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a journalist, is this real? And I think

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we will see a Twitch streamer, or

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can find Close all tabs, wherever

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you listen to podcasts. This

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episode of Hyper Fixed is brought

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commit themselves to the things they do?

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Why are people so worried about sport?

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Why wine? Why video games? I'm Brian

0:59

Lowry and in this season of my

1:02

podcast, Know What You See, I'm asking

1:04

a simple question, but a really big

1:06

one. What's the point? In conversations with

1:08

people with a variety of passions and

1:10

obsessions, we get the chance to look

1:12

through a window and see what it

1:14

means to truly focus on the realm

1:16

of human experience. Join me on Know

1:18

What You See. Know What You See.

1:20

New episodes begin November 26. Hey

1:26

everyone, this is Alex. Really quickly, before

1:28

this episode starts, I wanted to ask

1:30

you to consider signing up for hyperfix

1:32

premium. I am asking for two reasons.

1:34

The first is because I genuinely think

1:36

that if you like this show, you'll

1:38

probably like the bonus content. It's five

1:40

bucks a month, forty bucks a year,

1:42

and you'll get two bonus episodes a

1:44

month, access to our discord, which is

1:47

really shaping up to be like a

1:49

nice little community. I'm getting to know

1:51

everybody, and they're all really cool. We

1:53

do a monthly AMA with me and

1:55

the team. And like, if there's bonus content

1:57

you are dying to see from this show, I

1:59

am. open to suggestions and I

2:01

am not hard to contact. But

2:03

the second reason is that by

2:05

becoming a hyperfixed member, you're supporting

2:07

completely independent media and giving us

2:09

the ability to make the show

2:11

bigger, weirder, more fun, more exciting.

2:14

I have been incredibly lucky to

2:16

have assembled an amazing team of

2:18

producers who have all agreed to

2:20

work for way less than their

2:22

worth because they believe in this

2:24

weird little show we're making. And

2:26

if you believe in it too,

2:28

I'm just asking if you would

2:30

consider heading over to hyperfixed pod.com/join.

2:32

Your membership will allow me to

2:34

bring on new staff, bring on

2:37

guest reporters to help us solve

2:39

problems, make more ambitious episodes, make

2:41

more bonus content, and seriously so

2:43

much more. And we'll just keep

2:46

solving problems until there are no

2:48

problems left to solve and we'll

2:50

have created a lasting utopia. That's

2:52

my goal. Again, that's hyperfixed pod.com/join,

2:55

and I can't thank you enough

2:57

for listening. Here's the show. Last

2:59

week, Hyperfix performed our first

3:02

live story at on-air fest in

3:04

Brooklyn. And in most cases, if

3:06

we did a live version of

3:09

a show, we'd probably re-record

3:11

the entire thing for broadcast.

3:13

But in this case, the live

3:15

aspect was simply not replicable in

3:17

the studio, so we wanted to

3:20

play you the story as it

3:22

was performed at on-air fest. It's

3:24

a story about regret, fear,

3:26

fear, And ultimately, the courage

3:29

it takes to just try.

3:31

Here's the story. Okay, this

3:34

is a story that

3:36

we produced specially for this.

3:38

And I'm just going to launch

3:41

right into it and we'll see

3:43

how it goes. Thank you all

3:45

so much for coming. I really

3:48

appreciate it. And before I get

3:50

started, I really need to do

3:52

one thing, which is I need

3:55

to shout out. my team and

3:57

you guys should give them all an

3:59

amazing. around applause. Our engineer

4:02

Tony Williams, serious offers

4:04

to Kennek, Amore Yates,

4:06

Emma Cortland, who sadly

4:08

couldn't be here. Thank

4:10

you guys so much.

4:12

This is impossible without

4:15

you. Here we go. I am Alex

4:17

Goldman. This is hyperfixed.

4:20

Our first ever live taping.

4:22

On this show, listeners rating

4:24

with their problems, big and small.

4:26

And I solve them. Or at

4:28

least I try. And if I don't,

4:30

I at least give a good reason why I

4:33

can't. These words that I have just said to

4:35

you are the words that start every episode

4:37

of our show. And I like them because they

4:39

provide the listener with a sense of

4:41

calm and order. Like, Alex is here

4:44

to solve problems. He's going to guide

4:46

you from the beginning of the story

4:48

to the end. Everything's going to be chill.

4:50

But when I wrote those words a week ago,

4:52

I had no idea if we were going to

4:54

be able to be able to pull

4:56

off what we're attempting to pull off

4:59

today. And if I'm being totally honest,

5:01

I still don't know if we're going

5:03

to pull it off. But there's

5:05

only one way to find

5:07

out. So, this week, two

5:09

birds, 100 stones, a live

5:12

podcast in six chapters. Chapter

5:14

one. The first bird. OK. So

5:16

I have my camera set up

5:18

on a bunch of VHS tapes right

5:21

now, and I'm going to use those

5:23

to hold this thing up. Perfect. Why

5:25

do you have a bunch of VHS

5:28

tapes? Because I'm a giant nerd. This

5:30

is Keenan. He's a Toronto native.

5:32

And if he is a nerd, he is the

5:34

very best kind of nerd. He is a media

5:37

nerd. And not just the kind

5:39

that obsesses over stats and trivia,

5:41

Keenan is the kind of nerd

5:43

that attends as much to the social

5:45

world of the art as the

5:47

art itself. He spent years working

5:49

in record stores, concert venues. He

5:51

has an insane collection of physical

5:54

media. But there's one artist whose

5:56

work continues to evade him. And

5:58

that artist is his... mother, Megan.

