0:00

So, That

1:43

was Sonny in a blood pack with

1:45

Gene Simmons on the bank. What's

2:00

12 inches and Jewish?

2:03

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

2:05

Nothing. Here we go.

2:07

We can't give you

2:09

guys the biggest book

2:12

of all time, the

2:14

Bible, and the New

2:16

Testament, and somebody to

2:18

pray who's Jewish, and

2:21

Freud, and Einstein, and

2:23

the Ten Commandments, and

2:25

be hung like Shack.

2:27

Gee, come on in.

2:30

I just realized that

2:32

when you started my career, I've

2:34

told the story before, but he

2:36

saw me and Merv Griffin and

2:38

then called me and said, would

2:40

you be my opening act for

2:42

my girlfriend? It was actually Diana,

2:44

who I was seeing, Diana, who

2:47

I was seeing, who was seeing,

2:49

Diana, who I was seeing at the

2:51

time, and she was in Vegas. How

2:53

many times are we going to go

2:55

over this story? I didn't want to,

2:57

that was it. I went to see

2:59

you at a club. It might have

3:01

been comedy club, might have

3:04

been improv. The comedy store, I

3:06

was a comedy star guy. All

3:08

right. You had a condom on

3:10

your head. You know, you're a

3:13

well-meaning, but it goes on your

3:15

smekle, not on your head, but

3:17

it's not on your head. But

3:19

that's another story. I don't know

3:22

the difference between my big

3:24

camera. Are you ever gonna

3:26

talk to me, young lady?

3:28

What are you doing here?

3:30

What are you selling? I

3:32

paint. I sell paint. I

3:35

sell paint. I'm a paint

3:37

salesman. He's not. He's just

3:39

annoying. I'm a annoying paint

3:41

salesman. I'm a comedian and

3:43

I'm an old friend of house.

3:45

Oh, okay. And a big kiss

3:47

fan. Tell me a joke. Go

3:49

ahead. Yeah, tell him a joke. Go

3:52

ahead. People who live in glass houses.

3:54

You are a nice guy. That's the

3:56

thing about you. You are a really

3:58

nice guy, but I... I've got to

4:01

say, like, you surprise me all

4:03

the time, and I don't

4:05

understand why I'm surprised. Like,

4:07

you are the consummate rock

4:09

star in the sense that

4:11

I read, like, you're still controversial.

4:13

Am I? I think you

4:15

are. For instance. Can I

4:17

give you an example?

4:19

No, we're just asking. Okay. Why?

4:21

Yes, of course. I'm going to

4:23

be totally honest. If I can

4:25

be candid with you. Or you

4:27

can lie. I know. You do?

4:29

I watched when you were on, I

4:32

watched it. I never watched Dancing

4:34

with the Stars. I couldn't

4:36

tell you who's on, who's

4:38

competing. Headlines. Headlines. Yeah,

4:40

yeah. Are Gene Simmons,

4:43

I don't remember the

4:45

headlines, but fucks up. Have

4:47

you actually seen the show? No.

4:49

It was a million and a

4:52

half additional people tuned in.

4:54

No, I see why they booked

4:56

you. The main point is I

4:58

recommend highly recommend everybody watch the

5:01

episode It's on Google and smuggle

5:03

and stuff. I have no idea

5:05

where that came from except that

5:07

Everybody came over the producer

5:09

the director make not she and

5:12

you're wonderful. We had a great

5:14

time Everybody and then after that

5:16

look bad news makes headlines. I

5:18

have no idea were doing it.

5:20

You think it's click bait for

5:22

the show Excuse me you think

5:24

it was just click bait for

5:26

the show like they didn't that

5:29

you didn't do anything so this

5:31

is what I did so I

5:33

knew that you're coming in today

5:35

I didn't say a party word

5:37

I didn't I know it nothing

5:39

I'm saying I'm I'm on your

5:41

side buddy it doesn't matter I'm

5:43

too rich you are almost as

5:45

rich as you are because you

5:47

are a very wealthy man I

5:49

am how much do you have should you

5:51

have should I Yes! Okay, if

5:54

you go one, two, three,

5:56

four, I'll stop you. One,

5:58

two, three, four. almost

6:00

to the next one. Five. Almost. You

6:02

have over $500. No, you have, is

6:05

it 500 million? Half a billion.

6:07

You're half a billionaire. That's what

6:09

they say. You're half a billionaire.

6:11

Wow. So what the fuck are you

6:13

doing dancing with the stars for? What

6:15

did they give you? Scale? I didn't

6:17

check, but what am I doing this

6:20

for? You're paying me a fortune. Nothing.

6:22

Nothing. Yeah. I think you're here to

6:24

redeem yourself from the The dancing with the

6:26

start. What did I do? So that a

6:28

couple questions about that. She talks. I do.

6:30

She did go ahead. I just don't want

6:32

to interrupt. There's a lot of interrupting in

6:35

this podcast But I know one of one

6:37

of the issues there were a few that

6:39

people said they had but one of them

6:41

was about you giving a ten when they

6:43

didn't want you to give out the first ten. May

6:45

I may I may I use a four letter? So

6:47

fucking what? Okay, I'm just

6:50

saying did anyone tell you

6:52

ahead of time not to

6:54

get out? It's fucking is

6:56

six letters. Six letters. No,

6:58

six letters and fucking. Is

7:01

that F-U-C-K-E-N-6? I-N. Yeah, but

7:03

what's so what? Okay. I mean,

7:05

what's so what? I mean, I'm,

7:07

was that that's the least

7:09

amount of controversy. So

7:11

here's the controversy. So

7:14

they said that they didn't talk.

7:16

You went like that you put your

7:18

hands on me. Oh now this is going

7:20

to be a controversial episode You don't use

7:22

the video that So people can't that's what

7:24

I'm bringing up. I'm trying to get to

7:27

it. All right. The only way to get

7:29

to it is to hit my daughter You're

7:31

here now How my god are we going

7:33

to get in trouble for this episode?

7:35

What like a net so get what

7:37

we were going to say? So they

7:39

said that you did inappropriate comments So

7:42

I said to my staff. That's Show

7:44

me his comments. Run one or two

7:46

of his comments. Sure. Here we go. Hey

7:48

everybody. Well, not everybody,

7:50

just the people listening and

7:52

watching. Look at this smile.

7:54

Isn't it gorgeous? You say Howie,

7:57

why do you have so much? Such

7:59

a gorgeous smile. And if you

8:01

haven't said it I need

8:03

you to say it and

8:05

I'll tell you why because

8:07

I started using I changed

8:09

my toothbrush and I started

8:11

using the quip 360 oscillating

8:13

toothbrush and it makes a

8:15

difference it really does it

8:17

it feels better I feel

8:19

like I'm doing more the

8:21

the American Dental Association even

8:23

said that it is scientifically

8:25

proven to remove up to

8:27

11 times more plaque between

8:29

the teeth compared to a

8:31

manual toothbrush isn't that amazing

8:33

and It can provide up

8:35

to two times more whitening

8:37

on day one. So come

8:39

on, why wouldn't you? Why

8:41

wouldn't you get it? Why

8:43

wouldn't you brush your teeth

8:45

like me? Everybody needs to

8:47

brush your teeth like everybody's

8:49

gonna have a gorgeous smile

8:51

like Howie. And the way

8:53

to do that is for

8:55

all of the listeners and

8:57

watchers of Howie Mandel does

8:59

stuff. You get 20% off

9:01

site-wide and a free travel

9:04

case and countertop stand. And

9:06

all you got to do

9:08

is go to get quip,

9:10

q-u-i-p.com/Howie. Free your mouth today

9:12

and save 20% site-wide plus

9:14

a free travel case and

9:16

countertop stand at get quip,

9:18

Q-U-I-P, dot-com, slash Howie. Can

9:21

I go back to the show

9:23

now? Can I have another minute?

