0:04

Pumps. How are you today?

0:06

I'm great, except for the allergies.

0:09

Yeah, I have, like, the worst eye bags in history.

0:13

You're still beautiful. You're such a bitch.

0:16

I mean it. I can tell by that voice you don't mean. I mean it.

0:19

That's your patronizing voice Is that how terrible of a person I am

0:22

that when I pay you a compliment, you don't believe it's actually.

0:26

It's not just how terrible you are. It's even worse than terrible. Wow.

0:32

So why don't you start off with what you've had it with this week?

0:34

What I've had it with this week is people that break through your Do not disturb.

0:40

Why don't you tell

0:42

So I think you're talking about on your phone.

0:45

You can click. Do not disturb. Right. And you put that setting on? Yeah.

0:49

And then what happens? Say around 5 a.m., 5:15 a.m..

0:53

My phone starts blaring and vibrating all at the same time.

0:57

And it's 100% of the time it's you.

1:02

So, audience, here's a little life hack.

1:05

If somebody do not disturb is on.

1:07

If you just immediately start the Psycho dial, Apple

1:11

thinks it's an emergency, which it clearly is clearly.

1:15

And it will start ringing. So the Do not Disturb sign you can actually break through

1:21

and you have to psycho dial I psycho dial pumps.

1:24

So do you want to know what I've had it with? What have you had it with? Android phones.

1:30

Do you want to know why? I know exactly why.

1:32

Because you've got a group text going. Yep. Everything's fuckin fantastic.

1:36

It's blue. It's blue. You can share things, everything's going great. switch.

1:41

And you go to a different group text

1:43

and there's always somebody that's got the fucking android.

1:47

Yes, I agree. And it ruins everything.

1:49

Ruins all of the group text communication in our neighborhood.

1:54

We have a little group text. We do. We have one holdout on an android married to an Apple user.

2:00

Whenever we make plans and need him, we have to do a separate a whole other group to just.

2:06

Yeah, because you can't just normally group text them with the droid you have to do a separate text.

2:11

Do you think these Android users know how bad they're fucking everything up?

2:18

I just don't even know why you'd have it. Android in the age of Apple. Just get an iPhone.

2:22

Just get a fucking iPhone like a normal person.

2:25

Welcome to I've had it podcast.

2:28

I am Jennifer and im pump. you said it.

2:31

I said it. I can't believe I said, Oh my God, this is just how old age is.

2:36

That is wonderful. Well, I want to talk about something that I think is fascinating.

2:44

Okay. You and I could be at dinner and we were at dinner one night at that

2:49

Italian restaurant over in my neighborhood when your friend came in town.

2:52

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're sitting there. You're across from me, Yes.

2:55

And this man walks in to the restaurant, and I look over

2:59

and I immediately know that you are going to eye him up and down.

3:03

Right? I know that you're going to study it. I know that your jaw is going to kind of be on the floor.

3:07

I know, because. Audience, Let me tell you what this guy looked like

3:12

incredibly manicured I mean, like painfully

3:17

manicured. It was ridiculous.

3:20

he looked like a clown had on an ensemble like leather jacket

3:25

with studs. The whole nine, the sideburns with the hat, with the glasses.

3:29

Like, you could tell. He stared in the mirror for like 45 minutes

3:33

before he went up to the neighborhood Italian restaurant. Right.

3:35

And it was just so over the top, too much. I could not take my eyes off it

3:39

because I was like, What the fuck is wrong with him? So as he walks in,

3:43

I immediately know that pumps is going to lose her shit.

3:46

So I I'm like, you know, you see these guys all the time.

3:49

I immediately divert because I know that you're going to be just completely eye fucking him.

3:55

Not in the sense that you want to have sex with him, but just you are not going to take

3:59

your eyes off of him because you had to study each individual outfit choice.

4:03

He was like the fat lady in the tent at the fair.

4:07

Like there was so much going on there.

4:09

I it was like a train wreck, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

4:13

The purpose of our podcast is to completely examine and analyze the data

4:20

that is given to us each and every day when we face other human beings right?

4:25

anyone thats not us and alot of things that we like to study are

4:30

maybe men are not supposed to care about their appearance, but a lot of men do.

4:34

Right. And I don't think that's a bad thing. No, I don't either. But there's degrees.

