0:00

So I wrote, Hello Stefan, I am

0:02

in my early 20s with a Catholic

0:04

background and was a virgin when I

0:06

met my future husband who

0:08

had a chaotic sexual pass

0:10

with toxic women. I need your

0:13

help to better understand myself.

0:15

His sexual pass is bothering me

0:17

often when I think about it

0:19

or when he is telling me

0:21

about it. I would then imagine

0:23

it. The same results with

0:25

not wanting to show my

0:28

husband affection and happiness would

0:30

change. And then I feel content

0:32

for him even though he did

0:34

those things before me and treats

0:36

me good loving and with

0:39

great respect besides one story

0:41

with a woman. Those imaginations hurt

0:43

a lot and I will have

0:45

thoughts like I'm not special and

0:48

only a number. I know that

0:50

I'm compared to some excess and

0:52

also do it by myself when

0:54

I got to know his friends

0:56

and also his female friend

0:58

denied to me that they

1:00

were friends with benefits and

1:02

once later he told me the

1:05

truth without repent and seriousness

1:07

I was very hard he

1:09

then said that I would have been

1:11

better no that it would have been

1:13

better not to tell the truth

1:16

because then he wouldn't have such

1:18

problems with which still

1:20

wounds me This showed me that

1:22

he doesn't have the virtues of

1:25

honesty and repentance, but then other

1:27

times he has. He then wanted

1:29

to invite his from her wedding,

1:32

the imagination, lack of respect and

1:34

the shame of his want led

1:36

to many arguments and almost

1:39

breaking of our engagement. This

1:41

story that felt like he doesn't

1:44

love me, I'm not the number

1:46

one, he doesn't respect and honor

1:48

me and my family. My husband

1:50

now has a lightly depression,

1:53

a depressing face, where he

1:55

isn't showing much sexual desire,

1:57

but I want to have sex

1:59

heat. just doesn't feel like it.

2:02

Yesterday he said that one of

2:04

the reasons is that I'm too

2:06

much sexually available. In the past,

2:09

he needed to earn sex from

2:11

his partner's heart or it was

2:13

scarce and not like with me.

2:16

Sometimes it feels like he would

2:18

want to change my character and

2:20

my thinking like he wouldn't like

2:23

or love me. It would be

2:25

nice if I could talk to

2:28

you, Stefan, do I have unrealistic

2:30

views? And do I exaggerate and

2:32

take things to serious? I'm thankful

2:35

for all things I learned from

2:37

you and hope you can help

2:39

me. Well I appreciate that. That's

2:42

a tough, it's a tough situation.

2:44

I really, I sympathize with you

2:47

enormously and maybe you can tell

2:49

me a little bit about the

2:51

history of your relationship with your

2:54

husband. The history

2:56

of our relationship,

2:58

I mean, we

3:00

met last year

3:03

in February, got

3:05

engaged very quickly,

3:07

I think it

3:09

would have been

3:11

after two months,

3:13

and then in

3:16

September we got

3:18

married. Yes, I'm

3:20

in my early

3:22

20s and he's

3:24

in his early

3:26

30s. Oh, okay.

3:28

And did you

3:31

meet through church

3:33

or some other

3:35

place? We met

3:37

in real life.

3:39

No, not in

3:41

church. Okay. And

3:44

what was it

3:46

that drew you

3:48

to him? Oh,

3:50

he was very

3:52

muscular. Yes, it

3:54

was a funny

3:56

guy and... people

4:00

respected him a lot

4:03

and yes, he seemed

4:05

very nice to shed

4:08

and was funny and

4:11

to joking. Yes. Okay,

4:13

and how tall is

4:16

he? Okay, and would

4:19

you say that he's

4:21

very good looking to

4:24

you? And he is

4:26

overweight. Ah, okay. So

4:29

when we met, I

4:32

wasn't interested in any

4:34

sexual way, I just

4:37

was bored and was

4:39

sitting there and thought,

4:42

hey, this seems like

4:45

a funny guy or

4:47

maybe. Yes, because yeah,

4:50

maybe I just, yeah,

4:53

I just was bored

4:55

and thought I could

4:58

talk to him. And

5:00

yes, I mean, his

5:03

character is very attractive,

5:06

but his overweight, I

5:08

mean, he has a

5:11

pretty face, but his,

5:14

but the overweight stuff

5:16

was a very big

5:19

issue at the beginning

5:21

for me. Yes. You're

5:24

not overweight. Is that

5:27

right? No, I'm not.

5:29

Okay. So you said

5:32

that people respect him

5:35

and when I ask

5:37

these questions, I'm not

5:40

doubting you, I just

5:42

want to make sure

5:45

I understand what you

5:48

mean. So what is

5:50

it that people respect

5:53

about your husband? Where

5:56

he works, he

5:59

has much to

6:01

say. and he

6:03

can organize things

6:06

very well and

6:08

is, oh wait,

6:11

yes I mean

6:13

he can also

6:16

organize things very

6:18

well. His speeches

6:20

are very great

6:23

and he makes

6:25

very good events.

6:29

So he's a kind

6:31

of public figure and

6:33

he works very hard.

6:35

And he's also very

6:38

passionate about his job.

6:40

So yeah, that's the

6:42

things that people respect.

6:44

Okay, I appreciate that.

6:47

And how long did

6:49

it take after you

6:51

met? Because you had

6:53

hesitations because of the

6:56

weight and maybe the

6:58

age difference, but how

7:00

long did it take

7:02

after you met that

7:05

you began to find

7:07

him sexually attractive? I

7:09

mean, it was so

7:11

that the first time

7:14

where we met, I

7:16

told him that the

7:18

overweight thing is... But

7:20

it's a big issue

7:23

for me and he

7:25

said, I mean, we

7:27

can just meet for

7:29

a date and see

7:32

how it goes. Maybe

7:34

we like each other.

7:36

Maybe not. And I

7:38

would say that after

7:41

the first date and

7:43

a couple of calls

7:45

about what's here and

7:47

a couple of calls.

7:51

Yeah, it wasn't as

7:53

much, it wasn't a

7:55

big issue for me

7:57

anymore. And how overweight,

8:00

sorry, how overweight? Is

8:02

he? I mean he

8:04

weighs 100 and over

8:07

100 kilos for his

8:09

type of figure. He

8:11

could lose 30 kilograms.

8:14

Oh, okay. So gosh,

8:16

what is that? I

8:18

always get kilometers to

8:20

miles and pounds. Is

8:23

it 2.2 kilograms? So

8:25

he's like 220 pounds,

8:27

so he's like 220

8:30

pounds, something like that.

8:32

I think one pound

8:34

is half a kilogram.

8:36

Or isn't it? I

8:39

don't know. Yeah, one

8:41

kilogram is 2.2 pounds.

8:43

I actually did have

8:46

that right. Okay. So,

8:48

so he's, if he's

8:50

100 kilograms, he's 220

8:53

pounds. Yes, he's 130

8:55

kilograms. Yes. Oh, gosh.

8:57

Okay. He would lose

8:59

30 kilograms, everything would

9:02

be all right because

9:04

he is, I mean

9:06

he is, the shoulders

9:09

are very, how would

9:11

you say? He's almost

9:13

300 pounds. Yes. And

9:16

he's not tall? No,

9:18

but very muscular. And

9:20

muscular, hang on, so

9:22

is he heavy because

9:25

he's muscular? muscular but

9:27

has also belly fat

9:29

and but also he

9:32

has oh wow yeah

9:34

I would just broad

9:36

chill so he's big

9:38

bone yes he's got

9:41

some muscles and he's

9:43

fat okay okay I

9:45

just I got it

9:48

I got it okay

9:51

All right, so you

9:53

went on a couple

9:55

of dates and you

9:57

found yourself was it

10:00

what was it that

10:02

you found particularly positive

10:04

or about him? Oh,

10:06

his character. I could,

10:08

yeah, I mean, we

10:10

could talk very easily.

10:12

It was a lot

10:15

of fun and also

10:17

politically we are on

10:19

the same side and

10:21

also when it comes

10:23

to our future plans,

10:25

it was also very

10:27

similar. almost the same

10:30

I would say and

10:32

yes I mean he's

10:34

a smart man his

10:36

jokes are very great

10:38

and he was very

10:40

mature and yeah I

10:42

mean a lot of

10:44

things just fit I

10:47

mean you can't dress

10:49

very well as intelligent

10:51

and yeah you can

10:53

talk very good with

10:55

him Now,

10:59

these are all nice

11:01

attributes, but they're not

11:04

quite the same as

11:06

morals. Oh, you asked

11:09

about morals. Okay, it

11:11

can be very, okay.

11:14

And so after we

11:16

laid it and I

11:19

got to know him,

11:21

I also saw what

11:24

moral values he had

11:26

and he was... What's...

11:30

Sorry, I lost a lot.

11:32

No, listen, it's no problem,

11:35

take your time. I mean,

11:37

it's tough stuff to talk

11:40

about for sure, and I

11:42

sympathize. So, also, I know

11:45

the language barrier is a

11:47

challenge, but I admire anyone

11:49

who speaks another language, so

11:52

you can take your time

11:54

on that as well. Okay.

11:57

I mean, he was very...

12:00

What more of a

12:03

value that he has?

12:05

He was at that

12:08

time, I thought, honest,

12:11

I mean with 98%

12:13

of the time, he

12:16

is honest, helpful, also

12:18

loving, and sympathy. Yes.

12:21

He says, yeah, I

12:23

would say that's the

12:26

things. Okay, so honesty

12:29

and sympathy? Yes, sympathy,

12:31

but also not all

12:34

the time, maybe also

12:36

only in 98% of

12:39

the time. Well, I

12:41

mean, honesty is good,

12:44

but one of the

12:46

problems you have is

12:49

that he's been honest

12:52

about his dating history,

12:54

right? Yes, so

12:56

the honesty, sorry, the honesty

12:59

shows a certain lack of

13:01

empathy. Yeah, in a kind

13:04

of way, you are right.

13:06

It was so that when

13:08

we dated, example, I asked

13:11

him how high is your

13:13

body count. And he said

13:16

that it was only six

13:18

and after engagement. told me

13:20

the truth and it was

13:23

a little bit higher. And

13:25

I'm very, what's the word?

