0:15

- Hello and welcome to Introducing Me. I'm your host Sarah. I started this podcast to get

0:20

to know other people and lifestyles while discovering more about myself.

0:23

Each episode, I will give a new guest a chance

0:25

to discuss their background, culture, interests,

0:28

or whatever they want to talk about to help increase all

0:30

of our own worldviews. Today, I would like to introduce you to Kyleigh Weathers.

0:34

Kyleigh was born a lesbian and raised a Mormon,

0:37

and she was caught at 16 with a girlfriend.

0:40

She served a mission for her church and was kicked out for being a lesbian. Kyleigh,

0:44

came out a year later and had a wife within two years,

0:47

and then was married to a man. She's the creator of Queerly Attached, a business dedicated

0:51

to providing attachment, trauma, recovery resources

0:53

for LGBTQ+ folks. So Kylie's here to talk a little bit about her life

0:58

and what she's got going on. So thank you so much. Kyleigh.

1:01

Why don't you tell the audience more about your story?

1:05

- Hey, what's up? Thanks for having me on. This is, uh, I'm excited about this one.

1:09

Uh, I've been doing several interviews just

1:11

because of my business, Queerly Attached. Um, and what I like to share as far

1:17

as my story goes is when you listen to this story, um, I say

1:21

that my story is a story of self abandonment.

1:24

And I'm gonna define self abandonment. Uh, for me, that means to disconnect from myself

1:30

to make sure that I stay in connection with others, right?

1:33

Whether that's relationship, friendship, parents, whatever

1:36

that is, it's a disconnect from my own needs.

1:39

It's crossing my own boundaries. It's people pleasing.

1:43

It's a lot of insecure attachment strategies

1:47

that we are using in order to stay connected.

1:49

So self abandonment just kind of drove my life

1:53

because of how I was born and raised, right?

1:56

I was born, I say a lesbian because that is something that used to make me cry.

2:01

Like I couldn't say that without tears.

2:03

Uh, and it is because of the culture that I was raised in.

2:06

Um, I grew up Mormon

2:09

and my family was very Mormon, very faithful.

2:12

We did the things. There was lots of, it's a high demand religion.

2:16

And, uh, realizing at 16 that, hey, girls are actually

2:22

kind of great, was difficult

2:24

because in my mind,

2:27

that's when the self abandoning really set in. That was the moment of like, I don't fit in this box

2:33

and I have to, well, one, because I have to.

2:36

I'm 16, right? , like, and there are so many stories of actual

2:41

families kicking people out for these things, right?

2:43

I, that was a huge risk and it wasn't one that I was willing to take.

2:47

Um, and so I hid for a long time

2:51

and learned to just really throw into my religion.

2:55

Um, and I really enjoyed it, if I'm honest. I think that there, I'm not really out here like

3:00

hating on the church. Um, the church is really part of your culture,

3:06

and it did make me who I am.

3:09

And there are things that I've learned, um, through

3:12

that experience that made me a better person. But the biggest thing that I learned was to self abandonment

3:18

or is was to self abandon after getting caught.

3:23

It was like everything just flipped. Um, my parents were loving in their way, right?

3:29

They wanted me to be, um,

3:34

forever with them. And in the Mormon church,

3:36

that means we can be together forever in heaven, right?

3:39

And if I'm gay, can't do that. So it was a loving response in that they wanted

3:44

to make sure I stayed on that path. And so, you know, the bishop repenting therapy,

3:50

pray the Gay Away, all of that started and I tried really hard .

3:56

Um, and I ended up serving a mission. Uh, guess where I went?

4:00

- Oh gosh, I have no idea. The first, uh, location that came to mind

4:04

for whatever reason was New York, which like,

4:06

don't know where that came from. . - That would've been cool. Well, so that's

4:10

how when you receive your mission call, it was like a young

4:13

LDS Mormon person, right? You don't know where you're going.

4:15

Like you just, it's kind of a surprise, right? So I was very surprised that I got called

4:20

to serve my mission in Argentina and I was really stoked about it.

4:23

Um, and you know, not once was I ever like, huh, I wonder

4:28

how it's gonna be with this secret on a mission

4:31

with another girl 24 7 as a companion.

4:34

Like, I, not one time I just really thought

4:37

that it wasn't gonna be a problem. uh, it turned out to be a problem.

4:42

And I only ended up serving for six months. And I came home.

4:47

And, you know, this is one thing I haven't talked about yet.

4:50

So I'll, I'll go this. Since we're sticking with self abandonment on this story, I used to think

4:56

that the reason why I confessed,

4:58

'cause I didn't get caught on my mission, I confessed. And I used to think at the time, the reason why I did

5:04

that was because I knew that I couldn't stay

5:07

and handle the guilt of like holding

5:09

that in for the next year. Like, I could not fathom feeling this way for the next year.

5:16

It was too scary to imagine. I also had just been called to be like a leader in

5:23

that area, and I was terrified to do it.

5:25

I had a real fear of failure. And I know, now looking back on it,

5:31

the reason why I confessed was I was afraid

5:33

of what was gonna happen next. I knew what would happen if I did that.

5:38

I took like, I'm gonna just confess

5:41

and get sent home early, which means being sent home

5:43

with like dishonorable and, and I had to have a disciplinary counsel right there in the

5:47

mission where we talked about everything that went on, right?

