0:00

Okay, hi guys, my name is

0:02

Shannon Beverage, welcome back to X's

0:04

and O's a podcast where we

0:06

talk about queer relationships and sex.

0:08

Uh, hey, so today's guest is

0:11

the one, the only, me, it's

0:13

me. I feel like you probably

0:15

already know that based off the

0:17

title or the thumbnail. It's just

0:20

me. And the crowd goes mild.

0:22

Okay, this episode is going to

0:24

be going live on Christmas Eve.

0:26

which is crazy, where did the

0:29

year go? How was it Christmas

0:31

Eve? Christmas time is like the

0:33

holidays in general this time of

0:35

year, the end of the year

0:38

brings up so many emotions, so

0:40

many emotions. The older I get,

0:42

like the more depressing, I feel

0:44

like the holidays feel... kind of...

0:47

I don't know. Honestly, because I

0:49

don't have any kids around in

0:51

my family, so that part feels

0:53

like depressing a little bit. The

0:56

irony. Okay, let's get into it.

0:58

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Shannon. That's O.S.E.A. Malibu.com. This has

4:14

been literally the has

4:17

been literally, week, just

4:19

craziest week, just

4:21

such a crazy,

4:23

crazy, crazy, crazy week.

4:25

It's Thursday. that

4:28

I'm filming this. Yesterday, Becca

4:30

and I posted a podcast

4:32

episode on her podcast. her podcast,

4:34

discussing our breakup. today and

4:36

yesterday. yesterday, full I've been

4:38

full of reactions from people,

4:40

about their feelings about that

4:42

video, lots of reactions

4:45

to the the to the to the

4:47

to the reasons, to everything about

4:49

it. going I'm gonna talk about

4:51

it obviously a little bit today, bit

4:53

today, but... I'm also also gonna do do like

4:55

a little bit of a Q &A. I also like,

4:57

this has been a crazy week for so

4:59

many reasons, so many was happening. We

5:01

were breaking up, we were recording a

5:03

podcast, we were posting a podcast.

5:05

I was also filming episodes of my

5:08

podcast podcast while you're of of up up with

5:10

like really big guests and I

5:12

don't even know if I was like

5:14

doing a very good job because

5:16

I was so I was Doing anything on

5:18

social media is so confusing and

5:20

like kind of difficult because your life

5:22

doesn't stop as stop as you're to

5:25

record things. I guess not even

5:27

social media, me every job is like

5:29

that. But there is something particularly

5:31

interesting about having to be on

5:33

to be on like being sad or being

5:35

stressed or being anxious like through a

5:37

breakup or whatever it could be.

5:39

And it being on camera

5:42

then being on camera and kind of

5:44

like. hey guys, you're kind of

5:46

like, like forced disassociation, like you're

5:48

forced to disassociate from your

5:50

own feelings. from your in

5:52

a way that in a way that

5:54

just be obviously I don't know. be healthy.

5:56

I don't I'm in therapy.

5:58

I'm in therapy. So I... I touch I tune in in

6:00

with my emotions and I tune out out then

6:03

I I them a lot And then I don't

6:05

allow myself to feel them very much and then

6:07

I feel them a little and then I very

6:09

much and there's a lot of like tuning a tuning

6:11

out and tuning I I don't know So I guess

6:13

just so you know like I'm going through in

6:15

tuning in tuning in tuning out. I if you know. that

6:17

just so you know I am going through

6:19

a through a is terrible. If up is

6:21

always terrible. There's never a breakup ever

6:23

where you're like, is this is awesome.

6:26

up is always I don't think. There's

6:28

so much. grief and confusion

6:30

and bad feelings and and

6:32

bad feelings and good feelings good good sometimes

6:34

of like like we're doing the right thing

6:36

Whatever, there's so many different things that

6:38

happen when you break up things happen

6:41

when you break up I'm gonna

6:43

start with a little gonna start

6:45

with a little bit of a

6:47

Q I'm I'm gonna tell you guys

6:49

some of my 2025 resolutions or or

6:51

goals or thoughts or opinions. Yeah, I guess

6:53

I guess resolutions. Also, I Also, I got

6:55

these questions from Instagram. If you

6:57

don't follow me on Instagram, you my

7:00

handle me on Instagram, my everything. is at It's is Living.

7:02

On you wanna follow me, please do.

