0:01

Hey everybody, it's Jonathan Van Ness

0:03

and welcome back to getting better. Ah, what

0:05

is manifestation? How does it work? Is it

0:07

really a thing that can make us change

0:09

our lives and change the way that we

0:12

interact with each other? We have the best

0:14

person ever, like no offense to anyone else

0:16

who's into manifesting, but we have like a

0:18

really gorgeous guest to talk about this today.

0:21

The one and only Gabriel Bernstein! You

0:23

probably know her from The Universe Has Your

0:25

Back, I'm obsessed with that title. Super Attractor

0:27

or her latest book, self-help, this is your

0:30

chance to change your life. Which we definitely

0:32

have to talk about because we were talking

0:34

about a little bit before you guys, but

0:36

this one's a really incredible. They all are

0:39

incredible, but you got to get this one.

0:41

Also, this stunning headshot. Queen. I love this.

0:43

Actually, we need to talk about the hair color

0:45

too. I need your hair. You're a little lighter

0:47

than. I know, I used your items. You're going

0:49

to tell me what's up. I'm not have said

0:51

any of it. I think you look so gorgeous

0:53

in all of these variations and all of

0:55

these variations. So, but, but Gabrielle, but

0:58

Gabrielle, welcome. I manifested you.

1:00

Tell me more. So there's... Well, first

1:02

of all, I'm obsessed with you. I

1:04

love you. Your energy is electric.

1:07

It's magnetic. It's a superpower. And

1:09

I want to just thank you

1:11

for your presence in the world.

1:14

So let's start there. And I...

1:16

Many many months ago messaged you on

1:18

Instagram because I was using I used

1:20

JVN I was like obsessed with the

1:22

product as you can tell I'm like

1:24

a 45 year old woman with like

1:26

real man like I've got good hair

1:28

right? And I work it like I

1:30

work this hair and so JVN is

1:32

in my is in my hair my

1:34

hair repertoire. Okay, so that's big news.

1:36

But then I did this thing with

1:38

my team recently where we kind of

1:40

made a little bit of a U-turn

1:42

and we're like, okay, we, I want

1:44

to be teaching more on other people's shows.

1:46

I have my own podcast, but I want

1:49

to be teaching more on other people's shows.

1:51

We made this list of sort of like

1:53

our top five to eight shows that we

1:55

want to be on because it's more about

1:57

who do I feel aligned with, what feels

1:59

like the right... step forward and what's the

2:01

audience I want to be talking like

2:03

who's a resident audience. Okay honey

2:05

you're on that list maybe and then

2:07

like a week later my producer slash

2:09

from chief of staff gets this message

2:12

because you're not going to believe this

2:14

but Jonathan's gonna have us on the

2:16

show and I was like universe that really

2:18

is crazy that we were on the list and

2:20

then we hit you up. I love that. Yeah

2:22

we didn't even have to try

2:25

there's no trying. When you're in

2:27

alignment. You know what you want,

2:29

because let's actually unpack that, right?

2:31

I feel your vibration. I love

2:33

your energy. I have appreciation for

2:35

who you are. It's not a

2:37

thirsty energy, right? It's not like

2:39

I'm going to need that, because

2:41

that thirstiness gets in the way

2:43

of attracting. And so there's a

2:45

thirst, it was just like, this

2:48

is our dream, let's lay it on

2:50

the table, we put it in writing,

2:52

and then we let it go. We're

2:54

going to unpack all this. the universe

2:57

delivers. Hey

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healthcare just got less painful. For

4:01

the people who I can

4:03

already hear in the comments

4:05

that are like manifestation like

4:07

mmm What do you say to them?

4:09

How do you explain to a manifestation

4:11

denier that it exists and it's real?

4:14

I think you'd be surprised I don't

4:16

think you have a lot of manifestation

4:18

deniers in your world That's I don't

4:20

think I do in my world I

4:22

don't think the people watching are manifesting

4:25

deniers Because especially they wouldn't be if

4:27

they if they clicked play They might

4:29

have a person in their life who

4:31

is or they might have a part

4:34

of themselves that wants to believe but

4:36

wants to believe it's for them but

4:38

but I can't, right? Or is this

4:40

really real? Let me put it to

4:42

you this way. This is what's real.

