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Dr. Laura's Deep

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Dive. Deep Dive. Dr.

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Laura's Deep Dive

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podcast. Okay, this is

0:26

from Anne. Thank you for

0:28

all you do to make

0:30

this world a better place.

0:32

I am trying to help

0:34

a family member through a

0:37

situation. Here it is. She's

0:39

been married 25 years. Her

0:41

husband is an alcoholic

0:44

and has been sober for

0:46

12 years. When he was

0:49

drinking, he was violent,

0:51

physically, and also

0:53

mentally abusive. In

0:56

the last 12 years,

0:58

he has become a

1:01

different person. He

1:03

has found his faith

1:05

again and has proven

1:08

he wants to be with

1:10

her and their family.

1:12

She has taken

1:14

him back. He is still

1:17

not drinking. I'm

1:19

going to do a

1:21

sidebar. This is this woman's

1:24

opinion. as to what's

1:26

going on. Let me give

1:28

you folks a hint. We

1:30

don't know what goes on behind

1:33

closed doors. That's

1:35

just a hint. She cannot,

1:38

now this is Anne's

1:40

opinion, she cannot get

1:42

past what he did to

1:44

her in the first 12 years

1:47

and has recently asked

1:49

him to leave. He

1:51

is devastated. Because

1:54

he has changed for

1:57

the better. Is there a

1:59

way to... forgive someone

2:02

for being violent

2:04

and mean and move

2:07

past this in

2:09

the relationship. I

2:12

don't know if I'm

2:14

wrong for saying that

2:16

you took vows to

2:18

be there for better

2:20

and worse and you

2:22

need to forgive. I

2:26

want to say and do the right

2:28

thing for her, but I need your advice,

2:31

please. So, I read this this morning,

2:33

and I was going to forward

2:35

it to Dan and bring her

2:37

on the air, but she's not

2:40

the one going through the problem,

2:42

so I'd ask her to call

2:44

her friend, put her friend, and

2:46

we could, so I'd know more, you

2:48

got it, right? But then when I

2:50

read, I don't know if I'm wrong

2:52

for saying you took vows to be

2:54

there, for better or worse. And

2:57

you need to forgive.

2:59

That's the part that

3:02

really went, whoa. Is

3:04

that what it really

3:06

means? So I want you

3:08

to do an analysis,

3:10

and I want your

3:13

opinion. OK? I might ask

3:15

you some questions

3:17

about your opinion,

3:19

but I don't plan

3:21

to argue. Because

3:24

I really am just searching, I'm

3:27

dying to hear after 50 years

3:29

of being on air, and I

3:31

know nobody listening has listened

3:33

to me all 50 years,

3:35

but after whatever amount

3:38

of time, how you perceive

3:40

this situation. So here and

3:42

again, it is in a nutshell.

3:44

Married for 25 years, first

3:46

12 years, he beat her,

3:48

humiliated her, degraded her,

3:51

was mean. Suddenly

3:53

he finds God goes

3:56

to church and according

3:59

to this. letter from

4:01

the friend, he's

4:03

just a better person.

4:05

And so 12 years

4:08

after ostensibly

4:10

getting clean and

4:13

sober and making

4:15

a transition, and by

4:17

the way that doesn't

4:20

happen overnight,

4:22

she has asked him

4:24

to leave. What's your

4:26

opinion? Should she

4:28

stay or should she go? All right, I'm

4:31

just going to take you in order

4:33

that you came in. Peter, what's

4:35

your opinion? Dr. Lord

4:37

and honor. Absolutely honor.

4:39

Dr. Lord, this is the way

4:41

I would look at it. If

4:44

they both found Jesus, Christes, or

4:46

Lord and Savior, this is just

4:48

simplifying it. I think it would

4:50

be to the degree of their

4:53

faith in God and their faith

4:55

in the sanctimony of marriage. And

4:57

that's like it. That's a starting,

5:00

I mean, that's if I

5:02

would talk to the people

5:04

for 50 minutes, faith to

5:06

face, and I could, because

5:08

it's 12 years, she's either

5:11

lost her ability to forgive

5:13

him through Lord Jesus, or

5:15

she has lost her faith

5:17

in God. There's something happen,

5:19

it's 12 years, Dr. Glory,

5:22

you say, you're right. Sobriety,

5:24

these things do not happen

5:26

overnight. It's a struggle every

5:28

day. Something's, I don't feel

5:31

like something's missing, but.

