0:01

There's no better feeling than a personal win.

0:03

And the State Farm Personal Price Plan can

0:05

help you do just that. Talk

0:07

to a State Farm agent today to learn how

0:09

you can bundle and save with the Personal Price Plan.

0:12

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices

0:15

are based on rating plans that vary

0:17

by state. Coverage options are selected by

0:19

the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and

0:21

savings, and eligibility vary by state. There's

0:27

no better feeling than a personal win. And

0:29

the State Farm Personal Price Plan can help

0:31

you do just that. Talk

0:33

to a State Farm agent today to learn how you

0:36

can bundle and save with the Personal Price Plan. Like

0:38

a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices

0:41

are based on rating plans that vary

0:43

by state. Coverage options are selected by

0:45

the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and

0:47

savings, and eligibility vary by state. This

0:52

episode is brought to you by The Weather Channel. What

0:55

does The Weather Channel app share in common with

0:57

a personal trainer and a life coach? It's

1:00

an ally on your quest to wellness. What

1:02

you do with its insight is up to you. Like

1:04

running an extra mile when air quality

1:07

is good or checking your allergy forecast

1:09

so not even ragweed can disrupt your

1:11

chi. It's more than a weather app. What

1:14

in the weather are you waiting for? Be a

1:16

force of nature with The Weather Channel app. Welcome

1:20

to Help Me Be Me. I'm your host,

1:22

Sarah Mae Bates. I'm a writer, director,

1:24

mom, and a breakup coach with an

1:27

MAMFT. And this podcast is

1:29

kind of like a personal relationship in that I talk

1:31

to you like you're my friend. I

1:33

provide tools to help you feel more

1:35

grounded, empowered, inspired, and most of all,

1:38

help you see yourself. This

1:40

is aimed at creating more harmony and happiness in

1:42

the relationship you have with you so

1:44

you can better guide your life and also be

1:47

better to those you love. Take

1:49

what helps and leave the rest. This

1:51

is not a diagnosis for treatment. If

1:54

you're really struggling, call your local emergency

1:56

services. Hi

2:02

everyone, it is an episode

2:04

of Help Me Be Me.

2:07

This is Sarah and I'm

2:09

doing an episode called I'm

2:11

a failure. It is a mindset reset.

2:14

That's the best way I can describe it. And

2:17

it's really about just all of

2:19

the things that our brain does. I'm

2:22

ugly. I should be farther by now.

2:24

I'm a terrible mother. My relevance is

2:26

over. I'm old. All of these thoughts

2:28

are so normal. They're so

2:30

average. Everyone has them. And

2:33

you can quite literally start

2:35

thinking anything repeatedly and

2:38

you will start to see it as true. There's

2:41

no such thing as true or not

2:43

true. Only what

2:45

you experience through your own lens,

2:47

through your own mind's eye. And

2:51

the way that our brain works is

2:53

by comparison. Constant comparison.

2:55

It's a calculator. It's an constantly calculating

2:57

threat. I'm above this person. I'm

2:59

below this person. That person's higher than me. That

3:01

person's lower than me. I'm over here

3:04

in this scale. I'm below on this

3:06

scale. It's a constant

3:09

equation. And that definition, whatever

3:11

we see in our mind, is

3:13

always changing. And it's always

3:15

fluid. It can change on a dime.

3:18

It can change based on any

3:20

number of factors. If you've

3:22

slept, if you've eaten, how much you've eaten,

3:25

what you've eaten. What

3:27

day of your cycle you're on. What the

3:29

weather is like outside. What time of year

3:31

it is. What the economy

3:33

is doing. What your friend group is

3:36

projecting on social media, in their

3:38

energy. All of these things affect

3:41

the calculator. And

3:43

the moment your brain has a blip

3:45

of a thought, I'm a failure.

3:48

There's a choice to be made. You

3:50

can either follow the feeling and invest

3:52

in it just like a script. Like

3:55

you're an actor in a play. Or

3:57

you can look at it. Step back

3:59

from it. see it as an

4:02

electrical impulse that's just happening

4:05

in your brain and assume

4:07

a state of non-attachment. So

4:10

in that very moment the thought occurs,

4:13

I want you to ask yourself, what

4:16

if the opposite is true? Or

4:19

just even notice the thought itself

4:21

and observe it as this little

4:23

energetic entity. Don't attach to it.

4:25

Don't follow it to the next thought and the next

4:27

thought and the next thought. Don't take on the script

4:29

of the actor in the play. Just

4:32

step back and bring back

4:35

a sense of trust

4:37

and openness in your body.

4:40

Resuming a feeling of faith, relaxation,

4:44

and just neutrality. That's why I

4:46

always say we ask, what if

4:48

the opposite was true? And literally

4:50

try and imagine it. I

4:52

want you to try that right now in your

4:54

body. Imagine openness,

4:58

imagine neutrality. So

5:01

this episode is all about

5:03

escaping from a thought

5:05

prison, whatever yours is, and

5:07

knowing that that can activate

5:09

a series of future

5:12

beliefs. Like just like the script,

5:14

you're reading off the next belief that

5:16

follows, that's connected to the next feeling,

5:18

that catalyzes the next belief, that catalyzes

5:21

the next perspective. And

5:24

I hope that this episode can help

5:27

you in that area. I want to

5:29

ask, have you seen around your thoughts

5:31

yet? Because that is the goal, to

5:34

be able to see around them, to

5:36

not be identified with them, to be able

5:38

to see them as things occurring in

5:41

our computer. Because what happens is

5:43

when you have a thought, a good

5:45

thought or a bad thought, we

5:48

will practice them and

5:50

ruminate. And rumination is what I

5:52

think creates everyone's sense of reality.

