0:00

for downloading my Call of the Day

0:02

podcast. You too can

0:04

participate in my live radio program

0:06

heard weekdays from 2 to

0:09

5 p .m. Eastern Time on

0:11

Sirius XM Triumph 111. Hannah, welcome

0:13

to the program. Hi,

0:15

Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking

0:17

my call. I'm really excited to be speaking

0:19

with you today. Thank you.

0:23

What can I help with? This

0:25

call will be recorded. So

0:27

what I'm calling about

0:29

is I was hoping to

0:31

get your opinion on what

0:34

we owe our

0:36

parents as adult children. Just

0:38

to give you a little

0:40

bit of background, my parents and

0:42

I have been estranged for

0:45

the past five years, kind of

0:47

on and off. And

0:49

basically before that,

0:51

before that, before

0:54

that. You're

0:58

a stranger for five years, but

1:00

before the five years of

1:02

estrangement What was it? We

1:07

had a very

1:09

tumultuous relationship

1:12

because of the

1:14

dysfunction in my parents

1:16

relationship and it

1:19

this started in my early

1:21

childhood because of the

1:23

dysfunction in their relationship, it

1:25

affected me. And so I've

1:27

always been in the middle of all their

1:29

dysfunction is kind of vague. Can you

1:31

tell me what it is you observed? Sure.

1:36

Um, so my dad is very codependent

1:38

with my mom. Oh my, can

1:40

we do this without cycle babble? And

1:42

can we do this and just

1:44

say he kicked the dog? You know,

1:46

I'd like to know specifically not

1:48

what somebody else labels it. Yeah,

1:52

absolutely. So as

1:54

a little girl, he was just

1:56

a very angry dad. He

1:59

had a temper. He

2:02

would often pick

2:04

fights with me. He

2:06

would, I

2:08

want to say, emotional abuse. But what

2:10

I mean by that is just

2:13

the super critical of me, super hard

2:15

on me, even though I never really

2:17

did anything to deserve, like, the

2:20

level that he would escalate it to. You

2:23

know, I always did my homework. I went to school,

2:25

you know, was just like a

2:27

normal kid, but I think because of

2:29

the frustrations. What kinds of things, what

2:31

kinds of things would he yell

2:33

about? What kinds of things

2:36

would he yell about? You've

2:38

been in therapy. So I can

2:40

tell, but just talk to me as though

2:42

you have not ever. Okay. Okay.

2:45

Yeah. That makes sense. um

2:47

so he would just yell

2:49

a lot about um you know

2:51

put away your shoes unload the

2:53

dishwasher um when my brother was

2:55

born when i was 10 years old

2:57

he would yell at me because

2:59

he would want help like taking care

3:02

of my brother so like i was

3:04

10 years old and trying to like

3:06

change ciphers and like feed him and of

3:08

course i wasn't doing it correctly and so he would

3:10

cry and so he would yell at me for

3:12

making my brother cry causing stress

3:14

in the house because At

3:16

the time, my dad was responsible for

3:18

taking care of my brother like when

3:21

I got home from school until he

3:23

went to bed because my mom worked

3:25

at home in a basement in our

3:27

basement in an office like at night.

3:29

So when I was home from school,

3:31

I was also expected to help with my

3:34

brother in taking care of him and I

3:36

never did it the way that my dad

3:38

wanted me to. So he would yell at

3:40

me about that about dishwasher. just

3:42

about so like so dad

3:44

did not have a job

3:46

hello so dad did not

3:48

have a job he did have a

3:50

job so he would they would basically switch so

3:52

he would get home around four or five

3:54

o 'clock and then my mom would go to

3:57

work so he would work full time

3:59

during the day and then he

4:01

would take over when he got home from work

4:03

um okay and they had my brother a

4:06

little bit later in life and like i said

4:08

him and i are 10 years apart so

4:10

um he was And it's not an

4:12

excuse, but he was 40 years old and

4:14

my mom was in her late 30s

4:16

when he was born and just could not

4:18

handle taking care of a newborn at

4:20

that age for them. Okay.

4:31

And at what age did

4:33

you leave the home to go to

4:35

school or run away from home or whatever? When

4:39

I was 18, I went away

4:41

to college and then came home and

4:43

then went to a community college

4:45

after a semester away. And

4:48

that caused a lot of

4:50

problems, um, because my dad

4:52

and I were constantly fighting. Um,

4:55

and he would just fighting

4:57

about what fighting about

4:59

what he

5:01

was, I think he.

5:03

He would just be very critical of me,

5:06

kind of like what I was saying before being

5:08

like, you're not going to be anything. You're

5:10

not going to make it if you do this

5:12

and that. But I think it's,

5:14

and again, I'm talking in therapy terms, but

5:16

I think it's because he dropped out of

5:18

high school and made a lot of mistakes.

