0:00

Michael. Peter. What

0:02

do you know about

0:04

act like a lady?

0:06

Think like a man.

0:09

This is the

0:11

first time we've

0:13

ever covered a

0:16

book that perfectly

0:18

describes the co-host

0:20

of this podcast.

0:23

Steve Harvey is like a

0:25

comedian turned radio show personality.

0:27

The origins of the book

0:29

are that he was hosting

0:31

a radio show and women

0:33

would frequently call in asking

0:35

for advice about men and

0:38

eventually he thought he would

0:40

compile his philosophy into a

0:42

book. So this book is

0:44

specifically targeting women. It's basically...

0:46

a way for women to

0:48

understand men. Okay. Hence the

0:50

title of the book, act

0:52

like a lady, think like a man. How

0:55

did you find out about this book?

0:57

I had never heard about this book

0:59

before you told me you were doing

1:01

an episode on it. What? No. I

1:03

read black authors. That's what's going on.

1:06

Where have you come across this in

1:08

the wild? Steve Harvey is. But like

1:10

the book. It sold many millions of

1:12

copies and... And then there was the

1:15

fucking movie. I spent a month reading

1:17

like N-B-E-R papers about like men's falling

1:19

wages and you're just like the dumbest

1:21

dating advice book imaginable. This could be

1:24

your life as well Michael if you

1:26

didn't take yourself so fucking seriously. I

1:28

was joking that I needed to do like

1:30

a dumb dating advice book when we were

1:32

recording that episode and now you're taking this

1:34

for me. I did try to make this

1:36

more serious and I talked to you about

1:39

this. I was like I'm gonna do like

1:41

a... evolutionary psychology offshoot and then

1:43

like I was several hours deep

1:45

into the research and I was

1:47

like what am I doing? Steve

1:49

Harvey doesn't even believe in evolution

1:51

and I'm doing evolutionary psychology research?

1:54

What's happening to me? This is

1:56

what I should have done on page like 87

1:58

of my notes four of Boys and I

2:00

should have just, we should have just

2:02

dunked on the stupid parts. The big

2:05

theme of this book, broadly speaking,

2:07

is that men have certain traits

2:09

and women should learn to adapt

2:11

to those traits. Gender

2:14

essentialism in my dating advice?

2:16

And a couple of caveats right

2:18

up top. When Steve says men,

2:20

he means straight men. If he

2:22

wants to talk about gay men,

2:24

he will do so explicitly and

2:27

it will be homophobicophobic. He knows,

2:29

you can't be like, ugh, gross,

2:31

but you can also tell he

2:33

doesn't quite like it. Another thing

2:35

is that a lot of Steve's

2:38

audience is black women, and so

2:40

some of the advice is about

2:42

dynamics faced by black women specifically.

2:44

Which you'll be describing in detail. Which you

2:46

want to just go into. I know that

2:48

you told me you don't want to talk

2:51

about race shit. That's what you told me.

2:53

I'm cutting every single time you do this.

2:55

It's like a running joke for you. Last

2:57

episode I had to cut out a thing

2:59

where you were saying, Mike, you're always complaining

3:01

about nurses making too much money. I was like,

3:03

it's not worth it. Oh my God, I forgot that

3:05

you cut that great joke. God damn it. No. I

3:08

think the best way to start off here to

3:10

start off here will be to start off here

3:12

will be to send you. This is sort of

3:14

Steve's overview of men. He says, there's no truer

3:16

statement. Men are simple. Get this

3:18

into your head first, and everything you

3:21

learn about us in this book will

3:23

begin to fall into place. Once you

3:25

get that down, you'll have to understand

3:27

a few essential truths. Men are driven

3:29

by who they are, what they do, and

3:32

how much they make. And until he's achieved

3:34

his goal in those three areas, the man

3:36

you're dating, committed to, or married to, will

3:38

be too busy to focus on you. Right

3:41

off the bat, he's saying that for

3:43

men, women are like an ancillary priority,

3:45

right? Lower your expectations, ladies. You

3:47

are the least important thing

3:49

in his life. Finding a partner is

3:51

not one of these priorities for men.

3:53

Not one of our top three priorities.

3:56

So to accept the premise of this

3:58

book, you need to accept. That this

4:00

is what drives men who they are

4:02

yeah, what they do and how much

4:05

they make I just realized I'm gonna

4:07

be so insufferable throughout this whole episode

4:09

because I just read all this boys

4:11

and men shit for the Reeves episode

4:13

The thing that he's doing here is

4:15

he's enforcing an idea of masculinity right

4:18

that like what men really want is

4:20

to like climb to the top of

4:22

the mountain in their careers and they're

4:24

not interested in women But that's not

4:26

true right in some public surveys men

4:28

are more likely to indicate a desire

4:31

for a romantic relationship than women So

4:33

this is just him making up a

4:35

masculinity norm, basically. It's not just that.

4:37

Later in the book, he says... Expressly,

4:39

if it weren't for women, men wouldn't

4:41

like keep a nice house, wouldn't, you

4:44

know, wouldn't have their lives together or

4:46

whatever. And then it's like, wait, but

4:48

you just said, yeah, they don't care.

4:50

Yeah. He never really squares these circles.

4:52

He's just sort of rambling. Yeah. A

4:54

very important thing to understand is that

4:56

in the universe of this book, the

4:59

man is like a passive creature. Yeah.

5:01

are the ones with agency. Oh, it's

5:03

like Republicans and Democrats. It's a lot

5:05

like that. That's opinion page. So every

5:07

issue that a woman has is sort

5:09

of like necessarily her own problem. Yeah.

5:12

But the men in her life are

5:14

on a preset path and it's on

5:16

her. to adapt to them and move

5:18

around them. Right. Steve says he can't

5:20

sit around talking with you or dream

5:22

about marriage and family if his mind

5:25

is on how to make money, how

5:27

to get a better position, how to

5:29

be the kind of man he needs

5:31

to be for you. So he's sort

5:33

of saying that like men are trying

5:35

to do these things at all times

5:37

and... What women need to do is

5:40

sort of understand that they are secondary

5:42

in that sense. Yeah, his hero's journey

5:44

is amassing wealth and power and your

5:46

hero's journey is accepting that he likes

5:48

those things more than he likes you.

5:50

Right. And he talks very expressly about

5:53

that. He'll say like women want to

5:55

change a man, but you can't, you

5:57

can't change a man. Yeah. He says

5:59

that a man's love comes through... through

6:01

professing, protecting, and providing. When he says

6:03

professing, I assumed he meant like the

6:06

man will profess his love to you,

6:08

but he actually means that when a

6:10

man loves you, he will profess it

6:12

to other people. Oh, what? Dude, when

6:14

we were reading that whole chapter in

6:16

which you read this book about like,

6:19

people overused toxic masculine stuff, I sort

6:21

of like made a promise to myself

6:23

that I wasn't gonna like make. jokes

6:25

about straight people anymore and dudes. But

6:27

like, this episode feels like a test.

6:29

I just want to say, are the

6:31

straits okay over and forget? This is

6:34

so bizarre. All right, I just sent

6:36

you his bit on professing. A man

6:38

who professes you as his own is

6:40

also saying in not so many words

6:42

that he's claiming you, that you are

6:44

his. Now he's put everyone on notice.

6:47

Any man who hears another man say,

6:49

this is my lady. knows that whatever

6:51

games, tricks, plans, schemes he may have

6:53

had in mind for the pretty, sexy

6:55

lady standing in front of him, need

6:57

to be shelved until the next single

7:00

woman comes in the room. Because another

7:02

man has professed out loud that this

7:04

one is mine and she's not available

7:06

for anything you were plotting and planning.

7:08

I don't get it. What is he

7:10

saying? No, you don't get this because...