9:25

I just gonna brush my teeth

9:27

and then we'll get back to

9:29

the show. All right. Here we

9:31

go. You know, there's a brand

9:33

new experience for me and it's

9:35

difficult to look at both of

9:37

you and to figure out. You

9:40

can hear that. It's more hot

9:42

hot hot. Well, you can wear

9:44

a headset. It's right there if

9:46

you want to. Chandler, you fogged

9:48

up my glasses. So there's a

9:50

comment. Stop it for right now.

9:52

So you're not allowed to say

9:54

that you're standing with one. of

9:56

the most beautiful women on the

9:58

planet. Why? I don't know. Okay,

10:00

go ahead. Why? Why? Why? I

10:02

don't know what to tell you.

10:04

Stop it. So we could talk

10:06

about each one as we came.

10:08

So the first one was, you

10:11

have a reason? Go ahead. I

10:13

don't think it was necessarily what

10:15

he said. I think that it

10:17

was the commentary on. women's appearances

10:19

and giving more, giving a better

10:21

score to the women that you

10:23

perceive to be more attractive. No,

10:25

he said the man, he said

10:27

the man is good looking too.

10:29

Yeah. He did. There's nothing wrong

10:31

with what you said. I'm telling

10:33

you, I'm telling you what the,

10:35

whether or not I believe it,

10:37

I'm telling you what the controversy

10:39

was. Here is the alternative. We

10:42

never speak to heterosexual. Oh, wait.

10:44

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack,

10:46

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack,

10:48

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack,

10:50

Jack, Yeah, heterosexuals can be women

10:52

too. I was saying men. You're

10:54

going to get in trouble for

10:56

that. Thank you, Jake. Well, you

10:58

have to be specific. I don't

11:00

want to talk for the trans

11:02

folks and gay folks, you know,

11:04

or anybody who attacks on? I'm

11:06

not qualified. But I can speak

11:08

about, but anyway, the point is

11:10

the alternative is we ignore all

11:13

women, never complement you, never say.

11:15

I didn't use poopy words. I

11:17

said. You're beautiful? Are we allowed?

11:19

One of the most beautiful women

11:21

in the world. Is that a

11:23

bad thing? No. Is that a

11:25

bad thing? No, but I think

11:27

the point was that they were

11:29

supposed to be judged on their

11:31

talent and their dancing scale. No,

11:33

that's not how life is. Then

11:35

why are you wearing makeup and

11:37

high heels to lift and separate?

11:39

You can tell me I will

11:41

take the compliments on my appearance

11:44

all day long. One second, you're

11:46

making an assessment of the entire

11:48

day and then you make it

11:50

personal. what's the problem so if

11:52

you welcome to planet Earth you

11:54

will be judged by what you

11:56

look like I didn't make the

11:58

rules I'm just aware of them

12:00

which is why women wear makeup

12:02

and high heels and all that

12:04

and because it's that so do

12:06

you think so as kids so

12:08

as kiss so as kiss the

12:10

more beautiful you are one of

12:12

the most beautiful people in the

12:15

world you know the sad truth

12:17

for those that don't like the

12:19

truth and the Wonderful truth is

12:21

the more beautiful you are the

12:23

more in shape and you know

12:25

all that stuff The better the

12:27

response is going to be whether

12:29

it's a Balarina you know I

12:31

don't know that I well I'm

12:33

gonna get in trouble so go

12:35

ahead But I don't I already

12:37

started a new hashtag. What is

12:39

it? It's a hashtag go fuck

12:41

yourself Generally applied for the kids

12:43

generally apply to all people equally

12:46

Because at some point you've got

12:48

to wake up and say, you

12:50

know, soon we're all going to

12:52

be dead. We're just passing through.

12:54

Who's offended? Who got offended? Because

12:56

I'm looking at their faces. I

12:58

don't know. Not everybody, not anybody

13:00

there, including the producer, the director,

13:02

the staff. Did you see the

13:04

young lady be offended? What? Pedro

13:06

was offended. Who? Phaidra Parks. I

13:08

don't know who that is. One

13:10

of the contestants. Can you show

13:12

me? Can you show me? No,

13:14

one that he didn't give a

13:17

good score to. There's the Robland.

13:19

Can you show me what I

13:21

said to Phaidra? No. I don't

13:23

know. But Jean Simmons, judging Phadra

13:25

on Dancing with the Stars. She

13:27

clearly wasn't as beautiful as the

13:29

other girl. I didn't say that

13:31

you did. I did. What she

13:33

didn't realize is when you were

13:35

saying that that other woman was

13:37

one of the most beautiful women

13:39

in the world, right? Including Phaera.

13:41

Men tell every woman they're the

13:43

most beautiful because those are the

13:45

rules. P. H. A. Men, what

13:48

do men do? I think it's

13:50

Pha. P. H. A. I think.

13:52

So you have a reference. Getting

13:54

into. Oh, here we are. Which

13:56

one's Phaera? The one on the

13:58

right? Well, no, no. You have

14:00

to go to where I... Not

14:02

what they do. You know, they

14:04

fire up the contestants and ask

14:06

leading questions. You can see what

14:08

she says. You can see what

14:10

she says. You can see what

14:12

she says. What I say. What

14:14

did he say? What did he

14:16

say? What did I say? That's

14:19

the question. Not what the interviewer...

14:21

No, I was going to say

14:23

what her response to what you

14:25

said was. No. I want to

14:27

hear what I said what I

14:29

said. Because it is all about

14:31

me. Okay. What did he say?

14:33

I think that she's, if I'm

14:35

interpreting this correctly, my daughter is

14:37

saying that you said that the

14:39

other woman was one of the

14:41

most beautiful women in the world,

14:43

and you said to the other

14:45

contestant, as they were playing before,

14:47

that you fogged up my glasses,

14:49

and you said to Phaedra. Good

14:52

dancing. I think Pedro was you

14:54

were you were talking about her

14:56

dancing. I don't actually remember we

14:58

can watch it to make sure

15:00

we are here's Pedro He's trying

15:02

to get to the end. Yeah,

15:04

this is the judging the actual

15:06

remarks are tough to find so

15:08

we're looking okay, okay, we're looking

15:10

we have people looking but But

15:12

it really has come to the

15:14

point and that's why politics are

15:16

mirroring the idea of we, we

15:18

the people, are really sick and

15:20

tired of this. It's time to

15:23

just get over yourself. Words. Either

15:25

we're allowed to talk to you.

15:27

You're here. Either we're allowed to

15:29

complement you or not. You don't

15:31

want us to say ignore the

15:33

fact that you're wearing lipstick eyelashes

15:35

lifted and separated in our general

15:37

direction, high heels and all. to

15:39

get attention, put up the hair

15:41

and do all that stuff. And

15:43

we love it. We worship the

15:45

ground you walk on. If you

15:47

have a problem with that, it's

15:49

easy to stop. Talking in general,

15:51

not you. It's less work for

15:54

us. You don't want to be

15:56

complemented respectfully? We'll stop. Not a

15:58

problem. No, I don't think. I

16:00

think we'll stop. But I

16:02

was surprised as somebody who does

16:04

not watch the show to read

16:06

headlines. What? And then, and then,

16:09

I'm being on, I'm on your

16:11

side buddy, and then to say,

16:13

there was so much controversy, show

16:15

me the clips, and I looked

16:18

at the clips, and I'm saying

16:20

everybody here, what? What? What? Why

16:22

are you surprised? You do a judging

16:24

show and you get in trouble all

16:26

the time. Not like he's, well maybe

16:28

he's a bigger, he's a bigger star.

16:31

That was bigger, I didn't get that

16:33

kind of con, he had headlines. No,

16:35

it was picked up. Oh there it

16:37

is. Pedro Parks collapse back, what does

16:39

it say? What does it say? What

16:41

did she say? Can somebody read it

16:43

there? You don't know what I said?

