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1:01

fly in a plane, I want the

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plane that just left before my plane

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to have crashed. Killed

1:07

everybody. Welcome

1:14

back to Dear Shandy listeners.

1:17

Hello, Andy. Hello. How are you

1:19

today? Okay. Okay? Oh. Okay.

1:21

Are you actually okay? I'm exactly okay.

1:23

We're both actually tired today. Yeah. We're

1:25

recording this on a Monday morning. And

1:28

such is podcaster's life. Monday

1:30

mornings, to me, are the hardest recording. Because

1:32

you go in with all

1:35

the worries of the week on your mind.

1:37

Yeah, but now we get to have

1:39

other people's worries on our minds. Yes, yes,

1:41

we're transferring. We're recording this on a

1:43

Monday because we were supposed to record it

1:45

last week on a Sunday, but Andy was

1:47

sick. I was too sick. Too sick record. Because I

1:49

do record sick, but I don't record too sick. Yes,

1:51

and I think that this is a fun peek

1:53

behind the curtain for our Shandys who are maybe like,

1:56

that sounds easy. Yeah.

1:59

It's not. Okay, are you

2:01

ready to get going with this Q &A, Andy?

2:03

Yeah, maybe we should talk about our privates.

2:05

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes, yes. Both

2:08

of our privates. Yes,

2:12

our Shandy Privates, otherwise known as

2:14

Shandy Off the Record, which is

2:16

basically private sessions with us in

2:18

case you want the Shandy take,

2:20

you want our opinion on maybe

2:22

a set of circumstances you have

2:25

going on in your life, but

2:27

you don't want to come on

2:29

as a caller and you don't

2:31

want to submit your question as

2:33

a Q &A, then, you know, you

2:35

can email us at dearshandy at

2:37

gmail.com and someone will get back

2:40

to you. Get our undivided for

2:42

one hour. Yes, undivided. Undivided Shandy.

2:44

shand divided but it's called shandy

2:46

off the record now andy we

2:48

changed the name it's no longer

2:50

shandy privates i'm sad okay so

2:52

this first question is from k

2:55

as in the letter dear shandy

2:57

Long time, first time. I have

2:59

a dreaded mother -in -law question. My

3:01

husband, 36 male, and I, 35

3:03

female, live in a major California

3:05

city. We are creative freelancers, so

3:07

our income fluctuates quite a bit.

3:10

My in -laws are retired and

3:12

quite wealthy, and my mother -in -law

3:14

has adopted a habit of depositing

3:16

money into my husband's bank account

3:18

unsolicited and then using it to

3:20

guilt trip us. Recently,

3:23

she deposited $2 ,500. And then later,

3:25

when my husband tried to set

3:27

a very reasonable boundary about daily questions

3:29

about his work projects, said, how

3:31

dare you talk to me that way

3:33

after I gave you that money? Another

3:37

time, another deposit, we were informed that

3:39

they were upset we hadn't adequately thanked

3:41

them. This has happened multiple times with

3:43

varying amounts of money and emotional manipulation.

3:46

We never asked for this money and

3:48

would rather not have it if it

3:50

will result in these problems. We have

3:52

tried to return the money, but this

3:54

results in more turmoil and crying on

3:56

my mother -in -law's part that she's just

3:58

trying to help. How on earth do

4:01

we resolve this? I believe my in

4:03

-laws have good intentions, but we don't

4:05

want this money nor the emotional strife

4:07

that follows. I'm aware this is a

4:09

champagne problem. Oh no, we keep getting

4:11

free money, but it really is distressing.

4:14

Thanks for your help, Kay. It's

4:18

a tough one. Deceptively

4:20

tough. Because it sounds like they're doing

4:22

everything right. We don't want the

4:24

money. No, no, no. Trying to send

4:26

it back. I mean, they're both,

4:28

what are they, in their mid -30s?

4:30

Yeah. This is her giving of love

4:32

language. Her mother -in -law's or her

4:34

mother's language of love is giving money.

4:36

And control. And control. Yes. There

4:38

clearly was a time in their lives

4:40

or her life or his life

4:42

where they needed money, where she was

4:44

providing a very needed service. Yes.

4:46

And probably felt like a sense of

4:48

importance. Yeah. Worth. Worth. It's

4:50

like, I'm being a mother. Yes. This is

4:52

what I came to do. Yeah. Give money. And

4:55

now it feels like that need isn't

4:57

there anymore, I'm guessing. This is a big

4:59

guess I'm taking here, because if it

5:01

is there, it's a different question. Yeah, I

5:03

think they don't need it. She said

5:06

that their incomes fluctuate drastically. But I think

5:08

if you're in the creative field, and

5:10

it sounds like his parents, you know, she

5:12

says they're quite wealthy. I

5:14

mean, to me, I think it

5:16

reaches a point where your children

5:18

become adults. And I

5:20

agree. I think that... it's a love language,

5:22

but it's also like, I want to stay involved

5:24

in your life, and I want to know

5:26

the details of your life. It

5:28

feels transactional at a certain point.

5:30

It almost feels like she's paying

5:32

them for information that they wouldn't

5:34

otherwise tell her. Well, this is

5:37

the thing. It makes her happy

5:39

to give them money. This is

5:41

clearly making her happy. Even if

5:43

that happiness is misguided or unhealthy,

5:45

you know, or she could really

5:47

use some work and like do

5:49

some meditation on what she's doing

5:51

with this money. That's kind of

5:53

irrelevant to me. If she wants

5:55

to do this and I'm the

5:57

child or son -in -law or daughter

5:59

-in -law, I'm taking the money and

6:01

I'm letting go of the conversations.

6:03

If she guilt trips me, I

6:05

laugh. I

6:07

say, you want to give me money?

6:09

And you're going to make my

6:11

life difficult if I resist that money

6:13

or if I give you back

6:15

the money, then I'll take the money.

6:17

It's a win -win for me. You

6:19

give me a guilt trip, I

6:21

laugh it away. You know, I went

6:24

into this question with a different

6:26

take, but I really respect your answer.

6:28

I think you're right. I think

6:30

on the surface it's like, no, no,

6:32

no, set a boundary, refuse the

6:34

money. But they have already tried that.

6:36

And I think it's a lot

6:38

to expect a parent at a certain

6:40

stage in life to just change

6:42

the way they are. It's like this.

6:44

mother -in -law for her to change

6:46

her relationship with money and what she

6:48

expects out of, you know, giving

6:50

her son money and all that stuff.

6:52

It's like, that is like a

6:54

life long pursuit of like, it's like

6:56

asking that she. go to therapy

6:58

and like you said, meditate, like almost

7:00

change something fundamental about who she

7:02

is. This question speaks to me. I

7:04

relate to it in certain aspects

7:06

of my life. And it's laughable to

7:08

consider a world in which this

7:10

person would change. The person in my

7:12

life that would change. You're

7:15

basically taking something that is

7:17

good for you. I don't

7:19

care what people say. It's

7:21

one thing if you take

7:23

money from the mob. That's

7:25

different. Then there might be

7:27

some problems. But if you're

7:30

taking money from someone who

7:32

in their own disturbed way

7:34

loves you a lot, there's

7:36

no downside because you're getting

7:38

money. And the person who's giving

7:40

it to you is going to give it to

7:42

you no matter what. Yeah, but what do you

7:44

say about the emotional manipulation where they feel entitled?

7:47

Don't let it happen. Okay, but what about when

7:49

the mother -in -law is like, okay, well, I want

7:51

to know the intimate details of your last week

7:53

because I gave you $2 ,500. Like, I'm owed

7:55

that information. You don't tell her. You

7:57

just simply don't tell her. you say, I didn't ask

7:59

for that money. I appreciate the gift, but you know. Yeah,

8:01

I'm just going to pass on that one. Thanks for

8:03

the money, though. Thanks

8:08

for the money, though. I

8:11

can see the Shandy's having differing takes

8:13

on this, but I ultimately agree with

8:15

you. And I think you kind of

8:17

brought me over to your side because

8:19

I want to say, oh, lay a

8:21

boundary, right? Lay a boundary. This

8:23

is you separating as an adult, right?

8:25

And not receiving money from your parents

8:27

and no longer being manipulated by them.

8:29

But I do feel like... The

8:32

way through this is to have

8:34

understanding and compassion for why she's doing

8:36

it. And the reason she's doing

8:38

it is from a place of love.

8:41

Yes. And attachment. Even if it's

8:43

too much attachment, it is from a

8:45

place of love. They know what

8:47

she's doing is wrong. Yeah. She's just

8:49

teaching them what not to do.

8:51

Yeah. Right? Yeah. And if you

8:53

are manipulated in life, there's two ways you

8:55

can be manipulated. One is you don't know you're

8:57

being manipulated and you get manipulated. Which is

8:59

the worst. The worst kind. Yeah. Then there's a

9:01

second kind, which is the shame on you

9:03

kind, which is you know you're being manipulated and

9:05

you allow it to happen anyway. Yeah. This

9:07

is the second kind. No, I think this is

9:10

a third kind where you know you're being

9:12

manipulated and you like, like you said, you laugh

9:14

about it. It's like. Well, that's what I

9:16

want them to do. Yeah. But what they're doing

9:18

now is they're genuinely being manipulated. Because

9:20

it's affecting their life. They're writing into

9:22

Dear Shandy. Totally. The manipulation is working.

9:24

It's infecting their minds. She said it's

9:27

very distressing. Manipulation doesn't always get you

9:29

exactly where the manipulator wants you to

9:31

go. It just infects you. It's a

9:33

virus. It's how you internalize it. It

9:35

causes strife in your body and mind.

9:37

So this is causing them strife. Don't

9:39

let it cause you strife. Laugh at

9:42

it. Take yourself out of the situation.