4:45

This is who we are. Manifesting is

4:47

natural. Attracting your desires is natural. Living

4:49

in joy is natural. Feeling empowered is

4:51

natural. Thinking it and believing it is

4:54

natural. Attracting what you want into your

4:56

life is who you are. We attract

4:58

who we are. What's not natural is

5:00

all of the fear-based beliefs that we

5:02

have chosen to believe in. All of

5:05

the fear-based beliefs that have been bombarding

5:07

us through the news through our life,

5:09

through traumatic events and our experiences. That's

5:11

not what's natural. And so, so much

5:14

of what we're here to do in

5:16

this lifetime is undo those fear-based beliefs

5:18

and return to that magnitude and that

5:20

love and that light and that joy

5:22

and that superattractor energy of who we

5:25

really are. You know how like... Have

5:27

you ever seen that video on TikTok

5:29

where it's like, you have to be

5:31

careful, like what, and it's probably more

5:34

than this, just this video, but you

5:36

have to be careful of like what

5:38

you say because the universe always says

5:40

yes? The universe is always a yes

5:42

for what you're putting out, but it's

5:45

not just what you're saying, it's how

5:47

you're feeling. Because if you're in a

5:49

high vibration, but you say something kind

5:51

of flippant, like, oh, I'm such an

5:54

idiot or not. thinking and the thoughts

5:56

just keep thinking those thoughts become beliefs

5:58

those beliefs become feelings those feelings those

6:00

feelings send out an energy that energy

6:02

is what you attract so it all

6:05

works together if you just think about

6:07

one time you're good but if it's

6:09

just repeated thought that's burdening you that's

6:11

making you just literally wake up every

6:14

day believing I'm not worthy of this

6:16

or who am I to have that

6:18

or I can't attract love or I'm

6:20

not good enough or money isn't easy

6:22

for me whatever it's like I can't

6:25

believe this person did that to me

6:27

because this is really kind of like

6:29

sidebar but I'm interested in this so

6:31

I was at dinner with um Friends

6:34

yeah, and I met this new person

6:36

and this new person was like confiding

6:38

in me that like Someone in their

6:40

life who they had trusted for a

6:42

long time like really betrayed the shit

6:45

out of them And I listen to

6:47

them tell their story to me for

6:49

like a good 10-15 minutes and it's

6:51

so reminded me of like where I

6:54

was last year and just stuck in

6:56

this loop of like Trying to figure

6:58

out and trying to like just trying

7:00

to like figure out like why this

7:02

happened why they would do this all

7:05

this stuff but it put me in

7:07

like a really negative bad space because

7:09

I was just like rolling around in

7:11

this like mud like just this like

7:13

it triggered your experience and it made

7:16

me tell her this story that I

7:18

always think about from rehab where I

7:20

saw this speaker who said this line

7:22

that was like Not knowing

7:25

why I was an alcoholic is not

7:27

what made me crazy needing to know

7:29

why I was an alcoholic is what

7:31

made me crazy. Oh wow that that

7:34

I just got full-bodied chills because I've

7:36

been sober for almost 20 years coming

7:38

up on 20. Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, yeah,

7:41

isn't that nuts? Yeah, but what you

7:43

just said actually really true. Well, let's

7:45

finish what you're saying. That really hit

7:47

me hard. But I said that Charles

7:50

like I was like I don't think

7:52

I was like I What you're feeling

7:54

and what you've experienced, it's like it

7:56

doesn't matter who said it or who

7:59

didn't. It just, because she didn't trust

8:01

anybody. And that's what kind of, I

8:03

just saw myself and my story and

8:05

her a little bit and like, it

8:08

made me so insecure, it made me

8:10

feel like I didn't know who to

8:12

trust, it made me really unsure of

8:15

even trusting myself and just like second-guessing

8:17

myself all the time. And so if

8:19

the thing is, and I just know

8:21

for me in my whole life, I've

8:24

never been thrown for like, I've dealt

8:26

with like traumatic death, I've dealt with

8:28

but deep betrayal. and uncertainty, like I've

8:30

never dealt with that, and I've never

8:33

dealt with like what it made me

8:35

think of myself. So it just happened

8:37

mine for me. So if the thing

8:40

was that someone can't get out of

8:42

like, oh my God, why did this

8:44

happen to me? How do you manifest

8:46

yourself out of that? You tend to

8:49

the beliefs inside. So we're going to

8:51

bounce a little bit in this conversation

8:53

from IFS to manifesting. So you and

8:55

I are both students of Dr. Richard

8:58

Schwartz, who is our dear friend, and

9:00

Internal Family Systems Therapy is my latest

9:02

book, my 10th book, is all about

9:04

IFS. And this book is really about

9:07

how we heal the parts of ourselves.

9:09

Really quick. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Okay.

9:11

So basically if you've been a long

9:14

time listener to getting better or getting

9:16

curious, you will know because we've had

9:18

Dick Schwartz on this podcast. You've probably

9:20

heard me talk about parts if you're

9:23

a frequent listener. If this is your

9:25

first time on the podcast or you

9:27

haven't heard about it or you haven't.

9:29

If this is your first time hearing

9:32

about it, will you just tell me

9:34

Gabrielle, what is IFS, what is, which

9:36

internal family systems, it also can be

9:39

interchanged with like parts therapy, right? Yeah,

9:41

so it's called parts work, it's called

9:43

IFS, internal family systems. In this case,

9:45

my book is actually a four-step self-help

9:48

practice that's based on the principles of

9:50

IFS. So with Dick's permission, with my

9:52

level two training in IFS, I used

9:54

my We all have these parts of

9:57

ourselves inside, they're like little children inside

9:59

of us. So if you've ever said

10:01

like a part of me gets outraged

10:03

when my mom says X, Y, Z,

10:06

or a part of me shuts down

10:08

or... a part of me feels inadequate.

10:10

These are kind of like different personalities

10:13

inside of us. And there are aspects

10:15

of ourselves that are protection mechanisms. And

10:17

so the person that you're referring to

10:19

that had this this betrayal, that can't

10:22

let go of the betrayal, it's likely

10:24

that that part of them that cannot

10:26

let go of the betrayal is what

10:28

we'd call a protector part. It's a

10:31

protection mechanism. Why? Because if I let

10:33

go of the betrayal... that I'm going

10:35

to die or I'll be unsafe for

10:38

these core beliefs. And it's likely that

10:40

this person had very big betrayal as

10:42

a child. I would go on the

10:44

wreck, I would put money on it,

10:47

that that person who's experiencing this betrayal

10:49

in such a deep, deep wounded, wounded

10:51

way right now with such an inability

10:53

to forgive right now, that that... woman

10:56

or that person would very likely have

10:58

a historical experience of betrayal. And so

11:00

what happens as this relates to IFS

11:02

and manifesting in all of it is

11:05

that we have these experiences as children

11:07

trauma with a big T, trauma with

11:09

a small T. For me it was

11:12

big T. My guess is for you

11:14

might have big T trauma. Sometimes small

11:16

T could be like being bullied or

11:18

feeling like you weren't learning at the

11:21

right pace or whatever it was. These

11:23

moments in time, we were little kids,

11:25

we did not have the tools, the

11:27

resources, or the adult figures to help

11:30

us process. So what do we do?

