0:00

Welcome to Ghost of a Podcast.

0:02

I'm your host, Jessica Laniato. I'm

0:04

an astrologer, psychic medium, and animal

0:06

communicator, and I'm going to give

0:08

you your weekly horoscope and no

0:11

bullshit mystical advice for living your

0:13

very best life. Tracy,

0:17

welcome to the podcast. What would

0:19

you like a reading about? Hi,

0:22

Jessica. So my question was very short

0:24

and sweet. It was just, how

0:26

do I get over my ex? That

0:30

is the shortest question I've ever

0:32

attempted to answer in my life.

0:34

So before we begin, you were

0:37

born November 7, 1995

0:39

in Murray, Utah at

0:41

8 .08 a .m. Yes.

0:44

Excellent. So, OK, say a little

0:46

more. Say a little more.

0:48

How long ago were you and

0:50

your ex together? Oh,

0:52

gosh. OK, this is like embarrassing, but

0:54

let's go. So I will preface

0:56

this where I feel like I have

0:58

a hard time getting over exes

1:00

in general. And my first like

1:02

real boyfriend relationship that was

1:04

like four years long. And to

1:06

this day, I still sometimes

1:08

think like, what if? What if

1:11

things could work out? What,

1:13

you know, all this. But the

1:15

one that isn't mentioned to

1:17

this question, we met about two,

1:19

three years ago. And we

1:21

met through a guy who was

1:23

dating at the time who

1:25

was. Not good. Yeah, it's very

1:27

messy. And so I met

1:29

him and he acted very much

1:31

like, oh, we're just cool.

1:33

We're friends, whatever. The second I

1:35

was out of that relationship,

1:37

he was into me. And then

1:39

I was like, okay, sure,

1:41

let's go on this ride now.

1:43

And we did. And that

1:45

was about a year of situationship,

1:47

I'll call it, followed by.

1:49

About a year of me having

1:51

him blocked and missing him

1:53

every day and crying and grieving

1:55

and dating other people and

1:58

missing him. And then this year

2:00

he came back into my life and

2:02

it's been a mess ever since. And

2:04

I just have such a connection,

2:06

an attachment. I have such a

2:08

heavy attachment to him. And I

2:11

feel like he does to me

2:13

too, but they're totally unhealthy attachments.

2:16

And I feel like he brings nothing

2:18

but chaos to my life. But

2:20

I'm still just like, I have a

2:22

gazillion feelings about it. So are

2:24

you still dating him? No.

2:27

Okay, so right now you're off, but

2:29

it's off in a cycle of off

2:31

and on. It's a cycle of

2:33

off and on that I would love to keep

2:35

off. Okay. How long have you guys been off? Well,

2:38

this whole year we've not really

2:40

officially been, like, on, but

2:43

kind of. And I only blocked

2:45

him days ago. Okay. So

2:47

a couple days ago you blocked him. were

2:50

you having sex with him before that

2:52

were you flirting with him before that

2:54

what was the vibe of it before

2:56

like last week yeah the vibe of

2:58

that was he says oh i really

3:01

want to date you but we're like

3:03

hooking up we're having sex he's coming

3:05

over to my house we're like doing

3:07

ceramics we're you know going out to

3:09

dinner maybe okay so you're dating you're

3:11

not calling it yeah yeah okay and

3:13

then Very briefly, you don't

3:15

to give me all the details of the

3:17

world, but like very briefly, what makes it

3:19

so toxic? Is it just that he's like

3:21

clearly dating you and saying, I don't want to date you? Yes.

3:24

Yeah, exactly. He's like, tells me

3:27

like, oh, I know it must be

3:29

so hard dating a musician. And

3:31

basically he doesn't have a job. He

3:33

doesn't seem to want to have

3:35

a job. He doesn't like, it's not

3:37

all about money, but it's like,

3:40

he doesn't ever have money or like.

3:42

a plan to make any for

3:44

himself. I feel like he is very

3:46

quick to accept me giving him

3:48

things. I feel like when we were

3:50

together, he basically moved himself into

3:52

my house because it was more convenient

3:55

for him. So where does

3:57

he live? He lives by himself,

3:59

but where we live, I live in

4:01

the city and he lives in the suburbs.

4:03

And so he must have money to pay

4:05

rent. Oh, he gets money

4:07

from his family. He has like a

4:09

family business and stocks is what he

4:11

says. So he's like family has money

4:13

and so he lives off of his

4:15

parents. Yes, but his parents

4:18

live in a different state and he's here

4:20

alone. And I think that they kind of

4:22

view him as like, I don't

4:24

know, like the artist's son or

4:26

something. It's like they support him, but

4:28

they always know that he's causing

4:30

problems. Okay, so

4:32

there's a lot that I

4:34

want to say straight out the gate. So

4:37

the first thing I'll say is you

4:39

have a stellium in Scorpio. You've got your

4:41

Mercury and Sun in the 12th house

4:43

in Scorpio. You've got a Scorpio rising with

4:45

Pluto really closely conjoined it. You are

4:47

the youngest millennial. Do you identify as millennial

4:49

or as Gen Z? Millennial.

4:51

Millennial, yeah, but barely. Agreed.

4:53

Your Pluto is at 29

4:55

degrees Scorpio in 52 minutes.

4:57

You would be the youngest

4:59

millennial or... Maybe one day they'll

5:01

come up with a name for something between Gen

5:03

Z and millennial and you would be it.

5:05

OK, that said, letting go of people, not your

5:08

forte, not your forte. You don't

5:10

like to let go. You don't like

5:12

endings. And that is really hard

5:14

for you. And the fact that

5:16

it's really hard for you

5:18

has literally nothing, zero percent to

5:20

do with whether or not that person is good for

5:22

you. Or even if

5:24

you genuinely love them, it

5:27

has to do with how hard it is

5:29

for you to let. Go. Now,

5:31

because you've got your

5:33

ascendant conjunct Pluto

5:35

conjunct Venus out of

5:37

sign, you have

5:39

this unfortunate belief that the more

5:42

it hurts, the more chaotic and dramatic

5:44

and unpleasant it is, the closer

5:46

to love it is. And so if

5:48

you, let's say, catch feelings for

5:50

somebody and they're like healthy and well

5:52

adjusted and respectful and you just

5:54

get along, there's a part of you

5:56

that's like, well, this isn't anything.

5:58

This doesn't count. Yeah.