13:28

I don't need to. So

13:30

hang on, so sorry, you

13:33

said that his character was

13:35

that he was honest. Oh,

13:37

and I'm also a very

13:40

curious character and I will

13:42

ask a lot of questions.

13:45

All right, hang on, hang

13:47

on. Sorry, so you said

13:50

that his, one of his

13:52

qualities was that he was

13:54

honest. But he lied about

13:57

his body count. Yes, I

13:59

know. I know, so that's

14:02

my problem. I... Well, no,

14:04

but he lied before you

14:06

got married. Yes. Okay, so...

14:09

Before we got engaged and

14:11

so on. Sorry, was it

14:14

after you got engaged, right?

14:16

Oh, it was so that

14:19

before our engagement I knew

14:21

that the number was higher,

14:23

but he didn't want to

14:26

tell me. And after we

14:28

got engaged and after a

14:31

party... He told me when

14:33

he was drunk. Yeah, I

14:36

mean, he didn't want to

14:38

make a bad impression on

14:40

me and scare me off.

14:43

So, I mean, yeah, I

14:45

mean, if a person... So,

14:48

sorry, sorry to interrupt, how

14:50

long into the relationship? after

14:52

you started dating, or more

14:55

than just the first couple

14:57

of dates, like after you

15:00

started becoming actually romantically interested

15:02

in him, how long did

15:05

you first begin to know

15:07

that his body count was

15:09

higher than he had said?

15:12

Must have been one and

15:14

one month and maybe two

15:17

weeks. Oh, so like six

15:19

weeks, right. Yeah,

15:21

probably. Okay, so six weeks

15:23

into dating him, you find

15:25

out that he lies about,

15:27

I mean, these are very

15:29

important things, right? Yes. Okay,

15:32

so once you found out

15:34

that he was lying, why

15:36

did you continue? And this

15:38

doesn't, I don't mean this

15:40

to be critical, I'm genuinely

15:42

curious, like why, if he's

15:44

liar, if he's bearing false

15:46

witness, right? Is he also

15:48

Catholic, is he Christian? I

15:51

mean, he studied religion

15:54

and wanted to become

15:56

a... present so on

15:59

but in a no

16:01

not really oh so

16:03

no wait he's not

16:06

religious he's interested I

16:08

mean he was interested

16:11

in that but he's

16:13

not the type of

16:15

religious person and goes

16:18

to church and praise

16:20

Okay, sorry, let's just,

16:23

I need things to

16:25

be a little simpler,

16:27

please. Okay, so no.

16:30

Okay, is he religious?

16:32

Um, he, no. Okay,

16:35

that's, I'm not trying

16:37

to corner you, but

16:39

it can't be that

16:42

complicated a question. Yeah,

16:44

right, you're right. Okay,

16:47

so he's, when, when

16:49

did you find out

16:51

that he wasn't religious?

16:56

The very beginning. You need

16:59

to know that I'm

17:01

also not very religious. I

17:03

mean, I come from

17:05

a Catholic background, but I

17:08

may be going only

17:10

once in a month to

17:12

church. So... Well, but

17:14

you believe in God, I

17:17

assume, and you are a

17:19

Christian, but you don't attend

17:22

church that much, or is

17:24

there another way that

17:26

you would put it? Yes.

17:29

That's right. Okay, so

17:31

you're religious but not very

17:33

institutional, not much institution.

17:35

Yes. But does he believe

17:38

in God? Or Jesus,

17:40

does he believe in salvation,

17:42

does he believe in prayer,

17:45

these sorts of things?

17:47

It's maybe 50-50. I mean

17:49

if he would ask

17:51

him if that is God

17:54

I think he would

17:56

ask So you were, yes.

17:58

You don't know? Okay,

18:00

how long have you known

18:03

him overall? One year, almost

18:05

one year. So you've known

18:08

him for a year and

18:10

you've not asked him

18:12

if he believes in God?

18:15

I asked him that,

18:17

I mean, it's religion. and

18:19

he is it's a

18:21

little bit complicated. I think

18:24

he's not, no it's

18:26

not, I mean he may

18:28

not give a clear answer

18:31

but it's not that

18:33

complicated. Yeah he's giving not

18:35

the answers is a

18:37

thing by, with him. Well

18:40

I mean but complicated

18:42

and confusing answers are usually

18:44

a sign of manipulation.

18:46

Okay. I mean for simple,

18:49

for simple things that I

18:51

do you believe in God?

18:55

I mean, do you believe in

18:57

a higher power that is immortal

18:59

and all knowing? That's not super

19:02

complicated, right? I mean, it may

19:04

take different forms, maybe you have

19:07

slightly different perceptions of how it

19:09

manifests or so on, but do

19:11

you believe in God is not

19:14

that complicated? I mean, I think

19:16

he would answer this question with

19:18

a yes, and then he would

19:21

also say that maybe yes, but

19:23

he's not very sure of that.

19:26

Well, no, but you can't say,

19:28

yes, I believe in God, and

19:30

I'm not very sure of it.

19:33

Right? Yes. I mean, if someone

19:35

would ask me this question, I

19:38

would easily say yes. Sure. Now,

19:40

you could say, I'm an agnostic,

19:42

which is, I don't have an

19:45

opinion on the existence of God.

19:47

But I'm not sure what position

19:49

he takes. Like, what is his

19:52

actual position? Yeah.

19:56

Mixed, mixed I

19:58

would say. But,

20:00

hmm. Okay, that's

20:03

fine. I was

20:05

just wondering, so

20:07

how long, sorry,

20:09

remind me, how

20:11

long did you

20:14

guys know each

20:16

other before you

20:18

got married? six

20:20

and a half

20:22

months. Okay. And

20:25

do you know

20:27

why did you

20:29

want to get

20:31

married more quickly

20:33

or did he

20:36

want to get

20:38

married more quickly

20:40

or how did

20:42

that go? We

20:44

both wanted to

20:47

get married quickly.

20:49

And why is

20:51

that? Yes. I

20:53

mean, yeah, I

20:55

mean, I wanted.

20:58

I mean, we

21:00

both. loved each

21:02

other and he

21:04

wanted to have

21:06

a husband. We

21:09

had a, yeah,

21:11

I mean, he

21:13

just, he had

21:15

a history with

21:17

not very committed

21:19

relationships and one

21:22

relationship that went

21:24

on. six years

21:26

without any real

21:28

commitment and he

21:30

just wanted to

21:33

make. Yes, how

21:35

would you say?

21:37

I mean, it

21:39

was so that

21:41

why should we

21:44

waste time or

21:46

play marriage if

21:48

we could just

21:50

get married? Well,

21:53

I mean, but you know

21:56

the reason why it's sometimes

21:58

worth waiting a little bit.

22:01

because you have to get

22:03

to know the person better.

22:06

Because people can put up

22:08

a false front, right? They

22:11

can pretend to be one

22:13

way and they're actually not

22:16

that way. Yes, and... And

22:18

this guy had red flags

22:21

because if he's very charming

22:23

and very funny and still

22:26

single in his early 30s,

22:28

that's a warning flag. And

22:31

also if he's had a

22:33

six-year relationship without any commitment

22:36

and he's had a high

22:38

body count... That's another red

22:41

flag, right? Yeah. So it

22:43

would be to try and

22:46

figure out what his character

22:48

was, what his personality was,

22:51

rather than what he presented

22:53

himself as, if that makes

22:56

sense. Hmm. Yeah. So,

23:00

and to know

23:02

that my mother

23:04

is very Catholic

23:07

and my father

23:09

not, and... Sorry,

23:11

your mother is

23:13

very Catholic and

23:16

your father is

23:18

not Catholic? Yes.

23:20

Then she's not

23:22

very Catholic. I

23:25

mean... who's not

23:27

Catholic, then you

23:29

can't be very

23:31

Catholic. It was

23:34

so that she

23:36

got carefully later

23:38

in life when

23:40

one of my

23:43

brothers was born.

23:45

So when they

23:47

met and started

23:49

dating they were

23:52

both, I would

23:54

say... Yeah,

23:56

on the paper Catholics

23:58

bad. but

24:01

nothing more. And why

24:03

did your brother, sorry,

24:05

why did your mother

24:07

become more Catholic when

24:10

your brother was born?

24:12

Because she had a

24:14

hard time giving birth

24:16

to him and yeah,

24:19

but at the end

24:21

it worked because the

24:23

first, this was a

24:25

half-third birth. Her two

24:28

first births were with

24:30

a C-section. and she

24:32

wanted to give birth

24:34

like a normal woman

24:36

and it was very

24:39

hard but at the

24:41

end it worked with

24:43

my brothers that was

24:45

the reason I'm sorry

24:48

she became Catholic or

24:50

she became more Catholic

24:52

because she had natural

24:54

childbirth I mean I

24:56

would say what does

24:59

that mean I don't

25:01

know what that means

25:03

and maybe not Catholic

25:05

but she started believing

25:08

in God because yeah

25:10

she would say that

25:12

he helped him give

25:14

birth to yeah to

25:17

my brother okay all

25:19

right so she became

25:21

more religious because God

25:23

helped her give birth

25:25

yes okay and your

25:28

father did not become

25:30

more religious is that

25:32

right no my father

25:34

will maybe only go

25:37

once a year once

25:39

a year at Christmas

25:41

to the church, but

25:43

nothing more. Right. I

25:46

mean, yes. He... If

25:48

I would ask him

25:50

if there is God,

25:52

I think he would

25:54

also answer if yes,

25:57

but he never read...

25:59

I mean... I mean

26:01

he was never so

26:03

much interested. in religion

26:06

that he would read

26:08

the Bible or something

26:10

like this? Sorry, he

26:12

was or wasn't so

26:14

much interested in religion?

26:17

He wasn't so much.

26:19

Okay, so he wouldn't

26:21

read the Bible or

26:23

anything? No. Okay. And

26:26

so your mother became

26:28

much more Catholic, your

26:30

father remains agnostic, like

26:32

he doesn't really have

26:35

much of an opinion,

26:37

but he'll go once

26:39

a year? Yeah. So

26:41

what did they think

26:43

of, I'm going to

26:46

call him Dieter, your

26:48

husband? Okay. So what

26:50

did they think of

26:52

Dieter when you were

26:55

dating him? Okay, when

26:57

I was dating him,

26:59

I mean, when I

27:01

was dating him, I

27:03

told my parents very

27:06

much of our dates.