5:33

Okay, so you're saying

5:35

if she still was

5:38

embracing Jesus, then she

5:40

would forgive him for

5:42

beating the crap out of

5:44

her for 12 years. And when

5:46

we say beat the crap out

5:49

of her, I don't think well,

5:51

you know what I'm saying? No,

5:53

like, no, like, no, I

5:55

don't. I don't understand

5:58

yet that Jesus would

6:00

want a woman to stay

6:02

for a decade and be

6:05

beaten because she believes

6:07

in him. I have trouble

6:09

with that. Okay, I get

6:11

that, but maybe at that

6:14

time we're looking at these

6:16

two people being in a

6:18

totally different mind space, i.e.

6:21

if she was you know,

6:23

very, our Christian beliefs are

6:25

very strong. Wait a minute. Wait

6:27

a minute. I need you to stop

6:30

for a second because this is so

6:32

incredibly one-sided and you are male, so

6:34

I don't know if that's relevant. But

6:37

for 12 years, uh, Jesus in his life

6:39

or not, he beat the hell out of

6:41

his wife. So I'm trying to figure

6:43

out how goose and gander are

6:45

different, but I do appreciate the

6:47

input. Gives me things to think about.

6:49

Gail. Welcome to the program.

6:51

Yes. Go for it. What's

6:54

your analysis and what's

6:56

your opinion? Female 66,

6:58

my opinion is you can

7:00

forgive him but you don't

7:02

go back. There's no going

7:04

back on this. None. I don't

7:07

care. I don't care. There's no

7:09

going back. Why not? I mean he's

7:12

supposedly totally different.

7:16

It doesn't matter. He

7:18

can be totally different

7:20

and you can forgive

7:22

and you can like

7:24

him as a person, but

7:26

you don't go back. Not

7:28

in my opinion. Because?

7:31

Never. Never. Because? I

7:33

know, because? Because it

7:35

could always happen again

7:38

or it doesn't matter

7:40

because. Because is the

7:42

damage is done. Ahhh.

7:44

Damage is done. Okay, thank

7:46

you. Very good input. All

7:49

right. Lily, what's your analysis

7:51

and what's your opinion?

7:53

Well, I'm just a little

7:55

lost on the scenario. Did

7:58

she stay with him this?

8:00

second 12 years that he

8:02

was they've been married 25

8:04

years the first 12 years

8:06

he beat her was a

8:08

drunk and he was mean

8:10

suddenly I don't know

8:13

what precipitated it the art

8:15

letter didn't say he stopped

8:17

drinking and went to church

8:19

and 12 years after quote

8:22

he stopped drinking on that

8:24

day and went to church

8:26

she asked him to leave Well,

8:29

why are we so focused on

8:31

forgiving him and all the great

8:33

things he's doing? What about

8:36

the damage that has occurred

8:38

for the wife, for the

8:40

woman that has endured the

8:42

beating? And, you know, something was

8:44

in it for her, that she

8:46

stayed in for 12 years. Usually,

8:48

stop for a second, stop for

8:50

a second. Pop psych says she

8:52

gets off on it. That is

8:55

bullshit. Real psych says she had

8:57

a bunch of kids. Okay. So

8:59

she endured it like you say

9:01

is endured and you know now

9:03

what now we're supposed to be

9:05

worried about him and his feelings

9:08

and his findings is good for

9:10

him but now it's a time

9:12

for her to go on with

9:14

her life and repair herself because

9:16

she's going to have a lot

9:18

of healing to do still even

9:20

though it was 12 years ago

9:23

because she obviously has never forgiven

9:25

him and how How could she

9:27

really, because has she given, forgiven

9:29

herself? She has work to

9:31

do on herself. Good points. Good

9:33

points, Lily. It would be very

9:36

wonderful if all of a sudden,

9:38

because he found God in 12

9:40

years, he's realized what he did,

9:42

good for him, let the next

9:44

woman take that risk. I love

9:46

that. Thank you, Lily. Well done.

9:49

You guys are sharp. I'm really

9:51

liking this. I like to come up with

9:53

stuff that I get feedback from you folks

9:55

and how you think about things. Whether I

9:57

agree or not is not even relevant.

10:00

interesting when we listen to

10:02

each other, don't you think?

10:04

Okay. Welcome to the program

10:06

and what's your opinion, what's

10:08

your analysis. Well I am

10:10

a long-time sober alcoholic on

10:13

the third try of my

10:15

first marriage, had had the

10:17

papers drawn up twice. First

10:19

time it was my fault,

10:21

the second time it was

10:23

her fault, nobody gets into

10:26

a relationship with an active

10:28

alcoholic. if they don't have

10:30

their own set of problems.

10:32

So I know that, you

10:34

know, most people that are

10:36

in long-term dysfunctional relationships come

10:39

to- Well, wait a minute,

10:41

wait a minute, I don't

10:43

want you to start sounding

10:45

like me. Okay. What I

10:47

want to say is, wait,

10:50

wait, wait, dysfunctional it might

10:52

be, but she never beat

10:54

the crap out of him.

