0:02

Kikpod acknowledges the traditional

0:04

owners and custodians of the land

0:07

in which we're recording this podcast.

0:09

The euluket, woolen clan of the

0:11

Boonerong who are part of the

0:13

Koolin Nation. We pay our respects

0:15

to our elders, past and present

0:17

and extend our respect to

0:20

aboriginal and terrestrial islander

0:22

peoples today. You're listening to

0:24

It's My ADHD. A Kickod

0:27

miniseries with me. Before we get

0:29

started, I wanted to give you

0:31

a heads up that this series

0:33

is about my experience of ADHD.

0:36

This won't be a one-size-fits-all guide

0:38

to ADHD. But I do hope

0:40

that my experience and the resources

0:42

that I share will help you.

0:45

Episode 6. ADHD and My Relationship

0:47

Okay, this episode certainly gave me the

0:50

biggest vulnerability hangover out of the

0:52

lot of them. Not only did

0:54

Josh and I open up quite

0:56

a lot about our relationship, but

0:58

when it comes to where I

1:00

think I've held the most shame

1:02

around my ADHD, it's probably been

1:04

in my romantic relationship. Josh is

1:06

my safe space. He's my soulmate.

1:08

My comforter, my supporter, my cheerleader,

1:10

my everything. We have known each

1:12

other now for nearly 20 years

1:14

and have been in a relationship

1:16

for 13. So he honestly knows

1:18

me better than anyone in this world.

1:20

We've gone through so many milestones together,

1:22

faced so many hurdles along our relationship

1:24

and experienced so many things that we

1:27

are incredibly fortunate to have had each

1:29

other therefore. And whilst we are absolutely

1:31

happily married, and I'm convinced we'll be

1:33

together forever and we will always meant

1:35

to find one another, there has been

1:38

some really tough times along the journey

1:40

as well. The thing that I hate to admit

1:42

is how much I feel like every tough time has

1:44

been my fault. I feel like I'm constantly the

1:46

one apologizing post an argument, purely because

1:49

nine times out of ten, it was

1:51

me that was most likely out of

1:53

line. Josh is an incredible communicator. He's

1:55

always wanting to talk through things,

1:57

find solutions, tell me how he's

1:59

feeling. He's open with his emotions and

2:01

he's always been that way. And for the

2:03

last few years particularly, my journal has

2:05

been full of entries asking myself, why

2:08

the F-cut you just changes about yourself,

2:10

you're pushing Josh away? One thing I've noticed

2:12

is that unfortunately, as my safe space

2:14

and my safe person, he cops the

2:16

most meltdowns and sees me the most

2:18

unmasked, which depending on the day I've

2:20

had can mean I'm not the nicest

2:23

person to be around. And I'm very

2:25

honest with the things that are irritating

2:27

that are irritating me. What I'm starting

2:29

to try and improve on is recognizing

2:31

when I might be in these states

2:33

and doing my best to not reflect

2:35

my frustration at myself onto Josh.

2:37

For example, if I'm running late, I... really

2:39

have to try and get better at expressing

2:41

to him that I just need a little

2:43

bit of help getting out of the door

2:46

that day. Rather than just being a hothead

2:48

and getting frustrated with him for not reading

2:50

my mind or energy and assuming he should

2:52

just know how to help me out. The

2:54

frustration I feel in those moments is purely

2:56

just because I'm annoyed at myself and why

2:58

I have to project that onto Josh, I

3:00

do not know. But when I think about

3:02

moments over the last 13 years of being

3:05

together, where my symptoms of ADHD were more

3:07

mild, we have been our happiest. Anyway,

3:09

in today's chat, Josh and I sit

3:11

down with Megan Lescombe, who's a relationship

3:13

coach we've had on the pod a

3:15

few times before. We opened up about

3:18

how we think my ADHD symptoms have

3:20

impacted our relationship, and Megan helps us

3:22

reframe the way that we're thinking about

3:24

certain events, and also leaves us with

3:26

some really good tools and ways of

3:28

approaching things too, which I hope you

3:31

guys can take away as well. So here

3:33

is my conversation with Josh and

3:35

Megan, where I truly believe I

3:37

got so lost in the conversation

3:40

that I forgot we had our marks

3:42

in front of us. This is a

3:44

lovely table to be heard. Last time

3:46

when the three of us were together

3:48

was over Zoom for a private session.

3:50

On our bed. It's a bit

3:52

more intimate, wasn't it? Yeah, okay. Let's

3:55

put that out there. Yes, but it was

3:57

over Zoom. Yes, and thank you for that.

3:59

I think that was incredibly beneficial for

4:01

so many reasons, but also it was

4:03

a really lovely place to start before.

4:06

I think being on the mic, we'd

4:08

all agreed that it was going to

4:10

be quite a vulnerable chat probably, and

4:12

it was just nice to get a

4:14

few things out in the open. Yeah,

4:16

absolutely. Before making it live for everyone

4:18

else. Ripped that bandage. Yeah. But I

4:20

do want to start there, because I

4:22

want to start with something that you've

4:24

already taught us from that conversation from

4:27

that conversation from that And I think

4:29

upon reflection, and today basically I would

4:31

love to go through, for me personally,

4:33

areas that I think upon reflection have

4:35

been what has maybe... I don't know

4:37

how to say it. Not like brought

4:39

up the most arguments within our relationship.

4:41

We've been together for quite a long

4:43

time now, but when I reflect and

4:45

when I learn more about ADHD and

4:48

some of these traits that I've always

4:50

disliked in myself and never felt like

4:52

I could change. There's kind of different

4:54

areas I'd love to go into, some

4:56

of which we did chat about already

4:58

in that private session, but... One reflection

5:00

we had in that session was when

5:02

we thought about a time where we

5:04

were working together really well as a

5:06

team and getting along really well and

5:09

I suppose having less of those kind

5:11

of arguments and we both noticed that

5:13

it was actually during COVID and newborn

5:15

phase for us, which were the same

5:17

time, when we were both together all

5:19

the time. And what we learned from

5:21

that and what you helped us pick

5:23

up on was that communication, surprise, surprise,

5:25

surprise. Communication and just being aware of

5:27

where each other are at was such

5:29

an important thing in that. Absolutely it's

5:32

crucial. And so I feel like it

5:34

probably is going to come up a

5:36

lot in some of the other areas

5:38

that I'll bring up today that it

5:40

is going to be the crucial part

5:42

of this all. But one thing that

5:44

you left us with because we can't

5:46

always be together 24 7 anymore was

5:48

just to check in with each other

5:50

before we actually, before I got home

5:53

from work for example. And look, maybe

5:55

it's, I should have got you to

5:57

kick off the habit because starting a

5:59

new habit as someone with aviation. She

6:01

was pretty hard. I think we did

6:03

it for like one or two days

6:05

and then dropped off for two weeks.

6:07

But we picked it back up this

6:09

week and all that was was asking

6:11

each other a couple of questions over

6:14

what's up. And now about an hour

6:16

before I got home, checking in with

6:18

how our days were, if there was

6:20

anything. Read out what you said. Okay,

6:22

yeah, these are our three questions. I'd

6:24

love to know what you think of

6:26

them. Great. If we add to it

6:28

or... No, I love this. Yeah, no,

6:30

totally. Okay, so the three questions we've

6:32

been messaging each other is tell me

6:35

a highlight from today. Stress overwhelm out

6:37

of 10, but we actually haven't been

6:39

doing it out of 10. We've been

6:41

more so being like this happened today

6:43

And this is why I might be

6:45

overwhelmed Yeah, or or I'm actually feeling

6:47

really good. So we take that kind

6:49

of second question as just like where

6:51

you are perfect Yeah, and then what

6:53

can I do for you tonight? Was

6:55

the last one and I think that's

6:58

been the best one. I think obviously

7:00

the second one's really good because it's

7:02

also like you kind of get an

7:04

update as to where each other at

7:06

because I think what we identified was

7:08

I was getting home. There could have

7:10

been a bunch that happened at work

7:12

that I can't be bothered venting or

7:14

bringing home to Josh but instead I'm

7:16

just bringing it home in my energy.

7:19

It's like that first 15 minutes I'm

7:21

just working out. You're the punching back.

7:23

Yeah, you have to play the guessing

7:25

game. Yeah. So but doing that's been

7:27

awesome. It's funny like my energy changes

7:29

as soon as I get a clear

7:31

understanding of what I'm in front that

7:33

sounds horrible What's tonight's gonna be like?

7:35

Yeah, I'm like my mood goes from

7:37

here to here. So I'm like I

7:40

know how to now navigate tonight. That's

7:42

exactly right. And we don't want a

7:44

situation where we have to operate on

7:46

assumption. Yeah, absolutely. And these questions are

7:48

just a way to remove assumption. And

7:50

like you said, the second question you're

7:52

making a bit more flexible. Like it

7:54

doesn't need to be this, what is

7:56

it out of 10? It's more of

7:58

a, this is an indicator, so we

8:01

can be flexible with that question. And

8:03

I think it's really... that you're giving

8:05

yourself opportunity to keep it flexible because

8:07

that's the whole thing of a relationship.

8:09

It's when both of you allow things

8:11

to be fluid. So I'm glad that

8:13

that's actually contributing to. Yeah. Less assumption.

