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Rack today. see Please see rack.com or

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or a store associate What

1:20

is What is high functioning anxiety? Part of

1:22

of high functioning anxiety is that we're

1:24

so good at masking. But underneath

1:26

all of that, there's so much more

1:28

happening. more It's ruminating, it's lonely, it's

1:30

it's disconnected. We're in a loneliness pandemic.

1:32

Anxiety affects millions in the UK, in

1:34

one in six adults adults and

1:36

mental disorders in teens have doubled

1:39

since 2017. since There's so many of us

1:41

that are feeling disconnected from others. If

1:43

we keep ignoring it, it keeps coming up

1:45

up, louder and louder we get we get to

1:47

the point where it's like, I can't ignore

1:49

this breaking point. Look for the hope, look

1:51

for the small moments. The biggest thing

1:53

I always tell everyone is about self -trust.

1:55

What we need to do is come back

1:57

to our own self -trust, our own intuition.

2:00

Do we need to fix anxiety? Do we

2:02

need to fix it or do we

2:04

need to embrace it? Ryan

26:07

Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. With the price

26:09

of just about everything going up during inflation,

26:11

we thought we'd bring our prices down. So

26:14

to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer,

26:16

which is apparently a thing. Mint Mobile

26:19

Unlimited Premium Wireless. How do you get 30, 30, 30, 30, 20, 20,

26:21

20, 20, 20, 20, 15, 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a

26:26

month. So, give it

26:28

a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45

26:31

up front, payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers

26:33

on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. No

26:35

slow or above 40 gigabytes e-detail. Just

26:40

close down like she closes down because

26:42

she's like she's not ready to talk

26:44

about it And I'm like but death

26:47

is like amongst us all like why

26:49

why do you run away from it?

26:51

Why do you not want to talk

26:53

about it? And I feel like there's

26:55

something more so she also struggles with

26:57

like health anxiety and things that are

26:59

going on. It's a terrible thing and

27:02

it's it's it's bizarre how certain people

27:04

possess it and some just don't You

27:06

know my husband is a complete opposite

27:08

to me doesn't worry about anything And

27:10

when he does worry, he'll pace up

27:12

and down the room and I'm like,

27:15

there's something on his mind. But you

27:17

know, all the things that flash through

27:19

my mind, you know, he wouldn't even

27:21

think of in a million years. But

27:23

are you also catastrophizing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:25

When, like, say if your son was

27:27

going through something, there may be a

27:30

part of you that feels like, you've

27:32

already thought of like 10, 20 situations

27:34

of what it could be of what

27:36

it could be, and how you know,

27:38

Yeah, and that can feel very overwhelming,

27:40

like very exhausting as well. We're quite

27:43

an open family, I feel like I

27:45

can read my kids' minds, you know,

27:47

as a mom, you know what your

27:49

kids do, and we have got a

27:51

very good relationship with ours, but I

27:53

don't know, like, I feel like, is

27:55

there any way to fix anxiety, full

27:58

stop, or should we have... send degree

28:00

of it to make us. Do we

28:02

need to fix it or do we

28:04

need to embrace it? I feel like

28:06

do we need to like say if

28:08

you're in the driver's seat of your

28:11

car and your anxiety is in your

28:13

passenger seat and you're listening to like

28:15

what's going on but if your when

28:17

your anxiety takes over and it ends

28:19

up in your driver's seat that's where

28:21

the issue happened like where you're not

28:23

able to like function properly, you're not

28:26

able to do the things that you

28:28

want to do because anxiety is like,

28:30

oh my God, we need to take

28:32

a left, we need to the right,

28:34

we need to this, we need to

28:36

this, but it's very like erratic. Yeah,

28:39

rather than you being like very sort

28:41

of, let's step back, let's understand what's

28:43

going on. So when you're more connected

28:45

to like your anxiety and your anxiety,

28:47

you're in your driver's seat, it's like

28:49

almost like listening to what's my anxiety

28:51

saying. and what feels right for me

28:54

to do now, X, Y, and Z,

28:56

to like get me to where I

28:58

need to get to, rather than being

29:00

possessed by what your anxiety wants you

29:02

to do. Yeah. I think that's really

29:04

big. Can anxiety ruin our sex lives?

