0:00

Hello , hello and welcome to the show . I

0:02

am Sarah Megatel , your communication and mindset

0:04

coach , and today we are getting out of our

0:06

heads and shifting our focus to

0:08

other people . The

0:11

first step to becoming a better communicator is

0:14

to understand that not everyone sees

0:16

the world the same way that you do , and

0:18

we are motivated by different things

0:20

. Most of us are just stumbling around

0:23

assuming that other people think the same

0:25

way we do , and miscommunication

0:27

and hurt feelings are what results

0:30

. Aaron T Beck , who is the founder

0:32

of cognitive behavioral therapy , said

0:34

that it's like we're all wearing tinted glasses

0:36

. We think that we are viewing the world

0:38

in the only way . Our perspective

0:41

is the perspective , but when we take the

0:43

glasses off , we see that

0:45

there are so many more perspectives

0:47

. There is a theory that there are nine

0:50

core personality types , with a lot of rich

0:52

variation , but nine core ways

0:54

of being in this world . And

0:56

this typology is called the enneagram

0:58

And , whether you choose to believe in it or not

1:01

, the enneagram really opens our

1:03

eyes to the fact that people are

1:05

motivated by very

1:07

different things . We are all seeing the world

1:09

in a different way . To give

1:11

you a very high level view of the enneagram

1:13

, this typology blends

1:15

ancient wisdom and modern psychology

1:18

. So there are nine core

1:20

personality types and each

1:22

has their own ego driven

1:24

motivations . So the enneagram

1:26

gets to the root of why you do

1:29

the things you do . That's what makes it

1:31

so helpful . It helps you understand

1:33

yourself , what motivates you , how

1:35

you operate in the world , how others people

1:37

see you , your blind spots . Let's

1:40

talk briefly about each type . Type

1:42

one the improver Integrity

1:45

is very important to type ones . They

1:47

see what can be improved in the world

1:50

and they believe that is their duty to

1:52

fix it . And I

1:55

should let you know up front the enneagram

1:58

is we're dealing with like a lot of unconscious

2:00

motivations and drivers

2:02

. Until we actually

2:04

sit down and start like contemplating why

2:07

we do the things we do , we

2:09

are just running on autopilot

2:12

. So ones have high

2:14

standards , especially for themselves . Their

2:17

core motivation is to be good and right

2:19

. So ones want to be perfect

2:21

according to what they think

2:23

is perfect . They sort of make up their

2:25

own rules and

2:27

they have a very loud inner critic

2:29

driving them . What's right and good

2:31

for one's varies by person . It

2:33

could be social justice issues

2:35

that's very popular with ones how

2:38

to be the perfect partner , what's

2:40

the right way to grow old , how

2:42

business should be done . One's

2:45

show that they care by trying to improve

2:47

other people , but this can come off as

2:49

being judgmental , a little critical

2:51

sometimes , but they

2:53

don't want to hear feedback themselves . For

2:56

them , receiving feedback is very hard because

2:59

they are trying so hard to do

3:01

things the right way . They see

3:03

the world in black and white and what

3:05

they believe is right . They want to be

3:07

in control . Ones

3:10

can be resentful when they think

3:12

other people don't care about the world

3:14

as much as they do , that

3:16

they're not trying as hard to do the right

3:18

thing . But they save their highest anger

3:20

for themselves . Type two

3:22

is the giver . Tues are

3:25

empathetic . They go out of their way to help

3:27

other people . They actually search

3:29

for ways to help people and often know

3:31

what you need before you

3:33

do For them . Relationships

3:35

and connection are the most important thing

3:37

. Tues like to take care of others

3:39

. They aren't usually aware

3:41

of their own needs . Their

3:43

core motivation is to be liked

3:46

. They often unconsciously try

3:48

to make themselves indispensable

3:51

to you . I don't have any needs , i'm

3:53

going to serve you . They will replace

3:55

situations in their mind if

3:58

they feel that something went wrong

4:00

