0:00

Give a little time for the child

0:02

within you. Don't be afraid to be

0:04

young and free. Undo the locks and

0:06

throw away the keys and take off

0:08

your shoes and socks and run you.

0:11

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's

0:13

radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Our

0:15

thanks to everyone who became a member of

0:17

Maximum Fund during the Max Fund Drive,

0:19

Jordan. Thank you. We love you. Indeed.

0:22

You know what? As

0:24

Stan Lee would say, nuff said.

0:26

Nuff said. Hey. Hey, Max

0:28

Fund members. This one's for

0:30

you. Hit it. And by

0:33

hit it, I mean we're going to do

0:35

the podcast. Oh, great. Yeah, we're not going

0:37

to do a musical number. We're just going

0:39

to do the same podcast we do. Did

0:41

you see, you know how sometimes we come

0:43

into the office and there's a weird box

0:45

on my desk? I do know. I look

0:47

forward to the weird boxes, seeing what's in

0:49

them. Yeah. We get a lot of mail

0:51

here at the office because I'm a public

0:53

radio host. Right. So usually if a box

0:55

comes, it just has a bunch of James

0:57

Patterson novels. Sure. Or like sample

0:59

tote bags in case anyone's like, if

1:01

you need a new tote bag distributor.

1:03

Exactly. Imagine how lovely your logo would

1:06

look on this handsome tote. It's not

1:08

because they think James Patterson is going

1:10

to be booked on to public radio.

1:12

It's because when James Patterson has a

1:14

book, they send one to everyone they

1:16

know. Right. Everyone on the list gets

1:18

a James Patterson book when the new

1:20

James Patterson book comes out. You ever

1:22

crack a Patterson? I've never cracked a

1:24

Patterson, although my boss, when I worked

1:27

at Borders Books and Music, once

1:29

told me when I was

1:31

in my hiring process, he

1:33

said, everyone here really loves books.

1:36

And then he turned and showed

1:38

me his collection of hardback James

1:40

Patterson novels. I

1:43

wish Patterson nothing but the best. Oh, sure. I

1:45

think I read one of his books in

1:47

high school about an iceberg. Oh.

1:49

Yeah. Was

1:51

the iceberg some kind of detective? I

1:53

don't know. All I remember is the

1:55

iceberg. Uh -huh. Okay. I don't remember the

1:57

texts of books. I remember how they

1:59

made me feel. I wonder how just

2:01

made me feel like it was about

2:03

an iceberg. I am fascinated

2:06

by a - We'll get into this box

2:08

in a second. Yeah. I'm fascinated by

2:10

these dudes that just write 10 books.

2:12

Just read in a row in six

2:14

months. Yeah, sure. Yeah, Stephen

2:16

King. Who else just writes 10

2:18

books? Authors of erotic minotaur

2:20

fan fiction. Yeah. I mean, not fan fiction,

2:22

I guess I should say. I guess

2:25

although they they are fans of minotaurs. But

2:27

they're also full -scale professionals. Right, yeah. It's

2:29

their own IP. Like it's a passion

2:31

project, but it's a paid passion project. So

2:34

anyway, there was a weird box on my desk. Yes. Let's

2:37

talk about this box. Sometimes

2:39

it's just somebody's homemade

2:41

rapcore album. I mean, nerdcore

2:43

rap album. Sometimes it's

2:45

somebody's homemade comic books. I

2:47

always like to see those things. Thank you for sending

2:49

them to me. But

2:52

you can't come on bullseye, sorry. But thank

2:54

you for sending. I love that people are out there

2:56

making things and thinking of us. You know what I

2:58

mean? I mean, if there's one thing I love more

3:00

than making, it's thinking. Yeah. There's...

3:04

I like stinking. Well, yeah, I

3:06

know. I've been in the booth

3:08

with you, Jesse. Okay. I've been

3:10

in the booth with you. So

3:12

on my desk was a box

3:14

and it was, I'm going to

3:16

say grotesquely swollen. Okay. Does that

3:18

seem like an okay? Sure. Yeah.

3:20

Yeah. It was as though it

3:22

had been left in a basement

3:24

that flooded. Okay. That kind of

3:26

vibe. Or it was like maybe

3:29

full of evil. Yeah. It was

3:31

like wanting to escape. That was. You

3:33

know, anxious to burst free. Steven says

3:35

to me, oh, well, I heard about

3:37

something you're obsessed with and I've always

3:39

wanted to get one of these for

3:41

someone. I open the

3:43

box. Inside

3:46

is

3:50

this Olaf. We've revealed

3:52

Olaf from Frozen. Is

3:54

that like an airplane pillow? I

3:57

think it's like... Is that an in -flight

3:59

Olaf? Yeah, it's like a pillow

4:01

pad that you can like... hug

4:03

at night or wow jesse he's

4:05

hugging he's stroking he's giving a

4:07

little kiss oh my gosh i

4:09

kissed olaf on the way steven

4:12

are the cameras on are we

4:14

rolling on this oh we got

4:16

it this has to go right

4:18

to only fans this can't just

4:20

go up on social media this

4:22

olaf has not left my mind

4:24

for 10 years? How long has

4:26

Frozen been out? Yeah. I mean,

4:28

yeah, sure. It's been a while. Yeah,

4:31

that seems about. So wait, so you, where

4:33

was the first time you saw this Olaf, Steven?

4:35

I feel like people were just sharing Frozen

4:37

memes, you know, Tumblr and just

4:39

the pillow pet, but kind of more in

4:41

like a walking animal position, like a

4:43

bear. And it just kind

4:45

of has been in my, the photo

4:47

of that has been in my

4:49

phone for a decade. So I wanted,

4:51

but then when I learned, when

4:53

I learned Jesse loves Olaf. do love.

4:55

I love, well, Josh Gad was

4:58

on Bullseye the other day. It will

5:00

be released soon. But I interviewed

5:02

him the other day and Stephen found

5:04

out about how much I love

5:06

Olaf from Frozen. I love Olaf from,

5:08

I like Frozen. I love the

5:10

songs and I love Olaf. I'm

5:13

not a sister, so I don't

5:15

relate to that part directly. Sure. But

5:17

I like Frozen, but I love

5:19

Olaf. He's my favorite of

5:21

the comic sidekicks of animated

5:23

films because his whole character is

5:25

about us knowing that death

5:28

exists and he doesn't. This particular

5:30

Olaf being a pillow with

5:32

a head. Looks like he's being

5:34

melted. Oh, I was going

5:36

to say has been dismembered. Perhaps

5:38

by the mob. Yeah, it's

5:40

really terrifying. He looks like a puddle

5:42

of Olaf, like a square puddle of Olaf.

5:45

Yeah. Where just his head is there

5:47

and he just has his classic. Blinkered

5:49

ignorance. Yeah. I don't mean to suggest

5:51

that he's racist or something. He just

5:53

doesn't know that death is coming for

5:56

him. Sure. That's the main

5:58

thing of Olaf. Well,

6:00

yeah, that's beautiful. Now, Stephen, am I

6:02

right? Is that for airplanes? Is

6:04

he a neck pillow? I don't know

6:06

if he could. for children. Yes,

6:08

probably. I think it's for children. Who

6:10

are pilots. Yes, yes. Yeah. So

6:12

it looks cozy, though. Beautiful. Yeah. It

6:14

feels like thank you so much

6:16

for thinking of me, Stephen. Of course.

6:18

It's nice. Yeah. It's nice to

6:20

have like, if you're like, I've got

6:22

a thing. I mean, we all

6:24

know you, Jesse, your famous thing is

6:26

Olaf. Yeah. It's nice when you're

6:28

a guy and you have a thing

6:30

that has so much merch associated

6:32

with it. You are just going to

6:34

get. douched by olaf stuff for

6:36

the next five years this is like

6:38

when j keith van stratton had

6:40

that uh bad bad bots maru themed

6:42

bathroom right exactly i was thinking

6:44

i believe his uh now wife i

6:46

think then fiance Asked him

6:48

to limit it to like eight

6:50

Bad Bad Botsmaru items. Right. Yes.

6:53

He had like hundreds of Bad

6:55

Bad Botsmarus lining every wall of

6:57

his bathroom. I think

6:59

I'm going to end up with an

7:01

Olaf bathroom now. Please do not send me

7:03

Olaf things. Thank you, Steven. Sorry. Others

7:05

do not. I got in

7:07

first. Feel free to continue to send me

7:09

little videos of Capybaras doing funny stuff.

7:12

I'm on board for that, but I can't.

7:14

I can't have any Olaf items. an

7:16

avalanche of Olaf. Sorry, Jesse, this is your

7:18

life now. I just think that it's

7:20

funny. He's to be digging yourself out from

7:22

a pile of Funkos. That he doesn't

7:24

know that he's going to die. I

7:27

always think to myself, God, I

7:29

wish my relatives were into the Beatles.

7:31

Like every time I need to

7:33

buy gifts for my family, which can

7:35

be kind of challenging. Like my

7:37

family members don't have these distinct interests.

7:39

Like I don't have someone who's

7:41

just like, ah, you know, my

7:43

thing. It's Garfield. Not even

7:45

like golf or fishing or something? No,

7:47

not really. So yeah, I have to

7:50

just think of thoughtful shit to get

7:52

family. God damn it. I know. And

7:54

I'm just like, I wish they were

7:56

into the Beatles. There's so much Beatles

7:58

stuff. There's so much. And some of

8:00

it's really cool. I could just get

8:02

Beatles stuff for everybody if they were

8:04

just into the fucking Beatles. Yeah. There's

8:06

new Beatles stuff all the time. Yeah.

8:09

Anyway. I mean, there's two Beatles still.

8:11

Sure. And they're still cranking

8:13

out Beatles adjacent stuff. New remasters.

8:15

I can get people remasters. You know

8:17

what? If they got all the

8:19

Beatles albums, get them a Billy Preston

8:21

album. Sure. There you go. The

8:23

fifth Beatle, some said. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

8:25

think Pete Best had any albums. No,

8:28

I don't know. Yeah, we'll see.

8:30

Who knows? Our guest

8:32

on the program. Yeah. Known

8:34

as the sixth Beatle. One

8:37

of our favorite comedians and podcasters from

8:39

the Jackie and Lori show. Lori Kilmartin.

