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1:44

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podcast festival. Welcome to Decisions Decisions.

2:17

I don't think you should say Decisions.

2:20

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2:22

cursing. You definitely say to welcome. Welcome

2:24

to the new podcast. All right.

2:26

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2:28

Decisions. Hey guys,

2:30

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2:33

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2:35

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2:37

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2:39

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sure you hurry up. Click the link in

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this bio. We're going to see you soon. Welcome

3:01

everybody to another episode

3:03

of Decisions, Decisions. I'm

3:05

your girl, Mindy B. I

3:08

am Weezy WTF. We are back for

3:10

another episode and we haven't really caught

3:12

up about much, but we know Mandy got

3:14

a boyfriend. Yeah, I mean,

3:16

we've been saying that now for a while. You

3:19

know, things are good. So

3:22

how do you guys schedule? So you

3:24

guys, last time I know you saw him,

3:26

we were in Denver for work. Yeah. going

3:29

literally after this trip to LA

3:31

to be with him

3:33

for one of his work things. And

3:36

then he's already looking up flights

3:38

to come to Atlanta to spend another

3:40

week with me. It's so

3:42

strange because I enjoy

3:44

my space. Even

3:46

in my last relationship, I would

3:48

see my partner three to four days a week. There's

3:51

not a A trip I go on where

3:53

I want to be there more than four

3:55

days. It doesn't matter if it's international or not

3:57

like I literally go to Abu Dhabi for

3:59

my birthday for four days and So

4:01

I could tell he's having

4:03

a thing about that Because he's

4:05

like I guess I only get to see you

4:08

for three to four days. I love you Mandy

4:10

I was about to be like can you stay

4:12

one more day so we can record I get

4:14

to LA Sunday. Yeah, no, I'm leaving. I gotta

4:16

go back for work in Atlanta, but I Literally am

4:18

like know my

4:20

capacity as a person

4:22

to be around somebody like

4:24

it's to the point where even

4:26

when people started staying with me

4:28

when I still lived here

4:30

in New York by after the third

4:32

day I would get them a

4:35

hotel like I cannot be

4:37

confined in a space with someone

4:39

very long and I'm very aware of

4:41

that and so because we're now staying

4:43

at each other's place I'm like Well,

4:45

babe, this is the capacity I have like

4:47

vacation with your friends for no not for

4:49

more than four days literally with crystal We

4:52

went to South Africa for four days Asia

4:54

for I lived in Asia I was living

4:56

in Singapore and we did each stop at

4:58

a different time But also like in one

5:00

we'd have a villa multiple rooms and one

5:02

we'd have multiple rooms if there was more

5:04

than Well, like we wouldn't stay in the

5:06

same room. Okay. Well two bedroom keeps me

5:09

happy Yeah, like well, I don't have another

5:11

bed my my second bedroom is a content

5:13

space And luckily, I

5:15

have an upstairs and downstairs now.

5:17

But no, I realize, like, how

5:20

much I need my space. And

5:22

I'm trying to talk to him

5:24

because he's lived with his last

5:26

two exes. And so he's used

5:28

to that confinement and being on someone.

5:30

a lot of experience for me

5:32

and that young. But I haven't.

5:34

So I am just, like, trying

5:36

to tell him, it's not about

5:38

you. But to me, in order

5:40

to... I hate that he takes it

5:42

as, like, I'm... with him or putting

5:44

up with him, but I'm just fully

5:46

aware that I need space from

5:49

people like even Rosie just came

5:51

and spent a couple days in my house

5:53

and before she came she went to say

5:55

with a friend Before she even came to my

5:57

house because I knew how long she was gonna be

5:59

in Atlanta And luckily I have my little discount,

6:01

but I will literally buy somebody a

6:03

hotel room so that they're not in my

6:05

space So right now with being that

6:07

we're commuting to see each other And again,

6:09

luckily, it's been every two to three

6:11

weeks. So I feel lucky. It's

6:14

like maybe four days. So

6:16

when he goes to Atlanta... How much more with

6:18

you? Would he like? I don't know. I don't

6:20

know. I don't care. Like he literally just booked

6:22

a flight to where he's like, technically

6:25

it's five, but it's not. So

6:27

he's coming in Monday night at

6:29

like 2 a .m. So technically

6:31

that's Tuesday and leaving Friday.

6:34

To him, that's a Monday through Friday.

6:36

So he's sneaking in a fifth day.

6:38

But I'm like... I don't want you

6:40

to take it, like, thing, but there's

6:42

literally nobody in the world, like, that

6:45

I want to spend that much

6:47

time with. Like, even my

6:49

family, I'll go to Orlando and spend one

6:51

day. Like, I really

6:53

like my alone time. I

6:55

really like the ability to

6:57

recharge my social battery. And

6:59

I am fully self -aware that

7:01

I like my space. I like

7:03

my time. I like that. And

7:05

I almost need it. It's not even that I like

7:07

it. I need it. And so

7:09

that's what we're talking about now, because he's

7:12

like, babe, we live on two

7:14

different coasts. Like, damn, can I

7:16

see? Like, he literally wants me to go see his family in

7:18

Italy this summer. And I was like, okay, well,

7:20

I'll go there for about four days, and you

7:22

can stay longer. Stop. Sort of God. I

7:25

kind of get that. You know what I mean?

7:27

No, no, no, no. I mean, like, you can't a

7:29

lot. No. But if you're with his family for four

7:31

days, and then you guys do something else. That's still

7:33

being with him for more, like... is a lot. I

7:35

need my, and to me, it sounds even stranger for

7:37

me to go stay by myself. the longest vacation you've

7:39

ever taken. Maybe

7:42

five days? With a partner, only five days? No,

7:44

not with a partner, even with friends, but I'm now, even

7:47

since then, I have my own room. Like,

7:49

even Deandra's birthday, like, I could

7:51

call Crystal right now. Like, I

7:53

kind of want to call it right now. It'd

7:55

be like Crystal. And Crystal is who travels

7:57

with me everywhere. The longest we've done is four

7:59

days, even going to South Africa. We did

8:01

Johannesburg for two days and Cape Town for

8:03

two days. Four days is like

8:05

literally my max to be around people. Before

8:07

I'm like, I'm going to go

8:09

off by myself. I need a break. that

8:11

is what like Vinny and I have traveled

8:13

for weeks on end to get there. Oh,

8:16

no. I've never done that. I mean, that's

8:18

what we used to do. We're young.

8:20

We're exploring Europe. We're exploring Asia. even

8:22

when I toured two weeks around. We

8:25

love it. But what we do is we

8:27

separate. So if

8:29

we're not in separate rooms, which

8:31

for most of the time at this age, now that

8:33

always happens. But yeah, he would

8:35

do his own thing. I'd stay in. I'm

8:38

not in him and I, and that's why Vinny

8:40

and I are such good friends. We

8:43

could be in a club lose each other

8:45

and find each other and not be

8:47

angry and you know some of Oh, yeah,

8:49

no, I do that with all people

8:52

be like I've never been like that and

8:54

maybe that's what helps but you're making

8:56

me think because So Brianda met

8:58

somebody and I wanted to

9:00

see a photo and she's like no

9:02

because you and my partner living each other's skin

9:04

and you're gonna tell them and I have

9:06

to keep it close to the chest It's between

9:08

me and God until it goes forward and

9:10

I'm like I'm not gonna tell him. She's like,

9:12

yes, you are. And I remember she came back from a

9:14

date and he was in the house and we both sat there

9:16

like, tell us. And yeah,

9:19

I think a lot of our friends feel like that

9:21

right now that we are spending a lot of time

9:23

together. And I

9:25

don't know, like it's interesting

9:27

because there are two different types

9:29

of people, you know? Like one

9:32

of my friends is dating someone who feels the same

9:34

as your partner. Kind of like, why can't

9:36

I have more with you when we live in two different

9:38

cities? And he's like, Bro, I

9:40

just, it's not even about her. I just, after

9:42

a few days, I'm like, ah, I need to be

9:44

alone. That's not about him. And I told him

9:46

that. Whereas my partner is like, I'm not

9:48

really feeling that. I don't

9:50

feel like my alone time is needed

9:52

to recharge. I may need a moment of not

9:54

talking or being, having some space, but I don't

9:56

feel like that. Even in Thailand, we were doing,

9:59

we never really had a moment where

10:01

we were feeling like, I need a night

10:03

alone. But I think

10:05

it's just everyone's temperament because

10:07

my friend that expressed that to me was like, bro,

10:10

I feel so bad

10:12

that I'm in love with her

10:14

and she thinks I don't want to be around her.