5:51

I chose that over just hiding because of what that was gonna make me feel.

5:54

So I did get back home, um, and kind of hung on to the church for another six months.

6:00

And then I just decided it was just too hard. It was just too hard to just not be gay.

6:04

I mean, the truth is y'all like, you just can't do it. .

6:07

Like, it just isn't a thing, you know?

6:10

And, uh, so I ended up coming out

6:14

and I was terrified because I knew that I was gonna lose a lot.

6:17

And I did lose a lot. I did lose a lot.

6:21

Um, but I ended up meeting someone and, and we got married

6:24

and actually she was also an ex Mormon. So we kind of had that thing in common.

6:29

And, you know, she ended up going back to

6:34

that church and it was heartbreaking.

6:37

And what's crazy about this part of the story,

6:42

is that I was also back in the church within a month.

6:47

Like wild, right? Wild.

6:50

Like within a month I was right back there.

6:53

I wasn't happy about it, but when she made

6:57

that decision, it was again, losing everything.

7:01

Losing everything. I had already lost community,

7:04

lost family, right? To, to make this choice.

7:08

And then when she makes this choice, now I'm losing again.

7:12

Making the choice to go back to the church immediately got me community back.

7:15

It immediately connected me back to my family.

7:18

I was allowed, not allowed, but it's like we were able to still be friends, right?

7:22

Like, everybody lesbian, wants to be friends with their ex, like , we all out here trying it.

7:26

And so I got all of that back

7:29

by self abandoning, right? I mean, I see it now and it makes so much sense, right?

7:35

It makes so much sense now. But it ended up completely diverting my path, right?

7:41

I completely ended up doing the Mormon wife life.

7:45

Um, do you watch The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? - I do not.

7:49

- Are you into like reality shows at all? - But I have heard a little bit about it.

7:52

- I'm telling you, somebody in your audience watches that shit.

7:55

Uh, anyway, . So I did end up doing that life

7:58

and I met a fantastic guy and we were married

8:00

and we had a fantastic kid. And, um, it, it was the Mormon life.

8:05

And, you know, it wasn't, people ask me a lot like, how did you do that?

8:09

You know, it wasn't that it was like hard per se.

8:11

I really did believe these things about this church,

8:17

but there was, I call just like these inner parts inside

8:21

of me that were definitely feeling like abandoned,

8:25

not heard, not validated, um, dishonest shame, guilt.

8:30

Like it was a lot. And it caused a lot of anxiety.

8:34

Um, and like, just unrest. And so when I left the church with him, thank goodness,

8:44

having a mixed faith relationship can be really difficult.

8:48

Uh, we already had a mixed orientation marriage, so

8:50

that would've been twice as hard, right? Uh, we were able to, we left together.

8:55

Um, and once we left the church, the way that

9:01

my co-parent now, um, my co-parent describes it is

9:04

that it was like he says, it was like this cloak just got pulled off me.

9:07

Like, oh, there she is. Right? And, and from go, he was always supportive

9:13

and has continued to be like, we are fantastic co-parents.

9:17

We decided that choosing

9:22

the like known safe life was really like choosing a half life.

9:26

Like we both were willing to like do the unknown, right?

9:30

Which was for me to literally just be like, yo, I'm a lesbian.

9:33

And it took therapy for me to be able to say that.

9:35

'cause I had my own inner homophobia, you know,

9:37

like I was this, I say like, it was weird.

9:40

I was like this dual thing. I was like a homophobic yet gatekeeping lesbian.

9:45

Like I wasn't gay enough or, you know, it was definitely a sin or whatever.

9:49

Um, and so I ended up having a fantastic

9:52

co-parenting relationship. I can see his apartment from here.

9:55

We are two buildings away and my son runs between us.

9:57

And it's beautiful. And that doesn't mean it doesn't come without conflict.

10:02

Um, but because as you can hear, there was a

10:04

lot of conflict in my life. Like communication and conflict are what I'm about.

10:08

I love like teaching people how to connect, how

10:12

to connect first back to self so that you can connect to others.

10:15

Like without those two things, this is not an emotionally safe relationship, right?

10:20

If you don't have trust within you, how are you out here trusting other folks?

10:24

Right? And that's the thing that led me

10:27

to Queerly Attached was on this journey of self abandonment.

10:31

I finally heard about attachment styles.

10:33

I was reading a book and I was reading this explanation of

10:36

what an anxious preoccupied attachment style can sound

10:40

and feel and look like. And I saw myself immediately and I was like, oh, damn .

10:45

And it was like that whole story I just told you clicked into view.

10:48

And I was like, oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.

10:52

And it changed everything. Um, I ended up just

10:58

really becoming what I just said is like, I was just an attachment geek.

11:01

Like I just couldn't get enough of it. And I learned how

11:06

our beliefs actually drive us, right?

11:09

Like when you really break it down, like your beliefs,

11:13

whatever they are, whether they're limiting or not, those are gonna lead to a thought.

11:17

And typically the thought then just leads to a feeling.

11:21

And when those three things come up, a belief, a thought,

11:24

a feeling, something engages, and it's usually a strategy.