6:01

Yeah. Real talk until you

6:03

develop greater clarity inside of

6:05

yourself and a willingness to experience

6:07

love, not as a building

6:09

on fire, but instead a warm

6:11

fire in a controlled place

6:13

like a fireplace. Until you make

6:15

internal adjustments, you are likely

6:17

to perpetuate the cycle with this

6:19

guy or someone else. Mm

6:21

hmm. And that is a really

6:23

important thing for me to

6:25

say, partially because, you know, from

6:27

my perspective as an astrologer,

6:30

it seems true. But also because

6:32

none of this has to

6:34

do with this guy. We're going

6:36

to call him. We'll call

6:38

him Joe. It has nothing to

6:40

do with Joe. It has

6:42

nothing to do with him at

6:44

all. It doesn't you know,

6:46

we can talk about him. But

6:48

this pattern that you have

6:50

of of holding on to something

6:52

that kind of burns you

6:54

is your pattern that existed before

6:56

Joe. And if you're not

6:58

careful, we'll exist after him. Yeah,

7:00

I completely hear you and agree.

7:02

Yeah. So let's talk about the concept

7:05

of getting over someone. So when

7:07

you say you want to get over

7:09

him, I'm assuming what you mean

7:11

by that is you want to stop

7:13

having feelings for him. Is that

7:15

correct? Yeah, because I feel

7:17

like I'm fixated and he's like

7:20

in my thoughts all the time. And

7:22

I don't want to have feelings

7:24

for him because I feel like he's.

7:26

fixated like I'm fixated on him

7:28

all the time and I'm fixated on

7:30

like the good times we had

7:32

and I'm fixated on you know some

7:35

things that he maybe said about

7:37

you know a life we could have

7:39

had and it's like I can't

7:41

get over that and then I want

7:43

to go back and then I

7:45

think of myself as being like less

7:47

than I think of myself as

7:50

you know I compare the two of

7:52

us, which is bizarre, but it's

7:54

what I start to do. And I

7:56

don't want that. I just want

7:58

to like be separate, separate beings. So

8:02

those are a lot of

8:04

things. So let's unpack them as

8:06

separate things, right? One thing

8:08

that I do want to kind

8:10

of name for you is

8:12

that breaking up with somebody or

8:14

letting them go actually doesn't

8:16

always include not having thoughts and

8:18

feelings of them. It's

8:20

developing a different relationship to the thoughts

8:22

and feelings. Yeah. That's

8:24

one thing I want to say. It's

8:26

like magically snapping your fingers so you

8:28

don't have thoughts and feelings about him.

8:30

That's a bad goal. It's a really

8:32

bad goal because it's unlikely to happen

8:34

instantly. If it was likely to happen

8:36

instantly, we wouldn't be having this conversation

8:38

and you wouldn't be spending years on

8:40

this guy. Right? Yeah. Okay.

8:42

So. Because your nature

8:44

is to ruminate, like you ruminate on

8:46

your favorite song and you listen to

8:49

it over and over and over again.

8:51

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have a

8:53

favorite pair of shoes and like

8:55

you wear them until there's holes in

8:57

them, I'm guessing. Yes. Yeah. So

8:59

you are a ruminator and you like,

9:01

you're like, this felt good once

9:03

something magical happened when I was wearing

9:05

this hat once and now it's

9:08

my fucking magic hat. Yeah. Okay. That

9:10

means. That this rumination that you

9:12

catch yourself doing, obsessing on a potential

9:14

future or obsessing on good things

9:16

in the past, they're not personal to

9:18

him. You do this with shoes

9:20

and songs. This is you. This is

9:22

not him. Yes. And so I

9:24

think it's really important to recognize when

9:27

something is an anomaly in your

9:29

nature, well, then we want to treat

9:31

it really different than when something

9:33

is a consistent part. of your nature.

9:35

And for you, obsession and rumination,

9:37

you know, fixation, attachment, these things are

9:39

just kind of like a rainy

9:41

day in Portland is what I call

9:44

it. Have you ever heard me

9:46

use that expression before? Yes. Yeah. So

9:48

you know what I'm talking about.

9:50

This is just a rainy day in

9:52

Portland for you. So what I

9:54

want to ground you into is when

9:56

you start fixating the future or

9:58

the past or what he said or

10:01

what he did or what you

10:03

could have been, whether it's thinking. He's

10:05

amazing and you're terrible, whether it's thinking about

10:07

like the great times you had or the great

10:09

times you might have if only you tried

10:11

again. All of those

10:13

thoughts and feelings. And unfortunately,

10:15

at this stage of the

10:18

game, it's 100 % of them.

10:20

Now, if we were talking about

10:22

this like a year ago, maybe

10:24

I'd be like, well, let's see.

10:27

But no, this has been going

10:29

on so long. I'm going to

10:31

make a bold statement and say

10:33

100 % of these thoughts and feelings

10:35

are your rainy day in Portland.

10:38

Yeah. Okay. So if you start

10:40

to label it in that way,

10:42

then it becomes a problem that

10:44

you have with your own mind

10:46

and heart instead of a problem

10:48

you have with this guy. Listen,

10:50

I would have a very easy

10:52

time sitting here and telling you

10:55

about all of the things. that

10:57

are wrong with him. It would be,

10:59

it would be too easy. I don't even know.

11:01

It would be so easy. I'm like, can we

11:03

hear one? Absolutely.

11:05

Absolutely. Okay. Will you do me a

11:07

favor? Say his full name out loud.

11:10

Yeah. Oh my

11:12

God. The thing that stands out to

11:14

me the most when I look at

11:16

him energetically is something that you kind

11:18

of already spoke to, which is he

11:20

has no intention of trying in any

11:22

way at all, unless it serves him

11:24

and he wants to. Yeah.

11:26

Yes. It's not just with you.

11:28

It's not just with, you know, developing

11:31

a career path or like making

11:33

any kind of money. It's with literally

11:35

everything. He is completely entitled, completely

11:37

self -indulgent. And even

11:40

though he's got like

11:42

sad puppy eyes and

11:44

he's got like a

11:46

tender soul, he is

11:49

a useless adult. Okay.

11:51

I'm like, I'm over him. Okay.