10:16

However, I will say,

10:19

I said to him, how do you

10:21

then be with someone long -term that completely feels

10:23

invalidated because you can't spend that much time with

10:25

them? Oh, no, they got to take that

10:27

up with their therapist. I'm telling him, but it's

10:30

not about him. And I think that that's

10:32

the problem with dating. I know you

10:34

chuckled a little bit, but to be fair,

10:36

I'm very aware of my sister's issue. No.

10:38

If you feel invalidated when I'm telling you

10:40

it's not you, it's me needing space. I'm

10:43

a human being who has had a lot

10:45

of time alone, who spends a lot of

10:47

time around other people, who works a lot

10:49

in a capacity where I'm constantly around other

10:51

people. I'm fully aware that I need

10:53

space. This has nothing to do with a lack

10:55

of interest to you. This has nothing to do... my

10:57

investment to you. This has nothing to do with

10:59

how much I like you. And it's so funny because

11:01

we both are catching ourselves with the L word

11:03

right now. And he's like, oh, I almost said it.

11:05

I was OK. Bye, babe. And we do this

11:07

thing where we kiss when we hang up. And we're

11:09

both not saying it, but I'm like, I

11:12

feel so adored by this man. Like

11:14

I really genuinely like him. And it's

11:16

so crazy because when we're like around

11:18

each other, the PDA is

11:20

crazy. Like we hug, we.

11:23

Hold hands. We have to wrap each other

11:25

around each other. Like the forehead kisses, the mouth

11:27

kisses, kisses. But do There

11:30

isn't like to me, that's not a compromise. My compromise

11:32

is four days. And I'm spending money

11:34

to come to LA. You spend money

11:36

to come to Atlanta. We meet in between. We

11:38

make these plans. I love the idea

11:40

of missing you. But in this space

11:42

that I'm in, where I'm constantly around

11:45

other people, I really

11:47

wholeheartedly need

11:49

my recharge. Like... I

11:51

think that's why I'm really enjoying this

11:53

move right now, because I don't have the

11:56

FOMO of being outside in Atlanta. And

11:58

I literally just spend time in my house. Oh,

12:00

you should see. I'd laughing at you laugh

12:02

because, like, I could feel that because when I'm

12:04

in New York, I get it. New York makes

12:06

me. LA, I don't I feel like I have

12:08

to be outside. And it's constantly, my mind doesn't

12:10

stop. Oh, you should see. Y 'all

12:12

could talk about me as a cat mom. I

12:15

don't care. There's times where I'm literally at the house,

12:17

and I will lock Bodie

12:19

in a room. because he just be trying to be

12:21

up on me sometimes. Bode, go

12:23

away. Now, hold on. I will put Bode in

12:25

a while. I

12:28

guess it's more so of the fact that

12:30

I'm wondering, is it down to a T

12:32

that you know that it is a four -day

12:34

thing? Yes, like, even with traveling. Yes,

12:37

like, I'm going to Jamaica, literally

12:39

for Labor Day weekend. Y 'all, Choco Bliss, get your

12:41

tickets now. Join me there. And

12:43

it's five to seven days. And I'm

12:45

like, yeah, I can't,

12:48

I it. That's a long

12:50

trip. It's always a long trip. Like

12:52

anything more than four is a long

12:54

time, even for me to be around

12:56

like Crystal, who we have a 13

12:58

year friendship. It's literally

13:00

what I know. And

13:02

she had a day job. Like I traveled

13:04

a lot. Like we even used to say there

13:06

would be days where we wouldn't see each other.

13:08

Bro, I had niggas coming in the house that

13:10

she never met. Like, bro, how the fuck

13:13

we lived together this long, and I ain't never seen

13:15

this thing that came and knocked you down. a sense,

13:17

but I'm thinking for compromise. And genuinely, you

13:19

care about this person. He cares about you. Fuck

13:22

the invalidation thing and saying it's an insecurity. He

13:25

wants to go on a trip with you. Europe is far, right?

13:28

Let's just say he's like, yo, I would love

13:30

to spend three days with you and my family

13:32

and three days with us on the beach, like

13:34

in Europe. Like, that's a long trek for both

13:36

of you, especially him being in LA. For him,

13:38

it's a long trek. For me, it's six to

13:40

eight hours. But still. It's a thing

13:42

he wants to do with you. Could

13:44

you, cause you, he's, what Eddin's making the

13:46

point of is like, you're saying it's

13:48

four days. Maybe could you try to see

13:50

how you can recharge yourself while spending that

13:52

much time? That's actually another reason yet you, you're right.

13:54

That is kind of also why I chuckled a bit because

13:56

it makes me wonder, okay, how do we get Mandy

13:58

to day five? Right. That

14:00

isn't he's trying to figure it out, which is why

14:03

yeah, that's i mean i think i was your

14:05

partner friday i would be trying to figure out how

14:07

to make just day five happen yeah, but i think

14:09

we're all we're also still so new yeah

14:11

like i don't want to be in a

14:13

point like i love that also when we're

14:15

around there's no argument it's fun like i

14:17

love that i don't want to get to

14:19

the point where Maybe he sees me so

14:22

early in my funk i'm fully

14:24

aware that I need a break. I

14:26

need a recharge. A man knowing you

14:28

get in your mood for the

14:30

relationship. That's fine. He has seen me

14:32

get testy with like an Uber driver or a

14:34

hymnette. It's funny because he drives in LA and

14:36

I have like a thing about I'm going

14:38

to do the Ubers because every time in Vegas

14:41

that he even ordered an Uber wrong pin drop.

14:43

And it was like we were waiting on

14:45

a fucking car too long. So I'm just like,

14:47

I got it. But to me, I mean,

14:49

again, I think In relationships, I think what's important

14:51

is self -awareness, and I think a lot of

14:53

people lack it. I am being very open

14:55

with what I can deal

14:57

with and what I can't. But I think

14:59

you don't know. No, I'm telling you.

15:01

No, you don't know with this person. That's

15:04

unfair. It's not unfair. It's me as

15:06

a person. It's with my ex. It's with

15:08

my best friends. It's with my family.

15:10

It's with work. And I think

15:12

that's another thing. Like, damn, I'm

15:14

saying what I know about myself, and

15:16

people are like, well, maybe you don't. I

15:18

think it just lacks. Compromise seriously. I

15:20

think if someone so if the shoe was

15:22

on the other foot to know that someone

15:24

couldn't try for you I think four days in

15:26

Europe I get what you mean We have the

15:28

means to bounce around and do what we want

15:30

to do But like not everybody bounces back like

15:33

that like jet lag time spent like maybe he

15:35

wants to show you more of what he's seen

15:37

like I think it's perfectly normal and okay To say

15:39

can I get another day or two out of

15:41

you and you could learn how to recharge if

15:43

it's a hard no for you It's a hard

15:45

no for you, but I think being that you

15:47

have someone that you know really cares about you

15:49

I think he'd be more than willing to help

15:51

you find that space like and be open to

15:53

it like if you really need the recharge because

15:55

there has to be at some point you learn

15:57

to recharge while around a

15:59

partner Like I think that does have

16:01

to exist. What is that cool down look

16:04

like for you? Let's take a four days

16:06

happen and this amongst your partner or like

16:08

your friends us Let's say like four days

16:10

happened. How do you cool down? And when

16:12

do you know you're ready to see your

16:14

partner again? I I literally I'm

16:16

home the whole day. Yeah, like

16:18

soaking I take my nap like it's

16:20

funny cuz he knows my routine like

16:22

when I'm home I have a three

16:24

o 'clock nap. I like having on

16:27

my paws I like if I want

16:29

to turn on a TV I turn

16:31

it on sometimes I clean like it's

16:33

a literal shutdown from Everyone

16:35

like I might be on the phone

16:37

till maybe 10 a .m. Cuz I'm like a 7 a

16:39

.m. Riser And

16:41

that's it. I'm literally away

16:43

from crowds and people.