11:28

It's gonna be a secure strategy or it's gonna be an insecure strategy,

11:30

but you're gonna take action based off those three things.

11:34

So how freaking important are our beliefs?

11:37

Like really , like how important is that then?

11:39

So if I'm walking around believing, um, what I'm not enough,

11:44

I don't matter, these are all core wounds

11:46

that happen when we get hurt, right? If I'm not enough or I don't matter,

11:50

or no one listens to me, I'm gonna believe that

11:52

and I'm gonna see that all around me. All around me. I like have,

11:56

do you struggle with any of those? - Yeah. - Feeling? - I mean, I similar, similar sort of things,

12:01

but I totally understand where you're coming from with that.

12:05

- Yeah. Like if, if you believe that and then you think it

12:08

and then you feel it, yeah, you're gonna have to do something to then soothe

12:11

that whole exchange that just happened.

12:14

Um, that is what I learned to do.

12:16

And, and it has just shifted everything for me.

12:20

Like it, it has actually created this,

12:24

it has felt like alignment where it was almost like I had this disconnect,

12:28

like mind, body and spirit. I believe whole. Like that's what embodiment is.

12:34

And I for sure had a disconnect

12:37

between mind and spirituality. After I left the church, I was definitely just like,

12:41

I don't want any of it. Fuck it all, like, just nothing.

12:45

Um, and so my mind just kind of took over at that point.

12:49

Well then I had a spinal cord injury when

12:51

my son was six months old. It left me paralyzed

12:55

and changed the next 10 years of my life. That moment disconnected me from my body.

13:00

'cause now I believed my body betrayed me.

13:02

I can't trust my body. I will continue to get hurt.

13:04

I've had five back surgeries and I, it's, this is my 10th year since this injury, right?

13:11

For nine years of that, every time around that time of year

13:15

as that thing was coming on, ooh, the feelings, the rage,

13:18

you know, reading the Facebook memories as they came up.

13:22

Like it just March and April.

13:25

Every year is a bad time for me.

13:27

And so when the ninth year came up, I made the decision.

13:31

I asked you this before we recorded. How do you wanna feel about it?

13:33

Well, I asked myself that, how do you wanna feel

13:36

on this 10 year anniversary? And I decided not this way .

13:39

I don't wanna feel it like this 'cause I know what this feels like.

13:42

The anger was so intense.

13:46

And what do you do when you're angry? You start snapping at people.

13:48

Like, it was literally during that time of year, you could see it was driving me these beliefs,

13:53

these thoughts, these emotions around this event. And I read this book and I'm wanna tell you the title of it.

14:00

I'm gonna grab it 'cause I always keep it here. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer.

14:05

This guy basically challenges you to start observing the voice in your head instead

14:09

of listening and believing it. You know what I mean about voices in your head? - Mm-Hmm.

14:15

- That guy that just like, or I always say guy, I don't know why.

14:18

And that voice that just like all of a sudden you realize you are listening to a script

14:21

of something and you're like, what? He encourages you to back up basically.

14:26

And just watch that guy like, who is that? Who is it?

14:29

And be curious about it. Instead of just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

14:32

You start agreeing with it or you start fighting with it. Like you can have whole exchanges in your

14:37

head with these voices. And when you observe it

14:40

and get curious about it, that's when you start

14:43

to find this healing, right? That's when you start to understand like, oh, I can decide

14:47

how I wanna feel about things. That's crazy. Like that really means you're the creator

14:51

of your own piece and that means you're empowered

14:55

to create whatever future you want. So I decided I don't wanna feel like this.

14:59

I wanna feel empowered, I wanna feel confident.

15:01

Um, I wanna not be angry.

15:06

The 10th year came this year and I felt exactly that I achieved my goal

15:12

because of this work that I started doing. I started doing this attachment wound healing.

15:16

I started learning how to not just like have grief, but hold grief.

15:21

I learned that the thing that caused this loss 10 years ago,

15:27

actually I had caused even more loss

15:29

because of the way I was thinking about it. Like, that's wild. Like I caused myself suffering even more.

15:38

That's crazy. Like that is crazy to me. And so I was just like, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

15:41

That's why would I harm myself in this way?

15:43

And changing those thoughts and how I feel about it.

15:46

I stopped calling my leg, my bad leg. I stopped calling my back, my bad back.

15:50

I started calling my healing leg and my healing back.

15:54

I have a pain pump, I have a spinal cord stimulator.

15:56

Those are the things that have me up on my feet. But when I tell you that my pain also has changed,

16:02

I know it's because of this thought. I think about my pain differently

16:06

and my pain feels different. I am a chronic pain person.

16:10

I have pain daily, but thinking about it differently has changed things.

16:15

And I would've knocked myself out two years ago if I'd said that to myself. ,

16:20

it sounds absurd, doesn't it? - I mean a little bit.

16:23

But. Yeah. - The internal work is just so important.

16:27

So I think, you know, kind of hearing that story

16:30

and how your mindset has changed over the past 10 years

16:33

and hearing where you came from

16:36

before that, I wanna go back a little bit

16:38

because you talked about kind of why you originally left the church, why you went back

16:44

to the church, you then got married in the church,

16:48

the leaving process with your co-parent.

16:51

Now what kind of sparked that

16:54

because then your kind of cloak came off

16:56

and you could be the lesbian that you were kind

16:59

of denying.