10:57

He beat the crap out

10:59

of her for a dozen

11:01

years. Keep that in mind.

11:03

Nobody asks for that. Children

11:05

or no children, no self-respecting

11:07

whole person would have put

11:09

up with that for that

11:11

long. Okay. I don't care

11:13

if she had... But the

11:15

point is, the point is,

11:18

you're taking the position from

11:20

an alcoholic, okay? So I

11:22

get that. Is it okay?

11:24

She leaves him now? That's

11:26

a tough one. What I'm,

11:28

what is screaming out to

11:30

me is that she needs

11:32

to do her own set

11:34

of work. Should she, I

11:36

don't ask you to be

11:38

my colleague, sir. I'm asking

11:40

you to tell me. No.

11:42

Is it legitimate that she

11:44

leaves him? Yes or no?

11:46

If that's what she needs

11:48

to do to make herself

11:50

whole, then I get... that's

11:52

no I would you know

11:54

I I'm I'm I am

11:56

torn because I like you

11:59

I believe that she has

12:01

made a promise and now

12:03

the no no no no

12:05

no no no no no

12:07

no hey do you hear

12:09

the word no no no

12:11

no no hey do you

12:13

hear the word no no

12:15

I do not stand behind

12:17

vows that somebody breaches when

12:19

they beat their spouse love

12:21

honor cherish kind of excludes

12:23

violence So no, he broke

12:25

the vows. Wow, yeah, I

12:27

agree with that. Broke the

12:29

vows. So don't make it

12:31

her issue. But that's interesting

12:33

how you posited that. And

12:35

it shows if you're having

12:38

a similar experience, like you're

12:40

the drinker, but you're sober

12:42

now, and your marriage almost

12:44

broke up three times, well,

12:46

that's a lot of turmoil

12:48

and problems that need to

12:50

be looked at also. And

12:52

sometimes, you know, after 12

12:54

years. People

12:56

are so stuck in cement. But

12:58

anyway, let's move on. You guys

13:01

are doing a great job, but

13:03

if you're going to drag me

13:06

in, make sure you drag me

13:08

in correctly, okay? I never support

13:10

being beaten. John, welcome to the

13:13

program, and what is your opinion,

13:15

and what is your analysis? Should

13:18

she leave? Is it okay that

13:20

she leaves? It's perfectly okay that

13:22

she leaves when he started beating

13:25

her? he broke the covenant relationship

13:27

like when you said to love

13:30

to honor to cherish he broke

13:32

that covenant relationship right that's pretty

13:34

much how i feel and and

13:37

i agree with everything that lily

13:39

said other than that i really

13:42

can't go beyond that but she's

13:44

perfectly okay leaving well it's been

13:46

12 years of him being sober

13:49

and nice He

13:52

broke to coming in relationship.

13:55

He should be blessed that

13:57

she stayed that 12 years

13:59

afterwards. Thank you. I appreciate

14:01

your input. All right, Debbie,

14:03

what is your opinion? What

14:05

is your analysis? Hey, Dr.

14:08

Laura, I am completely with

14:10

John. I feel like any

14:12

time anybody has taken to

14:14

the offense that he did

14:16

and created that drama and

14:18

broke that vow, I think

14:20

she has the perfect right

14:23

to decide whether she wants

14:25

to stay or go. And

14:27

that's all within her realm

14:29

of what she needs to

14:31

do for herself. But Debbie

14:33

he's being so nice now

14:36

I don't care how nice

14:38

he's being because he wasn't

14:40

so nice for so long

14:42

Okay, all right. Thank you

14:44

Okay, we're gonna take a

14:46

break. This is what we're

14:49

doing in this hour. I'll

14:51

be right back. Dr. Laura's

14:53

deep dive podcast Dr.

14:59

Laura's Lunch Depot Deep Dive podcast.

15:02

Okay, this is what we're doing

15:04

this hour. Got a email from

15:06

a woman who's a friend who's

15:08

a woman married 25 years to

15:11

this guy first 12 years drunk

15:13

and beat her. Pretty consistently and

15:15

was generally mean. Although I think

15:17

beating is kind of mean too.

15:20

All of a sudden, mid-marriage. Doesn't

15:22

drink. Remember, this is a third

15:24

party reporting this. So when you

15:27

think of analysis, we still don't

15:29

know what's going on behind closed

15:31

doors. Anyway, after 12 years, quote,

15:33

of sobriety, quote, and being so

15:36

nice, other people think he's just

15:38

changed and he's so nice that

15:40

the wife said, move out, she's

15:43

done. She's done. My question and

15:45

the writer. wants to know, for

15:47

better or for worse. Shouldn't I

15:49

advise her to stay? So I

15:52

want your opinion. Sandy, thank you

15:54

for waiting. What is your advice?