11:32

We started protecting ourselves at a very

11:34

young age, and those protection mechanisms have

11:37

been replayed and repurposed and replayed and

11:39

repurposed, and they've become core beliefs. And

11:41

remember, we manifest what we believe. So

11:43

if that core belief is so strong,

11:46

let's just use your friend as an

11:48

example, this friend likely, I hope they're

11:50

listening, has an experience of betrayal as

11:52

a child, that replayed and repurposed, re-purpose,

11:55

re-purpose, and repurposed, attracted to get into

11:57

her life, and here she is, holding

11:59

this betrayal. self-help book while it's about

12:02

a therapy and it's democratizing a therapy

12:04

is actually my biggest manifesting book of

12:06

all. Because you know this, all the

12:08

IFS work you've done. I mean I

12:10

have to actually, yeah, because I just

12:13

I want people to like understand how

12:15

cool this is. So like internal family

12:17

systems, it like changed my life. Like it

12:19

literally helped me get off like. I mean, I still smoke

12:21

weed, I want to be honest, but it got me off

12:23

of like bad fucking drugs, like the ones that were

12:25

going to kill me, it like, it like, got me

12:27

on to harm reduction, it got me on to so

12:29

much recovery, so much healing, like, it just really changed

12:31

my life. And so, correct me if I'm wrong, but

12:33

when you're saying that you're democratizing IFS, it's like, my therapist

12:35

who does IFS, honey, like, she's amazing, like, like, and thank

12:38

God, I can afford, I can afford her, like, like,

12:40

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like the

12:42

universe, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

12:44

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

12:46

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

12:48

like, like, like, like, like, like That's just expensive it adds

12:50

up not everyone has like six hundred dollars a month

12:52

to get access to this information So when you say

12:54

you're democratizing IFS really you're taking all of

12:56

your training and all of your work that

12:59

people who have gone to school for like

13:01

four years eight years to learn how to

13:03

give to people to learn how to give

13:05

to people will not give to people But

13:07

it's a price you know, it's like it's

13:10

thing you're letting people get into this for

13:12

themselves because not everyone does have that time

13:14

or that ability or the resource the resource

13:16

to do this work. That's what that's what's

13:19

happening. That is, I love you so

13:21

much for saying that because IFS changed

13:23

my life. I've been in IFS therapy

13:25

for almost a decade. It meant so much

13:27

to me that I befriended Dick. I went

13:29

on with his guidance and his direction

13:32

went on to get trained in the

13:34

model. I was actually one of the

13:36

last people who's not a therapist, a

13:38

licensed therapist to get the training. It

13:40

was almost like God put this all

13:43

in place for me. I got trained

13:45

with that training. I knew I was

13:47

well equipped to write. I knew I

13:49

was well equipped to write this. I

13:51

knew I was well equipped to write

13:54

this book to write this book, I

13:56

knew I was well equipped to write.

13:58

to get more out there. And so this

14:00

is for people to do it on themselves

14:02

and for folks like yourself who have an

14:05

IFS therapist to do it on yourself when

14:07

you're not in, it's like the in-between the

14:09

therapy. That's how I use it. Get

14:58

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at checkout. That's an additional

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trees.com using the code curious

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at checkout. Fast growing

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trees.com code curious. Does

22:04

it feel connected to me? Yes. Okay,

22:06

great. Does it feel like a little

22:08

bit calm with me or a little

22:11

nervous? It feels calm with you.

22:13

I just am like Too hard to

22:15

go there now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, honest.

22:17

Okay. Great. And does it feel connected

22:19

like to me in the sense?

22:21

Does it does it recognize that

22:23

I recognize it? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

22:25

Okay. Okay. Great. So Remember self is

22:28

these energies of first of all beautiful. Thank you.

22:30

Thank you tell the part I say thank you

22:32

for you I freaked out that's actually

22:34

what would happen and it's more common than

22:36

not that you would freak out so the

22:39

part without my distractor part that does that

22:41

every time I get to another part that's

22:43

like this is too much let's check out

22:45

and it like pushes everyone away the beautiful

22:47

thing is is that You had clarity, right?

22:49

Do you feel like you have a

22:52

little bit more clarity? That's it. Okay,

22:54

then we got self. Okay, that's all

22:56

we need. So that last step that

22:58

we just did was to check for

23:00

the C qualities itself,

23:02

which is clarity, compassion,

23:05

courage, creativity, connection. confidence

23:07

and courage. I always

23:09

forget creativity, confidence,

23:11

and courage. I always forget. I always

23:13

forget courage. But I always have

23:15

like clarity, calm. I always remember

23:17

those two. I love the C words.

23:20

Better than the C word this morning.

23:22

Yes. So whatever. We can use it

23:24

when we need it. But the reality

23:26

is is that that clarity was enough.

23:28

So okay, we just spent two and

23:30

a half minutes or two minutes with

23:32

that part that wants to shop. And

23:35

we checked in instead of checked out.

23:37

And you had in that two minutes

23:39

a little tinge of clarity. That means

23:41

that self-energy, which is all these qualities

23:43

of these sea qualities, it's a calm

23:45

energy, it's a compassionate energy, clarity came

23:48

through. I do think sometimes, because

23:50

I come from a 12-step background as

23:52

well. Like my stepdad had been sober

23:54

for like 27 years when he passed

23:56

away, and I've also done a lot

23:58

of parts work. And sometimes, like, even

24:00

like there's like my little shopper like

24:02

she's got a little sneakiness to her

24:04

and I have been like intriguing with

24:07

impulse shopping this week and so I

24:09

feel like what I called her out

24:11

was like oh we're gonna talk about

24:13

this right now yes that's why I

24:15

was like I was like I was

24:18

like I was like oh I was

24:20

like I was like I was like

24:22

huh yeah she's like I don't want

24:24

to do that like yeah I need

24:27

my drug of choice yeah because she's

24:29

protecting something about trust and it really

24:31

made me realize like my relationship with

24:33

trust not like last year it got

24:35

really fractured with myself yeah not only

24:38

because of like shit that I went

24:40

through in public but like private stuff

24:42

like yeah like I bought a house

24:44

that was like too much house and

24:47

became really overwhelming and like just created

24:49

all this extra stress in my life

24:51

but before I bought the house I

24:53

was like I must have that house

24:55

that house is like the key and

24:58

it'll be totally great and it's gonna

25:00

like solve all the things and then

25:02

that wasn't the case and actually like

25:04

brought up all this like other stress.

25:07

So that was actually kind of the

25:09

first thing that like made me feel

25:11

like oh like I was dead set

25:13

on something and then it really didn't

25:15

work out and that was like so

25:18

the that was something and then like

25:20

it just kind of created this like

25:22

domino effect then there was like a

25:24

like a really sudden death in my

25:27

life that then all of a sudden

25:29

like Just my trust like how insecure

25:31

a lot of my parts were feeling

25:33

with the world Yeah, I think that's

25:35

something I think is not only applying

25:38

to me I think so many of

25:40

us so many so many so many

25:42

But here's where here's a secret ready.