29:07

Yeah. Because that's one of the things

29:09

that it's like, you know, I'm so

29:11

stressed, I just can't, you know what?

29:13

Hmm. When we're stressed out, what happens,

29:15

we're not in our present moment. When

29:17

we're not in our present moment, if

29:19

you're trying to be there with your

29:22

partner in whatever shape or form you're

29:24

trying to be there, you're not going

29:26

to be there because you're mindful, your

29:28

mind is somewhere else. So when you're

29:30

thinking, oh, I've got this, you do

29:32

this, I've got this, I've got this,

29:35

I've got this, I've got this, I've

29:37

need to do this, you're not going

29:39

to do this, you're not going that.

29:41

your partner is going to pick up

29:43

on it. They're like, what's wrong with

29:45

everything? Okay. Is it me? And they

29:47

will start like personalizing it, thinking I'm

29:50

doing something. Like maybe I'm not being

29:52

enough or I shouldn't be showing up

29:54

in the way that I am. So

29:56

I really feel like we need to

29:58

understand like how does stress impact on

30:00

your life and does stress impact on

30:03

your life by you disconnecting from where

30:05

you are in the present moment and

30:07

you're worried about these to-do lists and

30:09

is this and is this or I'm

30:11

not good enough for my partner and

30:13

that tends to show up in how

30:15

you're showing up with your partner yeah

30:18

so naturally you're not then going to

30:20

be able to perform because you're worried

30:22

I'm not good enough anyway like they

30:24

don't like me they've just looked at

30:26

me or look at the way they've

30:28

they've touched me in a certain way

30:30

so we're creating narratives that don't exist

30:33

yeah and these narratives become reality of

30:35

how we're living life today today That's

30:37

so true. I have a lot of

30:39

clients that come into me like they

30:41

they start working with me and they're

30:43

like I'm really struggling with my sex

30:46

life. Yeah, I feel like I'm not

30:48

available I feel like my partner thinks

30:50

that I'm not good enough I feel

30:52

like my partner thinks that I'm not

30:54

present and when we start working and

30:56

understanding what's going on underneath everything it

30:58

often comes from like they're not present

31:01

yeah because when they're physical with their

31:03

partner they may find themselves thinking about

31:05

like the to do this or something

31:07

else or something else yeah and then

31:09

no longer available so they're not able

31:11

to show up in the way that

31:14

they would like to show up. There

31:16

must be so many people feeling that

31:18

way what what advice could you give

31:20

them or any tips that they can

31:22

do to break this pattern so often

31:24

what I would say is first become

31:26

aware of your pattern. So first become

31:29

aware of like what's a pattern that's

31:31

showing up? Why are you showing up

31:33

in the way that you are? And

31:35

then number two is like trying to

31:37

understand, okay, how do I allow myself

31:39

to be more present? Because if I

31:42

am worried about X, Y and Z,

31:44

if I am worried about my partner

31:46

being satisfied or if I am worried

31:48

about work side of things, what's going

31:50

on there for me and how does

31:52

my stress then impact family being present?

31:54

Because I'm not if I'm not able

31:57

to be able to be present, how

31:59

do I communicate that to my partner

32:01

as my partner as well? They don't

32:03

think... It's them. It's them. Because it's

32:05

easy for them to think, I must

32:07

be doing something wrong, or I'm not

32:10

attractive enough. So it's like, how do

32:12

we then communicate to the other person?

32:14

going on for me right now and

32:16

it's just being accepting of like this

32:18

is where my partners are but I

32:20

also know it's not me and how

32:22

do we like bring space together to

32:25

like just really work together rather what

32:27

you say just say look I feel

32:29

too overwhelmed and too stressed I don't

32:31

feel like I'm in the moment and

32:33

I'm trying to be in the moment

32:35

because I'm feeling very overwhelmed I'm feeling

32:38

very like stressed out at the minute

32:40

But a lot of people would find

32:42

that in itself difficult to do because

32:44

that's not sexy is it? Yeah, yeah.

32:46

It's like, do you want to have

32:48

a snarg? No, because I'm feeling overwhelmed.

32:50

But it's vulnerability, isn't it? Yeah. Vulnerability

32:53

is like, how do we see being

32:55

vulnerable? It's a weakness. It's a weakness.

