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book now. Yeah,

1:22

Dana, I travel all over and sometimes,

1:24

you know, you're on

1:26

the road. Sometimes I get stuck

1:29

with a hotel I don't love.

1:31

And what happens is you think, you

1:33

see a few pictures, we

1:36

look online, then you get there. And

1:38

sometimes I was like, I should have

1:40

tried to do an Airbnb on this

1:42

one, you know? Yeah, I was on

1:44

a road trip to Montana and we

1:47

stopped in Winamucca, Nevada. And

1:49

in Winimucca, let's just say

1:51

there wasn't maybe the best

1:53

choices in Winimucca. So an

1:55

Airbnb would have had a

1:57

much better choice, but I

2:00

still had a good time

2:02

in Winimucca. Don't want to

2:04

badmouth the town. People

2:06

can also take their houses and make them

2:08

Airbnbs. That's the other flip side of that.

2:10

You go stay at nice ones, but if

2:13

you have a place, it could

2:15

be big or small. You never know.

2:18

Yeah. And while you're away, your

2:21

home could be an Airbnb.

2:24

Yeah. Your home might be

2:26

worth more than you think. Find out

2:28

how much at Airbnb.com/host. All

2:31

right. I know this is weird. We've done this a long time,

2:33

but could I get a selfie? It is a picture of

2:35

you. Yeah. Okay. Your best look. Okay. Show

2:37

them what that look is. And they'll look back at me.

2:42

You poked it pretty hard. You got it. Yeah.

2:44

Well, I had to mime it. It's comedy

2:46

shit. Well, here

2:48

we are. You can see our whole bodies. It's

2:51

not an illusion. Yeah. Are

2:54

we dreamboats? No. Have

2:56

we been on a boat? At least we're not

2:58

the same person that I want to accuse us

3:00

of. Yeah. I was going through

3:03

the comments, Dana, and just blocking people.

3:05

know. And no, I didn't know. I go

3:07

through other podcast comments and pretend they're about

3:09

me. I compare comments of other

3:12

YouTubes and go, oh, the people I hated them.

3:14

They're pretty nice to us. That's good. My wife

3:16

leads a little comment sheet, you know, that types

3:18

it out every day, so I get comments on

3:20

how I was the before. Oh, she does on

3:23

the fridge? Yeah, it's like comments. It's called... About

3:25

your performance and said, that one guy looks stupid.

3:27

You're like, was that about me, honey? That's

3:31

funny. So,

3:33

Dana, I was on the

3:35

road. I know you're riveted

3:37

by my stories about the...

3:39

What's it to her called?

3:43

Oh, yeah, I got a feel for

3:45

it. So I was on the tour.

3:47

We just started. We did New Jersey.

3:51

New Jersey. And we did

3:53

Boston. And

3:55

then I got some coming up

3:57

in Omaha, Des Moines, and

3:59

what? St. Louis. Oh, that'll be good. Home

4:02

of Nikki Gillespie. I know it is a

4:04

fucking grind. In America, you know I'm the

4:06

biggest pussy, so please come out. Because to

4:08

get on stage, to limp on stage after

4:10

all the travel. I know. For the love

4:12

of God. Do you want to still do

4:14

my act? I just want to get there

4:16

and touch the mic and go, I did

4:18

it. Let's go. But when I

4:20

hear the roar of the crowd. You've

4:23

been neverware, man. So here's what happens,

4:25

Danny. You would blow your brain down.

4:27

Or which flight? The hike.

4:30

Heather went on this one. I was with Dan

4:33

Levy, Catherine Blamford. Heather went to

4:35

just sort of supervise the children. So

4:37

we go all the way out there. We get

4:39

one of these. First class right,

4:41

but you know they kind of you

4:43

know planes more now. I should check

4:46

with you It's not the one that

4:48

they say it's like a little small

4:50

apartment No, it's domestic. Yeah, so it's

4:52

very rarely a wide body You know

4:55

do you know the difference between a

4:57

wide body narrow body is it a

4:59

seven two and two not two three

5:01

and two Seats that is wait, so

5:04

it's two on the outside three in

5:06

the middle Can be, can be, how,

5:08

depending on how they configure it. So

5:10

you're probably on a max, one of

5:13

those ones that tend to go, but

5:15

it's all right. Super max. Super

5:18

crash. So I went

5:20

on and I was in first, because

5:22

sometimes I do code somebody's first. This

5:24

leg, lingo. Goes to sleep.

5:26

I did. And this is like I

5:28

said first, but it was so

5:30

squinchy. I couldn't really camp out in there. It

5:32

was pretty basic. So it's just

5:35

eight hours of reading us magazine. And

5:37

my monitor is on the fritz, my TV,

5:40

they're like, oh yeah. And my Wi -Fi

5:42

doesn't work, so I'm really raw dogging it.

5:45

How long can I read the barf bag? Well,

5:49

I have a fear of flying and what's

5:51

great is on some flights, I try to

5:53

get on the Wi -Fi. And

5:56

I try for like four hours. We'll

5:58

be landing shortly. And all I did the

6:00

entire flight was try to get the Wi

6:03

-Fi. We're like tri -fi. When

6:05

I get on it, it goes credit card, this

6:07

isn't, everything didn't match. And I'm like, and they're

6:09

like, we're almost there folks. We're

6:11

wrestling with a robot. I mean, I want

6:14

to give them my money. No, here's the

6:16

thing. The Wi -Fi works when you sign

6:18

up for it and you pay. Oh, it

6:20

works perfectly. Then suddenly it's on the fritz.

6:23

Then it can't do anything. I'm like, how

6:25

did the money get there so fast? How

6:27

did that work? I don't get on Wi

6:29

-Fi when I want to pay is what

6:32

I'm trying to say. Anyway,

6:34

I'm saying I pay for it and then it

6:36

won't go through after No, I know that's the

6:38

worst. Okay, that's the double worst. Yeah, I'm rat

6:41

fucked. So you made it. So there I am.

6:43

There I am in beautiful new joysy. So I

6:45

walk around to a few bits on the street

6:47

just to warm up. Yeah. Anyway,

6:49

show's fun, great crowd.

6:52

Next day this where it gets complex

6:54

Dana. Stay close. I'm listening. I have

6:57

to take a get a little puddle

6:59

jumper to go. It's only like a

7:01

39 minute flight, right? So

7:04

it's a puddle jumper. Well, like a smaller

7:06

plane. You'd hate it. You'd hate it. I've

7:08

been on every plane. It's not props, but

7:10

it's a little skinny one. And now where

7:13

I go, it'll be fun if we're on

7:15

coach together jam together. So

7:17

I get on and they go, oh, you should

7:19

get on first, you know, let's get on first,

7:21

bad idea. You get on first to

7:23

give the, so you have luggage room,

7:25

you've never been in coach. I should

7:28

first. I started out in coach for years.

7:31

Oh, you've been there, you remember. Yes.

7:33

So I get my bags up, now

7:35

I'm squinched, and now we start the

7:37

taxi. I have a show that night.

7:39

So you get an itchy like, let's go, let's taxi, let's get

7:41

this thing on. Right, right. So. I'm

7:43

like, are we driving there? I'm like, hey,

7:45

there's the airport. No, we're driving over here. Taxing.

7:48

We're taxing for one hour. Really?

7:50

One hour? Yep. And then we're sitting there and I'm

7:52

like, everyone closes their window on

7:54

the plane. That's a new thing. Open. I want

7:56

to see where I am in the world. Oh,

7:59

we're still on the runway. We're about five feet from the gate. And

8:02

then after an hour and people are putting their

8:04

stuff in their butts in my face, I'm like,

8:07

I don't really care about coach. This one

8:09

was so tight and so these tight butts

8:11

in front of me. So I go, okay.