25:44

This is a reframe This is just

25:47

open your heart to a perceptual shift.

25:49

This could be a quantum shift in

25:51

your life right now that I'm about

25:53

to give you. Okay is that the

25:55

trust that you're seeking is self trust?

25:58

are the God within us, it's the

26:00

universal energy, it's the love energy, it's

26:02

the presence of safety inside. It's the

26:04

compassion, it's the calm. is the courage,

26:07

it's the clarity. Now hear me out.

26:09

When you practice IFS, when you do

26:11

these four steps, when you do any

26:13

kind of personal development work, you're turning

26:15

in instead of checking out. And the

26:18

more you do that, the more you

26:20

develop an inner resilience and a sense

26:22

of knowing that when the shit hits

26:24

the fan, when I buy the wrong

26:27

house or the house that's too big,

26:29

or when I go and spiral out

26:31

with the shopping, I know where to

26:33

go. I can go to self. Self

26:35

can help me. It makes me really

26:38

almost emotional to say that because that

26:40

knowing is something I can say and

26:42

for somebody listening it might just be

26:44

words right now, but I can in

26:47

my body stand behind it. That self

26:49

energy helps me stay clean and sober

26:51

for 20 years. Help me overcome childhood

26:53

abuse. Help me stay a state move

26:55

through hormonal upheavals with menopause and postpartum

26:58

and life threatening postpartum. Right. These are

27:00

the moments in time without that inner

27:02

resilience I wouldn't have survived. And so

27:04

the more we develop that which was

27:07

exactly what you're doing, my love, every

27:09

day, that you go to that therapist,

27:11

or you do this show, or you

27:13

read that book, that self-help book, or

27:15

you call a friend that's in a

27:18

recovery group, whatever it is that you

27:20

do every on a day-to-day basis, you're

27:22

developing that self-energy inside. And the more

27:24

you develop that, the more you can

27:27

trust that, the more you know I

27:29

can go inside instead of checkout. That's

27:31

it. So we won't ever know that

27:33

we have everything together because we can't

27:35

control. our lives. Yeah, but what we

27:38

can control is how we feel inside.

27:40

Part of parts work that I love

27:42

is that it's really taking your your

27:44

ego or your like your life story

27:47

and it's helping you see your life

27:49

in a new way. Like you can

27:51

literally like map out your parts. Because

27:53

of the work that I've done, I

27:55

can really clearly see like why certain

27:58

things operate in a way that they

28:00

do based off of my childhood trauma.

28:02

Of course, based off of what I

28:04

went through as a kid. to internal

28:07

family system therapy, how do childhood experiences

28:09

and past wounds shape the way that

28:11

we create or block the life that

28:13

we want? And how can we manifest

28:15

through these like deeply held limiting beliefs?

28:18

Okay, gorgeous. So. We have these exiled

28:20

experiences, the trauma with a big T

28:22

or small T as a kid, and

28:24

it's so extreme and then we protect

28:27

against it forever. And these protection mechanisms

28:29

are oftentimes the parts of ourselves that

28:31

we like the least, right? So the

28:33

shopper or the addict or the judgment,

28:35

the judgmental part or for me, like

28:38

the part that's like I have to

28:40

do everything. And we don't actually manifest

28:42

our way through it, we befriend it.

28:44

The secret to manifesting is to befriend

28:47

the beliefs that block the manifesting. So

28:49

when we get to know, become curious,

28:51

get the clarity that you're talking about.

28:53

Because you can say right now, all

28:55

that clarity is the word you've used

28:58

multiple times in this episode. So that

29:00

clarity that you have about the shopper,

29:02

it actually. allows you to see the

29:04

shopper as a part of you rather

29:07

than as who you are and that

29:09

teasing that out allows you to be

29:11

like okay the shopper is here right

29:13

now like I she needs something like

29:15

she's she wants to she's acting out

29:18

like okay okay like I've got a

29:20

clarity about that. Clarity might lead you

29:22

to feel a little bit of connection

29:24

to her. And then that connection might

29:27

open your heart to some compassion towards

29:29

her. And as you start to develop

29:31

that kind of relationship, get into relationship

29:33

with these parts of ourselves instead of

29:35

shunning them and fighting them or pushing

29:38

them away or trying to get over

29:40

them or manifest through them, we befriend

29:42

them. Like my cocaine addict part, I

29:44

love her. She's also a controlling part.

29:47

That controller, listen. Listen. She did a

29:49

lot of good work. She wrote 10

29:51

books in 14 years. She's helped a

29:53

lot of people. Now with my relationship

29:55

to her, she's not as extreme. She

29:58

can run her business. she can make

30:00

should happen, she can get things done,

30:02

but she doesn't have to be an

30:04

asshole while she's doing it, right? So

30:07

it's not about overriding these aspects of

30:09

ourselves. The parts of us that we

30:11

hate the most, the parts of us

30:13

that make us so ashamed, those are

30:15

the parts that need our love the

30:18

most. They need our friendship, they need

30:20

our connection. That's why, you know, choosing

30:22

to check in, being curious, these are

30:24

the steps, compassionate connection, asking what do

30:27

you need, breathing the part, It's just

30:29

four steps. One minute a day, four

30:31

steps, my prescription. One minute a day,

30:33

four steps. And that's why the subtitles,

30:35

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30:38

life. I

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am interrupting your regularly scheduled programming

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qualify for prescription medications. Compounded medications

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are not reviewed by the FDA

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for safety, efficacy, or quality. 250

31:33

donuts? 250 kitty cats? Nope. More

31:35

like destroying 250 years of secular

31:37

democracy, honey. Without gutting the rule

31:39

of law, you can't do that.

31:41

Without shattering norms, you can't do

31:43

it. And you also can't shatter

31:45

that 250 years of secular democracy

31:48

without dropping a few. billion. The

31:50

same people and groups that backed

31:52

Project 2025 are part of a

31:54

larger shadow network that's a relentlessly

31:56

pushing to impose a Christian nationalist

31:58

agenda on our laws and lives.