16:46

And I think it's gotten

16:48

worse because of the capacity

16:50

of us even touring, the live

16:52

shows, the constant dealing with

16:54

multiple teams. We're in

16:56

Slack. I have Slack for two other businesses. It's

16:59

a constant thing to where I literally,

17:01

in order for me to show up as

17:03

my best self, it's something that I

17:05

need. To

17:08

me we'll work around it, but that's something

17:10

that I need and I don't want

17:12

to get to a place where I resent

17:15

somebody Over -compromise or being forced to do

17:17

something that I don't want to and

17:19

I think that Already dealing with the long

17:21

distance and us finding ways to compromise

17:23

with each other We are like I even

17:25

told him like moody shit. I don't

17:27

really like so I said hey babe if

17:29

you realize you in a mood

17:32

we cannot do it like I did it when

17:34

like he has a lot going on with work

17:36

and so even before he came to Denver

17:38

I was like if you're in a mood and

17:40

you're not in the best space I'd rather you

17:42

not come to Denver like I'm also

17:44

very particular with when we

17:46

finally get to see each other

17:48

that we have this amazing time together

17:50

that all of the outside noise

17:52

doesn't bother us enjoying each other and

17:55

I guess that's also my view

17:57

on partnership like I'm looking at our

17:59

partnership and relationship as being able to

18:01

exhibit and live life together

18:03

and make memories together. But it's

18:05

also I'm not looking to cohabitate.

18:07

I'm not looking for marriage. I'm

18:09

not looking for kids. And so

18:11

all of those stressors don't exist. We should

18:13

be able to like really, you

18:16

know, just enjoy each other. I get

18:18

to do that with my friends. I really want to be

18:20

able to do that with my partner. Lizzie, where

18:22

do you feel like you're living my behavior first?

18:24

Let's say if we were to like try to calculate

18:26

it. both the cool down and like, let's say

18:28

after. My limit is actually only social spaces

18:30

with people I'm not comfortable with. Time

18:33

wise, though, like, let's say she gave us four

18:35

days. No, she said she could be. Oh, no, I couldn't be

18:37

with my partner every day. Give me. There has to be a

18:39

limit. There's no way

18:41

dog. I'm sorry. OK,

18:44

so even though I know you're like, let me

18:46

do it. But still not some real shit, like I'm

18:48

very comfortable with him. You have to remember

18:50

also, I lived with someone before when I was

18:52

in Mexico living with Obey, like. Of

18:55

course he's a piece of shit, but I wasn't.

18:57

I know how to live with someone and not

18:59

and have my own space. I've never lived in

19:01

a one bedroom with someone. I've never had a

19:03

roommate. We're at enough space. So

19:06

I'm pretty good with that. I

19:08

was actually thinking of something when

19:10

you were talking because my

19:13

partner also told me he's never spent this much time

19:15

with someone. He's like, I really thought I

19:17

needed my alone time, but we kind of know what

19:19

to do with each other to recharge. He

19:21

said, I was in

19:23

a really bad mood, and don't get me wrong,

19:25

we understand when space happens, but I was upset

19:27

about something, and he wanted to comfort me, and we

19:30

had plans. And he said,

19:32

listen, if we were living together

19:34

already, what would you want me to do? Go

19:36

out, sit outside? You want me to go

19:38

stuff myself in the second bedroom? You

19:40

need to learn how to be around me. I don't

19:42

give a fuck. Like you're sitting here screaming, calling me

19:44

because you need me, but you don't want me to

19:46

see you like this. I'm gonna see you and show

19:48

up for you. You need some space when we're in

19:50

the house? Fine, I'll take Nina, whatever, but. I'm

19:52

gonna see you in every emotion. We

19:54

talk about marriage and being together for the

19:57

future, like, and you don't want me to

19:59

see you like this. That was it. I

20:01

was like, I can't have you see me like this. And he

20:03

was like, oh no, like, this is, this is

20:05

what life is. This is what my partnership

20:07

and my, me giving myself to you is.

20:09

Which is the opposite of me. So I

20:11

think - But I think no one's wrong.

20:13

No, no, no, I'm not saying you're wrong

20:15

at all. This is where - love that we

20:17

are different. We exist with partners that are

20:19

different or may want different things. I do

20:21

want to build on that conversation for a

20:23

second. Yeah. What's interesting about what happened was

20:25

I for a moment thought

20:28

what he was doing was wrong. And

20:30

what I realized is that

20:32

that was a big step for

20:35

me because I was feeling

20:37

really down, really bad. And

20:39

I hadn't gotten that vulnerable

20:41

yet. What I was feeling

20:44

was I can never let him

20:46

see me like this because he thinks of me a certain way. So

20:48

it wasn't like just a bad day, like I need

20:50

to be by myself tonight, babe. It was like

20:52

I'm really hurting. I think

20:55

in my past relationships, I

20:58

have only came to partners when I

21:00

need them. I haven't let them shown

21:02

up for me in those moments. And

21:04

I realized that's something that makes him feel

21:08

like we are closer and

21:10

connected, knowing that we can support each other because

21:12

he wants it from me. if he

21:14

needs me. So it's weird because

21:16

in one way, I've definitely

21:18

seen it as like, this face is good,

21:20

but I also can see the other side

21:22

of, hey, we have to know

21:24

every facet. And it's

21:26

crazy because Brianda and

21:28

I go back and forth about this a lot. She's

21:30

who I've talked a lot about this relationship with. I guess

21:33

she's seen it the most hands on. And

21:35

she's like, damn, I don't know if

21:37

I ever want to be as in love with someone as the

21:39

two of you are, because I

21:41

would never let my man know I was hurting like

21:43

this. I would never let him know I was

21:45

feeling ugly or fat or just making shit up right

21:47

now. Feeling fat, feeling down about myself. I don't

21:50

know if I would ever let a man see that.

21:52

And I'm like, I can't believe I did let a

21:54

man see that. On the contrary, we had

21:56

this conversation in front of him and he was like, I

21:59

wouldn't be with a woman if

22:01

I couldn't understand her completely and

22:03

fully. I would hate for her to have

22:05

these dark thoughts about herself or something

22:07

that's going on and I can't see it

22:10

for you. Who am I to you

22:12

then? Is there another friend that's doing this? Is there

22:14

a place I can't meet? Like, how

22:16

is it possible that you're hurting this

22:18

bad if I'm the closest person to you

22:20

and I can't help you? And we talked

22:22

a lot about that because when No Holds

22:24

Barred, I was writing it, the depression chapter

22:26

set in. And he's like, have you ever

22:28

been depressed with Obey? He said his name. I

22:31

was like a little bit. And he's like, he couldn't see

22:33

it or read it. And how is it

22:35

that you thought you were in love with someone

22:37

and you couldn't open up to them like, I'm

22:39

hurting. I feel like this. He's like, you're telling

22:41

me you ran in the car to get on

22:43

the phone with a therapist and had a man

22:45

with you that loves you and you didn't say

22:47

it out loud. And you know what's

22:49

crazy? That showed

22:51

me I may not have been that

22:54

in love because I

22:56

could tell a friend easy when

22:58

I need some help. But for some

23:00

reason, in romantic relationships, that

23:02

vulnerability looks different. It's

23:04

weird. I even on the

23:06

opposite sense of that. Had

23:10

the conversation I think we

23:12

actually had this conversation on

23:14

the podcast like I would

23:16

go to Crystal or ish

23:18

or Carla or my therapist

23:20

with things I have zero

23:22

expectations of my partner being

23:24

somebody to See feel hear

23:26

everything that I'm going through I

23:28

don't put that emphasis on

23:30

a romantic partner to be

23:32

someone to be able to Like

23:34

receive or or take in all of

23:37

my feelings of everything that I'm doing.