32:57

It's bad. And especially with men. If

32:59

my... husband said to me oh sorry

33:01

not tonight I'm feeling too stressed to

33:03

have sex I would be so offended

33:06

why and I would feel rejection and

33:08

almost shame I'm feeling embarrassed but if

33:10

I said it to him no I'm

33:12

not tonight I'm I'm too stressed kind

33:14

of sex with yeah I would expect

33:16

him to just deal with that without

33:18

having it having any effect on him

33:21

which is kind of double standards. But

33:23

I think this is where self-awareness is

33:25

very important because we need to understand.

33:27

Is that bad? I don't feel like

33:29

it's bad. I feel like we need

33:31

to have self-awareness because if we're saying

33:34

something to our partner and we're saying,

33:36

look, I don't really want it today

33:38

and then they're saying X, Y, and

33:40

Z, we need to sit with that

33:42

and we need to really understand where

33:44

they come from because they may feel

33:46

rejection, they may feel abandonment, and it's

33:49

like... Let's talk about it because this

33:51

is where I'm at. If I was

33:53

the one to say I was too

33:55

stressed because I know I love that

33:57

person and fancy them I wouldn't see

33:59

it being an issue. Yeah, but if

34:02

he said it to me I'd be

34:04

like oh my god he doesn't fancy

34:06

me anymore. But why why is that?

34:08

Is that trust? It's ridiculous? No, but

34:10

it's not ridiculous. I feel... I think

34:12

most women would feel like that. Yeah,

34:14

yeah. I feel it comes from like

34:17

a place of rejection, abandonment. where we

34:19

feel like if I'm presenting, I need

34:21

to, I need to perform, I need

34:23

to be the good girl, I need

34:25

to make sure I'm following all the

34:27

rules, so my partner is happy with

34:29

me, and that's what we're taught, isn't

34:32

it, as women? We're often taught that

34:34

to be the good girl, we have

34:36

to follow the rules, make sure your

34:38

partner's happy, and if they're not, you're

34:40

the problem. And you're not the problem.

34:42

But there's a part of you that

34:45

then starts to feel like, but I'm

34:47

the problem because he's not happy now.

34:49

And being a highly sensitive person, you

34:51

start noticing he's gone quiet or he's

34:53

gone and sat downstairs for like 20

34:55

minutes and he never normally does this.

34:57

Like I've done something to upset him

35:00

because I didn't do this because I

35:02

didn't do X, Y and Z. So

35:04

we create a narrative in our heads

35:06

of what we think it is, but

35:08

also just having a conversation can be

35:10

so powerful. So powerful. I feel like,

35:13

I said the X, Y, and Z

35:15

to you, but this is how I'm

35:17

feeling, what's going on for you? Can

35:19

I just double check to make sure

35:21

that we're on the same page with

35:23

this? So you're just opening up a

35:25

conversation. It's communication, isn't it? Yeah. Otherwise,

35:28

you can run off with your own

35:30

narrative. Of course. He's running off with

35:32

his own narrative. And how does that

35:34

help both of you? Like it doesn't.

35:36

Yeah. How does HFA differ from other

35:38

anxiety disorders and how can it manifest

35:41

itself in our lives? HFA is different

35:43

because when we think of anxiety we're

35:45

diagnosed with it. You go to the

35:47

GP and you're like these are all

35:49

my symptoms. The GP will diagnose you

35:51

with anxiety disorder. With HFA you're often

35:53

not diagnosed because it's a way that

35:56

you've learned to be in the world.

35:58

It's the way that you've learned to

36:00

cope to feel safe, to feel secure.

36:02

So you've learned to be the overgiver,

36:04

the over compensator, the one that's there

36:06

for everyone else, the one that's available,

36:09

the one that's making sure that everything's

36:11

all okay for everyone, you're the one

36:13

who's like making sure that socially everyone's

36:15

okay, always, always, about everyone else. So

36:17

when we think of anxiety, it stops

36:19

you like functioning in day-to-day, high functioning

36:21

anxiety doesn't stop you. It pushes you,

36:24

if anything, it pushes you to do

36:26

with it more and more and more

36:28

of how you want to live life,

36:30

It doesn't debilitate you. So in what

36:32

ways does high function anxiety present itself?