7:12

gay people don't have monogamous relationships but

7:15

let me explain this he's saying that

7:17

professing your love is actually just like

7:19

claiming ownership to other people sort of

7:21

right so like this is my lady

7:23

so you can't hit honor okay the

7:25

other side of that is like he

7:28

says when a guy introduces you to

7:30

people as his friend or something similar

7:32

it means that he thinks it's less

7:34

serious which i actually think maybe gets

7:36

points for being probably generally true but

7:38

You know, the whole premise here is

7:41

that when a guy sort of claims

7:43

you publicly, announces that you're his lady

7:45

publicly, that that is sort of how

7:47

he professes his love. But then not

7:49

to you personally. Emotionally connecting with a

7:51

woman personally is completely unrelated to how

7:53

a man expresses his love. Fellas, is

7:56

it gay to tell a girl that

7:58

you like her? Yes, it is. fucking

8:00

stupid I whatever okay the thing about

8:02

this book is that we actually have

8:04

to keep going because we're on like

8:06

page 25 how long is it how

8:09

long did it take you get through

8:11

it it's like 200 and change pages

8:13

it okay it's a it's a quick

8:15

read especially there are some chapters that

8:17

you can eyeball and be like I

8:19

don't need to be paying attention yeah

8:22

this chapter it's again professing providing providing

8:24

and protecting he says about providing Simply

8:26

put a man who loves you will

8:28

bring that money home to make sure

8:30

that you and the kids have what

8:32

you all need Oh know this it

8:35

is your right to expect that a

8:37

man will pay for your dinner your

8:39

movie ticket your club entry fee or

8:41

whatever else he has to pay for

8:43

in exchange for your time love is

8:45

transactional This is sort of so far.

8:47

I actually think we're in sort of

8:50

like pretty generic misogynistic dynamics territory where

8:52

you have like public demonstrations of ownership

8:54

over a woman in some way, and

8:56

then you have like, pay for stuff,

8:58

sure, right? This is just, this is just

9:00

sexism 101, right? To his credit, this does

9:03

recreate the feeling of listening to an asinine,

9:05

like, morning zoo, talk radio show, which it

9:07

seems like is what this came out of.

9:09

So kudos to him for having a clear,

9:11

authorial voice. Now we get to protect. And

9:14

this is one of my favorite passages from

9:16

the book. I'm going to send you something.

9:18

When a man truly loves you, anybody who

9:20

says, does, suggests, or even thinks about doing

9:22

something offensive to you, stands the risk of

9:25

being obliterated. Your man will destroy anything and

9:27

everything in his path to make sure that

9:29

whoever disrespected you pays for it. This is

9:31

his nature. I like it when straight people

9:34

reflect my most heterophobic beliefs back to me.

9:36

All straight men are basically cave men. Yes,

9:38

Steve, tell me more. I'm sending you another

9:40

bit. I'd argue that this is most certainly

9:42

one of the key things any woman wants

9:45

in her man. Because it is what girls

9:47

have been raised to expect, that they can

9:49

count on the most important men in their

9:51

lives to go to battle for them and

9:53

keep them safe from all harm no matter

9:56

the cost. I think you all know this

9:58

so well. that you take great care in

10:00

letting a man who loves you know that

10:02

someone's been a threat or danger to you

10:04

because you know that your man, whether he

10:07

be father, brother, uncle, husband, or lover, is

10:09

going to do everything in his power and

10:11

then some to defend your honor. Maybe even

10:13

hurt somebody despite the consequences.

10:15

For instance, you probably don't really want

10:18

to hype what's been going on down at your

10:20

job because he might head down to the job

10:22

and have a few words with your boss if

10:24

necessary. And we all know that would not be

10:26

a good situation. Yeah, it really feels

10:29

like he's just sitting down and typing.

10:31

And then like not reading it. Dude, I

10:33

love this passage so much because he starts

10:35

off by saying what women want in a

10:37

man is for them to protect her. And

10:39

then he immediately says that women

10:41

can't even talk about their boss

10:43

because it might drive their man

10:46

to physical violence. A real man

10:48

literally cannot handle hearing about your

10:50

day. Yeah. Because he will become

10:52

murderous. He will actually go to

10:54

prison if he finds out that

10:56

your boss was rude to you. I

10:58

also love that he's like, he's like,

11:01

he's like, men just care so much

11:03

about women and that's why

11:05

women are deceptive. That's why

11:07

women don't talk about things.

11:09

Because they know their man

11:11

cares about them too much.

11:13

But are actually just like

11:16

lashing out. out of like

11:18

possessiveness and insecurity, right? Like,

11:20

I'm protecting my family, like,

11:22

no, you're having a mental

11:24

breakdown and putting everyone in

11:26

danger. I was just seeing

11:28

some discussion of this online

11:31

because of, like, the Trump

11:33

Vance Zalinsky stuff, where what

11:35

our society seems to believe

11:37

is masculinity, is actually just

11:39

acting like an angry baby

11:41

in a lot of ways,

11:43

right? being in control of your

11:45

emotions but lacking control over your emotions

11:47

and lashing out in a way that

11:50

makes other people uncomfortable because your ability

11:52

to make other people uncomfortable is like

11:54

that's where the masculinity comes from. As

11:56

if it's being a good boyfriend when

11:59

your girlfriend... and he's like, I had

12:01

a tough day at work, and you're like,

12:03

give me the fucking address, I'm gonna go

12:05

beat up your boss. Like, that's psychotic. That's

12:08

how man expressed their love. Like, oh, my

12:10

boss is a dick, and you're like, what

12:12

the fuck did he say? What the fuck

12:14

did he say? I'm going down there. All

12:16

right, so he gives an example of his

12:19

protective instinct and how it's manifested in the

12:21

real world. He says, my wife, my wife,

12:23

Marjorie. still cracks up when she thinks about

12:25

how I protected her on a recent joint

12:28

fishing and diving trip we took in Maui.

12:30

See, my wife is a certified scuba diver.

12:32

I am not. When we got out on

12:34

those choppy waters of the Pacific Ocean, I

12:37

couldn't help but feel like something was going

12:39

to happen to my wife down there, and

12:41

I wouldn't have any way of protecting her.

12:43

Oh, is he going to beat up a

12:46

fish? Men will fight sea turtles before going

12:48

to therapy? I can't tell these jokes anymore.

12:50

By the time she was actually under the

12:52

water, I'd told my security guy who can't

12:54

scuba dive to put on his snorkel and

12:57

get in and keep an eye on her.

12:59

I'd also told everyone on board from my

13:01

manager to the captain that if my wife

13:03

is not back up here in 35 minutes,

13:06

everyone's putting on some suits and we're going

13:08

to go get her. The guy leading the

13:10

expedition said as nicely as he could, sir,

13:12

everyone can't go down to save one person.

13:15

But his words meant nothing to me. I'm

13:17

telling you, I said, getting a little more

13:19

jumpy with each word, either everybody goes down

13:21

there to save her or I'm killing everybody

13:23

on the boat. This boat goes nowhere without

13:26

her and if it pulls off and she's

13:28

not on it, that's it for everybody. My

13:30

wife must have sensed something was up because

13:32

suddenly she was back above water. She knew

13:35

that I was acting up. And rather than

13:37

dive, she returned to the boat because she

13:39

knew how nervous I was about the whole

13:41

idea of her submerged under water where I

13:44

couldn't act on my natural instincts to protect

13:46

her. She figured it was better to sit

13:48

that dive out. She understands that primal need

13:50

I have to make sure nothing bad happens

13:53

to her. Marjorie is a pretty adventurous girl,

13:55

but she's cut out a lot of that

13:57

stuff. The diving and parasailing and such for

13:59

that very reason. Oh my god, I ruined

14:01

my wife's hobby! This is what protecting your

14:04

wife is all about, baby. This is what...

14:06

masculinity is becoming completely overwhelmed by irrational fears

14:08

threatening strangers with violence and forcing your wife

14:10

to stop doing the things that she loves.

14:13

He's like worried about his wife but he

14:15

doesn't know how to express that other than

14:17

violence. Right. He's like I'll fucking murder you

14:19

if you don't go down in this hypothetical

14:22

situation where she's in trouble and not everybody

14:24

goes and rescues her. Right. A situation where

14:26

he feels anxious because he lacks control. Yeah.

14:28

He is like I'll kill everyone on the

14:30

boat. And he's like, I'll put that in

14:33

my book. This is a good example of

14:35

how I love my wife. A good amount

14:37

of the book is like this, where the

14:39

basic premise is like, men are sensitive, insane

14:42

little babies, and as a woman, your responsibility

14:44

is to cater to that. Because them fixing

14:46

themselves is completely out of the question. The

14:48

idea that like you having a meltdown because

14:51

your wife is scuba diving actually might be

14:53

your problem rather than hers is like not

14:55

even given a brief moment of thought. You're

14:57

actually being brave and cool. Yeah. And also

15:00

using your tyrannical power as like a rich

15:02

guy with staff. Right. To be like you

15:04

need to go down there and save her.