8:15

Yeah, it's been really great. So that

8:17

is the golden tip that we're going

8:19

to start with guys. If you want

8:21

to take it on to, like, please

8:24

practice it. I don't think this is

8:26

regardless of whether you have someone with

8:28

ADHD in your relationship or not. I

8:30

think it's great for any relationship. That's

8:32

really good. And it's such a simple

8:34

one. So simple. And it's been really

8:36

good. And you're right. As soon as

8:38

we get that message back from each

8:40

other from each other. And it's just,

8:42

it's amazing. So I wanted to thank

8:45

you for that. And then go through

8:47

some things. And I think one thing

8:49

I might start with is actually emotional

8:51

dysregulation. So for me, this is a

8:53

big one. And when I went through

8:55

my report with my psychologist, it was

8:57

the one that was kind of like,

8:59

not a maturity level, but. that my

9:01

emotional dysregulation at times can almost be

9:03

that of like a toddler like as

9:06

in it just everything just seems like

9:08

it's way too big of a deal

9:10

than it actually is and for me

9:12

I feel that and I do recognize

9:14

it in Harvey I feel like I'm

9:16

looking at myself half the time but

9:18

it makes me think of a couple

9:20

of situations and stories where it has

9:22

come up for the both of us

9:24

and I think one I wanted to

9:27

bring up was actually a really nice

9:29

one because this has actually happened since

9:31

being diagnosed, but then I think I'd

9:33

love to kind of reflect and talk

9:35

to you about, Josh, I'm looking at

9:37

you, what it might have been like

9:39

before I was diagnosed and before we

9:41

had this understanding when you saw me

9:43

in this state. But we have a

9:45

coffee machine at home and it's a

9:47

big, proper coffee machine. There's about seven

9:50

steps. to getting your coffee right. Too

9:52

many steps for me in the morning.

9:54

And one particular morning, I knew I

9:56

was running late, I was in a

9:58

bit of a rush, took me about

10:00

seven attempts, and I just, I cracked

10:02

it, and I cracked it, and I

10:04

cracked it, and I cracked it, and

10:06

I yelled, and I made it, Josh's

10:08

problem, because I told him that I

10:11

found it, and I made it, Josh's

10:13

problem, because I told him that I

10:15

found it, I don't want to walk

10:17

through it. off my chops at that

10:19

point. And I had no patience whatsoever

10:21

to sit and walk through the steps

10:23

of making a coffee again. And I

10:25

kind of cracked it because I was

10:27

like, we used to have a pod

10:29

machine. It was so easy to put

10:32

a pot in and like it was

10:34

done. And then I came home that

10:36

day and he got a pod machine

10:38

for me. And then there's this little

10:40

note and I can't remember exactly what

10:42

it said, but it just basically said

10:44

like you can have your own coffies

10:46

and like I'm sorry for... try to

10:48

like push you into that this morning

10:50

or whatever, which I felt like was

10:53

huge because for years before that and

10:55

you are a very solution oriented person,

10:57

you just did not understand why things

10:59

would flip as far as they would

11:01

prior, right? And did you feel differently

11:03

since I got my diagnosis when you

11:05

learned a little bit more about how

11:07

emotional dysregulation can come into it? Yeah,

11:09

for sure. But I mean, my biggest

11:11

thing always was... in that moment of

11:13

that morning. I was like, you know

11:16

how to make a coffee. You've just

11:18

marked up one step. So let's just

11:20

fix the step. And then you have

11:22

your coffee in about eight seconds. But

11:24

yeah, I definitely learned the tolerance around.

11:26

And particularly, you know what, probably being

11:28

a father to Harvey's and seeing him

11:30

disregulated often. And even like a couple

11:32

days ago, I'm learning more to just

11:34

give him space to calm down and

11:37

cool his chats and then... nine times

11:39

out of ten it's okay within ten

11:41

minutes not even so yeah obviously being

11:43

aware of it now is a lot

11:45

easier and what you can here and

11:47

that what you said was I used

11:49

to be able to do it with

11:51

the pods, you know, I could do

11:53

it with the pods and what you

11:55

can really hear is in that I

11:58

had control. I knew what to expect.

12:00

I knew the parameters and now something

12:02

has changed and obviously in dysregulated mindsets

12:04

like that's too much. It's too much.

12:06

what I would say in situations like

12:08

that is it's about having a code

12:10

word for when we are feeling dysregulated

12:12

so we don't actually need to be

12:14

like fuck off I can't do this

12:16

like make me a coffee or something

12:18

like it's about being able to say

12:21

hey I'm at blah blah territory or

12:23

like I met pineapple stage like and

12:25

that means I'm just regulated so it's

12:27

my yeah it's my job to remove

12:29

myself and do what I need to

12:31

do just so we don't need to

12:33

have unnecessary arguments and unnecessary tension it's

12:35

just a really quick way to be

12:37

able to go like flag up. Oh

12:39

that's great because sometimes there's been many

12:42

occasions where there's no science that she's

12:44

there yeah and then she's there and

12:46

you're like and then I get offended

12:48

like Yeah and I probably say things

12:50

that I shouldn't. I've done something wrong

12:52

or she'll say things that she doesn't

12:54

mean but I take it on board

12:56

and I'm like sad about it and

12:58

then that just creates this like there's

13:00

anger in that situation there's like I'm

13:03

now like thinking Of course you are.

13:05

Why does she treat me like this

13:07

and all that stuff? Even though it's

13:09

over something so silly? Yes. Well I

13:11

think what's important is to remove the

13:13

notion that it's over silly things. Okay,

13:15

because that's what also minimizes the experience

13:17

and it makes people in it feel

13:19

stupid. Like, oh my God, I can't

13:21

believe I was getting shitty about the

13:24

coffee machine, but the coffee machine isn't

13:26

the actual issue. It's the conduit to

13:28

what... is taking place. So it's about

13:30

being able to go, okay, there was

13:32

a trigger point, how can we respond

13:34

to it from a place of kindness

13:36

or permission of I need to go

13:38

and regulate myself? Because obviously when you're

13:40

dysregulated, you're probably saying things. that obviously

13:42

you are saying things that are coming

13:44

out and that are minimizing Josh's experience

13:47

that Josh is then internalizing and probably

13:49

using as a story to tell himself

13:51

about himself as a husband, as a

13:53

partner, as a friend. So it's about

13:55

being able to go, how can we

13:57

minimize these situations so we don't have

13:59

as many casualties? Yeah. Because that's what's

14:01

taking place. So we want to give

14:03

ourselves permission to go, okay, when I'm

14:05

dysregulated, I'm going to use a code

14:08

word. So then I'm not throwing verbal

14:10

abuse at Josh who's then internalizing and

14:12

then pulling away from me next time

14:14

this time this time this happens. Josh

14:16

to be able to give you permission

14:18

to be like, this is my code

14:20

word when I can't help you disregulate

14:22

because my feelings are hurt. So I

14:24

need to, I need some space too.

14:26

It's a really important, it's a two

14:29

way. This isn't just about making accommodations

14:31

and finding strategies. So Steve can participate

14:33

in the relationship. It's so Josh can

14:35

be on the recipient end of that

14:37

to be able to give himself permission

14:39

too to go. What strategies can I

14:41

use? Maybe I'm pineapple's my word. I'm

14:43

taking that. Yeah, and I love that

14:45

you went there because I wanted to

14:47

bring that up quite a bit today

14:50

because that's why I wanted to have

14:52

this chat is I wasn't looking, I'm

14:54

not looking for just strategies on how

14:56

like Josh can just cope better with

14:58

dating someone with ADHD. It's like how

15:00

can we work together better with this

15:02

and like I also want to learn

15:04

some more stuff for myself as well

15:06

because I think that's what one thing

15:08

that we've both been worried been worried

15:10

about is like. if he just has

15:13

to kind of couple this stuff now.

15:15

It sounds so negative, but truly, sometimes

15:17

that really affects you. This resentment might

15:19

build up. And so we want to

15:21

really work as a tame and understand

15:23

it better as a tame. And I

15:25

think the code word thing is such

15:27

a good idea because you're right. There's

15:29

moments where, and it doesn't even, it's

15:31

not even some of the stuff I

15:34

say, but even in the way that

15:36

I say it, I know I can

15:38

come with attack. And then I walk

15:40

away feeling so shit, because I know

15:42

how I've made him feel. if you

15:44

could got to kind of figure out

15:46

how you can regulate yourself right because

15:48

I've learned that I really need to

15:50

be alone and like I know that

15:52

some other people they need to be

15:55

held or like huddled or listen to

15:57

certain music or whatever it is but

15:59

for me it's like I need to

16:01

be alone or I need to be

16:03

alone on a walk like I just

16:05

yeah I don't want to talk to

16:07

anyone at that point and I need

16:09

to just kind of breathe and there

16:11

was another situation that we had where

16:13

I did kind of flip my lid

16:16

again almost through tacosos in the bottom

16:18

of Josh's car because We just had

16:20

some weird misunderstanding and again I reflect

16:22

on it and I know as you

16:24

said don't diminish it and don't call

16:26

it silly but I did feel in

16:28

that moment when I was reflecting on

16:30

it very silly for my overreaction for

16:32

what I perceived as an overreaction anyway.

16:34

And I'm sure you didn't do it

16:36

in this moment. He can barely remember

16:39

it. I brought it out the other

16:41

day and he was like, I don't

16:43

even remember that, which worries me, because

16:45

I'm like, does it happen that often?

16:47

But basically, we had some disagreement. I

16:49

was working on something in the car.

