0:00

Hi friends , it's Greta . I

0:02

have some great new episodes that will air

0:04

soon , including one about long-term

0:06

relationship ghosting and another

0:09

about bread crumbing , but this

0:11

week I'm on a digital detox for

0:13

a writing retreat where I plan to write

0:15

an essential survival guide for coping

0:17

with ghosting . In the meantime , I'm

0:19

replaying an episode I love Nine

0:21

Gentle Reminders as you , he , heal from

0:24

being ghosted . Take a listen . Why

0:44

did you have to leave ? Welcome to Coping with Ghosting

0:46

, the show that provides hope , healing

0:48

and understanding for anyone

0:51

who has been ghosted . I'm your

0:53

host , greta , and today my

0:55

guest is Mayra Rodriguez,

0:57

LMFT,

1:00

who specializes in providing mental

1:02

health information , tools and

1:04

resources . Myra is

1:06

here to share important reminders

1:09

as you heal from being ghosted

1:11

. I found Mayra through her serene

1:13

, pretty and inspirational Instagram

1:16

feed , which I suggest you

1:18

go check out . The handle is at

1:20

the Los Angeles Therapist and , by

1:22

the way , I just love that name at

1:25

the Los Angeles therapist .

1:30

Thank you so much for having me . It's such a pleasure to be here

1:32

with you today and to talk about such an important topic , thank you .

1:34

So you recently shared a

1:36

helpful list of nine

1:38

gentle reminders as you heal

1:40

on Instagram , and I'm

1:43

curious to hear how each reminder

1:45

applies to healing after being ghosted

1:48

. I'll just take you through them . I've labeled

1:50

them one through nine . Number one

1:52

is what happened

1:54

was not your fault .

1:57

I think , especially with ghosting , it

1:59

can be very easy for us to somehow

2:01

think that what happened was our fault

2:04

, that somehow that person

2:06

ghosting us was a reflection of our worth

2:08

, it was a reflection of us . But

2:11

really that's actually the complete

2:13

opposite . Typically , when someone

2:15

ghosts us , it has nothing to do with

2:17

us and it has everything to do with where they're

2:19

at in life , and that's something that

2:21

we cannot control . That's something

2:24

that's out of our control , and

2:26

in the beginning it can be very difficult

2:28

to accept that , and it's completely normal

2:31

for us to feel at fault , and

2:33

that is why we have to actively remind

2:35

ourselves when our mind wants to tell us

2:37

it was my fault , it was a reflection

2:39

of me , it was because I wasn't good

2:41

enough . That's when we need to remind ourselves

2:44

hey , it wasn't your fault

2:46

. The fact that this person

2:48

is at a different place in their

2:50

lives is not my fault

2:52

.

2:54

Oh my gosh , that's so validating . It's

2:56

so great to hear you say that . It's

2:58

just so soothing when you say that . And

3:00

yeah , you can never

3:02

cause somebody not to tell

3:05

you goodbye Exactly

3:07

how you said . You cannot control somebody

3:09

else's behavior .

3:11

That's right . We only have control of ourselves

3:13

, yeah .

3:15

So number two is it's

3:18

okay to have a bad day

3:20

, week or month . Healing

3:22

is not linear . Bad day , week or month .

3:24

Healing is not linear . I cannot stress this enough that

3:26

healing is not linear . Healing

3:28

has many ups and downs . It's a process

3:31

and in that process you're going to

3:33

have good days and you're going to have bad days

3:35

, and

3:41

it's okay if you have a bad day , a bad week or a bad month . It's part of the healing process . I

3:43

think sometimes we expect our healing journey to

3:45

look perfect , to look neat , but

3:48

that's not how life works and that's not

3:50

how healing works either , and so

3:52

it's completely normal that there's going to

3:54

be that fluctuation in your feelings

3:56

, that there's going to be good days and there's going to

3:58

be bad days . Please know that you're doing

4:00

nothing wrong . Please know that that's

4:02

part of the process . It's

4:05

opening ourselves up to feeling everything

4:07

and having good days and having bad days

4:09

and , like I mentioned , it's not

4:11

linear . So be gentle , be

4:13

patient and kind with yourself

4:15

. You're in the process and

4:17

it's okay to not have it together all

4:20

the time .

