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it on AutoTrader. See it, find

1:01

it, AutoTrader. David, I don't know if

1:03

you know this about me, but

1:05

I've always been a fan of exploring

1:07

new places, not like you, kind

1:09

of, you know, no, no offense. And

1:11

one of my best trips, listen

1:13

up, is when I stayed at an

1:15

Airbnb. It felt like I

1:18

was living like a local with all

1:20

the space. you know hotels

1:22

can be a hassle room service

1:24

and then the housekeeper housekeeping it's

1:26

a hassle so then you go

1:28

to Airbnb and you can get

1:30

whatever you want a little cottage

1:32

this and that it's fantastic you

1:35

have your own separate space so

1:37

it's a great product for people

1:39

who travel David yes I have

1:41

friends doing one of these right

1:43

now if you have a home

1:45

you can Airbnb it it's fantastic

1:47

I mean um to To monetize

1:49

your home when you're not there

1:52

seems like a good idea. I

1:55

mean, look, I'm on the road a lot. I could probably

1:57

do it. It's something that people

1:59

can do when they travel. They have extra space

2:01

or you're at a place not full -time. You come

2:03

in the winter, you leave in the summer. Second

2:06

home. something you should think about. It's

2:08

a way to get some extra money

2:10

and it's a cool experience. Your home

2:12

might be worth more than you'd think.

2:15

Yep. Find out how much at

2:17

Airbnb.com slash host. I

2:19

think we're starting Uncle Albert.

2:21

We're so starting. Go.

2:23

What a rough bad joke

2:25

to start with. Yeah. Well,

2:28

buddy. It's so bad. It's kind of hip.

2:30

I'm going to go with that. Yeah.

2:33

I'm dark again. I'm wearing black,

2:35

but that's okay. You

2:37

have a little bit of blue. Otherwise,

2:39

yeah, you'd be. If

2:42

you painted that wall black and wore that,

2:44

you'd be a floating head and there's nothing wrong

2:46

with that. I will paint

2:48

it a different color. I look fucking

2:50

awesome. It was my own brightness is

2:52

down. People like to see

2:54

this BTS. Yeah,

2:57

the whole light thing is

2:59

interesting. Sometimes too

3:01

much light ain't good. Yeah,

3:03

yours looks really good, but you have the window

3:06

right there and it's too bright for me to stare

3:08

into a window, I think, just so that people

3:10

don't know all my ailments. News

3:12

Flash finally got

3:14

curtains. Whoa,

3:16

the curtains are now I you

3:18

know, I know a multi -million

3:20

dollar. Well, actually we're the

3:22

comedy podcast of the year And

3:24

but technically we're just sort

3:26

of DIY But I have a

3:28

curtain that it's darker in

3:30

here than normal. Holy shit. I

3:32

didn't get CC'd on this

3:34

So you bought curtains in the

3:36

last week. No, my wife

3:39

had to order them from France.

3:41

They took six months. I

3:43

don't know what it is So

3:45

when I would take a nap, I'd have

3:47

bright sun right on my face. I'm trying

3:49

to snooze. Now it's

3:51

fantastic. Oh, yeah. Oh,

3:54

I have. I went farther than that, but I

3:56

do have drapes. Different

3:58

word for curtains. Drapes are

4:00

good. Okay. Here's a little insert

4:03

on drapes. Yeah. One of the

4:05

first regular comedians I ever saw,

4:07

Mark Miller. I'm just

4:09

going to little comedy clubs. I didn't, unknown comics.

4:11

I didn't know anything about anything. His

4:13

killer line was, sometimes I

4:15

wonder where the custom of urinating

4:17

on drapes came from. Something

4:20

like that. I thought, God, that's

4:22

brilliant. Check us

4:24

about it, yeah. It

4:26

was a fun -aided comedy and magic

4:28

club last night to bless you, to

4:30

prep for Boston and something. What

4:32

is it in New Jersey that had

4:34

the name Evanston, maybe? Oh,

4:37

she doesn't know. Let's

4:39

promote those gigs. Yeah, I've got those on

4:41

my next one. I want them to go clean.

4:44

I got clean. I got Omaha.

4:46

Des Moines is almost full. Low

4:50

ticket warning. Get

4:52

them while you can. You are hot.

4:54

I'm just going to say it. After landing,

4:58

for sure we have confirmation, the

5:00

most popular single moment. of

5:03

50 years of Saturday Night Live,

5:05

the special. A combination from

5:07

three or four different guests that

5:09

St. So, at this point, it's

5:11

a known fact that for the

5:13

50th year, it wasn't Lauren's show,

5:15

it wasn't, you know, John Mulaney,

5:17

all the superstars, Steve Martin, it

5:20

was David, our own, David's

5:22

maid, from the bleachers,

5:25

spontaneously St. Yeah,

5:28

I got a feel for it. It's

5:31

kind of an honor in a way.

5:33

I mean, we already got comedy podcast

5:35

of the year from my heart and

5:38

now we've got the number one line

5:40

spoken. Oh,

5:42

yeah. No, I'd like to hear that from the

5:44

guest. That always feels good because when you go

5:46

all the way out there and you want to

5:48

hang out there, you just want anything, a line,

5:50

anything. So I'm excited. By the way, for those

5:53

of you who missed those episodes, we don't bring

5:55

it up. I certainly

5:57

wouldn't out of envy and jealousy. I would

5:59

never bring it up. We never bring it

6:01

up. The guest brings it up and then

6:03

we talk about it for a half hour.

6:05

But we've never brought it up except today

6:07

because someone yesterday brought it up. Oh,

6:09

well, I appreciate it. And I will

6:12

tell you how this is moving to

6:14

Bergen, New Jersey. Bergen.

6:17

Geez, we can't even get it right at

6:19

all. I thought it was called Evan's Center.

6:23

Oh, are you going off market? I

6:25

mean, are you going into where

6:27

you're going to town now? You used

6:29

to play Pittsburgh, Chicago, Miami,

6:32

and now you're in Bergen, New Jersey. I mean,

6:34

no, you know what I haven't done in

6:36

a while, Pittsburgh and Toronto, and those two are

6:38

going to be on the list to get

6:40

to because when I announced tour dates, all people

6:42

do is say, why aren't you coming to

6:44

this city, blah, blah, blah. But I've hit a

6:46

lot of them. I, you know, I just

6:48

did Theo's. Podcast, it's

6:50

not until May 6th, because that's when

6:53

the Amazon special is. So it's going

6:55

to coordinate with that. But

6:57

we laughed. God, what was I to say about

6:59

that podcast? We laughed a lot. He

7:01

gives you high praise, of course, always.

7:03

Dana gets it from all sides. He

7:05

is a really good person. He's nice

7:07

to me. a personal experience. Yeah.

7:10

And he's running around LA now.

7:12

So we're editing that. My

7:14

week, oh, I did one Corpy. And

7:17

Dana and I, if you don't

7:19

know, voice text each other every day,

7:21

a bunch of dumb stuff. We

7:23

actually try to put work into this

7:25

podcast. It does not seem like

7:27

it, but we do. It's possible because

7:29

I never erase anything that we

7:31

would eventually release all of our, all

7:33

of our walkie -talkie chats. Cause when,

7:35

when, when people in the room,

7:37

like my wife and stuff or my

7:39

son, they hear them, they just

7:41

think they're so funny. because we're just

7:43

really being real. Right, because we

7:45

don't care at all. We don't care

7:47

at all. We're just trashing the

7:49

humanity. Humanity.

7:51

Humanity is in the crosshairs. Yeah.

