0:00

I'm looking for a mom friend

0:02

that wants to talk about motherhood,

0:04

parenting, mental health, marriage, friendships, and

0:06

more. Unfiltered, of course. A

0:08

mom friend that wants to feel less alone in

0:10

all of her seasons of life. If

0:12

this is you, let's be friends. Come on

0:14

over and listen to Mama Knows wherever you

0:16

get your podcasts. Welcome

0:21

to Help Me Be Me. I'm your host,

0:23

Sarah Mae Bates. I'm a writer, director,

0:25

mom, and a breakup coach with an

0:28

MAMFT. And this podcast is kind

0:30

of like a personal relationship in that I talk to

0:32

you like you're my friend. I provide

0:34

tools to help you feel more grounded,

0:36

empowered, inspired, and most of all, help

0:39

you see yourself. This is

0:41

aimed at creating more harmony and happiness in

0:43

the relationship you have with you so

0:45

you can better guide your life and also be

0:47

better to those you love. Take

0:50

what helps and leave the rest. This

0:52

is not a diagnosis for treatment. If

0:54

you're really struggling, call your local emergency

0:57

services. Hi

1:06

friends, this is Sarah and this is

1:08

an episode I'm calling overcoming the inner

1:10

committee. It's for guiding

1:12

your life by filtering your thoughts. And

1:15

the inner committee is what I would say is

1:18

the cast of characters in your mind. They

1:20

voice fears, judgments, criticisms, rules for

1:23

what you can and will do.

1:25

And they generally limit

1:27

our beliefs about life. I sometimes

1:30

refer to our mind as a stage on

1:32

which actors are performing

1:34

scenes. And

1:36

I'm calling you the

1:39

holistic reflective self, the one

1:41

who is kind of

1:43

the watcher. Like you are not the thoughts

1:46

themselves, but you are the inner

1:48

child or the awareness that

1:51

is kind of witnessing all that is happening

1:53

in your body and experiencing the

1:55

kind of blips of energy that are

1:57

created by important

2:00

note I want to call out, you

2:02

might want something different for

2:05

your life than your thoughts are

2:07

promoting. And this episode is really

2:09

about being capable of guiding your

2:11

life, despite the chatter in

2:14

your mind and taking steps to

2:16

move forward, despite them. And even if

2:18

they're like screaming the opposite

2:20

at you, the Interact

2:22

Committee can be really powerful and

2:25

fear inducing and we react

2:27

to them. And that can hinder a

2:29

lot of really positive change. And

2:32

so this is really an episode about revoking

2:34

that ability to control you and instead being

2:36

guided by something deeper, something

2:39

that's more gut based. And

2:41

I would say

2:43

that's like fostering kind

2:46

of like a core foundational

2:48

self and being able to even

2:50

know what that is, like where it is, what's the difference.

2:53

So who is this for? This is

2:56

for anyone who feels they're holding themselves

2:58

back with rumination, ambivalence, self-limiting

3:00

beliefs. So

3:04

in this episode, there are three parts, the what,

3:06

the why, and the how, the tools. Part

3:09

one, the what. Negative

3:11

thought patterns that hold you back. Maybe

3:13

that's from action. Maybe that's from

3:15

happiness. The thoughts might

3:17

be intensely negative. They're all

3:20

different tonalities. They're all different

3:22

personalities. They're all different forms

3:25

of logic, all different leanings. And

3:28

the real suffering here is that they all

3:30

feel like you, like it's, it can drive

3:32

you crazy because it can feel like, well,

3:35

what's the real me? I feel really strongly

3:37

all of these different things at different times.

3:40

So in basic terms,

3:43

these are the voices of

3:45

your ego. And I think of the ego as

3:47

like your operating system, just like

3:49

your phone has an operating system. That's your

3:51

operating system that's developed by like

3:55

the computer that analyzes the data that

3:57

is your life experience. So

3:59

things. Things like trauma, moments

4:01

of powerlessness where you like made an imprint

4:03

of like, never fucking do this again. Internal

4:08

projections on your environment

4:10

that are based on what has not

4:12

worked for you or has scarred you

4:14

in your childhood and in your adulthood.

4:17

So these are the rules that have been kind

4:19

of set up in your mind to keep you

4:22

functioning, these voices. However,

4:25

a lot of them are not true,

4:29

like they're like shaped by an emotional

4:33

response you had to something at

4:35

a young age, for example. And

4:37

a lot of them are not helpful

4:39

to growth because they are designed to

4:42

keep you safe. They're designed to keep

4:44

you limited and maintain the status quo

4:46

of safety. So in

4:49

that framework that you have set up in

4:51

your brain, you

4:54

have this impulse to

4:56

grow out of something, let's say. You're like,

4:58

I want to take a leap and I

5:00

really actually don't like that I'm stuck in

5:02

the sameness. It's not making me

5:05

happy. I really want that up there. And

5:08

so what will happen is you'll kind of swing, a pendulum

5:10

will swing where you'd be like trying desperately

5:12

to go for that thing. And

5:15

then all the voices of sameness will be like,

5:17

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We actually like this thing.

5:19

It's actually helping us. It's keeping us so safe.

5:21

It's got this good thing, this good thing, this

5:23

good thing, this good thing. And

5:25

so you get this ambivalence rumination

5:28

and ambivalence can be crippling.