5:55

It is like putting on a record, like

5:58

a vinyl record, and And it just

6:00

plays out all of

6:03

the feelings and the actions

6:05

and the perspectives that create

6:07

our life. So the

6:09

next feeling you have relates to the next

6:11

action you take, relates to the way you

6:13

respond to the next person you see. It

6:16

creates life. And

6:18

a lot of these records that we play

6:20

are old. There are

6:22

repeats. We've picked them up and they

6:24

were born of a different time, of

6:27

a different self, of a feeling of

6:29

powerlessness. They're all marked in

6:31

prior feelings of pain or fear.

6:35

And what we can't see is

6:37

that it's really a trick. The

6:40

thought itself is a trick. It's a ruse.

6:43

And at any moment you have the

6:46

option to jump aside

6:48

and choose a different memory

6:51

of being. But the

6:53

first step is to just notice

6:55

that you have a choice. Notice that you

6:57

have agency to sidestep it.

7:00

You don't have to engage with it.

7:03

Our goal is to resume energetic

7:06

neutrality and openness. So

7:09

if you're saying to yourself, but I can't

7:11

stop, I really do think these things, then

7:14

you are lost in the content. And

7:16

by that I mean you're lost in

7:19

the material of the script.

7:21

You're lost in the words, the thoughts themselves. And

7:23

your job is to step back, to learn

7:26

how to step back and see the thought

7:28

as it occurs. See

7:30

it as this little electrical blip in

7:32

the circuit board of your brain. And

7:36

we don't have to engage with all of our thoughts. We

7:38

don't have to engage with the content. We

7:41

can watch so many

7:44

thoughts like little muscle spasms

7:46

and they just go so fast. They're so fluid.

7:49

They're like a little bit non sequitur. Let's try

7:51

it right now. Let's witness

7:54

the diverse tangents that populate your brain. Just

7:57

a moment of silence. See the

7:59

light. like textured dappled

8:01

light behind your eyelids. What

8:04

are the thoughts that come in? Just notice

8:07

what they are. They

8:11

might be naming things that you hear around you. They

8:13

might be like to-do lists of the things you have

8:15

yet to do. They might be

8:17

commentary on what you're feeling or thinking right

8:20

now. There's

8:22

so many. They're happening constantly. All

8:26

of them are tied to a bajillion

8:28

different things in your life. Energy has a

8:30

big effect on the ones that you have,

8:32

the amount you've slept, the

8:34

amount of stress in your body, in

8:36

your schedule, in your life. It

8:39

has a huge effect on the intensity of

8:41

the thoughts and your

8:43

ability to kind of disengage

8:45

from them. Before

8:47

I go deeper into this episode,

8:50

I just wanted to offer you a

8:52

very light reflection. I just

8:54

want you to observe, ask yourself, how

8:58

are you relating to your life? Are

9:01

you feeling above it or

9:03

are you feeling below it? I

9:06

just want you to tune in and ask, am I

9:08

above the line or am I below

9:10

the line today, right now? If

9:13

you are feeling below the line, and by

9:15

that I mean like underfoot, on

9:17

the back foot, feeling like you

9:20

can't feel balanced or

9:22

on top of things, feeling like

9:24

energetically you're a victim versus conquering,

9:27

owning, like

9:29

coming from a full cup, I

9:32

want you to ask, how can I come

9:34

back above it? What tweaks do

9:36

I need to make today to

9:39

move through my day feeling

9:41

above the line? And

9:45

what alterations can you make right now? Sometimes

9:47

that means like not calling

9:49

in sick but saying, I

9:51

need to block out an hour for myself.

9:55

Allow yourself to do that, whatever it is, block

9:57

out some time for... Just

10:01

silence, nothingness, openness,

10:04

rest, being able to

10:06

unplug, being able to slow

10:08

down, take a drink

10:10

of water, sit outside,

10:12

stare at nothing, whatever it is. If you

10:15

are feeling like you have no time, you

10:17

have no flexibility, that is a sign

10:19

that you need some

10:22

meditation in your life. I know that

10:24

sounds like hokey but it's literally true.