7:04

This is Living. The first you want to

7:06

the first thing I wrote down

7:08

the first do I not hate myself

7:10

for being gay? thing I wrote down was how that

7:12

is. hate myself for being gay?

7:14

a tough situation, I think.

7:17

I think something that could

7:19

really help you, processing. you processing loving

7:21

yourself for your queerness

7:23

is is finding people

7:25

people that you relate to

7:27

following them. love letting yourself

7:30

love them, whoever these people are. It

7:32

doesn't even have to be just social media.

7:34

It could be characters in movies. It

7:36

could be characters in books. It could be

7:38

characters in movies, it could be characters in, um, whatever,

7:40

but queer characters, queer people. queer

7:43

people. Follow them. Watch them.

7:45

them. Love them. See like see

7:48

that they are see that

7:50

they are lovable people. let that

7:52

a let that a little

7:54

bit heal yourself and see

7:56

that see are a lovable person.

7:58

lovable person You Being gay does not

8:00

make you unlovable. and it might

8:02

help you realize that if you love

8:04

other gay people. people. Does that make sense?

8:07

That was just like my first reaction when

8:09

I saw that question. I I was like, I

8:11

feel like that helped me a lot

8:13

when I started to admire gay people and

8:15

I had these gay like people. And looked up

8:17

to gay icons I looked up to, Ellen and at the

8:19

time and all these people that at the time

8:21

and all these people that, like, all people, at the

8:23

time there weren't that many, but I could see

8:25

them and I could love them them helped me

8:28

love me. love me. So I So I hope that

8:30

you can do that. do that. And

8:32

And I hope that you just know. just know, deep

8:34

down in your bones. that gay

8:36

gay people deserve to be loved? And

8:39

if you if you are a gay person. you

8:41

deserve to be loved? and

8:43

you and you are lovable, and you you

8:45

are amazingly perfect. even

8:48

as a queer as a queer person. as

8:50

a queer as a queer person. I

8:52

think it makes you you... in my

8:54

personal opinion, more more And also

8:57

give yourself grace, give yourself

8:59

time. give yourself know that the feelings

9:01

that you're feeling are not. feeling are

9:03

not, they're not, you're They're not,

9:05

you're not alone in them. gay I think

9:07

a lot of gay people, I'll speak for

9:09

myself I hated that I was gay, I

9:11

that I was gay. I to be gay, I

9:13

hated I did not want to be gay. I

9:16

hated that part of myself. I wanted to get

9:18

rid of it. me took me so long to

9:20

work through it. So you're not alone. but just know but

9:22

just know that like like, you deserve

9:24

love you you deserve to love yourself. and

9:26

there is like so many, there's so many

9:28

gay people who will love you there

9:30

so many street people who will love

9:32

you. who It is you it is 20-24 People

9:34

are changing their minds. People are

9:36

becoming more open -minded about everything. about everything don't

9:38

hate yourself you don't deserve it hate yourself,

9:40

you don't deserve it. You don't deserve it.

9:42

And give yourself grace, give yourself time.

9:44

It could take some time, but you will

9:46

get through it, I promise. What's my

9:49

favorite what's woman woman-loving woman holiday film my at

9:51

this moment in time in time is Carol

9:53

I I probably should watch more

9:55

of them of you guys have

9:57

suggestions of movies that are that are

9:59

woman-loving woman. and holiday themed, please

10:01

comment below for everyone.

10:03

because we all could use some more content

10:05

like that. We need more

10:08

representation. We need more representation. This

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podcast is brought to you

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great cause today. Holiday

12:46

plans, my holiday plans, I'm going to

12:48

New York City, I'm going be in

12:50

New York with my mom, my dad,

12:52

my sister, my brother -in -law, and I'm

12:55

looking forward to it. I've done a New

12:57

York Christmas once before, but it was just

13:00

me, my mom and my sister and my sister.

13:03

I I don't know if we were both single,

13:05

I don't know what was going on, but it

13:07

was just the three of us. And it was

13:09

sweet, but it was kind of sad because it

13:11

was just the three of us. So I think

13:13

it'd be really special to have my dad be

13:15

there and my brother -in -law be there. I love

13:17

them, obviously. And just... A reminder again that

13:19

my parents are divorced. What?

13:22

I know. Interesting life I'm living,

13:24

and... My parents are roommates. What?