23:39

I think, literally, I'll text my therapist

23:41

and be like, oh, shit, something's bothering

23:43

me. And it's something that I may

23:45

never even tell my partner, because he's

23:47

not a podcaster. We even talk about

23:49

how we're in completely different industries. I

23:51

think that where I'm at, and

23:54

maybe I'm leaning more towards this

23:56

poly way of

23:59

thinking, I have

24:01

zero desire for my partner

24:03

to feel or have

24:05

the expect or the expectations

24:08

of taking me on

24:10

fully with every feeling, every

24:13

issue in my life, every element of

24:15

my life. Because again, he's my romantic

24:17

partner. How we exist is so different

24:19

than my relationship with my therapist, than my

24:21

relationship with my mom, than my relationship

24:23

with Crystal and all of my other best

24:25

friends. I think we do need to

24:27

obviously still keep your friendships and shit. I

24:31

think in this particular conversation I'm having,

24:33

it's more so. the

24:35

vulnerability. It's not like,

24:37

tell me everything, but I

24:39

need to know when you're going through it and

24:41

when there's pain there because I haven't done

24:43

that before. Like, I

24:46

did not like to show my worst

24:48

self in a relationship because I never

24:50

felt like it would be conducive to

24:52

how they view me. Kind of like me

24:54

looking raggedy. Like, I don't want you to

24:56

see me looking raggedy, but maybe you know

24:58

what exists without makeup, whatever it might be. I

25:01

think like, That was a

25:03

very interesting turning point in learning that I'm with

25:05

someone that wants to be with me for the

25:07

long haul because you're caring in a different way.

25:10

I also understand because

25:12

if I found out my partner

25:14

was able to come to other people

25:16

about things that they couldn't come to with

25:18

me, not work issues like a podcast thing,

25:20

something that was deep and serious to them,

25:22

that would hurt. I don't know if that

25:25

would hurt me. I think that's

25:27

the crazy thing. Me and him are

25:29

having these conversations a lot. about

25:31

what it looks like, like he

25:33

has a female best friend. We

25:35

actually just had this conversation recently and

25:37

he was like, I kind

25:39

of feel like you're not as invested or don't

25:41

care, like I'm having to try to see what would

25:43

you not allow? Like,

25:45

because just with

25:48

anything, like - What's she

25:50

look like? His best

25:52

friend is gorgeous, doesn't bother me. Ooh!

25:55

I have a lot of, I have a

25:57

lot of male best friends and what

25:59

I'm realizing is, he has the

26:01

confusion with my response to a

26:03

lot of things. And he's

26:05

like, oh my God, like I went to

26:07

my best friend's play, then dropped her best

26:09

friend off at home and met her family

26:11

and we all hung out and ate dinner

26:13

before the play. And he was like, you

26:17

asked me how the play was. You asked me how

26:19

the dinner was. And

26:21

that's it. He's like, I counted if

26:23

I shared that same story with any

26:25

of my exes, I would have

26:27

all hell would have broke loose because

26:29

what do you mean you? Dropped

26:31

off another woman home. What do you

26:33

mean you met your female best

26:35

friend? He was like I actually wasn't allowed

26:37

to have my best friend around in

26:39

my last relationship Wow, because she was a

26:41

woman and so he's like I had

26:43

this conversation with my mom trying to figure

26:45

out what the line is because You don't

26:47

show up with jealousy and rage and arguments

26:50

over things that in my past relationships with

26:52

him too Well, but the thing I and

26:54

I told him I said there's no way

26:56

I would show up that way because when

26:58

I'm out with Keith or I'm on the

27:00

phone with Ish or I'm like literally my

27:02

homeboy Si came over my house the other

27:04

day for game night. I said babe I'm

27:06

around a lot of men. I said there's

27:08

no way I could show up that way

27:10

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27:12

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this way that the problem with

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all of those other ones

28:56

is they're deriving ethics or

28:58

deriving our... Recognition

29:02

26th at the Pullman Yards in Atlanta,

29:04

Georgia. Mandy is so excited to be

29:06

in her hometown now. I'm just excited

29:08

to come back because it is my

29:10

favorite festival. We're going to be seeing

29:12

Carrie Champion, Good Moms Bad Choices,

29:14

Sarah Jakes Roberts. We're going to see Tank.

29:16

Oh, sorry. I'm being money, but Tank.

29:18

and trap nerds. And as you know, the

29:20

Black Effect Festival also has panels, ways

29:22

to network, and things to learn, and things

29:24

to learn. And look at that. look

29:27

at that. They do. They got everything. They

29:29

got everything. But they also have us.

29:31

So we'll be hosting, keeping you entertained the

29:33

entire time. Weezy, where can they get

29:35

tickets? You can get your tickets at

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blackeffect.com forward slash podcast festival. That's right.

29:39

We can't wait to see you there.

29:43

Wolf, just because you're hodetubby. So.

29:47

My partner has told me this is the first

29:50

time he's ever been around a woman that's

29:52

had so many men around. And now, you know,

29:54

my homeboys are his Alex, Andre, whatever. Even

29:56

my gay male friends, right? I'm

30:00

bringing this up because when

30:02

Bree found out my

30:04

male friends were hanging or maybe one needed to stay over

30:06

because I have a two bedroom in New York, she's

30:09

like, there should be

30:11

no male female friendship. Like the fuck?

30:13

That's way too close. Do you

30:15

think? A woman having close male friends

30:17

is something you could deal with or

30:19

something that's respectful to a long -term

30:21

relationship. Hey,

30:23

Ed, and you're on camera. Are you not on camera

30:25

because you laughing? Oh, you ain't on

30:27

camera. That's why you laughing. Okay. Because we have

30:29

different male friendships and pretty much running our shit

30:31

the same. I want to

30:33

know what you think. It got

30:35

to be like absolutely no chance humanly

30:37

possible that there's like some intimacy or

30:39

like thoughts about each other. It got

30:41

to be a hundred percent. How do

30:44

you ever know that, though? And see, this is the

30:46

conversation. And Eddyn's pointing at me, because my man

30:48

is like, all them niggas want to fuck you, I

30:50

believe. I don't believe no man, it wouldn't take

30:52

it. If you want to suck their dick, if you

30:54

want to fuck them, it would. They're not your

30:56

brother. my best friend's point of view. Usually the cave.

30:58

It's going to take some interrogation, you know I mean? It's going

31:00

to some... Not interrogation. You interrogating the

31:02

male friend? Interrogating everything. Asking her, what

31:04

have y 'all been through? What type

31:06

of... Have y 'all slept in the same bed? Like, certain things

31:08

are like good cues to be like, hmm, there's something going

31:10

on right here. Like, y 'all sleeping in the same

31:12

bed once before? That's a red flag for me. sleeping

31:15

in the same bed together, but if there

31:17

was no sex, nigga, maybe we

31:19

had a king bed. I think it's cuddle before

31:22

some shit like that. Cuddling is different than

31:24

just laying in the bed. Alex and I had to

31:26

share a bed, and it was awful. We were in Soho,

31:28

Israel, they had no two beds, and he was like, I'ma

31:31

get the pillow, good bitch, I know, count what you

31:33

want me to do. But I remember it being weird,

31:35

and I was single at the time, and

31:37

I remember when he called his girl, I was

31:39

like, I can't believe he hit this bitch

31:41

nose on right here. Like, is he insane?

31:44

And she's very secure. Because it wouldn't

31:46

be me. I don't like that. You ain't about to sit

31:48

up in the motherfucking bed with your female best friend.

31:50

Are you high, nigga? That's interesting. What

31:52

a contrast. No, I think

31:54

there needs to be boundaries. Number

31:56

one. Oh, for sure. My partner told

31:58

me when we first met, like, what the fuck are

32:00

you going to dinner with niggas for? What? I

32:03

go to dinners. I was just at the house. I

32:05

like, I'm so confused. I thought this was normal. Now,

32:07

I see. Now, I

32:09

think what's happened now is he's just like.