6:00

What is your relationship with your mom

6:03

like? Like, are you guys pretty

6:05

candid with one another? Do you

6:07

have an easy relationship? Is it

6:10

difficult? Is it weird? Like, what

6:12

kind of relationship do you have?

6:14

I would say it's all of

6:16

those things. That's totally fair. Yeah,

6:19

I love my mom to bits.

6:21

She's been a very emotionally honest

6:23

person my entire life. Like there's

6:25

nothing that she really hides or

6:28

holds back on. When we have

6:30

any kind of personal difficulties, like

6:32

we can talk about it. She's not

6:34

a very closed person, she doesn't hide

6:36

things. So that's why I think that

6:39

we have a great relationship. But there

6:41

is one thing that Megan has been

6:43

reluctant to talk about. Her young dreams

6:45

of being a songwriter. Over the years,

6:48

Keenan's heard the story and bits

6:50

and pieces, but the broad strokes of

6:52

it goes something like this. In the

6:54

early 80s, Megan was a waitress at

6:57

Second City in Toronto, and she was

6:59

writing songs. A friend of hers, Second

7:01

City's House piano player, said, hey, I

7:04

have this friend, she's a singer-songwriter, I

7:06

guarantee she would love to perform

7:08

your songs. Her name's Katie Lange. Let's

7:10

record some songs, you can give her

7:12

your tape, I'll put in a good

7:15

word for you. She was a massive

7:17

Katie Lange fan, she saw her perform

7:19

at the Cameron House, which is like

7:21

a not-very-large music venue here in Toronto.

7:23

She did a week-long residency, and my

7:26

mom was there every night. sitting

7:28

in the front row by herself.

7:30

Anyway, she has a cassette tape

7:32

of her songs and she handed

7:34

that to Katie Lange at one

7:36

point and never heard back. It

7:38

was gone. After that, Megan was

7:40

so devastated by the apparent rejection,

7:42

she sold her piano, she packed

7:44

up all her music, and she

7:46

charted a new career path

7:48

for herself. Megan started working

7:50

in film and television, and that's

7:53

what she still does today.

7:55

She doesn't need a megaphone. She's the

7:57

person on set who is just saying like,

7:59

and we're... and she's five foot

8:01

nothing and just commands

8:03

everybody. She is in

8:05

charge of the set and that's

8:08

that's what she's like. These

8:10

are some photos of Megan

8:12

from her on-set stuff. This

8:14

is her with Don Johnson,

8:16

Brian Denny. Rutger Howard.

8:18

For all intents and

8:20

purposes, Megan has lived

8:22

an extraordinary life. She's

8:24

worked with tons of

8:26

celebrities, Jason Priestly, Billy

8:29

Zane, Gabriel Byrne, and

8:31

she has a massive amount of

8:33

insane stories about everyone from

8:35

Leonard Cohen to Robin Williams.

8:37

But Keenan has always sensed

8:40

that somewhere inside his mother,

8:42

there's still a person who longs

8:44

to be a musician, or at least

8:46

part of her that regrets that

8:49

she stopped trying. Basically, she

8:51

gave up on doing this.

8:53

After the tape didn't lead

8:55

to anything, after Katie Lange

8:57

never called her back, she

8:59

just was like, fuck it, it's

9:01

never going to happen, I'm

9:03

abandoning this completely.

9:06

That kind of bumps me out.

9:08

I feel like... Yeah, me too!

9:10

Me too! She really felt as

9:12

though she had something to say through

9:14

these songs, and other than

9:16

a handful of people, nobody's

9:19

ever heard it. And I truly

9:21

feel like that. lingers,

9:23

it still lingers with her.

9:25

So I wanted to bring her

9:27

some resolution to this

9:29

thing that she always wanted

9:32

and never had. Also for

9:34

a woman who sounds like

9:36

kind of brassy and willing

9:38

to talk about anything, the

9:41

fact that there is this

9:43

one component of her life

9:45

that she steadfastly refuses to

9:47

talk about, it must feel

9:49

like a gap. A knowledge

9:51

gap in this person that you

9:54

I think know pretty well. Yeah,

9:56

I have never heard these

9:58

recordings never They exist on

10:01

a real-to-real tape that is

10:03

sitting in a box somewhere,

10:05

and then there's sheet music

10:07

for all of them, all of

10:10

the songs that I've never seen. I

10:12

have memories of this one song

10:14

that she did sometimes. It

10:16

was about her friend. That's

10:18

all I remember, because we're

10:20

going back over 20 years at

10:23

this point. So I would love to

10:25

see this tape get restored, and I

10:27

have it. Absolutely no, I have no

10:29

knowledge of how to do that. It's

10:32

a grimy old tape that like would

10:34

need to be cleaned up. So that's

10:36

where Kina reached out to me. He

10:38

had an instinct that I could get

10:41

his grimy tape cleaned up for

10:43

his mom. So she could hear

10:45

her music again and be

10:47

inspired. And he was right about one

10:49

thing. I am the type of guy who

10:51

has a real to real in his attic.

10:54

It's because I'm cool. But I had

10:56

a feeling. He was wrong about

10:58

something else, which is that I

11:00

don't think that this project was

11:03

entirely for his mom. Are you

11:05

more interested in hearing this

11:07

tape yourself or in her hearing

11:09

it? With you, I guess, would be the

11:11

way I would put it. That's

11:14

interesting. I mean, I want to

11:16

hear it because I've never heard it,

11:18

so I'm definitely interested in hearing it

11:20

for myself, but like, I guess

11:22

I would say I am doing

11:24

this. It's... for her as well.

