0:00

For over 50 years, Burlington's legacy

0:02

has been great deals on coats

0:04

for all weather conditions. So before

0:06

you're caught unprepared for the winter

0:08

weather, head to Burlington for name

0:10

brands, quality items and surprising fits

0:12

for every family member. Stock up

0:15

on coats, sweaters and accessories before

0:17

the cold hits, so you can

0:19

finally stop avoiding the elements and

0:21

start living comfortably. Warm up at

0:23

your nearest Burlington location less than

0:25

one mile away. Burlington. Deals. Brands.

0:27

Wow! Want

0:30

to shop Walmart Black Friday deals first? Walmart

0:32

Plus members get early access to our hottest

0:35

deals. Join now and get 50% off

0:37

a one-year annual membership. Shop

0:40

Black Friday deals first with Walmart

0:42

Plus. See terms at walmartplus.com Time

0:46

to work on your gift list with Black Friday

0:48

deals at the Home Depot. Right

0:50

now get a select tool from top

0:52

brands like Reobee and Milwaukee for free

0:54

when you buy a select battery kit.

0:56

Choose from reciprocating saws, multi-tools, sanders,

0:58

and more. Whether you're stocking up on

1:01

power for your personal workshop or

1:03

grabbing the perfect gift for someone else's.

1:07

Get Black Friday tool deals delivered from the

1:10

Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusions apply

1:12

full eligible tool list in store and online.

1:16

Welcome to Help Me Be Me. I'm your

1:19

host, Sarah Mae Bates. I'm a writer,

1:21

director, mom, and a breakup coach with

1:23

an MAMFT. And this podcast is

1:25

kind of like a personal relationship in that I

1:27

talk to you like you're my friend. I

1:30

provide tools to help you feel more

1:32

grounded, empowered, inspired, and most of all

1:34

help you see yourself. This

1:36

is aimed at creating more harmony and happiness

1:38

in the relationship you have with you so

1:41

you can better guide your life and also be

1:43

better to those you love. Take

1:45

what helps and leave the rest. This

1:48

is not a diagnosis for treatment. If

1:50

you're really struggling call your local emergency

1:52

services. Hi

2:01

friends, it's Sarah and

2:04

this is an episode I'm calling distance

2:07

and rigidity or rigid

2:09

judgy. I'm

2:11

going to rewrite that name, but anyway, this

2:13

is for when you are in a

2:16

relationship that has grown distant

2:18

or rigid. In

2:20

other words, there's just no more grease

2:22

to the wheels and like it

2:25

just feels kind of like dry kindling all

2:27

the time. The UN

2:29

of love is another thing I call

2:31

it, meaning like people are being really

2:33

distant so that there's no explosions, but

2:36

it's all transactional and there's

2:38

no warmth and closeness. If

2:41

you are in a relationship like

2:43

that, I am guessing that your partner

2:45

is, there's a

2:48

lot of like semantics debates, you

2:51

know, there's, I feel like oftentimes

2:53

in relationships like that somebody feels like their

2:55

partner is critical

2:57

of them, overly judgmental, a

3:01

lot of conversations about conversations.

3:04

And instead of being able to

3:07

focus on the content of

3:09

what someone is saying, like the

3:11

reason someone is saying something or

3:13

what they're trying to do in

3:15

a conversation, it's more a focus

3:17

on the exact

3:19

words and what the words mean

3:21

or how they're saying it. And

3:25

either way, both people take the other

3:27

person personally and

3:30

feel like, God, they have all

3:32

these issues. Wow, if they could just

3:34

change, then this problem would go away.

3:37

So long story short, there's just a

3:39

little like connection. There's little fluidity

3:42

and joy. It's

3:45

just an

3:47

avoigion. That

3:49

sounds like it should be a word, right? Avoigion.

3:52

Maybe not. A lot of

3:54

avoidance of conflict is what happens.

3:57

Before I go into this episode, I

3:59

wanted to. invite you to imagine that

4:01

you are and your partner are in

4:03

like a glass display like a window

4:06

at a store and

4:08

just imagine everybody is watching

4:10

your interactions with your

4:12

partner your possibly your

4:15

fights with one another

4:17

and I just want you to observe

4:19

like what you guys look like together on

4:21

a on an average day and

4:23

the reason I want you to do that and do this

4:26

periodically is close

4:28

to 90% of all

4:30

communication is nonverbal literally

4:32

even if you're like you know if if

4:34

you or your partner is on the

4:38

spectrum or you are more verbal or

4:40

your love language is something else like

4:43

we take in so

4:45

much more information from

4:48

one another nonverbally so

4:50

if you are noticing in this little

4:52

window display that there is no obvious

4:56

expressions of love no gestures

4:59

of love no affection being

5:01

communicated on a nonverbal level I would

5:05

call this just step one

5:07

this is like my very

5:09

first primitive assignment slash experiment

5:12

for you to try this

5:14

sounds really obvious and weird

5:16

but like if you just

5:19

as frequently as is comfortable

5:21

start to inject nonverbal affection

5:24

into your relationship that can be

5:26

a pretty effective

5:28

and quick solve

5:30

to a lot of the like dry

5:33

kindling or friction of a relationship

5:36

and that is because affection is what tells

5:38

the other person hey I

5:40

like you and hey I think of you

5:43

and you are a priority in my life

5:46

and I'm here to be

5:49

connected to you in a positive way like all

5:51

of these really really basic things that you

5:53

think about you know if you're an animal on

5:56

a or a human on a

5:59

plane and you're squinting at someone from

6:01

afar, it's like, are you friend or foe?