8:41

Hi, Lori. Hi, guys. Thanks for having

8:43

me. It's great to see you. It's

8:45

great to have you here. We have

8:47

recently determined on the program that you're

8:49

probably faster at swimming than Jordan. I

8:51

just want to get that out there

8:53

in case it's been weighing on Jordan.

8:55

I don't like it's going to be

8:57

fine. No. We're just going to get

8:59

it out there. There's no way. Lori's

9:01

faster than Jordan. No, there's no way.

9:03

But I do love that Jordan is

9:05

a grown man with the child swim

9:07

hair. Like, you only see

9:09

that kind of curls on a young boy

9:11

who swims all the time. And you

9:13

are a full man with them. So that's

9:16

sort of interesting. Thank you. I'm the

9:18

first adult Precious Moments figure. That's

9:21

my vibe. Grown up

9:23

alcoholic Precious Moments figure. Yeah.

9:26

Lori, do you have a? Do you

9:28

have a thing people get for you?

9:30

Are you like into, you know, angels

9:33

or the cubs or something like

9:36

that? And in fact, whenever I

9:38

get a thing, I think, how

9:40

do I get rid of this?

9:43

I think since I had to like

9:45

de -thing my parents' house after my

9:47

dad died, I was like, I

9:49

don't want any stuff anymore. Like, I'm

9:51

just trying to get rid of

9:53

stuff. So whenever I buy something now,

9:55

I'm like, how long is this

9:57

going to last and how am I

10:00

going to get rid of it?

10:02

It sounds to me like you're a

10:04

sort of reverse Olaf in that

10:06

you're hyper aware of your own death.

10:08

very ready to die at all

10:10

times, especially driving here to this location.

10:12

A lot of people don't know

10:14

this, but there really are two poles.

10:17

On one pole, Olaf the snowman.

10:19

On the other pole, the Notorious B

10:21

.I .G. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

10:23

Yeah. So I don't have no,

10:25

no, I don't have a thing,

10:27

a good gift thing to get me.

10:29

If either of you guys wants

10:31

to get something for my Aunt

10:33

Martha, she does love puffins. That's

10:36

perfect. I mean, puffin might be a

10:38

little challenging. You probably can't just like. sprint

10:40

into a target and grab a puffet

10:42

thing if you need a gift. It was

10:45

a lot easier in 1989. I feel

10:47

like 1989 was really peak puffin in American

10:49

popular culture. You could just go down

10:51

to any nature company and get yourself a

10:53

few puffin items, send them to Aunt

10:55

Marty. Like after a few, don't you get

10:57

sick of item? Oh, I don't think

11:00

she wants them. No, no, no. She doesn't

11:02

want them. It's just a lazy way

11:04

of thinking of someone. Right, right, right, right.

11:06

Yes. Puffin

11:08

at 89, and it'll be

11:10

Puffin until she dies, right? Yeah,

11:12

100%. Yeah, just like for

11:14

me, it's kiwi -strawberry -flavored things in

11:16

89. Kiwi -strawberry -flavored things for

11:18

the rest of my life. And

11:20

I'm movie -starring Australian comedians? Yeah.

11:24

Wow. Late 80s stuff. Or sun -dried tomatoes.

11:26

Or sun -dried tomatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:28

I guess since I have become, since

11:30

getting my cat. You know, 12 years

11:32

ago, I have become like a vocal

11:35

cat weirdo. And so people get me

11:37

a lot of cat stuff. I get

11:39

a lot of like cat dad socks

11:41

and stuff like that. And you know

11:43

what? I like it. I'm into it.

11:45

Listen, I would would I prefer someone

11:47

get me a thoughtful gift? Sure. Yes,

11:49

absolutely. But if you just need to

11:52

like. Get me some crap for my

11:54

birthday. I'll take the cat crap and

11:56

I'll have a lot of fucking fun

11:58

with it. No. I guess I prefer

12:00

to someone to run errands for me,

12:02

which is not anything anyone wants to

12:04

do. They'd rather get you a muffin.

12:06

Yeah. Exactly. Give me a

12:09

gift certificate for task. I kind

12:11

of like an errand. I like a

12:13

classic errand, especially since most of

12:15

my work has been like from home.

12:17

Yeah. Like I'm like. Oh, man,

12:19

I got to go to the post

12:21

office today, picking up dry cleaning,

12:23

returning library books. I love a classic

12:25

errand. I love those things a

12:27

thousand percent. They're great. All I want,

12:29

all my wife wants to do

12:31

is dig herself a little hamster style

12:33

hole in a pile of newspapers

12:35

in our house and eat a piece

12:37

of cheese. And all I want

12:39

to do is go on errands. My

12:41

wife knows that she can give

12:43

me any errand and I will gladly.

12:45

Oh, my God. Yeah. I didn't

12:47

know that a person like that existed.

12:49

Oh, yeah. It's people who want

12:51

to be outside their homes. know what's

12:53

fun? Picking up a prescription. Love

12:55

to pick up a prescription. Oh, God.

12:57

My mom had the wrong child. He

12:59

should have been her son. What a

13:01

shame. What are the errands that you

13:04

hate, Lori? Right now, I have a

13:06

swimsuit that is stretched out. So I

13:08

need to clip the straps and have

13:10

them sewn tighter, like two inches off

13:12

the straps. So I have to bring

13:14

that to the... seamstress, I

13:16

guess. Oh, that's one of my

13:18

favorite errands. I'd love to go

13:20

to the seamstress. Mina,

13:22

that's my seamstress. Get

13:24

a little ticket for when you're going to pick

13:26

it up. Yes, exactly. I had to drop a

13:29

suitcase off because one of the wheels was wobbly. That

13:31

was an errand I ran. I did that

13:33

recently. Ooh, I loved it. I went to

13:35

the luggage repair guy. Yeah, I

13:37

do try to repair all my

13:40

stuff instead of just throwing it away.

13:42

So it's a lot of going

13:44

to the shoe guy or the seamstress.

13:46

So far you've listed, for me,

13:48

exclusively errands where a Korean -American person

13:50

will yell at me. Man,

13:53

did that luggage repair man,

13:55

his friendliness just really came out

13:57

as yelling. Our seamstress is

14:00

Armenian, so she's very pleasant. And

14:02

also I have a backpack

14:04

that I'm trying to add new

14:06

straps to it and a

14:08

second backpack where the buckle broke.

14:10

So I ordered buckles on

14:13

Amazon and all. I'll have

14:15

one buckle to fix and I'll have

14:17

nine leftover buckles for to fix backpacks for

14:19

the rest of my life. Let me

14:21

ask you this, Laurie. Yeah. On

14:24

this backpack repair, are you going to

14:26

be working with the luggage and shoe

14:28

repair person? you going to be working

14:30

with the seamstress on that one? Seamstress,

14:32

different group. Okay, because she's just sewing

14:34

the webbing. Yeah, I bought some new

14:36

webbing, new straps, and she's going to

14:39

sew those straps on. And then I

14:41

bought the buckles, and she'll put that

14:43

all together, too. I had this drapery

14:45

project. When I moved into my house,

14:47

I had this great idea. To make

14:49

curtains for all my windows. Yourself?

14:51

Make them yourself. No, no, no.

14:53

Okay. No,

14:55

no, no. But it

14:57

was my conception of it. I

15:00

just can't sell. Right. But I

15:02

did like, like I went on

15:04

the internet and I got someone

15:06

to tell me like how to

15:08

get a wholesale account with like

15:10

a window. treatment hardware company

15:12

that, you know, only sells to

15:14

the trade or whatever. So I did

15:17

that and I ordered all this

15:19

window hardware treatment stuff and put all

15:21

that together. And then I had

15:23

this idea I'm going to take. like

15:27

like linen tablecloths like white linen

15:29

i have a friend who's a

15:31

textile dealer you know like a

15:33

like a junk textile dealer i

15:35

bought all these beautiful linen tablecloths

15:37

and i had the idea i'm

15:39

gonna like frankenstein these together and

15:41

line them with drop cloths and

15:43

make curtains out of them and

15:45

i took them all to my

15:47

seamstress she said she didn't have

15:49

a sewing machine heavy enough to

15:51

go through the drop cloths oh

15:54

and i fucking fell into

15:56

a tailspin of course i've been fucked up

15:58

over this for three years i got all

16:00

these boxes of shit i can't figure out

16:02

who else to bring it to i brought

16:04

some of them i finally thought i had

16:06

it fixed i'm like i got this shit

16:08

licked because i was driving to the park

16:10

and i saw an upholstery place and i

16:12

thought a fucking upholstery guy can do this

16:14

yeah so i brought the shit to the

16:17

upholstery guy didn't hear from him for like

16:19

a month Then I finally call him. He

16:21

said, you didn't call me. I'm like, well,

16:23

you're supposed to call me. That's how this

16:25

works. He didn't call me.

16:27

And I said, he said,

16:29

OK, well, I can do it

16:31

now. And I'm like, OK,

16:33

great. And then he put the

16:35

curtain backwards from the he

16:37

lined the he lined the drop

16:39

cloths with linen instead of

16:41

lining the linen with the drop

16:43

cloth. Oh, no. Yeah.

16:46

So now I got all these curtains that

16:48

are fucking backwards. And I

16:50

had to give him $300 or

16:52

something, you know, $200. I don't

16:54

remember. Some stupid amount of money.

16:56

And now I still have the

16:58

same like Costco bins full of

17:00

textiles sitting on my porch. And

17:02

I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. I'm

17:04

so emotionally trapped. So you refuse

17:06

to get rid of the curtains? What

17:09

am I going to do? I don't want to

17:11

just throw them away. I know. I have the

17:13

same feeling. That's why I try not to get

17:15

anything. Because once have to throw

17:17

it away, I'm like, where does this go? Is

17:19

it going in the ocean? All right, I'll just

17:21

keep it till I die. And then my son

17:23

can put it in the ocean. Beautiful antique tablecloths. I

17:26

don't know what to do. I don't know either.

17:29

Maybe just leave your house. Just run away.

17:31

Sure. I think I should just go

17:33

to the woods. Go to the woods. I

17:35

should burn down my house and dig

17:37

a hole in the woods to live in.