16:51

His pet peeve is me being on

16:53

my phone in the car. and I

16:55

was working through something but I wasn't

16:57

communicating to him like I needed to

17:00

get this done or whatever I was

17:02

just doing it and then half ignoring

17:04

what he was trying to talk about

17:06

and that was frustrating him and then

17:08

I was hungry so we're trying to

17:10

find lunch and then he went and

17:12

got us both lunch and it was

17:14

three tacos and I looked at him

17:16

like that's for the both of us

17:18

for lunch like three tacos like three

17:21

tacos and almost laughed and then he

17:23

got frustrated and that's honestly all that

17:25

happened but that was enough for me

17:27

for me to get really overwhelmed. and

17:29

almost through the tuckers on the bottom

17:31

of the floor of the car and

17:33

I left the car and I headed

17:35

straight upstairs to the corner and at

17:37

first you did come after me and

17:39

like wanting to talk through this as

17:42

you do because you're such a good

17:44

communicator and you never want to kind

17:46

of just brush anything under the rug

17:48

which I love but in that moment

17:50

I was like not ready no no

17:52

no no and then I think you

17:54

left and went back downstairs and about

17:56

10 minutes later came back up and

17:58

we worked through it. But I think

18:00

that for me like he... is also

18:02

learning that that's something that I need

18:05

to regulate. before we have that conversation,

18:07

which if we haven't communicated that or

18:09

I haven't worked that out for myself,

18:11

that's really hard to know what they

18:13

need in that moment. Yeah, absolutely. And

18:15

I wonder for both of you, when

18:17

you, like, repaired and obviously the 10

18:19

minutes after, did you both discuss what

18:21

you needed in that moment? Like, did

18:23

you say this is what I needed

18:26

in the past? I think in that

18:28

situation, yeah. Yeah, I

18:30

think a lot of the time and I

18:32

think this is because I'm a stay-at-home parent

18:34

and I'm on a lot of the time

18:36

and when I get time with Steph I

18:38

just want undivided attention which 85% of the

18:41

time I don't get so I think I

18:43

just show my frustrations which then she internalizes

18:45

and then feels guilt and then I get

18:47

the arc back because what she's obviously processing

18:49

of I need to do this shit I

18:51

got that much from my plate I want

18:53

to give you attention but I can't hold

18:56

focus to you right now. So I'm doing

18:58

a half-assed job and then I get frustrated.

19:00

She's frustrated at herself and it gets no

19:02

way. And then yeah and then sometimes it

19:04

gets to the point I go you know

19:06

yeah this sucks and I walk off yeah

19:09

and then it makes it worse. So the

19:11

taco story happens a lot yeah around different

19:13

scenarios. But I think you're right. I think

19:15

what it's what it's teaching us is if

19:17

I know that there's something that I need

19:19

to kind of urgently tend to Instead of

19:22

trying to like half do it while half

19:24

give him attention It's better that I say

19:26

I really need 10 minutes. I'm so sorry.

19:28

I know that you hate this the room

19:30

on the phone in the car or I

19:32

know we said we're going to watch the

19:34

show tonight, but I really need another half

19:37

an hour of work like I don't do

19:39

that enough. I don't set that kind of

19:41

expectation. This is why that check-in now is

19:43

great. Like you said, I'm getting home, I've

19:45

got a couple things to do, I need

19:47

half an hour upstairs to just punch out

19:50

some stuff, and then we can watch a

19:52

show to you. And then I'm clear, I'm

19:54

like, switch, you need... Yeah, whereas if I

19:56

had got home, I tried to like sit

19:58

on the dining table with my laptop half

20:00

open, you would have started talking to me

20:03

and then I would have been like half

20:05

listening, half doing my work and then getting

20:07

frustrated. And you would have been getting frustrated

20:09

because I wasn't giving you the attention or

20:11

the answers that, yeah. So I think we're

20:13

getting, we're getting there. But it also sounds

20:15

like you're aware of what's taking place, but

20:18

it's actually just vocalizing the need in the

20:20

moment. Like if you're getting into the car

20:22

and you're going to burn your phone and

20:24

you know that this is a time where

20:26

Josh is like, this is our time to

20:28

talk and connect. Like we've got to preface

20:31

that. We've got to set that expectation. I've

20:33

got to jump on this email for the

20:35

first 10 minutes. So we know because what

20:37

we want is to give our partners permission

20:39

to understand us, but. You might realize you

20:41

need them peppered throughout the day. Like it

20:44

doesn't just need to be an end-of-day exercise,

20:46

it might be like before we get into

20:48

the car. I need to set you up

20:50

to let you know I'm going to be

20:52

on the phone or you know, but also

20:54

for Josh to be able to go, hey

20:56

I... When you're home from work, I need

20:59

some attention. It's okay to ask for attention

21:01

from your partner. I think people see that

21:03

as a really like, oh, I don't want

21:05

to be needy. We're humans, we have needs,

21:07

connection is one of them, and I think

21:09

it's important to be able to stipulate that.

21:12

But it's also important if you aren't emotionally

21:14

available to be able to go, hey, I

21:16

can't do that 100% right now because I've

21:18

got to answer an email, or I've got

21:20

to answer an email, but once I've done

21:22

that, bam, bam, bam, bam, I've done that,

21:25

I've done that, bam, I'm there, I'm there,

21:27

I'm there, I can do it, I can

21:29

do it, I can do it, I can

21:31

do it, I can do it, I can

21:33

do it, I can do it, I can

21:35

do it, I can do it, I can

21:37

do it, I can do it, I can

21:40

do it, I can do I think from

21:42

there, I'd love to touch on, I mean

21:44

I call it brutal honesty, but I don't

21:46

want to call it that. Basically, because it's

21:48

also for me, I want to flip this

21:50

trade or symptom or whatever you want to

21:53

call it for me in a positive way

21:55

in that a lot of friends have always

21:57

come to me for this kind of like

21:59

honest opinion and advice. And I do like

22:01

that about myself. So I don't think the

22:03

word brutal is quite right. But I am

22:06

quite honest and sometimes what... Always frustrates me

22:08

afterwards because I see how it affects him

22:10

is he might Bring up something that I

22:12

know from the get guy I just don't

22:14

have any interest and I really research someone

22:16

else that you would want to talk about

22:18

this stuff with. And sometimes it gets to

22:21

a point where he can tell I'm not

22:23

interested or I'm zoning out. And then I'm

22:25

just honest with him and I'm like, I'm

22:27

sorry, I just don't have any. And I,

22:29

and I, and I, and I, it's like,

22:31

I, I, as soon as to come out

22:34

of my mouth, I'm like, come back, come

22:36

back, come back into my mouth, I'm sorry,

22:38

I feel like I just hurt your feelings,

22:40

I just hurt your feelings. I just hurt

22:42

your feelings. I just hurt your feelings. I

22:44

just like I just like I just hurt

22:47

your feelings. I just like I just like

22:49

I just like I just hurt your feelings.

22:51

I just like I just like I just

22:53

like I just like I just like I

22:55

just like I just like I just like

22:57

I just like I just like I just

22:59

like I just like I just like I

23:02

just like I just like I just like

23:04

I just like Okay, it's sometime. Maybe I've

23:06

said that sometimes. And I don't love that.

23:08

I really don't love that. And I would

23:10

love to know if this. is something that

23:12

can be helped or avoided. Is it in

23:15

the way that a conversation is approached? Is

23:17

it, what can I do? Should not be

23:19

that way? Because I don't, I don't enjoy,

23:21

I don't enjoy that. And again, this might

23:23

not even have anything to say, this might

23:25

just be me. It's just a personality trait.

23:27

Well, I think it's about working out when

23:30

those situations happen, what conversation is taking place?

23:32

Like, what are we actually talking about? Is

23:34

it? I'm interested to know. Tell me what

23:36

you're talking about. What's something that you find

23:38

you talk to step about and maybe she

23:40

zones out and she doesn't give you... Oh

23:43

wow. There's a lot. No no, to be

23:45

fair, right? So we both kind of managed

23:47

very different things in our family dynamic. I'm

23:49

also very hands-on outside... I'm a... post builder

23:51

so I've got interest in like creative construction

23:53

home repairs yeah whatever steps got zero of

23:56

all those things so my day is filled

23:58

with the ray of all that yeah and

24:00

obviously at the end of the day I

24:02

talk to my partner about my day or

24:04

things I've got going on or coming up

24:06

or planning which my passion and interest that

24:08

I get with Like I don't care what

24:11

you're saying right now. No, that's quite harsh.

24:13

I think it depends on the media. But

24:15

there's a, there's a, yeah, but there's a

24:17

lot of, more often than not, half-ask conversations

24:19

with Return Fire. Like you're just holding in

24:21

conversation to be nice. Yeah. Because you're mindful

24:24

that I don't care about this conversation, but

24:26

he really likes it. Yeah, that's true. And

24:28

I think it really depends on where... my

24:30

head is at too, and also if you're

24:32

just kind of telling me something versus asking,

24:34

because there's sometimes in those topics where I

24:37

feel like you ask me my opinion and

24:39

then I will share it and then you'll

24:41

tell me why. Either my

24:43

opinion is wrong or that it should

24:45

be the other way and then I'm

24:47

kind of like you know what I

24:49

don't really care enough like I trust

24:51

you like you just make the call

24:54

then because like I don't and that's

24:56

where I feel like I shut down

24:58

a little bit and I also feel

25:00

like though because I've been this way

25:02

and this might be why you do

25:04

this as well but then I also

25:06

feel like sometimes in the conversations that

25:08

I want to have with you like

25:10

I can't have a conversation with you

25:12

where you're not looking at your phone

25:14

and And for me, that's you telling

25:17

me, like, I'm not 100% into this

25:19

or interested in this, but that might

25:21

have come from the back of me

25:23

being pretty honest with some of the

25:25

stuff that you've wanted to talk to

25:27

me about, I don't know. So what

25:29

we have here is this like stalemate

25:31

situation where you do it too. Right?