15:06

Because like I can't even scuba dive and

15:08

he's like get in there. I love I

15:11

love the world where she doesn't come up.

15:13

Steve kills everyone on the boat. And then

15:15

like she she surfaces perfectly fine an hour

15:17

later and he's like I killed everyone. I

15:20

killed everyone, Marjorie. Now we're actually stranded at

15:22

sea. Do you guys know what a good

15:24

husband I am? My wife doesn't do shit.

15:26

She used to be in a book club.

15:29

She used to go jogging. She used to

15:31

do any of that stuff anymore. Because I

15:33

love her so much. It's very funny, by

15:35

the way, that like there's a really common

15:37

sexist sort of like talking point that's like

15:40

women don't have real hobbies, right? They just

15:42

like socialize and stuff. I have never heard

15:44

this. Are you getting this from your Tik

15:46

Tak algorithm? Maybe you're not talking to enough

15:49

straight men. But I actually about with this

15:51

story in particular, I wonder whether some part

15:53

of his subconscious is by this situation. And

15:55

so we had to like create a framework

15:58

where it's like this is actually a virtue.

16:00

of mine. I'm not saying I'm a protector.

16:02

Damn, your wife still has hobbies and

16:04

yet you call yourself a man. This

16:06

is how these guys who otherwise

16:09

in many cases actually defy

16:11

our stereotypical understandings of masculinity

16:13

like Trump get cast as

16:15

like tough, right? Because if

16:17

you're a guy just being

16:19

belligerents can be framed as

16:21

a virtue, right? All right, the

16:23

next chapter is called the three things

16:26

every man needs. The three things are

16:28

your support? Your Loyalty and The

16:30

Cookie, which is unfortunately what Steve

16:32

Harvey calls sex, throughout this book.

16:35

This chapter isn't very interesting, but

16:37

it does contain one of the

16:39

more offensive passages in the book,

16:41

which I'm going to read to

16:43

you because I thought it would

16:46

be a little rude to make

16:48

you say. He says... I've said

16:50

over and over again jokingly

16:52

that the only way a

16:54

woman can truly be completely

16:56

satisfied is to get herself

16:58

four different men. An old

17:00

one, an ugly one, a

17:02

mandingo, and a gay guy. Please

17:05

don't elaborate, Peter. Please don't worry

17:07

more about this fucking thing. All

17:09

right, next chapter. The idea is

17:11

that the old man will sit

17:13

around the house with her and

17:15

spend his money on her. The ugly

17:17

one will go above and beyond

17:20

to help out because he's just

17:22

grateful to be with you. The

17:24

Mandingo, of course, is an antiquated

17:27

racialized term for a himbo. He's

17:29

for sex and aesthetics. And then the

17:31

gay guy is for shopping and gossip.

17:33

Oh my God. This

17:37

is just people having different aspects of

17:39

their personality. This is like people on

17:42

their dating profiles who will be like

17:44

what I'm looking for someone who can

17:46

be funny one minute and serious the

17:48

next. It's like that's just people. Yeah, that's

17:50

why everyone, that's why every girl's dating profile

17:53

is like I just want a guy who

17:55

will be old one minute and ugly the

17:57

next and then gay. The stuff in this

17:59

chapter. about like support and loyalty from

18:01

women is relatively in offensive by state

18:04

Harvey standards. I thought that was gonna

18:06

be a bunch of jealousy stuff like

18:08

you can't trust her. I mean he

18:10

basically is just like loyalty is when

18:12

you don't cheat. It's like right. Well

18:15

yeah, yeah that's sure. The sex portion

18:17

is weird mostly because Steve can't bring

18:19

himself to be like men like sex

18:21

so he ends up saying this. He

18:24

says, I'll read it. He says, we

18:26

need to be physically engaged with the

18:28

woman we love, the woman who is

18:30

loyal to us and supports us, and

18:32

the way we do that is by

18:35

making love. The emotional stuff, the talking,

18:37

the cuddling, the holding, the holding, the

18:39

holding hands, and bonding, that's yawl's thing.

18:41

We'll do those things because we know

18:43

it's important to you, but please understand.

18:46

Like men want intimacy. like express through

18:48

sex and also other things like this

18:50

is just fake this is like a

18:52

fake standard for men to live up

18:54

to no no you're wrong you don't

18:57

why are men constantly being fucking lied

18:59

to by other men dude one of

19:01

the most common themes throughout this book

19:03

and we're gonna like circle back to

19:06

it repeatedly is that he thinks talking

19:08

is for women and that men do

19:10

not like to talk and further that

19:12

men should not be expected to talk

19:14

to their significant other very much there's

19:17

a whole chapter Oh, is he talking

19:19

about that exact phrase? Because then, like,

19:21

fair enough. But then he actually just

19:23

complains about talking to women the entire

19:25

chapter. What the fuck? This is again,

19:28

every single one of these advice books

19:30

is like an accidental biography, right? Is

19:32

he just describing his own relationship? Or

19:34

like, he doesn't really like hanging out

19:36

with his wife and chatting. That's the

19:39

whole point of our relationship, Shirley. I

19:41

would say that half of this book

19:43

is like, A response to my wives.

19:45

Why do men have to constantly be

19:48

reminded that you should date people you

19:50

like? I honestly think this is true.

19:52

I don't think Steve Harvey likes anyone.

19:54

I think it was, I can't remember

19:56

who said this, but one of the

19:59

things I read about this book was

20:01

that the only like redeeming thing about

20:03

Steve Harvey's misogyny is that he actually

20:05

seems to hate men just as much

20:07

if you look closely. Let me send

20:10

you this bit. No man wants to

20:12

sit around gabbing with you like we're

20:14

one of your girlfriends. Ever. It's just

20:16

not in our DNA to lounge around,

20:18

sip coffee, and dab at our eyes

20:21

with tissue as if we're in an

20:23

AA meeting or on some psychologist couch

20:25

trying to get things off our chest.

20:27

When men are talking, and especially when

20:30

they're listening, it's with purpose. Yes, we

20:32

hate you. It's crazy what people will

20:34

do to rationalize their flaws away. Like,

20:36

all right, dude, you're emotionally unavailable and

20:38

do not enjoy the company of your

20:41

partner. You don't have to do a

20:43

whole thing where it's like, when I

20:45

speak, it's with purpose. If you hate

20:47

talking to this person, just like, get

20:49

a flesh like. You don't have to

20:52

embarrass yourself like this, man. Go, go

20:54

listen to the conversations happening between men

20:56

playing video games. And tell me that

20:58

they're all speaking with purpose. Dude. What

21:00

are you talking about? What are you

21:03

talking about? You host a fucking talk

21:05

radio show. You're like, oh, don't sit

21:07

around gabbing. Right. You literally talk for

21:09

a living, man. This isn't like when

21:12

I am hosting family feud where I

21:14

speak with purpose. All right, here's more.

21:16

He says, we hate gossiping, but we

21:18

know we can't stop it. It's an

21:20

invasion of privacy, and a man is

21:23

pretty confident that if you and your

21:25

friends are willing to talk about other

21:27

people together, then your friends are probably

21:29

talking about you and him too. Keep

21:31

that in mind next time you start

21:34

getting all into other people's business. This

21:36

seems like an expression of paranoia that

21:38

his wife is talking about him with

21:40

other people which is... Fine. I don't

21:42

really, I don't know that that's his

21:45

concern. I honestly just think he hates

21:47

it when women are talking. You think

21:49

this is more about listening rather than

21:51

having someone talking about him? 100% and

21:54

it's offensive. It's offensive to say that

21:56

men hate gossiping. This is offensive to

21:58

all... the boys who like to talk

22:00

a little shit. Yeah, you are real

22:02

and you are valid and you're still

22:05

a man. That's what I say. And

22:07

also don't go scuba diving or parasailing

22:09

because it stresses me out, but also

22:11

don't sit next to me. I don't

22:13

want you doing something adventurous, but I

22:16

also don't want you talking to me.

22:18

And if you ask me to go

22:20

shopping, I'm not fucking gay. So think

22:22

again, buddy. All right. I'm sending you.