5:31

They can be more

5:34

agony than like being in legit

5:36

agony. Like it's, it'll

5:38

make you feel like miserable just

5:41

because you're stuck in

5:43

inaction. And sometimes we have

5:45

so many thoughts that go in circles. They

5:47

make us miserable and they

5:49

make us resent ourselves. They make us also

5:52

look down on ourselves for our own inaction.

5:54

And that can induce

5:57

depression, like a sense of. lack

6:01

of agency of self-loathing.

6:06

And sometimes because these, you know,

6:08

thoughts or this this committee will tell

6:10

us not to go toward

6:12

things that will actually make us happier, we will

6:17

stop or revert in the

6:19

process of something that we

6:21

previously chose and committed to

6:23

that we genuinely wanted. So

6:26

this is really about

6:28

how to direct your behavior toward that

6:31

which genuinely rewards you and

6:34

helps you to design your life

6:36

from a safe place, an emotionally

6:38

safe place. Because from an emotionally

6:40

safe place where we're

6:42

not driven by fear, we're not reacting

6:44

to something that's a negative symptom, we

6:47

see clearly what we want. When there's no like

6:49

downside attached to that thing, we're like I know

6:51

what I want, I want that. And

6:53

it's like it becomes pure and simple, it

6:56

just is. So how do we how

6:58

do we act based on those priorities? What

7:01

we have to do to begin with

7:03

is start to build a language like

7:05

a hierarchy, an internal hierarchy, for

7:08

which thoughts are you and which

7:11

thoughts are just these what

7:14

I'm gonna call like little impulse, fear

7:16

of pain, triggering thoughts,

7:19

the things that are based on old trauma that are built

7:22

to keep you safe but are not

7:24

necessarily helpful

7:27

anymore. Like you're trying to grow out of them.

7:30

So this is for growing out of the thoughts that are

7:32

not serving you. A

7:34

major caveat for this episode, you

7:36

cannot think your way out of people

7:41

that are in your life. Like if you're

7:43

if a lot of your suffering is caused

7:45

by reacting to another

7:47

person's negative behavior, that is

7:49

a factor that you cannot

7:52

change just with thinking. You

7:55

can however alter your

7:59

response to that. that information and

8:02

remove your participation in like

8:04

patterns that are causing you

8:06

to get confused and off

8:08

balance and enmeshed

8:10

in like whatever their bullshit is. That's

8:13

a huge piece of what causes a lot of

8:15

suffering is us getting trapped

8:17

in the logic of somebody else's

8:20

sickness and being like, but

8:22

wait, I didn't say that, but what are

8:24

you, I don't mean, like it can be

8:26

blinding to your own self-definition. So I

8:29

have some tools that will hopefully help in

8:31

that area, but it's,

8:35

if you have somebody negative in your life

8:37

that is dysfunctional, if you remove that piece

8:40

of the puzzle, everything

8:43

gets so much more doable. Like it, it's

8:45

probably not you, you know, if you're, if

8:47

you're suffering because of somebody else in your

8:49

life, if you get rid of

8:51

that source of suffering, a lot

8:54

of the pain and fucked upness in

8:56

your life just evaporates instantly. So I

8:59

just want to throw that caveat out there. However,

9:01

if you are in living in a current

9:03

state of ambivalence, I

9:05

know it's, it's probably really

9:07

disheartening and frustrating because you likely

9:10

don't know yourself. You likely

9:12

don't trust yourself. And because

9:14

you are unable to act or

9:16

have very strong oppositional opinions in

9:18

a single day, you

9:21

might have intense anxiety

9:23

and fear that makes you

9:26

feel like you just can't act in any

9:28

direction. Part two,

9:30

the why. Why

9:32

do we have this committee? It's

9:34

like, as I said, a computer that has

9:37

been trained on prior scenarios. Many

9:40

of this committee were really essential at

9:42

several points in your life. However,

9:44

when it comes to growth

9:46

and newness and risk, bursts

9:49

of change or change that

9:52

it requires, do you initiate loss? The

9:55

committee is counterproductive because they are based

9:57

in the old, they are primitive, they're

9:59

reductive. and they

10:02

are reductive to future outcomes. So

10:04

their models are basically predicting as far as

10:07

they can see and you can see.

10:09

And so they don't know the expanse of possibilities.

10:12

And that doesn't mean

10:14

that they're bad. I

10:17

mean, they have served, they all have a place

10:19

at the table. We just have

10:21

to put them in context. Cause

10:23

many of the operating commands that they

10:26

utter are basically just saying

10:28

like, stay within these lines, stay within

10:30

these lines. This is what's working for

10:32

us. We've learned over time that this

10:34

is what works for us. And

10:36

it doesn't mean that that's not all healthy

10:38

and positive and helping you stay functioning. It

10:40

is. It just means

10:42

that sometimes we

10:45

want something different. We want something new.

10:48

And this

10:50

is one of those things

10:52

that I think we can understand, take

10:55

in, appreciate, and then start to

10:57

guide our life from a deeper

10:59

place. And that will

11:02

always, you always

11:04

know. It's like, I

11:06

guess it's like fostering an inner sense of knowing.

11:09

I will also say the committee, some members of the

11:11

committee can be really harsh and

11:13

hurtful and keep you

11:15

feeling small and keep you feeling

11:18

like living in old belief systems.