25:33

And it's about going, there are things

25:35

that each partner will take care of

25:38

in the relationship that are important, it

25:40

sounds like for you, you've got the

25:42

physical side of the house, like there

25:44

may be the home improvements and the

25:46

tangibles like that, and that you're wanting

25:48

to share. And it's about being able

25:50

to disclose that from a, there are

25:52

some things that are really exciting to

25:54

me that I want to share with

25:56

you, where they're at. relationships is it

25:59

does take a lot of self-accountability to

26:01

be able to communicate properly and we

26:03

all get lazy. We'll just like start

26:05

blurting and things like that. I'm not

26:07

expecting everybody to get this right all

26:09

the time because I don't. But I

26:11

am expecting that people can be more

26:13

forthcoming with the outcome that they're wanting

26:15

from their partner before getting ahead of

26:17

themselves. So that will be such as

26:19

I'm really excited about talking about a

26:22

project I want to work on the

26:24

house. Do you have space to have

26:26

this conversation? So A, you already know.

26:28

He's excited. Yeah. Right? Can you hold

26:30

space for that? We do do that.

26:32

Yeah. Okay. Sometimes. Sometimes. Yeah. Because I'll

26:34

be like, hey, I need, I need

26:36

to talk about, for example, the build

26:38

right now or whatever it is. Can

26:40

I have you for 10 minutes? Like,

26:43

do I have 10 minutes to speak

26:45

to you? Yeah. But I don't think

26:47

that changes your interest in the topic

26:49

though. No, but I do, but I

26:51

do, I do, like if I say

26:53

yes, okay, for like the next 10,

26:55

that's for sure, then I am, I'm

26:57

there, I'm not trying to do something

26:59

else at the same time. I think

27:01

with me too, like I'm quite, let's

27:04

just, I'm just pitching like a car

27:06

trip, I'm quite sporadic with my thoughts

27:08

and how I communicate, I think. What

27:10

we can do more what you have

27:12

been doing more which I think has

27:14

made a difference is even in some

27:16

of those car trips It's like because

27:18

maybe it's a long one all right,

27:20

let's like don't touch your phone. Let's

27:22

chat or whatever and we'll have we'll

27:24

set the expectation It's different because I

27:27

think it is the when I'm I'm

27:29

finally I don't know logged off for

27:31

the day or I'm slowing down and

27:33

I'm in the car and you're driving

27:35

like I'll whip my phone now like

27:37

it's like it's like a habit right

27:39

while I'm doing that and then maybe

27:41

I'm engorged in something which obviously is

27:43

not part of my life but it's

27:45

something on the feed that's really interesting

27:48

me and then you're kind of going

27:50

from conversation to conversation yeah it's hard

27:52

for me to like snap out of

27:54

what I'm looking at and give you

27:56

the attention so I think it is

27:58

I think it's that pre Pre-check-in

28:01

and and kind of expectation of what

28:03

you're looking for in the conversation or

28:05

the drive or whatever we're at I

28:07

think when we have done that it

28:09

has made a difference But also touching

28:11

on the unconscious thoughts that we have

28:14

or assume that our partner is going

28:16

to do you touched on that in

28:18

the past you'd offered suggestions and you'd

28:20

felt they got shut down which then

28:22

causes you to go I don't want

28:24

to offer opinions and that stuff happens

28:27

in our relationships so in order to

28:29

have conversations that connect we need to

28:31

air all of those like hey you

28:33

know I get defensive when you ask

28:35

me about the house project because I

28:37

feel like I don't know enough and

28:39

you know it all so it's about

28:42

being able to go what habits have

28:44

I created in my relationship when it

28:46

comes to topics, when it comes to

28:48

conversations? Like where do I, where have

28:50

I potentially made my partner feel inadequate?

28:52

Because that's the reality of relationships. There

28:55

will be somebody who has said something

28:57

to their partner that has now made

28:59

their other partner go, well I'm a

29:01

bit dumb there, or like I'm not

29:03

smart enough when it comes to that.

29:05

So you really also then... both of

29:07

you need to sit down and go,

29:10

okay, what belief do I have when

29:12

it comes to Josh talking about the

29:14

house? Yeah. But also, what beliefs do

29:16

you have when Steve talks to you

29:18

about something and airing those out so

29:20

you can go, all of those are,

29:23

you know, incorrect and three of them

29:25

are true, so we can just work

29:27

through them so we can start talking

29:29

again from a better place of this

29:31

is the goal. I might not really

29:33

want to bring it up or talk

29:35

about it any further because I've been

29:38

working through it all day, but you

29:40

know, Josh would like an update and

29:42

I'd obviously love to give him that.

29:44

And then he'll start to come up

29:46

with ideas or opinions and stuff and

29:48

I know for sure I've show you

29:50

down in those moments because I've basically

29:53

just not wanted the conversation to go

29:55

any further. And then sometimes I reflect

29:57

on those times and I'm like, That

29:59

was a really good idea and a

30:01

great point and something that we actually

30:03

had had worked through so I could

30:06

have probably given him a little bit

30:08

more of a yeah you're on the

30:10

right track some sort of positive feedback

30:12

instead of being like you're not we'd

30:14

thought about that. You don't sound like

30:16

that. So I think I think it

30:18

does go both ways but then I

30:21

have kind of like he's probably set

30:23

this belief. the same way I have

30:25

with anything in construction or finances or

30:27

whatever is that when I'm talking about

30:29

work I'm sure he's probably holding back

30:31

from saying stuff now and then those

30:34

conversations are quite shallow. So yeah I

30:36

think that's I think that's right I

30:38

think we could probably I mean just

30:40

like just a couple days ago we're

30:42

talking about this build thing I said

30:44

to you I'm like I'm learning that

30:46

you don't have much interest in it

30:49

like I can take this on and

30:51

yeah like do you want to What

30:53

elements do you want to have a

30:55

conversation about essentially? So I'm not talking

30:57

to a wall. I literally said this,

30:59

you can't believe it. And we worked

31:02

through that. You're like, yeah, these are

31:04

my areas that I want to be

31:06

on top of and whatever. And I

31:08

said, cool. But also then I said,

31:10

equally, like this is really exciting phase

31:12

of our lives. And we're going through

31:14

this thing. I naturally want to share

31:17

that with you and make collaborative decisions.

31:19

what's in my head and then you're

31:21

at the end of it like what

31:23

the fuck why didn't you yeah talking

31:25

about this and that the other so

31:27

that's that fine line of but yeah

31:29

me just going I need I can

31:32

like go all right I've got four

31:34

topics that I want to talk to

31:36

you about I need 10 minutes yeah

31:38

just put your shit away and let's

31:40

have a proper conversation I can get

31:42

what I need for me and then

31:45

we can move on and I think

31:47

I think doing more of that I

31:49

think center totally solve a lot of

31:51

a lot of problems I feel like

31:53

a lot of problems I feel like

31:55

a lot of problems I much of

31:57

a say in the topic or anything.

32:00

It's not always that. I honestly think

32:02

it depends on how much is going

32:04

on in my head at that moment.

32:06

Which is another thing we spoke about.

32:08

It's like you just got a lot

32:10

of moving parts and trying to just

32:13

focus on one thing. Yeah. No matter

32:15

what it is. that we're talking about

32:17

today. There's just a lot. And I

32:19

feel like everyone can relate to that

32:21

when you've got a lot of balls

32:23

up in the air. It's like even

32:25

the most exciting things can be happening,

32:28

which I'm so excited about stuff that

32:30

we're working on and everything. But even

32:32

with all of that, if there's all

32:34

these other things, and in my head,

32:36

it's like, I don't have space to...

32:38

be excited and to put the time

32:41

that I want to be able to.

32:43

And it's important you share statements like

32:45

that. The problem is most people don't

32:47

share the statement. They just share a

32:49

physical like, you know, detachment or their

32:51

body language is demonstrating what's in their

32:53

head, such as, well, they're not even

32:56

listening. They don't care. And then the

32:58

other person gets to create a story.

33:00

Where if you're able to stipulate, right

33:02

now I'm a mental capacity. I don't

33:04

actually have... the ability to be excited

33:06

about that because I'm so stressed about

33:08

ABC. Then your partner gets to hear,

33:11

okay, when ABC shift, we can be

33:13

excited about the next. So really it's

33:15

about again setting that expectation, communicating and

33:17

being able to let people in on

33:19

your inner world because we don't want

33:21

anybody assuming those things. Speaking of the

33:24

physical kind of reaction to things, that

33:26

was another thing I wanted to bring

33:28

up. Josh is, we did our love

33:30

languages like years ago, and Josh's physical

33:32

attraction was I think, physical touch, sorry,

33:34

was the top one, I think, which

33:36

came at no surprise whatsoever for me,

33:39

and it was still within mine, but

33:41

it just wasn't the top one. And

33:43

I think... What's hurt us more recently,

33:45

and I suppose, again, hence why I

33:47

even went for the ADHD diagnosis in

33:49

the first place, was I feel like

33:52

a lot of my symptoms have been

33:54

heightened over the last couple of years

33:56

when life's been really busy. But something

33:58

that I've noticed is I could be

34:00

in... the middle of a task, and

34:02

for me it's a task for someone

34:04

else, it's just like day to day,

34:07

stuff that they don't think about, like

34:09

emptying the dishwasher or something like that.

34:11

It might be something that I've put

34:13

off, it might be something that I

34:15

feel fresher out that I have to

34:17

do, but I'm doing it and he'll

34:20

come and want an innocent hug in

34:22

the kitchen, because I'm like in this...

34:24

thing that I just want to get

34:26

done because I know how easily distracted

34:28

I am and I'll probably hug him

34:30

and then I'll see every shoulder that

34:32

I don't know there's something else happening

34:35

and then I'll go do that and

34:37

say like I just I've really understood

34:39

now that when I'm in something that

34:41

I've been putting off I need to

34:43

just commit and I wonder if there's

34:45

ways because I then instantly hate myself

34:47

for it because I see him walk

34:50

away and like sometimes he's hurt by

34:52

it and I hate that because... It's

34:54

not at all that I don't want

34:56

physical attention or from him. I love

34:58

that and I love that after, you

35:00

know, being together for so long that

35:03

there is still that. I'm so grateful

35:05

for that. But yeah, it's like this

35:07

thing I can't help in the moment.