10:26

We need to have mental

10:29

space and silence

10:31

and so if you have not

10:34

had that in a very long time, block

10:36

out some time just for

10:39

nothingness, for silence. What

10:43

happens is if you are in that place of put

10:45

upon catching up constantly

10:48

rushing, when you

10:50

make a very small effort and

10:52

set some clean and precise boundaries

10:54

around 30 minutes

10:57

for yourself, an hour for yourself, make

10:59

take stuff off of your itinerary, off

11:02

of your schedule. Life responds,

11:04

life opens up for us

11:07

but we have to ask for that to happen

11:09

and we have to accept that

11:11

when it doesn't, we

11:14

have a role in

11:17

creating that circumstance. We have

11:19

gone unconscious. It takes very

11:22

small tweaks to come

11:24

back to deliberate and accountable

11:27

living, being accountable to our

11:29

own mental health and to our own way

11:32

we move through our life. It's like

11:34

you have to be really deliberate and

11:36

precise in how you set up boundaries

11:39

around your time, your energy and

11:41

what resources you gift to yourself. Okay,

11:46

the second reflection I wanted to offer you before I

11:48

go into the rest of the episode, I want

11:51

you to ask yourself, am I ready to

11:55

live from a place of

11:58

comfort, safety, safety, enoughness,

12:02

and of things being spacious

12:05

and relaxed and more than

12:07

okay. Of being in

12:09

a place of calmness. Can

12:11

I imagine that being the way

12:14

I move through the world? Can I imagine

12:16

welcoming that into my body? I

12:19

think that we unconsciously get

12:22

kind of used to living in

12:24

a threat state so much

12:26

of the time of getting kind of high

12:28

off of it and without

12:30

realizing it we're moving through all of

12:32

life in a state of

12:34

overwhelm and in our body

12:36

it might feel like being high, it might

12:39

feel like being productive, like we get off

12:41

on it, but in truth

12:43

we are experiencing energetically

12:46

a sense of danger and

12:48

threat. Like

12:51

I need to act immediately. So

12:54

I just want to ask you,

12:56

can I imagine living pervasively from

12:59

a place of safety, calm,

13:02

slowness, and not rushing? Of

13:05

plenty, of expansiveness

13:07

of time, of dead time,

13:10

of empty air time

13:12

in my schedule? Can you imagine that? I

13:18

mean be curious about what that answer is.

13:21

There's some part of us that might feel

13:23

like, oof, that doesn't feel good.

13:26

That feels a little bit like we're not

13:29

being efficient. It feels like I'm

13:31

not being responsible or I don't

13:34

know if I want that. That might feel like not

13:37

good. I don't know. I'm just curious

13:39

what your body's response to that image is. Because

13:44

in truth it's like pretty healthy to live

13:47

from that place. That's kind of

13:49

the setting we want for our body and

13:52

for our stress and for our happiness,

13:55

is to be kind of like living on

13:57

that vacation time.

14:00

Expansiveness. All the same stuff

14:02

gets done. It's just

14:05

the way we move through and experience our

14:07

entire life changes. Our

14:09

health changes. So

14:12

I want you to try and

14:14

welcome that feeling and think of

14:16

it as normal. Think of it

14:18

as average and good and responsible.

14:22

So with that there are three parts in

14:24

this episode. The what, the why, and the

14:26

how, the tools. Part

14:28

one, the what. Thoughts

14:32

being what we identify with.

14:34

I mean our self-worth becomes

14:37

something that is unknown to

14:39

us or it's based on

14:41

external variations and they

14:44

change all the time and

14:46

they define us to us. So

14:48

often this comes with being

14:51

triggered by things, being feeling activated

14:53

by things outside of us. Like

14:56

people, what they are doing or

14:58

are not doing or what

15:00

people say about us or what they don't say about

15:02

us or feelings

15:05

of less than, feelings

15:07

of comparison, like intense comparison,

15:10

constant defining, looking for answers

15:12

outside of us. Feelings

15:15

like I can't do that or

15:18

defeatist thoughts like it's too

15:20

late for me now or I really

15:24

wish that was my

15:26

accomplishment or I really wish I

15:28

did that. All

15:30

of it being constant thoughts of judgment, painful

15:33

thoughts of judgment and

15:35

maybe actions wise nothing

15:37

changes. Like actions are completely

15:39

separate from this inner narrative

15:42

but you do find you

15:44

are motivated to grasp

15:48

based on whatever the thoughts are, based

15:50

on whatever external things you are activated

15:55

by. You might find that you are overreaching

15:57

or over grasping or becoming more

15:59

desperate in areas in your actions.

16:03

Part two, the

16:05

why. We are, you know, comparing

16:08

machines. Like that is our way of

16:10

surviving. That's how the brain works. We

16:12

are constantly categorizing things and

16:15

your brain I think of as like your

16:17

operating system but it's not you. Your

16:20

brain is this machine that helps you

16:23

move through the world and like not die

16:25

and be functional. It's

16:28

how we control air

16:30

quotes, control the world and

16:32

feel safe within it. We make up rules and

16:35

we give things logic, we create

16:37

patterns and then we try and

16:39

quote win based on those rules.

16:42

We get these assumed rules from

16:44

our experiences and

16:46

we're taught a lot of them but we

16:48

learn a lot of them by observation and

16:50

through experiences growing up. Things that cause us

16:52

pain, things that don't cause us pain, things

16:54

that give us pleasures, things that don't give

16:56

us pleasures and also our

16:59

childhood experiences reinforce

17:01

an awareness of the

17:04

rules of and where we fit into them. So

17:07

by that I mean our self-worth,

17:09

where we fall in the ranking

17:11

of various measures we have. Also

17:14

our ability to feel in

17:17

command of our self-worth

17:20

and feel like we possess ourselves. Like

17:22

we have a sense of agency

17:24

and a real

17:27

strong connection to our self-definition

17:30

and that sense oftentimes

17:33

can be taken from us during

17:36

our upbringing. If someone

17:39

or something violates our

17:41

sense of safety or

17:43

our sense of ownership,

17:45

our ability to be in our own body,

17:48

especially if it happens at an age when

17:50

we have no coping skills. So what I'm

17:52

talking about is some kind

17:54

of trauma, some kind of really

17:56

intense painful loss. feeling

18:00

of intense powerlessness, maybe it's

18:02

chronic feelings of powerlessness, anything

18:04

that made it so we had to

18:07

train our focus on

18:10

external values or the

18:12

rules externally as

18:14

a means to feel like

18:16

we were in some shape

18:18

or form safe because emotionally

18:20

inside it was no,

18:23

there was no safety. It was

18:25

only pain or some definition

18:27

we had of ourselves was violated

18:29

or rewritten by

18:34

somebody else. And

18:36

I think that happens to a lot of people and

18:38

we don't really realize that it happens. So

18:40

we start to live what I call from the neck up. It's

18:43

like we're not connected to the lower half of

18:45

our body, we're not connected to our gut to

18:48

our little mini me

18:50

or tiny little like whispering self or

18:52

inner self. And I

18:54

think that's because oftentimes when it's not safe to

18:56

be in our body or our body is not

18:58

a safe place anymore, we have

19:00

to separate from it so we can

19:03

survive and not be in pain all the time

19:05

or not be freaking the fuck out all the time. So

19:07

that's when we start to use it. It

19:10

becomes this kind of like little car that's

19:12

an object, it's not us anymore. And

19:15

we're no longer the driver, we're just like

19:17

it's like a tool versus

19:20

us. And

19:22

as adults, we kind of

19:24

forget that that was a change that

19:26

happened. We forget that we were ever

19:28

connected to our body and part of

19:30

our body. Instead it's like

19:32

we just get used to living at

19:34

the cost of ourselves. We live with

19:37

no inner feedback. And

19:39

so we're unable to know what we

19:42

with a capital W want

19:45

because we can't even hear it anymore.

