0:00

I believe is I'm here to

0:02

help uplevel someone's consciousness. So this

0:04

poem... about self love is called

0:06

you are who you've been looking

0:09

for, triggered the deepest depression I'd

0:11

ever experienced in my life, a

0:13

suicidal depression. Meet Adam Roa, an

0:16

internationally celebrated spoken word artist, transformational

0:18

coach, and known for his viral

0:20

quote, you are who you've been

0:23

looking for. He is the creator

0:25

of Creative Path podcast, and his

0:27

documentary series, the art of choosing

0:30

love offers a deep dive into

0:32

conscious liver. You ultimately called in...

0:34

a million dollar coaching client. I

0:36

have 100% certainty that the right

0:38

person taking my offer will have

0:41

incredible results. What mail in your

0:43

life, a father or a father

0:45

figure, showed you what self-love look

0:47

like? Ah, that's a really great

0:49

question. I've never been asked that

0:51

before. Treat yourself like someone you

0:54

love. I don't think I've ever

0:56

really loved myself. Dude, I want

0:58

to start crying right now. It

1:06

feels good to be here with you.

1:09

Yeah, likewise, man. I'm glad we can

1:11

make it happen. Two questions. One,

1:13

would you share some spoken word

1:15

with us, is one question. And

1:17

two, I want to get to

1:20

this topic of self-love, because

1:22

I think that what we're weaving together

1:24

so far, this idea of dance

1:26

and this idea of what holds

1:28

us back, is the perfect setup.

1:30

to talking about sharing our gifts

1:32

with the world and learning to

1:34

love ourselves through that. So do

1:36

we want to start with the exploration

1:38

of self-love and then go into

1:40

some a poem or do we want to

1:43

start with a poem? Oh I don't know man

1:45

you're the host you tell me what feels true

1:47

we can we can we can let's

1:49

start with the spoken word okay

1:51

and specifically the one around self-love

1:54

I think so yeah okay got it so this

1:56

poem about self-love is called you are

1:58

who you been looking for and yeah,

2:00

I just invite everyone where

2:02

you are to receive this

2:05

as a transmission and gift

2:07

and allow it to give

2:09

you permission to love yourself

2:11

a little bit more, you

2:13

know, in this moment. And

2:15

if you can stop and

2:17

be really present for it,

2:20

that's great. If you're driving,

2:22

keep your eyes open and

2:24

take a nice deep inhale

2:26

with me. And exhale. You

2:31

are who you've been looking for. So

2:33

stop looking for more unless you're looking

2:35

in a mirror because it's about time

2:38

for you to see clearly that you

2:40

are who you've been looking for. And

2:42

that empty feeling you got, that hole

2:44

in your chest, you only got that

2:47

feeling because you think you're not blessed

2:49

with everything you need. You see, we

2:51

live in a consumerist society which means

2:53

they need you to buy stuff. And

2:56

the easiest way to sell it is

2:58

to tell you you you're not enough.

3:00

Buy this car, you'll get girls. By

3:02

this bra, you'll get guys. And we're

3:05

seeing it so much that we start

3:07

believing these lies, but the truth is,

3:09

the makeup they're selling to make you

3:11

feel prettier is the same makeup you

3:14

buy to stop feeling shittier about this

3:16

lie. They keep telling you that you

3:18

are not enough. And what about the

3:20

movies we watch? All the shows on

3:23

TV. The more I watch, the more

3:25

I see, I need you to complete

3:27

me. And yes, love is the answer.

3:29

Love is the key, but if you

3:32

can love yourself. How can you ever

3:34

love me. And loving yourself, what does

3:36

that even mean? Like, massages and selfies

3:38

and that sort of thing? Because the

3:41

more I think about it, the more

3:43

it feels weird. I've always thought self-love

3:45

was something to be feared. I've been

3:47

taught that arrogance is bad and vanity.