35:09

It's always a regret five seconds later,

35:11

but I wonder is there ways that

35:13

we can both approach that differently. If

35:15

you have any tips around that, because

35:18

I do, I really don't like it,

35:20

but it is this repeat thing that's

35:22

happening. And in my head, it's like

35:24

this, I used to think it's just

35:26

this habit that I've built. Yeah, okay.

35:28

So it sounds like what you're talking

35:31

about is you're in a state of

35:33

focus and it gets disrupted. Yeah. And

35:35

then if it gets disrupted, you're then

35:37

able to focus on other things that

35:39

will need to take place or other

35:41

tasks that you need to do. What

35:43

I would say is you need to

35:46

start working out what type of tasks

35:48

are going on when that's happening, like

35:50

is it when you're cleaning? If so,

35:52

like, put your headphones on. Like, do

35:54

something to indicate you're not available. because

35:56

obviously our partner walking past, if you're

35:59

just doing something that they would do

36:01

whilst simultaneously doing something else, they're just

36:03

going to treat you how they think

36:05

they could handle that moment. So it's

36:07

about being able to show are we

36:09

available and are we not available? And

36:11

are we not available? And especially with

36:14

also, you know, people have sensory issues

36:16

who need to be able to put

36:18

headphones on with the doing tasks and

36:20

things like that it's all about giving

36:22

people permission to be who they need

36:24

in those moments. but it's also okay

36:26

for Josh to be like, hey I

36:29

want to hug right now and you're

36:31

available. It is okay for you to

36:33

say no, like you don't need to

36:35

be available to those things all the

36:37

time. But it is important to be

36:39

able to be available to those things

36:42

when you do have space. Like we

36:44

don't want any situation where anybody feels

36:46

like they have to do something because

36:48

that just builds resentment. But it's about

36:50

being able to go, okay, when am

36:52

I... you know, for Josh, you'd be

36:54

able to go, when am I going

36:57

up to step? Is it when she

36:59

said I'm doing the dishwasher? And now,

37:01

because I'm happy that the dishwasher's being

37:03

done, I'm like, I'm going up to

37:05

step. And I'm like, this is amazing,

37:07

thank you. And now I've disrupted the,

37:10

you know, like the thing that's taking

37:12

place. So it's about the thing that's

37:14

taking place. So it's like, you know,

37:16

I'm going up. immediately after. So we

37:18

want to avoid that too because then

37:20

we've got two people who were feeling

37:22

negative about the same situation and we're

37:25

not really reconnecting on it at all.

37:27

So it's about being able to go

37:29

okay how do we manage this moving

37:31

forward when we have somebody whose preference

37:33

is to want to come and give

37:35

a cuddle and someone's preferences to focus

37:38

on a task. You know like when

37:40

do you both like hugging? It's about

37:42

sitting down and going when do we

37:44

both enjoy this? He's like

37:46

all the time. How do

37:49

you feel though in the

37:51

hearing that? Because like this

37:53

is this has come up and

37:56

this is something especially before getting

37:58

diagnosed or anything like that and

38:00

things like this becoming a little

38:02

bit more obvious to me as

38:05

to why I haven't been able

38:07

to change some things. It's come

38:09

up a lot in our relationship

38:11

before that you've felt like that

38:14

I just don't. Yeah, it's been

38:16

bad patches where I'm like, kills

38:18

me. I'm like, it's got to

38:20

a point like, do you even

38:23

love me anymore? Like I can't,

38:25

I show you affection and I

38:27

get it, I don't get it

38:29

back. And I don't get it

38:31

back. Like you said before, naturally

38:34

I then go away, I'm like,

38:36

what am I doing wrong for?

38:38

Why? I'm showing love, but I'm

38:40

not getting it. Then naturally you

38:43

think, why? I think what's really

38:45

important to remember is how most

38:47

of the time we give love

38:49

is based on how we want

38:52

to receive love. And that's the

38:54

real issue when it comes to

38:56

relationships. We have that assumption. That

38:58

they don't love me because they're

39:01

not showing it the way that

39:03

I will show it. But the

39:05

same way. But like you are

39:07

very affectionate. You are a cargo,

39:10

you're a cuddler. You're not not

39:12

that. So there's just times. But

39:14

is it steps preference to show

39:16

it that way? What's her automatic?

39:18

Yeah. I would say it is.

39:21

I think it's just, it's not,

39:23

it's not at any time. Yeah.

39:25

Like I can, I'm very much.

39:27

But it is the same way.

39:30

That's why I'm sitting here kind

39:32

of going on my shot on

39:34

the couch. You will. do all

39:36

the same things. So when she's

39:39

not doing that, how do you

39:41

know she loves you? What reaffirms

39:43

that, if you're not getting the

39:45

hug and the cuddle, what reaffirms

39:48

the love? I don't know, a

39:50

conversation, acts of service, like when

39:52

you do nice things, I suppose.

39:54

Yeah, I've never not felt she

39:57

loves me. Yeah, I've never not,

39:59

I've never felt that ever to

40:01

be. clear, but it's in the

40:03

moments where there's an action that

40:06

makes you think otherwise is where

40:08

it occurs. I don't just walk

40:10

around the house thinking, oh she

40:12

doesn't love me today, ever. It's

40:14

when you feel there's a moment

40:17

of rejection. It's exactly that, exactly

40:19

that, yeah. Right, and in those

40:21

moments, what's being rejected is your

40:23

preference of love, which is you've

40:26

gone for the hug, because that's

40:28

how you receive love. It's

40:30

huge. Yeah. That's the thing. That's going

40:32

to be something for me that really

40:35

change my thoughts around because it's such

40:37

a, it's a half a second, it's

40:39

not like I'm standing there for 10

40:41

minutes. For you, it's an aid, but

40:43

it just comes like so naturally for

40:45

you. Like for me, I show love

40:47

by doing. So like cooking, cleaning, all

40:50

that sort of stuff. Like for me,

40:52

it's just bam. It's like the first

40:54

thing I go to do, whereas my

40:56

wife is very affectionate. For her, it's

40:58

like a cuddle. So I have to

41:00

remember that just because I've cleaned stuff

41:02

in the house, doesn't mean that she

41:05

feels love in that moment. I've just

41:07

done what I love. And then I

41:09

need to go the extra mile. And

41:11

sometimes you hit the mark and sometimes

41:13

you miss the mark. But it's about

41:15

being. and how do we receive it,

41:17

but how do we make sure that

41:20

we're not always expecting our partner to

41:22

perform in ways that only we want?

41:24

Because obviously for you, physical touch is

41:26

important, so that's like hand-holding and all

41:28

of that stuff. And it sounds like

41:30

for you, that is somewhat your preference,

41:32

but that may be impacted by what's

41:35

emotionally going on with you, and that's

41:37

totally fine. So it's about stipulating that

41:39

and being able to go, hey, I'm

41:41

going through some stuff right now, so

41:43

you have the the expectation that just

41:45

might lessen, but... Also, we want to

41:47

make sure that you don't feel rejected

41:50

because that's an awful thing to walk

41:52

away. Back to step one of this

41:54

chat, first and foremost for all of

41:56

this. Yeah, it's so true. Like, even

41:58

if it was in the morning, like,

42:00

say, yeah, it's when you're home for

42:02

work, but Saturday morning, when you wake

42:05

up, or whatever, it's just more often

42:07

than not, being very clear on what's

42:09

going on, then I will, like, if

42:11

I know that your stress levels are

42:13

at an eight and you've got a,

42:15

you know, whatever's on your mind, you've

42:17

got to do this, this, this, and

42:19

this, I probably wouldn't go hug you

42:22

in the hugging in the kitchen in

42:24

the kitchen, of an evening and you're

42:26

washing the dishes or whatever make a

42:28

new popcorn and I hug you yeah

42:30

I'm thinking there's nothing happening right now

42:32

yeah green light yeah although I'm wrong

42:34

no but that's what because there's been

42:37

no I do I do I internalize

42:39

a lot of what's going on in

42:41

my head and I'm like back to

42:43

the first thing like assumption I have

42:45

to assume all the time and like

42:47

read you with my eyes as opposed

42:49

to my ears what's going on which

42:52

is obviously I get wrong probably more

42:54

often than not Yeah, but then that's

42:56

why I'm saying if you are genuinely

42:58

unavailable you need to be able to

43:00

do something that indicates it. Yeah. I

43:02

was like, you know, put those airpods

43:04

in, like put something on, like show

43:07

something that indicates to him that I'm

43:09

actually not available right now. It's really

43:11

not available right now. It's really interesting

43:13

because at work I do that. I

43:15

don't even listen to anything. If I

43:17

don't want to work as listening, I'll

43:19

go to a booth. But. If I

43:22

want to focus on something and then

43:24

just kind of hope that people aren't

43:26

just going to roll on over because

43:28

I'm such a collaborative person in my

43:30

role and work with almost everyone in

43:32

the team. So like a lot of

43:34

the time I am called upon and

43:37

pulled different directions and that's fine. And

43:39

that's fine. I am called upon and

43:41

pulled different directions and that's fine. That's

43:43

fine. That's part of my role. But

43:45

I've been putting the airports almost like

43:47

I'm in the zone of something. And

43:49

I have found it actually. helps, like

43:52

I feel like people do pause before

43:54

they come to you or it's really

43:56

only if something's like urgent that they'll

43:58

tap you on the shoulder. So

44:01

many of you do that. But yeah,

44:03

I think I think I think you're

44:05

right. I think you've always been a

44:07

better communicator than I have. For me,

44:09

it's I've got all this stuff going

44:11

on and I do assume that you

44:13

know. Well, you've been together for so

44:15

long. It would make sense that you

44:18

make assumptions. Yeah, I can sense you're

44:20

stressed, but I don't know why or

44:22

what I need. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And

44:24

I think the other, the other, I

44:26

think the biggest one for us that

44:28

we are still working through and I

44:30

still need to find the strategies that

44:32

work for me because it is something

44:35

that's come up the most in our

44:37

relationship. It's something that we're very very

44:39

different about and I know that you

44:41

and your wife are too so I

44:43

would love you to weigh in on

44:45

how if you found anything that helps.