7:55

The funny thing of my corporate was, I

7:57

think it was for the, of course,

7:59

I didn't understand it, these big companies. Heather,

8:02

was it the bank? The bank branding? Oh,

8:05

gosh, just no one thing. The

8:07

branding banks of America, whatever. Something with

8:09

banks, 2 ,000 people in Las Vegas,

8:11

a lot of fun. You

8:14

know those things where the CEO wants to

8:16

say hi, all this stuff. All those things that

8:18

if they're not in your deal, you just

8:20

do them. And people at home should know, there's

8:23

a lot of performers that are real

8:25

sticklers about that. Like, hey, the CEO

8:27

has this kid here. He wants to

8:29

say hi. No, that wasn't

8:31

part of it. You don't want to

8:33

just walk in and let the boss

8:35

who's paying you be nice to him

8:37

for a second. Well, you eat some

8:40

cantaloupe squares from your green room, some

8:42

writer. Yeah. So

8:45

anyway, by the way, that

8:47

guy was cool. His

8:49

kid was nice. And we had a good

8:51

show. It's supposed to do

8:53

an hour. Hours have been heavy for

8:55

these things, but you know, they pay

8:57

you. They want their money. would say

8:59

they don't know sometimes, you know, like

9:02

you'd be able to tell if it's been

9:04

a long conference. Oh, I always say, when did

9:06

they get up? Well, they got up at

9:08

6 a .m. How long have they been in

9:11

meetings? Nine hours. When was the,

9:13

is there an open bar? Yes. When did

9:15

the open bar start at five? When

9:17

do I go on 10? I

9:19

think you're going to want a 35 at

9:21

that point. Yeah. It's fun to see me.

9:23

Then after a while, they go, fuck this

9:25

dude. Let's get back. They want to go

9:27

party in Vegas or something. Or sometimes you're

9:29

a surprise, which is even funnier, because they

9:32

all start to get up from their meeting

9:34

and they go, hold on. They go, oh,

9:36

what? We've got a guest. They're like, oh,

9:38

come on. We just finished. But anyway, did

9:40

it. A lot of fun. At

9:42

four o 'clock in the afternoon,

9:44

that's a rare one. I

9:46

love that. What I hate is

9:48

10. I'm doing a private

9:51

party where I found out that

9:53

I follow a heavy metal

9:55

rock band for an hour. And

9:57

then I go up and they want me to

9:59

do 50. Ladies and gentlemen, I

10:02

hope you enjoyed Skullfuck. Now

10:04

here is Dan Garni. They're

10:06

going to have all the

10:08

flashing lights. Yeah,

10:11

please put the fireworks out.

10:14

Thank you for enjoying Twisted Pussy.

10:16

Here we go, we've got one more quick performer

10:18

who's gonna do an hour ten. Fuck

10:22

you, there aren't any drinks doing blow

10:25

and then I come out, wouldn't that

10:27

special? And I get to

10:29

stand here on just that line. Who has

10:31

a green car? You know what's funny,

10:33

I'll tell you this, last night at Comedy

10:35

Magic, because there's a lot of people who do

10:37

crowd work. Is there magic? No

10:39

magic last night, and it's funny because

10:41

they always usually have a magician. I

10:43

think because I had Bobby and Jeff

10:45

Cisario. All right, so no magic. No

10:48

magic, you know. the crowds are a bad mood

10:50

already. The crowds, if you

10:52

do crowd work, one funny trick

10:54

that comics do, have you ever seen

10:56

this maneuver? Like

10:58

they go, hey, how many kids do you

11:00

have? And they go, Two, they say

11:02

some normal answer. And then the guy goes,

11:04

oh, and he has no joke. So he

11:06

goes, the other night, this lady said she

11:08

had nine. And I was like, wow. And

11:10

he says a joke. And I'm like, are

11:13

you referring to another night when you

11:15

said an ad lib that was funny

11:17

in that scenario and repeating it? And

11:19

they're like, yeah. It's called, it's called

11:21

the pivot. It's like, it's a good

11:23

pivot. Two weeks or I had a

11:25

better ad lib off the top of

11:28

your head. How many kids you got

11:30

to what would be the. most reasonable

11:32

ad lib that would, you get

11:34

a laugh on just that. It's not a great

11:36

setup. Well, I think

11:38

I would, if you're good crowd work

11:40

guy, you go, what is the most

11:42

common answer? And I'll think of a

11:44

joke ahead of time. Well, I have

11:46

one. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, I'm

11:48

here yours. How many kids you got? Two.

11:50

Two. So your husband enjoyed his back sex?

11:52

That's heck to me. Fuck. So

11:56

you got your tubes

11:58

tied. Yeah. So you got one

12:00

from each nut. I guess you're done. I

12:03

didn't get my tubes dive. All right.

12:05

Fire three. So. OK.

12:08

What if I have four kids? Four

12:10

kids. OK. You're one shy of

12:12

a basketball team. So I say

12:14

get frisky. You've got

12:16

a full game of pickleball.

12:19

I have. We have seven.

12:21

Doubles. We have seven kids.

12:23

David Spade. Oh. What

12:25

team in the NBA are you on? We

12:27

have seven kids. What are you fucking

12:30

nuts? Yeah Dude,

12:32

this guy is jizzing

12:34

folks and it's landing

12:36

This guy's bullseye this

12:38

guy's Arnold Schwarzenegger sperm.

12:40

Yeah, I find my

12:42

way to the egg.

12:44

It's not the problem

12:46

for me. Here we

12:48

go swimming This guy

12:50

got seven yatsies The

12:52

good one as you

12:54

go with a couple And

12:57

they're not married. They're just

12:59

dating the first awkward laughs. And

13:02

what do you do for a

13:04

living? I'm a student. Oh, so you're

13:06

unemployed or oh, you're broke. There's,

13:08

you know, or you

13:11

say, go ahead. No, we said

13:13

this before, but it is illustrative.

13:15

We're on this topic. the

13:17

most popular put down in the 80s

13:19

versus the most popular put down in

13:21

the last five years. Most popular put

13:23

down in the 80s, someone heckles you.

13:26

Hey man, I don't come to Jack

13:28

in the Box when you're working. Huge

13:30

laugh. Today,

13:33

I don't come to your job and

13:35

slap the dick out of your

13:38

mouth. That's the difference in

13:40

the culture. Yeah. Yeah,

13:42

you see, I don't come to McDonald's and knock the broom

13:44

out of your hand. I

13:46

had never heard that. You never heard that? That

13:48

was what I used to hear. I don't come

13:51

to McDonald's to slap a milkshake out of your

13:53

mouth. I don't pull you away

13:55

from the milkshake machine. Well,

13:57

do you ever have a bid on how many

13:59

hamburgers they sold? Cause there were a lot of

14:01

people doing that. Oh, it was one billion for

14:03

a while. They used to announce it on the

14:05

out front. I think they went, you know, a

14:07

hundred million and they got to a billion. And

14:09

I think eventually they just go billions and billions. No.

14:13

And then they said, We've sold a

14:15

shitload. Believe this. Believe

14:17

me. Trust me. The golden arches

14:19

are actually made of diamonds. Yeah.

14:22

Well, I know we're going to talk

14:24

about topics, but I don't think the

14:26

topic of the movie news about the

14:29

rumor of the bodyguard. I don't think

14:31

we're going to talk about that. But

14:33

I heard that and I was going

14:35

to ask you if the movie, the

14:37

bodyguard, you've heard of it. I

14:39

know a lot about Whitney

14:41

Houston. I worked the director who

14:43

directed the bodyguard. Oh, that's

14:45

great. Mike Jackson. So I

14:47

know a lot about the bodyguard. Okay.