5:20

And so he was afraid that I was

5:22

going to do the same thing. But my

5:24

life trajectory up to that point had not

5:26

even closely mirrored his. I graduated from high

5:28

school. I was going to college. I was working

5:31

three jobs. And I was living at

5:33

home, but, you know, I was still

5:35

being productive while also going to school. But

5:37

that's just kind of the overall theme

5:39

of my life is he's always been hard

5:41

on me because he's been afraid you

5:43

haven't mentioned your mother once said she had

5:45

any input into your life at all.

5:47

You haven't mentioned it seems very dad oriented.

5:50

Oh, yeah, we'll get to her. Oh,

5:52

no. OK, stop, stop, stop,

5:54

stop, stop, stop. So we

5:56

originally you suggest. What are

5:58

we going to talk about that

6:00

you haven't talked about in therapy? I'm

6:06

more just giving you background so

6:08

that I can kind of explain. No,

6:10

I mean for the whole call.

6:12

No, I mean the subject matter you

6:14

called with. What are we

6:17

going to talk about that you have

6:19

not talked about in therapy? Oh,

6:21

I talked about all this in therapy.

6:23

I know why they acted the way that

6:25

they did. I'm asking you, you just

6:27

made a call to me. What

6:29

is it you want to talk about

6:31

to me that you have not talked

6:34

about in therapy? Yeah,

6:36

that makes sense. So

6:38

what my question is to

6:41

you is at this point,

6:44

what do I what do I

6:46

owe my parents as an adult

6:48

child? Because I'm estranged from them.

6:50

not because of the things that

6:52

have happened in the past. Okay,

6:54

so you have not talked about

6:56

estrangement or obligations in the therapy? I

7:00

have, but like I kind of

7:02

had like a shitty experience with

7:04

therapy. Nobody's straightforward like you or

7:06

like actually give like concrete advice.

7:08

So I basically just like they're

7:10

just like, oh, that's really hard.

7:12

I've gone to a lot of

7:14

different there. Okay. I'll

7:16

answer your question without hearing any more

7:19

background. You owe them to make sure they

7:21

have a roof over their head, clothes

7:23

on their back, food in their tummy, and

7:25

medicine if they need it. Those

7:28

are your obligations. That's

7:34

it. Yeah. Okay.

7:38

Yeah, I think I struggle with

7:40

guilt. Because it'd be a

7:43

strange okay. No, no,

7:45

no, you're not struggling with

7:47

guilt. You're struggling with loss

7:49

Okay You don't have a

7:51

mommy and a daddy. Yeah

7:53

So part of you. Yeah.

7:55

No, I don't know wants

7:58

that. That's right. And we

8:00

don't we don't easily give

8:02

up wanting that So it's

8:04

not guilt. Yeah, nothing

8:06

to do with guilt.

8:08

It has to do

8:10

with It hurts your

8:12

heart not to have

8:14

mommy and daddy Yeah,

8:16

I Well, I guess

8:18

I feel like it's

8:20

guilt because I don't

8:22

want I don't want

8:24

to hear your excuse.

8:26

I'm you called a

8:28

therapist to help you

8:31

Because you think it's

8:33

guilt doesn't make it

8:35

guilt Okay, yeah It's

8:37

called need desire Okay

8:40

loss hurt fantasies of a

8:42

mommy and a daddy you

8:44

could turn to Mm -hmm

8:47

Yep Yep, and I have

8:49

a baby now So I'm

8:51

learning well I kind of

8:53

had an idea of what

8:55

it meant to be a

8:57

parent because I took care

8:59

of my brother a lot

9:01

But now with my own

9:03

child you know, we've made

9:06

the decision, I just don't

9:08

want him to be a

9:10

part of that dysfunction that

9:12

I grew up with because...

9:14

That's fine. That's the kind

9:16

of decision a mature woman -wife

9:18

-mother needs to make to

9:20

protect her children. Not

9:22

as vengeance, but as protection. Yeah.

9:27

And really why...

9:29

Did I adequately

9:31

answer your question? Yeah,

9:35

I think so. Yeah,

9:37

I really I love how

9:39

traditionally you are and

9:41

straightforward and so I just

9:43

wanted to hear about

9:45

it from somebody here's somebody's

9:48

opinion that I respected

9:50

Yeah, it's it's a hole

9:52

in your heart that

9:54

you'll always have but at

9:56

least You have a

9:58

kid so your child helps

10:00

you fulfill the mother,

10:02

child, father, child, the

10:04

second time around, except you're the parent this

10:07

time. You're not the

10:09

kid. You're the parent. And now

10:11

you can create the beautiful atmosphere so

10:13

your kid doesn't call me in

10:15

18 years. My

10:17

number, 1 -800

10:19

-375 -2872. If you

10:21

like this podcast, be sure to

10:23

rate it on Apple Podcasts or your

10:26

favorite place to listen to podcast. Of

10:28

course, I'd love if you gave

10:30

me five stars. And be

10:32

sure to share this podcast with a

10:34

friend on Facebook or your preferred social media

10:37

platform.