44:47

But basically untidiness. Yes. For me when

44:49

I was living on my own in

44:52

my apartment in New York it was...

44:54

discussing. Like I can look back at

44:56

that. No, I can look back and

44:58

I can I can definitely admit it

45:00

was atrocious, right? If someone came over,

45:02

which they never did, I never invited

45:04

anyone over, but if they did, I

45:06

would go through a manic clean and

45:08

put tidy things away. My version of

45:11

tidy, which is shoving things in cupboards.

45:13

Yeah. But then moving out, coming home

45:15

from New York and moving out with

45:17

Josh, we very quickly learned. had differently

45:19

were in that space. And I think,

45:21

Josh, you also grew up in a

45:23

house where, you know, your bedroom door

45:25

had to be open, meaning your room

45:28

had to be clean. Yeah, make the

45:30

bed before school, all that stuff. Like,

45:32

a lot more kind of regimented and,

45:34

you know, that's how you show appreciation

45:36

for your stuff is like keeping it

45:38

tidy and everything like that's not that

45:40

I lived in a dump at all

45:42

like my parents are both yeah absolutely

45:45

and my mom's like biggest nag for

45:47

me was always clean my room so

45:49

it's it's not that she is my

45:51

call the cleaning fairies it's just magic

45:53

like this um my dad on the

45:55

other hand is much like me piles

45:57

of things everywhere a bit of a

45:59

hoarder so she had a laugh last

46:02

night he got home from work he's

46:04

staying home from work he's staying in

46:06

the bags everywhere and boxes and toys.

46:08

I'm just like, mate. How did you

46:10

feel? I'm like, I just cleaned the

46:12

bench and now I can't even see

46:14

it. Yeah, so this is something we're

46:16

still, so we're still working through and

46:18

I think I've found some things that

46:21

do help me in the moments but

46:23

what I have noticed is I think

46:25

your ideal, Josh's ideal for me, would

46:27

be that I work the way that

46:29

he does when it comes to being

46:31

untidy and that like when I get

46:33

home instead of just taking my shoes

46:35

off even if there's not a space

46:38

available. like you'll make it work somewhere

46:40

else or you'll move things around to

46:42

make sure it's tidy right me it's

46:44

like oh the shoe cup it's full

46:46

I just leave him here on the

46:48

floor and we'll pass them and and

46:50

and when it builds up like it

46:52

fits a few things around like you

46:55

know you're okay with it but it's

46:57

like when it really builds up but

46:59

for me as well like if our

47:01

room gets to a point all my

47:03

bathroom top gets really really to a

47:05

point. It does overwhelm me. I'm not

47:07

like a happy person in a state

47:09

like that. You do feel a lot

47:12

better in a clean environment. I do

47:14

for sure. It's getting to it. It's

47:16

getting to it. And so for me

47:18

the bigger windows of cleanup or the

47:20

more urgent windows of cleanup is when

47:22

I do a better or more thorough

47:24

job. And I feel like I can't

47:26

have the... daily habit of doing things

47:29

in the moment. The one percent is,

47:31

you can't. Yeah, the one, the one

47:33

percent is, right? Like it's almost like

47:35

I need to put it as a,

47:37

as a task that's big enough for

47:39

me to. Yeah, it's like a half

47:41

an hour job or you know, or

47:43

you're not touching it. Yeah, it's, and

47:45

I don't, anyway. Which is kind of,

47:48

kind of productive with how you are.

47:50

You need to be. Yeah. Locked in

47:52

on this task. But that's because it's

47:54

become a big task though. Totally. But

47:56

I think that's, for me, I feel

47:58

like that's been the, anyway. But I

48:00

think also what I've noticed is when

48:02

it gets to a really big state,

48:05

you want to come in and kind

48:07

of help me. And then that's when

48:09

I don't want to borrow it. If

48:11

he's telling me where to put things

48:13

or like, what? to do next, that's

48:15

when I'm like, I don't want to

48:17

clean now because you're doing it. Right,

48:19

and is that more at a state

48:22

where you've been wanting this to be

48:24

cleaned? Yes, he's frustrated. And now that

48:26

you're finally, like you're doing it, you're

48:28

stepping in there. But I'm like, well,

48:30

let's go, yeah, clean the room because

48:32

it's going to take us now because

48:34

it's out of control. If there's a

48:36

clear line between, like, I know where

48:39

this cup goes and there's room for

48:41

it, it'll more than likely happen. But

48:43

unfortunately in our house over the time,

48:45

there's a lot of stuff accumulated that's

48:47

just shoved in cupboards and then the

48:49

little thing of like, oh, I can

48:51

see that jumper. But she's like, I

48:53

know there's no hanger where that goes.

48:56

So I'm not gonna do it. if

48:58

there was half a dozen empty hangars

49:00

that she knew were in that spot

49:02

in her cupboard, she'd probably grab it

49:04

and go hang it up because... So

49:06

I think we've just got too much

49:08

stuff. Yeah, we did it as a

49:10

couple. Where most things, like even me

49:12

being a clean person, I struggle to

49:15

put things, I've got to like find

49:17

ways to put things away, which I

49:19

can do because I'm, I don't struggle

49:21

with doing it. But as soon as

49:23

there's any hurdlele in that process, it

49:25

stops. For example, like if there was

49:27

I'm just like a coat hook and

49:29

you had a coat in the lawn

49:32

You'd probably hang up there because there's

49:34

someone to put it Yeah, because there's

49:36

not it just goes on the floor

49:38

on the table or on the table

49:40

or Yeah, then the bag where's your

49:42

handbag? I don't know it goes on

49:44

the bench and then you take your

49:46

jacket off and it's now got to

49:49

be done and then you'll go to

49:51

the bathroom and then it's 12 jobs

49:53

and then this is how the half

49:55

an hour clean occurs because without even

49:57

realizing you've just made yourself so much

49:59

work if there was places to put

50:01

things I think it would be a

50:03

lot different. And how do you guys

50:06

get when you get to a point

50:08

like if the house is like untidy

50:10

and I don't know maybe you've got

50:12

to a point of frustration because you

50:14

do like things like tidy or you

50:16

as you said you like to clean

50:18

and do things like that. How do

50:20

you do that? I think for us

50:22

it's more about what things need to

50:25

be tidied. Like what things are the

50:27

non-negotibles that need to be done. Like

50:29

for us it's anything that a person

50:31

could walk into that we don't live

50:33

in. So we have an upstairs that

50:35

is only my toddlers and my wife's

50:37

in my space. So nobody goes up

50:39

there. So there you can be a

50:42

little bit more forgiving. It has to

50:44

be swept before I go to bed,

50:46

like I'm cleaning everything, the digital needs

50:48

to be done. And it was working

50:50

out what were the non-negotibles. But also,

50:52

I, funnily enough, am a person in

50:54

my bedroom where I am very lazy

50:56

at putting it in. So it's really,

50:59

my personality is different in different rooms

51:01

of the house. Like my office, meticulous.

51:03

kitchen lounge room meticulous, but I can

51:05

be very lazy in the bedroom. That

51:07

was because when I was growing up

51:09

I had a very regimented family that

51:11

were like door open or we're going

51:13

to take it off the hinges. So

51:16

I feel like I sometimes still rebel

51:18

now as an adult and I mean

51:20

like maybe two jackets on the floor

51:22

like but for me that's like it's

51:24

like a big deal for me. So

51:26

I still have rebellious moments so I

51:28

think it's about checking in with yourself

51:30

and going when I'm walking into the

51:33

house like what am I actually doing

51:35

with the shoes there like do we

51:37

need to step bucket at the door

51:39

so he's going to dump it all

51:41

in the bucket. doesn't be like little

51:43

pebbles that you've left around the house

51:45

to sort of show that you're back

51:47

home. I think it's more about working

51:49

out where the behavior is coming from,

51:52

what it's doing, but also who it's

51:54

impacting. And working that out, it sounds

51:56

like obviously your home all the time.

51:58

So you're probably more focused on what's

52:00

going on. but where a step comes

52:02

back home and when she's putting these

52:04

things down I can imagine that you're

52:06

looking at it going well that can

52:09

impact my day tomorrow. Yeah I mean

52:11

this is something I'd love to work

52:13

through because I naturally this is where

52:15

in out of all of this stuff

52:17

I take the most like offense offense

52:19

from right purely because it's been for

52:21

a long time my number one gripe

52:23

and the example I use to step

52:26

I mean there's a couple like I

52:28

said imagine if I came in to

52:30

kick every day and just like trash

52:32

your desk and just left. It pisser

52:34

off, right? But I used the example

52:36

to step a while back and I'd

52:38

love to learn about this more. Being

52:40

that I've said, this is my biggest

52:43

thing. And I feel like too bad

52:45

so sad, this is how I am.