11:26

So I guess both. I would love to,

11:28

I would love to get her to talk about

11:30

it more. It's one of the

11:32

few things that she doesn't want

11:34

to talk about very much. And

11:37

maybe that's just because I haven't

11:39

asked the right questions. I'm always

11:41

hesitant to kind of bring it out. Also,

11:43

there's not many reasons for

11:45

it to come up in conversation

11:47

necessarily. Keenan told me his mother

11:50

is coming to visit him in a

11:52

couple days and that she'll be staying

11:54

for a week. So the plan. is for

11:56

him to bring it up sometime while

11:58

she's there. Are you... worried about

12:01

broaching this with her?

12:03

Like are you worried that

12:05

it might upset her?

12:07

Yeah, but I think that

12:09

it's not going to

12:11

be... I'm hoping that me

12:14

saying, you know, what we're

12:16

doing here, I tell her

12:18

this story, that might excite

12:21

her. Like I'm leaning more,

12:23

I am worried, but I'm hopeful.

12:26

I'm also worried this is another

12:28

major thing that I need to

12:30

bring up. I'm worried that these

12:32

songs are bad. I'm worried that

12:35

there's a reason she didn't get

12:37

signed, but I have no idea.

12:39

I have vague memories of one

12:41

of the songs that I remember

12:43

sounding pretty good when I

12:45

was a kid, but I'm like,

12:47

all I know is that my

12:50

grandmother truly believed in her. How's

12:52

your grandmother's taste? Oh, my Nana

12:54

was the best. Do you worry about

12:56

us recording this and then going

12:58

to her and being like hey

13:00

we talked about this deeply personal

13:02

thing that you consider a failure

13:04

in your life? And we want

13:06

you to revisit that thing that

13:08

you consider a failure. Do you

13:10

worry that she's going to be

13:12

like what's your problem? Like why

13:14

would you bring this up? A little

13:17

bit? I mean like you know her well

13:19

enough. What do you think her reaction

13:21

to this being revisited would

13:23

be? I'm leaning more towards

13:25

the side of this could

13:27

potentially excite her. I

13:29

also think maybe she'll be like,

13:32

well, I'll do this for my son,

13:34

you know. I want to believe

13:36

the reason that I haven't

13:38

told her about it yet

13:40

is just because, one, I

13:42

wanted to have this conversation

13:44

first, and two, I didn't

13:46

want to necessarily... Have her shut

13:48

it down right away. So I wanted

13:51

to have something on paper to be

13:53

like I've already had this like interview

13:55

with these people who are interested in

13:57

talking about it because she's somebody that

13:59

like I'll secretly record

14:01

a video of her

14:03

doing something ridiculous because

14:06

she's a very funny

14:08

person and she'll be

14:10

kind of embarrassed that I

14:12

did that and then watch the

14:14

video and she will kind of

14:16

acknowledge that she is very funny

14:18

in it. So I think with

14:20

a push. Perhaps she will be

14:22

on board, but I'm going to

14:24

have to tell her and I've

14:26

got a whole week with her.

14:28

Like this couldn't have timed out

14:30

better. So we'll see. My advice would

14:33

be talk to your mom and then I

14:35

guess we'll just see what happens, you

14:37

know, like how she feels and if she's

14:39

comfortable with it and... I would love to

14:42

talk to her about it. I would love

14:44

to, at the very least, hear the tape

14:46

and see if it's salvageable. It's daunting, but

14:48

I'm not afraid to ask the question, that's

14:51

for sure. Let her know that some strange

14:53

guy from the internet is interested in hearing

14:55

her music. Chapter 2, the second bird. So

14:57

I didn't tell Keenan this because I didn't

14:59

want to put any pressure on him. But while

15:01

I was trying to help Keenan solve his

15:03

problem, I was standing waist deep in a

15:06

problem in a problem in a problem

15:08

of my problem of my own problem of

15:10

my own problem of my own. And

15:12

I was beginning to wonder if Keenan

15:14

could help me solve that problem. So

15:17

back in November of 2024, I'd

15:19

been contacted by the organizers of

15:21

On Airfest about doing something for

15:23

the 2025 festival. And I said,

15:26

of course. Because even though we'd

15:28

only made two episodes of hyperfakes

15:30

at that point, and the team

15:32

was only just starting to learn

15:34

how to work together, the festival

15:37

was four months away. Also, I have a

15:39

policy of saying yes to everyone who asked

15:41

me to do podcast stuff, unless they're fascists.

15:43

So anyway, I agree to do the show,

15:45

and then, I mean, you guys know what

15:47

happened. November turns to December, and we're like,

15:49

we should probably start talking about on Airfest.

15:51

And I'm like, oh yeah, let's add it

15:53

to the agenda for next week. And then

15:55

next week turns into next week, and that

15:57

week turns into Christmas, and Christmas turns into

15:59

New Year. you get it. And we

16:01

were able to come up with a

16:03

few decent ideas and if you were

16:06

eagle-eyed you might have even spotted the

16:08

original idea we were going to do

16:10

for this on-the-on-air fest

16:12

website. But between January

16:14

and the beginning of February every

16:16

permutation of every idea we've had

16:19

for the show has fallen apart.

16:21

So by the time I hang

16:23

up with Keenan on February 4th,

16:25

which is what, today's the 20th so

16:27

that's... for 16 days ago, my

16:29

hands are empty. And if we

16:31

can't find a story, we will

16:34

have no choice but to stage

16:36

our doomsday option, which is titled,

16:38

On Airfest presents Alex

16:40

Goldman attempts to make

16:42

new friends. Honestly, even the

16:44

thought of that makes me shudder,

16:47

it's as bad as it sounds.