9:44

Look at your mother -in -law. She won't

9:46

stop giving you money. It's

9:48

hilarious. And it's amazing. You're

9:50

getting money. You win. Don't

9:52

be manipulated. Laugh it off. Say, listen, we

9:54

really appreciate it. Always be thankful. Yeah, I

9:56

think it's easy to be like, oh, thank

9:59

you so much. It's going to make her

10:01

feel good. And then when she says, I

10:03

gave you that money, you can be like,

10:05

okay, well, we didn't ask for it. Like

10:07

you said, have a sense of humor about

10:09

it. if you really don't need the money,

10:11

then you shouldn't fear the repercussion of doing

10:13

this. Because the only fear... would

10:15

be that you stop getting money she's like

10:17

oh well you want to play that game

10:19

i'm not gonna give you money anymore yeah

10:21

and then you're like well isn't that the

10:23

victory you wanted or do you really need

10:25

the money and that's why i said i'm

10:27

guessing yeah they don't need the money if

10:30

they totally need the money this color changes

10:32

completely yeah but i i don't think they

10:34

do i think that the actual language being

10:36

spoken here is guilt yeah and let's be

10:38

honest I feel like

10:40

the relationship between adult children and parents

10:42

and parents -in -law is often guilt.

10:44

Guilt is like an underlying language with

10:46

so many parents. Call it out.

10:49

That's the thing. I agree with you.

10:51

Guilt is always used. Call it

10:53

out. When your mother's doing it,

10:55

say, you're guilt tripping me. I

10:59

see you. I'm sure that'll go

11:01

over well. I think this is

11:04

a laugh it off sense of humor. Say

11:06

the thank you. If she asks, you

11:08

know, for some details, it's just like give,

11:10

understand that it's coming from a place

11:12

of love. Give her the bare minimum while

11:14

like for yourself laying that boundary, just

11:16

because you're never with her, this personality type.

11:18

I don't think you're going to reach this

11:20

place of enlightenment where she's like, oh, I

11:22

understand now. I use money to manipulate

11:24

my children. She's not going to change, but

11:26

you can change. And this dynamic is a

11:28

contract and a contract needs two people

11:30

to sign. Yeah. At least. And

11:33

if one person signs a contract and

11:35

the other doesn't, it's not executed.

11:37

So all she has to do is

11:39

not sign this contract. This is

11:41

a contract to be manipulated. Who's she?

11:43

Oh, she is K as in

11:45

the letter. Yes. K is dancing with

11:47

her mother. Yes. This is a

11:49

dance. And if she steps away, there's

11:51

no dance. Yeah. All she has

11:53

to do is step away from that

11:55

emotional contract that she's engaged with.

11:57

She's choosing to be engaged in this

11:59

dance. She has to step aside, stand

12:02

against the wall, let her alone on

12:04

the dance floor. That's all that has

12:06

to happen. And what's going to happen

12:08

there is eventually the mother will have

12:10

to disengage because there's no one to

12:12

dance with her. There's nothing left. She'll

12:14

keep giving money, but it makes her

12:16

feel good. And she'll stop with the

12:18

guilt trip where she knows there's nothing

12:20

there. That well is empty. There's no

12:23

one there for her. Oh, that

12:25

makes me a little... See, now I have

12:27

sympathy for the mother -in -law. I know it's super

12:29

manipulative. But she needs to be taught. Yeah,

12:31

she does need to be taught. It

12:33

doesn't matter how old you are or

12:35

how revered you must be as a

12:37

parent or a grandparent. Everyone needs to

12:39

learn lessons at any stage in life.

12:41

And you know what this is showing?

12:44

We often talk about how you reach a

12:46

point in life where suddenly you're parenting

12:48

your parents. They're reaching that point.

12:50

They're in their mid -30s. They're fully adults.

12:52

They're making their own money. They don't need

12:54

this money anymore. And they're observing how it's

12:56

like, oh, we need to... parent her she's

12:58

having a tantrum oh she's doing that thing

13:00

again oh she's trying to manipulate us and

13:02

it's like almost like you have to like

13:04

put on your parent hat and be like

13:06

okay all right now now let's take a

13:08

deep breath like you know what i mean

13:10

like the roles have reversed in a way

13:13

and i think it'll probably make their lives

13:15

easier to just look at it through that

13:17

lens and give them a lot more patience

13:19

yes and if you really want to be Really

13:22

take the high road. You want to

13:24

be Jesus. You can initiate conversation about the

13:26

things you know she wants to know.

13:28

You don't have to wait for her. If

13:30

you want to really be nice, I've

13:32

done this. Like where you're like, I know

13:34

what's going to happen here. I got

13:36

money. I'm counting down. The seconds are ticking

13:38

away. I got money. Yeah. The money

13:40

came in. I'm just counting down until she

13:42

says, so what's going on with work?

13:44

What's going on with that thing? And

13:47

instead of me waiting for that and getting triggered by

13:49

it, which is going to happen, and then there's going

13:51

to be a fight, and then the whole cycle is

13:53

going to start again, why don't I just beat her

13:55

to the punch? Or tell her something you're comfortable telling

13:57

her. anything, just tell her generally

13:59

what she wants to hear. And if she presses

14:01

further, you'll say, you'll say, so this is it.

14:03

You say, you sit down, it's like, oh, it's

14:05

nice to see you. How's everything? Oh, I like

14:07

your shirt. Oh, by the way, I got this,

14:09

this big thing happening at work. You know, we

14:11

got this contract and I don't know what he

14:14

does, but it's a good, it's a good thing

14:16

that happened at work. And I'm very happy. And

14:18

then, you know, Joe, my coworker did this thing

14:20

and did some details she wants. She'll eat it

14:22

up. And then that's it. If she presses further,

14:24

you'd be like, oh, let's talk about something else.

14:27

And then you've done your job. You've

14:29

done the Jesus move. That's it. So

14:31

you can preempt the whole manipulative interaction

14:33

that you're going to have that triggers

14:35

you. Okay. That's what I might choose

14:37

to do. Yeah. Oh, and I can

14:39

speak from experience as your wife. I

14:41

have observed you do this sort of

14:43

thing. Yeah. Yeah. I think we can

14:45

both kind of relate to this at

14:47

different stages in our lives. That's the

14:49

very evolved thing to do. That's the

14:51

forgiving thing to do, but you don't

14:53

have to. Yeah. And like I said,

14:55

I think that there are some shanties

14:57

that will be like, no, refuse the

14:59

money, refuse the manipulation, all the things.

15:01

But I think that ultimately, even though

15:03

it is coming from a place of

15:05

control, I do think it is also

15:08

coming from an attempt to love. It

15:10

is. But by disengaging from the game

15:12

that she's playing, you help everybody. Yeah.

15:14

That you have to disengage. Don't

15:16

say, I don't want the money. Yeah. Because

15:18

all you're going to do is create another cycle

15:20

with her and you're going to be involved

15:22

in it. Yeah. Take the money. Take the money.

15:24

Plus her realizing her worth in their lives

15:26

is not going to come from them refusing the

15:28

money. It's going to come, it's sort of

15:30

like how you can't, like you can't have, you

15:32

can't tell someone that they need to change

15:34

their lifestyle or whatever. It's like they have to

15:36

like come to that conclusion on their own.

15:38

You know, you can't do it for them. I

15:40

feel like trying to train her that her

15:42

worth is not in giving them money. I don't

15:44

know if that's going to work. And I

15:46

agree. And also, just to close, look

15:49

inward at yourself. Why does it bother

15:51

you so much that she's giving you

15:53

money? Where is the root of that

15:55

issue? Where does it come from? It's

15:57

triggering you. Is it because you feel

15:59

like a child? You feel like she's

16:01

not treating you like an adult? Maybe.

16:05

Yeah. Or you feel like you're

16:07

being controlled. Being controlled as a

16:09

child. Yeah. Not being respected as

16:11

an adult. Yeah. As a sovereign

16:13

individual. A sovereign individual, Andy. Okay,

16:15

I think we've answered this one.

16:17

Kay, I hope this was helpful.

16:20

I feel like we went a

16:22

little deep on that one. It's

16:24

deep. Money issues can go deep.

16:26

They're never just about money. Oh,

16:28

they really are not. Okay, good

16:30

luck. What are you looking at

16:32

over there, Andy? Are you reading

16:34

the ingredients in Mudwater? I am

16:36

marveling at them. Masala chai, cacao.

16:38

Lion's mane, cordyceps, chaga, reishi, cinnamon,

16:41

turmeric, Himalayan salt. Doesn't that sound

16:43

delicious? Salt, it's there. We love mud

16:45

water. Mud water has become our afternoon snack.

16:47

So what I do is I take a spoonful

16:49

of the mud water, which as you can

16:51

see is a delicious looking powder. And then I

16:53

stir that into hot water with a little

16:55

bit of soy milk. I give it a frothing.

16:57

I put in some honey and it is

16:59

just delicious. It gives us a little energy boost

17:02

in the afternoon, but it doesn't make us

17:04

like jittery and then crash. I can't have coffee

17:06

past a certain point of the day because

17:08

it'll totally ruin my night. And you know what

17:10

makes it really easy? Is it tastes good?

17:12

I look forward to it just for the taste.

17:14

No, it's totally true. I'm one of those

17:16

people that I like to go to a coffee

17:19

shop and get like a fancy chai, like

17:21

a turmeric chai or something. This has turmeric in

17:23

it. This has chai in it. It has

17:25

all these other great ingredients. I get to make

17:27

that fancy drink at home, but it's not

17:29

guilt -inducing because one serving, one tablespoon of this

17:31

is only 20 calories. Let me tell you something.

17:33

I am against the abandonment of vowels in

17:35

the brain. And we have

17:38

been approached by several wooders and I only

17:40

accepted one. It took a lot for me

17:42

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17:46

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19:52

question is from he didn't leave a

19:54

name he but so i'll just

19:56

say i'm uh a gandy gandy dear

19:58

shandy By the way, Gandy is

20:00

a male Shandy who's under 36. You'll

20:04

have to watch our other episodes to

20:06

understand. Dear Shandy, I've been a big fan

20:08

of the podcast for the past few

20:10

years. The light, humor, and directness has really

20:12

helped me navigate the wonders and horrors

20:15

of the dating world. I'm hoping this question

20:17

can be another one for the books.

20:19

Thank you, Gandy. I'm

20:22

28, male, living in the DMV area

20:24

and have been single for the past year

20:26

or so after a three -year relationship. What's

20:28

the DMV? I don't know. Department of

20:30

Motor Vehicles? That's the only thing I know

20:32

that to be. Oh, I was hoping

20:34

you would know. The Denver Metro. No. DMV.