52:47

That kind of sucks, because if it

52:49

was roll reversed, I would move heaven

52:51

to fix that problem and make it

52:53

my number one priority. So then in

52:55

my head, I'm like, my only way...

52:57

to fix this is just do more

53:00

and shut up. Just don't make it

53:02

a thing and just fix the problem

53:04

is in clean more. But that creates

53:06

resentment and that's not productive. So I

53:08

don't, that's more so than the other

53:10

stuff I can deal with the other

53:12

stuff and navigate and learn it. But

53:14

I feel, I think it's a bigger

53:16

deal because I'm at home. That is

53:19

my space. And when I spend my

53:21

day keeping it. how I want to

53:23

live in and the environment I want

53:25

to be in to feel like I've

53:27

identified many many times I feel so

53:29

much better in a clean space. So

53:31

it's messy I'm like I'm stressed I'm

53:33

yeah I'm looking when she gets home

53:36

from working she'll be in things up

53:38

in the air that's me at home

53:40

with mess because I've now got 50

53:42

jobs around me and I don't want

53:44

to put a movie on for Harvey

53:46

and spend three hours cleaning up the

53:48

chaos from yesterday I'd rather just be

53:50

clean and be able to do what

53:53

I got to do what I got

53:55

to do. So that I think is

53:57

the biggest thing with my mood and

53:59

energy and... potentially than when

54:01

I'm grumpy. It's because that. So I

54:03

don't know how... It also sounds like

54:06

your biggest element of

54:08

disconnection from Steph. For sure. Yeah,

54:10

when you feel that something that is

54:12

such a high priority to you is

54:14

not being respected at that level.

54:17

But then obviously with all these

54:19

learnings and understand that she's

54:21

not doing it to be nasty. Because

54:23

she's lazy. Absolutely. I get all

54:26

that. But it doesn't fix it.

54:28

That's right. Totally. problem-solving

54:30

head is like just do more

54:33

and shut up and then it's

54:35

and then we're not having this

54:37

wedge yeah all these conversations it's

54:39

just my reality yeah is I

54:41

got to just do that to yeah

54:43

and I think to be clear like

54:45

I have this is your internal as

54:48

in like I've never said the

54:50

words get over it this is

54:52

just who I No, nor have I, nor

54:54

have I, said, like, yeah, that's your

54:56

internal. For sure. And I think that's

54:58

why I'm, this journey is so important

55:00

to me is because for the longest

55:02

time, we've had these really hard

55:05

conversations where he's been like,

55:07

honestly, I've told you how much this

55:09

affects me and you're not prioritizing

55:11

it. And then I feel, see

55:13

they're feeling like the worst person

55:15

in the world because this person I

55:18

love so much. not making them feel like

55:20

I love them so much and I hold

55:22

so much shame around not being able to

55:24

change those things that I know would lift

55:27

so much for him and so I think

55:29

that's why I just wanted to talk about

55:31

it because it's again still on the

55:33

journey of figuring out exactly what's

55:35

going to work for us but I

55:37

don't want him to feel like oh

55:39

now I've got this diagnosis it's just

55:41

like this it's a permission for it

55:43

exactly that's the last thing that I

55:45

want and Yeah, I don't want him

55:47

just like picking up more. Of course.

55:50

Of course. And I think that was

55:52

one of the things you both said

55:54

in the original conversation we had together

55:56

was about teamwork and both showing up

55:58

equally in making and contribution contributions. to

56:00

this, and I think what I'm really

56:02

hearing is we haven't yet worked out

56:04

what works for us or what works

56:06

for me. And that's okay. It sounds

56:08

like now you've got a diagnosis, you're

56:11

going through the process of being able

56:13

to understand more about yourself, and in

56:15

that it's about you being able to

56:17

understand more about yourself, and in that

56:19

it's about you being able to explain

56:22

yourself more to Josh and what's going

56:24

to you. doing all my shit everywhere.

56:26

Like what if I just had a

56:28

box that I dumped all my shit

56:30

in? Like I had a designated dump

56:32

my shit box and then it was

56:35

the same in the bathroom because then

56:37

I can put a lid on that

56:39

box and it still looks clean to

56:41

Josh to you but... the actual box

56:43

itself is a fucking shitstorm. But that's

56:46

still your responsibility. It sounds like what's

56:48

happening now is you're coming in and

56:50

moving things around the whole sort of

56:52

environment, which is then causing the physical

56:54

load and the mental load of jobs

56:56

to increase. So it's about being able

56:59

to go, like I don't want you

57:01

to have this shame of, you know,

57:03

like I need to change myself and

57:05

I need to like, that's not the

57:07

angle that I want you to be

57:10

looking at. then it's just going to

57:12

go completely pair-shaped. But it's about being

57:14

able to go, how can I integrate

57:16

myself and who I am and make

57:18

this house thrive with these things about

57:21

myself that I'm working on? And I'm

57:23

trying to understand from a place of

57:25

kindness and compassion. Like, you're not going

57:27

to be the person who walks in

57:29

and is like, bathroom clean 100% of

57:31

the time. But that's OK. Don't fucking

57:34

put that pressure on yourself. But also

57:36

don't. Set an unrealistic expectation of that's

57:38

what I'm working on. Yeah, because that's

57:40

just so not gonna fucking happen But

57:42

if you could instead go I'm going

57:45

to come up with ways that I

57:47

can Keep the bathroom as a whole

57:49

clean whilst still you know You can

57:51

still have your little manic area and

57:53

you just close it and shut it

57:55

away and you know it's not impacting

57:58

how he sees the house or how

58:00

he sees his space because it's still

58:02

your area that we're talking about that's

58:04

like a compromise and it's about working

58:06

out the little bits that you can

58:09

sort of that I can't yeah but

58:11

come up with like they might be

58:13

random ideas for both of you like

58:15

it's don't um Don't keep them in

58:17

the black and white don't keep the

58:19

ideas in the black and white is

58:22

what I'm saying like think outside the

58:24

box for me when I was like

58:26

Going through university I would I had

58:28

a cupboard that I would always throw

58:30

all my shit in I was like

58:33

the shit cupboard and That was where

58:35

I would put all the stuff and

58:37

I knew that once a month had

58:39

to do that fucking man it clean

58:41

but that was how I kept every

58:43

other space clean. And that just worked

58:46

exclusively for me. And somebody might go,

58:48

well, just clean the fucking cupboard every

58:50

day. And I was like, this is

58:52

a nah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and but

58:54

that was like years and years and

58:57

years ago. But now that behavior has

58:59

morphed and changed. And now I don't

59:01

do that now. Now I'm able to

59:03

be more like strategic with how I

59:05

clean and my wife is the same.

59:07

And I think what I'm hearing is

59:10

you haven't ideas for yourself and you've

59:12

just learned this diagnosis so practice a

59:14

bit more kindness and maybe instead reflect

59:16

on how can we make this one

59:18

for us whilst giving ourselves permission to

59:21

learn by default because you're not going

59:23

to get it right immediately yeah so

59:25

how can we refine refine refine and

59:27

as your kids grow older you might

59:29

need a change of behavior because now

59:32

we've got shit everywhere anyway yeah and

59:34

you know so now we need to

59:36

refine something so refinement and just trying

59:38

new things. I think what you said

59:40

about coming home and having just a

59:42

couple minutes in the car before you

59:45

get out of the car to just

59:47

have a minute and just go yeah

59:49

this is what my night's gonna look

59:51

like you've already done you I need

59:53

to do this this this list and

59:56

it's like all right when I walk

59:58

in the door I'm gonna do this

1:00:00

this and this and then I'm gonna

1:00:02

start my night hmm yes because you

1:00:04

come out the door and you come

1:00:06

in the door and it's halving and

1:00:09

it's yeah okay okay there's no like,

1:00:11

I was saying last night, I think

1:00:13

I need to make more time for

1:00:15

things like that. Just to have a

1:00:17

breath and to plan the next half

1:00:20

an hour. Totally. Because you come in

1:00:22

and it's like your head's still doing

1:00:24

this. A few things in my head

1:00:26

and then more things might come up

1:00:28

because like you're putting him down and

1:00:30

I'm like, okay, I better get dinner

1:00:33

started and that wasn't actually in my

1:00:35

head. So the destruction starts. Yeah, okay.