16:49

The idea was that I would

16:51

bring people from the audience, on

16:53

stage, and become friends with them

16:55

during the session. But

16:59

I have another idea,

17:01

and it involves Keenan.

17:03

So two days after

17:05

our first call, I shoot

17:07

him an email to ask

17:09

him if he has time for

17:11

a quick conversation.

17:14

Which brings us to

17:16

Chapter 3. The first stone.

17:18

One, two, four, one, two,

17:20

four, one, two, four. One,

17:22

two, four, one, two, four.

17:24

Hi, Keenan's mom is

17:26

at his house. She's just flown in

17:28

from Nova Scotia, she's staying for about

17:31

a week, and the visit's going

17:33

fine, but Keenan hasn't told her about

17:35

the podcast yet. So he has snuck

17:37

out into his backyard to talk to us.

17:39

I'll keep this brief, and it's crazy, it

17:41

is totally fine if you're like, there's no

17:44

way this is going to work, okay? I

17:46

just want to get that out in front

17:48

of that. I'm excited to hear it. So I

17:50

tell him the story I just told you,

17:52

about how I just told you about how

17:55

I had committed to this thing, and then,

17:57

and about how I'm exploring alternative options for

17:59

this life. which is scheduled to take

18:01

place in two weeks, and I

18:04

thought, maybe this is an opportunity

18:06

to kill two birds with one

18:08

stone. And then I very

18:10

tactfully asked him, I was wondering,

18:13

considering your mom, truly

18:15

desires an audience. Do you

18:18

think she would like, we could

18:20

make this a story where in

18:22

two weeks? The

18:24

look on your face is

18:26

mad skeptical. We can, I

18:28

can compose the story and

18:30

then at the end she can

18:32

come out and sing for us. Oh

18:35

my god. That is... Oh my god.

18:37

I totally understand. Just think

18:39

about it. No pressure. I

18:42

know that's like a crazy thing.

18:44

Do I want it to happen?

18:47

100%. Do I think it could

18:49

happen? Big Maybe, I don't know.

18:51

I don't think she's done it

18:54

in years. Again, totally fine if

18:56

this is not a thing that is

18:58

possible. I just want her to

19:00

know that like if she feels

19:03

comfortable doing it, I would

19:05

love to give her the opportunity

19:07

to sing the song she felt

19:09

like she wasn't able to sing

19:11

to other people. Oh my God.

19:13

I will ask her. I'm still trying

19:15

to think about how to broach

19:18

this information to begin with, but

19:20

I have a whole day with

19:22

her today. And again, I apologize

19:24

because I'm also putting pressure on

19:26

you by doing this. I know

19:28

this is nuts. I mean, technically

19:31

you are, but this is like, God,

19:33

if this could happen, I would be

19:35

like just over the moon, but yeah,

19:37

it would be so cool. Two weeks

19:39

is like, I understand, yes, I

19:41

understand. I will talk to her

19:43

today. I mean, I got to

19:46

broach the story thing first and

19:48

then I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll tell her.

19:50

Okay, let's see how it goes. Can

19:52

you, can you hear the desperation

19:54

in my voice? Can you hear

19:57

it? It's so bad. Listening to

19:59

that gives. me secondhand embarrassment

20:01

for myself. That's wacky. Okay,

20:03

chapter four. The first bird,

20:06

part two. So, a couple days later,

20:08

we got an email from Keenan,

20:10

saying Megan's agreed to talk to

20:12

us. And we're like, holy shit,

20:14

this is gonna work. Megan's dream

20:16

is going to come true. Keenan's

20:18

going to get to hear his

20:20

mother's music. We're not going to

20:22

get banned from on Airfest. And

20:24

best of all, I'm not going

20:26

to have to embarrass myself trying

20:29

to make new friends in

20:31

front of a bunch of

20:33

strangers. Everything is coming up Goldman.

20:35

And then we get on a

20:38

video call with Megan. And without

20:40

saying it directly, she very clearly

20:42

conveys that she does not want

20:44

to even be talking to us. You

20:46

guys, Mom? Yeah, I'm really great, Kenan.

20:49

See what I mean? Now,

20:51

under normal circumstances, this would have given

20:53

me pause because the last thing I

20:56

want to do is force a spotlight

20:58

on someone who genuinely wants to avoid

21:00

attention. Even if it means that I'm

21:02

going to walk away from this with nothing

21:04

to show for it. But Keenan cautioned me

21:07

about his mom that while she may hate

21:09

the idea of attention, once she warms up

21:11

a bit, Megan actually kind of loves

21:14

it. So all I had to do was warm her own.

21:16

So I'm wondering just to start

21:18

if you could introduce yourself. My name

21:20

is Megan Banning. I am the mother

21:22

of King and Townland who

21:25

started this kofuffle. I live

21:27

in Halifax, Nova Scotia, which is

21:29

a beautiful coastal town in

21:31

Canada, and I'm here to

21:33

visit my son. And he's

21:35

ruined your whole trip, right? Well,

21:38

he, well, I wasn't in the door,

21:40

like I think it was like the

21:42

first day, and I, and I cried,

21:44

and I don't cry, very, very, very

21:46

rarely. Oh, how dare you. And it

21:48

was, it's a part of my life

21:50

that breaks my heart because, um, it was,

21:52

it's a shirt of coat of water. Right. Well,

21:54

I wanna, I like, wanna ask you about

21:56

that. Like, how did you get interested

21:58

in music? I came from a

22:01

very dysfunctional home. My mother was

22:03

bipolar. My father was an alcoholic.

