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Pants on Amazon today. This

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with Lulu Lemon, the real gift. Welcome

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to Help Me Be Me. I'm your

1:32

host, Sarah Mae Bates. I'm a writer,

1:35

director, mom, and a breakup coach with

1:37

an MAMFT. And this podcast is kind

1:39

of like a personal relationship. In that

1:41

I talk to you, like you're my

1:44

friend. I provide tools to help you

1:46

feel more grounded, empowered, inspired, inspired, and

1:48

most of all, help you see yourself.

1:50

This is aimed at creating more harmony

1:53

and happiness in the relationship you have

1:55

with you. So you can better guide

1:57

your life and better to those you

1:59

love. leave the rest. This is

2:01

not a diagnosis for treatment. If

2:04

you're really struggling, call your local

2:06

emergency services. Hi friends, it's Help

2:09

Me Be Me and this is

2:11

an episode I'm calling Easy Does

2:13

It. It's for collecting self in

2:16

times of overwhelm. If you are

2:18

in California you are aware that

2:20

there are many many fires happening

2:23

right now. If you're anywhere in

2:25

the world, you're probably aware of

2:27

that. I am in California and

2:30

I grew up in the Palisades,

2:32

which has been decimated by wildfires.

2:35

And this is an episode I

2:37

wrote in response to that because

2:39

it's something that's still ongoing, over

2:42

the risk of losing. more and

2:44

I started this episode as something

2:46

completely different and now it's evolved

2:49

into something that's really about nurturing

2:51

and licking wounds and I will

2:53

say as a creator it's very

2:56

hard to put something out there

2:58

right now because everything feels like

3:00

not enough everything feels a little

3:03

trite but as with all of

3:05

my episodes Excuse me. As with

3:08

all my episodes, I have the

3:10

same caveat, which is take what

3:12

helps and leave the rest. Because

3:15

as a self-helper, you got to

3:17

help. That's what you do. You

3:19

got to try something. So this

3:22

is an episode that's for times

3:24

of stress or overwhelm of any

3:26

kind. I think what is most

3:29

challenging about moving through a state

3:31

of disaster in your life is

3:34

our lack of ability to think.