11:53

Well, for this moment, for this moment,

11:55

right? Because, because I'm speaking

11:57

to the thing that is like at

11:59

core, the problem that you have

12:01

with this person. Yeah. It's a

12:03

core, the problem that every person he is

12:05

friends with or dates always has problems with

12:07

because he can really choose to be there

12:09

for you. Like you could be having a

12:11

hard day and he could say all the

12:13

right things and hold you and be like

12:15

amazing if he's in the mood. But

12:18

if he's not in the

12:20

mood, he is. awful he is

12:22

dismissive disrespectful and unkind yeah

12:24

and for some reason you have

12:26

a hard time accepting that

12:28

this is who he is you

12:31

think this is who he

12:33

is because of you this is

12:35

who he is towards you

12:37

at you in reaction to you

12:39

and that's when low self -esteem

12:41

shit comes up yes if

12:44

you were to accept that this

12:46

is who this guy is

12:48

Period. Like, period. Then it would

12:50

be much easier for you

12:52

to accept that you could turn

12:54

yourself into a pretzel. You

12:56

could turn yourself into a self

12:59

-cleaning oven. Right? Like, you could

13:01

take care of everything. And

13:03

he would still be disrespectful, uncaring,

13:06

and just a fucking pain in

13:08

the ass to be around when he's

13:10

in the mood. Yeah. Now, you

13:12

know, I don't like to focus. I

13:14

don't want to encourage anyone to

13:16

over focus on their nodes in astrology

13:18

when they're young. I just don't

13:20

think it's a useful thing to focus

13:22

on in general. That said, your

13:24

north node is in Libra. And what

13:26

this means is that in this

13:28

lifetime, your soul has come here to

13:30

figure out how to be in

13:32

authentic, reciprocal relationships. And here's what you're

13:34

doing and what I think you've

13:36

been doing your whole life so far.

13:38

What you're doing is you're getting

13:40

into relationships with people who the second

13:42

you meet them, you're like, I

13:44

know how you're going to fuck me

13:46

over. I know how you're going

13:48

to hurt my feelings. I see exactly

13:50

what's wrong with you. And your

13:52

survival mechanisms say, well, I'm safer because

13:54

I see what's wrong with this

13:56

person. I see what's wrong with this

13:58

situation. And so you get into

14:01

it and you never get to be

14:03

fully seen. You never get

14:05

to have a truly reciprocal, intimate

14:07

relationship. What you

14:10

have is intensity. which mimics

14:12

intimacy, but it burns you

14:14

out and it doesn't allow

14:16

you to truly show up

14:18

as yourself because it's not

14:20

safe. Yeah. Yeah,

14:22

that totally checks out. Yeah. So

14:24

here's the fucking like hammer, unfortunately for

14:26

you, which is in your lived

14:28

experience, you're telling yourself I'm obsessing on

14:30

this guy and I keep on

14:33

going back to the sky and all

14:35

those things. But what's actually happening

14:37

is you're making a choice. to

14:39

trade out intensity for

14:41

intimacy. Because intimacy is, as

14:43

hard as intensity is,

14:45

as painful as all these

14:47

experiences are, it's like,

14:49

it's the devil you know.

14:51

Whereas intimacy, true intimacy,

14:53

but somebody who's like truly

14:55

there for you and safe, it

14:57

requires that you own your

14:59

own intensity, that you own your

15:02

own passion. And that's actually

15:04

much scarier to you. Yeah. Yeah.

15:06

In your birth chart, you

15:08

have a Mars -Jupiter conjunction

15:11

in Sagittarius intercepted in the

15:13

first house. And shorthand in

15:15

English, what that means

15:17

is that impulse control is

15:19

not your forte. No,

15:21

it's not. And you've

15:23

got like a weird set

15:25

of feelings and beliefs around

15:27

that. And so what you

15:30

do as a way to

15:32

like your unconscious strategy to

15:34

work around it. So you pick

15:36

people to date and to

15:38

be really close to who

15:40

they themselves have impulse control

15:42

issues that are bigger or louder

15:44

than yours. Is this tracking?

15:46

Yeah. So it's not your

15:48

fault that your relationship is

15:50

burning everything in its path.

15:53

It's their fault. Yeah. Yeah. That

15:55

checks out. Cause

15:57

like, I feel like I do

15:59

this with men specifically, but when

16:02

I've dated women, I feel like

16:04

I find like better partnership, but

16:06

then I'm like bouncing three months

16:08

in like, oh, you want to

16:10

be my girlfriend? I have to

16:12

go by. Okay. So you basically

16:14

just confirmed everything I've already said

16:16

to this point, right? Like when

16:18

there's actual intimacy, you are forced

16:20

to deal with your own compulsions,

16:22

your own self -destructive. impulses

16:25

and your terror and i'm going

16:27

to use that word terror of truly

16:29

being seen and having to be

16:31

accountable to that and it's for you

16:33

the way your your bisexuality is

16:36

working out it plays out with men

16:38

right men allow you to not

16:40

have to own any of your and

16:42

you never have to be truly

16:44

seen women they see you you don't

16:46

act out you don't burn the

16:49

house down kind of thing but then

16:51

you have to deal with your

16:53

own impulses and the impulse to burn

16:55

the house down and so the

16:57

way it sounds like so far you've

16:59

handled that is by not getting

17:02

into like actual relationships with women

17:04

but only doing that with men so

17:06

I don't know does that actually

17:08

make you super fucking gay and you're

17:10

just wasting your time with men

17:12

maybe or maybe it's not about you

17:14

know gender you're just kind of experiencing

17:18

this through boys versus girls. I

17:20

don't know, but you could see

17:22

why I would ask the question,

17:24

right? Yeah. I'm not

17:26

speaking per se to, you know,

17:28

date women, date men, date non -binary,

17:30

like whatever, gender, I don't care.

17:32

But what I am saying is

17:34

if what happens is you are

17:36

able to choose people who are

17:39

healthy for you when you're dating

17:41

women, that's really good information for

17:43

you to have about yourself. And

17:45

I want to encourage you

17:47

to choose people who you have

17:50

to be true to yourself around

17:52

as a way to be true

17:54

to them. The pattern you're playing

17:56

out with men at this

17:58

time, and I say at this

18:00

time so far in your adult

18:02

life, is you choose people

18:04

who have more intense impulse control

18:06

issues than you that are in

18:09

some way actively have the personality,

18:11

the nature, or the behaviors

18:13

of someone who's like not there.

18:15

who you can't rely on. Does

18:17

that track? Yeah. Okay.

18:19

And then it sounds like when

18:21

you date women, you, for whatever

18:23

weird reason, you choose people

18:25

who, when they say they're going

18:27

to be there, they're there, who

18:29

actually are interested in getting to

18:31

know you, who have better

18:33

handle on their impulses. It is

18:35

possible. That's because you're working something

18:38

out with guys that doesn't have

18:40

anything to do with intimacy.

18:42

It is also possible that It's

18:44

just easier for you to do

18:46

your self -destructive shit with guys.

18:48

To me, it's not I'm not

18:50

saying therefore date women. Although,

18:53

again, it sounds super gay

18:55

if you're choosing healthy with

18:57

women and unhealthy with men.