17:01

What kind of made you get onto that path? - Well, once we left the church, it became this question

17:08

of like, okay, what do we believe about some of these things?

17:11

Right? Like Mormons,

17:14

some Mormons practice what's called the word of wisdom,

17:16

which is like, no coffee, no alcohol, no, right?

17:20

Uh, all these things, right? Uh, we had to ask ourselves,

17:22

okay, how do we feel about that? Right? And he was out

17:25

and he, I think by the second day he is like, I'm gonna go grab a six pack.

17:27

Like we decided pretty quick, we're cool with these things, right? .

17:30

And, uh, so that continued.

17:32

And so I had not been watching any queer content for sure.

17:36

Was not watching anything that was gonna be like bringing that thing up.

17:41

And so, sorry, the reason I love your question is

17:44

because I I, I say to people

17:47

that we talk a lot about coming out and we don't talk enough about being in

17:50

because that really is where the trauma occurred, right?

17:52

So being in was like this suppression, repression,

17:57

like it just was dark. And so having that cloak come off was like, oh,

18:00

I can watch gay shit now like I can do

18:03

and interact with, you know, any of that stuff. And I did. And um, I'm gonna shout out Gentleman Jack,

18:09

which is a HBO show that came out

18:11

and it was about this like legit like 19th century

18:14

lesbian, like straight up. And it was super empowering to watch this like historical,

18:19

there was fiction parts of it, but this, this show about this woman

18:22

who just claimed who she was. And I ended up in a, like a podcast actually like kind

18:28

of community that was about that show and then a bunch of queer folks.

18:31

Um, um, and just being in that community, it almost just was kind

18:36

of like, it just started awakening that thing. Fortunately my co-parent

18:40

and I have always had good communication.

18:44

Like that's something that has always been important to me.

18:47

And being able to connect through conflict

18:51

and instead of contending through conflict, like that's my jam .

18:54

And so we already had a relationship like that. And so as this thing started, I mean, it,

18:59

it just became a question of, okay, what do we feel about these things?

19:02

What do we feel about monogamy? What do we feel about, you know?

19:05

And so opening the marriage always a risk, right?

19:09

But what I love about the way we opened our marriage is that

19:14

we both came at it with this idea,

19:16

we have no control of the outcome. First of all, we know what we hope for

19:20

and we know what we desire, but we are accepting that this may have a different outcome.

19:25

I also love that at the point that we opened our marriage,

19:29

we were doing so well. Like, you would always hear people

19:32

like, don't do it when you're doing bad. And I believe that, like why would I wanna add more

19:35

relationships if I'm already struggling in one? Right? And so we were doing fantastic. It was really great.

19:41

But opening the marriage meant, okay, I can go date and connect with women.

19:45

And the thing I missed most while in my marriage

19:49

was emotional connection. It was what I needed most as an anxious, preoccupied person.

19:54

Emotional connection is so important.

19:57

And we will self abandon quickly when we think

20:00

that there is a loss of self connection

20:02

or of, uh, sorry, of connection with others.

20:05

And so as soon as I kissed a girl,

20:08

basically it was pretty clear. Like, nope. Yep, okay.

20:11

This, yeah, this is more, this was never a phase.

20:13

Y'all, Mormonism was the phase. Like this was not a phase.

20:17

And it wasn't something that was like surprising.

20:20

'cause he knew we'd had had conversations.

20:22

He knew about my past. Like we had had all of those conversations

20:26

that wasn't sprung on him, right? Um, he just, we just continued

20:33

to be, if that makes sense. Like we just allowed each other to be who we were.

20:37

And it hasn't been like without conflict.

20:42

Um, but I don't shy away from conflict.

20:44

'cause I know the connection and self discovery that comes from it, it like,

20:47

it just is more worth it than avoiding it, right?

20:51

I'm not avoiding, like, I'm not avoiding, I'm definitely more on that anxious side now.

20:55

I say I'm securely attached, I've earned it, I've learned it, it's a practice.

20:59

But avoidance size will just not even talk, right?

21:02

We're gonna stonewall, we're gonna ghost, we're gonna just anything

21:05

to avoid discussing feelings and conflict.

21:08

Um, my co-parent, I believe is a secure person

21:11

and that helped as well was he has always just been this

21:14

like, grounding force, if that makes sense.

21:17

Um, so there was never any like, love loss between us.

21:20

We decided that this family that we had built,

21:23

it was still gonna continue as family. And that's what we've done. And he has a partner

21:28

and he is, he is his girlfriend. They've been together for three years.

21:31

And, um, it's, it's just, it's been great.

21:34

It's very like, I guess modern family.

21:37

Um, but, but when we definitely after the okay, opening the marriage,

21:42

it was pretty quick when we decided, okay, like I really am a lesbian

21:45

and we're not going to be together. Right? And I mean, I, I'll say it this way, when I U-Haul,

21:53

uh, my co-parent drove my U-Haul. That's what I say. Uh, I ended up moving to Kansas City

21:58

for a relationship and he was supportive

22:00

and drove the damn U-Haul. So, um, I'm very fortunate.