22:24

I'm sending you an example of Steve

22:27

almost getting woke, and this happens more

22:29

than once. Communicating, nurturing, listening to problems,

22:31

and trying to understand them without any

22:33

obligation to fix them, is simply not

22:35

what boys are raised to do. That's

22:38

true, but bad. We don't let them

22:40

cry. We don't ask them how they

22:42

feel about anything, and we don't encourage

22:44

them to express themselves in any meaningful

22:47

way beyond showing how manly they are.

22:49

Let a little boy fall off his

22:51

bike and scrape his bike. Be a

22:53

man, we demand. There's no discussion about

22:55

how he felt when he hit the

22:58

ground. Nobody's asking him to talk about

23:00

whether he's too scared to get back

23:02

on the bike and try again. Now

23:04

that he's grown and in a relationship,

23:06

you expect that same boy who was

23:09

told to keep quiet and keep it

23:11

moving to be a man who can

23:13

sit and listen and communicate and nurture.

23:15

I'm telling you now, your expectations are

23:17

off. Yeah, this is, this could be

23:20

a critical studies journal. He's like, yeah,

23:22

we know, we're socialized in this real,

23:24

in this way that closes off our

23:26

emotions. And rather than being like, you

23:29

know, it's something we have to work

23:31

on, it's something you need to understand,

23:33

he's like, so don't fucking try to

23:35

communicate with us. Yeah, exactly. So don't

23:37

talk. Like, trying to address the underlying

23:40

problem isn't, isn't part of what he's

23:42

discussing here. I'm also, I'm so, I'm

23:44

so fascinated by this thing, where kind

23:46

of like right coded, conservative coded people,

23:48

will freely admit that like liberals, SJW's

23:51

feminists are correct, but then fail to

23:53

reach the conclusion. So like when I

23:55

was reading out of men's rights, activism,

23:57

garbage for the boys and men episode,

23:59

in those tracks, they will say like

24:02

male suicide rates are higher because masculinityulinity

24:04

norms mean. we cannot ask for help,

24:06

dot, dot, dot. And that's why feminism

24:08

is a cancer. And you're like, wait,

24:11

you're, this is what feminism has been

24:13

saying. And you're just saying they're correct.

24:15

Because they believe that that is natural

24:17

and the output of natural hierarchies, et

24:19

cetera, and things that are ultimately good.

24:22

So like the facts that. Men are

24:24

tough like this in Steve Harvey's mind

24:26

is actually probably a good thing at

24:28

the end of the day And so

24:30

the problem isn't necessarily that men are

24:33

socialized not to communicate The problem is

24:35

that women expect men to communicate right

24:37

right? He gets so close But also

24:39

he's encouraging this he's reinforcing this right

24:41

while he's also acknowledging that it's garbage

24:44

There's another point where he's talking about

24:46

needing support by which he means like

24:48

verbal encouragement from your partner. Oh yeah.

24:50

That's so stupid that he doesn't even

24:53

know that we each have different love

24:55

languages. Not everyone needs affirmation. He's talking

24:57

about why men need this and he

24:59

says he might have a job where

25:01

three people can walk by his desk

25:04

and give him a pink slip at

25:06

any moment. Change his life in the

25:08

flash of an eye. The guy in

25:10

the position beneath your man. may just

25:12

be searching for a way to undermine

25:15

him so he can get the bigger

25:17

pay. Your man can be driving down

25:19

the street mining his own business and

25:21

get pulled over and something could happen

25:23

that he has no control over or

25:26

someone may try to come and take

25:28

what he's got. Yeah, again, men don't

25:30

have a lot of control in their

25:32

lives and oftentimes they lash out. Right,

25:35

he's talking about all of these structural

25:37

pressures and like how they create this

25:39

need to assert control where you can,

25:41

yeah. Right, and to be validated to

25:43

be validated for what they have. So

25:46

true. It's like he gets it, but

25:48

he just won't conclude anything from it.

25:50

The only lesson he takes from it

25:52

is that because of all these institutional

25:54

pressures, women have to be really nice

25:57

to us. That's what he takes away

25:59

from it. It's an appeal to sympathy

26:01

for his own bad behavior. It's not...

26:03

a call to like change any of

26:05

these things. Okay, so the next chapter

26:08

is called sports fish versus keepers. This

26:10

is a fishing analogy where women are

26:12

the fish. Okay. And the basic premise

26:14

that depending on how a woman acts,

26:17

a man will either treat her like

26:19

a sport fish, meaning one you throw

26:21

back, or a keeper, which is one

26:23

you keep. And also you kill and

26:25

eat, which I think is where the

26:28

metaphor falls apart a little bit. So

26:30

here's what he says about the sport

26:32

fish, which again is a human being

26:34

that he's... I like how he makes

26:36

it seem like he's a fisherman. This

26:39

is a man who had a fucking

26:41

meltdown on a boat when his wife

26:43

went underwater. So he says, the sport

26:45

fish doesn't have any rules, requirements, respect

26:47

for herself or guidelines, and we men

26:50

can pick up her scent a mile

26:52

away. She's the party girl who takes

26:54

a sip of her long island iced

26:56

tea or a shot of her patron,

26:59

then announces to her suitor that she

27:01

just wants to date and see how

27:03

it goes. She has no plans for

27:05

any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything

27:07

in particular from a man, and sets

27:10

absolutely not narrow one condition or restriction

27:12

on anyone standing before her. She makes

27:14

it very clear that she's just along

27:16

for whatever is getting ready to happen.

27:18

For whatever is getting ready to happen.

27:21

What on earth? It feels like he

27:23

dictated this into like voice memos or

27:25

something. These are not like real sentences.

27:27

There's a little bit of AAVE, which

27:29

I'm enjoying watching you work through. For

27:32

sure, as soon as she lets a

27:34

man know through words and action that

27:36

he can treat her just any old

27:38

kind of way, he will do just

27:41

that. Okay, now the keeper never gives

27:43

in easily. And the standards slash requirements

27:45

start the moment you open your mouth.

27:47

See, she understands her power and wields

27:49

it like a samurai sword. She commands,

27:52

not demands, respect, just by the way

27:54

she carries herself. You can walk up

27:56

to her and give her your best

27:58

game, and while she may be impressed

28:00

by what you say, that's no guarantee

28:03

that she's going to let the conversation

28:05

go any further. much less give you

28:07

her phone number and agree to give

28:09

you some of her valuable time. Men

28:11

automatically know from the moment she opens

28:14

her mouth that if they want her,

28:16

they'll have to get in line with

28:18

her standards and requirements, or keep it

28:20

moving because she's done with the games

28:23

and isn't interested in playing. Yeah. This

28:25

is just like someone who rejects your

28:27

advances versus someone who accepts them. most

28:29

consistent piece of good advice, which is

28:31

only good in the general sense, that

28:34

like you should be establishing requirements for

28:36

your partner, communicating them clearly, and enforcing

28:38

those boundaries, right? The problem is that

28:40

the requirements that Steve thinks you should

28:42

have are pretty antiquated stuff. Yeah. The

28:45

basic dichotomy here is like, so are

28:47

ladies, are you going to be a

28:49

keeper or a whore? This

28:51

is also this fucked up thing. It's

28:53

like, men want sex. Obviously, that's like

28:55

part of his whole point. But then

28:58

also, if a woman wants sex, this

29:00

feels like it's just like a woman

29:02

who will sleep with you on the

29:04

first date. But like, bro, you're enforcing

29:06

a norm where you're going to get

29:08

laid less. You should be wanting women

29:10

to have sex with dudes. You'll get

29:12

more sex. It's like, why are you

29:15

doing this? Chick as like a guy

29:17

who likes women is just so much

29:19

more appealing to me. Like which one

29:21

of the women do I want? I'll

29:23

take the one who sounds cool. I'll

29:25

take the one. I'll take the one

29:27

who sounds fun as hell, dude. Yeah,

29:29

do you want to have sex with

29:32

people who are bad at sex? I

29:34

don't understand why straight men are constantly

29:36

doing this bizarre body count shit when

29:38

it's like, yeah, people who are good

29:40

at sex and probably had sex before

29:42

and then you have good sex with

29:44

them. This is offensive to people. Who

29:46

loves sluts? I'm a big fan. I'm

29:49

a big fan of sluts. Men and

29:51

women. Go for the horny sluts. Find

29:53

them. Just sniff patron like sniff and

29:55

scurry running through the nose. Just smell

29:57

for patron on the breath of a

29:59

woman. Keep a condom around your neck

30:01

like the like the way they do

30:03

the shoes. That joke is not, that

30:06

joke can't make the final cup, but

30:08

I do believe it's funny. That was

30:10

for us. That was for us. So

30:12

again, Steve is advocating for women to

30:14

set standards for the men that they

30:16

date. Yes. Communicate those standards, abide by

30:18

those standards. All good in theory. One

30:20

standard he advocates for the most. which

30:23

he dedicates a whole chapter to, is

30:25

called the 90-day rule. Oh, is this

30:27

a sex thing? Wait, 90 days before

30:29

having sex. Bro, why? Why are men

30:31

doing this to themselves? He's not doing

30:33

this. It's important to understand that he's

30:35

talking about other women with other men.

