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.acast .com slash ads. Red,

1:50

I gotta hand it to you. I don't

1:52

need to put a little bit of this

1:54

anywhere. Tamil, have you noticed something? 499

1:57

pounds, why do you ask? I gotta learn how

1:59

to blurt it out. Let's just say

2:01

it was a miscommunication. He's embarrassed

2:03

about the word booty. Maybe

2:05

I could write you. You said kill

2:07

him. This is the garbage mushroom is gross.

2:09

If I had that kind of junk

2:11

in my trunk, I'd be showing it off

2:13

to everyone. Do you really want to

2:16

upset Duke Zalto like that? Right here, right

2:18

now, out the door. I'm crazy. You

2:20

know I am. We're

2:23

giving these voting dads

2:25

away. Welcome

2:38

back to Dice Shame. This is

2:40

season two, episode 138. Good as

2:42

gold. MVP this week is Moth,

2:44

who is live blogging their listen

2:46

on our Discord. They are

2:48

enjoying Dice Shame in all of its

2:50

glory. And boy, what fun to see

2:52

it through new eyes. Thank you, Moth.

2:54

You're this week's MVP. Thanks, Moth. All

2:56

right, should we play some D &D? Yeah,

2:58

let's do it. Woo! The

3:12

Watchman Orc leads

3:14

you into this dimly

3:17

lit cavern. There

3:19

are torches on the walls,

3:21

but apart from that, it's not

3:23

very homely. This is clearly

3:25

just a series of caverns and

3:27

tunnels that have potentially been

3:29

hollowed out of this mountain, but,

3:31

you know, it's got kind

3:33

of a natural vibe to it.

3:36

As you enter through

3:38

this cave mouth,

3:40

Into the tunnels, your

3:42

nostrils are assaulted

3:44

by smells. You smell

3:46

wood smoke, roast

3:48

meat, mildew, and

3:50

something strange. Almost

3:52

floral on the

3:54

air. You make

3:57

your way into the tunnels

3:59

following this guardsman orc and

4:01

past a campfire. There's a

4:03

northern little... cave mouth on

4:05

the tunnel, and there are

4:08

a couple of orcs sitting

4:10

around a campfire. There are

4:12

some tents here, and they

4:14

all look up from the

4:16

meal that they were enjoying

4:19

together to pierce you with

4:21

their gaze as you pass

4:23

by. Hello. Doran sort

4:25

of gives a what's up nod,

4:27

you know? Like, uh, hi. The

4:29

classic cool guy. Yeah, sort of

4:31

that weird feeling you get when

4:33

you're walking through some place you

4:35

don't know, but you're with somebody

4:37

that knows them. So you're like,

4:40

we're with him. Look

4:42

at us cool. We're the

4:44

outsiders that have been invited in.

4:46

Red just gives an awkward

4:49

wave. I press some runes and

4:51

the suit just says, What's

4:53

up in Orc? One of the

4:55

orcs that's spearing some meat

4:57

over the fire roasting it just

4:59

holds up a hand to

5:02

you, Witted. The orc gestures into

5:04

a southern chamber just opposing

5:06

this campfire and says, You guys

5:08

wait in there. Yes, sir.

5:10

Sure. This larger cave looks like

5:13

it is a storage area

5:15

of some kind. There are rotten

5:17

crates, some chests and barrels

5:19

on the ground, a pile of

5:21

shitty broken weapons of all

5:23

kinds, just like lying on the

5:26

cave floor. And there is

5:28

a wagon that looks well used.

5:30

Additionally, there is another orc

5:32

in this area. She's leaning with

5:34

her back against the cave

5:37

wall, smoking tobacco, and she just

5:39

gives the guard the weirdest,

5:41

what the fuck, look as he

5:43

passes by and tells you

5:45

guys to wait in here. We're

5:47

here to buy elixirs on

5:50

behalf of Duke Zalto. You're

5:52

here to buy elixirs?

5:54

Yes. What happened to the

5:56

regular guy? He died. We killed

5:58

him. killed him,

6:00

and now you have his job? Yeah.

6:02

Look, the guy was skimming off of

6:05

Duke Zalto, so he hired us to

6:07

take his ass out, and now we're

6:09

running errands here and there. What's the

6:11

big deal? Roll deception.

6:13

Fuck. I'm

6:16

going to use my inspiration. Joe only

6:18

goes so far with the reality of things.

6:20

Roll it, baby. You said kill him.

6:22

Dorne was one that said kill him. I'm

6:25

covering up your mistake. I

6:28

got to learn to not

6:30

blurt it out. I rolled with

6:32

advantage. I got an eight

6:34

and a natural 20. I

6:37

also rolled a natural 20

6:39

on my insight. Yeah, but

6:41

so plus my deception? We're

6:43

going to have to go

6:46

into the nitty gritty. Overtime?

6:49

Overtime. Did you

6:51

say you rolled a nat

6:53

20 on your insight? Insight

6:55

and deception contested roll. What? Tamil

6:58

can see the kind of

7:00

like dawning recognition of a lie

7:02

on this orc woman's face.

7:04

And she shouts out, you'll have

7:06

to forgive my friends. They're

7:08

a little bit in awe of

7:10

being in the presence of

7:12

such skilled alchemists who are also

7:14

such valiant warriors. And she's

7:16

under the guise of the flattery

7:18

is casting silvery barbs. Yes.