8:14

And then they go, hey, it's your captain. We

8:17

got a little snafu up. What?

8:19

Snafu. Snafu up here. And he goes, we've got

8:22

nine computers and eight of them are working. But

8:24

the other one I go, go for it. I'm

8:26

like, I don't care. Eight's fine. I don't know

8:28

what the ninth one does. I'm gambling. It doesn't

8:30

do a lot. But if we got eight that

8:32

are pumping it out and working hard. And

8:35

so he goes, we're just going to go back to the gate

8:37

and check it out. gate. Oh, one

8:39

of those. That's it. That's a

8:41

real corner. And you know you're fucked when

8:43

he goes. Actually,

8:45

we're going to have you grab your stuff and get off the

8:48

plane just while we figure this out. Well, that's

8:50

better. Because sometimes you sit on the plane,

8:52

maintenance is going to check it out. So

8:54

you see a guy in an orange jumpsuit

8:56

with a wrench, goes into the cockpit, comes

8:58

out, he's sweating. And he's shaking his head

9:00

like this as he walks out. he goes,

9:02

I'm not giving a lot of confidence. I

9:05

don't know, man. Is it righty, tidy,

9:07

lefty, loosey? I don't know, man. So I get

9:09

off, and I feel better than I'm off, but

9:11

I go, we got to rent a car and

9:13

go. We got to just go. Because my flights,

9:15

I got to get to Boston. I cannot at

9:17

this point. You went for the car thing. So

9:19

we start calling a car, and then they go,

9:22

it looks like we found a plane. We're going

9:24

to get on in a half hour. I go,

9:26

it's cutting close. And then they go, Well,

9:29

our planes, it's leaving from Charlotte

9:31

soon. I'm like, oh, so it's not

9:33

here. So what was that story?

9:36

So we see a pilot and

9:38

we go, dude, cut

9:40

the bullshit. Give it to me right down the

9:43

middle. Is this plane gonna take off

9:45

or should I get in that car? He goes, I'm

9:47

one of the pilots. They usually, if they

9:49

say a plane's coming, we're going. I'm like,

9:52

okay, because our windows closed now

9:54

for a car. So we wait

9:56

about an hour later. They load

9:58

us up. Hour of taxing get

10:01

there beep -bop -boop bop -bop

10:03

beep this and that that and

10:05

this mm -hmm run on stage

10:07

crush crush kill crush crush standing

10:09

no standing no standing. Oh, yeah,

10:11

yeah jumping jacks kill kill kill

10:14

kill everyone's shooting off bottle rockets

10:16

Roman candles anyway great show worked

10:18

out and That's a story that

10:20

could have been 20 seconds I

10:23

have a 22nd one, so my wife

10:25

and I are in Paris, metaphorical. We

10:27

don't travel ever. And we're going on

10:29

an A380. It's like a, you know,

10:31

basically a shopping mall with wings. It's

10:33

so huge and they drive you out

10:36

in this car and they're playing music

10:38

and we go up on the gangway

10:40

and it's French, it's Air France. So

10:42

a guy's like Mauricio Valle for you

10:44

older folks. Mauricio Valle. He's just a

10:46

charming French guy and he meets us.

10:48

We are pretty much probably going to

10:50

take off, but right now we have

10:52

a maintenance problem. So I suggest you

10:55

go back to your lounge and come

10:57

later. So guess what? They fixed

10:59

it and we went and I was not

11:01

happy on the climb out. to climb out.

11:03

Is that when you leave and go like

11:05

that? Well, once it's, the first 20 seconds

11:08

are the most dangerous part of the flight.

11:10

So you just, you know, you just wait.

11:12

If you go to two minutes, the odds

11:14

go to 20 million to one. So

11:17

I just allow myself to be nervous. After

11:19

how long? Two minutes? I asked my, I

11:21

allow myself to be nervous for two minutes.

11:23

I count from one to 120 back to

11:25

zero. And then I just go, fuck it.

11:27

Yeah. And then this is before I go

11:29

to the airport though. Good

11:32

night. Boom. But

11:34

that's it. So I did that, got

11:36

back, my voice was a

11:38

little low and we had Larry David today and I

11:40

go, he better not think I'm sick.

11:43

He will flip the fuck out. I'm

11:45

not sick guy. It's called being super fucking tough.

11:47

That's wrong. I don't think he's phobic because afterwards

11:49

he was so great. I just spit in my

11:52

palm in front of it. Put it there, pal.

11:54

Yeah, I that. And he did. Yeah. It's a

11:56

big handshake. He wanted to wrestle out there. I'm

11:58

like, wrestle. I don't wrestle. He's like, no, just

12:01

grapple around a little bit, take our shirts off.

12:03

He gave me the whiskers like my dad. He

12:05

got on top of me and he's like, Revenant.

12:07

Oh, that's fun. You know what

12:09

the most embarrassing part of that is when

12:12

you get a boner and you're like. This

12:14

did not happen with our friend Larry David.

12:16

No. No, it didn't happen. This is Jerry

12:19

Seinfeld coming into Superflight just to say, no.

12:22

Uh, he was great though, but he's on, he's

12:24

on a flying wall right now. He's

12:26

literally on, as we speak, he's on

12:29

there and he was, uh, he had

12:31

two, uh, had two, uh, purple knurple.

12:33

He had two tomato boom booms at

12:35

the desperate sponge. I've

12:38

done these Carson things for the last

12:41

three years working. I've got desperate sponge

12:43

and I have not been able to

12:45

beat it, but I have one. I'm

12:47

going to try right now and super

12:49

fly that doesn't beat it, but for

12:51

some reason it really makes me laugh.

12:53

I had two double deckeries at Banana

12:55

Dan's at the Prickly Plane. Banana Dan's

12:57

is funny, right? I know, that's a

12:59

quicker one. Because Aaron... No, it's funny.

13:01

I'm sorry. Listen, by the way,

13:03

it sounds chaotic, but we have our buds coming in

13:05

here to jump in and join for the news. Because

13:08

we're, I just like, I'm more amazed, even

13:10

our stories are dumb, I'm more amazed we're

13:13

both sitting here and we get to show

13:15

our whole hands and minds fun. Right. We're

13:17

showing our legs, feet, hands. You get to

13:19

see the carry -on wood calves I got

13:21

going on here. I'll just say it. Gap.

13:24

Brooks. Brooks. Oh, yeah. Dan

13:27

Dana, are you wearing? 10 years old. Or

13:30

Banana Republic. Cords. Banana Republic

13:33

stolen Levi. Whole

13:35

outfit. $39. is this

13:37

little cutie? Whoops.

13:41

Oh, don't give yourself lacy with

13:43

the glare. Don't be jealous. It's

13:45

solid gold with a solid diamond

13:47

arm. It's a Rolex. What? No,

13:49

I have one good watch and

13:51

our mystery guest is coming downstairs.

13:54

One of our old buddies. Oh, this is fun. We

13:56

do have a mystery guest. Yeah. Okay, so we're not

13:58

going to advertise. We've not advertised

14:00

our guest. Shoot

14:02

is. Oh,

14:05

yeah. Oh, no. Carol Chan will be

14:07

here a minute. Yeah, as

14:10

we stare at the door and I like

14:12

two puppies. Brook Shield? Oh, I

14:15

tell you, we got to get Brook Shields on. She's great.

14:17

I flew with her once. I hear

14:19

her. Thanks for picking us. It's

14:22

our mystery guest. Interesting.

14:26

We're going, Kev, so just come sit down

14:28

or whatever your name is. just rolling. You're

14:30

just walking into television. Careful.

14:33

This is like the tonight show. Let's bring out

14:35

our first guest. Hey,

14:37

what's good to see you bud? There

14:40

it is. Kevin

14:42

Nelon. Oh

14:45

my god, that's the first thing that

14:48

brought us something. Whoa!