4:39

Okay. Like I will say this, I admire

4:43

the put togetherness that a gay man has.

4:47

You can never look bad if you're a gay man.

4:50

It's just inherently you look fabulous. Their shit is tight.

4:54

They have it buttoned up. The hair looks good, the complexion looks good, the outfits fantastic.

5:00

Not a wrinkle. Great belt choices, great accessories.

5:04

They have that shit down. And so then you on the opposite end of the spectrum, you're going to have

5:10

just Joe Blow that lives in suburban America or maybe rural America.

5:15

That doesn't give a fuck, right?

5:17

Kind of fluffed up, put on some weight

5:20

very unkempt bad outfit choices

5:24

and then in the middle of the gay and then just the train

5:27

wreck, you're going to have the European

5:31

metrosexual man, the perfect combination.

5:34

for a straight guy. That's right. Right.

5:36

A man who cares about his appearance

5:39

wants to be pulled together and look great.

5:43

But I think there's a lot of humor and comedy in male vanity.

5:47

Absolutely. That we need to explore.

5:49

So we're going to have a guest.

5:52

And I was thinking like, who should we have

5:55

as our guests to discuss male vanity?

5:59

Who do we know that spends an inordinate amount of time and money

6:05

visualizing what outfits he's going to wear for the day,

6:09

what how many times he's going to get his haircut, where he's going to get his haircut.

6:14

And I don't think there's a better person that we can interview

6:17

to discuss the trials and tribulations that is male vanity

6:22

than my baby daddy partner.

6:26

Love of my life, Motherfucking Josh Welch.

6:31

Ladies and gentlemen, perfect. Josh, welcome.

6:34

Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming over.

6:37

Excited to be here today. So excited. Welcome to I've had It podcast.

6:41

I just want to let you in on something today.

6:44

Our topic is male vanity

6:47

and the journey of the metrosexual male.

6:51

And we thought that you would be a fantastic guest.

6:55

Wow. Wow. We don't think it's a bad thing.

6:58

No. Okay, so this is positive.

7:00

It's positive. This is a podcast about positivity.

7:03

Okay. Right. Perfect. Perfect. I fit right in.

7:06

So, Josh, will you share with our listeners, like,

7:09

let's say it's a Sunday night and Monday you're going to go

7:14

you're going to go to work and then you're going

7:16

to go play pickleball in the afternoon.

7:20

And then after pickleball, we're going to go to a light dinner

7:23

with just the two of us because we don't have any friends.

7:26

Exactly. So the day before, how much prior to these events

7:30

do you think and envision your outfit choices?

7:34

Let's start the night before. Okay. That's where it all begins.

7:37

Okay. So I'll go to the closet, right?

7:40

Decide which suit I'm going to wear because I'm working in a law firm now

7:44

for some excellent lawyers. I'm going to see what suit I wear I'm going to match that with a tie I'm

7:49

going to lay it out. I'm going to pull the socks from the sock drawer,

7:53

and then I'll set all of that together so that when I wake up,

7:57

I'm ready to go. So I think about it a lot during the night.

8:01

Very rarely will I ever change, for example, a tie selection

8:05

if I pick it the night before. It's firm for the next. It's firm.

8:08

Yeah. Okay. I have a question. Okay. How many suits would you say that you have in your selection?

8:15

That's a real sore spot for me right now because I'm just recently working

8:19

back in law, so I haven't worn suits on a daily basis for ten years.

8:24

Right? So I only have three.

8:27

And I really hate to even say that out loud, because now people that see me

8:30

are going to say, Hey, I guarantee he's worn that suit again this week.

8:34

And I have, but so I only have three.

8:37

And it's really it's really painful to have to admit, because and they’re all black,

8:41

I have this thing to where I only wear black suits with black ties.

8:44

Are you trying to be Rachel Maddow or what?

8:47

No, I, i, i never

8:50

felt like I dressed appropriately for funerals.

8:53

And so how many funerals do you go to?

8:56

Hardly ever go to any. Okay. So didnt you say that you're putting a ban on funerals?

9:00

I am, but I want to look like I'm going to a funeral, like look serious like that.

9:04

And I saw Roger Federer. He was at Wimbledon. Now, now we're getting to the bottom of it.

9:08

Okay. He was wearing a black suit and black tie.

