0:00

This is a global

0:02

player original podcast. Ed

0:04

Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

0:06

Brilliant X. Hello and

0:09

welcome to the Ed Gamble

0:11

and Matthew Crosby show podcast

0:13

of the radio show that

0:15

we do. It's a double-layered

0:17

format. Yes it is. We're

0:19

playing 4D chess here aren't

0:22

we? We're very smart. What

0:24

does that mean? Yeah, what

0:26

is that? and 4D chess

0:28

is... It's when you go

0:30

up as well, I think

0:32

it's a multi-layered board. That's

0:34

right, yeah, yeah. So it's

0:36

like, is that right? I

0:38

think so, is the chess... Because

0:41

isn't 3D, that would... To me,

0:43

that is also 3D chess. It's

0:46

3D, 4D chess, confusingly is 3D

0:48

as well. Yeah. Because 4D chess

0:50

would suggest you're also playing with

0:52

time. Well, when I went to

0:54

see Shrek... Shrek... 5D? I think

0:57

that the fifth dimension was you

0:59

got squirted in the face when

1:01

don't he sneezed. So it's somewhere

1:03

between time and being sneezed in

1:05

the first. What was the fourth

1:08

one? Smell? Possibly, possibly it was

1:10

smell. But then these are the senses.

1:12

These are the dimensions. Yeah, that's 40

1:14

chest to me. Did the seats rumble

1:16

and stuff? Yeah, yeah, they gave a

1:19

little wiggle and stuff. Yeah, I love

1:21

all that. I love that. Maybe that's

1:23

what happens with... 40 chess, then maybe

1:25

a seat wiggle around when the horse

1:27

is, when the horses gallop. And it

1:30

feels like mice are running past your

1:32

feet, you get a little puff of

1:34

air and a little puff of vapor

1:36

and stuff like that. Yeah, it felt

1:39

like it really did. Yeah, you know

1:41

the the mice who, the three blind

1:43

mice, when they thought you were talking

1:45

about chess, yes, so we were. Well

1:48

I was talking about chess, yeah, but

1:50

I was talking about a Shrek, yeah.

1:52

No I don't think that. Because they're

1:54

in a castle right? I suppose you could get

1:56

mice in a castle. Are they in a

1:58

castle? There are castles. I don't think

2:01

they're all in the castle. Is

2:03

that is that the car? So

2:05

you imagine that the the chess

2:07

board is like the castle grounds

2:09

and these are all characters in the

2:11

in the castle moving about. I guess

2:13

if I had to be pushed on

2:16

it I think it's a good point.

2:18

What is chess? What is chess? I

2:20

don't know what it is. It's a

2:22

battle happening outside the battlefield. But then

2:25

why have the opposing if the if...

2:27

Say the black pieces are attacking the white

2:29

pieces castle. Why have they brought their

2:31

own castles with them? And how can you

2:33

move the castles around? Yeah, the castle, there

2:35

are castles in it. Maybe, you know, like

2:37

when you move to a new house and

2:39

you like take your sofa or your bed or

2:41

whatever. You brought your turrets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically.

2:44

When you're showing, is that what they are? Well

2:46

that's confusing isn't it? Because a rook

2:48

and a castle are not interchangeable. Yeah,

2:50

rooks are, rooks are birds aren't they?

2:52

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And castles

2:55

are made of bricks and stone and

2:57

stuff. Yeah, yeah, okay. Just wanted to

2:59

check, I was on the right page

3:01

there. You like this sort of thing,

3:03

stay tuned. With what? Very thick stuff.

3:06

I've never really played a full game

3:08

of chess, I don't think. No, I

3:10

don't think I have either. It seems,

3:13

it seems complicated complicated. And it always

3:15

feels like it's too late in the

3:17

game for that now. It feels too

3:19

late in the game to get into

3:22

something where you know that there are

3:24

sort of genius 14 year olds who

3:26

are going to be so much better

3:29

than you'll ever be. Yeah, but also

3:31

I just don't care. You don't care

3:33

about chess? No. I do see

3:35

myself in years to come in. Moving

3:37

a little guy and then slapping

3:40

a little guy. I like the idea of

3:42

being an old man in a sort of

3:44

piazza. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, in the future.

3:46

I mean, I've got the old man in

3:49

the park bit down. The chess is the

3:51

bit. At the moment, you just sat there

3:53

with a little bit. Listen, no, I'm

3:55

not. Can I just put pay to the

3:57

room and I sit in the park and...

4:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is,

4:02

couldn't be further from the

4:04

truth. I'm always going for

4:07

a jog. Anyway, and not,

4:09

you know, not one of those,

4:12

not one of those jugs. Drug.

4:14

Yeah, I bring my shit, but

4:16

they're, they're, they're holding my, uh,

4:18

my, yes, they are, but that's

4:21

how I, as I sort of

4:23

spur myself on to get a

4:25

PB. Spur. So I've got myself

4:27

off to get a BB. Yeah.

4:30

BB perfect. Of course. Anyway, we've

4:32

had some wonderful messages. That all

4:34

coming out then? No, no, no.

4:37

Yeah, good. Staying in. Good, good,

4:39

good, good. Few bleeps. A few

4:41

bleeps. There becomes almost nonsensical. And then

4:43

yeah. Yeah. Well, welcome to the show

4:46

everybody. We've had this message in from

4:48

Jack in Leeds. Things that aren't what

4:50

they technically are. Just been listening to

4:52

this week show and they couldn't agree

4:54

more. Calling Big Bend the clock, consider

4:56

the bell, is absolutely the right way

4:59

to go. Thank you. It's always the

5:01

same people who insist on correcting it

5:03

too, isn't it? Like there's some sort

5:05

of, like there on some sort of

5:07

personal mission to make everyone else feel

5:09

daft. Yeah. The other example of that

5:12

is the monster, isn't it? Dr. Who?

5:14

He's not called Dr. Who, he's

5:16

called the Doctor Who, he's called

5:18

the Doctor Who, of course. And

5:21

we all know what you mean.

5:23

Like when you say Frankenstein, we

5:25

all know what you mean. If

5:28

there was a newspaper article saying,

5:30

who's going to be the next

5:33

doctor? Come on, it's too confusing.

5:35

It's too confusing. There's so many

5:37

doctors. Who's going to be the

5:40

next doctor? Come on, it's too

5:42

confusing. Tanoi, yeah, that's, I mean, it's

5:44

brand names, isn't it? Brand names, isn't it?

5:46

Brand names that have become the thing. Cella

5:49

tape, still, sticky tape, who's ever said that?

5:51

Pass me the sticky tape. We'll love to

5:53

hear what other things people have completely rebranded

5:55

in their heads from Jack in Leeds. Thank you,

5:57

Jack. Get in touch, Sunday at Radio X.co, UK.

6:00

It was a fun show today, we've got a here

6:02

show on the show. Yes, fantastic comedian, always fun to

6:04

have her here on the show. Yes, we've got a

6:06

fantastic comedian here, Shah, yes, go and see him if

6:08

you, if he's coming to your town, if he's coming

6:10

to Colchester, go and see him. It's a good show,

6:12

I've seen that show. I enjoyed it. I saw

6:14

it at Sothea Theatre. It won the award.

6:17

It won the awards, didn't it? Yeah, my

6:19

parents went and saw it in Edinburgh and

6:21

they absolutely loved it and they still talk

6:24

about it. Why can't you be more like

6:26

a here Shah? If it's got the Mosby

6:28

and Sultan, uh, the scene of approval is

6:30

like the old Rich and Judy book club.

6:33

It really is. Yeah. Yeah, you get that

6:35

approval. You're winning the awards. It's

6:37

also recommended by my aunt

6:39

and uncle uncle uncle. There we go. He's

6:41

a family favorite. We should have said this

6:43

too many was here really. I've just realized

6:45

as well we were going to ask him

6:47

a question that we didn't ask him but

6:49

we'll have to have him back. Yeah, I'm

6:51

sure. How do you win the award? How

6:53

do you win the comedy award? Yeah, that's

6:56

the big question. That's why you haven't won

6:58

it because when the opportunity avails itself.

7:00

I just don't see these opportunities right

7:02

in front of me and grab them

7:04

with both hands. I'm not hungry enough

7:06

is the problem enough is the problem.

7:09

After the success of my impersonations

7:11

last week, I thought I'd

7:13

begin the Ed Gamble and

7:16

Matthew Crosby Radio Show on

7:18

Radio X by telling you

7:20

a little story about the

7:22

last Showbiz party I attended.