7:21

Okay. Yeah, it's

7:23

what I used when we were fighting

7:25

Rangel and he naturally on me and

7:28

then I was like... So are you

7:30

just dancing when you're saying this? Like

7:32

what does it look like when you're

7:34

casting Silvery Barbs? For Silvery Barbs, this

7:36

is all, this is just her like

7:38

using honeyed words. This is just her

7:40

kind of using the force of her

7:43

speech. So it would probably be like

7:45

a lighter version of that effect that

7:47

we saw in... where

7:49

if you're kind of paying attention

7:51

and you're expecting to see this

7:53

kind of thing, it almost looks

7:55

like sonic waves, like light sonic

7:57

waves. Maybe the air kind of

7:59

shimmers a little bit, but it's

8:01

subtle and the main force of

8:03

it comes from her voice. Okay.

8:05

Fuck yes. And so mechanically I'm

8:07

re -rolling my... Your insight and

8:09

using the lower roll, yeah. I

8:12

love that. Great job. A

8:14

13. On the die.

8:17

So, yes. Red, like, sees all this, obviously,

8:19

but also got a natural 20, and

8:21

he's just like, I mean, look, I don't

8:23

need to put too much of this

8:25

anywhere, you know? I'm sounding a bit too

8:27

Matt Berry there. I don't need to

8:29

put a little bit of this anywhere. Red,

8:31

is that... No, look, look, this is

8:33

the truth. I mean, that's the way it

8:35

is, you know? Yeah, all right. Sure.

8:39

We can be friendly. You don't have

8:41

to be mean. What's your name? My

8:43

name? Yes. I

8:45

always loved that one. Joe's like, my name?

8:48

You want to know my name? It's

8:50

Q -Bub. And I don't want

8:52

to hear any of the normal

8:54

shit about Q -Bub. Q -Bub? What's the

8:56

normal shit about Q -Bub? It's a

8:58

beautiful name. Thank you. Usually

9:01

people have 10 jokes.

9:04

Maybe it has to do with

9:06

the orcish word. You know Q

9:08

-Bub is almost like a homonym

9:10

for like... booty or something it's

9:12

like a little bit yeah i

9:15

from across the room winning just

9:17

real quick hits her with a

9:19

q bob are you uh embarrassed

9:21

because of the proximity of your

9:23

name to the orcish word

9:25

that roughly translates to booty oh

9:27

yeah it's something like that

9:29

yep tamil tries to say but

9:31

why would she be embarrassed

9:33

i mean If I had that kind

9:35

of junk in my trunk, I'd be showing it off

9:37

to everyone. It's true. Look

9:39

at that ass. Well, that's why I asked, so

9:41

I would know if she was embarrassed about that

9:43

or if she was embarrassed about something else. Good

9:45

call, Witted. This is weird. Doran

9:47

has no idea of this, but

9:50

he rolls a cigarette and steps up

9:52

closer to her and smokes his

9:54

own cigarette. Well, they converse.

9:59

Sorry. Sorry for my friends.

10:03

This is a weird. thing. This is

10:05

sort of a weird... It's sort

10:07

of a weird thing that's happened here,

10:09

just right now. Jordan tries

10:11

to light his cigarette off of her cigarette. He's

10:13

like, can I get a light pair? She's

10:16

like a full seven and

10:18

a half feet tall, and he's

10:20

like, trying to just... Listen, don't

10:22

mind our friends. Like

10:25

you were saying, we're simply here to

10:27

pick up these elixirs, and then we'll be

10:29

out of your hair. Red

10:32

walks over to Timil, and he's

10:34

just like, I think Doran

10:36

might have a little thing. Doran

10:38

used to be married to

10:40

a goblin, FYI. Oh, so Doran

10:42

and Q -Bub converse. They have

10:44

a somewhat terse, somewhat flirtatious...

10:46

could write you and have a

10:48

raven deliver. You

10:51

hear Doran kind of

10:53

mumble. Oh. Doran,

10:56

as you and Q -Bub

10:58

are having your little

11:00

chat, you just feel the...

11:03

Disappointment reverberating down the handle that's strapped

11:05

to your back. But Orxplitter's doing

11:07

her best right now. All

11:09

right, well, just don't touch anything.

11:11

No. Nothing? Can I

11:13

sit? Yeah, you can sit on

11:15

the floor. Okay, don't be sassy.

11:17

Are you having an okay day?

11:19

No, I'm not. Why? Is

11:21

this your job, watching this room all

11:24

day? Yeah, it's a shitty post. Oh,

11:26

I'm sorry. That sucks. I mean, it's

11:29

just the wagon. Okay, but then,

11:31

hey. Aren't we the highlight

11:33

of your day? No.

11:37

Oh. Asked and answered. I don't know. The

11:39

highlight of my day is when my

11:41

shift is over and I get to go

11:43

to my tent and work on my

11:45

knitting. Oh. You knit? Wim's working

11:48

on Cat's Cradle. Wim shows her

11:50

the Cat's Cradle and she's like,

11:52

cute. Yeah. Oh, that's sarcasm. Grocklock's

11:55

in charge. Aren't you guys

11:57

here to see Gracklack? You know who's

11:59

in charge, right? Yeah, we're waiting. We're waiting

12:01

for him. That's what we're standing here

12:03

waiting for Gracklack. What's your knitting like? What's

12:05

my knitting like? Yeah, is it like

12:07

a cape or a hat or booties? Better

12:10

be careful the way you use that word around her.