13:27

I know. When

13:29

I told my therapist that, I think I've said this

13:31

on the podcast, but I don't know for sure,

13:33

but I recently reminded my therapist of that, or I

13:35

thought it was a reminder, and she was like,

13:37

Shannon, you never told me that. And I was like,

13:40

I never told you that my mom and dad

13:42

lived together. And she said, no, you

13:44

haven't told me that. And that explains a

13:46

lot about you in some ways. And I'm

13:48

like, oh, well, I thought I

13:50

told you. It's

13:52

very gay of them, very lesbian of them

13:54

to be living together like that, but.

13:56

But it makes my life a lot easier, and

13:58

it makes the holidays sp - especially a

14:00

lot easier. easier. If you're you're the product

14:02

of divorce, you know. you know, how much

14:04

it affects you to have to do like you

14:07

to have to do if the two don't

14:09

if your parents don't live maybe each

14:11

other, maybe you're doing like one Christmas

14:13

with one parent and like on and off

14:15

and on and off. And like, it's

14:17

just a bummer. It takes, it definitely definitely takes more

14:19

work, I think, when you have that

14:22

experience. So it is nice that my mom

14:24

and dad are hanging out. hanging out. So.

14:26

Lucky me for that. Someone asked,

14:28

makes me happy outside

14:30

of social media? media? The

14:32

things that make me most

14:34

happy, I would say, are my

14:36

friends. my friends. That's the biggest

14:38

thing. People, human People. Human always reign

14:40

supreme for me. reign supreme for think

14:43

that's obvious, even in my

14:45

serial monogamy, I love. serial I

14:47

love love, I I love people. love people.

14:49

I love my friends. And I

14:51

love love to watch things on TV.

14:53

I love watching movies. I love watching

14:55

queer stuff, but I also love watching I

14:57

Office. I've been watching The Office with

14:59

been last few weeks. That's been

15:01

so nice. few weeks. Other things that

15:03

make me happy, hobbies. that make me

15:06

happy. am a lesbian that loves a good hobby. that

15:08

loves me something once, Show I will learn how to

15:10

do it. I will what, how I will forget

15:12

I learned how to do it forget weeks

15:14

later how I won't pick it up again for

15:16

a while. later, and I did that

15:18

with up again for a while. I I still

15:20

have my kit, kit. I a lot of wood. of

15:22

I have a lot of wood lot around waiting

15:24

for me to whittle it and I will get

15:26

back into it. back into it. But like

15:28

hobby is fun for me. Photography

15:31

is a great hobby for

15:33

me. hobby for me. Whittling, never forget, forget

15:35

I like I like to paint every

15:37

once in a while. I I like to make don't know, I

15:39

I don't know, I like to do things

15:41

with my hands. Like that's like more tactile,

15:44

like more I think, and anything where I

15:46

can put my fucking phone down. phone down.

15:48

Ugh, what a joy! What what a joy. my What

15:50

a joy to put my phone down. the The

15:52

irony of the question what what makes

15:54

you happy outside of social media? media, media

15:56

makes me a lot of times of

15:58

happy. happy. Truly, which

16:00

which is ironic because it also is my

16:02

job and it does make me very happy. me

16:04

very I love to do my job, I love

16:06

my my I love to share with y 'all,

16:08

I love. I love social media, and I hate

16:11

it. it at the same the same time.

16:13

of my of my biggest goals in

16:15

one of my of for 2025 is

16:17

to read more books. more books. Sarah made

16:19

a whole TikTok that I I just thought

16:21

was so. inspiring and and beautiful and

16:23

amazing. I I really, I really love them so

16:25

much, like the content that they make

16:27

is. they make is... Chef's Kiss.