3:36

when we have so much information

3:38

that we're trying to ingest so

3:41

quickly and we're already in that

3:43

disregulated state it's like you know

3:45

trying to with oven

3:48

mitts on it's

3:50

like it just

3:52

feels like you're

3:55

a blunt object

3:57

it's very hard

3:59

and when you

4:02

are suffering any

4:04

kind of loss

4:07

in your life

4:09

it's it's often

4:11

a state of

4:13

dysregulation for for in waves

4:15

for a long period

4:17

of time and so everything

4:19

will feel kind of wrong

4:22

everything will feel trite

4:24

or irritating other people's responses

4:26

often feel insensitive or

4:28

not right you might feel

4:30

in response to that

4:32

state very internal and not

4:34

want contact you also

4:36

might feel the opposite you

4:38

might feel extra needy

4:40

or a or crave connection

4:42

to others who are

4:44

going through what you're going

4:46

through so net net if

4:48

you are going through

4:50

any disaster in your life

4:52

right now any overwhelm

4:54

invite acceptance in yourself for all

4:56

of the range of feelings

4:58

and do not blame yourself

5:00

for any of them even

5:03

if sometimes they feel petty

5:05

or they feel you feel

5:07

like guilty right now first

5:09

things first easy does it

5:11

throwing out all of

5:13

my favorite Alan on slogans

5:15

also if you are a person

5:17

who is on the other side of

5:19

it and you're witnessing other people

5:21

in your life go through very stressful

5:23

states I know it can be

5:25

painful to not be able to

5:28

help it can be painful to

5:30

be in that state of powerlessness feels

5:32

like everything you do is not

5:34

enough like you are not enough

5:36

and there is something that Esther Perel

5:38

refers to as the vulnerability sequence

5:40

she talks about in the context

5:42

of committed relationships and it's that

5:44

sequence of responses that get a

5:46

lot of couples feeling really

5:48

distant from one another which

5:50

is one person makes a

5:52

bid for connection reaches out

5:54

for love and connection and

5:56

then the other person's response

5:58

to them feels like we're rejection

6:00

or is not what they

6:02

wanted and then that makes

6:05

that person kind of shut

6:07

down and feel hurt and

6:09

then that response makes the

6:11

partner feel Equally hurt and

6:13

shut down or lonely or

6:15

unseen. So it's kind of

6:17

like this like, you know,

6:19

pain game of tennis where

6:21

it's like I have a

6:23

response that makes you feel

6:25

a response which makes the

6:27

other person have a response

6:29

Net net I think everyone

6:31

has a vulnerability in all

6:33

of their relationships, including casual

6:35

relationships and friendships. And if

6:37

you are trying really hard

6:40

to be sensitive and you're

6:42

trying to really reach out

6:44

to other people, it can

6:46

feel very scary and vulnerable

6:48

to do so. And then

6:50

on the receiving end, you're

6:52

probably going through a lot

6:54

of mixed emotions and vulnerability.

6:56

It can make a lot

6:58

of people that mean very

7:00

well, grow afraid to do

7:02

anything. It can make you

7:04

afraid to reach out to

7:06

another person, and if you

7:08

are feeling overly afraid right

7:10

now to reach out to

7:12

somebody, or you're feeling overly

7:15

sensitive about misstepping with someone,

7:17

I want to encourage you

7:19

to reach out anyway, despite

7:21

that, override that fear right

7:23

now, in service of touching

7:25

someone's heart with love. at

7:29

a time when that is most

7:31

healing and comforting. Like let go

7:33

of if it's right or perfect

7:35

and just reach out to someone,

7:38

maybe they're affected, maybe they're just

7:40

lonely, maybe they could use some

7:42

love, everyone could use some love.

7:45

Just say I'm thinking of you,

7:47

can I help you? And if

7:49

you don't know anyone that's affected

7:51

by disaster of any kind, I

7:54

encourage you to visit, go fund

7:56

me and donate. to people you

7:58

don't know I'm talking like five

8:01

dollars. It's a great way to

8:03

make today a little more positive

8:05

and loving for everyone. And

8:08

so with that this is a

8:10

what I'm calling a path back

8:12

to feeling grounded and safe in

8:14

self. If you are suffering right

8:17

now from the loss of your

8:19

home or from the loss of

8:21

something else, if you're suffering from

8:23

old loss, it's a perfect time

8:26

to use the slogan easy does

8:28

it. And that is a great

8:30

Allenon slogan. It really,

8:32

it means a lot of

8:34

different things at different times.

8:36

And I would say it's a

8:39

slogan that is a reminder that

8:41

we can only take on as

8:43

much as we can handle. And

8:46

sometimes the best thing we can

8:48

do is slow down and take

8:50

some of the immediacy off of

8:52

ourselves so we can return to

8:55

a situation with more clarity, with

8:57

more resource. And I think

8:59

a lot of the time when we

9:01

are in a desperate dire energy,

9:04

we get into that habit

9:06

of forcing. We are using

9:08

blunt force. We're trying to

9:10

force solutions fast. And when

9:12

we're in that state, we

9:14

may not be able to

9:16

solve it in the time

9:18

we wish we could solve

9:20

it. And a lot of

9:22

the problems we're trying to

9:24

solve are not for us.

9:26

to solve even if we

9:28

wish we could. Which brings me

9:31

to a why, the why in

9:33

this episode. It's really easy

9:35

to double down on force

9:37

when you're overwhelmed because you're

9:39

Biology is flailing for grounding

9:41

and control. If you are

9:43

not in an immediate state

9:46

of emergency, like if you're

9:48

not in danger and needing

9:50

to flee, then I think

9:52

any time you are noticing

9:54

yourself trying to control, grasping

9:56

for control, it's a sign

9:59

you need. to step back and

10:01

ground. And by that I mean

10:03

really simple things like breathing deeply,

10:05

anything you can do to slow

10:08

your heart rate, anything you can

10:10

do to change your physiology like

10:12

temperature changes can kind of get

10:14

you out of the spiral of

10:16

thinking. Additionally, if you are a

10:18

person who is perfectionistic or you

10:21

are grown up, you grew up

10:23

very young, like you had to

10:25

be kind of a tiny adult.