7:25

As I slipped past the

7:27

velvet rope and entered the

7:29

majestic ballroom of the VIP

7:31

section of Show Business HQ.

7:34

I was amazed to see

7:36

so many famous faces. Donald

7:38

Trump. Oh God. Hello, it's

7:40

me. Donald Trump. Are you

7:43

sure that's Donald Trump? It's,

7:45

yeah, it's Donald Trump was there.

7:47

But you'll never guess who else

7:50

was next to? Hello, it's me.

7:52

Hello. Never guess who is next

7:54

to him. Care Starmer. Leave my

7:57

lips. I'm cutting your winter fuel

7:59

allowance. And is it a more

8:01

awful showbiz party? And Robert De Niro?

8:03

Are you talking to me? I hope

8:06

so, because I'm Robert De Niro, and

8:08

I love to have conversations. Up on

8:10

stage was a selection of the top...

8:13

All Vic and Bob characters. The top

8:15

musical performers. Let me just look, don't

8:17

interrupt me because I'm trying to get

8:19

into it. It's quite hard to do

8:22

all these impressions. I think I've nailed

8:24

the first three, but I'm going to

8:26

be all right for that. Okay, here

8:29

we go. Liam Gallagher, Liam Gallagher

8:31

was up on stage. How

8:33

old old fellas? What are

8:35

you thinking? Give me a

8:37

wall, a glass! The ab

8:39

of voyage, holograms were there.

8:41

Hello from all four of

8:43

us. Waterloo and Jerry Seinfeld

8:45

who had us all laughing

8:47

when he asked. He's written

8:49

this. What's the deal with

8:51

big? What's the deal with

8:53

big celebrity parties? Michael Kane

8:55

was having difficulty getting admittance

8:57

and had to keep telling

8:59

the bouncers, my name is Michael

9:01

Kane. That's not what's okay. Do

9:03

you know what that one was

9:06

all right? And Arnold Schwarzenegger had

9:08

to knit out for a bit,

9:10

but promised us, I'll return later.

9:12

But the biggest surprise of the

9:14

night came when who should burst

9:16

out of the cake wearing nothing

9:18

but a knitted bikini. Good evening

9:20

everyone. My name is Ludwig. It

9:22

really was the most wonderful night.

9:24

You've got to say the names

9:26

earlier because... Good evening from me,

9:28

Lord Whig. My name is Lord

9:30

Whig. Well, I hope my

9:33

silly celebrity impressions brought a

9:35

smile to your face this

9:37

Sunday morning. Not at all.

9:39

Next on Radio X. Here's

9:41

my impression of Gary Lightbody.

9:43

Performing Stope patrols, you're

9:46

all I have. Play the

9:48

karaoke track. Radio X. Ed

9:50

Gamble and Matthew Crosby. Thank

9:52

you for that intro Matthew. Thank

9:54

you Ed. I cannot believe how

9:57

individually terrible all of those impressions

9:59

were. So I wrote that this

10:01

morning on the way in. What

10:04

astonishes me about this is people

10:06

will not realise that you wrote

10:08

that. You're reading it off. Riffing

10:10

it. It was literally like, how do,

10:12

what do you think of my wall

10:14

of glass, move on? Hello, my name

10:16

is Ludwig. All you need to do,

10:18

decide, what do you think of my

10:21

wall of glass, move on? Hello, my

10:23

name is Ludwig. All you need to

10:25

do is decide who. Really, really rushed.

10:27

perform a magic trick. And they are

10:29

sort of surprised after they've done it

10:31

that it didn't work. Yes. That was

10:33

how I felt. I felt like one

10:35

of my kids performing a magic trick

10:37

for me because I didn't try any

10:39

of the impressions before I began that. No,

10:41

of course not. Why would you do that?

10:43

Why would I practice that? I simply didn't

10:45

have the time and crucially I don't want

10:48

to ruin my Uber rating. Yeah. by sitting

10:50

in the background, my name is Michael Kane,

10:52

over and over again. Well, they'd be like,

10:54

well, this is not an over for you.

10:56

This is maybe for Matthew Crosby. Exactly. Get

10:58

out. So what I did is I just

11:00

thought, I'll just get to each one and

11:03

hopefully there'll be a fair wind behind me

11:05

and I'll nail each one. and I felt

11:07

bad about them all. Who can't do an

11:09

Arnold Schwarzenegger? There was a fair wind in

11:11

front of you, sadly. Who can't do Arnold

11:13

Schwarzenegger? I mean, that was one of your

11:15

best. Was it? Yeah. I can't wait to

11:18

listen back. I really can't wait to, but

11:20

yeah, so I... It's terrible. Were there any

11:22

impressions that you thought you were going to

11:24

put in there, but you didn't get to,

11:26

or that you discounted, early doors? We had

11:28

an email in earlier in the week, someone

11:30

else for Joe Pasquole, someone else for Joe

11:32

Pasqually. I don't know if you can do

11:34

that. No, you can't. It's a genius. You

11:37

can't. I can't come close to Pasquale. I

11:39

love, you know, obviously. You

11:41

know, I love Pasquale, squeaky.

11:43

Fantastic man. But no, I

11:45

can't, I wouldn't want to

11:47

embarrass him. I've got no

11:49

problem with Teniro and Kirsta.

11:52

Well, you really took it

11:54

to Trump as well. Weirdly,

11:56

the Trump one was worse

11:58

than last week. Yeah. Donald

12:00

Trump. Oh yes, it's me,

12:02

Donald Trump. Thank you everybody

12:04

for making me the 46th

12:06

president of the United States.

12:09

You're adding some stuff to

12:11

it, which doesn't need to

12:13

be there. Okay. Okay. It's

12:15

not, you don't say that.

12:17

That was Lenny Henry. It was

12:19

one at the end. I bet Lenny Henry's got a

12:21

great Trump. Oh, I bet you he does. Yeah, you

12:23

know what? It's a shame he's not got his own

12:25

sketch show on TV because he would do a, he

12:27

would do an absolutely brilliant Trump. Anyway, more's the pity.

12:29

Yes. This show is, you've taken over this show. I

12:31

can't believe I'm letting you getting away with it. I

12:33

know it's terrible, isn't it? It's Lenny Henry was on

12:35

TV now, he'd have a great Trump. Robbie Jay and

12:37

the machine. Radio X. Big show today? It's always a

12:39

big show, Matthew, come on. I mean we've already had

12:41

many many guests. Oh my goodness, Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. But

12:44

we've got another guest. The Seinfeld was awful. It was

12:46

awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was awful.

12:48

It was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was

12:50

awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It

12:52

was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was awful.

12:54

It was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was

12:56

awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It

12:58

was awful. It was awful. It was awful. It was awful.

13:00

It was awful. It was awful. It was awful Often you

13:02

do this where you only practice things in your head. Yeah.

13:04

And then... My head is no rehearsal

13:06

space. No, it's not. I'm the same

13:08

with impressions and quite often jokes. You

13:11

do them in your head, you imagine

13:13

an audience laughing. And then you get

13:15

out there, they're like, this audience aren't

13:18

doing the same as my brain audience.

13:20

I think they... I think people who

13:22

listen to that at home will be

13:24

laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.

13:27

They'll be laughing as they switch. Yes.

13:29

I guess so yeah. Yeah they're not changing,

13:31

they're not changing. They're turning off the

13:33

medium. They're turning off all the electricity

13:35

in their house and freezing to death.

13:38

Yeah, exactly. They're going off grid. They're

13:40

going off good for this. We've got

13:42

a fantastic real-life guest coming in. I

13:44

hear Shara's coming in. Absolutely brilliant stand-up

13:46

comedian, wonderful man. He's been on the

13:48

show before. He's an award winner. He

13:51

won the Edinburgh Comedy Award. He's very

13:53

good at political comedy as well. Can

13:55

he do any impressions? Well no, I

13:57

think you should do your Trump for

13:59

him. See if you can work out who

14:02

it. I mean a lot of the

14:04

time I do start my impressions with

14:06

I'm Donald Trump. Yeah Even when it's

14:08

not Donald Trump you start with that.

14:10

I'm Donald Trump and I'm cutting you

14:12

a window fuel allowing. The show that

14:14

he's touring is quite heavily concerned with

14:17

Rishi Sunak isn't it? Yeah I'm not

14:19

doing him. Not doing him. I'm not...

14:21

Why did you try to trick me

14:23

into that? Why did you try and

14:25

trick me into that? I'm not doing

14:27

him. But maybe a hair can do

14:30

a Ritchie scene out for us. Do

14:32

you think he can do any... Don't

14:34

if you should ask him too? No.