16:30

So, so. so insightful so

16:32

insightful say the time. They say like

16:34

the coolest, most interesting things. I love them

16:36

And I love them for that, but gonna going

16:38

to link the TikTok, but they basically have

16:40

been reading a bunch of nonfiction books in

16:42

books 2024 so that they can learn more about

16:44

other communities and connect more with culture, with

16:46

life, with everything. And I was like, wow,

16:48

I really want to do that. I've been

16:51

reading a lot of nonfiction. been reading a

16:53

lot of nonfiction. I say fiction

16:55

or fiction or nonfiction? So I'm I'm I still

16:57

and I still will fuck up

16:59

fiction and nonfiction, please tell

17:01

me I'm not alone. tell me I'm

17:03

I will, alone. And I will,

17:05

myself. I'm like, guess myself, I'm

17:07

like, Which one is the

17:10

right one? the right feels like it

17:12

should be like feels real. be like

17:14

not real, is real and

17:16

fiction is. and fiction is

17:18

not real. Do you guys,

17:21

do you you guys, do you struggle with that? Am I alone? Am

17:23

I alone? Okay, sorry. Another thing

17:25

I wish would make me happy is working out. is

17:28

working out. It honestly, like, I crave

17:30

an addiction to working out. I'm

17:32

like, I'm do I trick my

17:34

brain into thinking? I love to

17:36

work out. out? I'll I'll get into it

17:38

for a second. I It

17:40

can hyper -focus for five

17:42

minutes. Cannot for the life of the life

17:45

of me. my brain my brain.

17:47

out makes out makes me happy, enough

17:49

to keep at it. that's So

17:51

that's another goal for 2025. Do ever

17:53

get anxious before I do an interview?

17:55

do Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm getting, I get getting,

17:57

I get so anxious before

17:59

someone like. interviews, especially if I don't know

18:01

the person beforehand, because

18:03

there's so much like social, like,

18:06

it's so weird having a podcast and

18:09

interviewing someone, starting the interview with small talk

18:11

and trying to be like, oh my

18:13

god, and where do you live, and what

18:15

do you like? And, but like really,

18:17

really light conversation, then being like, okay, come

18:19

in here and we're gonna film the

18:21

episode. And then I'm like, what was it

18:23

like growing up gay? It's sweet, but

18:26

it's deep and it gets deep fast with

18:28

some people. And some people, it doesn't

18:30

get deep fast. And then I get stressed

18:32

and I'm like, am I not doing

18:34

a good job? Am I, what am I

18:36

going to say next? Sometimes I, I

18:38

think a lot of people with ADHD even

18:40

struggle with this in life. Not when

18:43

you're interviewing someone, but when you go to

18:45

dinner with someone and you're like, you're

18:47

listening, you ask them a question, you're listening

18:49

to them answer the question and you're

18:51

thinking in your head, what am I going

18:53

to say after that? In a podcast

18:55

format, it feels even more like this pressure

18:57

of don't let any dead space be

19:00

there, no dead space, no quiet, keep going,

19:02

keep going. And it's such a stupid

19:04

thing. I should just give more space and

19:06

be like, oh my gosh, that's interesting.

19:08

But instead I just keep saying totally, which

19:10

another goal of 2025, say totally less.

19:12

Oh, also, I wonder if anyone else has

19:14

this. Do you ever when you're nervous

19:17

and you're talking to someone feel your lip

19:19

quiver or like your eye quiver? Like

19:21

there's a quivering happening. I get it in

19:23

my voice when I'm really nervous, really

19:25

nervous. My voice quivers. I don't think people

19:27

can hear it, but I can feel

19:29

it. When I'm doing an interview though, I,

19:31

and I'm like looking at someone. I

19:34

sometimes am like, is my lip moving? Like,

19:36

and then I, that's what I'm thinking

19:38

about. I'm like, is my lip a little

19:40

bit moving? Am I smiling? it's like,

19:42

you probably can't even see it. I don't

19:44

know if they can see it. And

19:46

then I'm thinking about it. They can see

19:48

it while it's happening. Ah, anxiety. Okay.

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20:35

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love getting older. I I love growing

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it's not getting any easier,

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obviously, not obviously, not everyone's

21:46

doing this, not everyone's doing

21:48

this to themselves. Now,

21:50

public breakups do not get

21:53

easier. TikTok has made a public

21:55

break up a hell of

21:57

a lot worse, like way, way

21:59

worse. - and my

22:01

first experience is

22:03

with them, yeah. because

22:08

I couldn't really see as much feedback.

22:10

Like Like I could see the

22:12

feedback. I could read the feedback. I

22:14

couldn't see the feedback. Watching the

22:16

feedback. is a

22:18

lot harder than just

22:21

reading it. And with

22:23

TikTok, it's not just seeing

22:26

someone make a video about you. having

22:28

an opinion about you, having an

22:30

opinion about your relationship. It's

22:32

in the comments under that video

22:34

because people tend to be

22:36

a little more. sweet under

22:38

your own content. But

22:41

holy shit, Holy

22:43

shit. Do they

22:45

feel comfortable saying whatever they want

22:47

under someone else's video? Especially

22:50

if the video itself is

22:53

very. opinionated, then they're

22:55

like, whoa. I

22:57

think my confusion sometimes

22:59

on the opinions

23:01

is like how justified

23:03

people feel in having them. And

23:06

I'm not talking, I'm literally not

23:09

even talking about this breakup specifically.