36:34

So when we look at like people

36:37

pleasing, people that are very good at

36:39

people pleasing, I've learned to look at

36:41

you and I'm like, oh you looked

36:43

at me in a certain way. I

36:45

now need to do the X, Y

36:47

and Z to make sure that you

36:49

like me. So I'm always looking for

36:52

others to fill my cup. Perfectionism, like

36:54

when we are looking at being perfect,

36:56

again I'm worried about how are you

36:58

going to judge me? You're going to

37:00

judge me in X, Y and Z,

37:02

so I need to keep presenting as

37:05

being X, Y and Z, so you

37:07

don't judge me in a certain way,

37:09

because otherwise I'm worried. But it's all

37:11

anxiety based on how other people perceive

37:13

us? Can't it be how you perceive

37:15

yourself or if you just want to

37:17

do something right or do a target

37:20

at work? Why does it always come

37:22

back to what other people think? I

37:24

feel like anxiety can take us into

37:26

completely different spaces. So yeah, we may

37:28

think that I'm not good enough or

37:30

I'm not worthy. But when we look

37:33

at it and we break it down

37:35

and I sit with people, I'm like,

37:37

well, where does this come from? What's

37:39

going on here? What's going on? And

37:41

often it does come back down to

37:43

how they worry about other people that

37:45

are on a judgment or how they

37:48

judge themselves. and often it comes from

37:50

a lack of self-love, self-compassion, self-worth. So

37:52

if you have grown up believing that

37:54

you are not good enough, you will

37:56

then continue to look for other people,

37:58

look at other people. Do you try

38:00

and follow Can you feel Can you feel

38:03

it? And it's temporary. Can you you meet the

38:05

next person. Can you for my Until It's

38:07

temporary, so you can end up in

38:09

relationships where it becomes more about the

38:11

other person than about you, end so focused

38:13

on like making it better for everyone

38:15

else. What about you and all of

38:17

that? Like you forget about that. That's

38:19

why I feel like so functioning anxiety,

38:21

you're so focused on everyone else. And

38:23

it's like, about you and what about

38:25

you? Like you. I will say to

38:28

people, a bit like, it's a have you

38:30

heard of Star Wars? you ever heard of

38:32

Star Wars, a bit Star Wars, a bit probably

38:34

know who when, you probably Yoda, Yoder Yoda. I

38:36

like the green guy, and he

38:38

will speak to the like and he's

38:40

like, to guy a Jedi will speak to you

38:42

have to go through experiences, and

38:45

they're like to frustrated, a Jedi become a

38:47

Jedi have I wanna become a Jedi

38:49

master. And and they're and like, well.

38:51

to become that, you need to wait, and

38:53

you need to be patient. need to be they And

38:55

their realized through the things that

38:57

they go through. the things that they is this

38:59

it takes to become a to become a And

39:01

I feel like in life, we are going

39:03

through things and we wanna just get to

39:06

the next stage. to the But sometimes we have

39:08

to wait and we have to sit in

39:10

what's going on for us on for get to

39:12

the place that we really need to understand.