32:00

The wall between church and state

32:02

is the last safeguard blocking their

32:04

agenda. Civil rights for LGBTQI plus

32:06

people are on the line, rights

32:08

for women on the line, and

32:10

racial and religious minorities. One of

32:13

the places I found hoping is

32:15

organizations like Americans United for separation

32:17

of church. state. They advocate for

32:19

every individual's right to believe and

32:21

live as you choose so long

32:23

as you don't harm others. Americans

32:25

united for separation of church and

32:27

state. When America's divided, we are

32:29

Americans united. Learn more and join

32:31

the fight at eu.org/better. We just

32:33

live in this culture where people

32:35

want like a fast answer, a

32:37

fast easy answer to everything. Yes.

32:40

And I know for me... Like,

32:42

I learned in our trauma dumping

32:44

episode a few weeks ago, or

32:46

a few months ago now, that

32:48

like, my first instinct when I

32:50

go through something is to call

32:52

someone. Like, I don't ask myself.

32:54

I like, I'm, I've just, that's

32:56

okay though. Do I know why?

32:58

Well, I'm a wave, and I

33:00

get that I'm a wave, but

33:02

part of that is from, like,

33:05

I don't trust myself to like

33:07

sit with something. And so, and

33:09

also it's more about me regulating

33:11

than it is about them. Yeah.

33:13

It's more and so there's like

33:15

a just like there's like a

33:17

little selfishness to it. I don't

33:19

hate that for you though. I

33:21

want to tell you why I

33:23

like adding in the self-help check-ins,

33:25

but what I like about that

33:27

is that you know that that's

33:30

a tool. That supports you. You

33:32

know that co-regulation is helpful for

33:34

you You know that that there

33:36

are safe people in your life

33:38

and you feel safe to contact

33:40

them and ask for help What

33:42

there's nothing wrong with that. We've

33:44

been talking so much about parts

33:46

that I kind of want to

33:48

make sure that people understand like

33:50

there's a little bit of like

33:52

parts lingo that I want to

33:54

make sure that you guys know.

33:57

So all of us have parts

33:59

There are parts like and everybody's

34:01

like personality system. So it's not

34:03

like multiple personality disorder. It's not

34:05

like everyone has parts. It's true

34:07

like multiple like multiple personality. What's

34:09

that like term? D-I-D-I-D. Yeah. Yeah.

34:11

It's like... Did I say that

34:13

right? Maybe, I don't know.

34:15

Well, it's like, if you

34:18

have like full-on split personalities,

34:20

that's like when the personalities

34:22

don't know about each other.

34:25

Like where like you, like

34:27

because of trauma, like you

34:29

fully switch into one,

34:31

like that's not internal

34:34

family systems, that's not

34:36

what parts work is.

34:38

Everyone, like... harder to detect.

34:40

Do you like the way I play that?

34:42

I really like what you're saying. And I

34:44

also would say that if any time you

34:47

said like, whoa, like a part of me

34:49

just took over. Right? That's when we become

34:51

blended with parts of ourselves. Like, oh my

34:53

God, I could not handle that feeling. I

34:56

just picked up the drink and I was

34:58

off to the races, right? Or that, you

35:00

know, that person said that thing and I

35:02

just lost my shit, right? And then an

35:04

hour later, you feel so much shame because

35:07

you're like, how could I have said all

35:09

that, blah, blah, blah, blah. Those are young

35:11

parts of ourselves that are protection mechanisms that

35:13

just come over us and... They

35:15

are oftentimes extreme and sometimes like

35:18

you said, not that extreme or

35:20

sometimes like workaholic part could be

35:22

a praised part. You have to

35:24

be like, oh go honey, like

35:27

you're rocking it, but that's actually

35:29

overriding our inner well-being. So this

35:31

is all really about getting to

35:33

know all these different protection mechanisms.

35:35

It's called them protection mechanisms. And

35:38

not not running around living from...

35:40

trigger to protection mechanism, trigger to

35:42

protection mechanism. It's like, okay, let's

35:44

get, when we get triggered, if

35:46

we have enough space between that

35:48

stimulus and that response, which is

35:50

the acting out or the protection,

35:52

then in that space, you can do

35:55

the four steps, get a little bit

35:57

more calm, maybe have a little bit

35:59

more clarity. feel a little bit more

36:01

connected, have a little bit of compassion

36:03

towards yourself, and that little molecule of

36:05

self can rewire your brain in that

36:07

moment and redirect your path. That's what

36:09

this whole thing is about. It's not

36:11

about... overnight success. It's about those molecule

36:13

moments because those are literal new neural

36:16

pathways in your brain. So many people

36:18

because we're not in our centered self

36:20

and we aren't like in a trusting

36:22

like case with ourselves when we are

36:24

confronted with like a new story or

36:26

something in our personal lives or our

36:28

work. It's like, at least for me,

36:30

the reaction is like, I go call

36:32

someone I want validation about it, but

36:34

I'm actually not co-regulating. I'm spinning myself

36:36

out. Okay. And I know what the

36:38

difference is. if it's about like an

36:40

addiction thing. then I need corrugulation and

36:43

I know how to like not trauma

36:45

dump so like I know how to

36:47

get like you know permission from the

36:49

person like do you have a moment

36:51

to talk or like do you have

36:53

like I'm going through something I need

36:55

to talk about this versus times where

36:57

I'm just like spinning myself up and

36:59

like telling myself stories again and over

37:01

and over again it like doesn't even

37:03

matter the other person on the line

37:05

yeah like I'm just revving up my

37:08

nervous system and then I go find

37:10

another thing and so it's like I

37:12

even even after all this work I've

37:14

driver's seat and it's not my center

37:16

itself. And that's why this is so

37:18

important this work because so many people

37:20

are like that. Like whether it's like

37:22

your kids or a co-worker. We're all

37:24

like little kids. I have a six-year-old.