14:49

So what would you say if you

14:51

heard it was going to be Taylor

14:53

Swift in a remake? That's not a

14:55

bad pick. Yeah. Super

14:58

famous. I

15:01

got a feeling my blink on that

15:03

is that she would actually be a

15:05

really good actress and she'd be good

15:07

in it. Because Whitney wasn't

15:09

an actress, was she? No, but you

15:11

know, Costner is extremely talented and

15:13

really smart, and I think he made her

15:15

so he was, you know, the de

15:18

facto co -director. He's Costner, you know, he

15:20

directed Dances with Wolves, and I think he

15:22

made her good. I mean, if you're

15:24

on a movie where the director shits on

15:26

you or there's 3 ,000 takes, but if

15:28

you're with Costner and goes, no, just

15:30

do this, do this, I mean, she was

15:32

great in that movie. Or he's trying

15:34

to make himself look good and you look

15:36

bad. A lot of, you know, there's

15:38

people that they're starring and directing. You never

15:40

know what you're getting. But yeah, if

15:42

I was, if we were in a movie

15:44

together, I'd be your, you know, I'd

15:46

be your costner and you'd be the Whitney

15:48

Houston. I'd be like, David, I'll just

15:50

be, look, I talk like this, just

15:52

natural. You don't have to push, you know, and

15:54

you would be great. Then you'd carry

15:56

me out of every scene. Accepted.

15:59

I go, yeah, thank you. It's

16:02

more fun to go with it.

16:04

Yeah. Sneaky condescension. Yeah. You'd

16:06

be like, David, the reason I have all

16:08

the jokes in the scene, you know, it's just

16:10

too hard to explain. Let's just tell us

16:12

fantasize for a second. What would be the two

16:15

best leads for remake of the bodyguard man

16:17

and woman? Okay. So if

16:19

it's Taylor Swift, which I heard the

16:21

rumor and the rumor was the

16:23

director was the director of her era's

16:25

tour, which I don't know if

16:27

that's smart idea, but there's probably better

16:29

directors for story. Uh, maybe Michael

16:31

B Jordan. He's

16:34

maybe Ryan Gosling. Chris

16:36

Pratt and Katy Perry,

16:38

done. Wait, oh, you're

16:41

switching it, okay. Katy Perry, but

16:43

she's still shaking from her space trip.

16:45

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna

16:47

talk about the spaceship for the minute.

16:50

Okay, we're almost there. worked on it

16:52

for seven hours. It's so fucking

16:54

great. It's so fantastic. Okay,

16:56

well, hurry up to the bodyguard so we

16:58

can talk about Well, I heard. Should

17:00

we finish the, have we finished the

17:02

bodyguard? Yeah, we got it. We, we just

17:04

cast it. It's done. Yeah. Well, Ryan,

17:06

Ryan Gosling's on a bad choice. That guy's

17:08

great. Yeah. So go ahead.

17:10

So this has been trending a

17:12

little long. We're just going to

17:15

put it to rest here, but we're at the tail

17:17

end of it. I heard a rumor. It's gotten so

17:19

big, you know, the idea that a lot of it

17:21

was faked. A lot of people

17:23

wasn't quite real. Who was really in

17:25

the spaceship? All. So I

17:27

heard a rumor that they're

17:29

going to have a Senate

17:31

committee investigate it. Now. Oh,

17:33

wow. I hear you, uh,

17:36

Miss Gale King. Now

17:38

you and some folks. Bosley

17:41

went on a spaceship. Is that

17:43

correct? Yes. Yes, we did. Uh

17:45

-huh. And you were afraid of

17:47

going on that spaceship, weren't you,

17:50

Miss King? Sure. A

17:52

little bit. Now. Now.

17:55

Your best friend is Oprah Winfrey.

17:57

Is that correct? She's

17:59

my yes friend and quote.

18:01

Now she tweeted and by the

18:03

way, I have no being

18:05

my bonnet over this. I don't

18:07

have an apple up my

18:10

tush. I'm just trying to get

18:12

to the essence here. Now

18:14

your best friend, the essence tweeted

18:16

a week ago Tuesday that

18:18

my friend Gail King is going

18:20

into space. Wink,

18:22

wink. What are you supposed

18:24

to do by that? Her words, not mine.

18:27

Wink, wink. You didn't go

18:29

into space, did you? Order, order. You

18:31

never were in that spaceship, were you? Did

18:33

you say order, order? Order, order, order.

18:35

You never went up there. It was all

18:37

fake. How people are yelling? Hey, come

18:39

on. Good, this committee. My

18:41

up. This committee, sir, sir, Mr. Kennedy,

18:43

can. I'm sorry, my time's up. I

18:45

didn't mean to disturb you. Okay,

18:50

and scene. Patrick can jump

18:52

cut that. That's good. Maybe the

18:54

wink is more like She's

18:56

your girlfriend, right? But you're

18:58

like, well, why would you say she's going

19:00

up to space and wink wink? She's

19:02

my why did did you really say that?

19:04

I don't know. I made everything up.

19:06

Oh, I like it But there was a

19:08

fake hand and you know, you know,

19:10

I will say that the whole idea sounded

19:12

like Everyone was you know, not coked

19:15

up, but it sounds like an idea that

19:17

you do in college and you're wasted

19:19

and you go hey Do we

19:21

still, hey Jeff, do we still have

19:23

that old spaceship in the backyard? And he's

19:25

like, yeah, why? Well, we should

19:27

brush the cobwebs off. Could it get a

19:29

couple hundred feet in the air? I'm sure it

19:31

could. Let's make a national story out of

19:33

it. Well, here's how it happened, David. Okay,

19:35

let me know. I don't know how. Now,

19:37

slide of hand. They're getting ready. They're going.

19:39

They got their jumpsuits on, this and that.

19:41

Now, one by one, looks like they're going

19:43

on, but they're actually ducking around. There's a

19:46

trap door. Oh, okay. go. Safely

19:48

underground and they're like a hundred yards

19:50

away in the tunnel. They have the

19:52

dummies are put up. They're up. They're

19:54

popped up by remote. Okay They have

19:56

a little anti -gravity thing and their

19:58

little thing that they get in but

20:00

they never go up and outer space. That's

20:03

the other shot. There's a

20:05

little TV studio. Maybe they filmed

20:07

it first. They filmed their

20:09

anti -gravity stuff. That's better too.

20:11

Yeah, but there's no way and

20:14

They went in outer space. I'm oh,

20:16

wow. I but they weren't where

20:18

they not supposed to go. They're not

20:21

going to the van Allen belt

20:23

The one I couldn't remember the other

20:25

day wink. Yeah, I know it

20:27

now motherfucker thing now The first people

20:29

that went on that rocket. I'm

20:31

doing Kennedy again. Yeah, probably were a

20:33

little more serious because when they

20:35

do rockets the first 10 Usually blow

20:37

up then they had five successful

20:39

on successful ones. Let's put a dude

20:41

in it or a woman So

20:43

by the time they went up, it

20:45

was kind of like party time

20:47

and and then everyone's shit on them,

20:49

but it was just gals having

20:51

fun. I do have to say I

20:53

have two things to say. I want to

20:55

hear both very important. One is

20:57

I know they I know it's girl

20:59

power and they say women went up,

21:01

but at a certain point if we're

21:03

all supposed to be equal to say

21:05

five people went up that we always

21:07

separate people and it should be just

21:09

like Hey, they're good. They're smart. They

21:11

can get up there. That's fun. I

21:13

don't think they should consider it such

21:15

a victory. We did what the boys

21:17

did because there are female astronauts. Absolutely.