11:21

Because I will say

11:23

without a doubt, like one of

11:25

my favorite Al-Anon slogans is, if

11:27

I got to decide my life,

11:29

I would always end up short-handed.

11:32

And that is because as a

11:34

controlling person who has been through

11:36

trauma, I would always

11:38

choose something so small for myself.

11:41

If I had control over every

11:43

event in my life, I

11:45

would choose something that was not good for me. And

11:47

therefore this is really about being

11:50

guided from an aspirational place

11:53

and a sense of trust and

11:55

acceptance. And just heading

11:57

for the mountaintop, just heading for the mountaintop,

11:59

energized. and letting go of

12:02

that need to control how it

12:04

happens and what is. What

12:09

is outside of our reach that

12:11

is positive and loving is

12:13

like where we all want to head for

12:15

our lives. So with

12:17

that, let's get to part three, the how,

12:19

the tools. But first, a

12:22

brief word from our sponsors. Sometimes

12:25

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12:28

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13:13

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19:01

The first tool, the name, naming

19:04

the committee. So this is

19:06

inspired by my friend, Lori Burns

19:08

new book. She's one of my heroes. Her book's not

19:11

out yet. I'm going to have her on the show

19:13

when the book comes out, but she has changed

19:16

the fucking world. She

19:18

is amazing. She's just reformed the

19:20

foster care system and I mean

19:22

saved so many kids and I'll put a

19:25

link to her organization, the teen project and

19:27

the show notes of this show. If you

19:29

want to donate to a very worthy cause,

19:31

like every dollar goes to so much. Like

19:34

you have no idea. So

19:37

anyway, I'm going to have her back on the show. But like

19:39

one thing in her book that really struck me is

19:41

she refers a lot to her inner committee and

19:44

her committee, her inner committee

19:46

of thoughts has been created by

19:48

really profound traumas. She's a former

19:50

prostitute heroin addict, been in mental

19:52

asylums and gone

19:55

through a lot of shit. So her

19:57

committee is pretty harsh and like. Uh,

20:00

not so rational at times or can

20:02

be severe and also

20:04

has a reason to be severe because

20:07

legit terrible stuff has happened to her. So

20:10

anyway, she has overcome her committee and I

20:12

think we can all do so as well

20:14

based on probably not having the

20:16

same level of suffering as her, but who knows

20:18

maybe you have. Um, but I

20:20

think one thing that also happens is

20:24

the committee can be created by moments

20:26

when you have felt

20:28

worthless. That is a huge,

20:31

um, motivator for self-protective

20:34

mechanisms is how do

20:37

you defend against that feeling of

20:39

utter worthlessness? And so a

20:42

lot of your committee members might be like judgy

20:44

and so mean and

20:47

doubting you and telling you how stupid

20:49

you are or ugly you are or incapable

20:51

you are or talentless or, um,

20:55

seedy, untrustworthy, fill in the blank,

20:57

whatever those things are. This is

21:00

the assignment. Get your journal or

21:02

your phone. I want to invite

21:04

you to name your cast. Like what are

21:06

the voices that come up in your head

21:09

that talk you into things or out

21:11

of things? And some

21:14

of those voices are likely positive

21:16

and grounding. Some are probably very

21:18

fearful. Some are probably really angry.

21:21

Some of them are probably pretty mean. Some

21:23

of them are very practical. Some

21:26

are logical. Some are kind

21:28

of like a Tracy flick from,

21:30

um, election that

21:32

movie, which is amazing. Anyway, name them,

21:34

whatever they are mine. I have a

21:36

Tracy flick for sure. I also have,

21:39

um, kind of like a 15

21:41

year old Sarah that's like super mean

21:43

and judgy and like

21:46

perfectionistic, super dysfunctionally perfectionistic,

21:49

whatever makes sense for you. If you want to

21:51

go for names like Lori has like negative

21:53

Nelly and things like that. But like, if you want to have

21:56

names that are just like me

21:58

at 15, for example. Just

22:00

get to know what they say.

22:02

Like, what are the voices trends,

22:05

you know? Judgey,

22:07

grumpy, angry. And

22:10

the thing to do is to recognize

22:13

when a thought comes to your mind that

22:15

is not serving you, that's

22:19

all it has to be. It's something that's

22:21

in conflict with your happiness. It's in

22:23

conflict with a feeling

22:25

of safety and rational

22:28

groundedness. Whatever that thought is, sometimes

22:30

they come out of nowhere. I'll

22:33

have a thought that's like, oh, that

22:35

girl does not know how to dress. And I'll

22:37

be like, whoa, ouch, no thank you. I

22:40

don't like talk like that in here. And I'm like,

22:43

it's not even affecting me, but I'm like, oh, that's

22:45

going to trend in a

22:47

not positive, healthy direction for me

22:49

because that's just bouncing back on

22:52

my internal mirror. So

22:54

whatever it is, the

22:57

goal here is as soon as

22:59

you notice a thought like that that's not

23:01

aligned with just let's call

23:03

it generic peace, peace

23:05

and groundedness, separate from the

23:07

thought and see it as something external.

23:10

Like, oh, there's my outdated operating

23:12

system just in your mind's eye.