17:40

This is great. Somebody else might want

17:42

those curtains and that person might move in

17:44

and start squatting in your house. That's

17:46

a really good idea. Somebody might want them

17:48

and they might want to squat in

17:50

my house, Jordan. Sure. Yeah. I mean, good

17:52

squatters are defined. to solve any problems

17:55

that you guys have. Will you guys help

17:57

me dig the hole? No,

17:59

no, no. It's your

18:01

hole, buddy. Okay. Dig your own hole.

18:03

That's what my dad always said

18:05

before he disappeared into that hole. Lori,

18:10

I think people would probably love to

18:12

hear what it's like to write for the

18:14

Academy Awards, which is something you did

18:16

recently. It was super fun. Yeah, cool. Hell

18:18

yeah. It was great, too. Conan hosted

18:20

it. He was really funny. It was like

18:22

a super funny Oscars where everything was

18:24

great and fun and not weird. Crushed. Yeah.

18:26

It was great. You know,

18:29

what was a cool idea

18:31

about having Conan host the Oscars?

18:33

It was like, what if

18:35

we had a funny person host

18:37

the Oscars and make funny

18:39

jokes? Right. Wild.

18:41

Wild idea. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't

18:43

realize like I was just working

18:45

on a monologue, you know, and

18:47

so I wasn't aware of all

18:49

the little pieces of the show

18:51

until the dress rehearsal. And

18:54

I then, you know, he had

18:56

a bit with Adam Sandler. He

18:58

had a song and a dance

19:00

and a choreography and, you know,

19:02

dancers with him, though, like from

19:04

Taylor Swift's tour. And he had

19:06

to learn all that. And then

19:08

he had that foreign language bit

19:10

where he had to learn phonetic

19:12

Mandarin and phonetic Spanish and Hindu.

19:15

Hindi? Hindu. Anyway, it was like it

19:17

was so much. I was just like

19:19

only focused on my jokes and I'm

19:21

only thinking about my jokes. And it

19:23

was just wild to see how much

19:25

he had on his plate, especially for

19:27

the monologue. He had so many different

19:29

elements of the monologue. He had the

19:31

jokes and the Adam Sandler thing and

19:34

the dance and the song. And then

19:36

he sort of had a little heartfelt

19:38

moment where he talked about, you know,

19:40

what L .A. had been through. It was

19:42

really incredible. jobs

19:45

where you have to write a

19:47

thousand monologue jokes since the Conan show

19:49

ended like in between, or was

19:51

this like three years later or whatever

19:53

it is? And you had to

19:55

start, rebuild the skill of opening a

19:57

newspaper and writing 10 ,000 jokes about

19:59

every word. Yeah. Whatever it is.

20:02

I don't know what you're talking about.

20:04

Sorry. I'm talking about the trades in this

20:06

case. Um, yeah, I

20:08

just, it was so, I have to tell

20:10

you, it was so all of us, we

20:12

hadn't. Most of us hadn't. It's just there's

20:14

no jobs right now, you know. Right. And

20:16

I should mention you were a monologue writer

20:18

on The Conan Show. Yeah, for like 11

20:20

years. For years. And a big part of

20:22

the staff for the Oscars was folks who

20:24

had worked on that show, right? Yeah, yeah,

20:26

yeah. So we got to reunite, a lot

20:28

of us. Oh, cool. And we just were

20:30

so happy to be working together and, you

20:32

know, pitching jokes every day. And just it

20:34

was so fun. It felt so great to

20:36

get right back into it. It didn't take

20:38

long at all, you know. To get in

20:41

the swing of it. When you went to

20:43

dress rehearsals and stuff like that, do you

20:45

need to be in a gown or something?

20:47

Not for the rehearsals. We had to wear

20:49

a formal dress for the Oscars. And so

20:51

I wore a tux because they provided tuxes.

20:53

Oh, cool. And they had lady tuxes, too.

20:55

Oh, awesome. So it was kind of fun. But

20:58

there was a rehearsal on

21:00

Saturday and a second rehearsal on

21:02

Sunday before the Oscars on

21:04

Sunday afternoon or 4 o 'clock. A

21:10

lot of people at stand -ins,

21:12

you know, and then Ariana Grande

21:14

and Cynthia Erivo sang both times

21:16

at rehearsals. Oh, wow. And I

21:19

was like, whoa, I'm just, I

21:21

didn't even, I thought Ariana Grande

21:23

was her stand -in. And I was

21:25

like, she looks so much like

21:27

Ariana Grande. And then she started

21:29

singing. I'm like, yeah, she could sing. What a

21:31

cool gig. This going to be working forever because

21:34

Ariana Grande is like, what, under 30 or something?

21:36

And then I realized it was

21:38

her. And it was so wild to

21:40

be like 20 feet from them

21:43

while they sang in a nearly empty

21:45

theater for, you know, the few

21:47

people that were hanging around for

21:49

that rehearsal. was like chilling. I feel

21:51

like it's really important to note

21:53

that everyone in this room, I

21:55

think, has reached the point in their

21:57

career in the world of entertainment

21:59

where they're not looking at Ariana

22:02

Grande and thinking, what a cool job

22:04

it is to be Ariana Grande.

22:06

We're looking at a person we

22:08

believe to be Ariana Grande's professional stand

22:10

in and thinking, oh, my God,

22:12

now there's a job. Yes, exactly. the

22:15

gig. That's the dream. I

22:17

think they were, Ariana and Cynthia were

22:19

at one dress and then maybe not

22:21

the second one. You know who was

22:23

at both of them was Margaret Qualley,

22:25

who was a dancer in the, she

22:27

was also in The Substance. She played

22:29

the young Demi Moore in The Substance.

22:31

But she was a dancer in the

22:33

James Bond tribute. And she was there.

22:35

She was like on it for both

22:37

rehearsals. She was great. That was really

22:39

surprising, too. That James Bond dance. I

22:41

loved it so much. I loved that

22:43

it was like. And I know you

22:45

didn't write the dance, Laurie. I'm not

22:48

complimenting. a dance

22:50

writer. To dance your way

22:52

through James Bond's history. So brilliant.

22:54

She wrote Whoop, There It Is, which

22:56

is what they danced to. Sure,

22:58

yes. That is a classic Bond thing.

23:00

Yes. The opening to Die Another

23:02

Day. Whoop, there it

23:04

is. But I

23:06

loved I loved what I just like

23:08

down the middle kind of corny as

23:10

Oscars thing that was like, yeah, let's

23:12

dance our way through the history of

23:14

James Bond. Cool. And show clips. Awesome.

23:16

But also what was funny to us,

23:18

because when I saw it, it was

23:20

really cool. Right. But when we heard

23:22

about it, it was like. They just

23:24

did a James Bond tribute like three

23:26

years ago. It's like we're doing another

23:28

one. It's not like an anniversary on

23:30

the fives or the zeros. It was

23:33

like the 53rd. I think it was

23:35

Amazon just bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

23:37

A tribute to Amazon buying some IP.

23:39

Yeah, exactly. And then the song seemed

23:41

like the least interesting. We just know

23:43

that. That's all you need

23:45

to know, right? And so it just

23:47

seemed kind of. Kind of lame when I

23:49

heard it. And then when I saw what

23:51

they came up with, I was like, oh,

23:53

this is crazy good. This is really

23:55

great. Did you write any

23:57

jokes for the Oscars that didn't

23:59

or couldn't go on the Oscars?

24:01

Oh, a ton. That you wish

24:03

that. Not in

24:05

the sense that you are complaining that

24:07

they didn't go on the Oscars because

24:09

you are professional, but rather in the

24:11

sense that you'd like to share them

24:14

with us now so that we hear

24:16

about them. No, I don't have any

24:18

to share with you now. But I

24:20

will say that I went all in

24:22

on the Pope dying. Us

24:24

having to address that. We had

24:26

to do a conclave joke. And it's

24:28

like the one we had is

24:31

great. It was Skylar Higley's. The

24:33

one about it's something it's like a movie

24:35

about the Catholic Church. But don't worry, it's

24:37

not, you know, it's not weird or something

24:40

like that. Right. And

24:42

but I was like, well, if

24:44

the Pope dies, then we that

24:46

jokes out. And I want to

24:48

be ready. Right. And I figured

24:50

because he was 88 on a

24:52

ventilator. Who comes off a ventilator

24:54

at 88? Yeah. Frickin Pope does.

24:56

Yeah. He just so liberation theologians

24:58

liberated from that. Was

25:00

there like. party stuff afterwards are you

25:02

like i just worked for you

25:04

know 16 straight fucking hours i want

25:07

to go home um the governor

25:09

ball the governor's ball was afterwards and

25:11

i brought my son as my

25:13

plus one so he sat in the

25:15

i don't know and your son's

25:17

a huge fan of governors right yes

25:19

yes and uh so he's a

25:21

pete wilson guy a lot of great

25:23

governors out there he's got all

25:25

the trading cards He

25:28

loves Jerry Brown. Sure. So

25:30

he he everyone had a plus one

25:32

and I'm the only one that brought

25:34

my child and everyone else brought their

25:36

spouses, mostly wives and husbands. So my

25:38

son, do you know Dan Cronin? It

25:40

rings a bell. He's a comic and a

25:42

comedy writer. He was one of the writers.

25:44

So my son went with his wife and

25:46

they sent us a picture and they look

25:49

like they're going to prom. That was so

25:51

great. Dan's like, my

25:53

wife has another man. He

25:55

brought a corsage. It's over for

25:57

me. That was so cute. So he

25:59

sat with all them and then

26:01

we all went to the governor's ball

26:03

afterwards, which is just upstairs. The

26:07

Dave and Busters. Yeah. So

26:09

you go up five flights and the

26:11

governor's balls there. And my son's a

26:13

huge anime fan and he wants to

26:15

be an animator. And so and he

26:17

was obsessed with flow way before anyone

26:19

heard of it. And he made me

26:21

obsessed with flow. And I was the

26:24

big flow head. And I kept pushing

26:26

flow. And everyone's like, you know, probably

26:28

inside. Inside. Llewyn Davis.

26:30

What? Inside Lou and

26:32

David. Yes. Inside

26:34

the actor's studio. No, Inside

26:37

Out too, right? And Wallace

26:39

and Grandma. Yeah,

26:41

Flo was an upset

26:43

or a surprise. Yeah, yeah.