22:05

But we had love and music

22:07

and we danced. On a good

22:09

day we danced, but music was

22:11

always a thing. There was a

22:13

piano in our home. My mother

22:15

tells a story. I just clonged

22:17

under the piano and everything shut

22:19

out. It was my piece. And I

22:21

could play anything. I could hear everything

22:24

I could play. And I could write

22:26

music instantly. I went to another

22:28

place. I went to a place that

22:30

I was calm and it was like,

22:32

I was in another world. It was

22:34

my world. It was my music. I

22:37

played every day, probably eight hours a

22:39

day. Eight hours. Yeah, I played, that's

22:41

all I did is play music. Now

22:43

I just play Yooker online. For

22:45

the next 45 minutes, Megan told

22:48

me about her life and her music.

22:50

She told me about her dreams of

22:52

becoming a songwriter and about when she

22:54

didn't hear back from Katie Lange, she

22:56

decided it meant she wasn't good enough

22:59

to be a professional musician.

23:01

So she sold her piano, stashed

23:03

the last of her recordings, and

23:05

nondescript boxes and drawers, where she

23:08

expected they'd stay until long after she

23:10

died. Keenan would later tell me this was

23:12

the most he ever heard his mom talk

23:14

about her music. And even though it was

23:16

clear... that revisiting these

23:18

memories was indeed very painful

23:21

for Megan. It also seemed

23:23

like the process of actually

23:25

doing that, of sifting through

23:27

these old painful memories. It

23:29

was almost liberating for her.

23:31

It reminded me of that thing that

23:34

Mr. Rogers used to say about

23:36

how if it's mentionable,

23:38

it's manageable. Like as long as we

23:40

can figure out a way to carry

23:42

it. And I think for Keenan. watching

23:45

his mom talk so openly

23:47

about her music also kind

23:49

of freed him to talk about

23:51

what the silence around this music

23:53

has meant to him and why

23:56

he started this whole thing in

23:58

the first place. I guess... It mostly

24:00

came from a desire

24:03

to hear those songs,

24:05

because my mom is

24:08

a very, very open

24:10

person, as you can

24:12

hear. And this seemed

24:15

to be one of the only

24:17

things that she didn't want

24:19

to talk about that much.

24:21

And every time I said,

24:23

can I hear those songs?

24:25

No. They were all there

24:27

on a only on a

24:29

real to real tape tape

24:31

and that's going to take

24:33

I don't know how to

24:35

clean that up and I got

24:37

the sheet I don't know where it is

24:40

and I didn't know how much of this

24:42

Was true and how much was her

24:44

holding back and I thought Maybe all

24:46

this story is is my problem

24:48

is that I need to get

24:50

this tape restored and that way

24:53

I could present it to her

24:55

and then I could listen to

24:57

it and that was that And

24:59

then now the story has kind

25:01

of become a lot more about

25:03

her, which I love because she

25:05

has a story. I think that

25:07

because this is one of the

25:10

few things that she is hesitant

25:13

to talk about, it seemed like

25:15

a unfinished chapter of

25:17

her life, and it could be

25:19

a bit of a bookend to

25:21

that story, but not necessarily

25:24

the end. Yeah. Can I say

25:26

what this means to me? That

25:29

my son who I love to do I

25:31

I hope so why I? But I didn't

25:33

under I didn't get how

25:35

much he knew how much it meant

25:37

to me Until he did this I

25:40

never thought it mattered to him.

25:42

I didn't think he to me.

25:44

It was just something I did

25:47

I didn't realize that he Pay

25:49

attention to it and when he said

25:51

mom I got this about your

25:53

music I went about my

25:56

music Like I cried, I was

25:58

mad. Ask him, I was in... tears.

26:00

I can't talk about this.

26:02

He said, can we talk

26:04

about it? No, it wasn't

26:06

until today that I would

26:08

let him talk about it.

26:11

Because it's so personal

26:13

because it's when you let

26:15

yourself down, when I didn't

26:18

do something that was I

26:20

should have done, I didn't

26:22

do something I was

26:24

supposed to do. But

26:26

in my heart a heart, I'm a

26:29

musician. By this point, we'd been talking

26:31

to Megan for over an hour. And

26:33

I feel like I understand

26:35

everything that Keenan told

26:37

me about his mom. This woman

26:40

has not had an easy life.

26:42

She's been knocked around, beaten down,

26:44

but there's still so much fire

26:46

inside of her. And yes, she

26:48

spent decades carrying the weight

26:51

of her regrets and fears. but I

26:53

am a firm believer in the idea

26:55

that it is never too late to

26:57

change your life. And also,

26:59

Keenan had told me that all

27:01

his mom needed was a push. So,

27:04

I decided to push her. I say, Megan,

27:06

I don't want to beat around

27:08

the bush. You're a musician with

27:11

songs that nobody's ever heard, and

27:13

I'm a podcaster with an empty

27:15

stage and an audience hungry for

27:18

something that stirs their souls. Would

27:20

you do us all the honor?

27:22

of performing your music

27:25

live at On Airfest in

27:27

Brooklyn, New York. Oh, not happening.

27:29

I'm not, that's never going to

27:32

happen. I'm never going to be

27:34

on the stage and sing my

27:36

songs because I can't sing anymore.

27:39

Like I can't, like my

27:41

voice, I smoked fucking

27:43

Marlboros. Just because you don't

27:45

sing like Katie Lange, doesn't

27:48

mean you can't sing

27:50

like her anyway. She's

27:52

too twangy. No, um,

27:54

just could not

27:57

do that.