21:21

Also, when Elon saved those

21:23

people, no one cared about that. And even

21:25

the female astronaut that was up there

21:27

for nine months got about two seconds of

21:29

airtime. No one gave a fuck about

21:31

her because she wasn't a model, but she

21:34

did do a lot and she did

21:36

go through a lot. And that's a really

21:38

interesting story. And she

21:40

was up there banging around that tin can. So

21:42

she's a very interesting woman that should

21:45

get some award for something. But listen,

21:47

these women went up bad fun. I

21:49

don't even know how it started or

21:51

why it started, but it was a

21:53

really, really big story. If

21:55

not only on tiktok It

21:57

it it visited it visited us

21:59

on the podcast because yes,

22:01

Carol Liefer Was doing a show.

22:04

Okay, so it's three women

22:06

and it's and then all a

22:08

sudden they go ladies comedy

22:10

night out or whatever the name

22:12

But if you me and

22:14

you go out and do a

22:16

stand -up in the go boys

22:18

night out here. They go.

22:21

Yeah, right But more than half

22:23

the population is women Yeah,

22:28

they're doing a lot. And

22:30

the jokes were so pretty funny.

22:32

That's why we're at the tail end

22:34

of it. But some of the

22:36

stuff I heard on just reading an

22:38

Instagram, everyone was clowning on

22:40

and then they're getting clowned on

22:42

for clowning on it. Yeah, it's all

22:44

hysterical. It's all hysterical. It was

22:46

just, it was mild amusement for the

22:49

culture in the tumultuous times we

22:51

will perennially live in. So. Anyway. It

22:53

was nothing serious. It happened. Dana,

23:03

I'm a little bit of a spendy

23:06

Susie. A boozy Susie and a spendy

23:08

Susie. I'm more of a boozy Susie.

23:10

But yeah, you are a spendy spender.

23:12

Yeah. And a lot of our listeners

23:14

are nice enough to write it and

23:16

say, you look like you drank a

23:18

lot and slept on your face. But

23:20

that's... criticism. Well, it's

23:23

very concise, and you don't really

23:25

drink very much, I'll tell

23:27

the fans. No, just puffy.

23:30

This is where Klarna comes in. Klarna

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terms, and conditions apply. I'm

24:43

just gonna- That's right, they

24:45

do. I'm just gonna say

24:47

it. You

24:50

know, David, each day is

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himself, David, with cutting edge features like

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wrinkle release technology. That's cool. I don't

26:03

like that. I like that one. Stretch

26:05

that lasts through the wash so it

26:08

doesn't come out like a wrinkle of

26:10

mess. A tailor fit, every piece adapts

26:12

to your needs. Yeah, you know wrinkle

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release is good because I travel so

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It's like an elevated wardrobe

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27:35

randomly sometimes people ask for

27:37

your driver's license mm -hmm

27:39

And so I'd like to

27:42

see ID, please either they

27:44

have to scan it or

27:46

something whatever and then I

27:48

I'm a senior and I'm

27:50

trying to find my license.

27:52

And I feel like such a fucking early

27:54

onset demented idiot. I'm going, I, it

27:57

was in here, you know, and it's like

27:59

a car. It's between two

28:01

credit cards. And I put all the

28:03

cards out. It's like, it's like the

28:05

amazing Kreskin like, where the fuck

28:07

is my driver? And they're looking at

28:09

me like, you fucking boat. You're

28:12

like that magician Ronnie J or somebody,

28:14

you know, really. So it's like a card

28:16

trick. They go, you're like, it is

28:18

in my wallet. And then you pull

28:20

out a bunch of cards. It's going to be

28:22

one of these and you lay them out. Then

28:24

you start flipping them over. Is that my wallet?

28:26

No, that's not. That's my Montgomery Wards credit card.

28:29

Yeah, exactly. And they

28:31

really want the license. Here's my

28:34

Discover card. What else? Here's

28:36

my gym membership from Nautilus. Do

28:38

you have a, do you have a shtick? This is

28:40

what I do every time I hand a credit card to

28:42

someone. I just found it in the parking lot and

28:44

I really hope it goes through and then I kiss it.

28:47

Oh no, I was sick. They laugh so

28:49

hard. Do you have something? I

28:51

have when the check comes and you

28:53

go like this. Okay, great.

28:55

Who ordered the couch? That's

28:59

when it's high. Got nothing from Heather

29:01

on that one. That's funny though. That's

29:04

a good one. I like that. Yeah. No, and

29:06

then I go like this. Oh, hmm.

29:08

Do you have financial aid? And

29:13

then I go like this. Do

29:15

you guys have a layaway? Can

29:18

I do a layaway on this

29:20

crab cake? Oh,

29:22

I did hear this. Dana.

29:25

That at Coachella. Oh,

29:28

yeah. That they, you

29:30

know, it's getting so expensive in

29:32

the whole world that this is something

29:34

they're doing. Obviously, it's an expensive

29:36

world. I don't know

29:38

if it's a great idea to do

29:40

not layaway, but payments for concerts now. So

29:43

it's that. So you can

29:45

spend like... to get a

29:48

great pass to Coachella, but you have

29:50

to pay it off. Oh, here

29:52

comes Heather. Oh,

29:54

no. Fire Festival

29:56

2 is postponed. Who

29:58

would ever see that coming? Let me

30:00

just make a note. I'm going to have

30:02

to call Paul. When are you

30:04

going to tell Paul? I'm going

30:06

to call Warren Grant after this. Call

30:10

our business manager and say, hey,

30:12

I bought the million

30:14

dollar pup tent for that

30:16

one. Can

30:18

you just tell them to send it back to

30:20

me on Venmo? I think

30:22

sometimes human beings like things being expensive

30:24

because it seems like it's got

30:26

to be better. Like, yeah, it's a

30:28

$200 stake. Oh, it's got to

30:30

be good. And guess what? Everybody's not

30:33

so good. Yeah, I've

30:35

had some ratty shit. Yeah, rat

30:37

infested. Fatty.

30:40

Gristle is one of the worst words

30:42

in the English language. It's sickening, sickening.

30:44

Gristle. What about when you get, I

30:46

don't like wagyu, when they go, it's

30:48

the fatty meat. Don't want to say

30:50

the word fatty, is that your sales

30:52

pitch? Where you go, tuna toro, it's

30:55

the more fattier one. Sick, get lost.

30:57

I know, as if it's more flavorful. Sick,

30:59

who wants fat? No, I don't want

31:01

fat. My dad would always make us each

31:03

steak. He would buy the cheapest steak

31:05

you could ever get and put it in

31:07

a freezer in the garage. And

31:10

then you'd get it just gristle

31:12

and bone with a tiny bit of

31:14

meat on it. Oh, Jesus Christ,

31:16

get the gristle. Same thing with the

31:18

carol syrup. We couldn't afford maple

31:20

syrups. We got this white see -through

31:22

syrup, carol. And the aunt loved

31:24

it. It was so sweet. The ants. All

31:26

over it and inside of it. And he

31:28

goes, I go, God, there's ants in this.

31:31

He goes, Oh, Jesus Christ, it's protein! These

31:34

are quotes. Yeah, I believe

31:36

it for sure. Yeah,

31:38

I also, ants get too high on

31:40

it. They're like, what the fuck?