26:45

Not upsetting, but surprising. There's

26:48

some upsetting stuff in there. I haven't seen

26:50

it yet. I got to see Flo. I

26:52

know. Flo is one of those things like

26:54

as a noted cat weirdo, people have been

26:56

telling me about Flo for about a year.

26:58

Jordan, it's got a fucking capy bar in

27:00

it. Yeah. Imagine my life. I got to

27:02

do it. I got to do Flo. Guys,

27:05

it's really great. And so one of

27:07

the. There were five animators that won

27:09

the Oscar for Fireflow. So one of

27:11

them was really tall with Jordan -like hair,

27:14

with kind of crazy hair. Wow. So

27:16

you go swimming without a cap, too?

27:18

I have no idea. It's from Latvia,

27:20

possibly. I mean, they're crazy. Yeah, you

27:22

can't get a cap on those Latvians.

27:24

And I was told by another writer,

27:26

oh, we ran into them and they're

27:29

here in the governor's hall. I

27:32

was just on the lookout for a

27:34

big guy with crazy hair. And we went

27:36

up to a couple of the wrong

27:38

guys. You're like, out of the way, Schwarzenegger.

27:41

And then we found him and we started following him

27:43

around. And he kept doing all these twists and

27:46

turns. And my son's like, it's OK. And I'm like,

27:48

no. We

27:50

got up, I poked him on the

27:52

back and I said, hey, hello. And

27:54

so he met my son. I took

27:56

a picture of my son. He let

27:58

my son hold his Oscar. Cool. And

28:00

like my son's like, he's still vibrating

28:02

from all that. So that was like

28:04

a really cool mom moment to provide.

28:06

And then we were near Coleman Domingo

28:08

several times. Oh, yeah. Coleman Domingo of

28:10

Sing Sing. Incredible. He was surrounded by.

28:13

people so you'd have to be

28:15

like a real asshole to like

28:17

burst into a circle so we

28:19

just didn't i just like was

28:21

there's there's coleman then i turned

28:23

around another time he was near

28:25

me and i thought well you

28:27

know what he's just my guardian

28:30

angel tonight our college friend nathaniel's

28:32

mother was an animation director oh

28:34

wow and he got to go

28:36

as a teenager to the emmys

28:38

and I remember just the look

28:40

of like the stars in his

28:42

eyes, even when we were 21

28:44

years old. Yeah. Talking about he's

28:46

like, I saw Aretha Franklin sing

28:48

at the end. Like

28:50

totally life changing. You got to do a

28:52

really cool thing like that for your kid.

28:54

Yeah. And I and I told him, I

28:56

go, you don't know who a lot of

28:58

these people are. And you're going to realize

29:00

later you were you saw Mick Jagger live.

29:02

You saw you were, you know, seated above

29:04

Oprah Winfrey. And it doesn't mean

29:07

anything. He doesn't know who the

29:09

Rolling Stones are. I'm sure he'll find

29:11

out. As an anime fan, he

29:13

would have been impressed if you could

29:15

introduce him to Pikachu. Yes, or

29:17

She, She, She, She. That's his favorite

29:19

band. It's a Japanese band. But

29:21

yeah, he has very specific interests that

29:23

are not movie related unless they're

29:25

animations. So he's very into that. So,

29:28

yeah. Have you watched

29:30

anime stuff with him? Are you trying

29:32

to get into it? Yeah, I've

29:34

watched a lot with him. We just

29:36

finished watching Orb. Have you heard

29:38

of it? I have heard Orb's good.

29:40

I'm a very occasional anime person.

29:42

I need it recommended to me 10

29:44

times before I try it. But

29:46

I've heard Orb is great. Orb's great.

29:48

There's this one called Blue Lock

29:50

that we watched a couple times. And

29:52

it's basically a competitive soccer anime.

29:54

We're the best soccer players in Japan.

29:57

you know, try to play each other

29:59

to be the best striker and they

30:01

have a psycho coach. Are they... fictional

30:03

best soccer players or is this like

30:05

when Ken Griffey Jr. and Bo Jackson

30:07

had their own cartoons? Yeah, sure. Fictional.

30:10

Whatever they called. What was that cartoon

30:12

called? All Stars. All Stars. All Stars.

30:14

All Stars team. Yeah. I missed it. Wayne

30:16

Gretzky in that, I believe. Michael Jordan.

30:18

Yeah, yeah. Maybe Charles Barkley.

30:20

All the best. Yeah. Jesse,

30:23

is your kid still anime

30:25

focused or? Yeah, anime has.

30:27

Faded a little bit recently

30:29

in favor of Dungeons and

30:31

Dragons. I've been on the

30:34

receiving end of a lot

30:36

of Dungeons and Dragons content

30:38

lately. I've expected to participate

30:40

in a Dungeons and Dragons

30:42

game. Oh, okay. That involves

30:45

somehow their math tutor. Jesse,

30:47

are you hearing that? That's

30:49

our listeners creaming their jeans.

30:51

I know. You hear that

30:53

squishing sound? It's fucking jeans.

30:56

No, I think that squish

30:58

was a gelatinous cube from

31:00

Dungeons & Dragons. Oh, he

31:03

said it! Oh! Yeah,

31:06

so I guess I'm going to

31:08

end up, but I watched some

31:10

of, oh, what's the fucking one

31:12

where everybody is like, there's like

31:14

all these different guys and they

31:16

all have a weird superpower? That's

31:19

most of them. Yeah, but each guy

31:21

has his own special superpower. It's a

31:23

special, weird, special superpower. Jujutsu Kaisen. They're

31:25

all different fighters and they each have

31:27

their own fighting power. Yeah, that is

31:29

a lot of them. Yeah. Have you

31:32

heard of Attack on Titan? I've heard

31:34

of Attack Titan. That's of the most

31:36

famous ones. I tried Attack on Titan

31:38

and like noped out at a certain

31:40

point when there were a couple of

31:42

episodes that were just a military trial.

31:45

Oh, yeah. But I really liked a

31:47

lot of the stuff. I

31:49

bounced at a certain point, but

31:51

it's really, really cool. We've talked

31:53

about it on the show before

31:55

to see people fighting these kind

31:58

of naked giants. Yeah, it's grotesque.

32:00

Yes. But once you can get

32:02

over that, it's really great. It's

32:04

so many allegories to Nazi Germany

32:06

and different groups being segregated. And

32:08

then then they make you flip

32:10

your sympathies. Pretty soon you're

32:12

writing for the giant naked. You're writing

32:14

for the giant naked guys. You're pro

32:16

giant. Well, I was always rooting for

32:19

them because I wanted to get a

32:21

peek at the old. They look like

32:23

naked babies and they don't have genitals.

32:25

Sorry, Jesse. But yeah,

32:27

they flip the point of view from

32:29

season two to three, I think.

32:31

OK. And you're like, no, no,

32:33

no. I hate this guy. And then

32:36

you find out the backstory and

32:38

you're like, oh, OK,

32:40

I get it. I get it.

32:42

I feel like the anime is

32:44

that my child has shown me. have

32:46

taken the form of a

32:49

list of things more than anything

32:51

else. The

32:53

narratives maybe is that the things

32:55

fight each other at some point,

32:57

but mostly it's sort of Pokemon

32:59

-like in that it's just a

33:01

list of characters and their qualities.

33:03

And each one of the characters

33:05

is neat looking. Oh, yeah. That

33:07

is the main thing I would

33:09

say that the shows I've seen

33:11

have going for them is that

33:13

I can understand the appeal of

33:15

there being 200 different guys, each

33:17

of whom looks different and neat.

33:19

Yeah. But they will take an

33:21

entire episode just describing things, just

33:23

like showing you characteristics of the

33:25

things. You feel a little bit

33:27

like you're watching Wild America. I

33:30

know. I got very into

33:32

Jujutsu Kaisen, which is guys

33:35

with powers who fight each

33:37

other. And there are

33:39

a couple episodes just devoted to them

33:41

explaining what power beats what power. And

33:43

I'm like, oh, if I was 12,

33:45

this would be all I cared about.

33:47

What power beat what power? Yeah, yeah. So,

33:50

yeah, I get it. I watched a

33:53

little bit on YouTube the other day. I

33:55

went when my mother moved

33:57

to Richmond, California from San Francisco

33:59

a year or so ago.

34:01

She lives in Richmond now? She

34:03

lives in Richmond. Oh. And

34:06

I went to I went

34:08

to her basement and like

34:10

pulled some shit out of her

34:12

basement to not sell. Right. And

34:15

one of them was I had

34:17

this sort of big vase full of

34:19

little toys that I had had

34:21

since childhood, like little. Ding -dongs and

34:23

what's -its, little toy cars, things like

34:25

that. And in there were

34:27

all my muscle men. Yeah, muscle

34:29

men. Lori, you're probably not quite

34:32

in the target. Neither you nor

34:34

your son. This will fall in

34:36

between your target demographics, I think.

34:38

Right, right. I already sense it,

34:40

but yeah. They were these collectible

34:42

figurines that were sort of rubbery

34:45

and were three inches tall, let's

34:47

say. And each of them was

34:49

a weird, fantastical, professional wrestler. They

34:51

mostly were pink, although if you

34:53

were really fucking cool, you had

34:56

some of the neon colored ones.

34:58

And if mom's not looking, you

35:00

could chew on them. Yeah. You

35:03

could chew on them. Sure.

35:05

Muscles stand for millions of unusual

35:07

small creatures lurking everywhere. And

35:10

the real fucking...

35:14

Just the absolute dream was to

35:16

be like my babysitter, Darius

35:18

de Belgadere, who had the poster

35:20

that showed every muscle. Yeah. That

35:23

was the fucking dream because they came in

35:25

little packs like four or five. Anyway,

35:28

turns out. I've given

35:30

so much information right now that

35:32

my brain's exploding. Darius what? Darius

35:34

de Belgadere. That's an incredible name.

35:36

I know. That's why I said

35:38

his whole name. I understand. I

35:40

don't know. I don't know. Does

35:42

Darius de Belgadere listen to the

35:44

show? Probably not, but you know

35:46

what? My friend from high school,

35:48

John King does, and I think

35:50

he's friends with Darius DeBelgadere. you

35:52

go. He can relay the message.