14:36

Go on. Do it's a Ritchie. Ed

14:38

Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X.

14:40

Do you remember the High Street Hunnies?

14:43

Ed Gamble and a little Maddy C.

14:45

Hello there everybody. It's Maddy C from

14:47

Beckenham. You know my daughter had her...

14:49

Ed Gamble from London. And EdGamble from

14:51

London, of course. Yeah. My daughter had

14:53

a school trip this week. In and

14:55

around London. In London. Yeah. In and

14:58

around London. They walked up to be

15:00

in London. Well they walked up and

15:02

down Beckenham High Street. That's what they

15:04

did. It was the David Bowie. and

15:06

David Bowie's from Beckenham. So they do

15:08

a little tour of these sort of

15:11

Beckenham sites with the school kids, sort

15:13

of teach him about David Bowie, one

15:15

of Becken's, famous sons. You get to

15:17

go and see the Bowie Bandstand way

15:19

before. Did she care? Oh yeah, the

15:21

kids care about that sort of thing.

15:24

They care about pop music. I mean,

15:26

she didn't really know... It may as

15:28

well be Beethoven for them. No, but

15:30

here's the thing. She's learning about the

15:32

past. She's learning about the past. It's

15:34

sort of history lesson, but also a

15:36

lesson in pop culture. And she was

15:39

telling me ahead of the trip. She

15:41

was saying... Are we going to walk

15:43

past Zeez's in Beckenham? Because I don't

15:45

know if you know, folks, outside the

15:47

Zeez's in Beckenham. Is that where Prince

15:49

Andrew went? It's no, no, no. That

15:52

was Peter Express woking. Yeah, yeah. Easy

15:54

mistake to make. Absolutely, no. Zeez, and

15:56

Zeez's in Salisbury was where the two

15:58

Russian guys went to, you know. Novichok,

16:00

everybody, yes. I've met the lady who

16:02

worked for the council who prevented the

16:05

spread. Really, have you? One guest on

16:07

Great British menu, yes. That's fantastic. Well,

16:09

hats off to her. I asked her

16:11

whether they'd done any plans for alien

16:13

attacks. Because that's the next step, isn't

16:15

it? You've got to be thinking, once

16:17

you've had you know of a chalk,

16:20

you've got your aliens and your zombies.

16:22

and then of course you know you're

16:24

just your general apocalypse yeah yeah yeah

16:26

general apocalypse where all the all the

16:28

mutants sort of want to fight you

16:30

what's the thing calls when they say

16:33

it's going to happen when God like

16:35

just sucks everyone up the rapture the

16:37

rapture yeah of course yeah yeah the

16:39

rapture to come the rapture to come

16:41

and people frantically kneeling down and saying

16:43

the lord's prayer hoping that a last

16:46

minute because I mean presumably you can

16:48

can can't you if you see the

16:50

raptures about to start you can repent

16:52

and be... I think that's the idea

16:54

behind it, yeah. Surely. Yeah, yeah. It's

16:56

a recruitment drive for God, isn't it?

16:59

What if they misheard it and it's

17:01

actually the raptor? Oh no, clever girl.

17:03

Anyway, how did the school trip go?

17:05

Well, it went well. So there's a

17:07

big, a lad insane sort of lightning

17:09

stripe on the pavement outside of Zeez

17:11

in Beckenam. She was telling me about

17:14

this and she said, did you know

17:16

the reason that's there? And I thought,

17:18

well, it's because he played one of

17:20

his first ever gigs in the building

17:22

that's now as easy. He said, do

17:24

you know the reason that's there is

17:27

because that's where David Barry died. And

17:29

I said, he died there, really. And

17:31

she said, yeah, he was... He was

17:33

shot by a hunter with a bow

17:35

and arrow. I love how obsessed with

17:37

death she is. Yeah, she really, she

17:40

really is to death. She told her

17:42

about the rapture, she'd love it. But

17:44

yeah, she's, she said... Hot, shot by

17:46

a hunter with a bow and arrow

17:48

and I said, well what was he

17:50

doing? She went, oh. I'm only trying

17:52

to get to Sainsbury. So by the

17:55

way, this is a public service announcement

17:57

guys. If you are heading to Beckenham

17:59

High Street, be safe. Be safe. Be

18:01

safe. There's houses on there. I would

18:03

say wear a full suit of armour.

18:05

Yeah. Because the thing is about back

18:08

in them. It may not be in

18:10

London, but someone is currently playing a

18:12

game of germanji. That's true. Yeah. As

18:14

a constant game of germanji, watch out

18:16

for the Rhinos guys. This is the

18:18

one that's. Watch out for them as

18:21

well, guys. Here on Radio X. Radio

18:23

X. I don't know. The one bats

18:25

there fresh from the roarding through Beckenham

18:27

High Street. It said gambler Matthew Crosby

18:29

on Radio X. So much to come

18:31

in today's show. We have the wonderful

18:33

Ahir Shah joining us in the studio

18:36

to talk about his latest stand-up tour.

18:38

And of course Matthew, we're going to

18:40

be doing our embarrassing, not-embarrassing feature. Lots

18:42

of people have got in contact to

18:44

give us things that shouldn't be embarrassing.

18:46

but are embarrassing. I saw it yesterday,

18:49

I saw one of the, from a

18:51

couple of episodes ago we talked about

18:53

pressing the button on the train before

18:55

it's ready to be pressed. I saw

18:57

a guy do it this morning and

18:59

he looked like he wanted to fall

19:02

onto the tracks afterwards because he was

19:04

genuinely, he sort of turned around to

19:06

everyone else like, like, oh, like, oh,

19:08

so this is a real problem isn't

19:10

it? They're often, public transport connected I'd

19:12

say. It's because you're out around loads

19:14

of loads of loads of people. is

19:17

slowing down to stop and you don't

19:19

fall over you just start, have to

19:21

start running slightly. Yeah, when the bus

19:23

dictates your pace, that's bad news. When

19:25

the bus, you're like, I'm a human

19:27

being and my pace is being dictated

19:30

by a bus. I'm being controlled by

19:32

the machines. This is like Transformers and

19:34

I don't like AI. I don't like

19:36

AI, we don't like AI. Radio. Ed

19:40

Gamble and Matthew Crosby. This is from

19:42

Laura in Kansas City. Going from a

19:45

cold outside into a hot pub and

19:47

your glasses fog up. Oh yeah. Makes

19:49

me feel like a ripe Burke. Yeah,

19:52

it's really good. I mean, I once

19:54

did a gig in Dubai with Josh

19:56

Widdicam. Oh no. And we went from

19:59

the hotel to a sport. bar across

20:01

the street and his glasses were undefogable.

20:03

He can't handle the heat. generally, but

20:06

the change in temperature, I can't see.

20:08

What did it do for his hair

20:10

as well? I imagine he's somebody who

20:13

absolutely frizzes in the heat. You think

20:15

he's a moniker? I think he's a

20:17

moniker, yeah. I think his whole body

20:20

frizzes up. His head, his skin starts

20:22

to peel, his hair razzes up, his

20:24

hair frazes up, his glasses up, his

20:27

glasses up, his glasses up, his glasses

20:29

up. Yeah, really really awful. Thanks Laura.

20:31

Thank you Laura. This one I really

20:34

love, it's from Maisey, from Manchester. On

20:36

the topic of non-embarrassing things that are

20:38

actually embarrassing, a woman came into work

20:40

this week with the fur lining from

20:43

her hood of her coat, hanging half

20:45

off from the poppers. I was mortified

20:47

on her behalf because of something so

20:50

normal, but I couldn't get over it.

20:52

It's a bit like your bag being

20:54

undone. If someone tells you your bag's

20:57

undone, oh, forget it. We want to

20:59

throw the bag away. Well, those are

21:01

the old school versions of the torture

21:04

on your torture on your phone being

21:06

on your phone being on. Oh yeah,

21:08

absolutely. The analog version of that. So

21:11

embarrassing. He's like, my life's together, I've

21:13

got my life together. This is just

21:15

a blip. This is a blip. Andrew

21:18

said it's a few, but this is

21:20

the one that really struck me. Had

21:22

to get passport photos done on a

21:25

photo booth in a busy station concourse,

21:27

just knowing everyone looking at my legs

21:29

poking down under that little curtain. Get

21:32

full length curtains for the passport piece

21:34

guys. Come on guys, you've got a

21:36

bit of money, you've charged us seven

21:39

quid for the photos, you must be

21:41

able to find a bit more fabric.