3:50

It's not good. And even my bracelets

3:52

are telling me to act how Jesus

3:54

would. So, what should I do? How

3:56

should I act? I'm supposed to love

3:59

myself, but how do I even do

4:01

that? She'd say, I'm so dumb, and

4:03

I'd say you're so brilliant. She'd say,

4:05

I'm so weak, and I'd say, you're

4:08

so resilient. And when she said, I

4:10

feel ugly, and I said, you look

4:12

beautiful, she asked me why I was

4:14

so dutifully filling up her cup constantly,

4:17

and yet treating my own cup so

4:19

irresponsibly. Because when I looked in the

4:21

mirror, my voice was quite clear. You're

4:23

ugly, you're too thin, your hairline's receding,

4:26

and you got a pimple your self

4:28

like someone you love. Treat

4:30

yourself like someone you love. And now

4:32

I had been standing but I needed

4:34

to be sitting because I couldn't believe

4:36

that I had been letting myself keep

4:38

forgetting that I was who I'd been

4:41

looking for. And deep in my core

4:43

I knew it was time to stop

4:45

looking for more until I could look

4:47

through all my fear and look into

4:49

a mirror and see clearly that the

4:51

man looking back at me is the

4:53

only one who can make me happy

4:55

and I am already enough. And

4:57

I'm not any more special or unique

4:59

than you, that's why I'm here to

5:01

speak to you. You are already enough.

5:04

And when you start to see that,

5:06

you will start to be that. Your

5:08

world will get brighter, your load will

5:10

get lighter, and you can see that

5:12

with life. You can be a lover,

5:15

not a fighter, and that life, you

5:17

deserve it. Because you are worth it.

5:19

And so there's no point in letting

5:21

yourself keep forgetting, because no matter what

5:24

you say or do, you are perfect.

5:26

And so today I hope I

5:29

leave you with a direction correction

5:31

away from the flaws you see

5:34

in your reflection. They aren't flaws

5:36

to me. They are simply protection

5:38

against all the doubts you have

5:41

of your perfection. So start today.

5:43

Take a good long look in

5:46

the mirror and say, I am

5:48

who I've been looking for. It's

5:50

so good. I just really went

5:53

off. honor you for that man.

5:55

Just really grateful that you put

5:58

that together and that you shared

6:00

it with the world man. It's

6:02

so good. It's one of those

6:05

poems I wish my kids will

6:07

hear you know and they'll let

6:10

them let it affect their lives

6:12

in such a powerful way. That

6:14

was my favorite thing so that

6:17

poem went viral for people who

6:19

don't know you already been looking

6:21

for is the most viral live

6:24

poetry performance in history. It's been

6:26

viewed over 250 million times in

6:29

counting and it The best thing about

6:31

it was I got so many

6:33

messages from people and it was

6:35

intergenerational. People were going, my mom sent

6:38

this to me, it's so amazing. I had

6:40

people saying, I sent this to my brother,

6:42

I sent this to my grandma, she

6:44

loves poetry. And it was just this

6:46

thing where it didn't seem to matter

6:48

the age, it didn't matter the gender

6:50

or the race or the religion. It

6:52

was just something that everyone was like,

6:55

like, yes, I can get on board

6:57

with that. And to know that. a

6:59

father would send it to their daughter

7:01

and a daughter would send it to

7:03

their mom that was just really

7:05

special for me. How did it

7:07

change your life? Well, it went

7:09

viral. It did 40 million views

7:12

in 48 hours. And suddenly I was

7:14

getting all these invitations, right,

7:16

to speak at the Human

7:18

Rights Foundation and Mind Valley

7:20

and all of these things.

7:23

And simultaneously, that poem going

7:25

viral triggered the deepest depression

7:27

I'd ever... experienced in my

7:30

life. Yeah, I had, you can imagine

7:32

40 million views in 48

7:34

hours, right? The number of messages that

7:37

were coming in for months and months

7:39

and months was insane. And 90% of

7:41

them were very loving just thank yous.

7:43

Thank you so much. Were you trying

7:45

to get you all of them? Were

7:47

you trying to consume? So at the

7:49

time, I didn't have a social media,

7:52

I had less than 5,000 followers on

7:54

my Instagram, and so I answered every

7:56

comment, every, every DM, everything at the

7:58

time. I didn't have it. And so

8:00

these messages were coming in and

8:02

I was trying to keep up.