23:15

Oh, that's not true. That's not nice. That's

23:17

not helpful. And

23:20

go from there. If that does not help

23:22

you, if you find that that causes you to

23:24

spin out in that moment of resistance, the

23:27

alternate version of this tool is

23:29

as soon as you notice that figure come up, you

23:32

can say, thank you

23:34

for trying to help. That's

23:37

it. Thank you for trying to help me. I don't

23:39

need you, but thank you so much. Thank you so

23:41

much for your comment and allow

23:43

that person to be there, but very

23:45

much put them outside of you. It's

23:48

like mentally just taking a third-person perspective

23:50

on who they are and what their

23:52

motives are from and seeing them as

23:54

like my choice to follow

23:56

or not. The goal here is

23:58

just to see. their motives

24:00

as separate and act

24:02

despite them, being able to even

24:05

notice how you can act despite

24:08

them. Because really what we're

24:10

starting to learn here is to be able to act

24:12

from a deeper place. If

24:15

it helps you to visualize, if you've

24:17

seen Caddyshack, there's the gopher, there's

24:20

the gopher character, and the gopher dance, when

24:22

the gopher dances, it's like you can see

24:24

that gopher is being guided by a large

24:27

arm in the ground. And

24:29

this is like you moving from

24:32

your gut. You are being guided

24:34

by a deeper, more resolute arm.

24:38

And that is sometimes able to move

24:40

your body despite whatever your thoughts are

24:43

doing. Literally you can move your body

24:46

without consulting your brain. And

24:48

this is exactly how I

24:50

overcame drug addiction and

24:53

eating disorder. Sometimes a

24:56

lot of the time, I would literally just run

24:58

out the fucking door. I would walk out the

25:00

front door, if I'm triggered, and I'm like, what

25:02

am I gonna do? Am I gonna start to

25:04

use? Am I gonna start to? I would walk

25:07

out the door and go on a walk and

25:09

put on a podcast. I'd be taking control away

25:11

from my ability to think. And

25:13

the first thing we need to do is

25:15

go really deeply into something

25:18

somatic, something body, something grounded,

25:20

something, some action that is

25:22

removing your ability to focus

25:24

on your thoughts. Really

25:26

loud breathing exercises. Like if you plug your

25:28

ears and do even deep breaths, that's like

25:30

a really good way to just shut, make

25:33

your brain shut the fuck up. I invite

25:35

you to like really think on what your

25:38

tools are that

25:40

get you to have some

25:42

sense of silence in your brain.

25:46

And what I call those

25:48

are zag moments. Like my brain is

25:50

about to decide something terrible that

25:52

I know deep down I don't want.

25:54

How can I zag? How can I

25:56

throw myself into a totally different felt

25:59

experience? that will really take

26:02

my brain energy to focus

26:04

on. So cold showers, hot

26:07

baths, conversations with friends while

26:10

doing something physical. I would

26:13

literally jog around this reservoir

26:15

for hours listening to podcasts.

26:17

And then if I

26:19

was still feeling triggered, I would go to

26:21

a yoga class at like eight o'clock at

26:23

night. It was exhausting, but it was like

26:25

only for a specific amount of time that

26:28

I really didn't feel like I could align

26:30

my behavior. You know, it was like about a consistent

26:33

month or two, but you're

26:35

basically trying to outrun your trigger. So

26:37

I remember driving, you know, somewhere and I

26:39

would like be driving to get

26:41

food. And I was like, oh no, I'm

26:43

fucking doing my binging again. And I would

26:45

turn to it like a road. I

26:48

would turn myself around to a different and drive

26:50

a different direction. That was one way I was

26:52

just redirecting. We're just trying to delay the trigger

26:54

response, delay as much as possible. All

26:58

right, next tool, the

27:00

God Box. If that word triggers you,

27:02

let's call it the

27:05

Good Box, the Intentions Box. This

27:08

is, I put this in many episodes, but I

27:10

think it's really important for this topic in particular,

27:14

because rumination is the like,

27:17

the most devastating part of this thing. It's like the ambivalence

27:19

and not being able to stop the thoughts and

27:21

or discern which ones are more true. So

27:24

whatever is spinning in your head, just

27:27

put it in, write it down on a

27:29

piece of paper, leave it to

27:31

the universe and put it in

27:33

the box. Find a like beautiful ornate box

27:35

or a shoe box, whatever it is, this

27:37

is your place to put things that are

27:39

your genuine intentions. And

27:43

then put this, write this thing down, whatever

27:45

it is, my relationship, whether or

27:47

not to stay or go, write it on the piece of paper,

27:50

put it in the box and like

27:52

know that that is done. That is not for

27:54

you to solve anymore. You are

27:57

just practicing acceptance over

27:59

powerlessness. And it's super

28:02

simple. As soon as you do

28:04

that, you are relinquishing your ability

28:07

to control the outcome. And

28:10

you are accepting whatever is

28:12

right. I want whatever is right

28:14

to happen. That is what I

28:16

wish for for myself. And

28:19

so really, if you

28:22

are freaked out about this, I get it. It feels

28:24

a little spooky and I'm like, but I don't wanna

28:26

lose control. Just to initiate

28:28

this process and see, just start to get in

28:30

the rhythm of it, feel it out. The first

28:32

assignment I wanna give you is

28:35

to place within this

28:37

box a written goal for yourself.