30:37

You know, in his mind, this is

30:40

about women debasing themselves with other men.

30:42

If you started dating Steve Harvey, I

30:44

guarantee you he's going to want to

30:46

have sex before 90 days. Uh-oh. Let's

30:48

send you something. He says, think about

30:50

it. The first guy you slept with,

30:52

quicker than 90 days, where is he?

30:54

I'm willing to bet, you're probably not

30:57

with him. True, there are some people

30:59

out there somewhere who had sex early

31:01

in their relationship and are still together

31:03

to this very day, but that's rare.

31:05

Gay people exist Steve. We have sex

31:07

first, and then we're like, hi, I'm

31:09

Mike. 90% of gay couples met at

31:11

a gangbang steve. I don't even understand

31:14

this, gotcha. Like, bet you're not with

31:16

the first guy you slept with in

31:18

less than 90 days. Like, right, what

31:20

are you talking about? You know, like,

31:22

by the way, the first person I

31:24

waited for more than 90 days with

31:26

was, like, my second girlfriend or something,

31:28

like, I'm not with her either. I

31:31

don't know what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He

31:33

compares this to one of his first

31:35

jobs working for Ford Motor Company. He

31:37

says that benefits kicked in at the

31:39

benefits kicked in at the 90 day

31:41

mark at the 90 day mark. That's

31:43

not the same thing at all. He

31:45

says, so if Ford won't give a

31:48

man benefits until he's been on the

31:50

job and proven himself, why ladies are

31:52

you passing out benefits to men before

31:54

they've proven themselves worthy? I mean, you

31:56

have to work 10 years to get

31:58

Social Security. So why not just make

32:00

it 10 years? If we're doing dumb metaphors. Your Social

32:02

Security benefits don't vest until the age of 67 folks.

32:05

That is when you should fuck. If your advice is

32:07

sort of like, hey, a lot of guys will pretend

32:09

to be interested in a relationship, but they really just

32:11

want sex, so you can weed them out by waiting a bit.

32:13

Whatever, fine, I guess. Also, you can have sex with those guys,

32:15

and it's fine. That's the thing. It's like, like, like, the thing

32:17

is like, the thing, the thing about that the thing about that

32:19

the thing about that, the thing about that, the thing about that,

32:21

the thing about that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

32:24

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

32:26

like, like, like, truly believes that when a woman

32:28

sleeps with a dude, she's like giving up her

32:30

virtue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've lost something. And so

32:32

if it turns out that it was just

32:34

casual, then she's living in shame. Now she,

32:36

like her whole family has been, has been

32:38

embarrassed by her actions or whatever. He says,

32:41

and you in the meantime... in the 90-day

32:43

period, he means, win the ultimate prize

32:45

of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem and

32:47

earning the respect of the man who

32:49

recognized that you were worth the weight.

32:51

This is like biblical morality. This is from

32:53

like a thousand years ago. Right. She got

32:55

free sex, Steve. She had sex. Sex is

32:58

fun. No, you wouldn't want to sacrifice your

33:00

dignity by having sex at the 70 day

33:02

mark. You fucking slut. Why are people doing

33:04

this to themselves? This is crazy dude.

33:06

No one. Here's the thing is no one

33:08

is doing this. No, it's just that thing.

33:10

It's enforcing a norm to scold people for

33:13

not doing it, but like no one is

33:15

actually gonna do this and he must know

33:17

that. 90 days, dude. 90 days is

33:19

longer than the presidential transition period

33:21

in this country between administrations. You're

33:23

telling me they can set up

33:25

a whole government faster than you

33:27

can figure out whether you want

33:29

to let this dude hit. And

33:31

again, this is just, it's just

33:33

unfair to sluts. I would say it

33:36

should be the 90 minute rule, you

33:38

must have sex within 90

33:40

minutes. You know what you're

33:42

wasting your time? The craziest

33:44

thing about gay guys is

33:46

that you'll have completely sober

33:48

dates and you're like, well,

33:50

let's go fuck. That's the

33:52

wild thing to me. It's

33:54

like, hey, I'm not trying

33:56

to have sex. What? With

33:58

gays, it's crazy. You'll be like,

34:00

you'll be like, hey, do you want

34:02

to go rock climbing? And then he's

34:05

like, oh my God, this guy wants

34:07

to fuck so bad. He just invited

34:09

me rock climbing. This is nuts. All

34:11

you're saying is that we want to

34:13

have sex with someone who's good at

34:15

sex. I don't want to have sex

34:17

with a drunk person. I want to

34:19

have sex with like over caffeinated man

34:21

with ropy forearms. I can't. I'm not

34:23

even going to talk about this. You

34:25

don't know what you're talking about. This

34:27

is crazy. I'm gonna spend $25 before

34:29

having sex. I gotta spend $25 to

34:31

have sex. That's your problem with it.

34:33

Come on. I'm getting a drip coffee

34:35

at two in the afternoon at Starbucks.

34:37

All right. Let's get back into this.

34:39

God, why? We're out of control. All

34:42

right. There's a very weird chapter that's

34:44

entirely about mama's boys. And that's a

34:46

name of the chapter. Mama's a really

34:48

good illustration. plays too large of a

34:50

role in their lives, right? And the

34:52

guy's too much of a pushover to

34:54

establish boundaries with her. Classic archetype of

34:56

a guy. I guess, yeah. Again, date

34:58

people you like, if you don't like

35:00

that, don't date people like that, I

35:02

don't know. He says, to all the

35:04

women in relationships with mama's boys, I

35:06

say, stop coming up with excuses and

35:08

recognize that he's a mama's boy because

35:10

you let him be one. Oh my

35:12

God. Yes, I said it. It's period,

35:14

period, your period, fault period. He says

35:17

that women need to establish standards for

35:19

their man, and quote, if you don't

35:21

on earth. So if he's a mama's

35:23

boy, that's not because of his relationship

35:25

with his own mother or anything, it's

35:27

because you're the new mah, you're supposed

35:29

to be the new mom and you're

35:31

not doing it, right? I'd love it

35:33

if he was like, if only you

35:35

hadn't waited so long to have sex

35:37

with him, he wouldn't have been able

35:39

to form a bond with a different

35:41

woman, his birth mother. Basically, in human

35:43

relationships. is a pure force of nature.

35:45

It cannot be changed. All problems are

35:47

addressed through women's... labor. It's actually kind

35:49

of impressive. Like, the idea that you're

35:52

like, hey, my boyfriend is too much

35:54

of a mama's boy, and Steve Harvey's

35:56

like, that's because you're not mom-like enough.

35:58

You must replace his mother. What are

36:00

you talking about, dude? Like, Peter, do

36:02

you think you've gotten good dating advice

36:04

in your life? I feel like there's

36:06

like so little decent dating advice for

36:08

straight guys. I'm sure that I have.

36:10

I wasn't good at dating until I

36:12

got handsome in my late 20s. You

36:14

are fully an in-cell. You just happen

36:16

to be on the right side of

36:18

that equation. Things got real simple. I

36:20

think the real thing with dating is

36:22

that a lot of people find no

36:24

enjoyment in the process of dating. And

36:27

I always liked dating. I like going

36:29

out, meeting someone, if it doesn't work,

36:31

whatever. I'm a relatively social guy. Because

36:33

I enjoy that. I never felt like

36:35

dating really stressed me out because even

36:37

when it wasn't really going well, I

36:39

was still sort of doing something that

36:41

I enjoyed. It was like a hobby

36:43

almost. Yeah, I'm like that too. It's

36:45

nice to go and just like have

36:47

a coffee with a new person. Like

36:49

it's fun to chat with people. And

36:51

if you like them, you go back

36:53

to your place. Right. And if you

36:55

like them, you go back to your

36:57

place. And if you don't like them,

36:59

you still go back to your place,

37:01

but you do different things to them.