37:26

I witnessed him in and out of

37:28

these different spells and I'm like that's

37:30

no different than I am. And so

37:32

what do we need? You know Dick

37:35

Schwartz would have a book you are

37:37

the one you've been waiting for. Right?

37:39

We need to be our own internal

37:41

parent, the parent that was not there

37:43

for us, the parent that could not

37:45

co-regulate. We become our own co-regulation. Yes.

37:47

Because we can turn in and we

37:49

can have that curiosity and that connection.

37:51

It's going to, there are listeners that

37:53

are going to be like, oh, that

37:55

sounds nice, like, oh, you know, I

37:57

don't really get that. Yeah, of course

37:59

not. I mean, it's going to... When

38:02

I first started, I've been doing IFS

38:04

for a decade. When I first started,

38:06

I'd be like, I don't fucking know

38:08

what part is inside of me. Yeah,

38:10

I would have an irritated part. Let

38:12

me say this thing. I lived with

38:14

dissociated trauma for 36 years. I remembered

38:16

my childhood trauma in a dream when

38:18

I was 36 years old. Okay. Talk

38:20

about why we drank, right? Remember you

38:22

were saying earlier, like, we chase after

38:24

the reason why? I didn't know why.

38:27

I was like, why am I a

38:29

cocaine addict? Well, okay, a decade later,

38:31

I find out in a dream. And

38:33

so that's a protector, the dissociation, the

38:35

complete block, the shutdown. We protect so

38:37

much against those pains because it's too

38:39

impermissible to feel those childhood wounds. I

38:41

loved what you said earlier about, like

38:43

how sometimes it's like... how we relate

38:45

to our parts and identifying with the

38:47

parts is like what keeps us from

38:49

manifesting. So let's say that you've done

38:51

the work or you're doing the work.

38:54

You're like you're in your therapy or

38:56

you're reading self-help. You're in your work.

38:58

So let's say you're relating to the

39:00

parts in a good way. We're vibrating

39:02

high, but still some people can feel

39:04

stuck, whether it's in your career, it's

39:06

your relationship, it's your self-work. How can

39:08

manifestation help us get unstuck? Well, I

39:10

think that what the first step about

39:12

manifesting, I believe, is to recognize what

39:14

you don't want, because when you know

39:16

what you don't want, you know what

39:19

you do want, you know what you

39:21

do want. And so looking at your

39:23

life first and foremost and saying, what

39:25

is the belief? What is the story?

39:27

What is the experience I'm having that

39:29

is the opposite of what I actually

39:31

want? And that clarity... gives you a

39:33

point of attraction, it gives you say,

39:35

okay, this thing that's not vibrating in

39:37

my life, this thing that is not

39:39

vibrational, I actually want this instead. That's

39:41

a real clear direction. And then knowing

39:43

what you do want is about first

39:46

and foremost being willing to do whatever

39:48

it takes to heal, that's always there,

39:50

because I think a lot of people

39:52

out there being like, you know, like

39:54

these tic-tic doctors, like, right at a

39:56

thousand times, they're like, like, repeat it,

39:58

or like, or like, There's a lot

40:00

of fake manifesting bullshit. This isn't bullshit.

40:02

This is actually who we are. It's

40:04

our inherent nature. But we have stuff

40:06

that's in the way. Okay, so then

40:08

affirming what you do want, but from

40:10

a place of really feeling connected to

40:13

it, right? So I didn't say, you

40:15

know, me writing down, I want to

40:17

be on Jonathan's podcast. I felt connected

40:19

to that, that felt good in my

40:21

body. So affirming that, writing it down.

40:23

Only if it feels good. If you're

40:25

putting something on the page or you're

40:27

saying something out loud, but it doesn't

40:29

vibrate. Like it feels like, oh, I

40:31

don't know, like, how could that happen

40:33

for me? That's not the thing, like

40:35

don't put that out there because there's

40:38

a disconnect, right? Maybe that's not the

40:40

thing yet, okay? But it feels like,

40:42

you can't be like, I'm broke and

40:44

I'm a millionaire, but you could be

40:46

like, I'm broke, but you know what,

40:48

I've got a really good resume and

40:50

I've got a really good resume and

40:52

I've got a really good resume and

40:54

I've got a really good resume and

40:56

I can fresheme and I've got a

40:58

resume and I've got a resume my

41:00

resume and I can freshen up my

41:02

resume and I can freshen up my

41:05

resume and I can freshen up my

41:07

resume and I've got a resume and

41:09

I can freshen up my resume and

41:11

I've got a resume and I can

41:13

freshen my resume and I can freshen

41:15

my resume and I've got a resume

41:17

and I've got a resume and I've

41:19

got a resume and I've got a

41:21

resume and I've got a resume and

41:23

I've got a resume and I've got

41:25

a resume and I've got a resume

41:27

and Okay, reaching for the thing that

41:30

feels better to you. And then I

41:32

really believe that we can do a

41:34

lot to just align with the universe.

41:36

That's why I have this manifesting challenge,

41:38

which is this like, and perennial event

41:40

that I do in January, tens of

41:42

thousands of people do it with me.

41:44

And that's awesome. But this trust the

41:46

universe challenge that I'm doing right now

41:48

is even more profound, because when we

41:50

feel connected to the universe, that's when

41:52

we just think it and it is.

41:54

It's like there's not a lot of

41:57

efforting. There's just sort of like, oh,

41:59

you know, let's just put it down

42:01

there Jonathan's podcast and then it's a

42:03

It's in a lot when you're in

42:05

alignment spiritually, whatever that means for you,

42:07

right? For me. It means feeling and

42:09

knowing that there's an energy supporting mean

42:11

around me When I'm in that alignment,

42:13

everything starts to fall into place. What

42:15

role does self perception play in manifestation?

42:17

Well, like I said, we manifest what

42:19

we believe we are ourselves as an

42:21

adequate or if we perceive ourselves as

42:24

broke or perceive ourselves as as not

42:26

good enough or you know bad in

42:28

some way then we're gonna create more

42:30

of that belief and that's why I

42:32

really believe that the real manifesting flex

42:34

is the IFS it's the inner work

42:36

because you got to heal the vibration

42:38

inside you got to heal the beliefs

42:40

inside you are the your energy is

42:42

the point of attraction. So really it's

42:44

like if you don't believe that you

42:46

deserve something, you really can't manifest it

42:49

until you've done that work. What you

42:51

can manifest is this. Let's say you,

42:53

right now, you have a great example.