19:47

We're just operating based on all

19:50

these learned routines, all

19:52

these learned paths for success

19:55

or for happiness or for I'm definition

19:58

wise okay. And

20:01

we don't even know how

20:03

to ask, am I happy? Because

20:06

the narrative is all we hear. The

20:08

narrative of the computer is all we hear and

20:10

all we know. And that's all we identify with

20:12

as us. And

20:14

that way of living is

20:17

everything is at you versus

20:20

for you, versus like

20:22

for me. So

20:25

I wanna invite you to even recognize if

20:27

that's true for you. And if it is

20:29

true for you, ask how

20:32

can I change this and

20:34

how can I grow an innate

20:37

sense of my own worth, an

20:39

innate sense into who

20:41

I am. That's

20:44

the pivot that needs to take place. Because

20:47

I very strongly

20:49

believe we are two people.

20:52

We are this tiny, wise

20:54

watcher, this inner baby you.

20:58

And then we are this adult computer that learned

21:00

all the rules. That's constantly like, don't do that,

21:02

definitely do that. Oh, look over there. Oh, look

21:04

at the tree. Look at the dog. I like

21:06

that dog. Do you like this color of brown?

21:08

It's constantly saying noisy things.

21:10

And we need

21:12

to demonstrate with our

21:15

actions to this

21:17

tiny little watcher that we

21:19

are good and

21:22

we are worth trusting. And

21:24

that we will take care of ourselves

21:27

and be good to us.

21:29

Unconditionally, that's the key. This

21:33

little inner you is an amazing, joyful

21:36

child. And that self

21:39

often gets neglected and

21:41

ignored and abused by

21:43

us for a very

21:46

long time. And

21:48

it longs to be heard.

21:51

It longs to be respected

21:53

and acknowledged and

21:55

rewarded and to be

21:57

able to express itself. tiny

22:00

you needs a voice and you

22:02

have to show that little tiny

22:04

you that you are listening by

22:07

actually listening you have to actually listen

22:10

to that little voice and and

22:13

the voice speaks very

22:15

quietly but very clearly it's

22:17

a very specific voice and

22:20

so this I would say this episode is

22:22

kind of the beginning of a listening

22:26

inward practice if you

22:28

haven't done that in a long time this is kind of what I'm inviting

22:30

you to do and

22:33

know that this path this

22:36

change of like not identifying with the

22:38

thoughts not identifying with external of like

22:40

instead listening inward and just saying like

22:42

I'm gonna be good to you no

22:45

matter what anyone says no matter what anyone

22:47

thinks no matter what the world is doing

22:50

I'm gonna be good to you I'm gonna be kind

22:52

to you and I'm gonna respect you that

22:55

takes very consistent

22:58

diligent action on your part in a

23:01

physical way and you

23:03

have to be consistent in even the what kind

23:05

of thoughts do you allow in if

23:07

you have a negative mean thought that's

23:10

like attacking yourself the first

23:12

thing you need to do is say like uh-uh

23:14

it's not allowed I'm not doing that shit and

23:17

you have to be consistent and

23:19

know that it will

23:21

take consistent action of like

23:23

I'm gonna ballpark month a month two

23:25

months and when you

23:27

are in that process it will feel

23:30

fictional it will feel silly

23:32

it'll feel fake but it doesn't

23:34

matter it eventually it

23:36

starts to work and

23:39

when you are in that process of

23:42

making a very concerted effort a

23:45

very genuine effort a consistent one

23:47

you don't have to worry about

23:50

forcing it to take hold you

23:52

don't have to worry about like I'm not

23:55

doing it hard enough and I'm not doing

23:57

it's not working fast enough is it working

23:59

am I trying if I'm doing it the right

24:01

way, like it is

24:03

an organic process.

24:05

It is an organic shift that

24:08

is happening from that

24:10

genuine place. Don't

24:12

judge it. Don't focus on

24:14

the process. Just take the

24:16

actions and know that if

24:18

you are supporting this goal

24:20

purely and you are genuine

24:22

in that goal, you really mean it. You're feeding

24:24

that fire with all the

24:27

right material, with all

24:29

the right genuine effort. It's

24:31

an allowing process. It's

24:34

a walking with your eyes closed in a

24:36

state of trust. That is what it feels

24:38

like. And you just

24:40

have to allow yourself to be genuine. You have

24:42

to allow yourself to walk in this

24:45

direction. And the

24:47

only important thing is

24:50

meaning it and taking the actions consistently.

24:53

And honestly, it feels

24:55

like, who the fuck knows if

24:57

this is going to work? This feels ridiculous. At

25:00

the end of the day though, what happens is

25:03

you witness you

25:06

genuinely trying to be nice and genuinely

25:08

trying to rebuild and making an effort.