16:45

That's I don't I don't think no

16:48

he said I can't but let's see

16:50

let's see what she said about what

16:52

he said this is about he said

16:55

she said I'm a fan of Pedro

16:57

but I'm a reality

16:59

television junkie so okay what did

17:01

she say are you reading it how

17:03

hard is it to find out what

17:05

she said what they said yeah I want

17:08

to know what I said I said he

17:10

said he said you're not going

17:12

to find anything because you're you're

17:14

doing mom and dad TV the

17:17

kids are around it you know

17:19

it's it's appropriate language appropriate. That's

17:21

exactly what I did. But it's

17:23

much more fun. Look, New York

17:25

Times, all the news that's fit,

17:28

that's not a true statement. It's

17:30

all the bad news that's fit.

17:32

Those are the headlines on newspapers.

17:34

It gets more, look, when you

17:36

got traffic going down a highway,

17:39

what stops the traffic? The bloodier

17:41

the accident, the more people want

17:43

to see. She said, I love

17:45

the routine and I think we

17:47

did good, despite Jean Simmons being

17:49

a total dingling. Oh, so she

17:52

just doesn't like her judge. Based on

17:54

what did I say? Wait, wait. And

17:56

then she said, I figured he

17:58

didn't like short. black women

18:01

and that's why you're wrong.

18:03

You're wrong. I lived with

18:05

Diana Ross for years. What's

18:07

she a short black woman? You

18:09

don't know who Diana Ross is.

18:12

But I never seen her up

18:14

close. Is she a short black

18:16

one? Yes. Relatively. A beautiful. Sure.

18:19

So she was more. I think

18:21

she was offended that she

18:23

didn't get a good score

18:25

and that all these other

18:27

women. who would, he complimented

18:29

her, their appearance, did get it.

18:32

I stand by my words. I'll stand

18:34

by every word. I love that you're

18:36

doing that. Well, of course, you could.

18:39

And by the way. So you weren't

18:41

upset by it. No. Because I understand

18:43

the nature of shows and media

18:45

and stuff is to get

18:48

people interested. And if it's

18:50

Pablam, nobody cares. But I cannot

18:52

for the life of me figure out.

18:54

I've been much more controversial to say

18:56

things that I know I know you

18:58

were in my view that's the way

19:00

to well you can't say that. I

19:02

mean if you don't want to talk

19:04

about you don't have to but weren't

19:06

you actually barred from Fox at one

19:08

point years ago yeah then the person

19:11

whatever who barred me got fired and

19:13

Fox which I watch every once in

19:15

a while along with anything else had

19:17

to bake I don't know three quarters

19:19

of a billion dollars for False reporting

19:21

and what you did no no

19:24

no no with the dominion voting

19:26

things the let's but it had

19:28

nothing that no I'm talking about

19:30

what would you part from the

19:32

law consider the source What was

19:34

it's what somebody says and then

19:36

who says it? Yes, there were some

19:38

allegations all the time about anything,

19:41

but it always winds up being

19:43

he said she said no nothing

19:45

happened, but the person I'm I suppose,

19:47

I don't even know who said it,

19:49

but I hear they cleared that area

19:52

and they were fired. What was said?

19:54

I don't know. I have no idea.

19:56

I have no idea. I'm just commenting

19:58

on headlines. Show me. Show you what? Whatever.

20:01

Whatever the problem is. No, but

20:03

I think that was years ago I

20:05

read that Gene Simmons is not allowed

20:07

on the lot and I thought, oh

20:10

this is great, this is rock and

20:12

roll. It's not allowed, like it's like

20:14

being in a hotel that you can't

20:16

go because you guys... Boo, boo, who?

20:18

That's right. Did you ever trash

20:20

rooms? Never. I've never been high,

20:22

I've never been drunk, I've never

20:25

smoked cigarettes, used drugs,

20:27

used drugs, or alcohol.

20:29

There's a difference. He's a he's

20:31

a he's I'm very confused why I

20:33

think that's a commendable nobody's

20:35

You know giving any rating

20:37

on whether it's commendable, but it

20:40

comes with well, but that doesn't

20:42

matter I think you're going through

20:44

life and you're allowed to pick

20:46

from the menu of life Whatever

20:48

appeals to you good for what was

20:50

your vice women women was your

20:52

vice that's a vice he apparently

20:55

holds a record Don't you hold

20:57

the record? Doesn't it say, in

20:59

the good book that my people

21:01

gave the rest of you around

21:04

the world, along with the Ten

21:06

Commandments and everything, doesn't it say,

21:08

spread thy seed? I was just

21:10

doing the Lord's work. Well, that's

21:12

what he does, very religious. God

21:15

bless you. You see what I just

21:17

did there? That was a joke. Do

21:19

you understand what I'm talking about? No.

21:22

Like your kids. You know, my

21:24

wifey? Canadian. Shannon, who I know

21:26

Shannon. Yeah, she was a new

21:28

fee born. You can't say she's

21:30

beautiful, right? You're going to get

21:32

in trouble. She's beautiful.

21:34

You're going to get in

21:36

trouble. One of the most

21:38

beautiful women in the world. You're

21:40

going to get in trouble.

21:43

Very kind, just like and

21:45

very kind and generous. Shannon is

21:47

full, full Canadian and all that.

21:49

She never got her citizenship? Yes,

21:52

but you know. Dual citizenship,

21:54

but our kids Nick and

21:56

Nick and Sophie are also

21:58

dual Canadian America So is

22:00

she. You didn't know that? I do know that.

22:02

So when he asked if you're Canadian

22:04

you said no. Well he asked

22:07

if I'm full Canadian. I'm not

22:09

full Canadian. I don't know my memory

22:11

is not as good as yours. Mine

22:13

either. I just like to argue. But

22:15

yes I'm I'm half Canadian I

22:17

guess based on my dual citizenship.

22:20

You know I was thinking I was

22:22

also thinking and I wanted

22:24

to ask you this. And

22:26

maybe we talked about it

22:28

the last time you were on.

22:30

You guys came on and played

22:33

brilliantly. Does kiss exist anymore? Does

22:35

what exist? Kiss. Kiss? You

22:37

did a farewell to her.

22:39

It's a very good question.

22:41

I know. In December, a

22:43

year ago, there was an

22:45

amazing entity called Pop House,

22:47

a Swedish company that put

22:49

on the ABBA show. The

22:51

holograms. Yes. Well, it's

22:54

more than that. Like you can't

22:56

believe your eyes. So they came

22:58

and bought the IP, the

23:00

underlying rights, the makeup and

23:03

all that. I mean, we still

23:05

control the nuances and

23:07

the old answers. See what

23:09

I did there? There was

23:11

another joke. Yeah. You can't

23:13

put swastikas on our forehead.

23:16

We control the important

23:18

stuff, but they are our new

23:20

partners. Yeah. And in the same

23:22

way that it looks like show

23:24

is over when the caterpillar.

23:26

You know folds over it looks like

23:28

death and the cocoon comes you think

23:31

it's the end of life But then

23:33

what happens is a beautiful creature takes

23:35

to the heaven's butterfly. I get it

23:38

you got it very good and so

23:40

the end of kiss is really the

23:42

beginning of kiss the only thing I

23:44

can tell you is that We all

23:47

of us went up to George Lucas's

23:49

place ILM and about a year ago

23:51

and did motion capture how we move

23:54

how we do And what people are

23:56

going to be seeing in the

23:58

near future is going to... defy

24:00

reality as you know it and

24:02

I'll give you a hint. So

24:04

you've had virtual glasses on, right?

24:07

I'm in the hologram business. This

24:09

is my product. Okay. I know,

24:11

but you're aware that you're sitting

24:13

here, you're aware, so your sense

24:16

of gravity and where you are.

24:18

Once you put on virtual glasses.

24:20

You're off center because if you're

24:22

falling off a cliff no matter

24:24

where you look up down everywhere

24:27

The reality of that perception is

24:29

all around you so you're sort

24:31

of now imagine that Without glasses

24:33

That's a great hint. I just

24:35

want to say mr. Simich that

24:38

was a really good. So this

24:40

what did you get from that

24:42

Lou? Excuse me that it's so

24:44

real. How long have you two

24:47

known each other this is a

24:49

reality? 11 days. Yeah, yeah, he's

24:51

my oldest friend. I met him

24:53

11 days ago, but he's almost

24:55

80 How old are you? I'm?

24:58

I'm a Man never know we've

25:00

known each other. He was there

25:02

the first night I went on

25:04

stage 45 years ago. I'm 67.