28:00

here's what I

28:02

could do. I would

28:04

love to have someone

28:07

else sing, like, to

28:09

have my music heard

28:11

and my song heard,

28:13

that would be, I

28:15

would die to hear

28:17

that. Yeah? I'm getting

28:20

cheery, I just

28:22

thinking about it. I

28:24

mean, it would be,

28:27

it'd be something. that we

28:29

could get someone to perform?

28:31

What song would that be? It's

28:33

called Room. Ruins, Megan told me,

28:35

is a song about a feeling

28:37

she had years ago, after her

28:40

then fiancé broke off their engagement.

28:42

It's about that singular kind of

28:44

heartbreak you experience when you're by

28:46

yourself in the same spaces you

28:48

used to share with someone you

28:50

loved, when the volume of your

28:52

sadness and anger is only outweighed

28:55

by how much you miss being

28:57

in a room with them. What

29:00

would it mean to you for

29:03

people to hear that music? Would

29:05

it mean anything at all to

29:07

you now? Like, what would it

29:10

feel like to have people

29:12

in public hear that? It would

29:14

take you back to me back

29:17

then. That, that young, I was

29:19

never sweet. I can't say

29:21

sweet. No, but that,

29:23

that part of me,

29:25

that still exists. To

29:27

hear that music, toy.

29:29

And is it good?

29:31

I mean, it could

29:34

be shit. I

29:36

mean, I haven't

29:39

listened for

29:41

so long, but

29:44

I just know...

29:46

heart. In my

29:49

heart, I know

29:51

it's good. But we

29:53

do also like to get into

29:55

other kinds of stories. Stories about

29:58

policing or politics, country music, talk.

30:00

Sex of bugs. Regardless

30:02

of whether we're looking at

30:04

science or not science, we

30:07

bring a rigorous curiosity to

30:09

get you the answers. And hopefully,

30:11

make you see the world

30:13

anew. Radio Lab, Adventures

30:16

on the Edge of what we think

30:18

we know. Wherever you get your podcast.

30:20

So I have two cats, snuggle and

30:23

fur ball. They are both indoor cats.

30:25

And it's been a particularly brutal winter

30:27

in the Northeast, so I am largely

30:30

an indoor human. And on top of

30:32

that, the recording studio where I make

30:34

this show is in my basement literally

30:37

right next to my cat's litter. So

30:39

it has the potential to get pretty

30:41

gross down here. And that is why

30:44

I use pretty litter. Pretty litter's non-clumping

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for details. This episode

31:35

of hyper fixed is brought

31:37

you by Quince. So I think you

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know by listening to this show that

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in the world I am actually more

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get free shipping

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and 365 day

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returns. quince.com

32:50

slash hyper fixed. She

32:52

told us she wants to do this.

32:54

And that when she gets back to

32:56

Halifax on Tuesday, she's going to send

32:58

over the sheet music and the cassette.

33:00

And all of this is great. We

33:02

say goodbye, we hang up the call,

33:04

and then all we can do is

33:07

wait and pray that at some point

33:09

between now and then, Megan doesn't change

33:11

her mind. Because if she does, we

33:13

have no backup plan for this live

33:15

show and no time to figure out

33:17

an alternative. And if you think I'm

33:20

simply mentioning this simply for the sake

33:22

of ramping up narrative tension, one,

33:24

you're right. Two, let me remind

33:27

you, this woman has not let

33:29

anyone hear her music in nearly

33:31

four decades, including her son. And

33:33

now we're expecting her to turn

33:36

over the only recordings via snail

33:38

mail to a bald stranger whose end

33:40

game is to share it with the

33:42

world. So needless to say,

33:44

I did not sleep well on Monday

33:46

of last week. I spent the evening

33:48

imagining what the organizers of on Airfest

33:51

would do with this programming slot if

33:53

I failed to fill it. My most fantastical

33:55

idea would be that there would

33:57

be an Alex Goldman effigy contest.

34:00

during which the most realistic Alex

34:02

Goldman would be strung up right

34:04

there in the main hall so

34:07

attendees could take turns beating it

34:09

like a piniana. When I wake

34:11

up on Tuesday I said about

34:13

finding a singer. I don't know

34:15

a lot of musicians in New

34:18

York so I texted my friend

34:20

Eliza McLam who lives in LA.

34:22

Eliza is a musician and a

34:24

podcaster she hosts a podcast

34:27

called Binch Topia but her

34:29

voice. It's somehow delicate and

34:31

cuts right through you. She sounds like she

34:33

could sing you a lullaby and eat

34:35

you alive simultaneously. And honestly, she

34:37

would have been a perfect for

34:40

this, but I was hoping she

34:42

could recommend someone in the city.

34:44

And when I got in touch with

34:46

her, she told me she'd actually just

34:48

moved to the city. And immediately I'm

34:50

like, oh, this was meant to be.

34:52

So I got on my knees and

34:54

I started begging. And she was like,

34:56

calm down, dude, I'll love to sing Megan

34:59

song. And I'm like, great, as soon as

35:01

I get the music, I'll send it over.

35:03

We check in with Keenan throughout the

35:05

day. Keenan checks in with Megan, but

35:07

by 730 p.m. there's still no

35:10

news. Megan's told Keenan that she

35:12

knows exactly where the cassette tape

35:14

is, but that the sheet music

35:17

might take a bit longer to

35:19

find. And as for the real-to-real,

35:21

which contains the only copies of

35:23

the studio recordings Megan made for

35:25

Katie, that was completely MIA. So

35:27

we agree to circle up on

35:30

Wednesday morning. Wednesday morning, there's

35:32

good news from Keenan. The

35:35

sheet music and the cassette

35:37

have been located. But the

35:39

sheet music is just piano

35:41

chords. The lyrics were written

35:44

by hand. Megan has no way

35:46

to play the cassette. And. And.