15:56

What is your opinion? Absolutely, she

15:59

can do what she wants, but

16:01

absolutely she has every right to

16:03

leave. And I'm surprised that she

16:05

would have stayed. longer but I'm

16:08

only thinking it's because she had

16:10

probably children which I still don't

16:12

understand that but that's probably why

16:15

she did it and there's no

16:17

there can't be any trust there

16:19

because to me there's certain lines

16:21

that when you cross as a

16:24

person there's this an evilness about

16:26

you and that would never go

16:28

away that's in him and that

16:30

could come back at any time

16:33

and there's no way she could

16:35

trust this man and I just

16:37

think there's character flaws and there's

16:40

certain ones and certain people that

16:42

when they show that when they

16:44

show that that you need to

16:46

run and get away from somebody

16:49

like that because that is just

16:51

evil that's my opinion I don't

16:53

you can be capable of change

16:56

but there are certain things that

16:58

you can't sir do you believe

17:00

that certain things are unforgettable yes

17:02

good so do I thank you

17:05

and that's one of us advocate

17:07

for a minute Yeah, but everybody's

17:09

telling her. He's such a nice

17:12

man now. Yeah, that's funny. You

17:14

know that the friend that wrote

17:16

the letter, I thought it's funny.

17:18

I really find it disgusting that

17:21

people use religion to manipulate and

17:23

use it as a tool. And

17:25

that's exactly what she did. And

17:28

that's discussing on a whole nother

17:30

level. The whole thing, just I

17:32

don't like the friend. I don't

17:34

like the husband. And unfortunately, it

17:37

sounds like this poor woman. Just.

17:39

is weak. I mean, and I

17:41

don't mean negatively, I mean, he

17:44

probably beat it out of her.

17:46

And then she was a mother

17:48

and had children. to worry about

17:50

and didn't know where to turn

17:53

and maybe she didn't have a

17:55

good foundational family structure from before

17:57

because me that would never happen.

17:59

That would just never happen let

18:02

me tell you but you know

18:04

these poor women that it does

18:06

happen to I I just I

18:09

think that's just pure evil and

18:11

I'm glad you left them. Good

18:13

thank you Sandy that was very

18:15

good so I'm going to play

18:18

a little devinal advocate for you

18:20

guys when you call Lisa what's

18:22

your opinion? What's your analysis? Hi,

18:25

Dr. Lara. My opinion is not

18:27

everything is forgivable. And this poor

18:29

woman is going to spend the

18:31

rest of her life sleeping with

18:34

one eye open, hoping to God

18:36

he doesn't have another drink and

18:38

come home and be her up.

18:41

She needs to go. But everybody

18:43

says he's being so nice. Shouldn't

18:45

she just forgiven for get? You

18:47

can't? You don't have to forgive

18:50

and you're never going to forget.

18:52

Not everything is forgivable. I happen

18:54

to agree with that and thank

18:57

you very much for your call.

18:59

Let's start at the top again.

19:01

Evelyn, welcome to the program and

19:03

what's your opinion? What's your analysis?

19:06

Thank you, Dr. Laura. My opinion,

19:08

first of all, is that yes,

19:10

you can forgive because forgiveness is

19:13

not for the other person. Forgiveness

19:15

is for you so you can

19:17

heal because you need to let

19:19

go of the garbage. But I

19:22

don't believe that she needs to

19:24

stay. And you know, people don't

19:26

understand why sometimes women stay. It

19:28

is not our job to judge

19:31

them. It is our job to

19:33

just help them in our lives

19:35

in any way. But no, she

19:38

can forgive them. Absolutely, she needs

19:40

to because she needs to get

19:42

rid of that. But to take

19:44

him back and live with him,

19:47

no, she does not have to

19:49

be a wife to him. She

19:51

can move on. But

19:54

he's so upset. He's just destroyed.

19:56

Okay. Well, the wonderful thing is

19:58

that he has found the Lord

20:00

again. And since he found the

20:03

Lord again, he can go rest

20:05

in the Lord and trust that

20:07

the Lord will guide him into

20:09

whatever path he's going to have.

20:11

But right now, his consequence to

20:13

the wrong that he did is

20:15

he has lost his wife. Consequence.