25:06

I'm 75 bitch God bless you,

25:09

buddy Don't call him bitch. That's

25:11

controversy. Oh, that was my oh,

25:13

okay Are you 75 really? Yeah,

25:15

looks great. You're tall for your

25:18

age. And you dance. You're tall

25:20

for your age? Why, what happens?

25:22

For those that don't know that

25:24

he danced, Sunny in the Black

25:26

Pack, our band, plays this song

25:29

at the beginning when guests are

25:31

walking in. What's the name of

25:33

the song, Sunny? Will they dance,

25:35

and as they're walking in, we

25:38

take bets on whether the guest

25:40

will dance or not. And you

25:42

danced. I've always danced great. I

25:44

won the twist contest at PS

25:46

145 with Shirley, my African-American girl

25:49

who was on the other side.

25:51

Sure girl? No, she was medium-sized,

25:53

but she was beautiful. One of

25:55

the most beautiful, short black ones.

25:57

in the world. This should really

26:00

be a conversation for everybody. We

26:02

have to, it's now gotten so

26:04

insane, wokism, and I think it's

26:06

well-intentioned by the way, but you're

26:09

in the Wild West. There are

26:11

no rules. You can literally look

26:13

at a woman or say the

26:15

wrong or infer the wrong things.

26:17

We're going back to Woke. We

26:20

were just in the twist. I

26:22

don't know how we got from

26:24

the Woke to the twist. He

26:26

was twisting again. Remember like we

26:28

did last summer? Oh, written by

26:31

Cal Man and David Pell on

26:33

Cameo Parkway Records. Don't start by

26:35

Chabby Checker. Chubby Checker. Yeah, he

26:37

was doing Chubby Chase, Joe. And

26:40

Chubby was born Ernest Evans. and

26:42

he was a chicken plucker out

26:44

of Philly. I know all kinds

26:46

of stuff. Wow. You are like

26:48

a trivia machine. You are a

26:51

living tall Jewish Googler. You're like,

26:53

you know, I'm the only person

26:55

speaking of potato chips who, well

26:57

for one thing I wasn't born

27:00

in America and English was my

27:02

fourth language. Shalom, where were you

27:04

born? Israel. Israel. Why do I

27:06

look Swiss? But look at him.

27:08

That's very Ashkenazi, it's faradite. Well,

27:11

look what? Please don't beat me

27:13

up. No, no, it's Faradit. We've

27:15

just lost half our audience. But

27:17

anyway, the point, I never met

27:19

anybody else. Anybody else who has

27:22

actually read the Encyclopedia Britannica. You

27:24

read it? Yeah, I was voracious

27:26

as I started to learn to

27:28

speak English. I was still studying

27:31

to be a rabbi, believe it

27:33

or not. Wow. Yeah. You should

27:35

do the jazz singer. You know

27:37

the yeah that's not that's not

27:39

going to get me in trouble.

27:42

Okay you're right. You want me

27:44

to get into that? Oh because

27:46

the first guy that did the

27:48

movie was Al Jolson who. who

27:51

did Blackface. But the second guy

27:53

was Neil Diamond. That's right. Yeah.

27:55

And both Jews. But the point

27:57

I was going to, and the

27:59

story is about, the son of

28:02

a rabbi who didn't like Jewish

28:04

music, he loved black music. Right.

28:06

I'd walk a mill, you know,

28:08

ma'am, that stuff. And that's what

28:10

the first semi-sound movie was about,

28:13

about a rabbi's son who refused.

28:15

to become a rabbi. He refused

28:17

to come to Cantor. Cantor is

28:19

right. And decided to sing black

28:22

music and travel around. Yeah. Wow.

28:24

It's a beautiful story. You should

28:26

see it sometime. I want to

28:28

see you do the twist. So

28:30

why do you decide not to

28:33

be a rabbit? Of course. What

28:35

do you mean? Why did you

28:37

decide not to be a rabbi?

28:39

What changed your mind? Chicks. Okay.

28:41

Yeah rabbis don't get laid as

28:44

much as rocks. I didn't say

28:46

that I didn't say that word.

28:48

I did. Is there a rabbi

28:50

that gets laid alone? Rockstar. I

28:53

haven't checked. If they get laid

28:55

a lot, they take Friday night

28:57

and Saturday off. So they're only

28:59

getting laid during the week. That's

29:01

your daughter to your left over

29:04

there. Right. She knows. I can't

29:06

talk like this in front of

29:08

Sophie. My daughter. How old is

29:10

Sophie? 56. No, Sophie. Sophie. Not

29:13

a lot to talk about. That's

29:15

another rule. Women don't want you

29:17

to talk about age. Oh age.

29:19

Oh man. I don't care. Okay,

29:21

guess how much my daughter way.

29:24

Give it a few years. Is

29:26

that true? No, you think she

29:28

lies about her age? Yes, I

29:30

think women lie about everything. You

29:32

look great Jackie. Women lie about

29:35

everything. How old are you? Forty

29:37

next week. What are you? Worship

29:39

Satan? What's going on there? That's

29:41

a compliment. Oh, thank you. Oh,

29:44

that's right. It's a compliment. Sorry.

29:46

Well, it could be. Maybe it's

29:48

not. Maybe he's saying you look

29:50

like hell. That was well done.

29:52

I put that right over the

29:55

plate. You did. And by the

29:57

way... Christians and Gentiles, everybody else

29:59

has misunderstood that. The word Satan

30:01

was never the real, you know,

30:03

with horns and things. In Hebrew,

30:06

from Tanach and Gamora and all

30:08

that stuff, comes from the Hebrew

30:10

word Shatand, which was the choice

30:12

of evil, not the embodiment. So

30:15

there is a Satan. The original

30:17

Satan was Jewish. You ever see

30:19

those cartoons where there's a little

30:21

angel on your shoulder and a

30:23

little... devil guy with on the

30:26

other hold that's the Jewish idea

30:28

not a guy that comes with

30:30

a pitch fork because heaven or

30:32

hell really is up to you

30:35

the individual that's our idea we

30:37

own everything right we run everything

30:39

everything you've seen in the cartoon

30:41

we know that's your point that

30:43

we own everything I am I'm

30:46

gonna get in trouble no matter

30:48

what it's already too late no

30:50

Speaking of anything doing great Simon's

30:52

doing but he's but I love

30:54

this talk of the Jews you

30:57

know what Jews are Jews are

30:59

really Jews are just earthly ways

31:01

Jews are okay Jews are all

31:03

okay they're all okay no just

31:06

they're really ways waiting yes about

31:08

the Jewish people as they represent

31:10

every human being and then they

31:12

broke into a song go ahead

31:14

guys What a beautyism! I knew

31:17

it! Busey's coming back! You know,

31:19

Busey, you know, Busey, Kerry Busey?

31:21

Sure. Kerry Busey does these things

31:23

where he takes words and he

31:26

just takes the letters and makes

31:28

up whatever it is. Oh, is

31:30

that what you were doing? Yes.

31:32

Yeah, I don't know. What does

31:34

he say? Fart is, Fart is,

31:37

uh... Does it do you remember

31:39

anybody? Do you remember what it

31:41

fart is? Yeah, I think it's

31:43

feeling a rectal transmission to some

31:45

people feeling a rectal transmission. Okay,

31:48

and it sounds like this Such

31:50

a vibe. Anyway. What were you

31:52

going to say about the Jews?

31:54

Well, I was a theology major

31:57

and I studied Islam, read the

31:59

Quran and Baha'i faith and all

32:01

that stuff so I could bore

32:03

you to tears. You know so

32:05

much. You started selling fruit. That's

32:08

where he started. Cactus fruit. But

32:10

I was going to ask you,

32:12

can you answer questions about produce?