or somebody might be upset with them

4:02

. It really bothers them . Helping

4:05

others feels very natural to them

4:07

and they don't understand

4:09

why other people do not reciprocate

4:11

their help . For them

4:14

it is such a natural thing . They

4:16

don't understand why others aren't wired

4:18

with the same giving nature

4:20

, the same like seeking out to give nature

4:23

. They have a sense that they

4:26

have to give to get and they get

4:28

sad because they're doing

4:30

all the giving even when nobody

4:32

has asked . Tues take pride

4:35

in being helpful and knowing what

4:37

you need , as I said , because

4:39

they think they need to please others

4:41

to receive love . They are driven

4:44

by this need to be needed Again

4:46

when it comes to all of our behavioral

4:48

patterns and personalities . We're usually

4:50

not conscious of that

4:53

we're doing this . Tues often

4:55

can be taken advantage of

4:57

because they get a reputation of oh

5:00

, this person always steps up , this

5:02

person is always helping . This is the type

5:04

of person who would never say

5:06

no . Type three , the

5:08

performer , often also called the achiever

5:11

. Tues are confident . They're highly

5:13

productive . They are the action takers

5:15

. They are the type of people who other

5:17

people look at them and they're like how are you getting this

5:19

all done ? Everything looks perfect and

5:21

polished from the outside , but

5:24

they don't care as much about

5:26

cutting corners , unlike ones

5:29

. It's easy for threes to speak

5:31

off the cuff and they can seem

5:33

like they know what they're talking about , even when they

5:36

don't . Threes are often

5:38

efficient workaholics who put

5:40

off pleasure to get the job done . They don't

5:43

always see the point of doing things

5:45

just for fun . Their core motivation

5:47

is to be recognized for

5:49

their achievements . They

5:51

are generally great at what

5:53

they do and they want you to

5:55

perceive them as great at what

5:58

they do . They're known for

6:00

being shapeshifters they become

6:02

what you want to see and

6:04

they cater to different situations

6:06

. This performance is usually

6:08

not conscious . They are blind

6:11

to their own preferences . Due to

6:13

this performing , they

6:15

deceive themselves into thinking they want

6:17

to be what they

6:20

think you want to see . So it's

6:22

common for threes

6:25

to achieve a lot of

6:27

traditional success in

6:29

their career And

6:31

then , years down the line , they're like whoa

6:34

, how did I get here ? I didn't even want to

6:36

be here , but they knew other

6:38

people would be impressed by all

6:40

of these achievements . So they just

6:42

kept climbing that ladder . And then

6:45

, when they reached midlife , they're like wait a minute , who am I

6:47

? Threes want to be seen as successful because

6:49

they're rewarded for this . Especially in

6:51

US culture , people are prized

6:53

for being tireless workhorses and

6:55

this can burn anyone out

6:57

if you're not careful . For three's

6:59

, failure and disapproval is the

7:01

worst nightmare . When something

7:03

goes wrong , they tend to blame themselves

7:06

because they think they're in control of

7:08

everything , even though they're not . Threes

7:11

are very outwardly focused and they

7:13

get so wrapped up in playing to the persona

7:15

they think others want to see that they

7:17

often lose touch with their own feelings . Forrest

7:20

, the individualist Forrest , are creative

7:23

, sensitive , often dramatic . They

7:25

see the nuance in the world and

7:27

aren't prone to right or wrong thinking

7:30

. They appreciate beauty . They feel things

7:32

very deeply and often

7:34

feel very frustrated and negative

7:37

that their reality doesn't

7:39

match up with all these ideals they're creating

7:41

in their head . Forrest love

7:44

feeling and expressing their feelings

7:46

and they don't understand why everyone

7:48

isn't embracing their own authenticity

7:51

. They're good comforters because

7:53

they don't run when people get

7:56

emotional or they don't

7:58

try to fix everything . They

8:00

let people sit with their emotions , and

8:03

that's what they want from other people