22:04

Um, I'll say that it takes from both of us just being able

22:09

to show up vulnerably and without vulnerability, you,

22:12

you really can't have authenticity. And when you don't have authenticity, you have a lot of room

22:17

for confusion and chaos assumptions.

22:20

Um, I just see clarity. I just see clarity in my life and, and,

22:24

and make sure that the actions I take align with that.

22:27

- So would you say that the

22:30

good communication foundation that you two had along

22:34

with kind of his support for you being who you are,

22:39

is kind of what led to co-parenting being even possible?

22:44

That it is a good situation.

22:46

You know, your kid can go back and forth very easily

22:49

because you hear so much about co-parenting

22:52

just being so difficult. - Mm-Hmm. It is. It is. And it is.

22:57

I I, when I say that I have a fantastic co-parenting relationship

23:00

that is not me speaking on ease, right?

23:03

It's not always easy, but I accept that as my reality, right?

23:08

Like, when we actually accept our reality,

23:11

then we don't have to deal with the friction of our false realities that we're trying to jam into, right?

23:14

Like , when we don't just accept this is what things are

23:19

and figure out how you're gonna move through that with peace.

23:21

Like you're just, you're just spinning your wheels. And so I don't know if it was like, like I said, he

23:26

and I didn't have an emotional connection. So it's not that we had this, like we didn't have a lot

23:31

of conflict when we were married. The conflict began when, okay,

23:34

we're gonna separate now, what does that look like?

23:37

And we knew it's not gonna look like arguing.

23:40

We had never argued in that way. It's not gonna look like screaming,

23:43

you know, in front of our son. He is never been yelled at in that way, right?

23:46

We decided, like I said, how we wanted to feel about it,

23:49

how we wanted it to look, and then we took action to meet those goals.

23:53

Like it really is just deciding what do I want to feel

23:56

like? You've got to look at your values

23:59

and see if the choices you're making align. Otherwise it's just like freaking like sandpaper

24:03

on your skin for no reason. Like, let's just hurt ourselves.

24:06

Like just, it's silly, but it's how we're taught to deal with things.

24:10

- And so then, you know, you had to maybe say like, come

24:14

to terms with the fact that you are a lesbian and figure out what you know that meant for your future

24:21

and accepting yourself and not continuing to abandon yourself.

24:25

So what were like, how long did that really kind

24:29

of process take you? - Uh, we could probably do it more in therapy session count.

24:34

It took therapy. it took therapy. I really had such a high degree of

24:41

self-hate around it. A lot of shame had been built into it.

24:45

Um, I, I am fortunate that I, I kind

24:48

of feel like I was also born with this sense of like

24:52

the seeking of higher self. I've just always had that. I've, like, even

24:56

before the injury, like I've,

24:58

I've always worked a mental health. I've always done some form of therapy.

25:01

I was a recreation therapist and I worked at the VA I worked with at-risk youth.

25:05

Like I loved my job, right? And then the injury happened and changed everything.

25:09

Um, but this has always kind of been who I am.

25:13

It was the piece with the attachment style. It was the piece with this thinking.

25:16

Those were the things that really made it click. And fortunately all of that lined up with this moment.

25:22

All of it lined up. I read about attachment styles in my

25:24

very first polyamory book. It's called Polysecure. Totally recommend.

25:29

Like it absolutely teaches you about attachment style,

25:31

which you need to know about if you're going

25:34

to engage in relationship, especially if you're going

25:37

to engage in multiple relationships. Understanding how you show up in connection is also gonna

25:42

help you understand how your partner shows up in connection.

25:45

Like, it just, it eases connections.

25:48

It doesn't make it easy. It's just like a way to ease it.

25:51

Because we can see, all right, some of these strategies are looking pretty insecure.

25:56

What was the trigger to that? Right? Every time you get like, let's, like pretend, let's say you

26:02

and I we're, we've been friends for a long time, right?

26:05

And I do something that disappoints you. How does that make you feel?

26:10

- Disappointed and like frustrated, disappointed that,

26:13

you know, you did whatever it was.

26:17

- Yeah. And you probably would talk to me about it, right?

26:20

But first there's that feeling like first you have to deal

26:23

with the fact you were disappointed and that you're upset

26:26

or whatever the word was. You have to first deal with that,

26:30

otherwise you're just skip into the like, healing part.

26:33

But you can't, like, you have to feel the heal, right?

26:36

Like, it really does have to go in that order.

26:38

And so learning those things enabled me one,

26:42

he is absolutely someone who,

26:47

how do you say he kind of jokes that he's just, um,

26:50

it's like a laid back joke. He says something about like, if I was anymore laid back,

26:53

I'd be upside down or something silly. I don't know. He's from Georgia. They got all kinds

26:56

of sayings, , but um, he's just very chill.

26:58

And that helped as well, right? Um, but we just kind of learned

27:02

and did it together as we figured out

27:06

what we wanted it to be. And um, it's been really beautiful. And my son is 11 now.

27:12

Um, so it's been four years.

27:16

And he is obviously very grateful

27:19

and he's very aware that this is a very conscious choice.

27:23

Um, I'm gonna rec one more book. It's called, uh, Conscious Uncoupling.

27:27

Is that what it's called? Conscious Uncoupling.

27:29

It's a great book that will kind of teach you how

27:32

to do this if you are like breaking up

27:34

and there is a need for you to continuing connection if it's

27:36

children or if it's finances, whatever it is, accept the reality that's happening.