32:12

Maybe because he has a relationship with these

32:14

men, but also I'm bouncing around different cities

32:16

I'm catching my homeboys wherever like we're

32:18

talking about work. Whatever I get it, but

32:20

he's like How the fuck would

32:22

you feel about me taking a bitch my

32:24

boyfriend FaceTime me he went over his best

32:26

friend's house and she was cooking She was cooking a lot

32:28

of food and he went over and her

32:30

homegirls was there and I'm on FaceTime

32:32

He's good. That's his best friend I

32:36

have male best friends. So I

32:38

used to cook for people. I

32:40

used to cook for Alex when

32:42

we were both single. I'm gonna

32:44

be honest, this is someone I own a business with and

32:46

I've been friends with a long time. I

32:49

can understand if I was

32:51

making a meal for Alex, how

32:53

that would make my partner feel. Right

32:55

now. Yes, now. In

32:58

his mind, Alex and

33:00

I are always gonna talk about work when we're around each other now.

33:02

It's just turned into that. But I'm trying

33:04

to think what if it was Andre now I feel like

33:06

hypocritical cuz I'm like I do think it's

33:08

kind of great Why are if Andre cuz

33:10

I and Andre the close male friend I

33:12

have that I don't have networking or work

33:14

relationships, right? Andre comes over just for me

33:16

to cook for him Now

33:19

but y 'all close though. I know and see

33:21

that's different. That's what I'm saying Okay, see this

33:23

is the thing if a stranger cooked if my

33:25

girl cooked to cook cook the meal for another dude

33:27

I don't really know like that I'm like what

33:29

the fuck it is like one of her bestest friends.

33:31

I'm like, okay cool It's not a big deal Now,

33:34

my girl, I could only

33:36

imagine if someone cooked a meal for me, in

33:39

either sense, I could see them. But can

33:41

you see her gray going over a man's house?

33:43

It is a double standard. fucking have a homemade

33:45

meal? Yeah, my man did. And I

33:47

was like, OK, babe, good, because your cooking

33:49

looks like dog food. I hope you get fed

33:51

well. Let me tell you what I think

33:53

is the thing. The only thing, and this is

33:55

fucked up, I really believe this. And I'm

33:57

lucky that in these two male relationships, it's not

33:59

the case. However, it was the

34:02

case in other ones. It's never

34:04

happened to me with Al or

34:06

Andre. But there's always one

34:08

that if something was a little different, they

34:10

would do it. So the question is, are

34:12

you allowed to cook for another person? No, no, no.

34:14

Do you all believe that in a male and

34:17

female dynamic, there's always one who feels

34:19

like... I mean, I'm not gonna lie.

34:21

Me and him just... It's funny because

34:23

where I don't exhibit jealousy at all,

34:25

he kind of does. I was telling

34:27

him a story about... I'm not gonna

34:29

say which person, but someone Um

34:31

in a sex club has made

34:33

me squirt before right and I was

34:36

just at a sex club in

34:38

in Atlanta And they were there

34:40

and my home girl got to

34:42

experience the magical fingers And so

34:44

I'm telling him so you can't say

34:46

magical magical fingers when you would lay out

34:48

if I was your man Hearing this

34:50

and I just heard my girl talking about

34:52

magical fingers sperm making my growth

34:54

Anyway, anyway, what's crazy is

34:56

so I'm telling him that

34:58

you know And

35:01

he was like, we're going to put a

35:03

pin in this because I feel away. What

35:05

do you mean? You were just in the room

35:07

with someone who had fingered you before? And

35:09

I was like, yeah. The optics

35:11

are tough. And I said, and when

35:13

he fingered me, nigga, it was

35:16

with and with the

35:18

permission of my ex -boyfriend in

35:20

a sex club. In your relationship

35:22

today, as it stands, can

35:24

you get think could you have gotten fingered by him? Oh,

35:26

I'm not going to lie. And maybe 'all are here more

35:28

of it on Patreon. I literally

35:30

went out the other night and

35:32

literally text them some joint. Babe,

35:35

what's our boundaries again? Because I want to

35:37

eat pussy tonight. And I literally fucked

35:39

someone. No, no, no, no, not women. And

35:41

well, no, no, no, right now it's just

35:43

women. OK. He's even said, babe, if we

35:45

have so much time apart and you have

35:47

the urge, I would want you to share

35:49

with me that urge to see a man

35:51

because I'll probably try to book the next

35:53

flight out. But if we're in a space

35:55

where like he's looking at a role right

35:57

now that might take him to Europe. For

36:00

months and I get

36:03

to Europe because maybe we're on tour I

36:05

let him know we'll have that conversation But

36:08

you could have sex and baby if I'm

36:10

in the need I'm gonna need some too

36:12

Do you think he has the same sexual

36:14

appetite of like wanting to fuck other people?

36:17

No, he's told me he doesn't

36:19

Okay, that's on him. I

36:22

Like women like that. I like women which is why

36:24

like I I did I I hit him up

36:26

and was like, babe, I really want to like be

36:28

with a woman tonight. But right now he doesn't

36:31

want you to have sex with other men. No,

36:33

no, no, no, no. But

36:35

I don't need to. Like even the

36:37

way he's like the flowers. You

36:40

need to have sex with other women either. I just want to say that. Well,

36:42

no, he ain't got a pussy. So

36:44

it's completely different. Like sex and intimacy

36:46

with a woman is way different than

36:48

a man, which is why I've said

36:50

we are non monogamous. And an element

36:52

of that is because when and if

36:55

I have the desire to be with

36:57

a woman, I don't want that

36:59

caged away. We just love that shit, though.

37:01

But I think the real test comes when

37:03

it's man. of it. No, they also love

37:05

it when they can be a part of

37:07

it. Mind you, I

37:09

also... So he asked me

37:11

about the... Like, so baby, did

37:13

you get pussy last night? I said, yeah. He

37:15

was like, oh, tell me about her. I

37:18

said it was my friend. And me and

37:20

her just went and got food the other night. And

37:22

so even him, he's

37:24

like... she was really touchy on you, but

37:26

I'm like, nigga, you know, that's my friend. He's

37:29

having to get used to the fact that, well, I've

37:31

fucked quite a bit of my friends. Like he's about

37:33

to meet one in LA. Babe, we've

37:35

had sex before. And so now he's like, I

37:38

want to know who you've had

37:40

sex with before, even if I meet them. And I

37:42

said, okay. Oh, I think that's a good role. Yeah, I

37:44

think that's fine. Girl, we just went out to some,

37:46

I'm a piano party at Ludlow House. And

37:48

I'm like, it was so

37:50

funny. I was like, Damn, that girl looks so

37:53

cute and familiar. I thought she was like an influencer. So

37:55

he's looking embarrassed. And I'm

37:58

like, what's wrong? Oh, is that the bitch who fucking left that

38:00

one time? And then a second

38:02

later, I'm like, ooh, I went out with that nigga. And

38:04

he's like, who the fuck are we, bro? We just

38:06

think we can't go nowhere. And I

38:08

love having that, but I will

38:10

say, I like knowing. I

38:13

don't want to be around no bitch. I'm saying what's up to

38:15

because I'm a cool ass bitch, bro. You tell me you was

38:17

fucking a bitch. Last week when I was

38:19

out of town, as long as I know,

38:22

I'm okay. I'm very, very comfortable. The sneakiness

38:24

is what I can't do, knowing

38:26

that I could be around somebody that you're

38:29

holding this from. Wait,

38:31

so you... I don't know.

38:33

Maybe I'll just... Once a good time to tell

38:35

your said About this by

38:37

the way, what do you mean if we're in a space? Let's

38:39

just say we go out to a restaurant bar Do I tell

38:41

them because I've had scenarios like this before where

38:43

you brought it before too? Oh, yeah, okay Yeah,

38:45

so I've had a partner and then she was

38:48

around on their girl that yeah, you don't let

38:50

me work with the bitch all the way And

38:52

then so okay, so okay, so I got to

38:54

do it there. Yes. Ah Oh,

38:56

you should have seen the way me and

38:58

me and my boyfriend just been telling stories.