10:27

I think times of overwhelm. especially

10:30

for us mean we are

10:32

taken offline. And we get

10:34

into that energy really quickly

10:36

of rushing, yelling. It's like

10:38

you're in a functional state

10:40

of heightened panic. And that

10:42

means it can go on

10:44

for longer than is healthy.

10:46

So if you are defending

10:48

against that feeling of powerlessness,

10:50

easy does it is a

10:52

reminder that we have to

10:54

be... gentle with ourselves. It's a

10:57

little flag that's saying, I got

10:59

to slow down. I got to

11:01

be kind and I got to

11:03

be gentle. It's very easy to

11:05

feel impatient with life and with

11:07

our progress in life and with

11:09

others in our life and especially

11:12

when we're in pain, especially when

11:14

we're in a state of discomfort.

11:16

And I often ask my kids

11:18

when they're in that state of

11:20

tantrum, is that helpful or is

11:23

that hurtful? Are you helping? Are

11:25

you hurting? Are you being nice or

11:27

mean? And sometimes it's just, that's,

11:29

it's that simple. We got to

11:31

come back and just to the

11:33

intention of being nice, being nice

11:36

to ourselves. When we are struggling

11:38

with a lack of control, we

11:40

often act out against ourselves, against

11:43

ourselves and others. So the first

11:45

thing I want to ask if

11:47

you're being, if you're feeling like

11:49

you're forcing things, if you're feeling

11:52

like you're being mean. internally.

11:54

Come back and can I be

11:57

a little bit more gentle? Can

11:59

I be a... little bit more kind. Can I take

12:01

a deep breath? Because

12:05

your body, when it's calm, can

12:07

just move through things as

12:09

it's able. So it's

12:11

able to take in things.

12:13

And for me, easy does

12:15

it is just a sign. I

12:17

need to take a little

12:19

extra time in order to do

12:22

things right because there's a lot

12:24

of information to process and

12:26

that information is kind of flooding

12:28

in. So if you are a

12:30

person who is high functioning with

12:32

a history of trauma, I will

12:34

also remind you that the

12:36

hardest thing for you to do

12:38

is ask for help. Slow

12:41

down enough to ask for help

12:43

and really take the help

12:45

when you need it because it

12:47

feels dangerous to our nervous

12:49

system. It feels like falling backwards.

12:51

That pain of opening up,

12:53

of exposing yourself to others, it

12:55

feels like we might lose

12:58

control. It feels like we might

13:00

break. We might cry. We

13:02

might fall apart and not be

13:04

able to get back up

13:06

again. It's that slipping into, I

13:08

can't control what's gonna flood

13:10

out of me. That feels

13:12

like we shouldn't do it.

13:14

We should just keep going, keep

13:16

muscling. And it's that slipping into

13:18

the morning or the sadness

13:20

that feels dangerous and feels too

13:23

close to home. But I want to

13:25

pause and ask you if that is resonating

13:27

at all for you. Right

13:29

now in your life, are you

13:31

asking for enough help from those

13:34

around you? Are you asking those

13:36

around you to show up for

13:38

you in the ways that could

13:40

really, really help right now?

13:42

Because when another person is

13:44

allowed to help you, it

13:46

is such a great compliment. It

13:48

makes them feel so good, so

13:50

worthy. It means

13:52

I am close to you. You

13:54

are my equal. You are my

13:56

kin. We are intimate. It feels

13:59

sensitive at times. It feels like

14:01

comfortable at times, but it is

14:03

a gift to both people.

14:05

It is not an imposition,

14:07

it is a gift. When

14:09

we experience anxiety and fear,

14:11

a lot of the time,

14:13

your brain is just offline.

14:16

Your amygdala hijacks the brain

14:18

and that is when your

14:20

brain becomes not capable of

14:22

accessing the more intelligent, reflective,

14:24

more planning-centric parts of the

14:26

brain. future planning parts of

14:28

the brain. And therefore, by

14:30

default, know that you are

14:33

short-sighted and you are threat-focused.