42:55

You've got this shopper part, and you're

42:57

kind of like, ooh, the shopper part's

42:59

kind of in the way, and it's

43:01

doing these things, but you have so

43:03

much clarity about it. Okay, have you

43:05

healed the shopper part? Is it gone?

43:07

Is it like in perfect harmony inside

43:09

of you yet? No, maybe it will

43:11

be here. We have made a lot

43:13

of progress. But that's my point. Yes,

43:16

that progress is the perfection. I did

43:18

just fuck up like two months ago.

43:20

But it's not about the fuck up.

43:22

How quickly you come back? So it's

43:24

like, what about setbacks? So it's like,

43:26

what about setbacks? How can we be

43:28

like kind of like gentler and like

43:30

gentler with ourselves like when we have?

43:32

It's not like I have to start

43:34

over, it's like I can begin again.

43:36

You know what I had this sponsor

43:38

for many years in 12-step and she,

43:40

what was the most magnificent about, about

43:43

Gina, my sponsor, was that when I'd

43:45

call her and I'd say like the

43:47

most fucked up shit, I'd be like

43:49

I just cheated on this guy or

43:51

I did this awful thing and she'd

43:53

be like, okay, like forgive yourself, Choose

43:55

again. It's letting yourself give over the

43:57

resentment and begin again. What happens when

43:59

we force something versus being in alignment

44:01

with what we actually need and let's

44:03

say that you maybe did for something

44:05

like a career decision or like you

44:08

just musled your way into something. But

44:10

now it's kind of like an insecure

44:12

functioning relationship. Yeah, yeah. As Dick would

44:14

say. Yeah, totally. Is it possible for

44:16

us to have like started something off

44:18

like from more of like a forcey

44:20

musly place but then like transform it

44:22

into more of like an aligned space?

44:24

Absolutely. What a nice question. Okay, well

44:26

the first thing is is that the

44:28

forcing musily place often won't actually get

44:30

us very far because that energy is

44:32

very thirsty and you know when you're

44:35

dating and like the guys like, you

44:37

know, texting a thousand times, you're like,

44:39

like not into it. You want to

44:41

be the person, it's like, yeah, I'm

44:43

cool. Let's hang out, right? So it's

44:45

the thirsty kind of controlling energy that's

44:47

very static and blocks the money. And

44:49

in some cases you can muscle your

44:51

way into some successful moment, but it

44:53

may not last or you may not

44:55

believe you're worthy of it or whatever.

44:57

Let's say that you to answer your

45:00

question, let's say you muscle your way

45:02

into something and now you want to

45:04

transmute it. Okay, like I just said

45:06

before. begin again. So show up for

45:08

that new manifestation, however, whatever it is,

45:10

if it's a work thing or if

45:12

it's a relationship thing, and every moment

45:14

is a new opportunity to alcomize the

45:16

energy. So I've had years and years

45:18

of behavioral patterns with the people and

45:20

co-workers, and you know what? Now I've

45:22

healed a lot, and I'm doing it

45:24

differently, and today is a new day,

45:27

and I can speak for my parts

45:29

rather than as my parts. Right. So

45:31

you can show up and you can

45:33

even speak for the part. The routine

45:35

apart got me in trouble. Yeah. A

45:37

couple times. Yeah. Oh, I have this

45:39

part of me that gets really irritated

45:41

or I have a part of me

45:43

that's like just been forcing this thing

45:45

and you know, I don't want to

45:47

force this thing, but I really just

45:49

want to force this thing, but I

45:51

really just want to enjoy it. The

45:54

other secret to this is just to

45:56

enjoy it. The other secret to this

45:58

is just to the cleanup up. The secret

46:00

to manifesting is to have fun.

46:02

Just go and make it fun. Go find

46:04

the joy in the situation. Be like, okay,

46:06

this was one something that was burdening me.

46:08

I'm gonna go make it really, really fun.

46:10

So even if you were to say that

46:13

like politically, like. I am so fucking pissed

46:15

about like where are that like it

46:17

would the joy in the fun be

46:19

from like when you're organizing and meeting

46:22

new friends who are like like minded

46:24

with you and you're like getting

46:26

off the doom scroll and you're

46:28

going and meeting people in real

46:31

life and getting in community that

46:33

way. Yes I think there's like

46:35

a real important message for activists

46:37

because I think that we don't

46:40

stop fighting it's that we

46:42

start aligning. And that fighting energy

46:44

is often a protector energy.

46:46

But we need self-led leaders, as

46:48

Dick would say. We need self-led

46:51

leaders. So people who are leading

46:53

from courage, leading from connection, leading

46:56

with clarity, leading with compassion, right?

46:58

Like, God, these people that are

47:00

doing these horrific things. There's not

47:02

one of the good C-words of

47:05

IFS that I can associate

47:07

with Trump. Well, he is really

47:09

clear on his. on his racism.

47:11

He's really clear on his racism.

47:13

I don't think that there's

47:15

a lot. There is no

47:17

self-energy there. That is absolutely

47:19

accurate. And that is exactly

47:22

a very good example

47:24

of a lots of parts

47:26

of someone like trauma parts

47:28

from their childhood becoming so

47:30

extreme that that narcissistic

47:33

part turned into this president of

47:35

the United resonated so deeply with so

47:37

many other people's unheeled trauma parts. Unheeled

47:39

trauma parts. So we gotta be like

47:41

kinder even to, we gotta be like

47:43

more compassionate, clear, courageous. The people who

47:45

need the compassion the most are the

47:48

ones that actually thought that was a

47:50

good idea. We've talked about a lot.