39:01

And I brought up somebody and he

39:03

was like, ah, that's a relationship with

39:05

that person. So then he brings someone

39:07

else up. And I had to be

39:09

like, ah, you remember how you

39:11

were weird about me? Because they were celebrities. So

39:13

I was like, ah, you want to

39:15

know how it was weird. I brought up that girl. Oh,

39:19

I'm a Jason too. Oh, yeah. That guy

39:22

that you just mentioned. We kind of fucked. And

39:24

it's so funny because he was like, I'm actually

39:26

kind of shocked. of fucked. I mean, we kind

39:28

of fucked. I kind of let him put it

39:30

in. Yeah, we kind of fucked. It was only

39:32

like a two time thing. And here he goes

39:34

because, you know, he was like, would you really

39:36

do something? you

39:38

want to know if you were in the same space

39:40

or would you want to know later? do you mean in

39:42

the same space? Like, when do you want find that

39:44

out? You're going to one of his work events. Yeah. Let's

39:46

say there's a colleague he slept with or a woman

39:48

that's in the field, whatever. Would you want

39:50

to know if you guys are around her all night, or would

39:53

you want to know later? Do you have a boundary with that

39:55

that you know yet? Let me know. And I

39:57

don't think it changes anything. No, I'm

39:59

saying, Mandy, but when would you feel weird if he

40:01

told you the next day? What if he told you next

40:03

week? I was there three it. I mean, it depends if

40:05

we are talking to each other. If it's a woman who's

40:07

just in the room that I don't have a connection with.

40:09

He would have never maybe known. if she comes up and,

40:12

you know, I'm introduced to

40:14

her. at that moment when she leaves us,

40:16

maybe tell me, because now I've been... So

40:18

you want to know in the play? Only if

40:20

we've interacted. Yeah, that's the point. If she's

40:22

just in the room... So maybe you don't have to

40:24

point out everybody that you've fucked in the room.

40:26

If I... Like, I might not have even seen...

40:28

There shouldn't be that many people in the room,

40:30

but I will say, I've never seen him ignore

40:32

someone he's slept with. Generally speaking, he'll tell me,

40:34

oh, that girl over there, and he'll always say

40:36

hello. Oh, I ain't gonna hold you. Or introduce

40:39

her. My whole nigga's. Hey, if you see me

40:41

with a nigga, do not come up and speak

40:43

to me. Okay, do not

40:45

disrespect. We are not together if I

40:47

am with another nigga I'm not gonna

40:49

lie I think it's petty this is

40:51

disrespectful what if we fucked before and

40:53

I'm outside with another nigga Do not text

40:55

me DM me or I mean yeah, that's

40:57

weird. Thanks me say you saw me in a

40:59

room. Okay, that's kind of like out of

41:02

here That's weird. What's weird like

41:04

the dude texting her?

41:06

I saw you, but I've seen you. I thought you were

41:08

like, I can't say hello. No, no, no. Even I was in

41:10

Nobu. Let's say hello. I was in

41:12

Nobu before I got with my boyfriend. Wait,

41:14

you're saying don't say hello? No, don't say

41:16

hello. I don't. I don't. Say hello. Fuck

41:18

no. Why? You want to know

41:20

if you were across the room and you see

41:22

me on a date or with somebody, and all

41:24

we did was fuck. Let's be very clear. Y 'all

41:26

know a bitch only got one Oh, okay, never mind.

41:28

That's different from an event. just a nigga, I fucked. And

41:31

you see me out with another nigga, do

41:33

not make yourself be known. Do not come

41:35

and say hi. Keep your ass across the

41:37

room. I mean, if I see you, I

41:39

to see you. You got me fucked up.

41:42

There is no reason if all we did

41:44

was fuck, which, again, y 'all know, I

41:46

got one ex. Everybody else, situationships, fuck boys.

41:49

Do not come and speak to me while I'm on a

41:51

date with another thing. to say nothing, so nothing. If I

41:53

see a man from across the room that I

41:55

slept with who is clearly out

41:57

with another woman, not

41:59

making my way to go out and say hi. I mean,

42:01

I'm gonna go say hi. No, no, no.

42:03

I'm not gonna. I'm saying don't get in

42:05

close proximity like at the bar or I'm

42:07

not gonna nuts. I'd be like, head

42:10

down. No, no, no. That's why

42:12

I distinctively said we are

42:14

across the room. There's

42:16

no reason for you to make your way to come say

42:18

hi. So I guess I wouldn't do this. I have

42:20

a thing of I'm pretty OK with coexisting with

42:23

people I fucked. Oh, me too. We

42:25

can coexist if I am there with another man. Do

42:28

not come in and introduce yourself

42:30

question. So you guys are two

42:32

completely different personalities clearly What would be the

42:34

how do I say it to you?

42:36

Right? We're in the I'm in the vicinity

42:38

of a woman that I've fornicated with

42:40

and I'm with you right now. Baby that girl

42:42

in the red. I fucked her That

42:45

sounds a little too easy, and I don't want to

42:47

fall into that trap. Well,

42:49

to me, it depends your expectations. If you've

42:51

already had the previous conversation, literally bring up,

42:53

babe, you remember how we said if we

42:55

were in a space, you would want to

42:57

know if I had sex with anyone in

42:59

the room? Well, the girl over there. It

43:01

was years ago. You don't have to worry about it. We don't even

43:03

talk to anyone. I just want to tell you. Well,

43:06

it wouldn't have been last week. You're

43:08

in a relationship. You've discussed these boundaries,

43:10

right? Then it becomes that. But again, You've

43:14

had the conversation so you preface it

43:16

with the same way I did Babe, what

43:18

was our boundary again about women you want to

43:20

know before or after that's literally what I text them

43:22

while I was out And he was like baby

43:24

you about to and I said yeah I really want

43:27

some tonight and I told him about it the

43:29

next day This might sound high schoolish, but now

43:31

what if you didn't fuck her? What if you

43:33

made out with her before made out date you

43:35

could say we dated I mean that's a

43:37

loose term now I still had those warnings. There

43:39

was a DJ that I really wanted to

43:41

go see and he was like Just letting you know

43:43

about a finger pop and some shit and all that.

43:45

Oh my lord. So then I'm not buying tickets, you

43:47

get them. Oh, that's crazy. That bitch is

43:49

fire. I don't give a fuck. We still go.

43:56

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43:58

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44:00

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44:02

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44:06

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44:09

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Save $80 at talkspace.com. So is

44:59

it this way that the problem with

45:01

all of those other ones

45:03

is they're deriving ethics or

45:05

deriving our... Recognition

45:21

Good Moms Bad Choices, Sarah Jakes Roberts.

45:23

We're going to see Tank. Oh, sorry,

45:25

R &B Money But Tank. And trap nerds.

45:27

And as you know, the Black Effect

45:29

Festival also has panels, ways to network, and

45:31

things to learn, and things to learn.

45:33

And look at that. look at that. They

45:35

do. They got everything. They got everything.

45:37

But they also have us. So we'll be

45:39

hosting, keeping you entertained the entire time.

45:41

Weezy, where can they get tickets? You can

45:43

get your tickets at blackeffect.com forward slash

45:45

podcast festival. That's right. We can't wait to

45:47

see you there. I

45:51

don't know. I feel

45:53

it's like this, right? I'm

45:56

speaking from a slight place of privilege

45:58

in this moment because of

46:00

the status of my relationship. However,

46:03

I've definitely been in scenarios where I wasn't

46:05

in a committed relationship. I was just dating

46:07

and I felt like not as secure.

46:10

When someone makes you feel secure, it's

46:12

easy to feel easy breezy about other

46:14

women. Men make women feel invalidated a

46:16

lot of the time about their place

46:18

in their life or whatever. or just

46:20

feeling like their eyes are on other

46:22

women, whatever the case may be. So

46:24

it does take a lot of confidence

46:26

to get there, so I don't know

46:28

if everyone can feel that in this

46:30

particular moment who's listening if it happens. But

46:33

what I would say, definitely talking about respect and

46:35

how you'll be treated in those spaces, that's happened

46:37

to me a lot. I've always thought to myself,

46:39

oh my God, what if we're at a show

46:41

and this nigga fucked one of the people

46:43

in the audience, right? How would

46:45

that make me feel? What do we do? How do

46:47

we carry it on? Especially being that he's fucked

46:49

women I'm fans of. That's kind of

46:51

weird, but also at the same time, it's not.