14:35

And it will tell your

14:37

body dire things. It will

14:39

tell you danger, doom and

14:41

gloom. So just be aware,

14:43

if you're overstimulated by anxiety

14:45

right now, that anxiety is

14:47

outweighing the more logical parts

14:49

of your brain. And that

14:52

is just a sign. If

14:54

I'm doing and gloomy, I

14:56

gotta call my body. That's

14:58

the first thing's first, I

15:00

gotta call my body. So

15:02

if you are a person

15:04

who is trying to work

15:06

while you're being distracted by

15:09

fires, if you are a

15:11

person who has to fill

15:13

out lots of paperwork, if

15:15

you are a person who

15:17

is trying to function in

15:19

like a resourceful way, You

15:21

might feel foggy, you might

15:23

feel confused, you might feel

15:25

disoriented. If this is happening

15:28

first, just forgive yourself and

15:30

take pause and know that

15:32

you will get there. It's

15:34

just important to be easy.

15:36

Does it? Really gentle with

15:38

yourself. That is the beginning

15:40

of the path to clarity

15:42

is just recognizing what's happening.

15:45

Gentle, loving, kindness, and patience.

15:47

You will get there when

15:49

you need to. Take a

15:51

breather. Sooth. And then continue

15:53

on. Okay, and now

15:55

I have a tool section.

15:58

This tool section is... A

16:00

lot of similar type of

16:03

stuff, but hopefully something

16:05

in here will help you

16:07

before I do that a

16:09

brief word from our

16:11

sponsors. This episode is brought

16:14

to you by better help.

16:16

Every January we get a

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really good. It makes me

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feel balanced. It makes me

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feel focused and healthy. And

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that's in part because I

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vitamins are easy to combine

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into this routine. So I

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work out every day, I have

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my green juice every day and I

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feel just like myself, I feel really

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balanced. Even in the holidays when things

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can get a little bit out of

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routine or a little bit stressful, it's

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a great way to just ground

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be me to start your new

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year on a healthier note. All

19:35

right, the tools section. Take

19:37

what helps, leave the rest. All

19:39

right, first tool, acts of agency,

19:42

a gratitude list. If you are

19:44

not able to do much and

19:46

you are not grateful for

19:48

actual things that have happened

19:51

recently, I think one way

19:53

to do a gratitude list

19:55

and just remind yourself of

19:57

to have a positive bias

19:59

is... to focus on the

20:01

things that you have ability

20:03

around to make things happen

20:06

in your life and be

20:08

active. So a gratitude list

20:10

around agency. I'm grateful for

20:13

the power of my body.

20:15

I'm grateful for my

20:17

ability to be active. I'm

20:19

grateful for all that I

20:22

can make real with my person.

20:24

I'm grateful for my

20:26

ability to draw beautiful

20:28

things. This is just

20:30

an invitation to

20:32

journal around things that are

20:35

essential to who you are

20:37

in your humanity that will never

20:39

go away. All right, the

20:41

next tool. Behold the fog.

20:43

I have already touched on

20:45

this, but I think noticing

20:48

the signs of dysregulation and

20:50

when your brain is offline

20:52

is really the core. of being

20:54

able to move through life in

20:56

like a measured way. It's just

20:58

like realizing like, oh I'm getting

21:00

into that, I'm noticing I'm rushing,

21:02

I'm noticing I'm trying to force

21:04

things, I'm noticing I'm in my

21:06

high zone. People respond to threat

21:09

in different ways. You either go

21:11

high or you go low. High

21:13

zone is like feeling emotionally erratic,

21:15

you're rushing, your brain is not

21:17

linear, your heart's pounding, your thoughts

21:19

are doomening and gloomy. You might

21:22

feel, uh... like fearful, all of

21:24

those kind of heightened state

21:26

things. For other people, they

21:28

go into the opposite. They

21:30

go into a low zone

21:32

where they have zero energy.

21:35

You feel listless, you feel

21:37

tired, you feel spaced out,

21:39

you feel slow, you feel

21:41

exhausted. You might have myopia

21:43

and just thoughts of hopelessness.