25:10

And what happens is you feel like,

25:12

I like that person and I trust

25:14

that person because they've shown me they

25:16

mean it. For the first time in

25:18

a really long time, they've shown me they're

25:20

not whipping me anymore. They're not

25:23

like punishing me anymore. They're like showing

25:25

me you matter more to

25:27

me than all this other bullshit. That

25:29

feels really, really good to

25:32

you, to a friend, to anyone that

25:34

feels really good and you start to build genuine

25:38

self-love. It grows in

25:41

such a amazing and

25:43

profound way, but it starts by meaning

25:45

it. And I

25:47

think with any self-work, any

25:50

beginning of a new path in your life, it'll

25:53

be a combination of just

25:55

going through the motions aggressively

25:57

and grabbing tools. that

26:00

are new and foreign to you and practicing them like

26:02

your life depends on it. And

26:05

then as you move through it you

26:07

get feedback. You get new

26:09

insight into yourself because you're

26:11

moving in a new direction and you're trying

26:13

new actions. The action is

26:16

essential but also the

26:19

experience of newness and

26:22

feedback is a huge part of it.

26:25

So just know that like you can't force it, you

26:27

can't rush it. You just have to

26:30

move through it as a process and

26:32

trust that all of these

26:34

little tiny things are creating a

26:36

new felt sense of the world, a

26:39

new knowledge base

26:41

of yourself and of new

26:43

tools. And we can

26:46

only really get that growth through

26:48

this process of trying. So

26:50

I feel like so many people when they're in this like state

26:53

of I want to change myself and like why isn't

26:55

it working and like I don't even enjoy this

26:57

it doesn't feel good and like I don't

26:59

even know if I like the things I'm

27:02

doing. Don't judge it. The judgment layer of

27:05

am I fucking this up? Is it working? Is

27:08

the part that exhausts us. The

27:10

only thing you have to worry about is

27:12

I'm allowing myself to change. I'm

27:14

trying all of my best to

27:17

move through a process of change

27:19

and know that so much

27:21

of this is just an opening.

27:24

It's an unfolding. It's a

27:26

process of us

27:28

starting to feel into this

27:31

little whispering voice and

27:33

hearing like this resonated with

27:35

me. This felt true

27:38

for me. This feels

27:40

positive to me. This feels

27:43

like I have grown a new muscle and

27:45

I'm proud of myself based on that. This

27:48

feels like something

27:50

I'm actually proud of because

27:52

it was hard. All of these

27:54

are like we're getting new knowledge. We're getting

27:57

new self-knowledge even though it feels

27:59

at times. like I don't

28:01

even know if this is making a difference. Is

28:03

this making a dent? Who the fuck knows? It

28:05

doesn't matter because it's not yours to decipher. It

28:08

is only your job to move

28:10

through a process in a heartfelt

28:14

and self-loving

28:16

manner. And

28:19

if you feel like I'm being so

28:21

aggro about my self-work, I'm self-working

28:23

so fucking hard, come

28:25

back into a grounded

28:27

state. I feel

28:30

like sometimes if we go so hard against a

28:32

goal, it can feel chaotic

28:34

and almost like

28:37

you've overworked out in some ways. So

28:40

if you're feeling like that's where the

28:42

balance is, I would say come back

28:44

into a reflective, meditative, restful

28:46

state. It's like we need both. It's like

28:48

you need to break the muscle, but then

28:51

you also need to allow the muscle to

28:53

heal. And

28:55

I find that when I allow myself

28:57

that kind of like quiet, restful stage,

28:59

that's when my intuition is all,

29:03

it can be even heard, you know? So

29:06

with that, I'm going to go to part

29:08

three, the how, the tools, but first a

29:11

brief word from our sponsors. This

29:14

episode is brought to you by Nature's Blend.

29:17

Did you know that your dog's food

29:19

could be harming them? I

29:21

learned so much from Dr. Marty,

29:23

who is a veterinarian called the

29:26

Miracle Worker by Forbes magazine. And

29:28

he says that the number one major

29:31

red flag to look out for is

29:33

cooked dog food like kibble or canned

29:35

food. When dog food is cooked

29:37

at high temperatures, the amino

29:39

acids often overheat, they can

29:41

create dangerous compounds called AGEs

29:44

or advanced glycation end products.

29:48

And these can cause dangerous build ups in your

29:50

dog's system and it can make them act older

29:52

than they are. And high

29:54

amounts are even connected to cancer. And

29:57

it's tricky because even healthy and organic

29:59

dogs. dog food is often cooked at

30:01

high temperatures. And that

30:03

is why Dr. Marty created his

30:06

own formula called Nature's Blend. It's

30:09

freeze dried raw. So

30:11

you don't need to worry about these

30:13

potential AGEs from kibble. It's

30:15

shelf stable, it's mess

30:18

free, it's full of nutrients. My dogs

30:20

love it. And I think it is

30:22

one of those things that actually makes

30:24

them happier, makes them more playful, their

30:26

coat is softer. It's also very convenient.

30:28

It's no like goopy mess scooped from

30:30

a bag. It's raw and it's freeze dried.

30:33

So you just fill up the bowl. I

30:35

can't wait for your dog to try it. For

30:37

a limited time, enjoy up to 54% off Nature's Blend

30:41

and get a free bag of

30:43

Cod Crispies. They're best selling wild

30:45

caught cod skin treats. Just

30:48

go to drmartypets.com/help me

30:50

be me. Every

30:53

order is backed by a 90 day money

30:55

back promise. So if you

30:57

wanna support your dog's digestion, soft coat

30:59

and healthy lifespan, go to

31:02

drmartypets.com/help me be me

31:04

today. All dogs are

31:06

unique. Your dog's results can and will vary.