20:37

The V part I don't understand.

20:39

Should I Google it? I was hoping

20:41

you would know. I pretended to

20:43

know. The DM vicinity? Is it the

20:45

DM vicinity? DMV.

20:48

Denver Metro vicinity? Oh,

20:50

dear. What is

20:52

that? Were you supposed to

20:54

know that? It says New York State Department of

20:56

Motor Vehicles. Yeah, that's the one I know.

20:59

Does he live in the DMV? He lives in

21:01

the Department of Motor Vehicles? I'll

21:05

put DMV area. I'll do DMV

21:08

area. Because I will say Google

21:10

is agreeing with us. Yeah, I'm

21:12

agreeing with me. Oh, it's

21:14

the Washington Metropolitan Area. Isn't

21:17

that the WMV?

21:19

DMV may refer to...

21:22

DMV, short for District of Columbia,

21:25

Maryland, and Virginia. Oh, okay. The

21:27

local name for the Washington metropolitan

21:29

area. Okay. I'm not

21:31

sure that's universal knowledge. I

21:37

imagine it is if you live in the

21:39

Well, let's call our shandies, who I assume

21:41

come from all over. How many of you

21:43

knew what DMV was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

21:45

mean... Aside from the Department of Motor Vehicles.

21:47

I feel very validated by this because I

21:49

was pretending know. I was feeling dumb and

21:51

now I feel less dumb. I've gone on

21:53

dates, but they've either led to a situationship,

21:55

something casual or just a straight up vibe

21:57

mismatch. Late in 2024, I met a girl.

21:59

Let's call her H on a first date

22:01

and we hit it off immediately. H

22:04

is smart, kind, has a great

22:06

sense of style and is big on

22:08

communication. All things I really value

22:10

in early dating. I

22:13

don't know why I find that funny,

22:15

but the fact that her sense of

22:17

style is something he values. I mean,

22:20

good for him. No, I mean, I

22:22

know what he means. It's like a...

22:24

Well, style reflects other things going on.

22:26

Yes. Yes. Usually. And it's like a

22:28

confidence. It depends how forced it is.

22:30

It's true. We went on about four

22:32

to five dates filled with banter, levity,

22:34

and a bit of vulnerability. I developed

22:36

feelings fast. During our last date, she

22:38

told me that while our emotional connection

22:40

was really strong and she could see

22:42

us being super compatible, she just didn't

22:44

really feel a strong spark and thought

22:46

we shouldn't keep seeing each other. At

22:48

first, I was bummed because I really

22:50

felt like things were going well, but

22:52

I wished her well and we've had

22:54

no contact since. That said, I still

22:56

think about her from time to time

22:58

and have toyed with the idea of

23:01

reaching out. One thing I know about

23:03

myself is my sexual openness, but sometimes

23:05

I hold back on flirtation out of

23:07

fear that it might come off in

23:09

a way I don't intend. I wonder

23:11

if that hesitation played into the lack

23:13

of spark H mentioned. It also feels

23:15

like she had certain intangibles I haven't

23:17

found in others. A

23:31

gandy. Can you go? I missed like

23:33

a critical. pin in there like what what

23:35

happened like so he said so he

23:37

said he's been single for the past year

23:39

or so after a three -year relationship he's

23:41

gone on dates nothing's really been serious

23:43

late in 2024 he met a girl and

23:45

they hit it off immediately he developed

23:48

feelings fast they went on four to five

23:50

dates filled with banter levity and a

23:52

bit of vulnerability and then during their last

23:54

date so the fourth or fifth date

23:56

she said that their emotional connection was really

23:58

strong but and she could see them

24:00

being compatible but she didn't feel a spark

24:02

So he's wondering if like he didn't

24:04

like up his flirting game enough. And there's

24:06

a reason I chose this question other

24:08

than the fact that it is a Gandhi.

24:11

I will admit that Gandys and Mandys,

24:13

their questions, you know, sort of

24:15

float to the top because they're just

24:17

a little less common. But I

24:19

do think it's interesting when it is

24:21

a guy asking this question, because

24:24

I do think that dynamic of like

24:26

assertion of. You know

24:28

what I mean? Like a - Confidence.

24:30

Confidence. Sexual confidence too. And I

24:32

hate to say it like that, but

24:34

regardless, that's what you're conveying. Yes.

24:36

That's what you want to convey. Yeah.

24:38

And I think it's subtle and

24:40

I really respect that he's careful about

24:42

it because he doesn't want it

24:44

to come off in the wrong way.

24:46

But I also think that having

24:48

been someone who dated in the past,

24:50

if a guy didn't make me

24:52

feel like desired, then it could be

24:54

a way in which I could

24:57

lose. 100%. Yeah. We've

24:59

all done it. I've done it. I

25:01

know what it feels like. To do what?

25:03

I know when that time passes. There's

25:05

like a certain clock ticking on being overtly,

25:07

sexual is not the word, overtly flirtatious.

25:09

Yes. Obvious. Like you're making it clear. You're

25:11

like, look, I am being flirty. Yes.

25:14

This is not friend. Yeah. This is not

25:16

conversation. am interested in seeing you naked.

25:18

Yes. And I am making it known. Yeah.

25:20

My penis is going to come out

25:22

at some point and it's going to be

25:24

touching you. And

25:26

now that is clear. Well, if you

25:28

will have it. Yeah, if you will

25:30

have it, it will be there. My

25:32

penis is interested. So what I will

25:35

say is this. You have to be

25:37

aware of that ticking clock. And there

25:39

comes a point of no return. And

25:41

that no return is the friend zone.

25:43

Yes. If he says

25:45

he's gone on four or five dates with this girl,

25:47

I'm guessing there wasn't, if he wasn't flirting, there

25:49

probably wasn't any hooking up of any significance because I

25:51

know how that's possible. I feel like he would

25:53

have mentioned if they hooked up. It has to be

25:55

because you can't, you can't not flirt and hook

25:57

up. Like, I don't know how that happens. Yes. One

26:00

has to come before the other, right? Well, I

26:02

think, oh my God, bearing that in mind, I think

26:04

our answer is totally different if they have hooked

26:06

up. If you've hooked up, I don't think you should

26:08

revisit this. hooked up. Oh, I don't think so

26:10

either, but I don't want to assume. And so I

26:12

just want to put a caveat to the answer

26:14

I think we're about to give. You can correct me

26:16

if I'm wrong, but I think, Gandhi, if you

26:18

have hooked up with this girl and she did still

26:21

end it on date four or five. And

26:23

by hookup, I mean you like fooled around.

26:25

I don't necessarily mean you it. going to have

26:27

to assume he didn't. Yeah, I want to

26:29

say that because if she said she didn't feel

26:31

spark and they did get physical, it's over. Yeah,

26:34

it's 100 % over. It's

26:36

likely over both ways, unfortunately. Oh, okay.

26:38

In my opinion. But it's irrelevant. There's

26:40

a million fish in the sea. This

26:42

is just a learning experience. Yeah. I'm

26:45

going to assume they didn't hook up because based

26:47

on that email, if they did hook up, it's

26:49

weird. How do you hook up without ever flirting

26:51

at all? I don't even understand how that's possible.

26:53

I just wanted to cover all my bases because

26:55

it really changes my answer. It does, but let's

26:57

assume he didn't. And if he

27:00

didn't, four or five dates

27:02

in without a heavy flirt. is

27:04

ridiculous. You cannot do that.

27:06

I don't care what cult, maybe

27:08

some cultures find, but in

27:10

a normal American, whatever, average culture.

27:12

DMV area? In the DMV,

27:14

exactly. When you up in the

27:16

DMV, you flirt by the

27:18

second date. By the second date,

27:21

there's flirting, please. I don't

27:23

care if you're in the DMV,

27:25

the HMV, the DMZ. I

27:27

know all of those. I know. HMV.

27:30

I forgot about HMV. I used

27:32

to go to HMV literally at least

27:34

once a week for 10 years.

27:36

At least once a week. I remember

27:38

loving HMV. Like I would go

27:40

to the mall and look forward to

27:42

going to HMV and like looking

27:44

at the CD covers. I know. Me

27:46

too. Oh. People thought it would

27:48

be there forever. I know.

27:51

Gone. Gone overnight. Overnight. And

27:53

Tower Records. Talk about a downfall. Oh, I know.

27:55

Nothing has destroyed. CDs, can we talk about

27:57

it? I remember when CDs came around, I was

28:00

like, wow, this is cool. This is going

28:02

to be, this is the future. is it. Nothing

28:04

has destroyed a business faster. than digital did

28:06

to CDs and anything. I'm telling you, the car

28:08

with the horse -drawn. There were still a lot

28:10

of people who didn't adopt the car. There

28:12

was horse -drawn buggies for a time. There's still

28:14

horse -drawn carriages in Central Park. Still horse -drawn carriages.

28:16

I feel like there are more people taking

28:18

horse -drawn carriages in Central Park than there are

28:20

people playing CDs in this city. No one. If

28:22

you are still playing a CD, something

28:25

is deeply wrong. Something's

28:27

gone wrong. We stayed in a hotel recently that

28:29

had a Blu -ray player. Oh my God. I

28:31

was like, what is that? How do you even

28:33

do that? Yeah. And there was no, there was

28:35

nothing to play. What, where are Blu -rays? Where do

28:38

they exist? Where do you go to get a

28:40

Blu -ray? Oh, okay.

28:42

Okay. So wait. Anyway, the point

28:44

is, is, is whether you're

28:46

in any V or Z or

28:48

D, you are flirting on

28:50

the second date, please. And

28:53

I do think. As a woman

28:55

in a straight dynamic, you do want

28:57

to feel pursued. Yeah. You want to

28:59

feel like, I don't know, you want

29:01

to feel like his penis would want

29:03

to do the thing. enter your sphere.

29:05

Yeah, exactly. You want to feel like

29:07

he wants that. It also can make

29:09

someone feel undesired. Yeah. Inadvertently. You might

29:11

think you're being respectful and like gentlemanly.

29:13

Yeah. And like, oh, I'll give her

29:15

space. I'll give her time. I'll wait

29:17

for her to make a move. If

29:19

you do that, you don't realize you

29:22

may be actually making them feel insecure.