21:45

thought like, you know, the

21:48

dooming and glooming, but like

21:50

opposite energetic state. If you

21:52

get into either of those

21:54

states, first, you notice it, recognize

21:56

it. Oh, I'm feeling really out

21:59

of it. And next

22:01

step is grounding exercise.

22:03

Giving yourself grace, but

22:06

grounding exercises. And they

22:08

are super simple, you

22:10

know, primal types of things.

22:12

Like, um... temperature-based

22:15

changes, being outside in nature,

22:17

breathing exercises, meditation exercises, moving

22:19

things in your body. I

22:21

like to do cold showers

22:23

if I'm in like the

22:25

high zone just because it

22:27

stops the line of thinking.

22:29

Hot bath, things to do with

22:31

pressure are really good. Putting

22:33

pressure on different parts of

22:35

your body are really good

22:37

for some people. Drinking cold

22:40

water, simple one. And anything

22:42

that... that I haven't thrown out

22:44

there. If you know yourself well,

22:46

this is when we pull out

22:48

our 911 list and we do

22:50

one of those things. Grace is

22:52

in the name of the game.

22:55

All right, the next tool, anguish

22:57

wants an exit. When we are

22:59

overcome by feelings of powerlessness, it

23:01

is healing just to be in

23:03

motion to give our energy and

23:06

exit and demonstrate a sense of

23:08

agency. So for me at home

23:10

in the last week, that has

23:12

been. cleaning nonstop. Just like animals,

23:14

like when you have anxious energy

23:17

built up in your body, we

23:19

have to get it out. We

23:21

have to put it somewhere. So

23:23

if you are feeling anguish, give

23:25

it an exit point. And I'm

23:27

gonna say, any moving meditation that

23:29

activates a sense of agency, that

23:32

you feel like you can create

23:34

positive change in the world, this

23:36

can be a way to soothe

23:39

and not let that. the trauma

23:41

of the powerlessness stay stuck in

23:43

your body. I think some of

23:46

the most traumatizing experiences are ones

23:48

when we were powerless and we

23:50

could not we could not move

23:53

our body to help ourselves. So

23:55

if you are feeling like a

23:57

buildup in yourself, be in motion.

23:59

your helplessness a target anything constructive

24:02

it can be actually helping people

24:04

it can be helping things in

24:06

your immediate space it could be

24:09

cleaning anything just making anything better

24:11

all right the next tool gather

24:13

your altar build sanctuary this is

24:16

these are two just journaling prompts

24:18

for you I also invite you

24:20

if you are in a place

24:23

that is not your home One

24:25

way to create a felt sense

24:27

of home is to build a

24:30

small altar or area with like

24:32

a collection of objects that feel

24:34

somewhat personal and or beautiful, like

24:37

a little menagerie of solace. If

24:39

you are in a corner or

24:41

safe space, it's like just even

24:44

arranging one or two things that

24:46

feel pretty to you that feel

24:48

personal to you can be healing.

24:51

All right, the journal prompts. and

24:53

you can do this in your

24:55

phone if you have a phone.

24:58

First list is I am safe.

25:00

This is an exercise to do

25:02

if you find that your brain

25:05

is going out of the rational

25:07

and just into the emotional and

25:09

you can't stop. Write a list

25:12

to ground yourself of rational facts

25:14

about your safety and your environment

25:16

and reality. I am in a

25:19

room. I am physically healthy. I

25:21

am warm. I have a toothbrush.

25:23

My children are here. I have

25:26

shoes. Whatever the things are. Noticing

25:28

things in the environment. This is

25:30

just a way to like rebalance

25:33

the hemispheres of the brain and

25:35

get yourself a little bit more

25:37

balanced. This is a martial line

25:40

hand, DBT tool. I love, I've

25:42

used a bajillion times in my

25:44

life, but it's just a helpful

25:47

way to get you back online.

25:49

Second list. This is a journal

25:51

exercise. that I think

25:53

is a Just a way

25:56

to recognize what is good

25:58

around us and and notice

26:00

that we are all way

26:02

more connected to one another's

26:05

humanity via hardship. It's kind

26:07

of like we're in that

26:09

portal of life and death

26:11

like when a baby is

26:14

born and it's like you

26:16

in those moments there is

26:18

this beauty of connection that

26:20

is unparalleled when we're outside

26:23

of it. It's a profound

26:25

feeling. That is what I

26:27

want you to channel in

26:29

the second journal prompt, which

26:32

is all that I have.