37:04

But you do different things. Those are

37:06

the only two needs as a 43-year-old

37:08

gay man. Now there's also a chapter

37:10

called Why Men Cheat. Of course. I'll

37:12

give you more than that. I'll give

37:14

you a single guess as to which

37:16

gender he blames for men cheating. Maybe

37:18

you're making him way too long. Maybe

37:20

on the 89th day he gives into

37:22

temptation and he has to tell someone

37:24

else. That's actually worth noting. He hints

37:26

that if you don't put out for

37:28

your dude, you'll push him to cheat.

37:30

But then like earlier when he's talking

37:32

about the 90 day rule, he said

37:34

the opposite. He said that not putting

37:36

out would make him respect you more.

37:39

It's like, well, that's the Goldie Luster.

37:41

You can't be too much of a

37:43

slut and you can't be too much

37:45

of a prude. And like you're constant,

37:47

if you're a woman, you're always doing

37:49

it wrong. You're doing the high wire

37:51

between the twin. powers, right? On one

37:53

side is slut and on one side

37:55

is rude. He says that powerful men

37:57

are compelled to cheat. He says you

37:59

can't be a man of power and

38:01

not step outside your house. That's him.

38:03

That's him. That's him talking about like

38:05

I'm a rich, I'm a rich celebrity.

38:07

I don't know one man of power

38:09

who has not stepped outside his house.

38:11

Such a man may exist, but I

38:14

do know men of power who have

38:16

learned to do right, go home and

38:18

take care of their families. Marjorie, the

38:20

scuba diver, is Steve's third wife. Okay.

38:22

And the previous wives accuse him publicly

38:24

of cheating. Oh, really? Okay. Well, yeah.

38:26

And he is admitted to cheating. You

38:28

can see him admitting it to it

38:30

functionally in this paragraph, right? Yeah. This

38:32

is the speech that he gave to

38:34

his wife. Like, I'm a man-powered. Come

38:36

on, give me a fucking break, dude.

38:38

I love how this book pretends to

38:40

be advice on how women can date

38:42

Steve Harvey. Like, I am going to

38:44

cheat on you. I am going to

38:46

say it's your fault. Also, how did

38:49

the other woman impress him without the

38:51

90-day waiting period? Although I actually think

38:53

this is consistent, because earlier he said,

38:55

if you sleep with a man before

38:57

90 days, he's not going to respect

38:59

you. And like, yeah, Steve Harvey does

39:01

not strike me as the kind of

39:03

guy who totally respects the women that

39:05

he's sleeping with. So he is actually

39:07

living proof. Imagine you're just trying to

39:09

fuck a rich celebrity, and he's like,

39:11

God damn it. I just thought the

39:13

anecdote, Steve. I'm really just here for

39:15

the story. I'm just trying to tell

39:17

my friends I fuck the family if

39:19

you die. Can you please? So the

39:21

best part of this section is that

39:24

it's coming after several chapters about how

39:26

you need to set standards and respect

39:28

yourself. You get to the cheating part

39:30

and you imagine that he's going to

39:32

say, if he cheats, leave him. Yeah.

39:34

But he actually preaches forgiveness. Of course.

39:36

Believe it or not. He says, if

39:38

a man who's cheated on you cheated

39:40

on you walking out the door and

39:42

you matter to him, please, please, please

39:44

know. that at this point he's very

39:46

vulnerable and open to learning. Should he

39:48

win you back, he's going to straighten

39:50

up and fly right because he's... almost

39:52

lost his girl and his family, which

39:54

means he'll do most anything you tell

39:56

him to get back into your good

39:58

graces. You're ruining your moment of post-nut

40:01

clarity. Different situations are different, so like

40:03

I'm not judging anyone who chooses forgiveness

40:05

in these circumstances, but I cannot emphasize

40:07

enough. how much of the book has

40:09

been like, respect yourself ladies, you set

40:11

clear boundaries and enforce them, and then

40:13

you get this, and it's just like,

40:15

come on man. Unless he's a powerful

40:17

man and maybe hosts some sort of

40:19

like a game show or something, I

40:21

don't, just to pick a random example,

40:23

in that case, you should forgive him.

40:25

Imagine being in a relationship and. Cheating

40:27

on them and then when they confront

40:29

you, you're like, I'm a man of

40:31

power I can't I can't help it.

40:33

I am on two podcasts Also does

40:36

I I know the answer to this

40:38

but does he address women of power?

40:40

What if what if Marguerite's a CEO?

40:42

Well first of all women of power

40:44

not hot Steve Harvey Oxymoron. Oh, actually

40:46

this is a beautiful segue Mike because

40:48

there's a chapter about Strong and independent

40:50

women and the title of that chapter

40:52

is strong independent and lonely women There

40:54

are subsections titled how to be a

40:56

girl on a date how to be

40:58

a girl at home The broad theme

41:00

is like being an independent woman is

41:02

great, but it won't get you a

41:04

man because men don't like it The

41:06

advice is sort of like what you'd

41:08

expect don't split the bill don't drive

41:11

him to a date Let him do

41:13

any heavy lifting around the house or

41:15

any like laborious chores or whatever never

41:17

never open a jar in front of

41:19

him ladies What's interesting though is that

41:21

he doesn't frame it like that's the

41:23

man's job The way he frames it

41:25

is like men need to feel needed

41:27

right so the premise is that if

41:29

you want the guy to be happy

41:31

you need him to feel like he's

41:33

providing for you, even if you don't

41:35

actually need him to provide me because

41:37

you are an independent woman. So it's

41:39

sort of like how big cats will

41:41

pretend to be startled when their cubs

41:43

pounce at them. The male ego is

41:46

deeply fragile and it's very important to

41:48

nurture it. So you must do that

41:50

by pretending to need him to provide

41:52

for you. This is one of my

41:54

favorite. things about American masculinity where it's

41:56

like men are supposed to be like

41:58

strong and independent and stoic but also

42:00

they will melt down like a fucking

42:02

pansy if you like are better at

42:04

fixing a bicycle right right or if

42:06

you make more money right like they're

42:08

both Charles Bronson and also like Dawson

42:10

from Dawson's Creek. This is one step

42:12

away from being like break the toilet

42:14

every now and then. So he has

42:16

something to do. It's like a like

42:18

a stepford husband situation. Like you're doing

42:20

so good. You're like giving him little

42:23

activities. Yeah. You're like giving him little

42:25

activities. Yeah. It's like giving him little

42:27

activities. Yeah. It's like you you're so

42:29

secure in your manhood that you expect

42:31

your wife to treat. There is though.

42:33

some really unhinged stuff in here that

42:35

I would be remiss not to mention.

42:37

Now again earlier we talked about how

42:39

Steve did not think that men should

42:41

be expected to talk to their significant

42:43

others very much. I hate that. I

42:45

am going to send you the wildest

42:47

iteration of this. The heading of this

42:49

portion is how does he react to

42:51

bad news? What if the bad news

42:53

is we're waiting another 90 days. I

42:55

also want to point out this... Section

42:58

is in the 90-day, like wait 90

43:00

days to fuck, say, chapter. Say you

43:02

lose a loved one, someone really close

43:04

to you. A man who has plans

43:06

for you will immediately offer some form

43:08

of comfort and help so that you

43:10

can take the time to grief. He

43:12

might ask you if he can take

43:14

your kids out for a couple hours

43:16

so you can have some time to

43:18

yourself, or he might ask you if

43:20

he can go with you to the

43:22

funeral home to be with you while

43:24

you see about the arrangements, and so

43:26

that he can express his condolences to

43:28

your condolences to your family. Note, ladies,

43:30

he's probably not going to want to

43:33

sit there and let you retrace your

43:35

childhood and reminisce about the first time

43:37

your deceased loved one push you on

43:39

the swing. That's not about to happen.