12:12

She's embarrassed about the word booty

12:14

because of her name. She...

12:18

gets a thundercloud over her face.

12:20

Is she wearing anything visible that's

12:23

clearly knitted? Tamil does a quick

12:25

scan to see if there's anything

12:27

poking out from underneath armor or

12:29

bracers or anything. Roll a perception

12:31

check for me. Anyone who's doing

12:33

a knitting check? Oh, goodness. Did

12:35

you think it would get here? Was this part of the plan for

12:37

this? The

12:39

notes are DC 18 to find

12:41

the knitting. To

12:43

find the knitted sconce. Hang on, hang

12:45

on. Would you roll? I got a

12:48

nat 20 on my perception check for

12:50

a 26 for knitting. Yeah.

12:52

Can't hide that knitting.

12:54

She's got one strap of

12:56

like a knitted. She's

12:58

got like one of those

13:00

hot crochet bras on

13:02

underneath her like regular armor.

13:05

Additionally, it seems

13:07

like this room is the

13:09

place where they store goods

13:11

that are getting ready to

13:13

be shipped out. But everything

13:15

that's in this room right

13:18

now is like crap that

13:20

broke that they haven't had

13:22

time to just like. throw

13:24

in the river yet we

13:26

all got one of those

13:28

rooms like probably a shipment

13:30

just went out and the

13:32

carts come back and they're

13:34

like oh this crate broke

13:36

and they just like shove

13:38

the pieces off of the

13:40

cart after a few more

13:42

minutes of this terse

13:44

and somewhat flirtatious conversation

13:46

a large male orc

13:48

makes his way into

13:51

view at the mouth

13:53

of this tunnel he's

13:55

wearing furs draped

13:57

over his shoulders, and

13:59

his tusks that emerge from

14:01

his lower jaw are

14:03

a good four inches long.

14:06

One of them is

14:08

capped in a gold ring

14:10

all the way around,

14:12

and he's about eight feet

14:14

tall. He is all

14:17

rippling muscle, and he's got

14:19

just a bald head,

14:21

for the most part, with

14:23

a little... brown

14:25

topknot sort of on the back,

14:27

like shaved and then just little

14:29

button back there. Red's like clocking

14:31

this guy for future disguises. He's

14:33

like, hmm, I want that next

14:35

time. Tamiel

14:37

is going to kind of drop

14:40

back and let Red or whoever else

14:42

wants to be more upfront so

14:44

that she can kind of disguise her

14:46

movements a little bit. So she'll

14:48

probably kind of let herself be a

14:50

little bit obscured by this wagon. From

14:53

where Grackalack is. Smart.

14:57

Grackalack, I presume? Yeah. Nice

15:00

to meet you. That

15:02

also sounded Matt Berry. Why am I doing so

15:04

much Matt Berry tonight? I don't know. You

15:06

must be Grackalack, I presume. My name is Red.

15:08

As Red from Red's Rogue is... Keebub, get

15:10

out of here. And she's

15:12

like, excuse me? Yeah. I

15:14

mean, I'm doing business in

15:16

here. Get gone. She's like,

15:18

you don't... Tell me what

15:21

to do anymore. Can

15:23

I do an insight check real quick

15:25

to see if there's any kind of

15:27

romantic tension between these two? Sure. Yeah,

15:29

yeah, yeah. Absolutely roll insight.

15:31

an ex situation? This

15:33

is turning into

15:36

sitcom. It's awkward. I

15:41

rolled a 17, so that's

15:43

a 27 insight. Nice.

15:47

The way that Cubub

15:49

is staring at

15:51

this chieftain shows some

15:53

spite, and you

15:55

actually recognize some similarities

15:57

in the facial

15:59

structure. This is a

16:01

dad and daughter

16:03

situation. I'm going to message

16:06

everybody just real quick. That's a dad. That's

16:08

a dad. Doran, that's a dad. You know,

16:10

just casting message to each of them, to

16:12

Wid, to Wim. So just out loud, I

16:14

say, are you the one who named your

16:16

Cubub? Weren't you

16:18

aware when you named your daughter

16:20

Q -Bub of the proximity to the

16:22

hobbit? Dooming

16:25

her to a life of being teased?

16:28

Can I say that out loud? Q -Bub's

16:30

a family name. My

16:33

mother was named Q -Bub. Are

16:35

you aware of the... No, no,

16:37

no, no. He takes

16:39

six quick steps up

16:41

to you, Witted, and he...

16:44

puts a meaty hand

16:46

on your chest and pushes

16:48

you up against the

16:50

closest wall. And he says,

16:53

say one more word. Did

16:55

he place the hand on

16:57

my chest or the armor's

16:59

chest? The armor's chest. Absolutely.

17:02

I love it. The armor is

17:04

pushed up against the wall. I offer

17:06

no resistance. And I

17:08

press a button on the

17:10

armor, at which point

17:12

the armor says in orc.

17:14

Okay. Red

17:17

like leans into the scene like,

17:19

let's just say it was a

17:21

miscommunication. Our friend here is rusty

17:23

with his common. Look, we don't

17:25

want to take up any more

17:27

of your time. We're here to

17:30

purchase a few bottles of elixir

17:32

and be out of here as

17:34

soon as the dog says go

17:36

home. There's a saying. It's tabaxi.