20:17

Wow. Yeah, you're the first person

20:19

to use that word. Nice. Okay,

20:21

thank you very much Evelyn. God,

20:23

this is very inspirational and just

20:25

remarkable. You guys are deep, deep,

20:27

I like it. Chantelle, what's your

20:29

analysis? What's your opinion? Yes, thanks

20:31

Dr. Laura for having me. My

20:33

opinion is that she has every

20:35

right to leave whatsoever. My analysis

20:37

is that... This woman was traumatized

20:39

and honestly that's probably why she

20:41

lasts after being there so long

20:43

it was just like I'm sure

20:45

like that's one of the other

20:47

callers that this woman probably slept

20:50

with one eye up you never

20:52

know what was going to happen

20:54

it was just like you know

20:56

if you abuse an animal and

20:58

then you just think that they're

21:00

just going to come to you

21:02

they're going to walk to with

21:04

their tail between their legs or

21:06

like you know what they're still

21:08

love you know like it's just

21:10

he's never going to have any

21:12

I'm sure she stayed that long

21:14

because she probably genuinely loved this

21:16

man, but as spoken before, you

21:18

can forgive or you want, but

21:20

you have to deny access and

21:22

you cannot forget. Deny access. Yeah.

21:24

That was good. You know what

21:26

I'm saying? Yeah, Chantelle, that was

21:28

good. Yeah, I'm sure it was

21:30

hard for her to leave, which

21:32

is what it took her all

21:35

this time in this structure, probably

21:37

to leave. You know what I

21:39

mean? Like that, um, that's essential

21:41

of staying with your capture. You

21:43

know what I mean? But she,

21:45

she left. And honestly. God bless

21:47

her actually coming up with the

21:49

strength to be able to leave

21:51

and God bless this woman and

21:53

you know I wish her well

21:55

and I hope that she keeps

21:57

up the strength to be able

21:59

to stay out of that situation

22:01

that she was put in for

22:03

so long because they're no telling

22:05

what that man did to her

22:07

besides beating her you know because

22:09

a lot of times even her

22:11

husband can rape his wife. Yeah

22:13

it's true. You know it's no

22:15

telling. and endured in all these

22:17

years. So God bless this woman.

22:20

You know what I mean? And

22:22

you know, like I said, I'm

22:24

glad she left and she had

22:26

to muster up the sense. It's

22:28

no telling what type of support

22:30

she did or didn't have. Even

22:32

the person that wrote you the

22:34

letter and said, should she stay

22:36

or shouldn't stay? Honestly, that's not

22:38

a person that was not a

22:40

strong support system that she had.

22:42

Good point. Good point. Chantel, very

22:44

good. I appreciate your call. I

22:46

appreciate your call. I want to

22:48

talk a little bit about behind

22:50

closed doors. Maybe I

22:52

just watched too many movies.

22:55

Maybe I've just been a

22:57

psychotherapist for too long. But

22:59

I'm imagining as he gets

23:01

all this positive support from

23:04

everybody in church. Oh my

23:06

gosh, poor thing. You changed

23:08

your ways. And she's not

23:10

forgiving. That's not a religiously

23:13

Christian thing for her to

23:15

do. You should be rewarded

23:17

for your change. Can you

23:19

imagine him coming home and

23:22

saying, everybody is supporting me?

23:24

Can you imagine what that

23:26

feels like to her? It's

23:28

not just 12 years of

23:31

him not drinking. People who

23:33

have been drunk for most

23:35

of their adult lives don't

23:37

change their personalities and characters

23:40

that quickly if at all.

23:42

Because there's so much maturing

23:44

that never happened, that has

23:46

to happen now. So I'm

23:49

just throwing that into the

23:51

mix. You play with it

23:53

as you will. Don, welcome

23:55

to the program. And what

23:58

is your assessment? What's your

24:00

opinion? Well, it's just. like

24:02

you said who cares what

24:04

a third party saw or

24:06

what they think because this

24:09

this woman's already been damaged

24:11

her entire ideology of what

24:13

a protective husband should be

24:15

has ruined her so that's

24:18

fine that he got right

24:20

with God but if God's

24:22

all merciful I'm sure he

24:24

could forgive her for not

24:27

getting right with her husband.

24:29

Interesting. That's a That's a

24:31

good little twist there. I

24:33

like that one, Don. Nice.

24:36

All right. 1-800-375-2872. Barb. What

24:38

is your analysis? What's your

24:40

opinion? Hi. Well, I'll tell

24:42

you. Having lived this light

24:45

in what I now call

24:47

my previous life, there is

24:49

no reason why she should

24:51

have to stay with them.