29:24

Or like you're passive. which

29:26

is another kind of passive lacking confidence

29:28

yeah making them feel insecure if

29:30

you do not heavily flirt by the

29:32

second date you are entering the

29:34

friend zone very fast it's not the

29:36

no no zone just no friend

29:38

nothing the goodbye zone the fact is

29:40

all of this stuff is a

29:42

charade In the animal world, which is

29:44

what we are, people like to

29:46

think we're not animals. We are most

29:48

definitely animals. And actually more animal

29:50

than a lot of other animals. I

29:52

know animals that are less animal

29:54

than we are. Our dog is less

29:56

animal than we are. Far

29:58

less, far more civilized. All the animals

30:00

have been bred out of her. But as

30:03

an animal, we want to literally see

30:05

someone that... We just look at them

30:07

and be like, that, I want my baby

30:09

in there. And you go right, you

30:11

jump on it, you rip the pants off,

30:13

in and out, done. Maybe you hang

30:15

out. Maybe you don't. I'm not sure. Oh,

30:17

as an animal. Depends what kind of

30:20

animal you are. Okay. Maybe a shark definitely

30:22

leaves right away. Really? A shark just

30:24

leaves? You think a shark, two sharks raise

30:26

kids together? Yeah, but also think about

30:28

how, you know, in the case of birds

30:30

where one of the birds like does

30:32

a dance and like these crazy feathers come

30:35

out and it's like a rainbow. It's

30:37

a spectacle. I know, but what I'm saying

30:39

is that like the female bird who's

30:41

usually like brown. Yeah, yeah. Females don't have

30:43

big colors. know, that bird is like,

30:45

oh, I'm being wooed right now. Yes. It

30:47

is known to me that that bird

30:50

wants to mate with me. Yes. Which brings

30:52

me to my point, a belabored point,

30:54

is that don't forget we're animals. Don't forget

30:56

that this is a charade. This whole

30:58

thing, swiping, getting there, dressing in a nice

31:00

dress, talking about stuff, being formal, having

31:02

a dinner, the whole thing is BS. All

31:05

you are both trying to do is

31:07

figure out if that sperm wants to go

31:09

in this egg and this egg wants

31:11

to connect with this sperm, that's it. Yeah,

31:13

whether or not you want children, does

31:15

the act want to happen? That is all

31:17

it is. Don't forget that. I'm not

31:20

saying only think of that. Then you're a

31:22

complete animal. Yeah, yeah. You don't want

31:24

to be a complete animal. But in the

31:26

back of your mind, you always have

31:28

to... this is not what it appears this

31:30

is two people who are trying to

31:33

figure out if they're gonna have sex together

31:35

and honestly as a woman like you

31:37

want the guy to want it yes yes

31:39

there's nothing not so much that it

31:41

makes you uncomfortable but you want him like

31:43

if if you if you requite it

31:45

like one of the things that makes me

31:48

feel like in the situation is the

31:50

is knowing that he really wants me yes

31:52

People like to be wanted. to convince

31:54

someone of that. Sometimes people who are

31:56

wanted a lot don't appreciate it as much. So

31:58

if you come on too heavy, they'll be turned

32:00

off. Well, you. You have to feel that out.

32:02

That's the thing. It has to be felt out

32:04

because I have been wanted by people that I

32:06

wasn't interested in, in which case it was uncomfortable.

32:08

So I do respect. You don't come out guns

32:10

blazing. You don't come out guns blazing. But at

32:12

some point, the guns have to come out. Okay.

32:15

And by gun, I mean penis. I

32:19

find this email interesting. It really

32:21

shines a light on, I think, a

32:23

delicate balance that men have to tread

32:25

in today's dating climate. He says he's

32:27

very confident in his sexual openness, but

32:29

at the same time, he doesn't

32:31

want to make her uncomfortable. And so

32:34

he puts a damper on something. And

32:36

I think that it's sort of a,

32:38

I feel like that's speaking to the

32:40

times. And of course, you know, you

32:42

want people to feel comfortable, but

32:44

I also think that it's sort of. messes

32:47

with the natural progression of things,

32:49

a natural pursuit of the, you know,

32:51

the straight dynamic pursuit. Yes. And

32:53

I do think flirting is a dying

32:55

art because of this stupid goddamn

32:58

online dating, which I'm, you know what?

33:00

I know I've said a lot

33:02

about it. It's making me more angry

33:04

by the day. I hate it

33:06

so much. You know, flirting is an

33:08

art. And it takes practice. It

33:11

takes in -person. And it takes failure.

33:13

It takes failure. It takes rejection. Yes.

33:15

It takes honing your skills. It

33:17

takes a lot of eye contact, a

33:19

lot of like timed eye contact,

33:21

a lot of physical touch, timed physical

33:23

touch. It's the sort of

33:26

thing that you develop by interacting with people

33:28

and strangers or near strangers regularly. Yes.

33:30

And it's also something that was better developed

33:32

when you met someone in real life.

33:34

So that in that first interaction, they're like,

33:36

oh, this feels a little different. I

33:38

think I know what this is. Let's go

33:40

on a date and see what happens.

33:43

Not let's go on a date and see

33:45

if maybe this guy will flirt with

33:47

me. Because maybe we're just, he doesn't find

33:49

me attractive or we don't have a

33:51

thing or there's no spark. Every

33:54

date is a blind date now. Every single

33:56

date is a blind date. Even if it's

33:58

the fourth or fifth date sometimes it feels

34:01

like. Yes. In the before online dating. In

34:03

the before times. In the before times, a

34:05

blind date was rare. Like, oh my God,

34:07

you got set up on a blind date.

34:09

Oh, that's so crazy. It

34:11

was a novelty. Now every date's a blind

34:13

date. You go in, you're like, oh, nope,

34:15

I don't like you. It's over. And

34:17

the other person doesn't know that. So

34:20

if you don't overtly flirt, you're doing

34:22

them a disservice to some degree. everyone

34:24

always has other options too. So it's

34:26

like the second that you don't feel

34:28

the it factor or that like that

34:30

spark, which takes two to tango, then

34:32

you're like, okay, well, I have that,

34:34

you know, my app inbox has like

34:36

10 other matches for me. So I'm

34:38

just going to go there. I'm not

34:41

going to try to see this Don't

34:43

waste my time. No one has patience

34:45

anymore. No patience. Okay. So our advice

34:47

is a really long winded way to

34:49

say, I think we both think that

34:51

he should do a very delicate, just

34:53

like, hey, I'm still thinking of you.

34:55

Would love to take you out for

34:57

a coffee. Like if, you know, if

34:59

you happen to still be thinking of

35:01

me. Very low probability. Very, yeah. Low

35:04

probability. Understand that it's unlikely. And also.

35:07

Don't be too aggressive because you have to respect

35:09

the fact that she might just not be

35:11

interested. Trying to. It might have nothing to do

35:13

with his flirtation. She might just not be,

35:15

you know, like. A hundred percent.

35:17

A hundred percent. And that's her prerogative.

35:19

But one way to know, to know, to

35:21

have that knowledge is to do the

35:23

flirting. Yes. And then see what comes back.

35:25

If you do the flirting and you

35:27

do it well and not like. very clumsily,

35:29

you're going to get a lot of

35:31

information. If you reach out and put a

35:34

hand on a hand and gaze into

35:36

an eye and that hand is pulled back

35:38

quickly and the eye is averted, you

35:40

know where you stand right there. Yeah, yeah,

35:42

yeah. Okay. All right, Gandhi. Take

35:44

this conversation for what it's worth. We

35:46

do think that there's a chance, but a

35:48

low probability. So I would go into

35:50

this more as like, I actually think it's

35:52

more practice for him. Yeah, and I

35:54

also think you should not obsess about this

35:56

person. Yes. Just take it as a

35:58

lesson and don't do it the next time.

36:01

Well, yeah, and again, it might have nothing

36:03

to do with his flirting. But I think

36:05

that this is like intel gathering stage for

36:07

him. Why are you giving me that look?

36:09

Because if they've gone five dates without hooking

36:11

up, you don't think that it has something

36:13

to do with his flirting? Maybe

36:15

she just loves his personality and wasn't

36:17

attracted to him. That's totally possible. How many

36:19

men have done that to women? It's

36:21

like, oh, I love her. I love her

36:24

company. I'm just like, something's

36:26

off. I don't go on five dates with a woman

36:28

because I want to be her friend. Sorry.

36:32

OK, well, I go on a date with a woman

36:34

and then the next day or after the second

36:36

date, I say, hey, I don't know if this is

36:38

going to work, but I really like you. Like

36:40

you want to come out, you know, let's let's hang

36:42

out one of these days. OK, I don't know.

36:44

I've never done that. I'm just lying. But

36:47

theoretically, I could do that. You

36:49

just liked how that sounded coming out

36:51

of your mouth. I feel good about

36:53

myself saying that. Okay. I still think

36:55

this is, like I said, data or

36:57

intel gathering. And even if she's just

37:00

like, no, thanks, I'm not interested, then

37:02

I think that's still intel. Sure. You

37:04

know, he can know that, I don't

37:06

know, it wasn't welcome for him to

37:08

reach back out and he could take

37:10

her word for it, you know? Okay.

37:12

All right, Gandy. Good luck. All right.

37:14

This next question is from Torn Millennial

37:17

Mom. And a proud follower since all

37:19

the pretty pandas. Oh, thank you. She

37:21

was very young when she started following

37:23

you. How do you know?