31:42

They're not ready for it. Yeah, even

31:44

the ants aren't just black. But

31:46

he would do this. get up Sunday

31:49

morning. He'd put so much

31:51

oil in this big pan, consider

31:53

himself this great chef. He'd

31:55

have a pancake batter. He'd make the

31:57

pancakes and they'd just be bubbling with

31:59

oil. On the oil? Yeah, on the

32:01

oil. So the first three or four

32:03

batches he would call crispies because the

32:05

oil would just harden and bubble over

32:07

and he got me a huge stack.

32:09

I'm like six years old. He goes,

32:12

oh, Jesus Christ. Dane loves the crispies,

32:14

which I didn't. So I ate the

32:16

crispies and then I threw up trying

32:18

to make dad happy. So horrible.

32:20

So sad. Let's

32:22

go back to Coachella because Coachella was

32:24

a big deal. It's also this weekend.

32:27

Is that your idea of having a

32:29

good, how many outhouses would there be?

32:31

I heard it was outhouse light because

32:33

I saw a city council meeting yesterday. What

32:36

am I watching? Where the guy

32:38

was like, and it was some old

32:40

woman going like this, you really did us

32:43

dirty. And he's like, he's

32:45

from like, what's it called golden voice,

32:47

whatever it does all these live nation.

32:49

He's like, Hey man, couple

32:51

of fucking blips. And they're like, yeah.

32:53

It was 12 hours of traffic.

32:55

They were stuck in. People ran out

32:57

of gas. Yeah, we got

32:59

some bugs, some hiccups. They always reduce it

33:01

to nothing. There's no bad...

33:03

She goes, there's no facilities. And

33:06

he's like, I know. Is this a

33:08

local woman? Yeah, she's in Palm Springs

33:10

and she's saying... She's 21 years ruined

33:12

our town. No, she's about 300. And

33:14

she's like going... why?

33:17

You ruin our city with

33:19

this shit. We had an

33:21

infestation of hippies on our

33:24

property. you know

33:26

the tattoo count? were defecatin'

33:28

in the backyard. They

33:30

pooped on our barrel cactus.

33:34

Yeah, there's people that... The best

33:36

move is to go to the

33:38

Madison Club, that really killer Mike

33:40

Meldman, you know, place down there

33:42

that has all the juicy houses. It's

33:45

like a... development. They

33:47

have them all over the country and they're just

33:49

so kick -ass. And you're close to Coachella, so

33:51

you can hear it. And what I'm hearing, Dana,

33:53

and do not fucking repeat this. Oh, I'm recording

33:55

this. Is it these girls go down there? And

33:57

of course, they have the trial a lot of

33:59

life. They get whatever. So some rich guy has

34:01

the house. They go down. They

34:03

stay at the house. Sometimes they don't

34:05

even go to the concert. They just

34:07

hear it and then just do their molly

34:09

and all their drugs at the house

34:11

and get wasted and take a million pictures

34:13

themselves. I love everything. The life. I'm

34:16

out there grinding. Well,

34:19

do people want to go there because

34:21

it's hard to get in and it's really

34:23

expensive and it's where the cool people

34:25

are? Does anyone really have a good time

34:27

at Coachella? Unless you have special passes.

34:29

I think they do. Special seats, helicopters. And

34:32

by the way, I just got to say. Yes.

34:34

I've watched Benson Boone. Is

34:36

that his name? Hmm.

34:38

Benson, the TV show? No,

34:40

Benson. Heather would know yeah,

34:42

I know with the with the

34:45

jumper. Yeah, so he looks like

34:47

he's in the 70s He looks

34:49

like a Burt Lancaster in the

34:51

movie trapeze. He's wearing like a

34:53

trapeze onesie Yeah, I saw him

34:55

and he did a flip off

34:57

the piano. Well, no, and he's

34:59

doing he's covering He's covering Queen

35:01

Bohemian Rapsy and then singing

35:03

the song and then doing triple flips

35:05

off the piano over and over again

35:07

and running and sprinting. So I had

35:09

to say, I was entertained. I'm

35:11

like, you're taking a circus performer, giving

35:13

him a really good. So he's tumbling

35:15

doing, and he did a magic trick

35:17

at the end. He had to pick

35:19

a card, any card as he finished.

35:21

Nothing really matters. And he flipped the

35:23

card and was like, whew. No, we

35:25

did not, did he? Because

35:28

first of all, Let's start with,

35:30

he's good looking. was kidding. Once you're

35:33

good looking, everything's easier

35:35

after that. Is he good looking? sing.

35:38

No, he can sing. Heather, is he? Yeah. He

35:41

can sing. Picking Bohemian

35:43

Rhapsody, the best part was bringing

35:45

the real Brian May to play guitar

35:47

and no one gave a fat

35:49

fuck. That was sad. Smattering

35:51

of applause for people like this. Who's

35:53

this old guy? I was able,

35:56

I was on a zoom with Brian

35:58

Mann a couple years ago, and I

36:00

said that Bohemian Rhapsody was a full

36:02

blown masterpiece of pop rock. And

36:04

he's very humble about it. Oh, geez.

36:06

Thank you. But he had had a little

36:08

stroke. He's recovered. He comes

36:10

out, giant mop white hair,

36:12

and he just nails it. And

36:14

it reminds you how brilliant

36:16

his solo is on that song.

36:18

It's amazing. The song's amazing.

36:21

But Benson Boone has pipes. I

36:23

guess he's good looking. I

36:25

don't get it. But no, I'm

36:27

kidding. And

36:29

Brian May, the comments

36:31

were like, who is that guy? He

36:33

needs conditioner in his hair. And

36:36

I was like, well, that's sort of

36:38

being superficial for a superstar guitarist. It's

36:40

probably voted one of the top 10

36:42

of all time. I

36:44

think he might be underrated on

36:46

those lists, but he's definitely known by

36:48

everybody else as one of the

36:50

greats. Everyone's

36:52

forgotten, David. I

36:54

know, every year that goes by. If

36:57

they, what percentage of Coachella

36:59

would know who Johnny Carson

37:01

was? Zero, one,

37:03

two. Zero to one percent,

37:05

yeah. So that's all right,

37:07

but they do know Queen

37:09

because Queen has, we are

37:11

the champions. You

37:14

know, Dana, no one asked

37:16

me this, but I did do

37:18

a video on YouTube for Funny

37:20

or Die. Clowning on Coachella

37:22

about 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, I

37:24

remember that you're at the table every

37:26

year they Yeah, Charlotte McKinney comes in

37:28

and I we make fun of her

37:30

for attending Coachella I would post it,

37:32

but you can't repost punny or not

37:35

funnier die. So it's funnier die still

37:37

around. I don't know

37:39

Let's let's look at a

37:41

clip Is it around Heather? Oh

37:47

They're on tiktok they okay they are because they

37:49

post the clips of it like one

37:51

minute clips of the whole

37:53

thing. It's funny. Yeah. Okay,

37:56

what's next story? Or are we doing stories?

37:58

Yeah, what's next? The

38:00

panel of five judges was ready to

38:02

hear his case when he asked to play

38:04

a video to make his case. May

38:06

it please the court. I come

38:09

here today a humble procedure for

38:11

a panel of five distinguished justices. Is

38:13

this... Hold on. Is that

38:15

counsel for the case? What

38:17

it turned into was possibly the

38:19

shortest career ever in a courtroom, in

38:21

part because what's on the bottom

38:23

right of your screen isn't a real

38:25

lawyer or even a real person,

38:27

but an avatar created by artificial intelligence.