39:14

I get why I had to go through

39:16

that, that. To get to that place. And I feel

39:18

like that's really important. important. There's more the

39:20

list of ways function and anxiety can

39:23

manifest itself. The excess

39:25

of of warrior, the perfectionist, bare now

39:27

and over responsible, inadequacy,

39:29

and self -doubt, procrastination and

39:31

loneliness. and loneliness. huge parts

39:34

of how we show up being we

39:36

show up being high functioning anxiety we're

39:38

if we're showing up constantly, like we're

39:40

disconnected from ourselves, we're feeling lonely,

39:42

we're feeling isolated. If I'm feeling

39:44

like need to keep just taking on everything

39:46

you want me to do, I'm like, I'm

39:48

yes, yes, yes. yes, yes, I'm now the yes

39:50

person. I I don't know what boundaries I

39:52

need for myself. I'm feeling bad now. I'm

39:54

feeling tired. I'm feeling exhausted. exhausted, no one

39:56

really sees me, I'm so I'm feeling

39:59

very disconnected, very eyes. is very lonely. So when

40:01

we're then feeling like self-doubt comes in,

40:03

when you're worrying like, okay I should

40:05

be doing this, but this person wants

40:07

me to do this and this and

40:09

this and this, you have that imposter

40:11

syndrome and like the imposter sitting on

40:13

your shoulder and it's like you're not

40:15

doing this, you took a right, you

40:17

should take a left, you shouldn't this,

40:19

you shouldn't, and you're like you're just

40:22

feeling very overwhelmed. And it's like... How

40:24

do you manage all these different parts

40:26

of you to move forward? Not letting

40:28

these things keep consuming you and allowing

40:30

you to end up in that high

40:32

functioning anxiety state. You need to just

40:34

stop and start listening and start understanding.

40:36

How does high functioning anxiety actually show

40:38

up in your life? Yeah. What if

40:40

people don't know that they're in this

40:42

state and they're so used to feeling

40:44

this way? A lot of people do

40:46

happy. So many people come to me.

40:49

They're like... I thought this was normal.

40:51

And they'll say to me, like, I

40:53

thought I was doing one that deals

40:55

with this. I'm like, no, you're not.

40:57

Like, there's a way of like being

40:59

high functioning intentional, not high functioning anxiety.

41:01

High functioning anxiety is when you're scattered.

41:03

High functioning intentional is when you're, yes,

41:05

you can be high functioning, but you're

41:07

more intentionally in the way that you're

41:09

going, rather than being like, basically you're

41:11

in control of it. rather than being

41:13

like a headless chicken and just doing

41:15

anything and everything because you're feeling very

41:18

scattered. It's like learning to understand what

41:20

you need and giving yourself what you

41:22

need. Yeah. So in your book you

41:24

talk about these five steps to calm

41:26

in your inner anxiety. So step one,

41:28

discover your patterns and unveil your hidden

41:30

self. What do you mean by that?

41:32

So what does that mean? That means

41:34

that we're finally realizing and looking at...

41:36

It's actually going on in my life.

41:38

Why are these patterns showing up in

41:40

the way that they do? So if

41:42

you're a people-pleaser, if you're a perfectionist,

41:44

you start noticing how my perfectionist, how

41:47

my people-pleaser, like what is coming up?

41:49

Do I feel like I worry when

41:51

people are disappointed? when they look like

41:53

they were upset with me. How do

41:55

I sit with that? So you're learning

41:57

what your triggers are? You're just starting

41:59

to stop, pause, and understand what your

42:01

triggers are. Number two, decoding your patterns,

42:03

uncovering your beliefs and facing your shadow.

42:05

So this is where you go deeper.

42:07

Okay. So you're going deeper by understanding,

42:09

well, why do I feel like a

42:11

people pleaser with certain people? Why? Where

42:13

does that come from? So you're going

42:16

deeper into your earlier patterns and often

42:18

it does stem from our early childhood.

42:20

Where does it come from? Why do

42:22

we feel the need to be a

42:24

perfectionist? Be a people-pleaser? And if we're

42:26

not these things, how does that make

42:28

us feel? And if we're struggling with

42:30

that, I think it's really important to

42:32

start looking and understanding more about that.

42:34

Three, develop self-connection and transcend your fear,

42:36

learning to regulate fear. So this is

42:38

where we start to actually understand, what's

42:40

the fear? What is the biggest fear

42:42

that I have? So the biggest fear

42:45

is, I don't want to disappoint people.

42:47

I don't want to let people down.

42:49

I don't want people to think badly

42:51

about me. So why do we have

42:53

this fear? Where does that come from?