4:21

Yeah , I definitely relate

4:24

to this . The pain , the shock

4:26

, the anger and confusion . It all

4:28

came in waves for me and

4:30

still it comes at

4:32

random times , so I could be in a work

4:34

meeting or a yoga class and

4:36

I can feel the pain of being ghosted

4:39

because it's still within me .

4:42

Yeah , and I'm glad that you bring this up because I'm

4:44

sure that a lot of our listeners can relate to that

4:46

and that's actually very normal that

4:49

we're going to have different feelings

4:51

are going to come up for us and , like

4:53

you mentioned , you could be at work

4:55

, you could be with a friend , you could be at home

4:57

, and sometimes those feelings are going to come

5:00

up and it's okay because

5:02

that's that's actually part of the healing process

5:04

. So don't feel bad if that's happening to you

5:06

. It's at , it's part of the journey

5:08

.

5:09

I appreciate your sharing that , of

5:11

course . Okay

5:14

, so number three is you

5:16

are allowed to ask for help

5:18

.

5:19

This is so important . I think sometimes

5:21

we feel like we have to do

5:23

it all on our own . And I think sometimes we feel like we have to do it all

5:25

on our own , and when it comes to healing , it's absolutely

5:27

okay to ask for help

5:30

, it's okay to reach out for

5:32

support , and it's important to do so

5:34

with people who are safe , people who

5:36

will understand you , people who

5:38

are willing to listen to you , because

5:44

not everyone in our circle is necessarily going to be our go-to person , and that's okay . Right In that healing

5:46

process , we're also going to gain wisdom as

5:49

to who we should reach out to for support

5:51

. But I want to let you know that it's okay

5:54

. It's okay to need that support

5:56

, it's okay to need help , and

5:58

it's also okay to even ask for professional

6:00

help . That's actually a great step towards our healing

6:02

journey . It's a great step towards our healing journey . It's

6:04

a great step towards growth and development

6:07

. And so sometimes I know there can be

6:09

a sense of shame oh , no , I have to ask

6:11

for help . That must mean I'm weak

6:13

or I'm not strong enough or I can't

6:15

do it on my own , and I'm here to tell you that no

6:17

, it's absolutely normal

6:20

. We were actually meant to connect with

6:22

others , and so healing happens when

6:24

we also connect with others , and

6:26

so give yourself permission to ask

6:28

for help and reach out for support .

6:32

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp

6:35

. Being ghosted can be heartbreaking

6:37

. It can bring up intense feelings and open

6:39

past emotional wounds . And what

6:41

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6:44

issues with a therapist , because

6:46

, regardless of whether you have a clinical mental

6:48

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6:50

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6:52

a human who lives in this world and is

6:54

going through a hard time , therapy

6:56

can give you the tools to approach your life in

6:59

a very different way . After being

7:01

ghosted , therapy helped me handle challenging

7:03

emotions and cultivate self-compassion

7:06

. It was a game changer

7:08

, and that's why I'm happy to tell you about

7:10

today's sponsor , betterhelp . Betterhelp

7:13

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7:15

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7:17

advice . You can visit their site using

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7:21

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7:23

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7:27

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7:37

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7:43

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7:45

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7:49

. The direct link is also in my

7:51

show notes . I

7:54

love that . Yeah , it is really

7:57

important that you find these safe

7:59

people . So these are the people that are not

8:01

judging you , they're not belittling

8:03

you , they're not making you feel worse

8:05

when you tell them your story

8:08

and your truth . Right

8:10

, yeah , okay

8:13

. So number four is you

8:15

deserve to be loved , respected

8:17

and treated well .