6:03

All of that is taken in as like,

6:06

ah, friend. So that's what I want

6:08

you to just try and see how

6:10

it changes your rapport. It's like we

6:12

need a little bit of glue, we

6:14

need a little bit of grease for

6:16

those gears of love to turn of

6:18

exchanging positive interactions.

6:21

And if no grease exists, it's like we

6:23

gotta start it somewhere. Otherwise,

6:26

we are 100% relying

6:29

on verbal communication for

6:31

our feeling of closeness, our feeling of

6:33

affection of like, this person actually likes

6:36

me and enjoys my company. And

6:38

if you don't like that person and enjoy

6:40

their company, I'm guessing because you have zero

6:42

positive interactions. This is just one way to

6:45

like start adding to the love

6:47

bank, just making deposits. I

6:50

know that can be challenging if you're like, but

6:52

they suck and I don't like them. You gotta

6:54

start somewhere and I think

6:56

in adult life, the

6:59

shitstorm of responsibilities and of

7:02

stuff you gotta do, especially if you

7:04

have kids, that can just dominate your

7:07

ability to feel affection towards somebody. So

7:09

it's like, this is for

7:11

the good of both of you. I'm

7:13

not placing blame on either of you

7:15

because like, it's really, really fucking hard

7:17

to be a grown up with a

7:19

ton of responsibilities. So I think a

7:21

lot of issues with the relationships are

7:23

a result of the actual practical aspects

7:26

of functioning in

7:29

modern day society and all the pressures that

7:31

culture puts on us to do

7:33

a thousand more things than we actually should in

7:35

any given day. So

7:38

in other words, like all of the

7:40

to-do list items take up the majority

7:42

of the airtime of your exchanges. And

7:45

like when we are in that situation, it just

7:47

feels like, huh, I guess

7:49

we're kind of friends, but do I even like this

7:52

person anymore? I don't even know. So

7:54

if you're like, all right, I'm going to try

7:56

this assignment, what does that even look like in

7:58

practical terms? Pause. Nonverbal

8:00

communication would be stuff like

8:03

little gestures, a smile

8:05

when they walk in the door, a pat,

8:07

a compliment, touch. And

8:10

like, you know, little pets here and

8:12

there, a squeeze here and there, real

8:14

subtle, start small. And

8:17

past that, um, I

8:20

think is, you know, tiny

8:22

casual insertions of

8:25

positive compliments

8:27

into communication wherever it

8:29

fits. Oh, I like

8:32

that sweater. Oh, you are so good

8:34

at that. Oh, that's such a you thing to do

8:36

because you're always really good at blank. If

8:38

we can just try this for like a week, just

8:41

do it as an experiment. See what happens. I

8:43

think that is how someone feels like they have

8:45

enough to give back. Um,

8:49

and yes, there are all sorts of unique situations

8:51

where maybe they don't. But anyway, wanted to throw

8:53

that out there before I go into the episode.

8:55

And with that, here is the episode.

8:57

There's a what, why, and how the

8:59

tools. First, part one,

9:02

the what. Um,

9:05

I'm going to call it just exactly what I called

9:07

it before, which is a, a

9:09

UN situation in that everyone is

9:11

trying to maintain peace, communication

9:14

with like very, very, uh,

9:17

basic terms, keeping distance, try

9:19

not to provoke an explosion.

9:22

And maybe if you are in this situation,

9:24

a situation like this, when, when an explosion

9:26

happens, you go Defcon immediately and you're, and

9:28

you can't believe that it happened. And

9:30

I'm guessing that the conversations are initiated by

9:34

one person saying something very well planned

9:37

and, um, you

9:39

probably something to the effect of like, can

9:42

you be more kind or can you do

9:44

this one thing differently? And,

9:46

uh, something that

9:48

feels like it's totally practical and

9:51

then something flips and there's somehow

9:53

it catalyzes an explosion where everybody's

9:56

living in their unmet needs and

9:59

instead of it being about that. the original

10:01

person, maybe it's about the asker and then

10:03

that asker feels hurt and

10:05

they feel invisible and this

10:08

is a generic example but the net

10:10

net of a relationship that

10:12

is like a dry bed of kindling is

10:15

similar to like

10:19

a rube goldberg machine of Ivan

10:22

on met need. No you can't

10:24

because I'm trying all these things but

10:26

can't you even hear me but can't

10:28

you even hear me but can't you

10:30

even hear me it's a it

10:34

catalyzes another

10:36

unmet need in another person or

10:38

another fear in another person which

10:40

catalyzes the original fear in the

10:43

first person so it's a giant

10:45

loop and when things

10:48

when somebody feels like they haven't been received and

10:50

they they feel invisible it

10:53

makes them feel so

10:55

dire and so upset and

10:57

hurt and and all

10:59

of these things trigger in the other person

11:02

a similar sequence so on both

11:04

sides it's so much bigger

11:06

because of the lack of

11:08

ability to land or get

11:11

anywhere the sequence is what

11:13

creates such a heightened felt

11:15

sense of desperation and

11:17

therefore both people end up feeling like I

11:21

guess I'll just have to never talk

11:23

about this thing ever again or I'll

11:25

just have to swallow it some one

11:27

person will feel like I've got to

11:29

swallow it or both people will feel like I have to swallow it

11:32

or maybe one person will take the blame

11:35

for the entire problem and say I'm

11:37

gonna I just have to fix myself.