9:11

And I thought, what a classic look.

9:13

And you can wear it to a funeral. You can wear it to a courtroom.

9:16

You can wear it to center court at Wimbledon, center court, Wimbledon.

9:19

So I don't want the Navy. I don't want the tan. I don't want Burgundy.

9:23

I don't want any of that shit. I just want a black suit.

9:26

I noticed a couple of days ago and I didn't want to tell you this

9:29

at the time, because if I say one thing about your outfit

9:33

in the moment, I know the tailspin that it can send you on for your entire day.

9:38

But you had on kind of it was like a yellowish mustard metallic

9:41

lookin tie that I thought was a very interesting choice.

9:47

I try to very the color of the tie a little bit.

9:51

I mean, I can't. Did you feel good about it?

9:53

I kind of like that tie. Okay. I did.

9:55

I mean, it's not one of my favorites, but so back to the original question.

9:59

We could talk about black ties until you lose every single viewer and listener that you had

10:06

so long as we're talking about what you're wearing. Exactly. So we don't want to do that. So

10:12

my attire and how important it is to me starts the night before and then I wake up and take a shower,

10:19

put on what I'm going to wear, and then I think if I'm playing pickleball that day, what am I going to wear for pickleball?

10:24

So then I'll pick that outfit out after pickleball.

10:28

Then there's what I call loungewear.

10:32

That's for when I get back and shower and I'm just going to lounge around

10:35

the house with Jennifer and we're going to get take out and and be together. For that

10:40

I normally do a pair of cotton, J.Crew shorts,

10:43

maybe some James perse bottoms that are that are real nice.

10:46

Pima cotton. I do a real soft t shirt for that too.

10:50

I want the listener and pumps to know

10:54

that sometimes he puts on the Loungewear outfit.

10:59

Mind you, the only people that are seeing it are me, our youngest son, Roman, the child

11:04

that we still have the remains at home and the French Bulldogs.

11:07

Right. He'll put on his loungewear outfit and I'll see it.

11:11

And then three or 4 minutes later he disappears and he's done

11:15

a costume change in Loungewear on the Loungewear because I look in the mirror

11:20

and for some reason I don't like how it looks, even though I know

11:23

not one fucking person is going to see me.

11:27

Other than Roman or Jennifer, it's important to me that I feel good.

11:31

So I may change the shirt. He may change.

11:34

He does a costume like a pajama costume change. Do you hang it up again?

11:37

Or do you put it in the dirty clothes? Fold it no I'll fold it.

11:40

Okay. It's only been on for a short period of time.

11:42

We could be on a trip. Let's say we're in London and it's 8 p.m.

11:46

and we're starting to get into bed. We go to bed early, wake up early, and he will look over at me

11:52

and he'll be like, What are you going to wear tomorrow?

11:55

And I look at him and I'm like, I have no idea.

11:58

And he said, What are your options? I said, Well, whatever

12:01

I brought in the suitcase. He goes, Well, you need to be thinking about your outfit.

12:04

Do you want to know what I'm going to wear? And he knows it.

12:07

And then if he puts on his outfit and he'll say, Hey, what do you think of this?

12:12

If I don't react positively with a huge, effusive smile

12:17

immediately, that motherfucker will go change outfits.

12:21

If there is any thing that he thinks

12:25

about the outfit that is not taking it over the finish line,

12:28

that's not going to be this big aha moment for all of these strangers to see him in.

12:34

And by the way, I knocked it out of the park

12:36

the last trip to New York and London, I have no doubt.

12:40

But let me say wait hold on. I got to say something to

12:43

Jennifer. You know I love you, but you are the worst.

12:48

Like I have to be Team Josh on this one

12:50

Your face gives everything away.

12:52

she’ll Give you the side eye on. Yes. Oh, you're wearing that tonight? and you're an up and downer

12:56

if I walk in like I had these white pants on the other day,

12:59

I had a camel toe, which I didn't know. Oh, my gosh.

13:02

I couldn’t take my eyes off of it And she is this is how she's doing.

13:05

She's looking like she never makes eye contact.

13:08

She's looking straight at my crotch. And I said, Do I have camel toe?

13:11

She's like, Yes, it looks terrible. Let me ask you this.

13:13

Does a camel, is it a camel's toe?