35:48

There's a huge snowstorm coming

35:51

to Nova Scotia. So we scrap

35:53

the idea of sending the stuff

35:55

through the mail. Keenan starts calling audio

35:57

nerds and Halifax looking for someone cable

36:00

of converting a cassette into a digital

36:02

file they can send to us. Obviously,

36:04

this is not an ideal situation, but

36:06

then again, none of the work we've

36:08

done on this project is ideal. And

36:10

yet it is starting to feel like

36:13

we have inadvertently assembled a small army

36:15

of people who are deeply invested in

36:17

the outcome of this operation. Like within

36:19

hours, Keenan has made contact with a

36:21

legendary local musician named Richo Coyne who

36:24

has the gear to get the job

36:26

done. And Rich is like, yes,

36:28

bring me your tired, your poor,

36:30

your busted tapes. I will convert

36:32

them. And then we can get them

36:35

to Eliza. But due to the

36:37

storm, nobody is able to get

36:39

over to Rich's until Thursday.

36:41

Thursday. At 7 AM on Thursday,

36:43

Keenan Texts to say that the

36:46

tape is on its way to

36:48

Rich's. And at this point, we

36:50

are exactly one week to the

36:52

day from our show at on

36:55

Airfest. And the organizers of On

36:57

Airfest have started sending us follow-up

36:59

emails reminding us that our scripts

37:01

and our clips and our photos

37:03

are due by Friday, aka tomorrow. But

37:06

the thing is, we don't have any

37:08

of that stuff. Because this whole story

37:10

hinges on a single song, a song

37:12

we've never heard, and at this point,

37:15

there's a pretty good chance we never

37:17

will. Because remember. This tape

37:19

that's heading to Richards, it's nearly

37:21

40 years old. And it's been

37:23

hiding at the bottom of a

37:26

box filled with all kinds of

37:28

other shit, and there's really no

37:30

telling what kind of condition it'll

37:32

be in when it arrives, or if

37:34

it'll even be salvageable. So

37:36

when Rich sends this photo

37:38

of the cassette, our hearts fucking

37:41

sink. The tape is visibly bent,

37:43

twisted up inside the cassette's

37:45

plastic casing. And as I'm looking

37:48

at it. There's a brief moment where

37:50

I wish I had quicksand near my house. Then

37:52

I could just take a walk and end

37:54

up accidentally buried up to

37:56

my collarbones and explain to

37:58

passerby that unfortunately I will... not be

38:00

able to attend the on-air Fest

38:02

2025, the Premier Festival

38:05

of Sound and Storytelling

38:07

featuring intimate conversations, performances,

38:10

and live podcasts, because

38:12

I'll be here, in quicksand. Anyway,

38:14

about an hour later, the

38:17

thought evaporates completely, because Rich,

38:19

he goes in manually, re-reels the

38:21

tape with the kind of

38:23

care and precision one might

38:25

expect from a man who's

38:27

deactivating a bomb. And by

38:29

noon, we have digital copies

38:32

of Megan's songs in our

38:34

inbox. And the moment we

38:36

hear them, it's like, look, I

38:38

don't believe in destiny. But

38:41

over the course of my life, I

38:43

have experienced, I'm

38:45

going to start crying.

38:47

But over the course

38:49

of my life, I've

38:51

experienced alignments that certainly

38:53

felt like they were faded.

38:55

And when Megan sent... music

38:57

to my friend Eliza. I

39:00

felt like I was in the middle of

39:02

one of those things, where a

39:04

hundred crazy elements suddenly

39:07

and inexplicably aligned

39:09

precisely the way they were meant

39:11

to. So without further ado, I'd like

39:14

to invite Eliza McLam to join

39:16

me for the sixth and final

39:18

chapter of our show. The song

39:20

Rooms by Megan Banning. smoke-filled

39:34

rooms and

39:37

lonely afternoons

39:39

empty faces

39:41

go in

39:43

nowhere places

39:45

idle chatter

39:47

as we

39:49

gather at

39:52

no name

39:54

bars no

39:56

introductions needed

39:58

I've been

40:00

before nowhere

40:03

once forgotten

40:05

no where

40:08

once forgotten

40:11

well I'm

40:13

ambling on

40:16

and it's

40:19

all gone

40:21

wrong because

40:24

I'm missing

40:27

you It's

40:35

been a gambling

40:37

game. I'm just

40:40

a few cards

40:43

short. So I'll

40:45

wrap myself up

40:48

in your memory.

40:51

Just to get

40:53

me through. I'll

41:18

be missing

41:20

you. Oh,

41:23

I'll be

41:25

missing you.

41:28

Smoke filled

41:30

rooms and

41:33

lonely afternoons.

41:35

Empty afternoons.

41:38

Empty faces.

41:46

Idle chatter as

41:48

we gather at.

41:50

No name bars,

41:53

no introductions needed.

42:09

Thank you so

42:11

much. Thank you.

42:14

So what you're

42:17

hearing right? Thank

42:20

you. So what

42:22

you're hearing right

42:25

now is the

42:28

recording from a

42:31

boom box on

42:33

top of 1983,

42:36

I think. So

42:43

what you don't know is

42:45

that Keenan and Megan have

42:47

been watching via a Zoom

42:49

call, which is being held

42:51

by my producer Sari this whole

42:54

time. So. I'm

43:15

wondering if I could just bring

43:17

the phone up real quick. Yep.

43:19

Yep. Hey guys, how you doing?