43:41

It's not what men do. But a

43:43

real man will respond with some kind

43:45

of solution. He will do what he

43:47

can to help you stop crying because

43:49

no man wants to see his woman

43:51

crying. If this man is not comforting,

43:53

if he's not coming up with better

43:55

solutions to help you feel better, then

43:57

he needs to be fired. to the

43:59

benefits. Oh now he draws a line

44:01

in the sand. Yeah. He is gonna

44:03

be shit at listening to you, but

44:05

if he doesn't help with the logistics,

44:08

that's what he should break up with

44:10

him. Right, right. If your family member

44:12

dies, I'm not gonna sit there and

44:14

listen to you fucking yap about it.

44:16

But like if you want a soda

44:18

or something, I will go to the

44:20

store. Just the lowest bar. Like a

44:22

lot of this book is just like

44:24

the philosophy of a very sexist man.

44:26

Oh, he's a sociopath. He doesn't feel

44:28

emotions when people die and he believes

44:30

that it's because he's a dude, but

44:32

it's like no... It's because you are

44:34

a diagnosable psychopath. The only extent to

44:36

which this book is interesting is like

44:38

as a little snapshot of American masculinity

44:40

in the 2000s, because he is constructing

44:43

masculinity here as something that everyone around

44:45

a man has to go out of

44:47

their way to reinforce, right? It's up

44:49

to women to give men opportunities to

44:51

like fix things and like cook meat

44:53

on the grill or whatever, but then

44:55

it's never up to men to reinforce

44:57

femininity, right? Even if you have this

44:59

gender essentialist view that like... Men do

45:01

things and women are interested in feelings

45:03

and relationships. Can't men every once in

45:05

a while just fucking ask, how are

45:07

you, how do you feel? Right. It's

45:09

not just that it's essentialist, right? It's

45:11

also hierarchical. It's always that man's needs

45:13

are supreme to women's needs. You can

45:15

think of like a steel-man version of

45:17

this. It's like men are not... socialized

45:20

to communicate effectively in these situations and

45:22

like here's how you can deal with

45:24

it or whatever like there's some version

45:26

of that but he's literally just like

45:28

you think we're gonna fucking reminisce with

45:30

you that's not what men do Jesus

45:32

Christ bro it's so bizarre to me

45:34

the idea of loving someone and not

45:36

wanting to know this stuff I'm just

45:38

like what is love to you then

45:40

I would love to hear him articulate

45:42

why he wants to be married to

45:44

anyone yeah I guarantee that it would

45:46

be just like a religious explanation. One

45:48

thing I've sort of skirted around, because

45:50

it's not that interesting, is that he

45:52

often talks about finding a man of

45:55

God and stuff like that. That's very...

45:57

important to him. He's talked about this

45:59

publicly, how he like doesn't believe that

46:01

like atheists can be good people and

46:03

stuff like that. But I honestly think

46:05

that he just feels that these are

46:07

like these are the burdens that we

46:09

carry with us because of like you

46:11

know the the order of things that

46:13

you must pursue a relationship and you

46:15

must you get you want to get

46:17

married you want to have kids not

46:19

because you truly want to but because

46:21

these are yeah the things that we

46:23

are supposed to do. There's also a culture

46:26

among men men horror. binary that he sets

46:28

up, where it's like you marry a woman

46:30

because like you're supposed to like her, like

46:32

she's the type of woman that you can

46:34

be with your friends around, kind of show

46:37

off to other people. It's like a status

46:39

thing without actually liking this person.

46:41

The very last section of the

46:44

book is like a rapid fire,

46:46

frequently asked questions. Most of it,

46:48

pretty dull or redundant with other

46:50

sections, but I'm going to send you

46:52

my favorites. Is it called Survey says?

46:55

I feel like it should. I wouldn't.

46:57

And most non-smokers wouldn't either. The skin

46:59

of women who smoke... It's not where

47:01

I would start. The skin of women

47:03

who smoke ages prematurely and their

47:06

lips are stained. It ages them internally

47:08

too. And for me, it exhibits

47:10

a weakness and lack of understanding

47:12

about their own health. Once we

47:14

non-smoking men see that a woman

47:16

doesn't care about her own health,

47:18

we immediately equate that to her

47:21

inability to care for her man

47:23

and her kids. Yeah. Most non-smoking

47:25

men will not tolerate a smoking

47:27

woman not on a permanent basis. We'll

47:29

sleep with you, but we're not taking you

47:31

home. Why did you put that in at

47:33

the end? I wanted to put in one

47:35

piece of advice that I agree with. We

47:37

will fuck you. It's so funny to me

47:40

that he's... Hey, smoking causes lung cancer.

47:42

He's like, they're fucking skin. It

47:44

ages faster. That's the first thing

47:46

he says. I also probably wouldn't

47:48

date a smoker, but just just like

47:50

kissing a smoker feels like kissing a

47:52

chimney. But also, first of all, I

47:54

wouldn't like say anything morally about smokers.

47:56

And secondly, I wouldn't just throw in

47:58

there like, also. Oh, fuck you though.

48:01

I also don't even die. Like a

48:03

woman who occasionally smokes, no problem, because

48:05

I occasionally smoke, I don't give a

48:07

shit. Wait, do you? I'll have like

48:09

a pack a year, maybe, maybe, maybe.

48:11

Oh, is that why your lips are

48:13

stained? That's why my lips are stained.

48:16

Your skin is age, prematurely? I'm always

48:18

saying your skin is age prematurely. Your

48:20

skin is age prematurely? One of my

48:22

favorites. Question, do you prefer a woman

48:24

in flats or heels? Answer, heels, baby,

48:26

heels. If we could get athletic shoes

48:28

with heels for women, we would. It's

48:31

just a really sexy thing to us.

48:33

I don't know a single man who

48:35

prefers women in flats. I've never run

48:37

into one. We all think heels make

48:39

your legs more beautiful and they make

48:41

you walk more feminine, and you too.

48:43

And that's what we're attracted to. Again,

48:46

whatever man, like what you like, but

48:48

this is like a weirdly dirt-bagged thing.

48:50

The one, the bit of context here

48:52

that's sort of missing when we're picking

48:54

these out is that throughout the frequently

48:56

asked question section, a lot of it

48:58

is just sort of like, do men

49:01

like this? And he's like, men like

49:03

different things, do what you like, there's

49:05

a guy for you somewhere. But then

49:07

it gets to this one and he's

49:09

just too horny. He's like, heals, heals,

49:11

heals, these books are not edited. If

49:13

someone came to me with a conspiracy

49:16

theory that no one has read this

49:18

book in full, I would probably believe

49:20

it. All right, another one I've sent

49:22

you. Question, do men like shopping? Answer,

49:24

we'll go if you make us, and

49:26

it's the only way we can spend

49:28

our time with you. But it's not

49:30

what we want to do. Think about

49:33

it. The men's department is almost always

49:35

on the first floor, by the door,

49:37

and always one of the smaller sections

49:39

in the store. It's so we can

49:41

get in and get in and get

49:43

in and get out. You never walk

49:45

in and see men rummaging through the

49:48

sails racks and holding shirts up to

49:50

their chest and openly asking if they

49:52

look better in the blue or the

49:54

green. Not openly, no. We go in

49:56

knowing exactly what we want and come

49:58

out with it. Rarely anything more. That's

50:00

what we like about shopping. Getting in

50:03

and getting out. Doesn't Steve like take

50:05

a lot of care in how he

50:07

dresses? Doesn't he wear like flamboyant suits

50:09

and stuff? He does, but like I

50:11

guess he must just have a stylus

50:13

or something? I don't know. Let's speak

50:15

constantly about like trying to look good.