26:34

And if that feels like

26:36

I don't want to do

26:38

that, that's not helpful. Ignore

26:41

it. But often in times

26:43

of hardship, we notice all

26:45

the love that we have,

26:47

all of the people in

26:49

our lives. all of the

26:52

connection we have to strangers.

26:54

So if this feels right

26:56

for you, journal on that,

26:58

I have so much love

27:01

from my community. I have

27:03

loved ones who've reached out

27:05

to me. I have friends

27:07

who are thinking of me.

27:10

I have my family members

27:12

with me. I have all

27:14

this time I'm getting to

27:16

spend with these people, etc.

27:19

All right. The next tool.

27:21

calling gift loss space. And

27:23

this is a journal entry

27:25

if you are feeling overcome

27:28

today. In moments when something

27:30

bad has happened, it's really

27:32

conflicting to have, sometimes we

27:34

have opposite feelings, really really

27:37

strong opposite feelings, and we

27:39

might feel bad about some

27:41

of the feelings we have.

27:43

There can be mourning, but

27:45

there can also be gratitude.

27:48

You know, it's like that

27:50

survivor's guilt in a different

27:52

shape or form. It's like

27:54

you can feel... really bad

27:57

for what you contain all

27:59

of these feelings and more.

28:01

So if you are feeling

28:03

overcome, I invite you to

28:06

make space for yourself in

28:08

your journal, write all the

28:10

conflicting, powerful emotions. I'm grateful

28:12

to have a home. I'm so

28:15

sad for so many who have

28:17

lost their home. I'm grateful to

28:19

have a job. I'm struggling to

28:22

focus on that job. Well, so

28:24

much uncertainty is currently happening, etc.

28:26

Just that dump of feeling. a

28:28

related tool, feelings are healings. Sound

28:31

like a camp counselor, don't I?

28:33

When we move through waves of

28:35

feeling, I think a lot of

28:38

the time we tell ourselves that

28:40

some of those feelings are not

28:42

healthy. We push them down or

28:44

we can feel conflicted. Like, I

28:46

can't, I can't feel that right

28:49

now. I can't open that right

28:51

now. And I just want to

28:53

remind you that a lot of the

28:55

time... Feelings are helpful because they're

28:57

telling us something needs to happen.

28:59

And I just wanted to offer

29:02

this to you because I found it

29:04

helpful when I was in a really,

29:06

really bad spot, just emotionally disregulated, really

29:08

overwhelmed by those emotions. I was so

29:11

resistant to feeling them because it felt

29:13

scary. I felt like I'm going to,

29:15

they're going to destroy me. I'm going

29:18

to fall apart and I'm not going

29:20

to be able to put myself back

29:22

together. My therapist at the time said,

29:25

Go ahead, do it, fall apart,

29:27

fall apart, let it all

29:29

out. And then get up,

29:31

put yourself back

29:33

together, get a Kleenex,

29:36

and keep going. It's okay

29:38

to fall apart sometimes.

29:40

It's okay to be

29:43

a mess sometimes. And

29:45

if you are holding

29:47

things in, know that

29:49

that's not necessarily good for

29:52

you. I mean, it is.

29:54

Resistance is not soothing. It

29:56

can also make us feel

29:58

even more dysregulated or... more, it's

30:00

like a pot, I use the

30:03

metaphor of a pot that's boiling,

30:05

it's like it just gets full,

30:07

and sometimes it's just really helpful

30:10

to just have that release. Okay,

30:12

the next tools are more for

30:14

if you are not in a

30:17

state of emergency coping, and these

30:19

were tools I was gonna have

30:21

in the other episode I was

30:24

gonna do today, but I'm keeping

30:26

them in here in case it's

30:28

helpful to anyone who is safe

30:31

and just dealing with a lot

30:33

of trigger right now or emotional

30:35

overwhelm. First tool is called the

30:38

old selves. I think stressful times

30:40

are especially triggering for a lot

30:43

of people with trauma and as

30:45

you move through difficult times, if

30:47

you are living in a place

30:50

of trigger, it'll... It'll be a

30:52

self that comes out that had

30:54

an experience of powerlessness at a

30:57

different time in your life. And

30:59

different ages have different kinds of

31:01

powerlessness, where we felt we needed

31:04

to activate our own power. And

31:06

so if you are noticing yourself

31:08

acting in a way that is

31:11

extreme or agitated, anxious, fearful, forcing

31:13

things, grasping at things, musseling things.