46:53

You guys are hot people. Of course you fucked

46:55

some model bitches out here. Duh! So

46:58

I think it's really just like, how will we

47:00

conduct ourselves in these spaces? What will we do? It's

47:03

also not the conducting

47:05

in space. I think

47:07

what I'm realizing with

47:09

my partner now is

47:11

the unhealthy level

47:13

of toxicity that exists in

47:15

relationships in terms of oh You

47:17

only think I care if I

47:19

showcase jealousy you only think I care

47:22

if I'm arguing with you about

47:24

this and that like the fact that

47:26

he's like Babe, you don't

47:28

get mad at me when I'm doing things that

47:30

other women have got mad about and I'm

47:32

like, babe You have to realize like that

47:34

those were women

47:36

who led with their insecurity or brought

47:38

their traumas into a relationship that

47:40

just because I'm not getting upset. Doesn't

47:42

mean I care less for you.

47:44

That's not true. If a woman is

47:46

upset about him eating at his

47:48

best friend's house, that doesn't mean she's

47:51

insecure. Well, to me, if it's

47:53

a woman, it could be a trauma

47:55

because maybe an ex fucked their,

47:57

you know, his last friend. Yeah, but

47:59

you can have a without being

48:01

insecure. To me, though, the

48:03

element of platonic friendships being

48:05

a quote -unquote boundary for people,

48:07

I do think that that

48:09

is a... and insecure treat

48:11

that people should people are

48:13

allowed to have We are

48:16

so far on the none like

48:18

ethical non -monogamy scale. I think

48:20

we forget Normal possible

48:22

regular boundaries for some but I

48:24

think a lot of normal

48:26

need to be learned no, they

48:28

don't people can have boundaries and

48:30

they're not Labeled as

48:32

insecure for example, you know your

48:34

person has a platonic friend cool. Maybe

48:36

the boundaries being in the home Maybe you

48:38

just don't want your man going to

48:40

that woman's home and her coming into his.

48:42

That's totally fine as a boundary. I

48:45

don't have that one in neither do you,

48:47

but that doesn't make someone insecure because

48:49

they have that boundary. The levels of respect

48:51

that people have for each other or

48:53

want for themselves doesn't make them insecure because

48:55

I want my man and I to

48:57

talk openly about sex or right now we're

48:59

monogamish. That doesn't make me

49:01

insecure. I think insecure is one of

49:03

the words that have such a

49:05

negative connotation that there's insecurities we all

49:07

hold. If the insecurity is because

49:09

this person is of the opposite sex,

49:12

where is that stemming from that you

49:14

have no problem with him going

49:16

over his boy's house? I think when

49:18

I bring up the insecurity, it

49:20

is the lack of trust and the

49:22

inability to view what let me

49:24

finish because if the only difference is

49:26

this person can't do this with a

49:29

female friend, but he can do it with a male

49:31

friend, there's an insecurity or lack

49:33

of trust. I'll use that since there's

49:35

such a stigma around the word

49:37

insecure. But I think that when we act

49:39

as though people

49:42

of opposite genders can't hold these platonic

49:44

relationships, or you don't trust your

49:46

partner to not slide, or the woman

49:48

to slide. If they can do

49:50

something with their male friends that they're not allowed to

49:52

do with their female friends, I say,

49:54

and this is my opinion alone, again, everyone

49:57

has one, an opinion and an asshole. You

49:59

could disagree with me here, but I'm not wrong.

50:01

You're not wrong. I believe and I

50:03

perceive it to be an insecurity if the

50:05

boundaries are only associated to friends of

50:07

the opposite sex. So then since you

50:09

considered a lack of trust, can he

50:11

sleep over then? Can he go

50:13

on vacation with her? No, no, no. Because

50:15

to your point, if going

50:17

in the home is the insecurity

50:19

boundary, then where do you draw

50:21

a line? Because if you have none,

50:24

then you have none. But I actually think

50:26

that's really unfair to say because Yes,

50:29

there needs to be boundaries relationship. I agree with

50:31

boundaries in a relationship. I agree

50:33

with that. I'm not just agreeing with that

50:35

part. But how come a boundary for what

50:37

I want within a platonic friendship is me lacking

50:40

trust in you or being insecure?

50:42

That's a boundary. A boundary is not

50:44

an insecurity. No, there's not. But

50:47

again, when you're in a romantic relationship,

50:49

you also, and everything is customizable.

50:52

So boundaries don't

50:54

necessarily... aren't necessarily an umbrella

50:56

over a friendship or relationship. What would your

50:58

line be? What is he not allowed

51:00

to do with his platonic friend? Oh, go

51:03

on an international trip with just him. Why?

51:05

I've done that with Andre and we were friends. So

51:08

did you do that? Did you do that while you were in a relationship?

51:10

I went to South Africa with him and his own boy. So

51:12

that's a group setting. We literally just

51:14

had a conversation. No, a group setting to

51:16

me is fine. If someone else will be

51:18

there, we literally just had this conversation. He's

51:20

like, babe, if my best friend, I won't

51:22

say her name, Wanted me to

51:24

join her in an Antigua because you're going

51:27

to dreamville Could I do it? I said well

51:29

who else is gonna be there? I said

51:31

if it's a group thing if it's a birthday

51:33

trip if her if her friends are gonna

51:35

be there go So they go to Miami, but they

51:37

can't go to Antigua like no it's literally an international

51:39

trip But that's something so they can go to Miami

51:41

together like we're all walking the carpet together with him

51:43

and I like a boundary would be like No, she

51:45

can't walk the carpet with you because I'm there and

51:48

I don't want to be there together I

51:50

think you haven't been put in the place

51:52

yet to feel uncomfortable, but You are

51:54

really expressing boundaries. No,

51:56

but I think it's customizable. Right,

51:59

but what you're saying

52:01

could be an insecurity then to your point.

52:03

You have a lack of trust international. No,

52:06

it's just something you don't like

52:08

because you could feel disrespected, whereas other

52:10

people can feel that alone in

52:12

a home with someone. The way that

52:14

you could feel respected in your

52:16

relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's an insecurity.

52:18

And you're saying that there's a buzzword on

52:20

the insecurity, but it's also a buzzword on

52:22

lack of trust. Again, that's not

52:24

but the but both things can

52:27

exist both like I'm fine with saying

52:29

as a human being We have insecurities.

52:31

I'm fine with as a human being

52:33

saying when we're in relationships There may

52:35

be elements of lack of lack of

52:37

trust because in different scenarios you may

52:39

be tested differently I don't have a

52:41

problem with her cooking for you. Do

52:43

I want y 'all to be five

52:46

days? Getting drunk together on an island

52:48

together No, and I as a human

52:50

being can express and admit that maybe

52:52

that comes from my mind Working and

52:54

feeling like this whole trip may not be

52:56

innocent. So no, that would be a

52:58

boundary of insecurity. I always got a

53:00

meal to make it a trip to

53:03

go on. Hell no. Now, Wolf, I'm

53:05

going to throw it to you. What do

53:07

you think would be

53:10

a boundary or something you

53:12

may have within platonic friendships?

53:15

Just to hear from a man's perspective,

53:17

because again, Mandy and I are I feel

53:19

like really loose with our boundaries. Nigga

53:22

lunch. A boundary

53:25

that I would

53:27

have for platonic friends in

53:29

the relationship. Your girl has a guy

53:31

best friend. What are they allowed to do

53:33

and not do? He's got tickets to a game.

53:35

One ticket. I got one for you right

53:37

now. If y 'all hanging

53:39

out, I would feel most comfortable if you

53:41

let me know before. I would

53:44

feel, you know, I

53:46

don't want to put too much yellow tape around this one,

53:48

but I don't want to hear like, Oh, me

53:50

and Joseph, when it had drinks, you know I mean? Like,

53:52

I would prefer you let me know. I just feel more

53:54

included. him. You know I mean? Something like that.