27:43

This is happening. You're gonna have to move forward in some way with this person.

27:46

So you gotta figure out what it means

27:50

because what you make it mean matters. What you make it mean becomes the

27:53

belief and then the belief, right? Moves us forward to action. So you decide what it means.

27:57

We always get the chance to decide what something means.

28:00

Make it mean something that aligns with your goal. You're gonna hear me say it a hundred times on

28:03

this podcast when you re-listen. But that is the trick. It's got

28:06

to align with your actual desire. - And so in aligning with your actual desires,

28:11

if you're willing to talk about it, what has your dating life been like since coming

28:17

to fruition about being a lesbian? - Ooh, I love that question.

28:22

Well, okay, I mentioned the U-Haul. Uh, so all of that was being learned right

28:28

as I moved into this relationship

28:30

that U-Haul here to Kansas, right?

28:32

And then continued learning about attachment

28:35

through that relationship. So I have been single now for almost a year.

28:40

And when I talk about that, it's crazy

28:44

because I had not been single since 2006

28:48

and you just heard at least two marriages in there, right?

28:52

And there's a lot of other people in there. I did everything subconsciously to stay in connection.

28:58

I kept myself in connection being single. Like it wasn't like I understood that I was scared of it,

29:03

but I was scared of it, . Um, and so arriving at single,

29:08

but arriving at it with this like learned secure practice,

29:12

oh my gosh, I say I, I'm securely single.

29:15

I'm dating the hell outta myself. My life is not determined on partnership. It just isn't.

29:20

And here's why. Same thing. I'm gonna go back to it.

29:22

When I realized single is here and it's now, I had to accept my reality.

29:27

I wasn't gonna make it mean what it used to mean. 'cause I knew that would just drive

29:29

me down a path that didn't align. So what is it gonna mean?

29:32

Okay, , it means that we're here and how are we gonna deal with it?

29:36

How do you wanna feel in the future? I imagine myself legitimately, I was like, if I were

29:43

to be like on my deathbed and I'm still single

29:46

or I'm unpartnered or whatever it is, I do not wanna lay there and be upset

29:51

and feel like just how inconclusive my life was

29:55

or inconclusive or just knowing

29:58

that if I continued feeling this way about not being

30:00

partnered at the end of my life, it would be determined based off that.

30:04

And I'm not willing to give that control away.

30:06

That's mine to control. Anytime you're gonna like join connection with someone,

30:10

you understand there's another control now in there

30:12

and you don't have control of their control. So I was like, no way. No way.

30:17

I want peace no matter what my relationship status is.

30:21

So started the steps to make that happen. I'm here.

30:24

I feel that way about it. I absolutely, there are things that I miss. Absolutely.

30:29

There are things that, um, make me feel lonely, right?

30:34

But who cares? What do I do? I feel it.

30:36

I let the loneliness feel. I find the thought that it's attached to find the belief,

30:42

you know, and we see the wound, oh shit, this is actually that.

30:45

I, I don't feel good enough.

30:47

I don't think I'm ever gonna find anyone. Like whatever those beliefs are, I'll go find it.

30:51

It's just ano another moment of self discovery. Really.

30:54

It's just like being curious about it. So that's how I've continued just being securely single.

30:59

What I hope for is this. The way I see my life is this path, right?

31:03

And anytime we make a choice, there's these other paths

31:05

that pop up. And also every time you make a choice,

31:09

paths disappear, right? So I know the path and I know what I want to do on it.

31:14

What I hope for is that as I'm walking this path,

31:17

I'm obviously gonna be, I'm very collaborative. I'm, I'm very like, let's gather tribe. I love community.

31:21

I love like just being in groups. So I'm gonna have other people that I see along my path.

31:26

I hope that at some point there will be someone walking

31:29

their own path that I'm like, Hey, look, it looks like we're walking the same way.

31:32

That would be dope. But I don't want anybody like jumping on

31:35

my path or like me jumping off my path to go on their path.

31:37

Like, no, let's just, hey, if we're walking the same way, why not?

31:41

And there's no attachment for me on the longevity

31:44

of relationships now, like it lasting forever is not my goal.

31:49

My goal is to not self abandon

31:51

and to not date people who do. It's not fair. I don't wanna do it. That's not right.

31:57

I'm gonna show up honest and vulnerable. I'm not gonna accept manipulation.

32:02

'cause that's what it is, right? When we people please, we're trying to manipulate, let's be

32:05

for real about it, right?

32:07

We're trying to manipulate what they think about us. I mean it, gosh, just honestly the self-discovery,

32:14

I feel like I, I feel like meeting yourself is

32:17

also like meeting humanity. Like it has made me understand perspectives other than my

32:23

own actually in such a better way. Um, and so when you kind of have that frequency

32:27

and that energy people do, you do draw

32:30

that type of person in. You're also very aware of like what your standards are,

32:34

what your boundaries need to be. Um, you don't just push

32:38

through things when your boundary had been crossed

32:40

or when you're feeling upset, you don't just hide it, right?

32:43

Like you trust yourself

32:47

and you understand that no one else can disrupt your

32:50

peace unless you allow it. That doesn't mean you're a doormat, right?