8:05

as well . People

8:07

who are more on the

8:09

optimistic side

8:11

, positive vibes only . I

8:13

would say that I am in this camp

8:16

, like Enneagram 2s , enneagram

8:18

7s , enneagram 9s . When

8:20

we see people who are really

8:22

upset , the gut instinct is to

8:24

pull them out of it as soon as

8:27

possible , and Forrest

8:29

are good at let's just be

8:31

with us before moving on . Forrest

8:34

want people to see them as unique

8:36

. They are very afraid of being

8:38

ordinary and they

8:41

also feel like outsiders and

8:43

they try to stand out to be accepted

8:45

, but then that makes them even

8:47

less accepted . Forrest

8:50

have a deep desire for what's missing in their

8:52

life . They idealize other people

8:54

and what they have and then

8:56

the Forrest focus on okay , what's

8:58

missing ? with me

9:00

and myself There's a lot of comparison

9:03

. This is their core motivation

9:05

to keep up this longing . By searching

9:07

for what is not there . They

9:10

talk about themselves and what

9:12

they're feeling a lot because they

9:14

are trying to understand this themselves

9:17

and they want you to understand them

9:19

. At the same time , they worry

9:21

that their true self won't be loved

9:23

and this intensity can be too much

9:25

for a lot of people , especially when

9:28

Forrest overshare . They're

9:30

not the small talk people . They want the life story

9:32

immediately , even if they haven't built trust

9:34

with you . Fives are observers who

9:37

are independent and don't like drama

9:39

. They're kind of the complete opposite of the four

9:41

and they need a lot of time to

9:43

recharge , a lot of alone time to recharge

9:45

. They see things very

9:47

objectively . They don't bring emotions

9:50

into it . They

9:52

love to deep dive onto specific topics

9:55

and they can become a little obsessed

9:57

with research . The more they

9:59

learn , the more they realize there's so much more

10:01

to learn . Productivity can

10:03

be a problem when they get so caught up

10:05

in research , because then they never take any

10:07

action on this knowledge . The

10:10

core motivation of Fives is to protect

10:12

their resources . Some of them hoard material

10:15

goods so they don't have to rely on other people

10:17

. But this hoarding of resources

10:20

is more about hoarding energy . Fives

10:22

feel like they don't have enough

10:24

of it and they need to hang on to it . Sometimes

10:28

they will skip out on experiences because

10:30

they fear it will be too tiring

10:32

or because they need to finish their work

10:35

or their research before they can go out into the

10:37

real world . They feel

10:39

a drive to study overhanging out

10:41

, not because they don't want to hang out necessarily , though

10:44

they do love their alone time but because

10:46

they feel like they need to get

10:48

better at whatever it is they're doing before

10:51

they can move on in life . They

10:53

don't like talking about themselves or being put

10:55

on the spot . They like

10:57

to walk into a situation prepared

10:59

. They don't like to talk a lot in meetings . They

11:01

need time to process what they think . Type

11:04

6 , the loyal skeptic . Sixes

11:06

are humble , loyal , good . In

11:08

a crisis . They look out for other people and

11:11

they think about what's good for everyone

11:13

. They love to plan ahead . They're always

11:16

preparing for what might go wrong

11:18

and then they have a backup plan for

11:20

that . So , sixes , they

11:23

believe the world is unsafe and unpredictable

11:26

. But they might not realize that they

11:28

are afraid because they're so busy

11:31

planning and that's

11:33

how they try to create security for themselves

11:35

and for the people they love . They

11:37

don't trust right away . They think about

11:39

worst case scenarios so they are

11:41

not caught off guard . What happens if I

11:43

go on this road trip and then it pours the whole time

11:45

and then my tires get stuck in mud and then I'll

11:47

have to get towed ? Sixes see themselves

11:50

as being realistic , while other

11:52

people can see them as warriors and

11:54

or nags . But not all

11:57

sixes are the same . Some sixes are

11:59