37:25

Because she's a millennial now. Or

37:27

is she a mom of a millennial? It's

37:31

true. It's unclear. Dear

37:33

Shandy, I'm hoping you can provide

37:35

some reassurance. I am a 34 -year -old

37:37

pregnant mom to my second baby

37:39

in the California Bay Area. I'm having

37:41

a girl and we are so

37:43

excited. We are Mexican -American and have

37:45

a beautiful Spanish first name already picked

37:48

out. And for the middle name,

37:50

I was so proud to be using

37:52

my grandmother's name, Flora. My paternal

37:54

grandmother, Flora, is 84 years old and

37:56

the only grandparent I've had a

37:58

close relationship with. I love her so

38:00

much and people have even said

38:02

I look like her. She is a

38:04

strong, resilient woman who doesn't give

38:06

a f***. and is still going strong

38:08

at her age. Her name Flora

38:10

goes beautifully with the first name we

38:12

picked out. I just love her

38:14

name so much because it's so classic

38:16

and floral. Flora has 10 children,

38:18

close to 40 grandchildren, dozens of great

38:20

-grandchildren, and even a handful of great

38:22

-great -grandchildren, and yet nobody has used

38:24

that name in her direct lineage. Here's

38:27

the dilemma. One of my grandmother's

38:29

nephews used the name Flora for his

38:31

daughter. She is more of a

38:33

distant relative who I have never met

38:35

and I only vaguely remember her

38:37

dad from many years ago. Young Flora

38:39

had just celebrated her 15th birthday

38:41

this past December when just a few

38:43

days later on Christmas Day, she

38:46

was tragically killed in a head -on

38:48

collision by a drunk driver in Mexico

38:50

along with three other relatives. Oh

38:52

my God. I am so torn

38:54

because I feel like it's bad juju to

38:56

still use the name Flora. I am

38:58

not due until May, so I have time

39:00

to think about it. My mom said,

39:02

no, don't do it if it doesn't feel

39:04

right. And my husband says still use

39:06

it because I'm not naming my daughter after

39:08

15 year old Flora and my grandmother

39:11

Flora is still alive. Thank you, torn millennial

39:13

mom. I'm

39:15

curious for your take on this. Oh,

39:17

Andy. Oh, Andy's affected by

39:19

this one. Yeah, it's really sad. It's

39:22

really sad. And I, the reason I

39:24

chose this one, I mean, obviously I

39:26

want, we want to help her, but

39:28

like, I think that it's super, it's

39:30

complicated. And I think you're going to

39:32

get two very different opinions on this

39:34

depending on, how do I word this?

39:38

How superstitious you are? Yeah. Can

39:40

I use that word? I,

39:42

because Andy is superstitious. You

39:45

don't think so? Less so than I used to

39:47

be, but I am a little superstitious. And in a

39:49

weird way, not in like a, it's just like

39:51

a neurotic way. You got it from your grandmother. I

39:53

did. I mean, ironically. My grandmother used to do

39:55

all sorts of weird things. You didn't want hats on

39:57

the bed. Hats? If I left a hat on

39:59

the bed, she would flip out. A hat. A hat

40:01

on the bed is like, that's it, someone's going

40:03

to die. Really? Craziness. What was

40:05

the thought process there? have no idea. I found

40:07

it so insane back then, I didn't even

40:09

ask her. I was just like, that's my grandmother's

40:11

slightly insane. I didn't think there was a

40:14

good reason, even at that age. I was like

40:16

seven. What about umbrellas being opened indoors? 100%.

40:18

Not okay. Yeah. Black cats. I got over

40:20

the black cats because I really like cats.

40:22

And I know that black cats are in some

40:24

ways the cutest cats. So I was like,

40:26

no, let's be honest. I do think black

40:28

cats are super cute. Super cute. But apparently

40:30

they're not as adopted because of the superstition.

40:32

That's so absurd. Yeah. Friday the 13th, kind of

40:35

nonsense. I got over the 13th thing, the

40:37

13th floor in a building, all that stuff.

40:39

To be honest. The only thing I'm really

40:41

superstitious about is saying something's going to happen. Oh.

40:44

And then it doesn't happen or saying it's not going

40:46

to happen and it does happen. Like I just

40:48

stay away from that stuff. Yeah. I don't like to

40:50

put into the universe something that may or may

40:52

not happen in the future. Yeah. But I think that

40:54

that actually can end up, I don't want to

40:56

say like shooting yourself in the foot, but. You

40:58

know, there's also such a thing as manifesting and

41:00

you can put into the universe what you want

41:02

and not see it as something to be disappointed

41:04

by when it doesn't happen. I've recently moved more

41:07

towards that camp. I've started to become more of

41:09

a manifester than a superstitious person. but because in

41:11

the past, you wouldn't put something you wanted into

41:13

the universe because you were like, oh, that means

41:15

it's not going to happen. Yeah, I agree. But

41:17

you know, there's one thing I will never stop

41:19

doing. And I know it is absolutely meaningless, but

41:21

I will never stop. And that's knocking on wood.

41:24

I will always knock, always knock on the wood.

41:26

Andy does knock on the wood and he'll make

41:28

a point of finding actual wood. Oh, yeah. I

41:30

could be with company that it would be inappropriate

41:32

to just suddenly go find wood to knock on.

41:34

Yeah. Like it's just like you shouldn't be doing

41:36

that in this kind of company, like a business

41:39

situation or something. And I will find wood. Yeah.

41:41

Like I'll be like, oh, hold on a second.

41:43

I'll look around. be like, is the floor wood?

41:45

You know, is something over? Is something we're wearing

41:47

wood? And I'll find it and I'll knock. And

41:49

I don't care what the ramifications are. Okay. And

41:51

do people notice? Yeah, they notice,

41:53

but it doesn't matter. I have to knock on wood.

41:55

Has to be done. And

41:57

okay. And I know it's

41:59

totally insane. Yeah. You know what would

42:02

make this world a better place, Charlene?

42:04

What? If everyone started buying stuff from

42:06

fast growing trees. Oh, if everyone had

42:08

a garden. A garden? That makes someone

42:10

a better person. I'm sorry it does.

42:12

It fosters patience. It fosters serving

42:14

something that is only serving you

42:17

by existing. So Fast Growing Trees

42:19

is the largest online nursery in

42:21

the US. Let that sink in

42:23

for a moment out of all

42:25

the nurseries where you would buy

42:28

plants, houseplants, trees. Privacy trees,

42:30

fruiting trees, flowering trees.

42:32

Fun trees. Fun trees, shrubs,

42:34

garden accessories. All of these things in

42:36

one place. Think about how big you have

42:38

to be to be the biggest destination

42:40

for that. It has to be love. An

42:42

industry of trees that becomes the biggest

42:44

is an industry of love. Yeah, the ultimate

42:46

labor of love. The people who started

42:48

fast trees. You can't become the biggest nursery

42:50

in the world. What do you think?

42:52

The people behind fast -growing trees are evil

42:54

businessmen? No. Like, we're going to take over

42:56

the tree business. No. From Passion,

42:59

Andy has said before that he wishes

43:01

he had thought of fast -growing trees. It's

43:03

okay, Andy. I could still do

43:05

it. Should I take them down? you

43:07

compete with fast trees? I'm coming

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43:35

actually this morning, you were like... Did

43:37

I forget to take my AG1 this morning?

43:39

I did. I started eating food. Forgot

43:41

about my AG1. Oh, no. It was a

43:43

rare slip. I was doing too many

43:45

things at once. Yes, you were distracted. Multitasking,

43:47

yeah. Did you end up taking your

43:49

AG1? I did. No day goes by without

43:52

me taking AG1, but AG1 is my

43:54

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43:56

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43:58

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44:00

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44:04

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44:06

scoop. You can see there's even like an

44:08

AG1 scoop. See how perfect that is.

44:10

And we put it in water and we

44:12

give it a whisk. I like to

44:14

add an ice cube. I like to add

44:17

a little lemon juice. You think you're

44:19

special? I do think I'm special. Vitamin D3,

44:21

K2. And then that. Is it? You

44:23

are set up for the day. You are

44:25

set up for success. You have given

44:27

yourself the best shot you got to have

44:29

a good day. Yes. Especially since in

44:31

our experience, it will also get things moving,

44:33

which let's be honest, that really sets

44:35

you up for success. Since age one, when

44:37

I go to the bathroom, I don't

44:39

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44:41

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44:43

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45:02

Dear Shandy to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com

45:04

slash Dear Shandy to start your new

45:06

year on a healthier note. So Charlene, I

45:08

think Cozy Earth is officially a member

45:10

of the family. Each Cozy Earth item we

45:12

have in this apartment is a shandy.

45:14

They're not just things. They're

45:16

people. They have personalities, like your lounge

45:18

pants, which are made from viscose from bamboo

45:20

and that look as good as the

45:22

day you bought them. Andy, where's these pants

45:24

in every single recording? Cozy Earth is

45:27

the last thing you ever have to think

45:29

about when buying the things that Cozy

45:31

Earth sells. So Cozy Earth, their hero product,

45:33

I think we all know, you probably

45:35

know by now, is their bedsheets. They are

45:37

unbelievably soft. They are cooling. They feel

45:39

more silky in the beginning. But then as

45:41

you wash them, they get like softer

45:43

and velveter. They're so nice. They keep you

45:45

cool when you're too hot. They keep

45:47

you warm when it's too cold. They keep

45:50

your night sweats at bay. So then

45:52

you get less staining. And can we talk

45:54

about how amazing bamboo is? Oh, my

45:56

God. And sustainable, by the way, more sustainable

45:58

than cotton, just saying. And grows so

46:00

fast you could actually see it growing. Really?

46:02

mean, you can't, but if you can

46:04

see anything growing, you can see bamboo growing.

46:06

Wouldn't you rather have bed sheets made

46:08

from a fabric that is sustainable and that

46:10

grows that quickly? If you fell asleep

46:13

on a bamboo shoot, you would wake up

46:15

with a bamboo inside you. Okay, okay.

46:17

And by the way, all Cozy Earth bedding

46:19

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46:21

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46:23

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46:25

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46:27

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46:29

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46:31

post -purchase survey, be sure to let them

46:33

know that we, dear Shandy, sent you. Okay,

46:36

so I'm curious for your take. on

46:38

this question because i i find

46:40

myself more torn than i think i

46:42

would have been even like a

46:45

handful of years ago what do you

46:47

think i would have said a

46:49

handful of years ago i think you

46:51

would have said who cares yeah

46:53

you know wow you know me so

46:55

well i feel so seen it's

46:57

not that i think i'm superstitious now

46:59

i just i think i believe

47:01

in something yeah that you can't put

47:03

your finger on more than i

47:05

used to sure And like, I'm just

47:07

a little more spiritual than I

47:10

used to be. And I don't want

47:12

to say it's bad juju. It's

47:14

just, there's like a niggle.