17:38

Don't worry about it. It's true.

17:40

With a few less gold pieces

17:42

in our pockets. Gracklack

17:44

hasn't moved from in front of

17:46

Witted, and he doesn't even take

17:48

his eyes off of Witted to

17:50

respond to you, Red, and he

17:53

says, Yeah, I heard about

17:55

that. Apparently you

17:57

were sent by Duke Zolto. Well,

17:59

in a way, yes. So you

18:01

know that he owes me quite

18:03

a bit of gold already. It's

18:05

on its way. And are you

18:08

saying that he needs more elixirs

18:10

before we receive payment for the

18:12

last three shipments? No, the truth

18:14

of the matter is the elixirs

18:16

are for us to get in

18:18

and get the remaining payment, which

18:20

is on its way, as I

18:23

mentioned previous. Do

18:25

you think I'm stupid? No, gosh,

18:27

no. What would give you that

18:29

impression? The fact that you are

18:31

feeding me such a crock of

18:33

bullshit. Well... Okay.

18:35

Now, listen. There's one thing to

18:37

be saying we're lying, but we're

18:39

not. We want to buy the

18:41

elixirs from you. Full stop. Dad,

18:44

can you please just

18:46

deal with these people

18:48

for once like you

18:50

are not the biggest

18:52

pain in the ass

18:54

on the planet? Please.

18:58

Get out of my sight. And

19:00

she stomps away. Oh. Does

19:03

he still have his hand on Witted's

19:05

armor? He's dropped it when he addressed his

19:07

daughter, and he sort of did like

19:09

a half turn away from Witted, but he's

19:11

still standing right up against him, basically.

19:13

Witted showing no signs he's aware of being

19:15

in grave danger. He's looking back and

19:17

forth between the three, like people, oh, wow,

19:20

this is getting exciting. Goggles zooming in

19:22

and out. God,

19:25

that's good. Look, we

19:27

don't want to take up any of

19:29

your time. Clearly we're bothering you.

19:31

We want to pay for the elixirs

19:33

and get out of here. There's

19:35

no gin off your arm? Did you

19:37

bring the payment? No, the payment's

19:40

on its way. Look, we are but

19:42

four humble adventurers coming on behalf

19:44

of Duke Salto to collect five elixirs.

19:46

The payment is on its way

19:48

from Duke Salto. Sounds

19:50

great. You wait right here.

19:52

Can I roll insight on that?

19:54

Yep. Just believe

19:57

what we say. You know, like,

19:59

I don't think so. Sorry.

20:01

That's a dirty 20. Ooh,

20:03

nice. There is a simmering danger

20:05

in this interaction that is

20:07

starting to boil. Listen, listen. I

20:09

don't think there's anything here

20:11

a Dorn could say that's going

20:13

to take it off the

20:16

rails any further. But

20:18

he steps in and he's

20:20

like, all right, look. Yes,

20:22

your money is coming. But

20:24

look, on the other hand,

20:26

do you really want to

20:28

upset Duke Zalto like that

20:30

and tell him no more

20:32

elixirs until his money gets

20:34

here? Really, the only reason

20:36

we're here ahead of your

20:38

money is because of the

20:40

need for it so quickly.

20:42

Otherwise, we would have come

20:44

slowly with the rest of

20:46

your gold. Right? With...

20:48

With my 20, I just want

20:50

to know, when Doran says Duke

20:52

Zalto, can I decipher how this

20:55

orc feels about Duke Zalto? Doesn't

20:57

like him very much. Perfect. Okay.

20:59

Reg is going to interrupt Doran and say,

21:01

all right, look, gloves

21:04

down, fuck it. You want the

21:06

truth, my friend? Here's the goddamn truth.

21:09

We're going to go kill Duke

21:11

Zalto. Ha! We don't give

21:13

a fuck about him. We

21:15

want the elixirs so we can get

21:17

in there, take off his fucking head.

21:19

And here's what I'm going to tell

21:21

you, my friend. We

21:23

don't give a fuck what happens to

21:25

iron slag when we're done with it.

21:27

You want a new home for your

21:29

thousand fists? You want to loot the

21:31

shit out of that place? You want

21:34

to scrape every last bit of gold

21:36

or adamantine from that fucking mountain? It

21:38

is yours. Well, I don't know about

21:40

that. I don't know if we should

21:42

be promising. At a bad

21:44

time, necessarily. With it, in a

21:46

moment. Because, I will tell you

21:49

this, we are gonna take his

21:51

fucking head and destroy the fire

21:53

giants, and that is a promise

21:55

you can look me in the

21:57

eyes. You

22:00

have this

22:02

orc chief's

22:04

attention. Finally,

22:08

some real truth from you.

22:10

Look, can you blame us?

22:12

We had to get in

22:14

here somehow. I don't know

22:16

if you are up to the task

22:19

of it, but I would like

22:21

to see you try. Listen,

22:23

my friend. We've killed hill

22:25

giants. We have destroyed stone giants.