18:59

OK, I mean, OK, but

19:02

it's that could be you know, that could

19:04

just be a coincidence. It's not necessarily gay,

19:06

but again, it sounds a little gay. OK,

19:08

so. I was just

19:10

something funny is one time I wrote

19:12

you a question and all my little

19:14

short questions is this one's like, am

19:16

I actually gay? Yeah, I mean, that's

19:18

a fair question. It's a pretty fair

19:20

question. When it comes to sexuality, first

19:22

of all, for some people, it's a

19:24

fixed point. You know, some people are

19:26

just like gay, gay, gay. Some people

19:29

are straight, straight, straight. Some people are

19:31

something else. And that's just that fixed

19:33

point. OK, fine. But for a lot

19:35

of people, you know, it's like this

19:37

thing that. kind of ebbs

19:39

and flows and moves around some

19:41

people are asexual for periods of

19:43

their life and not and like

19:45

pretty sexual or romantic or aromantic

19:47

and different periods your sexuality may

19:49

be that you like fucking with

19:51

dudes you like having sex with

19:53

dudes but that doesn't necessarily mean

19:55

that love and intimacy is what

19:57

you have with men because what

19:59

you're showing me both what you're

20:01

telling me and also what i'm

20:03

seeing when i look at you

20:05

energetically is the intimacy that you've

20:07

experienced with men is like calamitous

20:09

yeah which is not real intimacy

20:11

it's trauma bonding yes yeah yeah

20:13

it in a way doesn't really

20:16

matter if that's like a symptom

20:18

of you actually you know maybe

20:20

women are a better healthier choice

20:22

for you or if this is

20:24

you know just what you're doing

20:26

with guys because you're just doing

20:28

it in a way it doesn't

20:30

matter Like, I don't want you

20:32

to, like, fixate on, okay, therefore

20:34

I must date women. It's not

20:36

about that. It's about recognizing your

20:38

patterns. It's about recognizing your choices. Because

20:41

whatever gender you're dating,

20:43

you are investing in and

20:45

tripling down on the

20:47

unhealthy dynamics and running as

20:49

fast as you can

20:51

from the healthy dynamics. Yes.

20:54

And that's you. That's nothing to

20:56

do with this guy that you're trying

20:58

to get over. that is just

21:00

a you thing to be able to

21:02

own right definitely yeah i think

21:04

that was part of everything is like

21:06

i kind of do know that

21:08

it's not really about him because this

21:11

has been acted out in other

21:13

relationships and i think that's part of

21:15

why i like wrote in is

21:17

i don't want to take these patterns

21:19

into future relationships but i'm not

21:21

sure if i'm always seeing myself clearly

21:23

enough to clock right that is

21:25

my pattern that is what i'm doing

21:27

And so I just, like, I

21:29

need, like, more awareness or help finding

21:31

that awareness. Okay. Okay. So here's

21:33

what I got for you. You are

21:35

currently in this thing with Joe.

21:37

I made up his name. Okay. You're

21:39

currently in this thing with Joe. And

21:42

here's the move. Don't call

21:44

him. Don't unfreeze him. Don't text

21:46

him. There's nothing to process. Everything

21:49

has been said. Everything has been tried.

21:51

There is nothing more. Now, forgive me

21:53

because I'm about to go full triple

21:55

cap corn on you. Are you ready

21:57

for that? Okay. Okay. 100

22:00

% of your obsessions, thoughts, ruminations,

22:02

100 % of you feeling like

22:04

he's better and you're worse,

22:06

100 % of you thinking he's

22:09

worse and you're better, 100 %

22:11

of your memories of the past

22:13

and your projections into the

22:15

future are your pattern and the

22:17

feelings that they trigger are

22:20

valid. The thoughts that they

22:22

trigger are part of an

22:24

obsessive compulsive style. And I don't

22:26

mean this in like, I'm

22:28

not a therapist, not in that

22:30

way, but like these behaviors

22:33

are obsessive. These behaviors are compulsive,

22:35

right? So an obsessive compulsive

22:37

style nature, Mercury and Scorpio. Okay.

22:39

And every time those thoughts

22:41

and feelings emerge inside of you,

22:43

my advice to you is

22:46

to either distract with something neutral.

22:50

Put on your favorite music. Videos of

22:52

kittens. They're very distracting. You know, that

22:54

kind of a thing. Something that is

22:56

neutral and distracting and engages your attention. Or

22:59

get to journaling. And instead of journaling about

23:01

him, don't journal about him. Journal about your thoughts

23:03

and your feelings. So there's this part of you

23:05

that wants to be like, okay, so his

23:07

parents pay for his shit and he does this

23:09

and he does that and then he does this

23:11

and he could have said that and he

23:13

could have done this and da -da -da -da. Every

23:15

time you catch yourself fixating on what he said

23:17

or did or thought or felt or could have

23:19

said or could have did, you know, all

23:21

the kind of shit, what you would then journal

23:23

about is I am fixating on what he

23:25

said and what he did. I

23:27

don't really understand why I'm fixating

23:30

on his thoughts and his feelings

23:32

when I am actually the one

23:34

who's having the thoughts and the

23:36

feelings. What am I actually feeling?

23:38

Like talk to yourself in the

23:40

journal, right? As a way to

23:42

start to understand that you're having

23:44

a hard time being in your

23:46

own emotional body and in your

23:48

own physical body and in your

23:50

own brain. And so instead of

23:52

staying with your own thoughts, feelings,

23:54

and impulses, you're fixating on something

23:56

outside of you. Does that make

23:58

sense? Complete sense. Yeah.

24:00

Okay. So I will tell you.

24:02

Let's say you take my

24:04

advice. You will be miserable. It

24:06

will be awful. I'm so

24:08

sorry. Okay.

24:12

It's terrible. I want to just acknowledge that

24:14

because what I'm recommending that you do is

24:16

exactly what you're doing now. But instead of

24:18

having an itch, having an itch, having an

24:20

itch, and then scratching the itch, and then

24:22

the itch gets itchier, and then the itch

24:25

gets like kind of sore, and it becomes

24:27

an open wound, and now you have to

24:29

wait, and then fuck, it has to scab

24:31

over, and then it has to heal. Right.

24:33

Instead of doing that whole thing, you're just

24:35

living with the itch. And the

24:37

truth is living with the itch

24:39

until the itch passes is better. It

24:42

is a shorter amount of itching. However,

24:46

your very human mind says scratch

24:48

the itch, scratch the itch,

24:50

scratch the itch. And all of

24:52

your habits and all of

24:54

your impulses say scratch the fucking

24:57

itch. So it stops itching.

24:59

And so it's breaking habits. which

25:02

is really hard to do. Yeah,

25:04

but it's what I want to

25:06

do. Yes. You're ready. You're super

25:08

ready. That's nice

25:10

to hear. You are super ready.

25:12

You are currently going through not one,

25:14

but two transits from Uranus. You've

25:16

got Uranus opposite your ascendant. It started

25:18

in June of 2024. It'll be

25:20

over in March of 2026. And then

25:22

Uranus opposite Pluto will start at

25:24

the end of May of this year.