32:53

We're gonna speak up for ourself. We are absolutely gonna say what our needs are.

32:58

We're absolutely gonna know what our boundaries are. That's creating peace.

33:02

Um, and you get to see when you set a boundary,

33:05

what are these people reacting to? Like how do they react to it?

33:08

And you notice those are the things that you're looking for.

33:13

- And so then as you've, you know, learned your boundaries,

33:17

you've become secure in being unattached

33:19

and you're not abandoning yourself,

33:24

what is it that kind of led you

33:26

to start this business supporting others?

33:29

- Well, what led to it? I mean, I'm gonna just say it real, real is

33:34

after my injury, um, I was put on disability.

33:39

I, my injury took my job from me, right?

33:42

My in here comes the script, right? My injury took my job from me.

33:45

My injury put me on disability, right? Okay.

33:49

I still have pain every day. I'm actually docked for an MRI

33:53

because they think it's time for the fusion. That was true 10 years ago. It's true now.

33:58

Like the fusion is coming, it, I can be upset about it

34:01

or I can accept that as my reality. Being on disability is exhausting. It just is.

34:07

And, uh, you, you just don't, it's just, it's a scary feeling that it's so dependent, right?

34:13

I can't go get a nine to five. I can't.

34:16

Um, and absolutely I would love to go back to school

34:19

to get my MSW and be a therapist, but that's not the path that my life took

34:24

because of this injury. And so what does that mean?

34:27

That means I gotta create my own path. And you know, I've always been a coach.

34:31

I was like, I feel like I was born a coach. Um, I'm also my son's baseball coach right now,

34:36

which is also a dream come true. Like I never would've imagined that

34:40

that could have been possible. Um, and so as I started to understand these principles,

34:46

I went to, um, I got certified in integrated Attachment theory,

34:50

which was a coaching program in 2022.

34:53

Um, I still wasn't ready to coach it yet.

34:57

And it was because I was still doing kind of my own inner,

35:00

I call it research to be honest. I was still kind of figuring out me, anything

35:03

that I coach is something that I've done, right? That's all I coach is it is different than therapy.

35:08

, that's all the coaches is like, oh, you have a goal? Sweet. I have a practice plan.

35:11

Let's show up and practice this together. Um, so that's how Queerly Attached kind of became born was.

35:17

As that last kind of piece fell into place,

35:19

which was the thoughts and the emotions and how to observe the voice, it was like, yeah,

35:23

let's just go for it, man. Like this is a huge leap of faith.

35:29

But I know that my, honestly, I believe that I have

35:33

this inner purpose to teach how

35:37

to connect in healthy ways. I just see it everywhere.

35:40

Obviously I'm in the queer community. I feel like the queer community, I have not said this yet,

35:44

but the queer community is why Queerly Attached exists.

35:47

Everything I just spoke works on no matter what your orientation is, okay?

35:50

But the queer community is dealing with another layer

35:54

of attachment wounds, society rejecting them,

35:57

parents abandoning them, religion, telling 'em that they're wrong, right?

36:01

We have a whole other set of things about attachment

36:04

that is sending messaging all the time, particularly when we're in the closet.

36:07

Okay? That shit gets moved into relationship, chaos, back

36:12

and forth, push pull dynamics, all of that.

36:15

U-Hauling all of it, the back and forth, the breaking up a hundred times,

36:18

and then the repair, that's not really repair. It's so prevalent

36:22

and it's all coming from these attachment wounds.

36:25

And those can be reprogrammed, those can be healed.

36:27

And honestly, it's not that difficult

36:30

because the power is within you. Like it's yours. I'm just gonna cue you into it.

36:35

Does that make sense? Like, it's actually super effective.

36:38

It doesn't take much because the truth is, this is something you get

36:42

to practice every time. You have a feeling every single time.

36:46

And if you're in connection with someone, that's gonna happen often.

36:51

- And so what was it like for you to decide to go out and,

36:56

and start this business? Like we've, we've heard the why, you know, we've, we've kind

37:01

of learned about your path, but then like actually taking the steps to be like,

37:06

I'm gonna start coaching. - So scary. Because you know why so many?

37:12

One of my main limiting beliefs was that I would be like

37:16

fake if I was a coach. Like, you're not as good as a therapist.

37:19

You know why that was a limiting belief? Because coaches aren't fucking therapists.

37:23

Sorry that sound bad. Coaches are not therapists. We're not.

37:27

So yeah, it makes sense that that belief isn't true. So I had to work through that belief,

37:31

but again, I can reprogram my subconscious mind.

37:33

I just can't out will it, right? We can reprogram it.

37:35

We can't out will it because subconscious is constantly

37:37

trying to keep us protected. That's the whole job of it.

37:40

And so starting it was terrifying

37:42

because imposter syndrome number one, right?

37:46

Oh my gosh, like everybody has imposter syndrome.

37:48

I don't feel like we talk about it enough facing up with

37:51

that fear and then also the imposter just coming in.

37:55

That's so much voices. There's so many voices.

37:57

I would not be able to have created Queerly Attached if I was not doing

38:01

this practice in my own life. What I've taken on is extremely overwhelming.

38:05

It can be stressful, right? So I have to know how to deal with these things.