22:27

You see this rod of

22:29

the Vonendad? I took it from

22:32

a fucking fire giant before

22:34

I put one through his fucking

22:36

skull. You tell me we

22:38

can't do this? You believe whatever

22:40

you want, my friend, but I will tell

22:42

you, we may not be good at bluffing

22:44

at times, but we are damn fine good

22:46

at killing. Well,

22:50

Red, I gotta hand it

22:52

to you. You're talking

22:54

paid off today. We're

22:57

still in it, Doran. That's a

22:59

bit premature. Perhaps we should see what...

23:01

Doran's like smash cut to walking

23:03

out already. And

23:05

then we have potion. We jump in

23:07

the air and freeze. Maybe don't put that

23:09

in, but I'm impressed, Harlan. That was good.

23:11

We did it, guys. No. He's very persuasive.

23:13

We made a sale. That guy from Guardians

23:16

of the Galaxy. I love him so much.

23:18

it. We got out of here. Sorry.

23:23

And surely you don't take

23:25

me for a charity

23:27

case. Of course I don't. And

23:29

I know your name's not Shirley. And don't

23:31

call me Shirley. I fucked up the joke.

23:33

It's perfect. You gotta talk to Nick about

23:35

these. That's why we're willing to pay. What

23:38

did you bring? A hundred

23:41

gold per elixir. And I don't finish

23:43

my sentence. I read his

23:45

reaction. Natural

23:48

20. No fucking

23:50

lie. Check this out. Getting

23:52

those sweet nets. You

23:56

can tell that based on

23:58

what you've pulled out of your...

24:00

bag of holding he wants

24:02

to pump you for more gold

24:04

but that's more than he

24:06

was expecting to receive from you

24:08

like initially like it's more

24:10

than it's worth but he's gonna

24:13

try to get you yeah

24:15

red reads that and he's like

24:17

100 per is what i

24:19

would be willing to offer you

24:21

but because of the deception

24:23

i'm gonna attack 50 more on

24:25

per each Potion.

24:27

That's $150. Right

24:29

here, right now, out the

24:31

door. I'm crazy. You

24:33

know I am. We're

24:36

giving these bone and dots

24:38

away. That's

24:42

so funny. Look, $150 per

24:44

elixir, that's five. Five times $150

24:46

is, and red points to

24:48

win it. $750. That's right, $750.

24:51

What do you say? A deal? He

24:54

holds out. a hand

24:56

that is bigger than your

24:58

face to shake it.

25:00

Red spits in his hand.

25:05

He doesn't flinch. He just goes for it.

25:07

He doesn't care about a weird cat

25:09

spit. Yeah. And Red

25:11

shakes his hand. All right. Follow

25:14

me. As he leads you deeper into

25:16

this complex, you are following an almost floral

25:18

scent. Your daughter is strong and gorgeous,

25:20

and you need to let her go free

25:22

if you want to see her flourish.

25:24

Whitted also marches up in his armor and

25:26

just leads out of the armor and

25:28

just says, I am just so glad. And

25:30

you think he's going to compliment the

25:32

job he did, that that spitting at his

25:34

pub was a side of respect. I

25:36

didn't know what you were going for there

25:38

exactly, and I'm so glad that it

25:40

paid off. I don't know either.

25:43

That's what Tamil taught me how to do. Just

25:46

following her lead. All right, let's

25:48

go. And yeah, we head deeper in.

25:50

Wow. Great job, Harlan. Do

25:52

you have inspiration right now?

25:54

No, I used it. I want

25:56

to give you inspiration. That

25:58

was a fantastic bit of role

26:01

playing. Thank you. Excellent job. Grackalack

26:03

leads you deeper into the

26:05

cave systems. It's a

26:07

lot deeper than I hoped we'd have

26:10

to go. Red says to Witted at

26:12

the back of the line as we

26:14

move deeper into the orcish lair. Sort

26:16

of like we're walking into the belly

26:18

of the beast. These cave systems are

26:20

incredibly complex, but very interesting to navigate.

26:22

Everyone keep your eyes peeled. Let me know

26:24

if you notice anything. Sure. Witted

26:27

is goggles down, just examining every nook

26:29

and cranny of every, not like

26:31

up close, but he keeps, it's clear

26:33

he's not being subtle about it.

26:35

He's looking around for anything unusual. Joe?

26:38

You had mentioned that there was

26:40

a kind of floral smell in

26:42

the cave. I did. As we're

26:44

walking, I think that Tamil has

26:46

noticed this, and I think that

26:49

she might be scanning, trying to

26:51

find a source for the floral

26:53

smell. Wonderful. You've nose -dissed it?

26:55

I nose -dissed it. Nose -dissed. Tamil,

26:58

have you noticed something? With

27:02

my nose. Have

27:05

any of you noticed that

27:07

there's a smell? It's almost like

27:10

flowers. Is that

27:12

what that is? Flowers? Unfortunately,

27:14

it's highly unlikely that ancient Nethery's

27:16

technology would be running off of any

27:18

kind of bio -organic or flower -based

27:21

technology. So unfortunately, no luck there. And

27:23

he just acts like that's what

27:25

you were talking about and keeps walking.

27:28

That's true, right. Couldn't

27:31

care less about anything we smell. He's like,

27:33

that's not how I find good technology. I

27:36

feel like Orcsplitter's on my back

27:38

being like, you could kill them all.