32:14

I can as a matter of

32:16

fact. You can? Sure. How can

32:19

you compare apples and oranges? Or

32:21

apples to apples. Because it's about

32:23

money. Yeah. Do you know that?

32:25

At eight years old. This guy's

32:28

been working since he was eight.

32:30

Six. Six. Eight. In his room.

32:32

Right here. Yeah. I was six.

32:34

Actually I was eight before I

32:36

was nine. See that was another

32:39

joke. Did you kid? Hold for

32:41

the last. You, Meg, are just

32:43

so smart in comparison. I went

32:45

to a grocery store. I went

32:48

into a grocery store once. Give

32:50

me it. And I went to

32:52

the produce check just to compare

32:54

apples to apples. What is this?

32:56

I don't know what that means,

32:59

but I like you. That's just

33:01

in. You know, other than Lisa

33:03

Lampinelli and, you know, very few

33:05

professionals. She doesn't work anymore. I've

33:07

never heard a chick, a female.

33:10

I don't think they want to

33:12

be called chicks right now. No

33:14

more chicks? I don't think so.

33:16

Broads, days? I think that they

33:19

should change it. Your daughter, do

33:21

you have a problem with the

33:23

word chick? I don't personally, but

33:25

you might run into a problem

33:27

later in life. Okay. A man

33:30

with a vagina. When you're 82,

33:32

you're going to run with problems

33:34

with this one. Oh my God,

33:36

look at this. We just hit

33:38

100,000. We just hit 100,000. 100,000.

33:41

This is on our shorts or

33:43

clips or whatever. Can I ask

33:45

you what it is? It's a

33:47

plaque from YouTube. They worded us

33:50

right here on this episode. Thank

33:52

you, Gene. It just came in.

33:54

Wow. Thank you. Good for you.

33:56

It's because of you. Yeah. Well,

33:58

who's ever watched? It's not. I

34:01

didn't sleep with them. How

34:03

long were you in the

34:05

fruit business? Well, she was going

34:07

to go first. Did you

34:10

just cut her off? You're

34:12

fucking you're going to ask

34:14

you. Do you have any

34:17

other questions for women that

34:19

I can answer for you?

34:21

Yes. Yes. He slept with 5,000.

34:23

It's not. I didn't sleep with

34:25

them. Howie. Did you do this?

34:28

Did you have a little black

34:30

book with all the names? Go

34:32

ahead. Was it true that you

34:34

had to say that was very

34:36

funny? Somebody has a question for

34:39

you. I'll repeat the question because

34:41

you're not going to head on

34:43

it. Would you? What? A little

34:45

black book with all the names

34:47

and pictures of women that you

34:50

have been with. So yeah, there

34:52

was lists and books and all

34:54

that stuff, but I shamefully

34:56

or not took photos. of all of

34:58

them. And there were books and books

35:00

and books of it. And then when

35:03

I decided to come clean, because, you

35:05

know, men are assholes and stuff, you

35:07

never, how did you come before that?

35:09

How did I come before

35:11

that? You said you decided

35:13

to come clean. Oh, I

35:15

see. Very good. That's why

35:17

you're in show. I was

35:19

no! When you decided to

35:21

come clean and clean and

35:23

show Shannon the book. Shannon

35:25

and I took all those

35:27

big portfolios. Portfoils. And oh,

35:29

there were lots. Oh, yeah.

35:31

And we burned them together.

35:33

Yep. That's so romantic.

35:36

Yeah. Because at some point. I don't

35:38

want to drop for men. but they

35:40

already gave me the right to do

35:42

so. Are you tearing up? Well, it's

35:44

just beautiful that you and your wife

35:47

would burn portfolios of everybody that you

35:49

fucked. Without, without her, I was. Just

35:51

the pictures of the girls you fucked,

35:53

coming clean all over them, you and

35:56

your wife and the family sitting around

35:58

the fire in the backyard. Yeah, that's

36:00

what happened. Beautiful. The whole family?

36:02

Family. What? The whole family? Nick

36:05

and Sophie, I think that must

36:07

have been hardest for them because

36:09

for the first 29 years of

36:11

us being together, got married on

36:13

the 30th year. We've been together

36:16

41 years, but the first 29

36:18

years of that, if there would

36:20

have been a king asshole with

36:22

a crown, it would have been

36:24

yours truly. Aragon, self-absorbed, oh yeah,

36:27

it's, it wasn't. And now you

36:29

are the king of humble. Well

36:31

you got to call yourself, you

36:33

got to be truthful and be

36:35

clear. You have a reason to

36:38

be. But, but guys, unfortunately for

36:40

women, heterosexual women to be clear,

36:42

when you see a guy and

36:44

he's six two and he's got

36:46

a big, you know, a deep

36:49

voice and everything, you know you

36:51

think he's a grown man, no

36:53

he's not. He's a 14 year

36:55

old. horny kid who when you

36:57

turn your back will mount your

37:00

mother you did you ever did

37:02

you do that a lot would

37:04

you fuck I didn't see the

37:06

portfolio would you fuck the mother

37:08

too I was never worried about

37:11

that with my husband you're a

37:13

real motherfucker right here wow you

37:15

know that motherfucking is the Jews

37:17

it came from the Jews I

37:19

don't even know what that means

37:22

me either Me either and they're

37:24

probably gonna edit that out because

37:26

it's not good We started but

37:28

imagine you know if you go

37:30

back in history there was the

37:33

first person in any culture who

37:35

decides I've got a word that

37:37

combines two words That's actually a

37:39

compliment Whoever that was motherfucker having

37:41

sex with you month see that

37:44

guy's a motherfucker that's a motherfucker

37:46

that's a compliment no I'm saying

37:48

imagine How far down we've come

37:50

that somebody came up with that

37:52

and said, yeah, that's a good,

37:55

let's use that. Well, I think

37:57

it's just that a lot of

37:59

people, before we had light and

38:01

before we had fire, it was

38:03

dark in the juice. It was

38:06

dark in the cave. You thought

38:08

it was your wife. Oh my

38:10

God. And then the sun came

38:12

up and you went, holy shit,

38:14

I'm a motherfucker. Is that why

38:17

you're never smiling? Your dad's jokes?

38:19

Right. You've got like a stone

38:21

face. He's saying all this. I

38:23

have default bitch face. I know

38:25

I have a problem. We talk

38:28

about it all the time on

38:30

the podcast. She's just like her

38:32

mother. I, yeah, I'm working on

38:34

it. What's your mom's name? Terry.

38:36

Oh yeah, Terry, say hello for

38:39

me, huh? I will. Hey, Terry.

38:41

Where did Mother? What is that?

38:43

You're drinking, like hippie stuff? What

38:45

is that? I think it's a

38:47

mafia term. I think it came

38:50

from the mafia. What was your

38:52

mother fuck? No, no, it's black.

38:54

It does date back to the

38:56

19th century. Oh, it's 19th century.

38:59

So which means the 1800s. Go

39:01

ahead. In an 1889 Texas murder

39:03

case a witness testified that the

39:05

victim had called the defendant a

39:07

god damn mother fucking bastardly son

39:10

of a bitch. Shortly before his

39:12

death. What language or what culture

39:14

was it? Who was it? Who

39:16

was it? It was... Father McMurray.