53:57

But I've dealt with that in a relationship. Oh, so fair. I've

53:59

dealt with that in a relationship before, where the nigger came

54:01

and told me, like, hey, yo, like, we gonna all get

54:03

drinks later today. And I was like, what you talking

54:05

about? Oh. What you talking about? And I

54:07

felt dumb, you know what mean? And I didn't have a problem

54:09

with him. But it was just like, the way

54:11

I like to run my relationships is like, come and

54:13

make sure I'm comfortable with that first, because I would

54:15

absolutely do the same thing to you. What's crazy

54:17

about that is though, it's the

54:19

simple... thing of I mean

54:21

communication is key we've been saying

54:23

that since probably the beginning

54:25

of time on this podcast but

54:27

people have

54:29

In telling sometimes

54:32

their partner what they're gonna do a lot

54:34

of times we perceive that it's gonna be

54:36

an argument before we even do it So

54:38

we don't feel the need to communicate it

54:40

Because we don't want the argument or we

54:42

don't want the conflict When in reality so

54:44

much can be resolved if you just communicate

54:46

that this is what you're about to do

54:48

I also think like a lot

54:50

of people don't yeah, they're not leaving

54:52

the space for you to communicate that

54:55

yeah, I remember the first time My partner

54:57

told me about sex with someone else.

54:59

So I was I told him I

55:01

want to know before and It was

55:03

a I think I was

55:05

away And he sent me a message about it. I

55:07

said, okay, baby. I'll talk to you later And he

55:09

called me later that night. And we

55:11

started talking normal. And he's like, OK,

55:13

no. And he could ask me, like,

55:16

when are we going to do this? Like, it

55:18

was it was weird. It was it was

55:20

like kind of uncomfortable because it's such a new thing.

55:22

Like, how do you learn each other's boundaries? How

55:24

do you learn what to do? How do you learn

55:26

how to tell someone you're going to fuck someone

55:28

else? Like, and I honestly think

55:30

the uncomfortability for him was probably why he didn't really

55:32

do it again. Because it's just like, damn,

55:35

this is something that maybe I don't enjoy.

55:37

Like maybe I can't really handle how this

55:39

feels. Maybe it does feel like a cheat,

55:41

because that is one of my rules. I

55:43

want to know before just like a platonic

55:45

friend hangout, right? I

55:47

think being the open

55:50

space for wanting to be told

55:52

about news is what all of us need to

55:54

do. Ladies, if you have a friend, if you

55:56

have a guy who wants to hang with his home girl,

55:58

but ends up telling you later, I totally agree with Wolf.

56:00

I agree. Let me know before, like,

56:03

but then when he tells you, you're like, how are

56:05

you going to be an average again? I mean, to

56:07

me, it's not even, I don't normally tell him everything

56:09

before, but if he calls me, I'd

56:13

pick up like, hey, babe, this is who

56:15

I'm with. And I introduce him. I'd be

56:17

like, this is my boyfriend. Like, like

56:19

my boyfriend has met almost every one

56:21

on FaceTime. know he would

56:23

be like, bitch, don't fuck with me.

56:25

Get on the goddamn phone. I called

56:27

you. It's so crazy because it's different

56:29

strokes. I could see if I'm sitting with a

56:31

dude. And I answered my call, hey, this is

56:33

my friend Mark. He works at Netflix. We just got

56:35

a drink together. He'd be like, OK, bitch,

56:38

I'm calling you. Get back on this phone. Like,

56:40

I wouldn't like him introducing me to

56:42

no bitch either. That wouldn't make me feel good.

56:44

I mean, but to me, it takes the guard

56:46

down of it being something. I mean, you just

56:48

said you have to tell him when you're with

56:50

a platonic friend. I'm saying that. I

56:52

didn't say I have to. I said I would

56:54

like that. Oh, well, while I'm out. I'm not

56:57

telling anybody my everyday move, because sometimes shit is

56:59

last minute. And I'm not asking for permission. So

57:01

if I'm out and you call me, hey,

57:03

babe, I'm out. This is my friend right now.

57:06

This is so -and -so. I'll call you when I

57:08

get home. Mwah. Like, to me, I

57:10

would appreciate that even from him. Because now, OK, there's

57:12

nothing to hide. You know exactly what I'm doing.

57:14

I'll hit you when I leave. Them hoes don't want

57:16

to suck that dick. Let me tell you something.

57:19

I'm gonna give them a bump. That ho could sit

57:21

here and be like, oh, man, when you come

57:23

down late, I'll make you. Fucking curry chicken, too. Bitch.

57:25

Put it up your ass, hoe. I don't give

57:27

a fuck. Them hoes be sneaky. They be

57:29

lying. And you niggas be lying. And that is

57:31

why you need to buy no hoes barred.

57:34

We are going to tell you all about what

57:36

to do and where we learn from our

57:38

mistakes. I hope you guys really enjoyed this episode.

57:40

I kind of love talking about

57:42

this because even though we have so

57:44

much of the same, like, because I'm

57:46

the same way, right? Go out with your

57:48

homegrown. We have so much of

57:50

the same ethical, non -monogamy ideals.

57:53

But very different structures and rules around

57:55

what makes us feel safe and

57:57

comfortable in a relationship. Absolutely. It's so

57:59

interchangeable. Like, I don't

58:01

know. I just, I've told you recently and I've said it

58:03

a few times on Horrible, I hate the recent E &M

58:05

talk because I really don't think people know

58:07

what they're doing. I don't think

58:09

they know how to express what they want,

58:11

how they feel comfortable. I think that everybody's

58:13

just kind of seeing what fits. I

58:15

mean, I'm also with someone who has never

58:18

even thought to be in

58:20

it. He's, he's very monogamous.

58:22

And he's open to figuring

58:24

out how my mind works and

58:27

how to feel safer in

58:29

expressing things that in previous relationships,

58:31

he didn't have the autonomy to. And

58:33

I love it for us. I'm

58:35

excited about us exploring

58:37

these things together. But

58:40

again, I think it's

58:42

also very, again, customizable.

58:45

He's probably not someone that will feel as

58:47

comfortable in a sex club as my

58:49

previous partner. And it's fine because I've also

58:51

been to three sex clubs since we've

58:53

been together. And I've got to express

58:55

and tell him all the things. And he's like,

58:57

yeah, I don't know if I would like that.

58:59

But I like it's very would enjoy. It seems

59:01

like he loves it. No, no, no, no. I

59:04

think when you care about someone very much, you

59:06

enjoy watching them have a great time. And

59:08

I think that when he sees how comfortable you

59:10

can be, it reminds me of the conversation

59:12

with King Noir. He's saying he

59:14

hated pretty Ricky if you got a friend

59:16

that you want to go enjoy pretty

59:18

Ricky with go enjoy it Am I gonna

59:20

try to say bitch? I am pretty

59:22

I wouldn't even want to bring my man

59:25

into a space where he could ruin

59:27

it for me because I know how even

59:29

I describe it He seems so uninterested. I

59:32

You don't have to come baby. This

59:34

is something that I don't wear Probably not

59:37

Why would they know you're not

59:39

gonna bring it? I don't know probably doubt

59:41

it I'm

59:43

surprised, because he came to Denver. Yep, and

59:45

you didn't meet him there? I'm

59:47

not asking to meet your boyfriend. No, but

59:49

Wally wouldn't meet your boyfriend. I'm keeping him

59:51

very sober on work. I

59:53

didn't say you were begging. I'm

59:55

just saying where we're at, I'm

59:58

going to keep him very, very

1:00:00

opposite of my business and work. Outside of

1:00:02

this premiere, we're agreeing to

1:00:04

do the same. Well, y 'all,

1:00:06

go ahead and check us out

1:00:08

on patreon.com backslash horrible decisions and

1:00:10

we will see you next week.

1:00:12

That's right. Bye. Bye.

1:00:34

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