0:00

Ryan Reynolds here for Mint

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Mobile. I don't know if

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you knew this, but anyone

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can get the same premium

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wireless for $15 a month

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plan that I've been enjoying.

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It's not just for celebrities,

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and have one of your

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assistance assistance to switch you

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to Mint Mobile today. I'm told

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it's super easy to do at

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Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's

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super easy to do at mintmobile.com.

0:53

The feeling is one -sided. Happy

0:57

Thursday, everyone. Well,

1:00

a funeral homeowner,

1:02

a funeral homeowner,

1:05

a funeral homeowner who hit

1:07

a corpse in a hearse

1:10

for over a year has

1:12

finally entered a plea deal. In

1:15

his defense, it's not the first time a corpse was

1:17

found in a black limo. In

1:22

a recent interview, George Clooney said there's still

1:24

one prominent Democrat that's mad at him

1:26

for telling Joe Biden to drop out of

1:28

the election. He's not saying who

1:30

it is, but they both pretended to play

1:32

doctors on TV. Right

1:38

now, former VP Kamala Harris

1:41

is the Democrat front -runner

1:43

for the 2028 election, followed

1:45

by Mayor Pete. No,

1:48

no, no. But supporters say a

1:50

minority woman and a gay guy

1:52

may remind voters of Barack Obama's

1:54

marriage. I

1:57

don't get that one. I

2:00

don't get that one. The actor who played

2:02

the child in the sixth sense, Haley

2:04

Joel Osment, was arrested

2:06

in Colorado for public

2:08

intoxication. Wow,

2:11

he's changed. I

2:14

guess his sixth sense is finding

2:16

Twinkies. Yeah, he

2:19

no longer sees dead people. He just

2:21

eats them. Oh,

2:24

kind of depressed, aren't you? Speed of

2:26

Colorado, nearly 700 women attended the

2:28

Bhutan Fest, which is an event

2:30

where hundreds of women ski naked.

2:33

It truly was the greatest day of my

2:35

life, said one man. Finally.

2:43

The colossal squid. The world's largest squid

2:45

species has been caught on video

2:47

for the first time. In response,

2:49

guess who just made 2 ,000

2:51

gallons of marinara sauce? Yeah.

2:54

Saw that one coming. All right.

2:57

Let's do a monologue. Boy.

3:00

Not crazy about the jokes tonight, are you? Well, screw

3:02

you. Last

3:04

weekend, a self -identified queer

3:06

scientist was busted for

3:08

bombing a Tesla dealership

3:10

and the Republican Party

3:12

headquarters in Albuquerque. So

3:15

what's a queer scientist? It's

3:18

like a

3:20

regular...

3:22

It's like a regular scientist,

3:24

but has sex. But

3:28

did you notice something that's comically

3:31

sad? Every person who attacks Tesla

3:33

has been arrested because the cars

3:35

have cameras. That's why when

3:37

I walk past one, I make sure to flex

3:39

my butt. True,

3:42

these idiots have been caught more times on

3:44

camera than my house guests when they use

3:46

the bathroom. But you

3:48

think the Dems, having seen that repeated

3:50

outcome, might have stopped egging their

3:53

constituents on a crusade of vandalism and

3:55

violence? You think maybe they should

3:57

have considered what happens to people who

3:59

don't have the expensive lawyers like

4:01

they do after they follow

4:03

their advice? Each vandalized

4:06

Tesla dashes another confused man's dream

4:08

of one day moving out of

4:10

a Newark airport's men's room. Not

4:13

one single dem

4:15

who called Musk Hitler to galvanize

4:17

the mob has spoken out on

4:19

behalf of those arrested. They

4:21

led these lemmings off the cliff and then pretend

4:24

they didn't exist. They're just useful

4:26

idiots like the children that work in

4:28

my handbag factory. We'll

4:32

be back with more Gutfeld. The

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PC gave us computing power at home,

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us do it pretty much anywhere. Now

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Generative AI lets us communicate with technology

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in our own language using our own

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you're living through it is a totally

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leaders will share what they're learning to

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help you navigate all this change with

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confidence. Please join us. Listen and

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subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

6:08

It's the tiny hands that make this stitching. It's

6:11

a reoccurring trap. The Dems create a fiction,

6:14

say it's true even though they know it's not.