39:18

Father McMurray. 1876. He came up

39:21

with it. It had to be

39:23

a rabbi. Are you religious? Well,

39:25

you know, I studied. It's an

39:27

interesting thing. I had a deep

39:29

conversation with my rabbi, which really

39:32

just means teacher. And I used

39:34

to get the knuckles beaten by

39:36

the ruler and everything. Because I

39:38

would ask questions. That were not

39:40

the questions they wanted to hear

39:43

because religion is about ritual and

39:45

I said isn't it true? And

39:47

I said did the same thing

39:49

with my Episcopalian Minister when I

39:51

took theology and Christianity in college

39:54

and I said isn't it true

39:56

that if you want to be

39:58

a good Jew, you want to

40:00

follow in the footsteps of, in

40:02

Hebrew, of Ramitzhakvayakov. Abraham, Isaac, and

40:05

Jacob, and he said, I must

40:07

commend you, I can't think of

40:09

a better way to put that,

40:11

to become a good Jew, follow

40:13

in their footsteps. And I said,

40:16

isn't it true, then, that you

40:18

would never wear a yarmika? It

40:20

was before the Ten Commandments. In

40:22

fact, all the rituals and stuff,

40:24

nothing to, we were just... barely

40:27

starting to think of a monotheism,

40:29

one God. So all the rituals

40:31

and stuff would mean nothing. He

40:33

goes, okay, never mind. And my

40:35

Episcopalian minister, who was a really

40:38

bright college-educated guy who believed in

40:40

the Jewish rabbi as the son

40:42

of God and so on. And

40:44

I said, isn't it true in

40:46

essence that if he wanted to

40:49

be a good Christian? All you

40:51

have to do is follow in

40:53

the footsteps of Jesus. Likewise, he

40:55

said, that's precisely what I got.

40:57

Well, in that case, everybody would

41:00

have to be Jewish. There's no

41:02

crucifix, there are no nuns, there

41:04

are no popes. If you're following

41:06

the footsteps of Jesus, you're a

41:08

Jew. You're a Jew. You're branched

41:11

in. You're given, you have been...

41:13

Graft it into the Jewish people.

41:15

Speaking of potato chips, you know

41:17

what I've always wondered is if

41:19

the palace belongs to Caesar. Where

41:22

is the apostrophe between the R

41:24

and the S? So for those

41:26

that are just listening or the

41:28

fact that there's not a camera

41:30

on what he's looking at, there's

41:33

a sign that says Caesar's Palace

41:35

and you're upset about the punctuation?

41:37

It's not my language, it's yours,

41:39

I had to learn the rules.

41:41

Comma. Want to hear a fun

41:44

fact about rosy? You don't think

41:46

it's a fun fact that there's

41:48

no apostrophe of Caesar's? Thousands of

41:50

years ago, it was thought of

41:52

to be a sign of respect

41:55

if you go and suck. on

41:57

the nipples of a king and

41:59

when I'm wait wait wait slow

42:01

down a little bit yes thousands

42:04

of years ago what would happen

42:06

um royalty it to show your

42:08

respect to royalty you had to

42:10

suck on the nipples I am

42:12

of my daughter suck on his

42:15

nipples both of them yes I

42:17

don't know if it was both

42:19

or just one and then when

42:21

a king What did something wrong

42:23

or something was failing in the

42:26

kingdom? Then they would sacrifice him

42:28

and cut off his nipple So

42:30

he could no longer be royalty.

42:32

I think you're talking about gay

42:34

kingdoms. No, let's let Gene will

42:37

know might I ask which Culture

42:39

that is I've never heard that

42:41

and I just heard it on

42:43

a podcast You're gonna get in

42:45

so much trouble more than I

42:48

What what what culture is it?

42:50

Who which culture? No, I don't

42:52

know we didn't the podcast didn't

42:54

get into you got pieces I

42:56

just got pieces of information How

42:59

do you feel free to comment

43:01

and leave a leave a how

43:03

does one approach or get close

43:05

enough? To a king to put

43:07

their lips on his nipples that

43:10

don't you get beheaded and No,

43:12

the king wants it to sign

43:14

a respect. There's no point in

43:16

bowing to me, just suck my

43:18

nipple, they used to say. They

43:21

used to say, can I have

43:23

my followers? Suck my nipples. That's

43:25

what they always say. The Jews

43:27

probably came up with some. We

43:29

did. Thank you, Jake. By the

43:32

way, do you know why you're

43:34

called Jews? Do I know why

43:36

I'm called a Jews? I asked

43:38

first. It's just they couldn't come

43:40

up with another word for, we

43:43

love these people. Nobody said that

43:45

ever. Nobody ever said that. No,

43:47

it's because you came from Judea

43:49

a place. So therefore you're Judean.

43:51

Hey Jude. You're thinking it's Jude.

43:54

That's what the song is about.

43:56

Correct. But you are a euden

43:58

of Deutsch. You're a Judean or

44:00

a Judean or a Jew. Or

44:02

you're a Hebrew because you came

44:05

from Hebron. Wow. That's the lesson

44:07

for today, children. That is. That's

44:09

amazing. That's amazing. I have an

44:11

image in my head. So when

44:13

you guys were on... It's a

44:16

good thing it's in your head

44:18

instead of your ass. That's the

44:20

main thing. Mr. Simmons. Thank you.

44:22

Question. He's got a question. This

44:24

is, put on your, put on

44:27

your headset so you can hear.

44:29

This is Sunny in the black

44:31

pad. He's got a quick question.

44:33

You know, when you're an hour

44:35

into the podcast, it's not considered

44:38

a quick question anymore. Go ahead.

44:40

Gene, would you rather lick a

44:42

nasty, smelly armpit or a bunny

44:44

callist foot? Good question. That's a

44:46

very good question. Can I, can

44:49

I retort without being retorted. The

44:51

first, see what I'm doing there,

44:53

my first question is how much.

44:55

Good question, good question. Sunny, how

44:57

much? It's not what you do.

45:00

I don't think he likes food.

45:02

100 million. I'm sorry? $100 million.

45:04

Dollars, US? Yeah, US dollars. Oh,

45:06

I blow you in front of

45:09

your children for that. Thank you,

45:11

son. Can you get a loan?

45:13

Oh my God. Wow, there's a

45:15

confession. And that's my, that's going

45:17

to be my, uh, my little

45:20

thumbnail of just, but, uh, suck

45:22

a bunion. Yeah, are you in

45:24

defeat? Well, not yours no,

45:26

I know but Shannon's Shannon's feet

45:28

sure because you know people have

45:30

foot fetages Fedishes Yes, of course

45:32

you don't you don't know what

45:35

I've seen. I'm much older than

45:37

you are I bet you you're

45:39

not much older. I'm gonna be

45:41

70 next year You're looking good.

45:43

Thank you. I think you're gonna

45:45

be popular in jail if I'm

45:47

not mistaken Because no who's gonna

45:49

give me a hundred million to

45:51

be popular? No, I'm about money.

45:53

I think you're gonna they're gonna

45:55

they gonna pass you're gonna pass

45:57

you around they gonna pass you

45:59

around I think it's a version

46:01

of Passover we're not familiar. I'm

46:04

the uffy goman found me anyway

46:06

what I was going to say

46:08

is we look up all our

46:10

guests on What is it? What's

46:12

that? You know you're on wiki

46:14

feet. You know you're on wiki

46:16

feet? You know you're on wiki

46:18

feet. You know you're on wiki

46:20

feet? Oh, good lord. There you

46:22

are That was from Gene Simmons

46:24

family jewels and I remember I

46:26

remember we went to a really

46:28

expensive You can see when you

46:30

look at the picture you know

46:33

something expensive is going on. Oh

46:35

yeah yeah it was like I

46:37

don't know three four grand a

46:39

day for them to not feed

46:41

you and torture you with you

46:43

know all kinds of stuff yeah

46:45

so I what was a spa

46:47

or something in San Diego yeah

46:49

where no phone calls no cell

46:51

no nothing and they don't feed

46:53

you and they make you go

46:55

on hikes and why you go

46:57

to those weird things do you

46:59

do those weird things those weird

47:02

spa things are you into like

47:04

I had look like What's that?

47:06

I have. Oh, you have. On

47:08

wiki feet also. Oh, that's on

47:10

wiki feet. Yeah. Because somebody showed

47:12

me this weird spa thing. What

47:14

was it? That's all on wiki

47:16

feet? Yeah. Oh, wow. Somebody showed

47:18

me this weird spa thing where

47:20

it's like chiropractor. Jeremy, you know,

47:22

which one that is. The chiropractor.

47:24

Do you do go, do you

47:26

do stretching? I've never, I've never

47:28

had a massage or a stretch

47:31

or anything. I'm blessed. I never

47:33

understand what people do when they

47:35

crack in the smack. I have

47:37

no idea. Look at this one.