47:52

I want to like really dig in

47:54

and make sure that people have some

47:56

solutions. They are walking away from this

47:58

episode with some tangible. new routines, some

48:00

tangible new tools to like start

48:02

to work into their lives. So

48:04

how can we actually rewire our

48:06

brain to think differently and open

48:08

up to better possibilities? Okay, so

48:11

I love that choose again method that I

48:13

opened up to a little bit earlier. You

48:15

notice the fear-based thought that you have on

48:17

repeat. And then you forgive yourself for having

48:19

that thought. You're like, oh, there's that thought

48:21

I keep having, forgive yourself. And the next

48:23

step is to reach for the next best

48:25

feeling thought. So, okay, I went shopping, oh

48:27

no, I went shopping, forgive yourself for the

48:29

thought, like I went shopping, I did the

48:31

thing, and then reach for the next best

48:33

feeling thought. I can return that thing I

48:35

just bought. I can actually sell the five things of

48:37

the five bags that I'm not really that into and

48:40

then maybe I'll make some money on that and then

48:42

use that for my next purchase. And I tell you

48:44

that I did that. That was what my idea

48:46

was for you. Remember I told you that. That

48:48

was my idea for you. But for someone else, like

48:50

and also we. But anybody, anyway, so that's my

48:53

example, right? You're reaching for the next, you're

48:55

not like, I'm broke, I'm broke, okay, I'm

48:57

a millionaire, I'm broke, but you know, like

48:59

we said earlier, but I've got some connections,

49:01

I've got a good resume, I can get

49:03

on reaching for that next best feeling thought.

49:05

Basically, when we're rewiring our brain, we're literally

49:07

just like being like, okay, I see you

49:09

thought, and then we're reaching for one that

49:11

more kind, more kind, more kind, more gentle,

49:13

more gentle, one that we believe in. because you

49:16

don't want to reach for a belief that's too

49:18

far reaching because it's going to keep you stuck

49:20

in fear. Like you're going to know inside that's

49:22

not real. So you want to reach, you want

49:25

to notice the thought, forgive the thought, and reach

49:27

for the thought that you believe in. What's

49:29

the role of our like daily

49:31

habits and reshaping our thoughts? It's

49:33

just the repetition of new behavior.

49:35

Lots of little right actions. One

49:37

small new thought, one small new

49:40

action, one small new behavior, you

49:42

added up, and that becomes a

49:44

new way of being. It's small

49:46

steps. steps and they do add up and

49:48

it's not the big magic light bulb honey

49:51

center just like a lot of little things

49:53

make big new things lots of little things

49:55

make big new things what are the small

49:57

shifts people can start with today okay shift

50:00

Number one, notice the thought that you

50:02

have on repeat that is holding you

50:04

back. Just notice it, write it down,

50:06

and just say to that thought, I forgive

50:08

you and I love you. Step one. So

50:10

if you were doing that politically,

50:13

it'd be like, these Republicans are

50:15

tearing our constitution apart and

50:17

everyone is worse off for it. It'd

50:19

be like, honey, I understand why you

50:22

feel like that? Yeah. You have a

50:24

lot of evidence that that is the

50:26

case, but I do believe that. people

50:29

have the resilience wisdom and strength to

50:31

navigate this dark era and we're going

50:33

to come out stronger and more together

50:35

for it. Well I would give that

50:38

as actually another tip is look for

50:40

the light in all situations lean towards

50:42

the positive see the obstacles as opportunities

50:45

look at them as detours in the

50:47

right direction living with more of an

50:49

optimistic mindset opens your heart to

50:51

what's possible. Come on Gretchen Rubin

50:54

optimism mindset that's so true. That

50:56

is so true. Optimism... Because

50:58

that doesn't mean that we're being delusional or

51:00

like... It's not delusional. It's just saying, what

51:02

can I learn from this? How can I,

51:05

how can I rise up from this? What

51:07

is my direction here? Or if you don't

51:09

know the answer, if you have a spiritual

51:12

practice or if you have a prayer practice,

51:14

ask for guidance. Okay, universe, God, Grandma, show

51:16

me where to go. Show me how to see this through

51:18

the lens of love. For those out there, if

51:20

you have someone in your life who is

51:22

skeptical or thinks that manifestation is all like

51:25

woo and not based in reality, what's one

51:27

thing you really want them to understand? Well,

51:29

everything I teach is completely

51:31

non-denominational. I've been writing spiritual

51:33

self-help books. I'm a Jewish

51:35

woman. I've been talking about

51:37

all kinds of spiritual principles,

51:39

but it's completely disconnected from

51:41

my religion, from any kind

51:43

of religion. And I welcome

51:45

all religions. Everyone enters their

51:47

spiritual faith. I have a

51:49

unitarian universalist mindset. Exactly. Yes.

51:51

Exactly. And so when we,

51:53

all it is is I

51:55

believe manifesting spirituality is about

51:57

returning to who we really are.

51:59

It's. It's wanting to live in

52:01

joy. It's wanting to feel aligned

52:04

with a higher purpose, a higher

52:06

connection. And it's also quantum physics,

52:08

right? What we put out, we

52:10

receive back. Energy is everything. We're

52:13

all energetic frequencies. So if we

52:15

start to recognize that we can

52:17

adjust our energy through more optimism

52:20

and hope and gratitude and appreciation,

52:22

and more of that will come to

52:24

us. Okay, come on, who doesn't want

52:26

that? Self help, it's your chance to

52:28

change your life. So this work is

52:31

so important, and this is no

52:33

spoiler alert. But what's one

52:35

misconception about ourselves that we

52:38

need to release in order

52:40

to manifest more powerfully? Mm.

52:42

That we can't manifest. I

52:44

think that the biggest misconception

52:47

is that we are not

52:49

superattractors, that we don't have

52:51

the power to attract what

52:53

we want, that somebody else

52:55

has it up, but I don't. It's a

52:57

big lie. It's who we are. Gabby Bernstein,

53:00

thank you so much for coming on getting

53:02

better. We love you so much. Thank you

53:04

for being my first manifestation in this new

53:06

wave of being New Gabby. New Gabby is here,

53:08

she's better than ever. New Gabby is better than

53:10

ever. I love you guys so much, and Gabby, thank

53:12

you so much for coming on. I love you. Love

53:14

you too.