6:16

They let the mob do their job, then

6:18

they cut them loose like their name was Chris

6:20

Wallace. The

6:24

latest fiction, The Maryland

6:26

Dad. But

6:28

the Dems even suckered themselves on

6:30

this. Do you think Van

6:32

Hollen would have flown to El Salvador had

6:34

he known he was rescuing an abuser

6:36

with a history of violence? Well,

6:38

maybe. I mean, he

6:40

did vote against the Lake and Riley

6:42

Act. But now he flew thousands

6:45

of miles to save a dirtbag. If

6:47

their security did a cavity search, they'd

6:49

find his head. Thank

6:54

you. Good butt joke. But

6:59

my guess is he figured this virtue

7:01

signal would put him on the media's map

7:03

so he booked a flight. Mid

7:06

-air, the news breaks, and suddenly he's in

7:08

a trap of his party's making. Can't

7:10

you just see him after he saw the

7:12

news on his phone, bawling his eyes

7:14

out and banging on the cockpit door? Please,

7:16

you gotta turn this thing around. I

7:19

left my wallet in the... at Dulles. Or

7:21

Dulles. Dulles.

7:26

So just like a dumbking keying a

7:28

car, he looks like a fool. And

7:31

what's next for him? Well, what's

7:33

next for those students caught on

7:35

video tearing down hostage posters, screaming on

7:37

behalf of Hamas? Good luck getting

7:39

a job. Besides a primetime slot

7:41

on MSNBC. Or what

7:43

if the activists arrested for blocking traffic

7:45

or trashing art museums? Their future

7:47

is as bright as Stevie Wonder's

7:49

career as an NHL goalie. No,

7:56

it's cuz he's black

7:59

So

8:03

once

8:07

these misguided dopes are led to this

8:09

place who leads them out? No one

8:12

they were used a means to an

8:14

end like when I dated a Kardashian And

8:18

how many libs were told Trump was

8:20

Hitler, Musk imitated a Nazi, or that

8:22

Doge was stealing their benefits, and then

8:24

sent death threats that got him picked

8:26

up? The list goes on. But

8:28

all of these narratives they use have one thing

8:30

in common. Each one is the new

8:32

thing, not the real thing. It's

8:35

the novelty of a new lie to replace

8:37

the debunked old one. After their

8:39

previous hoax gets fact -checked, they move

8:41

to the next one before you can

8:43

figure out that you were bamboozled in

8:45

the first place. It's how we ended

8:47

up getting something like queers for Palestine, which

8:50

is as absurd as boners for

8:52

Rosie O'Donnell. Rather

9:00

than focusing on real solutions to

9:02

real problems, the left creates lies to

9:04

sway public opinion. And some indeed

9:06

get swayed enough to shoot a president,

9:08

trash your car, defend violent gang

9:10

members from other countries. The

9:13

Dems act as the marionette, riling

9:15

constituents into a frenzy against

9:17

the evil they were told existed.

9:19

They've set these traps for years, entangling

9:22

the vulnerable into a web of deceits.

9:24

But the reign of lies will come to an

9:26

end once voters realize they're being led down the

9:28

path towards their own self -destruction,

9:30

fighting a mirage that wasn't there,

9:32

and left among the rubble a

9:35

fool like Van Hollen trying to book a

9:37

flight back from El Salvador with nothing

9:39

in his hand but his own dick. And

9:43

a tiny bag of

9:45

peanuts. Let's

9:47

welcome Ariel tonight's

9:49

guest. Listen ad -free

9:51

with a Fox News podcast

9:53

plus subscription on Apple podcasts

9:55

and Amazon Prime members can

9:57

listen to this show ad -free

9:59

on the Amazon music app. It

10:02

is time to take the quiz. It's five

10:04

questions in less than five minutes. We ask

10:06

people on the streets of New York City

10:08

to play along. Let's see how you do.

10:11

Take the quiz every day at the quiz dot

10:13

box. Then come back here to see how you

10:15

did. Thank you for taking the quiz.