27:08

And they had, oh

27:10

yeah, I think the

27:12

only thing that my

27:15

mother had to criticize

27:17

was that he is

27:19

an only child. And

27:21

I think my father

27:24

criticized nothing. Yeah. No,

27:27

more. I have six

27:30

siblings. Six siblings. Okay,

27:32

and where are you

27:35

in the birth order?

27:37

I'm the oldest. Okay,

27:40

and how many girls

27:42

are there? Five. Five

27:45

girls, wow, okay. All

27:47

right. So, would your

27:50

parents say, especially because

27:52

you're a young woman?

27:55

Do you think your

27:57

parents would agree with

28:00

the statement that it

28:02

is important? for parents

28:04

to do some sort

28:07

of review or vetting.

28:09

They would do some

28:11

sort of vetting on

28:14

who's coming into the

28:16

family through marriage. I

28:18

mean, I think they

28:21

would answer with yes,

28:23

but when I introduced

28:25

my future husband, to

28:28

them. I will tell

28:30

you, I will tell

28:32

you how my mother

28:35

was in that evening.

28:37

She wasn't really there.

28:39

She was in the

28:42

kitchen and not really

28:44

sitting by the table

28:46

and asking deta questions

28:48

or anything. I mean,

28:51

I would say she...

28:53

You would also say

28:55

that she ignored him

28:58

most of the time

29:00

and my father was

29:02

sitting at the table

29:05

and they were talking

29:07

about politics and joking

29:09

and but there wasn't

29:12

there were no questions

29:14

like who are your

29:16

parents or what do

29:19

you? What do you

29:21

want with our daughter

29:23

or how do you

29:26

think your future will

29:28

look like? There wasn't

29:30

nothing like that and

29:33

I let her talk

29:35

with my mother, I

29:37

criticize my mother about

29:40

that because I thought

29:42

that she doesn't care

29:44

about me when she

29:47

isn't curious about the

29:49

man that I bring

29:51

to the home. to

29:53

introduce them. To introduce

29:56

them. Yeah. So that

29:58

was it. Okay, and

30:00

I suppose if you're

30:03

the oldest and still

30:05

in your early 20s,

30:07

there's not much that

30:10

your brothers would do

30:12

to vet this guy.

30:14

No. No, I have

30:17

the oldest brother 16

30:19

years old. So, no.

30:21

And what about grandparents?

30:24

Oh, they live in

30:26

another country and... Also,

30:28

we're on so much

30:31

curious, I mean my

30:33

grand, I have only

30:35

two grandpas. One grandma

30:38

is artistic, the other

30:40

is very Catholic and

30:42

she only asks, yeah,

30:45

is he Catholic? No,

30:47

he isn't Catholic, he's,

30:49

he was a Protestant

30:52

and isn't anymore. On

30:54

the paper, a protestant.

30:56

This was a big

30:58

deal for her because

31:01

how are you going

31:03

to raise the kids

31:05

in which in which

31:08

religious direction? Yeah, nothing

31:10

wrong. Also, my uncle

31:12

didn't ask such questions

31:15

like you would probably

31:17

ask when your daughter

31:19

would bring a guy

31:22

home. Yeah,

31:25

well I'm certainly sorry

31:27

for that. And what

31:30

happened when you meant

31:33

to meet his family?

31:35

Dieter's family. Oh, yeah,

31:38

that's another story. I

31:40

met his father, I

31:43

think one month after

31:46

we started dating. Yeah,

31:48

he wasn't curious. He

31:51

just asked what I'm

31:54

doing. and how Yeah,

31:56

and maybe how much

31:59

siblings I have and

32:01

what are my parents

32:04

do. And that was

32:07

it. And his mother,

32:09

for example, who lives

32:12

nearby only 20 minutes,

32:14

it takes only 20

32:17

minutes with the car,

32:20

she, I got to

32:22

know her only two

32:25

days before the wedding.

32:27

My husband would say

32:30

that the reason for

32:33

this wasn't only her

32:35

fault, it was also

32:38

my fault because I

32:41

had a lot of

32:43

time and yeah, and

32:46

I mean, there were

32:48

other dates that he

32:51

chose with his mother

32:54

to, yeah. that I

32:56

could meet her, but

32:59

very spontaneously, it didn't

33:01

work out. So at

33:04

the end, I got

33:07

to know her two

33:09

days before the wedding.

33:12

I would say, yeah,

33:15

his parents don't really

33:17

care what he's doing

33:20

in life. Okay. And

33:22

why didn't you call

33:25

me? You

33:30

know, I thought about

33:32

calling you when this

33:35

thing with this one

33:37

female friend, when I

33:39

got to know the

33:42

truth, I thought about

33:44

calling you. Sorry, you

33:46

mean the truth about

33:49

calling you? Sorry, you

33:51

mean the truth about

33:53

his friend who he

33:55

slept with who he

33:58

wanted to the wedding?

34:00

Yes. I thought about

34:02

calling you, but probably

34:05

at the end of

34:07

the day I thought

34:09

that maybe I exaggerating

34:12

and yeah, and take

34:14

this too serious. Okay.

34:16

All right. So when

34:18

after, when did you

34:21

first begin to notice

34:23

real problems in the

34:25

relationship? Yeah,

34:28

I would say when

34:30

I realized that he

34:32

wasn't honest when I,

34:34

yeah, when I, when

34:37

he told me the

34:39

truth about this friends

34:41

with benefits woman. Oh,

34:44

that was before, so

34:46

that was before you

34:48

got married, right? Yes.

34:50

This must have been

34:53

one, maybe three weeks

34:55

after we got engaged.

34:57

Okay, so tell me

34:59

a little bit about

35:02

what happened. I mean,

35:04

I've got the general

35:06

outline, but more details.

35:09

Yes, I mean, it

35:11

was so that I

35:13

met her two times

35:15

because I was, before

35:18

I was told the

35:20

truth. And when I

35:22

first met her, I

35:24

was told, yeah, this

35:27

is, can I give

35:29

her a name? Let's

35:31

just give another name.

35:34

Okay, I will call

35:36

her Emma. Emma, okay,

35:38

good. Yeah, Emma. So,

35:40

the first time when

35:43

I met Emma, we

35:45

were sitting on the

35:47

sofa and I tried.

35:49

to talk to her

35:52

but she was very

35:54

yeah she how would

35:56

you say a person

35:59

who doesn't like to

36:01

talk. I need the

36:03

word. Oh, represent or

36:05

shy or something like

36:08

that. Yes, shy. Yes,

36:10

I mean, she was

36:12

very shy and after

36:14

a while, maybe after

36:17

one hour, so I

36:19

asked her if she

36:21

and Dieta, if they

36:24

had... in the past

36:26

sex and both of

36:28

them denied that. Yeah

36:30

and then I saw

36:33

her a second time

36:35

and blah blah blah

36:37

and yes three weeks

36:39

after we got engaged

36:42

I and Stita we

36:44

went to a funeral

36:46

and funerals in Germany.

36:49

They are like an

36:51

event where people at

36:53

the event where people

36:55

attend. eat and drink

36:58

a lot. And yeah,

37:00

my house, yeah, instead

37:02

I've heard that I'm,

37:04

yeah, that I could,

37:07

yeah, that this truth

37:09

wouldn't be a problem

37:11

to me. And he

37:14

just, yeah, I mean,

37:16

we were outside. He

37:18

had, I think his

37:20

beer in his hand

37:23

and just. Oh yeah,

37:25

we were talking with

37:27

two other friends and

37:29

we had the topic

37:32

about sex and friends

37:34

with benefits and blah

37:36

blah. And I then

37:39

asked him again if

37:41

he really had any

37:43

sex with a friend

37:45

with Emma, right? Not

37:48

especially with Emma, just

37:50

for curious as friends

37:52

as a whole. Yeah,

37:54

just friends as a

37:57

whole. Yeah, just that.

37:59

Yeah, and he just

38:01

looks at me with

38:04

the beyond the hand

38:06

and. says to me,

38:08

yeah, what do you

38:10

think with whom I

38:13

had sex with? Yeah,

38:15

with Emma and I

38:17

just saw and yeah,

38:19

I was watching him

38:22

and realized that he

38:24

wasn't honest. Right, okay.

38:26

And what happened after

38:29

that? I

38:32

made a very big

38:34

scene. I mean, what

38:37

do you mean? A

38:39

very big scene. It

38:41

was a new topic

38:43

between me and him

38:45

and on the funeral,

38:48

between those two other

38:50

friends. I mean, I

38:52

didn't want it to

38:54

make... too much of

38:56

a scene because of

38:59

the funeral because the

39:01

friend's mother died and

39:03

but yeah there was

39:05

a lot of discussion

39:07

and it didn't end

39:10

it by that day.

39:12

Okay and so tell

39:14

me a little bit

39:16

more about the scene

39:18

in more detail. I

39:21

was very disappointed of

39:23

Dieter and I was

39:25

very disappointed of Dieter

39:27

and I was very

39:29

disappointed of Dieter and

39:32

told him why. Why?

39:34

Yeah, I mean, I

39:36

was very disappointed of

39:38

Dieter. was... How could

39:40

you say, very shocked?

39:43

And yeah, I mean,

39:45

I was shocked that

39:47

I was so much

39:49

belied because... Well, because

39:51

Emma also was going

39:54

to come to your

39:56

wedding, right? Yes, this

39:58

was another point later

40:00

on in that conversation,

40:02

I said, but this

40:05

woman will never come

40:07

to our wedding and...

40:09

he said yes she

40:11

will and then it

40:13

wasn't oh sorry sorry

40:15

let me just that's

40:18

a big that's a

40:20

big thing so after

40:22

he admitted that he

40:24

lied to you about

40:26

having sex with him

40:29

he admitted that he

40:31

lied he just I

40:33

mean he could also

40:35

there was no repentance

40:37

now I need to

40:40

tell you the truth

40:42

allied in the past

40:44

oh I said my

40:46

name oh sorry I'll

40:48

I'll take it up

40:51

okay sorry I mean

40:53

he could have show

40:55

a little bit of

40:57

repentance and yeah, say

40:59

sorry and yeah, I'm

41:02

so sorry I lied

41:04

to you in the

41:06

past, I want to

41:08

tell you the truth

41:10

and so on, but

41:13

there was just, yeah,

41:15

what do you think,

41:17

with whom I slept,

41:19

yeah, with Emma? You

41:21

know, there was no...