24:54

And a lot of that

24:56

might be coming from her

24:58

support system around her. I

25:00

remember going to my parents

25:03

when I was going through

25:05

this many years ago. I'm

25:07

now remarried for 38 years

25:09

and happily with children and

25:12

grandchildren. But at that point

25:14

in my life, I was

25:16

told, you made your bed,

25:18

you lie in it. So

25:21

that woman probably... So

25:24

that woman probably support system

25:26

around her was not giving

25:28

her the advice of how

25:30

to live the next 12

25:33

years of her life with

25:35

Any kind of self-esteem and

25:37

I think in my opinion

25:39

having gone through this good

25:41

for her. She finally got

25:43

her voice Nice Barb, and

25:45

I'm glad you got yours.

25:48

I appreciate that you called

25:50

yeah How many times have

25:52

you folks listened to me

25:54

take a call where a

25:56

woman's eyes say, did your

25:58

mother not say? this probably

26:00

was not a good idea.

26:02

No, she was very supportive

26:05

of me staying with him.

26:07

What? You've heard that. You

26:09

made your bed, you slept

26:11

in it. There's been no

26:13

divorce in our family. Don't

26:15

embarrass us. You know, don't

26:17

want to hear the mess.

26:19

Don't want you to take

26:22

your kids and come here

26:24

and bother our lives. So

26:26

stay in your marriage. You'd

26:28

be surprised how little support.

26:30

And now everybody is swarming

26:32

around him. and just licking

26:34

his toes. You're just found

26:36

God, and now you're wonderful.

26:39

And meanwhile, she's totally traumatized.

26:41

My number, 1,800, 375, 28,

26:43

72, Karen. Welcome to the

26:45

program. What is your opinion,

26:47

and what is your analysis?

26:49

Hi, Dr. Laura. What a

26:51

treat to speak with you.

26:54

Well, my opinion is that

26:56

friend is wrong. Sandy made

26:58

me laugh about what she

27:00

said about the friend a

27:02

few callers ago. And I

27:04

agree with a lot of

27:06

what Sandy said. She said

27:08

a lot of what I

27:11

was thinking that this woman,

27:13

the wife probably waited until

27:15

the kids were adults and

27:17

up and out of the

27:19

house. And it took her

27:21

while to get her courage

27:23

up to leave because she

27:25

probably had a comfortable... She

27:28

had grown comfortable with the

27:30

life that she had with

27:32

this man and the home

27:34

that they had built if

27:36

they had kids, especially. But

27:38

she finally figured out between

27:40

now and dead, how did

27:42

she want to live? And

27:45

living with a man who

27:47

beat her. But Karen, devil's

27:49

advocate, but Karen. He's so

27:51

upset. He's so upset. He's

27:53

so upset. He's so upset!

27:55

Don't we have any compassion

27:57

for how upset he is?

28:02

I'm not sure that I could

28:04

have compassion for a man who

28:06

beat his wife, who got himself

28:08

into that position, whether or not

28:11

he is still mean or beating

28:13

her now, there is still that,

28:15

that she, in her past. Yeah,

28:18

got it. Okay, Karen, thank you

28:20

so much. See? Perfect example of

28:22

how not all Karen's, are weird.

28:24

I know it's become people who

28:27

are annoying are all Karen's. That

28:29

was a perfectly good Karen. All

28:31

right. Shannon, welcome to the program

28:34

and what's your opinion and your

28:36

analysis of the situation. Thank you,

28:38

Dr. Laura. Not all Karen's are

28:40

like her. She's awesome. As a

28:43

dad of a daughter, this has

28:45

got to be a worst case

28:47

scenario. Also a man of God.

28:50

But we got to remember this

28:52

man who beat this woman for

28:54

so many years, he found his

28:56

pivot point was God. That's what

28:59

turned his life around. Great. All

29:01

for that. But we got to

29:03

remember that her pivot point was

29:06

him and being beaten by him.

29:08

And the choice she made, because

29:10

of that, kudos for her. If

29:12

it was my daughter or my

29:15

sister, he wouldn't have that chance.

29:17

He would never have had that

29:19

choice. And I think we need

29:22

to do better. Dads and brothers

29:24

need to do better because she

29:26

clearly wasn't reported correctly, but he

29:28

was her pivot point. So we

29:31

as men need to not stand

29:33

back and not let society dictate

29:35

what's right and wrong. We need

29:38

to protect our women, our daughters,

29:40

and our children. Plan simple. So

29:42

good for her to walk on.

29:44

And that's that's why we need

29:47

alpha men who live to provide

29:49

and protect. Because without that. Women

29:51

get in trouble because men can

29:54

dominate physically. You are wonderful. I

29:56

love you. Shannon. Great. Yes. Dad's

29:58

and brother should be more invested

30:00

in protecting the women folk. Not

30:03

stand back and go, it's my

30:05

pamblem. My God, I'm a woman

30:07

and if I had a daughter

30:10

and this was happening to it.