27:41

You could just kill every orc

27:43

here. How are you handling vibrations and

27:45

protests from your weapon? Doran's

27:47

got it covered with his piece of

27:49

his cloak. He's kind of muted it,

27:51

muffled it to try and keep it

27:53

as quiet as possible. Otherwise, he's ignoring

27:56

it and telling it to shut up

27:58

every now and then. Quiet.

28:00

They're going to hear you.

28:02

We have to be polite here.

28:04

Come on. As the orc

28:06

chieftain leads you further into this

28:08

tunnel system, a large, irregularly

28:10

shaped cavern opens up ahead of

28:12

you. It's bisected north -south by

28:14

an underground river. You

28:17

see in this huge cavern

28:19

that there are a handful

28:21

of orcs at work here.

28:23

Some of them are waist

28:25

deep in this river, busy

28:27

among a small grove of

28:29

aquatic mushrooms that grow amber

28:31

and green and mauve, casting

28:33

light up and out onto the

28:35

ceiling above you. Tamil,

28:38

you could make the

28:40

assumption that some of

28:43

this strange floral smell

28:45

is... Mushroom -based. Oh,

28:47

okay. Across the

28:49

rickety wooden bridges, on the

28:51

eastern side of the cavern, you

28:53

see that there are several

28:55

hide and bone tents set up,

28:58

and there are bonfires also

29:00

glowing. Gracklack leads

29:02

you towards one of these

29:04

bridges. Move. Just a

29:06

knockoff red. Hey,

29:08

what do you want to pet

29:10

those mushrooms have something to do

29:12

with that elixir they're producing? Oh,

29:15

you think, hey, and Red says,

29:17

even like more hushed. Maybe I

29:19

should try to snag a few

29:21

just in case this all falls

29:23

through, you know? Hey, I think

29:25

not a bad idea, you know?

29:27

All right, all right. Red just

29:29

like slinks back. Doesn't seem like

29:32

Gracklack is terribly concerned with keeping

29:34

track of the five of you.

29:36

He's just striding across the river,

29:38

perhaps feeling like you're not a

29:40

threat. Hmm, our deception worked. Clever

29:44

play there, Witted, by letting him

29:46

push you and me deceiving him

29:48

with my stupidity. Well. Yes, part

29:50

of the plaid. And you see

29:52

him in his armor, like kind

29:55

of touching the edge of the

29:57

bridge with a toe of his

29:59

armor. And he's like, I'm concerned

30:01

about the structural integrity of these

30:03

bridges. But so far, it seems

30:05

to be going well. How

30:08

heavy are you, Witted?

30:11

I do feel like in

30:13

the suit. Pretty fucking heavy.

30:16

Yeah? Are we

30:18

talking like a small

30:20

car? think that's why he's

30:22

upset. I think I'd

30:24

say a good 300, 350

30:26

probably. Wow. Yeah. So

30:28

not car, but definitely heavier than

30:30

a person even of his size.

30:32

Yeah. And he's kind of big

30:34

in the armor. I'm writing it

30:36

down right now. How much does

30:39

the levitate spell lift? 500,

30:41

I think. Okay, it's under that. 499

30:45

pounds, why do you ask? Yeah, yeah,

30:47

yeah. Rather important for me. Tamil

30:49

is kind of walking. She

30:51

hustles up alongside Chief Graklak. Chief,

30:53

we do not wish to

30:55

intrude any further than we already

30:57

have. Are there courtesies or

30:59

customs that we should be observing

31:01

while we are in your

31:03

area? He turns to you

31:05

with kind of a look of

31:08

disbelief on his face. Are you

31:10

asking me for charm lessons? If

31:12

you have ones to give. Usually

31:15

I wouldn't recommend showing up

31:17

at someone's doorstep demanding shit.

31:20

That's lesson one. Noted.

31:25

But also, well, for example...

31:27

I am so curious about these

31:29

mushrooms here, but if you

31:31

would prefer that we not ask

31:33

questions, if we keep our

31:35

mouths shut and stay to one

31:37

area. He gives you kind

31:39

of a coy smile and just

31:41

says, You can ask as

31:43

many questions as you like, but

31:46

it doesn't mean that they'll

31:48

get answered. He starts to stride

31:50

farther across the bridge. That means he

31:52

doesn't know anything. I know the type. Underfoot

31:56

-witted this. Bridge

31:59

Creeks. terrifyingly. It's

32:01

this rare moment where you see him

32:03

very concerned and, like, awkward in

32:05

the armor, whereas normally he's just plotting

32:07

methodical. He starts, like, moving a

32:09

little bit carefully and, like, almost stumbling,

32:11

like, let me make sure I'm

32:13

grabbing this rock at all given time,

32:15

and then, like, stumble forward to,

32:17

like, this other rock. Oh, jeez. Thankfully,

32:23

you make it across

32:26

safely. Apparently, some

32:28

of these orcs in the

32:30

tribe are also quite stocky,

32:32

heavy folks. Red's

32:34

just watching this. That's not a

32:36

sight you see every day,

32:38

Doran. A gnome in a giant

32:40

mechanical suit stumbling across a

32:42

wood bridge. I know. Hey,

32:44

distract them for a second. Red

32:46

bends down and he pretends to tie

32:48

his shoe that doesn't have laces

32:51

and he goes to look at some

32:53

of the smaller mushrooms that are

32:55

nearby. Sure, yeah. Red, all around you

32:57

there are signs of industry

32:59

like off to the north

33:01

there's an area of the cavern

33:03

up kind of like a

33:05

two -foot ledge where there are

33:07

all of these barrels stacked and

33:09

arrayed and you notice as

33:11

you bent to tie your fake shoe

33:13

that there's actually an orc standing like

33:15

20 feet behind you that you didn't

33:17

notice as you were walking by who's

33:20

like pretending to work. Right. like found

33:22

a quiet corner and he's got a

33:24

crowbar in his hand and he's just

33:26

like tapping it on a crate. Is

33:28

he looking at me? He's

33:30

like looking around. I think you guys have definitely

33:32

caught his attention. No, I'm not trying to.