25:26

And so these transits, you know,

25:28

One hasn't really started yet, so we're

25:31

not going to really focus on

25:33

that. But the Uranus opposition to the

25:35

ascendant means you're ready to change.

25:37

It means you're ready to change who

25:39

you choose to be in intimate

25:41

one -on -one relationships. And it

25:43

also means that between now and

25:45

March of 2026, there's a lot

25:47

of energy for you to become

25:49

different. It won't happen on its

25:52

own. That's the promise, okay? You

25:54

have to choose it. And choosing

25:56

to be different is like... taking

25:58

a really long hike somewhere that's

26:00

not always that pleasant, and you're

26:02

not sure where you're going to

26:05

end up. It's challenging. And the

26:07

truth of the matter is going

26:09

back to him or going back

26:11

to another person like him, it's

26:13

the devil you know. And there's

26:16

a lot of comfort in that,

26:18

you know. And the truth is

26:20

that most humans, we choose to

26:22

engage with the behaviors that we

26:24

know bring us pain because of

26:26

the familiarity of it. Yeah. Want

26:31

to get involved politically, but

26:34

you're not sure what to do

26:36

or where to even begin?

26:38

Calling your congressperson is a very

26:40

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26:42

as a constituent in the United

26:44

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challenged books and authors today.

29:50

Like as you're talking, I just keep thinking

29:52

about, I'm like, is this all just

29:54

like goes back to childhood? Everything

29:57

does for all of us. I'm

29:59

going to say a hard yes.

30:01

Absolutely it does. And also at

30:03

a certain point, right? And you're

30:05

right now. How old? 29. 29.

30:07

Yeah. It always goes back to

30:09

childhood. You know, if I do

30:11

readings with people in their 80s,

30:14

we talk about childhood. Your

30:16

childhood is always the base

30:18

and foundation for all of it.

30:20

You know, childhood is really,

30:22

really it. And also,

30:24

at a certain point, and that

30:26

point is post -first Saturn return, which

30:28

you are very, as of February

30:30

of 2025, you are post -Saturn

30:33

return. It is about childhood. It's

30:35

also about who you choose to

30:37

be. It's also about your choices. And

30:40

the way that we sidestep

30:42

embodying familial patterns is by choosing

30:44

differently and taking agency for

30:46

who we choose to be.

30:48

And so when we come back

30:51

to that part of you

30:53

that loves the feeling of

30:55

being in a burning building,

30:57

whether or not that makes sense

30:59

doesn't fucking matter. There's a

31:01

part of you like, that's

31:03

love. If it's burning me up

31:05

from the inside, it's love,

31:07

right? Yeah. That part

31:10

of you is a part

31:12

of you, but it doesn't

31:14

need to be the part

31:16

of you that drives your

31:18

life. There are lots of

31:20

ways of playing with our

31:22

impulses, right? You can have

31:24

a really healthy relationship with somebody who

31:26

you play fight with. You can

31:28

have a really healthy relationship with somebody

31:30

where, you know, you like basically

31:32

like play with fire in bed in

31:34

a consensual. clear way, as opposed

31:36

to in the way you do it,

31:38

which is like, just like the

31:40

actual interpersonal dynamics. Playing with your impulses,

31:42

that made a lot of sense,

31:44

like all of it. And then, but

31:46

you were saying, but what I'm

31:48

doing is, and I think maybe I

31:50

didn't quite click that. So what

31:52

you're doing is, for instance, with the

31:54

example of Joe, and Joe is

31:56

just an example. He is not the

31:58

creator of this dynamic for you.

32:00

Again, I cannot stress enough how unspecial

32:02

Joe is. Okay. And I know

32:04

he feels really special too. So I

32:06

know that's a little hurtful and

32:08

I'm so sorry. And also you're welcome.

32:10

He is not that special. It's

32:12

both, right? Yes. Yes. So,

32:15

so what you're doing with Joe

32:17

is you have this dynamic where.

32:19

everything goes great and then one

32:21

of you does something fucked up

32:23

to the other one and then

32:25

there's drama and then everything is

32:27

intense and then it's like we have

32:29

to fix it or i have

32:31

to like get rid of him

32:33

or i have to run towards

32:35

him it's like all this incredible

32:37

drama all this intensity yes so

32:39

that is self -destructive right there and

32:41

what i'm saying is there are

32:43

ways of playing with energy with

32:45

your partner Where you get out

32:47

some of the, like, I'm going

32:49

to call them willies. It's not

32:51

willies that are driving you to

32:54

do shit like that. But, like,

32:56

you can get out your intensity. But

32:58

it's not through a real

33:00

dynamic of harming each other. It's

33:03

through play. It's through just

33:05

fucking with energy in different ways.

33:07

But being true to yourself.

33:09

Right? That makes sense. Yeah. I

33:11

mean, I love when you're like, okay,

33:13

he comes over and we play and we,

33:15

like, fuck with ceramics. And we, like,

33:17

have this, like, lovely. kind of

33:19

wholesome time together, it sounds like.

33:21

It sounds really lovely when it works.

33:24

And I want to say that

33:26

it is really healthy and great to

33:28

be able to say, okay, Joe

33:30

and I have this really unhealthy, unsustainable

33:32

relationship, and there are things within

33:34

that that I like. I like how

33:37

tall he is, and I like

33:39

that he wants to hang out with

33:41

me. you know, throw

33:43

clay. And I like all these things.

33:45

And I to keep that in

33:47

mind because it's nice to know. Instead

33:50

of saying, oh my God, I have

33:52

all these things with him. They're so

33:54

amazing. How could I ever find this

33:56

with somebody else? This is so special

33:58

and unique. Do you see the difference?

34:00

Yes. Okay. Because

34:02

you are wanting to change, what

34:05

needs to change is the way

34:07

you hold your thoughts and feelings.

34:09

Trying to change your thoughts and

34:11

your feelings is, it's too bananas.

34:13

It's like too big of a

34:15

goal. Changing how you hold them,

34:18

that's actually much more achievable. Does

34:20

that make sense of the difference?

34:23

Yeah. Okay. Now, are you

34:25

dating anyone else right now? No.

34:27

Okay. And do you tend to always

34:29

be dating somebody? Yeah.

34:31

Yeah. Okay.

34:34

So that's what part of this

34:36

is for you, right? It's your fear

34:38

of being alone. compels you to,

34:40

if you're single for a certain amount

34:42

of time, then you return to

34:44

the scene of whatever last crime, right?

34:46

So you opened up our conversation

34:48

by saying, I still think about the

34:50

person I dated in high school.