38:30

The judge learning of this was

38:32

not pleased. I don't appreciate

38:34

being misled. It's like the

38:37

Palm Springs. No, she's not an

38:39

A. That's true, Dana.

38:41

This whole thing is out of

38:43

order. How we know this isn't

38:45

April Fool's show. So an AI

38:47

lawyer look like a clean cut

38:49

guy in a sweater. It looks

38:51

like Dave Couillier on Full House. Dave

38:54

Couillier look

38:56

alike. And that's our

38:58

future. That's our future.

39:00

I hate it. If we're

39:02

not rat -fucked between AI and April

39:05

Fools, we can't win. You

39:07

know what we're going to do and I'll announce

39:09

it now because it'll take time to get it

39:11

together is we're going to have digital copies of

39:13

ourselves do super flies. The

39:16

weird thing, it might be the best

39:18

episode. Oh, what if they're way funnier? What

39:21

if they don't stare in the camera at their hair

39:23

like I do? OK,

39:25

that was good, though, Dan. I like that one. There's

39:28

other ones. I could

39:30

see saying, you know, I thought

39:32

that was going to be that

39:35

the court was AI so they

39:37

could decide if you're guilty or

39:39

not just by facts with nothing

39:41

else. You know what I mean? No

39:44

personal opinion. Just this happened, this

39:46

happened. Here you go. Or the

39:48

law is this. Boom. That might happen.

39:51

Yes. I think so. Okay.

39:54

Who is this? The guy from the office?

39:56

No. Okay.

39:59

Speaking of which, this

40:01

guy tattooed KRUD

40:03

because you win 250

40:05

,000 on a radio

40:08

station. So he did

40:10

it. On his forehead and it's

40:12

huge. Yeah. Now play it. Tattooed the

40:14

word KRUD on his forehead, hoping

40:16

to win a $250 ,000 prize, but

40:18

it turned out to be a thoughtless

40:20

and insensitive April Fool's prank instead.

40:22

In 2021, a popular radio station named

40:24

KRUD ran a contest claiming that

40:26

they would reward $250 ,000 to the

40:28

first listener who tattooed the word KRUD

40:31

on their forehead. Mr. Bell,

40:33

hoping to support his financially struggling parents,

40:35

jumped at the chance and got the tattoo,

40:37

only to discover that it was all

40:39

a hoax. So, surprisingly, The radio station

40:41

had confirmed that the challenge was real when Mr.

40:43

Bell phoned them just before getting the tattoo. This

40:45

is the problem. was furious at being fooled into

40:47

making such a life -changing decision. Then

40:49

he closed the head. Mr. Bell sued

40:51

the radio station for $510 ,000. Oh, okay,

40:53

so. KRUD, however, claimed that it was

40:55

entirely Mr. Bell's fault for not recognizing

40:57

the obvious prank and that the competition's

40:59

terms and conditions clearly stated it was

41:01

an April Fool's prank. Despite

41:03

their arguments, the judge ruled in favor of

41:05

Mr. Bell and he was awarded the

41:07

$510 ,000 compensation for the prank. Wow. I

41:10

agree. I know, but

41:12

you know, if you watch it, he takes

41:14

out just a wet rig and just wipes

41:16

it off. Oh, and he does it back

41:18

to a temporary tat. Geez. Get

41:21

510 grand. 510 grand. Must

41:23

be nice. Must be nice.

41:25

Do we have anyone with

41:27

the bully, Greg? Oh

41:29

yeah, the bully's good. The

41:33

there's oh, yeah This one

41:35

has a surprise ending. All right.

41:37

This is everyone's nightmare in

41:40

school. This is spade

41:42

getting bullied. Yeah. No, actually,

41:44

I do hate bullies,

41:46

but go ahead. Well, just

41:48

say that. Yeah, this

41:50

this is self -explanatory, but

41:52

it's That guy So I

41:54

guess he's bullying his

41:56

teacher I think he's a

41:58

dad It's

42:13

like Jason Kelsey. The way that

42:15

guy walks! What's

42:24

our world coming to? Dude, no offense. I would

42:26

beat the shit out of every kid at that school.

42:28

I think that was a dad, a lumbering dad.

42:30

I think it was a dad that his kid got

42:32

bullied and he went in to stick up for

42:35

his kid. Oh, OK. You want to do that? It's

42:37

kind of chilling. Now I make you feel bad.

42:39

Now I make you feel bad for him. Yeah. And

42:42

then the bravery

42:44

and the shenanigans of

42:46

pantsing, hulking, angry

42:48

adult. But they sprinted

42:50

But they know he can't beat them up. He

42:53

can't move. I mean, the way

42:55

he walked is he waddled. He's a little

42:57

stiff. He played a couple of years and, yeah,

43:00

JV football. But

43:03

a lot of... Anyway, I don't

43:05

know if I love seeing his

43:07

nutsick. No,

43:10

that was the humiliating part. Maybe we

43:12

cut it out. That was like a scene

43:14

in me and grownups when they made

43:16

me walk up the stairs. Uh,

43:18

okay, so no, it's funny. If

43:20

they'll let us, it's fun. It's the

43:22

funny part. Look at this. just

43:25

a lot of stuff's happening that you

43:27

don't see, David. You know

43:29

what, Dana? You look, but you don't see.

43:31

You hear, but you don't listen. You

43:33

live in David world. Quick impression of you.

43:35

I'm going to call. I'm going to

43:37

have fun. I'm playing this city. And all

43:39

the while, this life is going on

43:41

outside your little spade bubble. you know

43:43

what's funny about koi is on theos

43:45

he's like remember i go remember we ran

43:47

into jellyfish or whatever that guy's name

43:49

is jelly bean and he goes uh jelly

43:51

bean and he goes yeah we were

43:54

at koi and i'm like of course we

43:56

were at koi how funny we were

43:58

at koi we go other places every story

44:00

comes into koi you and i don't

44:02

go to koi enough and i'm sad uh

44:04

it's got it yeah it's good they

44:06

we have fun there Yes, because

44:08

I like it. It's it's

44:10

nice and cool. The music's very

44:13

benign. It's dark and it

44:15

feels very you can set up

44:17

back now. It's even even

44:19

quieter. Yeah. All right. Next story.

44:21

Oh, right. KTLA, which I

44:23

listen to sometimes. Hmm. They accidentally

44:25

post post the N word.

44:27

I'm not laughing on technical error.

44:30

Twitter. Come on. What? Who's

44:32

on God's green earth? Yeah. He

44:34

said, here's what they said. I

44:37

think. Because this a story from LA. They

44:40

just put that word and

44:42

tweeted it out. But I

44:44

think they said, oh, we

44:47

were trying to put the

44:49

words to block. You

44:51

know, Heather, you had to block stuff

44:53

on my Instagram once. Oh. Oh,

44:58

yeah. This is posting, not settings. Yeah. So

45:00

it's a little flimsy we're hearing from

45:02

the audience. But

45:06

yeah. either way run from this

45:08

just please hope the world keeps moving

45:10

because are we gonna see something

45:12

taught or that was well it's hard

45:14

you get it they just put

45:16

a tweet out that just said that

45:18

word and they were like you

45:20

know like hey everybody and everyone's like

45:22

huh a news station and they're

45:24

like I

45:28

pushed wrong keys and sent mistake,

45:30

please. Yeah, they had one guy and

45:32

he has had a private room.

45:34

His only thing was to vet the

45:36

articles. Yeah. Well, I missed it.