50:18

Like this is a lot of like

50:20

trying to look good. Like this is

50:22

a lot of advice to men. Like,

50:24

like if you just change this, like

50:26

he's assuming clothes shopping. Go watch a,

50:28

you can find the straightest guy in

50:30

the world and go watch him shop

50:33

for a truck and tell me that

50:35

man doesn't like shopping. If you think

50:37

of sports betting as a kind of

50:39

shopping, I don't really into it. This

50:41

is one of the many parts of

50:43

the book where like, it just felt

50:45

like he was calling me gay. He's

50:48

just like, no real man, whatever like

50:50

shopping and gossip. And I'm like, oh,

50:52

all right. I just, I thought, dressing

50:54

nice and talking shit, the Peter Shamshiri

50:56

story. So that's all that I'm going

50:58

to include from the book. We should

51:00

briefly talk about the movie. A couple

51:03

years after the book comes out, the

51:05

movie comes out. It's called Think Like

51:07

a Man. Oh. It's not based on

51:09

the book so much as it is

51:11

about the book. Like the book is

51:13

kind of the main character in the

51:15

movie. Oh, it's like adaptation? Yeah, sort

51:18

of. It follows it follows several. couples

51:20

and the women find Steve Harvey's book

51:22

like they're like holding up his book

51:24

being like Steve says we should be

51:26

doing this oh weird so it's like

51:28

an advertisement for the book basically fully

51:30

an ad it's fully an ad And

51:33

then like the men realize what they're

51:35

doing and try to like fight back

51:37

but it you know it it back

51:39

fires on them because Steve Harvey's advice

51:41

cannot be defeated. Peter Peter what if

51:43

there was a movie based on this

51:45

podcast and it was just people who

51:48

sucked and then they found the podcast

51:50

and they're like now I don't read

51:52

the Atlantic anymore. Like someone's like holding

51:54

up their Apple podcast app and it's

51:56

like our logo and it like zooms

51:58

in on it. you know? Michael and

52:00

Peter say that this is all bullshit.

52:03

Since Pete thinks Peter and Michael and

52:05

they jump in the air and we

52:07

get freeze frame. I also think it's

52:09

probably worth just going over some Steve

52:11

Harvey controversies. The thing about Steve Harvey

52:13

is that he is fundamentally a dumb

52:15

asshole. So if you let him talk

52:18

enough, he will hit like a resting

52:20

pace of about one controversy every one

52:22

or two years. The most famous controversy.

52:24

is not really a problematic controversy, it's

52:26

the fact that he... hosted the Miss

52:28

Universe competition and announced the incorrect winner.

52:30

Do you remember that? No. They just

52:33

said like a random lady and then

52:35

it wasn't her. No, he announced the

52:37

runner-up as the winner and then had

52:39

to be like, it was a funnier

52:41

version of the moonlight La La Land.

52:43

It was down to Miss Columbia and

52:45

Miss Philippines and then he did a

52:48

Twitter apology where he spelled both Columbia

52:50

and the Philippines long. He was on

52:52

a talk show once when talking about

52:54

why men cheat, he said, it's because

52:56

there are so many women out there

52:58

willing to cheat with them. There's an

53:00

appearance on the view where he was

53:03

like, there isn't a real man living

53:05

that can live without one of you,

53:07

meaning women. He doesn't exist. And then

53:09

the hosts are all like, well, what

53:11

about gay man? What about gay man?

53:13

And then Steve's like, well, real man.

53:15

Oh, fucking Joy Behar. It's like reiterating

53:18

like five times to him. Like, gay

53:20

men live without women and they're fine.

53:22

And then. At the end, Steve is

53:24

like, yes, yes, you're right. Thanks for

53:26

saying that. It's like, what did you

53:28

do? What was your point then? Right.

53:30

There's so many, fuck. I mean, when

53:33

we're talking about like sexist things he

53:35

said publicly, it's just endless. Like, yeah.

53:37

This is also from 2017. This is

53:39

an email that Steve Harvey sent the

53:41

staff of his show. He says, good

53:43

morning everyone, welcome back. I'd like you

53:45

all to review and adhere to the

53:47

following notes and rules and rules for

53:50

season. five of my talk show. There

53:52

will be no meetings in my dressing

53:54

room. No stopping by or popping in,

53:56

no one. Do not come to my

53:58

dressing room unless invited. Do not open

54:00

my dressing room door, all caps. If

54:02

you open my door, expect to be

54:05

removed. I want all ambushing to be

54:07

removed. I want all ambushing to stop

54:09

now. That includes TV staff. You must

54:11

schedule an appointment. I have been taken

54:13

advantage of by my lenient policy in

54:15

the past. This ends now. No more.

54:17

Do not approach me while. I promise

54:20

you I will not entertain you in

54:22

the hallway and do not attempt to

54:24

walk with me. If you're reading this,

54:26

yes I mean you, everyone, do not

54:28

take offense to the new way of

54:30

doing business. It is for the good

54:32

of my personal life and enjoyment. Thank

54:35

you all. This did end Ellen's career,

54:37

but I don't feel like Steve Harvey's

54:39

at risk of the same thing. As

54:41

an introvert, I have written versions of

54:43

this email many times and never sent

54:45

them. Do not say hi to me.

54:47

Do not expect me to be cute

54:50

and make small talk. I could, I

54:52

do think you could like imagine. that

54:54

his life at work is just people

54:56

constantly coming up to him with some

54:58

questioning problem. But it's just very funny

55:00

that you can immediately clock that he's

55:02

a nightmare. He's like, I'm doing self-care

55:05

this year. Don't speak to me. Also,

55:07

like, this is part of being like

55:09

a millionaire. It's like, I'm doing self-care

55:11

this year. Don't speak to me. Also,

55:13

like, you're just, this is part of

55:15

being like a millionaire public figure. You're

55:17

the head of essentially an organization. Parts

55:20

of your job suck. Right. I have

55:22

to hear about my fucking mispronunciation all

55:24

the time. You don't hear me complaining

55:26

about it. Yeah. On every episode. On

55:28

every single episode? You never hear us

55:30

complaining about that. And I'm sure that

55:32

if we did, it would cause you

55:35

all to stop doing. Right? It wouldn't

55:37

encourage you. Not to just do it

55:39

more. Because you're all little rats. this

55:41

book it's an important one four or

55:43

five times in this book Steve basically

55:45

inserts the smile emoji but he writes

55:47

it out he just writes the word

55:50

smile after saying something oh he doesn't

55:52

use like colon dash parentheses no no

55:54

no just smile it's just like an

55:56

m dash and then the word smile

55:58

it's so bizarre like the first time

56:00

I was like what is this like

56:02

I almost was like Was he doing

56:05

a placeholder for the emoji? Again, he's

56:07

got to just be voice memoing this,

56:09

right? And he just said smile, expecting

56:11

someone else to like control effort later

56:13

and replace it with the emoji. And

56:15

then no one read the text of

56:17

this book and they just published it.

56:20

They're like, great job Steve. We published

56:22

it in full, no edits. The other

56:24

weird thing that dates this book is

56:26

that maybe two or three times he

56:28

references like. Naughty emails? Oh. Is that

56:30

what like 55 year olds were doing

56:32

in 2009 is writing each other, horny

56:35

emails? Forward, re, re, re, forward, your

56:37

boobs. That's how it was back then.

56:39

Early internet days. Right, they're just, they're

56:41

writing out full emails and just like

56:43

that. I hope this email finds you

56:45

well. Between my legs, you'll find out.

56:47

Picking up where we left off last

56:50

week, I walk into your bedroom dressed

56:52

sexy. It's so funny that he can

56:54

just sort of walk in society the

56:56

way that he does, when he's such

56:58

an out and out scum bag. Blake

57:00

Lively is listening to this episode, like,

57:02

really? If it was just like Steve

57:05

Harvey, the host of family feud, is

57:07

actually an asshole, I'd be like, okay,

57:09

whatever. But his... Actual career is like

57:11

predicated on being the sort of like

57:13

truth teller who gives good advice practical

57:15

in harsh truths Well, yeah, I mean

57:17

the way that it gets framed is

57:20

like you might think that this is

57:22

antiquated But this is how things are

57:24

right. The whole turn is he's not

57:26

saying it's good He's just

57:28

saying it's true. it's

57:30

And the idea, again,

57:32

that like again negative

57:35

qualities that many

57:37

men hold cannot actually

57:39

be addressed. Yeah. This is

57:41

is sort of the

57:43

output of our

57:45

masculinity and our our

57:47

to protect and provide

57:50

or whatever. you can't can't

57:52

interfere with that.

57:54

You can only work

57:56

around it. around it.

57:58

is on you to

58:00

work around it.

58:02

I will say in

58:05

his defense, there's

58:07

one decent piece of

58:09

advice in this

58:11

book, which is book, which

58:13

if you want

58:15

to get rid of

58:17

a weird man,

58:19

start smoking. of a weird man

58:22

start you. He He

58:24

will not call you

58:26

fuck which will not call you

58:28

what ladies want? which

58:30

have a Steve

58:32

Harvey in your life,

58:34

just put on a

58:37

Steve Harvey in your life, just put

58:39

on flats.