41:25

No repentance. Okay.

41:28

No apology. Got

41:30

it. Okay. All

41:32

right. And yeah,

41:34

then... So sorry,

41:36

did you talk

41:38

to any friends

41:41

or family about

41:43

Dieter's lying and

41:45

his lack of

41:47

repentant? Yes. Yes,

41:49

I talked to...

41:51

to almost all

41:54

of my friends

41:56

and to his

41:58

friends. And

42:00

later on, I mean,

42:02

then after a couple

42:05

of months, yeah, no,

42:07

maybe one month before

42:09

the wedding, I, no,

42:12

no, somewhere in the

42:14

summer I told it

42:16

to my mother and

42:19

she only said, yeah,

42:21

no, that's not going

42:23

to happen. This woman

42:26

can't count to the

42:28

wedding. And month before

42:30

the wedding, I told

42:33

it also to my

42:35

father, because I had

42:37

a fight with Dieter

42:40

and I'm about that

42:42

topic. And I was

42:44

very hurt and cried

42:47

and my father saw

42:49

that and he then

42:51

asked, and he then

42:54

asked, yeah, what's wrong.

42:57

Yeah, what happened and

42:59

I just couldn't hold

43:02

it. Anyone told him

43:05

the truth? No. And

43:07

my father said, then

43:10

maybe don't marry him.

43:12

Okay. And what did

43:15

your mother say anything?

43:18

No, I mean, she

43:20

would just say, yeah.

43:23

How can he think

43:26

about something he gets

43:28

like this? It's not

43:31

going to happen. Okay.

43:34

So your mother said

43:36

don't marry him as

43:39

well? No. My father

43:42

was it. Your father?

43:44

And sorry, my mother

43:47

heard, what did your

43:50

mother say? Didn't give

43:52

me any advice. She

43:55

just said you know

43:58

this woman can't come

44:00

to the wedding. Right.

44:03

That it's, yeah, no.

44:06

There is no logical

44:08

explanation, only emotional, only

44:11

emotional arguments, emotional reasons,

44:14

because yeah, maybe some

44:16

other people don't have

44:19

a problem when a

44:22

former sexual. partner of

44:24

the husband comes to

44:27

the wedding, but I

44:30

have, but she didn't

44:32

care about that. Right,

44:35

okay. Okay, got it.

44:38

So, is it fair

44:40

to say that most

44:43

people understood what you

44:45

were upset about and

44:48

at least some people,

44:51

including your father said,

44:53

maybe it's better not

44:56

to marry him? It

45:00

was only my father,

45:02

my father, who had

45:05

this opinion. Yeah, I

45:07

mean, my husband would

45:10

say, yeah, don't be

45:12

so stiff. It's normal.

45:14

It's normal that people

45:17

in their friends cycle,

45:19

that they are, for

45:22

example. friends who have...

45:24

yeah that's... yeah that's...

45:27

I mean he's a

45:29

German and he would

45:32

say that yeah in

45:34

Germany it's normal that

45:37

friends have sex with

45:39

friends and they they...

45:42

and then after a

45:44

while they're not together

45:47

and then they have

45:49

sex with another friend

45:52

and such things. I'm

45:54

not a German. Sorry.

45:59

not a German?

46:01

No. No, I'm

46:03

not. Okay. All right.

46:06

And so did

46:08

you consider not

46:10

marrying him? Yes.

46:12

And yes, we

46:14

considered it. And after

46:17

we had, I

46:19

mean, when we

46:21

had a fight.

46:23

I would say

46:25

we both are

46:27

able to say things

46:29

that we both

46:31

regret at the

46:33

end or don't

46:35

really mean it

46:37

or don't really mean

46:40

it. One month

46:42

before we got

46:44

married, we had

46:46

a fight about

46:48

the phone and Dieter

46:51

said that yeah,

46:53

maybe we should

46:55

just... don't

46:57

get married very often engagement

46:59

because I just couldn't because

47:02

I just wanted to accept

47:04

the that this woman because

47:06

I just wouldn't accept this

47:08

woman on our wedding but

47:10

well but your issue sorry

47:12

your issue was that he

47:14

lied wasn't it mostly yeah

47:16

most yeah I mean, and

47:18

sorry to interrupt, but then

47:20

your issue became that he

47:22

showed no regret for his

47:24

lying and he wouldn't even

47:27

admit that he lied, right?

47:29

Yes, he would just say,

47:31

yeah, it wasn't lying because

47:33

I just didn't tell you

47:35

that, but that's not true

47:37

because I asked both of

47:39

them on the sofa and

47:41

I first met her. if

47:43

they had sex with each

47:45

other. No, no, but sorry,

47:47

and it doesn't matter, lying

47:49

by omission is the worst

47:51

form. lying because it doesn't

47:54

leave any marks. Yes I

47:56

mean if you just I

47:58

mean like sorry let me

48:00

just be clear let me

48:02

let me be clear about

48:04

this you can't have a

48:06

relationship with someone who works

48:08

on what could be called

48:10

technicalities so if somebody ever

48:12

says well technically I didn't

48:14

actually lie to you directly

48:16

because I never is like

48:19

that is not the spirit

48:21

of honesty that is somebody

48:23

who can make any excuse

48:25

and call any bad action,

48:27

anything they want, right? Yes.

48:29

Okay, got it. Yes. Okay.

48:31

And... All right, so he

48:33

lied about it, and then

48:35

he would not admit that

48:37

he lied. He did not

48:39

have any conscience or any

48:41

negative feelings. He didn't feel

48:43

guilty or he didn't express

48:46

any guilt or remorse or

48:48

anything like that. Those were

48:50

the major issues, right? Yes.

48:52

So why, why, how was

48:54

this resolved? I mean, why

48:56

did you get married? It,

48:58

I mean, at the end,

49:00

he just accepted that this

49:02

woman wouldn't come to the

49:04

wedding. No, but that wasn't

49:06

the issue. It wasn't the

49:08

issue was not whether she

49:11

came or not. That wasn't

49:13

the issue was not whether

49:15

she came or not. That

49:17

wasn't the issue. So that

49:19

doesn't that doesn't resolve anything.

49:21

And I'm sure he said

49:23

something like fine if it's

49:25

so important for you I

49:27

I won't bring him if

49:29

the you know it was

49:31

fine you know as opposed

49:33

to I did something wrong

49:35

and this is bad for

49:38

the engagement. You're right. So

49:40

the issue wasn't whether she

49:42

comes or not. The issue

49:44

was that he lied and

49:46

then he lied about lying

49:48

and he showed no remorse

49:50

and he insulted you for

49:52

being too. rural or provincial

49:54

or non-German to not be

49:56

as sophisticated. and wonderful as

49:58

all these people who apparently

50:00

just sleep together as you

50:03

and I might shake hands.

50:05

Yes. So he was very

50:07

dismissive or he put you

50:09

down as far as I

50:11

can understand it saying, hey

50:13

this is what all the

50:15

Germans do if you don't

50:17

understand it's because you're not

50:19

sophisticated or... I'm sorry? Yeah,

50:21

he would say it's normal

50:23

and average and what's your

50:25

problem everybody does that? Yes,

50:28

so that's a lie too.

50:31

It's normal in Germany. It's

50:33

also normal in Germany that

50:36

your parents are not curious

50:38

with whom you are together.

50:41

And he would say that

50:43

my expectations that a family

50:46

should show curious curiosity in

50:48

who you are bringing. But

50:51

that's unrealistic and he would

50:53

say, yeah, your family also

50:56

didn't do that. Well, he

50:58

was kind of right about

51:01

that, wasn't he? He was

51:03

right, yeah. Right, okay. All

51:06

right, so you have this

51:08

big fight and then how

51:11

was it resolved? He just

51:13

didn't want to accept it

51:16

and has said, yeah, you

51:18

don't really know her good

51:21

enough. Meet her a third

51:23

time and try to get

51:26

to know her, maybe you

51:28

would like her. So... No,

51:31

but that's nothing to... That's

51:33

not the issue at all,

51:36

right? Yeah. Now expecting you

51:38

to be friends, expecting you,

51:41

his fiancé or wife, to

51:43

be friends with a woman

51:46

he slept with a woman

51:48

he slept with is insane.

51:52

Maybe not friends,

51:54

but accept, yeah,

51:56

I don't, yeah,

51:58

I mean, I

52:01

know, it's insane.

52:03

a lover to

52:05

have an ex-lover

52:08

at your wedding

52:10

is insane. I

52:12

couldn't give him

52:14

any rational reasons

52:17

why really only

52:19

emotional only emotional

52:21

and yeah only

52:24

emotional subjective reasons.

52:26

Well The

52:28

objective reason, the objective reason

52:30

is that you want people

52:32

in your life, when you

52:35

get married, you want people

52:37

in your life who can

52:39

be objective about your marriage,

52:42

and ex-lovers, people you've had

52:44

sex with, can't be objective

52:46

about your marriage. They can't

52:48

give you good advice because

52:51

they are too bound up

52:53

through sexual activity in at

52:55

least one person. in the

52:58

marriage, so they can't be

53:00

objective. It's a conflict of

53:02

interest to have friends around

53:04

who you've slept with when

53:07

you get married. And having

53:09

ex-girlfriends at a wedding is

53:11

repulsive. It's psycho, it's horrible.

53:13

It's an insult to you.

53:16

It's not... Yeah, I know

53:18

that and he... Yeah, I

53:20

mean... I'm sorry, something's gone

53:23

on with an audio, sorry,

53:25

something's not quite right with

53:27

your audio, it seems to

53:29

be quite muffled. Okay. Because

53:32

he's starting a new life

53:34

of monogamy and... Yes. You

53:36

can't have previous sexual partners

53:39

as part of your new

53:41

marriage. Yes, especially if it

53:43

was only a person... I

53:45

mean, wasn't... It wasn't even

53:48

a relationship or something like

53:50

that. It was only to

53:52

have sex with. Well, you

53:55

don't know. You don't know

53:57

what it was because they're

53:59

lying. Yes. Right? So why

54:01

on earth would you know

54:04

anything? I wouldn't believe anything

54:06

that people say with regards

54:08

to this. And here's the

54:11

other thing. So let's say

54:13

that you didn't have a

54:15

crystal clear logical reason as

54:17

to why you didn't want

54:20

the woman he'd had sex

54:22

with at your wedding. Right?