13:17

Camel toe. Right. But does the camel's toe look like what the. Yes.

13:21

Yes, they look exactly. Yeah. It's exactly what Angies looked like in white jeans.

13:25

It looked like a white camel toe. So she comes in and I mean, it is a very well-defined camel toe.

13:32

She comes in, she trots in and she's like, Hi, Jenny, how are you?

13:36

And I mean, it was so obvious I couldn't take my eyes off,

13:39

not even a greeting like Hi. Apparently im the asshole, but I wasn't the one.

13:43

But I will say this. I am I.

13:47

I'm terrible. Okay? I am a horrible person about I have no poker face.

13:54

None. None. I mean, I completely have to check out outfits,

13:58

look things up and down, and I wear my emotions about it.

14:02

I have tried to bring self awareness to this.

14:06

I've been trying for years. I can't do it.

14:08

You have a high probability to get camel toe.

14:13

Yeah, I just. You need to be on camel toe alert at all times.

14:16

At all times when you stand up, when you sit down you need to look at your twat,

14:21

see if there's a camel toe and you need to be vigilant.

14:24

you need to do five kind of bending exercises

14:27

in the mirror. And if you pass all of those, you can then leave the house.

14:31

In that particular pair , you need to be vigilant about camel toe prevention.

14:35

All right, Because I have had it with your camel toe

14:41

Let's move on to your hair. Perfect.

14:48

Speaking of perfect, mean the perfect conversation.

14:51

couldnt have transitioned better if I tried.

14:53

Tell us about your theory, about how blessed you are,

14:59

what a blessed blessing it is to have the type of hair

15:03

and the head of hair that you have at 53 years old.

15:06

Well, let me start by saying this.

15:08

I'm very, very ashamed

15:12

that for years I filmed a show on national television

15:17

and wore this fucking ponytail on the top of my head that look like bam

15:23

bam from the Flintstones, and that you two allowed it to happen.

15:28

And I go back and I'll see an excerpt or a rerun or I'll Google myself.

15:33

Oh, and when I do that,

15:38

I see this glob of I don't know what.

15:42

And I'm like, Why did that happen? How did you girls let me.

15:46

wear my hair like that. I demanded I don't I want everyone to know that the entire time

15:51

you did the whole bam bam, that you asked me to put it up

15:55

And I said, No, I won't do it. It was a knot on top of my head.

15:58

I look like a sumo wrestler.

16:01

There's there's one image

16:04

that you see if you Google me where I'm getting coolsculpting

16:08

and I've got circles around my boobs and I've got my hair pulled up

16:12

and I look like a fucking serial killer.

16:15

thats been released on a weekend jail spree.

16:20

But let's let's, let's talk about how you have evolved.

16:25

Well, I was I was building up to that. So that's where I was four or five years ago.

16:29

Right. And for those of you, would you call that rock bottom, right?

16:32

Absolutely. Hair, rock bottom.

16:35

The only thing that may have matched it was the hair

16:39

in my fifth drug treatment center.

16:44

But that's for another story. For those of you that are looking now at me, you're probably

16:48

thinking, fuck, what has happened to this man

16:52

that is not the same person I watched in 2019.

16:55

What did he do to make himself look so

16:58

damn good?

17:02

And here's what I did want to be crystal clear about this.

17:05

Number one, I lost some weight and then I realized, looking in the mirror,

17:10

that that God awful massive fucking hair I had on my head looked horrible.

17:16

Horrific. That it was a wonder that Jennifer stayed with me, not just during the relapses.

17:23

I'm more concerned about the hairdo.

17:25

I mean, like. I mean, the relapses are nothing but to relapse and have that hairdo

17:31

and still be able to maintain your marriage

17:34

is the most impressive thing about me yet.

17:38

I didn't think that in the moment. I didn't think it was bad, the man bun. I did.

17:42

But I did. Here's the thing. I didn't think it was that bad until I saw just how fucking good this hairdo.

17:50

Now this is your best And that's what

17:52

showed me how bad it was, because now I look at myself and it's incredible.

17:55

AUDIENCE My husband has a photo album in his phone

18:01

and it is labeled Hair and you pull it up and you go through a series of Brad

18:06

Pitt, Bradley Cooper and Tom Brady.