42:55

So this is where we face our

42:57

shadow. And we start understanding. I might

42:59

have felt like growing up, I felt

43:01

a burden taking up space. I felt

43:03

a burden being someone who had a

43:05

voice. So you learn, don't take up

43:07

space, don't be too much, don't be

43:09

X, Y and Z, because no one's

43:11

gonna accept you as you are. So

43:14

you learn growing up as a woman,

43:16

as a man, that I can't be

43:18

X, Y, and Z, because no one's

43:20

gonna accept me as I have to

43:22

be this, this, this. So you feel

43:24

like you have to fit in to

43:26

be that, that version of you. That's

43:28

not who you want who you want

43:30

to be. Ah, that's why I show

43:32

up in this way. So you're like

43:34

really facing yourself and your patterns and

43:36

making sense of why you do what

43:38

you do. Embrace your sensitivity and reclaim

43:41

yourself trust. So when we think of

43:43

like self-trust I think it's so powerful

43:45

because it's about how do we show

43:47

up for ourselves? How do we see

43:49

other people? And often it's our intuition

43:51

and we connect from something like so

43:53

deeper so I might be sat here

43:55

in front of you and I'm like

43:57

she's looking at me in a certain

43:59

way after people please after this after

44:01

this after this and I'm become scattered

44:03

in like what I think I think

44:05

I need to be. But when I

44:07

feel like I'm so grounded in who

44:10

I am, I feel like I'm enough

44:12

in who I am, when I'm presenting

44:14

with you, I'm not worried about all

44:16

of these things like self-trust and like

44:18

what does this person think of me?