21:43

Because the other embarrassing thing is, you

21:46

could always, I guess you could counter

21:48

that by sitting Chris Cross Apple sauce

21:50

on it. You know, if you sat

21:53

cross-legged on there. These passport folks have

21:55

got a lot of rules. I had

21:57

to get some done done recently. What

22:00

shouldn't be embarrassing but is embarrassing from

22:02

Robin Stockport when the bar staff are

22:04

collecting glasses and they ask if you've

22:06

finished but you haven't there's a sip

22:09

left and you want it somehow mortifying

22:11

and marginally more so if they just

22:13

taken it yeah without asking and the

22:16

problem is the only thing I do

22:18

in that situation is rather than going,

22:20

no I'm still drinking this, and then

22:23

they walk off, and they can come

22:25

and get the glass later, I will

22:27

go, no, no, no, no, and neck

22:30

the last bit and then gives them

22:32

the glass. Just chin the dregs, yeah.

22:34

Chin it, and it's so embarrassing. One

22:37

more from James, this is funny, showing

22:39

a photo to the hairdresser. I just

22:41

want Robert Patinson's hair, but it's so

22:44

embarrassing. Let me go to the hairdresser,

22:46

get these people and you think like,

22:48

listen, everybody wants to have sex with

22:51

Adam Driver. It's just not going to

22:53

happen, all right? Only very few people

22:55

get to do it. Yeah, because you're

22:58

not, you feel like you're asking them

23:00

to cut your face, a new shape.

23:02

Can you do everything? Can you do?

23:05

Is there anything you can do to

23:07

make me look, just not me anymore?

23:09

Can you cut some muscles into me,

23:12

please? Radio X. It's Matthew Crosby and

23:14

we're delighted to be joined by the

23:16

only guest that we need on today's

23:19

show. Correct. It's the brilliant Ahir Shah.

23:21

Hire here, how are you doing? Good

23:23

morning, I'm very well and yeah, hearing

23:26

just those chords is very like... I'm

23:28

in high school, everything's possible. Yes, you're

23:30

very young, we get it. We get

23:33

it. You're much much younger than me.

23:35

I was finishing university when that came

23:37

out. Matthew hears those chords and thinks,

23:39

oh, that was my first arthritis type.

23:42

So here, you're off on tour. Yes.

23:44

With a show called Ahearsha ends. Yes,

23:46

exactly. Now, put pay to the roommates.

23:49

But it's called ends. But it's not

23:51

a hearsha. This is not your final,

23:53

not, yeah, I know a hearsha is,

23:56

yes. But if you look at the

23:58

poster, it says a hearsha ends. Yeah.

24:00

Yeah. Yeah. This is not the end

24:03

of a hearsha. You're not retiring the

24:05

character. There was lots of discussion during

24:07

the design for everything where it's like,

24:10

like. I don't want people thinking that

24:12

it's like terminal. All I want to

24:14

check is that you're okay. Yeah. His

24:17

final wish is for you to come

24:19

to this. I might sell more tickets.

24:21

Yeah, exactly. We'll put it out there.

24:24

Yeah. Yeah. Catch it while you can.

24:26

If we could go back in time

24:28

and tell the people of Colchester that

24:31

I'm dying. And therefore it has to

24:33

be his part. Yeah, they're great people.

24:35

Let's not blot your copybook and culture,

24:38

to put the next tour, shall we?

24:40

Nothing I like more than a show

24:42

in a big church. Oh yeah. It

24:45

was absolutely made for comedy, wasn't it?

24:47

It's absolutely made for good lolled, the

24:49

art center. So yeah, tell us a

24:52

little bit about the show, if it's

24:54

not about you dying. No, it's not

24:56

about me dying. It's sort of trying

24:59

to tell the story of 60 years

25:01

and 60 minutes, basically, starting with my

25:03

grandad's life who was the first member

25:05

of... our family to come to the

25:08

United Kingdom in 1964 and continuing to

25:10

the present day and yeah trying to

25:12

trying to condense that into a comedy

25:15

show basically to tell the story of

25:17

a family and how various things have

25:19

of course changed drastically over those over

25:22

those 60 years. So like goes out

25:24

as a half hour of just sort

25:26

of like messing around a bit and

25:29

then have an interval because if drinks

25:31

are not sold during the interval then

25:33

every arts venue in this country will

25:36

collapse. I'm very aware that my profession

25:38

is subsidised almost exclusively by the alcoholism

25:40

of my audience. Let's keep it that

25:43

way. Let's keep it that way. So

25:45

60 years and 60 minutes. Are you

25:47

doing a year a minute? Is there

25:50

a big countdown? Is it like one

25:52

man breaking bad? Yeah, no. And then

25:54

you really dwell on the 80s and

25:57

then you're like, and then the millennium

25:59

does. And how do beans come into

26:01

play or is that a spoiler? Because

26:04

I'm looking at here it says it

26:06

discusses immigration, family, generational sacrifice and beans.

26:08

Yes, yeah, yeah. Well this is actually

26:11

really remarkable. So I... So my grandfather

26:13

when he first moved to the UK

26:15

moved to Bradford and worked in his

26:18

first job was in a Bake Bean

26:20

Factory. One of the most British jobs

26:22

you can really get when you arrive

26:25

in the country. It was a succession

26:27

of comically English jobs. Instant assimilation. He

26:29

literally did. Bake Bean Factory, conductor on

26:32

the big red bus, shop floor of

26:34

John Lewis. Oh amazing. This is the

26:36

most English man. Can you live next

26:38

to all to Paddington? Yeah, yeah. What

26:41

was his job in the bean factories,

26:43

you know? I don't know what exactly

26:45

the job in the bean factor. I

26:48

mean, it wasn't like owner of the

26:50

bean factory. Yeah, I mean, how many,

26:52

there's probably what, two jobs in the

26:55

bean factory? Put them in, put the

26:57

beans in, put them in, close the

26:59

tin. Put them in, close the tin.

27:02

Yeah. But I, very oddly, in spalding,

27:04

I want to say a couple of

27:06

years ago. told this joke and there

27:09

was a sort of like gasp from

27:11

a man in the audience who was

27:13

a slightly sort of maybe like in

27:16

his 50s 60s and everything and he

27:18

when younger had worked in the same

27:20

baked bean fact to me. Wow. Yeah.

27:23

Is there a discount if you can

27:25

prove you were to the same make

27:27

mean fact as your granddad? Is that

27:30

a possibility? Yeah if that man is

27:32

hearing this and gets in touch in

27:34

any way. Yeah. and I were going

27:37

to do a documentary together. Yeah, less

27:39

is 10% off people who work for

27:41

the NHS and previous employees. Absolutely. Why

27:44

not? So there are dates across the

27:46

UK now until May, including the 60th

27:48

of May at the Soho Theatre in

27:51

Walthamstow, the brand-banking-new-so-ho theatre. Christening the new

27:53

Soho Theatre in Walthamstow, very exciting. Go

27:55

and see you here, Shah, show, live,

27:58

wherever you can, here, Shah, Shahcom, for

28:00

tickets, and Matthew Crosby. We have the

28:02

thickest listeners in radio. We are still

28:04

joined by the wonderful comedian here, Shah,

28:07

who came into the studio, saw that

28:09

we had some questions written down. Now,

28:11

unbelievably for our listeners, that's a real

28:14

peek behind the curtain, that we've actually

28:16

had these questions written down. These are

28:18

prepared interviews. These are prepared interviews. The

28:21

question, do you think going to the

28:23

toilet backwards would be a nice sensation?

28:25

And I hear said... I've got something

28:28

on that. Yeah. Sorry to... Sorry to

28:30

build it up too much. No, this

28:32

is... Do you think going to the

28:35

toilet backwards would be a nice sensation?

28:37

Well, so... And how do you think

28:39

of going to the toilet backwards as

28:42

well? Because there's many ways to interpret

28:44

it. I don't know. I can't tell

28:46

you how I think about it, but

28:49

I'll tell you when. All the time.

28:51

Yeah, it's like sort of like the

28:53

cool teacher. Yeah. Sitting backwards with your

28:56

elbows on the system. Yeah. Yeah. But

28:58

I encountered something that I thought was

29:00

kind of like this, because it was

29:03

the only time that I've encountered a

29:05

loo that I was like, I don't

29:07

know. what I'm supposed to do here.

29:10

Like I thought that I'd smashed that,

29:12

like when I was in single digits.

29:14

But you've seen all the toilets possible,

29:17

yeah. There was nothing new under the

29:19

sun. Yeah. Where the, to be fair,

29:21

then you encounter a Japanese toilet in

29:24

your 20s and you're like, all right,

29:26

well, someone's changing the game. Blows your

29:28

mind. But, um, it was your mind.