35:54

Probably will relay the message. Name

35:56

is cool. But I found out

35:58

that muscles were Japanese and were

36:00

based on a Japanese professional wrestling

36:02

anime where all the fucking muscles

36:04

fought each other in professional wrestling

36:06

matches. So I watched some... the

36:08

professional wrestling on YouTube was in

36:10

Japanese, so it didn't mean anything

36:13

to me, but I liked seeing

36:15

them come to life. It

36:17

is, yeah. You're

36:20

like, that's my contribution to anime. Did

36:24

you collect anything as a kid, Lori? Did you

36:26

have a little kid collection? Or

36:28

have you always been anti -stuff?

36:30

I don't remember that I collected

36:33

anything. I mean, I had,

36:35

of course, a David Lee Roth

36:37

poster, of course. I

36:39

did have a Chrissy Hynde

36:41

Pretenders poster. I

36:43

collected gold medals when I

36:45

swam. Yeah, that's right. What

36:48

was your event? You

36:50

know, when I was like a kid

36:52

in rec, it was 50 breaststroke and 100

36:54

IM. And then I went AU and

36:56

it was longer distances and everything kind of

36:58

fell apart. What does IM stand for?

37:01

Individual medley, fly back, breast free. So

37:03

100 IM is like one lap

37:05

of each stroke. And then if you

37:07

watch the Olympics, you'll see the

37:09

longest one is at 400 IM, which

37:11

is two laps, two Olympic laps

37:13

of each stroke. It's really brutal. What's

37:15

your top stroke? Breast stroke.

37:18

It's the toughest one. Classic stroke. the toughest

37:20

one. I think fly's tougher. You think breaststroke

37:23

is? Oh, never mind. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

37:25

You're right. This is like... Lori

37:27

and I see each other occasionally at

37:29

the pool. I'm part of this class.

37:31

No, you're on a master's team. On

37:33

a team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I

37:36

don't like to say it because then people assume I'm

37:38

good and then they ask me to swim and I

37:40

disappoint them. Do you compete? Do you do me too?

37:42

I've done it a couple of times. I'm not... So

37:45

I'm there for the friendship and the

37:47

good vibes. I don't win. But it's fun

37:49

to do sometimes. Because it's nice. Nice

37:51

to be around all your little swim friends.

37:53

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eating apples. Yeah, sure.

37:55

Chopping it up. Sure. Is that a swim

37:57

food? Apples? It's just, you

37:59

know, something that's there at the meets. They

38:02

have just, you know, grill bars, apples. My

38:04

mom packs me a lot. Yeah, chops up

38:06

some apples, slices them. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Thanks,

38:08

Gail. Yeah, thanks, Gail. Gail loves to chop

38:10

an apple. With

38:13

that class, swim -specific

38:15

jokes kill, and the

38:17

coach can always get

38:19

a laugh going like,

38:21

all right, everybody, everybody's

38:23

favorite, 400 IM. Everyone's

38:25

like, ah, that's not

38:27

our favorite. It's hard. I love

38:29

it when just a specific joke

38:31

can kill with that crowd. Oh,

38:33

sure, yeah. Anyway, it's always kind

38:35

of a delight. Was it always

38:37

swimming? Was there ever another pursuit? Yeah,

38:41

it was pretty much swimming. Yeah.

38:43

And then I. No horse period.

38:46

I did not. I could see

38:48

you riding a horse. Only in

38:50

the pool, like one of those

38:52

diving horses from a circus in

38:54

the 30s. just watched the Christopher

38:56

Reeve documentary and that will keep

38:58

you off a horse gang. Oh,

39:00

I don't know, because my wife's

39:02

childhood best friend had that happen

39:04

to her. She was thrown from

39:06

a horse and came very close

39:09

to being killed. She was

39:11

like a trail guide. So

39:13

she would ride with, you know,

39:15

people that were not experienced

39:17

horse riders. Right. And she got

39:19

thrown by a horse that

39:21

got spooked by another horse that

39:23

was being ridden by a

39:25

person that didn't know how to

39:27

ride a horse or whatever.

39:29

Oh. And very nearly died. Equine

39:31

therapist now. Equine therapist got

39:33

a master's degree in horse riding.

39:35

So she she's a therapist

39:37

for horses or for people who

39:39

fall off. She's a therapist

39:41

for neurotic horses. Really? No. She's

39:43

a therapist for people who

39:45

have emotional challenges that need a

39:47

therapist, but do it on

39:49

horses. Riding and caring

39:51

for the horses is part of the therapy process.

39:53

Nice. Did she wear a helmet? Was she

39:55

wearing a helmet when thrown? I believe she was

39:58

wearing a helmet, yeah. A similar thing happened

40:00

to me. I almost choked on a buffalo wing,

40:02

and now I'm an appetizer therapist. Let's

40:04

take a break. We'll be back in just a

40:06

second on Jordan Jessica. It's

40:21

Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am

40:23

Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan

40:25

Morris, boy detective. We're

40:27

also supported this week by our friends

40:29

at Factor, who make delicious meals

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Yeah, sure. They'll send you a meal

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40:41

You could send it there. Yeah. Here's

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Podcast to get 50% off

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plus free shipping on your first

41:57

box. It's

42:12

Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's

42:14

radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Lori Kilmartin,

42:16

mother for, I don't know, four or more

42:18

months. And then my son graduates from high

42:20

school. And then you're just going to. Absolutely.

42:23

Out of here. Yeah. Dust off

42:25

your hands. Have fun at community

42:27

college. anymore. Yeah. He'll

42:29

be fine. Sure. I won't have

42:31

to answer any more questions. Yeah. Your

42:33

child is going to college locally.

42:35

Your child's not leaving your home ever.

42:37

I know. Are any of

42:39

our children? My children aren't. It's

42:42

expensive. How are they going to? Our

42:44

friend, friend of Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm

42:46

sure friend of yours, Lori. I love

42:48

Al Madrigal. I haven't seen him in

42:50

a long time, but he's great. San

42:52

Francisco legend, Al Madrigal, graduate of St.

42:54

Ignatius Preparatory Academy. Wow. Al called me

42:56

the other day. Actually, I called Al

42:58

for some help. I wanted to talk

43:00

to him about George Lopez because George

43:02

Lopez was coming on Bullseye. And Al

43:04

was on the TV show with George

43:06

Lopez. Did you need a strategy? I

43:08

just needed to know more about what

43:10

George Lopez's deal was. Yeah. He's got

43:12

a lot of deal, as it turns

43:14

out. I spoke to him. Everyone listen

43:17

to or watch my interview with George

43:19

Lopez because there's a lot of deal

43:21

with George Lopez. He's overflowing with deal.

43:23

Yeah. Anyway, so Al

43:25

and his wife, Kristen, were in

43:27

Big Sur or something. And

43:29

Al starts telling me, oh, yeah, it's

43:31

great. My kids are at college. So

43:33

we're in fucking Big Sur, Jesse. And

43:35

I'm like, oh, that sounds great. And

43:37

and then he goes like, he goes

43:40

like, hey, man, how old is how

43:42

old is Gracie? I'm like, oh, she's

43:44

13. He's like, oh, that's not very

43:46

long. How old is your

43:48

youngest? I'm like eight. And he goes,

43:50

so 10 years, you got 10 years,

43:52

buddy. And I was like, Al,

43:54

your wife is our children's educational

43:56

therapist, was our children's educational therapist. Like

43:59

with what's going on in my

44:01

house, I was like, I got 50

44:03

50. With each of the three,

44:05

which means that at best I have

44:07

a 12 and a half percent

44:09

chance. If I'm doing the math correctly,

44:11

that's a 12 and a half

44:13

percent chance that I will ever be

44:15

able to go to Big Sur. Do

44:19

you have post mom shit

44:21

you're looking forward to? Well, yeah,

44:23

I mean. It's

44:25

weird. Just like yesterday, my

44:27

son went to the movies. He saw two

44:29

movies back to back and I was like alone

44:31

in the house. And I was

44:33

like to both of it, two movies

44:36

back to back and being alone in the

44:38

house. Those are great. I did not

44:40

know what to do with myself. I have

44:42

so reoriented myself to make sure he's

44:44

OK. Right. That when I won't have to

44:46

do that, I. I

44:48

keep thinking I'll be so great, but

44:50

I actually feel quite lost. And I'm

44:52

like, I need to come up with

44:54

a new personality or a new way

44:56

to. Maybe you should go into show

44:58

business. Maybe I'll start

45:00

doing stand up comedy. I mean, like

45:02

of all the parents I know. Right.

45:04

You work on the you were on

45:06

the road. You were doing stand up

45:08

and you had a day job and

45:10

you were building taking care of your

45:13

kid into all of that. Like that

45:15

is a such an easy opportunity. to

45:17

lose track of who you are. Yeah,

45:19

I really have. It's true. Like I

45:21

do have a fantasy of living in

45:23

Europe for a year and just doing

45:25

stand up there. And just if I

45:27

could pay, like just cover my bases,

45:29

you know, just pay my rent or

45:31

whatever it was and just take a

45:34

train to different places. There's tons of

45:36

English speaking stand up in like France.

45:38

And so for a while, our friend

45:40

Rob Bedeker of the San Francisco sketch

45:42

comedy group, Casper Hauser, total, total comedy

45:44

genius. Was living in

45:46

Mexico City because he and another

45:48

one of the Casper Hauser guys are

45:50

those like high powered corporate trainers

45:53

that like teach executives to do improv

45:55

and stuff. Oh, wow. That's my

45:57

understanding of it. OK. I know that

45:59

he is a very successful professional

46:01

and he seems to do improv. So

46:03

between those two, that's how I

46:05

understand it. Oh, wow. But he was

46:08

working in Mexico City and he.

46:10

He texted me one day. He's like,

46:12

hey, man, guess what I'm doing?

46:14

And I'm like, what? He's like, I've

46:16

been doing stand up in Spanish. That's

46:20

so cool. This is what we need to do.

46:22

He's like, my Spanish isn't very good. But

46:24

he's like, but it's great

46:26

because they love dumb Americans. That's

46:30

awesome. Fun comedy persona. I

46:32

know. I love that. Yeah,

46:35

that sounds great. We got to blow this

46:37

pop stand. I'm moving to Mexico City and

46:39

becoming a dumb American. You know, I watch.