47:16

There's a niggle of discomfort. are

47:19

you to be the arbiter

47:21

of bad or good juju? Yeah.

47:23

Maybe it's good juju to

47:25

name someone after someone who died

47:27

tragically. Yeah. No, it's true.

47:29

I mean, there's clearly no real

47:31

world. manifestations of

47:33

this naming yeah it's impossible the

47:35

only thing that can happen is

47:37

you can manifest it yourself out

47:40

of fear yes yes that's wow

47:42

very good good point andy no

47:44

i applaud that i really agree

47:46

with that and i think as

47:48

a parent if you i just

47:50

not i'm not speaking as a

47:52

parent but i'm speaking as a

47:54

child if i think if you

47:56

place a lot of fear And

47:58

like behave in a way that

48:00

sort of supports that fear and

48:02

how you raise your children or

48:04

whatever. It can manifest in like,

48:06

I don't know, in a sequence

48:08

of events that almost like is

48:11

combating that and rebels against that

48:13

and like can have an unpleasant

48:15

outcome. That sounds really,

48:17

oh my God, I sound like

48:19

so negative and paranoid. On

48:21

the flip side, I think there's

48:23

something beautiful in naming her

48:25

Flora to show respect not only

48:27

for. her grandmother, but also

48:29

for this poor girl who died.

48:31

And I also think, and

48:33

this is, this is a knocking

48:35

on wood. There's wood right

48:37

there. There's nothing to knock yet.

48:39

But I also feel this

48:41

way. If I'm going to fly

48:43

in a plane, I want

48:45

the plane that just left before

48:47

my plane to have crashed,

48:49

killed everybody. I get on

48:51

that plane. I fly that plane

48:53

around the world. I

48:56

don't care. There's no chance. Because it's

48:58

so unlikely. Lightning doesn't strike twice. Yeah. So

49:00

if you're superstitious that you're going to

49:02

name your daughter Flora and she's going to

49:04

also get killed in a car accident,

49:06

that's literally out of like a bad Hollywood

49:08

movie. That does not happen. Oh, whoops. Sorry,

49:11

sorry. Got to knock, got to

49:13

knock. I'm knocking. It's over. I knocked.

49:15

It's good. We're good. All right.

49:17

I'm just saying in general. From a

49:19

probability standpoint. a probability standpoint, lightning

49:22

doesn't strike twice. So if you're worried

49:24

that somehow. there's a curse with

49:26

the name Flora, the odds of that

49:28

are astronomically high. And there's no

49:30

spiritual significance there. I refuse to believe

49:32

that. It's a name. It's just

49:34

letters. No one cares. The devils

49:36

and the spirits and the angels don't

49:38

care about your letters. But I will

49:40

say that if it has meaning and

49:42

that meaning is attached to your grandmother,

49:45

it means a lot to you. And

49:47

her grandmother, by the way, who is

49:49

still alive at 85 years old. Use

49:51

the name. Is someone going to come at

49:53

you and be like, how dare you use that name? Have

49:55

some respect. If that's going to happen, if you have family members

49:57

who are going to be very angry at you using the

49:59

name, then maybe stay away. But I don't think that's the case.

50:01

Yeah. Use the name. You want

50:03

the name. Don't think about this

50:05

stuff. Honestly, I think it's a little

50:07

too superstitious. Really? Oh my God.

50:09

What's happening to me? I'm like changing.

50:11

I feel like I'm changing before

50:14

your very eyes. I find myself, I

50:16

understand why she has pause over

50:18

this. I understand it. And it's funny.

50:20

Like in the days when I've

50:22

thought of like, oh, if we ever

50:24

had a kid, what name would

50:26

we give our kid? The name actually

50:28

is a name that I have

50:30

had the same pause about, not from

50:32

like an experience in our lives

50:34

or like being a relative or a

50:36

distant relative even, but more like

50:38

the name and like the concept of

50:40

the name and what happens to

50:42

that person. So I have

50:44

struggled with the same thing. And

50:46

I guess I am a little superstitious.

50:48

I don't know. Don't know

50:50

if I can give an answer to this.

50:52

I don't know if it's our place. Maybe hearing

50:55

us talk about it might be enough. But

50:57

I think that deep down, torn

50:59

millennial mom knows.

51:02

She knows what she wants to do. And

51:05

I think her mother is like probably

51:07

the superstitious one, because I also think older

51:09

generations tend to be more superstitious than

51:11

younger ones. And you notice how her mother's

51:13

like, don't do it if it doesn't

51:15

feel right. And like, which is automatically casting

51:17

doubt on the situation. There's only two

51:20

ways that she shouldn't use this name if

51:22

she truly wants to. One is if

51:24

it's going to upset members of her family

51:26

in a way that's going to cause

51:28

problems. It's not worth it. Number

51:30

two is if she thinks that

51:32

the girl, her child is going to

51:34

grow up with that name and

51:36

somehow be affected negatively by it. Like

51:38

if you name your kid something

51:40

crazy, like Elon Musk names his kids.

51:43

Idiots. X or something. Yeah, like X or

51:45

like names that don't. Oh no, X

51:47

is Twitter. What do they name his name?

51:49

I have no idea. It's so, it

51:51

should be illegal. if your last name is

51:53

Chandelier and you name the kid Crystal.

51:55

Exactly. It should be illegal. It should be

51:57

completely illegal to name your kid a

51:59

name that they're clearly going to get. beaten

52:01

up over at some point their life

52:03

if the person's last name is head you

52:05

don't name your kid richard period under

52:07

no circumstances you name that kid richard as

52:09

a matter of fact if you name

52:11

your kid richard you better be so careful

52:13

about what's going on with the middle

52:16

and last name you better be so careful

52:18

yeah it's crazy name to name someone

52:20

unless you don't know you can't be reckless

52:22

with that name but in this case

52:24

i don't see there being a downside so

52:26

just go ahead andy i feel like I

52:31

think we're going to have the

52:33

Shanties chime in and share their thoughts

52:35

on this. I am 80%. You

52:37

love the name Flora. You've always wanted

52:39

to name your daughter Flora. You

52:41

have your grandmother who's still alive and

52:43

who would probably be honored to

52:45

have her great -grandchild named Flora. I

52:48

think there's many reasons why this is

52:50

still a good name. Also, if

52:52

she has another girl, she can name

52:54

her Fauna. Okay,

52:59

torn millennial mom. Great

53:01

question, by the way. Like

53:03

seriously, what an interesting question. I find this

53:05

a fast, we've never had a question even close

53:07

to this. It's amazing. It just goes to

53:09

show it doesn't matter how many Q &As we

53:12

do, we're always going to get completely different questions.

53:14

And I mean, even though it comes from

53:16

a place of sadness, I think it brings about

53:18

an interesting conversation. An

53:20

important conversation. Yeah, it is. And

53:22

I think it's the sort of

53:24

thing that a lot of people

53:26

are faced with. And sometimes you

53:28

can have mismatched levels of superstition,

53:30

even with your partner. You know

53:32

what I mean? It's just interesting.

53:35

Like when you get superstitious about

53:37

things, I'm like, huh. Yeah. Like,

53:39

it's fascinating. And I recognize it

53:41

as universally a negative thing to

53:43

be superstitious. It is not a

53:45

good thing. It is a weak

53:47

thing to be. I think that

53:49

it does give your power away.

53:51

Yeah. Basically what you're saying

53:53

is I have no control over the universe.

53:55

The universe will dictate to me whatever happens.

53:57

You're taking all your free will away. Yeah.

53:59

It's like I will say something and then,

54:01

oh, I've set this thing in motion now.

54:03

I have no choice but to just let

54:06

it screw me. Yeah. And also you're looking

54:08

at it through a lens of the universe

54:10

screwing you instead of believing that everything happens

54:12

for a reason. You know, the universe is

54:14

like is divine. And we live in chaos,

54:16

which is why one time. years ago someone

54:18

did something and a bad thing happened to

54:20

them and everyone in the town was like

54:22

oh he did that thing and now that

54:24

bad thing happened no one did that thing

54:26

again and that spread the word spread and

54:28

actually know a whole country feels that way

54:30

isn't that crazy that that's probably how it

54:32

that's how all of it happened you think

54:34

my grandmother doesn't want hats on a bed

54:37

because there was a there was a book

54:39

written by a great scientist who said you

54:41

put a hat on a bed someone dies Somebody

54:44

the shtetl in Ukraine was

54:46

like, oh, I put the hat

54:48

on the bed and my whole family was taken

54:50

away. Yeah,

54:53

no, bad things happen in those

54:55

shtetls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's

54:57

a good day. Your whole family

54:59

gets taken away. It was a rough

55:01

time back then. Oh, okay. Can

55:03

we try to end this on a

55:05

slightly more positive note, Andy? Yeah,

55:07

yeah. No, I mean, it is important

55:09

to note that my lineage, almost

55:11

all of them, were constantly on the

55:13

run from angry Cossacks. And therefore,

55:16

your lineage is superstitious. Well, superstitious and

55:18

very nervous about everything. Always worried.

55:20

about what's going to happen next. Yeah.

55:22

I have it. I know it's

55:24

in me. I was definitely raised less

55:26

superstitious than you. Yeah, well, you

55:28

came from Chinese stock. I mean, the

55:30

Chinese have their superstitions, but I

55:32

wouldn't say that my upbringing was like

55:34

led with that. More pragmatic, the

55:36

Chinese. A little more pragmatic. Yeah, yeah.

55:39

It's a little more like goal -oriented.

55:41

Yeah. Speaking of

55:43

manifesting. Okay, torn millennial mom,

55:45

good luck. All

55:47

right, this next question

55:50

is from Anonymous. Dear

55:52

Shandy, I am a 30 -year -old woman

55:54

living in the South with my fiancé,

55:56

30 male, who is finishing his medical

55:58

residency. We're both from the Twin Cities

56:00

where most of our family and friends

56:02

are. I know what that is now.

56:05

Minneapolis, St. Paul, baby. Yeah, thanks to Love

56:08

is Blind 8. I felt like an

56:10

idiot, but not now. An idiot like with

56:12

a DMV. Yeah, I didn't know what

56:14

the Twin Cities were. We got engaged in

56:16

summer 2023 and planned a long engagement

56:18

to avoid his notoriously grueling intern year. Our

56:20

wedding is set for fall of 2025

56:22

in Minnesota. Everything was going

56:24

smoothly until this past Christmas,

56:27

2024, when one of my

56:29

fiance's best friends got engaged.