29:30

This was, I saw this in Hungary

29:33

and I gather that this is a

29:35

thing in a thing in a few

29:37

countries in continental Europe where like, like

29:40

the whole. is like in a different

29:42

place and like it's really far forward.

29:44

Right. And it's not where, like, under

29:47

your butt. As in the toilet hole.

29:49

Yeah. It doesn't mean your hole doesn't

29:51

move. No, so there's, like, a shelf.

29:54

Oh, okay. I think I'm picturing this.

29:56

So I don't think I'm picturing this.

29:58

So I don't think I am, you

30:01

know. So there's a shelf that you're

30:03

on. Is that right? And then the

30:05

hole is further away. Yeah. And so

30:08

I was like, so I've not gone

30:10

to the toilet, but I felt so

30:12

uncomfortable about the idea that things would

30:15

go on a shelf that I went

30:17

to the Lou like, I was like

30:19

double forwards, you know, like way more

30:22

forward. So you shifted, you're like half

30:24

hanging off. I was like, I just

30:26

want to be, you over corrected. You

30:29

want to go straight? Because the shelf

30:31

is so weird. So you wanted to

30:33

drop it straight down. Yeah, yeah. But

30:36

then if you're sitting double forwards, may

30:38

I asked. Are you taking sort of

30:40

something out the equation? You can't do

30:43

one without the other. I know. And

30:45

so you go and you're like, oh,

30:47

maybe that adjustment will work. And then

30:50

you're like, oh, no. If I do

30:52

this, I'd be in real trouble. Yeah.

30:54

So you have to do one and

30:57

then shift. It's like, this was about

30:59

a decade ago. But it was a

31:01

lot of negotiation. And I think that.

31:03

Towards the end of it, you have

31:06

to, you know, it's like at the

31:08

end of 1984, where it's like, he

31:10

had won the victory over himself, he

31:13

had learned to love the shelf. Even

31:15

when it's toilet cubed, the guy's got

31:17

a book to bring us high ground.

31:20

He's a reader. So you have to,

31:22

at the end of it, you find

31:24

yourself accepting the shelf. You're like, when

31:27

in Budapest? Yeah. Accept the. Accept the

31:29

shelf. I know exactly what you mean

31:31

and it's a horrifying image. It's a

31:34

bit like using, it's a bit like

31:36

my daughter's just finished potty training and

31:38

the fact... You know, you want to

31:41

land in water and sort of just

31:43

disappear immediately? What's not be your problem?

31:45

It wants that. It wants it. That's

31:48

what it wants. Yeah, it needs to

31:50

be free. It needs to be free.

31:52

It's a free willy situation. It's got

31:55

to be released into the, released. I

31:57

hate that if you went toilet and

31:59

then it jumped up. into the next

32:02

cubicle, no thank you. Over your head.

32:04

Well anyway, that's, that was absolutely disgusting

32:06

here, thank you for that. That's not

32:09

what the ends is about, is it?

32:11

Ed Gamble, and Beckfeiffen Gizzard, Radio X.

32:13

Can you do any impressions? Either kind

32:16

of person who can do... Hang on,

32:18

this was not the question we agreed

32:20

on. What we agreed on is you

32:23

were going to do your impressions for

32:25

out here and see what you think.

32:27

Oh yeah, okay, I'll do a few

32:29

of my impressions. We can't put a

32:32

guess on the spot like this. Okay,

32:34

well have a thing, if you can't

32:36

do any impressions, don't worry because I

32:39

do loads. Okay, so it's fine, I'm

32:41

doing, because I do any impressions, don't

32:43

worry, because I do any impressions, don't

32:46

worry, because I do any impressions, don't

32:48

worry, because I'm supposed to be doing,

32:50

I supposed to be doing, I supposed

32:53

to be doing, I'm, I'm supposed to,

32:55

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm

32:57

supposed to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

33:00

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

33:02

I'm, I'm, is the first game. Okay,

33:04

here I am. I'm the president of

33:07

the United States. Here I am, guys,

33:09

and welcome to my big show. Any

33:11

idea that was? It's it's McIntyre doing

33:14

Trump or vice versa. It does sound

33:16

like McIntyre doing Trump, doing Trump, barely.

33:18

Let's see if I can do McIntyre

33:21

based on that. Okay, here I am.

33:23

That's not a bad McIntyre. No, it's

33:25

my, it's my big show. I'm gonna,

33:28

I'm gonna interrupt. Josh would have been

33:30

in bed. Oh, is that any good?

33:32

Was that all right? Was that all

33:35

right? Is it better than your trump?

33:37

It's pretty decent and you really got

33:39

the fact that his voice carries a

33:42

natural reverb. Do you do any impersonations?

33:44

He's always in arenas. He plays big,

33:46

that was him at the Colchester Arts

33:49

Centre. Do you do any impersonations here?

33:51

Hang on, let's have another one, okay.

33:53

I do one that wasn't in the,

33:55

uh, uh, uh, uh-huh. All right. All

33:58

right, okay. All right, okay. Hello,

34:01

this... Oh no. Okay. Hello there everybody!

34:03

I'm doing a gig at the coal

34:05

chuster at Santar, don't you know? It's

34:08

not a here, is it? It's a

34:10

here, yeah, it's a here, yeah, it's

34:12

a here shower. That's... Welcome to my

34:15

show ends! Tickets available ne! From a

34:17

hair shower dot com. I'm... Right, I'm

34:19

going to get... Right. It's not obviously

34:21

this sounds nothing like this person. Yeah,

34:24

I think you think that sounds like

34:26

Ian Sterling. No, I know, Ian Sterling's

34:28

too modern a comedian. Yeah, you know

34:30

exactly who it is. You think that

34:33

sounds like Billy Connolly. It's our it's

34:35

our dear friend Billy Connolly. No? All

34:37

right, listen. Okay, here, if you had

34:40

to move Big Ben. somewhere else in

34:42

the world, where would you move it

34:44

to? And not just the bell, the

34:46

whole thing. The whole thing. The whole

34:49

thing, the whole tower. Yeah, yeah, the

34:51

whole tower. So I recently, this is

34:53

my, I walked up the Big Ben

34:55

Tower. Very recently, like a couple of

34:58

weeks ago, you can do that. That's

35:00

a thing that you can do as

35:02

a tour. Just up the side of

35:04

it. Up the side of it, like

35:07

abseiling. Like you're going over the top

35:09

of the millennium too. There's just like,

35:11

it's just stairs in there. Oh stairs,

35:14

stairs, yes. You walk up and you

35:16

get behind the clock, you get to

35:18

look at the like bell and you

35:20

get behind the clock face and they

35:23

time it so you get to get

35:25

to the get to the top when

35:27

it's doing all. You should be happy

35:29

with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm

35:32

sorry. It's honestly incredible. Would you like

35:34

to do the PR for Big Ben

35:36

as well? I would like to stop.

35:38

Maybe I hear a show will end

35:41

being a stand-up comedian and just start

35:43

doing those tours. You should film your

35:45

next special at the top of a

35:48

big thing. But I would like to,

35:50

yeah, well, it certainly helped you keep

35:52

time, wouldn't it? You don't get a

35:54

light, do you? Don't you get a

35:57

light of 55? You're going to be

35:59

bomb... Oh yeah, that's my time guys.

36:01

Thank you. You've been watching it. I

36:03

would move it to a place closer

36:06

to me so that I could walk

36:08

up that. Every day. There's more of

36:10

a possibility in. Yeah. Close to your

36:13

house. Right on the top of your

36:15

house, why not? Why not? Well that's

36:17

all the questions we had for you

36:19

and thank you very much for answering

36:22

them. No impressions at all? Nothing? I

36:24

don't have any impressions. My wife said

36:26

that she had an impression of me.

36:28

And so I asked her to do

36:31

this, my wife's Irish, and I was

36:33

like, oh, what's your impression of me?

36:35

And she literally just went, blah, blah,

36:37

blah, blah, I'm a genius, blah, blah,

36:40

blah. I was like, well, that's an,

36:42

that's incredibly flat. Similar to my wife's

36:44

impression of me, which is normally, hello,

36:47

my name's a gambler, and I stink.