1:00:37

So I think I think we have

1:00:39

kind of we have kind of... Yeah,

1:00:41

and I think you're right, that might

1:00:44

help with some of the dumping that

1:00:46

happens because I'm just getting... I also

1:00:48

want to be clear, like, I take

1:00:50

on the responsibility of, like, I'm the

1:00:52

state home person, I know that I'm

1:00:54

more responsible for tidying or whatever, I

1:00:57

think it just comes from, like, I

1:00:59

feel it's unnecessary work, it's being created

1:01:01

where the resentment comes, like, I get,

1:01:03

I got to do, I got to

1:01:05

do, I got to do, like... in

1:01:08

my day that's just kind of what

1:01:10

I do. That's what you're going is

1:01:12

my workflow during the day. Yeah. But

1:01:14

it's when there's unnecessary additional things that

1:01:16

I feel like is inconsiderate. That's where

1:01:18

the problem lies. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And

1:01:21

like when it's, like I said, across

1:01:23

the whole place, like the garage, like

1:01:25

I might clean and mop the garage

1:01:27

and literally the next day, it's like

1:01:29

crap everywhere. And it's like, like, like,

1:01:32

in all of this and everything that

1:01:34

we've kind of what we've kind of

1:01:36

brought up. getting a diagnosis was so

1:01:38

important because not only has it lifted

1:01:40

a little bit of that shame like

1:01:43

again I'm still working through it so

1:01:45

I definitely still feel shame for some

1:01:47

of these things that we've touched on

1:01:49

but it's lifted a little bit I

1:01:51

suppose I give myself a little bit

1:01:53

more grace I think you also are

1:01:56

a little bit more empathetic into what

1:01:58

might be going on so that's given

1:02:00

a little bit more grace too but

1:02:02

then outside of that as you said

1:02:04

the next step of that is then

1:02:07

okay figuring out what's going to work

1:02:09

because for so long prior to getting

1:02:11

the diagnosis I just tried to do

1:02:13

it how everyone else does it and

1:02:15

and please don't do that why the

1:02:17

hell kind of get this right do

1:02:20

it how it works for you and

1:02:22

I think that's one thing I mean

1:02:24

you can listen to all the in

1:02:26

the world, read all the books and

1:02:28

follow other people's sort of strategies. And

1:02:31

some of them might work for you,

1:02:33

but you might also go, what do

1:02:35

I need for me? What do we

1:02:37

need for us? And I think that's

1:02:39

what more couples and individuals who are

1:02:41

going through the same experience you're going

1:02:44

through, is not subscribing to a societal

1:02:46

norm of this is how a person

1:02:48

with ADHD needs to organize. Get another

1:02:50

planner. You know what I mean? It's

1:02:52

about going actually. If I took away

1:02:55

all of those... Rules that I think

1:02:57

I need to adhere to how do

1:02:59

I best function? Yeah, what's probably like

1:03:01

well to finish I because obviously this

1:03:03

has been heavily personal And I am

1:03:05

completely aware that not everyone listening will

1:03:08

be able to relate to what we've

1:03:10

spoken about But you see so many

1:03:12

couples and I know that you've you've

1:03:14

worked with couples before where you know

1:03:16

ADHD or you know might have come

1:03:19

up What is some of the common

1:03:21

if we haven't already kind of touched

1:03:23

on them other common things that you

1:03:25

see that couples? kind of face. Yeah

1:03:27

look it's definitely always around tidiness communication

1:03:30

as well like maybe there's one who

1:03:32

communicates too much and when I say

1:03:34

too much I mean I don't think

1:03:36

this thing is too much communication I

1:03:38

mean that they words go in too

1:03:40

many directions. So it's not a succinct

1:03:43

conversation. So a person with ADHD might

1:03:45

just be unloading their thoughts onto their

1:03:47

partner and their partner might be someone

1:03:49

who wants to do a solution. And

1:03:51

they're like, oh, you've said 10 problems

1:03:54

to me and I want to fix

1:03:56

that one. And I think what I

1:03:58

see is the common thread and exactly

1:04:00

what I'm seeing here. It's lack of

1:04:02

communication and it's lack of setting expectations.

1:04:04

I think right now there are a

1:04:07

lot of couples where one or two

1:04:09

partners are going through a diagnosis themselves

1:04:11

that I am seeing and the shame

1:04:13

also makes it really hard to sort

1:04:15

of talk about it openly and from

1:04:18

a place of I tried something and

1:04:20

it didn't work like I'm trying this

1:04:22

new strategy and it didn't work and

1:04:24

that can feel like a lot of

1:04:26

failure. And I think what I notice

1:04:28

in the couples that I'm working with

1:04:31

that it's more about, you know, doing

1:04:33

that, treating each other with kind of

1:04:35

compassion and grace and knowing that we're

1:04:37

just trying the best we can and

1:04:39

we're just going to refine and refine

1:04:42

and refine. So everything that you've touched

1:04:44

on, yes, I've seen. That's absolutely what

1:04:46

I would say. Absolutely everything that you've

1:04:48

said. But that's common to all couples.

1:04:50

And I think what's really important to

1:04:52

remember is like it's a relationship. sort

1:04:55

of things that we're navigating together. It's

1:04:57

not that either of you are worse

1:04:59

off than the other or one's got

1:05:01

more problems or one's contributing to more

1:05:03

problems. It's about these are the things

1:05:06

that are going on in our relationship

1:05:08

and we're tackling them together while one

1:05:10

person is uncovering how their brain works

1:05:12

from a place of permission and that's

1:05:14

that's a really sort of daunting task

1:05:16

because at the end of the day

1:05:19

we get told that you're either a

1:05:21

good communicator or you're not right. That's

1:05:23

not the case. you're just finally now

1:05:25

working out how your brain needs to

1:05:27

communicate and I wish for you know

1:05:30

all women who get late diagnosis that

1:05:32

that was an earlier process for them

1:05:34

so they too could have that permission

1:05:36

so it's about you now instead of

1:05:38

feeling like you have to step into

1:05:41

shame it's about going like you I'm

1:05:43

learning it works for me and that's

1:05:45

going to be a lot of trial

1:05:47

and error but it sounds like you've

1:05:49

got a partner who is definitely receptive

1:05:51

to that journey and wants to provide

1:05:54

you with opportunity. just leaning into that.

1:05:56

Yeah and I think that's something that

1:05:58

I'm really grateful for because when you

1:06:00

said just then that you know one

1:06:02

partner isn't worse off than the other

1:06:05

or causing more problems like I certainly

1:06:07

think that I cause more problems like

1:06:09

I still I still believe I cause

1:06:11

more problems in a relationship than than

1:06:13

you do and often I will come

1:06:15

to this like oh I'm always the

1:06:18

one that's like needing to apologize or

1:06:20

because I've done the wrong thing or

1:06:22

whatever so I do I hold a

1:06:24

lot of that but you it's not

1:06:26

Something that you're making me feel that

1:06:29

way, like you're always trying to step

1:06:31

into that teamwork. zone and you have

1:06:33

so much patience particularly when I get

1:06:35

like that and I just yeah I

1:06:37

just appreciate you so much. But that's

1:06:39

also things that are important to say

1:06:42

along this what you know what I

1:06:44

would say is journey. Like there are

1:06:46

going to be times where you internalize,

1:06:48

and it sounds like both of you

1:06:50

internalize different stories based on a situation

1:06:53

that's taking place. It's important that we

1:06:55

share those internalized stories with our partner,

1:06:57

and most of the time we don't.

1:06:59

We just keep it in ahead and

1:07:01

share it with our partner, and most

1:07:03

of the time we don't. We just

1:07:06

keep it in our head and share

1:07:08

it with our head and share it

1:07:10

in ahead and share it with our

1:07:12

partners, or share it with our own

1:07:14

head and share it with our head

1:07:17

and share it with our stories. No,

1:07:19

I love you so much, but I'm

1:07:21

really touched out right now and I'm

1:07:23

overwhelmed. I was just doing the dishwasher.

1:07:25

You know, just making some popcorn. You

1:07:27

know, that disclosure. Disclosure matters. You know,

1:07:30

and I think if more, you know,

1:07:32

couples were talking from a place of

1:07:34

sharing their inner world, there would be

1:07:36

less assumptions, less resentment, and a lot

1:07:38

more connection. Wow. Yeah. Well, thank you.

1:07:41

No, thank you. Thank you both for

1:07:43

being so vulnerable and open. How do

1:07:45

you feel? Good. That's good. Yeah, I'm

1:07:47

glad. But yeah, thank you so much.

1:07:49

I think it's been, it's been great

1:07:52

I think to, again, there's still so

1:07:54

much we were on the journey and

1:07:56

it's really only just starting out, but

1:07:58

understanding it all more. chatting to you

1:08:00

and finding these solutions which do seem

1:08:02

incredibly approachable, like the one that we

1:08:05

started with, has just been so unbelievably

1:08:07

helpful. So I'm excited. I'm excited. I

1:08:09

think what you said to start, anyone

1:08:11

listening, should do that. Whether it's ADHD

1:08:13

related or not. I think it's a

1:08:16

great thing to do. check it. Yeah,

1:08:18

you're welcome. Yeah. That's it for episode

1:08:20

6 as always if you want to

1:08:22

hear more from Megan. You can search

1:08:24

her name in the kick pod feed

1:08:26

on whatever podcast app you're using and

1:08:29

you'll see all the other episodes we've

1:08:31

had her on 4. I'll also link

1:08:33

her website in the show notes if

1:08:35

you want to find out more. Before

1:08:37

I go, I wanted to leave you

1:08:40

with an ADHD special share, a resource

1:08:42

that I found helpful in this journey

1:08:44

that I think you might too. It's

1:08:46

an episode from the podcast ADHD Mums,

1:08:48

which is a great podcast, you know,

1:08:50

all the episodes are amazing, but this

1:08:53

particular episode was with Jen Muir. It's

1:08:55

called The Truth About Timeouts and What

1:08:57

to Try Instead. And I loved it

1:08:59

because they covered navigating meltdowns or big

1:09:01

emotions and chatted through some tangible things

1:09:04

to do instead of the classic timeout

1:09:06

when you. kid is dysregulated. It's so

1:09:08

good. The next episode in the miniseries

1:09:10

is the second last one and also

1:09:12

another big one. ADHD and eating disorders

1:09:14

with nutritionist, live Morrison. Particularly when we're

1:09:17

looking at ADHD and dopamine deficiencies, food

1:09:19

provides dopamine. So when we're looking at

1:09:21

binge eating disorder and even the brain

1:09:23

scans of people with binge eating disorder

1:09:25

ADHD, there is really common similarities here

1:09:28

and they're both in the areas of

1:09:30

the brain that control reward and processing

1:09:32

pathways. So that's executive functioning, it's mood,

1:09:34

it's motivation, it's attention, you know, and

1:09:36

that is really driven by dopamine that

1:09:39

hormone. If

1:09:42

you have any feedback on this episode,

1:09:44

I'd love to hear from you guys,

1:09:46

please slide into our dams with a

1:09:48

voice memo via the Kick Pod Instagram.

1:09:50

I'll be back in your ears very

1:09:52

soon. You