11:41

Which brings me to part two the why. I think

11:45

that it can be

11:47

a bajillion different things and

11:49

I think that

11:51

the number one reason

11:53

that things feel impossible

11:56

and feel like there's no solution

11:58

is that dry

12:00

kindling. Like let's go back to the window display.

12:03

If you are both acting as if you don't

12:05

like each other that much and you're not investing

12:07

time and energy and if you're not able to

12:09

spend time and

12:11

energy in a relaxed state

12:13

with one another, there's no flow. Despite

12:17

your feelings about one another,

12:20

despite like your actual

12:23

motives, the conditions

12:27

of how you're both behaving are the sum

12:29

of what you get out of the relationship.

12:32

So it becomes like a pattern

12:34

that is, it

12:36

results in the net sum of

12:38

what your relationship is. And

12:40

so even if there are

12:43

communication issues, even if there are misfires

12:47

happening between both people, an

12:50

easy point to start at is

12:53

giving these gears of love grease.

12:57

And by that I mean starting

13:00

the process of just

13:03

actualizing your truest

13:05

motive, which is to give,

13:07

to feed the other

13:10

person, to fill the other person's cup and

13:13

catalyze more gift

13:16

giving, reciprocal gift giving. And

13:18

if you're thinking, well, this person is not fun.

13:21

This person is not nice. They put

13:23

me on eggshells. I

13:26

want to just explore possible

13:28

whys for what's happening with

13:30

that person. That

13:33

person might be unhappy

13:35

on the inside. I think a lot of people

13:37

who have anger and discontent

13:39

in their system, like they

13:41

are just living in a state of discontent, sometimes

13:44

for that person, there are not a lot

13:47

of solutions. And

13:49

therefore, the only way

13:52

to cope with this state is to

13:55

try your best to suffocate

13:57

it and redirect it. And

13:59

oftentimes, Point to plausible external

14:01

things that could validate the

14:03

feelings or give a reason

14:05

for why they

14:08

are acting the way they are acting. So

14:10

a lot of the motivation to push people who

14:12

come close away will be

14:15

to like just validate, rationalize

14:17

to the other person like why they are acting

14:19

the way they are acting. So if you don't

14:21

know why you are unhappy, you don't know why

14:23

you are angry, like if somebody is

14:26

like, hey what's wrong? You be like, it's

14:28

this thing. Like you don't want to, you're

14:30

trying to protect someone from coming into you

14:32

and like deflecting as best you can. It's

14:34

like a self-protective mechanism.

14:38

And so an inability to be sweet

14:41

or inviting, if that

14:44

describes your partner, you can trace

14:46

that back to their internal state.

14:49

If they are offensive, it is

14:51

just emanating from inside of them. It's

14:53

a direct projection of how they feel

14:55

inside. So that might be volatile,

14:58

that might be discontented, that might be just

15:00

barren, like I have nothing to give. Don't

15:03

take it personally, that is how they feel

15:05

inside. And if that

15:07

is how you feel, know

15:09

that it sucks for other people but

15:12

it also sucks for you. Like

15:14

it sucks to have that feeling

15:16

inside. And if you are trying to reject it

15:18

and cope with it and manage it and suppress

15:20

it, I know that

15:22

I've been there and it's like

15:25

sitting in an inconvenient truth. You're

15:28

trying to manage it as best you can

15:30

but it's just not a joyful way to

15:32

live. Outside of hormonal issues, I

15:35

think a lot of the time we get to this state

15:37

often by stretching ourselves too

15:39

thin. And that

15:42

harsh judgment outwards applies

15:45

inwards as well. So

15:47

I'm going to throw it out there.

15:49

Do you have an overly militant bar

15:51

for yourself? And if

15:53

you can imagine a life that's

15:55

lived that way where you are

15:57

over-scheduled and you're overly strict and

15:59

you're overly strict. and you're overly

16:01

exhausted, yes you might

16:04

be getting all of the things done, but that

16:06

means that you, little baby you living

16:08

inside of your being, does

16:11

not get to enjoy their life experience.

16:13

And when we do that to ourselves,

16:15

when we do things at the cost of ourselves,

16:18

what happens is we develop low

16:20

self-worth. Because we feel we

16:22

are not good enough to

16:25

deserve a happy enjoyable

16:27

life with activities and

16:29

room for ourselves to rest and room for

16:31

ourselves to be creative and play and have

16:33

fun and just feel joy. So

16:36

what I'm saying is, if that sounds true

16:38

for you, you owe it

16:40

to yourself and your loved ones to

16:43

treat yourself as if

16:45

you matter in this life equation that is

16:47

your schedule. You need some space for joy.