8:04

And I was seeing a lot

8:06

of them, all of them, and

8:08

I was working my way through

8:10

them. And again, nine out of

8:12

ten, thank you, I love this,

8:14

this means so much to me, made

8:16

me cry, etc. But 10%

8:19

of them were messages from

8:21

people who needed help. People

8:23

saying, I'm suicidal, I've

8:25

been thinking about killing

8:28

myself. People saying I'm

8:30

my husband abuses me or

8:32

my dad abuses me. I

8:34

don't know what to do.

8:36

Can you help me? And I

8:38

Had no way to help them at

8:41

the time. The only thing I

8:43

was doing was one-on-one coaching

8:45

and then my art and

8:47

I can't one-on-one coach

8:50

all these people. I had no

8:52

e-book. I had no course I

8:54

had no anything to offer

8:56

to offer to these people to

8:59

help them. And I also realized

9:01

I didn't have a real answer.

9:03

They were asking me, I don't know

9:05

how to love myself and I was

9:07

going, well, it's in the poem, treat

9:09

yourself like someone you love,

9:12

but still that's a concept.

9:14

So the practical, what do

9:16

you do on a daily basis? What

9:18

does that look like? I didn't know

9:20

how to answer them. And so

9:22

suddenly I felt like a major fraud.

9:25

And I went into deep imposter syndrome.

9:27

I felt that all of these people

9:29

who were messaging me for help, some

9:31

of them suicidal, I said, they may

9:34

kill themselves because I can't help them.

9:36

I stopped being able to keep up

9:38

with all the messages. So now I

9:40

was going, I don't even, I'm missing

9:43

messages from people that need help that

9:45

I don't even know. And it

9:47

dropped me into a really dark

9:49

depression, a suicidal depression. And

9:51

while I was in that, I, at one point

9:53

in time, basically had to make

9:55

this decision, right? And we could go

9:57

into all the different things I did.

10:00

ultimately, but I said,

10:02

I believe that the answer is

10:04

self-love. I do. And so

10:06

even though I'm deeply depressed

10:08

and I don't know what

10:10

that necessarily looks like, I

10:13

do believe the answer is

10:15

self-love. So the solution is

10:17

I need to love myself more.

10:19

What does that look like?

10:22

And that inquiry had me

10:24

almost simplified into what are

10:26

what are all of the...

10:28

things that I know,

10:31

the activities that I

10:33

know, that feel loving,

10:35

or I'm told are loving.

10:38

And how do I just

10:40

do more of them? And

10:43

I started taking

10:45

baths. I started dancing

10:48

on my own. I

10:50

started, I really doubled

10:53

down on my journaling practice.

10:56

exercise, going running, I hate

10:58

running, and yet I knew

11:01

that running would release, like

11:03

cardio releases things, that weightlifting

11:06

won't. So all of these

11:08

aspects, changing my eating, etc.

11:10

Yes, I started also working

11:13

with therapists and doing these

11:15

things as well, but at one

11:17

point I made a commitment to

11:19

myself, I will not turn my phone

11:21

on, because this is where this came

11:23

from, I thought that I was toxic.

11:26

I felt as though what I was going

11:28

through was really toxic. It was

11:30

a really dark thing. And so

11:32

I said, I will not turn

11:35

my phone on and communicate with

11:37

the outside world on social media

11:39

or anybody until I've at least

11:42

shifted one degree from where I'm

11:44

waking up. And that looked like

11:46

sometimes two to four hours,

11:48

the longest was ever, was

11:51

four hours of straight self-love

11:53

practices. in the morning waking up

11:55

before I even was able to

11:57

turn my phone on. And so

11:59

yeah. Yes, waking up, screaming, crying,

12:01

taking a bath, doing a sauna,

12:04

going for a run, coming back,

12:06

journaling about it, dancing, anything, everything

12:08

that I could think of that

12:11

felt like it was a loving

12:13

act to myself. And that level

12:15

of commitment slowly started to shift

12:18

things for me. And eventually I

12:20

made my way out of that

12:22

depression. And to a place where

12:25

now. I actually don't ever feel

12:27

I will get back into depression.