34:52

Yeah. Right. And for you,

34:54

what I want to say is

34:56

that that is not magic. It's

34:58

not serendipity. It's not anything other than,

35:01

I'm guessing you also think about

35:03

genes you love that you had when

35:05

you were like 15. Oh my

35:07

gosh, yes. And actually, it was a

35:09

specific pair. They were like denim

35:11

on the front and purple velvet

35:13

in the back. Do you what I'm

35:16

saying? Do you see what I'm

35:18

saying? Yeah. It's a rainy day in

35:20

Portland. Yeah. You know, it's

35:22

a sunny day in LA.

35:24

You're treating it like it's Glenda

35:26

the Good Witch coming down

35:28

in a bubble in a technicolor

35:30

world, and it's not. It's

35:32

a sunny day in LA. It's

35:34

just how you are. fixate

35:37

on something that felt good once.

35:39

And in your sad moments or your

35:41

lonely moments or your scared moments,

35:44

you tell yourself that that was the

35:46

best thing. And if you had

35:48

that best thing once again, that you

35:50

would be better. Yeah. And that's

35:52

not true. It's just

35:54

a compulsion you have. It's not a

35:56

truth. And so... am not saying

35:58

this to you with the expectation that

36:01

you're going to stop having those

36:03

thoughts and feelings, right? You're never

36:05

going to stop believing in the jeans

36:07

with the purple butt, right? That's

36:09

real. But I want to say

36:11

that if you actually had those

36:13

jeans today, you probably wouldn't wear them

36:15

the way you think you did.

36:17

You wouldn't, right? Yeah. It's that

36:19

there's this part of you that likes

36:22

to return back. You return back

36:24

to a feeling. And it's only

36:26

because you want the feeling now. And

36:28

so the better able you are

36:30

to recognize when you're fixating on

36:32

a person or a thing, that what

36:34

you're really fixating on is the

36:36

feeling you remember having. You may

36:38

not have even had that feeling, but

36:41

the feeling that you remember having.

36:43

And that's what you're craving in

36:45

that moment. So when you fixate on

36:47

the boyfriend from being a teenager,

36:49

what you're talking about is you

36:51

were innocent. You didn't know better. It

36:53

was like a time when things

36:55

were good and you didn't know

36:57

what bad was going to feel like.

37:00

It was a different time. Yeah.

37:02

Does it resonate? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah,

37:04

it does. Yeah. And that's

37:06

not a thing that you can go

37:08

back to, right? That's

37:10

a thing of the past. Are

37:13

you somebody who's like scared of getting

37:15

old? I don't know. I

37:17

like claim that I'm not,

37:19

but I don't know. I don't.

37:21

think do you do you

37:23

kind of like idealize being young

37:25

like young -hearted but like because

37:27

like my dad he like

37:30

is so vibrant and lively and

37:32

he's older and i don't

37:34

see old as being old i

37:36

guess but i do very

37:38

much keep that spirit of like

37:40

mischief alive is very important

37:42

to me and playfulness is very

37:44

important to me what about

37:46

your mom You mentioned your

37:48

dad, but your dad's a dude, right?

37:51

So it's a weird thing to

37:53

compare yourself to only because

37:55

of how different aging is for

37:58

the genders as projected onto

38:00

us by society, right? Yeah, my

38:02

mom's just more difficult. So

38:05

my mom, I just recently,

38:07

throughout these last maybe two years,

38:09

we've been having a really

38:11

difficult relationship. I mean, obviously

38:13

prior before that, but I think

38:16

I started realizing things that she had

38:18

done to me as a child

38:20

weren't actually that okay. Yeah. And it

38:22

was like really hard for me

38:24

to set up this boundary. And so

38:26

I knew, I know this about

38:28

her, but I guess I never thought

38:30

about her in aging. And

38:32

my mom, I like, she had a

38:34

lot of health complications. I

38:36

see her being very frail and

38:38

not taking care of herself, even though

38:40

she's like six years younger than

38:42

my dad. She seems like not vibrant

38:44

and healthy. Yeah, I

38:47

mean, I guess maybe when I

38:49

see her, that does make aging

38:51

seem a little bit scary because

38:53

it's, you know, am I going

38:55

to end up like my mom?

38:57

She's always talking about how we

38:59

have like a special family disease.

39:01

And I think that she has

39:03

mental illness, severe mental illness. And

39:06

I think that that plays out

39:08

in the way she cares for

39:10

herself rather than this disease she

39:12

talks of that's named after our

39:14

family and everything. Wow. Wait,

39:16

so there's an actual family disease?

39:18

No, Jessica, I think she's making

39:20

it up. And I feel like

39:22

such a fucking asshole for saying

39:25

that or thinking that. But I

39:27

just, I genuinely feel like she's

39:29

like, I don't know, she has

39:31

dementia. I don't. know what

39:33

reality she lives in but i don't

39:35

i mean maybe it's really maybe i'm

39:37

a dick and maybe all this stuff

39:39

is so accurate but so wait she

39:41

says there's a family disease but she

39:43

hasn't told you what the family disease

39:45

is it's like an autoimmune disease that

39:47

even the doctors apparently can't figure out

39:49

and it runs in our genetics is

39:51

what she's telling you and does she

39:53

tell you this her whole life or

39:55

is that something she started talking about

39:57

recently This probably came

39:59

up maybe five to seven years

40:02

ago. Okay. And how old

40:04

is she? Do you mind if I

40:06

ask? She's born in 1969. Okay.

40:08

So she's not very old.

40:10

She's not very old at

40:12

all. But she's so frail

40:14

and feeble and she has

40:16

diabetes and she just eats

40:18

sugar all the time. She

40:20

doesn't go outside. She doesn't

40:22

go for walks. She just

40:24

doesn't take care of herself

40:26

at all. Oh, that's really

40:28

rough. Okay. So there's so

40:30

much in here, but I

40:32

want to hold this one

40:34

piece, which is your mom's

40:36

way of holding reality and

40:38

communicating makes you feel bananas.

40:40

And like, you don't know

40:42

if she says the sky's

40:44

purple and you're like, I

40:46

guess it could. Is it

40:48

purple? Like it's theoretically could

40:51

be purple, but I'm looking

40:53

and it's blue. Like it's

40:55

really, it fucks with your

40:57

sense of self and what

40:59

you're sharing. It's not that

41:01

different than what you have with Joe. Yeah.

41:03

I actually had like that thought one time

41:06

when he was at my house and I

41:08

was just listening to him talk and I

41:10

felt like you were my mom. Yeah. Yeah.

41:12

Yeah. And the way that you've handled it

41:14

with your mom, this dynamic is sometimes fighting

41:16

and sometimes just being like, well, you're my

41:18

mom and I love you. So I got

41:20

to just fucking suck it up. Yeah.

41:22

And that's what you're doing with Joe. And

41:25

that's what you've done with the guys you've

41:27

dated. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

41:29

So there's the very real issues with

41:31

your mom. Like maybe she's dealing with dementia.