the planners who run from fear , and

12:01

then there are other sixes who are the opposite

12:04

, who they confront fear head

12:06

on . But both of them have

12:08

the same core of motivation , and that is to protect

12:11

themselves from harm . Same core

12:13

motivation , but different behavior . The

12:15

counterphobic six challenges authority

12:17

and can seem aggressive . The

12:19

phobic six obeys authority

12:21

once they find people they trust and

12:24

is a little more withdrawn . But every

12:26

six can be phobic or counterphobic

12:29

. It's on a range and it can change . Seven

12:31

, the epicure Sevens , are

12:33

the fun , free spirits of the enneagram

12:35

. They are the life of the party . They are

12:37

high energy and have an insatiable

12:40

curiosity . The core motivation

12:42

driving them is pleasure and

12:44

the avoidance of pain . With

12:47

sevens , the ideas keep flowing

12:49

and they just want to try everything

12:52

. They're optimistic , enthusiastic

12:54

, future thinking , but

12:56

it's not uncommon for sevens to go through

12:58

a period of depression at some point because

13:00

the world is not

13:03

matching up to their fun vision

13:05

. Sevens start

13:07

out with the bang on projects but then things

13:09

fizzle when the excitement wears off

13:11

. They are visionaries who make

13:13

great entrepreneurs but they need somebody

13:16

else to run the day to day operations because

13:18

they have already moved on to the next thing And

13:20

this can prevent them from fully

13:23

experiencing where they are

13:25

now because they're always thinking

13:27

what is next . They

13:29

are not in the present . They don't

13:31

like commitment or feeling boxed in

13:33

. Freedom is very important to sevens

13:36

. They don't like restrictions . They

13:38

love to talk and tell stories which

13:40

can kind of be all over the place , but people

13:43

love hearing them because of

13:45

the energy that they bring After

13:47

the party . You might not remember anything a seven

13:49

said , but you will remember how they

13:51

made you feel . Connection to others

13:53

is important to them . Type eight the

13:56

challenger Aids are decisive natural

13:58

leaders . Go big or go home . They

14:00

are focused , they're highly productive and

14:03

they can create order out of

14:05

chaos . They think this

14:07

world is a rough place and

14:09

they're afraid of being vulnerable

14:11

in it because they don't want to be taken advantage

14:14

of . Their core motivation is protecting

14:16

themselves from being vulnerable . Fight

14:18

or flight Are you with me or are

14:20

you against me ? They think in black

14:22

and white , like the one and like the

14:25

type three . Eights like it when you

14:27

get to the point . But the three's

14:29

core motivation is to be recognized

14:31

for their achievements , not to protect

14:33

their vulnerability . When you talk to them

14:35

, cut to the chase . They are direct

14:37

. They want you to tell it like it is

14:39

. They don't like it when they think people are

14:41

being wishy-washy . They have a few

14:43

close friends and that's all they need

14:45

. So they are really not up . They're

14:48

not the kinds of people who are up for like Monday

14:50

morning chit chat with colleagues . But

14:52

when it's tell it like it is , they're not necessarily

14:55

passing judgment or trying to criticize

14:57

. They're just calling it like they

14:59

see it and they don't understand why other

15:01

people can't speak more plainly . They

15:04

really respect strong leaders and they're

15:06

suspicious of anyone . They think is too

15:08

nice . If they fight with you , they

15:10

can get really worked up and intense

15:13

in the moment , but then they can just easily

15:15

shake it off and move on like nothing

15:17

happened And for them the fight's over and

15:19

life is going back to normal . And they

15:22

don't realize that many other

15:24

people don't have that ability . Type

15:27

9s are peaceful , low maintenance

15:29

, go with the flow types . They are serene

15:31

, kind , optimistic , open-minded

15:33

. They trust people and they have

15:35

a sense of wonder , a feeling that

15:37

we are all connected . People

15:40