46:41

Time to eat a gun. Exactly.

46:45

Oh, I come here from

46:47

eating too much gun. I

46:49

watch HGTV a lot when I'm on

46:52

the road and House Hunters International. Like

46:54

in a hotel before the gig? Yes,

46:56

or after the gig or all day

46:58

long. It's just such a the

47:00

gig? Yes. On the flight? I'm

47:02

obsessed with all these Americans moving

47:04

to places and their demands are ridiculous.

47:06

And it's like, girl, you're in

47:08

the Netherlands. You're not getting a master

47:10

bath in a 2 ,000 square foot

47:12

apartment. This is not happening. It's

47:14

so funny how... just want exactly what

47:16

they have back here. going to

47:18

have to go to Denmark for that.

47:21

Yeah. You're going to have to adjust

47:24

and downscale or something scale if you

47:26

leave. Yeah. I'd love to be a

47:28

dumb American stand up comedian, Jordan. Yeah.

47:30

We could be a dumb American

47:32

comedy team like the Smothers Brothers. Only

47:34

we're both dumb. Sure. Yeah. But we're

47:36

both dumb and we're both American. Yeah.

47:38

Oh, I don't need this health care.

47:41

I got this gun. I

47:45

love John Wayne. I

47:47

guess. I don't know. John Wayne.

47:49

Hamburger. My name is Hamburger Jones.

47:53

What's your guy called? Hamburger

47:55

Jones. No, no, no. I thought

47:57

my friend's name was my name.

47:59

People will come to see you

48:01

and think they're seeing you. The

48:03

two Hamburger Joneses. Then they'll be

48:05

happy because they're getting both of

48:07

us. Yeah, I hope so. And

48:09

a little Olaf. Sure,

48:11

I'm bringing Olaf everywhere. Oh,

48:14

yeah. Oh, man, I think I'm replaced. It's going

48:16

to be Jesse and Olaf. He's going to need

48:18

a visa. comedy duo. Yes. Oh,

48:20

more kissing. Oh,

48:22

man. One more

48:24

kiss and that can't go to

48:26

Goodwill. Sure. Okay. It's staying

48:28

at the house. Too filthy. Too

48:30

filthy for Goodwill. When something

48:33

momentous happens to you, give us

48:35

a call at 206 -9844 -FUN

48:37

or just send us a voice

48:39

memo at jjgoatmaximumfun .org. Here's a

48:41

momentous occasion from one of

48:43

our several listeners. Hi,

48:46

Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is

48:48

Joe, and I've just had a momentous

48:50

occasion. I just got done with my

48:52

first round of treatment of laser hair

48:54

removal on my butt. I

48:56

was pretty nervous about it, but it

48:58

went really well. Love the show.

49:00

Love you guys. Take care. Thank you, Joe. Thank

49:02

you so much for calling. I

49:04

feel like they can do a lot

49:06

of stuff with lasers these days. Yeah.

49:08

Apparently you can de -hair a butt. I

49:10

had no idea. I thought we were

49:12

going with chemo and my heart was

49:14

open and then I heard laser hair

49:16

butt and then my heart closed. Really?

49:19

But I'm happy for Joe and I

49:21

hope he's... Why do you hate the

49:23

hairless, Lori? That's a good

49:25

point. Lori, you're a competitive swimmer. Hairlessness

49:28

is your ideal state. That's true.

49:30

I just, I guess to... Call in

49:32

like of all the things that

49:34

happened in his life. Right. All the

49:36

things he could have called about

49:38

getting hair lasered off his butt seems

49:40

like that would be like number

49:42

four on my list to call in.

49:44

JJ, go. What's our number one

49:46

through three? Hair

49:48

off my nipples. Yeah, sure.

49:51

That's a good call. That's a

49:53

good call. We can really

49:55

numb down on that. I'm thinking

49:57

about doing some eyebrow tending.

49:59

You are? Yeah, because when I

50:01

had a barber, you remember

50:03

my barber, Jerry. Yeah. When Jerry

50:05

was my barber, Jerry would

50:07

tend to my eyebrows. He'd say,

50:09

eyebrows, Jess? And I'd be

50:11

like, yes, please, Jerry. And

50:13

he'd go, and he'd do all my

50:15

eyebrowing. Nice. But these days, I

50:17

don't go to the barber anymore. I

50:20

just shave my head with an

50:22

electric razor. So when I

50:24

shave my head with an electric razor,

50:26

I have to deal with the eyebrows. I

50:29

do like dealing with the eyebrows.

50:31

I like to brush them up and

50:33

then snip along them and all

50:35

that kind of stuff. But they're starting

50:37

to thicken. I'm starting to get

50:39

old man thickness here. Right. And I'm

50:41

like, you're not down with the

50:43

thickness. I'm

50:46

thinking maybe I should

50:48

go to a place where

50:51

they shape your brow.

50:53

I don't want like an

50:55

arched brow. I feel

50:57

like there's got to be a place that

50:59

could leave me with a tasteful but

51:01

mask brow, right? Yeah, I

51:03

don't know what having just the

51:06

brow done will set you

51:08

back. Yeah, my hair

51:10

journey at this point in

51:12

my life. It feels like

51:14

it stopped several years ago.

51:16

Yeah, I'm not going to

51:18

pay attention to it. Maybe I should just

51:20

do its own thing. Should I just

51:22

get laser brow removal? Oh, yeah. Just get

51:24

rid of the brow. So you would

51:26

have no eyebrows whatsoever. So I'd have no

51:28

eyebrows. Interesting. And then I could draw

51:30

whatever I wanted. It would probably be like

51:32

a Violent J type thing. Sure. Or

51:35

you just have no brows and you could

51:37

be very fast in the pool, all

51:39

that much faster in the pool. Ooh, that's

51:41

a good point. I bet you would

51:43

be fast in the pool. You're tall, you're

51:45

lean, hairless, sleek. You'd do

51:47

great. I am all those things. I'm

51:49

very athletic. Sure, that too.

51:51

It's more about form, Jesse. It's

51:53

more about form. It's about

51:55

having good form. It really is.

51:58

Yeah, sure. I was raised to

52:00

just do yardage, just to swim

52:02

until your shoulders break, right? And

52:04

then to realize it's more like

52:06

yoga and just concentrating on your

52:08

stroke drills and stuff like that

52:11

was really world -changing for me.

52:13

I do concentrate on my stroke

52:15

drills. What are you talking about?

52:17

Like jacking off? In

52:19

this case, I'm talking about like... Jacking

52:22

off? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm

52:25

talking about stroke drills. I'm just talking about

52:27

stroke drills. Sure, yeah. He tried to not

52:29

make it jacking off, and then he gave

52:31

in. He gave to his darker desires. Yeah,

52:33

that's what I did with my stroke drills.

52:35

Yeah, a good stroke drill used to do

52:37

with a cupped hand, so there's more resistance.

52:40

Anyway. Thank you. Closed fist, you get a

52:42

little more resistance. It teaches you more follow -through.

52:45

Anyway, these are fun jokes about

52:47

swimming and jacking off. Great, thank

52:49

you. I always use a kickboard. Yes.

52:53

Yes. That is also one of

52:55

these. And it's also good. All

52:58

the jokes are good. Yeah. It's

53:00

a good show. Nothing's bad, especially the

53:02

show. Your hair journey, Jordan. Oh,

53:04

yes. I have not yet learned.

53:06

This beard is kind of a recent development.

53:08

I don't know. It's probably two years now.

53:10

It feels recent. It's a fun beard, though.

53:12

Thank you. I like the beard a lot.

53:14

I'm having a lot of fun with the

53:16

beard. Beard good. stoned

53:19

guys in the grocery store coming up to me

53:21

and asking me if I'm Zach Galifianakis. But

53:24

that's the one part of

53:26

it I don't love. Everything else,

53:29

lots of fun. Have you

53:31

ever claimed to be Zach? I

53:33

mean, if it wasn't a

53:35

stoned guy, say it was an

53:37

interested woman. You know, that

53:39

has not happened. It is always

53:41

a stoned guy or there's

53:43

a lot of like... There's

53:46

older Gen X guys who come up to

53:48

me and ask me if I'm Zach Galifianakis, leading

53:50

me to believe that is the last celebrity

53:52

that they clocked. These are people who do

53:54

not know. You do have to tune out at

53:56

some point. You can't incorporate all celebs. know

53:58

who Timothee Chalamet is. They don't know who

54:00

any of the rat boys are. Yeah, yeah. They

54:02

paid attention to Zach Galifianakis, and they're like,

54:05

I'm out. That's the last celebrity I know,

54:07

and I think I see him here at the

54:09

Stater Brothers. I

54:11

mean, I'll say this for

54:13

Zach Galifianakis. Better than Jack

54:15

Osborne. Yeah, that's what I got

54:17

before I had a beard and was younger. I

54:19

got Jack Osborne. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's

54:21

right. Yeah. Yeah. So, you

54:23

know, am I that's about being compared to any

54:26

of these people or having it yelled at

54:28

me on the street? I'm not. But Zach Alvinakis,

54:30

good guy, good celebrity. Yeah. And I think

54:32

people are coming up to me and a cutie.

54:34

Absolutely. And because they like him. And I

54:36

need to tell myself that I'm like, these people

54:38

like him and they're excited because they think

54:40

he's here. This isn't them. Slamming

54:42

me. But it feels like that. fucking

54:45

great in The

54:47

Fucking Hangover. Well, yeah.

54:49

And, you know, some of my recent

54:51

voiceover work has been very good,

54:53

too. Like that Bigfoot one. That's

54:56

one of my films that I know

54:58

the name of. Missing Link? Missing Link. Zach

55:00

actually was a... Conan did some

55:02

Largo shows to rehearse jokes. And Zach

55:04

was on one of them. He

55:07

was hilarious. He's great. He's so funny.

