that and

29:19

research shows even a couple minutes a day can

29:22

make a difference . But of course

29:24

you want to build that skill

29:26

up . Now I have people who

29:28

are anxious tell me oh , I can't do this , I can't

29:30

sit still . The more anxious

29:33

you are , the more you need

29:35

to do this , the more practice

29:37

. It's okay to start out with two

29:39

minutes and go to three minutes , you know , and

29:41

build yourself up . So

29:44

that would take care of the anxiety

29:46

over time . Now if

29:48

you have a family history of anxiety

29:50

or if you feel like it's chemically related

29:52

, then you know , of course

29:55

you may benefit from what's called

29:57

an antidepressant . An

29:59

antidepressant helps with both anxiety

30:02

and depression and is not addictive

30:04

. Meds that are

30:06

specific for anxiety , those

30:09

are called benzos and

30:11

those are addictive and I

30:13

do not recommend those , no

30:15

matter how anxious you are . I

30:19

think there could be a couple exceptions

30:21

, like for breakthrough panic , if

30:24

you're completely debilitated

30:26

by anxiety , but that would be under a

30:29

close care under

30:31

your physician . But overall

30:33

, benzos are not

30:36

healthy for the long term . They

30:38

cause dependency issues . So

30:43

meditation I recommend meditation

30:46

all day long , every day , and

30:48

I'm not so great about practicing

30:50

what I preach , but I do know , based

30:52

on when I am consistent and based

30:54

on research , it's one of the best

30:57

ways to work on bringing

30:59

down your anxiety and also

31:01

increasing your confidence . When

31:10

you're more centered , you're going to be more confident in the

31:12

decisions that you're making and trusting your intuition . So I hope I answered

31:14

it . I know it's not like do A

31:17

and everything's going to be okay . It's not one

31:19

of those types of questions or answers .

31:22

I love meditation so much

31:24

and I just got a habit

31:26

tracker which I have on my wall and

31:29

I have meditation on

31:31

it and it's supposed to be one of my daily practices

31:34

. The app I would

31:36

recommend for meditation is called

31:38

insight timer and it's free

31:40

, and so I'll put a link to it in the show notes

31:42

, and there's several different apps

31:45

online that have timers

31:47

and guided meditations . You

31:49

can even go to YouTube to find any

31:51

type of meditation that you like

31:54

, and I highly recommend it . It's great . I

31:58

have another question . There's

32:00

a question that says I

32:03

was ghosted by a person who told me

32:05

I'd never ghost you , and

32:08

now I have trouble believing people's

32:10

words , and I'm currently in a

32:12

relationship with a great person

32:14

and they constantly reassure

32:16

me that things are fine , but

32:19

how can I manage my

32:21

anxiety here

32:23

it comes up again around being

32:26

abandoned .

32:27

I'm tempted to leave the relationship

32:30

before they leave me

32:32

well

32:35

, leaving is always an option , but

32:38

I think you're going to find yourself constantly

32:42

leaving , and that's kind

32:44

of the opposite of what your goal is , if your

32:46

goal is to be in

32:49

a healthy relationship . I'd

32:52

like to put this tidbit out too , and

32:54

I don't know if it's necessarily reassuring

32:56

, but I think it's factual and

33:00

so it can help with mind

33:02

shift , mind shifting . And

33:06

this is the thing about relationships

33:08

. There are just no guarantees

33:11

. Nobody

33:14

can reassure you and

33:17

mean it forever . Nobody

33:21

can marry

33:23

you Like marriage is supposed to be this commitment forever and

33:25

ever , can marry you Like marriage is supposed

33:27

to be this commitment forever

33:30

and ever . And how do you explain divorce

33:32

if people mean what they say on their wedding

33:35

day ? That's the best way

33:37

I can think of to say it that way . So

33:40

I talk to

33:42

people about when you have one foot

33:45

in and one foot out of a relationship

33:47

, like you're kind of on guard , waiting

33:49

for them to leave or waiting for them

33:51

to mess up or waiting for

33:53

yourself to sabotage it or leave

33:55

. It just doesn't

33:57

work . You can't have

34:00

one foot in , one foot out and expect

34:02

it to work , because

34:04

there's no guarantees in relationships . People

34:06

could wake up and

34:09

leave . We

34:12

could wake up and leave . That's free

34:14

will . Everybody has that choice . So

34:17

since there's no guarantees and

34:19

that you could get hurt , why

34:23

not just be in a relationship with two

34:25

feet in ? We

34:27

think being on guard will protect our

34:29

heart and help us feel less pain . But

34:31

there is no evidence . You

34:34

know , pain is pain . You have a half

34:36

a foot in . It

34:38

just doesn't work . If it worked , I would say , do

34:40

that , but it really doesn't work . So two

34:42

feet in . There are no guarantees

34:45

of the relationships . Take

34:51

people at their word until they give you evidence of not being able

34:53

to do so any longer .

34:56

Thank you for sharing your wisdom around

34:59

that . I think that's going to help a lot of people

35:01

. I want to circle back to the original question . I want to

35:03

circle back to the original

35:05

question . Are there any

35:07

other ways that

35:10

listeners can feel safe in relationships

35:13

? We've

35:15

discussed a lot . I'm just wondering if you have any other advice

35:19

around this .