36:49

It's good impression. Yeah, it's really good

36:51

impression. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah, really

36:53

good. Yeah. Yeah. A here, a here,

36:56

a here, a here, a here, a

36:58

here, sure, sure, sure, your, your, your,

37:00

your, your, your, your, your, your, your,

37:02

your, your, your, your, your, your, your,

37:05

your, your, your, your, your, your, your,

37:07

your, your, your, your, your, your, your,

37:09

your, your, your, your, your, your, your,

37:12

your Radio X. Ed Gamble and Matthew

37:14

Crosby. Oh, horrible, horrible weather still. I

37:16

wish I could just feel a bit

37:18

more summary. Let me see what I've

37:21

got. See if there's any summary sounding

37:23

bands on my playlist. Ooh. This sounds

37:25

lovely. This sounds like where I want

37:27

to be. Great band name as well.

37:30

I wonder if this is going to

37:32

be a chilled out. Sunny tune. Let's

37:34

hear from poolside at the flamengo. Oh!

37:36

All four! That is excruciating. Good, right?

37:39

Heavy. Yeah. That's really, that's, I like

37:41

it. That's the chief maximum heavyosity. I

37:43

like it. And that's called Poolside at

37:46

the Flamingo. That's the bad name. If

37:48

I was seeing them live, that would

37:50

be one where I'm stood at the

37:52

side of the room. Really, just close

37:55

to the toilets. Yeah, close to the,

37:57

close to the... frequency. No, there'd be

37:59

a big space in the middle of

38:01

the room where some hard lads are

38:04

running around doing. Oh yes. Doing Kung

38:06

Fu kicks. Yeah, yeah. That bit where

38:08

they all go to the side and

38:11

there's one guy in the middle limbering

38:13

up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, thank you

38:15

very much. But yes, also by the

38:17

toilet. Yes, of course. Ed Gamble and

38:20

Mother Matthew. Radio X. Lovely

38:23

stuff from Mr. Sam Fandelier. Oh,

38:25

just start. It's a gambler, Matthew

38:28

Crosby. So mellow. So mellow. Matthew.

38:30

I enjoyed that voice, by the

38:32

way. You know, you're good impressions

38:34

as well. Yeah, who was that?

38:36

I don't know, please get in

38:38

touch, guys. Just someone at a

38:40

dinner party where you don't really

38:43

know anyone. Or you've been sat

38:45

next to someone at a wedding

38:47

and you don't really know them

38:49

very well. There's an awkward silence

38:51

and you go. Do you know

38:53

the bride or the groom? Who

38:56

you know? Who you want this

38:58

mellow wedding? Is anyone having red?

39:00

Beland Matthew. Radio X. Jamie T.

39:02

Zomb. Jamie T. Zombe. You're right.

39:04

Does that scare you? Because it's

39:06

a zombie. It's not a real

39:08

zombie. It's just a song called

39:11

zombie. He just looks a bit.

39:13

Yeah. He looks, yeah. He looks,

39:15

he looks quite spookyy himself, doesn't

39:17

he? He looks like now. Back

39:19

in the day. He needed a

39:21

nap didn't he? Yeah, yeah, he

39:23

I think he he lived he

39:26

lived large. Well everyone everyone everyone

39:28

cool looked like that back then.

39:30

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

39:32

Back in the sort of indie

39:34

sleaze days, you had to look

39:36

like death warmed up, didn't you?

39:39

If you had eight hours sleep,

39:41

you got dropped by your record

39:43

label. Yeah, that's right. They would

39:45

put you on an old mattress

39:47

out in the streets in the

39:49

rain and say, that's what you

39:51

need to do. A couple of

39:54

nights on that and then you'll

39:56

look like a pop star again.

39:58

Anyway, I've got a brand new

40:00

game, I say a brand new

40:02

game, it's a very old game

40:04

format, He had an amazing, unbelievable,

40:06

isn't it? He had an amazing...

40:09

six to jeans in five days.

40:11

Yeah, which seems like a reasonable

40:13

one a day for Morocco. Yeah.

40:15

Anyway, I've come up with a

40:17

game where, because it put me

40:19

in mind of one of my

40:22

favorite people, Joey Chestnut. Yeah. Of

40:24

course, Joey Chestnut, the competitive, the

40:26

world competitive eating champion, Joey Chestnut,

40:28

who holds many, many, many, many

40:30

records. So I thought what we

40:32

could do is we could play

40:34

a higher or lower game with

40:37

some of Joey Chestnut's records. Yes.

40:39

Okay, and this is a game

40:41

I like I like to call,

40:43

incredible. Radio X. Well, I wasn't

40:45

expecting that then. When I told

40:47

you where the game is going

40:49

to be called, Incredible. I thought

40:52

you'd be using, because Matti had

40:54

to record, Edible. I thought you'd

40:56

be using, because Matti had to

40:58

record, Edible. I thought you had

41:00

to record, Edible. I thought you'd

41:02

be using ink, but you'd be

41:05

using ink, and then putting Matti's

41:07

in. Can we hear it again,

41:09

please? I'm going to give you

41:11

the food, I'm going to give

41:13

you the time, I'm going to

41:15

eat it. No, but that's what's

41:17

been replaced by edible. Yeah, no,

41:20

but it's called incredible, the game

41:22

is called incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

41:24

Well, I thought you've placed incredible

41:26

with edible, which is not the

41:28

name of the game. I thought

41:30

the game was just what edible.

41:32

No. than the previous. Okay, we'll

41:35

start with glazed donuts. In the

41:37

previous what? Well, the previous answer.

41:39

So I'm gonna give you the

41:41

first answer. It's like a it's

41:43

like a play your cards right

41:45

type situation. We're gonna start with...

41:48

Could we just use that music?

41:50

Couldn't we could have to use

41:52

that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Glazed donuts?

41:54

Hey, yeah, yeah. Glazed donuts in

41:56

eight minutes? We'll never know. Anyone

41:58

has a guess first of all

42:00

how many he ate in eight

42:03

minutes? Glazed donuts in eight minutes.

42:05

What's Joey Chestnut putting away? 43.

42:07

43. 75. 75, Vince closest it

42:09

was 55, so Vin starts with

42:11

a point there and you can,

42:13

you're to play. Okay, so we've

42:15

got 55. How many traditional three

42:18

inch tortilla tacos did he eat

42:20

in eight minutes? Was it more

42:22

or less than 55? Higher or

42:24

lower? Gotta be more. Okay, you're

42:26

saying higher? Yeah, he's saying hi.

42:28

You're absolutely right is 126. You

42:31

maintain control of the game Sweet

42:33

Waffles, do I not get a

42:35

go you will once he gets

42:37

once he gets knocked out? He's

42:39

not gonna get knocked out once

42:41

he gets knocked out once he

42:43

gets knocked out. I can see

42:46

it in his eyes He's got

42:48

two points already. He's good. Sweet

42:50

waffles. Sweet waffles. Yeah, as in

42:52

not the potato waffles like the

42:54

ego waffles. You're going for lower

42:56

It's 81. He maintains control of

42:58

the game. Shall I go? We're

43:01

talking grills. Did you just hang

43:03

around until I get the last

43:05

one wrong? You sweep it. And

43:07

then you can sweep it and

43:09

then I win. Yeah, that's how

43:11

this game works. Sorry, I've never

43:14

played play your carbs right before

43:16

or for your edible edible. Sorry.

43:18

Grill cheese sandwiches, 10 minutes. more

43:20

or less than 81. I'm gonna

43:22

go, it's the 10, the extra

43:24

two minutes is making me, making

43:26

me say higher. Incorrect, it's lower.

43:29

Ed takes control of the game.

43:31

The cheese man. Okay, grill cheese

43:33

sandwiches in 10 minutes, the actual

43:35

answer was 47. Wow. How many

43:37

hard? I suppose a sandwich is

43:39

like two waffles, isn't it? Yeah,

43:42

yeah, it really is. How many

43:44

hard boiled eggs in eight minutes

43:46

is he eating? Absolutely higher, it's

43:48

141! That's way too many I

43:50

say. Is he peeling them as

43:52

well? Or I guess they pre-pealed?

43:54

You know what? It must be

43:57

pre-pealed. 141 in eight minutes. So

43:59

then Ed gets a point and

44:01

takes control. of the game or

44:03

maintains control of the game. Okay,

44:05

Big Macs in 38 minutes 15

44:07

seconds. Is he eating more or

44:09

less than 141 in 38 minutes

44:12

15 seconds? Higher or lower than

44:14

141 Big Mac? I think it

44:16

even though it's a long time

44:18

I think it is lower. He

44:20

only ate 32 but they're big

44:22

Macs. They're massive. Yeah, yeah, absolutely

44:25

massive. Okay. It's two three to

44:27

Vin. This is two three to

44:29

Vin. This is two equalize. Chicken

44:31

fingers in five minutes. And what's

44:33

the proof of school? It's 32.