23:11

I'm not talking about people having

23:13

opinions about things that are like.

23:15

people have opinions on. I'm talking about like

23:17

opinions like, I knew she didn't

23:19

like her like that's a mild version

23:21

of what I'm saying Just

23:24

really, really, just really

23:26

intense. Way

23:29

worse than that. Opinions that you're like, whoa, You

23:32

feel good about saying that, huh? Okay,

23:36

I'm honestly not complaining. I'm

23:39

I'm not complaining. I

23:41

put myself in this position. But to

23:43

answer the question, does it get easier?

23:45

No, it's not getting easier. It's not

23:48

getting easier. Can I disassociate a little

23:50

bit easier? probably Probably,

23:52

probably I can. I'm a little

23:54

quicker to be like. phew. I

23:57

feel like at this point, sometimes

23:59

when I'm reading. or like looking looking

24:02

online. decided and I've

24:04

decided and figured out.

24:06

I am a lot of people, I am I am

24:08

a character. I am someone

24:11

that only character, I am

24:13

someone that only exists

24:15

through their phone. or bad, if For

24:17

better or worse, for good or bad, if they

24:19

like me, if they don't like me, right? I'm

24:21

just a character. It's just, I'm not a person, I'm I'm

24:23

a character. I think what

24:25

think what I've started to do to

24:27

I receive a lot of feedback, whether

24:29

it's through a public it's the if

24:31

I've said something dumb on my podcast,

24:33

which I've done on my podcast, which know, just

24:35

when I'm getting a lot of feedback. just when I'm getting

24:38

a lot think of myself also as a

24:40

character. also as a I

24:42

think, how I've come to protect myself

24:44

in a myself in a way to think, okay,

24:46

they think I'm a character. I'm a Okay,

24:48

I'm a character. I'm a They're

24:50

just talking about me, they're talking about... about me.

24:53

this is living. talking about, now this is

24:55

It helps. It helps. Is it it healthy?

24:57

I I don't know. Maybe it is healthy, honestly.

24:59

Maybe it is healthy. Cause maybe it is

25:01

like a self Because be like, it is like a self-protection

25:04

to I yeah. now I myself now and

25:06

myself the comments that bother me, like

25:08

the comments I see that

25:10

really, really bother me. I'm like,

25:13

ooh. I'm like, oh, is there truth in that?

25:15

That hurts me a little too much. too

25:17

much. So I need to need to think about that

25:19

a little bit deeper. bit deeper. And if

25:21

you guys think I don't think about things

25:23

that you say, if you think I'm

25:25

blind to it or I'm like moving and

25:27

operating. I'm like moving and no self with

25:31

You are so wrong, so I definitely

25:33

take lots of things into therapy whether

25:35

or not I have fixed them. not

25:37

I have or done all the growing I need to do. the

25:39

growing I a whole other story that's a

25:41

whole other story. But I definitely see

25:43

what you guys what And I'm like, said. And

25:46

I'm like, okay. Why did did that one

25:48

hurt so bad? so bad? How How do I work on

25:50

that one? that one? Why did that one

25:52

run over me? Like comments will

25:54

just will just It's just like water on your back.

25:56

You're just like. on your back. You're

25:58

just like, okay. I know. that's not true.

26:00

not true. So doesn't bother you. bother And it's

26:02

not that there's truth in the comments

26:04

always that bother me, it's just that. that bother

26:06

me. It's not that the comments themselves are true,

26:09

I guess is what I should say. are

26:11

true, I that there is some kind of

26:13

truth behind them. is some kind of truth

26:15

behind them that is I react a

26:17

a reaction me it. like, ooh, like I'm like,

26:19

oh, like I'm like, hurt? that hurt? that hurt. Anyway,

26:22

I'm not going to get I'm not gonna

26:24

get into what those are because I do not last last

26:26

thing I want to do is give you guys

26:28

more ammo more ammo. to just, I'm just

26:30

going on a just going

26:33

on a I, the public breakups don't

26:35

get easier. I have done a

26:37

The public of don't get easier. I

26:39

have done a lot of work

26:41

that understand people that there are some

26:43

people that. me.