8:19

I think , after we've been ghosted

8:22

, there can be a lot of feelings of low

8:24

self-esteem , of insecurity

8:26

, thoughts of not being good

8:28

enough , and that's

8:30

where we have to work through those thoughts

8:33

. We have to work through those feelings and remind

8:35

ourselves that we do deserve

8:37

to be loved , we deserve

8:39

to be respected , we deserve

8:42

to be treated well . That is our human

8:44

right . And just because this person

8:46

was not able to provide that for us does

8:49

not mean that we're not worthy

8:51

of it . It does not mean that

8:53

we can't experience that

8:55

in our next relationship or in the future

8:57

. And so ghosting

8:59

leaves a lot of negative , lingering

9:01

feelings and thoughts , and so

9:03

when those thoughts and those feelings come up

9:06

, remind yourself I am worthy , I

9:08

deserve respect , I

9:10

deserve to be loved and I

9:12

can be treated well . It might not have

9:15

worked out with this person , but it doesn't mean

9:17

that it won't work out with someone else

9:19

. It doesn't mean that I won't be able to experience

9:21

the fullness of what is a healthy relationship

9:24

.

9:25

I love that . You said that it's our human right

9:28

. That's so profound

9:30

to hear and it's so accurate

9:32

. This person , this ghost

9:34

, their action isn't a representation

9:37

of your lovability . It's a representation

9:40

of their character , right

9:43

yeah , I always end my podcast

9:45

by saying be sure to remember when

9:47

you're ghosted , you have more time

9:50

to connect with yourself and those who truly

9:52

appreciate you . You deserve

9:54

the best .

9:57

That's absolutely right . Yeah

9:59

, so number

10:02

five , you are

10:04

not a mistake .

10:06

Yes , and we go back to that right that we've already

10:08

touched on it , where being

10:11

ghosted can bring a lot of feelings

10:13

and a lot of thoughts that are uncomfortable , and a lot of thoughts and a lot of thoughts that are

10:15

uncomfortable and a lot of thoughts and feelings that

10:17

can be negative . And , like I

10:19

mentioned , sometimes we turn

10:22

that pain inward and somehow

10:24

we believe that maybe it

10:26

is our fault , maybe there was something wrong

10:28

with us . It's human of us to sometimes

10:30

do that . But , as

10:33

you heal , remind yourself that you are not

10:35

a mistake , that you are not fundamentally

10:37

flawed . That because

10:39

this didn't work out , because this person did

10:41

this to you , does not mean that you're not

10:43

lovable . It does not mean that you're a mistake

10:46

. And so sometimes we're going to have

10:48

to take that extra effort to remind

10:50

ourselves of that truth , because in the

10:53

moment it might not feel like that . If we're being

10:55

honest , in the moment it it can be easy

10:57

, like I mentioned , to turn that inward and

10:59

somehow think that it's a reflection of us

11:01

. But , as you heal , make

11:03

sure that you're you're reminding yourself

11:05

of these things . Remind yourself I'm not a mistake

11:08

, I am worthy , and

11:10

just because this person did this to me

11:12

does not mean that that was a reflection of

11:14

who I am as a person .

11:24

Agree , and we all make mistakes . When we make a mistake , it doesn't define us . Mistakes are

11:26

just a moment in time . You are not your past . Exactly

11:29

Moving on to the

11:31

next one . It's

11:33

number six . You have a

11:35

purpose .

11:37

Yes , this isn't your final destination

11:39

. This , this

11:41

thing that happened to you with this person

11:44

, the ghosting this is not your final

11:46

destination . You have a purpose

11:48

and there is so much more ahead

11:51

of you . And maybe this was

11:53

a bump in the road , and what human

11:55

being doesn't face bumps in the road ? Right

11:57

? That's part of life . We all go through our

11:59

different struggles . Life is hard

12:01

, and so are relationships , especially

12:04

romantic relationships . So

12:06

remind yourself that maybe this didn't

12:08

work out and this ending

12:10

was very painful and there wasn't any closure

12:12

, but that doesn't mean that you don't have

12:14

a purpose . This isn't where your life is . Purpose

12:17

is going to end . You have so much more

12:19

ahead of you . So keep striving

12:21

, keep growing , keep working on yourself

12:23

that better things are ahead .