45:38

You know, I thought, you know, I

45:40

had a big lunch, you know,

45:42

pepperoni. You know, make

45:45

me temporarily blind when I

45:47

press the send. Temper

45:49

insanity. No, no, it's perfectly

45:51

right. No. I shouldn't have,

45:53

but I don't. She's a beautiful.

45:55

Okay. That's a story. Next

45:57

one. Okay. You

45:59

went into Owen Wilson. Well, I was

46:01

going to do on Wilson, shaming the guy.

46:03

You got to be better with that,

46:05

man. You can't do that. You got to

46:07

tell him not to put out words

46:09

like that. As

46:18

a small biz owner, you don't

46:21

have the luxury of clocking out early.

46:23

This is very true. Your

46:25

business is on your mind 24 -7. So

46:27

when you're hiring, you need a partner that grinds it out just

46:29

as hard as you do. That hiring

46:31

partner is LinkedIn Jobs. When

46:34

you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. LinkedIn

46:37

makes it easy to post your job for

46:39

free, share it with your network, and get

46:41

qualified candidates that you can manage all in

46:43

one place. Yeah, I

46:45

think when you're trying to hire someone

46:47

There's a lot of different things you're looking

46:49

for, but you want them to kind

46:51

of have your your aesthetic, your sensibility.

46:53

If you were, you could look up those

46:55

words, David. Sure. And that's hard to

46:57

have a chemistry and match. So

47:00

LinkedIn is going to try to

47:02

shorten that for that process for you

47:04

and make sure everyone's heard of

47:06

LinkedIn. I mean, that's why because it's

47:08

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47:30

small business is the quality, quality

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of candidates with LinkedIn. You

47:35

can feel confident that you're getting

47:37

the best, David. Based on LinkedIn data,

47:40

72 % of... SMB

47:42

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48:01

slash candidates to post your job

48:03

for free. Terms and conditions

48:05

do apply. Listen, make this your

48:08

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This is the time, it's

49:38

very sunny in LA right

49:40

now, and this is the

49:42

time when everyone's talking about

49:44

traveling. I'm actually starting to

49:46

travel to go on the

49:48

road, but you got to

49:50

get quints involved because you

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need a quality suitcase at

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an economy price tag from

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Quints. You got to love Quints

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and you know. Got to love it.

50:01

I'm going to treat myself to some lux

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upgrades. You know, they have these lightweight

50:05

shirts and shorts, David,

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from $30 pants, any

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kind of pants or any kind

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of occasion. And the main occasion, yes.

50:13

And the main thing is they have

50:16

comfortable lounge set. So you want clothes that

50:18

you can travel in that feel comfortable.

50:20

That's all I'm trying to say. I like

50:22

when we're hanging out and you're always

50:24

talking about which lounge sets you're wearing. I

50:27

love having a good lounge set and that's

50:30

where Quince comes in. That's where they come in.

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They got premium luggage options, durable

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duffel bags to carry all

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this stuff. God, I have it.

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the middleman. You know about

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that's what you want. They work

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fly. Did you know

51:41

we talked about Jack Black who's on

51:43

the show who's not on? He'll be

51:45

on the show May 2026. No,

51:48

25. He'll be on in like a week. Yeah,

51:50

I'll be on in a week. He can't wait.

51:53

But we were joking about how people

51:55

go crazy when the chicken jockey comes

51:57

out, and I told you is real.

51:59

This is a real one, Heather, when

52:01

the chicken jockey comes out. They used

52:03

to throw popcorn. Okay,

52:05

when the chicken jockey comes out. Look

52:09

what they're doing, Heather. What? They're

52:12

lighting fireworks. Fireworks in

52:14

the... in the theater.

52:16

Wow. And

52:19

they're raining down on them?

52:21

Yeah. People are panicked and

52:23

running, screaming. And

52:26

there's some part of the movie where it

52:28

makes everyone go crazy and now it's a

52:30

joke, they all do it, like Rocky Horror,

52:32

but they're taking it too far. Oh, you're

52:34

saying this is Minecraft? Yeah. Oh,

52:36

and in a certain part, everyone comes

52:38

in and lights on fireworks. No, at

52:41

certain point, everyone would throw popcorn. They

52:43

would do that. But then this and

52:45

then a week later, it's escalated to

52:47

someone brought a live chicken in and

52:49

then people on each other's shoulders. Then

52:51

they started throwing fireworks when they see

52:53

the chicken. They. Yeah, just like, here's

52:55

our time to go nuts. And the

52:57

police came in when we talked to

52:59

Jack. It just started at a place

53:01

like, hey, guys, don't go throw stuff.

53:05

And now Heather only heard the word chicken.

53:08

No, the chicken got out of the

53:10

coop and had fun chicken got out

53:12

of the coop. Yeah, was a

53:14

lot too unpacked I will say this

53:16

is that the movies a smash but

53:18

when we talked with Jack he was

53:20

just hoping it would get to 700

53:22

million. I think it's getting very close

53:25

to that already It's only been out

53:27

two weekends. So I told him it'll

53:29

do a billion and If it does

53:31

I'll try to find him get up

53:33

in his grill a little bit. Hmm

53:36

Under us well seventh

53:38

he'll be on our show.

53:40

I think the I

53:42

think the No, but I

53:44

think what I think

53:46

was I thought Are you

53:48

all right? No, I

53:51

forgot my train of thought. He

53:53

said May 7th Many strokes are not

53:55

conducive to no talk show fodder.

53:57

Oh, I was saying this sort of

53:59

controversy helps a movie a lot because

54:02

every dopey kid goes, oh, we

54:04

gotta go see this and see what

54:06

people will do. Actually, I'm gonna

54:08

bring a handful of rocks and then

54:11

it escalates so they can get

54:13

on video and film it and post

54:15

it and be like, I was

54:17

at that one. Look what I did.

54:19

the only thing as follows, fireworks

54:21

fly around and fireworks can land in

54:23

someone's eye and fireworks could blind

54:25

someone in the theater and then the

54:28

chain has a billion dollar lawsuit. I

54:30

know, so the movie makes a lot,

54:32

the theaters bum out. They might sue the

54:35

movie too. Yeah, right,

54:37

I'm sure he doesn't want this much

54:39

chaos. I am a grumpy

54:41

old man and I don't like

54:43

fireworks and a theater. Put him

54:45

out. Pistol Pete, I'm

54:47

trying to watch John Wayne.

54:50

My day, we used to put silly

54:52

putty on a cartoons. In

54:56

my... We didn't have movie

54:58

theaters. We make a sock

55:00

puppet and make our sister

55:02

laugh while it rained outside.

55:05

We like that on fire. Yeah,

55:07

that's a feature film. Did you ever go to

55:09

a double feature? You go in at noon,

55:11

you come out at six o 'clock. Oh,

55:14

our drive -in? Not a

55:16

drive -in, two matinees in

55:18

the afternoon. I did double

55:20

feature in a drive -in, motherfucker. That's

55:22

like a raw dog. I did

55:24

all night creature features. How

55:26

i did not all night in the

55:28

drive -in watching Edgar Alvin poll vincent

55:31

price old -fashioned horror films till dawn

55:33

bitch My brother they know i'm

55:35

the scared one of the family hence

55:37

dandelion and they go hey come

55:39

with us to see the blood farmers

55:41

at midnight and i was like

55:43

that's not a scary one they're like

55:45

no You think from the title

55:47

i might have deduced that it was

55:49

scary it was so sickening i

55:51

had to walk out and walk home

55:55

at 12 Dana My friends and I

55:57

this is why I'm fucked up which

55:59

I probably said before we go Oh,

56:01

what's that? We're trying to see a

56:03

movie high school, but you know 16

56:05

What's that X or who sissy what

56:07

we go in? We're in the third

56:10

row of no I get your original

56:12

exorcist Never had no idea and it

56:14

really just disturbed me and I was

56:16

yeah, just I was flipped out for

56:18

a long time after that. I still

56:20

haven't seen it. Yeah, it's too much.