28:41

Nothing terrifying, just something

28:43

super simple like, my

28:45

goal is to be aligned.

28:49

I wanna be able to act based

28:51

on my own best interests. I

28:54

wanna be able to love myself. I

28:56

wanna be a friend to

28:59

myself. Whatever it is,

29:01

your words, just put that in the box. And

29:04

start small, just

29:06

start really small. The

29:08

first step of this entire episode,

29:11

this entire process, is for you

29:13

to just choose to invest in

29:16

yourself and

29:19

invest in the relationship with yourself and

29:21

really start to get to know and

29:23

trust yourself. That's like the truest goal.

29:26

Because we have to build that knowledge,

29:28

that intention from the ground up. We have

29:30

to start really, really, really

29:33

small. Every step we take, it'll

29:36

feel trivial. It'll feel almost like

29:38

this isn't doing shit, but it

29:40

is. So I have

29:43

a metaphor I like to

29:45

use. Imagine you are

29:47

dating yourself. You have

29:49

just met you and you

29:51

are courting you and you have

29:53

to treat yourself that nicely. Like,

29:57

I wanna be super gentle, super smart.

30:00

super supportive, do sweet

30:02

things, surprise me, give

30:05

me like very special little gestures, affection,

30:07

all of the things you would do

30:09

if you were dating somebody new and

30:11

you were excited about that. And

30:15

I know that it's hard to do this, but including

30:19

really filter out the thoughts you have in your

30:21

mind. And if they're not nice,

30:24

separate from them and be like, hey, no, thank

30:27

you. That doesn't, that doesn't feel nice.

30:30

No, thank you. I dismiss you. All right.

30:32

Next tool, wiggle the

30:35

truck. So this is for thoughts that

30:37

are very black and white that are harsh

30:40

or fear based. This is

30:42

a thought exercise that I've got. I, I, is

30:44

inspired by a lot of Byron Katie's work. When

30:47

we have any strong negative thought, one

30:50

thing, like it's usually a fear. I

30:52

can't, I can't

30:54

possibly do that. Or I'm never

30:57

ever going to get over this. Or, uh, this

31:01

person is so

31:05

mean to me, whatever it is

31:08

to wiggle the truck. We

31:10

all, all we have to do is ask ourselves,

31:15

is that thing true

31:18

or is the opposite also true?

31:21

Maybe I feel the opposite about this thing.

31:25

Maybe I actually do like this thing.

31:27

Whatever the thought is, the exercise

31:30

is to imagine yourself genuinely

31:33

feeling the opposite

31:35

way and just imagining

31:37

it, imagining, is there a way

31:39

that I actually do like this thing? Is there a

31:41

way that I actually, there is a benefit to this

31:43

thing? It's like wiggling a truck that is stuck

31:45

in the mud. And when we

31:48

can practice believing the opposite

31:50

for just a second, we can see

31:52

that there are shades of gray in

31:54

everything. It gets us out of

31:56

a black and white state of thinking. And it also

31:58

allows us. to take a

32:01

little bit more accountability and soften.

32:05

It's about like taking our need

32:09

to control and

32:12

resist things out,

32:15

which allows for more change and

32:17

growth and compassion for

32:19

ourselves. It also helps us to not

32:21

be so rigid in

32:24

our inability to change. All

32:27

right, next tool. Why

32:30

have I chosen this tool? This

32:33

is a reflection or a frame

32:36

and it's to ask why

32:38

things in your life that you don't

32:40

like exist. So the exercise

32:42

is to ask, what

32:45

is this helping me do currently? For

32:48

example, like when you have a person we

32:50

know we don't love, but

32:53

we are keeping them in our lives despite that, what

32:56

is this helping me do? What is this

32:58

bringing into my life? Like what is the

33:00

benefit that I have actually chosen for myself

33:02

right now? And oftentimes

33:05

it's something very functional and healthy. Like

33:08

for example, it's

33:10

giving you control because you

33:12

feel incredible pain and powerlessness

33:16

when you are not in control. Or

33:18

if you are deceiving somebody

33:21

and you are getting your happiness from somebody else, it's

33:23

like, this is the only

33:25

way that it's distant

33:28

enough from me that I

33:30

can tolerate the stress of this relationship.

33:32

Like that is a conscious choice that's

33:34

keeping you safe. We're

33:37

always self-medicating with different things.

33:40

And they all make sense for us at different

33:42

times. All

33:45

right, the next tool is a, what

33:47

I'm calling reflection or

33:49

a frame. When

33:52

you are experiencing

33:55

something that's causing you a lot of ambivalence,

33:57

I think we're like, all

33:59

right. but I do really like this thing, it

34:01

is helping me do these things and I probably

34:05

shouldn't even try. Give

34:08

it the end of life test, that's the frame. At

34:11

the end of your life, you're looking back, your

34:13

life could end tomorrow. Would

34:16

it be worth it? Your life

34:18

has been lived, you are old, what

34:20

now is your judgment of this situation?