43:22

Hold on a second. I'm gonna

43:24

put you on speaker. No, I

43:26

don't know how to put you

43:29

on speaker. Can you help? Oh

43:31

yeah, you have to unmute yourselves.

43:33

Can you unmute yourself real quick?

43:35

And we bring the music down,

43:38

the house music down? How was,

43:40

what did you think? That was

43:42

something. Eliza, thank you, did a

43:44

great job, sweetheart, really great. Keenan's

43:47

breaking my heart. He's on doom.

43:49

Toronto, I'm a Nova Scotia and

43:51

to see a sweet little face.

43:54

We both broke into tears and

43:56

thank you for someone who I

43:58

was like, this is not happening,

44:00

really quite something. And Alex and

44:03

all your team, I appreciate it.

44:05

It was a bit much pulling

44:07

this off in a week, going

44:09

into blizzard and finding all this

44:12

memories 40 years ago of stuff

44:14

I never thought what happened. And

44:16

the fact that there's people that

44:19

are hearing this song. I mean

44:21

I got five more, they're even

44:23

better by the way. Very much

44:25

like her to say something like

44:28

that. There's more. And they're great.

44:30

and a rich coin who helped

44:32

me out this strange man I

44:34

just ran up and said hi

44:37

and a blizzard here's a tape

44:39

good luck Chuck bye and ran

44:41

off he happened to live five

44:44

minutes away from her too he

44:46

lived five minutes away and he

44:48

wasn't home it's like keen and

44:50

this is enough and there's a

44:53

snowstorm and all of that just

44:55

wand really Alex you convinced me

44:57

I was like this is not

44:59

happening like it's a lot and

45:02

I am blessed and the love

45:04

of my son who remembered and

45:06

kept the memory of my music

45:09

and remembered because I forgot. It

45:11

was in a box in the

45:13

basement that I spent four hours

45:15

looking for. And it's been quite

45:18

an experience. You know, the poor

45:20

23-year-old that wrote it so many

45:22

years ago. So what has inspired

45:24

me is, I'm going to go

45:27

buy myself a keyboard and get

45:29

back to my music because I'd

45:31

love to play the piano. It

45:34

means that you're still on there.

45:36

All right guys, well I'm gonna

45:38

hand you back to Sari because

45:40

I'm running out of time. No,

45:43

you're great. Thank you both so

45:45

much for sharing this part. I'm

45:47

going to start growing again. Thank

45:49

you both so much. I really

45:52

appreciate it. Thank you so much

45:54

for coming. Stay

46:02

tuned to the end of the

46:04

credits to hear Megan Bannin's original

46:07

recording of rooms from the early

46:09

1980s. It's really beautiful. You gotta

46:11

check it out. This episode of

46:14

HyperFix was produced by Emma Cortland,

46:16

Amore Yates, Ceres offers mechanic, and

46:18

Tony Williams. It was edited by

46:21

Emma Cortland, and Tony Williams. It

46:23

was edited by Emma Cortland, with

46:26

some help from the rest of

46:28

us. It was engineered by Tony

46:30

Williams. The music is by me,

46:33

with the exception of rooms, by

46:35

Megan Banning, which was performed by

46:37

Eliza McLam. You can find Eliza's

46:40

music wherever you listen to music.

46:42

Her debut album going through it

46:45

came out last year, and it's

46:47

amazing, she's the best. Seriously, go

46:49

listen to it. Special thanks to

46:52

the team at On Airfest for

46:54

helping us perform this show to

46:56

a live audience. Mindana Mofidi, Scott

46:59

Newman, Ephraim, Ephraim Jenkins, Tom Tierraim,

47:01

Tom Tiern, Tom Tierne, Paul Kucheri.

47:04

who digitized Megan's tapes just under

47:06

the wire for us. If you

47:08

want to see pictures of Young

47:11

Megan with celebs and other visual

47:13

components for the episode, we're going

47:16

to make those available to premium

47:18

members on the Hyper Fixed website.

47:20

You can become a premium member

47:23

to see that, as well as

47:25

get bonus episodes, join our discord,

47:27

and much, much more at Hyper

47:30

Fixed pod.com/join. Hyperfixed is a proud

47:32

member of Radiotopia from PRX, a

47:35

network of independent, creator, creator-supported podcasts,

47:37

at Radiotopia.fam. Thanks so much

47:41

for

47:43

listening.

47:45

Stay

47:48

tuned

47:50

for

47:52

rooms.

47:57

afternoon Empty

48:01

faces go in

48:04

nowhere places. Idol

48:06

chatter as we

48:09

gather at, no

48:12

name bars, no

48:15

introductions needed, because

48:17

I've been here

48:20

before, nowhere once

48:23

forgotten, nowhere once

48:25

forgotten, nowhere once

48:28

forgotten. Well

48:31

I'm ambling on

48:33

and it's all

48:36

gone wrong because

48:38

I'm missing you.

48:40

Oh, I'm missing

48:42

you. I can't

48:44

complain it's been

48:47

a gambling game.

48:49

I'm just a

48:51

few cards short.

48:53

So wrap myself

48:55

up in your

48:58

memory. Just

49:02

to get

49:04

me through

49:07

the rough

49:09

spots I'll

49:11

lift my

49:13

glass to

49:15

survival Meanwhile,

49:18

I'll be

49:20

missing you

49:57

Empty faces. I know

49:59

where places, chatter

50:02

as we

50:04

gather at

50:06

as we gather at,

50:08

introductions needed cause

50:11

I've been

50:13

here before needed,

50:19

because I've

50:22

been here

50:24

before. you