44:20

Because I know I'm enough as I

44:22

am. And that's really important. So for

44:24

me, step four is about really honoring

44:26

your self-trust and listening into what is

44:28

your self-trust saying to you? That's a

44:30

hard thing to do as well though

44:32

isn't it? I feel like we're not

44:34

encouraged enough in life to focus on

44:36

what your intuition is saying. I feel

44:39

like we're focused on more and like

44:41

what does the world want from us

44:43

rather than what's important for us. Yeah

44:45

agreed. And number five, unleash self-compassion and

44:47

12,000 how to do this is in

44:49

your book. Can you give us three

44:51

examples? how many of us are sitting

44:53

in life and I was sitting with

44:55

like I went to my author party

44:57

last night and I was sitting with

44:59

a few people and they were like

45:01

I don't know how to love myself

45:03

and I'm like what do you mean

45:05

you don't know how to love yourself

45:08

and every single situation you like I

45:10

saw them in they were like oh

45:12

sorry or sorry and I'm like please

45:14

do not say sorry to me again

45:16

like I am sick and tired of

45:18

you saying sorry but for me it's

45:20

like what's going on there like you're

45:22

constantly saying sorry Because are you worried

45:24

about like how the other person is

45:26

thinking and then we were talking and

45:28

I was going deeper with them and

45:30

we were discussing more about one of

45:32

them was like I feel like I'm

45:34

an imposter within myself I feel like

45:37

I'm always here but I feel like

45:39

people don't see me, people don't understand

45:41

me, I feel like people don't get

45:43

me. So I just end up like

45:45

trying to fit in and give people

45:47

what they want rather than just be

45:49

myself and I was like I want

45:51

you here tonight just to be yourself

45:53

like I don't want any more of

45:55

like you trying to fit in because

45:57

it is about you being who you

45:59

are but I feel like where we

46:01

live in a world where often people

46:03

don't understand. or accept that you are

46:06

your own person. And people need you

46:08

to be a certain way. But this

46:10

is where loneliness can creep in, burnout

46:12

can creep in. And you feeling like,

46:14

oh, I need to be a certain

46:16

way because people don't get me. So

46:18

let me be X, Y, and Z

46:20

and fit in. But then you're not

46:22

being yourself. And what does that actually

46:24

mean? And why do we fear so

46:26

much about being ourselves? And often it

46:28

comes from. like you look at the

46:30

mirror, oh I look ugly, oh I

46:32

look fat, oh state of this, you'd

46:35

never say that to anybody else. No,

46:37

because you would deeply hurt the feeling,

46:39

so you know as a nation we

46:41

need to be kinder to ourselves. I

46:43

feel like that's so important and I

46:45

feel like that's a deep root of

46:47

a lot of the issues that we

46:49

present with is we don't know how

46:51

to love ourselves. Yeah. And people will

46:53

say oh I don't want to love

46:55

myself and it's like... But that's a

46:57

big part of like how do we

46:59

show up and loving ourselves often comes

47:02

from a version of us in a

47:04

child yeah that we have learned is

47:06

too much with a burden no one

47:08

loves her no one loves him let's

47:10

lock them away so we learn to

47:12

lock that part of ourselves away and

47:14

present how we feel we should be

47:16

but that part of us is always

47:18

screaming out like hello I need to

47:20

be seen I I'm here and you

47:22

don't know how to handle that part

47:24

of you but that's where the inner

47:26

work comes in so when you start

47:28

working on your inner self and you

47:31

start making sense of like the things

47:33

that you've been through you realize actually

47:35

my nine-year-old self feels X, Y and

47:37

Z because I've locked her away because

47:39

she went through something and no one

47:41

knew how to love her. So I

47:43

didn't know how to handle that situation

47:45

so I've locked her away but I

47:47

need to bring her back out to

47:49

really make sense and to bring in

47:51

that self-love again so I can move

47:53

forward without disconnecting from myself. So honestly

47:55

it's so powerful. I think this chat's

47:57

predominantly been about adults. And you know

48:00

you talk about working on your in

48:02

a nine-year-old or you're in a ten-year-old

48:04

but what about these nine-year-olds and ten-year-olds

48:06

can they feel anxiety and high-functioning anxiety

48:08

you know with the pressures of social

48:10

media? You know how can we kind

48:12

of nip it in the bud now

48:14

for our children? Yeah I think that's

48:16

a really important point that you've made

48:18

and I feel like there's people that

48:20

I've been speaking to, friends, family, clients.

48:22

where they will present and they will

48:24

say, look, this is what my child's

48:26

going through, I don't know what to

48:29

do. And when we like break down,

48:31

they've learned to become the good girl,

48:33

the good boy, and they've taken on

48:35

this role of, okay, Momada is too

48:37

busy for me and Momada, I've got

48:39

a lot going on, I now need

48:41

to present as being this good person.

48:43

If I'm this good person, it doesn't

48:45

mean that anyone else is going to

48:47

be impacted. So they've become a version

48:49

of a version of themselves. Even within

48:51

ourselves, like I know me being in

48:53

a child once by the time, I

48:55

learned my parents are too busy and

48:58

I learned that I have to be

49:00

a certain way and not be a

49:02

burden, not getting the way of anything

49:04

else. And I feel like- What would

49:06

happen if you did? You get told

49:08

off? It was like, they didn't have

49:10

time, they didn't have time, they were

49:12

so busy. So I learned, don't get

49:14

in the way of other people because

49:16

they're busy. And my narrative of life

49:18

became- if you're getting in the way

49:20

you're causing a problem and that's not

49:22

how other people saw it but that's

49:24

how that's narrative I created and I

49:27

feel like a lot of kids even

49:29

now like they will come up with

49:31

a narrative. of mom and dad are

49:33

busy. They're busy with work, they're busy

49:35

with life, they're busy with like their

49:37

friends. I can't get to them. So

49:39

I feel like even just having a

49:41

check in with your kids like once

49:43

a week and just saying like right

49:45

this is our weekly check in, we're

49:47

gonna have hot chocolate, we're gonna like

49:49

chill out and this is our time

49:51

just to check in. can make a

49:54

big difference because they feel safe talking

49:56

to you. They feel like there's availability

49:58

for them to talk to you and

50:00

they don't feel like there's no space

50:02

for them. They feel like I can

50:04

come and this is my space to

50:06

talk about things. And then as a

50:08

parent, how do you manage it? Because

50:10

if a child's coming to you and

50:12

saying, Mom, Dad, I feel like you're

50:14

really busy all the time. And if

50:16

you're saying, oh my God, what do

50:18

you mean we're busy? We're busy, we're

50:20

busy, we're not busy, always working for

50:23

you, we're working for you, we're working

50:25

for you, we're doing this. They're not

50:27

feeling seen, they're not feeling hard. How

50:29

do you really listen to them and

50:31

are tuned to like what what their

50:33

narrative of life is? And their narrative

50:35

might not be like realistic, but how

50:37

do you then tune them into like

50:39

where your version is coming from? So

50:41

you're listening to what they're saying. Yeah.