31:12

This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. Halloween

31:14

is a time that we can

31:17

have fun getting scared, but you

31:19

know, sometimes we have fears that

31:21

are not fun, like zombies and

31:23

ghosts. I think therapy is

31:25

a great tool for facing your fears,

31:27

finding ways to overcome those fears, because

31:30

a lot of the time, the scariest

31:32

thing is not even the thing itself.

31:34

It's just our reaction to it or

31:36

our feeling of powerlessness over it. I've

31:40

personally benefited so much from therapy in

31:42

just being able to be exactly where

31:44

I am and move through that thing,

31:46

whatever it is, and

31:48

not being driven by fear and resistance.

31:51

Whether you are a person who has never

31:54

tried therapy or you wanna get back into

31:56

it, if you're thinking about giving it a

31:58

try, then I would suggest. BetterHelp.

32:00

It is entirely online, it's designed

32:03

to be convenient, flexible, and suited

32:05

to your schedule. All

32:07

you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire, you get

32:10

matched with a licensed therapist, and you

32:12

can switch therapists at any time for

32:14

no additional charge. Overcome

32:17

your fears with BetterHelp. Visit

32:20

betterhelp.com/HelpMeBeMe today to get

32:22

10% off your first month.

32:25

That's

32:28

betterhelp.com/HelpMeBeMe.

32:34

This episode is brought to you by Element. Element

32:37

is one of my favorite

32:39

sponsors. I drink it pretty

32:41

regularly. They have zero sugar

32:44

electrolyte drink mixes and

32:46

sparkling electrolyte water. Born

32:48

of the growing body of research

32:50

that reveals optimal health outcomes occur

32:52

at sodium levels two to three

32:54

times government recommendation. It restores my

32:57

levels back to normal even if

32:59

I've gone for like a day-long

33:01

hike. It is formulated

33:03

for anyone who is on a

33:05

mission to restore health through hydration and

33:08

it's perfectly suited for athletes, people

33:11

who are fasting, people who are

33:13

on keto diets, low carb, paleo

33:15

diet. The person who founded Element

33:17

is named Rob Wolfe. He is

33:20

a former research biochemist, two-time

33:22

New York Times best-selling author, and

33:25

he has now sat on

33:27

the Navy SEAL resiliency committee

33:29

for over a decade. Everyone

33:32

from Stanford neuroscientists to functional

33:34

nutritionists are Element advocates

33:36

including yours truly. I

33:38

drink it, I use it, I

33:41

love it, the flavors are amazing,

33:43

and it actually really works. Trying

33:45

Element is totally risk-free. If you

33:47

don't like it, they refund your

33:49

order. No questions asked. Get your

33:51

free Element sample pack with any

33:54

purchase at drinkelement.com slash

33:56

help me be me. That's

33:58

drink element. and

34:03

try the new element sparkling, a

34:06

bold 16 ounce can of sparkling

34:08

electrolyte water. Okay

34:13

the how, the tools. Alright

34:16

the first tool I'm calling Flip the

34:18

Script or Imagination

34:20

Game. This

34:22

one is really, it's

34:24

kind of a mind fuck at first but it

34:27

starts to work when you can wrap your head around it.

34:30

It's really, really effective. I

34:34

want you to imagine whenever you have that

34:36

like painful rumination thought, I'm

34:40

getting ahead of myself, okay whatever your negative rumination

34:42

thought is let's say it's I'm a failure. I

34:45

want you to practice as soon as it occurs

34:48

imagining the opposite is true just like a

34:50

game of make believe. Whatever

34:52

yours is let's try it together. Let's

34:57

say your comparison lip is

34:59

I'm a failure. Now

35:01

let's imagine or whatever yours is I am

35:05

incredibly successful. I am incredibly

35:07

successful in so many ways.

35:11

Whatever the thing is you don't have to

35:13

believe that. I want you to imagine it's

35:15

true as if you're imagining

35:17

that the entire house you're in is like

35:19

underwater. It's a

35:21

fantastical imagination game but whatever yours is let's

35:24

try it right now. Imagine

35:27

that opposite truth. How does it

35:29

feel? How

35:33

does it feel in your body? I

35:35

imagine your chest opens a little bit, your

35:37

shoulders get a little bit broader, your

35:40

facial expression changes. What is the

35:42

energy of a person who

35:45

feels incredibly successful,

35:47

incredibly awesome and effective? Whatever

35:49

the thing is. That's

35:53

the tool. I want you to do that

35:55

in the moment every

35:57

time you recognize I'm having a

35:59

painful rumination thought. Don't

36:02

engage with it to the next one and the next

36:04

one. This is an exercise I want you to be

36:06

very consistent in practicing. Alright

36:08

next tool, know the

36:11

devil inside. Untrue

36:15

ideas cause all

36:18

of our suffering and one of

36:20

the most common untrue ideas

36:22

is I have to

36:24

fix this all or I have

36:27

to muscle this with will and

36:30

if I can't do that there's no way to do it.