12:30

I don't have that anymore because

12:32

I understand that depression. I understand

12:34

that if I'm moving in that

12:37

direction, it's because I've stopped loving

12:39

myself. And so that's a long

12:41

story, but just it really that

12:44

poem taught me how to love

12:46

myself. So great. Talk to me

12:48

about your, I don't actually know

12:51

your relationship to your father if

12:53

there is one there or a

12:55

father figure, but the... The core

12:58

of the question is, what male

13:00

in your life, maybe when you

13:02

were a kid, maybe when you're

13:05

an adult, a father or a

13:07

father figure, showed you what self-love

13:09

look like? Did you have an

13:12

example, somebody that you could point

13:14

to and say, man, that's what

13:16

it looks like or that must

13:19

be what it feels like? That's

13:21

a really great question. I've never

13:23

been asked that before. So my

13:26

dad is an immigrant from the

13:28

Philippines. And... The immigrant mentality is

13:30

one of basically I made so

13:33

many sacrifices to give you a

13:35

better life and more opportunity and

13:37

so I came to this country

13:40

with nothing and so you should

13:42

be able to basically cure cancer,

13:44

right? It's that idea and he's

13:47

in the Philippines so there's also

13:49

the Asian culture which is its

13:51

own sort of a thing and

13:54

it also came with physical discipline.

13:56

And so it also came with

13:58

a very stoic. culture where

14:01

by the time I was in

14:03

my early 30s I could list

14:05

on one hand the number of

14:07

times I remembered my dad saying

14:10

I love you. I also never saw

14:12

to this day I've never seen

14:14

romance between my parents.

14:16

They're still married like

14:19

they've been married 48

14:21

years. That aspect I

14:23

can learn a lot

14:25

from making a relationship

14:27

work for 48 years

14:29

and I've never seen

14:31

romance. And so I learned

14:33

work ethic from him.

14:35

I learned sacrifice. My

14:38

love language is acts of

14:40

service in large part

14:42

because I saw that. That

14:44

was his thing. And so

14:46

there's a lot of beauty

14:49

that I gained from

14:51

my father, but I

14:53

definitely wouldn't say it

14:55

was self-love. That was

14:57

self-love. not where

15:00

I got it. And when

15:02

you look at the trajectory

15:04

where at the age of

15:07

33 years old, when this

15:09

poem goes viral, I

15:12

realize I don't know

15:14

how to really love

15:16

myself. Up until

15:18

that point, I didn't

15:20

have someone that taught

15:23

me that. And so when

15:25

it became. something that I

15:28

became aware of, I sought

15:30

out mentorship. I sought out

15:32

mentorship in a lot of

15:35

different places for a lot

15:37

of different aspects and elements.

15:40

And one of the pieces

15:42

that it's not a person

15:44

but a modality that changed

15:47

my life was my art. And

15:49

coming in full circle back to at that

15:51

time. I had been making all of my

15:53

poetry. If you look at my first album,

15:55

so I have two albums on Spotify of

15:58

my poetry. The first one's called Permission. And

16:00

all of those poems are observational

16:02

about what I was seeing in

16:04

the world. So I have one

16:06

called No More War, or Water

16:08

is Life, which I wrote during

16:10

Standing Rock, or Make America Think

16:13

Again. And these pieces, even this

16:15

you are who you've been looking

16:17

for, is sort of observational about

16:19

what's going on in society and

16:21

how we love ourselves. And during

16:23

this window of time, suddenly my

16:25

art became... the place in which

16:27

I needed to process what was

16:29

happening internally before it ate me

16:32

up inside. And so if you

16:34

look at my second album, The

16:36

Journey Back to You, that album

16:38

is all about love and relationships

16:40

and deeply personal about what's happening

16:42

inside myself. And that shift of

16:44

being able to use art to

16:46

process what was happening inside myself

16:48

happened during that window of learning

16:51

how to love myself. Fellas, if

16:53

you're like me and you're serious

16:55

about leveling up as a dad,

16:57

well I've got something for you,

16:59

it's called our brotherhood experience. It's

17:01

a no cost, no commitment way

17:03

to see what Front Road dads

17:05

is all about. and where you'll

17:07

get a chance to connect with

17:10

other guys like you who are

17:12

focused on being family men with

17:14

businesses instead of businessmen with families.

17:16

Through the experience you get a

17:18

deep dive into our core values,

17:20

what drives our community, and who

17:22

this brotherhood is truly for. And

17:24

trust me by the end you'll

17:26

know exactly if this is your

17:29

tribe or not. If you're ready

17:31

to give it a shot head

17:33

on over to Front Roadads.com slash.com

17:35

slash.com slash. experience. Now let's get

17:37

back to the show. How would

17:39

you teach your kids about self-love?