54:24

Let's say you didn't have

54:26

a good objective reason, right?

54:29

So what? So what? A

54:31

friend of mine got married

54:33

and he had a lovely

54:36

four-poster bed that he'd had

54:38

for some years. And his

54:40

fiancé said, I'm not sleeping

54:42

in that bed because you've

54:45

had other women in that

54:47

bed because you've had other

54:49

women in that bed in

54:52

that bed because you've had

54:54

other women in that bed

54:56

in that bed. Now,

54:59

is that totally rational? I don't

55:01

know, but it doesn't really matter.

55:04

Because if she's not comfortable, and

55:06

this is what I said to

55:08

him, I said, look, if your

55:11

wife is not comfortable, then ditch

55:13

the bed. Don't have the bed.

55:15

Yes, and I want you to

55:17

watch you. Sorry, there's something going

55:20

on. I'm sorry, your audio is

55:22

bad again. I don't know what's

55:24

going on, but we're going to

55:27

have to fix it. Yeah, because

55:29

I can hear. Just stupid, stick

55:31

with that. Okay, good. Yeah, so

55:34

it doesn't matter if you don't

55:36

have some big objective rational reason

55:38

as to why, he should still

55:41

say, well, if it's really important

55:43

to you, of course my friend

55:45

won't be there, because you are

55:48

his sole loyalty now. You are

55:50

the loyalty that beats everything else.

55:52

So if you don't want a

55:55

woman he's had sex with at

55:57

your wedding, his loyalty is to

55:59

you, not to his friend. Because

56:02

if he says, well my loyalty

56:04

is to my friend who I

56:06

had sex with, not... to you,

56:09

who's going to be my bride,

56:11

my wife, the mother of my

56:13

children, and so on, then his

56:16

priorities are all wrong. You should

56:18

be his very highest priority. And

56:20

therefore, if you don't want something,

56:23

then he should say, okay, we

56:25

won't do it. Yeah. I mean,

56:27

then he would ask me, okay.

56:30

But I want her to be

56:33

at that wedding because she was

56:35

one of the few people. That

56:37

was there for me when I

56:39

had a very bad time. Not

56:42

in my family was there for

56:44

me. So... Okay, so then I

56:46

would say to him, I would

56:48

say to him, but I'm your

56:51

fiancé, I'm going to be your

56:53

wife, I'm the one who's there

56:55

for you now, and you cannot

56:57

have a woman you had sex

57:00

with at her wedding. You can't

57:02

do it. You can't do it.

57:04

That's all in the past. How

57:07

would you like it if I

57:09

had, you know, a man I'd

57:11

had sex with at the wedding?

57:13

Now he of course, but then

57:16

say, oh I'm fine with it,

57:18

I don't care, blah blah blah,

57:20

right? And that's kind of, that's

57:22

kind of creepy too, but no,

57:25

your loyalty is to me. You

57:27

know, you gave up the right

57:29

to have her at her wedding

57:31

when you slept with her. you

57:34

are supposed to be devoted to

57:36

me and you can't have women

57:38

you previously had sex with at

57:40

a wedding because it's a new

57:43

start it's we've become one flesh

57:45

and your loyalty is to me

57:47

now not to previous sexual partners

57:50

yes okay so he said did

57:52

he say that she said that

57:54

she that Emma wouldn't come to

57:56

the wedding One

58:00

month before our wedding,

58:02

he just had no

58:05

energy for this conflict

58:07

and just said, yeah,

58:09

okay, she doesn't come.

58:12

And one day before

58:14

he said that also

58:16

Emma communicated to me

58:19

that she is fine

58:21

with that. because I

58:23

was more or less.

58:26

Yeah, I mean, it

58:28

has said, yeah, you

58:30

need to get to

58:32

know her better. Sorry,

58:35

audio is bad again.

58:37

Are you moving away

58:39

from the phone or

58:42

are you walking around

58:44

or are you walking

58:46

around or is there

58:49

something else that's using

58:51

your internet because... Okay,

58:53

so she decided, Amber

58:55

decided not to come

58:58

and... Dieter

59:00

said she wasn't going

59:02

to come, but nobody addressed

59:04

your actual issues. They

59:06

just kind of gave way

59:09

to you because it bothered

59:11

you, but grudgingly. Is that

59:14

right? I mean, I

59:16

addressed this issue to Dieter.

59:18

It seemed like he

59:20

didn't care about that in

59:23

a couple of weeks ago.

59:25

He said to me that,

59:28

yeah, I know, you

59:30

want an apology because what

59:32

I did and you

59:34

will get it when you

59:37

are not going to,

59:39

when you are not going

59:41

to ask me all the

59:44

time for it, but now

59:46

I'm not willing to

59:48

give it to you. I'm

59:51

sorry I didn't understand

59:53

that so Dieter said he

59:55

was not going to

59:57

apologize for wanting Emma at

1:00:00

the wedding, is that right?

1:00:03

No, not for wanting her

1:00:05

at the wedding, for

1:00:07

lying to me that they

1:00:10

had sex. Oh, so

1:00:12

he said he wasn't going

1:00:14

to apologize to lying to

1:00:17

you about having sex. Right.

1:00:19

Okay. Right. So why

1:00:21

did you get married? Did

1:00:31

you pray on this?

1:00:33

Did you ask any

1:00:35

priest or anyone? I

1:00:37

mean you didn't ask

1:00:40

me, although you were

1:00:42

still, you were listening

1:00:44

to me at this

1:00:46

point, right? But yes.

1:00:48

Did you, did you

1:00:50

pray? Did you ask

1:00:52

God for guidance? What

1:00:54

did you get out

1:00:56

of that? And what

1:00:58

did God say to

1:01:00

you? I mean, nothing.

1:01:02

Okay. So your father

1:01:05

said maybe you shouldn't

1:01:07

get married. He's a

1:01:09

liar. He blames you.

1:01:11

He puts you down.

1:01:13

He won't take responsibility.

1:01:15

He lied to you

1:01:17

about having sex with

1:01:19

Emma. He also lied

1:01:21

to you about his

1:01:23

body count and he

1:01:25

refused to admit any

1:01:27

kind of fault. and

1:01:30

refused to apologize and

1:01:32

basically said that your

1:01:34

preferences which are to

1:01:36

me perfectly rational were

1:01:38

just kind of ill-informed

1:01:41

or prejudicial or just

1:01:43

the result of not

1:01:45

understanding all of the

1:01:47

glories of German culture.

1:01:49

Yeah. So what was,

1:01:51

help me, anti's fat,

1:01:53

anti short. Okay. So

1:01:55

what was it that

1:01:57

had you move forward?

1:02:00

What was so amazing

1:02:02

about this guy that

1:02:04

even though he's behaving

1:02:06

like a real turret

1:02:08

head, what was it

1:02:10

that was so compelling

1:02:12

about this guy that

1:02:14

you wanted to move

1:02:16

forward? I mean, when

1:02:18

we hadn't this argument

1:02:21

about this smart topic,

1:02:23

then we had no

1:02:25

conflict. Yeah, I mean,

1:02:27

spending time. I mean,

1:02:29

yeah, I mean, we

1:02:31

didn't fight. And... But

1:02:33

you don't know how

1:02:35

much you were, you

1:02:37

were not fighting because

1:02:39

he was lying. He

1:02:42

wants the same things

1:02:44

out of life. A

1:02:46

family, children. Yeah, and...

1:02:48

No, but he's not

1:02:50

moral. I know. And

1:02:52

you've listened to me,

1:02:54

right? I mean, I

1:02:56

don't know if you've

1:02:58

listened to me, right?

1:03:01

I mean, I don't

1:03:03

know if you agree

1:03:05

with me or not,

1:03:07

but when you said

1:03:09

you loved him. Because

1:03:11

I'm not saying he's

1:03:13

some evil guy, but

1:03:15

for especially for a

1:03:17

guy in his 30s,

1:03:19

you should know a

1:03:22

heck of a lot

1:03:24

better about how to

1:03:26

be a good man

1:03:28

than lying and gas

1:03:30

lighting and manipulating and

1:03:32

putting someone down who

1:03:34

challenges you and so

1:03:36

on, right? That's bad.

1:03:38

That's very bad behavior,

1:03:40

right? Right. So if

1:03:43

love is our involuntary

1:03:45

response to virtue, if

1:03:47

we're virtuous, you can't

1:03:49

love someone. And of

1:03:51

course we can love

1:03:53

people who make mistakes.

1:03:55

We all make mistakes

1:03:57

and we all can

1:03:59

do things that are

1:04:02

a bit mean from

1:04:04

time to time and

1:04:06

we can get called

1:04:08

out on that and

1:04:10

we can be honorable

1:04:12

about our responses. But

1:04:14

he didn't do any

1:04:16

of that. He's smug

1:04:18

and superior, insulting, and

1:04:20

false and doesn't take

1:04:23

responsibility for lying. These

1:04:25

are all very bad

1:04:27

signs. So maybe you

1:04:29

got along with him because you

1:04:31

didn't contradict him or you didn't

1:04:34

catch him in lies. Yeah. Okay.

1:04:36

So why did you marry him?

1:04:38

Why didn't you say, listen, we

1:04:40

need a little bit more time

1:04:43

because I'm kind of shaken by

1:04:45

this lying thing and the fact

1:04:47

that you won't admit that you're

1:04:49

lying, this makes me nervous, I'm

1:04:52

scared because... If you are someone

1:04:54

who doesn't have a commitment to

1:04:56

telling the truth and in fact

1:04:58

just lies about lying, I'm concerned

1:05:01

for our children. Because marriage isn't

1:05:03

about you, right? Marriage isn't about

1:05:05

you and marriage isn't about Dieter.