14:52

It's your job, Gilligan. Anyone

14:54

try these fucking chairs? I

14:57

said Kevin is... Yeah. Properly

15:00

sized, one for one. Man, I told him to

15:02

give you space. Yeah,

15:05

they got a fucking box of groceries for some reason

15:07

over there. All right, you're fine. So what is this

15:09

stuff? Let me see. That

15:11

is a little

15:13

cream puffs. Dana,

15:22

I'm a little bit of a... Susie.

15:24

A boozy Susie and a Spendy Susie.

15:27

I'm more of a boozy Susie, but

15:29

yeah. You are a Spendy Spender, yeah.

15:31

And a lot of our listeners are

15:33

nice enough to write it and say,

15:36

you look like you drank a lot

15:38

and slept on your face. But that's

15:40

just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise.

15:43

And you don't really drink very much, I'll

15:45

tell the fans. Just

15:48

puffy. This is where Klarna

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comes in. Klarna is your everyday smarter

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of people need. A lot of my

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you to make smarter decisions with your money.

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is all you need. We just

18:04

show clips in the internet. We'll

18:06

see. Right now I would not

18:08

join a modern day hunting party

18:10

of men because the question is

18:12

100 men versus one full grown

18:15

silverback gorilla. No chance. There are

18:17

people out there like this that

18:19

are saying that a hundred

18:21

guys would win. And no, no,

18:23

it wouldn't. No, just flat out,

18:25

no. A gorilla's skin, you can't

18:27

bite through it. Other bones, somewhere

18:29

between. There goes my plan. Learn

18:31

that the hard way. As ours.

18:34

Their hand, like their grip force is

18:36

something like 1 ,500 pounds. You could

18:38

talk, could make you jizz in two

18:41

seconds. You know, if they came

18:43

at him one at a time, they wouldn't win.

18:45

The gorilla would win. But I think if they

18:47

all jumped on at the same time and poked

18:49

his eyes out. Yeah, I think

18:52

that the trick is the eyes of the nuts. I

18:54

think if the gorilla just put its giant

18:57

arms down and just sat back and went,

18:59

go ahead, your best shot. So I substitute

19:01

Yoda. How do you do a gorilla

19:03

talking, Kevin? Well, here's what I would

19:05

do. I can say you were on a spot

19:07

he was on to something. You take the balls

19:09

and you shove them in the eye sockets. You

19:12

cannot see through balls. You cannot see

19:14

through balls. So then he's blind. You

19:17

see through mine, I'll tell you that. Many

19:19

have tried. Franz say about a gorilla? Well, you

19:21

know, let me tell you something. Hans,

19:23

you know, there's no maths for us. You know, you get

19:25

us in the jungle and we just go, hey, crazy,

19:28

you know. The humans were not the

19:31

primitive primate. You don't need 100, you

19:33

need two. You two, Hans and

19:35

Franz. You have no... How many guys would it take,

19:37

though, to take down a, let's say a chipmunk? Let's

19:40

start with a chipmunk. Yeah. A

19:42

chipmunk ground squirrel first. Yeah.

19:45

And then you work out. This guy,

19:47

here's what happened. You're right, Kevin. The

19:49

strategy is, I'd start with a push

19:51

fight. Just let the grill, I get

19:53

a feel for him, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay, he

19:55

is pretty strong. Yeah, what are you looking at? His

19:58

skin is tough. Okay, and then I'd tell everyone else

20:00

to go first, because he's gonna get winded. I

20:02

mean, if he's just plowing through guys, it's

20:05

hard. You need everyone to go at once. Like go,

20:07

and then everyone grab an arm or something. It's just,

20:10

but it's too tough. It is too tough. Well, you

20:12

know, they say to get rid of a shark, you

20:14

just punch him in the nose. Yeah. So maybe that

20:16

works with a grill, it's a... Yeah, how about this

20:18

guy? I think we should try it. One foot or

20:20

maybe 18 inches of water or maybe two feet of

20:23

water, great white and a

20:25

gorilla fighting in two feet of

20:27

water. Okay, I got

20:29

the plan. Where's Mr. Beast? I got the plan right

20:31

here. He'll put this together. I don't know why we

20:33

didn't think about this earlier. You

20:37

have some kind of ether,

20:40

you know, and you put it over his nose

20:42

and mouth and knock him out with the ether.

20:44

you know, with a bag of like, you know,

20:46

a cloth, a beater, put it over. And

20:48

then he's out. And he just stomp on him,

20:50

I guess. I'd say a hundred guys would always

20:53

cheat. cheating. A hundred guys

20:55

with chainsaws versus the gorilla. I guess they're

20:57

saying you can't use any kind of weapon.

20:59

Yeah, I would think you don't even have

21:01

to say that. Please. This is new rules.

21:03

Okay, people. Okay. New rules. A

21:05

hundred guys with Yeah. I can't. Sorry, Bill. Okay.

21:09

Okay. Is this

21:11

worth it? Let me see. Mathematician

21:13

who refused to accept a Fields medal

21:15

and the one million dollar clay prize

21:18

Yeah, he wins a prize and they

21:20

give him a million looks like Bill

21:22

Hader and makeup What is a million

21:24

dollar clay prize? I don't know play

21:26

it. Let's see if it's worth a

21:28

shit Oh, he's not interested in money

21:30

or fame. I don't want to be

21:32

on display like an animal the zoo

21:35

I'm not a hero to mathematics Ah,

21:37

finally. You were disturbing me. I'm picking mushrooms.

21:40

Oh, yeah, this guy's just out fucking. a prize and

21:42

he just rejects it? Is that school? Yeah, he's old

21:44

school. He's like, I just do math, dude. Get out.

21:46

I'm not trying to be in good will, honey. Man,

21:48

you have any, what are your favorite heroes of mathematics?

21:50

Oh, I've got a lot. You gotta

21:52

start with Newton. You gotta start with Newton. You

21:55

gotta start with my car. He

21:58

is Isaac Newton. And if we knew

22:00

another mathematician, we would say that's the

22:02

next step. Einstein. Karl Marx was an

22:04

incredible eterythmatic. Oh, yeah, and a great

22:06

comedian, too. Yeah, he had an abacus.

22:11

Oh, okay. Thanks

22:13

for running over me. Were you good at math? I was

22:15

very good at math. You good. This guy's a

22:18

whiz kid. Really? I was a whiz kid, but

22:20

you know, I got out of it. I think

22:22

I hit a wall. Something stupid like geometry didn't

22:24

click with me. Yeah, yeah. All my scholarships went

22:27

down the drain. That was the only one I

22:29

was good at was geometry. Oh, meet mop, square

22:31

peg. Algebra. I like

22:33

that the best because I'm good with pictures, you

22:36

know. Oh, yeah. But there's numbers on that go

22:38

with pictures. Yeah. Were you good at multiple choice?

22:41

Yes, for the sad guy. Can I give you one? Yeah.

22:43

Okay. What doesn't belong here?

22:45

Apple, pear, banana,

22:48

tank. What

22:51

kind of banana? Is it sequita? This

22:54

is a trick question. Yeah, it is. Is tank the name

22:56

of a fruit? Kevin

22:58

was shocked when he said, if math was

23:00

more pictures than numbers, he would have been

23:02

great. I would have. Turns out it's more

23:05

numbers, I think. What's your top five worries

23:07

in just your personal life? Climate change in

23:09

the mix. Kevin, is your number one worry

23:11

you're set at the improv? My

23:14

number one worry is that gorilla. Yeah.

23:18

If it's that gorilla they showed, I would be scared,

23:20

but go ahead. How about a thousand men trying to

23:23

take it down? How about me taking on a hundred

23:25

gorillas and let's see what the fuck's going on? How

23:27

about one gorilla takes down five? Well, I

23:29

think, you know, the top five words I

23:32

think for everybody is, except for Spade, is

23:34

financial. Financial. And

23:37

then health. Right. Yeah.