17:41

How would you model it? How

17:43

would you talk about it? What

17:45

would it look like to try

17:48

to carry this into their lives?

17:50

Well, what I will say to

17:52

that is I plan on doing

17:54

massive amounts of study of parenting

17:56

when I get to that stage.

17:58

And so my answer may change

18:00

as someone who's not a parent.

18:02

But right now... I think the

18:04

most the most important aspect of

18:07

self-love is developing a relationship with

18:09

yourself. Totally. People think of self-love

18:11

and this is where this is

18:13

the learning that really was a

18:15

hard one for me and and

18:17

why I couldn't I didn't have

18:19

an answer for people at the

18:21

time which is me included and

18:23

all these people reaching out. saw

18:26

self-love as either something you have

18:28

or you don't, like a light

18:30

switch. It's either on or it's

18:32

off, and they go, I don't

18:34

love myself. And that's actually not

18:36

true. That's not how self-love works.

18:38

Self-love is the byproduct of your

18:40

relationship with yourself. And so think

18:42

about your wife, for example, right?

18:45

Your love is, and if you're

18:47

gonna measure it on a scale

18:49

of zero to 100. will be

18:51

a byproduct of the relationship that

18:53

you have. And if you take

18:55

that relationship for granted, that number

18:57

is gonna go down. And if

18:59

you nurture that relationship, that number

19:01

is gonna go up. And the

19:04

same thing is true with our

19:06

relationships with ourselves. And so I'm

19:08

sure on this podcast, you've talked

19:10

about the love languages before the

19:12

five love languages, right? So we

19:14

have acts of service, gifts, quality

19:16

time, words of affirmation, and physical

19:18

touch. There's more than that, but

19:20

those five simple ones. and just

19:23

think about your relationship to yourself

19:25

through that lens and going, okay,

19:27

do I spend quality time with

19:29

myself? And most people when they're

19:31

alone are scrolling social media, they're

19:33

watching Netflix or sports or whatever,

19:35

and that's all great and well

19:37

and good, but that's not quality

19:39

time. Similarly, if you were hanging

19:42

out with your wife and say,

19:44

hey, let's have a date, and

19:46

then you spent all your time

19:48

on your cell phone, that's not

19:50

quality time. In fact, that's more

19:52

damaging. And so there's that, physical

19:54

touch. When's the last time you've

19:56

actually treated your body to like

19:58

a solid stretch? What does that

20:00

look like? For you to spend

20:03

30 minutes, just you and your

20:05

body, not following some routine, but

20:07

I'm just gonna move my body

20:09

and stretch it in ways that feel

20:12

good. That's physical touch. And

20:14

so your level of self-love

20:16

will be directly correlated to that

20:18

relationship you have with yourself. And

20:21

so I would teach my kids

20:23

that first and foremost, and then

20:25

I would help them. develop

20:28

their relationship with themselves. I

20:30

would help them understand how

20:33

to ask really deep questions

20:35

to themselves. Most people want

20:37

their body and their mind to

20:40

just do whatever they say without

20:42

thinking of it as a relationship

20:44

and going, do you actually

20:46

know how to listen to yourself?

20:49

Do you know what your body,

20:51

because depression, depression is the result

20:53

of suppression. So I suppressed what

20:56

my body was saying for years

20:58

and years and years and years

21:01

and then that led to depression.

21:03

Had I been able to listen

21:05

to what I was saying, I

21:08

would have been able to prevent

21:10

myself from heading down in

21:13

that road. Dude, I want to

21:15

start crying right now. I swear

21:17

to God. This is so important.

21:20

This is so important.

21:22

And I'm actually, I'm

21:24

hearing you. Oh, I know, I'm

21:26

feeling this. because of like my

21:29

journey. Like I'm seeing myself and

21:31

all of what you're saying. I'm

21:33

feeling what I have felt. I

21:35

think about all the times that

21:37

I was numbing myself. I think

21:39

about the questions that have led

21:41

me to where I am right

21:43

now, by the way, which is

21:46

like, I really love myself right

21:48

now. Congratulations. Thank you, man. And

21:50

that's having such a profound impact

21:52

in my marriage, such a profound

21:54

impact with my children. And how

21:56

old are you? 48 years.