1:05:08

Marriage is about your children. And

1:05:10

it doesn't so much matter what

1:05:12

you like or you find comfortable

1:05:14

or Dieter makes you laugh. It

1:05:17

matters, one thing really and one

1:05:19

thing only matters in a marriage.

1:05:21

Which is what kind of father

1:05:23

is he going to be? Because

1:05:26

you're choosing, you could choose to

1:05:28

eat all you want and if

1:05:30

you don't want to have kids,

1:05:32

that's your, you know, that doesn't

1:05:35

really matter. But you're talking about

1:05:37

wanting to have kids, which means

1:05:39

the only thing that really matters

1:05:42

is how good a father he's

1:05:44

going to be a good father

1:05:46

based upon how he was treating

1:05:48

you in this conflict. They

1:05:52

only hunt this conflict

1:05:55

now. Okay, so why

1:05:57

did you? you get

1:06:00

married so quickly when

1:06:02

you had a huge

1:06:05

army of red flags

1:06:07

before the wedding, even

1:06:10

before the engagement? Why

1:06:12

did you move forward

1:06:15

so quickly? One reason,

1:06:17

one of the reasons

1:06:20

why I, yeah, went

1:06:22

along with the wedding

1:06:24

was because I, um,

1:06:27

I mean, when I

1:06:29

met him, I was

1:06:32

a virgin after, yeah,

1:06:34

I mean, when I

1:06:37

met him, I was

1:06:39

a virgin, after, yeah,

1:06:42

I mean, a couple

1:06:44

of weeks after we

1:06:47

got engaged. We had

1:06:49

first time sex. We

1:06:52

had first time sex.

1:06:54

And I mean, I

1:06:56

thought that if I

1:06:59

already, I mean, this

1:07:01

was one of the

1:07:04

reasons why I wanted

1:07:06

to go on. I

1:07:09

wanted to marry him.

1:07:11

You wanted to marry

1:07:14

him. You wanted to

1:07:16

marry him because you'd

1:07:19

had sex with him.

1:07:21

It was one of

1:07:24

the reasons. I'm just

1:07:26

asking, I don't know,

1:07:28

one of the reasons

1:07:31

it might be the

1:07:33

10th most important reason,

1:07:36

but what a, what

1:07:38

is, was it an

1:07:41

important reason? Sorry, I

1:07:43

mean, yeah, this was

1:07:46

an important reason. And

1:07:48

why did you choose,

1:07:51

why did you choose

1:07:53

to have sex before

1:07:56

marriage? I

1:08:00

mean, to be honest,

1:08:02

I didn't want it.

1:08:04

He wanted it very

1:08:07

badly and I mean,

1:08:09

even while we were

1:08:11

dating and so on.

1:08:13

But I said that

1:08:15

I wanted to wage.

1:08:18

Yeah, but she was

1:08:20

very pushy and... So

1:08:22

you wanted to wait

1:08:24

and he knew of

1:08:26

course that it was

1:08:29

very important to you

1:08:31

to wait until you

1:08:33

were married, right? Yeah.

1:08:35

So isn't that extremely

1:08:37

disrespectful to you? To

1:08:40

know that you're a

1:08:42

virgin, to know that

1:08:44

you want to wait

1:08:46

until you get married

1:08:48

and to be very

1:08:51

pushy to have sex.

1:08:53

Yeah. Was that not

1:08:55

a very big red

1:08:57

flag for you? Yes,

1:09:02

it was. So why

1:09:05

do you think you

1:09:07

did it? And it's

1:09:09

not a big criticism

1:09:11

thing, I'm genuinely curious,

1:09:13

I mean if you've

1:09:15

waited that long, why

1:09:18

not just wait another

1:09:20

couple of weeks? You

1:09:22

mean a couple of

1:09:24

months? Sorry, a couple

1:09:26

of months, yeah. Well,

1:09:28

no, but the question

1:09:30

is why you made

1:09:33

the decision at the

1:09:35

time. Did you did

1:09:37

you fear that he

1:09:39

would break up with

1:09:41

you or I mean,

1:09:43

how insistent was he?

1:09:46

Oh, okay, so So

1:09:48

he was very pushy

1:09:50

and I think that

1:09:52

one thing that he

1:09:54

said lead to saying

1:09:56

yes to me and

1:09:58

was that He said

1:10:01

that, okay, when you

1:10:03

don't want to,

1:10:05

okay, so I need to

1:10:08

organize my

1:10:10

mind. He said that,

1:10:12

okay, so I need to

1:10:15

organize my mind. He

1:10:17

said that, okay, when

1:10:20

you don't want

1:10:22

to have sex with

1:10:24

me, until marriage

1:10:27

and this woman.

1:10:29

take a little

1:10:31

couple months

1:10:33

or so, maybe

1:10:36

I need to try

1:10:38

to touch a woman

1:10:40

for sex. Okay,

1:10:43

sorry, your audio

1:10:45

is bad again,

1:10:48

but what I

1:10:50

think I understood

1:10:52

was he said

1:10:54

to you, if we

1:10:57

can't have sex. Yeah,

1:11:01

that's... I need to

1:11:03

find this somewhere else

1:11:05

when you're not

1:11:07

willing to give it to

1:11:09

me. Okay, so he said

1:11:11

he was going to break

1:11:13

up with you or cheat on

1:11:16

you if you didn't give

1:11:18

him sex. Not break

1:11:20

up, just find somewhere

1:11:23

else. Well, no, that's

1:11:25

cheating on you. You're

1:11:27

right. I mean, and would you,

1:11:29

I mean, let's say he did

1:11:32

go and have sex with another

1:11:34

woman or other women, let's

1:11:37

say that he did do that,

1:11:39

would you have broken up

1:11:41

with him? Okay, so that's

1:11:43

what I mean. So he said, give

1:11:45

me sex or I'm going to

1:11:48

have sex with other women

1:11:50

or another woman, and that

1:11:52

will be the end of

1:11:55

our relationship. And

1:11:57

now that it will be the end of our

1:11:59

relation. relationship just

1:12:01

it would be necessary to

1:12:04

the point when I am be willing

1:12:06

to give it to him. I'm

1:12:08

sorry I'm having trouble following

1:12:11

what you're saying the audio

1:12:13

is quite bad so just

1:12:15

try that again we'll hope

1:12:17

it will clear up. So no

1:12:20

he didn't say that he wanted

1:12:22

to break up with me.

1:12:24

No no I get that the

1:12:26

consequence would be... that he would

1:12:28

break that your relationship would end

1:12:31

because if he sleeps with someone

1:12:33

else you'll break up with him right

1:12:35

because he's cheated on you. Yes. So

1:12:37

the consequence of him sleeping I get

1:12:39

he didn't say it will be over but

1:12:42

it would be over because if he

1:12:44

slept with another woman then you would

1:12:46

break up with him if I understand

1:12:48

this correctly. Yes. Okay so he threatened

1:12:51

you with the end of the relationship

1:12:53

the end of the engagement and

1:12:55

really not getting married. Unless

1:12:57

you gave him sex. Yes.

1:13:00

Okay. And this also was

1:13:02

not a red flag enough

1:13:05

to put the brakes on

1:13:07

or to end the relationship,

1:13:10

is that right? No. I

1:13:12

let it happen. I didn't

1:13:15

regret it. Well, you didn't

1:13:17

just let it happen.

1:13:19

I mean, you didn't

1:13:21

just let it happen. I

1:13:23

mean, you said yes, right.

1:13:26

So you chose to have

1:13:28

sex with him to

1:13:30

keep him? To keep the

1:13:33

relationship from

1:13:36

ending? Okay. Do

1:13:38

you think that he

1:13:40

is... You said that

1:13:42

his sex drive is

1:13:44

lower now. Do you

1:13:47

think that he's getting

1:13:49

sex outside the

1:13:51

marriage at the

1:13:54

moment? No. And why do

1:13:56

you think that? I mean, he's so desperate for

1:13:58

sex, he's kind of half threatening you. to

1:14:00

get sex while you were engaged,

1:14:02

but now you say he doesn't

1:14:04

really pursue sex much with you

1:14:06

at all because he's got this

1:14:08

nonsense about needing to fight for

1:14:10

it or pursue it or hunt

1:14:13

for it or something like that.

1:14:15

So if his sex drive was

1:14:17

so high that he's half bullying

1:14:19

you to have sex before marriage

1:14:21

against your morals and wishes. And

1:14:24

now he's not really

1:14:26

pursuing sex much with

1:14:28

you at all. Why

1:14:31

would you think he's

1:14:33

not getting it from

1:14:35

outside the marriage? I'm

1:14:37

not saying he is.

1:14:40

I'm just, how do

1:14:42

you know for sure?

1:14:44

I mean, I know

1:14:47

it because lately, not

1:14:49

because lately, I mean,

1:14:51

since a couple months,

1:14:53

he's working from home

1:14:56

and then... don't really

1:14:58

have a lot of

1:15:00

contact with, yeah, don't

1:15:02

really go to other

1:15:05

people. I mean, I

1:15:07

talked with them and

1:15:09

thought that and she

1:15:12

knows that it's an

1:15:14

issue for me and

1:15:16

I mean, the last

1:15:18

three months were a

1:15:21

little bit hard on

1:15:23

him and she had

1:15:25

a very depressing phase

1:15:28

and yeah then he's

1:15:30

also now happy with

1:15:32

his body and yes

1:15:34

have you ever talked

1:15:37

sorry have you ever

1:15:39

talked to him about

1:15:41

I assume it made

1:15:43

you quite upset that

1:15:46

he was very aggressive

1:15:48

about wanting sex before

1:15:50

marriage yes I talked

1:15:53

with him about that

1:15:55

about about And yeah,

1:15:57

apologize for it. Yes.

1:16:01

Oh, okay. Okay. And

1:16:03

what is your, sorry,

1:16:05

what is your sexual

1:16:07

frequency at the moment?

1:16:10

Is it once a

1:16:12

month, once a week,

1:16:14

or more or less?

1:16:16

I mean, it's, you

1:16:19

know, maybe if, you

1:16:21

know, um, if we

1:16:23

have a, four day,

1:16:25

but, um, yeah. I

1:16:28

mean, for a young

1:16:30

couple, well, the woman

1:16:32

is, yeah, I would

1:16:34

say chasing the man

1:16:37

and the man is,

1:16:39

um, most of the

1:16:41

time saying, uh, no,

1:16:43

I don't want, because

1:16:46

of this and that.