16:49

You need to think about first things first,

16:52

how do I make space for myself to

16:54

have joy. My

16:56

second example of a person who is

16:59

harsh or rigid or critical, you

17:03

might be thinking I'm the

17:05

person in the relationship that is to

17:07

blame. I am the person that's got

17:09

to go fix myself. I'm

17:12

the person that's the problem. My partner's

17:14

unhappy with me. And

17:16

maybe that's true. Maybe you do have a

17:18

bunch of issues. Maybe you have some hard

17:21

time functioning lately. Either

17:24

way, if you're the one where all of the

17:26

problems are on you, that's what

17:28

I would call being the identified

17:30

patient. A lot of the time

17:33

kids are identified patients in situations

17:35

like this because they're the ones

17:37

that are venting the emotions for

17:40

everyone else in the family system. And

17:42

what that means is there are problems in

17:44

both people. Both people are part

17:46

of the problem. But one

17:49

person is the one that is

17:51

focused on and is acting out

17:53

based on the issues. And

17:56

oftentimes it's a kid because the parents are like

17:58

they have a lot of unspoken problems and

18:00

then the kid is the one that acts out

18:02

all of the issues for the whole family and

18:05

they're the ones that have to go to therapy.

18:07

They're the ones who are fucked up. It's usually

18:09

also the person who is the truth speaker who

18:11

becomes the quote identified patient. By identified patient I

18:13

mean the person who's supposed to go get help

18:16

and is sent to therapy or is having

18:19

all sorts of issues in

18:21

their body and their ability

18:23

to cope with the relationship,

18:25

the family system, the situation.

18:28

Internet, I will say if

18:30

you are the person who is being blamed

18:32

for everything, I'm going to say it's

18:34

likely not all about you being messed up.

18:37

Everyone plays a role in

18:39

the imbalances or overcompensations

18:42

within a relationship system.

18:45

If you are a partner in a relationship

18:47

like this where the issues cannot be talked

18:49

about for fear of setting off an explosion,

18:52

I just want to level with you because

18:54

we should always be able to talk

18:57

about problems. We should always have access

18:59

to working on those problems. We should

19:01

always be able to work on something

19:03

in therapy with somebody. If

19:06

you are not allowed to have that, I just

19:08

want to ask you, is then the goal

19:11

for you to just swallow it? Is your

19:13

assignment then to just grin and

19:15

bear it and deal with

19:17

it and accept it? If

19:22

so, are you going to do that forever? Are

19:25

you accepting that that is the way it's going to be forever?

19:27

If you do, if that is what you

19:29

want to do, that's fine. That's okay for

19:32

you to do. I

19:34

will just call out it's not an easy

19:36

life, but I know a lot of people

19:38

do choose that, like just to

19:40

deal and then find joy in the other

19:42

areas of their life. They

19:44

accept that distance and they just work around

19:46

it. However, if

19:49

that is not your plan, then

19:52

here's what I would invite you to do is just

19:55

recognize the

19:57

situation for what it is. And

20:00

this communication sequence is causing us a

20:02

lot of pain and it's

20:04

not what it's about. What

20:06

it's about is not what it's about. This

20:09

cycle of triggering

20:12

one another is such,

20:14

it feels so overwhelming and it feels

20:16

so paralyzing because it's like you might

20:18

try all the tools and nothing works.

20:23

That's just because you haven't had

20:25

the right tools presented to you

20:27

and or that

20:30

person does not have or

20:32

both people do not have enough grease

20:34

for their love gears, I would say. So

20:37

these are just going to be some tools I would

20:40

invite you to start to practice in

20:42

the hopes of giving

20:44

yourself a little bit more flow,

20:47

a little bit more trust, a

20:49

little bit more faith

20:52

in the positive intentions of one another

20:55

as you move forward in the

20:57

coming weeks and months. So

20:59

with that, here is part three,

21:01

the how, the tools, but first

21:03

a brief word from our sponsors.

21:07

This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.