26:46

Again, me. still

26:48

this is literally still not going to get

26:50

I'm gonna get into the breakup stuff. stuff.

26:53

this specific breakup, but I'm right

26:55

now talking about feedback. I

26:57

have done a lot of

26:59

work a lot of work to to realize

27:01

that some people are. are dedicated

27:04

to to misunderstanding like they

27:06

already decided they don't like me

27:08

when they see something that like me when

27:10

they the word? It's

27:12

almost is the word? It's bias,

27:15

right? You decided

27:17

something about me, you see

27:19

something that confirms it. that

27:21

confirms it. latch on it,

27:23

anything that makes you think

27:26

otherwise, it's ignored. ignored. So I've

27:28

like been like, okay, some some

27:30

people. everything I Everything I post,

27:32

I'm posting this, even posting

27:34

this episode, knowing. there There are

27:36

people who are tuning into this. this,

27:39

who already do do not like

27:41

me. there is There is nothing I

27:43

could say. will make them like me,

27:45

will make them like me that will

27:47

make them respect me will will make

27:49

them not have the ick for me me.

27:51

is nothing you already decided So

27:54

I say that you're even like, I kind of

27:56

like that I she said that. like that, that she said that.

27:58

Anything you you say like... like... And

28:00

the ick. the It's going to be like, there it

28:02

is. be like, there it is. I have to

28:04

I have to do that work so

28:06

that. your opinion doesn't hurt

28:08

my feeling so badly. I am a person,

28:10

I know I'm a character a some of you. To

28:13

some of you, a person

28:15

and we are just,

28:17

we relationship driven humans. We

28:19

are come out as babies.

28:22

We out as babies. We

28:24

cannot survive without community. We cannot survive

28:26

without people taking care of us.

28:28

of us. so we care what what people

28:30

think about us. I I don't care

28:32

who you are. I don't care

28:34

how strong or thick your skin is.

28:37

is. Everyone cares what people think

28:39

about. about. Everyone wants in some way, shape, or

28:41

form to be liked. mean, I know I

28:43

mean, I know no one cares about

28:45

this. You guys just wanna know about

28:47

the baby thing. to know about the baby I

28:49

get it. I get it. I get it, so

28:51

it, so let's get to it. Okay,

28:53

sorry, if you're watching this, my camera

28:55

died, so I had to take

28:57

a break and charge my camera. a

28:59

One of my favorite things about Becca

29:01

is her honesty, Becca and I have

29:04

been so proud of her. of her and...

29:06

the way way she's shared her journey

29:08

in her coming out process and

29:10

raw how honest and real she's

29:12

been down to it, even down

29:14

to like talking about how she

29:16

was struggling with feeling biphobic

29:18

towards herself. she is is outwardly telling

29:20

people she's struggling with internalized

29:22

homophobia, internalized biphobia

29:24

and. biophobia. And I'm I'm just so

29:26

proud of her her because it's hard. Figuring

29:28

out your be figuring out your a is like a

29:31

hard thing to do and doing it in front of

29:33

an audience of people people an even harder thing to

29:35

do. to And when we started talking about the kid

29:37

thing and we started talking about breaking up. thing

29:39

and we when we were discussing if

29:41

we were going to put the episode out

29:43

or not. discussing, if we were said she wanted

29:45

to talk about not, the

29:47

kid thing and her struggle and her

29:49

brain thing how she was feeling about.

29:52

her brain and how she was feeling

29:54

about mourning and grieving a life

29:56

that she thought she would have. that

29:58

she thought she would have. of if she

30:00

did it with me, with or without me,

30:02

she wanted to talk about that. And

30:06

I thought that it would

30:08

be better if we did it

30:10

together so that people could

30:12

see that I have empathy for

30:14

her, that I'm not angry

30:16

at her, that it's to me

30:18

a valid thing to be

30:20

worried about, to be concerned about,

30:22

and that we're not breaking

30:24

up because of it, but I'm

30:26

leaving so that she can

30:29

process that and because I value

30:31

myself and my time and

30:33

I love myself and she loves

30:35

me and both of us

30:37

want to give each other that.