1:16:48

Um, yeah, you don't,

1:16:50

you, sorry. Yeah. Good

1:16:52

about that. Right, right.

1:16:55

I sympathize with that.

1:16:57

Was he, you said

1:16:59

that he's quite successful,

1:17:01

is he wealthy? Is

1:17:03

that another factor in

1:17:06

what makes him suitable

1:17:08

as a husband? Also,

1:17:10

yeah. Okay, so he's

1:17:12

wealthy and of course

1:17:15

if you were to

1:17:17

date a man your

1:17:19

own age, you wouldn't

1:17:21

have access to that

1:17:24

kind of money, right?

1:17:26

I mean, I also

1:17:28

take it... And so

1:17:30

was the money, I

1:17:33

mean if your husband

1:17:35

had been poor, and

1:17:37

were students. Yes, but

1:17:39

you didn't marry him,

1:17:42

you didn't marry him

1:17:44

in six months, right?

1:17:46

No. And so was

1:17:48

the money, I mean,

1:17:51

if your husband had

1:17:53

been poor, would he

1:17:55

have been much less

1:17:57

attractive? to you. If

1:18:01

you would have been

1:18:03

poor, I mean, he

1:18:05

is not wealthy in

1:18:07

the way. You probably

1:18:10

think, I mean, he

1:18:12

earns very good, but

1:18:14

wealth is something different

1:18:16

than he earns. Yeah,

1:18:18

four times the average

1:18:20

income. Yeah, so that's

1:18:22

well. I mean, so

1:18:24

in America, the average

1:18:26

income, you know, if

1:18:28

it's $40,000, somebody making

1:18:30

$160,000 a year, it's

1:18:32

wealthy. Yes. Okay. All

1:18:34

right. And how is

1:18:36

your marriage in terms

1:18:38

of conversation? Are you

1:18:40

guys having enjoyable conversations?

1:18:42

Does he still make

1:18:44

you laugh? Are you

1:18:46

having pleasant chats? Are

1:18:48

you having pleasant chats?

1:18:50

conversation about things. Yes.

1:18:53

And that's still continuing?

1:18:55

Yes, it does. Yes.

1:18:57

Okay, so financially he's

1:18:59

doing well, your conversations

1:19:01

are great, he's still

1:19:03

making you laugh, it's

1:19:05

just the sexual sexuality

1:19:07

that's the issue, is

1:19:09

that right? Not only,

1:19:11

I mean... I know

1:19:13

about his sexual past

1:19:15

and it's often sometimes

1:19:17

boring me and I

1:19:19

mean sometimes he will...

1:19:21

Yes, but sorry, but

1:19:23

you wanted an older

1:19:25

man and an older

1:19:27

man who's very successful.

1:19:29

Well my dear older

1:19:31

men who are very

1:19:33

successful are generally high

1:19:36

testosterone which means high

1:19:38

sex drive. If you

1:19:40

didn't want a man

1:19:42

with a sexual past,

1:19:44

you could have dated

1:19:46

someone your own age

1:19:48

who wouldn't have had

1:19:50

that sexual past. Yeah,

1:19:52

you said it was

1:19:54

a little higher. You

1:19:56

can't have everything in

1:19:58

life. Everything is a

1:20:00

trade-off. If you want

1:20:02

an older man who's

1:20:04

wealthy, he's going to

1:20:06

have a sexual past.

1:20:08

And his body count

1:20:10

of six in his

1:20:12

early 30s is not

1:20:14

terrible. You said it

1:20:17

was a little higher.

1:20:19

Four times higher. Oh,

1:20:21

so it's 24. So

1:20:23

it's 24. And you

1:20:25

found out about the

1:20:27

24 before you got

1:20:29

married, right? And was

1:20:31

it before you got

1:20:33

engaged? Our engagement. Oh,

1:20:35

it was at your

1:20:37

engagement. Okay. So you

1:20:39

knew that about your

1:20:41

husband and you chose

1:20:43

to marry him, right?

1:20:45

Yes. So you can't,

1:20:47

after you marry, unless

1:20:49

you're just going to

1:20:51

divorce, you can't, choose

1:20:53

what you have chosen.

1:20:56

Now I can sell the car

1:20:58

if I want and I can

1:21:01

get a car that has a

1:21:03

fixed roof. If I buy a

1:21:05

convertible car, can I then say

1:21:08

after I buy it, I don't

1:21:10

want a convertible car? No. Right.

1:21:12

Now I can sell the car

1:21:15

if I want and I can

1:21:17

get a car that has a

1:21:19

fixed roof. But I can't really

1:21:22

turn the convertible car into a

1:21:24

fixed. roof car. Like once I've,

1:21:26

especially if I've had the chance

1:21:29

to test drive the car for

1:21:31

six months as you did with

1:21:33

your husband, right? So you chose

1:21:35

a guy who's very confident, who's

1:21:38

very aggressive, who's very successful, and

1:21:40

who's older, and that is going

1:21:42

to come with a high sex

1:21:45

drive. It's a lot of partners,

1:21:47

but that's who you chose. And

1:21:49

you knew all of this before

1:21:52

you married him, and you said,

1:21:54

I do. So

1:21:56

I'm trying to

1:21:58

understand why it's

1:22:01

bothering you now,

1:22:03

but it didn't

1:22:05

bother you before

1:22:07

you got married

1:22:10

enough for you

1:22:12

to even slow

1:22:14

things down. Jean.

1:22:16

Um, I said

1:22:18

bothering me now.

1:22:21

Um, I mean.

1:22:28

Why wasn't it bothering me

1:22:30

before we got married? Well

1:22:32

no, it was bothering you,

1:22:34

hang on, it was bothering

1:22:36

you before you got married,

1:22:39

but you still stood up

1:22:41

and say, hang on, but

1:22:43

you still stood up and

1:22:45

said, I do. Yes. So

1:22:47

it wasn't bothering you enough

1:22:49

even to slow down and

1:22:51

say, let's take another couple

1:22:53

of months of being engaged.

1:22:56

Right, you got married in what,

1:22:58

six, six and a half months

1:23:00

after you first started dating? That's

1:23:02

very fast, obviously, right? And so

1:23:04

it didn't bother you enough even

1:23:06

to slow down the courtship. So

1:23:08

again, I'm not saying you're wrong,

1:23:11

I'm just trying to understand why

1:23:13

it bothers you now when you

1:23:15

knew about it for months before

1:23:17

you got married. I'm not saying

1:23:19

you're wrong to be bothered, I

1:23:21

just trying to understand. I

1:23:28

mean, I don't

1:23:30

know him longer.

1:23:33

I know at

1:23:36

the time. I

1:23:38

mean, I got

1:23:41

to know more

1:23:44

and more and

1:23:47

more. And I

1:23:49

mean, I mean,

1:23:52

at the beginning.

1:23:56

It all started only

1:23:58

with a number. Then

1:24:01

with one picture, another picture,

1:24:04

your story, the story, and

1:24:06

more information. Okay, has, did

1:24:08

the number go up after

1:24:10

you got married? No. Okay,

1:24:12

so this is what I'm

1:24:15

saying. You knew all of

1:24:17

this before you got married?

1:24:19

Yes. Right? Now, if you

1:24:21

chose a guy who was

1:24:23

younger or less successful or

1:24:26

less aggressive, you'd be complaining

1:24:28

probably about not having any

1:24:30

money. That's right. And if

1:24:32

I'm wanting to be a

1:24:34

traditional housewife, take care of

1:24:37

the kids, I need a

1:24:39

man of resources. If you

1:24:41

don't want to grow with

1:24:43

a man, right? Like if

1:24:45

you dated, you're in your

1:24:48

early 20s, right? Yes. So

1:24:50

you took, so hang on,

1:24:52

so you took a shortcut,

1:24:54

which is to say, you'd

1:24:56

have to wait for years,

1:24:59

and then he would get

1:25:01

out of school, he'd try

1:25:03

to get a job, and

1:25:05

then he might have to

1:25:07

bounce around to a couple

1:25:10

of jobs before he found

1:25:12

something that really fit, and

1:25:14

then he'd have to start

1:25:16

growing his income, and so

1:25:18

you took a shortcut, which

1:25:21

is to say... I want

1:25:23

an older man, a man

1:25:25

10 years older than me,

1:25:27

who's very aggressive and very

1:25:29

successful and wealthy. And that

1:25:32

man comes with a past.

1:25:34

A man your own age

1:25:36

doesn't come with much of

1:25:38

a past, but you also

1:25:40

he doesn't come with much

1:25:43

of an income. And you

1:25:45

chose, and I'm not saying

1:25:47

you chose him just for

1:25:49

his money, right? I get

1:25:51

that he's charming and funny

1:25:54

and all that good conversationalist.

1:25:57

So, you decided. to choose

1:25:59

a man for in part

1:26:01

for his money and his

1:26:03

success and his age comes

1:26:05

with a history. I mean

1:26:07

it just does and now

1:26:09

24 is I don't know

1:26:11

what what the hookup culture

1:26:13

is like these days 24

1:26:15

seems high to me but

1:26:17

you know I'm I'm an

1:26:19

old guy right so that's

1:26:22

that's a different I have

1:26:24

a different metric but you

1:26:26

know I mean You knew

1:26:28

that he was a player,

1:26:30

you know, I don't know

1:26:32

if this is the same

1:26:34

in... Yes, I knew that.

1:26:36

Yeah, you knew he was

1:26:38

a player, you knew he

1:26:40

was good with the ladies,

1:26:42

you knew that he was

1:26:44

charming, you knew that he

1:26:46

was the life of the

1:26:48

party, and so on. So

1:26:50

you knew that he'd slept

1:26:52

with women before. So help

1:26:54

me understand, and I'm not

1:26:57

disagreeing with you, I just

1:26:59

trying to understand, do you

1:27:01

think you get all the

1:27:03

money and success and success

1:27:05

and age that he has

1:27:07

at no cost? date younger

1:27:09

guys, right? Yeah, I mean

1:27:11

everything comes of the cost.