56:31

One of his fiance's best friends got engaged.

56:33

Okay. We were thrilled for them until

56:35

we met up with their friend group a

56:38

week later and learned they were already

56:40

deep into planning. They told us the only

56:42

date available for their dream wedding was

56:44

the week before ours on the East Coast.

56:46

They asked if we were okay with

56:48

it, and I awkwardly said yes, though I

56:50

wasn't sure if my fiance could get

56:52

the time off given that he's already taking

56:55

over a week for our wedding and

56:57

planned honeymoon. They seemed understanding, so I hoped

56:59

they'd pick a different date. spring

57:01

of 2026 since they got engaged

57:03

over a year after us well

57:05

they booked it now i'm spiraling

57:07

the logistics alone are overwhelming flying

57:09

from our city to the east

57:11

coast back home up to minnesota

57:13

then off to our honeymoon all

57:15

within two weeks plus i can't

57:17

shake the anxiety that a dozen

57:19

or so people attending both weddings

57:21

will even subconsciously compare ours to

57:23

theirs which i suspect will be

57:25

much more extravagant reasonable i i

57:28

keep really is that reasonable Is

57:30

that a reasonable concern? do the same

57:32

thing, yeah. I keep wondering, why would someone

57:34

ever do this to a friend? So,

57:36

am I the asshole for feeling upset about

57:39

this? And more importantly, would you even

57:41

go to their wedding in my shoes? Anonymous.

57:46

I can be a

57:48

petty person. I admit

57:50

it. You're not that petty.

57:52

I'm a little petty at times. When

57:54

there was big things in my life, I can

57:57

be petty. Yeah, I would say

57:59

me too, though. I have learned about myself

58:01

that I am a little bit spite driven. Yeah.

58:03

Like this whole podcast is a spite podcast

58:05

that we've talked about in the past. I

58:08

would be a little annoyed

58:10

and I very well may

58:12

not go. See,

58:15

I feel like our spiteful sides, our

58:17

petty sides are a little behind us,

58:19

if I'm honest. I feel like we're

58:21

kind of outgrowing it. And

58:23

thus I'm going to give a

58:25

little more like. higher self advice

58:27

right now. Can we give advice

58:29

from both our present and past

58:31

selves? I just

58:33

want to make sure I didn't miss

58:36

something here. Is it definite that the

58:38

friend knew, like made this decision with

58:40

the knowledge that this was going to

58:42

semi -conflict? Well, because they asked her if

58:44

it's okay. And let's be honest, it

58:46

wasn't a real question. Okay, so it's

58:48

100 % they know the whole deal.

58:50

The only date they could get, the

58:52

only available date for their dream wedding

58:54

was the week before. anonymous's

58:57

on the on you know i would i

58:59

would have personally said to her and and

59:02

on all seriousness no passive aggression i would

59:04

said it is it is totally fine but

59:06

i just want you to know i don't

59:08

think we're going to be able to make

59:10

it like i just there's too much going

59:12

on and and i would love to go

59:14

but i don't think we're going to make

59:16

that date that's what i would have done

59:18

yeah i i think if it's going to

59:21

cause too much stress yeah don't do it

59:23

a week honestly when i think back to

59:25

our wedding The idea of flying, getting on

59:27

a plane. No, no, no. To go to

59:29

another wedding one weekend before. No, no. Like,

59:32

I don't know if I. I don't want to

59:34

be wedding. It would have to be a very

59:36

close friend. At

59:38

which point you're kind of like, would a

59:40

very close friend do this? You know, I

59:42

don't think it's a slight. I think that

59:44

at the end of the day, they just

59:46

want their dream wedding. You know, I don't

59:48

think you can expect that your wedding is

59:50

going to play a role. In like what

59:52

date or activity or place that someone else's

59:54

wedding has chosen to be. Everyone's bride zilling

59:56

in some way, right? Let them do their

59:58

Zilla. You do your Zilla. Part of your

1:00:00

Zilla is not going to their thing. Just

1:00:02

don't go. Yeah. That's what I would do.

1:00:04

We had a wedding. Dan's wedding was what?

1:00:06

July? And our wedding was in September,

1:00:08

July, August, two months before. Even that, I was like,

1:00:10

and I know, I'm not saying he did it maliciously.

1:00:12

No. has nothing to do it. No, his wedding was

1:00:14

planned, I think, before. Planned way before. No, ours was

1:00:16

planned actually like a year and a half. Oh, now

1:00:18

I may have to give Dan a call. No, but

1:00:21

that wedding, even that, I was like, oh, this feels

1:00:23

a little soon. It's different when you choose a date

1:00:25

after. Because I'm telling you, if this friend had chosen

1:00:27

a wedding date after theirs, as long as they weren't

1:00:29

on their honeymoon, I think they would have been fine

1:00:31

going. It's because they're done their wedding. Yes.

1:00:34

Anyway. Okay. So what's her advice exactly?

1:00:36

My advice is don't feel bad about

1:00:38

making strong decisions before a major day

1:00:40

of your life. Don't feel like you're

1:00:42

obligated to go to this thing. Don't

1:00:44

get involved in a frenemy situation. Just

1:00:46

be like, you made your choice. I'm

1:00:48

making my choice. I got the biggest

1:00:50

day of my life. You got the

1:00:52

biggest day of your life. They have

1:00:54

to intersect. Biggest day of your life

1:00:56

is a debatable term. It's a big

1:00:58

day. It's a term. It's a coined

1:01:00

term. A coined term. Yeah, a lot

1:01:02

of people feel that way about their

1:01:04

wedding day. It's the biggest day of

1:01:06

your life. I've seen it on

1:01:08

commercials, on TV. They say, it's the

1:01:10

biggest day of your life. Spend

1:01:13

extra money on it. We're

1:01:16

trained to believe it's the biggest thing of our lives. No,

1:01:18

it's true. Okay. So, yeah,

1:01:20

I think my advice

1:01:22

is to care less. Care

1:01:25

less and have more of a sense of humor about

1:01:27

it. It's like, oh, well. Yeah, I

1:01:29

agree. You know, it's like they didn't care that

1:01:31

much. So why are you caring so much?

1:01:33

Care less if you go and care less if

1:01:35

you don't go. Either way, you're caring less.

1:01:37

I totally agree. Put all your caring towards your

1:01:39

own wedding. And if it happens to work

1:01:41

out, if the flights are reasonable, if you think

1:01:44

you can swing it, then you go do

1:01:46

it. You go for a night, you go to

1:01:48

the wedding and then you go back and,

1:01:50

you know, get ready for yours. And if it's

1:01:52

going to cause you too much stress, don't

1:01:54

do it. And do not feel guilt about it.

1:01:56

Because I don't feel like they're feeling guilt

1:01:58

about choosing their wedding date. Make believe you're about

1:02:00

to do the high. What's the most stressful

1:02:02

event in the Olympics? I feel like the pole

1:02:05

vault. If I had one event to do

1:02:07

and everything was on the line, the pole vault

1:02:09

for me, I don't do that. I to

1:02:11

be part of the pole vault. See, the pole

1:02:13

vault, though. It's just

1:02:15

so stressful. It does look stressful, but

1:02:17

it also looks like, okay, I'm going

1:02:19

to tell you one that I think

1:02:21

looks stressful is the. The

1:02:24

beam in gymnastics.

1:02:27

The beam. The beam is terrible. The only reason I

1:02:29

feel that way is because I feel like gymnasts

1:02:31

who never mess up on anything will still mess up

1:02:33

on the beam. And I think that speaks to

1:02:35

how difficult the beam is. And the beam is like,

1:02:37

it's like a state of mind. Like just looking.

1:02:39

Have you ever stood on one of those? No, it's

1:02:41

like to me, it's a torture device. I keep

1:02:43

thinking I'm going to fall and to hit me right

1:02:45

in the junk. Yes, yes, yes. And when I

1:02:47

was little, I did gymnastics for a couple of years.

1:02:49

Did you know that? I didn't know that. You

1:02:51

never told me that. You didn't? I

1:02:53

know you did ice skating. Yes. seen the

1:02:55

videos. No, you haven't. I have. I saw your

1:02:58

ice skating videos. Really? Yeah, your house. I

1:03:00

was not bad, actually, at ice skating. You were

1:03:02

amazing. You could have been a great ice

1:03:04

skater. Well, for anyone listening, I reached

1:03:06

a point with ice skating where it was like, okay,

1:03:08

now you have to either get a private coach or just

1:03:10

stop. Yeah, and you didn't want to ice skate. No.

1:03:12

You wanted to sing. Amazing.

1:03:17

Your childhood and my childhood are so different. You

1:03:19

chose between ice skating and singing. Well, no,

1:03:21

my parents would not. That's the thing. It's like

1:03:23

I was never going to be I was

1:03:25

never good enough. I was also way too old.

1:03:28

Were you like 12? Something like that. But

1:03:31

at 12, to finally get a private coach,

1:03:33

it's like you're way too old. Like there

1:03:35

was like 12 -year -olds in the Olympics, I

1:03:37

feel like. You go to the Olympics at

1:03:39

like, what, 13? It's crazy. You're basically born

1:03:41

into the Olympics. Yeah. By three, you're probably

1:03:43

old. Yeah, you got a private coach at

1:03:45

five. Yeah. So the point is, is that

1:03:47

there are certain Olympic events that are extremely

1:03:49

stressful. Yeah. The beam, the pole vault, high

1:03:51

dive, the 10 -meter dive, that's oof. Okay, let's

1:03:53

think of one that we don't think is

1:03:55

that stressful. Biking.

1:03:59

Bicycling. Just long bicycle. I have a totally

1:04:01

irrational one. Like, I don't know why

1:04:03

I think this. The mile. What's

1:04:05

the mile? Just running a mile. It

1:04:08

hurts, but it's not like, I mean, you know,

1:04:10

you're either going to win or you're not going to

1:04:12

win. So I have a weird idea that the

1:04:14

double bars are not that stressful. Are you out of

1:04:16

your mind? I don't know. I can't explain it.