21:10

For all of you parents out there that

21:12

love unbelievable comfort of MeUndies as much as

21:14

I do, now your kids can join

21:17

the club too. MeUndies is

21:19

launching MeUndies Kids, which as you might

21:21

have guessed is their new super soft

21:23

kids line of underwear. MeUndies

21:26

Kids has four way stretch fabric

21:28

that feels three times softer than

21:30

cotton. And while most

21:32

kids underwear brands are boring and blah

21:35

and sometimes itchy on sensitive skin, MeUndies

21:37

Kids puts the fun back in underwear

21:39

with all kinds of crazy prints and

21:42

patterns. MeUndies Kids are

21:44

kid tested and parent approved. We

21:47

got some really adorable

21:49

unicorn undies and we

21:51

also got some dinosaur

21:53

pretty cool tough undies

21:56

for my son and they came

21:58

with these cute sticks. They had a

22:01

little coloring thing the kids love the

22:03

underwear and they are also so soft

22:05

The quality is it makes me just

22:07

feel like a good parent I

22:11

would say me undies has the softest

22:13

of all kids undies in the market

22:15

and they are made from their Best-selling

22:18

ultra modal fabric that is breathable stretchy

22:20

and oh so comfy making it ideal

22:22

for all-day wear Me undies

22:25

is also tagless which is perfect for

22:27

sensitive skin my kids Don't

22:29

like to feel something itching at them and

22:31

that is why I am a huge fan

22:34

of me undies and they

22:36

are Rigorously tested with colors to make

22:38

sure they are giving kids exactly what

22:40

they want We are

22:42

talking prints and everything from unicorns to

22:44

dinosaurs to penguins to pizza slices They

22:47

use sustainably sourced materials and they work

22:49

with partners that care for their workers

22:52

Check out the brand new me undies kids

22:54

line today to get 20% off

22:56

your first order plus free shipping go to

22:59

me undies Com slash help

23:01

me be me and enter promo code help

23:03

me be me That's me

23:05

undies com slash help me be

23:07

me code Help me be

23:09

me for 20% off plus free

23:11

shipping me undies comfort from

23:14

the outside in This

23:19

episode is brought to you by element element

23:22

Element is a zero sugar

23:24

Electrolyte drink mix and sparkling

23:26

electrolyte water born from the

23:28

growing body of research Revealing

23:30

that optimal health outcomes occur

23:32

at sodium levels two to

23:34

three times government recommendations I'm

23:37

a huge fan of element. I Drink

23:40

it pretty regularly. I give it to all

23:42

the people I love it helps

23:45

anyone stay hydrated without the sugar

23:47

and other dodgy Ingredients that are

23:49

found in popular electrolyte and sports

23:51

drinks Electrolyte deficiency

23:53

or imbalance can cause headaches

23:56

cramps fatigue brain fog and

23:58

weakness and the founder

24:00

of Element is Rob Wolf.

24:03

He is a former research

24:05

biochemist, two-time New York Times

24:08

bestseller author, and

24:10

has now sat on the Navy SEAL

24:12

Resiliency Committee for over a decade. And

24:15

the Element community is proof.

24:17

U.S. Olympians, professional

24:20

athletes, special forces,

24:23

Navy SEALs teams, health

24:25

experts, everyone from Stanford

24:27

neuroscientists to functional nutritionists

24:29

are Element advocates. And

24:32

moms like myself who exercise and

24:34

like to hike. I would call

24:37

my husband a heavy sweater and

24:39

Element is great for all of

24:41

us. Get your free

24:44

Element sample pack with any purchase

24:46

at www.drinkelement.com. Also try the new

24:50

Element Sparkling, a bold 16-ounce

24:52

can of sparkling electrolyte water.

24:55

And you can try Element totally risk-free.

24:57

If you don't like it, they will

24:59

refund your order, no questions asked. They

25:02

have a very low return rate and

25:04

a high reorder rate. And

25:07

they can send new boxes and refunds

25:09

immediately. They constantly hear

25:11

that Element customer service is the

25:13

best no BS customer service

25:15

around. And I

25:18

recommend you try it. You

25:20

can head to www.drinkelement.com. It

25:24

is almost the most wonderful time of year, meaning the holidays. But for

25:28

a lot of

25:34

us, that can be really stressful. There's a

25:36

lot of things on the to-do list and

25:40

pets still have the same

25:42

needs. They still have the same things they

25:44

want and why I shop at Chewie's because

25:46

I can get everything there all at once.

25:49

And you can do it on your schedule. Everything

25:51

gets shipped right to your door in one to

25:53

two days. They have everything you

25:56

can imagine for pets. Not just dogs,

25:58

but cats, birds, fish, and animals. reptiles

26:00

and more and they have

26:02

an incredible month filled with fun and surprises.

26:04

They have holiday savings up to 40 even

26:07

50 off and they have 24 to 48

26:09

hour flash deals, bogos

26:14

and so much more. So

26:16

just keep checking the site and see what new

26:18

deals are available and get something special for the

26:21

beloved pets in your life. Chui's

26:23

auto ship feature is also a

26:26

real stress relieving hero. I've

26:28

set up recurring shipments for things that

26:30

I just don't even have to think

26:32

about running out of. Things like specific

26:35

toys, foods, prescriptions. Chui

26:37

is a stress reliever

26:40

and they have great 24-7 customer service.

26:43

You can get expert advice over the

26:45

phone day or night and

26:47

if you don't love something, Chui's 100% satisfaction

26:50

guarantee lets you return it within

26:52

a year no questions asked. I'm

26:55

a huge fan of Chui for all of these

26:57

reasons but most of all for the selection because

26:59

just get it all done at once is what

27:01

I say. Chui is helping

27:03

take the stress out of the

27:05

holidays. Take advantage of amazing holiday

27:08

savings and shop my personal favorites

27:10

at chewy.com/pod help me be me.

27:13

That's chewy.com/pod help me

27:15

be me. chewy.com/pod

27:17

help me be me.

27:24

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

27:28

I want to dedicate this message

27:31

to my old therapist. If

27:34

she happens to be listening, I don't think she

27:36

is but that woman

27:38

saved my life and I don't

27:40

even cannot imagine who I would

27:42

be without her. This

27:45

month is all about gratitude. It's all

27:47

about taking

27:49

stock of what we have in our

27:51

lives and appreciating those we love. It

27:54

can be really hard sometimes to remind

27:56

ourselves that we are trying

27:58

to make sense of it.