55:09

Fucking hilarious. That's

55:11

why he became so successful is because

55:13

of how fucking funny he is. Funny as

55:15

shit. Yep. But

55:17

I've had this beard. I haven't learned

55:19

how to trim it myself. I've been

55:21

trying. I can't really do it, but

55:23

I've been having it done professionally. Oh,

55:25

really? Yeah. And so I

55:27

have a beard guy that I like to

55:29

go to. Beardologist? A beardologist. But I,

55:32

for some reason, had it in my head

55:34

that I had to get a haircut

55:36

too. So every time the beard got too

55:38

long, I would also just get a

55:40

haircut I kind of didn't want. But then

55:42

I'm like, oh, you can just get

55:44

the beard. You say beard cleanup. Yeah. Do

55:46

that. Anyway. Are you tempted to let

55:49

it grow? Like what happens when it keeps

55:51

growing? Does it grow down? Does it

55:53

grow out? It grows out. OK. Yeah. I

55:55

don't want to look like I'm not. How

55:58

I look now might might not support

56:00

what I'm saying, but I don't want

56:02

to look crazy. I don't want to.

56:05

Yeah, it does not support what I

56:07

don't want to look. Yeah, like Kaczynski

56:09

or something. Yeah, yeah. I'm not looking

56:11

for attention with it. It's

56:13

got a lot of flavor and

56:15

charm, even in a relatively conservative style.

56:17

Sure. I want to just look

56:19

like a normal man who's maybe a

56:21

little more masculine than he is

56:23

without the beard. That's the idea. So,

56:25

yeah, I'm trying not to let

56:27

it get too long. I don't want

56:29

to look like a kook. I

56:31

feel like I would have to go

56:33

to a place that says threading

56:35

on the window. I looked

56:38

at a picture of brows. Threading where

56:40

they go. Yeah,

56:42

I don't know. I don't know. They're

56:44

not going to shave my brow. pretty tempted

56:46

because you don't have crazy brows. So

56:48

they're going to want to put in some

56:50

work and they might get a little

56:52

overexcited. That's what I'm concerned about. go to

56:55

his beard guy, right? That's

56:57

someone who knows. The

56:59

thing is, I'm starting to get hairs

57:02

that are eyebrow hairs. And I'm like,

57:04

how did they get all the way

57:06

over here at the corner of my

57:08

eye? You know what I mean? And

57:10

like the most egregious amongst those, I

57:12

can handle myself, certainly. But I feel

57:14

like I want an expert. But that's

57:16

my concern. I'm worried that I'm going

57:19

to come out of there looking like

57:21

a Kardashian. Well, you know,

57:23

I mean, they'll grow back. Yeah,

57:25

they'll grow back. They'll grow

57:28

back. And? I mean, that BBL

57:30

looks great on you. Thank

57:32

you so much. Thank you so

57:34

much. Let's take another call.

57:36

Beautiful, juicy ass. Hi, Jordan. Hi,

57:38

Jesse. Hi, illustrious guests. This

57:40

is Patrick calling from Pittsburgh. I'm

57:42

doing my weekly or bi -weekly

57:44

grocery shopping in the suburbs

57:46

outside of Pittsburgh today, and I

57:48

came back to load my

57:51

groceries into the back of my

57:53

car and... The car parked

57:55

next to me not only had

57:57

the keep honking, I'm listening

57:59

to Jordan Jeffy Go bumper sticker

58:01

on it, but it also

58:03

had a magnet representing my favorite

58:05

brewery in the Pittsburgh area

58:07

that unfortunately closed last year. So

58:10

I believe that this person

58:12

has stolen my identity and

58:14

taken out a car loan

58:16

to get a car. in

58:18

my name, and I just don't know

58:20

what to do next. I was hoping you

58:22

could help. Thanks. I mean, talk to

58:24

the person. This is the thing. Yeah. Patrick,

58:26

thanks for calling us. This is indicative

58:28

of why our show is at where it's

58:30

at. Yeah. It's because it's everyone's little

58:32

secret. Yeah. And they don't want to tell

58:34

anybody or talk to anyone about it.

58:36

Even someone who bought a bumper sticker. Your

58:39

two top interests are bumper stickers on

58:41

their car. That's stunning. That's pretty good.

58:43

I say wait around for that person

58:45

to come out because that's possibly a

58:47

friend or a partner. Yeah. That's

58:49

what I think, too. Is he still

58:51

there? Or was this called in earlier? I

58:54

think it was from like a week ago.

58:56

Oh, no. The number of times I've had

58:58

someone come up to me and say, you

59:00

know, I'm a big Jordan Jesse Gold fan.

59:02

Oh, that's really nice of you to say.

59:04

And then they say, well, the number of

59:06

times I've had someone say that to me

59:09

over the 12 years we've been doing this.

59:11

What would you say about 12? More

59:14

than that. Anyway, maybe even 16

59:16

and 12 years. And two of them

59:18

were Stephen at the job interview.

59:20

Yeah, that's correct. We had

59:22

a callback. We

59:24

like they'll they'll say to me, like, oh,

59:26

I'm a big Jordan Jesse Goh fan. They'll

59:28

be like, you know, the other day I

59:30

was at the grocery store and I saw

59:33

a guy in a Jordan Jesse Goh t -shirt.

59:35

And I thought about talking to them, but

59:38

I decided not to. What are you talking

59:40

about? No one else likes our show. If

59:42

you see someone else that likes our show,

59:44

talk to That's the other guy. If

59:48

you're listening to this, you're the

59:50

guy whose car that guy saw. Find

59:53

him in Pittsburgh. That's cruel

59:55

that we have two fans in Pittsburgh. We had

59:57

to get our ass over to Pittsburgh, huh? You think

59:59

that if I see a guy in a fucking

1:00:01

Adventure Zone t -shirt, I don't tell him that I'm

1:00:03

friends with the McElroy brothers? You got to tell them.

1:00:05

You got to tell them. Just tell them. Do

1:00:09

you run into Jackie and Lori fans

1:00:11

in the wild? No. Okay. Not

1:00:14

even. You stand up. At comedy clubs.

1:00:17

That's what I was going to say. Not at

1:00:19

the Kroger. No, no, not at

1:00:21

the Kroger. Not yet. No, they'll come to see

1:00:23

shows and stuff like that. a good place

1:00:25

to run into somebody who listens to the show.

1:00:27

It's perfect. Yeah. If someone

1:00:29

does see me to Trader

1:00:31

Joe's, please just pass by.

1:00:33

Please, stranger. Sure. Our mutual

1:00:35

friend and Max Fund colleague,

1:00:37

Benjamin Harrison. He's such a big

1:00:39

Jackie and Lori show fan that he

1:00:41

will text me about different stuff he heard

1:00:43

because he knows that I listen to

1:00:45

Jackie and Lori. He will text me. We

1:00:47

say nothing worth texting. Jackie and Lori

1:00:49

were being so funny talking about blah, blah,

1:00:51

blah. It's such an interesting conversation about

1:00:54

blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah, thanks

1:00:56

for letting me know. As soon as

1:00:58

we finish, it leaves our heads. We don't

1:01:00

know what we said and we hope

1:01:02

it turned out OK. Yeah, it's

1:01:04

fine. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good show.

1:01:06

Thank you. This is a good show.

1:01:08

All podcasts are good. All podcasts are

1:01:10

good. Yeah. Especially the ones that we

1:01:12

all do. Yeah. Stephen, are you recording

1:01:14

this podcast? Oh, shit. No. Yes. You

1:01:17

are? Yes. Oh, great. Then we know

1:01:19

it's a good podcast. Sure. Because it's

1:01:21

being recorded and it's getting listened to.

1:01:23

Are we talking? Hard to say.

1:01:25

But think it through. No, I see your

1:01:27

mouth moving, so I think you are. Yeah,

1:01:29

yeah. Yeah, so it's a good podcast. So

1:01:31

it's good. Yeah. Yeah, so it's worth talking.

1:01:33

It's being recorded. It's worth listening to. Yeah,

1:01:35

so everybody likes it. That's why that bumper

1:01:38

sticker is on that one car that the

1:01:40

guy wouldn't talk to the guy in the

1:01:42

car. Sure. So, okay. So did we come

1:01:44

up with a solution for him? Yeah, the

1:01:46

solution is go back in fucking time and

1:01:48

say, I love Jordan. Jesse, go. Here's my

1:01:50

phone number. Let's go to a microbrewery. You

1:01:52

know what? You could just say, I'm sorry

1:01:54

I hit your car. Leave your phone number.

1:01:56

The guy will call you. Oh. Then you

1:01:58

force him into a conversation. This was a

1:02:00

little trick. It was a trick. But what

1:02:02

you'll be glad to know is your car's

1:02:05

okay and now we're friends. Maybe leave a

1:02:07

note on his car that says, are you

1:02:09

Zach Galifianakis from Hangover? Oh, wow. Here's

1:02:11

my number. I'm in my late 40s.

1:02:13

your butt lasered? Yeah. And

1:02:15

do you need your butt lasered? And

1:02:18

then everything we talked about will be in

1:02:20

that one message. You ever had anything

1:02:22

lasered, Jordan? No, I never have. I had

1:02:24

my... The connection

1:02:26

between my semen and my

1:02:28

penis lasers. Oh, fun.

1:02:30

Yeah. The perinemia? No, there's

1:02:32

a tube inside there that

1:02:34

you get lasered when you

1:02:36

don't want to have babies

1:02:38

anymore. Oh, okay. They shoot

1:02:40

it with a laser. It

1:02:43

makes the most horrifying smell.

1:02:45

I thought there was hair there. I'm

1:02:49

glad we got into weeds. I got a little

1:02:51

bit of hair down there, but only a standard

1:02:53

amount. Is the area

1:02:55

the laser went in, is it hairless? Do

1:02:57

you have a small hairless dot on your

1:03:00

taint where the laser went in? That's a

1:03:02

good question. That's a terrible question. I

1:03:04

do. I can't encourage him. I did try

1:03:06

and do some Our Bodies Ourselves work down

1:03:08

there with a hand mirror. Check it out.

1:03:10

I don't know. I'd be curious. If the

1:03:12

laser went in there, it doesn't matter what

1:03:14

it was. Probably got some of the hair,

1:03:16

too. I don't know. I don't know. Man

1:03:18

just wanted to talk to me about public

1:03:20

radio the whole time. Sure. Hold on. Okay.

1:03:22

Let's do this. Steven, get us a hand

1:03:24

mirror. We're going to figure this out. My

1:03:26

flesh is burning, sir. I'm going to come

1:03:28

out. Okay. We'll be back in just

1:03:30

a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Hi,

1:03:37

is this Kelly? Yes, this is Kelly.