23:40

And then your car. They always say invest

23:42

wisely. And then bags under your eyes. Bag

23:45

eyes. That's one of mine. And then any

23:47

kind of rags. tunnel. Thanks comments. Carpool tunnel.

23:50

Did you honestly, no joke, did you sleep on

23:52

your face last night? Someone call

23:54

me a pound puppy. That's what people say to

23:57

me, I'm sorry. Do you know those old pound

23:59

puppies? They have dogs that think droopy baggy eyes.

24:01

Yeah. I'm going to Brad Pitt's guy and I'm

24:03

going to say take a samurai, do whatever like.

24:05

Why Brad Pitt? Does he? I don't think he

24:07

just looks good. If anyone looks good, I want

24:09

to. Do you use a CPAP machine at night?

24:11

Do I? Yeah. I do not. Do

24:13

you want me to? It's kind of fun. What does it

24:16

help? It helps if you're snoring.

24:18

Or if you wake up with sleep apnea, where

24:20

you gasping you know you have it? Oh, you'll

24:22

wake up. I do, yeah. I do. You wake

24:24

up and you're gasping? Yeah. I do that. Oh,

24:26

what if you wake up and you're kind of

24:28

like, that was a sexy dream. You don't have

24:30

apnea, right? Oh, no, no. If you're waking up

24:32

with a boner, let's look at a clip. Not

24:36

mine. That's me. By the way, like these two

24:38

guys, because we just sat here together, like

24:41

Kevin's rhythm comedically in yours, just

24:43

there's symmetry there. I mean, it's

24:45

kind of nice. But who came

24:47

first? different. No, Kevin. By the

24:49

way, we can mention it here

24:51

mention layer Kevin is shooting a

24:53

special Yes at the Irvine Improv

24:55

great room great room credible. What

24:57

are the dates? The

24:59

dates gonna be May 10th

25:01

Saturday at the Irvine Improv

25:04

and I you know shows

25:06

two shows six and 830

25:08

Irvine Improv tickets are going

25:10

very quickly low ticket warning

25:13

No, Irvine does fill

25:15

up and it's such a good comedy crowd

25:17

They're really good. Yeah, people should check this

25:19

out because Kevin, I've been watching for years

25:21

and years and always guaranteed funny. I see

25:24

you doing even practice sets at the improv

25:26

killing. Kevin Yellen is everybody's, all the comedians

25:28

know he's one of the all -time greats.

25:30

Everybody's friend's favorite comedian. Now, you know, they

25:33

said, neighbor Gatti goes, I'm everyone's mother's favorite

25:35

comedian. Yeah, right. Is this, do you feel

25:37

like you're at the top of your game,

25:39

coming special? I'm at the top of my

25:41

game. feel like an athlete. I'm at the

25:44

top of my game and it is downhill

25:46

after this, I'll tell you that. But I'm

25:48

telling you, I've been working a lot on

25:50

the road lately and I'm, gotta be honest

25:52

with you, I'm kind of funny. I'm

25:55

kind of funny. Oh you are. Yeah. And

25:57

I can't wait to do this actually. I'm

25:59

really, you know, I used to, I did

26:01

other specials before and I was kind of

26:03

worried about it, you know, the exact same

26:05

thing each show. But now I'm just going

26:07

in, I'm having fun. Yeah, it is such

26:09

a mind thing if that. It is a

26:11

mind thing. Let's

26:21

keep talking. Okay, keep talking. So we're talking

26:23

about Kevin's special tickets are going very very

26:25

fast Irvine Improv May 10th Irvine Improv. He's

26:28

at the top of his game. Top of

26:30

my game. It is like an athletic thing.

26:32

Scotty, I gotta tell you this I've been

26:34

doing a lot of research on specials. I've

26:37

talked to Dane about this and I've been

26:39

going on Netflix by the way There's like

26:41

a thousand specials in Netflix. So I don't

26:43

think there's specials anymore So I'm looking at

26:46

different backdrops that people are using you know,

26:48

to get an idea. And

26:50

then I came across yours. And

26:53

I thought, well, me hear what, let me hear what

26:55

Spade does in his act in the beginning. Let me

26:57

see how he gets into it. And

26:59

you did a bit that was exactly the bit

27:02

I was going to do. Oh, really? Yeah. And

27:04

I thought, oh my God, that was like my,

27:06

that was my coming out of the gate, get

27:08

him on my side, and then I could just

27:10

cruise for the rest of the show. And what

27:13

is the bit? The bit is, I just do

27:15

a truncated, but he really milks it. He's got

27:17

a better, But I

27:19

say, so I'm outside, right? I'm out

27:21

in front of the club, and I'm

27:23

talking to this woman. I

27:25

don't know who she is, fan. And

27:28

she's one of these people who likes to

27:30

announce that she's a hugger before she hugs

27:32

you. She says, I'm a hugger. And

27:35

I say, well, I'm a kisser. And

27:37

she wasn't a hugger anymore. And then I go

27:39

on. But so I'm watching Spade's

27:42

thing. a good quickie. Oh, shit. Is

27:44

that in your special? It was kind

27:46

of because was during COVID. I'm a hugger

27:48

than she is. He's an as -grabber

27:50

and all that. So just absolute, sometimes it

27:52

happens parallel. Yeah. I mean, there's so

27:54

many comedians out there now. I mean, people

27:56

are, a lot of comics are doing

27:58

the same hunks, same topics. And

28:01

I'm going through these things. I'm thinking, okay, gotta get

28:03

rid of that. No. Gotta get rid of that. Gotta

28:05

get rid of that. No one sees it at all.

28:07

your spin on it because back when we started, everyone

28:09

had a 7 -Eleven joke in McDonald's. But then I

28:11

was like listening to Dennis Miller and I'm like, well,

28:13

he's not a hack. He's doing all of them, but

28:15

he just does his version of it. So as long

28:17

as it's your version of each joke, who cares? Well,

28:19

I like the way you did my version of it.

28:21

Yeah. Really well. Yeah, you know, I

28:23

remember that night you went and saw Kevin at the store

28:25

and you go, he was really funny. His opener was great.

28:27

I said, I have no ideas for a special. Then I

28:29

saw him and I go, I have a lot of ideas.

28:32

And then you said, all a sudden you had

28:34

a new act, but you said you saw him.

28:36

there, and then you also saw him at the

28:39

Isis. No, I just did one. But you're gonna,

28:41

Dana was telling you about shots. Dana wasn't happy

28:43

with his shots. Yeah, he liked the cowboy shot.

28:45

And so you try to go loose. Even this

28:47

is like, it's really nothing, but

28:49

it's kind of important. Dana and I like to

28:51

show both of us, so it's just like a

28:53

more of a bullshitting. Let's let them in on

28:55

what the cowboy shot is. This is like, it

28:57

started with Steve Allen, I think, or Carson, comes

28:59

out for the monologue. If he had a pair

29:01

of six shooters, you'd still see

29:03

the bottom of the guns. so it's sort

29:06

of like mid -upper thigh and also then

29:08

if you if you gesture like so I

29:10

went to uh Nova Scotia you could still

29:12

see the hands in the frame yeah yeah

29:15

that's why so that's the shot you want

29:17

to stay on most of the time the

29:19

special I did for some reason they didn't

29:22

they had eight cameras they didn't have that

29:24

shot yeah they had head to toe or

29:26

here or here tight and here is good

29:28

for horror films but for comedy it's editorializing

29:31

And when it's that Jimmy Kimmel, Fallon, they

29:33

all do, Colbert, they all do that cowboy

29:35

shot. You should be a cinematographer. You're

29:38

so good at noticing those things. thinking of

29:40

that, I know, I can't it. Well, when

29:42

you, there's always a shot of sweating, like

29:44

a tight worst. Some comic, you're

29:46

like, oh, this guy's working. I think just the title

29:48

alone will bring people to my show. Oh, what is

29:50

it? Okay, what's the title? Loosen the Crotch. Loosen

29:53

the Crotch? Loosen the Crotch. Hilarious. Mostly.