33:34

Strangers, weird, like walking by. But he's also like,

33:36

you don't see me, I don't see you.

33:38

And he's like picking his nose. I want to

33:40

see if I can discern anything from the

33:42

mushrooms being close to them. If they're dangerous, if

33:44

touching them would cause me to turn purple.

33:46

Cool. Are you going to get up close to

33:49

them or are you just going to take

33:51

a look like... mean, I imagine I'm kneeling next

33:53

to one right now. Cool. Do it on

33:55

the map, coward. Anywhere

33:58

in the water, you can definitely find a sample of

34:00

these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I

34:03

roll survival? You would roll nature. Would

34:05

it? Okay. Would it? Every time I say would it,

34:07

I'm not would it? Red

34:10

is all about nature. 15. Ooh.

34:13

You sampling some? No. No, God, no. You

34:15

say it like that wouldn't be something

34:17

you'd do. Eat one whole. What does your

34:19

investigation look like? Are you entirely just

34:21

looking at these mushrooms? I bend down, go

34:23

to time I shoot, and I investigate

34:25

the mushrooms. I want to know if they're

34:28

poisonous. But, I mean, look, if it's

34:30

going to be fun for red to pick

34:32

it, sure. I don't want to make

34:34

a combat. All I'm saying is when people

34:36

investigate mushrooms, they like... a little piece

34:38

of paper underneath the gills and see what

34:40

kind of spore pattern they make. Or

34:42

they like run a finger. I don't know.

34:45

So my thinking was more along the

34:47

lines Are you huffing one? No. Okay.

34:49

Correct me if I'm wrong, but people

34:51

who like go through the woods exploring

34:53

mushrooms... don't just touch all the mushrooms.

34:56

They go down, they go, that looks

34:58

like the poisonous aquatic mushroom known as

35:00

blah, blah, blah. That's the check I'm

35:02

doing now. I want to know if

35:04

this is a mushroom I recognize. These

35:06

are not mushrooms that you innately recognize.

35:08

Of course. Because they

35:10

are probably native to this cave

35:13

system. You've encountered a lot

35:15

of different kinds of phosphorescent mushrooms

35:17

before. These are emitting, now

35:19

that you're... close to one, emitting

35:21

kind of a lovely floral

35:23

scent. All right. Are the

35:26

orcs in the water harvesting mushrooms?

35:28

Did you say that? Yeah.

35:30

It's so weird, actually. Are they

35:32

using, like, gloves? Do

35:34

they have PPE on? Yeah. Are

35:36

they just throwing them into bags?

35:39

They've got baskets on their back,

35:41

and there's actually... an overseer orc

35:43

who's like standing on one of

35:45

the northern bridges and she's like

35:47

glaring down at these worker orcs

35:49

as they they have scythes and

35:51

they're like hacking off pieces of

35:53

mushroom and throwing them in the

35:55

baskets yeah okay cool yeah red

35:58

we'll try to pick some cool

36:00

sleight of hand style yeah if

36:02

you want to grab like a

36:04

grapefruit sized mushroom yeah and throw

36:06

it into the bag of holding

36:08

roll a sleight of hand check

36:10

Hell yeah. I'm going to use

36:12

my advantage. Cool. 22.

36:16

Phenomenal. Yeah, you palm a mushroom. What

36:18

color do you get? Mauve.

36:20

Mauve. You get a

36:22

mauve fruit. Yes. Unless

36:24

there was a distinct way the

36:26

orcs were picking only the blue ones

36:28

or something. Could you imagine? Red

36:30

gets the mundane out of the lot

36:32

of all the special magic. Oh,

36:34

this is the fart mushroom. This

36:37

doesn't have any of the... Those

36:40

are the garbage mushrooms. Gross. Yeah, if

36:42

there is a rhyme or reason for

36:44

their selections, you can't tell. Okay, perfect.

36:46

Yeah, Red just quickly puts it in

36:48

and then like passes Doran and like

36:50

kind of taps him as he passes.

36:52

You know, kind of like Doran knows

36:54

the feeling of like mission accomplished taps

36:56

on Red. He even catches it out

36:58

of the corner of his eye. He

37:00

doesn't even like acknowledge really it. Perfect.