36:33

We think often that if we can't

36:35

figure something out ourselves then

36:37

it's impossible. Then it's impossible for

36:39

us or we're broken which

36:42

is false. That is a

36:44

false belief and yet it causes

36:46

suffering for so many people and

36:48

I think one of the other

36:50

things that's common for our brain is

36:53

we jump from pull to

36:55

pull. We get we

36:57

jump from extreme definition to

36:59

extreme definition. Whatever your thing

37:01

is, your habit, I

37:04

want you to get to know exactly what

37:06

it is. Identify

37:08

it. Let's think about it and if this is easier to do

37:10

in a journal let's do it in a journal. But

37:13

I know for example my

37:16

one of my poles that I swing

37:18

to is scarcity. That's where I

37:20

default to and a feeling of

37:24

I can't control the situation. That's

37:26

my trigger. I can't control the

37:28

situation. There's something very unpredictable in

37:30

this situation. I immediately go to

37:33

worst possible is going to motivate

37:35

every decision I make. What's

37:38

the smallest I can make myself? What's

37:40

the least I can ask for? That's

37:42

not a good way to make decisions

37:45

but that's one of my leanings. That's

37:47

my devil. I lean

37:49

toward how can I ask for

37:51

so little and contort myself

37:53

to have no needs at all. So

37:56

I want you to identify. Just scan

37:59

your childhood experiences. scan

38:01

your recent adult

38:03

experiences, what are the polls

38:05

that you jump to, what are the limiting

38:09

extreme beliefs that

38:11

you lean toward. And I'm

38:14

gonna guess you have

38:16

some common ones. Where

38:18

do you tend to go sick? Like what

38:21

are your particular thought traps?

38:24

And they might be in a totally different direction. You

38:28

might have something that's more like, you

38:32

know what I do need all this stuff. Or

38:35

fuck it I'm a person that just

38:38

says I'm just gonna do it anyway.

38:40

Like whatever your thought traps are, write

38:42

them down. Know what they

38:44

are. Be able to recognize them like a

38:47

dark figure that walks in the room. Like

38:49

oh this is you again. Just

38:51

get to know them like these you know

38:53

those tiny records. Those

38:56

like little old records that are what do they call

38:58

them? It's a number. 44's

39:00

I don't know. Whatever it

39:02

is those are yours. I just want you

39:04

to become very familiar with them because I

39:07

think a large

39:09

majority of what

39:12

we live by are these

39:14

kind of unconscious defaults. You

39:16

don't even recognize that you're guiding very

39:19

long you know path

39:23

altering decisions. Like it's gonna affect

39:25

the like let's say the next

39:27

decade of your life. We're creating

39:29

these decisions based on these tiny

39:31

little old unconscious extremes.

39:35

And I want you to start

39:37

to decide things from healed whole

39:40

confident resourced place. That's the person that

39:42

gets to call the shots in your

39:44

life. Not the triggered

39:47

tiny small desperate clingy

39:49

like low-hanging fruit self if that

39:51

makes sense. And

39:53

a lot of what happens in this process

39:56

of self-work of like coming home to like

39:58

this I'm motivated. by

40:00

what's best for this little tiny person that lives inside

40:02

of me, that is

40:05

a process of resuming

40:08

trust. And it

40:10

feels oftentimes like very uncomfortable and counterintuitive

40:13

and against our grain.

40:15

It feels like falling backwards. But

40:18

at the end of the day, those

40:20

decisions are much wiser and

40:22

much more true for you

40:25

than the fear-based self. And

40:28

so I think as we kind of move

40:30

through, you know, first

40:32

even knowing that that's happening for us

40:34

and becoming curious about

40:36

what is more true for us from a

40:39

safe place, from our more grounded

40:41

place, we will

40:44

often arrive at a much more

40:47

resolute, balanced

40:49

answer to all the questions we have in

40:51

our life. It happens by

40:54

just even recognizing, I

40:56

have to listen in for a different,

40:58

more true answer to come from

41:00

within. I hope that

41:02

made sense. All right, next tool, mental

41:05

silence. This

41:08

is, I already kind of called this out,

41:10

but like know that for things to come

41:13

through, like really profound,

41:17

just intuition, insight, instinct,

41:21

we need to have space. We need

41:23

to have room for nothingness.

41:27

And I know some people hate meditation. It doesn't matter

41:29

what it is, but you need to have a portion

41:32

of your day where it's

41:34

not filled with content. And by that, I

41:36

mean podcasts, I mean

41:38

TV, I mean you having conversations

41:40

with friends, I mean you talking,

41:43

you thinking, you ingesting

41:45

something or other, like allow for

41:48

just really

41:50

empty space. And

41:53

if you can, if you need, if you're a person

41:56

that's been through trauma and you need like extra tools

41:58

in order to do that, I find that you'll Yoga

42:00

is a great way because it is, we're

42:03

not identified with the brain and you

42:05

have something in your body's motion that

42:08

is taking up control

42:10

away from thoughts. But

42:12

it is also something that's like in theory

42:14

shutting off an

42:16

identification with your thoughts. Cool.

42:19

Next tool, naming. I

42:21

think one way to really get

42:23

used to this relationship

42:26

of externalizing your

42:28

thoughts as separate from you is naming.

42:31

It's like quite literally, if you're getting really

42:33

upset by your thoughts and you're getting really

42:36

overwhelmed by your thoughts, just start

42:38

to name them. Like as

42:40

you have them, like negative

42:43

comment about my weight, thought

42:45

about a tree, judging,

42:49

labeling, body

42:52

feeling, just call out

42:54

exactly what category they belong to.

42:57

This is just having a sense of non-attachment

42:59

to what's going on in the brain,

43:01

but also amusement. And

43:04

I think this is one way of

43:07

taking the piss out of the

43:10

thoughts themselves in that they

43:12

become not you. They are not

43:14

us. They're like, it's clay that we're working

43:16

on or that we're playing with, we're observing.

43:20

Cool. The next tool is

43:23

called hot tooth, which is a

43:25

term I learned at the

43:27

dentist yesterday. It's when something has

43:29

so much potency and pain, like

43:32

a very sensitive tooth, for example.