29:56

I like it. I'm doing one

29:58

too. It's called What's Up, Bitch? Oh.

30:00

Yeah. And who is she? I'm

30:03

trying to stop yours. David, if your special

30:05

wasn't dandelion, what was it going to be?

30:07

It was going to be in between benching.

30:10

That's good. Actually, a friend of mine,

30:12

Larry Bubbles Brown, is like, just very funny.

30:15

That was where I got the line

30:17

from. He wanted to name my special.

30:19

Don't laugh, bitch. You're next. I

30:22

don't want to. it's such a painting a

30:24

picture of something. You're just called dandelion? Yeah.

30:26

That's a great title. That's like Chris Rock's,

30:28

you know, tambourine. I don't mind one word.

30:30

It's kind of vague. And it really kind

30:32

of means, because in one of my bits,

30:34

I say, I almost got in a fight

30:36

at McDonald's. And I say, guys, I can't

30:38

get in a fight. I'm a bit of

30:40

a dandelion. I look tough on TV, but

30:42

I will break easy. And I couldn't think

30:45

of a title. But that's good, too, because

30:47

you could kind of refer back to it.

30:49

Well, that's, you know, when

30:51

I did dandelion. You know, as opposed to, that's

30:53

when he did Loosen the Crunch. It's

30:55

not the same, really. Don't you love when

30:57

people refer to shows they do and truncate

30:59

it? I knew a guy I worked on,

31:01

say, by the bell, and he'd wanted it

31:03

to seem more fancy. He goes, yeah, that

31:05

was when I was working on Bell, you

31:07

know? Yeah. And, you know, S -A -B

31:09

-D. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah, we

31:11

worked on Bell, you know? Yeah. But, you

31:13

know, I was working on Dandy. You know,

31:15

that was my Dandy special. I know, Curb

31:18

Your Enthusiasm went down to Curb, but it

31:20

could have been, it's easier than saying. I

31:22

worked on enthusiasm. You

31:24

tighten it that way. That's hard to do that. I don't

31:26

know if they'd go failed. We had

31:28

a show called Feld. Signed

31:30

Feld. You guys, two of the people,

31:33

I think I could sit and listen

31:35

to the most and enjoy like a

31:37

conversation like in a booth at a

31:39

diner. Not separately. That

31:41

would be horrible. Right, because you need the two.

31:43

Yeah. Well, you know, in Russia, because a guy,

31:45

a Russian friend of mine said this, is that

31:47

if they go for a vodka, they always get

31:50

a third. So they never

31:52

have two guys going out. It's almost intrinsically

31:54

kind of romantic. Just two guys alone. What

31:56

do you like? What do you like? What

31:58

woman do you know? So they get a

32:00

third right now. We're in a third. So

32:02

yeah, if you say something funny, you might

32:04

have two people laughing if I say something

32:06

funny I probably have two people laughing and

32:08

then people in the background laughing really are

32:10

as well now if David That's the same

32:12

policy I have for a threesome. Yeah, I

32:14

mean, you don't want Two, one on one.

32:16

I did have a three. ever done a

32:18

two and a half. You've had a three?

32:20

I had one recently in college. Did I

32:22

tell you this? Recently. When did you just

32:24

crash? In college. Okay,

32:27

it was me, my buddy,

32:29

and this other guy. Okay. Listen,

32:31

it was one of us was supposed to be a girl.

32:33

That was the first plant. That was the blueprint. And

32:36

then it got nighttime. She

32:38

flaked and I'm like, guys, it's all set up.

32:40

Let's just run through it once. Let's just grab

32:42

someone. Let's just see if. we get the beats

32:45

down, you know what I mean? Let's just do

32:47

the blocking. Dry rehearsal. And, you know, we got

32:49

the candles. It looks like a sting video. And

32:51

so in hindsight, it seemed gay. Yeah.

32:54

When I explain it to people and then

32:56

they explain it to me. It didn't. It

32:58

was gay. Yeah. I'm sorry.

33:00

Nothing wrong with that. Some of the seams, I

33:02

guess, is out of it now. It's all just.

33:04

Well, hindsight got to be gay. Yeah.

33:06

Hindsight is a good name for special. Oh, man, that

33:08

would be good. Hindsight. But then you got to put

33:10

that word in there somewhere. Oh, and

33:13

you're asked, that's the hard thing of doing

33:15

that is like a movie and then the

33:17

title somewhere in it. It's not a rule,

33:19

but it's kind of interesting that dandelion was

33:21

in it. But I like dandelion. And

33:24

then I go, I got to make sure I do

33:26

that bit because I want to say it in there

33:28

somewhere. What about these guys who have t -shirts printed

33:30

up with their joke on it? And they got like

33:33

a thousand t -shirts and they got to keep doing

33:35

that job. Oh, that's right. sell the t -shirts. Who

33:37

is the first one you remember that had merch? Vic

33:42

Dunlop was mine. Oh, what a good member.

33:44

Yeah, think you're right. You know what

33:46

it was? Him Tomerson. I'm just thinking the comedy score

33:48

regulators. They were like,

33:50

it's what people, well, you don't know. A

33:53

bit from their act that would kill. Yeah.

33:55

They decided, oh, I'll bring up suitcase full of

33:57

these goofy eyes. And then people laugh, they walk

33:59

out drunk, they grab it for 10 bucks or

34:01

something. The great thing about dandelion is you could

34:03

just put that on a shirt and people like

34:05

that anyway. They didn't have a nice it.

34:08

It'll be a skinny dandelion with a little bandaid

34:10

on it. and the white parts will beat my

34:12

hair and it'll say blow me. It's

34:14

not bad. Oh, so it's not the,

34:16

it's a overly ripe death. Yeah, but

34:18

I thought that's what they all were.

34:21

No. I thought was stupid I am. Yeah.

34:23

Kevin's like, oh my God, no. That's good

34:25

to be able to say blow me. It's

34:27

like, it wasn't Howard Stearnsburg coming all over

34:29

you again or something. No, that was Tom

34:31

Sigurd's tour is, I'm coming all over the

34:34

world. No, Howard Stearnsburg coming all over. So

34:36

why, how come we never did Hans and Franz?

34:39

T -shirt. I guess we couldn't back in those days. Hey,

34:41

have you read the a girly man. Huh? Have you read

34:43

the Lauren book? I'm on page 800. Really? I

34:46

just say for 100 people to read it and then explain it to

34:48

me. Have you read it? You read it. About

34:50

my wife read it and she, every morning, she gives me

34:52

a recap. Oh, really? Oh, that's

34:54

good. So I might do that as a

34:57

Instagram. Oh, read it? Every day, read

34:59

it and just kind of give a explanation. Oh, you should go

35:01

on for a long time. I'd watch it because I want to

35:03

know what's in it. Yeah. And she just... Photos? Yeah.

35:06

Is there photos in it? A couple, just

35:08

me though. It's just a lot

35:10

of different. He was always my favorite. Did

35:13

you still draw cartoons? Something about Kevin. Did you

35:15

ever draw me? Not yet. It's

35:18

interesting to see how many people got fired

35:20

from that show that you didn't know got

35:22

fired. Was it, was it, it was soft

35:24

firing though, kind of. We talked to Taryn

35:26

Kelly about that. It was sort of like,

35:28

you're just not, you're never like, you're fired.