34:22

Was it worth it? Or is

34:25

it more of an active

34:28

violation of your life that

34:30

you allowed yourself to make

34:33

the decision to not

34:36

take action? When we remain

34:38

in a state of ambivalence, I

34:40

always call it masturbation because it's like a

34:43

self-indulgent act of

34:46

staying the same. It is in itself

34:48

a choice. By

34:50

staying in a state of inaction, I

34:53

would say that's a worse violation of

34:55

your life because you're just choosing to

34:57

live as a dead person. It's like

34:59

a denial of life, a pause button,

35:01

a decision to hide. And

35:04

I think that's worse than being active

35:07

in the fight or active in the like

35:09

crawling through the mud or fill in the

35:11

blank, whatever is gonna happen. At

35:14

least be active in growth.

35:16

Make a choice, give it the end of

35:18

life frame and

35:20

make a choice to be active in

35:23

a state of change. As

35:25

small as that is, as soon as you're

35:27

in a state of change, I'm working on

35:29

the clay, I'm molding it in front of myself, then

35:32

it's like, it's immediate relief. I'm

35:35

actually moving towards something now. It's

35:37

such a relief. Okay,

35:40

next tool is a meditation. I

35:42

like to do this right before I go to bed.

35:45

I think it's just helpful for starting

35:48

to target the true you

35:50

and starting to really hone in on what

35:53

aligns with my values. What am I proud of? What am

35:55

I not proud of? It's super simple. Right

35:57

before you go to bed, ask yourself, what

35:59

did I do? do well today? What am I proud

36:01

of today? And then

36:04

relive those things. And then

36:06

also ask, what did I not do so well?

36:09

What would I like to change in

36:11

the next instance of the situation? It's

36:14

really just starting to practice being

36:18

honest with yourself and like starting to notice,

36:20

like this is what I tell people who

36:22

are self-sabotaging, it hurts you

36:24

because you are good. Like

36:28

the things that don't line up with us

36:30

hurt. And that just shows you

36:32

where you are. Like it shows you where you stand.

36:34

So really like take notice of that at the end

36:36

of your day. All

36:38

right, the next tool, my

36:41

why. This is a journal exercise. I

36:43

wanted to invite you to take an

36:45

inventory of just

36:48

the raw materials. Like

36:51

you as a person are basically a

36:53

research paper of

36:56

your favorite people and also

36:58

all of your unprocessed losses and

37:01

also all

37:03

of the most impactful

37:07

fears, like moments

37:09

of no power. And

37:12

so as an exercise, I would just

37:14

invite you to write all of that

37:16

down. Like what are my raw materials?

37:18

What is my why? For all that

37:20

is not working in my life and

37:23

all that, all the areas I'm stuck and

37:26

just really look at the motivators in

37:28

your current life situation, like separate them

37:31

into a bulleted list because

37:33

I think you'll be surprised to see

37:35

that a lot of the motivators are

37:38

not reflective of your

37:40

values. Like we're not deciding

37:42

them based on a value that we have for

37:44

ourselves. We're deciding them from

37:48

a medication standpoint, like a

37:50

self-medication standpoint. There are things

37:53

that we once we can identify them and

37:55

like highlight them, like I'm doing

37:57

this because I cannot tolerate being alone. I'm

38:00

doing this because I

38:03

have crippling fear

38:06

of loss, whatever it is. When

38:09

you can see something that's rooted in

38:11

an old experience or

38:14

in a malady of some sort, as

38:17

soon as you know that information, it becomes

38:19

a goal. It becomes something that

38:21

it becomes your clay to work on. It

38:24

all starts by being able to see it. Like,

38:27

oh, I can highlight this. This thing is

38:29

guiding me unconsciously. This thing is

38:31

guiding me unconsciously. And suddenly

38:33

you've separated all that information out and you

38:36

can see like, these are my goals. These

38:39

are my actual true goals that

38:42

are irrelevant of any other situation in my

38:44

life. These are me on me goals. I

38:47

want to feel safe enough to be alone.

38:50

I want to not feel terrified

38:52

as soon as I'm single. I want to

38:54

feel confident

38:57

enough to take risks. I

39:00

want to love myself enough to

39:03

ask for promotions. All

39:06

of these little tethers though can be really

39:08

confusing and make us think that we're choosing

39:10

things or that we want things that we

39:12

actually genuinely hate. And

39:14

it's all like kind of muddled until we really break it

39:17

down in like very black and white terms. This

39:20

is a weird one. For example, people

39:22

who are really

39:24

angry and resentful towards others who are

39:26

successful or if you're jealous of people

39:29

who are successful, that

39:31

root is most

39:34

likely extreme sensitivity.