1:27:13

I'm sorry? Everything comes with

1:27:15

the cost. Well, there's costs

1:27:17

and benefits. Yeah, and if

1:27:19

all you do is look

1:27:21

at the costs and not

1:27:23

the benefits, then you'll just

1:27:25

make yourself miserable. Yeah, you're

1:27:27

right. Like

1:27:30

when I was younger, I didn't

1:27:32

know exactly what I wanted to

1:27:34

do with my life, now I

1:27:36

do. However, I'm a little creaky

1:27:38

because I'm in my late 50s,

1:27:40

right? So there's pluses and minuses,

1:27:42

to both being young and to

1:27:44

being older. Now if all I

1:27:47

do is I say, ah, you

1:27:49

know, I was I was much

1:27:51

more physically resilient and flexible when

1:27:53

I was younger and this sucks,

1:27:55

right? Then I can just look

1:27:57

at the negatives, or I can

1:27:59

say... Well, I've, I've trained, now

1:28:01

at least I know what I'm

1:28:03

going to be doing with my

1:28:06

life for the rest of my

1:28:08

life, which is a great... comfort

1:28:10

and I know who I'm going

1:28:12

to be spending it with which

1:28:14

is my wife and and all

1:28:16

of that right and so I'm

1:28:18

trying to get you to see

1:28:20

that if you chose a younger

1:28:22

guy you'd be frustrated at being

1:28:25

broke and you'd have to work

1:28:27

for years probably before you had

1:28:29

kids now with this guy you

1:28:31

can have kids if you want

1:28:33

sooner but he comes with a

1:28:35

past that's right and I want

1:28:37

to have kids early okay and

1:28:39

if I would choose a student

1:28:41

I would have probably wait I

1:28:44

don't know five years to well

1:28:46

you might or or you just

1:28:48

have to be you have to

1:28:50

be content with raising your kids

1:28:52

in a very low money environment

1:28:54

right okay so does that help

1:28:56

a little bit with his past

1:28:58

yes it does yeah I think

1:29:00

I made yeah In a sense,

1:29:03

and I'm not trying to say

1:29:05

this is just financial, but in

1:29:07

a sense, you're being well paid

1:29:09

for him having a past. And

1:29:11

if all you do is look

1:29:13

at the cost, but not the

1:29:15

pay, that's going to be a

1:29:17

problem for you. And for him,

1:29:19

right? Yeah. I should be more

1:29:22

thankful for the benefits that he

1:29:24

brings. Well, you have to weigh

1:29:26

the benefits, right? I

1:29:28

mean, I can say, gee,

1:29:30

I wish I'd met my

1:29:32

wife when I was much

1:29:34

younger, but at the same

1:29:36

time, I was not really

1:29:38

a great boyfriend when I

1:29:40

was younger in some ways,

1:29:43

right? So, there was cost,

1:29:45

there's benefits to meeting her

1:29:47

later in life, and there

1:29:49

are negatives to meeting her

1:29:51

late in the life, which

1:29:53

is I get to spend

1:29:55

less time with her, but

1:29:57

there are positives in that

1:29:59

I was more constituted for

1:30:01

a mature relationship. So, so,

1:30:03

yeah, I just want to

1:30:05

give you those. Those cost

1:30:08

benefits because if all you

1:30:10

do is look at the

1:30:12

cost you will always have

1:30:14

a reason to complaint. Now

1:30:16

his sexual past is it

1:30:18

like a rising unbidden in

1:30:20

your mind is it like

1:30:22

haunting you is it torturing

1:30:24

you I mean how is

1:30:26

it occurring for you his

1:30:28

sexual past? I mean different

1:30:30

because sometimes I I mean,

1:30:33

once I found some things

1:30:35

of another woman in their

1:30:37

apartment, then I have, I

1:30:39

mean, then I will imagine

1:30:41

things that you told me

1:30:43

that happened and... Okay, so

1:30:45

sorry, what did he tell

1:30:47

you that happened? I mean,

1:30:49

is it I dated a

1:30:51

girl or was it like

1:30:53

graphic details? No,

1:30:56

I mean, for example,

1:30:58

I mean, when he

1:31:00

told me the stuff

1:31:02

about Emma or about

1:31:04

some other women, I

1:31:06

would just imagine how

1:31:09

those things happened in

1:31:11

the apartment. I mean,

1:31:13

I will, for example,

1:31:15

I don't know, make

1:31:17

the laundry look at

1:31:19

the bed and... Maybe

1:31:22

have a bad day

1:31:24

and... Oh, you picture

1:31:26

him with the other

1:31:28

women on the bed?

1:31:30

Is that right? Yeah,

1:31:32

yeah. Well, why don't

1:31:35

you guys move? I

1:31:37

mean, it's not fresh?

1:31:39

I don't know if

1:31:41

only in your apartment

1:31:43

would fix that... Well,

1:31:45

it would help. Are

1:31:48

you sleeping in the

1:31:50

bed in which he

1:31:52

slept with other women?

1:31:56

Yes. Well, at least get

1:31:58

a new bed. But

1:32:02

yeah I don't know I

1:32:05

mean I was a virgin

1:32:07

when I met and sex

1:32:09

was always a very special

1:32:12

thing for me and I

1:32:14

don't know sometimes I would

1:32:16

just I would just think

1:32:19

yeah the same thing why

1:32:21

we had any sex that

1:32:23

you are doing with me

1:32:26

right now you did with

1:32:28

every other woman and yes

1:32:30

but you have to listen.

1:32:33

You married a guy with

1:32:35

a sexual history, you have

1:32:37

to discipline yourself about that.

1:32:40

Okay. I mean, this is

1:32:42

that, it is a matter

1:32:44

of discipline, which is you

1:32:47

have to push that stuff

1:32:49

out of your mind. I

1:32:51

mean, it's going to, it's

1:32:54

going to, I mean, it's

1:32:56

already harming your marriage, right?

1:32:58

It's very hard if you

1:33:01

know that in the garage

1:33:03

is a two meter big

1:33:05

picture of his ex and

1:33:08

a calendar with 12 naked

1:33:10

photos of her phone. Yeah,

1:33:12

so he's got naked photos

1:33:15

of his ex in his

1:33:17

garage. I mean, this is

1:33:19

stuff that he is, this

1:33:22

is staff that was laying

1:33:24

a couple of years. Some

1:33:26

were in the apartment and

1:33:29

I mean, okay, sorry. I

1:33:31

don't want to I don't

1:33:33

need a long story. I

1:33:36

just want to make sure

1:33:38

I understood this correctly. He's

1:33:40

got naked pictures of his

1:33:43

ex in his garage. Yes.

1:33:45

Okay, well, throw that shit

1:33:47

out. He doesn't want it.

1:33:50

He doesn't want to throw

1:33:52

it out? Yes. Okay, he's

1:33:54

got to throw it out.

1:33:57

But he doesn't want it.

1:33:59

And then I say, yeah,

1:34:01

I want to send him.

1:34:04

A search of territory. Pea

1:34:06

around the bed. if you

1:34:08

have to I don't care.

1:34:11

But you can't you can't

1:34:13

have naked pictures of X's

1:34:15

around. Come on. Yeah I

1:34:18

mean I will never go

1:34:20

to the garage because it

1:34:22

wasn't a cellar but I

1:34:25

oh yeah I I've yeah

1:34:27

it was so that I've

1:34:29

thrown it out but he

1:34:32

found it and then Put

1:34:34

it in the garage. I'm

1:34:36

sorry, do they not have

1:34:39

matches in Germany anymore? What

1:34:41

do you mean? Fire! Fire!

1:34:43

Burn it! Get a barrel!

1:34:46

Set fire to it, barbecue

1:34:48

it! I, you know, it's

1:34:50

something visible from space if

1:34:53

you have to. It's going

1:34:55

to be pretty tough to

1:34:57

put it together from ashes,

1:35:00

isn't it? You know, I

1:35:02

thought about that... But I

1:35:04

mean, it would be out

1:35:07

of rage and I mean,

1:35:09

it's one of the sins

1:35:11

to act ragefully, attack us.

1:35:14

Well, you know, I mean,

1:35:16

isn't it also a sin

1:35:18

to have sex before marriage,

1:35:21

you managed to get past

1:35:23

that one, right? Okay,

1:35:25

so I mean, is he like

1:35:28

a sex addict or something or

1:35:30

why do you think he's keeping,

1:35:32

I mean it's very disrespectful to

1:35:35

you in my opinion to keep

1:35:37

naked pictures of his ex around?

1:35:39

Yes. So is he like a

1:35:42

sex addict or what do you

1:35:44

think is going on? I mean,

1:35:46

there's a, if you would ask

1:35:49

people on the street they would

1:35:51

say, yeah, those are the good

1:35:54

made pictures. But there's still the

1:35:56

X on the big shows and

1:35:58

I know that. I

1:36:01

mean he will say

1:36:03

yeah they are pretty

1:36:05

I will not throw

1:36:07

them out. Okay. All

1:36:10

right so I'm not

1:36:12

sure what to say

1:36:14

about that other than

1:36:16

it's kind of incomprehensible

1:36:19

to me but maybe

1:36:21

this is a new

1:36:23

generation right? Okay and

1:36:25

is there anything else

1:36:27

that is about his

1:36:30

past that is triggering

1:36:32

responses in you? Nothing

1:36:34

else. No. Okay. No.

1:36:36

And so why do

1:36:39

you think that... Sorry.

1:36:41

One thing, but I

1:36:43

mean, I talked with

1:36:45

Dieter about that. I

1:36:47

mean, I knew, for

1:36:50

example, that he was

1:36:52

very crazy about his

1:36:54

ex and... At the

1:36:56

beginning of us, when

1:36:58

we started to have

1:37:01

sex, I thought that

1:37:03

I would be the

1:37:05

one that would hide.

1:37:07

But yes, I was

1:37:10

the end of the

1:37:12

one that was chasing

1:37:14

the man and I

1:37:16

just didn't. I just

1:37:18

thought that with this

1:37:21

this was weird because

1:37:23

with his ex he

1:37:25

was very crazy with

1:37:27

her and so on

1:37:30

and sorry how do

1:37:32

you know he was

1:37:34

crazy this is the

1:37:36

six-year relationship how do

1:37:38

you know that he

1:37:41

was crazy with her

1:37:43