47:39

We saw this one. This is

47:41

a new one and we're going

47:43

to give coupons away to some

47:45

of our viewers to go attend.

47:47

His name is Nathan and he

47:49

has a, it's called a stretch

47:51

and blow. So for those that

47:53

are just listening, there's a Nathan

47:55

is stretching somebody. He's going to

47:57

be stretching technique. He's pushing his

48:00

like, look, we're facing it. The

48:02

guy's face is right in. Perfect.

48:04

Two, great. You like to hear

48:06

that. You're doing a great job.

48:08

Grab out to these ankles right

48:10

here. You're going to pull down

48:12

in three, two, one. Great down

48:14

to the floor right there too.

48:16

Little bit of rocking one. Little

48:18

bit of rocking zero. Oh my

48:20

god. So anyway, we're giving away

48:22

coupon. He's got to have done

48:24

this before. Oh yeah, this is

48:26

not a first time. You're looking

48:29

at a pro. He's good. He's

48:31

very good. Because most same people,

48:33

so you know, you'd have the

48:35

what the fuck moment. You know

48:37

what, I thought you'd think so.

48:39

Have you ever gone to a,

48:41

have you ever gone to, uh,

48:43

no, a yoga class? Have you

48:45

ever gone to a yoga class?

48:47

Yes. People fart in there all

48:49

the time and nobody comments. It's

48:51

a complete waste of time. Farting?

48:53

Yoga. Oh, yoga. Farting is a

48:55

good, no, it's a good, I'm

48:58

suspicious of any sort of spiritual

49:00

stuff that comes from a country

49:02

that hasn't learned how to feed

49:04

its own population. I agree with

49:06

you, Mr. in the Ganges. I'm

49:08

worshiping cows. Oh my God. No,

49:10

no, no. Don't say that. Don't

49:12

go after people's religion. I'm not

49:14

going after people's religion. No, I

49:16

think you're going after a culture.

49:18

No, but the idea that the

49:20

Ganges, I so highly respect India,

49:22

the, you know, Sanskrit was one

49:24

of the first languages and all

49:27

that stuff. There's great history, but

49:29

it's. Idiotic to pee and shit

49:31

and do all that stuff in

49:33

the Ganges and then drink the

49:35

water or bathe in it and

49:37

do all that I feel like

49:39

you think you're gonna get healed

49:41

from the Ganges, right? They have

49:43

that I'm not going there. You

49:45

always want to push me into

49:47

dangerous territory. Just talking about hygiene,

49:49

which is what people say when

49:51

they see me. I've been trying

49:53

to do you fart. I'm sure

49:56

you do. I do like to

49:58

hold it in. Really? No, I

50:00

lie like home. I think sharing

50:02

is caring. That's what I tell

50:04

people. When they go, did you

50:06

part? So that's the secret. That

50:08

is the secret. You know, if

50:10

you tell a far joke and

50:12

it doesn't get a laugh, you

50:14

told it wrong. Give us an

50:16

example. That one? You are deep.

50:18

You know, I wanted to offer

50:20

you as a man. You have

50:22

so much stuff on your desk.

50:25

Well, these are all man-made under

50:27

pants. Oh, let me say. Would

50:29

you like a pair? Gene? Have

50:31

they been worn? No! I got

50:33

a pair like four months ago

50:35

and I put them on. I

50:37

would imagine your large... I'm still

50:39

aware. Feel this. These are four

50:41

guys from Canada. You like what

50:43

I just did? Caught it. Caught

50:45

it. Caught it. One hand. Man

50:47

made, they make it. Open it

50:49

a little bit and feel it.

50:51

You're going to love it. I

50:54

just got it. I'm about to

50:56

open it, my God. Open the

50:58

fucking bag, man. Okay. Sorry. No,

51:00

that we're having you do that.

51:02

We let the guest put their

51:04

own skin on. Oh, that was

51:06

nice. Not in the front, but

51:08

never has. You see that? It

51:10

looks good. And you don't sweat.

51:12

They don't ride up. There's no

51:14

chafing. Amazing. Look at the pouch

51:16

in the front. Look at how

51:18

you get into it. Is this

51:20

an infomercial? Is that what? No,

51:23

just a commercial. There's no infomercial.

51:25

There's no infomercial. There's no infomercial.

51:27

There's no infomercial. All right, sold

51:29

American wears for me. Yeah, or

51:31

share you can I mean you

51:33

can give it you want more

51:35

or share it? No, I've stopped

51:37

seeing her She stopped seeing you

51:39

because you fucked around on the

51:41

share You told us that last

51:43

time. Yes, you cheated on share

51:45

with with Diana Ross or is

51:47

it the other way around? I'm

51:49

sure other way around. No, you

51:52

did you were buying Christmas presents.

51:54

I want he went out with

51:56

share He was by and then

51:58

he just he lived by her

52:00

by her name He was shares

52:02

share if Christmas was coming if

52:04

you didn't watch that episode you

52:06

can but Christmas was coming he

52:08

had this beautiful talented young lady

52:10

as a partner share And she

52:12

said, you know what? I don't

52:14

trust your shopping acumen. So go

52:16

to New York and my friend

52:18

Diana will show you what I

52:21

want. And then he went to

52:23

New York shopping with Diana and

52:25

he showed her what he wants.

52:27

Yes. And the show. Not a

52:29

motherfucker, a friendfucker. You're a friendfucker.

52:31

She means that in the nicest

52:33

way possible. By the way, do

52:35

you believe in magic? Go ahead,

52:37

just jump in whenever you're like...

52:39

I'll kill myself soon. Go ahead.

52:41

And it's going to happen any

52:43

day. You have a sharp object?

52:45

Go ahead. Go ahead. You believe

52:47

in what? No, don't touch. What

52:50

were you going to say? So,

52:52

do you believe the truism that

52:54

all men, by virtue of their

52:56

DNA, are the same? No. In

52:58

what way? You picket Wilson? See,

53:00

picket Wilson? Wilson? Wilson, picket? Wilson,

53:02

picket, was an old singer. I

53:04

feel good. No, that's James Brown.

53:06

Stupid. I still feel good. He's

53:08

just telling you, he feels good.

53:10

No, I don't believe that all

53:12

men are the same. No. That

53:14

is the magic. That it's right

53:16

in front of them. Do you

53:19

think all women are the same?

53:21

Absolutely. Really? Absolutely. Then why don't

53:23

you like short black? Oh my

53:25

god. Oh my god. I never

53:27

said. No, you didn't say that.

53:29

I was just trying to make

53:31

fun. No, you're deep. You cannot

53:33

escape your DNA. Everybody's DNA is

53:35

different. Excuse me? Everyone's DNA is

53:37

different. Well, that's what I'm saying.

53:39

The female DNA. You can't escape.

53:41

You can't escape. You are. Isn't

53:43

it the chromosome thing? What are

53:45

you talking about? That's DNA. I

53:48

don't know what the chromosome, what

53:50

do you mean? Why chromosome, whatever

53:52

that defines who and what you

53:54

are at birth. Right. But your

53:56

DNA is what gives you blonde

53:58

hair, your predisposition to survive, your

54:00

survivalism. Deturgent? allows. Yes. I concur.

54:02

I concur, Dr. Simmons. Daughter of?

54:04

Yeah, go ahead. You were going

54:06

to say something. Go ahead. But

54:08

my DNA is not the

54:10

same as another woman's DNA.

54:13

We have different... No, no, it

54:15

is exactly the same. Oh, not

54:17

in the way you're thinking. She

54:20

caused that murder or that? Your,

54:22

your, uh... hair color and how tall

54:25

you are. Those are deviations about

54:27

climate, where you are, how much

54:29

melatonin you've gotten, all that kind

54:31

of stuff. That's the difference. But

54:34

your, we all share, males and

54:36

females by the way, heterosexual I

54:38

have to define it, is you

54:41

have the instinct to survive and

54:43

therein. the instinct to survive means

54:45

that you're going to do

54:48

all kinds of things without

54:50

even thinking about it. But

54:52

if you're not heterosexual you don't

54:54

have the instinct to survive. I'm

54:56

not qualified to discuss that because

54:59

I don't know. So if a

55:01

ball, it's not even a decision.