35:30

You're sort of slowly invited back. How far

35:32

away in Sandler, you know?

35:34

I didn't know that. Did you know Soft

35:36

firing, right? Yeah, did you know they got

35:39

fired? I didn't know that I did not

35:41

know I knew I found about a year

35:43

ago that they got me too. Yeah Yeah,

35:46

we were doing that threesome But that book

35:48

it's it's pretty it's pretty interesting from what

35:50

I'm hearing. Oh Lawrence. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure

35:52

yeah, I heard it was really good She

35:55

spent eight Susan Morrison years on and off

35:57

ten years. She came on here and you

35:59

have to bought it. Really? Yeah. Yeah, nice.

36:01

Would you like to have a book written

36:04

about you? No, I don't like everyone's recollection.

36:06

People are like, oh, in Arizona, my friend

36:08

drove with you. You were sitting on a

36:10

keg in the back of a truck, all

36:13

the way to Flagstaff, cracking jokes all the

36:15

time. I'm like, wrong, wrong, wrong. Would never

36:17

be in the back whenever we're cracking jokes

36:20

all the time. Keg

36:22

maybe. But it's always like stories that are like

36:24

a, it would drive

36:26

me crazy if I was these super famous people

36:28

that you have to read like all these things

36:30

about yourself. And you know, some's true, some's not,

36:32

but you just feel like an asshole. Okay, pop

36:35

quiz. God, it's $3 million to write the book.

36:37

Banana. That was the question. Tank.

36:41

You don't want to write a book, but they say,

36:43

there's $3 million for David Spade to write. I know.

36:45

Dana's thing is like, I'm about money and camera. And

36:47

would you do this? And then you say, absolutely not.

36:49

Would you do it for this much? And

36:52

you go, well. You know, I do this

36:54

hiking show, as you know, because you're both on there. I

36:56

was on it twice, Christopher Park, or three times.

36:58

Yeah. And often people go,

37:01

who is the most handful? on

37:04

your hike. And I said,

37:06

well, you know, everybody's great. I said,

37:08

no, if you had a name one,

37:11

I said, well, David Spade, David Spade

37:13

finally agreed to do it after two

37:15

years of me him. No,

37:18

he said that, okay, I'll do it, but

37:20

it's gotta be in between rush hour traffic.

37:23

And it's gotta be totally flat. I gotta

37:26

be flat. It's gotta be flat. And I

37:28

got just a trail that was totally flat.

37:30

And we're walking and all of a sudden

37:32

he stops. And he goes, are

37:34

we going uphill? It

37:37

was like a 1 % grade. I could

37:39

feel it. He could feel it. And he

37:41

had to have food. Feel my neck. I'd

37:43

have a picnic. You'd have to have picnic

37:45

halfway through. Poor Kevin. First of all, I

37:47

did say, I did suggest that Kmart parking

37:49

lot on third by the Grove. I

37:51

go, it's funny. It's flat. All we're going to do

37:54

is talk. Do we really need to

37:56

beat the shit out of me? And he's like, yes, we

37:58

do. This is very legit. Part of it is the effort.

38:01

No, anyway, so then not your episode

38:03

not big on effort and then but

38:05

Kevin I Was thinking of what a

38:07

puss. I am he's holding a camera,

38:09

right? Any of all these waters for

38:11

me and you to make sure yeah,

38:13

no trail mix for me first aid

38:15

kit when I get bit by a

38:17

snake So we're walking up and I'm

38:20

like this poor guy and didn't bother

38:22

you. You were just like was flat

38:25

Yeah. Well, you're still holding stuff. Do

38:27

you ever wonder what people say about

38:29

you at your memorial? I

38:32

know. It's kind of sad, but I do think about it

38:34

sometimes. Don't you wish you could have a memorial before you

38:36

die? I feel that's

38:38

called a birthday party or something, or

38:40

it's called something. You're right. You

38:42

know what? You know, you're getting old when someone goes, hold

38:44

it, and you go blah, blah, and they go, eh, it's

38:46

still kicking. Am

38:49

I that close to not kicking? The worst is

38:51

when they say, you know, you look good for

38:53

your age. So in other words, You're really old,

38:55

but you look good. But you're pulling it off.

38:57

I know. I used to tease Sandler. I don't

38:59

do it anymore, but I would always say, so

39:01

you're wet. And I would, knowing I'm saying like

39:03

six years younger, she's like 34 right

39:05

now, right? And he goes, oh, Carmen, you son

39:08

of a bitch. He's like, he's 40. But

39:10

always go older. Like I just tell people I'm

39:12

87 because I want, I just want to be

39:14

shocked. I want him to go,

39:16

what? I like to go up to muscular people.

39:18

You know, that I know. I go, so wouldn't

39:20

you stop working out? That's so great. Then

39:23

you get him a headlock. Here's

39:25

one I think we shouldn't do as

39:28

a society. This is pretty heavy for

39:30

everyone. Interesting. But every time someone croaks,

39:32

whatever, delicately put, there's,

39:35

they put them on their Instagram, you know, and everyone says

39:37

those really nice things. They should do that when

39:39

people are getting toward the end, like, they

39:42

should see that. I never got the thing about

39:44

writing on Instagram to someone who's dead or someone

39:46

who's not there and they write this long thing.

39:48

That's for people to say, oh, what a good

39:50

guy you are. They can't read it. So

39:53

they would cherish it if they saw

39:55

it before. Okay, let

39:57

me have you. This is, I'm fascinated.

40:00

I love that. And I'm also fascinated

40:02

on the general topic is people who

40:04

have successfully faked their own death and

40:07

disappeared on planet Earth. So if you

40:09

were going to fake your own death

40:11

and really had to get away with

40:14

it, what would you do? You

40:16

have five seconds. Well, I've done it several

40:18

times. So I know people thought I was

40:20

dead until I came on here. Your name

40:22

is Vladimir Koltis. You're going to get a

40:25

show on the CW. I

40:27

think I would. Remember,

40:31

what's the name? DC Cooper or something, he

40:33

jumped out of the plane. DB Cooper, yeah.

40:35

that's probably successful. He parachuted out. Yeah, and

40:37

he Kauffman, of course, faked his death. He's

40:39

still out there somewhere. Is he? And he

40:41

Kauffman, yeah. They say a lot of people

40:43

are Elvis. I think I would have to

40:45

do something with an explosion so that it

40:47

would seem like a whole way I could

40:49

have lived. No

40:51

questions. Well, first of all, you want

40:53

to leave everything at home. So

40:56

they would think that you couldn't go anywhere without

40:59

your... card or your passport or anything. Yeah,

41:01

you'd have to leave it all there. Oh, yeah.

41:03

Oh, okay. Yeah. And then, um, I

41:06

think, um, I

41:08

think I would almost kill myself. Yeah.

41:10

Do you know I mean? So I could like

41:13

come out of a coma later, like in the

41:15

middle the woods. Well, you could say of amnesia

41:17

or something. Yeah. I could, I could convince people

41:19

that I was dead without going anywhere. Do

41:22

you understand what I'm saying? I don't I don't need

41:24

it. I'm a ruffian. Um, what about the lady that

41:26

said she got she had enough fare, but she just

41:28

came out and she said I was attacked I don't

41:30

remember anything and she beat herself up They bought it

41:33

for about ten minutes and they go hey you want

41:35

one you can have one. I'm gonna have one of

41:37

these. These are mine. Oh Talk about Gorilla

41:40

testicles. Tasty.

41:43

Good. Let's get that in slow motion. Tighten in. Dana,

41:45

you haven't had this many carbs in, I don't know

41:47

how many have. I just don't. It would make me

41:49

sick. I can't have that much. Is this a jelly

41:51

donut? They look delicious

41:53

though. Fucking shit, Kevin. This

41:55

is expensive. Is it talking?