43:35

This is a tool that relates

43:37

to specifically emotions

43:39

that for you feel intensely

43:42

painful, like a raw nerve. And

43:45

oftentimes it's emotions or feelings or

43:47

thoughts that are like shame

43:49

based, often

43:52

jealousy feels like this. And

43:54

whatever they are, they often

43:57

are so potent that

43:59

we instantly. We instantly want to reject them

44:02

from our conscious mind. These

44:04

are the ones that we start to push back.

44:08

The reason that that's not good is because

44:11

then it starts to be a motivator.

44:14

It starts to be like an unconscious driver.

44:17

It's especially the ones that are like super

44:20

intensely painful, like shame. As

44:23

soon as you have a feeling of shame or a thought

44:25

of being ashamed of yourself, I

44:28

want to invite you to own

44:31

it and to

44:33

give yourself a safe

44:35

language by which to handle it

44:38

and process it. One of

44:40

the ways that I like to do it is recognize

44:43

what the underlying motivation

44:46

of why this bothers

44:49

us so much. Oftentimes

44:51

it's because it is love. It

44:55

is the other half of us wanting to

44:57

reject it is us

45:00

feeling so strongly a desire

45:04

to be the opposite. It's love. We

45:07

don't want to feel that way because we have

45:10

so much love. I'm

45:12

inviting you to process that feeling out

45:15

more fully, whatever

45:17

the one that's hottest to the touches. Know

45:21

that it's pointing to either something in

45:23

you that has love for something like

45:25

with jealousy. I have love for this

45:28

ideal. I have love for this art. I

45:30

have love for this job. I have love

45:32

for this goal. It's pointing to something

45:34

true in you or

45:37

with something that you hate. It's

45:40

I long to be

45:42

a loving person. That's really what's

45:45

motivating it. These are all

45:47

maps to where we need a little

45:49

bit of extra attention and

45:51

compassion and learning

45:53

in ourselves. I want

45:55

you to invite that. Look at it as

45:58

an invitation to learn more, not something that's damming.

46:00

Okay cool and

46:03

the next tool is a journal exercise.

46:05

I wanted to invite you to have

46:08

a little journaling session with you, a

46:10

very loving and kind one. This is

46:12

inspired by a teacher at my daughter's school

46:15

who asked, hey mama how are you doing

46:17

today? And I was like, I

46:20

love being asked how I'm doing. It was such

46:22

a like rare, lovely

46:24

treat. It felt so good

46:27

to be asked that and

46:29

I wanted to invite you to ask that.

46:31

I invited myself to ask this last night

46:33

in my journal. It feels really nice. I

46:35

want you to talk with yourself about yourself

46:38

and ask, hey me how

46:41

are you doing? How am I

46:43

doing? And just answer that as

46:45

like a casual friendship might,

46:47

you know. How would,

46:50

how is your day? How is your life going? How are

46:52

you feeling about your life? Are you feeling, what are you

46:55

feeling good about? What have you

46:57

improved? What is doing better in

46:59

your life? What do you still want to add

47:01

some love and fan flames

47:03

around? And also what uh

47:06

what alterations can you

47:08

make tomorrow? And

47:11

be kind, be kind and

47:14

be like you would with a friend. Be

47:17

positive, focus on what's positive,

47:19

be creative, be focused

47:21

on what you are active in. It's all

47:25

about creating a flow of energy in a

47:27

positive direction. So

47:29

enjoy that journal entry. I hope

47:32

you enjoyed this episode. I'm gonna start posting

47:34

some shorter form content on YouTube. I have

47:36

all these episodes on YouTube if you're not

47:39

watching this on YouTube now. I invite you

47:41

to check that out. And

47:43

before I close I just want to

47:45

thank all of my latest sponsors, you

47:48

individual listeners. I really appreciate the donations.

47:50

If you have any means

47:53

definitely I invite you to make a donation. If

47:55

not if you could just share this with someone

47:57

that it could help that helps me as well.

48:01

So in closing, I

48:04

want you to be able to

48:06

see around the thoughts that hurt

48:09

you. And sometimes I think

48:11

we just need a little refresher in, oh

48:14

yeah, these are not me. What

48:16

am I going to choose to, how

48:18

am I going to guide my life if I'm not

48:20

being driven by a litany of

48:23

things to do and thoughts? How

48:25

do I want to live energetically and

48:27

move through my life timeline wise? Do

48:30

I want it to be spacious? I want

48:32

it to be relaxed, comfortable,

48:35

calm, joyful,

48:38

spontaneous. Think about

48:40

it from outside of it. And

48:43

I think that the way that we

48:45

will design that process, that

48:47

dance will be very different

48:50

than if we're just lost in it,

48:52

if we're being driven by the routine

48:54

itself. Routine by

48:56

the way is intensely therapeutic. It's

48:59

very healing. It's very helpful. It's very

49:02

grounding. I'm not saying don't have a

49:04

routine, but don't forget to tune in

49:06

to the space and

49:08

say, I'm an animal living on

49:11

a planet with all of these

49:13

beautiful trees and animals and

49:15

like sense into that and feel what it's

49:18

like to have nothing to

49:20

do, nothing that you're

49:22

supposed to be, no definitions, no

49:24

words, no labels, just you

49:26

as a being on this planet. Imagine

49:29

everything else went away, all of the technology, all

49:31

of the systems, all of the structures. How

49:34

do you want to feel? How do you want

49:36

to feel throughout the day? Do I

49:38

have the room built into my structure

49:40

to allow for myself to have that

49:43

benefit? And am I hearing

49:46

what I need? Am I able to

49:48

even hear what little me needs

49:50

and wants? I

49:53

send you my love and don't

49:55

forget to smile. you