28:00

of ourselves, we're trying to make sense of

28:02

our life experiences, but we're also trying to

28:04

grow and sometimes it's not easy to do

28:06

that alone. So this

28:08

is just a reminder to send

28:11

some thanks to somebody you appreciate in

28:13

your life, but include yourself in that.

28:15

And if you are a

28:17

person who wants to grow with some

28:20

guidance and support, like from a

28:22

therapist, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp

28:25

is online access to

28:27

licensed therapists. It

28:29

is entirely online. You can try somebody out.

28:31

If you don't like them, you can be

28:34

matched with a different therapist. No questions asked.

28:36

There's no additional charge for that. And

28:39

it's designed to be convenient and flexible

28:41

and suited to your schedule. So if

28:43

you are thinking about starting therapy, give

28:46

BetterHelp a try. Let

28:48

the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit

28:51

betterhelp.com/help me be me today

28:53

to get 10% off

28:56

your first month. That's

28:58

betterhelp, help.com/help me

29:01

be me. It

29:06

is almost the holiday season, which is

29:08

part of the reason I decided to

29:10

add AG1 to my routine. AG1

29:13

has probiotics, prebiotics, adaptogens.

29:17

It is a green drink that

29:19

helps your digestion, supports your energy.

29:22

It's one of those things that just makes me

29:24

feel good to drink it and it tastes so

29:27

good. It's one of those things

29:29

I look forward to drinking in the morning. It

29:31

makes me feel like I'm taking really good care

29:33

of my body. I recommend it to everybody, including

29:35

friends, family members. Your

29:37

hair and nails will feel stronger. You

29:40

can recover more quickly from workouts. It

29:42

gives you a boost in energy, less

29:44

bloating and more regularity. TMI.

29:46

Anyway, I think it's a

29:48

fantastic line of products and

29:50

especially as we move into

29:52

the holidays, why not

29:55

give the gift of balance

29:57

and health. This holiday season, try

29:59

AG1. I

38:00

wanted to invite you, this is a weird one.

38:03

First of all, big caveat. If

38:05

you are in an abusive relationship,

38:08

never stay in an abusive, I'm not condoning

38:10

that in any shape or form. Exit it

38:13

carefully. Google

38:15

domestic violence. Help

38:17

follow the steps of a safety plan.

38:20

That is not what I'm talking about in this situation. I'm

38:22

talking about like, where

38:25

both people have power

38:27

and safety. If you're in

38:29

a long relationship and you are not sure

38:31

if it's a good relationship, I think one

38:34

of the most painful aspects of that is

38:36

just being in a

38:38

constant state of, am

38:41

I gonna break up with this person? Am I

38:43

gonna move out of this relationship? And

38:45

we can spend a lot of

38:47

time fixating on how

38:49

much we don't like the relationship. Like

38:52

it becomes like kind of a dominant

38:55

part of our day, a dominant part

38:57

of our thinking. And this

38:59

is a weird idea, but I wanted to

39:02

invite you to examine instead, instead of spending

39:04

all that time and energy talking about this

39:06

thing, thinking about how much you dislike it,

39:10

instead just trust your body

39:12

and what your body's actions are as

39:16

your truest decision of

39:19

where you are in the relationship and what

39:22

you are willing to do today right

39:24

now. I think a lot

39:26

of the time we get so upset at ourselves

39:29

for not leaving a relationship, or we feel

39:32

like, why am I staying in

39:34

this? I'm so stupid, this is so bad.

39:36

Why am I doing this? It's like, we'll

39:38

have a mental debate and

39:40

think about why we're tolerating the

39:42

bad relationship, why the relationship is

39:45

so terrible, why it's haunting

39:47

us and why we're trapped. And all

39:49

of that, I think all of this thinking about

39:52

the relationship is way more painful

39:56

than just if

39:59

we are choosing whether... actions to be in

40:01

the relationship, we just are

40:03

in it. And that's what we are choosing

40:05

with our actions. If we only had that

40:07

part of the pain, it'd

40:09

be way more tolerable than

40:12

all of the mental narration.

40:15

And my point

40:17

is, remove what... this is

40:19

kind of like this cloud of the

40:21

second arrow of judgment in that it's

40:23

unnecessary. All of the thinking about why

40:25

I'm not leaving and why am I

40:27

stuck and what... get

40:29

rid of that stuff. That part is not

40:32

helping anybody. And it also is a

40:36

fight with what is. Whenever we're

40:38

fighting ourselves on what is,

40:40

we're just causing ourselves

40:43

unnecessary pain. So outside

40:45

of that, if you're in a shitty relationship,

40:47

the only thing you have to do is

40:50

start working on yourself. Start

40:52

strengthening yourself. Start getting

40:54

your confidence up. Go

40:57

to therapy for support. Work

40:59

on how you can feel more

41:02

capable, more connected to other

41:04

people. Improve

41:06

all of your resources as an individual.