18:10

This is what I'm up against. I want to say that recently I've added George Clooney.

18:14

Do you want to know what he asked me Dead serious last week?

18:17

Oh, God, we're in the bathroom getting ready and we both weigh ourselves

18:22

a couple times a week. Josh hops on the scale, weighs himself,

18:25

and he goes, God, this is fantastic, because he was at his goal weight.

18:28

And he looks at me dead serious, straight face.

18:31

And he said, Do you think if I hopped on that scale with a full erection,

18:35

I would weigh more?

18:38

Oh, absolutely. I mean, at least 5 pounds

18:42

I think the blood is still all in the body, regardless of where it is.

18:46

I think I think there's I don't want to say 3 to 4 pounds, but maybe 1 to 2 pounds.

18:51

I want to segway on to - perfect.

18:53

Josh, how do you feel about other human beings

18:58

friendships and bro time?

19:02

Well, I think that there's a lot

19:05

of unnecessary interaction

19:09

between people that are best friends, between people

19:12

that are in the same family. So recently you received some some texts,

19:17

some like group texts, people telling you what a great friend you were

19:21

and how happy they were that they had you in their lives. And.

19:26

Yeah, and. And how did you feel when you received those texts?

19:30

Let me say I've received a couple of texts that I found interesting.

19:34

One was in a group of 20 plus people,

19:38

and it was typed in a way that the person was saying,

19:41

Hey, we're all getting older, things are happening.

19:44

I want everybody in this thread to know that I love em. something like that,

19:48

something like that, which is super, super sweet.

19:52

It made me wonder, Hey, is this person sick?

19:54

Is everything okay? But anyway, and the second text was

19:59

was from someone who I think is a very, very sweet person.

20:03

And I would say that we're friends.... acquaintances, friends?

20:08

And I got a text from him thanking me for our friendship.

20:13

And it made me think maybe I was one of about 30 people that he sent it to

20:18

and that he just there was a copy and paste or something

20:21

because it wasn't a group, it was an individual text.

20:24

And how how frequently do you talk to this person other than the Thanksgiving Day text?

20:29

How many times per year? How many communications? as far as phone conversations, zero.

20:36

Is it safe to say that you've had it with unnecessary interactions?

20:41

I've had it with unnecessary interactions, but more importantly, I've had it

20:46

with these gatherings of people, even if they're best friends.

20:49

I've had it. I don't want a brunch, I don't want a buffet, I don't want a dinner.

20:55

I don't I don't want a small group.

20:57

I don't want any kind of road trip.

21:00

I just don't want any of that. What about okay, just for an example,

21:05

let's say this 20 group 20 individual group text.

21:09

You know, I love you guys. I want you to know it's all great, that you're so great to the whole group.

21:15

But then said in the same text, Josh, I want you to know

21:20

your hair is so fantastic then that then I would want to be in the group a lot more

21:27

and I would do a psycho research analysis

21:31

on who all is in this group and whose phone numbers are these.

21:35

So, listener, I want you to think about all of the products

21:41

that you have in your personal homes right now for your hair,

21:45

for your teeth, for your skin.

21:48

And then I want you to multiply those products times about 500

21:53

and you might be in the ballpark of how many products

21:58

it takes for Josh Welch to make himself look this good.

22:03

That's right. That's 100% right.

22:05

Why don't you share with the listener your beauty regimen

22:09

and your shopping tips for great products?

22:14

It starts in the shower.

22:16

I have a facial cleanser that I use.

22:20

I have a different body wash that I use.

22:24

So the face wash and the body wash are divided, divided - they’re separate things.

22:29

Yeah, They're not not the same thing thats pretty normal.

22:32

Not for all men. I have a shampoo and I have a conditioner.

22:37

Once I get out of the shower.

22:39

My big thing right now that I'm really excited about are different types of serums.

22:46

S E R U M S for the listeners, serums.

22:50

There's all these sort of anti-aging oxidants involved in these serums.

22:54

How many different types of sea salt spray do we have at our house right now?

22:59

I think I have about between 15 and 18.

23:05

And what's the sea salt supposed to do? OH, he’s obsessed with it.

23:09

It makes your hair feel like you've been swimming in the ocean.

23:12

It gives it texture, makes it feel firm, like look you see my hair

23:15

Right now, it's kind of firm and it just feels crisp.