30:39

It's like we are giving

30:41

each other that gift of leaving

30:43

even though it's impossible and

30:45

sad and horrible. Like it's a

30:47

very selfless thing for her

30:49

to let go of something that

30:51

she wants and loves and

30:53

it's like sad. We're like both

30:55

sad. I

30:59

think the most disappointing

31:01

discourse from all of

31:03

this and

31:06

the fallout of all of this, the

31:08

thing that I am most upset by are

31:11

the people who are calling her straight,

31:13

the comments about her being straight, the

31:16

comments about her just being by curious,

31:18

the comments about like that she never

31:20

really liked me, that this was never

31:22

real, that she's not, that she's straight,

31:24

the comments that she's straight. Ugh.

31:30

Ugh, saying that Becca is

31:32

straight because of her

31:34

feelings and where she's at

31:36

in her journey is

31:38

just why do we have

31:41

to do that? Why?

31:43

This community is like the

31:45

most beautiful, amazing. We

31:47

constantly, constantly are advertising ourselves

31:50

as a community with

31:52

arms wide open to people.

31:56

With arms wide open. We're like

31:58

come one, come all. If you

32:00

you are queer, if you are gay,

32:02

you you if you are gender non -conforming,

32:04

if you are trans, if you are

32:06

this, if you are that. are If

32:08

you are if you if you are if you are Arms

32:10

wide open. are by, if you are

32:13

pan, arms wide But it's not,

32:15

it not, it feels, it It

32:17

feels conditional. It

32:19

feels conditional. conditional. And it And

32:21

it makes me so sad. At the

32:23

end of the day, I think I content

32:25

has helped so many girls. I think

32:27

it is for so many people. I

32:29

think she's going to continue to do

32:31

amazing things. And I think she will

32:33

do it because she is being honest

32:35

is brave and telling people. people how she she

32:37

feels when she's feeling it. And I

32:39

hope that, I just hope she doesn't

32:41

stop telling people how she's feeling about

32:43

things. I hope she doesn't stop sharing

32:45

what she feels what she feels because... I know know

32:48

that she is not alone in

32:50

her feelings because I felt them

32:52

myself. myself. I felt them felt

32:54

them mourned a I mourned.

32:56

going life. or was I thought

32:58

I was going to live or

33:00

was supposed to live, not just

33:02

about biological babies, not even about

33:05

babies at all, about a husband,

33:07

about kids, about where I lived,

33:09

about a white picket fence, about

33:11

a golden retriever in the the

33:13

I mourned that life, I mourned

33:15

it. mourned it. And I now

33:17

a place in a place I am

33:19

so excited and proud and happy, and not

33:22

excited and proud and happy

33:24

and not not only like done

33:26

morning, but embracing and celebrating

33:28

the life I get to live.

33:30

That's where I am. there

33:32

yet. not there yet. She has not done all

33:34

the stuff that she has to do to be where

33:36

I am. where I And I realized

33:38

that, and I And I wasn't, I

33:41

think I wasn't naive to it. it.

33:43

But I I chose to avoid it in

33:45

a lot of ways because I didn't

33:47

want to deal with the consequences of potentially

33:49

having to lose her. lose her. But I'm but

33:51

I'm glad that we're talking about it

33:53

today. rather than than three years from now,

33:55

rather than when we we're actually planning for

33:57

a future, having kids or going to... an

34:00

IVF process or going through an

34:02

adoption process, which is which is

34:04

work, that is more work. This has

34:06

been literally one of the best years

34:08

of my life. I love this year. I

34:10

love this year. I love I loved

34:12

our relationship that we had

34:15

together. had together. I I will continue to

34:17

love her and root for her and

34:19

wish the best for her in all of

34:21

the things that she has to go

34:23

through and all the life she has to

34:25

experience and all the things she has

34:27

to deconstruct and all the queerness she has

34:29

to process, whatever that is for her. the She

34:32

has every right to do it. to and I don't

34:34

love her less. that is telling me she wants to

34:36

do that. right to do I don't. I

34:39

don't, she doesn't love me less me less

34:41

for her go to do it. it.

34:43

I I can't wait to see all the

34:45

things that Becca Moore does. Moore does. And

34:47

I And I appreciate and love

34:49

the year that I got to spend

34:51

with her as my girlfriend. Thanks for

34:53

watching this episode of Exes and Os.

34:55

I love you all. I

34:57

hope you have an amazing holiday. I

34:59

hope you have an amazing you year because

35:02

I won't see you till the new

35:04

year. I So that was a till the

35:06

new That was So, that was a lot.

35:08

episode was sponsored by by Being an adult

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