44:35

Oh, chicken fingers in? Five minutes.

44:37

Oh, more, way more. It's not

44:40

that many more, but it is

44:42

correct. It's 44. OK, it's equalized.

44:44

Chicken fingers. Yeah, yeah, they're tiny.

44:46

Chicken fingers. They're claws. Yeah, you

44:48

know what anything. Twenty-four-ounce servings of

44:50

popcorn in eight minutes. We're talking

44:52

about the little pop-to-pop popcorn you

44:55

might get. In 8 minutes, more

44:57

or less, higher or lower than

44:59

44. I'm gonna go higher. It

45:01

was lower. What? Vin gets the

45:03

game. This is for the final,

45:05

this is the final one I've

45:08

got here. Okay. This is... This

45:10

is going the wrong way around.

45:12

No, but if I get this

45:14

wrong, the Ned wins. Yeah, that's

45:16

right. Jungle is massive. Watch out

45:18

for the elephants. and watch out

45:20

for the hunters. Hot dogs and

45:23

buns without the dipping in water,

45:25

the old kobayashi technique, no dipping

45:27

in water, no separation, hot dogs

45:29

and buns, no sauce in 10

45:31

minutes. This is from his Netflix

45:33

special from last year. Higher or

45:35

lower than... Higher or lower than

45:38

32. In 10 minutes. Is it

45:40

higher or lower? 32. No source,

45:42

no water, no separation of fun

45:44

in dogs. competitive veto i think

45:46

it's got to be higher this

45:48

is his bread and butter sort

45:51

of literally not allowed butter so

45:53

you're allowed the bread but not

45:55

allowed the butter i can tell

45:57

you now that Joey chestnuts 8.

46:00

A whopping 83. Hot dogs! Do you

46:02

take the game? Congratulations! 4.3. That was

46:04

a good game. That was Play your

46:06

carbs right. Radio X. Matthew Crosby and

46:08

Edward. We're talking about where you would

46:11

like to move. Big Ben to the

46:13

whole thing. The whole thing. The whole

46:15

thing. Not just the bell, the whole

46:17

thing. Not just the bell guys, the

46:19

clock tower as well. There are some

46:21

genuinely fantastic answers here. Had some good

46:24

ones. Matt says I would move the

46:26

whole thing to Ben Nevis to make

46:28

the biggest Ben even bigger. Yes. Thanks

46:30

Matt. That's really good. That's a huge

46:32

Ben. What's the biggest Ben you can

46:34

imagine. Good question. This is from Tim

46:37

in Kansas. Yeah, proper Darren Brown trick.

46:39

Yeah, why not? Why not? And just

46:41

pretend it's always, and make it seem

46:43

like it's a big Mandela effect. Just

46:45

make it seem like it's always been

46:47

on that side. It's always been on

46:49

the South side. Andrew from Cambridge says,

46:52

hi Adam Matt, I would put Big

46:54

Ben in the middle of the sea.

46:56

So you would have to use one

46:58

of those binocular machines, you put coins

47:00

in to see what time it is,

47:02

charge tourists to know the time, brilliant

47:05

idea. You are suggesting that Big Ben

47:07

is, people, is the only, big Ben

47:09

is, people that Big Ben is, people

47:11

who have to know what the time,

47:13

brilliant idea. You are suggesting that Big

47:15

Ben is the only, I guess, like

47:18

it's a Dave Chappelle gig. Hi Crunchcumbel

47:20

and McLauvin, this is from Serenson, Auburn's.

47:22

I would move the whole thing to

47:24

just off the west coast of Ireland.

47:26

It then becomes Europe's answer to the

47:28

Statue of Liberty. Nice. For when Americans

47:30

cross the Atlantic. That's the first thing

47:33

you see when you arrive by boat.

47:35

Exactly, yeah. I like it. Yeah, perfect.

47:37

I love this one. This is from

47:39

Ben. This is from Ben, Ben, for

47:41

a start. Hi Ed Matthew and Vin,

47:43

I'd moved Big Ben to Legoland and

47:46

the Lego Big Ben to the Houses

47:48

of Parliament. That's a fantastic response. And

47:50

that's from Ben, not Big Ben, although

47:52

statistically taller than the average Ben, assuming

47:54

the average Ben. is similar to the

47:56

height of the average adult male. Thanks

47:59

Ben. Thanks Ben. Thanks Ben. No way

48:01

of knowing is there? Rod Begbie had

48:03

the same response. He'd moved big Ben

48:05

to Legeland so it's very popular. The

48:07

campaign begins here. He wasn't doing the

48:09

full swaparoon. No, no, no. No, he

48:11

wasn't doing the full swaparoon. Ben has

48:14

the brains to take it on. So,

48:16

um, this is from Indian crew. He

48:18

says, we should move it to the

48:20

top of Snowden. That way people can

48:22

check the time before they get the

48:24

train back down. Nice echo too. I

48:27

bet. And Andy also says, I want

48:29

a 32 cheeseball crisps. Before Ed and

48:31

Matthew get mad, I know this is

48:33

not a lot in the grand scheme

48:35

of things, but this was one mouthful.

48:37

Really, really proud of you, Indy. Really,

48:40

really proud of you. I down half

48:42

a pint and was sabi peas once.

48:44

You down them? Yeah. Oh boy. I

48:46

had to go to the loot. Just

48:48

look at myself in the mirror. I'm

48:50

surprised you have to go to the

48:52

hospital. Poor you. I did, I'm dead.

48:55

If you added up, if you, if

48:57

you, you're dead, stay dead. Oh no!

48:59

Oh dear. That's why when we played

49:01

Jamie T earlier, I felt a little

49:03

shudder. That's right, because you're like, oh,

49:05

that's me. Yeah, that's me. I'm dead

49:08

from the Sarby P's. Yeah. Oh, you

49:10

know, now would you like us to

49:12

come to your grave and scatter wasabi

49:14

peas or is that seen as disrespectful?

49:16

Throw them on the coffin, exactly, yeah.

49:18

Ashes to ashes, wasabi to wasabi. You

49:21

can equalise. Um, lover. Yes, indeed, it's

49:23

the end of the show, folks. Tatar,

49:25

everybody. What a fun show, it's been

49:27

there. So fun. Always a delight. A

49:29

great joy to chat to here, Shar.

49:31

If you miss our chat with her

49:34

here, Shar, then don't forget to get

49:36

the podcast of the show, which has

49:38

some extra bonus nonsense attached to it.

49:40

Plus the full chat with her here

49:42

will be on there, so grab that

49:44

from wherever you get your podcasts. The

49:46

Global Player, I would suggest, is a

49:49

good place. Go to the sauce. Go

49:51

to the sauce. It's like drinking straight

49:53

from a beautiful stream. A bubbling, a

49:55

babbling brook. Yes. That's exactly what it's

49:57

like. Except you don't have to bend

49:59

over. Can if you want. Well it's

50:02

a waterfall. It's a head height waterfall.

50:04

Yeah, that's right. Is that your one

50:06

quam about? Not saying it's a quam?

50:08

Just pointing out that you don't have

50:10

to do it. No. That's the other

50:12

podcast, you have to bend over. You

50:15

have to bend over. You have to

50:17

bend over. Whatever happened to our dear

50:19

friend Ben Dover? Isn't, uh, isn't Tiger

50:21

Drew Honey his son? Yes. Because I

50:23

did, I did Safe Word with Tiger

50:25

Drew Honey back in the day. That,

50:27

that wonderful show, Safe Word, hosted by

50:30

Rick Edwards. So funny. Where is he

50:32

now? So funny. Yeah. But yeah, Ben

50:34

Dover was there. Quite weird to be

50:36

in the same room as Benover. There's

50:38

a sort of aura around Ben Dover.

50:40

I've met him as well. Yeah, yeah,

50:43

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we are

50:45

back next week, yeah. So we are

50:47

back next week, yeah. So we are

50:49

back next week, yeah. So we are

50:51

back next week, yeah. So we are

50:53

back next week, yeah. Please join us,

50:56

we would love you to be there.

50:58

Have Ed's on his phone now, so

51:00

he's a little distracted by the topic

51:02

of conversation we had earlier. Anyway, have

51:04

a wonderful week everybody, we love you

51:06

very much, bye, bye, bye! Bye! This

51:08

was a day after we recorded our

51:11

last show. So we've got a big

51:13

old chunk of time off, haven't we?