38:09

It, it wouldn't be sustainable if I couldn't. So I, one stayed in therapy. Two, I hired a coach.

38:16

I resourced the fuck outta myself. I knew that starting my own business was gonna bring up

38:20

limiting beliefs and I knew that they would be difficult

38:23

to breakthrough without someone else helping me do it.

38:26

And so I hired a coach, I hired a mentor.

38:29

Uh, these people have helped sustain me through this.

38:33

I am a person, I never wanted to be a solopreneur.

38:36

I also never wanted to be on disability, right?

38:39

I, I was very good at my job as a recreation therapist.

38:43

I had a good government job and I had a baby that was six months old.

38:47

None of that was what I desired, but that is my reality and that is my situation.

38:50

So doing something. So just, this is the scariest

38:55

shit I've ever done in my life. And I do not enjoy social media.

39:00

So basically trying to grow this through social media is also bringing up so much.

39:05

Like it brings up stuff that you just would not imagine.

39:08

And, uh, I'm so glad. Like I honestly, I've always been the person who's like,

39:12

Ooh, that's, that looks frightening and that I may discover myself and I jump.

39:16

Like always. I just, I think that

39:21

the, I feel like the joy that I get

39:29

from being curious about myself, like all the interest I ever had in someone else,

39:33

I'm putting that interest into me and seeing what comes from it.

39:36

And that grounds me.

39:39

Like I, if I, if I understand what it feels like

39:42

to be emotionally safe, I know that I can be safe in connection because I trust myself

39:47

and it will have nothing to do with that other person. I trust myself. If something starts to feel unsafe,

39:53

I'm not going to stay in an unsafe situation.

39:56

I won't self abandon anymore, right? If I'm not, if I'm not feeling this inner

40:00

peace, I've got to do something.

40:02

'cause that's what I wanna feel. So something's gotta change.

40:05

And the trick is, it's you that has to change. You gotta stop waiting on anyone else to do it.

40:09

- Yes, you've done lots of inner work figuring out

40:13

who you are, figuring out what your values

40:16

and mission truly is. Um, so it sounds like you know, a lot of good work

40:21

and putting yourself out there, starting this business is definitely a different journey.

40:27

Now, before I start to wrap things up here at the end,

40:30

is there anything else you would like to share with the listeners?

40:35

- You know, I think what I would share is

40:38

that I think it can sometimes sound like a lot. And if I can give one final takeaway,

40:44

it would be these two pieces, right? It would be the next time you feel triggered,

40:47

pause and take a breath.

40:50

That alone is gonna change the next moment if you can pause

40:54

instead of letting that chain go through, right?

40:56

The belief, the thought, the feeling, the action. Like if you can pause

41:00

and take a breath, take a good breath, inhale

41:03

through the nose, exhale long through the mouth, that's gonna send signals to the body that, hey, we're safe.

41:07

We're got this right? You gotta send that signal.

41:10

'cause otherwise this trigger brings up that part who's like, I got it.

41:13

I'm here from the subconscious. I know what strategy to use to move

41:16

through this moment as fast as possible. We don't wanna do that. Like,

41:20

we don't wanna just be out here surviving. Like that's, that's not it.

41:22

We want fulfilling, thriving, like situations and relationships.

41:25

So pause, take a breath. - That is so important in so many facets of life.

41:34

So many different situations you can find yourself in.

41:36

So I think that's a good, good piece of advice here

41:39

at the end. Now, at the end of all my episodes,

41:42

I do ask my guests a random question.

41:45

So my question for you today is, do you prefer cities

41:48

or rural areas? - Hmm. I like .

41:54

I like the, uh, I'm going into town, kind

41:58

of feel like I'm going into town. I'm 10 minutes outta town.

42:01

Uh, I have had that situation in my life and I absolutely loved it for a moment.

42:05

We lived in Idaho on seven acres, had a view of the Tetons.

42:10

It was gorgeous. Um, yeah,

42:12

I think it would be rural areas for sure. I even lived in an RV for a little time. We loved it.

42:17

So I like to travel. I don't like to be really super tied down, rural, for sure.

42:22

Time to think, space to breathe. - All right, that brings this episode to a close.

42:34

Of course, if you'd like to connect with Kyleigh, her website will be in the description.

42:38

And along with you know, her social, she is Queerly Attached everywhere.

42:42

So that will all be in the description. Her website also brings you to a free attachment quiz.

42:47

If you wanna learn more about yourself

42:50

and soon in the future, she is releasing a podcast,

42:53

which will also be on her website.

42:56

Of course, if you'd like to connect with our podcast, our website is in the description as well.

43:00

It brings you to all of our social media. We are on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

43:04

So if you wanna go like those pages, it also brings you to all of our guests.

43:08

Past social media resources. Also in the description are gonna be the three different

43:13

books that Kyleigh mentions. Those titles and authors will be there if you want more

43:17

research on those topics. If you'd like to be a guest on the podcast,

43:20

my email is in the description. That is always the best way

43:23

to reach out and connect with me. And if you'd like to donate to the podcast monetarily,

43:27

there is a link to do that as well. So thank you so much Kyleigh, for spending time

43:31

with me today and to my listeners for taking the time out

43:33

of your day to hear a new story. Until next time, bye.

43:37

- Bye.