39:37

It's not that

39:39

you're not talented. It's not

39:42

that you are afraid. It's

39:46

that you are so

39:48

incredibly sensitive that

39:52

you cannot tolerate the

39:55

pain of risk, of

39:57

putting yourself out there, of being vulnerable and

39:59

open. It's so visceral

40:01

and excruciating. That

40:04

motivator though is often invisible. And

40:07

so if you can like do this exercise, you

40:09

can see what the thing is. And

40:12

then we can walk almost like, you

40:14

know, when you have a handicap, you walk

40:16

with it, you know, you learn how to

40:18

work with it. It's like people who have

40:20

schizophrenia, if they can become experts on their

40:22

diagnosis and experts on their own care, the

40:24

outcomes are so much better because it's like,

40:27

I'm empowered in that process. You know? I

40:30

think in general, when people are trapped and

40:32

confused in something, a lack

40:35

of action and a

40:37

lack of agency makes us

40:40

feel the most angry, self-loathing,

40:42

and then eventually depressed. You

40:46

might also find out in this practice

40:48

that you have real suffering

40:52

and real pain

40:56

from an action you're taking that

41:00

you do not respect. Like

41:02

for example, let's say you're lying to

41:04

somebody or you're betraying somebody. In

41:08

that situation, even though you're still taking

41:10

this dishonest action, I want

41:12

you to remember you

41:15

are the one who dislikes

41:17

this thing. The goal

41:19

at the end of this is to

41:22

just be able to simply say,

41:24

I know I

41:26

want this goal. My

41:29

goal is to not be doing this

41:31

action. My goal is to be on

41:33

the level with myself. My goal

41:35

is to be an aligned

41:38

human being. Just getting to that point,

41:41

is it an accomplishment? I know that

41:43

sounds crazy, but like we're often setting

41:45

goals based on symptoms. I

41:48

just want to be perfectly happy in a

41:50

committed relationship. That has nothing

41:52

to do with the way that that outcome

41:55

comes about. So really

41:57

start with the core.

42:00

Everything comes from your ability

42:03

to command your life, your ability

42:05

to have agency. You

42:07

build a house from the foundation up. This

42:09

has to start with your

42:11

core ability to align

42:13

with yourself and what you want. If

42:16

you don't have that ability, it doesn't matter

42:18

what you're given. It's

42:20

like you can't hold onto it. You need to

42:22

have that core connection. Otherwise

42:24

we're like living from the head up.

42:28

All right, the next tool. I already said this earlier, but

42:30

I just want to recap it. The 911 list. If

42:33

you are dealing with ambivalence and thoughts that are

42:36

really, really loud and negative, we need

42:38

to have a set of tools that allow us

42:40

to take control from our mind and give it

42:42

to our physical body. Like what I talked about

42:44

with zagging. So for this reason,

42:46

you don't have one already, have

42:48

a, what I call a 911 list in

42:50

your phone or wherever, a list of 10

42:52

things you can do to soothe your physical

42:55

body and really tune into your physical body.

42:58

For me, it's things like yoga and

43:01

walking with a podcast, hot bath,

43:03

hiking. I used to hike religiously,

43:07

whatever it is for you. Find, seek out

43:09

those practices. If you don't have them, seek

43:12

them out. They don't have to be that like

43:14

involved. They can be like staring at a tree,

43:16

looking at the branches of the tree, focusing

43:19

until you get a moment of silence

43:21

in your head where you're just really

43:23

witnessing nature, et cetera.

43:26

All right. The next tool, keep

43:30

your karma clean. I

43:33

know for myself, as soon as I

43:35

have a, an act that

43:37

is like not honest with myself,

43:40

this is just for you moving forward. Soon

43:43

as I do something I know is not on

43:45

the level with my values, it

43:47

causes me, it's like sticks on

43:49

my consciousness. It gnaws

43:51

and immediately I'm like, oh fuck,

43:53

this is gonna cause

43:55

me so much pain in the future

43:57

if I don't correct it. It causes.

44:00

sickness. It's like having a stone in

44:02

your psyche. It takes something away from

44:04

me. So the rule

44:06

of life, if

44:08

you can just keep this top of mind,

44:12

keep my karma clean, give love and joy

44:14

and I will receive love and joy. Whatever

44:16

I give, I will receive. So

44:18

just continue to ask yourself. It can be a

44:21

gentle suggestion. It doesn't have to be like never

44:23

ever fuck up. It could just be

44:25

as simple as how can I

44:27

improve upon this today? How

44:30

can I walk toward the goal of

44:32

giving and receiving love? And

44:35

know that you are always changing. We're

44:37

always changing every single day, every single

44:40

moment. We are changing. You are never

44:42

ever static. So don't ever think, ah,

44:45

I quit evolving years ago. Nope, you are

44:47

always changing. All

44:50

right. And the last tool, this

44:53

is a weird one, but

44:55

it helps me sometimes to think of my

44:57

life in this way. If it doesn't align with

44:59

your values or your belief system, ignore this

45:01

tool. But the tool is

45:04

a frame of reflection. What

45:06

is my karmic life

45:08

choice lesson? This is mainly for

45:10

dealing with regret and or reconciling

45:13

when you have a life that you're like, that

45:15

causes you a lot of pain. And

45:17

you're like, ah, I

45:19

just wasted this life. This life sucks. I ruined

45:21

it. Like if you're having thoughts like that, I

45:24

want you to ask yourself, what

45:26

is my karmic life choice lesson?

45:28

Like I'm assuming that you chose

45:30

this life, this existence before

45:33

you got here. What

45:35

was, what has this experience

45:37

set of experiences gifted

45:39

you with or what are you here

45:41

to learn and grow through? Like what

45:44

path are you on and like, what are

45:47

you set to grow in terms of depth

45:50

as a human being? For

45:53

example, I think

45:55

one of my karmic life lesson choices

45:58

that I made in this life experience,

46:00

I'm learning to grow

46:03

more selfless. I'm learning to not

46:05

take things so personally and not

46:08

make everything about me. In

46:10

other words, we're asking what the foundation

46:13

for our emotional baggage is and

46:15

like, what did we choose to get out of that?