30:12

I'm not sure they'd find his

30:14

molecules. Okay. Not sure they would.

30:16

Christine. Welcome to the program. What's

30:19

your analysis? What's your opinion? Hi,

30:21

Dr. Laura. So I am someone

30:23

who grew up with a dad

30:26

that was an alcoholic. My father

30:28

was an alcoholic for 20 years.

30:30

He is sober 35 years. I

30:32

have a wonderful relationship with him.

30:35

Unfortunately, I think that my mother

30:37

should have left him. My mother

30:39

is a miserable soul. She is

30:42

someone who is a Christian and

30:44

she has, I'm not sure what

30:46

opinions. She's gotten, I know from

30:48

family members when I was young,

30:51

it was, you know, the same.

30:53

Well, you made your bed, you

30:55

knew he was an alcoholist before

30:58

and you married him. But my

31:00

mother, I guess, has chosen the

31:02

route to torture him. So that's

31:04

pretty much what she does. And

31:07

I've always told my mom. I'm

31:09

laughing. How does she torture him?

31:11

Yeah, she has. She does. You

31:14

know, she's very nasty. She's very

31:16

angry. He's not allowed to do

31:18

this. He's not allowed to do

31:20

that. She's got to follow him

31:23

around. And my mother has said

31:25

to me, and speaking about this

31:27

woman, she should leave, but as

31:30

the kid, I always told my

31:32

mother, you should leave him. And

31:34

she would say, but I'm staying

31:36

for you. No, don't stay for

31:39

me. You're miserable and unhappy. So

31:41

you know what? You're both miserable

31:43

and unhappy. I get along better

31:46

with the alcoholic because you're unbearable

31:48

to deal with. And I don't

31:50

say that in a bad way.

31:52

I'm just saying... that I'm looking

31:55

at it as the parents. If

31:57

I was this woman I would

31:59

leave because... Thank you Christine and

32:02

you're funny. Let's keep this going.

32:04

Your opinion, your advice to a

32:06

woman who was beaten and mistreated

32:08

emotionally obviously for half her marriage

32:11

he then finds the church cleans

32:13

up his act at least that's

32:15

what the friend... sent me. That's

32:18

her perspective that he's a good

32:20

guy. And now the wife asked

32:22

him to leave. Should she forgive

32:24

and stay? Should everything be hunky-dory?

32:27

He's devastated. Give me your opinion.

32:29

I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's

32:31

Deep Dive. Podcast. Deep. Let's get

32:34

back too. Diane. Diane. Analysis? And

32:36

what's your opinion? Hi, Dr. Laura.

32:38

I have a couple of points.

32:40

First one, on the topic of,

32:43

you never know what goes on

32:45

behind closed doors. I grew up

32:47

across the street from a family

32:50

and that dad was an alcoholic.

32:52

And to the outside world, to

32:54

the neighborhood, you would have thought

32:56

he was the most kind, wonderful,

32:59

friendly person in the world. But

33:01

then at night when he'd been

33:03

drinking, you could hear him screaming

33:06

and yelling and raising... hell so

33:08

yeah it's easy to put up

33:10

a good front when you when

33:12

you want to so that's number

33:15

one number two to the alcoholic

33:17

husband kudos for him for getting

33:19

sober and finding the church and

33:22

finding God but if I recall

33:24

part of the 12 steps if

33:26

he's in a 12 step hopefully

33:28

is doing a self inventory and

33:31

looking deep into your soul and

33:33

how you hurt other people and

33:35

what you done to them and

33:38

seeking forgiveness, but doesn't mean that

33:40

everyone you seek forgiveness from is

33:42

going to forgive you and you

33:44

have to learn to accept those

33:47

consequences. I think it's part of

33:49

the healing. So he's going to

33:51

have to learn to deal with

33:54

the fact that he may have

33:56

lost her forever. Thank you. Diane.

33:58

That's it. Don't dismiss it with

34:00

her. That's it. That was terrific.

34:03

Thank you. She made a very

34:05

good point. The last 12 years

34:07

when he's in church. with everybody

34:10

slobbering over him, telling him how

34:12

wonderful he is that he's changed.

34:14

She's watching that and feeling like,

34:16

why were they not slobbering over

34:19

me when he was beating me?

34:21

And now everybody's slobbering over him,

34:23

and really, we don't know if

34:26

he's that much different at home.

34:28

That behavior doesn't change overnight. Linda,

34:30

what's your analysis? What's your opinion?