12:25

Yeah , do things that give you meaning , that

12:28

feed your soul , and whether that's

12:30

painting or singing or teaching

12:32

a child how to read , it's important

12:34

that you express yourself and share

12:36

your unique gifts with the world

12:38

. That's exactly right . Moving

12:43

on to number seven , your feelings

12:45

are valid .

12:47

This is so important to validate ourselves

12:50

. Like we've mentioned before , there's going

12:52

to be a lot of feelings that come up . Maybe

12:54

one day you feel content , but

12:56

maybe there's another day where you might feel anger

12:59

or frustration or sadness

13:01

or confusion , and

13:03

I want you to know that all of that

13:06

is normal and it's valid

13:08

. It's part of the healing process

13:10

and it's okay to give yourself permission

13:12

to feel whatever comes up for

13:14

you , because in order for us to heal

13:17

, we must allow ourselves

13:19

to feel . And so , even if sometimes

13:21

those feelings can be polar

13:24

opposite almost right you

13:26

might ask yourself well , why do I feel happy

13:28

one day , but then the next I feel anger

13:30

and sadness and loneliness ? Please

13:33

know that both of those feelings can coexist

13:35

right the power of , and

13:37

I can experience calmness

13:40

, I can experience contentment

13:43

and I can also

13:45

feel sad , I can also feel

13:47

frustrated , I can also feel

13:49

angry . So just reminding yourself

13:51

that whatever comes up for you is valid and

13:53

it's okay to feel it .

13:56

That's such great advice and it's

13:59

. You know , it's so normal to be upset

14:01

after we didn't hear a good bye

14:04

from somebody that we really cared about . I

14:06

just remember one day

14:08

I was so confused , I felt

14:10

sad , but I couldn't put my finger

14:12

on why , and I just was uncontrollably

14:15

crying , crying

14:23

, and so I just got my journal and I started writing and I just put everything on the page and that

14:25

really helped me move through those feelings and understand myself a

14:27

little better . And I'm relating to what you

14:29

said about the , and I had multiple

14:32

events going on that were triggering

14:34

all types of things within my

14:36

mind , and so I had tons

14:38

of different thoughts at once , but that really helped

14:41

me release them .

14:43

Right , I'm glad that you bring that up , because that's such

14:45

a great way to process feelings is journaling

14:48

. Sometimes we might not feel comfortable

14:50

saying it out loud or sharing

14:52

it with someone , but journaling can be a great

14:54

way for us to process our feelings . So thank

14:56

you so much for sharing that .

14:58

Yeah , so number eight is

15:01

this too , shall pass .

15:04

I know that in this moment it might be difficult

15:06

to believe

15:08

this , because in the moment , maybe

15:10

you find yourself in a moment of deep

15:13

pain , of deep heartache

15:15

, of sadness and loneliness

15:17

, and maybe you're in a place where it can

15:19

be difficult to see the light at the end of the

15:21

tunnel , and it's completely

15:24

normal that you might feel that way and

15:26

again right . That's why these

15:29

are the reminders we have to tell ourselves

15:31

that this will pass . This

15:33

heartache , this heaviness

15:35

, this sadness that you feel right

15:38

now is not going to be here with

15:40

you forever . You will heal

15:42

and this will pass

15:45

. And in the meantime , it's

15:47

okay to allow yourself , like I mentioned

15:49

, the permission to

15:51

feel whatever comes up , but also

15:54

remind yourself in the process that

15:56

you're not going to stay here , you're not going to

15:58

stay stuck here forever , that this

16:01

will pass and there will be a

16:03

brighter days ahead .

16:06

Yeah , it takes time . I mean

16:08

, gosh , it took me it felt

16:10

like forever to get over one

16:12

of the initial ghostings that happened

16:14

to me , but it also

16:17

took work . So doing

16:19

a lot of self-improvement

16:21

type work to change my

16:23

mindset , to really just start viewing

16:25

this as this

16:28

is a person who didn't have the communication

16:30

skills to be in a mature relationship

16:33

with me and , honestly , that's

16:35

not what I'm looking for in my life

16:38

. I want to surround myself with people

16:40

who can communicate really well

16:42

, and so now

16:44

I'm really intentional about

16:46

who I have in my network and

16:49

I make sure that they do have that

16:51

level of maturity and communication

16:53

skills . So it takes time

16:56

, it takes work , but

16:58

it will pass .