1:03:39

Hi, Kelly. This is Jesse Thorne, co

1:03:41

-host of Jordan Jesse Go. Hi, Jesse.

1:03:43

I'm calling because you were just named

1:03:45

Max Fund's member of the month for

1:03:47

April. Oh, wow. This

1:03:49

is so surreal. How long have you been a

1:03:51

Jordan Jesse Go listener? Probably eight

1:03:53

years. I actually saw you guys

1:03:55

at the Bell House in Brooklyn in

1:03:57

2019. Was seeing us the reason that

1:04:00

you started listening to the show? I

1:04:02

didn't know. I had been listening for

1:04:04

a while. Why did you end up

1:04:06

becoming a member? It's really just been

1:04:08

such a dependable source of laughter and

1:04:10

joy and comfort. I just appreciate that.

1:04:13

And I didn't want to take it

1:04:15

for granted. So I wanted to contribute

1:04:17

and show my support because I

1:04:19

don't want it to ever end. Kelly,

1:04:21

thank you so much for talking with

1:04:23

me. And thank you so much for

1:04:25

being a member of MaxFun. Absolutely. It's

1:04:28

my pleasure. It's totally worth it. If

1:04:30

you're a MaxFun member, you can become

1:04:32

the next MaxFun member of the month.

1:04:34

Support us at MaximumFun .org slash join. This

1:04:39

season on The Adventure Zone,

1:04:41

Abnibals. Get ready for a

1:04:43

brand new crime -fighting trio,

1:04:45

here to protect the anthropomorphic

1:04:47

muscular animal citizens of River

1:04:49

City. Featuring Justin McElroy as

1:04:51

Axolyle, the firefighting axolotl. Clint

1:04:54

McElroy as Roger Moore, the

1:04:56

debonair cow of mystery. Griffin

1:04:58

McElroy as Navy Seal, the

1:05:00

raw seal that has never

1:05:02

served in the armed forces. And

1:05:04

Travis McElroy as every other

1:05:06

swole critter in River City.

1:05:08

This swear -free Saturday morning

1:05:10

cartoon -inspired story airs every Thursday

1:05:12

on MaximumFun .org or wherever

1:05:15

you get your podcasts. Jordan,

1:05:24

Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio

1:05:26

sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Laurie Kilmartin.

1:05:28

I'm just another Laurie Kilmartin in your

1:05:30

life. Laurie, how'd you like that Zotz

1:05:32

you had in the break? So good.

1:05:36

I'm going to take a handful, a criminal

1:05:38

amount as I leave. Hell yeah. And

1:05:40

eat them all on the way home. I

1:05:42

love to crunch a zotz. You're

1:05:44

supposed to suck the zotz because it's got a little

1:05:46

hole in it and it lets the fizzy stuff in

1:05:48

the middle out. If you crunch it, you get all

1:05:50

that fizzy stuff at once, plus you get a crunchy

1:05:52

blast of candy. I did one of each. Oh.

1:05:55

So I sucked the last one, but the other

1:05:57

one I chewed and I just, it hit me.

1:05:59

That's why you got to have two. You got

1:06:01

to have one to suck and one to chew.

1:06:03

Well, I'd like to, I need an even number

1:06:05

so I can, so I don't have, you know,

1:06:07

I can do it properly on the way home.

1:06:09

So I'll need like 10 or 12. Are you

1:06:11

going to do a compare and contrast essay? Possibly.

1:06:14

Yes, I will. Yeah. Now that you brought

1:06:16

it up. Yeah. For the sub stack. That's

1:06:19

right. Lauren, did

1:06:21

you get like an Oscars gift

1:06:23

bag? Did you get like an

1:06:25

iPad with Nickel Boys on the

1:06:28

cover or something? We

1:06:30

got a really cool jacket, which my

1:06:32

son took immediately, and a baseball

1:06:34

cap, which I have because I hid

1:06:36

it. Everything I get that's a

1:06:38

gift gets taken immediately. So, you know,

1:06:40

it's all sort of jacket -y sort

1:06:42

of stuff. It's a great jacket.

1:06:44

Yeah. Yeah. Working in TV, you get

1:06:46

a lot of little jackets. Blankets.

1:06:50

You get a lot of blank. I feel

1:06:52

like I have a couple of different blankets

1:06:54

from things I worked on. I have. Yeah.

1:06:56

When I was I went to New York

1:06:58

right after the Oscars and I had my

1:07:00

Conan. laptop bag

1:07:02

and my Oscars hat. And I

1:07:04

was like, this looks really obnoxious. Yeah.

1:07:07

Having more than one crew gift

1:07:09

in an ensemble. Yeah. It's like, we

1:07:11

get it. I went

1:07:13

on numerous tours with Hodgman where

1:07:15

he just wore his Daily Show crew

1:07:17

jacket the entire time. And I

1:07:19

was like, yeah, we get it, John.

1:07:22

We saw you on television.

1:07:24

You were on television. It

1:07:27

was great. Yeah. I think one piece

1:07:29

is good. I understand being. And you

1:07:31

could have gotten it used. But if

1:07:33

you have two pieces, that's like, oh,

1:07:35

right, you're in the industry. We get

1:07:37

it. Right? I'm not in the industry.

1:07:39

That's true. I'm barely in the

1:07:41

podcasting industry. Although, from what

1:07:44

I understand, we are recording this.

1:07:46

Still recording it, yeah. Great. So,

1:07:48

Stephen, print us up some

1:07:50

crew jackets. Make them like Letterman's

1:07:52

jackets. Yes, yes, yes. Are

1:07:54

there year -end gifts for all

1:07:56

the MaxFunners that work here? We

1:07:58

give out candy. We give

1:08:00

everybody candy. Everybody gets candy. It's

1:08:02

really tasty candy. Yeah. But

1:08:05

we've never, like... have closets full of

1:08:07

stuff that we don't know what to do

1:08:09

with, if that's the question. Like, if

1:08:11

you need any T -shirts on the way

1:08:13

out the door, let us know. One of

1:08:15

my favorite T -shirts was a JJ. I

1:08:17

think it was like a gray and

1:08:19

it had a rocket on it. Oh, that's

1:08:21

the classic Mike's Fun T -shirt. It was

1:08:23

so comfortable. It lasted so long. Do

1:08:25

you want a new one? I do. I'd

1:08:27

like several. I think we still have

1:08:29

some in the closet. 10 to 12, one

1:08:31

for each candy I'm going to take

1:08:33

as well. That would be great. Great. I

1:08:35

love it. Well, Lori Kilmartin is the

1:08:37

host of the Jackie and Lori Show with

1:08:39

our friend Jackie. It is a hilarious

1:08:41

look at the world of standup comedy and

1:08:43

the world outside standup comedy. I'm

1:08:46

going to say 6535.

1:08:48

Is that about right? 6535? We try

1:08:50

to keep it comedy based, but I

1:08:52

don't see it. I guess we're funny

1:08:54

sometimes, but a lot of times it's

1:08:56

a lot of travel. Yeah, that's what

1:08:58

I was about to say. I'm including

1:09:01

things about like hotel soap. That's

1:09:03

very important to me. And we do

1:09:05

need to always have a 10 -minute discussion

1:09:07

on hotel amenities. Can I ask you a

1:09:09

quick question? Yeah. Are you going to

1:09:11

Hilton or Marriott for your points? That's what

1:09:13

I was going to ask. You know

1:09:15

what? I haven't gone all in on a

1:09:17

hotel, right? So I have Marriott and

1:09:19

Hilton. But Maria, Bamford, and Jackie are so

1:09:21

pro -Hilton that I think that's swaying me

1:09:23

towards Hilton. I won't get a Hilton

1:09:25

credit card. guy too. Are you really? Do

1:09:27

you have a credit card? a gold

1:09:30

member. No, I haven't done the credit card

1:09:32

yet. Okay. Yeah, I won't do that

1:09:34

because I just do airline credit cards. What

1:09:36

do you get from the credit card? More

1:09:39

points. Yeah, more points. More delicious

1:09:41

points. Easy to stay. Sleep in a

1:09:43

little bit. What I love is

1:09:45

like a late checkout without having to

1:09:47

pay. That's really important. Those like

1:09:49

little dignity perks are really nice. Yes.

1:09:51

I agree. Yeah, just call and

1:09:53

ask for a late checkout. They charge

1:09:55

you now. Not everyone,

1:09:57

but they'll charge you, like if you

1:10:00

stay an extra hour, they'll charge you

1:10:02

a little extra money. Even if you

1:10:04

called? Yeah. When you

1:10:06

call, that's when they tell you. This

1:10:08

is outrageous. It is outrageous. these credit

1:10:11

cards. I know. You should listen to our

1:10:13

podcast. You would know that. You would

1:10:15

have heard my outrage from one time that

1:10:17

happened. All I've been doing is eating

1:10:19

these fucking cookies at the Marriott. Oh, yeah.

1:10:21

Now I know I got to get

1:10:23

this credit card from the Hilton so I

1:10:25

don't get charged to check out late.

1:10:27

We need to focus our lives on points.

1:10:29

Yeah. Focus up, everyone. It's about the

1:10:32

points now. It really is the most thing.

1:10:34

Nothing else is important. Right. Just points.

1:10:36

Just points. Our producer is Stephen Ray Morris.

1:10:38

Our theme music is Love You by

1:10:40

The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design

1:10:42

and Light in the Attic Records. You

1:10:44

can find us on Instagram at Jordan David

1:10:46

Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Very famous.

1:10:48

You can find us on Facebook. Blue

1:10:51

sky. There you go. Jordan,

1:10:53

Jesse go. You can find us

1:10:55

on Instagram at Jordan, Jesse

1:10:57

go pot. You can find us

1:10:59

elsewhere on other shit using

1:11:01

different combinations of letters and numbers.

1:11:04

Right. You are friend. Right.

1:11:06

You are. This is a good

1:11:08

podcast and good night. We'll

1:11:10

talk to you next time on

1:11:12

Jordan. Jesse go. I'll hug

1:11:14

you and kiss you and love

1:11:16

you. Love you. Love you.

1:11:18

Love you. Maximum

1:11:28

Fun. A worker -owned

1:11:31

network of artist -owned shows.

1:11:33

Supported directly by you.