My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.

Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

We want to hear from you. Take our quick survey to help improve Huberman Lab.

Thank you to our sponsorsAG1: https://drinkag1.com/hubermanHelix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/hubermanBetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/hubermanDavid Protein: https://davidprotein.com/hubermanLMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman

Timestamps00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

Disclaimer & Disclosures