41:09

But get rid of all the judgment in

41:12

your thought process about why you're

41:14

not leaving the situation, why you're stupid

41:16

for staying in it, how

41:19

bad it is. And know that when

41:21

you are ready to leave, and it

41:23

is something that all of you has

41:25

chosen, you will leave it. You

41:28

will watch your own behavior for

41:30

cues on how ready you

41:33

are. It's a weird thing, but like you'll

41:35

watch yourself taking steps. Like you'll watch yourself

41:38

finding an apartment. You'll watch yourself finding,

41:40

changing your account info. You'll watch

41:42

yourself taking actual practical

41:45

steps. But it'll almost come from

41:47

a deeper, more resolute

41:49

part of you. It's not as much in

41:51

this thinking chattering part of your brain. I

41:54

don't know if that made any sense. I hope it did. Hope it

41:56

helps. All right, next to all, share the

41:58

reality. This is a little bit of a

42:00

risky one, but I wanted to put it

42:02

in here. A

42:05

lot of the time with couples, if

42:08

you are in a shitty situation, you're

42:10

both fighting a lot, you're very distant,

42:13

having a shared reality can

42:15

be intensely healing

42:19

and give you more closeness than if

42:21

you didn't talk about anything at all.

42:24

And I know that when there is no solution, it

42:26

feels like, well, we can't talk about it, what are

42:29

we gonna do? Like, we're not, there's

42:31

nothing to do from here. But

42:34

if you can disclose how

42:36

you feel about a problem, if

42:39

you can talk about it in

42:41

a completely neutral, non-offensive way, and

42:43

ensure that you are coming from a place

42:46

that is only talking about yourself, talking about

42:48

where you're struggling, not placing blame, coming

42:50

from a completely neutral energy with

42:53

the goal of being loving,

42:56

compassionate, communicative, that

42:59

can give you almost

43:01

like a pop-a-zit on the issue in that it

43:03

gives you air. It'll bring

43:05

new air and respect into

43:08

the relationship room. So,

43:10

wanted to throw it out there, because

43:13

when both people are secretly feeling a certain way

43:15

and they don't talk about it, it

43:17

just means like you're living alone in a lie.

43:20

You're living alone in this reality.

43:23

And when you can share that reality, there's

43:25

somewhere to move from there. You can problem

43:28

solve. You can talk

43:30

about your pain together. It's a

43:32

weird version of being closer. All

43:36

right, the next tool is called

43:38

the overflowing cup. So,

43:41

in this dry kindling, we're

43:43

both like pulling. We

43:46

have nothing to give. There's no grease. So,

43:48

when you can create

43:51

a little bit of grease or like slack

43:53

in that rope that is too tight, you

43:57

create more material. for

43:59

things to change. It's like there's

44:01

more ability for both people to

44:03

change, for both people to grow.

44:06

And I know it's hard to do

44:08

this, especially if you have a lot of unmet needs. But

44:12

as an experiment, I want you

44:14

to imagine with your partner that

44:16

you have an overflowing cup. And by

44:18

that I mean I have

44:21

everything to give. I need nothing from

44:23

you. My job as your partner is

44:26

only to give gifts. It's only to

44:28

fill your cup. It's

44:30

not to make you feel

44:33

guilty for not helping me. It's

44:35

not to voice all the things

44:37

I'm doing right. It's just to

44:39

fill your cup. And if you

44:41

don't feel like you have that

44:43

ability, if it's like, I'm

44:45

already pissed. I'm already

44:47

exhausted. I've tried

44:49

for too long and I'm not going to

44:52

try anymore. Then I would say just start

44:54

with the small nonverbal gestures. But

44:57

if you can reframe your mind toward this, I

44:59

think about like, my grandparents for example,

45:01

they treated each other like that with

45:04

such reverence and like unending

45:09

love. Like I will give forever if you

45:11

take forever. That was the way they treated

45:13

one another. And I was like, holy

45:16

shit. That is kind.

45:20

Like what an incredible relationship

45:22

to be in. How good would that feel? And

45:25

then I realized like, if

45:27

you're one person in that role, like let's say

45:29

just like I took one of them out and

45:32

I put somebody else that's in a shitty relationship

45:34

into that relationship. I

45:36

think that eventually the other person

45:38

would be healed by that unconditional

45:41

love. You know what I mean?

45:43

It's like living in a community

45:45

where everyone is peaceful. It's like

45:47

it's contagious. So just wanted

45:49

to throw that out there as just a food for thought.

45:53

All right. And then the next

45:55

tool is called Nothing

45:57

Left to Give. are

46:00

a person that feels like they have

46:02

nothing left to give, that you're just

46:05

like muscling through the insane to-do list

46:07

that is your life, I

46:10

just wanted to invite you to create a

46:12

little bit of wiggle room in

46:14

your belief system. And I think because

46:17

there's this like unrealistic standard in

46:20

culture that is kind of like

46:22

normalized through social channels, it's like

46:24

we all see these examples of

46:27

like all the shit you're supposed

46:30

to buy, all the practices you're supposed to

46:32

have, all the sports you're supposed to play,

46:34

all the classes you're supposed to take, all

46:36

of the, there's all of these things that

46:38

we're supposed to do and we're supposed to

46:40

have and the way we're supposed to look

46:42

and the things we're supposed to do in

46:45

a day and those all change with

46:47

the times. Every generation, every

46:49

era has its own set of

46:52

those things. If

46:54

you've watched the Martha Stewart documentary on Netflix,

46:56

I was just like marveling at the set

46:59

of the to-do list of the 90s,

47:01

like, oh, interesting. So those would be

47:04

the things that I would supposed to,

47:06

if I was like a mom in that time, I

47:09

would be demanded to execute.