like being around 9s . They have a calming presence

15:43

and they make people feel seen

15:45

and heard . 9s don't

15:47

hold a grudge . They are great collaborators

15:49

and mediators . They're useful

15:51

in a crisis because they are so , even

15:54

killed . They want harmony above

15:56

all else . They will do anything

15:58

to avoid a conflict . So

16:01

9s often have their heads in the clouds

16:03

in their inner sanctum . You

16:05

might think that they're listening to you and agreeing

16:08

with you , even if they're not . They

16:10

crave comfort and balance and

16:13

they don't sweat the small stuff and they don't understand

16:15

why other people have such emotional

16:18

extremes , which makes them

16:20

really uneasy . 9s

16:22

core motivation is to keep the peace

16:25

their inner peace and external

16:27

peace and to

16:29

maintain connection , and this is one

16:31

reason why they are so go

16:33

with the flow . They don't

16:36

want to get other people mad

16:38

at them and again , this is an

16:40

unconscious thing . 9s procrastinate

16:42

a lot and have a hard time making

16:45

decisions because they can

16:47

see all sides of the situation

16:49

and they overthink . And even

16:51

when they know what their priorities are

16:53

, they're easily distracted and

16:55

start prioritizing the needs of someone

16:58

else or doing some other non-essential

17:00

task . Someone knows the breakdown

17:03

of the percentages of each type

17:05

, but there's a theory that most

17:08

people are 6s or 9s

17:10

and 4s are quite rare

17:12

. There are similarities

17:14

between the types . I mean there's the idea

17:17

that you have some of each type in

17:19

you , but that you lead with a core

17:21

type . The thing again

17:24

to remember is what is the core

17:26

motivation ? So here

17:28

are a few common mistypes and all you will

17:30

use type 9 as a baseline

17:32

, since it's one of the most common types . 9s

17:35

can often be confused for 2s due to their positive

17:37

outlook and friendliness and trouble-setting

17:39

boundaries , but 9s don't go

17:42

looking for ways to be indispensable to

17:44

people . They will help out if somebody asks

17:46

. Sometimes people feel

17:48

2s are a little too

17:51

intrusive because they rush in too

17:53

quickly to problem-solve without giving

17:55

the other person a chance to figure things out

17:57

on their own . It's really hard

17:59

for 2s to say no because they

18:01

feel like the world is just going to fall apart

18:04

if they are not there to help . And

18:06

9s do not feel this way . They don't

18:08

feel like it's their job

18:10

to save the world in that

18:12

way . 2s are also

18:15

more likely to try to address conflicts

18:17

as they come up so they can preserve

18:19

relationships , whereas 9s will avoid

18:22

the issue . 9s and 6s

18:24

can look similar because they often seek

18:26

outside sources to decide which

18:28

direction to go in rather than trust

18:30

what they know . But 9s are more

18:33

positive and trusting . They

18:35

assume that things are going to work out , whereas

18:37

the 6s worries a lot

18:39

What if ? and planning

18:41

for what could possibly

18:43

go wrong . What if , what if ? What if

18:45

? Anx is more on the surface

18:47

for 6s . 9s often

18:49

have a low level of anxiety

18:52

due to their sensitivity

18:54

to anything that could shake their

18:56

harmony . But many 9s are not

18:58

even aware of this low level anxiety

19:00

because they tend not to pay attention

19:03

to what's happening in their body . 9s

19:05

and 5s look alike too . They both

19:07

love alone time and tend to procrastinate

19:09

. They hate the spotlight . But

19:11

9s' core motivation is to preserve

19:14

harmony , and 5s aren't

19:16

bothered about conflict . They don't care

19:18

as much about being liked and

19:20

are more inwardly focused on

19:24

what they need . While the 9s care very

19:26

much what others think , 5s

19:28

have much stricter boundaries . 9s

19:31

and 4s can look similar because many

19:33

are creative and they live in their own worlds

19:35

, but 4s are much more

19:37

focused on what they are thinking and

19:39

feeling and wanting and they

19:41

are very concerned about being

19:44