31:15

That's a little, an old self

31:18

that's coming out, it's a little

31:20

warning sign that is an invitation

31:22

to be curious and check in.

31:25

And just, I like to think

31:27

of all of these old selves

31:30

as marked at a certain time.

31:32

I always ask, what is this

31:34

feeling, what time is this feeling

31:37

from? What age is this feeling

31:39

from? What age is this feeling

31:41

from? Often our youngest feelings are

31:44

more heightened, they're bigger, they're more

31:46

blunt, because they are paused at

31:48

the age when we felt that

31:51

way. So that's usually a way

31:53

to trace when that self is

31:55

from. Oh, this feels a little

31:58

bit like my teenager. self. This

32:00

feels a little bit like my

32:02

15 year old self because I

32:05

was going through this thing at

32:07

that time and I had no

32:09

power, I had no control, I

32:12

was really freaked out. Whatever it

32:14

is, even if it doesn't feel

32:17

exactly right, if you can trace

32:19

like a vague association with a

32:21

current feeling and an old experience,

32:24

let's just let it be true

32:26

for right now as you do

32:28

this reflection. And then ask. What

32:31

that self is struggling for? Why

32:33

has that self come out today?

32:35

What are they struggling for in

32:38

today right now? The second related

32:40

tool, second half of this, is

32:42

called splitting moments. In the moments

32:45

that we have split from ourselves,

32:47

it's whenever we've acted out of

32:49

a place of desperation. It's a

32:52

feeling of like, I'm not proud

32:54

of that. feel good about what

32:56

I said. I don't feel like

32:59

that fits who I want to

33:01

be. For me, it's often like

33:04

I'm yelling at my kids. I'm

33:06

like, I didn't like doing that.

33:08

I didn't feel right when I

33:11

did that. I don't feel like

33:13

proud of that self. That's a

33:15

moment I would write down in

33:18

this journal exercise as a moment

33:20

I split from myself. And all

33:22

of these are demonstrating a misalignment

33:25

between who you choose to be.

33:27

And something that's occurring in your

33:29

body. Something that's a response in

33:32

your body that's not you. So

33:34

that's a map. They don't match.

33:36

That's a sign that's something in

33:39

you needs to be investigated with

33:41

compassion and curiosity. It's not a

33:43

time to feel like, fuck, I'm

33:46

an asshole. I hate me. That's

33:48

not helpful. So first thing is

33:51

to act with curiosity and investigate.

33:53

So right down the moment, I

33:55

yelled at my kid, that didn't

33:58

feel right to me. And then

34:00

investigate. What was that self trying

34:02

to defend against? There

34:05

was a moment that

34:07

I felt frustrated, I

34:10

felt powerless, I

34:12

felt angry that this thing

34:14

wasn't happening, it was a

34:16

fear, feeling a fear. What

34:19

age did that feel like?