46:18

Like what did we choose to get out of like all

46:21

of the pain and suffering we have experienced

46:23

in this specific life? And if you can

46:25

look at it from that perspective, I think

46:27

it can clarify in a

46:29

weird way what your

46:31

actual goal is and like what the

46:33

benefits of all of that you've been

46:35

through really are in like who you're

46:37

eventually going to become. Just

46:40

did 10 turns there. Hope that made sense. Okay,

46:43

so those are my tools. Hope

46:45

you enjoyed this episode. Before

46:48

I close, I want to thank my latest sponsors, Tiffin.

46:51

Thank you so much for your generous donation.

46:53

Anyone who has the means, donations really help

46:55

out the show. If you don't

46:57

have the means, I totally understand. It's all good. And

47:00

if you could share it with someone that it could help, that

47:03

helps me as well. In

47:06

closing, what you think

47:08

has little to do with what's

47:11

real and all that you think

47:14

and all that's real can change on a dime. People

47:17

change on a dime. You can change at

47:19

any stage of your life. And

47:22

whatever that change is, it just

47:24

starts with a goal,

47:27

a desire, a love, something

47:29

you want genuinely. And

47:32

know that all suffering can be used

47:34

to heal others. So if you

47:36

have come out of a trauma and

47:39

you've lived through it and you've even thrived, I

47:41

invite you to own that story because

47:44

in many ways it doesn't belong to you anymore. It

47:46

belongs to the world who can thrive from it. It's

47:48

like you have a map that you can share with

47:50

others. And

47:53

if that doesn't feel safe for you,

47:55

ignore that. I know that it

47:57

can be its own separate process

47:59

that's triggering. like share things over your

48:01

past that you're not comfortable with quite yet. But

48:05

anyway, as you

48:07

encounter your inner committee, my

48:09

challenge to you is to begin

48:11

to tune inward and

48:14

wait for that tiny whisper of the

48:17

inner child or of the

48:19

witness and choose

48:21

what aligns with the highest,

48:24

most loving goal.

48:27

And sometimes it will be like

48:29

the tiniest little feedback. You can

48:31

barely hear it. And

48:33

your inner committee will be screaming at you

48:36

as you take slow, steady

48:38

steps towards something that honors

48:41

you holistically and that

48:43

will heal you and potentially change your life

48:45

for the better. And you'll

48:47

be doing it despite being horrified and

48:49

like thinking it's the worst thing in the

48:51

world on a, in a thought way. One

48:55

of the hardest things I ever

48:57

did was divorce my

48:59

ex-husband and I didn't think I was

49:01

capable of it. And this

49:03

person very much deserved, needed to be

49:06

divorced immediately because they were not safe.

49:09

But I remember being like,

49:11

I can't, I can't do it. My thoughts

49:13

were like, I can't possibly ever let go

49:15

of this person. This is my partner. This

49:18

is like the love of my life. I just got

49:20

married to this person. And

49:22

I remember I had to take actions despite

49:25

that going against every fiber of my body.

49:27

Even though this person betrayed me and was

49:29

like very obviously not a good person to

49:31

be with. I remember putting a note

49:33

in my God box that my friend Lori gave

49:35

to me and the, the,

49:37

the note I wrote was

49:40

just like, please, I choose

49:42

to protect and love and honor

49:44

myself. It was something that simple. Allow

49:47

me to love and honor myself. And

49:50

I remember having to go to

49:53

file the paperwork, the courthouse, everything

49:56

in my body. It felt like

49:58

I was betraying myself. by

50:00

doing that. But I had a

50:02

wiser self that knew I had

50:05

to do it. And just

50:07

know that sometimes like actions are

50:09

fucking hard, like they are so

50:12

painful in certain

50:15

situations. But you have a

50:17

wiser self and know that change in this

50:19

arena can be conflicting,

50:21

it can be painful, it can be slow,

50:24

and the growth of this

50:26

like trust in self is

50:29

almost imperceptible. It

50:31

takes repetition and it takes

50:33

just a genuine goal,

50:36

a genuine desire

50:38

for that goal and really a focus

50:40

on that single goal. And

50:43

know that that little silent watcher

50:45

inside you takes notice when

50:47

you are walking the walk of truth.

50:50

It's this weird thing that just creeps

50:52

in. You start

50:55

to believe you and you

50:57

start to be feel so

50:59

treasured by you and

51:02

you start to have faith in you and

51:04

suddenly it's like a snowball that's barreling down

51:07

a hill. It gets bigger and bigger and

51:09

it builds momentum. You start to feel

51:11

so good about

51:13

yourself and you feel so in

51:16

love with yourself for the first time. And

51:19

with that you feel

51:22

confident and you start

51:24

to know what you want for the

51:27

first time. And from

51:29

there anything is

51:31

possible. All of the other shit

51:33

you can choose it and it will happen. You

51:36

need to grow that relationship first. From

51:38

there when you have that trust in

51:40

self and you have that self-love, I

51:43

know what to do with my relationship. I know

51:45

what to do with the dishonesty. I know what

51:47

I need to do with my loose

51:50

ends. It's like everything else

51:52

becomes possible. All the things

51:54

that feel out of your control like I can't seem

51:57

to fix all these things. It all

51:59

happens when you have it. that core strength.

52:01

So just start there. It starts with

52:03

the relationship with you. I

52:07

hope this is helpful. I send you

52:09

my love and don't forget to smile.