41:57

This is nice. I could return two of them. They

41:59

said if there's any on the left. Are they sponsored?

42:01

Oh, really? Are they going to sell them to the

42:03

next guy? Yeah. Yeah, I

42:05

get it. Good. Yeah,

42:08

I don't know. How would you make it

42:10

look like you died? Well, a

42:16

trickier question. I'm sorry, brought it up. a

42:18

skateboarding accident. I went out

42:21

to skate the desert pipes, and

42:23

then I just disappeared. They thought the coyotes

42:25

got me, and then people didn't know if

42:27

they meant the coyotes that bring you over

42:29

the border, and it was just so... Okay.

42:31

Yeah. This is mine. I would introduce to

42:34

the world that I'm a long -distance ocean

42:36

swimmer. And so for at least

42:38

three months, I would go out there and I'd

42:40

swim in the ocean. And then one day, I

42:43

would have hired some local bandits or

42:45

whatever to have a rowboat. Bandits. And

42:47

I'd just get in their boat and

42:49

I'd take off my trunks and the

42:51

flippers and everything. a great idea.

42:53

And then I would just row to another

42:55

place. Sleeping with the enemy. Remember that movie?

42:57

Julia Roberts. That's a

42:59

good clip. She swam off. She did.

43:02

Yeah. I'm more about leaving parts of

43:04

my body so that they think that...

43:06

That's a good trick. This

43:09

is something I really have to sacrifice.

43:12

No joke. The lower my jaw. I

43:14

would rip that out so they have dental records.

43:17

They know it's me. And where's

43:19

the rest of the body? It doesn't matter. Does

43:21

a tooth count or they can't tell? They have

43:23

to look at your whole jaw. Just the dental.

43:25

Oh, the dental. If you left the tooth, can

43:28

they tell it's yours? Yeah,

43:30

maybe first of all I'll put Tattoos on

43:32

on my teeth is like a bit Then

43:34

I'll know I have that then I just

43:36

leave one tooth And then I want to

43:38

go you want to put that in there.

43:40

Can I just put that in there? I'll

43:45

put this on top of here, you know, these are

43:47

really sweet I Was I was on a date with

43:49

this girl and I go hey, do you want the

43:51

rest of this pasta? She says I don't want the

43:53

rest of anything. Just give me a new one. I

43:55

was like Wow. How long

43:58

did you go out? Dude,

44:00

I faked the bathroom and I bounced.

44:03

No, I didn't. a disappearing

44:05

act. Like, I'll just be

44:07

okay. And then you just

44:09

bolt ghost out. That's Ruhu.

44:11

How far do you think

44:13

someone was hustled as, you

44:15

know, as

44:18

a, you know, what is the record for hustling somebody

44:20

like out of a club? You know how they hustle

44:22

you out, you know, like they're throwing you out, but

44:24

then they keep going. They keep hustling, you

44:27

know, down La Cienica, you

44:29

know, out to the 405, they're still hustling. Down

44:31

to San Vicente and then keep going to the

44:33

10. Well, the record is 30 miles. Oh, I

44:35

didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Flat, you

44:38

would like it. What joke did I think

44:40

of yours the other day? I always say the same ones. I'm trying

44:42

to think of different ones. You always,

44:44

you always bring up the joke I

44:46

used to do. You

44:49

know, I got a really nice camera. That's one of

44:52

those black ones. That's because every camera was black back

44:54

then. I was like this back in the day. That

44:57

was good. The nestled

44:59

in the hills. The

45:01

hotel. And this is all memorial stuff, you

45:04

know. You don't do anymore. Huh?

45:06

You don't do those anymore? No. You

45:08

don't? No. You don't keep

45:10

stuff like that. Once in a while, if I'm stuck

45:12

in a jam, I do your jokes. Oh, here's a

45:15

good story. I ran into

45:17

David Letterman over the holidays.

45:20

And he could not be more complimentary. And

45:23

I never felt like I knew him that

45:25

much or that he was a fan of

45:27

mine. But he was listing stuff. He goes,

45:29

oh, that, you know, you did the Mark,

45:31

the Mark Twain thing for Lauren. You were

45:34

the funniest one there. I love your hiking

45:36

show. I watch it all the time. Really

45:38

good. I'm not kidding. It's a really good

45:40

show. And he goes, and then I keep

45:42

quoting your joke of the Lincoln joke. And

45:45

what Lincoln joke? He goes, you know, the

45:47

one where You know, the one you do,

45:49

the Lincoln joke, I said,

45:51

I'm not sure which one you're talking

45:53

about. You know, the Lincoln joke where

45:55

it goes like this, you know, Abraham

45:58

Lincoln used to walk to school every

46:01

day in the snow, but what they

46:03

don't tell you is he was late

46:05

every day. I

46:08

go, I don't remember that one. He goes, well,

46:10

I've been giving you credit for it. So I

46:12

thought, well, maybe I did do that. And then

46:14

I thought, I'm gonna do that again, man. I'm

46:17

gonna do that next to my next set. So

46:19

go up there and I do it, crickets. Not

46:21

one left. I don't personally get it. Because he

46:23

walks so long. He's late every day. I know,

46:26

but you know, you think he's a hero, but

46:28

you know what? What has be set up like

46:30

it was unbelievably walked in a blizzard every day.

46:33

He was a hero. He had most absences.

46:35

He needs a much bigger set up. I'm

46:37

just quoting how he did it. Yeah, we're

46:39

fixing this joke that Kevin didn't even do.

46:42

I think our friend David Letterman misremembered it.

46:44

I think he would have written it a

46:46

lot better. I ran into him and he

46:48

didn't read my resume. A friend

46:50

of mine gave me a joke. My

46:54

friend might give me a joke that I was

46:56

doing again at the beginning of my act. Yeah,

46:58

and I thought it was his But it turned

47:00

out that it was like a well -known old

47:02

joke that's been around forever. Yeah, and it goes

47:04

something like this And then then you can punch

47:06

it a lot of those Yeah, I mean it's

47:08

like you know stop jokes. We don't know where

47:10

they came from Yeah, so this guy you know

47:12

you really have to appreciate things in life You

47:14

know a lot of people don't like I know

47:16

of a guy. He has sex twice a day

47:18

He reads three books a week, and he's always

47:20

working out. And yet here he is still complaining

47:22

about being in prison. I mean, really? That's

47:25

good. That's not yours, is it? No. That's

47:28

a good joke. But I

47:30

thought it was his. And so

47:32

then when I Googled it, and it's, you know, it's

47:34

like joke. Oh, joke book. It's out

47:36

there. I had this joke that gets such a

47:39

laugh. I don't know why two Irishmen walk out

47:41

of a bar. It could happen. Why

47:43

does that get such a laugh? I do it as

47:45

George W. Bush. They're all drunks, right? We gotta give

47:47

a name of the pub. You know, you gotta give

47:49

it like McSorley's. Well, if I do this as a

47:51

character, it gets a big laugh. Oh, you do the

47:53

Irish accent. No, I do George W. Bush. I said

47:56

he was a funny, you know. Is it because they're

47:58

all drunks? Yeah,

48:00

the core knowledge you'd have to think is

48:02

they never leave a bar because they're alcoholics,

48:04

but there's more tea tolers in Ireland in

48:06

the other country. Really? Yeah, but the ones

48:08

who drink make up for it. But they

48:10

love their tea. The British people

48:13

in English beer. have a proper

48:15

tea, huh? Can we have a proper tea?

48:17

Yes. Both of tea. My mother -in -law

48:19

is Irish, 94, and she's, everything is tea.