34:21

Did I feel close to

34:24

15 again? Was it that

34:26

kind of energy? Or was it

34:28

a more... 20-something fear. Whatever it

34:30

is, we're just like becoming little

34:33

investigators, little detectives. And if this

34:35

isn't working at this point in

34:38

time, I like to write down

34:40

the splitting moment and then take

34:42

a break from it, come back

34:45

to it a few days later, and then

34:47

relook at it. And don't try and

34:49

measure it. Don't try and rationalize how

34:51

bad it is. I feel like there's

34:53

like this like desire to put it

34:55

in order and say like maybe it

34:57

wasn't so bad and maybe I don't

35:00

have to feel bad about it. It's

35:02

not about that. This is really about

35:04

recognizing there's some insight buried inside of

35:06

this thing. There's some insight that's like

35:08

deep within it that will dawn on

35:10

you like a light bulb turning on

35:12

in a profound way. That is the

35:14

gift that this thing bears that this

35:17

thing bears. And if we can't go

35:19

through that investigative process, it will

35:21

fester because we will rationalize it,

35:23

let's say, we'll push it down,

35:25

we'll feel really shitty about it,

35:27

and then we'll just continue to

35:29

do it. That's the part that

35:31

happens if we can't really just

35:33

like dive in deep to it,

35:35

welcome it, welcome all that it

35:37

wants to tell us. So, when

35:39

you are able to come back

35:41

to that thing, you think about

35:44

that you split from your adult

35:46

self. What was the thing we

35:48

were desperate to achieve?

35:50

What was the thing we

35:52

were afraid of having happened?

35:55

What did our inner self

35:57

crave in that moment?

35:59

and in that insight

36:01

you might find oh I

36:04

got I got put on

36:06

the back foot I got

36:08

triggered I got I fell

36:10

back because I was overwhelmed

36:12

once we can recognize I

36:14

really had a fear of

36:17

not being in control. I

36:19

have a 15-year-old's fear of

36:21

not being in control. When

36:23

you can see that little

36:25

insight, we can ask ourselves,

36:28

how can I help myself

36:30

not be desperate? How can

36:32

I support myself to avoid

36:34

that being on the backfoot

36:36

state the next time it

36:38

occurs? It's often when we

36:41

have put ourselves in a

36:43

position of compromise that we

36:45

get into that state. And

36:47

And that compromise might be

36:49

a result of just the

36:51

facts, the literal facts of

36:54

your life. But I think

36:56

one thing that is really

36:58

healing about this, just this

37:00

investigative process, is when you

37:02

can recognize, oh, I need

37:05

help. I actually need help

37:07

because... I get into a

37:09

place where I cannot function

37:11

the way I want to.

37:13

It's like all of a

37:15

sudden we have this ability

37:18

to feel compassion for ourselves

37:20

through a process that otherwise

37:22

we were completely unconscious through

37:24

the entirety of it, if

37:26

that makes sense. So it's

37:29

a very therapeutic process of

37:31

insight because the next time

37:33

it occurs, we are now

37:35

conscious throughout the beginning and

37:37

then now the middle stage.

37:39

Instead of just reacting, we

37:42

can see like, I'm actually

37:44

in that stage of desperation.

37:46

I'm getting into my stage

37:48

of desperation and trigger. I

37:50

need help. I need to

37:52

step back and help myself.

37:55

It gives you an opportunity

37:57

for agency in that zone

37:59

where actual change... can possibly

38:01

occur. I like to call

38:03

this process frame fucking because

38:06

it's like we're slowing something

38:08

down and we're seeing frame

38:10

by frame what's happening in

38:12

things that feel blind and

38:14

confusing and overwhelming to us

38:16

otherwise. So I hope that

38:19

is helpful and I think

38:21

it's really really easy to

38:23

get unconscious and just blame

38:25

ourselves for it especially in

38:27

times when we are overwhelmed.

38:29

In closing, times of loss

38:32

gift us with connection to

38:34

others, a deeper connection to

38:36

loved ones and strangers. I

38:38

recognize in myself just how

38:40

quickly the less important problems

38:43

quote-unquote shrink. So it's this

38:45

very rare window of time

38:47

when you can really see

38:49

what's important and how trivial

38:51

most problems are. I wanted

38:53

to throw out if you

38:56

have Anyone in your life

38:58

that could use some love

39:00

and kindness, reach out. Accept

39:02

the vulnerability and reach out,

39:04

send love. Helping strangers, even

39:06

simply connecting to others in

39:09

a kind and open way.

39:11

It just feels really good.

39:13

It feels really healing. And

39:15

that is just another way

39:17

to remind yourself of your

39:20

own power and make beauty

39:22

in this world. Come back

39:24

to what you have, even

39:26

if that is simply safety

39:28

and ground in those you

39:30

love. Stay safe. Smile. Sending

39:33

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