55:04

If some of these throws a

55:06

baseball in your face. That's

55:08

why before you even think about

55:10

it, you, you know, you

55:12

tense up and your eyes

55:14

close. to survive. For heterosexuals,

55:16

but non-heterosexuals. No, he can't

55:19

speak because... I never understood

55:21

why gay men were so

55:23

fierce. No, because he said

55:25

I cannot speak about homosexuals

55:27

because he's not one. He

55:29

doesn't understand. I didn't say

55:31

I don't understand. Don't put

55:33

words in my mouth or

55:35

my ass. You don't understand.

55:37

He said that he likes

55:39

homosexuals. So, excuse me? I

55:41

do. Some of my best friends.

55:44

don't like homosexuals. I don't know

55:46

that. It's probably an archaic word

55:49

by now. There's a lot of

55:51

new words in terms of pronouns

55:53

and sexuality and stuff

55:55

like that. We gotta catch

55:57

up. Do I know all the pronouns?

56:00

No, you don't know you

56:02

don't say that anymore.

56:04

Oh, you can't say

56:06

that. How old were

56:08

you when you lost

56:10

your virginity?

56:12

56? I was almost

56:14

14. So how old was

56:17

she? She was a

56:19

newly married woman and

56:21

it was a Friday

56:23

night late towards

56:26

Christmas or whatever. I think I

56:28

wrote about this, but I would

56:30

never mention her name. So can I?

56:32

Write it down and I will. Sure. Because

56:35

it's illegal. And Bernice. I

56:37

had newspaper routes and once

56:39

a week, actually I had collected two

56:41

routes. Once a week you go

56:43

to get the money for the

56:45

weeks, so-and-so. And so I knocked

56:47

on the door, Mrs. So-and-so apartment,

56:50

two-g. I remember. And she answered

56:52

the door. And it was about

56:55

six o'clock. Semi see through 90 and

56:57

all this guy and I'm 13 and change

56:59

and Mrs and I've got I'll

57:01

never forget the stupid hat I was

57:03

wearing it was freezing outside It had

57:05

fur on the thing you know so

57:07

you pull it over your ear and

57:09

stuff, but of course like Snoopy like

57:12

that's just like that you like the

57:14

red baron. Yep just like that. But

57:16

of course inside it's really hot so

57:18

you pull the ears up and of

57:20

course they push your ears out like

57:22

the open cab doors you see like

57:24

I'm there Yeah, so I was really

57:26

hot. Go ahead. And she was, I

57:28

got nervous, I remember this like

57:30

it was yesterday, and she's all

57:32

nervous and she said, come and

57:35

sit down, I'll get to her.

57:37

And I'm sitting on the couch

57:39

and she went and got, I

57:41

don't know, $2.75, something like

57:43

that, because the Sunday edition

57:45

was more expensive. New York?

57:47

Yes, and Queens, Jackson Heights,

57:50

New York. And the next

57:52

thing I knew. She's

57:54

crying and you

57:57

know I freeze up and

58:00

I'm on the couch and

58:02

then next thing I know

58:04

she was on top of

58:06

me. Howie. People don't know

58:08

what a bar mitzvah is

58:10

like. And that is why

58:12

we say today I am

58:14

a man. Did you go

58:16

back and visit her again?

58:18

No I was definitely afraid.

58:21

How do you know she

58:23

was newly married? The ring

58:25

and my husband's not going

58:27

to be home for a

58:29

while and yeah. Was she

58:31

still on the route? After

58:33

that I don't know I'd

58:35

never spot you know I

58:37

ran for the hills, but

58:39

you had to collect every

58:42

week she paid But I

58:44

gave her the tip Wow

58:46

one more question. I never

58:48

touched her. Okay one more

58:50

question. Okay one more question.

58:52

Okay, one more question Do

58:54

you consider what happened to

58:56

me? No, do you? No,

58:58

certainly not You're 13 years

59:00

old. You can't consent at

59:03

13. So why? Yeah, who

59:05

cares? We're men. He's still

59:07

talking about it right now.

59:09

You're right. You're right. Gene

59:11

Simmons was right. I don't

59:13

care. Do it again? Do

59:15

it again. Do it again.

59:17

Well, that's that title. Gene

59:19

Simmons wants to be raised.

59:21

Again we can't how many

59:24

times do we can't say

59:26

that? Oh sleep it bleep

59:28

it. Yeah, bleep it. So

59:30

mad at least statutory you're

59:32

gonna know statutory Yeah, but

59:34

anyway I wrote a song

59:36

four hours ago four hours

59:38

ago four hours ago can't

59:40

wait to ask you what

59:42

the title of the song

59:45

it's ten o'clock ten o'clock

59:47

right now I wrote that

59:49

four hours ago Okay Should

59:53

we close on that? Jean Simmons,

59:55

thank you. This is great. You're

59:57

always great. It's a real song?

59:59

Yeah, you wrote it. Was there

1:00:01

anything else besides it's 10 o'clock?

1:00:03

It was 10 o'clock when I

1:00:05

wrote it. So it's a very

1:00:07

short song? It's a song about

1:00:09

being 10 o'clock. I wrote it

1:00:11

for hours though. Oh, you want

1:00:13

to see? You want to see

1:00:15

a prolapse? Sure. No, you don't.

1:00:17

No, you don't. Look at the

1:00:19

screen. You don't have to listen.

1:00:21

Here we have a pre-taped prolapse.

1:00:23

Like, why do people do that?

1:00:25

Gene? Well, I don't know what

1:00:27

that is coming out. His ass.

1:00:29

Zanus. They protrude their anuses and

1:00:31

they want to do that and

1:00:33

they enjoy that and I don't

1:00:35

know why. And I've just been

1:00:37

sharing it and trying to find

1:00:39

out. I'm on a fact-finding mission.

1:00:41

I've never seen that and it

1:00:43

looks fake. It's not fake. It's

1:00:45

real. There's a whole portfolio. I

1:00:47

had a portfolio. We burned it.

1:00:49

The juice started it. You can

1:00:52

actually, uh, you can actually post

1:00:54

this? You can't? No, we're not

1:00:56

on. The podcast finished half hour.

1:00:58

This is just us having fun.

1:01:00

And why am I holding this

1:01:02

a week? I don't know. I

1:01:04

don't know. You could have left

1:01:06

half hour ago. I'm just enjoying

1:01:08

myself. Seth bought me this to

1:01:10

scare people. The good thing is,

1:01:12

it just pops up. Those two

1:01:14

people do it? I'm sure it

1:01:16

never gets sick. Oh, right. They're

1:01:18

not face to face. This is

1:01:20

a healthy way. No, I'm being.

1:01:22

You was irony. I got irony.

1:01:24

What are you saying, Lou? I'm

1:01:26

sure they have all kinds of

1:01:28

things. Tell them it's such a

1:01:30

pleasure to have spent time with

1:01:32

Mr. Simmon. He didn't say that

1:01:34

back to you, did it? No,

1:01:36

he didn't care. He didn't give

1:01:38

a fuck, but I'm saying it.

1:01:40

It is. It's always a pleasure.

1:01:42

Next Tuesday on Howie's Podcast.

1:01:44

Are you you to

1:01:46

a part of

1:01:48

the show? of the

1:01:50

you No. We're gonna, he's

1:01:52

not part of the show at

1:01:54

all. not part

1:01:56

show at all. to

1:01:58

we're ready to

1:02:00

go. This is

1:02:02

Mandel, stuff. I'm

1:02:05

Howie Mandel. I'm Howie

1:02:07

Schultz. And today

1:02:09

I'm have Lynch, and today

1:02:11

we let's start

1:02:13

this podcast. So let's start

1:02:15

this podcast.