35:23

Well , some of this advice , I think

35:25

, is probably just Well

35:45

. Some of this advice , I think-defense

35:47

courses , Because when

35:49

we do that physically it helps

35:51

with feeling emotionally safe as well

35:53

, because it's just confidence . So

35:56

I think self-defense , I think

35:58

working on your confidence . We

36:00

talked about affirmations earlier but mantras

36:03

is something similar but they're sometimes

36:06

kind of shorter and more concise . So it's doing

36:08

the Wonder Woman pose , where

36:11

your hands are on your hips , your chest is out

36:13

, your head is looking

36:16

up . If you're voluptuous , you

36:18

know , putting that out there , looking

36:22

as confident as possible , like practicing

36:24

that pose can help

36:26

us with our safety . It

36:30

could be having like a little alarm

36:33

on your key ring . There's all kinds of things

36:35

to help with safety and you

36:38

know , I know the person who wrote that

36:40

probably is meaning emotional safety

36:42

. But because our

36:44

physical bodies bear

36:47

so much of the anxiety when

36:50

we don't feel emotionally safe , working

36:52

on those areas will help with that . So it's all interconnected

36:55

Because , remember , our brains and our bodies

36:57

are in one

36:59

vessel , so

37:02

what helps with one thing can help with another . If you

37:04

work on your mental mindset , you're

37:06

going to be physically healthy . If

37:11

you work on your physical health , you're going to be physically healthy . If you work on your

37:13

physical health , you're going to be mentally healthy .

37:18

Those are all great points , and if you're starting to date somebody , or if you're starting

37:20

to hang out with a friend or a potential friend that you met

37:23

individually at a meetup

37:25

group and now you're doing

37:27

something one-on-one , always make sure

37:29

that you're going to meet them , you

37:32

know , in the beginning , in a safe space

37:34

. So a public space like a coffee

37:37

shop during the daytime that's well

37:39

lit , so that you feel

37:41

like you know there's other people around

37:43

. If something happens , they'll see it . You're

37:46

not going to be alone with them in their bedroom

37:49

. So that's another way to feel safe . Is

37:52

there anything else you'd like to share

37:54

about ghosting or being

37:56

ghosted in general ?

38:00

I want to repeat the point about not giving up

38:02

on safe relationships or

38:04

healthy relationships . I

38:08

like the idea , too , of having

38:12

a person where you share your

38:14

location with on your

38:16

phone . My daughters

38:18

and I do that for each other and I

38:20

love that . My daughter , who's in college

38:23

she's almost 21

38:25

. I love that . She trusts

38:29

me enough for her location to be

38:31

on and because she

38:33

trusts me and I trust her , I

38:36

don't even actually I've never even looked

38:38

at it as my other daughter that will

38:40

look at it who's 14 . She tracks

38:42

down her sister like oh well , we

38:44

won't call her right , now's working , but

38:47

I think it's just so reassuring

38:49

for family too , if

38:51

for young women , but it can be any

38:53

. Any age at age doesn't make

38:56

you more safe . It probably makes you

38:58

have this false idea

39:01

like you're too wise for something to happen

39:03

. But anyway

39:05

, the point is sharing your location

39:07

I think can be helpful , right

39:11

, yeah , even Uber

39:13

rides . I share it when I'm in my Uber . They have

39:15

that option on on there where

39:17

you can share with somebody else

39:19

so they can track your route . I

39:22

love that . I love those little safety features

39:24

.

39:25

That's great and for anybody

39:28

who's dating , whenever

39:30

I'm coaching , I recommend that they

39:32

screenshot the image

39:34

of the person they're going on the date with

39:37

and share it with

39:39

somebody they trust , who they know can

39:41

be there for them , and have say okay , I'm going

39:43

on a date at this time and

39:45

this is the person I'm going on a date at this time

39:47

and this is the person I'm going with and I'm going to text you by

39:49

10 PM tonight . If not , give me a call

39:51

and have a plan in place for

39:53

if I don't reach out to you . Yeah

39:56

.

39:56

Another idea is to do a background check . It

39:59

may not be feasible for the first

40:01

date per se , but if if

40:03

it's getting to the point where you're going to allow them to

40:05

pick you up and go somewhere

40:08

, you may want to pay to

40:10

have a background check done

40:12

. Obviously , it won't

40:14

make things a hundred . I mean there's

40:17

criminals who don't have a background check right

40:19

, but at

40:21

least you'll know if they already

40:23

have a record of stalking or

40:25

domestic violence . You will find

40:28

out that way . So I've done

40:30

that quite a bit when I was dating too is

40:32

just go ahead and pay , and it really

40:34

helped me feel safe when

40:46

I was dating . Yeah , thank

40:49

you . So healthrivedreamcom

40:51

and I have a free

40:53

gift on the homepage

40:55

of the website . It's called the Hope Tool , so

40:58

people who want to stay in touch or connected

41:01

with my work can

41:03

see the link for that

41:05

. It's healthrivedreamcom

41:08

. Forward slash , get

41:10

hyphen hope , and

41:13

I will also provide Gretta with the CBT

41:15

course link , just in case

41:17

you have a listener that's interested

41:20

in that .

41:21

Thank , you and I

41:23

will put all that information in the

41:25

show notes . I really

41:27

appreciate your coming on the show today

41:29

.

41:31

Thank you very much for having me .

41:34

And listeners . If you haven't already

41:36

, I invite you to check out my

41:38

Take your Power Back workshop , which

41:40

you can find over at copingwithghostingcom

41:43

, this interactive video

41:46

download . It's under an hour and

41:49

it's going to help you change your story , focus

41:51

on yourself and feel better again

41:53

. So go check it out . Rebuild

41:55

your confidence today . Finally

41:58

, be sure to remember when you're ghosted

42:00

. You have more time to connect with

42:03

yourself and people who have stellar

42:05

communication skills . You

42:07

deserve the best .