48:21

She'd like a cup of tea, love. I'm

48:24

the worst at British accents. I

48:26

don't spit, I don't think you are either. No, great. I think you are

48:28

the worst at that. SNL, when they

48:30

had a table read, and everybody had to

48:32

be British. Seconding. Phil Harmon, everybody's doing different,

48:34

you know, places of

48:36

England. And it comes around

48:38

to me, all I could do was John Lennon. I

48:41

remember when Tom, you know. And

48:44

everybody laugh.

48:48

Here's where I got to laugh because they go, you have to do German

48:50

in this one. I go German and then they go, and

48:53

I think Mike Myers was Hitler and they go to me and

48:55

I go, then I

48:57

got to laugh.

48:59

I go, so

49:01

everything they get coming back to me, I fucking

49:04

milked the aju out of it. I was like,

49:10

Cat. Yes. Give

49:13

it to him. Do you have any cats? Do

49:16

you have any animals? Do

49:18

I have any animals? I

49:21

have to have someone. No, I

49:23

share a dog named Junebug. Junebug?

49:26

Junebug. Nice. Bulldog. Cute. I have

49:28

a great name for a dog if I ever got one.

49:30

That's a good idea. one of the names?

49:33

Chowda. Chowda? Yeah, like

49:35

clam chowder, but chowda. As they say

49:37

in Boston, Chata. Yeah, that sounds so

49:39

much like... Chata. Chata.

49:41

I like boss. Chata

49:44

is... What's up, boss? Hey,

49:47

boss. Irvine Improv. Irvine

49:49

Improv, May 10th. Yeah, I'm shooting my special. clips

49:51

or what are we doing? Yeah, let's watch a

49:53

couple more clips. We're doing my special called Loosen

49:55

the Crotch. Loosen the Crotch, where do you see

49:57

it? 6838, Irvine Improv. Oh, you it. thought that

49:59

was a joke. Loosen the crop.

50:01

No, that's great. great. a

50:04

joke. It's part a So you're taping it there.

50:06

Loosen the crop. Taping it there, and then we'll

50:08

see. Okay. So going to tape it, so show

50:10

up at the tape. Provide a few more stories,

50:12

and we'll bomb on these, and then we'll wrap

50:14

it up. Tickets going fast. We'll fade out here,

50:16

but the next thing you see is him -up.

50:19

I thought about the good. Low ticket warning isn't

50:21

a bad name for a special. Oh, that's good.

50:23

Well, Dana had the best

50:25

title. Tell him your title. Critic's Choice. Critic's

50:27

Choice. Critic's Choice. People think, oh,

50:29

the critics love this, but no, it's the title. Yeah.

50:32

And then Sandler did Certified Fresh, that

50:34

was out. Oh, for Tomatoes. Yeah, for

50:36

Tomatoes. What are you calling? I've

50:39

been in... He's on Amazon. Probably

50:42

six Sandler movies and combined, we

50:44

got a hundred percent rating. Now

50:47

combined, we got about a 54. We

50:50

got nine ungrown -ups, eight

50:52

ungrown -ups, too. Great. You're still

50:54

ahead of Master of Skies. Master

50:57

Skies. Those tomatoes are harder to get than

50:59

think. Got negative 19. It was so bad

51:02

that they actually rotten tomatoes like 10 years

51:04

later, 15 years later, rewrote the review. Because

51:06

then they thought it was much better and

51:09

they said it was if it was written

51:11

by little children. Even

51:13

the tomatoes turned themselves in the ketchup. They were so

51:15

embarrassed for that one. A

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52:27

there was a sarin gas attack, where

52:29

would you go? Oh, under the superfly

52:32

sign. Do you have a earthquake kit?

52:35

It's got my head shot in it.

52:37

It's got a couple of basics. You

52:39

got a fire kit? Three Triscuits and

52:41

a Slim Jim. VHS Joders in there.

52:44

I don't like this. We've

52:46

got such great food in our earthquake kit. Oh,

52:48

yeah. What do you have? Some gourmet stuff? Well,

52:50

not much now because I've been eating. Oh, you

52:52

got it? Don't get into the

52:55

earthquake kit. Oh, man. I love it man. What

52:57

do you have in there? Speeding or what? I

52:59

replaced it with just popcorn. like

53:02

Styrofoam. Yeah. But

53:05

you know, people get those earthquake kits and

53:07

stuff and if they put them in the

53:09

house, how are they going to get to

53:11

them? How is it totally collapsed? I

53:14

would like a buzzer that tells you where

53:16

the earthquake is going to be so I

53:18

can get to a part of the house

53:20

that would help me because chances are you'll

53:22

be in your car or whatever. They say

53:24

this last one, the buzzer went off, but

53:26

it only gives you eight seconds. Everyone just

53:28

goes like this for eight seconds. Like,

53:30

where are you going? What's the plan? No, no,

53:32

no. Yeah, you yell, no, no, no. But

53:35

you weren't threatened by the fire. You weren't, Dana,

53:37

because you live up north. Nope, nope. Not

53:40

a chance, but I haven't been there. Dana

53:42

goes, I'm going to move so far. There's no

53:45

fire. There's no fire. They don't know what fire

53:47

is. We laugh at that. It

53:49

really makes you realize what's valuable in your life.

53:51

Yeah. What was it? What did you realize? Well,

53:53

I was out of town. What's that? Well, I

53:55

can't remember. And the fire was coming close to

53:57

us. You know, we were in evacuation, red

53:59

flag area. And I called my

54:02

assistant. I said, would you go to the

54:04

house and get those external drives I have

54:06

and my passport? She said, yeah,

54:08

she got it. Fire's

54:11

not getting to our house yet. You know, there's

54:13

no evacuation notice. So I call it back. Would

54:15

you go back to the house and less and

54:17

less valuable stuff? Will you go back to the

54:19

house to get that Gibson guitar I have and

54:21

that art set? And then it got

54:23

to the point with, would you go back to have a

54:25

mechanical pencil on the desk that I really like? You know,

54:28

I like the way it writes. And

54:30

there's a sandwich in the refrigerator that I made

54:32

yesterday starting to in the salad. And

54:35

it goes on and on like that. Would you go on?

54:37

Would you take the garbage out while you're there? Yeah. Would

54:39

you go back? It's just inconvenient. Where'd you go back? Hey,

54:42

I know you're Hey, do me a favor, you know. Could

54:44

you get on a plane tomorrow, go to my second home

54:46

in Arizona, you know, and check and see if the air

54:48

condition is off? Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

54:50

Do me a favor. I was on the road and then

54:52

Do me a solid. This house right here, they

54:55

had a mansion alert, you remember that? I have

54:57

a mansion app. I hate

54:59

that in the middle of the night.

55:01

You know, Amber Alert, when that thing

55:04

goes off, I'm more scared than a

55:06

kid, just for that short time. All

55:08

right, well, I guess it's been Kevin

55:10

Elon. I'm still Kevin Elon. Oh, I

55:12

guess it's still There's your next special. Still

55:14

Kevin Elon. Kevin, Irvine Improv,

55:17

May 10. May 10. Tickets are going fast.

55:19

Tickets are going fast. the show times again?

55:21

You can get them on kevinelon.com. OK. Or

55:23

you can go to the Irvine Improv and

55:25

get them on there. Irvine Improv, great room.

55:27

A lot of fun. You can eat right

55:29

there. Javier drinks great

55:31

place Paul cocktails. Yeah, I love

55:33

that place So good luck with it, and

55:35

I'll see you here at the practice sets

55:37

And let's hike it man. Let's go a

55:39

little steeper next time. Don't be a puss

55:42

All right, I couldn't agree more. All right,

55:44

I'm gonna leave and you guys you know

55:46

leaving about five minutes This

55:56

has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly.

55:58

It's executive produced by Dana

56:00

Carvey David Spade, Jenna

56:02

Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro

56:04

and Greg Holtzman. Hope you

56:06

liked it.