17:00

Yes , and I love how you made that

17:02

point . It takes time and

17:04

work , because sometimes there's this

17:06

misconception , right , that time

17:09

heals , but it's not really time

17:11

that heals . It's what we do with that time

17:13

, that's what gives it meaning , that's

17:15

what makes the difference right . So I

17:18

really , really like that you brought that up , that

17:20

it's time , but also what we do in that

17:22

time . That will bring us healing and

17:24

relief . Thank you

17:26

.

17:26

Yeah , nine , and you kind

17:28

of hinted at this one . There are brighter days ahead

17:31

.

17:31

I'm so glad we ended on this one

17:34

, because that is our hope that

17:36

there are brighter days ahead . And

17:38

it's okay . Okay if right now it doesn't feel that way

17:40

. It's

17:43

okay if right now , maybe all you see is the heartache and the brokenness and

17:45

the pain , but remind yourself

17:48

in that pain that there will be

17:50

brighter days ahead . That , like

17:52

I mentioned before , just because this

17:54

situation happened to you does

17:56

not mean that you won't get to experience

17:58

a healthy love in the future

18:01

, right ? So , in

18:03

this process , remind yourself

18:05

this isn't your final destination

18:07

. This brokenness and heartache that you feel

18:09

right now will pass and

18:11

when you get to those brighter days , you'll

18:13

look back and you'll feel so proud

18:16

of yourself for having

18:18

gone through that process of working

18:20

in yourself and doing the work that it

18:22

takes to heal .

18:25

Wow , Thank you for all of those . And

18:27

I wonder is there anything

18:29

else you want to let listeners know

18:31

about ghosting in general ?

18:34

Yeah , I think the most important takeaway

18:36

is to remind yourselves that it's

18:39

not a direct reflection of you . People

18:42

ghost for many different reasons

18:44

. Sometimes it can be because they're

18:46

uncomfortable with conflict

18:49

or they fear confrontation

18:51

, they're avoidant , they're riddled

18:53

with shame in their life , they

18:55

like to play games . There

18:58

could be so many different reasons why

19:00

people ghost and it has nothing

19:03

to do with you . So if there's

19:05

something that I really want our listeners

19:07

to remind themselves in the process , is

19:10

that just because

19:12

this person ghosted you and did

19:14

not give you closure does

19:16

not mean that there was something wrong with you

19:18

. You are worthy , you

19:20

deserve love and

19:22

you deserve to experience a healthy

19:25

relationship , and

19:27

there's no need to feel shame

19:29

about it . You know , like I mentioned

19:32

, relationships are hard , and especially

19:34

romantic ones . So just remind

19:37

yourself it's not your fault , it's

19:39

not a reflection of you . It's where

19:41

they're at in life and that's something that we

19:43

cannot control , and so the

19:45

only thing we can control is taking

19:47

care of ourselves and making sure that

19:49

we're okay and that we heal

19:52

, so that we can move forward and continue

19:54

with our life and our purpose .

19:57

You are a wealth of knowledge

19:59

. I know that your messages of

20:01

healing are going to help so many

20:03

people . And again

20:05

, can you just remind the listeners how to

20:07

how to connect with ?

20:09

you . My name is Mayra

20:11

. I'm a psychotherapist and you can

20:13

find me on Instagram or TikTok

20:15

and my handle name is at

20:17

the Los Angeles therapist . I post

20:19

mental health information , tools

20:22

and resources .

20:24

Great . Thank you so much for sharing all

20:26

of this important information .

20:29

Of course you're welcome and thank

20:31

you so much for having me . It was an honor

20:33

and a pleasure .

20:38

And listeners, remember, when you are ghosted , you have more time to

20:40

connect with yourself and those who

20:42

truly appreciate you . You

20:45

deserve the best , Thank

20:47

you .