41:33

She's born in 1969. She's probably going

41:35

through menopause. That could be, you know, mental

41:37

health stuff as being triggered by menopause.

41:39

Have you talked to her about that? We've

41:42

tried to talk, but I set kind

41:44

of like a boundary with her and I

41:46

told her I won't talk to her

41:48

unless she gets therapy and she won't do

41:50

that. She's not doing that. No. Okay. Yeah,

41:53

I see that. Your mom's

41:55

not doing that. Okay. So that

41:57

said, there could be any

41:59

number of things, but what's important

42:01

in the context of our

42:03

larger conversation, right, is somebody that

42:05

you love is not safe

42:07

and it's hard to know how

42:09

to be safe around them how

42:12

to show up for them

42:14

without like completely invalidating yourself like

42:16

it sounds like pure chaos but

42:18

also am i correct in

42:20

seeing that she loves you and

42:22

you love her yeah yeah yeah

42:24

so if it was like

42:26

fuck this lady i don't care

42:28

about this lady and all these

42:30

dramatic things in a way

42:32

that would be easier it wouldn't

42:34

But in a way, right, in

42:36

the context of our larger

42:38

conversation. But instead, this dynamic that,

42:41

you know, it looks to me

42:43

like this dynamic has been

42:45

playing out your whole life, even

42:47

though it might have taken a

42:49

new shape in the past

42:51

several years. Am I right about

42:53

that? No, completely. I was

42:55

I feel like I was born for

42:57

my mom to have a comfort. Yeah.

42:59

Yeah. You have a Pluto Venus

43:01

conjunction. That's not uncommon, unfortunately,

43:04

with that. Your mom. felt that

43:06

she needed to repress a whole lot

43:08

in herself. Were you raised with

43:10

religion? I was raised Catholic.

43:12

Were you guys religious when you were

43:14

being raised? Yeah, yeah. So like

43:16

growing up, we went to church every Sunday,

43:18

but my mom would sometimes just stay home

43:20

and sleep. It was more something my dad

43:22

did. I mean, it looks

43:24

like your mom, when she married your

43:26

dad, made the decision to stop being

43:29

herself. whether that's

43:31

mental health stuff whether that's like

43:33

patriarchy and her just feeling like

43:35

well now that i'm a wife

43:37

and a mother i don't get

43:39

to be a person like or

43:41

something else i don't know but

43:44

in a way it doesn't like

43:46

of course it matters but in

43:48

the context of this conversation what

43:50

is really important is that you

43:52

didn't have a safe place to

43:54

just be yourself even though you

43:56

were loved and As an adult

43:59

seeking love, you have this habit

44:01

of being enveloped by someone who

44:03

can't really see you for who

44:05

you are and who you don't

44:07

really get to be safe with.

44:09

That feels like familiar to you.

44:12

That feels like home, even though

44:14

you left home and it's not

44:16

what you want. Yeah. Yeah. For

44:18

whatever it's worth. I mean, you're

44:20

in a really big club. Like

44:22

you're in a really, really big

44:25

club. So you don't need to

44:27

like beat yourself up about that.

44:29

That's just being a person, you

44:31

know. But in order to break

44:33

this pattern and step into yourself,

44:35

it's about recognizing when that pattern

44:37

starts to emerge either in your

44:39

own thinking or feelings or in

44:41

a dynamic with someone else and

44:44

just practice being aware of it.

44:46

Yeah. Because when you're aware of

44:48

it, you can say to yourself,

44:50

all right, I want to make

44:52

a different choice. And when you

44:54

make a different choice, what ends

44:56

up happening is first you feel

44:58

worse. I mean, again, the reason

45:00

why you're not making a different

45:03

choice is because you're choosing like

45:05

the shortest, quickest way to feel

45:07

different. Yeah, I mean, like

45:09

I love to smoke weed for that

45:11

exact reason. I bet. So do you have

45:13

any mobility impairment? Like, can you jump is

45:15

what I'm asking? Yes. Okay, you

45:17

can jump. Okay. So I'm

45:19

going to give you really, what

45:21

might sound like really weird advice

45:23

before you smoke weed, before you

45:25

cyber stock someone, before you

45:28

start obsessing, jump and jump and

45:30

jump and jump. Okay. I know

45:32

that sounds weird, but you have

45:34

a Mars Jupiter conjunction in

45:36

Sagittarius intercepted your first house. And

45:38

that wants you to physically run

45:40

or to jump or to kick

45:42

or to punch. Yeah.

45:45

So. If you have like

45:47

a heavy bag or like a speed

45:49

bag and you learn how to like

45:51

do some boxing, that could work. If

45:53

you can go for a run, that's

45:55

great. But usually jumping is the quickest,

45:57

shortest thing you can do. You know

45:59

what I mean? It's also really good

46:01

for your bones. So the point is,

46:04

is to like jump up and down

46:06

thrash. If you're at work, go to

46:08

the bathroom if you can. I had

46:10

this backyard and it was full of

46:12

all these garden cats. That's what they

46:14

call them in Oakland is garden cats

46:16

are basically like just feral cats who

46:18

live in your garden. And I would

46:20

watch these cats fight each other in

46:22

a way that I'd never seen. I'd

46:25

only seen in cartoons where they became

46:27

like this massive ball of fur. And

46:29

then they were like, really were like

46:31

fucking going at each other. And there'd

46:33

be actual huge tufts of cat fur

46:35

all over the place afterwards. Have you

46:37

ever seen this in real life? i

46:39

haven't i did cartoons yeah in cartoons

46:41

exactly i'd seen it in cartoons but

46:44

i saw it in real life and

46:46

i was horrified and then these would

46:48

walk away they would sit on opposite

46:50

sides of the garden groom themselves and

46:52

be fine and the reason why they

46:54

were fine is because before they sat

46:56

down to groom themselves and lick their

46:58

wounds they shook i'm sure you've seen

47:00

cats or dogs shake their whole bodies

47:02

out right yeah It's moving adrenaline through

47:05

the body. Because when we have really

47:07

intense anxiety spikes or emotional spikes or

47:09

like spikes of trauma, all this adrenaline

47:11

gets bunked up in the body. I

47:13

am not using good psychological or physiological

47:15

terms. So don't quote me on this.

47:17

But the adrenaline, we want to let

47:19

it course through the body. We want

47:21

to shake it out because it's engaging

47:24

it. And when it's engaged, you're using

47:26

your agency. You're being more conscious. Yeah.