47:13

All of these things are pressures that we feel

47:16

at a certain point and if

47:19

that set of things right

47:21

now for you is making you chronically

47:23

cranky, I want

47:25

you to look at that first, that

47:28

being a person that you don't

47:30

like is a bigger

47:34

priority than checking all

47:36

of these 500 boxes. I

47:39

want to invite you to

47:41

choose to prioritize your feelings of

47:44

peace, freedom, enjoyment, and

47:47

space over the to-do list of culture.

47:51

If there's one tweak you

47:53

can make in this area, for example,

47:57

cross half of your to-do

48:00

items off of your holiday schedule. Imagine

48:02

that. If you had to do that,

48:04

I want you to remove half of

48:06

them. What would that look like? What

48:09

time would that open up? How would you feel? Would

48:11

it be different? Would

48:14

you have more energy? Would you have

48:16

more creativity? Play, all

48:18

of that stuff. Food for thought.

48:22

And those are my tools.

48:24

I hope they're helpful. Before I close, I wanted

48:26

to say thank you to one of my latest

48:28

sponsors, Tiffin. I

48:30

think that's how you say your

48:33

name. Thank you so much for your donation. Very

48:35

appreciated. Anyone who has the means to

48:38

make a donation, you can head to yaywithme.com

48:40

or visit me on Patreon. And if you

48:42

don't have the means, I totally understand. If

48:45

you could share this with someone, it could help,

48:47

that helps me as well. So

48:50

in closing, love

48:52

is a choice. And

48:55

closeness is a choice. And

48:58

we are constantly coming

49:01

around to another person's side

49:03

and making an effort to

49:05

demonstrate to them our

49:07

willingness to connect. And

49:10

sometimes that feels really, really fucking

49:12

hard. But love

49:14

and relationships is a long game,

49:17

like a super long game. I

49:19

didn't realize how long of a

49:21

game it is. And

49:24

I mean like decades,

49:26

you know? If you can think in

49:28

terms of what's my end goal

49:30

for that? A lot

49:33

of that will be deciding

49:35

I am willing to

49:38

read the script that you need to hear.

49:41

I am willing to play the role

49:43

in this play that you need me

49:45

to play. And I know

49:47

that is just for you and it

49:50

is not at all for me. So

49:53

give up the grease unconditionally, see

49:55

how that changes your balance, see

49:57

how it least improves conditions and

49:59

make. it less volatile. And

50:02

just, I'm

50:05

not at all normalizing harsh and hurtful

50:07

treatment. Do not tolerate harsh and hurtful

50:09

treatment. Protect yourself, love yourself. But if

50:12

you are dealing with somebody who is

50:14

inflexible and you see no solutions, focus

50:16

on you. How can I improve

50:19

myself, love myself, recondition

50:22

myself toward being happy

50:24

and have an overflowing

50:26

cup? And

50:29

I send you my love and don't forget

50:31

to smile. This

51:03

episode is brought to you by Indeed. We're

51:06

driven by the search for better. When

51:08

it comes to hiring, the best way to search for

51:10

a candidate isn't to search at all. Don't

51:13

search, match with Indeed. If

51:16

you need to hire, you need Indeed. Indeed

51:18

is your matching and hiring platform

51:21

with over 350 million global monthly

51:23

visitors, according to Indeed data, and

51:25

a matching engine that helps you

51:27

find quality candidates fast. Dish

51:30

the busy work. Use Indeed for scheduling, screening,

51:32

and messaging so you can connect with

51:35

candidates faster. And,

51:37

Indeed doesn't just help you hire faster.

51:40

93% of employers agree Indeed delivers

51:43

the highest quality matches compared to

51:45

other job sites, according to a

51:47

recent Indeed survey. When

51:49

I was looking to hire somebody, it took a

51:51

long time. It felt a little bit overwhelming. I

51:53

wish I had used Indeed. Leveraging

51:56

over 140 million qualifications and preferences every

51:58

day, Indeed is my best Indeed's matching

52:00

engine is constantly learning from your preferences,

52:02

so the more you use Indeed, the

52:04

better it gets. Join

52:07

more than 3.5 million businesses worldwide

52:09

that use Indeed to hire great

52:11

talent fast. And listeners of this

52:13

show will get a

52:16

$75 sponsored job credit to get your

52:18

jobs more visibility at

52:21

indeed.com/helpmebeme. Just

52:23

go to indeed.com/helpmebeme right now and

52:25

support our show by saying you

52:28

heard about Indeed on this podcast.

52:31

indeed.com/helpmebeme. Terms

52:34

and conditions apply. Need to hire?

52:37

You need Indeed.