23:20

Let me feel it.

23:23

Oh, it kind of does. Would you rather

23:26

go on a trip with

23:28

Dylan and Roman and me. But not a big time trip.

23:31

We're talking to Dallas overnight, but the four of us in the car

23:35

having fun, Lots of family bonding.

23:38

Or you could fly solo to New York to David Mallett Salon

23:43

and get a haircut by Vincent and come back all by yourself.

23:48

Well, I mean,

23:50

tell the truth, truth serum, polygraph.

23:53

You know, you brought the kids into it.

23:58

So unfair? Yeah. you could have just you, and it’s a slam dunk

24:02

but you had to bring the goddamn kids into it just ruins the whole thing,

24:07

because then, you know, no one's going to be that asshole.

24:09

Right? Right. And I've been trying my whole life not to be that guy.

24:13

Right? But you’d go to get your haircut by Vincent

24:16

we've gotten through the 15 to 18 sea

24:19

salt sprays in our house right now, but let's move on to the cologne.

24:23

Josh and I were in New York. This is before our second son was born.

24:25

This probably 2005, we went to the U.S. Open, the tennis tournament.

24:29

Josh and I are on the elevator together, but we're standing on opposite

24:31

sides of it. This guy gets on the elevator, joins us, but he can't tell that we're together

24:37

because I'm on one side. Josh is on the other.

24:39

Josh is getting off on like the second floor to go talk to the concierge.

24:43

And I'm going down to the first floor to get a taxi.

24:46

So Josh hops off. Josh and I don't say a word to each other. He gets off.

24:50

We had already pre discussed what we right do after Josh hops off the elevator

24:55

on the second floor and I'm alone with the stranger for the ride from the second to the first

25:00

and the guy looks at me he goes “gah, you think that guy had on enough cologne?”

25:06

I immediately act like I don't know Josh

25:09

And I go, oh I know. That was terrible.

25:12

I threw him under the bus Immediately because it was, I couldn't defend it.

25:17

I wasn't going to be like, Hey, that's my man.

25:20

You know, I was immediately like, I know it's the worst. She did.

25:24

I threw him under the bus and it was bad

25:27

because it is cologne abuse. in small quarters like that

25:31

It's not Let me tell you what happened to me the other day.

25:33

We're getting ready and he gets the aerosol version of the sea salt spray.

25:37

And he sprays so much god damned sea salt spray

25:41

and the bathroom doors closed and there's just aerosol everywhere.

25:44

I get some of it like lodged in my throat, and I'm like, I'm just hacking.

25:50

and I go, what the fuck did you just spray? And he is like, It's my sea salt spray.

25:53

But for Josh, like, one is good.

25:55

70 is better, right? That's the personality type that we're dealing with here.

25:59

It's like, for example, and this is my good friend

26:02

from college used to say this all the time. Josh, you're the kind of guy that when you walk into a room,

26:07

if you're hot and you want it cold, you take it from 72 down to 60.

26:14

You don't do 72 to 68, 72 to 70.

26:18

It goes all the way to 60. Accelerator or brake

26:22

That's right. And I'm still learning, obviously.

26:24

So if anyone meets me and you smell an odor, I'm trying to do better.

26:29

But overall, if you if you want to go to the YouTube

26:33

channel just to see what I look like, I think you're going to see a vast improvement from

26:39

what what I used to look like. I'm just I'm really glad that, you know, with the five rehab stints

26:46

and various other failures in your life,

26:49

that the one thing that you have kept

26:52

intact is your self esteem and self-confidence and narcissism.

26:56

I mean, that is really commendable.

26:59

I use humor as a way sometimes to laugh instead of cry.

27:03

Right. But it has been an intense journey

27:06

for me and my family and friends.

27:09

And I love each one of you dearly.

27:12

I love my children dearly. Except for the texters. Well, I love the texters.

27:16

You just don't understand. I just you know, I just I'm not there with it, but I'm starting to be

27:23

have you had it? I'm trying to be open minded. I have had it.

27:26

I want to say. Josh, thank you so much.

27:29

Thank you for joining us.

27:31

And we love you. And make sure if you want to follow Josh, it's @JoshWelch_

27:37

on Instagram and make sure you like and subscribe to our podcast.

27:42

Pumps, What do you say?