22:00

Just happened. Amazing. Amazing. And it's been

22:02

such a journey to get to this

22:04

point. And I've had like bright lights

22:06

and you know I've been playing in

22:08

the plant medicine space for years and

22:11

I've had coaches for years and I

22:13

stepped into the personal growth world hard

22:15

in my 20s. You know, investing tens

22:17

of thousands of dollars in my 20s.

22:20

Going to Tony Robbins events, you know,

22:22

just anything I could get my hands

22:24

on. Just devouring books, learning psychology like

22:26

I have been on the path. And

22:28

honestly, nothing. has held a candle

22:31

to ultimate like connection to spirit

22:33

and love. There has nothing. And

22:35

then I say that and I realize I

22:38

don't think I would have gotten to

22:40

that point. to say that had it

22:42

not been for all those things, all

22:44

the at-bats that didn't necessarily work, and

22:46

all the things that took me out

22:48

of consciousness, and out of alignment, and

22:51

out of attunement, all the ways I

22:53

numbed myself with alcohol for years, and

22:55

you know, and Netflix, and all the

22:57

things that I would just, and blame,

22:59

and wishing my wife would change, please

23:02

change yourself so that I can love

23:04

myself better. It's like, that's the... And

23:06

when I look back now, I'm like, wow, she

23:08

really hung in there, hung in there. through a

23:10

lot of the challenging things that I did and

23:12

said. But yet here we are. And I'm so

23:15

appreciative to be in this moment. And I

23:17

was thinking, I brought up how earlier and

23:19

we were at Front Roadad's Live, which is

23:21

our big event in December here in Austin.

23:24

And he stood up, he was in the

23:26

crowd and we did a breathwork session that

23:28

Stephanus led us through. And Hal stood up

23:30

and he's tears in his eyes and he's just

23:32

like, I've, I don't think I've ever really

23:35

loved really loved myself. And he had

23:37

this epiphany. until now until this moment

23:39

and again here's a man in his 40s

23:41

who's wildly accomplished who's stood on stages all

23:44

over the world and said in the audience

23:46

you know I don't know that I've ever

23:48

really really loved myself and then even I

23:50

mean it's just I have literally hundreds of

23:52

stories that back all this up and it's

23:55

just awesome to hear you talking about this

23:57

in fact when I was taking the deep

23:59

dive and Adam's life, you know,

24:01

and learning all about you.

24:04

And we had been at

24:06

the same parties in the

24:08

same places, and I knew

24:10

who you were, I know

24:13

your friends, but I was

24:15

really leaning in, and I

24:17

was so impressed by who

24:19

you've developed yourself to be.

24:22

And I think that honestly,

24:24

when I first met you,

24:26

I was probably like in

24:28

judgment of you or intimidated

24:31

by you in a way,

24:33

or hesitant to lean into

24:35

you in a way. Probably

24:37

because you embodied some of

24:40

the things that I wish

24:42

I had. And I just,

24:44

so I want to tell

24:46

you that. I don't feel

24:49

that way anymore. I just

24:51

feel a lot of love

24:53

for you and adoration and

24:55

respect for what you've... who

24:57

you've become truly. And the

25:00

more that I lean in,

25:02

the more it feels that

25:04

way. Even our podcast director

25:06

was like, I sent him

25:09

your link and I'm like,

25:11

check this guy out and

25:13

he's like, dude, the more

25:15

I'm listening, the more I

25:18

love him. And I said,

25:20

I think that's probably a

25:22

feeling that a lot of

25:24

people have. Thank you, bro.