47:28

This is part of why people like

47:30

to stim. It's like shakes. It shakes out

47:33

energy. Yeah. No, I

47:35

feel because I started taking Kung

47:37

Fu classes. Yeah. And

47:39

I feel like that has what's brought

47:41

me to being to the point where

47:43

I'm ready to like change and be

47:45

different. Can I tell you, combat is

47:47

your BFF. Capoeira,

47:49

kickboxing, Kung Fu. Like,

47:51

I encourage you to fuck with all

47:54

of those things over the course of your

47:56

life. Combat. is your BFF.

47:58

Finding a place where it's healthy and

48:00

appropriate and boundaried to come at

48:02

something, you know, to like really come

48:04

at something is so good for

48:06

you. So if you have like kung

48:08

fu moves you want to pull

48:11

instead of jumping up and down, do

48:13

that. It's just about like really

48:15

using your body. And then you can

48:17

return to the thought or the

48:19

feeling or whatever. And you might return

48:21

different, like a little bit more

48:23

self -possessed. Yeah, that feels good. So

48:26

all of this said, have I answered

48:28

your question? I think that I

48:30

just need to do the work at

48:32

this point. I don't feel like

48:34

a lack of clarity on how to

48:36

move forward. The way you get

48:39

over your ex is stop trying to

48:41

get over your ex. Because

48:43

getting over your ex is not

48:45

super realistic because you're not really under

48:47

your ex. You're under your own

48:49

compulsions. And your compulsions are fixated on

48:51

your ex. from

48:57

high school yeah definitely do you

48:59

feel like for me it's just

49:01

best to like not have because

49:03

like okay so i i kind

49:05

of already know the answer it's

49:07

like yes be single for a

49:09

while explore that but then there's

49:11

that like part of me that

49:13

gets scared that's like but for

49:15

how long and is this like

49:17

an assignment where It's like,

49:19

okay, you have to be single for a year.

49:21

Would that be? Okay, I got the answer. I

49:23

got the answer. So first of all, if you're

49:25

scared of being single, you should totally be single.

49:27

Yes. It's just real talk. Yeah.

49:30

Be single. And if

49:32

you meet somebody who

49:34

sparks a vibe, right? Explore

49:36

it. Explore it

49:38

with clarity that you have

49:41

a series of compulsions. And

49:43

you have a series of

49:45

self -destructive behaviors with sexual romantic

49:47

partners and that you need

49:49

to take responsibility for those.

49:51

And there's no magic person

49:53

who it's worth stepping back

49:55

into those behaviors with. Yeah.

49:58

So if you're willing, so if let's say

50:00

you're like, I'm going to be single.

50:02

And then in one month you meet somebody

50:04

and you're like, vibes, vibes, I must

50:06

explore. Okay, cool. Explore. Explore them,

50:09

but don't do your patterns. And if you

50:11

catch yourself being like, oh, I've just

50:13

met this girl and I feel really safe

50:15

and like she gets me and she

50:17

respects my boundaries and we have a great

50:19

time together and now I want to

50:21

run for hills. Instead, say to

50:23

her, hey, I have a hard time

50:25

being in healthy relationships. This feels really nice.

50:27

I'm having the impulse to run. I

50:29

don't want to, but if I act weird,

50:31

that's what's up. And

50:33

stay. And if you

50:35

meet another Joe in different

50:37

clothes. Then the first time

50:40

you get evidence of him not

50:42

being accountable, not showing up, it doesn't

50:44

matter. Gender really genuinely does not

50:46

matter. I'm just using the examples you've

50:48

given me, right? If they are

50:50

not accountable, if they are an abandoner,

50:52

if they are ultimately not available

50:55

for what it is that they say

50:57

they want or what it is

50:59

you know you need, then instead of

51:01

trying to work it out, say,

51:03

this is great. This is great. This

51:05

is an example of what I

51:08

don't want. I can just choose to

51:10

not engage with it. How cool.

51:12

And then go be miserable and get

51:14

over them. Okay. So

51:17

the intention is to stay single

51:19

so that you can come to greater

51:21

self -awareness. And if the universe says

51:23

to you, okay, cool, but why

51:25

don't you practice self -awareness with this

51:27

hottie, then okay, try that. Okay. You

51:29

don't have to be rigid is

51:31

what I'm trying to get at. You

51:34

just want to stay true to

51:36

the lessons. That helps. Okay,

51:38

good. I'm so glad that helps. It

51:40

is my pleasure. And again, I'll

51:42

just reiterate, you're going through a

51:45

Uranus transit that is here to

51:47

help. And so if there's ever

51:49

a time where you can move

51:51

through your kind of compulsions and

51:53

be different, this is it. And

51:55

in 2026 or seven, I can't

51:57

remember. It's in 26 or 27.

51:59

So it's very soon in the

52:01

next year or two. Pluto is

52:04

going to trine your Venus. It's

52:06

a great time for falling in

52:08

love. So if you do your

52:10

work, actually, let me give you

52:12

the exact date of when it

52:14

starts. It begins in February of

52:16

2026. In less than a year,

52:18

you start to go through a

52:20

Pluto trine to Venus. So once

52:23

in a lifetime transit is fantastic.

52:25

Okay. Now, the cool thing about

52:27

this transit is it can bring

52:29

you really profound love. So. My

52:31

advice to you is work your

52:33

fucking buns off on this, you

52:35

know, so that when and if

52:37

love comes your way, you will

52:40

experience a different kind of love.

52:42

You have some skill accrued in

52:44

recognizing your patterns as they're happening

52:46

and making different choices within them.

52:49

Yes. Okay. Yeah. So like

52:51

working my, working my buns

52:53

off on this, just meeting,

52:55

bring. Greater clarity of

52:57

like more self -awareness,

52:59

cultivate self -awareness. Act on

53:01

your impulses differently. Yeah.

53:05

Impulse control. I know that's such

53:07

an issue. It is. It's

53:09

a running rampant theme in my

53:11

life. It's a biggie. It's

53:13

a biggie. And impulse control simply

53:15

means redirect your impulses when

53:17

your impulses tell you to run

53:19

off a cliff. It

53:22

doesn't mean. tamp

53:24

down on that impulse. I mean, maybe

53:26

in that specific example, yeah, tamp down.

53:28

But it might mean, okay, your impulses

53:30

are screaming, run off this cliff, run

53:32

off this cliff. So you turn around

53:34

and run in a different direction. You

53:36

still run, just maybe not off a

53:38

cliff. You know what I mean? So

53:40

it's not about trying to be a

53:42

person without strong impulses. It's about having

53:44

a different relationship to your impulses. So

53:46

you can, you know, cap

53:48

off the most self -destructive behaviors before

53:50

they get you in big, big

53:53

trouble. okay i hear you

53:55

okay good okay good and we

53:57

did it yes oh gosh jessica

53:59

thank Thank you. Thank you.

54:01

My pleasure. Take really good care.