50:43

And make them feel safe. Yeah. And

50:45

stop that damage early on. Really big

50:47

part of that is how do you

50:49

tune in to them feeling like... mom

50:52

and dad I can come to them

50:54

with anything and they listen they understand

50:56

they get it that's big. How would

50:58

high functioning anxiety present in children other

51:00

than you know my parents are busy

51:02

I'm going to keep out the way

51:04

any other signs and symptoms. So a

51:06

lot of parents will say that my

51:08

child is really really good at school

51:10

as soon as they come home that's

51:12

it they will present in a very

51:14

different way and school are very surprised

51:16

they're presenting in this way. So when

51:18

I say that they're present in this

51:21

way, they might be having like a

51:23

meltdown, they might be really struggling to

51:25

manage their emotions. So they've kept it

51:27

all together at school. They've come home

51:29

and they're feeling like exhausted. They don't

51:31

know how to handle that. So it

51:33

comes out in like just pushing boundaries

51:35

and like pushing everything that you can

51:37

think of. Like I don't want to

51:39

do this, I'm not doing this. And

51:41

you're like, what's wrong? You might go

51:43

to school and speak to school and

51:45

school, but they're like exceptional here. I

51:47

don't understand what's going on, but we

51:50

have to realize that are they masking?

51:52

Are they masking all day at school

51:54

and when they come home, it's like

51:56

that's a safe space and they feel

51:58

like they can push boundaries? We also

52:00

need to realize that they might present

52:02

as being the good person, the good

52:04

version of them. So at school they're

52:06

the good version, they come home to

52:08

the good version, but underneath that's not

52:10

what's not what's going on what's going

52:12

on? They have learned to, I need

52:14

to be good because mom and dad

52:16

are busy and they're struggling with my

52:19

little brother or they're struggling with my

52:21

little sister. So I know I need

52:23

to present, I'm good enough, but they

52:25

may not be good enough. They may

52:27

be like other things going on for

52:29

them, but they just feel like I

52:31

can't trust that there's enough space for

52:33

me as well in all of this.

52:35

I feel like that's huge. I've absolutely

52:37

love this chat. You know, anxiety is

52:39

something that so many of my listeners

52:41

of... you know been in touch can

52:43

we do can we do a part

52:45

about anxiety we need help we need

52:48

to know what steps to take so

52:50

I just want to thank you first

52:52

and foremost for coming on and before

52:54

you go one last question for anyone

52:56

out there struggling to move forward and

52:58

take those first steps in tackling their

53:00

anxiety what would you say to them

53:02

I would say look at your triggers

53:04

start by looking at your triggers and

53:06

I say this to all my clients

53:08

is start noticing day to day what

53:10

other things that really trigger you and

53:12

trigger might be that I'm talking to

53:15

you and you might pick up your

53:17

phone and I'm like oh I think

53:19

I'm boring I'm thinking of this I'm

53:21

creating a narrative of like how or

53:23

what is going on so based on

53:25

that what that's my trigger my trigger

53:27

is you're picking up your phone yeah

53:29

you're not now interested in what I'm

53:31

saying and now I'm creating a narrative.

53:33

So that becomes my trigger. What are

53:35

the triggers that are going through? Like,

53:37

am I going through in life? And

53:39

then you're starting to understand them, go

53:41

deeper into them, start journaling into them.

53:44

So making sense of why do I

53:46

feel this way in certain situations and

53:48

what does that really mean? So when

53:50

you start understanding now, it means that

53:52

you can go deeper. and deeper into

53:54

your patterns and start making sense of

53:56

your beliefs. Because we want to make

53:58

sense of, do you feel like I'm

54:00

a boring person? Do you feel like

54:02

people don't really like what I've got

54:04

to say? What are these beliefs that

54:06

you're living life by? I think it's

54:08

really important to look at them. Yeah.

54:10

Yeah, and I definitely think after our

54:13

chat today, I think I definitely do

54:15

need to address some of the anxiety

54:17

that's going on within me and... you

54:19

know, learn to control it. I feel

54:21

like it's not even controlling, I think

54:23

it's managing. Like I feel like, I

54:25

don't know if you watch Inside Out

54:27

too. Oh yeah. But when you watch

54:29

Inside Out too, and you see anxiety

54:31

and anxiety, like, oh, I need to

54:33

like manage all these things. But actually,

54:35

it's like all your emotions working together.

54:37

Like, like, dramatically, I think it's just...

54:39

understanding that it's okay to allow all

54:42

my other emotions to come out and

54:44

learning to sit in them emotions. Well

54:46

thank you. I'm gonna come and see

54:48

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