37:03

Yeah, we join the

37:06

others. After all of

37:08

this very subtle mushroom

37:10

harvesting, Gracklack has

37:12

made his way almost across

37:14

the entirety of the chamber and

37:16

is heading towards another tunnel

37:18

system. Are we there

37:20

yet? As Witted had crossed that first

37:23

bridge there and stumbled onto that

37:25

midway rock, even stumbling forward so much

37:27

that reflexively, you think his helmet

37:29

came clinking into place, like, I'm going

37:31

to fall! Okay, all right, it

37:33

clinks into place, and then from inside

37:35

that helmet, you hear him go,

37:37

all right, um. And he's clearly the

37:39

one talking, but the voice is

37:41

being distorted. No

37:44

offense to your integrity of

37:46

this bridge, but... not

37:48

risking it. And suddenly you

37:50

hear this. Coming

37:53

from specifically the boots

37:55

of the armor. And

37:57

he just slowly starts

37:59

to step. upward

38:01

off the rock. And he's using

38:03

his boots of flying modification

38:05

on the armor. And it's just

38:07

his walking speed now is

38:09

his flying speed. And he just

38:11

starts, and you see these

38:13

little blue pulses, not like jets

38:15

of rockets or anything, but

38:17

just like these waves. It's

38:19

like the way that you move heavy appliances

38:21

where you put something underneath that just has

38:24

like jets of air and it just makes

38:26

it easier to slide. Tell me

38:28

about these fucking boots. He can fly. Is

38:30

this unlimited use? Do you just get to

38:32

be Iron Man? What's going on? In theory,

38:34

the boots of flying are one of the

38:36

more crucial upgrades that Witted did give to

38:38

his armor and for mobility purposes. And they

38:40

have a flying speed equal to your walking

38:43

speed. You can fly up to four hours

38:45

all at once or in several shorter flights.

38:47

So he just says like, I wasn't hoping

38:49

to use up the battery too much, but

38:51

I have battery to spare. Cool.

38:54

the hell's a battery? Honestly, I can't think

38:56

of a reason why we'd ever need to track.

38:59

Like a ram? Battery ram? Is he

39:01

saying battery ram, Doran? Is he

39:03

missing the ram part? A battery is

39:05

simple, a gemstone carved with cool

39:07

roods. We have lots of them in

39:09

my line of work. Oh,

39:11

wonderful. I have those too. He

39:13

can fly. He can fly. He

39:15

can fly. I can sing. I

39:18

can sing. Says the armor.

39:22

Wow, that's pretty cool. And I just

39:24

slowly drift back to the ground.

39:27

What other secrets are you keeping in

39:29

there, Tin Man? He flips up

39:31

the helm, smiles at you for the

39:33

first time kind of a little

39:35

bit in this genuine way, and you

39:37

just see nothing pops out, but

39:39

for just a moment this ripple from

39:41

top to bottom of plates shifting

39:43

in impossible geometric ways, just hinting at

39:45

what might be underneath this armor.

39:47

Just this subtle readjusting of all these

39:49

panels that clink out and in,

39:51

but don't actually reveal what's behind them.

39:54

I am tantalized. Well

39:56

done. Old Bessie has a few

39:58

tricks up her sleeve, and I even hold up

40:00

one of the arms as you see the

40:02

plates shifting and adjusting. I thought you were going

40:04

to say you pull a never -ending handkerchief. Absolutely.

40:09

Absolutely. Pigeons fly

40:11

out. Flowers and

40:13

stuff. I feel like I like that Witted wouldn't

40:15

flaunt a lot of his powers until they're

40:17

absolutely necessary. You're like, oh, you didn't know I

40:19

could do this? Right. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect.

40:21

Yeah, and you continue following Gracklack

40:23

to the next room. All

40:39

right, I just want to say thanks

40:41

again to all of our wonderful Patreon supporters.

40:43

And usually it takes me so long

40:45

to read this, so I'm going to take

40:48

a stab at going a little bit

40:50

quicker here. Thank

40:52

you to... Eli

41:20

Davis, Emerson

41:22

Forsberg, Aaron Lightning,

41:24

Gabby, Tao,

41:26

Gareth Bradshaw, Haley,

41:29

HD, Hyde,

41:31

Issy, Ivy Covered

41:33

Stones, Izzy,

41:35

Jack, JD, Jellybean,

41:37

Josh Kalusha,

41:39

Joshua Nance, Joy

41:41

Robinson, Kara,

41:43

Karen Dulay, Cass,

41:45

Kelly Foltz,

41:47

Key Raven, Lambda,

41:49

Letta J,

41:51

Lichrat, Lisanne Klikner,

41:53

Liz, Lorelei

41:56

Feldman, Luke. ...

41:58

... ...

42:00

... ... ...

42:02

Quinn, Rabita Nazcheese, Ren,

42:05

Ruthanne Reed, Tran, Scotty,

42:07

Seer of Time, Shannon

42:10

Waldner, Schonk, Slate

42:12

Blue Flowers, Snicksnack, Sray96,

42:14

Stab, Sonny, T -Kettle,

42:16

Thea Bell, Victor, Vulcontrol,

42:18

Waffle 427, Wanderer

42:20

Fenn, Ren Gillespie, and

42:22

Zill Street, Liz. Thanks

42:25

again for watching and see you around the

42:27

table. What's

42:30

she smoking, guys? She's

42:32

smoking weed. Wacky tobacco. Huge

42:34

fucking pipe. Yes.

42:38

Just tobacco. I feel like you could

42:40

say tobacco. I

42:43

wish, Tamil, you walked up

42:45

and you were like, so what's

42:47

crackalack and grackalack? That

42:50

sounds exactly like something Tamille would

42:52

say, yeah. We

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