56:22

I swear I haven't seen it. Yeah, it's

56:25

a brilliant film. When they bring in the devil. You

56:27

know what, Coachella, I have to say, and it sounds like

56:29

a little bit of a pulp. Lady

56:32

Gaga, who is great, I don't

56:34

think they need this extra part where

56:36

they're all adding this devil -worshpings, Satanic

56:39

rituals in their act. It's not just a

56:41

quick thing. They do a whole thing. I

56:43

just think it's... I would walk out. I

56:45

hate to say it. maybe I'm alone, I

56:47

can't, I don't know why they do it.

56:49

I don't know why it's cool and I

56:51

don't know why. If worst case scenario, it's

56:53

just corny at this point. Sam

56:55

Smith, it's just so

56:57

like heavy and weird

56:59

and dark. Why, why,

57:01

why? Now listen, we had ACDC and they had

57:03

like a picture of a devil obviously in the

57:05

background, what this is, we know it's out there.

57:07

We just don't need it on the jumbo tron,

57:09

you know what I mean? Of life. Like

57:12

it's in the background every time we're

57:14

trying to get through life every day. Why

57:16

that offends me? I mean,

57:18

I pitched you and it was a

57:20

terrible idea. We did this gig recently

57:22

that you were going to be in

57:24

a really realistic devil costume, like

57:26

a big, long hands and nails. And

57:28

then I was going to be dressed the

57:30

church lady and we were going to

57:32

have like a battle royale. No, right, right,

57:34

right. And you got in the costumes

57:36

and you're like, I think he wants out.

57:38

Heather unzipped it. You came out like,

57:40

I said, why am I in the bad

57:42

team and you're on the good team?

57:44

Yeah. But yeah, they want a

57:47

trend. They're not, they, they're not

57:49

superstars because they're dumb. They know that

57:51

that's going to go somewhere. Devil

57:53

worship. What's, what's next though?

57:55

Hardcore porn. Right. Sacrifice. I mean,

57:57

it is, it is a slippery slope.

57:59

I think so personally. I sound

58:01

like a bit of a prude. But,

58:04

uh... Call me old

58:06

-fashioned. I like good

58:08

music when I go

58:10

to a music show. Yeah,

58:13

sorry. Sorry, I paid

58:15

my $3 ,800 to sit in

58:17

the 50th row. I want a

58:19

good show. Well...

58:21

I've got my green wristband. I

58:24

get to go to the, uh, nacho

58:26

stand in the Tater Junction Hut.

58:28

Let's do something, you know, let's

58:30

get a... a band that just

58:32

does all the monkey's songs from

58:34

the 60s and call it Coachella.

58:36

And it's like 40 miles away.

58:39

It costs like two dollars to

58:41

get in. Just make a mini

58:43

Coachella. Yeah, we

58:45

should do a different, but Coachella is hard to compete

58:47

with. It's a second weekend. They're going to do it. It's

58:49

going to kill. Okay. What's

58:51

the next story? Buskers.

58:54

What's a busker mean again? Busker

58:57

is the selling stuff. Oh,

58:59

just a street musician. Street performer. Yeah,

59:01

trying to make money. All right. Let's see how

59:03

good this guy is. All right. I'm

59:06

from Norwich. He's from

59:08

Norwich. Okay. Okay.

59:10

Oh, you do drums. Yeah. I'm with this

59:12

sound. Is that him?

59:14

That's him doing it. You know, they're kind

59:16

of invisible. It's just done by a computer. No,

59:19

he's doing his mouth. Oh,

59:21

okay. I can do that. Invisible drum kit.

59:23

Invisible drums. Here go. bass drum on

59:25

the floor. That's

59:28

pretty good, right? Yeah. To my left. snare

59:32

in the middle. The bongo is

59:34

on the top. What is this? The

59:37

floor toms. He's

59:40

doing a beatbox. That's

59:45

good. He's Michael Winslow. Yeah. Different

59:47

noises in this drum beat to

59:49

begin warming up the voice. Yeah.

59:57

Hey. Motherfuckers

1:00:03

say, huh? I'd like to know

1:00:06

what he's got coming through that amp

1:00:08

as far as helping out. Thank

1:00:10

you. Yeah.

1:00:14

Adding this sound. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

1:00:16

whoa. whoa. I can do that. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

1:00:18

whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. whoa,

1:00:20

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's having

1:00:23

a seizure. A little bit faster this time

1:00:25

while making a drum on bass beat. Everyone's

1:00:27

just walking by. No one

1:00:29

gives a shit. The

1:00:34

song's not very catchy. Up

1:00:36

the bass. All right. All

1:00:38

right. I'm gonna to to to give this guy a

1:00:40

buzzer. for for 20 seconds. Yeah, see if Danny can

1:00:42

do it. Shit.

1:00:54

It's a bus golf. good enough then. Yeah.

1:00:57

How about the hi -hat? I like when

1:00:59

they grab it. Yeah, you do sound effects. Okay,

1:01:03

you do. No, I can't do that one. Just do the. Shit.

1:01:08

Shit. Shit. Shit.

1:01:13

It's boring. It's so bad.

1:01:15

It's so corny. Why

1:01:17

does I want it? to get Sorry, sorry. proper.

1:01:21

Hey, Danny, you want to be bored? This

1:01:23

is what when people ask

1:01:25

me how I slept. I

1:01:27

know that. Some people just do it to be nice.

1:01:29

They They get warning, hey, sleep good. Do

1:01:31

not even stumble into that with me.

1:01:33

I'll go into a whole soliloquy. I'm like,

1:01:35

oh my God. So I was so

1:01:38

tired first of all. all. They're like, oh, are

1:01:40

you giving a real answer? like, mm -hmm. So

1:01:42

then I'm lying there, then I'm tired. But then I realize

1:01:44

I'm not even sleeping. And then I step to my side.

1:01:46

I try to sleep in my back. And then I heard

1:01:48

a noise. Everyone's like this. Please

1:01:50

end this. I go on

1:01:52

forever. It's horrible. Maybe

1:01:56

you need, do you wear a mask? Are

1:01:58

you one of those people? You wear a

1:02:00

mask. I have a CPAC on my wiener,

1:02:02

Yeah, and that helps you sleep No.

1:02:05

It just makes a noise, just feels

1:02:08

good I

1:02:10

I guess I could have, you know

1:02:12

about a half hour ago you were just

1:02:15

staring at me like this. And I

1:02:17

was like was that for us or for

1:02:19

something you're reading I Mm

1:02:22

-hmm. I think Heather was

1:02:24

snoring I I think I think

1:02:26

I think she read something

1:02:28

and she It was funny

1:02:30

though. All right. Well, thanks

1:02:32

everybody and thanks for listening. We

1:02:34

always appreciate it watch talk

1:02:36

to you later This has

1:02:38

been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly

1:02:41

is executive produced by Dana

1:02:43

Carvey and David Spade Jenna

1:02:45

Weiss Berman of Odyssey Heather

1:02:47

Santoro and Greg Holtzman Hope

1:02:49

you liked it. Oh you

1:02:59

You