25:27

That's a lot. I appreciate

25:29

that. Just because... I don't

25:31

I don't know the amount

25:33

of work that it took

25:36

the amount of work that

25:38

it took people I've tried

25:40

to share very vulnerability and

25:42

authentically throughout the whole journey

25:45

I have a YouTube reality

25:47

show called the art of

25:49

choosing love that I made

25:51

during that time of depression

25:54

it's my breakdowns and all

25:56

of this stuff, my poetry

25:58

is deeply personal and I

26:00

share in that way. And

26:03

yet, even with all that

26:05

I share, the tear-filled nights

26:07

contemplating suicide. the consistent times

26:09

of feeling as though it's

26:12

never gonna be enough. The

26:14

fear that no matter what

26:16

I do, I will always

26:18

have this demon that just

26:21

is here, talking and talking

26:23

and trying to suck me

26:25

back in. Yeah,

26:28

the amount of work and I

26:30

think why I'm getting emotional around

26:32

this is because I love myself

26:34

I really do and I also

26:36

know That It's still a journey

26:39

It's not as though it's just

26:41

we it's sometimes easier to think

26:43

about it in relationship to someone

26:45

else but it's it's I love

26:47

my wife you love your wife

26:50

and there are days you just

26:52

want to throw her out a

26:54

window you know like that that

26:56

happens to well document and so

26:58

similarly I love myself I'm so

27:00

grateful for my life and there

27:03

are there are days still where

27:05

I look at I mean we're

27:07

in Austin versus we have a

27:09

lot of mutual friends and I

27:11

look at what some of these

27:14

guys have done and I'm going

27:16

wow I have the most viral

27:18

poem in history and I haven't

27:20

done that I haven't turned it

27:22

into this or that. Wow, I

27:24

really wasted this, or I judge

27:27

myself for this, or the number

27:29

of people who want to partner

27:31

with me and say, yo, what

27:33

do you want to sell? That's

27:35

the question. What is your offer

27:38

that you're selling? And if you

27:40

look at all the different things

27:42

I've done over the years, even

27:44

right now, you wouldn't necessarily know

27:46

what it is that I'm selling.

27:49

Based on this conversation, you would

27:51

think, oh, you probably should sell

27:53

something about self-love course. Yeah, that

27:55

might make sense. But I'm simultaneously,

27:57

the part of me that loves

27:59

the fact that I'm just opened.

28:02

to surrender into the flow of

28:04

where it goes and the part

28:06

that can judge and they can

28:08

shame and guilt and blame and

28:10

I'm still very human and so

28:13

I really appreciate the reflection and

28:15

I just want people to

28:17

hear that even someone you

28:19

may now really respect more

28:21

and more and more still has

28:24

that side that is to me

28:26

very human. It's very human

28:28

to have that. When that comes

28:31

up, do you take

28:33

yourself for a walk?

28:35

Do you have somebody

28:37

you call? Depends

28:39

how big it comes up.

28:42

You know, one of the

28:44

things that I've been becoming

28:47

more attuned to over

28:49

the years is I

28:51

was in a 10-year

28:53

relationship from 23 to

28:55

33. I'm 39 now. When

28:57

that relationship ended, what I learned was

29:00

that I didn't know how to love

29:02

myself. I didn't know how to hold

29:04

my own heart. So I had

29:06

basically said, here, hold this. I don't

29:08

know how to hold this. I don't

29:11

know what to do with this. Please

29:13

hold it. And I found someone who

29:15

for the first time in my life,

29:17

I felt safe enough to give my

29:19

heart to. But when she was no

29:21

longer holding it, and it was

29:23

back in my hands, I had

29:25

no idea what to do

29:27

with it. And so I'm

29:30

sometimes careful because

29:32

during those 10 years

29:34

and following that, I

29:36

still had my tendency to

29:38

look outside myself for

29:41

the answer for when

29:43

I was having a bad day

29:45

or when I was going

29:47

through a tough time or

29:49

had a question I couldn't

29:52

solve. And there's a

29:54

balance. You know, and I have people

29:56

that I call in those moments and

29:58

I encourage people don't. and silence, don't

30:01

do it on your own. But

30:03

also, I'm paying a lot of

30:05

attention to when, oh, this is

30:07

one of those nights where I

30:09

feel super lonely, and the reason

30:11

why I wanna call a friend

30:13

right now is just because I

30:15

feel uncomfortable in the loneliness, and

30:17

the actual thing that's needed is

30:20

for me to be with myself

30:22

in the loneliness, and that's what's

30:24

actually needed here. And so yeah,

30:26

I dance. And I also will

30:28

say that I have, I have,

30:30

I work with a lot of

30:32

mentors and I have a coach,

30:34

I also have a spiritual advisor.