1:04:19

Now that I think about it, that's the most stressful.

1:04:21

No, for some reason. You can miss the bar.

1:04:23

No, but I'm like, but you've got another bar. That's

1:04:26

the whole point. That's what makes it so hard. No,

1:04:29

but there's another bar. If you miss

1:04:31

one bar, there's another one. It's not

1:04:33

like you're just... Okay, you've lost it.

1:04:35

That's completely insane. That's a terribly stressful

1:04:37

event. Okay. Anyway, my point I

1:04:39

understand. The pole vault hard. Okay, so which one are we

1:04:41

going to agree on for this analogy? Oh, you know

1:04:43

which one's not that stressful? Is

1:04:45

the shot put. I

1:04:47

agree with that. Shot puts unstressful. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

1:04:49

Yeah. Or the javelin. Any of those things where

1:04:51

you're just throwing something. Yeah, it's easy. It's like,

1:04:53

what are you going to play? Are you to

1:04:55

say, oh, I didn't throw it hard enough? be

1:04:57

your aim. Your aim was hard. Aim has nothing

1:04:59

to do with it. Aim is part of it.

1:05:01

it straight. No, but it's not

1:05:04

straight. You're like spinning and then you need the

1:05:06

momentum. So it's like you need to time it.

1:05:08

If you throw it off angle, it's going to

1:05:10

go less far. I say that because sometimes when

1:05:12

we play Frisbee, my throw is really good, but

1:05:14

my timing is off. So my aim is bad.

1:05:16

Yeah, well. Okay. Okay. So, okay. Get back to

1:05:18

your point. The hard thing. Okay. So are we

1:05:20

going to agree on pole vault or what? I'm

1:05:22

going with beam. Okay. So let's say

1:05:24

you are going to do the beam in

1:05:26

a week and that one beam is

1:05:28

going to determine whether the United States wins

1:05:31

the gold medal in the all around.

1:05:33

That's it. It's all resting on that beam.

1:05:35

Yeah. Are you going to go out

1:05:37

partying the week before? know, the reason why

1:05:39

the beam, sorry, is so bad is

1:05:41

because if you fall. You hit that hard

1:05:43

beam. Oh, there's no pretty way to

1:05:45

fall off the beam. When they do a

1:05:47

handless flip, you know, they do like

1:05:49

a flip and their hands are just like

1:05:52

by their side. If you miss that,

1:05:54

like your head landing on that. Meanwhile, the

1:05:56

pole vault, you're landing in a bunch

1:05:58

of like cushioning. Yeah, no, this is true.

1:06:00

Okay, sorry, continue. Also, another stressful one

1:06:02

is that thing where you, the pommel horse

1:06:04

thing where you jump on it. What's

1:06:06

that called? I thought it

1:06:08

was the pommel horse. No, that's where you're doing the

1:06:10

things on the horse. The one where you jump on

1:06:12

it and then you fly and you do all sorts

1:06:14

of flips. Yeah. What's that called? I don't know. That's

1:06:19

definitely not the pole vault. I think it's vault. It's just called

1:06:21

the vault. It's called the vault? Yeah, the vault. I'm going to go

1:06:23

with that. Okay. Also a club

1:06:25

that used to be in the city. very the

1:06:27

vault grimy club in the city oh really

1:06:29

it's back in the 90s that sounds grimy a

1:06:31

lot of bad things going on there and

1:06:33

good things depends what your game is anyway so

1:06:35

let's say you had the beam And that

1:06:37

was it. Are you going to go out partying

1:06:39

the weekend before? Is someone going to be

1:06:41

like, oh, it's my best friend's bachelor party. We

1:06:43

really, you know, the bachelorette party. We really

1:06:45

want you there. It wouldn't be the same without

1:06:47

you. You say, absolutely not. How dare you?

1:06:49

How dare you invite me to your bachelorette party?

1:06:51

You know what I have on the line

1:06:53

next week. Are you even a good friend to

1:06:55

even suggest that? You should say to all

1:06:57

your friends, don't tell her about the bachelorette party.

1:06:59

She's got more important things to do. Yeah,

1:07:01

I don't know. I mean, because they can just

1:07:04

go be guests and have fun. I don't

1:07:06

know why it has to be like. you

1:07:08

know, I don't, their wedding isn't something they have

1:07:10

to perform. I mean, at this point now you've negated

1:07:12

our whole discussion. Okay.

1:07:16

Well, I think our overall advice

1:07:18

is to just see some humor

1:07:20

in the whole situation. Also

1:07:23

how cool that you have so many

1:07:25

options in your life. Right. Not to put

1:07:27

too positive a spin on this, but

1:07:29

you know, this is like, talk about a

1:07:31

champagne problem. It's like, Oh, should I,

1:07:33

or shouldn't I go to that extra wedding

1:07:35

this summer? But I agree.

1:07:38

But the real point here, I think,

1:07:40

is more close to my Olympic analogy,

1:07:42

which is that there are certain

1:07:44

times when you have to take priority

1:07:46

over everything else. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah,

1:07:48

yeah. there aren't many times in life.

1:07:50

Oftentimes, you sort of are obliged

1:07:52

to do things that in the end

1:07:54

will be better for your life. Yeah.

1:07:56

In this case, wedding, you are Queen

1:07:58

Bee. Okay. the Zilla.

1:08:00

Yeah, be the Zilla. Yes. Let them Zilla.

1:08:02

You do your Zilla. Exactly. Zilla.

1:08:05

Zilla. You're one who said Zilla. there was an

1:08:07

app. Was there a company called Zilla a long

1:08:09

time ago? It sounds like it. Zilla. I feel

1:08:11

like every name of every app or every company

1:08:13

has been thought of at this point. It's getting

1:08:15

ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Some the names are just bad.

1:08:17

Yeah. What's the worst app name? I

1:08:19

can't think of any. But the ones without syllables are

1:08:21

always annoying. Oh, the worst. Come on, enough of that

1:08:23

stuff. I don't want a restaurant without a syllable either.

1:08:25

Oh. I want to see the full name. If you

1:08:27

can't think of a name and you have to just

1:08:29

take syllables out of the name it should have been.

1:08:31

Do you mean consonants? No, syllables.

1:08:34

Oh, yeah, you're right. Do

1:08:37

you mean consonants vowels? No, syllables

1:08:39

are taken out. Syllables?

1:08:41

Yeah,

1:08:43

like... Watermelon

1:08:45

water? Yeah,

1:08:48

watermelon water. It's vowels versus consonants,

1:08:51

not syllables. Oh,

1:08:53

my bad. Sorry.

1:08:55

Yes, you're right. It's just vowels.

1:08:57

Okay, we didn't get much sleep last

1:08:59

night. I forgot my words. I

1:09:02

was wondering, I was like, I know it's

1:09:04

syllables. It's gotta be syllables. No, it's vowels. I

1:09:06

must stick vowels to syllables. Yeah, it's fine.

1:09:08

But the point is, if I'm eating in a

1:09:10

restaurant, I want that restaurant to have syllables

1:09:12

in the name. I insist upon it. Syllables are

1:09:14

vowels. Sorry, sorry. If I'm eating in a

1:09:16

restaurant, I want that restaurant to have vowels in

1:09:18

the name. I agree. I think vowels, I'm

1:09:20

gonna be honest, this is a weird thought I'm

1:09:23

about to have, but you know, this is

1:09:25

our place where we can say things like this.

1:09:27

I think that vowels look clean. Yeah. Like

1:09:29

when a restaurant doesn't have vowels the name, it

1:09:31

doesn't feel clean to me. It feels dirty.

1:09:33

I agree with you. feels dirty. Like vowels cleanse

1:09:35

the palate. It also feels lazy. It

1:09:37

feels like you couldn't think of a good name.

1:09:39

But it feels like too cool for school lazy.

1:09:42

Like not like, oh, I just couldn't be bothered,

1:09:44

but I'm cool. It's more like, oh, how can I

1:09:46

look cool? And like, I don't care. Yeah, I'll

1:09:48

remove the vowels. It's like try hardly. But also,

1:09:50

what are you trying to tell me? What are you

1:09:52

telling me about your food by removing the vowels?

1:09:55

It's unclean. Yeah. It's lazy. I'm seeing like

1:09:57

a C score on their door when you

1:09:59

walk in. Yeah. Someone who's cutting corners. Yes.

1:10:01

They're saying to you right now, we're cutting

1:10:03

corners so hard, we don't have time for

1:10:05

vowels. Yes. All right. Okay.

1:10:07

I think we've answered this one

1:10:09

somehow. Good luck, Anonymous. I

1:10:12

don't think you need it as much

1:10:14

as I think you think you need it.

1:10:17

I agree. Okay. All

1:10:19

right, Andy, that is a wrap for this

1:10:21

Q &A. Before we close, I'm going to

1:10:23

do the thing I do in most of

1:10:25

our Q &As now where I just remind our

1:10:28

shanties about length. It is more likely to

1:10:30

be chosen if it is three minutes or

1:10:32

less to read out loud. Just, you know,

1:10:34

bear that in mind when you submit because

1:10:36

I don't want people thinking that we're just

1:10:38

like not choosing it. Yeah, we prefer girth

1:10:40

over length. We

1:10:42

do prefer girth over length here at Dew Shandy.

1:10:45

Okay, if you enjoyed what you heard today, you

1:10:47

know what we will ask of you, and that

1:10:49

is to like, subscribe, hit the notification bell, follow

1:10:51

us on Instagram, and TikTok. Leave us Apple and

1:10:53

Spotify. Podcast ratings and reviews. Tell your friends and

1:10:55

generally do all the things you would do to

1:10:57

support a podcast you enjoy. Thank you so much

1:10:59

for tuning in. Oh, here

1:11:02

we go. She

1:11:07

seems further away than usual. Ruby.

1:11:24

Thank you so much for tuning in and we'll

1:11:26

see you next time on Dear Shandy. Bye -bye. Oh,

1:11:29

here she comes. Go to daddy. Come

1:11:32

on. Hey, Ruby,

1:11:34

come on. Yay. Oh,

1:11:37

it's a booboo bear. It's a booboo bear.