authentic and original , standing

19:46

out , and 9s are more

19:48

concerned about the thoughts and feelings

19:51

of others and how they can

19:53

fit in . 9s

19:55

can look like 7s because of their positive

19:57

outlook and people like being around them

19:59

, but 7s , like 4s , are

20:01

more concerned about satisfying their own

20:03

needs . 7s are happy

20:06

to lead the way . 9s

20:08

have needs too , of course , but

20:10

they're less likely to pursue them

20:12

if they think that would rock the boat with other people

20:15

. 9s are more along for the ride . Also

20:17

, from a communication standpoint , 7s

20:20

get really excited during conversation and

20:22

they often jump in before the other person

20:24

is finished speaking , whereas a 9

20:26

waits their turn to speak . So

20:29

for me , for half a second I thought I might

20:31

be core 7 because

20:33

of You . Know , i pursue

20:35

positive things , i love

20:38

having new experiences , but

20:40

their communication style is so

20:42

opposite of mine So maybe you can relate

20:45

. But historically I've been the type

20:47

of person who will be talking to somebody

20:49

. Somebody else will burst into

20:51

the room and start talking over me , and

20:53

then I go silent Or , if I

20:55

feel really comfortable with the person , i'll say

20:57

, hey , i was saying something . And then the

20:59

other person will be like , oh , go ahead and finish . No

21:02

, forget it . No , go on . No

21:04

, forget it . You'll never know . This

21:06

is a classic introvert move . By the

21:08

way , when we feel talked over

21:10

, we withdraw , but take

21:12

off those tinted glasses . Not

21:15

everyone communicates the same way we

21:17

do . Some people are just more excitable

21:20

and pouncy And it doesn't

21:22

mean that they want to shut you down

21:24

. So resist your urge to withdraw

21:26

, stay engaged . I

21:29

was in a conversation with some Enneagram

21:31

nines all introverts and we

21:33

had one extroverted , enneagram

21:36

three in this conversation And

21:39

us nines . We're talking about the

21:41

nervousness that comes with

21:43

speaking up and how we

21:45

struggle to add to

21:48

work conversations when there's

21:50

just so much noise going on and everybody jumping

21:53

in , and this was a real eye opening

21:55

moment for the three who had just assumed

21:57

that the people who didn't speak

21:59

a lot didn't have a lot to say or didn't

22:01

want to contribute . So this

22:04

three was talking about how she loved

22:06

talking in meetings because she

22:08

really liked having the opportunity to share her

22:10

ideas , and this was an eye opener . For

22:12

us nines who we often

22:15

felt like having to talk in meetings

22:17

was more of a punishment rather

22:19

than an opportunity to

22:21

contribute . So in that

22:23

conversation we both learned a lot from each other

22:25

. The extrovert learned about

22:28

wanting to be more open and inclusive

22:30

to quieter voices And the

22:32

introverts . We learned that

22:34

just because somebody talks a lot doesn't mean

22:37

that they're trying to dominate the conversation

22:39

. Be careful telling

22:41

other people how they are , or rather

22:43

, just don't do it . You don't know what's

22:45

going on in somebody else's head , so

22:48

ask people what they're thinking instead

22:50

of assuming . The Enneagram

22:53

raises our self awareness . It increases

22:55

our compassion for ourselves And

22:58

also for other people , because

23:00

, again , we are just . It helps

23:02

us realize that not everyone sees the

23:04

world the same way we do . Which

23:07

Enneagram type resonated with you the most

23:10

? What do you love about that type ? What's keeping

23:12

you stuck . Is there something you heard today that

23:14

just rung about like Oh , is that why I'm doing that

23:17

? If you would like to work this out

23:19

with somebody , you can book a call with me

23:21

. There's the link in the episode notes . I

23:23

love helping people identify their blind

23:25

spots and come up with a plan to transform

23:27

their lives . So you can go to SarahMyGatellecom

23:29

to learn more or click the

23:32

link in the episode notes . Can't wait

23:34

to talk to you .