30:36

And so like I am getting

30:38

support too. Yeah. Interestingly that you

30:41

bring this up about like, can

30:43

you hold your own heart when

30:45

I saw you at a mutual

30:47

friend's house one time? That was

30:49

a moment, that was a gathering

30:51

that I had a feeling of

30:53

like, oh, I want, like I

30:55

want a hug from Tatiana right

30:57

now. And then I thought, wait

31:00

a minute, like, can I, can

31:02

I get me? You know, and

31:04

I just put my hand on

31:06

my heart for a moment. And

31:08

I was like, let me just,

31:10

let me just get you, John,

31:12

right? Like, you may not even

31:14

need a hug from Tatiana. And

31:16

I think that sometimes that's my.

31:19

my go-to in a social situation

31:21

where I'm like, I don't know

31:23

who to go talk to, I

31:25

don't know what to do next,

31:27

I'm gonna go hug my wife,

31:29

like my home base. And I

31:31

don't think there's anything wrong with

31:33

that, but it was wild for

31:35

me. There's the first time I

31:38

ever just put my hand on

31:40

my heart and I'm like, well,

31:42

wait a minute, I can get

31:44

myself right now. And just hold

31:46

my own heart for a moment.

31:48

is truly from a place of

31:50

I really want this thing. It

31:52

adds so much value to my

31:54

life. Whereas when it's a need,

31:56

because you can't, you can't do

31:59

that for yourself, you're now down

32:01

a path of codependency, you're down

32:03

a path of toxicity, you're down

32:05

a path where you almost lose

32:07

the ability to be truly authentic

32:09

with each other in relationship. Because

32:11

the fear of what happens if

32:13

this person leaves becomes so all

32:15

encompassing that there are aspects of

32:18

you that you now need to

32:20

potentially hide or put away or

32:22

not say the truth that you're

32:24

actually feeling. And I relate that

32:26

as coaches. Right? The coach who

32:28

needs the client in order to

32:30

pay their rent can't actually show

32:32

up in full coaching power because

32:34

sometimes you have to say shit

32:37

that might make that client want

32:39

to quit. You could lose a

32:41

client because you revealed a truth

32:43

so hard for them to take

32:45

that they're just a no. But

32:47

that is what's needed to be

32:49

like to really show up. And

32:51

so when we, it's just a

32:53

kind of analogy to help people

32:55

see that the needs you put

32:58

on your partner can actually take

33:00

you out of your ability to

33:02

show up as powerfully as you

33:04

could. Yeah, big time. But thank

33:06

you, man. You've said so much,

33:08

and I really appreciate you being

33:10

here, sharing your heart with us.

33:12

Anything else you want to say

33:14

before we go? Oh, well, first

33:17

of all, thank you for having

33:19

me on. It's been great conversation.

33:21

And yeah, I appreciate what you're

33:23

doing. obviously let up so much

33:25

talking about being a dad and

33:27

I think that dad's listening to

33:29

this in an effort to become

33:31

better men is so needed and

33:33

so awesome and I look forward

33:36

I know we've talked about potentially

33:38

collaborate on some things in the

33:40

future I'm excited about that and

33:42

the one final thing that I

33:44

would say to people is that

33:46

it's possible. You know, it's I

33:48

wasn't born into money. I wasn't

33:50

born into emotional intelligence. I wasn't

33:52

born into any of this stuff

33:54

and It's possible for you. It's

33:57

possible for anyone who's

33:59

willing to walk

34:01

through the initiatory gauntlet

34:03

that it will require, it

34:05

will require, but

34:07

if you're willing

34:09

to do that,

34:12

it's possible. And you you may

34:14

need community to do that.

34:16

I did. You may need

34:18

help, but but that's fine. it. Go

34:20

get it. let Don't let that stop

34:22

you. Thanks for listening today, and If

34:24

you got value this episode, I ask

34:26

that you take one second you take

34:29

now right you share this with another

34:31

dad in your life that you respect

34:33

you know is committed to becoming a

34:35

better man, to family man, and family

34:37

And on that note, I want to

34:39

honor you for choosing growth. Your

34:41

family will thank you you from now

34:43

for all the effort that you're putting

34:45

in to learn the learn the you

34:47

can show up more fully for them

34:49

today. for Take care. Take care.