51:15

We're content machines. We just, we just

51:17

churn it straight out. Yeah, yeah. Just,

51:19

you know, just, it flows out of

51:21

us. I reckon we could do a

51:24

day in the park. Please, now, come

51:26

on. Because you know what's going to

51:28

happen with this is that people are

51:30

going to start referring to it in

51:32

the emails they send. Or worse still,

51:34

just getting in touch with me on

51:37

Instagram. DEMs are open? Yeah, my DEMs

51:39

are open, but people feel very comfortable

51:41

getting in touch with me just to

51:43

tell me I'm a Cretin or whatever,

51:45

you know, and they don't realize. I'm

51:47

not a Cretan. not a credit, you

51:49

know, not a credit, of course you

51:52

are. But you know, all of these

51:54

sort of, all of these jokes we

51:56

have, the three of us, we're all

51:58

mates, we're having a nice laugh, right?

52:00

When it comes through in a cold

52:02

DM, it feels very hard. Well, then

52:05

it really does. Then shut your dams

52:07

and shut your flies. No, because I've

52:09

got, I've got very nice messages from

52:11

people, I've got a lovely message from

52:13

from from someone who was telling me,

52:15

you know, just be patient with you

52:18

very patient with your very, very, very,

52:20

very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

52:22

very, very, very, very, very, very, Oh

52:24

no, we had loads, so many people

52:26

spoke to me about the very vocals.

52:28

You need to get new glasses man.

52:31

I'm going to go to speak to

52:33

the very focus, I mean, listen, I

52:35

will say I was slightly exaggerating. Give

52:37

him a white before you go in.

52:39

No, no, no, no, just wiping him

52:41

on my t-shirt, I was doing it

52:43

again. I was just going to... you

52:46

know persist with it takes a couple

52:48

of days of adjustment and how are

52:50

they how they feel fine yeah they're

52:52

good they're fine now yeah I mean

52:54

if if like when it's a bit

52:56

low-light or when I'm a bit tired

52:59

they're a little bit harder so when

53:01

you look down the things seem bigger

53:03

stop it's good damn good yeah You

53:05

listen, look, when he's on it, if

53:07

you, if you'd seen Ed Gamble, you

53:09

know, in the height of his MC

53:12

in days, when his bread and butter

53:14

was basically doing this to an entire

53:16

front row of comedy club. Oh, there

53:18

was no one like him. Honestly, he

53:20

could, he could, he could, he'd go

53:22

for it. We also had, oh my

53:24

God, we had a message in about

53:27

the... I'm really, I'm livid about this.

53:29

I'm absolutely livid. So this only Connect

53:31

answer. Yeah. Do you know what the

53:33

answer is? No, no, no. Okay, so

53:35

the... Give us the clues again? Okay,

53:37

so it's First Wife. then it's almost

53:40

old then it's 41 then it's ghost

53:42

wolf have you got any idea what

53:44

the answer is no this made them

53:46

written written this made me absolutely livid

53:48

first wife first wife almost old 41

53:50

ghost wolf you're on the right lines

53:53

41 ghost wolf you're on the right

53:55

lines if you're on the right lines

53:57

of you do with how they're written

53:59

Oh really? Okay, well then no. No.

54:01

The answer is, the first word is

54:03

in alphabetical order and the second word

54:05

is in reverse alphabetical order. Well that's

54:08

not a... No, exactly it isn't. I'm

54:10

so sorry, make it the characters from

54:12

friends. Give us a fighting chance here

54:14

only, there's a reason... So that quiz

54:16

is there for, it's not to give

54:18

people a fighting chance. No. It's so

54:21

you can watch people, get them right

54:23

and be amazed and then also say,

54:25

thank God I don't know any of

54:27

those people. We've had this email in

54:29

from Adam who says, Ed, Matthew and

54:31

finish him. I'll keep it brief. I

54:34

once ate 32 Yorkshire puddings in one

54:36

day. That's a lot. You obviously not

54:38

a fan. You don't enjoy them. They're

54:40

absolutely massive now as well, aren't they?

54:42

If you order Yorkshire with your rose

54:44

on a Sunday rose. They're often nearly

54:46

the size of the... I think giants

54:49

are becoming the norm, I think. Yeah.

54:51

policemen are getting younger, Yorkshire pudding is

54:53

getting bigger. No, this is, listen, I

54:55

know policemen, obviously you know, there can

54:57

be policemen in their 20s and that's

54:59

totally fine, I respect that, but Yorkshire

55:02

puddings are getting absolutely mahousive. The other

55:04

day, I know what you mean, the

55:06

standard now seems to be, the entire

55:08

roast dinner has to be in a

55:10

Yorkshire pudding sat on top like its

55:12

centre parks. I don't need it, man.

55:15

You know, the big... The dome. The

55:17

dome. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I

55:19

want to say 30 Yorkshire puddings in

55:21

one day, even if it's the normal-sized

55:23

Yorkshire puddings, it's still... I also ate

55:25

14 slices of toast whilst and after

55:28

having a fry up. Let's not get

55:30

into my breakfast technique fair enough. We've

55:32

done that right before. Good luck in

55:34

the blah blah blah. Adam, 14 is

55:36

too many slices of toast. Yeah yeah

55:38

yeah. 32 yauches and 14 slice of

55:40

toast and 14 slice of toast. That's

55:43

a lot of carbs. Anyway, thank you

55:45

very much Sunday at Radio X. Code

55:47

UK. He should have been on play

55:49

your carbs. Adam, get back in touch

55:51

if you want to play next week.

55:53

So have you got any back wrecks

55:56

in the last 24 hours? Yeah, Hacks

55:58

is back. Yes, it is, isn't it?

56:00

And it's back on prime now, isn't

56:02

it? No. So you can watch it?

56:04

What's it on? It's on now. It's

56:06

on now, okay, right. I knew he

56:09

could watch it in the... Yeah, it's

56:11

on now TV. It's taken so long

56:13

for this third series to come. to

56:15

the UK. And I've been very jealous

56:17

the fact that it's been finished in

56:19

the States for ages and it's like

56:21

nominated for loads of awards. I think

56:24

I'm three episodes in, I've watched three

56:26

episodes. It's so good. Yeah, it's so

56:28

fun. I'm really excited. Listen to a

56:30

brilliant interview with Carol Leifer about it.

56:32

It's one of the writers and I,

56:34

yeah, I can't wait. It's so good.

56:37

They've just up to everything again. It's

56:39

just ridiculous. It's such a good show.

56:41

Well, it's really really hard to do

56:43

and they just absolutely now Gene Smart

56:45

is just like the fact that she's

56:47

not a stand-up Yeah, is amazing. She's

56:50

so it's such a good performance. She's

56:52

brilliant. Have you watched any of it?

56:54

I haven't seen it. Oh, you've got

56:56

to watch it. Start from the start.

56:58

It's great on now. Yeah, they're all

57:00

on now They're all on now. Yeah,

57:02

I've ever since the Grammys. I've just

57:05

been listening to Dochi. phenomenal, which I

57:07

think she's absolutely brilliant. That's my only

57:09

one. That's my only recommendation. I haven't

57:11

watched the whole thing yet, but Kendrick,

57:13

the half-time show. Oh yeah, I've not

57:15

watched that yet. Yeah, because I've seen

57:18

a few clips obviously, yeah. So I'm

57:20

going to sit down and make some

57:22

time and watch it later. Did he

57:24

do the right one? Yeah. The whole

57:26

whole sang along, which which

57:28

is incredible. he looked down

57:31

the he looked down

57:33

the camera said said

57:35

Drake's name, but

57:37

he didn't call him

57:39

a certified pedophile. Right. He

57:41

didn't need to now, is it? It's

57:43

to now, does

57:46

he? It's still pretty

57:48

bad news, isn't

57:50

it? you incredible. if you have

57:52

a, if you got not you

57:54

have a, I mean,

57:56

you've got a, not

57:59

just, one I mean,

58:01

obviously, be called a to

58:03

be called a

58:05

paedophile, a but a

58:07

sing that's that's bad. that

58:09

really, that that is. is.

58:12

a He's just a

58:14

genius. genius. He's just a genius.

58:16

Well I said the

58:18

same thing when

58:20

I thing I watched Gamble MCing.

58:22

a great a great MC. He

58:25

was, you call it everybody. You

58:27

MC about MC 2016. Steve

58:29

and Grant was was

58:31

Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

58:33

himself. Anyway, yes, have

58:35

a wonderful week,

58:37

everybody. a wonderful week everybody. that's

58:40

it. it. the end

58:42

of the show. the

58:44

end then, the show. Bye then,

58:46

bye.