34:32

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for

34:35

taking my call. I just want

34:37

to just mention that I grew

34:39

up in church and I grew

34:42

up being able to witness how

34:44

amazing God's transformative power is. And

34:46

I do believe that if he

34:48

came to know the Lord in

34:51

a genuine way, that God was

34:53

able to transform him and is

34:55

able to. So I don't want

34:58

to take away from that, but

35:00

I would also like to mention

35:02

and one thing that I think

35:04

is really important is that this

35:07

lady lived with an abuser for

35:09

12 years and we know that

35:11

24 years, I'm so sorry, most

35:14

women that have lived with an

35:16

abuser for so long are so

35:18

used to being abused and majority

35:20

of these women, we know at

35:23

least 70% will go back to

35:25

their abuser. And if she's now

35:27

living with somebody who is no

35:30

longer abusing her and she was

35:32

so used to for so long...

35:34

living in that I feel that

35:36

there's obviously a lot of healing

35:39

that needs to take place in

35:41

her life as well and I

35:43

I do feel that maybe perhaps

35:46

that could be a contributing factor

35:48

to her not wanting to be

35:50

in that home anymore as well

35:52

because this is something completely different

35:55

a different behavior to her and

35:57

I'm Of course, you know, everything

35:59

that happened in her life is

36:02

the reason why, but I feel

36:04

like there would need to be

36:06

a healing for her life. And

36:08

I feel like a separation, you

36:11

know, from him would be the

36:13

best thing. And, you know, if

36:15

you're someone who knows the scripture,

36:18

and I'm referring to in general,

36:20

everybody, you know, we know that

36:22

that there are consequences to our

36:24

sin. And I believe that him

36:27

losing her, you know, is a

36:29

consequence to a decision that he

36:31

made. And so I still believe

36:34

in God's restoring power for that

36:36

marriage, but I feel like her

36:38

leaving would be the best decision

36:40

because they both need to experience

36:43

that healing or that transformation for

36:45

real. That's very sweet, Linda. Rick.

36:47

Welcome to the program. What is

36:50

your analysis? What's your opinion? Doctor,

36:52

listener since 1989. Thank you. probably

36:54

the lady was whatever staying together

36:56

for the kids maybe staying together

36:59

you know to improve herself maybe

37:01

she went to school and she

37:03

couldn't go out and get a

37:06

job or live her life and

37:08

probably got stronger maybe she went

37:10

to therapy or whatever got stronger

37:12

and I'm kind of really upset

37:15

at him that I know I

37:17

got divorced and I'm kind of

37:19

really upset at him that I

37:22

got divorced and because I not

37:24

beating my wife, but keeping on

37:26

her and every time I look

37:28

at her and we see each

37:31

other at family events. But you

37:33

know, I know she can't forget

37:35

and neither do I. And I

37:38

think he should look at it

37:40

like, hey, he remembers and to

37:42

understand. Yes. Oh, I can tell

37:44

you very much. Thank you very

37:47

much, Rick. Yeah, he sounded very

37:49

moved. Okay. Claire. Welcome to the

37:51

program. What's your opinion? Hi, Dr.

37:54

Laura. Well, we don't know her

37:56

situation. She could have been financially

37:58

unstable before she met him. Of

38:00

course, she could have had kids,

38:03

so she had to stay for

38:05

them. But that's also kind of

38:07

a bad thing for the kids

38:10

because now they can be traumatized

38:12

later in life and kind of

38:14

keep the cycle going of like,

38:16

you know, domestic violence and alcoholism.

38:19

But like others have said people

38:21

don't change overnight and just because

38:23

he's not addicted to alcohol doesn't

38:26

mean he can turn to something

38:28

else and be addicted to something

38:30

later. There's lots of things that

38:32

can happen. So and now she

38:35

might be financially stable and she

38:37

has a job now and who's

38:39

to say this like the lady

38:42

before said it could have been

38:44

just a facade like social media.

38:46

Everything looks great and happy in

38:48

the church and everything but in

38:51

real lives she is really still

38:53

getting beaten down. Just put down

38:55

and everything. So. Okay, Claire, thank

38:58

you very much for your analysis.

39:00

I do appreciate it. This was

39:02

great. Thank you very much for

39:04

your input. From time to time,

39:07

I will do this. I don't

39:09

like planning in advance. I kind

39:11

of like the spirit moving me.

39:14

And getting that email, which is

39:16

like, oh yes. Oh yes. We

39:18

have to have everybody's input. The

39:20

other thing I want to say

39:23

is. I've got a real smarty

39:25

pants audience. You guys gave great

39:27

analyses and input. I'm very

39:30

proud of my

39:32

audience. my Very, very

39:34

proud. very proud. So we're

39:36

resorting back to

39:39

our normal. So give

39:41

me a call. Now go

39:43

Now go do

39:46

the right thing. this

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podcast, you like

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